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fortune database

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reddit-jokes · 85 MiB · Text Raw

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftboup/did_you_know_google_now_has_a_platform_for/
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What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum?

The vacuum doesn't snore after sex.
April fools, I don't have a wife.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftbopj/what_is_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_my/
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On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister.

I was happy to meat her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftb7sx/on_my_18th_birthday_my_friend_introduced_me_to/
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Which animal has the softest bite?

“Gummy” bears

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftb6sw/which_animal_has_the_softest_bite/
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Husband: I cheated on you once

Wife: well if we are coming clean I cheated on you too
Husband: haha April First!
Wife: it was May 17

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftawab/husband_i_cheated_on_you_once/
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What do you call a boat full of dentists?

A tooth ferry

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftauqh/what_do_you_call_a_boat_full_of_dentists/
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Just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock...

It's not great, but it gets me out of the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft9yt4/just_got_a_job_as_a_cuckoo_in_a_cuckoo_clock/
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How does Popeye stop his penis going rusty?

He sticks it in Olive Oyl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft9ps3/how_does_popeye_stop_his_penis_going_rusty/
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What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8v27/whats_the_difference_between_meat_and_fish/
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Why do you call your dog ”I-know-what-you-did”?

I love how many people jump 3 feet high when I start calling him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8lvd/why_do_you_call_your_dog_iknowwhatyoudid/
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A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8jyz/a_blonde_ordered_a_pizza_and_the_clerk_asked_if/
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Like a fucking idiot, I left my apartment door unlocked and some prick came in and took a shit

Yeah, so when I get home, I find two turds floating in the toilet. I know for a fact that when I left, there were three.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8jd8/like_a_fucking_idiot_i_left_my_apartment_door/
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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a
divorce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft87y8/a_doctor_tells_a_woman_she_can_no_longer_touch/
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A Japanese, British, and American soldier are marooned on an island inhabited by cannibals

The three soldiers are brought to the tribal Chief, who tells the men they will be killed, skinned, and their skin will be used to make canoes. But, the Chief out of respect for the men will allow them to choose their own way to die.
The Japanese soldier asks for a sword and commits Seppuku. His body is hauled away.
The British soldier asks for a gun, holds the gun to his head and proclaims “long live the queen!” before pulling the trigger. His body is also hauled away.
The American soldier thinks for a second, then asks “so you want to kill us?”
“Yes” said the Chief
“And then you’re gonna use our skin to make canoes?”
Becoming aggravated, the Chief responds “yes, yes, what’s so hard to comprehend about this?”
“Well, in that case, I’ll take a fork please”
Confused, the Chief orders his men to give the American soldier a fork. He takes a deep breath and starts stabbing his skin repeatedly yelling “fuck your canoes!!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7s8e/a_japanese_british_and_american_soldier_are/
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Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.

Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...
A month later 3 women are eating lunch and discussing where in the world are guys the horniest.
First woman thinks: "Has to be Mexico. Have you seen how hot and sweaty guys are over there? They must fuck all the time, that's why."
Second one says: "I was in a restaurant in France, after eating, rather than bringing me a cheque waiter brought me an invitation to his bed."
Third woman interrupts: "That's nothing. Horniest guys live right here in our home country. Just a month ago I was walking down a street few blocks from here. I wasn't wearing any makeup or sexy clothes. And suddenly guy comes down from the sky, his dick out, yelling "Fuck me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7jek/two_men_are_cleaning_windows_on_the_99th_floor_in/
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Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms...

I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7dof/pandemic_countrywide_fires_floods_locust_swarms/
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A duck threw a duck at another duck. So I shouted "DUCK!"....

They all looked at me and said "what?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft729t/a_duck_threw_a_duck_at_another_duck_so_i_shouted/
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An American, an Asian, and Newfie were working on a 40 story building....

An American, a Chinese guy and a Newfie were working a 40 story skyscraper, while in the lunch room, the American opens up his lunch kit and complains,
“Look at this! Ham and cheese! Every day ham and cheese! I swear if I get another ham and cheese I’m jumping off this building tomorrow!”
His Chinese friend said “I hear ya buddy my wife she give me chicken sandwiches every day nothing but chicken, I don’t want you to die along so I will jump with you IF I get another Chicken sandwich”
The Newfie half hearing the conversation says “well I got a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich, if I get one tomorrow, I’ll jump with you guys!” Seemingly excited.
The next day the American took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it, the Chinese guy took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it. The Newfie was on the same elevator ride up with the Chinese guy to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it,
A few days later the wives were all grieving the American’s wife says sobbing “well if I had known he didn’t like Ham and cheese sandwich I won’t have given him ham and cheese sandwiches!” The Chinese’s wife says sobbing “I know right, husband says he loves my cooking but no complaints about chicken sandwiches!” They look to the Newfie’s wife and she says
“Don’t look at me, he made his own lunch!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft722f/an_american_an_asian_and_newfie_were_working_on_a/
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What is the difference between a new wife and a new job?

After 5 years the job still sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6ws9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_new_wife_and_a/
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I am gonna leave r/jokes here is why:

Why

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6wfd/i_am_gonna_leave_rjokes_here_is_why/
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Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date.

Mr. T: Here's your girl.
Ninja Turtles: who is she?
Mr T: Its April, fools.
Also, I'm sorry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6wf1/mr_t_set_the_ninja_turtles_up_on_a_blind_date/
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Honeymoon

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."
The husband replies, How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6lri/honeymoon/
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When one door closes, another one opens

Other than that, it's a pretty good car

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6eeo/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens/
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Elite Hacker Finds a Magic Lamp

He rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie says "You have three wishes."
Elite Hacker says "I wish I have zero more wishes."
Genie says "You have 255 more wishes."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6cwb/elite_hacker_finds_a_magic_lamp/
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People must not cough near you. People can only cough far away. When you hear people cough, you should tell them to

Far Cough

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6c9z/people_must_not_cough_near_you_people_can_only/
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Why did the semen cross the road ?

Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6ad2/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.   They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.   The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."   The brunette says, "Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.   I just want to go home." POOF!   The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.  Then, the red head says, "Ive been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.   I wish I could go home too." POOF!   The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.   The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.   The genie asks, "My dear, whats the matter?"   The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft662b/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
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Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.

Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6554/masturbating_too_much_during_quarantine_can_lead/
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Can February March?

No, but April May.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft64nv/can_february_march/
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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft62dk/a_group_of_kindergarteners_were_trying_to_become/
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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5tge/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
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Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces

And are now fed-up

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5lbe/due_to_a_huge_increase_in_deliveries_fedex_and/
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Nsfw: Do you think sperm would be disappointed...

...to find out they were in a gay dude's balls?  They have one job: to be a baby, but the best they can be is a snack.
Imagine your whole life you wanted to be an astronaut.  You went to space camp, you studied hard. You beat the odds, and came in first of your class...you get the job, they load you into the rocket and instead of shooting you into space, they shoot you into some guy's asshole.
I mean, being in a straight guy's balls can't be any better...like it's the last day of school, the bell rings, and all the kids pours out the doors and right into a sock.  Even best case scenario you're target demographic is a cunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5hdg/nsfw_do_you_think_sperm_would_be_disappointed/
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Two men were riding through Mississippi when they're pulled over for speeding..

The officer approaches the driver's side, opens the door, pulls the driver out, and begins beating him senseless. When he's done he tells the driver, "We don't drive like assholes in Mississippi." Shoves him back in the car, walks around to the passenger side, repeating the process. The passenger pleads, "I wasn't driving, why me? Why ME?!"
The officer says, "So you don't say I wish he would've tried that shit with me five miles down the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5dm6/two_men_were_riding_through_mississippi_when/
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Bill and Fred hang out at the beach . . .

Bill meets a lot of girls, but Fred can’t get anywhere with them. Finally, Fred takes Bill aside and asks him, “What’s your secret?”
“Well,” Bill says in a low voice, “I always put a potato in my trunks. Works every time!”
Fred thinks that it’s a great idea, and the next day, he puts a potato in his trunks.
They return to the beach, but this time the girls are RUNNING away from him.
Bill waves him over. “Fred,” he says, “the potato goes in the front.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5a7k/bill_and_fred_hang_out_at_the_beach/
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News: Los Angeles to reopen gun shops as "essential" businesses.

Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft54o6/news_los_angeles_to_reopen_gun_shops_as_essential/
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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."
The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."
Then the Irishman says "Oi tink Oi'd like for t' see a hundred Oirish dancers all doin' Riverdance before Oi go."
The Englishman says "My request? Will you shoot me first?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4td1/an_englishman_an_irishman_a_scotsman_and_a/
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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches."
The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?"
The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!"
As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?" The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big.
"6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4g9t/once_there_was_a_man_with_a_15_inch_penis/
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A Community Joke Where I Live (Sorry Californians)

A Montanan, a Russian, and a Californian walk into a bar. The Russian orders vodka, pulls out his gun, and shoots it.
Everyone says, "Why did you do that?". The Russian replies, "Back at home, we have a lot of vodka,"
The whole bar laughs at this. Then, the Californian orders wine, takes the Russian's gun, and shoots the bottle.
The bartender asks,"Why did you do that?" The Californian says,"In California, we have a lot of wine."
Again, the whole bar laughs. The Montanan order some beer, drinks it, takes the Russian's gun from the Californian and shoots him.
Everyone screams, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" The Montanan replies, over sirens,"Well, in Montana, we have too many fucking Californians."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4d0s/a_community_joke_where_i_live_sorry_californians/
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An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting.

They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.
The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calculated the optimal firing angle.  He takes his rifle, consults his calculations, lines up and fires...but his shot is too high and goes over the buck.
This being a joke, the buck doesn't run away so it's now the engineer's turn.  He pulls out his tool kit and constructs a device to aim and fire his rifle.  He completes construction, straps his rifle in, and calibrates the machine.  The engineer then presses the fire button and steps back.  The machine whirs, then fires the rifle...but the shot is too low and passes under the deer.
The statistician throws his fists into the air and shouts, "We got him!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3zlr/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_statistician_go/
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Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3w6s/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/
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What do you call a cheap circumsion?

A rip off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3uvm/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumsion/
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A Woman gets 3 wishes...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3n2a/a_woman_gets_3_wishes/
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Before VS After Marriage

Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage:
(Read from bottom to top)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3a8v/before_vs_after_marriage/
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What’s a pregnant woman to a cannibal?

Kinder surprise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft35ix/whats_a_pregnant_woman_to_a_cannibal/
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Cross-eyed Cow

One  day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to  the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He  thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around  cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.
The  vet came out and said he knew exactly what to do. He proceeded to take  out a hose and stick it in the cow's butt. He then told the farmer to go  around and watch the cow's eyes.
As  the farmer was watching the vet took a deep breath and blew into the  hose. To the farmer's amazement the cow's eyes went back to normal. The  vet said that'll be $200. The farmer was a bit taken aback by the steep  charge, but he was thankful that his cow was back to normal, so he paid  the vet without complaint.
The  next day, he went out to milk the cow as usual. To his great dismay he  found that the cow's eyes were crossed again! He didn't feel like paying  the vet again though, so he decided to treat the cow himself.
He  began to do the same procedure to the cow exactly as he saw the vet do  it the day before. However he could not see if it was having the same  effect. So he called Billy-Bob the farm hand over and said, "I want you  to watch the cow's eyes while I blow in this hose." Billy-Bob agreed and  watched as farmer Brown did the deed. However, nothing happened. He  reported to the farmer who tried it again. Still, no result.
Farmer  Brown was stumped, so he told Billy-Bob to blow while he watched the  eyes. As farmer Brown moved to the front, he saw Billy-Bob take out the  hose and turned it around! Just before he put it to his lips, the farmer  yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!"
Billy-Bob  looked at him incredulously and said, "You don't think I am gonna put  my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2tx3/crosseyed_cow/
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I have a Polish friend that is a microphone tester

And a Czech one, too...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2o6s/i_have_a_polish_friend_that_is_a_microphone_tester/
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You know the worst part about taking a corpse out on a date?

They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2mu7/you_know_the_worst_part_about_taking_a_corpse_out/
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Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2klg/scientists_have_recently_discovered_that_97_of/
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My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2iik/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_sex_a_couple_of_days_ago/
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A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.

The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."
The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2ftx/a_man_ran_into_the_bar_and_asked_the_bartender/
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I was asked" How often do you have sex?"

Almost everyday. Almost on Sunday. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Etc. Etc.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft25s0/i_was_asked_how_often_do_you_have_sex/
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Q: Have you ever seen Malcolm in the middle?

A) Yes
B) No
C) Maybe
D) I don't know
E) Can you repeat the question

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft24br/q_have_you_ever_seen_malcolm_in_the_middle/
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Why did Egyptian royalty have an easy time getting married?

They had great Pharaoh-mones

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft1yxm/why_did_egyptian_royalty_have_an_easy_time/
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My wife offered me a blowjob today.

‘Really’ I said
‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’
That’ll teach her to be funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft1o1w/my_wife_offered_me_a_blowjob_today/
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A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft10kc/a_man_who_lived_by_the_sea_grew_a_cucumber_so/
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A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."  So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset.  He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle.  "Is this your last request?" the chief asks.   "Uh, no," says the cowboy.  "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more."  "Ok..." says the chief.  The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses,
"You idiot!  I said 'Posse!  Posse!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0qtq/a_cowboy_is_captured_by_indians_the_chief_tells/
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Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations?

They can cube the number 2.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0e1m/did_you_know_that_wombats_are_capable_of_complex/
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Do you ever wonder "Who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing?"

Well, mind your own business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0ch3/do_you_ever_wonder_who_am_i_where_am_i_going_what/
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A woman is giving birth to her child

And finally, after much effort and pain, the doctor manages to help deliver the baby. The Doctor then proceeds to chuck the baby out of the window.
W: "Why? Why did you do that to my poor baby, you monster?"
The Doctor laughs maniacally and replies "April Fool's! He was already dead."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0axc/a_woman_is_giving_birth_to_her_child/
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What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

Halloumi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft07qs/what_did_the_cheese_say_when_it_saw_itself_in_the/
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A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.
The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.
The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical.
The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables.
After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception.
The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszz6t/a_man_visits_a_wise_man_and_meets_his_three/
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Thought of this one on my own when I was a youngster.

Why did the artist lose the gun fight?
He didn't draw his gun fast enough!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszxcn/thought_of_this_one_on_my_own_when_i_was_a/
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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?
**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.
**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**
**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you know him?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, but he sure was friendly.
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened after he sat down?
**Little Old Lady:**
He started to rub my thigh.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you stop him?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, I didn't stop him.
**Defense Attorney:**
Why not?
**Little Old Lady:**
It felt good.
Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened next?
**Little Old Lady:**
He began to rub my breasts.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you stop him then?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, I did not stop him.
**Defense Attorney:**
Why not?
**Little Old Lady:**
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened next?
**Little Old Lady:**
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him,
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
**Defense Attorney:**
Did he take you?
**Little Old Lady:**
Hell, no!
He just yelled, **'April Fool!'**
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszwxp/grandma_in_court/
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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.
Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000.
Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M).
Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls
-"*Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!*" - says the soldier in charge of the measurement.
-"*No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!*" - answers the colonel.
The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "*Wait...where are your balls*?!"
-"*I lost them in Vietnam*"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszw6c/three_american_colonels_are_in_the_us_about_to/
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They should put all COVID-19 patients to las vegas

What happens in vegas stays in vegas

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszrku/they_should_put_all_covid19_patients_to_las_vegas/
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Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer."

Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"
Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"
Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"
Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszoxm/doctor_im_sorry_to_say_youve_got_lung_cancer/
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A man is suing another man for a car crash....

Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it!
lawyer: how high can you raise it now?
the man raises his hand to a very low place
lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash?
the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszlse/a_man_is_suing_another_man_for_a_car_crash/
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How can you tell if a soprano is at your front door?

She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszl99/how_can_you_tell_if_a_soprano_is_at_your_front/
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

only one cause they don't like to share the spot light

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszjxu/how_many_actors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
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Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszhox/doctors_in_new_york_have_come_up_with_a_cocktail/
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Beautiful But

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor to get Beautiful Butt tattooed on her behind in large letters because her husband keeps telling her what a Beautiful Butt she has. The tattoo artist convinces her that Beautiful  Butt in large letters may not look to good with a big crack going down through the middle of the tattoo.  So they decide on a big B on each but check.After she gets the tattoo she goes home and gets ready to surprise her husband. She gets naked and waits at the top of stairs for him to come in from work.Her husband opens the front door, steps in and sees her naked at he top of the stairs.  She says,”I have a surprise for you honey.”  Turns around and bends over.  Her husband looks at her ass and says,”Bob, Bob, who in the hell is Bob!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszf3j/beautiful_but/
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What kind of jokes are allowed during the quarantine?

Inside jokes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszb7d/what_kind_of_jokes_are_allowed_during_the/
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What do they call it when your eye is infected with COVID-19?

Corona-Iris.  I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz6fd/what_do_they_call_it_when_your_eye_is_infected/
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911: 911, what is your emergency?

Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!
911: How do you know he was a painter?
Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz678/911_911_what_is_your_emergency/
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Why can't ants get sick from Coronavirus?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz5se/why_cant_ants_get_sick_from_coronavirus/
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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyxhp/the_spoon_in_a_waiters_pocket_catches_the/
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Why did the pilot get sick?

Because he flu

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyrjh/why_did_the_pilot_get_sick/
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Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:
“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:
“Actually, I’m going to this party at 8pm at this address. You should come by!”
So he finishes with work, and goes home. He tidied up, gets dressed, and gets ready for the party.
8pm rolls by, and he gets to the address. It’s got a neon sign labeled “The Joke.” He doesn’t know anyone there except for the frosted cheerio, and he just kind of wants to leave. She comes up to him and says:
“So glad you could come! Are you having a good time?”
“Not really. I don’t know anyone here except for you. I think I’m just gonna get some punch.” He says.
“Ooh, grab me a glass, would you?” She says.
So he goes up to the table with all the drinks and snacks and such, but there isn’t anyone there. He grabs two glasses and promptly gets back to the  frosted cheerio.
“So, how’d it go?” Says the frosted cheerio.
“Smoothly. There wasn’t even a line.” He replies.
“Really?” She has a look of pure astonishment for some reason.
“Yeah. The joke doesn’t have a punchline.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymst/told_this_joke_every_summer_as_a_camp_counselor/
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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me
I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.
When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.
He didn't go on holiday to Spain, France or even the Lake District. No, his family holidays were centred around the agricultural shows, especially the Great Yorkshire Show and the Appleby Show.
Sometimes, the tractor salesmen would even let him go for a ride on a tractor while they moved them about the ground!
As he grew up, his love for tractors never waned or faded, and was just as strong on his wedding day as when he was a child, to the point, he didn't have wedding cars, but tractors!
On his honeymoon, he and his new wife travelled north to stay at Appleby Manor Hotel and go to the show, telling everyone that they were honeymooning.
One of the salesmen, who'd known him for years, asked if he'd like to drive his new wife around the showground in the newest machine.
Obviously, he leapt at the chance! To take control of a tractor? This was a dream come true!
So, he and his wife climbed aboard and he drove a full circuit of the ground, loving every single second.
Of course, it couldn't last forever and all too soon, they got back to the salesman. They jumped down and thanked the salesman gratefully. The salesman asked if they'd like a photo with the tractor. Of course, they said yes and they stood next to the tractor, he with his hand on the step in front of the big wheel and his wife to the outside.
Unknown to anyone, he had forgotten to put the handbrake on and a sudden gust of wind, combined with the slight incline the tractor was on caused it to roll forward.
Before anyone realised what was happening, he'd slipped on the grass and the big wheel had run straight over him.
The Great North Air Ambulance service was in attendance and flew him straight to the Cumberland Infirmary at Carlisle. Nearly every bone in his body was broken, several of organs were damaged and he had huge internal bleeding.
It took hours of surgery to stabilise his condition, followed by a medically induced coma lasting several weeks and repeated surgical treatments to realign bones and repair what damage they could.
He then was put into an intense physiotherapy regime to teach him to walk and rebuild the strength he had lost over the past six months.
Obviously, all this time in the hospital gave him a lot of time to think about his life and he came to the realisation that being such a huge fan of tractors had been a massive waste of time and had, in the end, cost him a lot more than it had ever been worth. He vowed, silently, to leave his obsession behind and move on with a more normal life.
As he laid in his hospital bed, day after day, week after week, month after month, subsisting on the hospital food and whatever his beloved and devoted wife bought to him, he realised that when he got out of there, what he really fancied was a proper pie and a pint in a proper pub.
So when the day came, and he was finally discharged from the loving care of the infirmary, he hurpled on his stick across the road to the pub he'd seen. He got his pint from the bar, ordered a steak and ale pie with creamy mash, peas and gravy and took a seat at a table next to the window.
He was sipping away, soaking up the ambiance and listening to the old man at the end of the bar put the world to rights, when the door to the kitchen flew open and a huge billow of smoke plumed into the bar and filled the room.
Everyone was panicking, trying to get out of the pub, but not my mate.
He just calmly stood up, using the table for support and opened the window. He turned his head into the smoke and inhaled deeply, turned back to the window and blew out. He did this twice more and the smoke was gone.
Everyone just stopped and looked at him. After a moment the bartender spoke, “How the fuck did you do that???”
“Easy,” replied my friend, as he took his seat and picked up his pint, “I'm an ex tractor fan.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymm8/what_a_set_up_for_a_dad_joke_its_worth_it_tho/
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Wedding

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy3cb/wedding/
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Mickey Mouse wakes up on a snowy day and looks out his window.

He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops.
After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad news is, it was Minnie's hand writing. "

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxx82/mickey_mouse_wakes_up_on_a_snowy_day_and_looks/
%
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,

their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What’s yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxnjh/while_two_families_were_waiting_in_line_to_see/
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3 young men were lost in the desert without any food and water.

After almost a full day of trying to find their way out, they stumbled across a small house.  The 3 young men decided to see if there was any way they could get any help, including some drinks and a meal.  After knocking on the door, the ugliest, most wrinkly, stinkiest women answered the door.
Man #1: “So sorry to interrupt you this evening, but my two friends and I are stranded in this desert.  Could we possibly use your phone and have a snack and some water"
Lady: “Of course.  I would be happy to help you handsome young me out! I actually just brewed some tea and made meatloaf.  But first, one of you guys has to fuck me.”
The 3 young men looked at each other, almost vomiting at the idea of sticking their dick inside this vile woman.
Man #1: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I have a girl friend.”
He walks away, tapping his friends shoulder.
Man #2: “Yeah.  I’m gay so I won’t be able to get hard.”
He walks away, joining his other friend.
Man #3: “I will do it.  But you have to wear a blindfold.”
Lady: “That’s just fine sweetie. Come on in.”
Man #3 walks inside with the Lady while his other two friends stick outside.  The ugly lady undresses, puts a blindfold on, and hands him a condom.  He takes a corn on the cob from the pantry and inserts it into the lady, using it as a dildo.  The lady screams and moans while the man is trying not to gag from the smell.  After she orgasms, he throws the corn on the cob out of the window and stuffs the unused condom in his pocket.
Lady: “Wow that was absolutely amazing.  Here is some meatloaf and a thermos of iced tea.  My phone is on the countertop right over there”
After making some phone calls to his family and checking the gps to figure out how to get home, he walks outside with the meatloaf and some cold tea and walks around the corner of the house to find his friends.
Man #3: “Hey guys, look how good this meatloaf looks!”
Man #2: “Man, I don’t know about you. But we just shared the best buttered corn in our lives!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx8v5/3_young_men_were_lost_in_the_desert_without_any/
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A Religious Woman Get Married at 17

She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him.
He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side.
One year later she gets called to Heaven.
At her funeral, the Priest says, "Let us thank our Father in Heaven that they're finally together."
After the service, one of her children walks up to the Priest and asks, "When you said, 'Thank God they're together,' did you mean her and her first husband or her and her second husband?"
The Priest says, "...I meant her legs."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx5h7/a_religious_woman_get_married_at_17/
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A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.
"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.
Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"
"your husband did."
Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?"
"i cook better than you, madam."
"who said that?"
"Your husband did."
A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat.
"Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly.
"i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid.
With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?"
The maid answered, "no, the gardener did."
"Oh, so how much do you want?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx13r/a_gorgeous_maid_met_her_madam_and_asked_for_a_pay/
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Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx002/why_did_the_queen_felt_depressed_lately/
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Why did the people who moved constantly never get angry?

Because they were no-mads

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswxzr/why_did_the_people_who_moved_constantly_never_get/
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A guy almost lost all his money on Reddit.

To read the second part please input your credit card information bellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswl8s/a_guy_almost_lost_all_his_money_on_reddit/
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Since lockdown began, I've started making home movies...

You could say I've became a regular Tentin Quarantino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswgcf/since_lockdown_began_ive_started_making_home/
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I wish I could be ugly for just one day

Because honestly, being ugly everyday sucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswery/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_just_one_day/
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A man's wife goes missing...

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Colour of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Audi
Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswa5p/a_mans_wife_goes_missing/
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My wife complained that I never finish anything

So I replied wi

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsw7w7/my_wife_complained_that_i_never_finish_anything/
%
How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsw1t9/how_do_you_get_rid_of_a_republican/
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What do you call an orgy between planets?

The Big Bang.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsvriu/what_do_you_call_an_orgy_between_planets/
%
Why do the Swedish military have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they all return to port, they can Scandinavian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsvkwo/why_do_the_swedish_military_have_barcodes_on_the/
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I’ve been off my OCD pills for more than a year now!

(Or 374 days, 7 hours and 3 minutes to be exact)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsuqk1/ive_been_off_my_ocd_pills_for_more_than_a_year_now/
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A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.
The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.
The second man has a purple jumpsuit on and black adidas. He offers her a job coaching a middle school track team. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.
The third man is tall and skinny, wearing a big trench coat and with a greasy slicked down mustache. He offers her a job doing kinky knee videos for a very niche crowd of viewers. She has a very pretty set of knees so she agrees.
She excels tremendously at her job and within weeks has hundreds of guys paying her for simple videos of her knees! The only issue is, she’s up all night making them. She can’t sleep.
She comes down for breakfast one day with black bags under her eyes and her dad says “honey, you absolutely need to get some sleep.”
She replies “I can’t! I’m in some knee act”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsumjz/a_high_school_girl_decides_she_wants_extra_cash/
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The Gates of Heaven

Three friends Thomas, Arthur, and Frank die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them and tells them that due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, God asked him to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
The three friends were sad realizing that all three will not be together anymore, so they ask him how are you going to choose who among us will go through the gates? To which St Peter replied, " If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll go straight to Hell.”  The three friends agreed.
Thomas stepped in first. He was a philosopher so he said, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ Socrates’ teachings.”   With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, you are going to Hell!”
Arthur was next.  He was a mathematician so he asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!”    With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.  “Then, you are going to Hell!”
Finally, Frank stepped in. He asked St peter to bring him a chair and he brought forward a chair. Frank asked him to drill 20 holes on the chair, he did just that.
Frank then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”
St. Peter inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the top-right.”
“Wrong,” said Frank, “It’s wrong.”
“It came out from my asshole.”
And Frank went to Heaven.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsu453/the_gates_of_heaven/
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Where is the worst place you can go?

In your pants.
(From my 5 year old daughter, now much older)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstw8x/where_is_the_worst_place_you_can_go/
%
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?

Crabs on your organ

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstuau/whats_worse_than_lobsters_on_your_piano/
%
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Only two but you have to wonder how they got in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstbpd/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
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We're sorry to announce that April fools has been postponed.

Due to the recent coronavirus crisis, April fools has been postponed to May 1st, 2020.
Thanks for your cooperation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fst9wa/were_sorry_to_announce_that_april_fools_has_been/
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Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.

Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fst7xv/alright_2020_youve_had_your_fun/
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In highschool, I won the "most secretive" award!

I can't tell you how much it meant to me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssydp/in_highschool_i_won_the_most_secretive_award/
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A dude walks up to a woman at a party...

"Of all the ladies at this party, you're average", he said.
The woman replied, "You are mean".
And he said, "No, you are".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssu9u/a_dude_walks_up_to_a_woman_at_a_party/
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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssqqc/a_philosophy_professor_walks_in_to_give_his_class/
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Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssll8/why_did_snow_white_get_kicked_out_of_disneyland/
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I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...

...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssl2m/i_want_to_open_a_dispensary_for_people_who_like/
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Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive?

Attempted murder.
There was probable caws.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssdfp/why_did_the_cops_arrest_the_two_crows_before_more/
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A neutron was pulled over by a cop

There were no charges

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fss6f9/a_neutron_was_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
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Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."
The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"
They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
He answers, "I'm Boris Johnson."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fss1pk/three_men_are_sitting_in_a_hospital_room_the/
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What did the lovebirds eat in quarantine when their plans for Las Vegas were canceled?

Cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrzte/what_did_the_lovebirds_eat_in_quarantine_when/
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My ex has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh...

I shit you not, when you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsru9r/my_ex_has_a_tattoo_of_a_shell_on_her_inner_thigh/
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Little Boy

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrpjr/little_boy/
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I’ve always wanted to have Parkinson’s

Just to shake thing up a bit

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrlcm/ive_always_wanted_to_have_parkinsons/
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Parents should wake their kids up early tomorrow and tell them to get ready for school because coronavirus was canceled

April Fool's

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrhry/parents_should_wake_their_kids_up_early_tomorrow/
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I know I've never been all that attractive

But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrhcb/i_know_ive_never_been_all_that_attractive/
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What did the doe (female deer) say as she was coming out of the woods?

I'll never do that for two bucks again

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrgrt/what_did_the_doe_female_deer_say_as_she_was/
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Made this one up a couple months ago walking my daughter home from school after a snow day...

My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke.
If a chair made of snow is a snair,
And a table made of snow is a snable,
What is a house made of snow?
.
.
.
.
.
An igloo of course!!!
(I bet you thought snouse!!)
Posting today as I just realized it’s my cake day!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsre9r/made_this_one_up_a_couple_months_ago_walking_my/
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Game Warden

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrb3i/game_warden/
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April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus.

Everything you'll hear is true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsr8x8/april_fools_day_has_been_cancelled_due_to/
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My son is such a miserable c*nt

Bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqx1l/my_son_is_such_a_miserable_cnt/
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Teddy Roosevelt: what should we name the president's house?

**guy who named the blueberry:** what colour is it?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqx0m/teddy_roosevelt_what_should_we_name_the/
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“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqv2k/i_love_my_job_exclaimed_the_farmer_all_you_do_is/
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A man carefully looking through his marriage certificate

His wife asked: What are you looking for?
Man answered: Searched through this for 3 hours and found no GODDAMN Expiration date!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqtqq/a_man_carefully_looking_through_his_marriage/
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My wife said she thinks she saw people with blue-colored skin

I told her "It's just a pigment of your imagination"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqnii/my_wife_said_she_thinks_she_saw_people_with/
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Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsql3h/why_did_young_ewan_mcgregor_refuse_to_do_algebra/
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Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?

So you know that it's time to change the channel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqj1l/why_does_dj_khaled_shout_his_name_at_the/
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3 Engineers

are discussing God and the human body.
The first Engineer says God has to be an Electrical Engineer, who else could wire up such a complicated system?
The second Engineer says God has to be a Structural Engineer, who else could build such a strong and sturdy frame?
The third Engineer says you are both wrong. God IS a Civil Engineer, who else would run a sewer line through a recreational area?!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqfg2/3_engineers/
%
I asked a grocery store worker where I could find cakes, pastries and Twinkies and the like and he took me over to the right place, telling me this is the proper spot but then left me before I could find what I was looking for and I couldn't leave until I found it.

So, yes, I was stranded on a desserted aisle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqf9i/i_asked_a_grocery_store_worker_where_i_could_find/
%
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”
This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq7yy/i_was_doing_a_pretend_job_interview_with_my_6/
%
The end is neigh

bors

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq6cm/the_end_is_neigh/
%
A little old lady sold pretzels on the corner for fifty cents each

A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel.
This went on for nearly five years.
Even though they never spoke, every day he'd leave fifty cents, they'd make eye contact, and she would nod her gratitude as he walked away without a pretzel.
Finally one day, as the lawyer passed her stand and laid down his two quarters, the pretzel woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are my best customer, but you need to know something. The price of pretzels has gone up to seventy-five cents."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq4z8/a_little_old_lady_sold_pretzels_on_the_corner_for/
%
They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq28i/they_say_you_can_lead_a_horse_to_water_but_how_do/
%
I asked my sister how her blind date went

"Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about \*that\*?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspyp5/i_asked_my_sister_how_her_blind_date_went/
%
My parents said I could go outside but had to stay 6 feet away from everyone

So I went for a nice walk around the cemetery

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsprjg/my_parents_said_i_could_go_outside_but_had_to/
%
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb needs to want to truly change.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspnq7/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
%
A man is buying a banana, an apple, and two eggs...

The female cashier says, “Wow, you must be single!”
The man answers, “Yes, actually I am. How on earth did you know that?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspmwc/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
%
This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day !

Yesterday he brought a dog along

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsp4t8/this_german_shepherd_comes_has_a_poo_on_my_lawn/
%
Testing trouble.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsot27/testing_trouble/
%
Starting Salary.

,Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsos7m/starting_salary/
%
British people be like “I’m bri ish”

Because they drank the t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoopl/british_people_be_like_im_bri_ish/
%
Ancient Greeks invented sex

And Romans made it fun by adding women into it.....
Until the British came...eh...arrived.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoo5t/ancient_greeks_invented_sex/
%
A guy was walking home at night.

When out of nowhere a hooker appeared and said “20 dollars.” The man replies “Hmmm... I’ve never been with a hooker before.  At that point the man and the hooker walk over to some nearby bushes. They start going at it and about a minute or two in an officer walks over to the bushes and shines his light on the woman’s face. The officer says “What’s going on here?” To the man and the hooker. The man replies “I was making love to my wife.” The officer responds with “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” The man than replies with “Well neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsom3m/a_guy_was_walking_home_at_night/
%
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Ukranian man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Ukranian man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the bacon, pig?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsojb1/an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_ukranian_man/
%
Why should China have a baseball team?

Because they can take out the whole world with just one bat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoe4j/why_should_china_have_a_baseball_team/
%
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.”
Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”
His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”
Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.
On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.
Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.
Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”
Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsobjc/christmas_was_coming_and_little_johnnys_mom_and/
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What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoa6d/what_do_you_call_a_bacterial_disease_caused_by/
%
Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it's cheaper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fso9io/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
%
I told my wife to flatten her curves

Now we are socially distanced

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fso7ck/i_told_my_wife_to_flatten_her_curves/
%
My boxing student quit so I think I’m going to replace her with my stylist.

I remember that she said she was proud of her bob and weave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnr70/my_boxing_student_quit_so_i_think_im_going_to/
%
A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."
"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.
"Why?" the doctor inquired.
"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnimq/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_and_told_him_every_night/
%
My girlfriend and I are practicing social distancing

Or as she calls it breaking up with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnhdn/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_practicing_social/
%
Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine?

Because it was a naan-Essential business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnegs/why_did_the_quarantine_shut_down_the_indian/
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Why was Heisenberg a poor lover?

When he had the position, he couldn't find the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he couldn't find the position.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsna07/why_was_heisenberg_a_poor_lover/
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Jim moves to a small village for a new job...

... And the village has no women - only men and animals.
Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?"
The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there."
Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to himself, "God! These barbarians are practicing bestiality! How terrible!"
However, after months of living in the village, the horse looks more and more attractive. One day, the man can't take it anymore and asks the head of the village if he can use the horse for sex. The leader agrees, and so he sends a team of volunteers, headed by Jim, to use the horse.
As they approach the horse, Jim takes off his pants and starts boinking this horse.
"**What are you doing?**" exclaimed the rest of the team, "We don't fuck the horse; we ride it to the next town over!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsn6er/jim_moves_to_a_small_village_for_a_new_job/
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The peculiar tale of Hyman Goldfarb

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.
On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.
"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"
"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."
"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."
"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"
Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"
"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh.
Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."
At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh."
The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsmoxj/the_peculiar_tale_of_hyman_goldfarb/
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In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.
Have fun!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fslvls/in_honor_of_the_eve_of_april_fools_day_just/
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The words I'm sorry and I apologize mean the exact same thing...

...well except at funeral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fslbyw/the_words_im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_exact/
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Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?

Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsl4j7/have_you_heard_what_happen_to_mike_tysons_strip/
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If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're.

Their, I finally said it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskttg/if_you_re_bored_during_lock_down_try_finally/
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A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”
“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to tell you is a secret, so you mustn’t share this with anyone. Not a SOUL. Don’t tell your father, don’t tell the tortoise down the street, nobody. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” said the chick.
“Well, your brother, he’s adapted.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskrsg/a_mother_galapagos_finch_has_two_chicks/
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What do you call two ants who have a baby together?

Pair ants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskj9q/what_do_you_call_two_ants_who_have_a_baby_together/
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I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjvbb/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_arm_in_2_places/
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Surprising horse

A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside.
They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to buy it, along with with a wide array of farm animals. A few months later, when they are settled in, they decide to invite the local vicar and his wife around for Sunday lunch in an effort to get to know their neighbours.
Before the meal, John, Sarah, the vicar and his wife were sitting around the kitchen table talking, when the door suddenly flew open and in rushed Jimmy shouting "mum, dad, the bull is f**cking the cow!" John and Sarah were horrified and embarrassed that their guests should hear such coarse language. They both apologised profusely to the vicar and his wife and asked if lunch could be postponed to the following Sunday.
Meanwhile, John and Sarah took Jimmy to one side and said, "Jimmy, it would have been so much better if you had told us that the bull was 'surprising' the cow instead of using the word you did".
Next Sunday, just as before, the couple, as well as the vicar and his wife were sitting chatting before lunch, when again the door burst suddenly open and in rushed Jimmy breathlessly announcing "mum, dad, the bull is surprising all the cows", "He can't be surprising all the cows" said his mother, "He is mum" said Jimmy," He's f**cking the horse!".
(Not my joke; copypasta from elsewhere)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjuph/surprising_horse/
%
Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjsmb/yesterday_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/
%
Chinese medicine

The Brit expat couple had great jobs in Hong Kong, but after at time the man noted a problem.  His wife seemed less interested in having sex with him.  He went to see an ancient Chinese man, a practitioner of Confucian holistic medicine.
"So simple," the sage said.  "Rule of nine.  Make move nine times, then change.  Plant jade stalk in flowering lotus hard and fast, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9.  Then pause for count of nine.  Then do oh-so-slow for nine.  Than pause .  Then change position from on top to on side.  Same.  Than change from on side to like doggies.  Then same.  Keep up for 90 minutes. Do this, she go wild for you."
The Brit paid the sage, went home, and tried it.  As promised, his wife went wild.  At the end she rolled over, sweaty, limp, and half conscious, and asked her adoring husband "Herbert, that was fantastic.
How EVER did you learn to fuck like a Chinaman?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjq0t/chinese_medicine/
%
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjovg/momma_always_said_life_was_like_a_box_of/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjlzd/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
%
Don't Lie to Your Mom

**Could have been posted before**, however here it goes...
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote :
\----------------------
*Dear Mother:*
*I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.*
*Love, Kumar*
\----------------------
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which reads :
\----------------------
*Dear Son:*
*I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow.*
*Love, Mom.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsj1wr/dont_lie_to_your_mom/
%
As of today, I am cancer free!!!

(I never had cancer, just wanted to announce I'm cancer free)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsicy4/as_of_today_i_am_cancer_free/
%
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.

While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:  "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.”
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?”
The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that risk.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsi8dd/donald_trump_goes_on_a_factfinding_visit_to_israel/
%
What is the German term for food shortages?

Wurst Käse Scenario.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshsjb/what_is_the_german_term_for_food_shortages/
%
What do you call a black man and a Chinese man stuck in traffic?

Rush hour

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshr7m/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_and_a_chinese_man/
%
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust
Herpilations 4:20

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshpl1/ashes_to_ashes_dust_to_dust/
%
The golden rule of having sex with twins

You can't come between them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshpat/the_golden_rule_of_having_sex_with_twins/
%
Did you know the Canary Islands have no canaries? Same with the Virgin Islands.

No canaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshoxj/did_you_know_the_canary_islands_have_no_canaries/
%
There are three types of people in this world

The people who can count
And the people who can’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsho8k/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
If you are looking for alphabet jokes,

the joke is on U.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshmaz/if_you_are_looking_for_alphabet_jokes/
%
do you know how they lined up the snobby prisoners?

they did it in con-descending order

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshl76/do_you_know_how_they_lined_up_the_snobby_prisoners/
%
Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac

They always take things literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshc1f/never_tell_a_pun_to_a_kleptomaniac/
%
The guilt from stealing and eating a whole peach is getting to me

It's like theres a pit in my stomach

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshbyj/the_guilt_from_stealing_and_eating_a_whole_peach/
%
I hate people that say age is just a number

Age is clearly a word

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsh92s/i_hate_people_that_say_age_is_just_a_number/
%
The "teen" years of the 21st century didn’t end in 2019 like they were supposed to

Twenty-Thir TEEN
Twenty-Four TEEN
Twenty-Fif TEEN
Twenty-Six TEEN
Twenty-Seven TEEN
Twenty-Eight TEEN
Twenty-Nine TEEN
Quar-an TEEN

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgype/the_teen_years_of_the_21st_century_didnt_end_in/
%
A child asked his dad," how are coins made".

The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".
Then the child responded," That makes cents".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgvpf/a_child_asked_his_dad_how_are_coins_made/
%
What’s a kiss after a blowjob?

Cash back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgviz/whats_a_kiss_after_a_blowjob/
%
Before Coronavirus I used to cough to cover a fart.

Now I fart to cover a cough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgj4a/before_coronavirus_i_used_to_cough_to_cover_a_fart/
%
"Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?"

"Because your mom loves Roses."
"Thanks Dad."
"No problem, John."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgiqb/dad_why_is_my_sisters_name_rose/
%
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were at least sevens or eights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgd7y/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed/
%
" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me

I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfzt0/im_on_tinder_just_to_see_how_tinder_actually/
%
April showers bring May flowers. What do Mayflowers bring?

Smallpox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfzi6/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do/
%
My Wife is missing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfw10/my_wife_is_missing/
%
Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today

So the death row inmates were left hanging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfne1/because_of_the_lockdown_the_people_from_the/
%
I just told my best mate how much i love Beyonce.

She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfdlt/i_just_told_my_best_mate_how_much_i_love_beyonce/
%
a blind man walks into a restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfbke/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
%
You know, I don't get this Coronavirus...

Must be an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsf650/you_know_i_dont_get_this_coronavirus/
%
How do you know when its time for bed in Jeffrey Epstine house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsf3g4/how_do_you_know_when_its_time_for_bed_in_jeffrey/
%
i prefer decimals over fractions

fractions are just pointless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsezd1/i_prefer_decimals_over_fractions/
%
What do programmers eat for breakfast?

Nothing much, just a byte.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fser8r/what_do_programmers_eat_for_breakfast/
%
How do you know if somebody is curious?

>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsegbh/how_do_you_know_if_somebody_is_curious/
%
5 years ago, I went to an important job interview

At the end of the interview, he asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
"Probably sitting at home all day playing video games." I told him.
Needless to say, I did not get the job but hey, look where we are now!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fse5fo/5_years_ago_i_went_to_an_important_job_interview/
%
A teacher asked the class

of first graders for the ones which was idiots to stand up.
After a short while 1 of the students stood up, then the teacher asked him
"Do you think you're an idiot?"
the student then responded
"No, I just felt bad that you had to stand alone"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fse1dv/a_teacher_asked_the_class/
%
Three prisoners are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian asks for pepperoni pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a filet mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
The captors are surprised and reply: “Strawberries?”
“Yes, Strawberries.”
“But they are out of season!”
“I’ll wait.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsdx5q/three_prisoners_are_about_to_be_executed_they_are/
%
So there was this man who wanted to be a train conductor (Long)

So he works really hard at it and one day his dream came true. He was driving his train one day when he got distracted and he crashed killing one passenger. In his country the punishment for this is the electric chair. So they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 1 banana. Well it was a strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his banana they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. A year or 2 later he somehow managed to get his job back and was driving the train again and, what do you know he crashed. But this time he killed 2 passengers. Well the trial happened he was getting the electric chair again and they strap him up again and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 2 bananas this time. they thought that it was a really strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his bananas they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. So about 5 years later he managed to get his job back yet again. He is driving again and crashed yet again. Trial happened again he was sentenced to death by the chair again. they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 3 bananas. This time the executioner yells NO BANANAS THIS TIME and turns on the machine. And what do you know the conductor lived. The executioner asks the conductor, "how do you still live?" The conductor replies "I guess I am just a bad conductor".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsdldt/so_there_was_this_man_who_wanted_to_be_a_train/
%
What's the biggest difference between Communism and Capitalism?

Capitalism uses common sense
Communism uses common cents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd9y3/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_communism/
%
British people are like: “I’m Bri ish”

...and here’s the t☕️

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd6pi/british_people_are_like_im_bri_ish/
%
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd4ba/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship_in_the/
%
‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor...

It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."
I opened the door.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
Just what in the hell did she mean?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd2ua/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_door/
%
As a crowded airliner is about to take off

, the peace is shattered by a  5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No  matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him  down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around  him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly  man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking  forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised  hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and,  motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and  quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into  spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin  attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly,  "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my  pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that  they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscx9u/as_a_crowded_airliner_is_about_to_take_off/
%
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?”
The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscwvn/an_electron_is_driving_down_a_motorway_and_a/
%
R.Kelly has tested positive..

for SHEWASNT-19

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscup6/rkelly_has_tested_positive/
%
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.

The 1st nurse says "I can't let that go to waste." She rides him. The 2nd nurse does the same. The 3rd nurse hesitates and explains that she is on her period but rides him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologies saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I'm feeling great!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscf3m/three_nurses_working_in_a_morgue_discover_a_dead/
%
A frog goes into a bank

and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge.  Good luck out there.
Edit 2:  Not RIP Inbox, but certainly the highest fever to date.  Exceeded 600 upvoted.  Thanks!!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscewo/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
%
I've just got back from Tesco...

I've just got back from Tesco and I've seen a guy buying four crates of San Miguel, five paella’s and three sombreros and I thought to myself...
...Hispanic buying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsc8jy/ive_just_got_back_from_tesco/
%
I was going to tell a gay joke...

But I couldn’t keep a straight face

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsc3qa/i_was_going_to_tell_a_gay_joke/
%
When COVID is over I’m going to go dancing with random people and insult them.

Social diss dancing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbp1t/when_covid_is_over_im_going_to_go_dancing_with/
%
Senior Sex

--
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbjv3/senior_sex/
%
A symptom of Covid-19 is losing your sense of taste

According to my wardrobe I've had it for years!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbie7/a_symptom_of_covid19_is_losing_your_sense_of_taste/
%
There are two types of people in this world

Avoid both!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbca3/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
%
Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...

All I could do was give them a puzzled look.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbbmt/somebody_knocked_my_glasses_off_and_the_lenses/
%
Hi everyone just be careful out their

Please Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine no situation is too pressing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsb7ov/hi_everyone_just_be_careful_out_their/
%
Hi, Im William and Im so grateful god gave me two eyes

Without them I'd be just Wllam

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsauf0/hi_im_william_and_im_so_grateful_god_gave_me_two/
%
I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances

certain circumstances
funny

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsatfq/i_wasnt_sure_if_i_should_post_this_here_because/
%
The young couple next door are making sex videos during the lockdown

They just don't know it though...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsarvn/the_young_couple_next_door_are_making_sex_videos/
%
This social distancing is going too far.

I just went to make a cake and the first line on the packet said separate 2 eggs  🥚<-->🥚

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsahu5/this_social_distancing_is_going_too_far/
%
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?

They just went through a grueling 31 day March.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsaep3/why_is_everyone_so_tired_on_april_1st/
%
What is the worst combination of two sicknesses?

Diarrhea and Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsabwq/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_two_sicknesses/
%
A man visits a Doctor

He says "doctor my maid has tested positive for corona virus"
Doctor says "ok she would now have to go in
isolation"
"But sir, I had kissed her"
"No problem, all make mistakes in youth. You are also going in isolation"
"But then I kissed my wife too"
"You crazy bitch, now I also have to go in isolation"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa43d/a_man_visits_a_doctor/
%
My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."
She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"
To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa3ur/my_wife_said_i_dreamed_they_were_auctioning_off/
%
Jesus and Moses

were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long hair and flowing robes and they just blend in.
Jesus says, “Damn Moses I don’t understand, the last time I was down here people would gather around and praise me.” Moses said, “I know me too. Watch this I’ll show them.”
He walks over, grabs a frisbee And throws it out in the ocean. Walk up to the water, raises his hands and parts the water. He walks out picks up the frisbee, walks back to shore and everyone says, “ Yeah Moses.”
Jesus says that’s pretty good Moses, but watch this.” He grabs the frisbee, throws it out in the ocean, takes off running across the water and just sinks.
Moses walks up to water, raises his hands, parts the water, pulls Jesus up on shore, and pumps the water out of him. Jesus wakes up looks at Moses and says,”I don’t understand Moses, the last time I was down here I used to do this all the time.”
Moses says, “SURE JUSES, BUT THAT’S BEFORE YOU HAD THE HOLES IN YOUR FEET.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa1uq/jesus_and_moses/
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One of the students requested his teacher that he wanted to talk to him after class

Teacher: - "What do you want to talk about?"
Student: - "I think I'm intelligent enough and I should be in a higher class. Can you send me to a higher class?"
The teacher delivered her request to the school director, and the director conducted an interview to assess the student's ability.
Director: - "How much is 3 by 4?"
Student: - "12".
Director: - "Well, how much is 6 by 6?"
Student: - "36".
Director: - "Where is Japan's capital?"
Student: - "Tokyo"
The director questioned for about half an hour and the student made no mistake in answering once.
Then he said to Teacher that if you want to ask anything you can ask.
Teacher: - "Okay, so what is that thing that cows have four and I have two?"
(The director looked at Teacher with surprise).
Student: - "Legs!"
Teacher: - "Exactly, now tell me what's in your pants and not in my pants?"
(Director was shocked and embarrassed).
Student: - "pocket"
Teacher: - "Where do women have curly hair?"
(The director is shocked).
Student: - "In Africa"
Teacher: - "What is the soft thing that becomes hard in the hands of women?"
(The director's heartbeat stopped).
Student: - "Nail polish".
Teacher: - "What is between the legs of women and men?" (Director mumbles).
Student: - "Knees"
Teacher: - "Awesome! Now tell me what is it that a married woman has bigger than a virgin girl?"
(The director's body is dead).
Student: - "A Bed".
Teacher: - "What is the place in my body that causes the highest moisture on the planet?"
(The director looked up at the sky and started shouting to God).
Student: -"Mouth"
After hearing all this, the director said: I don’t deserve to be Director anymore, I am going back to Kindergarten

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9x9k/one_of_the_students_requested_his_teacher_that_he/
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They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people

They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9wog/they_did_a_study_comparing_the_brains_of_17/
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Technically we're all Jokers

Cause we're all getting fucked over by a bat man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9nju/technically_were_all_jokers/
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A once small tree house building business exploded into a giant nationwide company.

They have branches everywhere these days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9m9n/a_once_small_tree_house_building_business/
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I've found something a thousand times better than Instagram

Instakilogram

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9hha/ive_found_something_a_thousand_times_better_than/
%
As soon as this Corona thing settles a bit

I'm just gonna stay home for a few days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9bht/as_soon_as_this_corona_thing_settles_a_bit/
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Parrot

It's a woman and it's her birthday, so she decides to go out and buy herself a parrot. She goes to a lot of stores, but she can't find one. Disappointed, she decides to go home. Finally, she sees a pet store where she hasn't been yet so she goes to see if she can find a parrot there. She goes to see the salesman and asks him if he has a parrot.
"No, sorry, I don't."
"But I see one at the back of your shop, it's got a bit of a strange face but well..."
"It's not for sale, it'll get you in trouble."
"I don't care, it's my birthday, I absolutely want one!"
"Well, OK, but he grew up in a brothel, so he's a bit vulgar."
So she buys the parrot and goes home. Then she gets ready to go out to celebrate her birthday with some friends and when she gets to the front door, the parrot starts talking.
"Hey bitch! You're gonna get fucked tonight, aren't you? Bitch..."
She doesn't pay attention to him and leaves. She comes home at 4am and the parrot says to her.
"So bitch? Did you get fucked good?"
She's tired, so she's going to bed. She wakes up the next day and goes to breakfast. There the parrot talks to her again.
"Hey bitch! You're walking funny today, you got fucked really good last night, didn't you? Fucking slut..."
She finally gets mad and goes back to the store where she bought the parrot. She asks the clerk if he has a solution to calm the parrot down.
"I might have something that could work. It's a special black paint, it'll shut him up."
So she goes home and as usual the parrot greets her.
"Hey bitch!"
She takes the paint and paints it black. Then he says nothing more. After a week without him saying anything she goes to him and says.
"Well, asshole? You don't talk now, do you?"
"When I'm in a tuxedo, I don't talk to bitches."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8qca/parrot/
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KNOCK KNOCK

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is  	impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8psb/knock_knock/
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Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation offered its employees a huge reward to come up with diagnoses. To the surprise of the top engineers, old Jenkins the janitor meekly said he had an idea. Well, desperation breeds opportunities, so they asked him to explain. In reply he merely requested a power drill, and when supplied one he climbed onto the wings of the latest prototype and proceeded to make holes a few inches apart where the wings joined the fuselage. "Now, get your test pilot to fly the fighter", Jenkins advised. Sceptical, but curious, the engineers did. Lo! The jet fighter passed with flying (pun intended) colors. No more wing snapping. Amazed, the engineers surrounded Jenkins amidst all the celebration and asked him how he had hit upon such a clever solution that evaded all the engineering brains. Here is Jenkins' response.
"Ladies and gentlemen, even though I did not not have the benefit of university training like you, I am an observant chappie. You see, as janitor one of my duties is to change the toilet rolls in the loos when they run low.
Now, you know how toliet paper has rows of holes separating sheets?
Well, how often have you seen toilet paper actually tear along these holes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8ivz/engineers_take_a_bow/
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How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

An NSFW tag

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8bp9/how_do_you_grab_the_attention_of_a_pervert/
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I feel famous

This entire subreddit is about me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs89b3/i_feel_famous/
%
Why can't China play baseball?

Because they will eat the Bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs87gn/why_cant_china_play_baseball/
%
Why every brit says "I'm brii iish"?

I thought they liked t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs81fr/why_every_brit_says_im_brii_iish/
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It was never my intention to be a porn star

Something just came over me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7zon/it_was_never_my_intention_to_be_a_porn_star/
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The Logician Husband

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7z2k/the_logician_husband/
%
The titanic was a good cruise ship and all...

But it's luxury only scratched the tip of the iceberg
I don't need upvotes I need a thank you

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7yv6/the_titanic_was_a_good_cruise_ship_and_all/
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2 smokers are out on a cruise on a boat.

They realise they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.
Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?
Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”
Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out into the sea.
The boat is now a cigarette lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7yef/2_smokers_are_out_on_a_cruise_on_a_boat/
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Don’t die, there is so much to live for...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
He said "Why shouldn't I?".
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7xp1/dont_die_there_is_so_much_to_live_for/
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African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its construction that was in keeping with the best of tradition - everything was made of grass and leaves.
One day, the chief was on his throne receiving some ambassadors when the trophy thrones above him proved to be too heavy and the straw paltform collapsed. The thrones fell on him, and sad to say, he joined his ancestors in the happy hunting grounds.
Which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7wgl/african_chief_whose_obsession_was_to_conquer/
%
Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?

“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
“No, not a soul, actually.”
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7w36/excuse_me_sir_have_you_seen_a_police_officer/
%
There’s an unusual hospital

where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.
For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything to do with him.
Days go by and the poor man’s health doesn’t improve. So finally, this one nurse feels sorry for him and brings him home.
When she comes in the next morning, she is smiling and happy. The other nurses ask, “Why are you so happy? Weren’t you with the guy who has ‘Shorty’ tattooed on his penis?”
“Yes,” she says, “but when he became aroused, it said ‘Shorty’s Restaurant and Pizzeria.’”
“. . . established 1922.”
“. . . orders to take out.”
“. . . all baking done on premises.”
“. . . ask about our party platters.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7i67/theres_an_unusual_hospital/
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Why are there no cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed the cat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6xqt/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
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How to make your wife scream

Three men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The Indian man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with coconut oil, we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.  They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the curtains ."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6x6n/how_to_make_your_wife_scream/
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I have dedicated my entire life to knowing 96% of the alphabet

I really don't know why though

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6x17/i_have_dedicated_my_entire_life_to_knowing_96_of/
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The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6sdy/the_u2_spy_plane_took_many_pictures_during_its/
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In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative.

They always think out of the box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6lpe/in_my_opinion_claustrophobics_are_the_most/
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Whats the meaning of ignorance, and apathy?

I don't know, and i dont care.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6eqx/whats_the_meaning_of_ignorance_and_apathy/
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A family were having dinner...

All of a sudden, the 5yo daughter says:
"grandpa is going to die"
Nobody takes her seriously, and they go to bed. In the middle of the night, the hospital calls to tell the father that his own father died. Strange coincidence.
The next day, the family is having dinner again, and this time, the little girl says:
"Grandma is going to die"
Surely enough, in the middle of the night, the phone rings to announce the passing of the mother of the father.
The dad is getting nervous, and when he hears his daughter say:
"My father is going to die"
He shits himself and spends the night writing goodbyes to his family and friends and hugging his wife for his final moments.
Then the phone rings.
The dad picks it up and asks what is wrong:
"Your brother died"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5w2t/a_family_were_having_dinner/
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I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5rpk/i_saw_my_ex_girlfriend_standing_across_the_museum/
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5q3b/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
%
A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them.  The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was looking at her now.
“Why would you do that!?”, the wife asked.
“They announced on the news this morning the symptoms for corona virus. One of them is having no sense of taste. Just look at that guy!” Proclaimed the husband.
“What are you...” the wife began to say when she noticed the guy in question was wearing crocs. She gasped and ran out of the store as fast as her legs could take her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5kid/a_husband_and_wife_went_out_shopping_for/
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I Bought A Terrible Thesaurus

It was terrible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5kdg/i_bought_a_terrible_thesaurus/
%
This quarantine thing isn’t working out.

My wife and I have become so close that I almost told her about my girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5f72/this_quarantine_thing_isnt_working_out/
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I have Backstreet Boys stuck in my head.

Tell me whyeie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs59y3/i_have_backstreet_boys_stuck_in_my_head/
%
Two interesting facts about me

Fact No 1 - My penis is exactly the length of 2 Ikea pencils.
Fact No 2 - I am now banned from Ikea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5078/two_interesting_facts_about_me/
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My ex has the body of a 19 y/o. Wanna see it? :-)

It's in the fridge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4u5g/my_ex_has_the_body_of_a_19_yo_wanna_see_it/
%
I used to tell dad jokes

He laughed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4sl1/i_used_to_tell_dad_jokes/
%
This actually happened...

My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4qs5/this_actually_happened/
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An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar

. They all order a pint of liquor and the Englishman notices a vase full of gold coins in the corner of the bar, he asks what its for and the bar keeper says that they can have it if they complete 3 tasks
1. Down a bottle of vodka
2. Pull out a thorn in a lions foot
3. Bang a 100 year old lady
The Englishman passes out after drinking 1/3 of the vodka. The Scotsman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and runs out missing a hand. The Irishman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and stays for 10 minutes. The Irishman emerges from the room covered in blood and scratches and he asks "now where's that old lady with a thorn in her foot".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4qiz/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
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Three old women sat smoking in a park

As the day went on it grew darker and eventually it began to rain. The first two ladies pulled out condoms, cut the tips off and rolled them over their cigarettes and continue to smoke. The third lady was amazed at this product that allowed her friends to smoke in the rain. “What are those and where can I get some?” She inquired. “Just go to the pharmacy and ask for some condoms.”  They replied. A few days later the third lady finds her way to the pharmacy. “Excuse me, can I have some condoms please?” She askes the pharmacist. “Of course,” he replies. “Do you know what size you need?” The lady thinks for a moment then replies, “big enough for a camel.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4q9h/three_old_women_sat_smoking_in_a_park/
%
Wanna know the weird thing about dead babies?

They’re still born

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4o1s/wanna_know_the_weird_thing_about_dead_babies/
%
So the avatar was gone for 100 years and he came back

That's what I call a Boomer Aang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4nmn/so_the_avatar_was_gone_for_100_years_and_he_came/
%
Godwin's law

states that someone will always correct you on the internet. It also says that the people who correct you will likely be corrected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4gcr/godwins_law/
%
Seen my goat?

Two guys were walking through a field when they came across a big hole in the ground. One said how deep do you think this hole is? The other guy says don’t know, let’s throw a rock down there then listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom. So they threw a rock in and never heard it hit.... we need a bigger rock to hear it so they found a big rock ..... still nothing. Looking around they found a railroad tie and said surely we will here that hit bottom so they both struggled and heaved into the hole, while waiting to hear it hit bottom this goat came running up right in between them and jumped into the hole.  They were freaking out when a man walked up and asked, have you seen a goat around here? They were like yeah one just ran up and jumped down that hole. The man said no that couldn’t be mine ....  I had mine tied to a railroad tie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4dxn/seen_my_goat/
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Do you know why they wear pants in England but kilts in Scotland?

It's because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.... But goats don't hear so good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4ap4/do_you_know_why_they_wear_pants_in_england_but/
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If being Russian means my b's are v's,

Then Soviet
^(not a repost)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs41qz/if_being_russian_means_my_bs_are_vs/
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Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs40hk/never_criticize_someone_until_youve_walked_a_mile/
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Yo mamma so fat

Thanos had to clap

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3ucv/yo_mamma_so_fat/
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An old proverb

Benny gets engaged to a woman and her father tells him he wants to talk to him.
"What do you want?" Benny asks.
"Well, I wanted you to know that you can't shave until you get  married or you'll be turned into a vase."
Benny thinks it's a little weird, but he wants to honor what his future father-in-law believes in. As time goes on though he thinks about shaving so he'll look nice for his wedding, but he doesn't. Finally, the day of the wedding comes and he decides he HAS to shave. He does and he gets turned into a vase.
Do you know the moral?
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3mgy/an_old_proverb/
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It is near the end of the school year.

The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3avv/it_is_near_the_end_of_the_school_year/
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How do you weigh a millennial?

In Instagrams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs34pb/how_do_you_weigh_a_millennial/
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This Fall, I’m finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting San Francisco and seeing The Golden Gate in person.

My wife said, “What will you do when you finally see it?”
Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs34fx/this_fall_im_finally_going_to_fulfill_my_lifelong/
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A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags.

He asked “What are you doing?” She says “I’ve had it with this life! I’m going to Vegas and let men have their way with me for $1000 a night!”
Man says “Ok! I’m coming with you!”
“Why?”
“I want to see how you live on $2000 a year!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2kwe/a_man_comes_home_from_work_to_find_his_wife/
%
How can you tell which one is a blonde waitress?

She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering where she put her pencil.
Source: Heard it ages ago

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2icq/how_can_you_tell_which_one_is_a_blonde_waitress/
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NSFW What’s the difference between a blond guy and a blonde girl?

The blonde girl has a higher sperm count.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2er4/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_blond_guy_and/
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Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs22ku/bill_clinton_and_the_pope_both_died_on_the_same/
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What do you call a dog that is barking at Reddit?

A subwoofer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs218t/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_is_barking_at_reddit/
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Hey, my name is Mike. Or as the ladies call me...

Hey you over there in the bushes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1ycg/hey_my_name_is_mike_or_as_the_ladies_call_me/
%
Man, social distancing sucks.

WHO thought this was a good idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1w3p/man_social_distancing_sucks/
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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 92% of their body.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1oql/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_92_of_their/
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It's not that I don't know how to juggle

I just don't have the balls to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs12zt/its_not_that_i_dont_know_how_to_juggle/
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I don’t trust streets with lots of trees on them.

They seem shady.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0vmd/i_dont_trust_streets_with_lots_of_trees_on_them/
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Growing up I wanted to famous for painting prisoners...

But my mother told me I couldn't; she said there's no good money in becoming a con artist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0szd/growing_up_i_wanted_to_famous_for_painting/
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Why do orphans have iPhone Xs

Because it has no home button

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0r8s/why_do_orphans_have_iphone_xs/
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I just watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero at the supermarket.

I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0n5v/i_just_watched_a_guy_purchase_a_piñata_some/
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My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

**Wife:** whatever means necessary.
**Me:** No it doesn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0mlp/my_wife_is_fed_up_of_my_constant_dad_jokes_so_i/
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My favorite Clean Joke

A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a  man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the man replies that he is there to apply for the job. "I don't want to be insensitive", the priest exclaims, "but I don't see how you can fulfil the requirements of the job?". The man pleads with the priest to give him a chance and the priest decides to acquiesce only to convince him that it's a waste of time. When they get to the top of the tower the priest points to the large bell and says "Well there it is!", but before he can finish the sentence the man starts running straight at it and strikes it face first. The shocked priest shouts "No!! What are you doing?", but again the man runs the length of the bell tower headfirst into the bell, which is starting to sway back and forth. the priest yells "Stop, please, no more" but the guy is already running full speed at the bell and again strikes it headfirst. By now the bell is really rocking back and forth and starting to ring. The priest pleads with the man who is now bruised and bloodied, "For the Love of God, no more", but his pleas fall on deaf ears as the guy sprints across the tower at the swinging bell. Unfortunately, he mistimes it misses the bell entirely and flies off the edge of the bell tower. The priest screams and rushes down the stairs to help the guy. When he gets to the bottom he sees a crowd of people gathered around and pushes his way thru to the bruised and battered body. Someone says "Father do you know this man?", and the priest answers"No, but his face rings a bell!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0mfl/my_favorite_clean_joke/
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I wonder how this whole coronavirus thing has affected Wuhan china cymbal sales.

I think the market has crashed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0h9s/i_wonder_how_this_whole_coronavirus_thing_has/
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How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain?

Soy Bean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0ddk/how_did_rowan_atkinson_introduce_himself_when_he/
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People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight..

I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs005o/people_always_say_dont_bring_a_knife_to_a_gun/
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I gently slid her panties to the left...

So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzs38/i_gently_slid_her_panties_to_the_left/
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What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzptb/what_does_the_starship_enterprise_toilet_paper/
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How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzi5w/how_are_women_like_swimming_pools/
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What do women and grenades have in common?

Take the ring off and the house is gone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgqz/what_do_women_and_grenades_have_in_common/
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An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!
Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?
iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgex/an_android_phone_and_an_iphone_meet_after_a_year/
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Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves

today was the tip of the iceberg

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgay/ran_out_of_toilet_paper_so_had_to_start_using/
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Doctor: Your dad is not with us anymore.

Me: Oh No. Oh My God.
Doctor: He is at a different hospital.
Me: Oh, Thank God.
Doctor: But he is dead though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz8g3/doctor_your_dad_is_not_with_us_anymore/
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A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...

...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
-1:0 I am winning, - says the man.
Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.
-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz60z/a_man_and_a_woman_were_in_bed_getting_ready_to/
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Does anyone know?

If we can shower yet, or just keep washing our hands?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz0ce/does_anyone_know/
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A black man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender says oh thats cool, where did you get him?
Then the parrot responds and says africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fryu0v/a_black_man_walked_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on/
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Is it better to write on a full stomach or an empty one?

It is better to write on paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frynhp/is_it_better_to_write_on_a_full_stomach_or_an/
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Yesterday I found bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil in my house

Now it's just Olive Oil

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fryfh1/yesterday_i_found_bottle_of_extra_virgin_olive/
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My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.

Wife: Where do you think you're going?
Me: I got a gig.
Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled?
Me: I got a new one.
Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined?
Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing  my viola to get everyone to run inside and shut their windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxzdv/my_wife_stopped_me_on_the_way_out_the_door_with/
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Finding Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxfqr/finding_jesus/
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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I wore the wrong sock today

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxem5/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
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My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation.

That's a big stretch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx8dp/my_yoga_teacher_said_that_downward_dog_will_take/
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Good ole little Johnny was sitting in class

The teacher drew a line with three birds on it up on the blackboard.
"Ok, class, there are three birds on a wire, if one of the birds falls off, how many birds are left?"
As she erases one of the birds on the blackboard, little Susie in the front row raises her hand and answers, "There are two birds left."
"Very good Susie, that's right, there are two birds left." Susie smiles.
Little Johnny is watching this from the back of the class, clearly bothered. "No, no, no..." he says as he raises his hand.
With sigh of resignation, the teacher asks, "Ok, Johnny, what is it?"
Johnny begins, "Well, for starters, birds don't fall off of wires..."
"Ok..." the teacher starts when Johnny forges ahead.
"If it fell off, then it was probably shot, and if it was shot then the other birds would have flown away."
"So the correct answer is zero birds." he finishes.
The teacher replies, "Well Johnny, that makes a lot of sense, I like the way you think!"
Johnny continues, "Ok, now I've got one for you: there are three women in an ice cream parlor. One is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and one has the whole cone shoved in her mouth!"
With a sly look, Johnny asks, "How can you tell which one is married?"
With an even louder sigh than the first, the teacher responds, "I don't know Johnny... the one with the cone shoved in her mouth?"
Johnny smiles and replies, "No. The one with a ring on her finger... but I like the way *you* think!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx6l3/good_ole_little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class/
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Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx6iz/who_is_the_leader_of_international_public_health/
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What is another word for necrophiliacs

Ghost Buster

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx33l/what_is_another_word_for_necrophiliacs/
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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

A mourning wood
(I am not sorry if this has been posted before)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frwqzz/what_do_you_call_a_boner_at_a_funeral/
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My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...........

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frwmiw/my_neighbour_owes_me_500_and_he_wont_pay_up/
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I was trying to make up a joke social- distancing...

But this was as close as I could get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frw3d6/i_was_trying_to_make_up_a_joke_social_distancing/
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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I don't know man, depends on what you ordered first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frw0pv/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
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A Russian and an American get into an Argument

A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the  American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him
The Russian replies with the fact that he can too, without any consequences, can walk up to the Red Square and talk shit about the american president

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvvdu/a_russian_and_an_american_get_into_an_argument/
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Two plus sized woman walk into a bar

At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvqc8/two_plus_sized_woman_walk_into_a_bar/
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I was at the bank and this young woman in front of me was depositing a massive bag of dollar bills. The teller asked "Did you hoard all these dollars by yourself?"

"No", she replied, "My sister whored half of them!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvoac/i_was_at_the_bank_and_this_young_woman_in_front/
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A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground

and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids room as well.
Kid: It's really dark in here.
Boyfriend: Yes it is.
Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it.
Boyfriend: what has that got to do with me?
Kid: Okay, then I think I gotta go talk to my dad about some serious stuff.
Boyfriend: Wait! Okay tell me how much do you want for your stuff.
Kid: Just take my bat for 200$ and I will keep my mouth shut.
Boyfriend hands over the money to the kid and leaves safely after the husband goes out for grocery shopping.
3 days after the incident, the kid decides to high in the wardrobe of his parent's room only to confirm whether this was a one time thing or not.
He hears the boyfriend coming up with his mother again and right in front of him they start going at it. Bad luck strikes again as the husband arrives home early, the boyfriend goes and hides in the wardrobe.
Kid: It's really dark in here.
Boyfriend: Yes it is.
Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it.
Boyfriend: Alright what will I have to buy this time?
Kid: The remaining equipment for just a 1000 bucks, and I swear I have nothing to sell anymore.
Boyfriend flips out and speaks lightly: you crazy that's too much money for a kid and blackmailing is a really bad thing to do.
Kid: So is sleeping with a married woman. well, if you don't want to go ahead me and my father got some talking to do, so excuse me.
Boyfriend agrees again, pays the money and leaves safely after the husband goes to the washroom.
next Sunday, the father calls his son and asks to play some ball with him, caught in a predicament the kid confesses to selling of his equipment for massive amount of money. His father says to him that he has to seek forgiveness and learn to be a disciplined and better person, so he shall take him to Church to mend his ways.
The next day around 4:30 in the morning, his father takes him to the dimly lit Church and as they go near the first row of seats,
Kid say: It's really dark in here.
Priest : Okay, wtf you promised you had nothing to sell anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvjem/a_12_year_old_boy_comes_home_early_from_the/
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A man goes to the doctor for his annual physical.

The doctor tells him “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“What for?!” Exclaims the man, confused and upset with the news.
The doctor, very annoyed with his patient replies “Because I’m trying to give you a physical.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvbbz/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_his_annual_physical/
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Whats the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frv0e2/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
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A man doesn't walk into a bar... no.... no you wouldn't get it

It's an inn joke

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fruttp/a_man_doesnt_walk_into_a_bar_no_no_you_wouldnt/
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Yesterday, I met a prostitute with a 150 IQ.

She was a fucking genius.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fruqae/yesterday_i_met_a_prostitute_with_a_150_iq/
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Why was Hitler grumpy at breakfast?

Because he didn't like the juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frupha/why_was_hitler_grumpy_at_breakfast/
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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fru4w1/a_13_year_old_boy_has_difficulty_with_mathematics/
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Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19

. She called the number and her own phone rang.
Husband is now in isolation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtqiu/wife_was_checking_her_husbands_phone_and_saw_a/
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A joke my cousin told me when we were 8

There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:
-Where do you used to work at?
-Oh, I was a monster hunter.
-But monsters don't exist!
-You're welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtp14/a_joke_my_cousin_told_me_when_we_were_8/
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A Buddhist monk leaves his monastery after 10 years

His fellow monks beg him not to leave, but he firmly tells them that he is leaving to begin spreading his new form of Buddhism. After a few months, the leader of the monastery happens to bump into him, and tries to convince him to come back. The monk, again, firmly says that he has already begun spreading his new form of Buddhism. He calls it Nao Buddhism, and he already has dozens of followers.
"But your old form of Buddhism is followed by far far more! What was wrong with that form?”
The monk replies, "well, that was Zen, and this is Nao"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtf4s/a_buddhist_monk_leaves_his_monastery_after_10/
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Bored from the quarantine I started browsing Craigslist

I found a radio on sale for 99¢, the only catch was that the volume knob was stuck on the highest level.
I thought to myself “can’t turn that down!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtd3y/bored_from_the_quarantine_i_started_browsing/
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Elephant junk

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question. The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtbob/elephant_junk/
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What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur?

A pte>!REDACTED!<yl.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frt5wp/what_is_secret_agents_favorite_dinosaur/
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How do you know when your hooker is dead?

When you plug it in and she doesn't charge.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsqjz/how_do_you_know_when_your_hooker_is_dead/
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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high alert for the criminal. The police didn't know who this criminal was, but they had a few clues: he spoke spanish, a language not well known throughout the city, and he also had a knack for disguises and false identities, which meant he could be anyone, and the police has not been stopping to figure out who he is.
"But, fortunately, we managed to get his identity, and we caught the damn bastard last night!" the police interrogator exclaimed in the interrogation room, infront of the criminal. "*Un*fortunately, he's already managed to steal the money, and has hidden it somewhere safe, and I want him to tell me where that is. Except I don't speak spanish, and nor does anyone in this damn building, so that's why we need YOU, the translator," he points to the other man in the room, "to get him to tell us where he hid it. Let's start."
The interrogator spoke first. "Ask him, where does he keep the money?"
The translator asked the criminal, and he spoke back in unfamiliar words. "He says he will not tell," said the translator.
The interrogator said, "Tell him to speak up, or we will put him to death sentence for his crimes."
The translator spoke accordingly, and the criminal seemed so visibly frightened by this, that he immediately told him its location. "By the old graveyard, under the second tree from the entrance! There's the money bags!" he said in Spanish.
Trying to keep a grin, the translator decievingly told the interrogator that "he would rather die, than tell you where he has hidden it." Then the interrogator knew.
Suddenly, both the interrogator and the 'criminal' took a handgun out and pointed it at the translator. The interrogator said, in perfect spanish, "Skilled robber my ass, all it took was a clever lie!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsog2/a_skilled_anonymous_criminal_was_infamously/
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Little Johnny gets under the teachers skirt.

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsk0y/little_johnny_gets_under_the_teachers_skirt/
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I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident.

It was a real bonding experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsas1/i_first_met_my_nowwife_during_an_internship_in_a/
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What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYEEEEEE

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frs44t/what_is_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/
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I got fired from the calendar factory.

They were really strict about employee taking a day off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrn2c/i_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
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(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.
Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."
Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."
Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake food halfway across the toy room*
Me - "Wow good throw, you threw that pretty far back in the field, nice job"
Daughter - "Yeah, I still didn't throw them as far back as your hairlines"
*WTF...*
Someone has been coaching here on that punchline, and I think it's my wife. Hope you all have a good laugh at my expense, have a good day.
P.S. It still hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrmsf/reallife_joke_my_5yearold_daughter_and_i_were/
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King jong-un tested positive for virus

He killed everyone else to prevent the spread
He is a man of social commitment you know!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrj6m/king_jongun_tested_positive_for_virus/
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One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow

And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.
So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot.
The bear angrily grabbed the little bunny, pinned him to the ground, pulled out his quite large member and started beating his back with it.
The rabbit screamed, cried, squealed... And then started laughing.
The bear asked "What's so funny?"
and the rabbit replied "I just saw the hedgehog bringing you an apple!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrij7/one_day_a_bear_has_announced_in_the_woods_that/
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In America, anyone can become President.

That's the problem.
*^lovingly ^stolen ^from ^George ^Carlin.*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frra1j/in_america_anyone_can_become_president/
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A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar, says I'll have a gin and...
...
...
...
...
tonic.
Bartender says "Sure, but why the huge pause?"
"These?" The bear says. "I was born with'em!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frr7ef/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
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An computer inventor starts talking to his friend.

“I’ve almost made a human-like robot!” He says.
“You mean it can think?” His friend replies.
“No, but when it fails, it puts the blame on the back of another computer.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frr285/an_computer_inventor_starts_talking_to_his_friend/
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This ones from my late grandma.

How do you make a hormone?
Forget to pay her!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqxsk/this_ones_from_my_late_grandma/
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I have this awful affliction where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

I think it’s terminal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqt21/i_have_this_awful_affliction_where_i_cant_stop/
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‌‌I p‌‌roposed t‌‌o m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife t‌‌oday

She s‌‌aid n‌‌o, s‌‌he t‌‌hinks I‌‌'m j‌‌ust a‌‌fter m‌‌y m‌‌oney.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqrf9/i_proposed_to_my_exwife_today/
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks:

'Dad, what's Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room
and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqny2/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks/
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A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking.

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”
The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”
The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”
The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqjmf/a_rabbi_a_hindu_priest_and_a_politician_went/
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A young woman gets her first job at the Tickle-me Elmo factory.

The boss takes her up to the office that overlooks the assembly line and tells her what her job is. Then he sends her down. About an hour later the line leader comes up to the office and says, “Boss you gotta get this new girl off my line. She’s killing production.”
The boss looks down out of his office and sees the girl. The line is backed up terribly. Every time a tickle-me Elmo gets to her she takes a leather pouch and places 2 marbles in it and attempts to sew it between the Elmo’s legs.
The boss laughs and tells the line leader to bring the girl up. When the girl gets there she starts frantically apologizing and saying she’ll try harder. The boss stops her and says “I think you misunderstood me. I told you when an Elmo gets to you on the line to pick it up and give it 2 test tickles.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqazl/a_young_woman_gets_her_first_job_at_the_tickleme/
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You can't breathe through your nose when you're smiling

Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frq0nk/you_cant_breathe_through_your_nose_when_youre/
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A police officer stopped a car for speeding

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’
The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up?
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’
The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpue7/a_police_officer_stopped_a_car_for_speeding/
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What did the nurse say when she pulled rectal thermometer out of her pocket?

“Which one of you assholes took my pen?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpqk0/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_pulled_rectal/
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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpp8s/a_young_teenage_girl_was_making_a_living_as_a/
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Light travels faster than sound

. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpnjq/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
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My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about

I still wish she hadn't got one

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frp5hj/my_girlfriend_keeps_saying_that_a_small_dick_is/
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Possibly the funniest clean joke of all time.

This guy owns a circus, see? And one day he's in there, checking out the big top, and this scrawny little guy walks in the door. He walks over to the boss, and he says "Are you the boss here?"
Guy says "Yeah. What do you want?"
He says "I'd like to join the circus. I got an act."
The guy says "Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is."
So this little guy goes over to the center pole, and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top.
And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath, and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms.
And he starts flying! And he flies all around
the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes.
Then he gets all the way up, and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground, flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And he says "Well, what do ya think?"
The boss says "That's all you do? Bird imitations?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frovm2/possibly_the_funniest_clean_joke_of_all_time/
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Third time is the charm.

A grocery store opened early for senior citizens. A long, orderly line began to form. Suddenly a young man tried to cut in line and was subsequently beaten by an old woman with a cane and chased back to his car. A few minutes later the young man tried it again only this time he was punched in the stomach by an old man and he ran away. The third time the young man walked up and yelled, "If you old people don't let me unlock the door, none of us are getting in!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frogkc/third_time_is_the_charm/
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Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

because you should ***never turn your back on family.***

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/froaar/why_is_reverse_cowgirl_illegal_in_alabama/
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A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.

Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now it's your turn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro9nb/a_boob_a_vagina_and_an_asshole_are_debating_as_to/
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I Just read a book on Stockholm syndrome

I didn't like it at first, but towards the end I loved it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro9m7/i_just_read_a_book_on_stockholm_syndrome/
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Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown?

He had no common scents

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro72w/why_did_the_exotic_perfume_salesman_continue/
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I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro28s/i_took_my_8year_old_girl_to_the_office_with_me_on/
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Little known fact: Jesus was a street sweeper.

Yeah, Jesus swept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frnxiw/little_known_fact_jesus_was_a_street_sweeper/
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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frnqjk/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_buddhist_monk_walk_into_a/
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frng0n/a_man_enters_a_barbershop_for_a_shave_while_the/
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Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days

The lion starts hunting the two men. The men sprint as fast as they can until of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He turns to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Overjoyed to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads toward the lion. As he nears closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frn6kl/two_men_are_touring_through_a_game_park_when_they/
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What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frn17a/what_unit_does_a_graduated_cylinder_measure_in/
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You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times New Ramen!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmw51/youve_heard_of_alphabet_soup_now_get_ready_for/
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmryu/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
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Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Viagra?

I heard they couldn't close the casket

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmrbd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_overdosed_on_viagra/
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People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously

My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmm66/people_are_taking_stay_at_home_quite_seriously/
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I told my family a Coronavirus joke...

...my grandparents were the only ones who got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmkfb/i_told_my_family_a_coronavirus_joke/
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There are 5 flies in a kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?

It's the one on the range.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmjsd/there_are_5_flies_in_a_kitchen_which_one_is_the/
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I gave my wife a dart and a world map, told her "Throw the dart! We will vacation there once the pandemic ends!"...

Turns out we are going to be spending time in the hospital.
Also my cock hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmjfd/i_gave_my_wife_a_dart_and_a_world_map_told_her/
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If God’s first couple were Chinese...

If God’s first couple were Chinese we would still be in paradise and not committed the first sin.
They would have eaten the snake and ignored the apple....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmidy/if_gods_first_couple_were_chinese/
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A billionaire wants to go on vacation somewhere off the beaten path.

So he consults with his travel agency and eventually decides to go to the Shetland islands. He excitedly packs his bags, ready for some rich adventure.
However, he soon finds himself shacked up in a log cabin with no electricity or plumbing, and its raining non-stop. After three days of eating rations and trying to keep the fire going, he finally hears a ***THUD THUD THUD***  at the door.
He opens the door to find a 6'7" Shetlander standing on his porch.
"Can I help you?"
"Aye boyo. Yer that American in town."
"Yes, I'm on vacation, and honestly you're the first living soul I've seen since I got here!"
"Well boyo, we're havin a Shetland party. You comin?"
"Sure! What's a Shetland party?"
"All ya need ta know is there'll be a lot o' drinkin, a lot o' fightin, and a lot o' makin love."
"Hey sounds great, count me in! What should I wear?"
"Don't matter much boyo, its only gonna be you and me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm7uf/a_billionaire_wants_to_go_on_vacation_somewhere/
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.
“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says.
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm5ox/a_girl_asks_her_boyfriend_to_come_over_friday/
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What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink?

Immortali-Tea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm5dp/what_type_of_tea_does_queen_elizabeth_love_to/
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So drunk he can't stand up

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
---------
**EDIT** - Read the sidebar if you don't like the joke! Glad I could make most of you have a laugh :)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm4it/so_drunk_he_cant_stand_up/
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Why will space be a popular tourist spot?

The view is breathtaking and will leave you speechless
Only science geeks will understand

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm2nl/why_will_space_be_a_popular_tourist_spot/
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What did O and P said to Q and R?

zip your pants

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm2bk/what_did_o_and_p_said_to_q_and_r/
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I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm0ap/i_saw_a_wonderful_lady_on_the_opposite_side_of/
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I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlzff/i_was_kidnapped_by_mimes/
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Paintball is a very violent sport

It involves a lot of dyeing

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frly0a/paintball_is_a_very_violent_sport/
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I made a belt out of watches once

It was a waist of time

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlwry/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches_once/
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2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlt97/2_germans_in_a_bar_in_london/
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Crap

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father  invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence.
"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed.
Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the couch!"
Happily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly.
Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE CRAPS ON YOU!!!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlm0y/crap/
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Do you know about the World Health Organization?

Me : WHO?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frllq5/do_you_know_about_the_world_health_organization/
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Hello Darkness, my old friend...

OWW!! Fucking coffee table! God Dammit!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frli86/hello_darkness_my_old_friend/
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Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road...

As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and hesitantly pulls up her shirt and waves at them.
The two workers are getting all excited and see if they can take it further. They start yelling across the street for her to completely strip for them. Once again, she looks around and hesitantly gets completely naked on the side of the road and blows them a kiss!
At this point, the two workers are jumping up and down and giving each other high fives. All of a sudden, the female looks at them and yells, “Your Turn!”
The two construction workers are getting nervous and one turns to the other and says, “Show her ur nuts, show her ur nuts!!”
So the worker nods his head and starts flailing his arms and yelling “Lahanalahailaoalhiao”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlhz2/two_construction_workers_were_eating_lunch_on_a/
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What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlhl2/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
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A guy is sitting in the doctor’s office, when the doctor walks in..

“I have some bad news, you’re gonna have to stop jerking off” said the doctor. “I don’t understand doc, why?” Asked the patient. “Because I’m trying to continue the prostate exam!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frle3t/a_guy_is_sitting_in_the_doctors_office_when_the/
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My dick was in the Guinness book of World Records

Until the librarian saw me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frldu1/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
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Apparently one of the side effects of coronavirus is no taste...

Thoughts go out to all the Nickelback fans out there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frl2t2/apparently_one_of_the_side_effects_of_coronavirus/
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I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had

He started to count but he fell asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frl1gg/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
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You know your dad is drunk when

He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms
He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm
The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles
When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal
When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal
His dance moves suddenly triple in number

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frkukv/you_know_your_dad_is_drunk_when/
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Never ask a skunk for their opinion.

You might get their 2 scents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frkaxp/never_ask_a_skunk_for_their_opinion/
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I like my women how I like my coffee

with my dick in it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frk4ok/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
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I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump

It's not Tru, deau.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frk40i/i_told_my_friend_that_the_current_prime_minister/
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I was trying to make an unemployment joke

But none of them work

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjs1o/i_was_trying_to_make_an_unemployment_joke/
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Why don't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjqxv/why_dont_orphans_play_baseball/
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is quite heavy
The other is a little lighter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjosf/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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The wife's leaving me because of my sexual fetishes

I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjeyz/the_wifes_leaving_me_because_of_my_sexual_fetishes/
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What is a kidnappers favorite shoe

White vans

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frj4uk/what_is_a_kidnappers_favorite_shoe/
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Lifesavers, get a hole lot more outta life

A teacher gave each of her students a packet of Lifesavers candy and had them all identify the flavours by colour.
Red = cherry
Yellow = lemon
Green = lime
Orange = orange
Finally, all the class were stuck on the last lifesaver flavour, the translucent Honey flavoured lifesaver.
The teacher said “I’ll give you a hint about the flavour. it’s something your Mother may sometimes call your Father”
After a few moments, one little girl spat her lifesaver out in disgust and yelled OH MY GOD THEY’RE ASSHOLES!!
The teacher had to leave the room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frj3rq/lifesavers_get_a_hole_lot_more_outta_life/
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Guess who just woke up to 30 missed calls from their Ex

My Ex

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frivnk/guess_who_just_woke_up_to_30_missed_calls_from/
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You’re about to drive with your mother and your wife. Who sits in the back?

You do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/friign/youre_about_to_drive_with_your_mother_and_your/
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With the new coronavirus outbreak Worldwide, the only people who can get closer than 6 feet to us are the police

So we have to tell them "Don't Stand So Close to Me."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri9ca/with_the_new_coronavirus_outbreak_worldwide_the/
%
A new inmate meets his cellmate and is asked, "Do you want to be momma... or do you want to be daddy?"

The new inmate was hesitant before nervously answering, "Daddy?"
His cellmate says, "Alright, well get over here and suck momma's dick."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri67b/a_new_inmate_meets_his_cellmate_and_is_asked_do/
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What do you call a 19 year old guy that likes to date old women?

Covid, cause he's 19 and takes older people to bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri5yn/what_do_you_call_a_19_year_old_guy_that_likes_to/
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Car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri3yp/car_accident/
%
Why can’t Chinese people play cricket?

Because they would eat the bat!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri0gg/why_cant_chinese_people_play_cricket/
%
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhtl7/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
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My friend who lives in Michigan just had his toilet stolen.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhskn/my_friend_who_lives_in_michigan_just_had_his/
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Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie?

She went to see "Closed For The Winter".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhjpj/hear_about_the_blonde_who_froze_to_death_at_the/
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My girlfriend tried to cut off my penis but missed

She'll be charged with a missed da Weiner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhbq4/my_girlfriend_tried_to_cut_off_my_penis_but_missed/
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What was the rallying cry of the trio of rotting leaves?

d'three of us matter!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhait/what_was_the_rallying_cry_of_the_trio_of_rotting/
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What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh9tx/what_did_the_villain_say_when_he_got_his_legs/
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With all the bars closed, how horribly ironic is it that Joe Diffie died?

We can't even prop him up beside the juke box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh88h/with_all_the_bars_closed_how_horribly_ironic_is/
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The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh3j9/the_lead_singer_of_disturbed_has_decided_hes_not/
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Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home.

They're in karentine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgqu3/essential_retail_workers_still_have_to_deal_with/
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What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic?

Mask-ara

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgjy9/what_kind_of_make_up_should_you_wear_during_a/
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This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia)

Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would taste it and settle this once an for all so they flipped a coin and patient one (who argued it was honey) got on his knees to taste this odd thing so he stuck out his tongue and licked it and to his shock found out this was not honey and it was indeed shit he then looked up to patient one with relief and said "Good thing we didn't step on it".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgje0/this_is_a_translated_joke_form_my_country_ethiopia/
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My dad really cares about me

He has been practicing social distancing for 20 years now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgiv9/my_dad_really_cares_about_me/
%
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”

He responded, “can’t complain.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgc9j/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_whats_it_like_to/
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Mom, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes we arson.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgbj8/mom_are_we_pyromaniacs/
%
What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class

Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg69k/what_did_the_australian_teacher_say_to_his/
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Did you here about the new movie coming out about the corona virus?

It’s directed by Tentin Quarantino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg4z6/did_you_here_about_the_new_movie_coming_out_about/
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Someday the world will end...

Maybe not today,
Maybe not tomorrow,
Probably Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg2k6/someday_the_world_will_end/
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Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines...

Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines.
Trump: "Our submarines are the best! They can stay under water for 4 months without the need to refuel!"
Putin: "Pah! That's nothing! Our submarines can stay under water for 1 year without the need to refuel!"
Just when Merkel wants to say something, bubbles suddenly start appearing in the water and a submarine appears. The hatch opens and a man appears, saying: "Heil Hitler! Where can I get some fuel?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frfyzz/trump_putin_and_merkel_were_standing_at_the_north/
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A recently divorced man...

A recently divorced man, feeling a bit down in the dumps, heads to his local bar. After about 15 minutes, a beautiful woman sits down next to him and strikes up a conversation. They’re getting along great, talking away, when the woman confides to him that her husband divorced her because he thought she was too kinky. The man brightens up and says “what a coincidence-my wife divorced ME because she thought I was too kinky”. Well, one thing leads to another and they decide to go to her place. They get there and she tells him “have a seat on the couch and I’ll slip into something more comfortable”. She goes into the bedroom and starts to change and pulls out all the stops: Bullet bra, bustier, high heels, riding crop, etc. As she comes back into the living room she sees the guy heading out the door. She says “hey-where are you going?” The guy says well…..I’ve already fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m outta here!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frfila/a_recently_divorced_man/
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three statisticians walk into a bar and the barman asks do you all want a beer?

the first says I don’t know.
the second says I don’t know.
the third says yes please.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frficp/three_statisticians_walk_into_a_bar_and_the/
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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender says: “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says: “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.”
Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says: “I just saw you walk in here, you can’t be blind!”
So, to the bartenders dismay, he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frf444/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/
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A man crossing London Bridge sees a pretty woman struggling to keep her mini skirt down in the wind so he says : A bit airy isn't it?

She replied: What the ell you expect feathers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/freusl/a_man_crossing_london_bridge_sees_a_pretty_woman/
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What Do You Call A Cheap Circumcision?

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
...A rip-off...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/freu2b/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
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My wife said she wanted me to have a threesome with her and another guy however she wanted me to get to know the other fellla first

It was a mandate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frehwl/my_wife_said_she_wanted_me_to_have_a_threesome/
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Chickens lay eggs, but who lays the chickens?

The rooster of course!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fregd3/chickens_lay_eggs_but_who_lays_the_chickens/
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What was the name of the pirate that loved pissing on people?

Aaaarghh Kelly

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fre4tq/what_was_the_name_of_the_pirate_that_loved/
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I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him

That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fre49v/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_for_exercise/
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A classic Canadian Joke.

A Mainlander is driving down the highway and runs over a rabbit. Wondering what noise was, he stops his car and gets out to look. While he's standing there a newfie pulls up and asks him what's going on.
The mainlander says, "I'm just here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your animals."
The newfie takes a look at the rabbit and says,
"No problem, by’s. Hang'er down a few."
The newfie then goes to his truck and gets an aerosol spray-can, which he proceeds to empty onto the rabbit. When he's done he chucks the empty and says, "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay" then gets in his truck and takes off.
The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, and finally disappears into the woods.
The Mainlander is blown away. Wondering what the newfie did, he grabs the can out of the ditch and reads the label, which says: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdqly/a_classic_canadian_joke/
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Going to the grocery store in 2020 be as risky as raw dogging in 1985

At least back then you got laid

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdn8k/going_to_the_grocery_store_in_2020_be_as_risky_as/
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A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.

Girl: Gross
German guy: Thanks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdfft/a_german_guy_was_peeing_on_a_wall_in_public_a/
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I don’t always go the extra mile...

But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdeo3/i_dont_always_go_the_extra_mile/
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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."
The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.
Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an Y-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.
"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Yale graduate, he insists on wearing his Yale shirt when we have sex."
The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.
Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an W-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.
"Let me guess," said the doctor, "your dating a Washington graduate?" "No, she's a Michigan graduate."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd68x/a_woman_walks_into_a_doctors_office_and_takes_off/
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Area 51 Gaurds V.S. Wife

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret  base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the  Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna  landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft  and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was  that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he  was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI  background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the  investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was  lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a  terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of  spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way  on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the  same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…  only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped  out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane  and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd5jg/area_51_gaurds_vs_wife/
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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesnt matter what you call him, he isn't coming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd5ix/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
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If a group of bunnies is called a fluffle, and a group of crows are considered a murder

Then a group of humans right now can be considered illegal

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd4xq/if_a_group_of_bunnies_is_called_a_fluffle_and_a/
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The boredom of self isolation. Day (9)

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?
If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frczcm/the_boredom_of_self_isolation_day_9/
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What do you call Dracula when he doesn't know what to say next?

An Umpire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcxxy/what_do_you_call_dracula_when_he_doesnt_know_what/
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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcome/the_other_day_i_walked_in_on_my_grandmother/
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Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the
plane starts to move, the passengers are
uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it
Stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets
Smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing
towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the
plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second.
All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a
bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot
and says : "You know what? One day they're
going to scream too late, and we're all going to
die."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcgpd/two_blind_pilots_enter_a_plane/
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I told my boss I needed a raise, and that I had three companies after me.

“Three companies?!”
“Oh yeah.”
“All right, fine, here’s your raise. By the way, which three companies?”
“Gas, Water, and Electric.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frc1jf/i_told_my_boss_i_needed_a_raise_and_that_i_had/
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I lived in a flat with three girls

Until they found out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frc1fj/i_lived_in_a_flat_with_three_girls/
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My whole body is changing during lockdown

The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbyam/my_whole_body_is_changing_during_lockdown/
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This cowboy walks into a German car showroom,

And he says "Audi!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbx0r/this_cowboy_walks_into_a_german_car_showroom/
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How much fun can you have with communism?

Ours of fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbv8a/how_much_fun_can_you_have_with_communism/
%
Why do rich people like golf?

It’s not very taxing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbsht/why_do_rich_people_like_golf/
%
What do you call a genetically engineered cow?

A Mootant

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbp5l/what_do_you_call_a_genetically_engineered_cow/
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What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbkgo/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
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Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbjn4/everyone_is_debated_capital_punishment_nowadays/
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A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral...

...were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says “ That gentleman is courage"
The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says “ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says “ That gentleman is courage"
The British admiral says “ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says “You can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says “ And that gentleman is courage"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frb9ig/a_russian_an_ameican_and_a_british_admiral/
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Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer

For good clean fun

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frb8tv/man_with_toilet_paper_seeks_woman_with_hand/
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I told a joke about Corona to my friends

nobody laughed but they all got it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frapq9/i_told_a_joke_about_corona_to_my_friends/
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I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frady9/i_noticed_my_vacuum_is_cleaning_less_of_the_house/
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My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan.   - Stanley G. Kapuscinski
To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fra3rr/my_father_passed_this_morning_in_his_honor_i/
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What do you call a woman who is feeling snuggly after sex?

a cab

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9zxw/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_is_feeling_snuggly/
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What is the most powerful word in English?

Yawn

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9y42/what_is_the_most_powerful_word_in_english/
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Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne?

I haven’t seen him in a while.
I miss Dwayne... down in Africa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9e39/did_i_tell_you_about_my_friend_in_africa_named/
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Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary.

And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9c3b/never_ever_ask_a_woman_her_age_a_man_his_salary/
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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, youll do anything id like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9bv5/a_shipwreck_only_scarlett_johansson_and_some/
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The pope's traffic stop

The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You sit back here. Help yourself to the minibar."
So the pope is doing about 85, and sure enough, the blue lights flash. The state trooper says, "Your Holiness, do you know why I pulled you over?" And the pope says, "Man, I ain't gonna try and bullshit you. I was probably doing a bit over the limit back there."
So the trooper takes the pope's registration back to his cruiser and radios his sergeant. "I got a situation here," he says.
"What, did you pull the mayor over again? I thought I warned you about that," the sergeant says. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that."
"Well, what, did you pull the governor over?" says the sergeant. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that.
"Holy moley, did you pull the President over?" says the sergeant. "No ... worse than that."
"What could possibly be worse than pulling over the President?" the sergeant demands. And the trooper says, "Well, I don't know. But he's got the pope for his driver."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9ajg/the_popes_traffic_stop/
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Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."
As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"
Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr933d/jungle_drums/
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The year is 2050

, health technologies have developed faster than ever, brain transplant is now possible and almost every hospital can conduct such surgery.
A man consults his physician to change into a better brain. The physician lists the brains the hospital offers and their corresponding price:
"Here is the brain of a person with a bachelor's degree in chemistry; the price is $25,000."
"Here is the brain of a person with a master's degree in biomedical science; the price is $50,000."
"Here is the brain of a feminist; the price is $1,000,000."
The man is surprised by how much the brain of a feminist costs, so he asks, "Why does the feminist's brain cost so much, is it because a feminist is a lot smarter than a person with a master's degree in biomedical science?"
The physician answers, "Hell no! Do you know how many feminists do we have to kill to put together a complete brain?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr8ty1/the_year_is_2050/
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Feeling a little quirky

When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber?"
I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr8pqa/feeling_a_little_quirky/
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

**Me:** I use bad words
**Interviewer: *[laughing]*:** that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
**Me:** well that’s extrusively harbilary to hear

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr88a6/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
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Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.
Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.
Time passed on and people continued to die. Every Friday at 11 PM, exactly the same time, always in the same bed... Some doctors started believing something supernatural had been happening.
They decided to form an expert group to determine what on earth was going on.
So on the next Friday, few minutes before 11 PM, many specialists and medical experts gathered around "the haunted bed". They even called alternative medicine practitioners. *"Who knows, maybe they can help solve the mystery."*
Some of them had crucifixes and Bibles, holy water, some of them brought Kurans, one even brought a garlic. They, of course, had medical textbooks as well.
When clock marked 11th hour, Rasema entered the room. She was the new cleaning lady. She was surprised to see all the people but she went on with her job. She wanted to show how hard working she was! She unplugged one of the life supporting machines to plug in the vacuum cleaner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr87zp/bosnian_xfiles/
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I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle

I bought a bottle of Vodka and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought it might fall off the bicycle and the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the vodka before I left the store.
It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr85fu/i_rode_to_the_liquor_store_yesterday_on_my_bicycle/
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[NSFW] Support Group

A guy went to his Premature Ejaculation Support Group meeting this morning.
Found out it’s tomorrow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr859g/nsfw_support_group/
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What is a thousand times better than Instagram?

Instakilogram
Your welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr835f/what_is_a_thousand_times_better_than_instagram/
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What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? –

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7xgm/whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/
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Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7tx7/doctor_madam_your_husband_needs_rest_and_peace_so/
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I got in touch with my inner self today

That's the last time I'll buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7ork/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
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My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7ejv/my_girlfriend_once_gave_up_sex_for_lent/
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Why do cows wear bells?

Cause their horns don’t work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7a3o/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
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I started having an affair with a married woman.

As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working.
Unfortunately, the husband came home early and caught the two of us in bed. The woman was absolutely terrified, and the husband was livid and looked ready to cause harm to the woman.
“What the hell are you doing here!?” he demanded to know.
“Please, the fault is all mine,” I explain, “I was the one that answered her ad in the newspaper.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr73tw/i_started_having_an_affair_with_a_married_woman/
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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead - with an even uglier woman.
When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead.
This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women.
The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr6vlp/a_newly_deceased_englishman_stands_at_the_pearly/
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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion, so the kings decided to go to war.
The first kingdom is very wealthy, and has a grand army of thousands of Knights in shining armour with state of the art squires and weaponry, expertly trained killing machines.
The second kingdom is moderately well off, and has several hundred Knights in standard armour with enough squires to get by, but all willing in heart and mind.
The third kingdom is very poor, and has only one elderly Knight with his great grandson for a squire, in rusty centuries old armour.
On the eve before the battle, each kingdom decides to have a celebration for the great deeds that are about to be done.
The first kingdom has a great banquet that no words can give justice to, a massive, endless hall of food and delight, dancers and jesters and bards as plentiful as the fine wine and boar that accompanies them.
The second kingdom has not nearly as grand an occasion, but makes the most of what they have, making up for the lack of fine food and entertainment with enough ale to knock out an elephant.
The third kingdom has but scraps to make do with. In fact, so little food do they have that there is only enough for the Knight and boy squire alone to have a feast (a feast by their standards, at least). The elderly Knight is too weak and tired to get up, so the squire prepares the meal. He decides to cook a stew, so hangs a pot over a fire with a noose and cooks what they have into a small broth.
Finally, the great day dawns. The kings did not sleep through the night, and sent their generals to ready their armies. The world sat on tenterhooks.
However, fate had taken a strange turn. The armies from the first and second kingdoms had drunk so much in their revels that not one remained conscious, much to the fury of their leaders. And in the third kingdom, the elderly Knight's back had perished due to old age. The kings were left speechless. There was only one option.
The squires must go to war.
So on the battlefield, a hundred thousand squires in tunics too big for them and wooden swords trampled the ground beneath them as they came to the edge. One gigantic behemoth of an army met the other small but willing force at the peak of the lake.
And the squire of the third kingdom faced them all.
The battle began. Heads were clubbed in, backs broken, knees twisted, hair pulled, and slowly the numbers remaining dwindled. As the hours swept by and the body piles grew high, the kings and their people watched in the greatest suspense the lake ever knew.
And as the sun set, and the dust cleared, finally, a single figure stood atop the mountain of bodies beneath him, victorious. The squire of the third kingdom had won.
This goes to show that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is greater than the sum of the squires of the other two sides of the triangle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr6klk/three_kingdoms_border_a_lake_in_the_shape_of_an/
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The Clever Old Man

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn't been there for a while,and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some food.
As he neared the pond,he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him"we are not coming out untill you leave!"
The old man frowned,"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."Holding up the bucket he said," I'm here to feed the alligator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr688o/the_clever_old_man/
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They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do?

Whine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5va2/they_name_a_virus_after_a_beer_and_what_do_we_do/
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What's the difference between a well-dressed person on a unicycle or a poorly-dressed person on a bicycle?

Attire

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5uop/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_person/
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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5p3g/why_was_han_solo_so_suspicious_when_he_put_his/
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What’s the difference between a Taliban camp and a Pakistani school?

I don’t actually know I just fly the drone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5m7e/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_camp_and_a/
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I like my women like I like my pandemics. [nsfw]

19 and spread wide.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5j0z/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_pandemics_nsfw/
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RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5fws/retired_husband_after_i_retired_my_wife_insisted/
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First day on the job.

Fresh out of journalism school, the rookie journalist bounds up to the editor hungry for a story to go after.
The editor says I'll give you an easy one for your first day. Go out into the community and bring me back a feel good human interest story. We need a bit of cheering up!
The reporter head out into the community and comes across a farmer at the the side of the road mending a fence.
Hello good sir! I'm a reporter looking for a story.
I was wondering if you could tell me a story that made you happy?
Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost a sheep. We got a posse, went out, found it, fucked it and brought it back.
What! I can't print that! Your talking bestiality here! The reporter exclaimed!
Do you have any other stories?
Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost his wife. We got a posse, went out, found  her fu...WAY! WAH! HOLD ON  WHAAAT?!! Hold on there if that's going where I think, I definitely can't print that says the reporter.
Exasperated the reporter finally asks, do you have any sad stories by any chance?
The old man stares thoughtfully for a bit and then replies;
One time, I got lost....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr587y/first_day_on_the_job/
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My gf was mad at me the other day for having no sense of direction

So i packed my stuff and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr53wo/my_gf_was_mad_at_me_the_other_day_for_having_no/
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What do you call a frenchmen wearing sandals?

Phillipe pheloppe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr537h/what_do_you_call_a_frenchmen_wearing_sandals/
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Donald Trump is having a meeting with his health advisors about the COVID-19 outbreak...

The lead advisor tells him "Mr president, more international people are testing positive in the United States every day. Today alone, 50 Brazilian people have confirmed cases."
"Oh my god, that's awful!", Trump replies, ".....how many is a brazillion?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr50w6/donald_trump_is_having_a_meeting_with_his_health/
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What do you call a girl wearing camouflage?

Heidi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4q9m/what_do_you_call_a_girl_wearing_camouflage/
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My first sexual experience was scary...

I was all alone!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4q10/my_first_sexual_experience_was_scary/
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Just saw a sheep fight a cow

Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4f7j/just_saw_a_sheep_fight_a_cow/
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Why did star wars 4-6 come before 1-3

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4e54/why_did_star_wars_46_come_before_13/
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Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed ten Communists...

...and then the grenade went off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr49n0/chuck_norris_once_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_ten/
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I just did something that took a lot of balls.

I used them as a Newton's cradle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr47j7/i_just_did_something_that_took_a_lot_of_balls/
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I walked into a pet store and asked for six bees

The cashier counted out seven and handed them to me.
I asked 'why the extra bee?'
She said it was free-bee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr41sb/i_walked_into_a_pet_store_and_asked_for_six_bees/
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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3wr5/most_people_have_homochromia_where_their_eyes_are/
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I just asked my wife to put a nurses outfit on

She said why? Are you feeling horny?
I said no, we need bread and milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3p1w/i_just_asked_my_wife_to_put_a_nurses_outfit_on/
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Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3cwr/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/
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So, three men, Jack, Bill, and Josh, go on a trip to a jungle...

They came across a tribe, and got trapped and taken in by them.
The tribesmen bring the three of them to their leader. Their leader tells them, "I want each of you to find me ten fruits-- any fruit, as long as it's the same kind. If you can do that, I will set you free. Do you accept?"
Of course, they all do. They set off.
Jack was the first to come back. He had oranges. He showed it to the leader, and the leader nodded.
"Now," the leader said, "I want you to put all of those up your ass-- and if you make a face, any face, we will behead you. If you can do so without making a face, we will let you go."
Jack did so. The first one was okay, he didn't make any face, but when he got to the second one, he winced, and the tribesmen beheaded him.
Jack watched Bill enter the room with the leader from the afterlife. Bill walked in with berries, and the leader told him the same thing. He did so, making it to nine, when suddenly, he burst out laughing. And of course, the tribesmen beheaded him.
In the afterlife, Jack shouted to Bill, who was still laughing, "what the hell, dude? You could've made it! Why'd you start laughing."
And in tears, Bill replied, "I saw Josh walk in with pineapples."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr39ac/so_three_men_jack_bill_and_josh_go_on_a_trip_to_a/
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So I started dating my high school girlfriend again.

It just felt right now that I've come out as gay, and she has transitioned into a guy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2or8/so_i_started_dating_my_high_school_girlfriend/
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It's hard to establish when this novel Coronavirus will be over.

We'd have preferred a short story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2me3/its_hard_to_establish_when_this_novel_coronavirus/
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Excerpts from the diary of pets

**Excerpts from the diary of a dog:**
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
**Excerpts from the diary of a cat:**
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2lv0/excerpts_from_the_diary_of_pets/
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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.
The news Broke out.
Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.
The Americans, also impressed ordered the robot. Under 3 hours after its deployment in NYC the robot caught nearly 100 thieves.
The Indians, already facing massive complaints of thievery and muggings, decided to give it a try.
After deploying the robot in Mumbai under 30 minutes the robot got stolen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2hpr/the_japanese_invented_a_thief_catching_robot/
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Three men arive at the gates of heaven

There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.
The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from work today and found my wife naked in bed she told me that she was waiting for me to come home but i didnt belive her i checked all the regular spots the closet behind the door but i couldnt find him. so i went out on the balcony to get some fresh air because this had been a stressfull day but as soon as i open the door i saw that motherfucker habging on the outside of the fence so obviusly i started hitting his hands but he wouldnt let go so i went innside and got a hammer i continued to hit him with that and eventualy he let go but he landed in a bush and survived so i went back inn draged the fridge out on the balcony and tiped it over the edge after that i died of a heart attack because of all the stress.
The gatekeeper agrees that this was a pretty horibke way to die and lets the first man in to heaven then he asks the second man how he died. The second man answers:
So every day i do some workout on my balcony but today i fell over the edge and started falling but i was fortunate enough to grab onto the balcony below mine so naturaly i started climbing up to try not to fall the remaining 17 floors but before i even start to climb a man comes out on the balcony and sees me hanging there he gets realy angry and starts hiting my hands but i managed to hold on then the madman walks inside and gets a hammer when he started  hiting my fingers with that i couldnt hold on anymore so i fell but landed in a bush and survived but the the lunetic went inside and got his fridge witch he dropt on me and i died
The gatekeeper agreed that this was a terrible way to die so he let him in to heaven. He askes the third guy how he died and the third guy answers
so imagine this: your totaly naked inside a fridge

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2hli/three_men_arive_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
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“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2gl8/mom_dont_get_alarmed_but_im_at_the_hospital/
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You shouldn't drink water while studying.

It decreases concentration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2gc8/you_shouldnt_drink_water_while_studying/
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What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you start opening windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2f08/what_does_an_air_conditioner_have_in_common_with/
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One guy, "Have you been on a trip recently?"

Another guy, "Yes, three in fact. Last month I fell over a sidewalk while really high in Barcelona."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr295o/one_guy_have_you_been_on_a_trip_recently/
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Why does Santa not have kids

Because he only comes once a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr28qx/why_does_santa_not_have_kids/
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Why can’t people in Antarctica get the corona virus?

Because they’re ice-olated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1xej/why_cant_people_in_antarctica_get_the_corona_virus/
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I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards.

I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1thj/im_stuck_in_quarantine_all_alone_with_a_deck_of/
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Does anyone know any good tree puns?

I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1fdv/does_anyone_know_any_good_tree_puns/
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have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom"

By Willie Maykit
Co-authored by Betty Wont
Illustrated by Andy Didnt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1266/have_you_read_the_book_a_long_way_from_the/
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What do you call a group of dogs having sex?

A Corgy!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0hvv/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_dogs_having_sex/
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How do you make a couple of pounds of fat look better?

Add nipples on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0fry/how_do_you_make_a_couple_of_pounds_of_fat_look/
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I’m not sure to be honest, but the flag is a big plus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0etp/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
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My dad must be taking this social distancing thing really seriously

I haven't seen him in 20 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0crq/my_dad_must_be_taking_this_social_distancing/
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It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:

I call it a marsh mellow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0am1/its_sweet_getting_stoned_in_a_swamp/
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What time is it when you see sixteen dogs running down the street?

Fifteen after one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0ai2/what_time_is_it_when_you_see_sixteen_dogs_running/
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The Corona Virus is like my virginity

My uncle has it.
(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr06dm/the_corona_virus_is_like_my_virginity/
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Why do 80% of Chinese people get cataracts?

Because the other 20% drive Rincoln’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr05pe/why_do_80_of_chinese_people_get_cataracts/
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People are selling off their automobiles in droves...

They don’t want to catch that car owner virus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzv8n/people_are_selling_off_their_automobiles_in_droves/
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What do you call a musician who carries grain for living?

Hall n' oates.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzs8q/what_do_you_call_a_musician_who_carries_grain_for/
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City slicker buys an old farm

There was a gentlemen from the city who decided he wanted to live a simpler life. He buys an old empty farm. Going to the local general store by his new homestead, he asks where he can get some animals. The owner tells him to go to Old Man Murphy’s farm down the road a ways and he will get him all set up with a few animals. Excited the man heads over to the farm. Upon meeting, Old Man Murphy says to the gentleman I can definitely tell you’re a city slicker- Don’t worry, in time you’ll settle in and be just like one of us. The gentleman than asks well, how about that little hen over there. Maybe I can purchase it from you. Surely that would be a great animal to start with. Old Man Murphy says sure, I’ll sell you that one. But, just so you know young hens are actually called pullets. The gentleman sees a donkey off to the side and says well, that looks like a great animal to have at my new farm they are actually called an ass, right? How about I buy him from you. Old Man Murphy says now you’re starting to sound like a farmer. Yes, I’ll sell him to you but, he’s kind of stubborn. Sometimes he just lays down and won’t move. If you scratch on his back a bit he will get right back up and moving. Lastly, the gentleman says well no farm would be complete without a rooster. How about that one right there. Old Man Murphy says sure but, just so you know a rooster is actually called a cock. The gentlemen says oh yeah that makes sense. He thanks Old Man Murphy and starts the walk back to his own farm holding the birds and leading the donkey. About halfway back to his farm the donkey lays down in the middle of the road when suddenly a shiny red sports car pulls up with a beautiful woman driving. A little aggravated that she can’t pass by because of the animal blocking her way. She scoffs at the gentleman. He looks at her and said I’ll get him out of the way in just minute ma’am but, I need a favor to make that happen. She hesitantly says ok. The gentleman says.... will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzqvl/city_slicker_buys_an_old_farm/
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What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzonb/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/
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My wife left me because I am insecure...

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzo60/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_insecure/
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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on...

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqznfz/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/
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I tell my wife, "I love you," but she keeps talking about this other man.

I don't know who this "Hugh Moore" is, but she always says she loves him instead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzj79/i_tell_my_wife_i_love_you_but_she_keeps_talking/
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A kid talking to his dad.

Son:  Hey dad, I had my first blow job last weekend.
Dad: That’s my boy, how was it?
Son: it was pretty good but I do have a question.
Dad: What’s that?
Son: How do you get the taste out of your mouth?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzgn9/a_kid_talking_to_his_dad/
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Helen Keller walked into a bar...

And a wall, and a chair, and a table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzcik/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
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Breaker, Breaker

There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley,  a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.
It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, and per usual Spencer and Sprinkles were in her way. After countless times of foot prints on her perfectly clean floors, Shirley broke down and sent Spencer and Sprinkles outside to occupy themselves.
It was about forty-five minuets later, and Shirley was dusting the blinds. As she's dusting she's sees Spencer and Sprinkles sitting on the curb in front of the house. She thought 'How cute'. As she watched, she saw Spencer throw some M&M's in the air catch them in his mouth, pick up Sprinkles lift Sprinkles tail up, and lick, He then proceeded to scoot one foot down the curb. Shirley couldn't believe what she saw.. She proceeded to watch him do it again; throw the M&M's up,  catch them in his mouth, pick the cat up, lift its tail, lick, and scoot down the curb a foot.
Shirley being very appalled ran outside. She asked Spencer with a tone only a confused mother could have " What in the holy hell are you doing?!?!"
Spencer replied "Well, Mama Im playing trucker. Poppin Pills, licking pussy, and moving down the road".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzcfs/breaker_breaker/
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Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time.

Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha.  I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."
Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted"
Ethel replied with a very whiny voice, "Uh, that's so unfair.  I've never been married and you have husbands to burn!".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzc0v/ethel_was_visiting_her_friend_martha_at_her_home/
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[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug

A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed.
The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.”
The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqz6ax/nsfw_squeeze_and_tug/
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What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
A drug dealer can’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqz03q/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
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Weight loss

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter. A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyya2/weight_loss/
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You either die a T. Rex

Or live long enough to become a chicken

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqypz3/you_either_die_a_t_rex/
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When my mom say her girlfriend she's talking about her best friend.

When my dad says his girlfriend everyone at the dinner table gets quite and my mom runs off crying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyjsk/when_my_mom_say_her_girlfriend_shes_talking_about/
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I was digging in my garden and i found buried treasure.

I thought to go tell my wife but then I remembered why I was digging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyied/i_was_digging_in_my_garden_and_i_found_buried/
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After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyfo3/after_the_covid19_pandemic_winds_down_we_should/
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Why can't pilots dress well?

Their clothes are too plane

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqye10/why_cant_pilots_dress_well/
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There are two types of people in the world.

1. those who can extrapolate from insufficient information.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqydrj/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
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A man with no arms and legs was sun bathing on the beach.

A beautiful blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.
“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.
Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.
“Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?”
“No.” He says.
She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss.
Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past.
“Oh you poor thing...Have you ever been fucked?”
“No.”
“Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqydm4/a_man_with_no_arms_and_legs_was_sun_bathing_on/
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Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness

Now it's a double aunt tundra

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyast/two_of_my_moms_sisters_moved_to_the_alaskan/
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I have a date with a girl who loves Nirvana. She asked me what to wear on our date next week.

I told her, "Come as you are."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqy6ed/i_have_a_date_with_a_girl_who_loves_nirvana_she/
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Corona virus

It's like pasta.
Made by the Chinese.
Spread by the Italians.
Made unreasonably large by the Americans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqy1pt/corona_virus/
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What is a language that has never been spoken?

Sign Language

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxyti/what_is_a_language_that_has_never_been_spoken/
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So there's a new strain of Coronavirus that effects Hipsters...

You probably haven't heard of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxqhh/so_theres_a_new_strain_of_coronavirus_that/
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The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right. The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

Netflix shouts to the statistician, "Your documentary is coming!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxil6/the_biologist_shoots_at_a_deer_and_misses_five/
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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxi1u/so_theres_this_farm_on_this_farm_theres_a_cow_a/
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.
Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.
"Watson... as you look up into the night sky, what do you deduce?"
Watson rubs his bleary eyes, unsure what to make of Sherlocks sudden midnight curiosity. He rolls over and stares up into the sky, which was lit up with a million stars like diamonds on black velvet.
Watson responds. "Well Holmes, as I stare into the cosmos, I can see that we are on a spinning ball in an infathomable expanse of nothing. The vast emptiness of space and scale of the universe leaves me feeling incredibly tiny, and therefore I deduce that our lives are small and insignificant in the greater scheme of things."
Holmes ponders this deep and insightful response for a moment. Rarely is Watson so articulate with his feelings.
He turns to Watson, and with a sigh, he says.
"Watson you blithering idiot.... Somebody has stolen our tent"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxd5b/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_go_camping/
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Why can’t dislexic people tell jokes?

Cause they punch up the fuckline

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqx14r/why_cant_dislexic_people_tell_jokes/
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What do sprinters eat before a race

Nothing they fast

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwxii/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
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A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwvkt/a_british_doctor_says_in_britain_medicine_is_so/
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What do strippers call girls that they work with ?

A co-twerker..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwqhs/what_do_strippers_call_girls_that_they_work_with/
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With the coronavirus, Scorpion is now saying...

"Stay over there!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwnui/with_the_coronavirus_scorpion_is_now_saying/
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My wife just got me a card that said “Get Better Soon”

I’m not sick at all. She just thinks I need to get better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqw768/my_wife_just_got_me_a_card_that_said_get_better/
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I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqw3lj/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
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A man walks into a bar

carrying a large chunk of concrete.
He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqvswb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
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Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqvhhz/someone_toilet_papered_my_house_last_night/
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Two blondes are in a dog park

One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"
The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv9uw/two_blondes_are_in_a_dog_park/
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Revenge of the blonde

A blonde got fed up with blonde jokes
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv5br/revenge_of_the_blonde/
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What's green on top, mostly orange, and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv4fp/whats_green_on_top_mostly_orange_and_sounds_like/
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A proud father

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fquyy5/a_proud_father/
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Two best friends make a deal.

The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died.
When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is heard.
"Bro, do you hear me?"
"Yes, I hear you." answer the man. "Are you in the afterlife? How is it like?"
"It's not bad. We start the day with light breakfast - vegetables. Then I have sex several hours straight. After this it comes a little lunch - veggies again, and then sex until the nightfall."
"And this is Heaven, or Hell?"
"Bro, I'm a rabbit!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqunhq/two_best_friends_make_a_deal/
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The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".
They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqufj0/the_boss_caught_an_employee_drinking_at_work/
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Being Muslim is tough

Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqubje/being_muslim_is_tough/
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Donald Trump is having afternoon tea with the Queen of England.

“Queenie” he says “from now on, I want to be called Emperor Donald J Trump.”
“Well, you can’t be an emperor Donald, I’m sorry” replies the Queen
“Well, there was this French guy - Napoleon - great guy, I think my Uncle knew him, very smart, and he was an emperor” replies the Don
The Queen has a sip of tea to suppress a giggle, before saying “Well that’s because he ruled an Empire”
“Ok, so he was an Emperor because he had an Empire?” Don asks slowly
“Yes”
“Ok, well I don’t have an empire yet...” replies Donald “so how about I am called a King?”
“Well Donald, you don’t have a Kingdom, so I can’t call you a King..”
At this point the Don is getting frustrated. “Queenie, this is ridiculous, if I don’t have an empire, and can’t be an emperor, and I don’t have a kingdom, and can’t be called a king, then what can I be called?”
The Queen pauses for a moment, take a look at Philip and then replies “Well, Donald, you are in charge of a country...”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtp0y/donald_trump_is_having_afternoon_tea_with_the/
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Why does the mineature jalepeño need to wear a sweater?

Because it's a little chilly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtnmq/why_does_the_mineature_jalepeño_need_to_wear_a/
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Why don’t the Chinese play cricket?

>!Because they would eat the bat!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtb1w/why_dont_the_chinese_play_cricket/
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My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy

I just don't see it myself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqt3g8/my_wife_claims_a_man_in_camouflage_is_sexy/
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Has anyone watched “The Platform” on netflix....?

I couldn’t finish it to be honest, it was disturbing on so many levels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqst8e/has_anyone_watched_the_platform_on_netflix/
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Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?

Because she's an on-call-ogist

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqspyd/why_does_my_cancer_doctor_let_me_phone_her_any/
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My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqsavs/my_son_luke_loves_that_we_named_our_children/
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Why can’t a blind Mexican say yes?

Because he can’t sí.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqsaig/why_cant_a_blind_mexican_say_yes/
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So I walked past a wired fence today

Somebody from behind shouted: "Be careful, it might be electrified! If you touch it, you will get the shock of a lifetime!"
I looked the person dead in the eye and without hesitation, I grabbed the fence to prove them wrong
My mother, who was walking next me then told me I was adopted

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqs68n/so_i_walked_past_a_wired_fence_today/
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What's the least spoken language?

Sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqs5qm/whats_the_least_spoken_language/
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Wife and husband talk about life if she died

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving," he says, "I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I guess so."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand-new. It's going to last a long time. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxeh/wife_and_husband_talk_about_life_if_she_died/
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I used to be addicted to soap.

But I'm clean now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxb2/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
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Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxaj/batman_walks_into_a_room_which_alfred_is_ìn_late/
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At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.
When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrp8s/at_the_movie_theater_a_man_noticed_a_young_woman/
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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrim9/us_president_donald_trump_tested_and_was_not/
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A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.
He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."
After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have it removed."
"What? I can't just let it be chopped off like that!" Unsatisfied with the doctor's response, the man left the hospital.
Later that week, the man decided to go to a traditional doctor who specialized in natural and herbal remedies. Hopefully they had some better solutions.
The man took off his pants once again. The traditional doctor smiled and said, "Don't worry, you don't need to have it cut off.  Hospitals just want to perform surgery every chance they get. Let me give you a prescription for some herbal medicine."
The man let out a big sign of relief. The doctor continued, "Apply these herbs to your nether regions 3 times a day for a week. It should fall off on its own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqricv/a_man_contracted_a_rare_std/
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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like shit."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrhz5/a_little_old_lady_went_to_buy_cat_food_she_picked/
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I got COVID-19 and it took 10 days for my immune system to finally fight it off.

Longest anything made in China's lasted for me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr85f/i_got_covid19_and_it_took_10_days_for_my_immune/
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I would tell you a Coronavirus joke

But it would take 2 weeks to find out if you get it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr2pb/i_would_tell_you_a_coronavirus_joke/
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Did you hear Lightning McQueen died?

He had a Cadillac arrest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr29z/did_you_hear_lightning_mcqueen_died/
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My sister had really loud shoes that sounded like a horse, so some family members started calling her that. I could see this was upsetting her.

"Guys, we have have to settle this," I said.
"If you think Jessica's a normal girl, say 'Aye,' but if you don't, say 'Neigh.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqzus/my_sister_had_really_loud_shoes_that_sounded_like/
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I just found out I'm colorblind.

The diagnosis was completely out of the purple.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqrx1/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
%
Two lesbian vampires have sex.

After the deed, one was leaving and said 'see you next month'.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqgq3/two_lesbian_vampires_have_sex/
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plot twist

a little girl was praying when her dad walked in. she said “good night grandma good night mom good night dad good bye grandpa”. the next day the grandpa drops dead. the dad decides to ignore what she says last night and continues on with his day. that night the dad walks in his daughters room praying again. she says “good night mom, good night dad, goodbye grandma”. the next day the grandma drops dead. the dad starts to get a little freaked and at night he hears his daughter praying again. she says “good night mom, good bye dad”. the dad I completely freaked out so when he goes to work that day he stays in his office. he is afraid of going home so he stays until closing. he comes home and his wife opens the door. she says “where have you been?” he says “I’ve had a rough day.” the wife says, “you’ve had a rough day? first of all in the morning the mailman drops dead in front of me.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqd68/plot_twist/
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Fun-eral

There were three men at a buddy's funeral. They were discussing what they wanted people to say when they died. The first man said, "I want people to say he was a very generous man. What about you". The second man said, "I want people to say he was a kind and loving soul". Then, the third man said, "I want people to say 'Hey look, he's moving!'".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqakg/funeral/
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Girl asked if I was big down there. I said that it’s not big or small, it’s a medium…

It can talk to ghosts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq8ou/girl_asked_if_i_was_big_down_there_i_said_that/
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Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine:

In one month divorce rates will spike.
In 9 months birth rates will spike.
In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq6ik/predictions_of_the_relationship_fallout_of/
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My girlfriend is like the coronavirus

I don't have the coronavirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq4hk/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_coronavirus/
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My girlfriend was just like a spicy burrito.

It hurt when she left me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqpftc/my_girlfriend_was_just_like_a_spicy_burrito/
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The story of an a blind alcaholic

A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a stool...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqoyuy/the_story_of_an_a_blind_alcaholic/
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Why did Jesus moan?

Because he was nailed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqoyko/why_did_jesus_moan/
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Since we have to stay home, I’m setting up my pavilion and projector outside tonight. Watching Pulp Fiction, followed by the Kill Bill movies.

It’s a Tent & Quarantino marathon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqotiy/since_we_have_to_stay_home_im_setting_up_my/
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?

Because his wife is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqopsq/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_can/
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Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"
Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!"
POOF
She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"
Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!"
POOF
Away she went!
The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"
With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"
The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"
And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.
Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqopks/three_nuns_passed_away_and_went_up_to_heaven_they/
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I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqomah/im_color_blind_and_the_other_day_i_thought_i/
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I got kicked out of math class.

Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqodze/i_got_kicked_out_of_math_class/
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My son got suspended for defending himself against a bully

So I went to the school to see why that happened...
“It’s against our policy to hit other students.”  Says the principal.
“So you’re telling me that anyone in your school who feels threaten in a situation shouldn’t even fight back?” I say
“Yes”
So I did what any rational adult would do and smacked her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqo8qq/my_son_got_suspended_for_defending_himself/
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What did communists use before candles?

Electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqo2fc/what_did_communists_use_before_candles/
%
A kindergarten teacher was playing a game with her class

The game involved little hard candies, handing one of each flavor to every student. She told her students to eat the red ones first, then guess what it tastes like. They all ate the red one and after a few minutes they guessed it tasted like Strawberries, they were correct. Next the teacher had them eat the orange one with the hint
"the answer is in the name."
They ate and guessed it tasted like orange. The green one was tricky, but they were able to guess it was lime. Then the teacher had them eat the clear white ones, these were honey flavored, but the children couldn't tell what it was.
"I'll give you another hint." She told the class. "Sometimes your parents call each other this."
Not a moment later, little Sally had a look of shock and spit hers out in fear.
"Why did you spit yours out Sally?" The teacher asked.
Sally on the verge of tears said loudly to the class. "Because they're assholes!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnudw/a_kindergarten_teacher_was_playing_a_game_with/
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnti1/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
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I just watched Hugh Jackman...

Hugh need to turn your webcam off, man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnt00/i_just_watched_hugh_jackman/
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I don't vaccinate my kids and they live to more than 80...

That's a lot of days.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnlxc/i_dont_vaccinate_my_kids_and_they_live_to_more/
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The Three Rabbit Brothers

Once upon a time there were three rabbit brothers named Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot.
One day Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot took Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot is going to make it." That night Foot died.
After the funeral the next day Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot Foot took Foot Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot Foot is going to make it."
Foot Foot Foot said "I hope he does, because I already got one Foot in the grave."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnivf/the_three_rabbit_brothers/
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Open your mouth and say Ah

A beautiful young lady and her old mother went to the doctor.
As they came in to the doctor’s office, he looked at the young lady and said: “Please get undressed and lay down on the bench over there, and we will soon know what is wrong with you”
Her mother said: “No sir, it’s not her, it’s me who is ill. She just took me here.”
The doctor looked over to the old lady and replied: “All right then, please open your mouth and say Ah”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnffn/open_your_mouth_and_say_ah/
%
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnb6a/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/
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A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...

"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"
But then, many people suddenly start yelling at the animals:
"You need to be dealing with the coronavirus crisis Trump, Putin and Jinping!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqn6h6/a_chimpanzee_a_gorilla_and_a_baboon_are/
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A vegan activist walks into a bar.

I only knew he was a vegan activist because he told everyone within two minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmz2c/a_vegan_activist_walks_into_a_bar/
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i made a video about the pandemic

But i am afraid to release it because it might go viral.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmyap/i_made_a_video_about_the_pandemic/
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My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmhye/my_ex_and_i_had_a_safe_word/
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Two friends walk into a bar

The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”
The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.
“What the hell is this?” He cries.
“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.
After a deep sigh and a quick glance to his buddy, he takes a deep bit from the apple. “Oh my god! Its vodka!” The man exclaims.
The bartender says, ”Now turn it around and bite the other side”
The man excitedly turns the apple and chomps on the other end. “This is amazing! Is that Sprite?”
Friend 2 jumps in, “ No way man, let me try one” Bartender tosses him an apple, the man quickly takes bites from both sides and chews them together “Oh wow, it’s rum and coke!”
Just then a third man sits down at the bar and watches them quizzically. “Where’d y’all get them apples from?”
Friend 1 speaks up, “Hey man you gotta try this,” he points at the bartender, “this guy has apples in any flavor liquor you want!”
Bartender nods and says, “ I have any flavor you want, not just liquor. Skittles, oranges, carrot...” he mumbles while rummaging under the counter.
The third man speaks up, “You got one that tastes like pussy?”
All 4 men exchange glances. “Uhhhh...actually yeah I do” says the bartender, who dutifully digs around the shelves, produces an apple and tosses it to the man.
The man takes a large bite and quickly spits it out, “Oh my god! Thats awful! It tastes like shit!”
Bartender says, “Oh. Turn it around.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmgzt/two_friends_walk_into_a_bar/
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An Irish man frees a genie from a bottle

The genie pops out and exclaims “3 wishes! Whatever you want I shall grant!”
The Irish man amazed at first says “I wish I had giant mug of beer!”
“Granted!” Says the genie and poof, the beer appears in front of the Irish man.
The Irish mans says “And I wish it would never run out of beer!”
“Granted!” Says the genie, and sure enough the Irish man starts chugging the beer and as soon as he puts it down it refills.
The genie then asks “And what about your third wish?”
The Irish man stops and thinks for a min and finally says “I’ll take another one of these!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmay9/an_irish_man_frees_a_genie_from_a_bottle/
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In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqm8l8/in_a_small_american_town_a_band_of_squirrels_had/
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If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators = Hearty Starty
Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby
Bra = Breastie Nestie
Fork = Stabby Grabby
Socks = Feetie Heatie
Hippo = Floatie Bloatie
Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlqhr/if_the_person_who_named_walkie_talkies_named/
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Head Larger Than The Shaft...

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqllep/head_larger_than_the_shaft/
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Fun animal fact: You can take a cow up the stairs but not down

Think of the poor bastard who found it out the hard way

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlen8/fun_animal_fact_you_can_take_a_cow_up_the_stairs/
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Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

The first one says "Every morning I wake up at 6:00. At 6:30 I piss for half an hour, just standing there as piss dribbles out. At 7:00 I shit for an hour before I can squeeze anything out. I hate this life."
The second one says "You think you got it bad? Every morning I wake up at 5:00. At 6:00 I piss for an hour, if I'm lucky. at 7:00 I shit for two hours, maybe something comes out. My life sucks."
The third one says "You two think you got it bad? Lemme tell you! Every morning at 6:30 I piss like a faucet, just one continuous stream. At 7:00 I take a massive shit, it just slides straight out!"
The first two look at him and say "So what are you complaining about, you got it made!"
He says "Yeah, but I never wake up before 8:00!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlbt8/three_old_men_are_sitting_in_an_oldage_home/
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fql95s/when_cats_are_sad/
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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear....

... do you think Greece would help?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fql84r/if_russia_invaded_turkey_from_the_rear/
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A bartender has a drink ready for his customer every evening.

He’s a doctor and every time he finishes work he comes to the bar for a hazelnut daiquiri. One night, the bar is all out of hazelnuts. The bartender rummages through the inventory but is only able to find hickory nuts. He improvises a drink in the nick of time.
The doctor comes in right on time and takes a sip.
“This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” He says.
The bartender responds.
“No. You got me, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkor7/a_bartender_has_a_drink_ready_for_his_customer/
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Police are like a box of chocolates....

They'll kill your dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkltg/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
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The Perfect Son

Friend 1 - I have the perfect son.
Friend 2 - Does he smoke?
Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
Friend 2 - Does he drink whiskey?
Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
Friend 2 - Does he ever come home late?
Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
Friend 2 - I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
Friend 1 - He will be six months old next Wednesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkf3o/the_perfect_son/
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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and then the sled driver would just “giver” down some snow covered back roads.
Holding the rope with one hand you could steer the saucer by leaning. Object of the game was to knock the other guy off, preferably when he was on or near what were sometimes 10' embankments of ploughed snow at the side of the road.
Hell of a lot of harmless fun for the most part, until one day it went bad.
Paul and I had been bashing the hell out of each other for a while, and no one was coming off. I came at him quickly from my side of the road and made the initial impact with him just seconds before an old Ford Econoline “shagging wagon” with the classic big ole cb antenna on it, came round the bend in front of us.
Long enough story short, I managed to stay over in our lane behind the sled, but as fate and all the timing that goes with it would have it, the van came even with us just as Paul bounced up the embankment, off a tree, and flipped over, on the wrong side of the road.
Again, in a horrible twist of fate, he came down near the top of the van’s windshield, and the motion of the impact basically impaled him on the antenna that was jutting up from the top of the van.
He survived the initial impact but later died in hospital. His blood system was poisoned by some ailment related to the dead insects that had beat him to the antenna.
Maybe if he had had a flak jacket on he might have made it.
Be careful out there folks. We all did some pretty risky stuff when we were younger.
Wear protection.
No one wants to die from a van aerial disease.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkexs/my_father_ladies_and_gentlemen/
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A dad tells his son that he wants him to marry a girl of his choice.

“No” replies the son.
“The girl is Bill Gates’ daughter” says the dad.
“Ok then” replies the son.
The dad goes to Bill Gates
“Can your daughter marry my son?” asks the dad.
“No” replies Bill Gates.
“But my son is the CEO of World Bank” said the dad.
“Then ok” says Bill Gates
The dad goes to the president of World Bank.
“Appoint my son as the CEO of your company” demands the dad.
“No” replies the president.
“But he is the son-in-law of Bill Gates” says the dad.
“Ok” says the president.
And that is how business is done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkcjd/a_dad_tells_his_son_that_he_wants_him_to_marry_a/
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Four Fathers at the Bar

Father A, Father B, Father C and Father D were at the bar, enjoying their drinks and happily conversing about their successes in life.
With a bladder full of liquid, Father D went to the toilet to take a shit.
As the conversation continued between the others, it diverted towards how successful their children were.
Father A said “My son is one of the most successful architects in the nation, he’s become so rich that he gifted a special friend an entire mansion”.
Father B said “My son is one of the most successful pilots in the world, he’s so rich that he gifted his best friend a private jet.”
Father C said “My son is one of the most popular YouTubers, he just gifted his friends a fleet of Ferraris”
Father D returned from the toilet, hopefully having washed his hands (please be hygienic in the wake of Covid-19). His friends proceed to ask him about his son’s successes, when he replied...
“My son is a gay stripper”
Gobsmacked, bamboozled and flabbergasted... the other fathers replied by asking if he was ashamed of his son, to which his Father D replied...
“Not at all. Recently, his satisfied clients have gifted him an entire mansion, a private jet and a fleet of Ferraris.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqk5j1/four_fathers_at_the_bar/
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What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

Together we can stop this shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqk0g3/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
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I don't usually tell anal jokes

Butt fuck it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjwrw/i_dont_usually_tell_anal_jokes/
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What’s a cats favourite console

The pspspspspspspsps4

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjtz9/whats_a_cats_favourite_console/
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Two boxers light up a blunt

After a couple hours, both of them are pretty damn high, they start telling each other stories. One of them says, "Oh man, the other day I went on the craziest date with my wife. I got home after practice and told her to get ready. A couple minutes later we head out into that beautiful forest next to our cottage.
While we're strolling through the forest, a lion comes out of the bushes. So I punch him and I kick him and I uppercut him all the way to Mars.
We continue our stroll and it's all lovey dovey and we're having a splendid time. All of a sudden a tiger comes out of the bushes. So I punch him and I kick him and I uppercut him all the way to Jupiter.
We continue our stroll and it's all lovey dovey and we're having a splendid time. All of a sudden a dinosaur..."
His friend interrupts him, "Do I seem that stupid mate? Do you think I'm an idiot? What kind of woman gets ready in a couple minutes?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjt9c/two_boxers_light_up_a_blunt/
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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"
The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjp40/donald_trump_met_with_the_queen_of_england_and/
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Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjnan/olive_oil_sale_prohibited_during_covid19_lockdown/
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Today, I'm setting out to recapture my lost youth.

I could've sworn I locked the basement door.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj5ec/today_im_setting_out_to_recapture_my_lost_youth/
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I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time

I went to the zoo and saw an elephant..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj5c3/ive_got_the_memory_of_an_elephant_i_remember_this/
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I've just hired a landscape gardener, but he couldn't help me out

As my garden was portrait...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj269/ive_just_hired_a_landscape_gardener_but_he/
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A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

My dogs don't even own bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqiz9x/a_policeman_just_knocked_on_my_door_and_said_my/
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panda

So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.
Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'
So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some beers and is approached by a fine lady who asks him if he wants to go home with her.
So the panda bear obliges and goes back to this gal's place for a night of wild sex.
In the morning he gets up to leave to get back to the zoo, and she says
"You can't leave you have to pay me"
Panda bear says "why would I pay you"
Girl says "I'm a prostitute"
Panda bear says "yeah and I'm a Panda bear"
Girl says "you don't understand".....grabbing a dictionary, she shows the Panda the definition of prostitute: Person who has sex in exchange for money
Quickly thinking, the Panda Bear opens the dictionary to Panda and says "see, Panda Bear : Animal that eats bush and leaves"
"Good-bye"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqivwv/panda/
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Quarantine going good so far

I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqinmx/quarantine_going_good_so_far/
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Two Dragons walk into a Bar

One says "It's getting Hot in here"
The other "Shut your mouth"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqin21/two_dragons_walk_into_a_bar/
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I have been studying Russian with my friends and i realized we change b's into v's in the accent

My friends ask me if i still want to study russian and i said "If being russian makes my b's into v's then soviet."
I was shot down by the FBI the next day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqiklc/i_have_been_studying_russian_with_my_friends_and/
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A Roman walks into a bar

holds up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqihox/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
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How do you make a pound of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqigg5/how_do_you_make_a_pound_of_fat_look_good/
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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.
"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
"You see that mansion over there?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead."
"Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest."
The second brother to go is the oldest.
"Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour.
Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
"What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed.
"You see that village over there?"
"Yeah?" They said.
"Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive."
"Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience."
The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it."
He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at *least* 200mph.
In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
"You see that giant tree over there?"
"...Yeah?"
"Well I sure fuckin' didn't."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqif6a/three_vampire_brothers_decide_to_hold_a/
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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now
Credit u/kelly240361

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqibk0/day_12_of_quarantine_i_traversed_the_microwave/
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A guy walks into a supermarket to buy some dog food.

After he puts the dog food at the cash register the cashier replies: "Sorry, you must prove that you have a dog to purchase that. It's a new rule". Angry, the guy leaves.
The next day he comes to the supermarket to buy cat food. At the cash register, the cashier replies: "You can't buy that without proving that you have a cat". Furious, the guy exits the market.
The following day he approaches the same cashier and gives him a box with a hole in it. "Stick your finger there please" asks the guy. Suspcious, the cashier puts his finger in the box and quickly removes it.
"Now, smell it"
"This smells like shit, is this a joke ?"
"No, I just needed to buy some toilet paper"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhqen/a_guy_walks_into_a_supermarket_to_buy_some_dog/
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What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhk34/what_is_a_priests_favourite_guitar_chord/
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My dad asked me if I was even listening to what he was saying.

That's one weird way to start a conversation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhgsu/my_dad_asked_me_if_i_was_even_listening_to_what/
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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhfk2/a_woman_joins_a_country_club_and_when_she_hears/
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I told my friends that i had a date with a really attractive girl....

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhak6/i_told_my_friends_that_i_had_a_date_with_a_really/
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A mother is unsure about her depressed son's well-being

She asks him to clarify that he will not commit suicide, the boy tries to reassure her and replies:
"Don't worry mom! Suicide is the last thing I'd do!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgs8n/a_mother_is_unsure_about_her_depressed_sons/
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I want my women to be like my Covid

19 and easy to get

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgs89/i_want_my_women_to_be_like_my_covid/
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If you donate a kidney

everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.
But try donating five kidneys – people start yelling, police gets called – sheesh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgrpw/if_you_donate_a_kidney/
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He'll never make it

Ireland on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement!
Murphy shouts JESUS PADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ONLY 5.45! Paddy replies: I Know where he lives...... He’ll never fucking  make it home by 6!!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgqm5/hell_never_make_it/
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Pillow fight

The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.
I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgldx/pillow_fight/
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A single sperm has about 37.5 mb of data in it. That would mean a single ejaculation would be a transfer of about 1.587 tb worth of data

That’s a lot of information to swallow, I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgkpn/a_single_sperm_has_about_375_mb_of_data_in_it/
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A man walks into his hometown bar, walked up to the bartender and was offered a deal.

The bartender offered, “If you can slap the steak that’s hung from the ceiling, drinks are on the house. If you can’t, then tonight’s drinks are on you”.
The man considered for a long while before replying, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgkm8/a_man_walks_into_his_hometown_bar_walked_up_to/
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Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqggox/quarantine_has_been_hard_ive_run_out_of_toilet/
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A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgaq3/a_woman_is_preparing_a_french_dinner_for_her/
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I left my Chinese dumplings to cool on a third floor window ledge.

The police arrested me for wonton endangerment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg83m/i_left_my_chinese_dumplings_to_cool_on_a_third/
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Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater

...than submarines in the sky?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg4uo/did_you_know_that_there_are_more_airplanes/
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My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother

until my mom took the urn from me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg10r/my_favorite_childhood_memory_was_building/
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Just noticed two large bumps on my car battery...

Had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfxtb/just_noticed_two_large_bumps_on_my_car_battery/
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my things and right

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfvt2/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/
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A Texan walks into an Irish pub

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfsti/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_pub/
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfrmu/paddy_and_murphy_are_working_on_a_building_site/
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I got an email with subject "knock knock"

It was Jehovah's witnesses working from home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqflp5/i_got_an_email_with_subject_knock_knock/
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If Hooters started delivering

Would they change their name to knockers?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfkol/if_hooters_started_delivering/
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What‘s this COVID-19 thing everyone is talking about?

I don‘t get it.
...maybe I should leave the house more often.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfgpj/whats_this_covid19_thing_everyone_is_talking_about/
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My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqffcq/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3years/
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Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure?

Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfdbz/doctor_you_have_a_disease_but_we_can_treat_it/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
THAT'S HIM, OFFICER. HE'S INFECTED!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfcmk/knock_knock/
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Where does a fish keep its money?

At the riverbank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqf8i6/where_does_a_fish_keep_its_money/
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Inner peace during these uncertain times

I heard a doctor on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times  that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more  calm in our lives. I looked through my house for things I'd started and  hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of  Tequila, a bodle of some old Pinot, a butle of wum, tha mainder of  Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus  I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u  luvum....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqf2jk/inner_peace_during_these_uncertain_times/
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Why can't football players wear glasses?

Because it's a contact sport

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqes0a/why_cant_football_players_wear_glasses/
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Marriage is...

Marriage is knowing you never want your partner to die, but hating them for chewing too loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqek6f/marriage_is/
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To be frank,

I'd have to change my name.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqejt6/to_be_frank/
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I bought the world's worst thesaurus today.

Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqej58/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_today/
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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it’s apparent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdz72/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
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Sending my thoughts and prayers

To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdro1/sending_my_thoughts_and_prayers/
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Son, want to hear a funny one?

Son: sure
Dad: Quarantine.
Son: why’s that funny?
Dad: it’s an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdnfb/son_want_to_hear_a_funny_one/
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The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdnbi/the_world_health_organization_has_declared_that/
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What do you call a sad noodle?

Upsetti spaghetti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqd0pm/what_do_you_call_a_sad_noodle/
%
What’s long and yellow and cannot swim?

A school bus full of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqct73/whats_long_and_yellow_and_cannot_swim/
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$500!!!

A guy and his girlfriend are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The girl is just hopping out so she says, "I'll get it"         She goes to the door with just a towel around her.
There's a guy at the front door who looks at the half-naked beauty and says, "My name is Barry,I'll give you $500 to drop the towel"
The girl thinks for a moment and decides, "What the heck". So she drops the towel. The guy gives her the $500 and leaves.
She goes back upstairs where her boyfriend is just getting out of the shower. He asks, "who was at the door?" She says, "Oh, some guy named Barry"
Boyfriend says, "Oh, that's my mate Barry, did he give you the $500 he owes me?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqcow9/500/
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Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.
It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs.
"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqcixo/two_caterpillars_are_escaping_a_spider_they_climb/
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Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United States and Europe, and had the machine scan every book published since the invention of the printing press. Finally Smith sat down at the console, took a deep breath, and typed, "Is there a God?"
The monitor flickered, the hard drives clicked, and up on the screen came the words, "There is now!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqchms/smith_was_a_man_of_cold_facts_a_scientist_a/
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I went into a brothel in Wales.

They charged me twenty quid entry fee and said I could choose one of the girls to spend some time with. But it turned out they had no women at all!
I got fleeced.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqc43b/i_went_into_a_brothel_in_wales/
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Jesus is doing a crossword when he shouts in frustration

I'm stuck on 2 across!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbrcz/jesus_is_doing_a_crossword_when_he_shouts_in/
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So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens.  It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.  However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.  So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo.  People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.  About a month in, the craze has started to wear off.  So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.  A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.  Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.  The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!"  Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbe3y/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
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During boot camp training, a young mathematician is instructed to pull the pin of a grenade, count down from three and then throw.

He died by -6.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbdy5/during_boot_camp_training_a_young_mathematician/
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Went out for my state sanctioned, socially distant walk today...

...and I gotta say, a lot of guys seem to measuring six feet the way they measure six inches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqb4mk/went_out_for_my_state_sanctioned_socially_distant/
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Deep in the Amazon jungle, a tribe witnessed white people for the first time...

...and immediately regretted installing TikTok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqb38l/deep_in_the_amazon_jungle_a_tribe_witnessed_white/
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Why don’t black people go on cruises?

They’re not falling for that trick again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqavnq/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
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I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today.

I dropped my pants and bent over.
They should have said it was a thermal scan!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqalq3/i_got_sent_home_from_work_today_because_i_failed/
%
A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore.  A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqahk4/a_man_with_a_gold_claim_in_alaska_was_cursed/
%
How is the queen still alive?

Because she has been drinking imortali-tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa8o8/how_is_the_queen_still_alive/
%
What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa68f/what_did_the_reddit_user_say_after_detonating_a/
%
My friend asked what chord had the notes G, C, and D

Like Gsus man!  Learn the chord names!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa0cs/my_friend_asked_what_chord_had_the_notes_g_c_and_d/
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The fact that all the bars are closed due to coronavirus has some big consequences.

I haven’t seen a “walked into a bar” joke here for days now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9sug/the_fact_that_all_the_bars_are_closed_due_to/
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For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring..

On the other hand, you don’t.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9n94/for_redditors_thinking_about_getting_married/
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Why was Mary Magdalene upset with Jesus?

Bevause he holy ghosted her.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9mcq/why_was_mary_magdalene_upset_with_jesus/
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What do you call a director who likes to camp inside during a pandemic?

Tentin Quarentino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9m01/what_do_you_call_a_director_who_likes_to_camp/
%
An English man was trying to teach a Japanese man how to tell time in English...

The English man says to the Japanese man, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at the clock and says “it’s 4 o’clock.”
The English man asks again, 30 minutes later, “now what’s the time?” The Japanese man replies with “it’s 4:30 o’clock” the English man and Japanese man celebrate by going to a restaurant.
After an hour of being at the
restaurant, the English man asks the Japanese man again, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at his watch and replies with, “5:30 o’watch.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9gqr/an_english_man_was_trying_to_teach_a_japanese_man/
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A new Chief takes over the Indian tribe..

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9esi/a_new_chief_takes_over_the_indian_tribe/
%
Bro, do you want this pamplet?

Brochure

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9c1l/bro_do_you_want_this_pamplet/
%
Which x-men member is hated by conservatives?

Caitlyn Jenner

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq99oe/which_xmen_member_is_hated_by_conservatives/
%
What does a 9volt battery and a girls butthole have in common?

You know you shouldn’t, but eventually you’ll put your tongue on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9998/what_does_a_9volt_battery_and_a_girls_butthole/
%
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a poultry farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken activities. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
Why am I telling you all of this backstory? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq941j/my_grandfather_died_and_i_inherited_some_of_his/
%
How does an Eskimo build a house?

Igloos it together!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq931o/how_does_an_eskimo_build_a_house/
%
Why is coronavirus like Groundhog Day? (The actual day, not the film)

If you stick your head outside and encounter another person, you get 6 more weeks of quarantine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq92rx/why_is_coronavirus_like_groundhog_day_the_actual/
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9 Inch Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a bag. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.
The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. He rubs it, and out pops an old, dusty genie. The man tells the bartender to make a wish.
The Bartender wishes for 1 million bucks. Lo and Behold, rows of ducks begin walking into the bar and filling the entire area. Frustrated the bartender yells to the man "I wished for a million BUCKS!"
To this the man replied, "Did you think I wanted a 9-inch Pianist?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8w22/9_inch_pianist/
%
An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious muffins, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery’.
“And sure enough,” he continued. “The fifteenth time around the block, and there it was!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8tjh/an_overweight_businessman_decided_it_was_time_to/
%
What's the difference between a woman walking out of church and a woman walking out of the shower?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8m6w/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_walking_out/
%
They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication.

But look who’s over here not lonely during the quarantine!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8ch6/they_said_that_schizophrenia_is_an_illness_and_i/
%
What do cashews and prostitutes have in common?

It’s an expensive nut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq85f6/what_do_cashews_and_prostitutes_have_in_common/
%
Claude the Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for
the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from
his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch
high for all to see.  "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been
in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces.  A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the
gently swaying watch.
They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on
impact.
"SHIT," shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Home and
Claude was never invited back again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8362/claude_the_hypnotist/
%
Bartender

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with
my wife." The man says,
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7ybb/bartender/
%
Due to Coronavirus, we officially now have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7k0u/due_to_coronavirus_we_officially_now_have_three/
%
90% of the time I know what you want.

A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."
The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
I replied, "That's my job."
Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."
The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
I replied, "That's my job."
This time a brunette walked in and I said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
I said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7ajp/90_of_the_time_i_know_what_you_want/
%
Is there any way to put the pin of a grenade back in?

Guys, I'm gonna need a quick answer on this one..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq765a/is_there_any_way_to_put_the_pin_of_a_grenade_back/
%
My grandpa warned that the Titanic would sink.

No one payed attention to him, but he kept on warning until people got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theater.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6su4/my_grandpa_warned_that_the_titanic_would_sink/
%
Who needs stimulus money

When your wife didn't go shopping for two weeks!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6pmu/who_needs_stimulus_money/
%
I tried to rickroll everyone on r/Jokes with a link but

You know the rules and so do I

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6noq/i_tried_to_rickroll_everyone_on_rjokes_with_a/
%
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6ber/i_can_always_tell_just_by_looking_when_someone_is/
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What's the difference between a scout and a Jew?

A scout comes back from their camp

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq61ft/whats_the_difference_between_a_scout_and_a_jew/
%
I used to live next door to a talking horse

We were Neeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigghhhhbours

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5sf8/i_used_to_live_next_door_to_a_talking_horse/
%
My last girlfriend had a lazy eye.

We broke up because I caught her seeing someone on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5qcd/my_last_girlfriend_had_a_lazy_eye/
%
My parents were murdered

And the detective was a duck
Luckily he quacked the case in the end

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5jg2/my_parents_were_murdered/
%
How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5dsf/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/
%
Some people think it’s soooo fine, that a Sweden - Denmark soccermatch gets abbreviated as SWEDEN

But the abbrevition for Finland - Estonia is FINEST!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5agj/some_people_think_its_soooo_fine_that_a_sweden/
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Aussie help line

Helpline Agent: "G'day mate, Aussie help line ere, what's the problem cobber?
Guy: "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her vagina has completely closed up"
Helpline Agent: "Ah bummer mate!"
Guy: "Cheers mate, I hadn't thought of that, bye!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq57np/aussie_help_line/
%
My wife said that with all this going on she’s not going to take our 4 week old to the hospital just to have his weight checked.

No weigh.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4q7e/my_wife_said_that_with_all_this_going_on_shes_not/
%
My friend asked for tips to pick up women

I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4pq5/my_friend_asked_for_tips_to_pick_up_women/
%
My wife has been missing for a year and the police said to me last night..

My wife has been missing a year and the police said to me last night, "I think you should expect the worst."
So I've brought all her things back in from the shed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4hn9/my_wife_has_been_missing_for_a_year_and_the/
%
What did the Russian lesbian spy get charged with?

Lesbionage

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4bq2/what_did_the_russian_lesbian_spy_get_charged_with/
%
Did you hear about the Jamaican spicemaker who had sex before marriage?

He was a cinna-mon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq49if/did_you_hear_about_the_jamaican_spicemaker_who/
%
An ok joke

Francis had memory loss. He was chatting with his friend, Richard, in his nursery home. Richard asks him “ Hey, how is that new memory clinic working out for you?”
“It’s going great!” Francis said. “I can remember everything.”
So then Richard asks him “ What’s the name of the clinic?”
“Umm...What’s the name of that red flower with a long stem and thorns?” Francis asks.
“Do you mean a Rose?”
“Yeah.” So then he turns to his wife.
“Hey Rose! What’s the name of that memory clinic?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq48h7/an_ok_joke/
%
A husband and a wife go to marriage Counseling. [Long]

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”
“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble.
And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq420s/a_husband_and_a_wife_go_to_marriage_counseling/
%
How can you easily spot an optimist?

An Older person buying green bananas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3g7x/how_can_you_easily_spot_an_optimist/
%
What do women and KFC have in common?

After your done with the breast and thighs you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3b3d/what_do_women_and_kfc_have_in_common/
%
I am so bored now, So I applied for The NHS volunteer scheme.

Turns out they've got enough gynaecologist, Just waiting to hear back from the breast clinic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3aso/i_am_so_bored_now_so_i_applied_for_the_nhs/
%
What do cats get when they get sick?

A purrscription

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq37dj/what_do_cats_get_when_they_get_sick/
%
A reporter visits a small village farm to interview a farmer about his sheep.

Reporter:So Billy,what do feed your sheep?
Billy:I feed the white one corn mix.
Reporter:what about the black one?
Billy:I feed it corn mix as well.
Reporter: Ok,where do your sheep sleep?
Billy:the white one sleeps in the underground shack.
Reporter:what about the black one?
Billy: it sleeps in the underground shack as well.
Reporter : OK......how old are your sheep?
Billy:the white one's 11.
Reporter:what about the black one?
Billy: it's 11 as well.
Repoerter:OK Billy,both of your sheep live the same way then why do you keep talking about them seperately?
Billy:it's because the white one is mine.
Reporter:what about the black one then?
Billy: it's mine as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq30g1/a_reporter_visits_a_small_village_farm_to/
%
A man walks up to a widow during a funeral:

“Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq303j/a_man_walks_up_to_a_widow_during_a_funeral/
%
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colour?

A reptile dysfunction.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2yok/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
%
A husband and wife sit in their bed.

The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2svg/a_husband_and_wife_sit_in_their_bed/
%
Missionary Work

An American missionary travels to remote Amazonv village to spread the gospel.  First, thing he realizes is that he needs to teach the natives English; as that's the only language he knows and has Bibles to distirbute.    He ponders and finally approaches the headman of the village.
As the walk along in the forest the missionary see's a bird and points as says "Bird", the villager looks and says "Bird".   The missionary looks upwards and says praise the Lord this might work.  They walk a little further, the missionary passes a tree and points and says "Tree", the villager looks and says "Tree".  The missionary looks upwards again and says praise the Lord this might work.
They continue with this and it seems to be working.  Finally as they pass some bushes they see a couple having sex.  The missionary thinks to himself; I don't want to teach them any "bad" words so he points at the couple and says "Riding a bicycle".   In the blink of an eye, the villager pulls the bow off his back, notches an arrow, and shoots the man from the couple in the back.
Then the the village points at the couple and says "Riding my bicycle".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2j8r/missionary_work/
%
A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]
A man wins the lottery after years of crippling debt and financial stress.
His first idea is to quit his horrible job. Upon arrival at work and before he can say anything, he is summoned to the office of his boss.
"I'm sorry, but we have to let you go due to changed priorities. As this is not your fault, you will be compensated with a severance pay of $50,000. I'll be happy to introduce you to any future employer. Again, I'm very sorry."
Astonished and surprised, the man leaves his former work place and thinks about his next plans.
He decides to buy his dream car.
At the car dealership, he is greeted by confetti, flowers and large banderole reading "Congratulations, customer #100,000!"
As the prize is a fancy sports car, he enthusiastically speeds home to finally tell his wife.
Stepping into his home, he slowly tip-toes from room to room to be able to surprise her.
After nearly checking the whole house, it almost seems like his wife is not at home, even though the door was not locked.
Suddenly he sees that the ladder to the attic is lowered. Slowly ascending, he is overcome by a strong suspicion and starts to breathe heavily.
And yes: there she is, dangling from a rope, a chair toppled over, a suicide note on the neatly placed shoes on the floor.
The man stands silent for a minute and finally speaks to himself.
"Well look at that! Seems like I'm on a roll today!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1vrz/a_man_wins_the_lottery/
%
Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1oc9/wife_dreamed_that_she_was_attending_a_dick_auction/
%
COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?
Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you  just happy to be within 6 feet of me?
Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.
You can't spell virus without U and I.
Baby, do you need toilet paper because I'm your Prince Charmin.
I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.
Without you my life is empty as a supermarket shelf.
Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?
You can't spell quarantine without "U-R-A-Q-T".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1mj3/covid19_pickup_lines/
%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson were investigating a case.

Suddenly Dr. Watson started having constipation and he retired to the nearest lavatory.
After some time passed, Holmes went to check up on Watson.
"You all right in there, Watson?"
"Yes, Holmes."
"Still having bouts of constipation, don't you?"
"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1fjh/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_john_watson_were/
%
A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow.

So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.
When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.
The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1byg/a_group_of_snails_were_tired_of_the_stereotypes/
%
The poetry contest.

The rules were simple.  Contestants were given a word, and five minutes to compose a four-line poem that used the word.  The two finalists were an Oxford don and a undergrad from Ole Miss.  The word was Timbuktu.
The Oxford lecturer went first.
"Across the burning desert sand / Wends a lonely caravan / Men and camels, two by two, / Destination:  Timbuktu."
Polite applause.  Then it was the Southern kid's turn.
"Me 'n' Tim a'huntin' went, / Met three hoors in a pop-up tent. / They was three 'n' we as two, / So I bucked one 'n' Timbuktu."
He won.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1bbh/the_poetry_contest/
%
Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?

The BP station.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1amq/where_do_bees_stop_to_use_the_bathroom_on_road/
%
Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart (NSFW)

He heard little boys pants were half off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq18tj/why_did_michael_jackson_go_to_kmart_nsfw/
%
A King must give his kingdom to one of his sons, he gives them each a duck and a task...

There's a king in a far away kingdom. He had 3 son's all close in age and had not chose an heir.
The 3 princes were old enough for him to decide, so he gives them each a duck. The king says, " which ever of you sale your duck for the most money will be the heir to the throne. Go my sons fulfill this task."
The eldest prince leaves...
A little later on the middle prince leaves...
Finally the youngest son leaves, as he's walking thru the woods he thinks to himself, "I've never sold a thing in my life, the kingdom could never be mine"
He walks hopelessly around the woods and eventually runs into a beautiful woman bathing in a pond. He is struck. He approaches her and says, "Excuse me ma'am you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I will give you this duck for sex".
She agrees.
When they finish he hands her the duck. She looks at the duck confused on what to do with it and says to the prince, "I will return this duck for one more go 'round".
He agrees.
After they got finished the prince heads back to the kingdom as its getting dark. He feels defeated as he is walking back duck still in hand.
Suddenly the duck jumps out of his hands and an 18 wheeler suddenly runs it over flat! Devestated he picks up his flat duck. At that moment a guy on a 4 wheeler pulls up and says to the prince holding the flat duck, "Whoa! That's a bad ass duck dude I'll give you 5 dollars!"
The prince agrees and heads back to the kingdom and all the princes meet back with their father. The eldest prince says, "I sold my duck for 1 dollar!" The second goes, "that's nothing I sold mine for 2 dollars!" The third prince smiling, says, "I got fuck for a duck. Duck for a fuck. And 5 dollars for one fucked up duck!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq16ow/a_king_must_give_his_kingdom_to_one_of_his_sons/
%
What do you call 100 Maleficents?

A Malefidollar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq12wg/what_do_you_call_100_maleficents/
%
A Scottish teenage girl plays the guitar and writes a song

A Scottish teenage girl learns guitar and writes a song. When she performs it at the talent show, to her father's disapproval, she wears a crop top. During a guitar solo, her father walks up on stage and starts singing the song as if he's part of the act, and then he wraps her exposed belly with a towel. In shock, the girl says to her dad, "Why are you coverin' me mid-riff?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0rs7/a_scottish_teenage_girl_plays_the_guitar_and/
%
You know what they say, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Except for the Herpes, that shit comes homes with you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0q65/you_know_what_they_say_what_happens_in_vegas/
%
I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0iww/im_not_saying_its_a_mistake_letting_my_girlfriend/
%
Came home from work to find the cake in my fridge missing. There was a note sitting where the cake was that said...

>“I broke into your house and saw the cake in your fridge, I didn’t steal anything else, only the cake in your fridge.”
I was infuriated, what kind of a burglar steals cake?!
I’ve had thieves take my bike, I’ve had thieves take my packages, but not like this, this one takes the cake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0erc/came_home_from_work_to_find_the_cake_in_my_fridge/
%
Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0916/who_couldve_expected_conservative_party_member/
%
A young girl was sent to work in mines

A few days later someone pushed a piano down the mine shaft
Resulted in A flat minor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq07fl/a_young_girl_was_sent_to_work_in_mines/
%
Vegans don't live longer

It just feels like they do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq06t2/vegans_dont_live_longer/
%
"Orion's belt is a big waste of space"

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzyzr/orions_belt_is_a_big_waste_of_space/
%
Once I was a male who was trapped inside a female's body.

Then I was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzr52/once_i_was_a_male_who_was_trapped_inside_a/
%
R. Kelly has asked to be released from prison after being concerned about catching COVID-19.

I bet if it was COVID-13 he wouldn't mind catching it at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpznhj/r_kelly_has_asked_to_be_released_from_prison/
%
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet.
We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzmy0/a_woman_cranky_because_her_husband_was_late/
%
Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.
"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."
The first man steps forward.
"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floor apartment to another man's clothes at the foot of you and your wife's bed. I didn't have to imagine, and I didn't stand for it. I had to look for this bastard. So I ran around, searching high and low, until I found someone hanging on to the window sill. I hit his fingers until he falls all six stories but he somehow survives by falling onto some trash bags. I grab the nearest heavy object-which happens to be the refrigerator-and throw it down at him. In my anger, I didn't realize that the plug had wrapped around my ankle, so I ended up falling to my death."
"Well," said Peter, "Normally we don't allow murderers in here, but I think it was for a righteous enough reason. You pass."
As the first man walks into Heaven, the second man steps forward.
"Imagine this. You're a window washer, doing your rounds on the seventh floor of an apartment building. You slip and fall, but somehow you catch yourself on the window sill of the floor below. All of a sudden, this random asshat starts smashing at your fingers. Anyways, I fell and my life flashed before my eyes. By some miraculous fate, I was somehow safe! I had landed on some garbage bags and survived. Then I look up and see a fridge falling from the sky."
Peter laughed. "Well, I don't think you did anything particularly wrong. You can come in."
As the second man entered the gates, Saint Peter turned to the last man. "What about you?"
"So imagine you've just finished fuckin' some dude's wife. Then you hide in the refrigerator."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzlz8/three_men_arrive_in_heaven_at_the_same_time/
%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzj4i/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
%
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord.

After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.
"Ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"
"Mmm yes"
"See they are all white, but that one black one?"
"Mmm yes"
"Does that help you to understand?"
"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzcll/white_priest_goes_and_lives_with_an_african_tribe/
%
So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life

I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpz8wi/so_i_decided_to_incorporate_twitter_into_my_daily/
%
What do you call a British girl who likes to keep track of things?

a Tally Hoe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyxa0/what_do_you_call_a_british_girl_who_likes_to_keep/
%
I just married a trophy wife..

Her ears stick out and she has a list of previous boyfriends tattooed down her back...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyu1l/i_just_married_a_trophy_wife/
%
I like my salad how I like my woman

All vegetables

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyta2/i_like_my_salad_how_i_like_my_woman/
%
Last week i launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds..

Today i hit one of the little shits with it..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyk1d/last_week_i_launched_a_book_aimed_at_9_to_12_year/
%
As a kid i was really mean to my kid brother, i once convinced him to swallow a torch..

It was worth it just to see his little face light up..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyffa/as_a_kid_i_was_really_mean_to_my_kid_brother_i/
%
I used to be a fortune teller but i was really bad at it as i could only predict really bad winter storms..

Turns out i was using a snow globe...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpybox/i_used_to_be_a_fortune_teller_but_i_was_really/
%
my son is a male trapped in a female body

he'll be born in may.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpybj5/my_son_is_a_male_trapped_in_a_female_body/
%
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpy8i2/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
%
If you dress up a pug like gru from despicable me

You get a group hug.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpy0gy/if_you_dress_up_a_pug_like_gru_from_despicable_me/
%
I really need to get something off my chest

It’s your mom. Get the crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxxmu/i_really_need_to_get_something_off_my_chest/
%
New quarantine pickup line:

Hey baby, just call me COVID-19, because I want to be inside you for 14 days without you knowing.
Was told this was inappropriate at work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxuz1/new_quarantine_pickup_line/
%
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

In reality it's because I banged her mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxtgc/i_call_my_wife_bambi_she_thinks_its_because_shes/
%
How do bodybuilders combat coronavirus?

Whey Isolate

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxouo/how_do_bodybuilders_combat_coronavirus/
%
My girlfriend's brother had a baby.

You want aunts? 'Cause that's how you get aunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxkyu/my_girlfriends_brother_had_a_baby/
%
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.

She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxj09/i_just_asked_the_wife_to_get_into_her_nurses/
%
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxizp/my_girlfriend_really_changed_after_she_became/
%
I love you.

"I love you, Mom."
"What?"
"I love you, Mom."
"I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear it again."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxft2/i_love_you/
%
There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months

In 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxetc/there_will_be_a_minor_baby_boom_in_9_months/
%
A performer on stage asks his audience if anyone there has ever seen a ghost.

Some people in the audience raise their hand.
The performer continues and asks if anyone present had ever spoken to a ghost.
Only a few people raise their hand.
The performer then asks if anyone in the audience has ever had sexual relations with a ghost.
An old man at the back of the audience raises his hand and so the performer repeats "sir you had sex with a ghost"
To which the old man replies " oh sorry, i thought you said goat"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx7st/a_performer_on_stage_asks_his_audience_if_anyone/
%
Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
"pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work .
A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx7at/is_sex_work/
%
Jesus needs to get back on the cross

And take one for the team

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx4ln/jesus_needs_to_get_back_on_the_cross/
%
I know why there is so much incest in Alabama.

Since you can’t serve on a jury for a family member, you can avoid jury duty by being related to everybody

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwjz5/i_know_why_there_is_so_much_incest_in_alabama/
%
Why doesn’t Bernie Sanders like hand sanitizer?

Because it protects the 0.01%

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwh6w/why_doesnt_bernie_sanders_like_hand_sanitizer/
%
"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"

"Of course we will. We're Progressive."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwcnm/the_car_insurance_company_down_the_road_wouldnt/
%
What do lesbians and turtles have in common?

They both choke on plastic...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwc3j/what_do_lesbians_and_turtles_have_in_common/
%
If you get an e-mail from the CDC about tins of pork being contaminated with COVID-19, don’t open it.

It’s Spam.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwb3g/if_you_get_an_email_from_the_cdc_about_tins_of/
%
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpw6y7/so_boris_johnson_has_tested_positive_for_covid19/
%
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvuaj/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
%
A farmer had three daughters, all of whom had dates on the same night.

The first date knocks on the door and says to the farmer,
“Hello, I’m Eddy and I’m here to take Betty out for a plate of spaghetti.”
The farmer lets them go.
The next date comes to the door and says,
“Hello, I’m Beau and I’m here to take Flo to the show.”
The farmer lets them go.
The third date comes to the door and says,
“Hello, I’m Chuck...”
So the farmer shot him.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvti5/a_farmer_had_three_daughters_all_of_whom_had/
%
He asked: how do you f‌‌eel a‌‌bout s‌‌ex?

She replied: well I like it i‌‌nfrequently.
He said: is that o‌‌ne word or t‌‌wo?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvr3o/he_asked_how_do_you_feel_about_sex/
%
I'd like to thank my dad for coming...

Without him I wouldn't be here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvp48/id_like_to_thank_my_dad_for_coming/
%
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvebp/i_give_to_you_a_joke_i_made_up_when_i_was_seven/
%
Toilet paper hoarding mystery has been solved.

When one person sneezes nine shit themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvapb/toilet_paper_hoarding_mystery_has_been_solved/
%
Parish Priest

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B#tch fish!'
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B#tch!'
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a B#tch I've ever seen'
'Yes, it is a big Son of a B#tch. What should I do with it?'
'Why, eat it, of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B#tch!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a B#tch I caught!'
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B#tch fish!'
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B#tch?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B#tch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a B#tch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing Sister?'
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B#tch for the new Bishop's Dinner'
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B#tch Fish.'
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a B#tch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B#tch.'
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
'I caught that Son of a B#tch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a B#tch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a B#tch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You mother f---ers are my kind of people!'
Reply

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpuw8i/parish_priest/
%
I really made my spouse angry when I opened the shower curtain and yelled "peek a boobs!"

He says he's been going to the gym and I really need to be more supportive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpuvbi/i_really_made_my_spouse_angry_when_i_opened_the/
%
What do you call the slums in Italy?

Spaghetto

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpumiw/what_do_you_call_the_slums_in_italy/
%
What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpumf7/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
%
A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?
Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?
Man: Will you just try the soup.
Waiter: Is it too hot?
Man: Will you just try the soup
Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?
Man: Will you just try the damned soup son
Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...
Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!
Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.
Man: Exactly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpu9qe/a_man_ordered_the_soup_at_a_restaurant_and_asked/
%
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpu7ed/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
%
Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.
She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."
Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "
Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."
"...pay you" replied the old man.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fptzpc/old_man_and_the_prostitute_nsfw/
%
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.

He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
"What colour?" she asked.
He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked.
"Twenty-four dollars."
"Expensive, but ok," he thought.
All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fptpj7/a_married_man_thought_he_would_give_his_wife_a/
%
A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street

and while passing a store a robber comes running out and shoots her 3 times in the stomach. She is rushed off to hospital and the doctor evaluates the situation and says the babies are fine and he opts not to operate on the kids as she could lose them.
So 16 years later, the first daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong. She narrates to the mother that she was taking a pee and a bullet fell out, the mother understands and comforts the daughter and tells the daughter the story of 16 years ago
A week later the second daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong, the second daughter also narrates the experience of taking a pee and a bullet fell out. Mother again comforts her daughter and tells the story of 16 years ago
A week later the son comes into the room crying and the mother immediately comforts him and says let me guess you were taking a pee and a bullet fell out? To which the son replies no mom... I was taking a wank and I shot the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpt0uc/a_lady_pregnant_with_triplets_walks_down_the/
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Corona cases in North Korea are represented in binary.

Number of cases is either 1 or 0

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsv9h/corona_cases_in_north_korea_are_represented_in/
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What do you call a very small bottle of soda?

Minnesota.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsjx7/what_do_you_call_a_very_small_bottle_of_soda/
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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsgdd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_in_the/
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I can't even.

Explains why I'm odd.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprsib/i_cant_even/
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I was talking to my girl the other day, and I told her I came up with a poetic analogy for our relationship.

“You’re like my phone case,” I told her.
“Aww, what does that mean?”
“I paid $20 just to fuck you up.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprlex/i_was_talking_to_my_girl_the_other_day_and_i_told/
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Stop saying your life is a joke!

A joke has meaning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprerv/stop_saying_your_life_is_a_joke/
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How many jokes about Indian food do you know?

Naan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprbc2/how_many_jokes_about_indian_food_do_you_know/
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Put this with the song from the Lego Movie "Everything Is Awesome"

Everything is cancelled,
everything is cancelled 'cause of COVID-19,
Everything is cancelled,
Because of quarantine.
You're welcome

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpragv/put_this_with_the_song_from_the_lego_movie/
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A barely NSFW joke for ya!

Whats the most sensitive body part when your masturbating?
Your ears.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqz58/a_barely_nsfw_joke_for_ya/
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Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.

Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqwtb/put_a_spoon_under_your_pillow_cancel_school_for_a/
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I feel bad for Jehovah's Witnesses

It must be hard for them to stay home and mind their fucking business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqw62/i_feel_bad_for_jehovahs_witnesses/
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What's a dinosaur which recently had anal called?

A Mega-sore-ass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqsrz/whats_a_dinosaur_which_recently_had_anal_called/
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The quarantine isn't funny to a lot of people...

It's an inside joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqsii/the_quarantine_isnt_funny_to_a_lot_of_people/
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My wife called me at work and asked,

"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."
She responded, "How 'bout now?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqq8r/my_wife_called_me_at_work_and_asked/
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We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her.  I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqi7s/we_are_11_days_into_selfisolation_ands_it_is/
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If I had a nickel every time I was confused

I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqhbi/if_i_had_a_nickel_every_time_i_was_confused/
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My doctor asked me what my blood type was, I said O-

He asked, "Are you sure?"
I said, "Oh, I'm positive!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpq9jz/my_doctor_asked_me_what_my_blood_type_was_i_said_o/
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I don't have enough bandwidth to connect to PornHub

Now my Fitbit will think I'm lazy

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpq8ms/i_dont_have_enough_bandwidth_to_connect_to_pornhub/
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I'll never marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fppwxh/ill_never_marry_a_tennis_player/
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Dating a blind woman is easy,

You know they won't be seeing anyone else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpphvv/dating_a_blind_woman_is_easy/
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Why do girl scout cookies taste so good?

child labor

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpp1zh/why_do_girl_scout_cookies_taste_so_good/
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NSFW Rooster likes to fuck.

OK so there's this farmer and he has a rooster, and this rooster loves to fuck. The farmer comes out of the house one morning and finds all his chickens have been fucked to death by this rooster. He says to the rooster, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster says, "nah man, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking" . The next day comes and the farmer goes outside and all his cows have been fucked to death by the rooster again. He goes up to the rooster and tells him again, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster responds the same way, "no way, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking". This goes on a few more days til all the horses, the pigs, even the dog, had been fucked to death. The farmer thinking that everything will calm down now is shocked, when he goes out the next day and see buzzards circling in the sky. He runs towards them and sees the rooster stretched out on the ground. He falls to his knees and says, "damn it rooster I told you that all that fucking was going to kill you"! The rooster opens one eye, points toward the sky, "shhhh pussy".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpotfi/nsfw_rooster_likes_to_fuck/
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Arab

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body," said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?"
His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpotf1/arab/
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoo08/a_suspected_covid19_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed/
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My current hairstyle is perfect for tonight's Silent Disco.

It's got absolutely no volume

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpogpr/my_current_hairstyle_is_perfect_for_tonights/
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What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoe5p/what_do_germans_call_a_dead_battery/
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Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm

Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money back, the wise man confused asks whether his apples were stolen, the neighbor replied that they hadn't, then why do you want your money back? The Wiseman asked so the neighbor showed him the sign that had a new addition to it:
Now there are two!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpocqk/little_kevin_had_a_habit_of_stealing_apples_from/
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instead of 'coronials'

how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoauf/instead_of_coronials/
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What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches; one watches cells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpo9y7/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweler_and_a/
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What do you call an asian girl with only one leg?

Irene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpo6ys/what_do_you_call_an_asian_girl_with_only_one_leg/
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America is #1 again.

We're literally sick of winning.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnppx/america_is_1_again/
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Knock knock

Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
You're not infected, are you?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnpns/knock_knock/
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Superman and Chuck Norris once agreed to a fight.

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants for the rest of their life

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnnju/superman_and_chuck_norris_once_agreed_to_a_fight/
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Did you hear State Farm has a new slogan?

Like a good neighbor stay over there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpndyb/did_you_hear_state_farm_has_a_new_slogan/
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I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there

But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpn2cm/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_criticising_youtube_and/
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:

"Y'know, one would have been enough."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmvqu/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
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Due to COVID-19...

I've begun laundering my money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmnnf/due_to_covid19/
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Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: “Cargo space?”

He looked at me and said: “No car no do that car no fly”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmj2g/today_i_went_to_buy_a_new_car_i_asked_the/
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Where does everyone in Alabama play games on their phone?

Mobile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmhyu/where_does_everyone_in_alabama_play_games_on/
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What does Usain Bolt do when he misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpm68t/what_does_usain_bolt_do_when_he_misses_his_bus/
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Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane

So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound sexuality and on a normal day he would "wash" his rag over 30 times!
Jane became exhausted and decided to avoid Tarzan whenever he was horny. At first Tarzan was confused and angry so he retreated into the jungle.. After some time Jane was again in need of the D but could not find Tarzan anywhere. After a long search she found him and asked him where had he been and why hadn't he searched for her washing machine anymore...
He replied: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplrx7/tarzan_knew_nothing_about_sex_when_he_met_jane/
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Mississippi Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplpka/mississippi_grandma/
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Well, I don't drink anymore.

To be fair, I don't drink any less.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplore/well_i_dont_drink_anymore/
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What do you call a homeless woodwind instrument?

a hoboe

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplm6l/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_woodwind_instrument/
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Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplfxj/ordered_a_chinese_earlier_in_the_day_the_chinese/
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I had a doughtnut shop but ended up selling it...

I was fed up of the hole business

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplcah/i_had_a_doughtnut_shop_but_ended_up_selling_it/
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Son: Mom, why is my sister's name Paris?

Mom: We conceived her when we were in Paris. Now finish your lunch, Quarantino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkvvd/son_mom_why_is_my_sisters_name_paris/
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If you get an email with the subject knock-knock

Don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkuwe/if_you_get_an_email_with_the_subject_knockknock/
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I recently heard about a submarine that recycles an astonishing 95% of its junk.

I personally think this sub is doing even better!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkust/i_recently_heard_about_a_submarine_that_recycles/
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[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard.

A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head.  "Get some toilet paper" he said.  "What for?" the blonde asked.   "He must be half a mile away by now"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkmoh/blonde_a_blonde_woman_and_her_boyfriend_were/
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On a beautiful lake in the middle of a forest...

is a small water strider minding its own business. Right above him, on a small branch sits a spider.
"Oh boy, I'm totally jumping down there and have that water strider for breakfast!" it thinks.
Right under the surface swims a fish. "Yummy, when the spider jumps down on the water strider, I'm gonna shoot up and eat them both!"
Close to the shore lurks a bear. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots out of the water, I'm gonna catch it midair and have a nice meal!"
On the other side of the lake patiently waits a hunter. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots up to eat them both, and the bear comes out to catch the fish, I'll shoot the bear!"
Next to the hunter sits a small, tiny mouse. "When the spider eats the water strider, and the fish the spider, and the bear the fish, and the hunter shoots the bear, he'll be distracted so I can steal the cheese sandwich from his bag.
Next to the mouse sneaks a cat. "When the spider gets the water strider, the fish the spider, the bear the fish, the hunter the bear, then the mouse will come out so I can catch it!"
All is thought and done. The spider jumps down and catches the water strider. Suddenly, the fish shoots up and catches them both, only to be caught midair by the bear. The hunter aims and shoots the bear. The mouse snatches the cheese. The cat runs to the mouse, trys to catch it, misses and falls straight into the lake.
The moral of the story?
The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkmmx/on_a_beautiful_lake_in_the_middle_of_a_forest/
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An elderly married couple goes to the state fair...

They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides.
Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?"
Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was always "Honey, that ride is twenty dollars, and twenty dollars is twenty dollars."
This time, the man running the helicopter rides overhears the conversation and chimes in "Look, you two have been coming here year after year and never once have you taken a ride. Tell you what: I'll make you a deal. If I take you on a ride, and you can manage to stay silent the entire time, it's on the house."
Ethel exclaims "Oh please Lester! I can be quiet, and I know you can. Let's face it, we're both getting on in years, this could be our last chance!"
Lester relents, and agrees.
They climb into the helicopter and the pilot takes off. He does everything he can to get a reaction from the two. Going up, down, side to side... If you could do a barrel roll in a helicopter, he'd've done it. When their time is up, he starts letting the copter down and prepares to land, saying "I'm pretty impressed. I did things that even scared me, but you two didn't make a peep. Congratulations, this one's on me."
To which Lester replies "yeah, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but twenty dollars is twenty dollars."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkl5l/an_elderly_married_couple_goes_to_the_state_fair/
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Putting the cat out

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the Uber was deafening.....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkh0c/putting_the_cat_out/
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Why shouldn't women date a construction worker?

All they do is screw, nut, and bolt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkbe6/why_shouldnt_women_date_a_construction_worker/
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What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

How do you eat with that thing?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkadm/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_guy/
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Our maid told us that she was going to start working from home

She sent us a list of things to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk8qz/our_maid_told_us_that_she_was_going_to_start/
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Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied.

I shit you knot!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk7nv/probably_a_repost_however_yesterday_i_ate_two/
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Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also.

It's called the "Covid-19".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk6dd/just_like_the_freshman15_there_are_reports_that/
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Mike and Pat

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'"
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I took her way out. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with an even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way the **** out there. Much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya....Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much, much further than the last two times. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and...She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! And I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk4o4/mike_and_pat/
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Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase

######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk4n9/pirate_captain_i_need_a_catch_phrase/
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A plane with five passengers on board is about to crash. There are only four parachutes. The passengers include Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau, and a young schoolboy.

Trump reaches for a parachute, saying "I have to get out of here alive. If America has no leader, the whole world will fall into chaos!"
Trudeau slaps his hand away. "That's no way to behave. We're all heads of democracies here, we should solve this democratically. Besides, Canada needs a leader much more than the US does."
"You're both nuts." Macron interjects. "We don't have anyone to represent us, which is important, seeing as to how we're all the heads of *republics*. Besides, France is more important than either of your countries."
"Germany is the leader of the free world." Merkel replies. "If I'm gone, there is no free world. So I should get a parachute."
The schoolboy clears his throat. "I-"
"Not now, kid. Germany, the head of the free world? I've never heard a more bold-faced lie in all my life!"
"You ought to know, you've told enough of them."
"Gentlemen, please, this is very simple. We're all leaders, we'll just all take a parachute and leave the kid."
"*Lady* and gentlemen."
"Whatever. So who's first?"
"Me, of course."
"No, me!"
"Over my dead body!"
"You want to arrange that?"
"I'll have you know, that means war! You don't want to fight us!"
"Yeah? We'll see about-"
*BOOM*
The kid, hanging on from his parachute, watches as the plane crashes into the ground, the politicians still squabbling inside. "I tried to tell them." He thinks aloud to himself. "The number of times I've been through this gag, of course I brought my own."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjusp/a_plane_with_five_passengers_on_board_is_about_to/
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I'm pretty sure the coronavirus has got me turning into a dog.

I lie around the house all day, my main method of exercise is walking around the neighborhood, and the mailman coming by is one of the most exciting parts of my day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjo1c/im_pretty_sure_the_coronavirus_has_got_me_turning/
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In response to being quarantined I'm giving up drinking for an entire month .

Edit, missed some punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking for an entire month.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjk8b/in_response_to_being_quarantined_im_giving_up/
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I met a feminist in a bar

She told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule were I can only say something I would say to Dwayne Johnson
Do 2 minutes into the conversation is said
“Your chest is fucking epic”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjdq5/i_met_a_feminist_in_a_bar/
%
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjdir/i_was_walking_through_the_park_when_these_two/
%
My parents are the funniest people in the world

They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpj3f0/my_parents_are_the_funniest_people_in_the_world/
%
I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He was so drunk, he fell off the watchtower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpj12n/i_dont_think_holocaust_jokes_are_funny_my/
%
What's the difference between a knife and a girl in a argument ?

The knife has a point

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpip5s/whats_the_difference_between_a_knife_and_a_girl/
%
My friend Chance told me this one.

A young couple was dealing with unsuccessful pregnancies. Wanting to have a baby, they went to a sperm bank. The woman at the reception desk handed the man a bottle and said "Come back tomorrow with the bottle filled, and we'll see if you're infertile or not."
The next day, the couple came back with the bottle, but it was empty. When the man handed the bottle to the woman at the desk, she said "Why is the bottle empty?"
The man said "Welp, I tried with my left hand. Then, I tried with my right hand. My wife even tried with her mouth, and even that couldn't get the damn bottle open!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpio8q/my_friend_chance_told_me_this_one/
%
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpib8p/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
%
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphsgb/on_the_first_night_of_their_honeymoon_the_new/
%
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphm7u/jane_always_had_a_certain_attraction_to_tarzan_so/
%
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphm6i/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_dont_get_off_of_the/
%
Businessman: How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?

Agent: Do you mean a choir?
Businessman: Fine! How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphjqa/businessman_how_much_does_it_cost_to_buy_a_large/
%
A blonde went to the library

Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad.
Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library.
Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphdyz/a_blonde_went_to_the_library/
%
I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire.

But I kept the drawings for future reference.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphdpt/i_found_a_couple_of_disturbing_pornographic/
%
why aren't star wars jokes popular?

.
.
.
.
they are usually quite *forced*
(just like this one)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphb79/why_arent_star_wars_jokes_popular/
%
Who got all of the toilet paper at the store?

>!Assholes.!<

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fph03y/who_got_all_of_the_toilet_paper_at_the_store/
%
Just ordered a Chinese takeaway

It was delivered by this little chinese guy,
I opened the door before he got there and he started yelling "ISOLATE! ISOLATE!"
I said "don't worry about it, i only ordered it 20 minutes ago"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpgzi0/just_ordered_a_chinese_takeaway/
%
A meeting between all Catholic priests was held the other day, but the topic of altar boys was never brought up.

I guess they’ll touch on that later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpgqnt/a_meeting_between_all_catholic_priests_was_held/
%
Seniors during quarantine

I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpg7np/seniors_during_quarantine/
%
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfpw5/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
%
Why are all Jewish men circumcized?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfocr/why_are_all_jewish_men_circumcized/
%
Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside.
The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy.
The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees.
The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot... don't you have something to share about your son?"
The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort..." They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though - just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfjw1/four_older_gentlemen_are_out_golfing_sharing/
%
My circle of friends is finally expanding

I haven't gained any, we are just standing further apart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfjka/my_circle_of_friends_is_finally_expanding/
%
Why did the horse cross the road?

I don't know, he left before I could ask equestrian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfhfg/why_did_the_horse_cross_the_road/
%
After 5 years of marriage

the wife finds £7,500 in cash and 4 eggs on top of the wardrobe.
Intrigued she asked the husband the meaning of it.
Husband: Well since we got married I've put one egg up there for every time you annoy me.
Chuffed that in all of 5 years the husband had collected only 4 eggs the wife asks about the £7,500.
Husband: Every time I have a dozen I sell

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpf10t/after_5_years_of_marriage/
%
At the museum my wife: Do you think we’re allowed to take pictures?

Me: No. I think they need to stay on the
wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpefkk/at_the_museum_my_wife_do_you_think_were_allowed/
%
A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpe5ev/a_criminal_is_to_be_executed_by_electric_chair/
%
Who names these viruses?

Yes

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpe49x/who_names_these_viruses/
%
The best thing about Japanese porn

is they censor it so I can watch it with my family \^\_\^

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdvse/the_best_thing_about_japanese_porn/
%
My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdvkk/my_body_has_absorbed_so_much_soap_and_water_hand/
%
Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdf9a/why_does_russia_have_so_little_covid19_cases/
%
Old Biker

Gruff old biker walks into a roadside dive.
Sign behind the bar says Beer $2.50
Cheeseburger $4.00
Hand-job $12.00
Biker motions for the lady working the counter to come over.
(Biker) "You the one giving hand-jobs?"
(Lady behind bar) "I sure am."
(Biker) "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdclf/old_biker/
%
They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdc6a/they_say_you_should_sing_happy_birthday_when/
%
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpd7jv/i_saved_a_bunch_of_money_on_my_car_insurance_by/
%
Why doesn't Antarctica have any cases of coronavirus?

Because they are self-ICE-olated

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpd3a4/why_doesnt_antarctica_have_any_cases_of/
%
A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpcm1d/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/
%
Why was the Ebola virus joke not as good as the Corona Virus Joke?

Because less people got it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc6e3/why_was_the_ebola_virus_joke_not_as_good_as_the/
%
Smart pills

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa
There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.
The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"
Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!"
Grandpa says, "See you're getting smarter already."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc61g/smart_pills/
%
I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc1mf/i_said_to_my_wife_when_i_die_id_like_to_die/
%
Two deer walked out of a gay bar, one said to the other.....

I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbnin/two_deer_walked_out_of_a_gay_bar_one_said_to_the/
%
What's another name for half a second?

A first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbf9i/whats_another_name_for_half_a_second/
%
Billy’s tractor

One day, farmer Joe goes over to his friend’s house looking for him. He knocked on the door but Billy doesn’t answer. He starts to hear some music playing from Billy’s barn, so he goes to check it out. He opens the door to the barn to see Billy, butt naked, dancing around his John Deere tractor.
Joe: “Billy? What in the heck are you doin’?”
Billy: “It’s a long story Joe, I’m doing this for my wife.”
Joe: “Why does she want you to do this?”
Billy: “Well, she didn’t ask me to. We’ve been havin’ some issues so we went to that couples therapy thing.”
Joe: “What does this have to do with couples therapy?”
Billy: “Well see, the therapist told me I needed to do something to spark things up. He suggested I do something sexy to attract her.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbdgi/billys_tractor/
%
Giving

Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood.  On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time.   After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was only receiving $15 for her blood.
"Can I ask why that man was paid $85 more than me?" Jane asked the attendant.  "Well...." replied the attendant "we are not just a blood bank but also a sperm bank and one of the most highly regarded in the city.  if the sperm is from the right type of donor, for example dark hair, over 6 foot tall and has a college degree then we will actually pay $100."
"That's so interesting... I never even new that was a thing" thanked Jane as she was leaving.
Later that afternoon Jane came back into the centre and made her way to the front desk, the attendant was still working and recognised her from their earlier chat.  "Hey, back again so soon?" he asked.  "Mmm hmmm" nodded Jane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbaw7/giving/
%
If you’re dating a guy and you see the banner of the Soviet Union hanging on his wall, leave him!

That’s a big red flag!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbai3/if_youre_dating_a_guy_and_you_see_the_banner_of/
%
Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb7ni/paranoia_has_reached_absurd_stages/
%
An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb60z/an_old_grandma_brings_a_bus_driver_a_bag_of/
%
Little Johnny pokes Jenny

A teacher asks the students the following questions
"Who created the universe?"
Johnny, who's sitting behind Jenny, pokes her with a pencil.
Jenny exclaims "Oh, God!!"
Teacher says "Excellent, Jenny".
The teacher then asks again, "Who was the son of God?"
Johnny pokes Jenny again and she shrieks "Oh, Jesus"
Teacher, happy with Jenny asks her another question, "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their 17th child?"
Johnny pokes Jenny again, but this time Jenny outrageously shouts "If you put that thing inside me again, I'll break it in two and put it in your nose".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb4ft/little_johnny_pokes_jenny/
%
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb1ft/im_so_bored_sitting_at_home_that_i_decided_to/
%
Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaxzr/blind_pilots/
%
A boy complaining to his father...

You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpawv6/a_boy_complaining_to_his_father/
%
They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaqwb/they_say_keep_your_friends_close_but_your_enemies/
%
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaq36/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
%
A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpamfa/a_married_couple_was_in_a_terrible_accident/
%
What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?

OLAY

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpam1f/what_moisturizer_do_spanish_bullfighters_use/
%
My wife is socially distancing me...

Just to be safe, she started it in 2008.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpalhm/my_wife_is_socially_distancing_me/
%
Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpal47/heard_a_dr_on_tv_say_to_get_through_the_boredom/
%
What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaaah"

Sheep with no lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpajfl/what_has_4_legs_and_goes_aaaaah/
%
You know why divorce is so expensive?

Because it's worth it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaibc/you_know_why_divorce_is_so_expensive/
%
Plumber

There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming.
The plumber still plumbing said IT'S ME!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpadsy/plumber/
%
Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpactb/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
%
What do 9 out of 10 men enjoy?

A gangbang

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaboy/what_do_9_out_of_10_men_enjoy/
%
A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand

and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:
Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to the other”.
Kiwi – “about 3 hours to walk from one end to the other”
Texan – “If I get in my car to drive from one end of my ranch to the other, it’ll take me a day”
Kiwi, after some pause for thought – “Yeah Bro, I used to have a car like that.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa9zx/a_texan_cattle_rancher_was_in_new_zealand/
%
It’s the end of the world as we know it

Because “I feel fine.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa83m/its_the_end_of_the_world_as_we_know_it/
%
I would make a Coronavirus joke

But I don’t want you guys to get it

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa7vh/i_would_make_a_coronavirus_joke/
%
A hunter goes in the wild to hunt for a bear.

He´s slowly walking through the wood when he spots one. He aims at the bear and shoots, but he misses. The bear notices him, quicly runs to him and says "you son of a bitch" before fucking him in the ass.
The hunter spends a week in the hospital and decides to go back and finish the job, only this time, he takes a machine gun with him to do it. He finds the bear again, he aims at him.....but  the machinegun jams. The bear notices him, quickly runs to him and rapes him again.
Now he has to spend a month in the hospital. He decides to go back and finally do this thing. He buys a rocket launcher, climbs up a hunting tower in the woods and just patiently waits for the bear. Finally he sees him. He takes the rocket launcher, aims at the bear and shoots....the bear sees the rocket coming, he just moves his head a little, dodging the rocket which explodes behind him. He climbs up the hunting tower, his dick hard again he takes a good look at the hunter and says
"hey....you don´t come here to actually hunt, do you?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9z6f/a_hunter_goes_in_the_wild_to_hunt_for_a_bear/
%
If coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?

Cause you are to die for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9xx6/if_coronavirus_doesnt_take_you_out_can_i/
%
Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.
Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.
“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”
”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”
”Done,” says the Wizard.
“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”
Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”
”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”
There is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”
”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9x0g/four_former_us_presidents/
%
Finally Prince Charles has been coronated

by a virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9nkr/finally_prince_charles_has_been_coronated/
%
Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting.

Seems nice. He's a web designer

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9n4y/struck_up_a_conversation_with_a_spider_today_at/
%
Marriage is like a deck of cards..

...You start with two hearts and a diamond, but later in the hand you'll be wishing for a club and a spade.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9mxw/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
%
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9mmh/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/
%
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9jyp/a_blonde_goes_to_the_dry_cleaners/
%
Covid 19 is like Jeffery Epstein.

It doesn't kill itself.  Wash your damn hands

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9ju7/covid_19_is_like_jeffery_epstein/
%
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9dbv/my_dentist_reminded_me_of_my_wifes_sensitive_gag/
%
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today

Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp95rl/i_got_one_of_them_anti_bullying_bracelets_today/
%
I saw two kids fighting over the last roll of toilet paper and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8s7h/i_saw_two_kids_fighting_over_the_last_roll_of/
%
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After a while the daughter leans over and quietly says to him “I had no idea you were so religious,” to which the boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8l8o/a_17_year_old_male_walks_into_a_drug_store/
%
How do you go from 3D to 4D?

Just give it time.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8e5d/how_do_you_go_from_3d_to_4d/
%
I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp89g3/i_heard_that_prince_charles_tested_positive_for/
%
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible”

“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp85fp/doctor_theres_a_patient_on_line_1_that_says_hes/
%
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said,

“OK, you’re ugly too.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp83io/my_doctor_called_me_fat_i_told_him_i_wanted_a/
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A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp82vi/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_her_child_the_doctor/
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp80l3/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/
%
So two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

The other guy calls 911 immediately and says
“Help! I think my friend is dead!”
The operator says “okay first let’s make sure he’s actually dead”
The phone goes silent for a second before a gunshot is heard
The hunter says “okay what now?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7xml/so_two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of/
%
Self isolation experiments

Do you know if you rest a testicles on top a beer bottle and put a naked flame under the bottle eventually it’ll pop in? If you did know that and know how to get it back out message me.... urgently.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7xk0/self_isolation_experiments/
%
My girlfriend is like √-100

A perfect 10, but also imaginary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7uuk/my_girlfriend_is_like_100/
%
I must have posted two dozen jokes about COVID-19 by now

but none of them have gone viral :(

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7lr9/i_must_have_posted_two_dozen_jokes_about_covid19/
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How do you tell the difference between 'but' and 'butt'?

Butt's got tooties.
- by my 8 year old daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7k0z/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_but_and/
%
A homosexual, a professor, and a wizard walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Dumbledore! The usual?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7dcf/a_homosexual_a_professor_and_a_wizard_walk_into_a/
%
What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one?

Where they tie the rope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7awo/whats_the_difference_between_a_suicidal_bungee/
%
My wife is bisexual

She says bye when I ask her to have sex with me

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7avn/my_wife_is_bisexual/
%
What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp77yg/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
%
what does a dyslexic, agonistic, insomniac do?

stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp70n9/what_does_a_dyslexic_agonistic_insomniac_do/
%
7 8 9.

7: <is about to eat 9>
7: Play some intense music to go with my food.
9: <plays The Final Countdown>
9 8 7.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6z29/7_8_9/
%
A slice of pie in Jamaica is 2.50 and 3.00 in the Bahamas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I'll leave now

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6yx2/a_slice_of_pie_in_jamaica_is_250_and_300_in_the/
%
How many dead bodies does it take to fix a light?

Must be more than 14, because my basement is still dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6uja/how_many_dead_bodies_does_it_take_to_fix_a_light/
%
A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me.
The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp69hu/a_man_goes_swimming_in_the_ocean_but_gets_sucked/
%
I promised my wife I wouldn’t drink anymore during quarantine.

I won’t drink any less either!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp64w6/i_promised_my_wife_i_wouldnt_drink_anymore_during/
%
What do you call Bruce Lee by himself in quarantine?

Lone Lee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp64e1/what_do_you_call_bruce_lee_by_himself_in/
%
Capitalism has man exploiting man

With communism, it's the other way around

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5ur5/capitalism_has_man_exploiting_man/
%
A man takes his sweet time at a urinal.

Once the man has finished, he forgets to zip up his fly, so he washes his hands and leaves the bathroom.
A woman saw him walking around with his fly open and says, “Sir, your garage door is open!”
The man looks down and chuckles as he zips it up. “Did you, by any chance, see a Range Rover in there?”
”No, just a Toyota with two flat tires.”
(I told the people of Cringetopia that I would reword a post here. Let’s see how bad this does.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5rxb/a_man_takes_his_sweet_time_at_a_urinal/
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A man goes to his doctor

and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.”
The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points.
"I see the Sun," answer the man.
The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5kr6/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
%
How can you tell if a mechanic has had sex?

His middle fingernail is clean

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5hwp/how_can_you_tell_if_a_mechanic_has_had_sex/
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A man is at the bar drinking.

He's had a few to many and pukes on himself,he turns to his friend and says,
"my wife is going to kill me, she bought this shirt for me"
His friend says, "don't worry just put 10 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell her some drunk guy puked on you and he gave you 10 bucks because he felt bad about it."
So the man stumbles home and his wife is waiting up and says, "really?!, you are so drunk you puked on the shirt I bought for you!"
Man: "no no, I barely drank anything, a drunk guy puked on me and gave me this $10 to make up for it!"
Wife: "this is $20?"
Man: "yeah he shit my pants too".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5fr9/a_man_is_at_the_bar_drinking/
%
I have dailysex

Dyslexia*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5eg7/i_have_dailysex/
%
A man gets drunk and sleeps naked in the forest

A little girl was picking mushrooms in the same forest. She counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five...
The next day the man wakes up and thought to himself: damn, that felt good, i should get drunk and fall asleep naked in the forest again. And so he did.
A bear was picking mushrooms in the same forest. It counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five, six.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5bwy/a_man_gets_drunk_and_sleeps_naked_in_the_forest/
%
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp58ev/excuse_me_i_said_to_the_woman_sat_in_front_of_me/
%
How does Moses make his coffee?

HeBrews it!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp52py/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
%
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel (NSFW)

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything, Father.”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“Yes, Sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh Father, may I touch it?”
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true Father?”
"Yes, it is, Sister.”
“Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp526u/a_nun_and_a_priest_were_crossing_the_sahara/
%
What is a police officer's favourite colour?

Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp50at/what_is_a_police_officers_favourite_colour/
%
I was shocked when the psychic told me that my father would pass away the very next day.

I was equally shocked the next day when the milkman had a heart attack at our door and died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4z4u/i_was_shocked_when_the_psychic_told_me_that_my/
%
The seven dwarfs were all in the bath feeling happy.

Happy never told anyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4yne/the_seven_dwarfs_were_all_in_the_bath_feeling/
%
Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph?

Because at 69 they blow a rod.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4ydy/why_cant_gays_drive_faster_than_68mph/
%
I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees.

When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4xhz/i_stopped_by_my_one_of_my_bee_keeper_friends_farm/
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An interview to a marriage who never had a fight in almost 70 years

~ And why have you never had a fight in your marriage?
-It all started when we were getting married, we made the vows, we kissed and then we finished the wedding, then we went to a carriage on the way to our house for our honeymoon and the horse was a beautiful white color.
After walking for a while, the horse trips and my husband screams:
¡ONE!
I look at him in a weird manner  but then I do not take much importance
We keep walking for another 10 minutes and the horse stumbles again and my husband screams:
¡TWO!
I look at him worried but I still enjoy the trip. after almost a mile the horse stumbles again and my husband yells
¡THREE!
And he takes out a baseball bat from the back and hits the horse on the head 3 times, to which I react in a horrible way, and I say:
- How can you think of doing that, you are a bastard!
And I hear him scream:
¡ONE!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4x5t/an_interview_to_a_marriage_who_never_had_a_fight/
%
What did Cola say to his buddy Mentos?

"You're overreacting."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4iiq/what_did_cola_say_to_his_buddy_mentos/
%
What do you call 2+ police officers having sex?

Copulation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4iec/what_do_you_call_2_police_officers_having_sex/
%
There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses.

One has a wife and farms honeydew.
The second has a husband and sells watermelon.
The third cantaloupe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4a6b/there_are_three_melon_farmers_with_different/
%
Did you hear about the mathematician that hates negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp49rb/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_that_hates/
%
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they arrest the bulb for being broken and beat the room for being black.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp49p9/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
%
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar

No joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp45ww/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
%
What do you call a father without a car?

The walking dad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp444j/what_do_you_call_a_father_without_a_car/
%
Polish Divorce

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, 'Polish Remover.'"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3v9t/polish_divorce/
%
My little bird.. Enza

I once had a bird..
It's name was Enza.
Wanna know how i got it?
I opened the window.. anddddd..
In-Flew-Enza!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3ocd/my_little_bird_enza/
%
In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.

In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3lkv/in_2019_if_you_were_unemployed_and_stayed_home/
%
In America you cast your vote.

In India you vote your caste.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3lkr/in_america_you_cast_your_vote/
%
What does a grape say when you step on it?

Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3ku7/what_does_a_grape_say_when_you_step_on_it/
%
A guy’s driving down the road when he sees three penguins on the side of the road.

He looks around and doesn’t see anyone around so he stops and picks them up. He’s driving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop looks in the car and sees the three penguins sitting on the front seat. He exclaims, “You’ve got three penguins in your car!”
The guy replies, I know! I just found them and don’t know what to do with them.”
The cop thinks about for a minute and says, “Take ‘em to the zoo.”
The guy thanks the cop and drives off.
The next day the guy’s driving down the road when the same cop pulls him over. The cop walks up to the car and looks in. The three penguins are still in the front seat, except now they’re wearing sunglasses and tiny baseball hats.
The cop says, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday!”
The guy replies, “I did! We had such a good time we’re going to the beach today!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3htd/a_guys_driving_down_the_road_when_he_sees_three/
%
How do you get a clown off a swing set?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3erm/how_do_you_get_a_clown_off_a_swing_set/
%
Three girls die and go to heaven...

They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp33mn/three_girls_die_and_go_to_heaven/
%
I was told to disinfect the things touch the most

So I did. Hopefully the burning ends soon and my boyfriend quits screaming soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp32iw/i_was_told_to_disinfect_the_things_touch_the_most/
%
Why did the Banana go to the doctor?

Because he wasn’t peeling too good

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp30xd/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctor/
%
If R-Kelly was a computer file

He'd be a .pdf file

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2y4m/if_rkelly_was_a_computer_file/
%
What’s the difference between an egg and a beetroot ?

You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a root.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2xty/whats_the_difference_between_an_egg_and_a_beetroot/
%
My Dad left to buy milk 7 years ago

He came back 15 minutes later but still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2mm5/my_dad_left_to_buy_milk_7_years_ago/
%
I thought my blind neighbor started dating a guy

turns out she wasn’t seeing anyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2lvb/i_thought_my_blind_neighbor_started_dating_a_guy/
%
2 sausages sizzling in a pan

One turns to the other and says, "It's pretty damn hot in here isn't it?"
The other screams "AHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2l7v/2_sausages_sizzling_in_a_pan/
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So if this is what the Roaring 20s is supposed to be like.

I’mma go ahead and say the Silent Generation was being quiet for a reason.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2k7v/so_if_this_is_what_the_roaring_20s_is_supposed_to/
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Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Because Sheeran away

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2hxo/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/
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I got pulled over by the police...

He came over to the window and said papers...I said SCISSORS! I WIN!!! and drove off...he must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for the past couple hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2bwt/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police/
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How do you circumcise a Redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1ju4/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
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I never trust chiropractors

They always talk behind your back

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1dzr/i_never_trust_chiropractors/
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A mathematician says to his friend 'I bet I can stretch my mouth so its exactly 1m in radius

His friend replies 'shut your pi hole'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1c7e/a_mathematician_says_to_his_friend_i_bet_i_can/
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Did you all hear about what's happening to the Energizer bunny?

He's being charged with battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp171l/did_you_all_hear_about_whats_happening_to_the/
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Recess and cookies

An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.
Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?
Johnny: I played in the sandbox.
Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.
Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie.
Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do?
Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny.
Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie.
Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie.
Teacher: Jamal, what did you do?
Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face.
Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0vd9/recess_and_cookies/
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Ireland’s on lock down due to the virus!!

Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army.
They are given a rifle each and told...
“Listen up men! We are on the lookout for Virus Curfew offenders.
Martial law has been declared!
Anyone caught out after 6 PM ……….. it's SHOOT TO KILL”!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement!
Murphy shouts “JESUS PADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ONLY 5.45 PM”!
Paddy replies:” I Know where he lives...... He’ll never fucking  make it home by 6!!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0ppi/irelands_on_lock_down_due_to_the_virus/
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I think China finally got what they wanted.

They managed to coronise the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0nt5/i_think_china_finally_got_what_they_wanted/
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Have you ever heard of emo pizza?

You haven’t, well it’s the type that cuts itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0kas/have_you_ever_heard_of_emo_pizza/
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Who caused the porpoise holocaust?

A dolphin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0ftp/who_caused_the_porpoise_holocaust/
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Stop vaccinating your children!!

Let the doctor do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp059b/stop_vaccinating_your_children/
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Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.

Mother Earth:  Hold My Beer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozxmo/humans_there_is_absolutely_nothing_that_can_be/
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There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozwgo/theres_an_easy_trick_you_can_use_to_calculate/
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Title malone

Post Malone

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozvcc/title_malone/
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Me scheduling a a doctors appointment

Me: Hello i would like to schedule an appointment
Receptionits: Yeah just give me a second... How about 10 tommorrow
Me: No thanks, that's way too many

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozpn6/me_scheduling_a_a_doctors_appointment/
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An immigrant mother finally got her Visa to visit her adult son in America.

It's been years since they've seen each other, and after he joyfully picks her up at the airport, he brings her to his home, where his two children are playing.
"Oh," the mother says. "One child is black... and the other is red-haired." She paused. "They must be adopted... I thought you said Tina was pregnant a while back..?"
The son laughed. "Oh, no, mom, they're definitely our kids. Both of ours."
"They are? How are you, uh..." she paused again, unable to believe her son wasn't *getting it.* "How are you sure they're yours?"
"Simple," the son said. "Tina and I procreated. When the baby came out red-haired, she said that she used to sit by the window and watch red-haired construction workers across the street, and that's why the baby turned out red-haired. A year later, when she got pregnant, she was sitting by the window and saw a black mailman delivering mail across the street, so naturally, the kid came out black."
The mother nodded her head. "Yes, I see now. When I had just gotten married, living on the farm with your father, I used to sit by the window and watch a jackass roam about the farm."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozgz7/an_immigrant_mother_finally_got_her_visa_to_visit/
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What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos?

Pizza-rrhea

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozfji/what_do_you_call_diarrhea_that_you_get_from/
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What do you call it when a poop makes you groan like, "Aaaaaaeeeeeeeeeooooo!"

A vowel movement.
I'll see myself out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozdpj/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_poop_makes_you_groan/
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2020

Directed by Trenton Quarentino.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozbh6/2020/
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Love in the time of Coronavirus

I said, "The scent you're wearing is beautiful."
She said, "Thanks, it is my hand sanitizer."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz55h/love_in_the_time_of_coronavirus/
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Sneezes just went from bless you to fuck you real quick.

Achoo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz33q/sneezes_just_went_from_bless_you_to_fuck_you_real/
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A woman at a bar told me she treats job interviews like dates

“Oh, because it has to be the right fit for both parties and it’s important to be honest?” I asked.
“No, I’m a prostitute”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz303/a_woman_at_a_bar_told_me_she_treats_job/
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Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared

Apparently horses can’t get the virus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foyng9/prince_charles_diagnosed_with_covid19_camilla_has/
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Woman

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foymk8/woman/
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The only time my wife will yell deeper - deeper

Is when they will be lowering my coffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foy0om/the_only_time_my_wife_will_yell_deeper_deeper/
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Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foxz1z/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
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My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foxfm5/my_cocaine_is_so_white/
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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

The Second-Hand Store.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fox2t7/where_did_captain_hook_buy_his_hook/
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From friend, to girlfriend, to fiance, and now wife!

I've been doing a lot of driving today!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowwat/from_friend_to_girlfriend_to_fiance_and_now_wife/
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowsr4/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowp8d/i_have_just_started_a_sexual_relationship_with_a/
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What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress?

One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowo6r/whats_the_difference_between_an_artists_folder/
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Whoever said that one man cannot change the world

Has never eaten a bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow90y/whoever_said_that_one_man_cannot_change_the_world/
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A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.
When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor.
The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler.
The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: "We have to break the tile she's on."
"NO WAY, " the husband yelled - "those tiles are 100 dollars a piece. There must be another way?".
"Well," said the tiler. "You could kiss and caress her all over her body."
"Will that free her?" the husband wondered.
no, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow34h/a_young_woman_had_a_habit_of_doing_naked/
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow1bp/what_has_two_butts_and_kills_people/
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My girlfriend treats my dick like COVID-19

She didn't care about it until I gave it to her mom

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow0g2/my_girlfriend_treats_my_dick_like_covid19/
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We went from "okay, boomer"..

to "you okay, boomer?" in like a week.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovylp/we_went_from_okay_boomer/
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What's Donald Trump giving up for Lent this year?

Your grandparents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovnhc/whats_donald_trump_giving_up_for_lent_this_year/
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Being on lockdown together has made my wife and me really conscious of how competitive we are. We've been having a good laugh about it!

(I laugh more than she does, though.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovjbm/being_on_lockdown_together_has_made_my_wife_and/
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What do you do with a sick chemist?

First you try helium,then try curium,but if that doesn't work.You barium

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fov9y3/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
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Why will Pornhub not crash when Netflix does?

It is experienced with big loads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fov3pl/why_will_pornhub_not_crash_when_netflix_does/
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Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open

17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fourds/joe_biden_is_like_a_web_browser_with_19_tabs_open/
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You know the industry hit hardest by coronavirus?

Home invasion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fouky9/you_know_the_industry_hit_hardest_by_coronavirus/
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What is Harry Potter's way of getting down a hill?

Walking
Jk. rolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fouf5s/what_is_harry_potters_way_of_getting_down_a_hill/
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When the DJ plays "Macarena", I do the Macarena

when the DJ plays "Hokey Pokey", I do the Hokey Pokey. When the DJ plays "Come on Eileen". I get arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou4p5/when_the_dj_plays_macarena_i_do_the_macarena/
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I can talk to animals!

Such a shame they have no idea what I'm saying

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou1pu/i_can_talk_to_animals/
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What do whales do during Social Distancing?

Netflix and Krill

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou0un/what_do_whales_do_during_social_distancing/
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What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foty85/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
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At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them

There were just a few Casual Tees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foty3a/at_a_clothing_store_i_came_across_some_fancy/
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What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?

An investigator.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foturk/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_a_vest_on_an/
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What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotugg/what_do_you_call_a_fake_koi_fish/
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Four farmers are feeding their chickens

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"
The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."
The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."
The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his chickens.
The other three stare at him and say nothing.
He eventually notices the staring and says, "What? I like my chicken baked."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotm9p/four_farmers_are_feeding_their_chickens/
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I went to the supermarket to get some beer...

And I came back with a case of Corona

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotl8k/i_went_to_the_supermarket_to_get_some_beer/
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A Blonde and A lawyer.

A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other.  The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer.  The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.  " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."  This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"  The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.  He searches on the airport wifi, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.  After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fot93m/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer/
%
In democracy your vote counts.

But in feudalism, your Count votes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fot245/in_democracy_your_vote_counts/
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How many of the pennies in a roll of pennies have a Lincoln face?

It's actually one per cent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foszfs/how_many_of_the_pennies_in_a_roll_of_pennies_have/
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Men are a lot like infants.

If you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosyjy/men_are_a_lot_like_infants/
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What sound does a Chinese cat make?

mao

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosw08/what_sound_does_a_chinese_cat_make/
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My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fostaj/my_2020_new_years_resolution_was_to_reduce_my/
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I sexually identify as Michael Jackson

My pronouns are He/Hee

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosje1/i_sexually_identify_as_michael_jackson/
%
As a blind man, I've a hard time eating fish..

I can't seafood..

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosg0h/as_a_blind_man_ive_a_hard_time_eating_fish/
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Prince Charles is in isolation with Covid - 19

His brother Andrew is in isolation with Bethany - 14

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/forwh4/prince_charles_is_in_isolation_with_covid_19/
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If I could describe myself in one word...

It would be "bad at following directions".

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/forswb/if_i_could_describe_myself_in_one_word/
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Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet.  Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”
Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”
“We send them at night.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foromq/trump_decides_he_is_going_to_reinvigorate_the/
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NEVER ALL AT ONCE

A farmer had a three-legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.
“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.
“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.
“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foril5/never_all_at_once/
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Two unattractive women walk into a bar

and order drinks.
While preparing the drinks, the bartender notes their accent and asks
"Are you two ladies from England?"
In a less than friendly tone one of them mutters "Wales"
So the bartender apologizes and re-asks his question
"I'm sorry, are you two whales from England?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/for6m3/two_unattractive_women_walk_into_a_bar/
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A guy and a girl were on their 1st date.

Girl: "So what do you do?"
Guy: "I own a mining business."
Girl: "What do you mine?"
Guy: "I mine my own fucking business."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/for46o/a_guy_and_a_girl_were_on_their_1st_date/
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People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow...

Too soon

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqy2z/people_are_making_apocalypse_jokes_like_theres_no/
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Did you hear that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus?

After all these years he's finally been coronated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqplp/did_you_hear_that_prince_charles_has_tested/
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There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqp04/there_once_was_a_man_who_owned_a_sausage_factory/
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Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart...

... We are supposed to be shelf isolating!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqopt/dont_forget_to_keep_everything_in_your/
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What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqh11/whats_the_difference_between_jimmy_fallon_and/
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A bunch of teenagers TP'd my house last night

It's now appraised at $750,000.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqgs5/a_bunch_of_teenagers_tpd_my_house_last_night/
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There is no toilet paper

So I’ve got to use newspaper...
The Times are rough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqf41/there_is_no_toilet_paper/
%
“John, would you be so kind as to fetch me a glass of water?”

“Right away, Sir.”
“Here you go, Sir.”
“Thank you!… Oh, John!”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Bring me another glass of water, will you?”
“Of course, Sir.”
“Here it is, Sir.”
“Many thanks, John!”
“John!”
“Sir?”
“I’m afraid I shall need another glass of water.”
“But, Sir, so much water might not be so good for you.”
“John, the water is not for me, can you not see the library is on fire?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq9vd/john_would_you_be_so_kind_as_to_fetch_me_a_glass/
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2 condoms walk past a gay bar..

One says to the other, 'wanna get shit faced?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq84e/2_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
%
I wish my cake day was 11 days ago

I prefer pie

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq57j/i_wish_my_cake_day_was_11_days_ago/
%
I was stopped at a checkpoint and they asked for my ID.

Little did they know about my ego and superego.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq4bg/i_was_stopped_at_a_checkpoint_and_they_asked_for/
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I'm a bit cross

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The Russians have said “Its not us”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq29i/im_a_bit_cross/
%
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq275/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
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Stomach Pains

A man goes to the doctor with sever pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over and delivers the prognosis.
"Sir. You are infected with a very large tapeworm. It's larger than I've ever seen and I fear traditional medicine will not help you get rid of it. I know how to get rid of it, but you'll have to trust me because my method will sound a little unorthodox."
"Ok, Doc. What should we do?" says the man.
"Come back to my office tomorrow and bring with you a banana and a snickers bar."
The man looks confused but agrees. He returns the next day with the banana and a Snickers bar.
He is instructed to disrobe and bend over. The doctor then takes the banana, shoves it up the mans ass and waits 60 seconds. Then he takes the Snickers bar and shoves it up the man's ass and waits 60 seconds.
"Ok sir. Come back tomorrow at the same time with the same items."
The next day, the man returns and the doctor repeats the same procedure. This goes on for 5 more days until the man is about to break.
"Doctor! Please! How long must we do this for?"
The Doctor apologizes for the man's discomfort but reassures him that tomorrow will be his last appointment. He said to come back at the same time but this time to bring a banana, a Snickers bar and a hammer.
"A hammer?" says the man, shaking.
"Yes. Just trust me." say the Doctor.
The next day the man returns with the banana, the Snickers and the hammer. The doctor asks him again to disrobe and bend over and proceeds to shove the banana up the man's ass. He waits 60 seconds.....120 seconds......3 minutes......5 minutes.
"Well doctor? Are you going to use the snickers?"
"Just be patient." Says the doctor.
Just then, the worm pops his head out of the man's ass and says "Where the hell is my Snickers?" and the doctor grabs the hammer and SMASHES HIM!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopvvf/stomach_pains/
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Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19

The queen will have a receding heir line

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopu34/prince_charles_diagnosed_with_covid19/
%
Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.
15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?” She replied and said “We have no teeth so we aren't able to chew them.”
Confused, he asks, “If you can't chew them, why do you buy them?” She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopolc/peanuts_as_present/
%
Therapist asks the patient, "What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?"

"Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead", they answered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foplcf/therapist_asks_the_patient_what_would_you_say_to/
%
All countries eventually got coronavirus

But China got it right off the bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopdvz/all_countries_eventually_got_coronavirus/
%
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopazq/ive_finally_worked_out_why_spain_is_so_good_at/
%
Whats the Difference between coronavirus and me ?

People pay attention to coronavirus

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopatr/whats_the_difference_between_coronavirus_and_me/
%
My dad's a legend

Like a real legend. People talk about him but I've never seen him myself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopa02/my_dads_a_legend/
%
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly? asked the doctor.
The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying,"Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
"On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop87p/a_man_went_to_the_doctors_office_to_get_a_double/
%
My wife asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said yes, but it was an accident.
How can you accidentally piss in the shower? She asked.
Well I said, it sometimes happens when I take a shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop27w/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_pissed_in_the/
%
When life gives you melons

You’re dyslexic

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop1qy/when_life_gives_you_melons/
%
Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom?

Because Rick Astley is British.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop1ai/why_do_they_spell_it_honour_and_favour_in_the/
%
I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foow9r/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
%
Irish drinking

A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
Forty minutes later, the Irishman who had left returned and said, -"Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
-"Sure!"- said the American, -"20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
-"Grand!"- replied the Irishman, -"So pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
-"OK, Yank, pay up."- said the Irishman.
-"I'm happy to pay, here's your money."-
said the American. -"But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?”
-"Well mate,"- replied the Irishman, -"$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foos6k/irish_drinking/
%
Hey guys, I don't know how to cheer up my cannibal friend.

He recently dumped his girlfriend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fooq11/hey_guys_i_dont_know_how_to_cheer_up_my_cannibal/
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Little Johnny Walked into his dad's bedroom [NSFW]

one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed”, to which Little Johnny replied “What ya gonna do, fuck him?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foojyi/little_johnny_walked_into_his_dads_bedroom_nsfw/
%
A man goes to the circus.

After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
\-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
\-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
\-"Oh well", the man says and flies away.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo9m1/a_man_goes_to_the_circus/
%
I think my wife is performing in a musical behind my back...

I asked to see it but she just gave me song and dance

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo5kz/i_think_my_wife_is_performing_in_a_musical_behind/
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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh no ma’am, I’m not using profanity. Dam Ham is what we call the especially delicious filets we get from the big trout caught down by the dam.” The woman apologizes for the misunderstanding, buys the filet, and goes home.
Later that evening, her husband comes home from work and asks, “What is that Heavenly smell?” “Thats Dam Ham,” she replies. “Honey! What would the congregation think if they knew their pastor’s wife was speaking in such a way?” “Oh no honey, I would never!” She responds “They call it Dam Ham because it’s a special filet from one of the big trout caught down by the dam.” She finishes dinner and they sit down at the table with their two beautiful children. They join hands and say grace. The husband carves the meat, takes some for himself, then passes the plate to his son. After taking his first bite, the husband says, “Honey, you’ve really outdone yourself. This Dam Ham is delicious!
“Right on, Dad!” The son says “Now could you pass the fucking potatoes?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo20j/a_pastors_wife_walks_into_a_butcher_shop/
%
What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam?

A crane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo1od/what_normal_bird_has_the_strength_to_lift_a_steel/
%
They say God grants wishes

... but they omit the fact that we have go there to receive our wish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foni66/they_say_god_grants_wishes/
%
Of course I touch myself when I think about you

It is called face palm

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foncfg/of_course_i_touch_myself_when_i_think_about_you/
%
I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.
(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fon7jm/i_need_a_recommendation_for_a_good_breakfast_wine/
%
My daughter won't tell me about her date with a Norse god...

She's keeping it Loki.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomxit/my_daughter_wont_tell_me_about_her_date_with_a/
%
A woman dies and goes up to heaven

But as soon as she arrives she finds lots of people baking furiously outside the gates.
She walks up to St Peter and asks him why everyone is baking and no one is going inside.
“Did you not know? Cake gets you karma”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomlqm/a_woman_dies_and_goes_up_to_heaven/
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What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken caesar salad........

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomjh7/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_a_lettuce/
%
How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position?

Flipper

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomch0/how_does_a_dolphin_get_his_lady_into_missionary/
%
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomc74/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
%
What did the custodian say when they jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fombtw/what_did_the_custodian_say_when_they_jumped_out/
%
A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”

The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!”
“Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fom5nd/a_man_walks_into_a_police_station_and_announces/
%
What's the difference between criticism and constructive criticism?

One pisses you off and the other helps to piss you off

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folykp/whats_the_difference_between_criticism_and/
%
What is an immigrant’s favourite sport?

Cross-country.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foltaa/what_is_an_immigrants_favourite_sport/
%
My friend said I'm starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman.

What a joker!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foloz3/my_friend_said_im_starting_to_annoy_him_because_i/
%
f you boil a funny bone

It becomes a laughing stock.
Now that's humerus!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folhzm/f_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
%
What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift?

Gloves. Just Joking.
He still hasn't opened the gift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folh8o/what_did_the_man_with_no_hands_get_for_his/
%
A mathematician and a physicist are asked to answer a math question:

Joe has 4000 burgers then he eats 4 burgers, how many burgers does Joe have left?
The matematician says: "well 4000-4=3996, so Joe has 3996 burgers left."
The physicist says: "well 4 is pretty small compared to 4000, so Joe has 4000 burgers."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folfhi/a_mathematician_and_a_physicist_are_asked_to/
%
What does a horny guillotine want

Head

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foleo1/what_does_a_horny_guillotine_want/
%
I was going to tell a dead baby joke,

but I decided to abort.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foldzo/i_was_going_to_tell_a_dead_baby_joke/
%
Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.
Lizard Birth
If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them
to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent,absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . .."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foldme/lizzard/
%
how do you make a creative Star Wars joke?

you have to think outside of the jarjar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fol96q/how_do_you_make_a_creative_star_wars_joke/
%
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokzhx/what_happens_when_no_one_comes_to_your_birthday/
%
Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk.

Sorry for ignoring you in the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokxlp/where_are_those_guys_who_told_me_i_can_earn_5k_a/
%
God finds a genie lamp.

He wishes people would stop wishing to him. Genie says that's a hard one I'm gonna have to pray for some help.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokpr6/god_finds_a_genie_lamp/
%
One day a Russian, A Chinese and a Filipino are on a boat.

The Russian takes out a gun and throws it off the boat.
The Chinese asks "Why did you throw that?"
The Russian replies "Don't worry we have many of those in motherland."
The Chinese then proceeds to throw a cellphone overboard.
The Russian asks "Why did you throw that?"
The Chinese replies "It's fine, we have a lot of those in China."
The Filipino then picks up the Chinese and throws him overboard.
The Russian screams "Why the hell did you do that?!"
The Filipino says "It's OK we have a lot of those in the Philippines."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokdy0/one_day_a_russian_a_chinese_and_a_filipino_are_on/
%
A good book is a lot like a cute puppy.

Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojxmc/a_good_book_is_a_lot_like_a_cute_puppy/
%
Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojxkx/los_angeles_sherriff_just_recently_ordered_gun/
%
The answer is going to a grocery store during a pandemic

That's what I'd do for a Klondike bar

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojsfi/the_answer_is_going_to_a_grocery_store_during_a/
%
My son wouldn't accept my bonsai tree gift, saying that it wasn't gender-neutral enough. Sadly, the incident gave me a small heart attack.

I'm fine, but I'll eventually need a trans plant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojh1w/my_son_wouldnt_accept_my_bonsai_tree_gift_saying/
%
Three men go deer hunting.

They've been out there for hours before one of the men finally sees a buck.
He shoots the buck and they're tracking  its blood when one of the other guys says "we need to hurry i need to shit."
They proceed to take the dead buck back to camp and start gutting the deer. That's when the other guy said "fuck it, im just going to shit behind that tree. I cant hold it any more"
The two guys are sitting there cleaning the buck still and one of them say. "Hey lets put these guts under him so it looks like he shit his guts out" .
So they snuck over and put the guts under him while he's shitting without him noticing them and went back to wait for him.
About 30 - 45 mins later guy comes back saying "Y'all wont believe this, i think i shit my guts out! But with the grace of god and a big stick i got them back in there".
Sorry for the grammar im an illiterate hick on a phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojg8l/three_men_go_deer_hunting/
%
I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojeh9/i_forgot_i_marinated_the_beef_3_days_ago/
%
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and have been living together for a year and are now she tells you she’s pregnant, so now you work extra hours and spent long nights planning on how you are going to give the support to the loves of your life and after many brutal months the baby comes out and you are in complete happiness for 15 seconds before you realize something is off, and that something is the baby, you then realize that it’s not yours and you pass out on the floor, everything goes black, everyone is in shock, you wake next to your “wife” and *your* “child” that you just spent so much time and money on, and she tries to explain it was an accident, it was a one time thing, but now you know, that she wasn’t happy all along, so you let her and the child go... you let them move away, but no, they don’t take any of the things you bought for the baby, anything you worked so hard for, for them, they leave you alone with nothing to live for.  But what is left is an apple, an apple that when you take a bite, you find half a worm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojdeg/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
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1,732,582,439 and 1,732,582,440 got into a fight

1,732,582,441

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojddu/1732582439_and_1732582440_got_into_a_fight/
%
The first contact between space aliens and humans

A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"
"We don't have enough money."
"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"
"We don't have enough money."
"Why are so many people ill despite that there are cures?"
"We don't have enough money."
"You know, maybe if scarcity of this mysterious resource that you call "money" is so big problem for you, then maybe our civilization could somehow help you to get more of it?"
"There is no need, we can print as much money as we want!"
"Okay, thanks for the conversation." Then the alien returns to its spaceship and reports to its boss that there is no sight of intelligent life on Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojcp2/the_first_contact_between_space_aliens_and_humans/
%
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon"
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale,
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This one was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her chest.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um. equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long.
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojbwb/the_smiths_were_unable_to_conceive_children_and/
%
Pretty soon we are going to grow fond of being trapped in our own homes, worrying about having enough supplies....

We are going to develop stock home syndrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojb8o/pretty_soon_we_are_going_to_grow_fond_of_being/
%
I know the Corona virus isn’t my dad

Because it’s still here

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foj82s/i_know_the_corona_virus_isnt_my_dad/
%
An old pub had a dog called Rover

, who all the patrons loved. Unfortunately, one day Rover passed away. To honour the passing of their beloved dog, they cut off his tail and pinned it above the fireplace.
With this, Rover went up to doggy heaven where he was met at the pearly white gates by Saint Peter. As Rover approached the gates, Saint Peter says to him "I'm sorry Rover, I can't let you into doggy heaven unless you are complete. I must send you back down to earth to fetch your tail." Saint Peter then raised his arms and sent Rover back down to earth as a ghost.
By the time Rover reaches the old pub back on earth, it's about 2 am and the pub is shut. Eager to get into heaven, Rover starts barking outside. The landlord wakes up, opens his window, and looks outside at the ghostly dog and asks "Rover? Is that you boy?", "Yes, it is" replied Rover " I've come to get my tail as I am not allowed into heaven without it!" The landlord looks Rover in the eyes and says "I'm sorry boy, but you know the rules... We don't serve spirits after 12"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foj7wn/an_old_pub_had_a_dog_called_rover/
%
Another day at the underwear store...

A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.
"Only two pairs of underwear?"
"Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash."
The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order.
A second man walks in. "5 pairs of underwear please."
"Only 5 eh?"
"Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend."
The man behind the counter shakes his head. "Well, you're better then the last guy!"
A third man walks in. "7 pairs of underwear please."
"Finally, a man who knows hygiene!"
"Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday."
At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. "12 pairs of underwear please."
"Wow! You must be really clean!"
The man smiles. "Yup, that's me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April..."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foizep/another_day_at_the_underwear_store/
%
What’s a confused person’s favorite drink?

What-er!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foiuc0/whats_a_confused_persons_favorite_drink/
%
My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard

But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foio4i/my_wife_said_that_if_i_dont_get_off_my_computer/
%
No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...

...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foil48/no_matter_how_hard_you_work_out_nsfw/
%
The US 2020 census might want to wait a few months....

Something tells me those numbers are going to be dropping soon....

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foid62/the_us_2020_census_might_want_to_wait_a_few_months/
%
An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas

"Dear santa,
I have no money this Christmas for any toys.  please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched by the message they put together $50 and send it back to the boy for Christmas. When the boy received the letter he was ecstatic, opens it in a rush and pulls out the $50. he was happy but also saddened... picks up the pen and  immediately works on a reply.
"Dear Santa, thank you so much for the present! It made me very happy. however I think the assholes at the post office may have opened the envelope and stolen a $50 bill!.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foicaf/an_little_orphan_boy_writes_a_letter_to_santa_on/
%
I told my Italian housemate that "I'm not a materialist", he asked "is that a pronoun?",

I replied "no, it's more anti noun"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi2k7/i_told_my_italian_housemate_that_im_not_a/
%
How do you measure a snake?

In inches since they dont have any feet

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi167/how_do_you_measure_a_snake/
%
If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.

Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi10x/if_you_see_a_deer_with_out_antlers_acting_crazy/
%
My 6-year-old wrote a timely coronavirus joke

What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli?
"Let's be friends", because we're both bad things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohxyz/my_6yearold_wrote_a_timely_coronavirus_joke/
%
During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry.

The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohxmj/during_this_crisis_the_government_is_trying_to/
%
For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task

They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohowr/for_those_unaware_big_ben_is_undergoing/
%
Trump knows a lot about bankruptcy

China’s going to find out the joke’s on them

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohmt5/trump_knows_a_lot_about_bankruptcy/
%
The Coronavirus infects you very quickly

The first person who had it was infected right off the bat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohlpa/the_coronavirus_infects_you_very_quickly/
%
Helicopter backwards is retpocileH

Helicopter upside down is how Kobe died

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohg4g/helicopter_backwards_is_retpocileh/
%
What starts with Co-, ends with -s, and has been a real scourge to the USA lately?

Congress.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohfp5/what_starts_with_co_ends_with_s_and_has_been_a/
%
A friend asked me how many types of noodles there are

I said the pastabilities are endless

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohf6i/a_friend_asked_me_how_many_types_of_noodles_there/
%
What do you call someone who watches you take a test while wearing a vest?

Proctor Seuss

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohawq/what_do_you_call_someone_who_watches_you_take_a/
%
Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not t o show that she was staring the teacher said,
'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fogrwo/field_trip/
%
Frank

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.You're just like Frank.
'Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.
'Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.
'Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fricking wife."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fognir/frank/
%
8 days into quarantine and it feels like I’m in Vegas.

I’m loosing money by the hour, no one knows what time it is and cocktails are acceptable and encouraged at any hour!

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fogbme/8_days_into_quarantine_and_it_feels_like_im_in/
%
What do you call someone who makes a movie during the COVID-19 pandemic

Quentin Quarantino

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fog56n/what_do_you_call_someone_who_makes_a_movie_during/
%
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except for one.

He’s never gonna give you Up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofulh/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
%
What do you call a German saddle?

Leaderhorsen

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofkvn/what_do_you_call_a_german_saddle/
%
I’m in hospital at the moment

Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofk3r/im_in_hospital_at_the_moment/
%
How do I feel about quarantine

I ate 11 times, slept 5 times and it is still today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofbn0/how_do_i_feel_about_quarantine/
%
Deep in the Jungle

, a Monkey and Lizard are sitting in a tree smoking weed with some other animal friends getting stoned. After about an hour, all the animals are  blitzed, laughing their asses off, and the Lizard falls from the tree. Unharmed, the lizard tells its friends above that it’s gonna grab a drink from the river. The Lizard goes, and as it approaches the water, starts drinking, only to be looking face to face with a crocodile. The Croc, a straight edge, yells at the Lizard “What the hell are you doing with your life, wasting it away! Look how high you are, laughing, stoned off your ass! Get your shit together!” The Lizard, looks at the Croc; eyes bloodshot, it’s dazed and confused answers the Croc “Buddy, you think I’m zonked? Go look at the monkey in the tree!” And continues drinking. The Croc heads up to the tree and climbs, gets to the top and the Monkey starts exploding from laughter. Laughs so hard, he falls right off the tree! The Croc goes down and sees the monkey still laughing on the floor, stoned as shit. The monkey looks at the Croc and goes “Lizard how much fucking water did you drink??”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof9i6/deep_in_the_jungle/
%
I was confused, when a football kept getting bigger and bigger....

And that's when it hit me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof400/i_was_confused_when_a_football_kept_getting/
%
A man walks into a bar...

"Hi! Please may I have some helicopter flavoured chips!"
"Sorry, we've only got plane."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof316/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
%
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said "Sex! Sex ! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said "Wow!"
Then her friend said "She means 666-3629"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foez7k/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_said/
%
9 out of 10 people agree

that 1 out of 10 people will disagree with the other 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foexnx/9_out_of_10_people_agree/
%
Ok. Years ago, I used to have a third nipple.

...I’m so glad I got that off my chest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foes59/ok_years_ago_i_used_to_have_a_third_nipple/
%
What did the cat say when he went back in time and ran into his former self?

You have got to be kitten me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foejef/what_did_the_cat_say_when_he_went_back_in_time/
%
A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?
American: Sure.
European: Free Healthcare
American: I don't get it
European: I know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foe9pl/a_european_tells_an_american_a_joke/
%
To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodtha/to_kill_a_french_vampire_you_have_to_drive_a/
%
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodtc4/three_dinosaurs_are_running_across_the_desert/
%
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet ?

The looked at the reviews.....only 1 star

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodnnz/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
%
In America, the president's guards aren't allowed to say "get down, mr president"

They now need to say " Donald duck"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fod5jf/in_america_the_presidents_guards_arent_allowed_to/
%
Scientists have announced a breakthrough: a Plant that eliminates Coronavirus in 100% of all cases!

It's called Plant-your-ass-in-your-chair and stay the F home.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fod57r/scientists_have_announced_a_breakthrough_a_plant/
%
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/focoda/my_ex_just_sneezed_and_i_accidentally_said_bless/
%
Mom and son are driving to school

Mom and son are driving and suddenly they get stuck next to a gay rights protest.
Suddenly a huge dildo is thrown on the windshield and it gets stuck on it.
Son: "Mom what is that?"
Mom: (trying to perserve son's innocece)
"Sweetie that is just a really big bug!"
Son: "Well how does that bug fly with a big cock like that?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foc8gb/mom_and_son_are_driving_to_school/
%
A perfect cure for corona:

Tell corona that you are serious, you love it and that you want to spend the rest of your life with corona. You will not hear from corona ever again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobxxi/a_perfect_cure_for_corona/
%
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobpuf/my_mom_always_told_me_i_wouldnt_accomplish/
%
I haven't told my wife that I'm an objectophilic pyromaniac...

.. but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foboat/i_havent_told_my_wife_that_im_an_objectophilic/
%
A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobg93/a_woman_works_in_a_sperm_bank_she_is_taking_a/
%
My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.

And now, with this coronavirus thing...

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobf4b/my_wife_is_stressed_out_not_being_allowed_to/
%
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that he had a dream...

In that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.
"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.
"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobeze/a_senior_west_wing_staffer_told_trump_that_he_had/
%
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears

9 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobbe4/today_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark_and_i/
%
Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo?

No, she just shakes it off.
PS: please share the tp everyone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob2aj/does_taylor_swift_wipe_after_going_poo/
%
I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism...

And I beg you not to speak of the irony.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob1qi/i_have_finally_completed_my_phd_in_literary/
%
A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.

Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.
A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, they say, just grab one, it's what we do. After a while, he warms to the idea and makes them promise not to laugh at him. Solemnly, they all promise not too.
Around dusk that night, he takes their advice and sure enough sees a couple of them out there. But when he returns to camp, they're all rolling around laughing at him. Incensed, he yells, "but you *promised!*" To which they reply, "we didn't know you'd pick the *ugliest one!*

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob0dx/a_strapping_young_man_joins_the_sheep_camp_but/
%
What is the oldest age at which someone can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cut-off date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazv4/what_is_the_oldest_age_at_which_someone_can_get_a/
%
A plane is landing and slams into the ground a bit roughly...

The Captain comes on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentleman, on behalf of the entire crew we would like to apologize for the rough landing you just experienced.”
“However, I want to ensure you that it was not my fault.”
“Additionally, it was not the co-pilot’s fault either.”
“It was the asphalt.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazii/a_plane_is_landing_and_slams_into_the_ground_a/
%
A nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!"
The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!"
Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction.
The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".
The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving.
Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"
The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"

— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazhu/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
%
Alien1: So how did the earthli

This file has been truncated. View the full file.

1	Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?
2
3	It's called Google Sheets.
4
5	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftboup/did_you_know_google_now_has_a_platform_for/
6	%
7	What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum?
8
9	The vacuum doesn't snore after sex.
10	April fools, I don't have a wife.
11
12	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftbopj/what_is_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_my/
13	%
14	On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister.
15
16	I was happy to meat her.
17
18	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftb7sx/on_my_18th_birthday_my_friend_introduced_me_to/
19	%
20	Which animal has the softest bite?
21
22	“Gummy” bears
23
24	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftb6sw/which_animal_has_the_softest_bite/
25	%
26	Husband: I cheated on you once
27
28	Wife: well if we are coming clean I cheated on you too
29	Husband: haha April First!
30	Wife: it was May 17
31
32	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftawab/husband_i_cheated_on_you_once/
33	%
34	What do you call a boat full of dentists?
35
36	A tooth ferry
37
38	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftauqh/what_do_you_call_a_boat_full_of_dentists/
39	%
40	Just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock...
41
42	It's not great, but it gets me out of the house.
43
44	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft9yt4/just_got_a_job_as_a_cuckoo_in_a_cuckoo_clock/
45	%
46	How does Popeye stop his penis going rusty?
47
48	He sticks it in Olive Oyl.
49
50	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft9ps3/how_does_popeye_stop_his_penis_going_rusty/
51	%
52	What's the difference between meat and fish?
53
54	If you beat your fish, it dies!
55
56	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8v27/whats_the_difference_between_meat_and_fish/
57	%
58	Why do you call your dog ”I-know-what-you-did”?
59
60	I love how many people jump 3 feet high when I start calling him.
61
62	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8lvd/why_do_you_call_your_dog_iknowwhatyoudid/
63	%
64	A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
65
66	"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
67
68	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8jyz/a_blonde_ordered_a_pizza_and_the_clerk_asked_if/
69	%
70	Like a fucking idiot, I left my apartment door unlocked and some prick came in and took a shit
71
72	Yeah, so when I get home, I find two turds floating in the toilet. I know for a fact that when I left, there were three.
73
74	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8jd8/like_a_fucking_idiot_i_left_my_apartment_door/
75	%
76	A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
77
78	So she gets a
79	divorce.
80
81	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft87y8/a_doctor_tells_a_woman_she_can_no_longer_touch/
82	%
83	A Japanese, British, and American soldier are marooned on an island inhabited by cannibals
84
85	The three soldiers are brought to the tribal Chief, who tells the men they will be killed, skinned, and their skin will be used to make canoes. But, the Chief out of respect for the men will allow them to choose their own way to die.
86	The Japanese soldier asks for a sword and commits Seppuku. His body is hauled away.
87	The British soldier asks for a gun, holds the gun to his head and proclaims “long live the queen!” before pulling the trigger. His body is also hauled away.
88	The American soldier thinks for a second, then asks “so you want to kill us?”
89	“Yes” said the Chief
90	“And then you’re gonna use our skin to make canoes?”
91	Becoming aggravated, the Chief responds “yes, yes, what’s so hard to comprehend about this?”
92	“Well, in that case, I’ll take a fork please”
93	Confused, the Chief orders his men to give the American soldier a fork. He takes a deep breath and starts stabbing his skin repeatedly yelling “fuck your canoes!!”
94
95	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7s8e/a_japanese_british_and_american_soldier_are/
96	%
97	Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.
98
99	Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...
100	A month later 3 women are eating lunch and discussing where in the world are guys the horniest.
101	First woman thinks: "Has to be Mexico. Have you seen how hot and sweaty guys are over there? They must fuck all the time, that's why."
102	Second one says: "I was in a restaurant in France, after eating, rather than bringing me a cheque waiter brought me an invitation to his bed."
103	Third woman interrupts: "That's nothing. Horniest guys live right here in our home country. Just a month ago I was walking down a street few blocks from here. I wasn't wearing any makeup or sexy clothes. And suddenly guy comes down from the sky, his dick out, yelling "Fuck me!"
104
105	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7jek/two_men_are_cleaning_windows_on_the_99th_floor_in/
106	%
107	Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms...
108
109	I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.
110
111	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7dof/pandemic_countrywide_fires_floods_locust_swarms/
112	%
113	A duck threw a duck at another duck. So I shouted "DUCK!"....
114
115	They all looked at me and said "what?"
116
117	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft729t/a_duck_threw_a_duck_at_another_duck_so_i_shouted/
118	%
119	An American, an Asian, and Newfie were working on a 40 story building....
120
121	An American, a Chinese guy and a Newfie were working a 40 story skyscraper, while in the lunch room, the American opens up his lunch kit and complains,
122	“Look at this! Ham and cheese! Every day ham and cheese! I swear if I get another ham and cheese I’m jumping off this building tomorrow!”
123	His Chinese friend said “I hear ya buddy my wife she give me chicken sandwiches every day nothing but chicken, I don’t want you to die along so I will jump with you IF I get another Chicken sandwich”
124	The Newfie half hearing the conversation says “well I got a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich, if I get one tomorrow, I’ll jump with you guys!” Seemingly excited.
125	The next day the American took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it, the Chinese guy took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it. The Newfie was on the same elevator ride up with the Chinese guy to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it,
126	A few days later the wives were all grieving the American’s wife says sobbing “well if I had known he didn’t like Ham and cheese sandwich I won’t have given him ham and cheese sandwiches!” The Chinese’s wife says sobbing “I know right, husband says he loves my cooking but no complaints about chicken sandwiches!” They look to the Newfie’s wife and she says
127	“Don’t look at me, he made his own lunch!”
128
129	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft722f/an_american_an_asian_and_newfie_were_working_on_a/
130	%
131	What is the difference between a new wife and a new job?
132
133	After 5 years the job still sucks.
134
135	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6ws9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_new_wife_and_a/
136	%
137	I am gonna leave r/jokes here is why:
138
139	Why
140
141	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6wfd/i_am_gonna_leave_rjokes_here_is_why/
142	%
143	Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date.
144
145	Mr. T: Here's your girl.
146	Ninja Turtles: who is she?
147	Mr T: Its April, fools.
148	Also, I'm sorry.
149
150	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6wf1/mr_t_set_the_ninja_turtles_up_on_a_blind_date/
151	%
152	Honeymoon
153
154	It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."
155	The husband replies, How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
156
157	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6lri/honeymoon/
158	%
159	When one door closes, another one opens
160
161	Other than that, it's a pretty good car
162
163	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6eeo/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens/
164	%
165	Elite Hacker Finds a Magic Lamp
166
167	He rubs it and a genie pops out.
168	The genie says "You have three wishes."
169	Elite Hacker says "I wish I have zero more wishes."
170	Genie says "You have 255 more wishes."
171
172	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6cwb/elite_hacker_finds_a_magic_lamp/
173	%
174	People must not cough near you. People can only cough far away. When you hear people cough, you should tell them to
175
176	Far Cough
177
178	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6c9z/people_must_not_cough_near_you_people_can_only/
179	%
180	Why did the semen cross the road ?
181
182	Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.
183
184	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6ad2/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/
185	%
186	A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
187
188	One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "Ive been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, whats the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
189
190	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft662b/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/
191	%
192	Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.
193
194	Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?
195
196	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6554/masturbating_too_much_during_quarantine_can_lead/
197	%
198	Can February March?
199
200	No, but April May.
201
202	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft64nv/can_february_march/
203	%
204	A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
205
206	The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
207	insisted on no baby talk.
208	"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
209	She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
210	"I went to visit my Nana."
211	"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
212	She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
213	"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
214	She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
215	She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
216	"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
217	Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
218	pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
219
220	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft62dk/a_group_of_kindergarteners_were_trying_to_become/
221	%
222	A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store
223
224	He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
225	The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"
226
227	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5tge/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/
228	%
229	Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces
230
231	And are now fed-up
232
233	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5lbe/due_to_a_huge_increase_in_deliveries_fedex_and/
234	%
235	Nsfw: Do you think sperm would be disappointed...
236
237	...to find out they were in a gay dude's balls? They have one job: to be a baby, but the best they can be is a snack.
238	Imagine your whole life you wanted to be an astronaut. You went to space camp, you studied hard. You beat the odds, and came in first of your class...you get the job, they load you into the rocket and instead of shooting you into space, they shoot you into some guy's asshole.
239	I mean, being in a straight guy's balls can't be any better...like it's the last day of school, the bell rings, and all the kids pours out the doors and right into a sock. Even best case scenario you're target demographic is a cunt.
240
241	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5hdg/nsfw_do_you_think_sperm_would_be_disappointed/
242	%
243	Two men were riding through Mississippi when they're pulled over for speeding..
244
245	The officer approaches the driver's side, opens the door, pulls the driver out, and begins beating him senseless. When he's done he tells the driver, "We don't drive like assholes in Mississippi." Shoves him back in the car, walks around to the passenger side, repeating the process. The passenger pleads, "I wasn't driving, why me? Why ME?!"
246	The officer says, "So you don't say I wish he would've tried that shit with me five miles down the road."
247
248	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5dm6/two_men_were_riding_through_mississippi_when/
249	%
250	Bill and Fred hang out at the beach . . .
251
252	Bill meets a lot of girls, but Fred can’t get anywhere with them. Finally, Fred takes Bill aside and asks him, “What’s your secret?”
253	“Well,” Bill says in a low voice, “I always put a potato in my trunks. Works every time!”
254	Fred thinks that it’s a great idea, and the next day, he puts a potato in his trunks.
255	They return to the beach, but this time the girls are RUNNING away from him.
256	Bill waves him over. “Fred,” he says, “the potato goes in the front.”
257
258	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5a7k/bill_and_fred_hang_out_at_the_beach/
259	%
260	News: Los Angeles to reopen gun shops as "essential" businesses.
261
262	Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week.
263
264	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft54o6/news_los_angeles_to_reopen_gun_shops_as_essential/
265	%
266	An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...
267
268	...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."
269	The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."
270	Then the Irishman says "Oi tink Oi'd like for t' see a hundred Oirish dancers all doin' Riverdance before Oi go."
271	The Englishman says "My request? Will you shoot me first?"
272
273	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4td1/an_englishman_an_irishman_a_scotsman_and_a/
274	%
275	Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.
276
277	He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
278	One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches."
279	The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?"
280	The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!"
281	As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?" The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big.
282	"6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"
283
284	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4g9t/once_there_was_a_man_with_a_15_inch_penis/
285	%
286	A Community Joke Where I Live (Sorry Californians)
287
288	A Montanan, a Russian, and a Californian walk into a bar. The Russian orders vodka, pulls out his gun, and shoots it.
289	Everyone says, "Why did you do that?". The Russian replies, "Back at home, we have a lot of vodka,"
290	The whole bar laughs at this. Then, the Californian orders wine, takes the Russian's gun, and shoots the bottle.
291	The bartender asks,"Why did you do that?" The Californian says,"In California, we have a lot of wine."
292	Again, the whole bar laughs. The Montanan order some beer, drinks it, takes the Russian's gun from the Californian and shoots him.
293	Everyone screams, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" The Montanan replies, over sirens,"Well, in Montana, we have too many fucking Californians."
294
295	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4d0s/a_community_joke_where_i_live_sorry_californians/
296	%
297	An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting.
298
299	They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.
300	The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calculated the optimal firing angle. He takes his rifle, consults his calculations, lines up and fires...but his shot is too high and goes over the buck.
301	This being a joke, the buck doesn't run away so it's now the engineer's turn. He pulls out his tool kit and constructs a device to aim and fire his rifle. He completes construction, straps his rifle in, and calibrates the machine. The engineer then presses the fire button and steps back. The machine whirs, then fires the rifle...but the shot is too low and passes under the deer.
302	The statistician throws his fists into the air and shouts, "We got him!"
303
304	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3zlr/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_statistician_go/
305	%
306	Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...
307
308	Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"
309
310	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3w6s/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/
311	%
312	What do you call a cheap circumsion?
313
314	A rip off
315
316	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3uvm/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumsion/
317	%
318	A Woman gets 3 wishes...
319
320	A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
321	The woman freed the frog.
322	The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
323	The woman said, "That would be okay."
324	For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
325	The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
326	The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
327	For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
328	The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
329	So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
330	The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
331	Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
332	Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
333	Male readers: Please scroll down.
334	The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
335	Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
336	Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
337	PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
338
339	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3n2a/a_woman_gets_3_wishes/
340	%
341	Before VS After Marriage
342
343	Before Marriage:
344	Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
345	Girl: Do you want me to leave?
346	Boy: No don't even think about it.
347	Girl: Do you love me?
348	Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
349	Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
350	Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
351	Girl: Will you kiss me?
352	Boy: Every chance I get.
353	Girl: Will you hit me?
354	Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
355	Girl: Can I trust you?
356	Boy: Yes.
357	Girl: Darling!
358	After Marriage:
359	(Read from bottom to top)
360
361	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3a8v/before_vs_after_marriage/
362	%
363	What’s a pregnant woman to a cannibal?
364
365	Kinder surprise.
366
367	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft35ix/whats_a_pregnant_woman_to_a_cannibal/
368	%
369	Cross-eyed Cow
370
371	One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.
372	The vet came out and said he knew exactly what to do. He proceeded to take out a hose and stick it in the cow's butt. He then told the farmer to go around and watch the cow's eyes.
373	As the farmer was watching the vet took a deep breath and blew into the hose. To the farmer's amazement the cow's eyes went back to normal. The vet said that'll be $200. The farmer was a bit taken aback by the steep charge, but he was thankful that his cow was back to normal, so he paid the vet without complaint.
374	The next day, he went out to milk the cow as usual. To his great dismay he found that the cow's eyes were crossed again! He didn't feel like paying the vet again though, so he decided to treat the cow himself.
375	He began to do the same procedure to the cow exactly as he saw the vet do it the day before. However he could not see if it was having the same effect. So he called Billy-Bob the farm hand over and said, "I want you to watch the cow's eyes while I blow in this hose." Billy-Bob agreed and watched as farmer Brown did the deed. However, nothing happened. He reported to the farmer who tried it again. Still, no result.
376	Farmer Brown was stumped, so he told Billy-Bob to blow while he watched the eyes. As farmer Brown moved to the front, he saw Billy-Bob take out the hose and turned it around! Just before he put it to his lips, the farmer yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!"
377	Billy-Bob looked at him incredulously and said, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."
378
379	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2tx3/crosseyed_cow/
380	%
381	I have a Polish friend that is a microphone tester
382
383	And a Czech one, too...
384
385	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2o6s/i_have_a_polish_friend_that_is_a_microphone_tester/
386	%
387	You know the worst part about taking a corpse out on a date?
388
389	They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill.
390
391	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2mu7/you_know_the_worst_part_about_taking_a_corpse_out/
392	%
393	Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.
394
395	Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.
396
397	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2klg/scientists_have_recently_discovered_that_97_of/
398	%
399	My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
400
401	She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
402
403	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2iik/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_sex_a_couple_of_days_ago/
404	%
405	A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
406
407	The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."
408	The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
409
410	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2ftx/a_man_ran_into_the_bar_and_asked_the_bartender/
411	%
412	I was asked" How often do you have sex?"
413
414	Almost everyday. Almost on Sunday. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Etc. Etc.
415
416	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft25s0/i_was_asked_how_often_do_you_have_sex/
417	%
418	Q: Have you ever seen Malcolm in the middle?
419
420	A) Yes
421	B) No
422	C) Maybe
423	D) I don't know
424	E) Can you repeat the question
425
426	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft24br/q_have_you_ever_seen_malcolm_in_the_middle/
427	%
428	Why did Egyptian royalty have an easy time getting married?
429
430	They had great Pharaoh-mones
431
432	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft1yxm/why_did_egyptian_royalty_have_an_easy_time/
433	%
434	My wife offered me a blowjob today.
435
436	‘Really’ I said
437	‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’
438	That’ll teach her to be funny
439
440	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft1o1w/my_wife_offered_me_a_blowjob_today/
441	%
442	A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.
443
444	Now he’s in a pickle.
445
446	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft10kc/a_man_who_lived_by_the_sea_grew_a_cucumber_so/
447	%
448	A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
449
450	The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
451	As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok..." says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses,
452	"You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
453
454	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0qtq/a_cowboy_is_captured_by_indians_the_chief_tells/
455	%
456	Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations?
457
458	They can cube the number 2.
459
460	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0e1m/did_you_know_that_wombats_are_capable_of_complex/
461	%
462	Do you ever wonder "Who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing?"
463
464	Well, mind your own business.
465
466	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0ch3/do_you_ever_wonder_who_am_i_where_am_i_going_what/
467	%
468	A woman is giving birth to her child
469
470	And finally, after much effort and pain, the doctor manages to help deliver the baby. The Doctor then proceeds to chuck the baby out of the window.
471	W: "Why? Why did you do that to my poor baby, you monster?"
472	The Doctor laughs maniacally and replies "April Fool's! He was already dead."
473
474	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0axc/a_woman_is_giving_birth_to_her_child/
475	%
476	What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?
477
478	Halloumi
479
480	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft07qs/what_did_the_cheese_say_when_it_saw_itself_in_the/
481	%
482	A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...
483
484	He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.
485	The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.
486	The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical.
487	The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables.
488	After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception.
489	The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
490
491	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszz6t/a_man_visits_a_wise_man_and_meets_his_three/
492	%
493	Thought of this one on my own when I was a youngster.
494
495	Why did the artist lose the gun fight?
496	He didn't draw his gun fast enough!
497
498	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszxcn/thought_of_this_one_on_my_own_when_i_was_a/
499	%
500	Grandma in Court
501
502	Defense Attorney:
503	Will you please state your age?
504	Little Old Lady:
505	I am 94 years old.
506	Defense Attorney:
507	Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
508	Little Old Lady:
509	There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
510	when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
511	Defense Attorney:
512	Did you know him?
513	Little Old Lady:
514	No, but he sure was friendly.
515	Defense Attorney:
516	What happened after he sat down?
517	Little Old Lady:
518	He started to rub my thigh.
519	Defense Attorney:
520	Did you stop him?
521	Little Old Lady:
522	No, I didn't stop him.
523	Defense Attorney:
524	Why not?
525	Little Old Lady:
526	It felt good.
527	Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
528	Defense Attorney:
529	What happened next?
530	Little Old Lady:
531	He began to rub my breasts.
532	Defense Attorney:
533	Did you stop him then?
534	Little Old Lady:
535	No, I did not stop him.
536	Defense Attorney:
537	Why not?
538	Little Old Lady:
539	His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
540	I haven't felt that good in years!
541	Defense Attorney:
542	What happened next?
543	Little Old Lady:
544	Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him,
545	'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
546	Defense Attorney:
547	Did he take you?
548	Little Old Lady:
549	Hell, no!
550	He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
551	And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
552
553	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszwxp/grandma_in_court/
554	%
555	Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...
556
557	..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.
558	Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000.
559	Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M).
560	Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls
561	-"Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!" - says the soldier in charge of the measurement.
562	-"No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!" - answers the colonel.
563	The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "Wait...where are your balls?!"
564	-"I lost them in Vietnam"
565
566	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszw6c/three_american_colonels_are_in_the_us_about_to/
567	%
568	They should put all COVID-19 patients to las vegas
569
570	What happens in vegas stays in vegas
571
572	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszrku/they_should_put_all_covid19_patients_to_las_vegas/
573	%
574	Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer."
575
576	Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"
577	Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"
578	Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"
579	Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas."
580
581	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszoxm/doctor_im_sorry_to_say_youve_got_lung_cancer/
582	%
583	A man is suing another man for a car crash....
584
585	Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it!
586	lawyer: how high can you raise it now?
587	the man raises his hand to a very low place
588	lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash?
589	the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go.
590
591	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszlse/a_man_is_suing_another_man_for_a_car_crash/
592	%
593	How can you tell if a soprano is at your front door?
594
595	She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
596
597	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszl99/how_can_you_tell_if_a_soprano_is_at_your_front/
598	%
599	How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
600
601	only one cause they don't like to share the spot light
602
603	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszjxu/how_many_actors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/
604	%
605	Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..
606
607	They’re calling it The Manhattan.
608
609	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszhox/doctors_in_new_york_have_come_up_with_a_cocktail/
610	%
611	Beautiful But
612
613	A lady goes to a tattoo parlor to get Beautiful Butt tattooed on her behind in large letters because her husband keeps telling her what a Beautiful Butt she has. The tattoo artist convinces her that Beautiful Butt in large letters may not look to good with a big crack going down through the middle of the tattoo. So they decide on a big B on each but check.After she gets the tattoo she goes home and gets ready to surprise her husband. She gets naked and waits at the top of stairs for him to come in from work.Her husband opens the front door, steps in and sees her naked at he top of the stairs. She says,”I have a surprise for you honey.” Turns around and bends over. Her husband looks at her ass and says,”Bob, Bob, who in the hell is Bob!”
614
615	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszf3j/beautiful_but/
616	%
617	What kind of jokes are allowed during the quarantine?
618
619	Inside jokes
620
621	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszb7d/what_kind_of_jokes_are_allowed_during_the/
622	%
623	What do they call it when your eye is infected with COVID-19?
624
625	Corona-Iris. I'll see myself out.
626
627	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz6fd/what_do_they_call_it_when_your_eye_is_infected/
628	%
629	911: 911, what is your emergency?
630
631	Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!
632	911: How do you know he was a painter?
633	Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job.
634
635	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz678/911_911_what_is_your_emergency/
636	%
637	Why can't ants get sick from Coronavirus?
638
639	Because they have little anty-bodies.
640
641	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz5se/why_cant_ants_get_sick_from_coronavirus/
642	%
643	The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention
644
645	The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."
646
647	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyxhp/the_spoon_in_a_waiters_pocket_catches_the/
648	%
649	Why did the pilot get sick?
650
651	Because he flu
652
653	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyrjh/why_did_the_pilot_get_sick/
654	%
655	Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed
656
657	This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:
658	“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:
659	“Actually, I’m going to this party at 8pm at this address. You should come by!”
660	So he finishes with work, and goes home. He tidied up, gets dressed, and gets ready for the party.
661	8pm rolls by, and he gets to the address. It’s got a neon sign labeled “The Joke.” He doesn’t know anyone there except for the frosted cheerio, and he just kind of wants to leave. She comes up to him and says:
662	“So glad you could come! Are you having a good time?”
663	“Not really. I don’t know anyone here except for you. I think I’m just gonna get some punch.” He says.
664	“Ooh, grab me a glass, would you?” She says.
665	So he goes up to the table with all the drinks and snacks and such, but there isn’t anyone there. He grabs two glasses and promptly gets back to the frosted cheerio.
666	“So, how’d it go?” Says the frosted cheerio.
667	“Smoothly. There wasn’t even a line.” He replies.
668	“Really?” She has a look of pure astonishment for some reason.
669	“Yeah. The joke doesn’t have a punchline.”
670
671	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymst/told_this_joke_every_summer_as_a_camp_counselor/
672	%
673	what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho
674
675	full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me
676	I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.
677	When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.
678	He didn't go on holiday to Spain, France or even the Lake District. No, his family holidays were centred around the agricultural shows, especially the Great Yorkshire Show and the Appleby Show.
679	Sometimes, the tractor salesmen would even let him go for a ride on a tractor while they moved them about the ground!
680	As he grew up, his love for tractors never waned or faded, and was just as strong on his wedding day as when he was a child, to the point, he didn't have wedding cars, but tractors!
681	On his honeymoon, he and his new wife travelled north to stay at Appleby Manor Hotel and go to the show, telling everyone that they were honeymooning.
682	One of the salesmen, who'd known him for years, asked if he'd like to drive his new wife around the showground in the newest machine.
683	Obviously, he leapt at the chance! To take control of a tractor? This was a dream come true!
684	So, he and his wife climbed aboard and he drove a full circuit of the ground, loving every single second.
685	Of course, it couldn't last forever and all too soon, they got back to the salesman. They jumped down and thanked the salesman gratefully. The salesman asked if they'd like a photo with the tractor. Of course, they said yes and they stood next to the tractor, he with his hand on the step in front of the big wheel and his wife to the outside.
686	Unknown to anyone, he had forgotten to put the handbrake on and a sudden gust of wind, combined with the slight incline the tractor was on caused it to roll forward.
687	Before anyone realised what was happening, he'd slipped on the grass and the big wheel had run straight over him.
688	The Great North Air Ambulance service was in attendance and flew him straight to the Cumberland Infirmary at Carlisle. Nearly every bone in his body was broken, several of organs were damaged and he had huge internal bleeding.
689	It took hours of surgery to stabilise his condition, followed by a medically induced coma lasting several weeks and repeated surgical treatments to realign bones and repair what damage they could.
690	He then was put into an intense physiotherapy regime to teach him to walk and rebuild the strength he had lost over the past six months.
691	Obviously, all this time in the hospital gave him a lot of time to think about his life and he came to the realisation that being such a huge fan of tractors had been a massive waste of time and had, in the end, cost him a lot more than it had ever been worth. He vowed, silently, to leave his obsession behind and move on with a more normal life.
692	As he laid in his hospital bed, day after day, week after week, month after month, subsisting on the hospital food and whatever his beloved and devoted wife bought to him, he realised that when he got out of there, what he really fancied was a proper pie and a pint in a proper pub.
693	So when the day came, and he was finally discharged from the loving care of the infirmary, he hurpled on his stick across the road to the pub he'd seen. He got his pint from the bar, ordered a steak and ale pie with creamy mash, peas and gravy and took a seat at a table next to the window.
694	He was sipping away, soaking up the ambiance and listening to the old man at the end of the bar put the world to rights, when the door to the kitchen flew open and a huge billow of smoke plumed into the bar and filled the room.
695	Everyone was panicking, trying to get out of the pub, but not my mate.
696	He just calmly stood up, using the table for support and opened the window. He turned his head into the smoke and inhaled deeply, turned back to the window and blew out. He did this twice more and the smoke was gone.
697	Everyone just stopped and looked at him. After a moment the bartender spoke, “How the fuck did you do that???”
698	“Easy,” replied my friend, as he took his seat and picked up his pint, “I'm an ex tractor fan.”
699
700	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymm8/what_a_set_up_for_a_dad_joke_its_worth_it_tho/
701	%
702	Wedding
703
704	The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
705	The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
706	The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
707	The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
708	The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
709	"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"
710
711	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy3cb/wedding/
712	%
713	Mickey Mouse wakes up on a snowy day and looks out his window.
714
715	He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops.
716	After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad news is, it was Minnie's hand writing. "
717
718	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxx82/mickey_mouse_wakes_up_on_a_snowy_day_and_looks/
719	%
720	While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,
721
722	their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
723	"My name is Joshua. What’s yours?" asked the first boy.
724	"Adam," replied the second.
725	"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
726	Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
727	"Honest?" asked Joshua.
728	"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
729
730	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxnjh/while_two_families_were_waiting_in_line_to_see/
731	%
732	3 young men were lost in the desert without any food and water.
733
734	After almost a full day of trying to find their way out, they stumbled across a small house. The 3 young men decided to see if there was any way they could get any help, including some drinks and a meal. After knocking on the door, the ugliest, most wrinkly, stinkiest women answered the door.
735	Man #1: “So sorry to interrupt you this evening, but my two friends and I are stranded in this desert. Could we possibly use your phone and have a snack and some water"
736	Lady: “Of course. I would be happy to help you handsome young me out! I actually just brewed some tea and made meatloaf. But first, one of you guys has to fuck me.”
737	The 3 young men looked at each other, almost vomiting at the idea of sticking their dick inside this vile woman.
738	Man #1: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I have a girl friend.”
739	He walks away, tapping his friends shoulder.
740	Man #2: “Yeah. I’m gay so I won’t be able to get hard.”
741	He walks away, joining his other friend.
742	Man #3: “I will do it. But you have to wear a blindfold.”
743	Lady: “That’s just fine sweetie. Come on in.”
744	Man #3 walks inside with the Lady while his other two friends stick outside. The ugly lady undresses, puts a blindfold on, and hands him a condom. He takes a corn on the cob from the pantry and inserts it into the lady, using it as a dildo. The lady screams and moans while the man is trying not to gag from the smell. After she orgasms, he throws the corn on the cob out of the window and stuffs the unused condom in his pocket.
745	Lady: “Wow that was absolutely amazing. Here is some meatloaf and a thermos of iced tea. My phone is on the countertop right over there”
746	After making some phone calls to his family and checking the gps to figure out how to get home, he walks outside with the meatloaf and some cold tea and walks around the corner of the house to find his friends.
747	Man #3: “Hey guys, look how good this meatloaf looks!”
748	Man #2: “Man, I don’t know about you. But we just shared the best buttered corn in our lives!”
749
750	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx8v5/3_young_men_were_lost_in_the_desert_without_any/
751	%
752	A Religious Woman Get Married at 17
753
754	She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him.
755	He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side.
756	One year later she gets called to Heaven.
757	At her funeral, the Priest says, "Let us thank our Father in Heaven that they're finally together."
758	After the service, one of her children walks up to the Priest and asks, "When you said, 'Thank God they're together,' did you mean her and her first husband or her and her second husband?"
759	The Priest says, "...I meant her legs."
760
761	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx5h7/a_religious_woman_get_married_at_17/
762	%
763	A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.
764
765	"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.
766	"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.
767	Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"
768	"your husband did."
769	Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?"
770	"i cook better than you, madam."
771	"who said that?"
772	"Your husband did."
773	A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat.
774	"Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly.
775	"i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid.
776	With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?"
777	The maid answered, "no, the gardener did."
778	"Oh, so how much do you want?"
779
780	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx13r/a_gorgeous_maid_met_her_madam_and_asked_for_a_pay/
781	%
782	Why did the queen felt depressed lately?
783
784	Because she is in a midlife-crisis
785
786	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx002/why_did_the_queen_felt_depressed_lately/
787	%
788	Why did the people who moved constantly never get angry?
789
790	Because they were no-mads
791
792	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswxzr/why_did_the_people_who_moved_constantly_never_get/
793	%
794	A guy almost lost all his money on Reddit.
795
796	To read the second part please input your credit card information bellow.
797
798	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswl8s/a_guy_almost_lost_all_his_money_on_reddit/
799	%
800	Since lockdown began, I've started making home movies...
801
802	You could say I've became a regular Tentin Quarantino.
803
804	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswgcf/since_lockdown_began_ive_started_making_home/
805	%
806	I wish I could be ugly for just one day
807
808	Because honestly, being ugly everyday sucks.
809
810	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswery/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_just_one_day/
811	%
812	A man's wife goes missing...
813
814	Husband:
815	My wife is missing.
816	She went out yesterday and has not come home...
817	Sergeant at Police Station:
818	What is her height?
819	Husband:
820	Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
821	Sergeant:
822	Weight?
823	Husband:
824	Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
825	Sergeant:
826	Colour of eyes?
827	Husband:
828	Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
829	Sergeant:
830	Colour of hair?
831	Husband:
832	Changes a couple times a year.
833	Maybe dark brown now.
834	I can’t remember.
835	Sergeant:
836	What was she wearing?
837	Husband:
838	Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
839	Sergeant:
840	What kind of car did she go in?
841	Husband:
842	She went in my Audi
843	Sergeant:
844	What kind of Audi was it?
845	Husband: (sobbing)
846	Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
847	Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter
848	(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
849	Sergeant:
850	Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi
851
852	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswa5p/a_mans_wife_goes_missing/
853	%
854	My wife complained that I never finish anything
855
856	So I replied wi
857
858	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsw7w7/my_wife_complained_that_i_never_finish_anything/
859	%
860	How do you get rid of a republican?
861
862	You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.
863
864	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsw1t9/how_do_you_get_rid_of_a_republican/
865	%
866	What do you call an orgy between planets?
867
868	The Big Bang.
869
870	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsvriu/what_do_you_call_an_orgy_between_planets/
871	%
872	Why do the Swedish military have barcodes on the sides of their ships?
873
874	So when they all return to port, they can Scandinavian.
875
876	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsvkwo/why_do_the_swedish_military_have_barcodes_on_the/
877	%
878	I’ve been off my OCD pills for more than a year now!
879
880	(Or 374 days, 7 hours and 3 minutes to be exact)
881
882	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsuqk1/ive_been_off_my_ocd_pills_for_more_than_a_year_now/
883	%
884	A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes
885
886	She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.
887	The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.
888	The second man has a purple jumpsuit on and black adidas. He offers her a job coaching a middle school track team. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.
889	The third man is tall and skinny, wearing a big trench coat and with a greasy slicked down mustache. He offers her a job doing kinky knee videos for a very niche crowd of viewers. She has a very pretty set of knees so she agrees.
890	She excels tremendously at her job and within weeks has hundreds of guys paying her for simple videos of her knees! The only issue is, she’s up all night making them. She can’t sleep.
891	She comes down for breakfast one day with black bags under her eyes and her dad says “honey, you absolutely need to get some sleep.”
892	She replies “I can’t! I’m in some knee act”
893
894	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsumjz/a_high_school_girl_decides_she_wants_extra_cash/
895	%
896	The Gates of Heaven
897
898	Three friends Thomas, Arthur, and Frank die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them and tells them that due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, God asked him to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
899	The three friends were sad realizing that all three will not be together anymore, so they ask him how are you going to choose who among us will go through the gates? To which St Peter replied, " If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll go straight to Hell.” The three friends agreed.
900	Thomas stepped in first. He was a philosopher so he said, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, you are going to Hell!”
901	Arthur was next. He was a mathematician so he asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, you are going to Hell!”
902	Finally, Frank stepped in. He asked St peter to bring him a chair and he brought forward a chair. Frank asked him to drill 20 holes on the chair, he did just that.
903	Frank then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”
904	St. Peter inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the top-right.”
905	“Wrong,” said Frank, “It’s wrong.”
906	“It came out from my asshole.”
907	And Frank went to Heaven.
908
909	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsu453/the_gates_of_heaven/
910	%
911	Where is the worst place you can go?
912
913	In your pants.
914	(From my 5 year old daughter, now much older)
915
916	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstw8x/where_is_the_worst_place_you_can_go/
917	%
918	What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
919
920	Crabs on your organ
921
922	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstuau/whats_worse_than_lobsters_on_your_piano/
923	%
924	How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb
925
926	Only two but you have to wonder how they got in there
927
928	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstbpd/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/
929	%
930	We're sorry to announce that April fools has been postponed.
931
932	Due to the recent coronavirus crisis, April fools has been postponed to May 1st, 2020.
933	Thanks for your cooperation.
934
935	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fst9wa/were_sorry_to_announce_that_april_fools_has_been/
936	%
937	Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
938
939	Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
940
941	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fst7xv/alright_2020_youve_had_your_fun/
942	%
943	In highschool, I won the "most secretive" award!
944
945	I can't tell you how much it meant to me.
946
947	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssydp/in_highschool_i_won_the_most_secretive_award/
948	%
949	A dude walks up to a woman at a party...
950
951	"Of all the ladies at this party, you're average", he said.
952	The woman replied, "You are mean".
953	And he said, "No, you are".
954
955	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssu9u/a_dude_walks_up_to_a_woman_at_a_party/
956	%
957	A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.
958
959	Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
960	So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
961	Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
962	His answer to the question: "What chair?"
963
964	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssqqc/a_philosophy_professor_walks_in_to_give_his_class/
965	%
966	Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?
967
968	She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"
969
970	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssll8/why_did_snow_white_get_kicked_out_of_disneyland/
971	%
972	I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...
973
974	...I’m going to call it Herb Your Enthusiasm.
975
976	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssl2m/i_want_to_open_a_dispensary_for_people_who_like/
977	%
978	Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive?
979
980	Attempted murder.
981	There was probable caws.
982
983	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssdfp/why_did_the_cops_arrest_the_two_crows_before_more/
984	%
985	A neutron was pulled over by a cop
986
987	There were no charges
988
989	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fss6f9/a_neutron_was_pulled_over_by_a_cop/
990	%
991	Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.
992
993	He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."
994	The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"
995	They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
996	He answers, "I'm Boris Johnson."
997
998	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fss1pk/three_men_are_sitting_in_a_hospital_room_the/
999	%
1000	What did the lovebirds eat in quarantine when their plans for Las Vegas were canceled?
1001
1002	Cantaloupe.
1003
1004	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrzte/what_did_the_lovebirds_eat_in_quarantine_when/
1005	%
1006	My ex has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh...
1007
1008	I shit you not, when you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.
1009
1010	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsru9r/my_ex_has_a_tattoo_of_a_shell_on_her_inner_thigh/
1011	%
1012	Little Boy
1013
1014	A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
1015	"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
1016	"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
1017	''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
1018
1019	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrpjr/little_boy/
1020	%
1021	I’ve always wanted to have Parkinson’s
1022
1023	Just to shake thing up a bit
1024
1025	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrlcm/ive_always_wanted_to_have_parkinsons/
1026	%
1027	Parents should wake their kids up early tomorrow and tell them to get ready for school because coronavirus was canceled
1028
1029	April Fool's
1030
1031	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrhry/parents_should_wake_their_kids_up_early_tomorrow/
1032	%
1033	I know I've never been all that attractive
1034
1035	But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague
1036
1037	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrhcb/i_know_ive_never_been_all_that_attractive/
1038	%
1039	What did the doe (female deer) say as she was coming out of the woods?
1040
1041	I'll never do that for two bucks again
1042
1043	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrgrt/what_did_the_doe_female_deer_say_as_she_was/
1044	%
1045	Made this one up a couple months ago walking my daughter home from school after a snow day...
1046
1047	My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke.
1048	If a chair made of snow is a snair,
1049	And a table made of snow is a snable,
1050	What is a house made of snow?
1051	.
1052	.
1053	.
1054	.
1055	.
1056	An igloo of course!!!
1057	(I bet you thought snouse!!)
1058	Posting today as I just realized it’s my cake day!!!
1059
1060	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsre9r/made_this_one_up_a_couple_months_ago_walking_my/
1061	%
1062	Game Warden
1063
1064	Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
1065	A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
1066	“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
1067	“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
1068	“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
1069	The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”
1070
1071	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrb3i/game_warden/
1072	%
1073	April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus.
1074
1075	Everything you'll hear is true.
1076
1077	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsr8x8/april_fools_day_has_been_cancelled_due_to/
1078	%
1079	My son is such a miserable c*nt
1080
1081	Bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
1082
1083	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqx1l/my_son_is_such_a_miserable_cnt/
1084	%
1085	Teddy Roosevelt: what should we name the president's house?
1086
1087	guy who named the blueberry: what colour is it?
1088
1089	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqx0m/teddy_roosevelt_what_should_we_name_the/
1090	%
1091	“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
1092
1093	“You herd me.”
1094
1095	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqv2k/i_love_my_job_exclaimed_the_farmer_all_you_do_is/
1096	%
1097	A man carefully looking through his marriage certificate
1098
1099	His wife asked: What are you looking for?
1100	Man answered: Searched through this for 3 hours and found no GODDAMN Expiration date!!!
1101
1102	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqtqq/a_man_carefully_looking_through_his_marriage/
1103	%
1104	My wife said she thinks she saw people with blue-colored skin
1105
1106	I told her "It's just a pigment of your imagination"
1107
1108	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqnii/my_wife_said_she_thinks_she_saw_people_with/
1109	%
1110	Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework?
1111
1112	Only a Sith deals in absolutes
1113
1114	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsql3h/why_did_young_ewan_mcgregor_refuse_to_do_algebra/
1115	%
1116	Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?
1117
1118	So you know that it's time to change the channel.
1119
1120	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqj1l/why_does_dj_khaled_shout_his_name_at_the/
1121	%
1122	3 Engineers
1123
1124	are discussing God and the human body.
1125	The first Engineer says God has to be an Electrical Engineer, who else could wire up such a complicated system?
1126	The second Engineer says God has to be a Structural Engineer, who else could build such a strong and sturdy frame?
1127	The third Engineer says you are both wrong. God IS a Civil Engineer, who else would run a sewer line through a recreational area?!
1128
1129	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqfg2/3_engineers/
1130	%
1131	I asked a grocery store worker where I could find cakes, pastries and Twinkies and the like and he took me over to the right place, telling me this is the proper spot but then left me before I could find what I was looking for and I couldn't leave until I found it.
1132
1133	So, yes, I was stranded on a desserted aisle.
1134
1135	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqf9i/i_asked_a_grocery_store_worker_where_i_could_find/
1136	%
1137	I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
1138
1139	She said: “in a mirror”
1140	This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
1141
1142	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq7yy/i_was_doing_a_pretend_job_interview_with_my_6/
1143	%
1144	The end is neigh
1145
1146	bors
1147
1148	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq6cm/the_end_is_neigh/
1149	%
1150	A little old lady sold pretzels on the corner for fifty cents each
1151
1152	A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel.
1153	This went on for nearly five years.
1154	Even though they never spoke, every day he'd leave fifty cents, they'd make eye contact, and she would nod her gratitude as he walked away without a pretzel.
1155	Finally one day, as the lawyer passed her stand and laid down his two quarters, the pretzel woman spoke to him.
1156	"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are my best customer, but you need to know something. The price of pretzels has gone up to seventy-five cents."
1157
1158	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq4z8/a_little_old_lady_sold_pretzels_on_the_corner_for/
1159	%
1160	They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink?
1161
1162	Put it in a blender
1163
1164	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq28i/they_say_you_can_lead_a_horse_to_water_but_how_do/
1165	%
1166	I asked my sister how her blind date went
1167
1168	"Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about \that\?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.
1169
1170	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspyp5/i_asked_my_sister_how_her_blind_date_went/
1171	%
1172	My parents said I could go outside but had to stay 6 feet away from everyone
1173
1174	So I went for a nice walk around the cemetery
1175
1176	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsprjg/my_parents_said_i_could_go_outside_but_had_to/
1177	%
1178	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
1179
1180	Just one, but the lightbulb needs to want to truly change.
1181
1182	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspnq7/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/
1183	%
1184	A man is buying a banana, an apple, and two eggs...
1185
1186	The female cashier says, “Wow, you must be single!”
1187	The man answers, “Yes, actually I am. How on earth did you know that?”
1188	Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
1189
1190	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspmwc/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/
1191	%
1192	This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day !
1193
1194	Yesterday he brought a dog along
1195
1196	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsp4t8/this_german_shepherd_comes_has_a_poo_on_my_lawn/
1197	%
1198	Testing trouble.
1199
1200	Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
1201	Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
1202	"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
1203	"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
1204	"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
1205	"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
1206
1207	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsot27/testing_trouble/
1208	%
1209	Starting Salary.
1210
1211	,Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
1212	The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
1213	The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
1214	The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
1215	The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.".
1216
1217	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsos7m/starting_salary/
1218	%
1219	British people be like “I’m bri ish”
1220
1221	Because they drank the t
1222
1223	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoopl/british_people_be_like_im_bri_ish/
1224	%
1225	Ancient Greeks invented sex
1226
1227	And Romans made it fun by adding women into it.....
1228	Until the British came...eh...arrived.
1229
1230	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoo5t/ancient_greeks_invented_sex/
1231	%
1232	A guy was walking home at night.
1233
1234	When out of nowhere a hooker appeared and said “20 dollars.” The man replies “Hmmm... I’ve never been with a hooker before. At that point the man and the hooker walk over to some nearby bushes. They start going at it and about a minute or two in an officer walks over to the bushes and shines his light on the woman’s face. The officer says “What’s going on here?” To the man and the hooker. The man replies “I was making love to my wife.” The officer responds with “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” The man than replies with “Well neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.”
1235
1236	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsom3m/a_guy_was_walking_home_at_night/
1237	%
1238	An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Ukranian man all walk into a pub with their wives.
1239
1240	They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Ukranian man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the bacon, pig?”
1241
1242	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsojb1/an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_ukranian_man/
1243	%
1244	Why should China have a baseball team?
1245
1246	Because they can take out the whole world with just one bat!
1247
1248	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoe4j/why_should_china_have_a_baseball_team/
1249	%
1250	Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus
1251
1252	Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.”
1253	Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”
1254	His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”
1255	Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.
1256	On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.
1257	Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
1258	Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.
1259	Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”
1260	Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”
1261
1262	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsobjc/christmas_was_coming_and_little_johnnys_mom_and/
1263	%
1264	What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
1265
1266	Twobearculosis.
1267
1268	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoa6d/what_do_you_call_a_bacterial_disease_caused_by/
1269	%
1270	Why is every gender equality officer female?
1271
1272	Because it's cheaper.
1273
1274	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fso9io/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/
1275	%
1276	I told my wife to flatten her curves
1277
1278	Now we are socially distanced
1279
1280	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fso7ck/i_told_my_wife_to_flatten_her_curves/
1281	%
1282	My boxing student quit so I think I’m going to replace her with my stylist.
1283
1284	I remember that she said she was proud of her bob and weave.
1285
1286	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnr70/my_boxing_student_quit_so_i_think_im_going_to/
1287	%
1288	A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."
1289
1290	The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."
1291	"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.
1292	"Why?" the doctor inquired.
1293	"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.
1294
1295	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnimq/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_and_told_him_every_night/
1296	%
1297	My girlfriend and I are practicing social distancing
1298
1299	Or as she calls it breaking up with me
1300
1301	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnhdn/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_practicing_social/
1302	%
1303	Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine?
1304
1305	Because it was a naan-Essential business.
1306
1307	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnegs/why_did_the_quarantine_shut_down_the_indian/
1308	%
1309	Why was Heisenberg a poor lover?
1310
1311	When he had the position, he couldn't find the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
1312
1313	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsna07/why_was_heisenberg_a_poor_lover/
1314	%
1315	Jim moves to a small village for a new job...
1316
1317	... And the village has no women - only men and animals.
1318	Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?"
1319	The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there."
1320	Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to himself, "God! These barbarians are practicing bestiality! How terrible!"
1321	However, after months of living in the village, the horse looks more and more attractive. One day, the man can't take it anymore and asks the head of the village if he can use the horse for sex. The leader agrees, and so he sends a team of volunteers, headed by Jim, to use the horse.
1322	As they approach the horse, Jim takes off his pants and starts boinking this horse.
1323	"What are you doing?" exclaimed the rest of the team, "We don't fuck the horse; we ride it to the next town over!"
1324
1325	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsn6er/jim_moves_to_a_small_village_for_a_new_job/
1326	%
1327	The peculiar tale of Hyman Goldfarb
1328
1329	During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.
1330	On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.
1331	"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"
1332	"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."
1333	"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."
1334	"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"
1335	Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"
1336	"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh.
1337	Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."
1338	At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh."
1339	The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?"
1340
1341	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsmoxj/the_peculiar_tale_of_hyman_goldfarb/
1342	%
1343	In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.
1344
1345	Just treat it like it's any other day.
1346	Have fun!
1347
1348	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fslvls/in_honor_of_the_eve_of_april_fools_day_just/
1349	%
1350	The words I'm sorry and I apologize mean the exact same thing...
1351
1352	...well except at funeral.
1353
1354	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fslbyw/the_words_im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_exact/
1355	%
1356	Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?
1357
1358	Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.
1359
1360	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsl4j7/have_you_heard_what_happen_to_mike_tysons_strip/
1361	%
1362	If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're.
1363
1364	Their, I finally said it.
1365
1366	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskttg/if_you_re_bored_during_lock_down_try_finally/
1367	%
1368	A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.
1369
1370	One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”
1371	“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to tell you is a secret, so you mustn’t share this with anyone. Not a SOUL. Don’t tell your father, don’t tell the tortoise down the street, nobody. Do you understand?”
1372	“Yes,” said the chick.
1373	“Well, your brother, he’s adapted.”
1374
1375	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskrsg/a_mother_galapagos_finch_has_two_chicks/
1376	%
1377	What do you call two ants who have a baby together?
1378
1379	Pair ants
1380
1381	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskj9q/what_do_you_call_two_ants_who_have_a_baby_together/
1382	%
1383	I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places.
1384
1385	He told me to stop going to those places.
1386
1387	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjvbb/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_arm_in_2_places/
1388	%
1389	Surprising horse
1390
1391	A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside.
1392	They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to buy it, along with with a wide array of farm animals. A few months later, when they are settled in, they decide to invite the local vicar and his wife around for Sunday lunch in an effort to get to know their neighbours.
1393	Before the meal, John, Sarah, the vicar and his wife were sitting around the kitchen table talking, when the door suddenly flew open and in rushed Jimmy shouting "mum, dad, the bull is f**cking the cow!" John and Sarah were horrified and embarrassed that their guests should hear such coarse language. They both apologised profusely to the vicar and his wife and asked if lunch could be postponed to the following Sunday.
1394	Meanwhile, John and Sarah took Jimmy to one side and said, "Jimmy, it would have been so much better if you had told us that the bull was 'surprising' the cow instead of using the word you did".
1395	Next Sunday, just as before, the couple, as well as the vicar and his wife were sitting chatting before lunch, when again the door burst suddenly open and in rushed Jimmy breathlessly announcing "mum, dad, the bull is surprising all the cows", "He can't be surprising all the cows" said his mother, "He is mum" said Jimmy," He's f**cking the horse!".
1396	(Not my joke; copypasta from elsewhere)
1397
1398	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjuph/surprising_horse/
1399	%
1400	Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"
1401
1402	I thought, "I can't turn that down"
1403
1404	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjsmb/yesterday_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/
1405	%
1406	Chinese medicine
1407
1408	The Brit expat couple had great jobs in Hong Kong, but after at time the man noted a problem. His wife seemed less interested in having sex with him. He went to see an ancient Chinese man, a practitioner of Confucian holistic medicine.
1409	"So simple," the sage said. "Rule of nine. Make move nine times, then change. Plant jade stalk in flowering lotus hard and fast, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. Then pause for count of nine. Then do oh-so-slow for nine. Than pause . Then change position from on top to on side. Same. Than change from on side to like doggies. Then same. Keep up for 90 minutes. Do this, she go wild for you."
1410	The Brit paid the sage, went home, and tried it. As promised, his wife went wild. At the end she rolled over, sweaty, limp, and half conscious, and asked her adoring husband "Herbert, that was fantastic.
1411	How EVER did you learn to fuck like a Chinaman?"
1412
1413	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjq0t/chinese_medicine/
1414	%
1415	Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates
1416
1417	It doesn't last long for fat people
1418
1419	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjovg/momma_always_said_life_was_like_a_box_of/
1420	%
1421	Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?
1422
1423	He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
1424
1425	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjlzd/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/
1426	%
1427	Don't Lie to Your Mom
1428
1429	Could have been posted before, however here it goes...
1430	Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
1431	About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
1432	So he sat down and wrote :
1433	\----------------------
1434	Dear Mother:
1435	I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
1436	Love, Kumar
1437	\----------------------
1438	Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which reads :
1439	\----------------------
1440	Dear Son:
1441	I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow.
1442	Love, Mom.
1443
1444	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsj1wr/dont_lie_to_your_mom/
1445	%
1446	As of today, I am cancer free!!!
1447
1448	(I never had cancer, just wanted to announce I'm cancer free)
1449
1450	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsicy4/as_of_today_i_am_cancer_free/
1451	%
1452	Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.
1453
1454	While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him: "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.”
1455	The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?”
1456	The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that risk.”
1457
1458	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsi8dd/donald_trump_goes_on_a_factfinding_visit_to_israel/
1459	%
1460	What is the German term for food shortages?
1461
1462	Wurst Käse Scenario.
1463
1464	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshsjb/what_is_the_german_term_for_food_shortages/
1465	%
1466	What do you call a black man and a Chinese man stuck in traffic?
1467
1468	Rush hour
1469
1470	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshr7m/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_and_a_chinese_man/
1471	%
1472	Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
1473
1474	Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust
1475	Herpilations 4:20
1476
1477	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshpl1/ashes_to_ashes_dust_to_dust/
1478	%
1479	The golden rule of having sex with twins
1480
1481	You can't come between them
1482
1483	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshpat/the_golden_rule_of_having_sex_with_twins/
1484	%
1485	Did you know the Canary Islands have no canaries? Same with the Virgin Islands.
1486
1487	No canaries.
1488
1489	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshoxj/did_you_know_the_canary_islands_have_no_canaries/
1490	%
1491	There are three types of people in this world
1492
1493	The people who can count
1494	And the people who can’t
1495
1496	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsho8k/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/
1497	%
1498	If you are looking for alphabet jokes,
1499
1500	the joke is on U.
1501
1502	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshmaz/if_you_are_looking_for_alphabet_jokes/
1503	%
1504	do you know how they lined up the snobby prisoners?
1505
1506	they did it in con-descending order
1507
1508	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshl76/do_you_know_how_they_lined_up_the_snobby_prisoners/
1509	%
1510	Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac
1511
1512	They always take things literally
1513
1514	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshc1f/never_tell_a_pun_to_a_kleptomaniac/
1515	%
1516	The guilt from stealing and eating a whole peach is getting to me
1517
1518	It's like theres a pit in my stomach
1519
1520	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshbyj/the_guilt_from_stealing_and_eating_a_whole_peach/
1521	%
1522	I hate people that say age is just a number
1523
1524	Age is clearly a word
1525
1526	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsh92s/i_hate_people_that_say_age_is_just_a_number/
1527	%
1528	The "teen" years of the 21st century didn’t end in 2019 like they were supposed to
1529
1530	Twenty-Thir TEEN
1531	Twenty-Four TEEN
1532	Twenty-Fif TEEN
1533	Twenty-Six TEEN
1534	Twenty-Seven TEEN
1535	Twenty-Eight TEEN
1536	Twenty-Nine TEEN
1537	Quar-an TEEN
1538
1539	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgype/the_teen_years_of_the_21st_century_didnt_end_in/
1540	%
1541	A child asked his dad," how are coins made".
1542
1543	The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".
1544	Then the child responded," That makes cents".
1545
1546	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgvpf/a_child_asked_his_dad_how_are_coins_made/
1547	%
1548	What’s a kiss after a blowjob?
1549
1550	Cash back
1551
1552	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgviz/whats_a_kiss_after_a_blowjob/
1553	%
1554	Before Coronavirus I used to cough to cover a fart.
1555
1556	Now I fart to cover a cough.
1557
1558	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgj4a/before_coronavirus_i_used_to_cough_to_cover_a_fart/
1559	%
1560	"Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?"
1561
1562	"Because your mom loves Roses."
1563	"Thanks Dad."
1564	"No problem, John."
1565
1566	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgiqb/dad_why_is_my_sisters_name_rose/
1567	%
1568	I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd ever been with.
1569
1570	She said yes, all the others were at least sevens or eights.
1571
1572	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgd7y/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed/
1573	%
1574	" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me
1575
1576	I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not
1577
1578	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfzt0/im_on_tinder_just_to_see_how_tinder_actually/
1579	%
1580	April showers bring May flowers. What do Mayflowers bring?
1581
1582	Smallpox.
1583
1584	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfzi6/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do/
1585	%
1586	My Wife is missing.
1587
1588	Husband:
1589	My wife is missing.
1590	She went out yesterday and has not come home...
1591	Sergeant at Police Station:
1592	What is her height?
1593	Husband:
1594	Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
1595	Sergeant:
1596	Weight?
1597	Husband:
1598	Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
1599	Sergeant:
1600	Colour of eyes?
1601	Husband:
1602	Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
1603	Sergeant:
1604	Colour of hair?
1605	Husband:
1606	Changes a couple times a year.
1607	Maybe dark brown now.
1608	I can’t remember.
1609	Sergeant:
1610	What was she wearing?
1611	Husband:
1612	Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
1613	Sergeant:
1614	What kind of car did she go in?
1615	Husband:
1616	She went in my Audi
1617	Sergeant:
1618	What kind of Audi was it?
1619	Husband: (sobbing)
1620	Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
1621	Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter
1622	(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
1623	Sergeant:
1624	Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi
1625
1626	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfw10/my_wife_is_missing/
1627	%
1628	Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today
1629
1630	So the death row inmates were left hanging.
1631
1632	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfne1/because_of_the_lockdown_the_people_from_the/
1633	%
1634	I just told my best mate how much i love Beyonce.
1635
1636	She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.
1637
1638	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfdlt/i_just_told_my_best_mate_how_much_i_love_beyonce/
1639	%
1640	a blind man walks into a restaurant
1641
1642	A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”
1643
1644	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfbke/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/
1645	%
1646	You know, I don't get this Coronavirus...
1647
1648	Must be an inside joke.
1649
1650	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsf650/you_know_i_dont_get_this_coronavirus/
1651	%
1652	How do you know when its time for bed in Jeffrey Epstine house?
1653
1654	When the big hand touches the little hand.
1655
1656	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsf3g4/how_do_you_know_when_its_time_for_bed_in_jeffrey/
1657	%
1658	i prefer decimals over fractions
1659
1660	fractions are just pointless
1661
1662	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsezd1/i_prefer_decimals_over_fractions/
1663	%
1664	What do programmers eat for breakfast?
1665
1666	Nothing much, just a byte.
1667
1668	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fser8r/what_do_programmers_eat_for_breakfast/
1669	%
1670	How do you know if somebody is curious?
1671
1672	>!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<
1673
1674	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsegbh/how_do_you_know_if_somebody_is_curious/
1675	%
1676	5 years ago, I went to an important job interview
1677
1678	At the end of the interview, he asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
1679	"Probably sitting at home all day playing video games." I told him.
1680	Needless to say, I did not get the job but hey, look where we are now!
1681
1682	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fse5fo/5_years_ago_i_went_to_an_important_job_interview/
1683	%
1684	A teacher asked the class
1685
1686	of first graders for the ones which was idiots to stand up.
1687	After a short while 1 of the students stood up, then the teacher asked him
1688	"Do you think you're an idiot?"
1689	the student then responded
1690	"No, I just felt bad that you had to stand alone"
1691
1692	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fse1dv/a_teacher_asked_the_class/
1693	%
1694	Three prisoners are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
1695
1696	The Italian asks for pepperoni pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
1697	The Frenchmen requests a filet mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
1698	The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
1699	The captors are surprised and reply: “Strawberries?”
1700	“Yes, Strawberries.”
1701	“But they are out of season!”
1702	“I’ll wait.”
1703
1704	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsdx5q/three_prisoners_are_about_to_be_executed_they_are/
1705	%
1706	So there was this man who wanted to be a train conductor (Long)
1707
1708	So he works really hard at it and one day his dream came true. He was driving his train one day when he got distracted and he crashed killing one passenger. In his country the punishment for this is the electric chair. So they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 1 banana. Well it was a strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his banana they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. A year or 2 later he somehow managed to get his job back and was driving the train again and, what do you know he crashed. But this time he killed 2 passengers. Well the trial happened he was getting the electric chair again and they strap him up again and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 2 bananas this time. they thought that it was a really strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his bananas they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. So about 5 years later he managed to get his job back yet again. He is driving again and crashed yet again. Trial happened again he was sentenced to death by the chair again. they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 3 bananas. This time the executioner yells NO BANANAS THIS TIME and turns on the machine. And what do you know the conductor lived. The executioner asks the conductor, "how do you still live?" The conductor replies "I guess I am just a bad conductor".
1709
1710	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsdldt/so_there_was_this_man_who_wanted_to_be_a_train/
1711	%
1712	What's the biggest difference between Communism and Capitalism?
1713
1714	Capitalism uses common sense
1715	Communism uses common cents
1716
1717	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd9y3/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_communism/
1718	%
1719	British people are like: “I’m Bri ish”
1720
1721	...and here’s the t☕️
1722
1723	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd6pi/british_people_are_like_im_bri_ish/
1724	%
1725	A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
1726
1727	The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
1728	He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
1729	They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
1730
1731	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd4ba/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship_in_the/
1732	%
1733	‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor...
1734
1735	It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."
1736	I opened the door.
1737	The light came on.
1738	The beer was cold.
1739	Just what in the hell did she mean?
1740
1741	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd2ua/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_door/
1742	%
1743	As a crowded airliner is about to take off
1744
1745	, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
1746	Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
1747	Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
1748	As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
1749	The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.
1750
1751	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscx9u/as_a_crowded_airliner_is_about_to_take_off/
1752	%
1753	An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
1754
1755	The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?”
1756	The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
1757
1758	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscwvn/an_electron_is_driving_down_a_motorway_and_a/
1759	%
1760	R.Kelly has tested positive..
1761
1762	for SHEWASNT-19
1763
1764	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscup6/rkelly_has_tested_positive/
1765	%
1766	Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
1767
1768	The 1st nurse says "I can't let that go to waste." She rides him. The 2nd nurse does the same. The 3rd nurse hesitates and explains that she is on her period but rides him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologies saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I'm feeling great!"
1769
1770	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscf3m/three_nurses_working_in_a_morgue_discover_a_dead/
1771	%
1772	A frog goes into a bank
1773
1774	and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
1775	"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
1776	Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
1777	Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
1778	The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
1779	Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
1780	She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
1781	The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
1782	Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge. Good luck out there.
1783	Edit 2: Not RIP Inbox, but certainly the highest fever to date. Exceeded 600 upvoted. Thanks!!!!
1784
1785	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscewo/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/
1786	%
1787	I've just got back from Tesco...
1788
1789	I've just got back from Tesco and I've seen a guy buying four crates of San Miguel, five paella’s and three sombreros and I thought to myself...
1790	...Hispanic buying
1791
1792	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsc8jy/ive_just_got_back_from_tesco/
1793	%
1794	I was going to tell a gay joke...
1795
1796	But I couldn’t keep a straight face
1797
1798	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsc3qa/i_was_going_to_tell_a_gay_joke/
1799	%
1800	When COVID is over I’m going to go dancing with random people and insult them.
1801
1802	Social diss dancing.
1803
1804	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbp1t/when_covid_is_over_im_going_to_go_dancing_with/
1805	%
1806	Senior Sex
1807
1808	--
1809	The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
1810	Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
1811	OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
1812	"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
1813	A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
1814	sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
1815	The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
1816	The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
1817	After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
1818	So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
1819	Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
1820	"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
1821
1822	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbjv3/senior_sex/
1823	%
1824	A symptom of Covid-19 is losing your sense of taste
1825
1826	According to my wardrobe I've had it for years!
1827
1828	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbie7/a_symptom_of_covid19_is_losing_your_sense_of_taste/
1829	%
1830	There are two types of people in this world
1831
1832	Avoid both!
1833
1834	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbca3/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/
1835	%
1836	Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and...
1837
1838	All I could do was give them a puzzled look.
1839
1840	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbbmt/somebody_knocked_my_glasses_off_and_the_lenses/
1841	%
1842	Hi everyone just be careful out their
1843
1844	Please Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine no situation is too pressing.
1845
1846	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsb7ov/hi_everyone_just_be_careful_out_their/
1847	%
1848	Hi, Im William and Im so grateful god gave me two eyes
1849
1850	Without them I'd be just Wllam
1851
1852	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsauf0/hi_im_william_and_im_so_grateful_god_gave_me_two/
1853	%
1854	I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances
1855
1856	certain circumstances
1857	funny
1858
1859	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsatfq/i_wasnt_sure_if_i_should_post_this_here_because/
1860	%
1861	The young couple next door are making sex videos during the lockdown
1862
1863	They just don't know it though...
1864
1865	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsarvn/the_young_couple_next_door_are_making_sex_videos/
1866	%
1867	This social distancing is going too far.
1868
1869	I just went to make a cake and the first line on the packet said separate 2 eggs 🥚<-->🥚
1870
1871	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsahu5/this_social_distancing_is_going_too_far/
1872	%
1873	Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
1874
1875	They just went through a grueling 31 day March.
1876
1877	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsaep3/why_is_everyone_so_tired_on_april_1st/
1878	%
1879	What is the worst combination of two sicknesses?
1880
1881	Diarrhea and Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where.
1882
1883	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsabwq/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_two_sicknesses/
1884	%
1885	A man visits a Doctor
1886
1887	He says "doctor my maid has tested positive for corona virus"
1888	Doctor says "ok she would now have to go in
1889	isolation"
1890	"But sir, I had kissed her"
1891	"No problem, all make mistakes in youth. You are also going in isolation"
1892	"But then I kissed my wife too"
1893	"You crazy bitch, now I also have to go in isolation"
1894
1895	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa43d/a_man_visits_a_doctor/
1896	%
1897	My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."
1898
1899	Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."
1900	She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"
1901	To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
1902
1903	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa3ur/my_wife_said_i_dreamed_they_were_auctioning_off/
1904	%
1905	Jesus and Moses
1906
1907	were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
1908	So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long hair and flowing robes and they just blend in.
1909	Jesus says, “Damn Moses I don’t understand, the last time I was down here people would gather around and praise me.” Moses said, “I know me too. Watch this I’ll show them.”
1910	He walks over, grabs a frisbee And throws it out in the ocean. Walk up to the water, raises his hands and parts the water. He walks out picks up the frisbee, walks back to shore and everyone says, “ Yeah Moses.”
1911	Jesus says that’s pretty good Moses, but watch this.” He grabs the frisbee, throws it out in the ocean, takes off running across the water and just sinks.
1912	Moses walks up to water, raises his hands, parts the water, pulls Jesus up on shore, and pumps the water out of him. Jesus wakes up looks at Moses and says,”I don’t understand Moses, the last time I was down here I used to do this all the time.”
1913	Moses says, “SURE JUSES, BUT THAT’S BEFORE YOU HAD THE HOLES IN YOUR FEET.”
1914
1915	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa1uq/jesus_and_moses/
1916	%
1917	One of the students requested his teacher that he wanted to talk to him after class
1918
1919	Teacher: - "What do you want to talk about?"
1920	Student: - "I think I'm intelligent enough and I should be in a higher class. Can you send me to a higher class?"
1921	The teacher delivered her request to the school director, and the director conducted an interview to assess the student's ability.
1922	Director: - "How much is 3 by 4?"
1923	Student: - "12".
1924	Director: - "Well, how much is 6 by 6?"
1925	Student: - "36".
1926	Director: - "Where is Japan's capital?"
1927	Student: - "Tokyo"
1928	The director questioned for about half an hour and the student made no mistake in answering once.
1929	Then he said to Teacher that if you want to ask anything you can ask.
1930	Teacher: - "Okay, so what is that thing that cows have four and I have two?"
1931	(The director looked at Teacher with surprise).
1932	Student: - "Legs!"
1933	Teacher: - "Exactly, now tell me what's in your pants and not in my pants?"
1934	(Director was shocked and embarrassed).
1935	Student: - "pocket"
1936	Teacher: - "Where do women have curly hair?"
1937	(The director is shocked).
1938	Student: - "In Africa"
1939	Teacher: - "What is the soft thing that becomes hard in the hands of women?"
1940	(The director's heartbeat stopped).
1941	Student: - "Nail polish".
1942	Teacher: - "What is between the legs of women and men?" (Director mumbles).
1943	Student: - "Knees"
1944	Teacher: - "Awesome! Now tell me what is it that a married woman has bigger than a virgin girl?"
1945	(The director's body is dead).
1946	Student: - "A Bed".
1947	Teacher: - "What is the place in my body that causes the highest moisture on the planet?"
1948	(The director looked up at the sky and started shouting to God).
1949	Student: -"Mouth"
1950	After hearing all this, the director said: I don’t deserve to be Director anymore, I am going back to Kindergarten
1951
1952	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9x9k/one_of_the_students_requested_his_teacher_that_he/
1953	%
1954	They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people
1955
1956	They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.
1957
1958	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9wog/they_did_a_study_comparing_the_brains_of_17/
1959	%
1960	Technically we're all Jokers
1961
1962	Cause we're all getting fucked over by a bat man.
1963
1964	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9nju/technically_were_all_jokers/
1965	%
1966	A once small tree house building business exploded into a giant nationwide company.
1967
1968	They have branches everywhere these days.
1969
1970	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9m9n/a_once_small_tree_house_building_business/
1971	%
1972	I've found something a thousand times better than Instagram
1973
1974	Instakilogram
1975
1976	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9hha/ive_found_something_a_thousand_times_better_than/
1977	%
1978	As soon as this Corona thing settles a bit
1979
1980	I'm just gonna stay home for a few days.
1981
1982	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9bht/as_soon_as_this_corona_thing_settles_a_bit/
1983	%
1984	Parrot
1985
1986	It's a woman and it's her birthday, so she decides to go out and buy herself a parrot. She goes to a lot of stores, but she can't find one. Disappointed, she decides to go home. Finally, she sees a pet store where she hasn't been yet so she goes to see if she can find a parrot there. She goes to see the salesman and asks him if he has a parrot.
1987	"No, sorry, I don't."
1988	"But I see one at the back of your shop, it's got a bit of a strange face but well..."
1989	"It's not for sale, it'll get you in trouble."
1990	"I don't care, it's my birthday, I absolutely want one!"
1991	"Well, OK, but he grew up in a brothel, so he's a bit vulgar."
1992	So she buys the parrot and goes home. Then she gets ready to go out to celebrate her birthday with some friends and when she gets to the front door, the parrot starts talking.
1993	"Hey bitch! You're gonna get fucked tonight, aren't you? Bitch..."
1994	She doesn't pay attention to him and leaves. She comes home at 4am and the parrot says to her.
1995	"So bitch? Did you get fucked good?"
1996	She's tired, so she's going to bed. She wakes up the next day and goes to breakfast. There the parrot talks to her again.
1997	"Hey bitch! You're walking funny today, you got fucked really good last night, didn't you? Fucking slut..."
1998	She finally gets mad and goes back to the store where she bought the parrot. She asks the clerk if he has a solution to calm the parrot down.
1999	"I might have something that could work. It's a special black paint, it'll shut him up."
2000	So she goes home and as usual the parrot greets her.
2001	"Hey bitch!"
2002	She takes the paint and paints it black. Then he says nothing more. After a week without him saying anything she goes to him and says.
2003	"Well, asshole? You don't talk now, do you?"
2004	"When I'm in a tuxedo, I don't talk to bitches."
2005
2006	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8qca/parrot/
2007	%
2008	KNOCK KNOCK
2009
2010	Knock, knock!
2011	Who’s there?
2012	Opportunity!
2013	That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!
2014
2015	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8psb/knock_knock/
2016	%
2017	Engineers take a bow!
2018
2019	During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation offered its employees a huge reward to come up with diagnoses. To the surprise of the top engineers, old Jenkins the janitor meekly said he had an idea. Well, desperation breeds opportunities, so they asked him to explain. In reply he merely requested a power drill, and when supplied one he climbed onto the wings of the latest prototype and proceeded to make holes a few inches apart where the wings joined the fuselage. "Now, get your test pilot to fly the fighter", Jenkins advised. Sceptical, but curious, the engineers did. Lo! The jet fighter passed with flying (pun intended) colors. No more wing snapping. Amazed, the engineers surrounded Jenkins amidst all the celebration and asked him how he had hit upon such a clever solution that evaded all the engineering brains. Here is Jenkins' response.
2020	"Ladies and gentlemen, even though I did not not have the benefit of university training like you, I am an observant chappie. You see, as janitor one of my duties is to change the toilet rolls in the loos when they run low.
2021	Now, you know how toliet paper has rows of holes separating sheets?
2022	Well, how often have you seen toilet paper actually tear along these holes?"
2023
2024	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8ivz/engineers_take_a_bow/
2025	%
2026	How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
2027
2028	An NSFW tag
2029
2030	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8bp9/how_do_you_grab_the_attention_of_a_pervert/
2031	%
2032	I feel famous
2033
2034	This entire subreddit is about me.
2035
2036	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs89b3/i_feel_famous/
2037	%
2038	Why can't China play baseball?
2039
2040	Because they will eat the Bat.
2041
2042	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs87gn/why_cant_china_play_baseball/
2043	%
2044	Why every brit says "I'm brii iish"?
2045
2046	I thought they liked t.
2047
2048	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs81fr/why_every_brit_says_im_brii_iish/
2049	%
2050	It was never my intention to be a porn star
2051
2052	Something just came over me.
2053
2054	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7zon/it_was_never_my_intention_to_be_a_porn_star/
2055	%
2056	The Logician Husband
2057
2058	A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
2059	A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
2060	The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
2061	He replied, "They had avocados."
2062
2063	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7z2k/the_logician_husband/
2064	%
2065	The titanic was a good cruise ship and all...
2066
2067	But it's luxury only scratched the tip of the iceberg
2068	I don't need upvotes I need a thank you
2069
2070	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7yv6/the_titanic_was_a_good_cruise_ship_and_all/
2071	%
2072	2 smokers are out on a cruise on a boat.
2073
2074	They realise they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.
2075	Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?
2076	Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”
2077	Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out into the sea.
2078	The boat is now a cigarette lighter.
2079
2080	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7yef/2_smokers_are_out_on_a_cruise_on_a_boat/
2081	%
2082	Don’t die, there is so much to live for...
2083
2084	I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
2085	He said "Why shouldn't I?".
2086	I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
2087	He said, "Like what?"
2088	I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
2089	He said, "Religious."
2090	I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
2091	He said, "Christian."
2092	I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant."
2093	I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!"
2094	I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?"
2095	He said, "Baptist church of god!"
2096	I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?"
2097	He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god!"
2098	I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"
2099	He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
2100	I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off
2101
2102	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7xp1/dont_die_there_is_so_much_to_live_for/
2103	%
2104	African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies
2105
2106	There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its construction that was in keeping with the best of tradition - everything was made of grass and leaves.
2107	One day, the chief was on his throne receiving some ambassadors when the trophy thrones above him proved to be too heavy and the straw paltform collapsed. The thrones fell on him, and sad to say, he joined his ancestors in the happy hunting grounds.
2108	Which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
2109
2110	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7wgl/african_chief_whose_obsession_was_to_conquer/
2111	%
2112	Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?
2113
2114	“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
2115	“No, not a soul, actually.”
2116	“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”
2117
2118	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7w36/excuse_me_sir_have_you_seen_a_police_officer/
2119	%
2120	There’s an unusual hospital
2121
2122	where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.
2123	For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything to do with him.
2124	Days go by and the poor man’s health doesn’t improve. So finally, this one nurse feels sorry for him and brings him home.
2125	When she comes in the next morning, she is smiling and happy. The other nurses ask, “Why are you so happy? Weren’t you with the guy who has ‘Shorty’ tattooed on his penis?”
2126	“Yes,” she says, “but when he became aroused, it said ‘Shorty’s Restaurant and Pizzeria.’”
2127	“. . . established 1922.”
2128	“. . . orders to take out.”
2129	“. . . all baking done on premises.”
2130	“. . . ask about our party platters.”
2131
2132	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7i67/theres_an_unusual_hospital/
2133	%
2134	Why are there no cats on Mars?
2135
2136	Because Curiosity killed the cat!
2137
2138	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6xqt/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/
2139	%
2140	How to make your wife scream
2141
2142	Three men are discussing their sex lives.
2143	The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
2144	The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
2145	The Indian man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with coconut oil, we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours.
2146	The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
2147	He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the curtains ."
2148
2149	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6x6n/how_to_make_your_wife_scream/
2150	%
2151	I have dedicated my entire life to knowing 96% of the alphabet
2152
2153	I really don't know why though
2154
2155	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6x17/i_have_dedicated_my_entire_life_to_knowing_96_of/
2156	%
2157	The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.
2158
2159	But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.
2160
2161	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6sdy/the_u2_spy_plane_took_many_pictures_during_its/
2162	%
2163	In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative.
2164
2165	They always think out of the box.
2166
2167	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6lpe/in_my_opinion_claustrophobics_are_the_most/
2168	%
2169	Whats the meaning of ignorance, and apathy?
2170
2171	I don't know, and i dont care.
2172
2173	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6eqx/whats_the_meaning_of_ignorance_and_apathy/
2174	%
2175	A family were having dinner...
2176
2177	All of a sudden, the 5yo daughter says:
2178	"grandpa is going to die"
2179	Nobody takes her seriously, and they go to bed. In the middle of the night, the hospital calls to tell the father that his own father died. Strange coincidence.
2180	The next day, the family is having dinner again, and this time, the little girl says:
2181	"Grandma is going to die"
2182	Surely enough, in the middle of the night, the phone rings to announce the passing of the mother of the father.
2183	The dad is getting nervous, and when he hears his daughter say:
2184	"My father is going to die"
2185	He shits himself and spends the night writing goodbyes to his family and friends and hugging his wife for his final moments.
2186	Then the phone rings.
2187	The dad picks it up and asks what is wrong:
2188	"Your brother died"
2189
2190	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5w2t/a_family_were_having_dinner/
2191	%
2192	I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
2193
2194	There was just too much history between us.
2195
2196	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5rpk/i_saw_my_ex_girlfriend_standing_across_the_museum/
2197	%
2198	What do you call a stolen Tesla?
2199
2200	An Edison.
2201
2202	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5q3b/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/
2203	%
2204	A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.
2205
2206	After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was looking at her now.
2207	“Why would you do that!?”, the wife asked.
2208	“They announced on the news this morning the symptoms for corona virus. One of them is having no sense of taste. Just look at that guy!” Proclaimed the husband.
2209	“What are you...” the wife began to say when she noticed the guy in question was wearing crocs. She gasped and ran out of the store as fast as her legs could take her.
2210
2211	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5kid/a_husband_and_wife_went_out_shopping_for/
2212	%
2213	I Bought A Terrible Thesaurus
2214
2215	It was terrible.
2216
2217	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5kdg/i_bought_a_terrible_thesaurus/
2218	%
2219	This quarantine thing isn’t working out.
2220
2221	My wife and I have become so close that I almost told her about my girlfriend.
2222
2223	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5f72/this_quarantine_thing_isnt_working_out/
2224	%
2225	I have Backstreet Boys stuck in my head.
2226
2227	Tell me whyeie
2228
2229	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs59y3/i_have_backstreet_boys_stuck_in_my_head/
2230	%
2231	Two interesting facts about me
2232
2233	Fact No 1 - My penis is exactly the length of 2 Ikea pencils.
2234	Fact No 2 - I am now banned from Ikea
2235
2236	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5078/two_interesting_facts_about_me/
2237	%
2238	My ex has the body of a 19 y/o. Wanna see it? :-)
2239
2240	It's in the fridge.
2241
2242	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4u5g/my_ex_has_the_body_of_a_19_yo_wanna_see_it/
2243	%
2244	I used to tell dad jokes
2245
2246	He laughed.
2247
2248	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4sl1/i_used_to_tell_dad_jokes/
2249	%
2250	This actually happened...
2251
2252	My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused...
2253
2254	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4qs5/this_actually_happened/
2255	%
2256	An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar
2257
2258	. They all order a pint of liquor and the Englishman notices a vase full of gold coins in the corner of the bar, he asks what its for and the bar keeper says that they can have it if they complete 3 tasks
2259	1. Down a bottle of vodka
2260	2. Pull out a thorn in a lions foot
2261	3. Bang a 100 year old lady
2262	The Englishman passes out after drinking 1/3 of the vodka. The Scotsman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and runs out missing a hand. The Irishman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and stays for 10 minutes. The Irishman emerges from the room covered in blood and scratches and he asks "now where's that old lady with a thorn in her foot".
2263
2264	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4qiz/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/
2265	%
2266	Three old women sat smoking in a park
2267
2268	As the day went on it grew darker and eventually it began to rain. The first two ladies pulled out condoms, cut the tips off and rolled them over their cigarettes and continue to smoke. The third lady was amazed at this product that allowed her friends to smoke in the rain. “What are those and where can I get some?” She inquired. “Just go to the pharmacy and ask for some condoms.” They replied. A few days later the third lady finds her way to the pharmacy. “Excuse me, can I have some condoms please?” She askes the pharmacist. “Of course,” he replies. “Do you know what size you need?” The lady thinks for a moment then replies, “big enough for a camel.”
2269
2270	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4q9h/three_old_women_sat_smoking_in_a_park/
2271	%
2272	Wanna know the weird thing about dead babies?
2273
2274	They’re still born
2275
2276	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4o1s/wanna_know_the_weird_thing_about_dead_babies/
2277	%
2278	So the avatar was gone for 100 years and he came back
2279
2280	That's what I call a Boomer Aang
2281
2282	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4nmn/so_the_avatar_was_gone_for_100_years_and_he_came/
2283	%
2284	Godwin's law
2285
2286	states that someone will always correct you on the internet. It also says that the people who correct you will likely be corrected.
2287
2288	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4gcr/godwins_law/
2289	%
2290	Seen my goat?
2291
2292	Two guys were walking through a field when they came across a big hole in the ground. One said how deep do you think this hole is? The other guy says don’t know, let’s throw a rock down there then listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom. So they threw a rock in and never heard it hit.... we need a bigger rock to hear it so they found a big rock ..... still nothing. Looking around they found a railroad tie and said surely we will here that hit bottom so they both struggled and heaved into the hole, while waiting to hear it hit bottom this goat came running up right in between them and jumped into the hole. They were freaking out when a man walked up and asked, have you seen a goat around here? They were like yeah one just ran up and jumped down that hole. The man said no that couldn’t be mine .... I had mine tied to a railroad tie
2293
2294	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4dxn/seen_my_goat/
2295	%
2296	Do you know why they wear pants in England but kilts in Scotland?
2297
2298	It's because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.... But goats don't hear so good.
2299
2300	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4ap4/do_you_know_why_they_wear_pants_in_england_but/
2301	%
2302	If being Russian means my b's are v's,
2303
2304	Then Soviet
2305	^(not a repost)
2306
2307	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs41qz/if_being_russian_means_my_bs_are_vs/
2308	%
2309	Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
2310
2311	That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes
2312
2313	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs40hk/never_criticize_someone_until_youve_walked_a_mile/
2314	%
2315	Yo mamma so fat
2316
2317	Thanos had to clap
2318
2319	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3ucv/yo_mamma_so_fat/
2320	%
2321	An old proverb
2322
2323	Benny gets engaged to a woman and her father tells him he wants to talk to him.
2324	"What do you want?" Benny asks.
2325	"Well, I wanted you to know that you can't shave until you get married or you'll be turned into a vase."
2326	Benny thinks it's a little weird, but he wants to honor what his future father-in-law believes in. As time goes on though he thinks about shaving so he'll look nice for his wedding, but he doesn't. Finally, the day of the wedding comes and he decides he HAS to shave. He does and he gets turned into a vase.
2327	Do you know the moral?
2328	A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
2329
2330	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3mgy/an_old_proverb/
2331	%
2332	It is near the end of the school year.
2333
2334	The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
2335	Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
2336	Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
2337	Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
2338	Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
2339	Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
2340	Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
2341	Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
2342	Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
2343	Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
2344	Johnny is even madder than before.
2345	Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
2346	Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
2347	Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
2348	Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
2349	When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
2350	The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
2351	Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
2352
2353	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3avv/it_is_near_the_end_of_the_school_year/
2354	%
2355	How do you weigh a millennial?
2356
2357	In Instagrams.
2358
2359	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs34pb/how_do_you_weigh_a_millennial/
2360	%
2361	This Fall, I’m finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting San Francisco and seeing The Golden Gate in person.
2362
2363	My wife said, “What will you do when you finally see it?”
2364	Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
2365
2366	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs34fx/this_fall_im_finally_going_to_fulfill_my_lifelong/
2367	%
2368	A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags.
2369
2370	He asked “What are you doing?” She says “I’ve had it with this life! I’m going to Vegas and let men have their way with me for $1000 a night!”
2371	Man says “Ok! I’m coming with you!”
2372	“Why?”
2373	“I want to see how you live on $2000 a year!”
2374
2375	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2kwe/a_man_comes_home_from_work_to_find_his_wife/
2376	%
2377	How can you tell which one is a blonde waitress?
2378
2379	She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering where she put her pencil.
2380	Source: Heard it ages ago
2381
2382	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2icq/how_can_you_tell_which_one_is_a_blonde_waitress/
2383	%
2384	NSFW What’s the difference between a blond guy and a blonde girl?
2385
2386	The blonde girl has a higher sperm count.
2387
2388	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2er4/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_blond_guy_and/
2389	%
2390	Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
2391
2392	Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
2393
2394	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs22ku/bill_clinton_and_the_pope_both_died_on_the_same/
2395	%
2396	What do you call a dog that is barking at Reddit?
2397
2398	A subwoofer.
2399
2400	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs218t/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_is_barking_at_reddit/
2401	%
2402	Hey, my name is Mike. Or as the ladies call me...
2403
2404	Hey you over there in the bushes.
2405
2406	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1ycg/hey_my_name_is_mike_or_as_the_ladies_call_me/
2407	%
2408	Man, social distancing sucks.
2409
2410	WHO thought this was a good idea
2411
2412	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1w3p/man_social_distancing_sucks/
2413	%
2414	When wearing a bikini, women reveal 92% of their body.
2415
2416	Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
2417
2418	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1oql/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_92_of_their/
2419	%
2420	It's not that I don't know how to juggle
2421
2422	I just don't have the balls to do it
2423
2424	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs12zt/its_not_that_i_dont_know_how_to_juggle/
2425	%
2426	I don’t trust streets with lots of trees on them.
2427
2428	They seem shady.
2429
2430	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0vmd/i_dont_trust_streets_with_lots_of_trees_on_them/
2431	%
2432	Growing up I wanted to famous for painting prisoners...
2433
2434	But my mother told me I couldn't; she said there's no good money in becoming a con artist.
2435
2436	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0szd/growing_up_i_wanted_to_famous_for_painting/
2437	%
2438	Why do orphans have iPhone Xs
2439
2440	Because it has no home button
2441
2442	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0r8s/why_do_orphans_have_iphone_xs/
2443	%
2444	I just watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero at the supermarket.
2445
2446	I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.
2447
2448	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0n5v/i_just_watched_a_guy_purchase_a_piñata_some/
2449	%
2450	My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
2451
2452	Wife: whatever means necessary.
2453	Me: No it doesn't.
2454
2455	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0mlp/my_wife_is_fed_up_of_my_constant_dad_jokes_so_i/
2456	%
2457	My favorite Clean Joke
2458
2459	A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the man replies that he is there to apply for the job. "I don't want to be insensitive", the priest exclaims, "but I don't see how you can fulfil the requirements of the job?". The man pleads with the priest to give him a chance and the priest decides to acquiesce only to convince him that it's a waste of time. When they get to the top of the tower the priest points to the large bell and says "Well there it is!", but before he can finish the sentence the man starts running straight at it and strikes it face first. The shocked priest shouts "No!! What are you doing?", but again the man runs the length of the bell tower headfirst into the bell, which is starting to sway back and forth. the priest yells "Stop, please, no more" but the guy is already running full speed at the bell and again strikes it headfirst. By now the bell is really rocking back and forth and starting to ring. The priest pleads with the man who is now bruised and bloodied, "For the Love of God, no more", but his pleas fall on deaf ears as the guy sprints across the tower at the swinging bell. Unfortunately, he mistimes it misses the bell entirely and flies off the edge of the bell tower. The priest screams and rushes down the stairs to help the guy. When he gets to the bottom he sees a crowd of people gathered around and pushes his way thru to the bruised and battered body. Someone says "Father do you know this man?", and the priest answers"No, but his face rings a bell!"
2460
2461	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0mfl/my_favorite_clean_joke/
2462	%
2463	I wonder how this whole coronavirus thing has affected Wuhan china cymbal sales.
2464
2465	I think the market has crashed.
2466
2467	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0h9s/i_wonder_how_this_whole_coronavirus_thing_has/
2468	%
2469	How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain?
2470
2471	Soy Bean
2472
2473	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0ddk/how_did_rowan_atkinson_introduce_himself_when_he/
2474	%
2475	People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight..
2476
2477	I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge.
2478
2479	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs005o/people_always_say_dont_bring_a_knife_to_a_gun/
2480	%
2481	I gently slid her panties to the left...
2482
2483	So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
2484
2485	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzs38/i_gently_slid_her_panties_to_the_left/
2486	%
2487	What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
2488
2489	they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!
2490
2491	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzptb/what_does_the_starship_enterprise_toilet_paper/
2492	%
2493	How are women like swimming pools?
2494
2495	They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them
2496
2497	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzi5w/how_are_women_like_swimming_pools/
2498	%
2499	What do women and grenades have in common?
2500
2501	Take the ring off and the house is gone
2502
2503	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgqz/what_do_women_and_grenades_have_in_common/
2504	%
2505	An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.
2506
2507	iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!
2508	Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?
2509	iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.
2510
2511	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgex/an_android_phone_and_an_iphone_meet_after_a_year/
2512	%
2513	Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves
2514
2515	today was the tip of the iceberg
2516
2517	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgay/ran_out_of_toilet_paper_so_had_to_start_using/
2518	%
2519	Doctor: Your dad is not with us anymore.
2520
2521	Me: Oh No. Oh My God.
2522	Doctor: He is at a different hospital.
2523	Me: Oh, Thank God.
2524	Doctor: But he is dead though.
2525
2526	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz8g3/doctor_your_dad_is_not_with_us_anymore/
2527	%
2528	A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...
2529
2530	...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
2531	-1:0 I am winning, - says the man.
2532	Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
2533	-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
2534	Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.
2535	-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.
2536
2537	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz60z/a_man_and_a_woman_were_in_bed_getting_ready_to/
2538	%
2539	Does anyone know?
2540
2541	If we can shower yet, or just keep washing our hands?
2542
2543	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz0ce/does_anyone_know/
2544	%
2545	A black man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
2546
2547	The bartender says oh thats cool, where did you get him?
2548	Then the parrot responds and says africa.
2549
2550	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fryu0v/a_black_man_walked_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on/
2551	%
2552	Is it better to write on a full stomach or an empty one?
2553
2554	It is better to write on paper
2555
2556	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frynhp/is_it_better_to_write_on_a_full_stomach_or_an/
2557	%
2558	Yesterday I found bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil in my house
2559
2560	Now it's just Olive Oil
2561
2562	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fryfh1/yesterday_i_found_bottle_of_extra_virgin_olive/
2563	%
2564	My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.
2565
2566	Wife: Where do you think you're going?
2567	Me: I got a gig.
2568	Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled?
2569	Me: I got a new one.
2570	Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined?
2571	Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing my viola to get everyone to run inside and shut their windows.
2572
2573	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxzdv/my_wife_stopped_me_on_the_way_out_the_door_with/
2574	%
2575	Finding Jesus
2576
2577	A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.
2578	The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
2579	The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ."
2580	So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
2581	The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
2582	The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
2583	The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
2584	By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
2585	When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
2586	The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
2587
2588	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxfqr/finding_jesus/
2589	%
2590	Why did the sperm cross the road?
2591
2592	Because I wore the wrong sock today
2593
2594	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxem5/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/
2595	%
2596	My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation.
2597
2598	That's a big stretch.
2599
2600	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx8dp/my_yoga_teacher_said_that_downward_dog_will_take/
2601	%
2602	Good ole little Johnny was sitting in class
2603
2604	The teacher drew a line with three birds on it up on the blackboard.
2605	"Ok, class, there are three birds on a wire, if one of the birds falls off, how many birds are left?"
2606	As she erases one of the birds on the blackboard, little Susie in the front row raises her hand and answers, "There are two birds left."
2607	"Very good Susie, that's right, there are two birds left." Susie smiles.
2608	Little Johnny is watching this from the back of the class, clearly bothered. "No, no, no..." he says as he raises his hand.
2609	With sigh of resignation, the teacher asks, "Ok, Johnny, what is it?"
2610	Johnny begins, "Well, for starters, birds don't fall off of wires..."
2611	"Ok..." the teacher starts when Johnny forges ahead.
2612	"If it fell off, then it was probably shot, and if it was shot then the other birds would have flown away."
2613	"So the correct answer is zero birds." he finishes.
2614	The teacher replies, "Well Johnny, that makes a lot of sense, I like the way you think!"
2615	Johnny continues, "Ok, now I've got one for you: there are three women in an ice cream parlor. One is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and one has the whole cone shoved in her mouth!"
2616	With a sly look, Johnny asks, "How can you tell which one is married?"
2617	With an even louder sigh than the first, the teacher responds, "I don't know Johnny... the one with the cone shoved in her mouth?"
2618	Johnny smiles and replies, "No. The one with a ring on her finger... but I like the way you think!"
2619
2620	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx6l3/good_ole_little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class/
2621	%
2622	Who is the leader of international public health?
2623
2624	Yes.
2625
2626	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx6iz/who_is_the_leader_of_international_public_health/
2627	%
2628	What is another word for necrophiliacs
2629
2630	Ghost Buster
2631
2632	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx33l/what_is_another_word_for_necrophiliacs/
2633	%
2634	What do you call a boner at a funeral?
2635
2636	A mourning wood
2637	(I am not sorry if this has been posted before)
2638
2639	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frwqzz/what_do_you_call_a_boner_at_a_funeral/
2640	%
2641	My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...........
2642
2643	A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!’
2644
2645	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frwmiw/my_neighbour_owes_me_500_and_he_wont_pay_up/
2646	%
2647	I was trying to make up a joke social- distancing...
2648
2649	But this was as close as I could get.
2650
2651	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frw3d6/i_was_trying_to_make_up_a_joke_social_distancing/
2652	%
2653	Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
2654
2655	I don't know man, depends on what you ordered first.
2656
2657	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frw0pv/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/
2658	%
2659	A Russian and an American get into an Argument
2660
2661	A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him
2662	The Russian replies with the fact that he can too, without any consequences, can walk up to the Red Square and talk shit about the american president
2663
2664	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvvdu/a_russian_and_an_american_get_into_an_argument/
2665	%
2666	Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
2667
2668	At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
2669	Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
2670	The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
2671
2672	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvqc8/two_plus_sized_woman_walk_into_a_bar/
2673	%
2674	I was at the bank and this young woman in front of me was depositing a massive bag of dollar bills. The teller asked "Did you hoard all these dollars by yourself?"
2675
2676	"No", she replied, "My sister whored half of them!"
2677
2678	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvoac/i_was_at_the_bank_and_this_young_woman_in_front/
2679	%
2680	A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground
2681
2682	and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids room as well.
2683	Kid: It's really dark in here.
2684	Boyfriend: Yes it is.
2685	Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it.
2686	Boyfriend: what has that got to do with me?
2687	Kid: Okay, then I think I gotta go talk to my dad about some serious stuff.
2688	Boyfriend: Wait! Okay tell me how much do you want for your stuff.
2689	Kid: Just take my bat for 200$ and I will keep my mouth shut.
2690	Boyfriend hands over the money to the kid and leaves safely after the husband goes out for grocery shopping.
2691	3 days after the incident, the kid decides to high in the wardrobe of his parent's room only to confirm whether this was a one time thing or not.
2692	He hears the boyfriend coming up with his mother again and right in front of him they start going at it. Bad luck strikes again as the husband arrives home early, the boyfriend goes and hides in the wardrobe.
2693	Kid: It's really dark in here.
2694	Boyfriend: Yes it is.
2695	Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it.
2696	Boyfriend: Alright what will I have to buy this time?
2697	Kid: The remaining equipment for just a 1000 bucks, and I swear I have nothing to sell anymore.
2698	Boyfriend flips out and speaks lightly: you crazy that's too much money for a kid and blackmailing is a really bad thing to do.
2699	Kid: So is sleeping with a married woman. well, if you don't want to go ahead me and my father got some talking to do, so excuse me.
2700	Boyfriend agrees again, pays the money and leaves safely after the husband goes to the washroom.
2701	next Sunday, the father calls his son and asks to play some ball with him, caught in a predicament the kid confesses to selling of his equipment for massive amount of money. His father says to him that he has to seek forgiveness and learn to be a disciplined and better person, so he shall take him to Church to mend his ways.
2702	The next day around 4:30 in the morning, his father takes him to the dimly lit Church and as they go near the first row of seats,
2703	Kid say: It's really dark in here.
2704	Priest : Okay, wtf you promised you had nothing to sell anymore.
2705
2706	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvjem/a_12_year_old_boy_comes_home_early_from_the/
2707	%
2708	A man goes to the doctor for his annual physical.
2709
2710	The doctor tells him “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
2711	“What for?!” Exclaims the man, confused and upset with the news.
2712	The doctor, very annoyed with his patient replies “Because I’m trying to give you a physical.”
2713
2714	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvbbz/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_his_annual_physical/
2715	%
2716	Whats the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
2717
2718	Usain Bolt can finish a race
2719
2720	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frv0e2/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/
2721	%
2722	A man doesn't walk into a bar... no.... no you wouldn't get it
2723
2724	It's an inn joke
2725
2726	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fruttp/a_man_doesnt_walk_into_a_bar_no_no_you_wouldnt/
2727	%
2728	Yesterday, I met a prostitute with a 150 IQ.
2729
2730	She was a fucking genius.
2731
2732	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fruqae/yesterday_i_met_a_prostitute_with_a_150_iq/
2733	%
2734	Why was Hitler grumpy at breakfast?
2735
2736	Because he didn't like the juice.
2737
2738	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frupha/why_was_hitler_grumpy_at_breakfast/
2739	%
2740	A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
2741
2742	His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
2743	"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
2744
2745	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fru4w1/a_13_year_old_boy_has_difficulty_with_mathematics/
2746	%
2747	Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19
2748
2749	. She called the number and her own phone rang.
2750	Husband is now in isolation.
2751
2752	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtqiu/wife_was_checking_her_husbands_phone_and_saw_a/
2753	%
2754	A joke my cousin told me when we were 8
2755
2756	There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:
2757	-Where do you used to work at?
2758	-Oh, I was a monster hunter.
2759	-But monsters don't exist!
2760	-You're welcome
2761
2762	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtp14/a_joke_my_cousin_told_me_when_we_were_8/
2763	%
2764	A Buddhist monk leaves his monastery after 10 years
2765
2766	His fellow monks beg him not to leave, but he firmly tells them that he is leaving to begin spreading his new form of Buddhism. After a few months, the leader of the monastery happens to bump into him, and tries to convince him to come back. The monk, again, firmly says that he has already begun spreading his new form of Buddhism. He calls it Nao Buddhism, and he already has dozens of followers.
2767	"But your old form of Buddhism is followed by far far more! What was wrong with that form?”
2768	The monk replies, "well, that was Zen, and this is Nao"
2769
2770	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtf4s/a_buddhist_monk_leaves_his_monastery_after_10/
2771	%
2772	Bored from the quarantine I started browsing Craigslist
2773
2774	I found a radio on sale for 99¢, the only catch was that the volume knob was stuck on the highest level.
2775	I thought to myself “can’t turn that down!”
2776
2777	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtd3y/bored_from_the_quarantine_i_started_browsing/
2778	%
2779	Elephant junk
2780
2781	A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question. The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
2782
2783	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtbob/elephant_junk/
2784	%
2785	What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur?
2786
2787	A pte>!REDACTED!<yl.
2788
2789	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frt5wp/what_is_secret_agents_favorite_dinosaur/
2790	%
2791	How do you know when your hooker is dead?
2792
2793	When you plug it in and she doesn't charge.
2794
2795	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsqjz/how_do_you_know_when_your_hooker_is_dead/
2796	%
2797	A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.
2798
2799	...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high alert for the criminal. The police didn't know who this criminal was, but they had a few clues: he spoke spanish, a language not well known throughout the city, and he also had a knack for disguises and false identities, which meant he could be anyone, and the police has not been stopping to figure out who he is.
2800	"But, fortunately, we managed to get his identity, and we caught the damn bastard last night!" the police interrogator exclaimed in the interrogation room, infront of the criminal. "Unfortunately, he's already managed to steal the money, and has hidden it somewhere safe, and I want him to tell me where that is. Except I don't speak spanish, and nor does anyone in this damn building, so that's why we need YOU, the translator," he points to the other man in the room, "to get him to tell us where he hid it. Let's start."
2801	The interrogator spoke first. "Ask him, where does he keep the money?"
2802	The translator asked the criminal, and he spoke back in unfamiliar words. "He says he will not tell," said the translator.
2803	The interrogator said, "Tell him to speak up, or we will put him to death sentence for his crimes."
2804	The translator spoke accordingly, and the criminal seemed so visibly frightened by this, that he immediately told him its location. "By the old graveyard, under the second tree from the entrance! There's the money bags!" he said in Spanish.
2805	Trying to keep a grin, the translator decievingly told the interrogator that "he would rather die, than tell you where he has hidden it." Then the interrogator knew.
2806	Suddenly, both the interrogator and the 'criminal' took a handgun out and pointed it at the translator. The interrogator said, in perfect spanish, "Skilled robber my ass, all it took was a clever lie!"
2807
2808	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsog2/a_skilled_anonymous_criminal_was_infamously/
2809	%
2810	Little Johnny gets under the teachers skirt.
2811
2812	So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
2813
2814	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsk0y/little_johnny_gets_under_the_teachers_skirt/
2815	%
2816	I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident.
2817
2818	It was a real bonding experience.
2819
2820	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsas1/i_first_met_my_nowwife_during_an_internship_in_a/
2821	%
2822	What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?
2823
2824	HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYEEEEEE
2825
2826	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frs44t/what_is_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/
2827	%
2828	I got fired from the calendar factory.
2829
2830	They were really strict about employee taking a day off.
2831
2832	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrn2c/i_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/
2833	%
2834	(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...
2835
2836	Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.
2837	Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."
2838	Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."
2839	Daughter - throws a few pieces of fake food halfway across the toy room
2840	Me - "Wow good throw, you threw that pretty far back in the field, nice job"
2841	Daughter - "Yeah, I still didn't throw them as far back as your hairlines"
2842	WTF...
2843	Someone has been coaching here on that punchline, and I think it's my wife. Hope you all have a good laugh at my expense, have a good day.
2844	P.S. It still hurts
2845
2846	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrmsf/reallife_joke_my_5yearold_daughter_and_i_were/
2847	%
2848	King jong-un tested positive for virus
2849
2850	He killed everyone else to prevent the spread
2851	He is a man of social commitment you know!
2852
2853	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrj6m/king_jongun_tested_positive_for_virus/
2854	%
2855	One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow
2856
2857	And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.
2858	So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot.
2859	The bear angrily grabbed the little bunny, pinned him to the ground, pulled out his quite large member and started beating his back with it.
2860	The rabbit screamed, cried, squealed... And then started laughing.
2861	The bear asked "What's so funny?"
2862	and the rabbit replied "I just saw the hedgehog bringing you an apple!"
2863
2864	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrij7/one_day_a_bear_has_announced_in_the_woods_that/
2865	%
2866	In America, anyone can become President.
2867
2868	That's the problem.
2869	^lovingly ^stolen ^from ^George ^Carlin.
2870
2871	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frra1j/in_america_anyone_can_become_president/
2872	%
2873	A bear walks into a bar...
2874
2875	A bear walks into a bar, says I'll have a gin and...
2876	...
2877	...
2878	...
2879	...
2880	tonic.
2881	Bartender says "Sure, but why the huge pause?"
2882	"These?" The bear says. "I was born with'em!"
2883
2884	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frr7ef/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/
2885	%
2886	An computer inventor starts talking to his friend.
2887
2888	“I’ve almost made a human-like robot!” He says.
2889	“You mean it can think?” His friend replies.
2890	“No, but when it fails, it puts the blame on the back of another computer.”
2891
2892	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frr285/an_computer_inventor_starts_talking_to_his_friend/
2893	%
2894	This ones from my late grandma.
2895
2896	How do you make a hormone?
2897	Forget to pay her!
2898
2899	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqxsk/this_ones_from_my_late_grandma/
2900	%
2901	I have this awful affliction where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
2902
2903	I think it’s terminal
2904
2905	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqt21/i_have_this_awful_affliction_where_i_cant_stop/
2906	%
2907	‌‌I p‌‌roposed t‌‌o m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife t‌‌oday
2908
2909	She s‌‌aid n‌‌o, s‌‌he t‌‌hinks I‌‌'m j‌‌ust a‌‌fter m‌‌y m‌‌oney.
2910
2911	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqrf9/i_proposed_to_my_exwife_today/
2912	%
2913	A little boy goes to his dad and asks:
2914
2915	'Dad, what's Politics?'
2916	Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
2917	I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
2918	Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
2919	We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
2920	The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
2921	And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
2922	Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
2923	So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
2924	Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
2925	He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room
2926	and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
2927	'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
2928	The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
2929	The little boy replies,
2930	'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
2931
2932	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqny2/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks/
2933	%
2934	A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking.
2935
2936	Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
2937	They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
2938	The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
2939	The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”
2940	The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
2941	“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”
2942	The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.
2943	The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
2944	“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”
2945	The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”
2946	The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.
2947
2948	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqjmf/a_rabbi_a_hindu_priest_and_a_politician_went/
2949	%
2950	A young woman gets her first job at the Tickle-me Elmo factory.
2951
2952	The boss takes her up to the office that overlooks the assembly line and tells her what her job is. Then he sends her down. About an hour later the line leader comes up to the office and says, “Boss you gotta get this new girl off my line. She’s killing production.”
2953	The boss looks down out of his office and sees the girl. The line is backed up terribly. Every time a tickle-me Elmo gets to her she takes a leather pouch and places 2 marbles in it and attempts to sew it between the Elmo’s legs.
2954	The boss laughs and tells the line leader to bring the girl up. When the girl gets there she starts frantically apologizing and saying she’ll try harder. The boss stops her and says “I think you misunderstood me. I told you when an Elmo gets to you on the line to pick it up and give it 2 test tickles.”
2955
2956	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqazl/a_young_woman_gets_her_first_job_at_the_tickleme/
2957	%
2958	You can't breathe through your nose when you're smiling
2959
2960	Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
2961
2962	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frq0nk/you_cant_breathe_through_your_nose_when_youre/
2963	%
2964	A police officer stopped a car for speeding
2965
2966	A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’
2967	The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
2968	Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
2969	As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’
2970	The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’
2971	As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
2972	The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
2973	The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
2974	The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
2975	And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up?
2976	The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’
2977	The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
2978
2979	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpue7/a_police_officer_stopped_a_car_for_speeding/
2980	%
2981	What did the nurse say when she pulled rectal thermometer out of her pocket?
2982
2983	“Which one of you assholes took my pen?”
2984
2985	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpqk0/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_pulled_rectal/
2986	%
2987	A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
2988
2989	and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
2990	Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
2991	"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
2992	Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"
2993
2994	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpp8s/a_young_teenage_girl_was_making_a_living_as_a/
2995	%
2996	Light travels faster than sound
2997
2998	. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2999
3000	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpnjq/light_travels_faster_than_sound/
3001	%
3002	My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about
3003
3004	I still wish she hadn't got one
3005
3006	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frp5hj/my_girlfriend_keeps_saying_that_a_small_dick_is/
3007	%
3008	Possibly the funniest clean joke of all time.
3009
3010	This guy owns a circus, see? And one day he's in there, checking out the big top, and this scrawny little guy walks in the door. He walks over to the boss, and he says "Are you the boss here?"
3011	Guy says "Yeah. What do you want?"
3012	He says "I'd like to join the circus. I got an act."
3013	The guy says "Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is."
3014	So this little guy goes over to the center pole, and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top.
3015	And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath, and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms.
3016	And he starts flying! And he flies all around
3017	the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes.
3018	Then he gets all the way up, and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground, flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And he says "Well, what do ya think?"
3019	The boss says "That's all you do? Bird imitations?"
3020
3021	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frovm2/possibly_the_funniest_clean_joke_of_all_time/
3022	%
3023	Third time is the charm.
3024
3025	A grocery store opened early for senior citizens. A long, orderly line began to form. Suddenly a young man tried to cut in line and was subsequently beaten by an old woman with a cane and chased back to his car. A few minutes later the young man tried it again only this time he was punched in the stomach by an old man and he ran away. The third time the young man walked up and yelled, "If you old people don't let me unlock the door, none of us are getting in!"
3026
3027	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frogkc/third_time_is_the_charm/
3028	%
3029	Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?
3030
3031	because you should *never turn your back on family.*
3032
3033	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/froaar/why_is_reverse_cowgirl_illegal_in_alabama/
3034	%
3035	A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
3036
3037	Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
3038	Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.
3039	.
3040	.
3041	.
3042	.
3043	.
3044	.
3045	.
3046	.
3047	.
3048	Now it's your turn.
3049
3050	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro9nb/a_boob_a_vagina_and_an_asshole_are_debating_as_to/
3051	%
3052	I Just read a book on Stockholm syndrome
3053
3054	I didn't like it at first, but towards the end I loved it
3055
3056	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro9m7/i_just_read_a_book_on_stockholm_syndrome/
3057	%
3058	Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown?
3059
3060	He had no common scents
3061
3062	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro72w/why_did_the_exotic_perfume_salesman_continue/
3063	%
3064	I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
3065
3066	As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
3067
3068	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro28s/i_took_my_8year_old_girl_to_the_office_with_me_on/
3069	%
3070	Little known fact: Jesus was a street sweeper.
3071
3072	Yeah, Jesus swept.
3073
3074	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frnxiw/little_known_fact_jesus_was_a_street_sweeper/
3075	%
3076	A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
3077
3078	The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
3079
3080	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frnqjk/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_buddhist_monk_walk_into_a/
3081	%
3082	A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
3083
3084	“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
3085	The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
3086	"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
3087
3088	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frng0n/a_man_enters_a_barbershop_for_a_shave_while_the/
3089	%
3090	Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days
3091
3092	The lion starts hunting the two men. The men sprint as fast as they can until of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He turns to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Overjoyed to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads toward the lion. As he nears closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
3093
3094	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frn6kl/two_men_are_touring_through_a_game_park_when_they/
3095	%
3096	What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?
3097
3098	Degrees.
3099
3100	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frn17a/what_unit_does_a_graduated_cylinder_measure_in/
3101	%
3102	You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....
3103
3104	Times New Ramen!
3105
3106	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmw51/youve_heard_of_alphabet_soup_now_get_ready_for/
3107	%
3108	I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
3109
3110	A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
3111
3112	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmryu/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/
3113	%
3114	Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Viagra?
3115
3116	I heard they couldn't close the casket
3117
3118	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmrbd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_overdosed_on_viagra/
3119	%
3120	People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously
3121
3122	My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.
3123
3124	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmm66/people_are_taking_stay_at_home_quite_seriously/
3125	%
3126	I told my family a Coronavirus joke...
3127
3128	...my grandparents were the only ones who got it.
3129
3130	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmkfb/i_told_my_family_a_coronavirus_joke/
3131	%
3132	There are 5 flies in a kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?
3133
3134	It's the one on the range.
3135
3136	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmjsd/there_are_5_flies_in_a_kitchen_which_one_is_the/
3137	%
3138	I gave my wife a dart and a world map, told her "Throw the dart! We will vacation there once the pandemic ends!"...
3139
3140	Turns out we are going to be spending time in the hospital.
3141	Also my cock hurts.
3142
3143	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmjfd/i_gave_my_wife_a_dart_and_a_world_map_told_her/
3144	%
3145	If God’s first couple were Chinese...
3146
3147	If God’s first couple were Chinese we would still be in paradise and not committed the first sin.
3148	They would have eaten the snake and ignored the apple....
3149
3150	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmidy/if_gods_first_couple_were_chinese/
3151	%
3152	A billionaire wants to go on vacation somewhere off the beaten path.
3153
3154	So he consults with his travel agency and eventually decides to go to the Shetland islands. He excitedly packs his bags, ready for some rich adventure.
3155	However, he soon finds himself shacked up in a log cabin with no electricity or plumbing, and its raining non-stop. After three days of eating rations and trying to keep the fire going, he finally hears a *THUD THUD THUD* at the door.
3156	He opens the door to find a 6'7" Shetlander standing on his porch.
3157	"Can I help you?"
3158	"Aye boyo. Yer that American in town."
3159	"Yes, I'm on vacation, and honestly you're the first living soul I've seen since I got here!"
3160	"Well boyo, we're havin a Shetland party. You comin?"
3161	"Sure! What's a Shetland party?"
3162	"All ya need ta know is there'll be a lot o' drinkin, a lot o' fightin, and a lot o' makin love."
3163	"Hey sounds great, count me in! What should I wear?"
3164	"Don't matter much boyo, its only gonna be you and me."
3165
3166	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm7uf/a_billionaire_wants_to_go_on_vacation_somewhere/
3167	%
3168	A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents
3169
3170	Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
3171	He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
3172	At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
3173	That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.
3174	“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says.
3175	The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
3176	10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
3177	Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
3178	The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”
3179
3180	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm5ox/a_girl_asks_her_boyfriend_to_come_over_friday/
3181	%
3182	What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink?
3183
3184	Immortali-Tea
3185
3186	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm5dp/what_type_of_tea_does_queen_elizabeth_love_to/
3187	%
3188	So drunk he can't stand up
3189
3190	An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
3191	When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
3192	He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
3193	"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
3194	"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
3195	---------
3196	EDIT - Read the sidebar if you don't like the joke! Glad I could make most of you have a laugh :)
3197
3198	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm4it/so_drunk_he_cant_stand_up/
3199	%
3200	Why will space be a popular tourist spot?
3201
3202	The view is breathtaking and will leave you speechless
3203	Only science geeks will understand
3204
3205	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm2nl/why_will_space_be_a_popular_tourist_spot/
3206	%
3207	What did O and P said to Q and R?
3208
3209	zip your pants
3210
3211	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm2bk/what_did_o_and_p_said_to_q_and_r/
3212	%
3213	I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.
3214
3215	It was lovely 2 metre.
3216
3217	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm0ap/i_saw_a_wonderful_lady_on_the_opposite_side_of/
3218	%
3219	I was kidnapped by mimes
3220
3221	They did unspeakable things to me
3222
3223	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlzff/i_was_kidnapped_by_mimes/
3224	%
3225	Paintball is a very violent sport
3226
3227	It involves a lot of dyeing
3228
3229	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frly0a/paintball_is_a_very_violent_sport/
3230	%
3231	I made a belt out of watches once
3232
3233	It was a waist of time
3234
3235	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlwry/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches_once/
3236	%
3237	2 Germans in a bar in London:
3238
3239	\- 2 Martinis, please.
3240	\- Dry?
3241	\- NEIN! ZWEI!
3242
3243	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlt97/2_germans_in_a_bar_in_london/
3244	%
3245	Crap
3246
3247	A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.
3248	Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence.
3249	"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"
3250	The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed.
3251	Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the couch!"
3252	Happily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly.
3253	Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE CRAPS ON YOU!!!"
3254
3255	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlm0y/crap/
3256	%
3257	Do you know about the World Health Organization?
3258
3259	Me : WHO?
3260
3261	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frllq5/do_you_know_about_the_world_health_organization/
3262	%
3263	Hello Darkness, my old friend...
3264
3265	OWW!! Fucking coffee table! God Dammit!!!
3266
3267	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frli86/hello_darkness_my_old_friend/
3268	%
3269	Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road...
3270
3271	As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
3272	Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and hesitantly pulls up her shirt and waves at them.
3273	The two workers are getting all excited and see if they can take it further. They start yelling across the street for her to completely strip for them. Once again, she looks around and hesitantly gets completely naked on the side of the road and blows them a kiss!
3274	At this point, the two workers are jumping up and down and giving each other high fives. All of a sudden, the female looks at them and yells, “Your Turn!”
3275	The two construction workers are getting nervous and one turns to the other and says, “Show her ur nuts, show her ur nuts!!”
3276	So the worker nods his head and starts flailing his arms and yelling “Lahanalahailaoalhiao”
3277
3278	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlhz2/two_construction_workers_were_eating_lunch_on_a/
3279	%
3280	What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
3281
3282	Carlos.
3283
3284	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlhl2/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/
3285	%
3286	A guy is sitting in the doctor’s office, when the doctor walks in..
3287
3288	“I have some bad news, you’re gonna have to stop jerking off” said the doctor. “I don’t understand doc, why?” Asked the patient. “Because I’m trying to continue the prostate exam!”
3289
3290	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frle3t/a_guy_is_sitting_in_the_doctors_office_when_the/
3291	%
3292	My dick was in the Guinness book of World Records
3293
3294	Until the librarian saw me
3295
3296	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frldu1/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
3297	%
3298	Apparently one of the side effects of coronavirus is no taste...
3299
3300	Thoughts go out to all the Nickelback fans out there
3301
3302	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frl2t2/apparently_one_of_the_side_effects_of_coronavirus/
3303	%
3304	I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had
3305
3306	He started to count but he fell asleep.
3307
3308	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frl1gg/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/
3309	%
3310	You know your dad is drunk when
3311
3312	He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms
3313	He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm
3314	The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles
3315	When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal
3316	When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal
3317	His dance moves suddenly triple in number
3318
3319	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frkukv/you_know_your_dad_is_drunk_when/
3320	%
3321	Never ask a skunk for their opinion.
3322
3323	You might get their 2 scents.
3324
3325	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frkaxp/never_ask_a_skunk_for_their_opinion/
3326	%
3327	I like my women how I like my coffee
3328
3329	with my dick in it
3330
3331	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frk4ok/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/
3332	%
3333	I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump
3334
3335	It's not Tru, deau.
3336
3337	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frk40i/i_told_my_friend_that_the_current_prime_minister/
3338	%
3339	I was trying to make an unemployment joke
3340
3341	But none of them work
3342
3343	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjs1o/i_was_trying_to_make_an_unemployment_joke/
3344	%
3345	Why don't orphans play baseball?
3346
3347	They don't know where home is!
3348
3349	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjqxv/why_dont_orphans_play_baseball/
3350	%
3351	What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
3352
3353	One is quite heavy
3354	The other is a little lighter
3355
3356	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjosf/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
3357	%
3358	The wife's leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
3359
3360	I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
3361
3362	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjeyz/the_wifes_leaving_me_because_of_my_sexual_fetishes/
3363	%
3364	What is a kidnappers favorite shoe
3365
3366	White vans
3367
3368	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frj4uk/what_is_a_kidnappers_favorite_shoe/
3369	%
3370	Lifesavers, get a hole lot more outta life
3371
3372	A teacher gave each of her students a packet of Lifesavers candy and had them all identify the flavours by colour.
3373	Red = cherry
3374	Yellow = lemon
3375	Green = lime
3376	Orange = orange
3377	Finally, all the class were stuck on the last lifesaver flavour, the translucent Honey flavoured lifesaver.
3378	The teacher said “I’ll give you a hint about the flavour. it’s something your Mother may sometimes call your Father”
3379	After a few moments, one little girl spat her lifesaver out in disgust and yelled OH MY GOD THEY’RE ASSHOLES!!
3380	The teacher had to leave the room.
3381
3382	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frj3rq/lifesavers_get_a_hole_lot_more_outta_life/
3383	%
3384	Guess who just woke up to 30 missed calls from their Ex
3385
3386	My Ex
3387
3388	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frivnk/guess_who_just_woke_up_to_30_missed_calls_from/
3389	%
3390	You’re about to drive with your mother and your wife. Who sits in the back?
3391
3392	You do.
3393
3394	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/friign/youre_about_to_drive_with_your_mother_and_your/
3395	%
3396	With the new coronavirus outbreak Worldwide, the only people who can get closer than 6 feet to us are the police
3397
3398	So we have to tell them "Don't Stand So Close to Me."
3399
3400	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri9ca/with_the_new_coronavirus_outbreak_worldwide_the/
3401	%
3402	A new inmate meets his cellmate and is asked, "Do you want to be momma... or do you want to be daddy?"
3403
3404	The new inmate was hesitant before nervously answering, "Daddy?"
3405	His cellmate says, "Alright, well get over here and suck momma's dick."
3406
3407	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri67b/a_new_inmate_meets_his_cellmate_and_is_asked_do/
3408	%
3409	What do you call a 19 year old guy that likes to date old women?
3410
3411	Covid, cause he's 19 and takes older people to bed.
3412
3413	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri5yn/what_do_you_call_a_19_year_old_guy_that_likes_to/
3414	%
3415	Car accident
3416
3417	A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
3418	After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
3419	Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
3420	"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
3421	Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
3422	The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
3423	The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
3424	The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
3425
3426	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri3yp/car_accident/
3427	%
3428	Why can’t Chinese people play cricket?
3429
3430	Because they would eat the bat!
3431
3432	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri0gg/why_cant_chinese_people_play_cricket/
3433	%
3434	I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.
3435
3436	I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
3437
3438	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhtl7/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/
3439	%
3440	My friend who lives in Michigan just had his toilet stolen.
3441
3442	Can’t have shit in Detroit.
3443
3444	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhskn/my_friend_who_lives_in_michigan_just_had_his/
3445	%
3446	Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie?
3447
3448	She went to see "Closed For The Winter".
3449
3450	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhjpj/hear_about_the_blonde_who_froze_to_death_at_the/
3451	%
3452	My girlfriend tried to cut off my penis but missed
3453
3454	She'll be charged with a missed da Weiner
3455
3456	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhbq4/my_girlfriend_tried_to_cut_off_my_penis_but_missed/
3457	%
3458	What was the rallying cry of the trio of rotting leaves?
3459
3460	d'three of us matter!
3461
3462	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhait/what_was_the_rallying_cry_of_the_trio_of_rotting/
3463	%
3464	What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off
3465
3466	Oh no I’ve been defeeted
3467
3468	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh9tx/what_did_the_villain_say_when_he_got_his_legs/
3469	%
3470	With all the bars closed, how horribly ironic is it that Joe Diffie died?
3471
3472	We can't even prop him up beside the juke box.
3473
3474	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh88h/with_all_the_bars_closed_how_horribly_ironic_is/
3475	%
3476	The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19
3477
3478	He’s down with the sickness
3479
3480	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh3j9/the_lead_singer_of_disturbed_has_decided_hes_not/
3481	%
3482	Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home.
3483
3484	They're in karentine.
3485
3486	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgqu3/essential_retail_workers_still_have_to_deal_with/
3487	%
3488	What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic?
3489
3490	Mask-ara
3491
3492	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgjy9/what_kind_of_make_up_should_you_wear_during_a/
3493	%
3494	This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia)
3495
3496	Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would taste it and settle this once an for all so they flipped a coin and patient one (who argued it was honey) got on his knees to taste this odd thing so he stuck out his tongue and licked it and to his shock found out this was not honey and it was indeed shit he then looked up to patient one with relief and said "Good thing we didn't step on it".
3497
3498	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgje0/this_is_a_translated_joke_form_my_country_ethiopia/
3499	%
3500	My dad really cares about me
3501
3502	He has been practicing social distancing for 20 years now
3503
3504	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgiv9/my_dad_really_cares_about_me/
3505	%
3506	I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
3507
3508	He responded, “can’t complain.”
3509
3510	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgc9j/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_whats_it_like_to/
3511	%
3512	Mom, are we pyromaniacs?
3513
3514	Yes we arson.
3515
3516	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgbj8/mom_are_we_pyromaniacs/
3517	%
3518	What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class
3519
3520	Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien
3521
3522	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg69k/what_did_the_australian_teacher_say_to_his/
3523	%
3524	Did you here about the new movie coming out about the corona virus?
3525
3526	It’s directed by Tentin Quarantino.
3527
3528	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg4z6/did_you_here_about_the_new_movie_coming_out_about/
3529	%
3530	Someday the world will end...
3531
3532	Maybe not today,
3533	Maybe not tomorrow,
3534	Probably Wednesday.
3535
3536	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg2k6/someday_the_world_will_end/
3537	%
3538	Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines...
3539
3540	Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines.
3541	Trump: "Our submarines are the best! They can stay under water for 4 months without the need to refuel!"
3542	Putin: "Pah! That's nothing! Our submarines can stay under water for 1 year without the need to refuel!"
3543	Just when Merkel wants to say something, bubbles suddenly start appearing in the water and a submarine appears. The hatch opens and a man appears, saying: "Heil Hitler! Where can I get some fuel?"
3544
3545	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frfyzz/trump_putin_and_merkel_were_standing_at_the_north/
3546	%
3547	A recently divorced man...
3548
3549	A recently divorced man, feeling a bit down in the dumps, heads to his local bar. After about 15 minutes, a beautiful woman sits down next to him and strikes up a conversation. They’re getting along great, talking away, when the woman confides to him that her husband divorced her because he thought she was too kinky. The man brightens up and says “what a coincidence-my wife divorced ME because she thought I was too kinky”. Well, one thing leads to another and they decide to go to her place. They get there and she tells him “have a seat on the couch and I’ll slip into something more comfortable”. She goes into the bedroom and starts to change and pulls out all the stops: Bullet bra, bustier, high heels, riding crop, etc. As she comes back into the living room she sees the guy heading out the door. She says “hey-where are you going?” The guy says well…..I’ve already fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m outta here!!
3550
3551	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frfila/a_recently_divorced_man/
3552	%
3553	three statisticians walk into a bar and the barman asks do you all want a beer?
3554
3555	the first says I don’t know.
3556	the second says I don’t know.
3557	the third says yes please.
3558
3559	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frficp/three_statisticians_walk_into_a_bar_and_the/
3560	%
3561	A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.”
3562
3563	The bartender says: “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
3564	The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says: “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.”
3565	Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says: “I just saw you walk in here, you can’t be blind!”
3566	So, to the bartenders dismay, he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye.
3567
3568	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frf444/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/
3569	%
3570	A man crossing London Bridge sees a pretty woman struggling to keep her mini skirt down in the wind so he says : A bit airy isn't it?
3571
3572	She replied: What the ell you expect feathers?
3573
3574	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/freusl/a_man_crossing_london_bridge_sees_a_pretty_woman/
3575	%
3576	What Do You Call A Cheap Circumcision?
3577
3578	What do you call a cheap circumcision?
3579	...A rip-off...
3580
3581	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/freu2b/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/
3582	%
3583	My wife said she wanted me to have a threesome with her and another guy however she wanted me to get to know the other fellla first
3584
3585	It was a mandate
3586
3587	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frehwl/my_wife_said_she_wanted_me_to_have_a_threesome/
3588	%
3589	Chickens lay eggs, but who lays the chickens?
3590
3591	The rooster of course!
3592
3593	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fregd3/chickens_lay_eggs_but_who_lays_the_chickens/
3594	%
3595	What was the name of the pirate that loved pissing on people?
3596
3597	Aaaarghh Kelly
3598
3599	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fre4tq/what_was_the_name_of_the_pirate_that_loved/
3600	%
3601	I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him
3602
3603	That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog
3604
3605	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fre49v/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_for_exercise/
3606	%
3607	A classic Canadian Joke.
3608
3609	A Mainlander is driving down the highway and runs over a rabbit. Wondering what noise was, he stops his car and gets out to look. While he's standing there a newfie pulls up and asks him what's going on.
3610	The mainlander says, "I'm just here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your animals."
3611	The newfie takes a look at the rabbit and says,
3612	"No problem, by’s. Hang'er down a few."
3613	The newfie then goes to his truck and gets an aerosol spray-can, which he proceeds to empty onto the rabbit. When he's done he chucks the empty and says, "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay" then gets in his truck and takes off.
3614	The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, and finally disappears into the woods.
3615	The Mainlander is blown away. Wondering what the newfie did, he grabs the can out of the ditch and reads the label, which says: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"
3616
3617	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdqly/a_classic_canadian_joke/
3618	%
3619	Going to the grocery store in 2020 be as risky as raw dogging in 1985
3620
3621	At least back then you got laid
3622
3623	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdn8k/going_to_the_grocery_store_in_2020_be_as_risky_as/
3624	%
3625	A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.
3626
3627	Girl: Gross
3628	German guy: Thanks!
3629
3630	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdfft/a_german_guy_was_peeing_on_a_wall_in_public_a/
3631	%
3632	I don’t always go the extra mile...
3633
3634	But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.
3635
3636	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdeo3/i_dont_always_go_the_extra_mile/
3637	%
3638	A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.
3639
3640	"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."
3641	The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.
3642	Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an Y-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.
3643	"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Yale graduate, he insists on wearing his Yale shirt when we have sex."
3644	The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.
3645	Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an W-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.
3646	"Let me guess," said the doctor, "your dating a Washington graduate?" "No, she's a Michigan graduate."
3647
3648	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd68x/a_woman_walks_into_a_doctors_office_and_takes_off/
3649	%
3650	Area 51 Gaurds V.S. Wife
3651
3652	You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
3653	By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
3654	The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
3655
3656	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd5jg/area_51_gaurds_vs_wife/
3657	%
3658	What do you call a dog with no legs?
3659
3660	It doesnt matter what you call him, he isn't coming.
3661
3662	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd5ix/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/
3663	%
3664	If a group of bunnies is called a fluffle, and a group of crows are considered a murder
3665
3666	Then a group of humans right now can be considered illegal
3667
3668	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd4xq/if_a_group_of_bunnies_is_called_a_fluffle_and_a/
3669	%
3670	The boredom of self isolation. Day (9)
3671
3672	Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?
3673	If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.
3674
3675	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frczcm/the_boredom_of_self_isolation_day_9/
3676	%
3677	What do you call Dracula when he doesn't know what to say next?
3678
3679	An Umpire
3680
3681	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcxxy/what_do_you_call_dracula_when_he_doesnt_know_what/
3682	%
3683	The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.
3684
3685	I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.
3686
3687	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcome/the_other_day_i_walked_in_on_my_grandmother/
3688	%
3689	Two blind pilots enter a plane.
3690
3691	They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the
3692	plane starts to move, the passengers are
3693	uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it
3694	Stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets
3695	Smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing
3696	towards a fence.
3697	The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the
3698	plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second.
3699	All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a
3700	bad joke.
3701	In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot
3702	and says : "You know what? One day they're
3703	going to scream too late, and we're all going to
3704	die."
3705
3706	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcgpd/two_blind_pilots_enter_a_plane/
3707	%
3708	I told my boss I needed a raise, and that I had three companies after me.
3709
3710	“Three companies?!”
3711	“Oh yeah.”
3712	“All right, fine, here’s your raise. By the way, which three companies?”
3713	“Gas, Water, and Electric.”
3714
3715	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frc1jf/i_told_my_boss_i_needed_a_raise_and_that_i_had/
3716	%
3717	I lived in a flat with three girls
3718
3719	Until they found out.
3720
3721	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frc1fj/i_lived_in_a_flat_with_three_girls/
3722	%
3723	My whole body is changing during lockdown
3724
3725	The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other.
3726
3727	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbyam/my_whole_body_is_changing_during_lockdown/
3728	%
3729	This cowboy walks into a German car showroom,
3730
3731	And he says "Audi!"
3732
3733	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbx0r/this_cowboy_walks_into_a_german_car_showroom/
3734	%
3735	How much fun can you have with communism?
3736
3737	Ours of fun
3738
3739	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbv8a/how_much_fun_can_you_have_with_communism/
3740	%
3741	Why do rich people like golf?
3742
3743	It’s not very taxing.
3744
3745	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbsht/why_do_rich_people_like_golf/
3746	%
3747	What do you call a genetically engineered cow?
3748
3749	A Mootant
3750
3751	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbp5l/what_do_you_call_a_genetically_engineered_cow/
3752	%
3753	What’s blue and smells like red paint?
3754
3755	Blue paint.
3756
3757	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbkgo/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/
3758	%
3759	Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...
3760
3761	Seems like a no-brainer to me
3762
3763	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbjn4/everyone_is_debated_capital_punishment_nowadays/
3764	%
3765	A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral...
3766
3767	...were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
3768	The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says “ That gentleman is courage"
3769	The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says “ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says “ That gentleman is courage"
3770	The British admiral says “ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says “You can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says “ And that gentleman is courage"
3771
3772	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frb9ig/a_russian_an_ameican_and_a_british_admiral/
3773	%
3774	Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer
3775
3776	For good clean fun
3777
3778	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frb8tv/man_with_toilet_paper_seeks_woman_with_hand/
3779	%
3780	I told a joke about Corona to my friends
3781
3782	nobody laughed but they all got it
3783
3784	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frapq9/i_told_a_joke_about_corona_to_my_friends/
3785	%
3786	I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.
3787
3788	I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.
3789
3790	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frady9/i_noticed_my_vacuum_is_cleaning_less_of_the_house/
3791	%
3792	My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
3793
3794	Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski
3795	To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.
3796
3797	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fra3rr/my_father_passed_this_morning_in_his_honor_i/
3798	%
3799	What do you call a woman who is feeling snuggly after sex?
3800
3801	a cab
3802
3803	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9zxw/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_is_feeling_snuggly/
3804	%
3805	What is the most powerful word in English?
3806
3807	Yawn
3808
3809	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9y42/what_is_the_most_powerful_word_in_english/
3810	%
3811	Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne?
3812
3813	I haven’t seen him in a while.
3814	I miss Dwayne... down in Africa.
3815
3816	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9e39/did_i_tell_you_about_my_friend_in_africa_named/
3817	%
3818	Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary.
3819
3820	And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg.
3821
3822	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9c3b/never_ever_ask_a_woman_her_age_a_man_his_salary/
3823	%
3824	A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...
3825
3826	They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
3827	At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...
3828	He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
3829	One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
3830	But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
3831	She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
3832	"Really?, youll do anything id like?"
3833	"yes" she said "anything!"
3834	"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
3835	"ok..."
3836	"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
3837	"wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.
3838	"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
3839	she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.
3840	"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
3841	"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
3842	"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...
3843	She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"
3844
3845	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9bv5/a_shipwreck_only_scarlett_johansson_and_some/
3846	%
3847	The pope's traffic stop
3848
3849	The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You sit back here. Help yourself to the minibar."
3850	So the pope is doing about 85, and sure enough, the blue lights flash. The state trooper says, "Your Holiness, do you know why I pulled you over?" And the pope says, "Man, I ain't gonna try and bullshit you. I was probably doing a bit over the limit back there."
3851	So the trooper takes the pope's registration back to his cruiser and radios his sergeant. "I got a situation here," he says.
3852	"What, did you pull the mayor over again? I thought I warned you about that," the sergeant says. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that."
3853	"Well, what, did you pull the governor over?" says the sergeant. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that.
3854	"Holy moley, did you pull the President over?" says the sergeant. "No ... worse than that."
3855	"What could possibly be worse than pulling over the President?" the sergeant demands. And the trooper says, "Well, I don't know. But he's got the pope for his driver."
3856
3857	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9ajg/the_popes_traffic_stop/
3858	%
3859	Jungle Drums
3860
3861	An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"
3862	The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."
3863	As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"
3864	Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"
3865	The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."
3866
3867	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr933d/jungle_drums/
3868	%
3869	The year is 2050
3870
3871	, health technologies have developed faster than ever, brain transplant is now possible and almost every hospital can conduct such surgery.
3872	A man consults his physician to change into a better brain. The physician lists the brains the hospital offers and their corresponding price:
3873	"Here is the brain of a person with a bachelor's degree in chemistry; the price is $25,000."
3874	"Here is the brain of a person with a master's degree in biomedical science; the price is $50,000."
3875	"Here is the brain of a feminist; the price is $1,000,000."
3876	The man is surprised by how much the brain of a feminist costs, so he asks, "Why does the feminist's brain cost so much, is it because a feminist is a lot smarter than a person with a master's degree in biomedical science?"
3877	The physician answers, "Hell no! Do you know how many feminists do we have to kill to put together a complete brain?"
3878
3879	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr8ty1/the_year_is_2050/
3880	%
3881	Feeling a little quirky
3882
3883	When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber?"
3884	I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself.
3885
3886	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr8pqa/feeling_a_little_quirky/
3887	%
3888	Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
3889
3890	Me: I use bad words
3891	*Interviewer: [laughing]:* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
3892	Me: well that’s extrusively harbilary to hear
3893
3894	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr88a6/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_weakness/
3895	%
3896	Bosnian X-Files
3897
3898	In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.
3899	Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.
3900	Time passed on and people continued to die. Every Friday at 11 PM, exactly the same time, always in the same bed... Some doctors started believing something supernatural had been happening.
3901	They decided to form an expert group to determine what on earth was going on.
3902	So on the next Friday, few minutes before 11 PM, many specialists and medical experts gathered around "the haunted bed". They even called alternative medicine practitioners. "Who knows, maybe they can help solve the mystery."
3903	Some of them had crucifixes and Bibles, holy water, some of them brought Kurans, one even brought a garlic. They, of course, had medical textbooks as well.
3904	When clock marked 11th hour, Rasema entered the room. She was the new cleaning lady. She was surprised to see all the people but she went on with her job. She wanted to show how hard working she was! She unplugged one of the life supporting machines to plug in the vacuum cleaner.
3905
3906	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr87zp/bosnian_xfiles/
3907	%
3908	I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle
3909
3910	I bought a bottle of Vodka and put it in the bicycle basket.
3911	As I was about to leave I thought it might fall off the bicycle and the bottle might break.
3912	To avoid that, I drank all of the vodka before I left the store.
3913	It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
3914
3915	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr85fu/i_rode_to_the_liquor_store_yesterday_on_my_bicycle/
3916	%
3917	[NSFW] Support Group
3918
3919	A guy went to his Premature Ejaculation Support Group meeting this morning.
3920	Found out it’s tomorrow.
3921
3922	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr859g/nsfw_support_group/
3923	%
3924	What is a thousand times better than Instagram?
3925
3926	Instakilogram
3927	Your welcome
3928
3929	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr835f/what_is_a_thousand_times_better_than_instagram/
3930	%
3931	What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? –
3932
3933	For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
3934
3935	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7xgm/whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/
3936	%
3937	Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?
3938
3939	Doctor: They Are For You.!!
3940
3941	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7tx7/doctor_madam_your_husband_needs_rest_and_peace_so/
3942	%
3943	I got in touch with my inner self today
3944
3945	That's the last time I'll buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store.
3946
3947	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7ork/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/
3948	%
3949	My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent
3950
3951	I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday
3952
3953	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7ejv/my_girlfriend_once_gave_up_sex_for_lent/
3954	%
3955	Why do cows wear bells?
3956
3957	Cause their horns don’t work.
3958
3959	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7a3o/why_do_cows_wear_bells/
3960	%
3961	I started having an affair with a married woman.
3962
3963	As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working.
3964	Unfortunately, the husband came home early and caught the two of us in bed. The woman was absolutely terrified, and the husband was livid and looked ready to cause harm to the woman.
3965	“What the hell are you doing here!?” he demanded to know.
3966	“Please, the fault is all mine,” I explain, “I was the one that answered her ad in the newspaper.”
3967
3968	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr73tw/i_started_having_an_affair_with_a_married_woman/
3969	%
3970	A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates
3971
3972	St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead - with an even uglier woman.
3973	When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead.
3974	This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women.
3975	The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax”
3976
3977	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr6vlp/a_newly_deceased_englishman_stands_at_the_pearly/
3978	%
3979	Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle
3980
3981	One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion, so the kings decided to go to war.
3982	The first kingdom is very wealthy, and has a grand army of thousands of Knights in shining armour with state of the art squires and weaponry, expertly trained killing machines.
3983	The second kingdom is moderately well off, and has several hundred Knights in standard armour with enough squires to get by, but all willing in heart and mind.
3984	The third kingdom is very poor, and has only one elderly Knight with his great grandson for a squire, in rusty centuries old armour.
3985	On the eve before the battle, each kingdom decides to have a celebration for the great deeds that are about to be done.
3986	The first kingdom has a great banquet that no words can give justice to, a massive, endless hall of food and delight, dancers and jesters and bards as plentiful as the fine wine and boar that accompanies them.
3987	The second kingdom has not nearly as grand an occasion, but makes the most of what they have, making up for the lack of fine food and entertainment with enough ale to knock out an elephant.
3988	The third kingdom has but scraps to make do with. In fact, so little food do they have that there is only enough for the Knight and boy squire alone to have a feast (a feast by their standards, at least). The elderly Knight is too weak and tired to get up, so the squire prepares the meal. He decides to cook a stew, so hangs a pot over a fire with a noose and cooks what they have into a small broth.
3989	Finally, the great day dawns. The kings did not sleep through the night, and sent their generals to ready their armies. The world sat on tenterhooks.
3990	However, fate had taken a strange turn. The armies from the first and second kingdoms had drunk so much in their revels that not one remained conscious, much to the fury of their leaders. And in the third kingdom, the elderly Knight's back had perished due to old age. The kings were left speechless. There was only one option.
3991	The squires must go to war.
3992	So on the battlefield, a hundred thousand squires in tunics too big for them and wooden swords trampled the ground beneath them as they came to the edge. One gigantic behemoth of an army met the other small but willing force at the peak of the lake.
3993	And the squire of the third kingdom faced them all.
3994	The battle began. Heads were clubbed in, backs broken, knees twisted, hair pulled, and slowly the numbers remaining dwindled. As the hours swept by and the body piles grew high, the kings and their people watched in the greatest suspense the lake ever knew.
3995	And as the sun set, and the dust cleared, finally, a single figure stood atop the mountain of bodies beneath him, victorious. The squire of the third kingdom had won.
3996	This goes to show that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is greater than the sum of the squires of the other two sides of the triangle.
3997
3998	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr6klk/three_kingdoms_border_a_lake_in_the_shape_of_an/
3999	%
4000	The Clever Old Man
4001
4002	One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn't been there for a while,and look it over.
4003	He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some food.
4004	As he neared the pond,he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
4005	He made women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him"we are not coming out untill you leave!"
4006	The old man frowned,"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."Holding up the bucket he said," I'm here to feed the alligator."
4007
4008	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr688o/the_clever_old_man/
4009	%
4010	They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do?
4011
4012	Whine.
4013
4014	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5va2/they_name_a_virus_after_a_beer_and_what_do_we_do/
4015	%
4016	What's the difference between a well-dressed person on a unicycle or a poorly-dressed person on a bicycle?
4017
4018	Attire
4019
4020	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5uop/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_person/
4021	%
4022	Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
4023
4024	...it was Luke warm.
4025
4026	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5p3g/why_was_han_solo_so_suspicious_when_he_put_his/
4027	%
4028	What’s the difference between a Taliban camp and a Pakistani school?
4029
4030	I don’t actually know I just fly the drone.
4031
4032	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5m7e/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_camp_and_a/
4033	%
4034	I like my women like I like my pandemics. [nsfw]
4035
4036	19 and spread wide.
4037
4038	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5j0z/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_pandemics_nsfw/
4039	%
4040	RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
4041
4042	Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
4043	Dear Mrs. Harris:
4044	Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
4045	We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
4046	Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
4047	1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
4048	2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
4049	3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4050	4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
4051	5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
4052	6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
4053	7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
4054	8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
4055	9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
4056	10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
4057	11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
4058	12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
4059	13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
4060	14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
4061	'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
4062	15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
4063	And last, but not least:
4064	16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
4065
4066	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5fws/retired_husband_after_i_retired_my_wife_insisted/
4067	%
4068	First day on the job.
4069
4070	Fresh out of journalism school, the rookie journalist bounds up to the editor hungry for a story to go after.
4071	The editor says I'll give you an easy one for your first day. Go out into the community and bring me back a feel good human interest story. We need a bit of cheering up!
4072	The reporter head out into the community and comes across a farmer at the the side of the road mending a fence.
4073	Hello good sir! I'm a reporter looking for a story.
4074	I was wondering if you could tell me a story that made you happy?
4075	Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost a sheep. We got a posse, went out, found it, fucked it and brought it back.
4076	What! I can't print that! Your talking bestiality here! The reporter exclaimed!
4077	Do you have any other stories?
4078	Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost his wife. We got a posse, went out, found her fu...WAY! WAH! HOLD ON WHAAAT?!! Hold on there if that's going where I think, I definitely can't print that says the reporter.
4079	Exasperated the reporter finally asks, do you have any sad stories by any chance?
4080	The old man stares thoughtfully for a bit and then replies;
4081	One time, I got lost....
4082
4083	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr587y/first_day_on_the_job/
4084	%
4085	My gf was mad at me the other day for having no sense of direction
4086
4087	So i packed my stuff and right
4088
4089	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr53wo/my_gf_was_mad_at_me_the_other_day_for_having_no/
4090	%
4091	What do you call a frenchmen wearing sandals?
4092
4093	Phillipe pheloppe
4094
4095	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr537h/what_do_you_call_a_frenchmen_wearing_sandals/
4096	%
4097	Donald Trump is having a meeting with his health advisors about the COVID-19 outbreak...
4098
4099	The lead advisor tells him "Mr president, more international people are testing positive in the United States every day. Today alone, 50 Brazilian people have confirmed cases."
4100	"Oh my god, that's awful!", Trump replies, ".....how many is a brazillion?"
4101
4102	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr50w6/donald_trump_is_having_a_meeting_with_his_health/
4103	%
4104	What do you call a girl wearing camouflage?
4105
4106	Heidi.
4107
4108	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4q9m/what_do_you_call_a_girl_wearing_camouflage/
4109	%
4110	My first sexual experience was scary...
4111
4112	I was all alone!
4113
4114	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4q10/my_first_sexual_experience_was_scary/
4115	%
4116	Just saw a sheep fight a cow
4117
4118	Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood
4119
4120	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4f7j/just_saw_a_sheep_fight_a_cow/
4121	%
4122	Why did star wars 4-6 come before 1-3
4123
4124	Because in charge of planning, Yoda was
4125
4126	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4e54/why_did_star_wars_46_come_before_13/
4127	%
4128	Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed ten Communists...
4129
4130	...and then the grenade went off.
4131
4132	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr49n0/chuck_norris_once_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_ten/
4133	%
4134	I just did something that took a lot of balls.
4135
4136	I used them as a Newton's cradle.
4137
4138	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr47j7/i_just_did_something_that_took_a_lot_of_balls/
4139	%
4140	I walked into a pet store and asked for six bees
4141
4142	The cashier counted out seven and handed them to me.
4143	I asked 'why the extra bee?'
4144	She said it was free-bee.
4145
4146	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr41sb/i_walked_into_a_pet_store_and_asked_for_six_bees/
4147	%
4148	Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:
4149
4150	"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"
4151
4152	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3wr5/most_people_have_homochromia_where_their_eyes_are/
4153	%
4154	I just asked my wife to put a nurses outfit on
4155
4156	She said why? Are you feeling horny?
4157	I said no, we need bread and milk
4158
4159	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3p1w/i_just_asked_my_wife_to_put_a_nurses_outfit_on/
4160	%
4161	Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
4162
4163	They each got 6 months.
4164
4165	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3cwr/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/
4166	%
4167	So, three men, Jack, Bill, and Josh, go on a trip to a jungle...
4168
4169	They came across a tribe, and got trapped and taken in by them.
4170	The tribesmen bring the three of them to their leader. Their leader tells them, "I want each of you to find me ten fruits-- any fruit, as long as it's the same kind. If you can do that, I will set you free. Do you accept?"
4171	Of course, they all do. They set off.
4172	Jack was the first to come back. He had oranges. He showed it to the leader, and the leader nodded.
4173	"Now," the leader said, "I want you to put all of those up your ass-- and if you make a face, any face, we will behead you. If you can do so without making a face, we will let you go."
4174	Jack did so. The first one was okay, he didn't make any face, but when he got to the second one, he winced, and the tribesmen beheaded him.
4175	Jack watched Bill enter the room with the leader from the afterlife. Bill walked in with berries, and the leader told him the same thing. He did so, making it to nine, when suddenly, he burst out laughing. And of course, the tribesmen beheaded him.
4176	In the afterlife, Jack shouted to Bill, who was still laughing, "what the hell, dude? You could've made it! Why'd you start laughing."
4177	And in tears, Bill replied, "I saw Josh walk in with pineapples."
4178
4179	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr39ac/so_three_men_jack_bill_and_josh_go_on_a_trip_to_a/
4180	%
4181	So I started dating my high school girlfriend again.
4182
4183	It just felt right now that I've come out as gay, and she has transitioned into a guy.
4184
4185	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2or8/so_i_started_dating_my_high_school_girlfriend/
4186	%
4187	It's hard to establish when this novel Coronavirus will be over.
4188
4189	We'd have preferred a short story.
4190
4191	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2me3/its_hard_to_establish_when_this_novel_coronavirus/
4192	%
4193	Excerpts from the diary of pets
4194
4195	Excerpts from the diary of a dog:
4196	8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
4197	9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
4198	9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
4199	10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
4200	12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
4201	1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
4202	3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
4203	5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
4204	7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
4205	8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
4206	11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
4207	Excerpts from the diary of a cat:
4208	Day 983 of my captivity...
4209	My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
4210	Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
4211	The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
4212	Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.
4213	There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
4214	Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
4215	I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
4216	The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
4217
4218	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2lv0/excerpts_from_the_diary_of_pets/
4219	%
4220	The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.
4221
4222	After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.
4223	The news Broke out.
4224	Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.
4225	The Americans, also impressed ordered the robot. Under 3 hours after its deployment in NYC the robot caught nearly 100 thieves.
4226	The Indians, already facing massive complaints of thievery and muggings, decided to give it a try.
4227	After deploying the robot in Mumbai under 30 minutes the robot got stolen.
4228
4229	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2hpr/the_japanese_invented_a_thief_catching_robot/
4230	%
4231	Three men arive at the gates of heaven
4232
4233	There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.
4234	The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from work today and found my wife naked in bed she told me that she was waiting for me to come home but i didnt belive her i checked all the regular spots the closet behind the door but i couldnt find him. so i went out on the balcony to get some fresh air because this had been a stressfull day but as soon as i open the door i saw that motherfucker habging on the outside of the fence so obviusly i started hitting his hands but he wouldnt let go so i went innside and got a hammer i continued to hit him with that and eventualy he let go but he landed in a bush and survived so i went back inn draged the fridge out on the balcony and tiped it over the edge after that i died of a heart attack because of all the stress.
4235	The gatekeeper agrees that this was a pretty horibke way to die and lets the first man in to heaven then he asks the second man how he died. The second man answers:
4236	So every day i do some workout on my balcony but today i fell over the edge and started falling but i was fortunate enough to grab onto the balcony below mine so naturaly i started climbing up to try not to fall the remaining 17 floors but before i even start to climb a man comes out on the balcony and sees me hanging there he gets realy angry and starts hiting my hands but i managed to hold on then the madman walks inside and gets a hammer when he started hiting my fingers with that i couldnt hold on anymore so i fell but landed in a bush and survived but the the lunetic went inside and got his fridge witch he dropt on me and i died
4237	The gatekeeper agreed that this was a terrible way to die so he let him in to heaven. He askes the third guy how he died and the third guy answers
4238	so imagine this: your totaly naked inside a fridge
4239
4240	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2hli/three_men_arive_at_the_gates_of_heaven/
4241	%
4242	“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”
4243
4244	“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”
4245
4246	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2gl8/mom_dont_get_alarmed_but_im_at_the_hospital/
4247	%
4248	You shouldn't drink water while studying.
4249
4250	It decreases concentration.
4251
4252	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2gc8/you_shouldnt_drink_water_while_studying/
4253	%
4254	What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
4255
4256	They both lose efficiency as soon as you start opening windows.
4257
4258	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2f08/what_does_an_air_conditioner_have_in_common_with/
4259	%
4260	One guy, "Have you been on a trip recently?"
4261
4262	Another guy, "Yes, three in fact. Last month I fell over a sidewalk while really high in Barcelona."
4263
4264	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr295o/one_guy_have_you_been_on_a_trip_recently/
4265	%
4266	Why does Santa not have kids
4267
4268	Because he only comes once a year
4269
4270	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr28qx/why_does_santa_not_have_kids/
4271	%
4272	Why can’t people in Antarctica get the corona virus?
4273
4274	Because they’re ice-olated.
4275
4276	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1xej/why_cant_people_in_antarctica_get_the_corona_virus/
4277	%
4278	I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards.
4279
4280	I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement.
4281
4282	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1thj/im_stuck_in_quarantine_all_alone_with_a_deck_of/
4283	%
4284	Does anyone know any good tree puns?
4285
4286	I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.
4287
4288	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1fdv/does_anyone_know_any_good_tree_puns/
4289	%
4290	have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom"
4291
4292	By Willie Maykit
4293	Co-authored by Betty Wont
4294	Illustrated by Andy Didnt
4295
4296	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1266/have_you_read_the_book_a_long_way_from_the/
4297	%
4298	What do you call a group of dogs having sex?
4299
4300	A Corgy!
4301
4302	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0hvv/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_dogs_having_sex/
4303	%
4304	How do you make a couple of pounds of fat look better?
4305
4306	Add nipples on them
4307
4308	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0fry/how_do_you_make_a_couple_of_pounds_of_fat_look/
4309	%
4310	What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
4311
4312	I’m not sure to be honest, but the flag is a big plus!
4313
4314	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0etp/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/
4315	%
4316	My dad must be taking this social distancing thing really seriously
4317
4318	I haven't seen him in 20 years
4319
4320	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0crq/my_dad_must_be_taking_this_social_distancing/
4321	%
4322	It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:
4323
4324	I call it a marsh mellow.
4325
4326	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0am1/its_sweet_getting_stoned_in_a_swamp/
4327	%
4328	What time is it when you see sixteen dogs running down the street?
4329
4330	Fifteen after one.
4331
4332	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0ai2/what_time_is_it_when_you_see_sixteen_dogs_running/
4333	%
4334	The Corona Virus is like my virginity
4335
4336	My uncle has it.
4337	(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.)
4338
4339	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr06dm/the_corona_virus_is_like_my_virginity/
4340	%
4341	Why do 80% of Chinese people get cataracts?
4342
4343	Because the other 20% drive Rincoln’s
4344
4345	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr05pe/why_do_80_of_chinese_people_get_cataracts/
4346	%
4347	People are selling off their automobiles in droves...
4348
4349	They don’t want to catch that car owner virus.
4350
4351	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzv8n/people_are_selling_off_their_automobiles_in_droves/
4352	%
4353	What do you call a musician who carries grain for living?
4354
4355	Hall n' oates.
4356
4357	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzs8q/what_do_you_call_a_musician_who_carries_grain_for/
4358	%
4359	City slicker buys an old farm
4360
4361	There was a gentlemen from the city who decided he wanted to live a simpler life. He buys an old empty farm. Going to the local general store by his new homestead, he asks where he can get some animals. The owner tells him to go to Old Man Murphy’s farm down the road a ways and he will get him all set up with a few animals. Excited the man heads over to the farm. Upon meeting, Old Man Murphy says to the gentleman I can definitely tell you’re a city slicker- Don’t worry, in time you’ll settle in and be just like one of us. The gentleman than asks well, how about that little hen over there. Maybe I can purchase it from you. Surely that would be a great animal to start with. Old Man Murphy says sure, I’ll sell you that one. But, just so you know young hens are actually called pullets. The gentleman sees a donkey off to the side and says well, that looks like a great animal to have at my new farm they are actually called an ass, right? How about I buy him from you. Old Man Murphy says now you’re starting to sound like a farmer. Yes, I’ll sell him to you but, he’s kind of stubborn. Sometimes he just lays down and won’t move. If you scratch on his back a bit he will get right back up and moving. Lastly, the gentleman says well no farm would be complete without a rooster. How about that one right there. Old Man Murphy says sure but, just so you know a rooster is actually called a cock. The gentlemen says oh yeah that makes sense. He thanks Old Man Murphy and starts the walk back to his own farm holding the birds and leading the donkey. About halfway back to his farm the donkey lays down in the middle of the road when suddenly a shiny red sports car pulls up with a beautiful woman driving. A little aggravated that she can’t pass by because of the animal blocking her way. She scoffs at the gentleman. He looks at her and said I’ll get him out of the way in just minute ma’am but, I need a favor to make that happen. She hesitantly says ok. The gentleman says.... will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?
4362
4363	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzqvl/city_slicker_buys_an_old_farm/
4364	%
4365	What is the worst combination of illnesses?
4366
4367	Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.
4368
4369	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzonb/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/
4370	%
4371	My wife left me because I am insecure...
4372
4373	No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
4374
4375	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzo60/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_insecure/
4376	%
4377	My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on...
4378
4379	I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.
4380
4381	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqznfz/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/
4382	%
4383	I tell my wife, "I love you," but she keeps talking about this other man.
4384
4385	I don't know who this "Hugh Moore" is, but she always says she loves him instead.
4386
4387	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzj79/i_tell_my_wife_i_love_you_but_she_keeps_talking/
4388	%
4389	A kid talking to his dad.
4390
4391	Son: Hey dad, I had my first blow job last weekend.
4392	Dad: That’s my boy, how was it?
4393	Son: it was pretty good but I do have a question.
4394	Dad: What’s that?
4395	Son: How do you get the taste out of your mouth?
4396
4397	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzgn9/a_kid_talking_to_his_dad/
4398	%
4399	Helen Keller walked into a bar...
4400
4401	And a wall, and a chair, and a table.
4402
4403	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzcik/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/
4404	%
4405	Breaker, Breaker
4406
4407	There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.
4408	It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, and per usual Spencer and Sprinkles were in her way. After countless times of foot prints on her perfectly clean floors, Shirley broke down and sent Spencer and Sprinkles outside to occupy themselves.
4409	It was about forty-five minuets later, and Shirley was dusting the blinds. As she's dusting she's sees Spencer and Sprinkles sitting on the curb in front of the house. She thought 'How cute'. As she watched, she saw Spencer throw some M&M's in the air catch them in his mouth, pick up Sprinkles lift Sprinkles tail up, and lick, He then proceeded to scoot one foot down the curb. Shirley couldn't believe what she saw.. She proceeded to watch him do it again; throw the M&M's up, catch them in his mouth, pick the cat up, lift its tail, lick, and scoot down the curb a foot.
4410	Shirley being very appalled ran outside. She asked Spencer with a tone only a confused mother could have " What in the holy hell are you doing?!?!"
4411	Spencer replied "Well, Mama Im playing trucker. Poppin Pills, licking pussy, and moving down the road".
4412
4413	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzcfs/breaker_breaker/
4414	%
4415	Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time.
4416
4417	Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha. I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."
4418	Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted"
4419	Ethel replied with a very whiny voice, "Uh, that's so unfair. I've never been married and you have husbands to burn!".
4420
4421	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzc0v/ethel_was_visiting_her_friend_martha_at_her_home/
4422	%
4423	[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
4424
4425	A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed.
4426	The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.”
4427	The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
4428
4429	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqz6ax/nsfw_squeeze_and_tug/
4430	%
4431	What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
4432
4433	A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
4434	A drug dealer can’t.
4435
4436	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqz03q/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/
4437	%
4438	Weight loss
4439
4440	There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter. A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."
4441
4442	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyya2/weight_loss/
4443	%
4444	You either die a T. Rex
4445
4446	Or live long enough to become a chicken
4447
4448	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqypz3/you_either_die_a_t_rex/
4449	%
4450	When my mom say her girlfriend she's talking about her best friend.
4451
4452	When my dad says his girlfriend everyone at the dinner table gets quite and my mom runs off crying.
4453
4454	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyjsk/when_my_mom_say_her_girlfriend_shes_talking_about/
4455	%
4456	I was digging in my garden and i found buried treasure.
4457
4458	I thought to go tell my wife but then I remembered why I was digging.
4459
4460	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyied/i_was_digging_in_my_garden_and_i_found_buried/
4461	%
4462	After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.
4463
4464	A big 10-4, if you will.
4465
4466	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyfo3/after_the_covid19_pandemic_winds_down_we_should/
4467	%
4468	Why can't pilots dress well?
4469
4470	Their clothes are too plane
4471
4472	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqye10/why_cant_pilots_dress_well/
4473	%
4474	There are two types of people in the world.
4475
4476	1. those who can extrapolate from insufficient information.
4477
4478	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqydrj/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/
4479	%
4480	A man with no arms and legs was sun bathing on the beach.
4481
4482	A beautiful blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.
4483	“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
4484	“No.”
4485	So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.
4486	Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.
4487	“Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?”
4488	“No.” He says.
4489	She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss.
4490	Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past.
4491	“Oh you poor thing...Have you ever been fucked?”
4492	“No.”
4493	“Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”
4494
4495	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqydm4/a_man_with_no_arms_and_legs_was_sun_bathing_on/
4496	%
4497	Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness
4498
4499	Now it's a double aunt tundra
4500
4501	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyast/two_of_my_moms_sisters_moved_to_the_alaskan/
4502	%
4503	I have a date with a girl who loves Nirvana. She asked me what to wear on our date next week.
4504
4505	I told her, "Come as you are."
4506
4507	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqy6ed/i_have_a_date_with_a_girl_who_loves_nirvana_she/
4508	%
4509	Corona virus
4510
4511	It's like pasta.
4512	Made by the Chinese.
4513	Spread by the Italians.
4514	Made unreasonably large by the Americans.
4515
4516	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqy1pt/corona_virus/
4517	%
4518	What is a language that has never been spoken?
4519
4520	Sign Language
4521
4522	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxyti/what_is_a_language_that_has_never_been_spoken/
4523	%
4524	So there's a new strain of Coronavirus that effects Hipsters...
4525
4526	You probably haven't heard of it.
4527
4528	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxqhh/so_theres_a_new_strain_of_coronavirus_that/
4529	%
4530	The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right. The statistician shouts, "We got him!"
4531
4532	Netflix shouts to the statistician, "Your documentary is coming!"
4533
4534	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxil6/the_biologist_shoots_at_a_deer_and_misses_five/
4535	%
4536	So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
4537
4538	So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
4539	They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
4540	So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
4541	Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
4542	"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
4543	"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
4544	So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
4545	So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
4546	Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
4547	"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
4548	"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
4549	So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
4550	Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
4551	So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
4552	Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
4553	"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
4554	"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
4555	So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
4556	So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
4557	Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
4558	Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
4559	So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
4560
4561	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxi1u/so_theres_this_farm_on_this_farm_theres_a_cow_a/
4562	%
4563	Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping
4564
4565	They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.
4566	Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
4567	He wakes Watson up.
4568	"Watson... as you look up into the night sky, what do you deduce?"
4569	Watson rubs his bleary eyes, unsure what to make of Sherlocks sudden midnight curiosity. He rolls over and stares up into the sky, which was lit up with a million stars like diamonds on black velvet.
4570	Watson responds. "Well Holmes, as I stare into the cosmos, I can see that we are on a spinning ball in an infathomable expanse of nothing. The vast emptiness of space and scale of the universe leaves me feeling incredibly tiny, and therefore I deduce that our lives are small and insignificant in the greater scheme of things."
4571	Holmes ponders this deep and insightful response for a moment. Rarely is Watson so articulate with his feelings.
4572	He turns to Watson, and with a sigh, he says.
4573	"Watson you blithering idiot.... Somebody has stolen our tent"
4574
4575	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxd5b/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_go_camping/
4576	%
4577	Why can’t dislexic people tell jokes?
4578
4579	Cause they punch up the fuckline
4580
4581	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqx14r/why_cant_dislexic_people_tell_jokes/
4582	%
4583	What do sprinters eat before a race
4584
4585	Nothing they fast
4586
4587	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwxii/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
4588	%
4589	A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
4590
4591	The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
4592	in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
4593	The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
4594	The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
4595	Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
4596
4597	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwvkt/a_british_doctor_says_in_britain_medicine_is_so/
4598	%
4599	What do strippers call girls that they work with ?
4600
4601	A co-twerker..
4602
4603	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwqhs/what_do_strippers_call_girls_that_they_work_with/
4604	%
4605	With the coronavirus, Scorpion is now saying...
4606
4607	"Stay over there!"
4608
4609	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwnui/with_the_coronavirus_scorpion_is_now_saying/
4610	%
4611	My wife just got me a card that said “Get Better Soon”
4612
4613	I’m not sick at all. She just thinks I need to get better.
4614
4615	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqw768/my_wife_just_got_me_a_card_that_said_get_better/
4616	%
4617	I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
4618
4619	I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
4620
4621	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqw3lj/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/
4622	%
4623	A man walks into a bar
4624
4625	carrying a large chunk of concrete.
4626	He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
4627
4628	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqvswb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
4629	%
4630	Someone toilet papered my house last night
4631
4632	Now it’s worth $875,000
4633
4634	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqvhhz/someone_toilet_papered_my_house_last_night/
4635	%
4636	Two blondes are in a dog park
4637
4638	One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"
4639	The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"
4640
4641	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv9uw/two_blondes_are_in_a_dog_park/
4642	%
4643	Revenge of the blonde
4644
4645	A blonde got fed up with blonde jokes
4646	One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
4647	Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
4648	One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
4649	"N," she answered.
4650
4651	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv5br/revenge_of_the_blonde/
4652	%
4653	What's green on top, mostly orange, and sounds like a parrot?
4654
4655	A carrot.
4656
4657	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv4fp/whats_green_on_top_mostly_orange_and_sounds_like/
4658	%
4659	A proud father
4660
4661	After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts
4662
4663	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fquyy5/a_proud_father/
4664	%
4665	Two best friends make a deal.
4666
4667	The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died.
4668	When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is heard.
4669	"Bro, do you hear me?"
4670	"Yes, I hear you." answer the man. "Are you in the afterlife? How is it like?"
4671	"It's not bad. We start the day with light breakfast - vegetables. Then I have sex several hours straight. After this it comes a little lunch - veggies again, and then sex until the nightfall."
4672	"And this is Heaven, or Hell?"
4673	"Bro, I'm a rabbit!"
4674
4675	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqunhq/two_best_friends_make_a_deal/
4676	%
4677	The boss caught an employee drinking at work.
4678
4679	He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
4680	The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".
4681	They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.
4682
4683	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqufj0/the_boss_caught_an_employee_drinking_at_work/
4684	%
4685	Being Muslim is tough
4686
4687	Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
4688
4689	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqubje/being_muslim_is_tough/
4690	%
4691	Donald Trump is having afternoon tea with the Queen of England.
4692
4693	“Queenie” he says “from now on, I want to be called Emperor Donald J Trump.”
4694	“Well, you can’t be an emperor Donald, I’m sorry” replies the Queen
4695	“Well, there was this French guy - Napoleon - great guy, I think my Uncle knew him, very smart, and he was an emperor” replies the Don
4696	The Queen has a sip of tea to suppress a giggle, before saying “Well that’s because he ruled an Empire”
4697	“Ok, so he was an Emperor because he had an Empire?” Don asks slowly
4698	“Yes”
4699	“Ok, well I don’t have an empire yet...” replies Donald “so how about I am called a King?”
4700	“Well Donald, you don’t have a Kingdom, so I can’t call you a King..”
4701	At this point the Don is getting frustrated. “Queenie, this is ridiculous, if I don’t have an empire, and can’t be an emperor, and I don’t have a kingdom, and can’t be called a king, then what can I be called?”
4702	The Queen pauses for a moment, take a look at Philip and then replies “Well, Donald, you are in charge of a country...”
4703
4704	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtp0y/donald_trump_is_having_afternoon_tea_with_the/
4705	%
4706	Why does the mineature jalepeño need to wear a sweater?
4707
4708	Because it's a little chilly.
4709
4710	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtnmq/why_does_the_mineature_jalepeño_need_to_wear_a/
4711	%
4712	Why don’t the Chinese play cricket?
4713
4714	>!Because they would eat the bat!<
4715
4716	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtb1w/why_dont_the_chinese_play_cricket/
4717	%
4718	My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
4719
4720	I just don't see it myself
4721
4722	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqt3g8/my_wife_claims_a_man_in_camouflage_is_sexy/
4723	%
4724	Has anyone watched “The Platform” on netflix....?
4725
4726	I couldn’t finish it to be honest, it was disturbing on so many levels.
4727
4728	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqst8e/has_anyone_watched_the_platform_on_netflix/
4729	%
4730	Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?
4731
4732	Because she's an on-call-ogist
4733
4734	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqspyd/why_does_my_cancer_doctor_let_me_phone_her_any/
4735	%
4736	My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
4737
4738	Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
4739
4740	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqsavs/my_son_luke_loves_that_we_named_our_children/
4741	%
4742	Why can’t a blind Mexican say yes?
4743
4744	Because he can’t sí.
4745
4746	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqsaig/why_cant_a_blind_mexican_say_yes/
4747	%
4748	So I walked past a wired fence today
4749
4750	Somebody from behind shouted: "Be careful, it might be electrified! If you touch it, you will get the shock of a lifetime!"
4751	I looked the person dead in the eye and without hesitation, I grabbed the fence to prove them wrong
4752	My mother, who was walking next me then told me I was adopted
4753
4754	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqs68n/so_i_walked_past_a_wired_fence_today/
4755	%
4756	What's the least spoken language?
4757
4758	Sign language.
4759
4760	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqs5qm/whats_the_least_spoken_language/
4761	%
4762	Wife and husband talk about life if she died
4763
4764	A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
4765	"After a considerable period of grieving," he says, "I guess I would. We all need companionship."
4766	"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
4767	"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I guess so."
4768	"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
4769	"Well, the bed is brand-new. It's going to last a long time. I guess she would."
4770	"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
4771	"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
4772
4773	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxeh/wife_and_husband_talk_about_life_if_she_died/
4774	%
4775	I used to be addicted to soap.
4776
4777	But I'm clean now
4778
4779	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxb2/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/
4780	%
4781	Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
4782
4783	"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
4784	Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
4785
4786	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxaj/batman_walks_into_a_room_which_alfred_is_ìn_late/
4787	%
4788	At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously.
4789
4790	He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.
4791	When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
4792	"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
4793	"You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
4794
4795	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrp8s/at_the_movie_theater_a_man_noticed_a_young_woman/
4796	%
4797	US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
4798
4799	The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
4800
4801	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrim9/us_president_donald_trump_tested_and_was_not/
4802	%
4803	A man contracted a rare STD...
4804
4805	He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.
4806	He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."
4807	After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have it removed."
4808	"What? I can't just let it be chopped off like that!" Unsatisfied with the doctor's response, the man left the hospital.
4809	Later that week, the man decided to go to a traditional doctor who specialized in natural and herbal remedies. Hopefully they had some better solutions.
4810	The man took off his pants once again. The traditional doctor smiled and said, "Don't worry, you don't need to have it cut off. Hospitals just want to perform surgery every chance they get. Let me give you a prescription for some herbal medicine."
4811	The man let out a big sign of relief. The doctor continued, "Apply these herbs to your nether regions 3 times a day for a week. It should fall off on its own."
4812
4813	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqricv/a_man_contracted_a_rare_std/
4814	%
4815	A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
4816
4817	So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
4818	The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
4819	So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
4820	One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
4821	"No, you might have a snake in there."
4822	The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
4823	"That smells like shit."
4824	The lady replied:
4825	"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."
4826
4827	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrhz5/a_little_old_lady_went_to_buy_cat_food_she_picked/
4828	%
4829	I got COVID-19 and it took 10 days for my immune system to finally fight it off.
4830
4831	Longest anything made in China's lasted for me.
4832
4833	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr85f/i_got_covid19_and_it_took_10_days_for_my_immune/
4834	%
4835	I would tell you a Coronavirus joke
4836
4837	But it would take 2 weeks to find out if you get it.
4838
4839	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr2pb/i_would_tell_you_a_coronavirus_joke/
4840	%
4841	Did you hear Lightning McQueen died?
4842
4843	He had a Cadillac arrest.
4844
4845	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr29z/did_you_hear_lightning_mcqueen_died/
4846	%
4847	My sister had really loud shoes that sounded like a horse, so some family members started calling her that. I could see this was upsetting her.
4848
4849	"Guys, we have have to settle this," I said.
4850	"If you think Jessica's a normal girl, say 'Aye,' but if you don't, say 'Neigh.'"
4851
4852	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqzus/my_sister_had_really_loud_shoes_that_sounded_like/
4853	%
4854	I just found out I'm colorblind.
4855
4856	The diagnosis was completely out of the purple.
4857
4858	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqrx1/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/
4859	%
4860	Two lesbian vampires have sex.
4861
4862	After the deed, one was leaving and said 'see you next month'.
4863
4864	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqgq3/two_lesbian_vampires_have_sex/
4865	%
4866	plot twist
4867
4868	a little girl was praying when her dad walked in. she said “good night grandma good night mom good night dad good bye grandpa”. the next day the grandpa drops dead. the dad decides to ignore what she says last night and continues on with his day. that night the dad walks in his daughters room praying again. she says “good night mom, good night dad, goodbye grandma”. the next day the grandma drops dead. the dad starts to get a little freaked and at night he hears his daughter praying again. she says “good night mom, good bye dad”. the dad I completely freaked out so when he goes to work that day he stays in his office. he is afraid of going home so he stays until closing. he comes home and his wife opens the door. she says “where have you been?” he says “I’ve had a rough day.” the wife says, “you’ve had a rough day? first of all in the morning the mailman drops dead in front of me.”
4869
4870	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqd68/plot_twist/
4871	%
4872	Fun-eral
4873
4874	There were three men at a buddy's funeral. They were discussing what they wanted people to say when they died. The first man said, "I want people to say he was a very generous man. What about you". The second man said, "I want people to say he was a kind and loving soul". Then, the third man said, "I want people to say 'Hey look, he's moving!'".
4875
4876	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqakg/funeral/
4877	%
4878	Girl asked if I was big down there. I said that it’s not big or small, it’s a medium…
4879
4880	It can talk to ghosts.
4881
4882	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq8ou/girl_asked_if_i_was_big_down_there_i_said_that/
4883	%
4884	Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine:
4885
4886	In one month divorce rates will spike.
4887	In 9 months birth rates will spike.
4888	In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens.
4889
4890	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq6ik/predictions_of_the_relationship_fallout_of/
4891	%
4892	My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
4893
4894	I don't have the coronavirus
4895
4896	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq4hk/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_coronavirus/
4897	%
4898	My girlfriend was just like a spicy burrito.
4899
4900	It hurt when she left me
4901
4902	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqpftc/my_girlfriend_was_just_like_a_spicy_burrito/
4903	%
4904	The story of an a blind alcaholic
4905
4906	A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a stool...
4907
4908	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqoyuy/the_story_of_an_a_blind_alcaholic/
4909	%
4910	Why did Jesus moan?
4911
4912	Because he was nailed.
4913
4914	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqoyko/why_did_jesus_moan/
4915	%
4916	Since we have to stay home, I’m setting up my pavilion and projector outside tonight. Watching Pulp Fiction, followed by the Kill Bill movies.
4917
4918	It’s a Tent & Quarantino marathon.
4919
4920	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqotiy/since_we_have_to_stay_home_im_setting_up_my/
4921	%
4922	Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
4923
4924	Because his wife is dead.
4925
4926	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqopsq/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_can/
4927	%
4928	Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...
4929
4930	The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"
4931	Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!"
4932	POOF
4933	She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
4934	The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"
4935	Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!"
4936	POOF
4937	Away she went!
4938	The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"
4939	With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"
4940	The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"
4941	And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.
4942	Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."
4943
4944	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqopks/three_nuns_passed_away_and_went_up_to_heaven_they/
4945	%
4946	I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,
4947
4948	but it was just a pigment of my imagination.
4949
4950	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqomah/im_color_blind_and_the_other_day_i_thought_i/
4951	%
4952	I got kicked out of math class.
4953
4954	Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?"
4955
4956	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqodze/i_got_kicked_out_of_math_class/
4957	%
4958	My son got suspended for defending himself against a bully
4959
4960	So I went to the school to see why that happened...
4961	“It’s against our policy to hit other students.” Says the principal.
4962	“So you’re telling me that anyone in your school who feels threaten in a situation shouldn’t even fight back?” I say
4963	“Yes”
4964	So I did what any rational adult would do and smacked her.
4965
4966	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqo8qq/my_son_got_suspended_for_defending_himself/
4967	%
4968	What did communists use before candles?
4969
4970	Electricity
4971
4972	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqo2fc/what_did_communists_use_before_candles/
4973	%
4974	A kindergarten teacher was playing a game with her class
4975
4976	The game involved little hard candies, handing one of each flavor to every student. She told her students to eat the red ones first, then guess what it tastes like. They all ate the red one and after a few minutes they guessed it tasted like Strawberries, they were correct. Next the teacher had them eat the orange one with the hint
4977	"the answer is in the name."
4978	They ate and guessed it tasted like orange. The green one was tricky, but they were able to guess it was lime. Then the teacher had them eat the clear white ones, these were honey flavored, but the children couldn't tell what it was.
4979	"I'll give you another hint." She told the class. "Sometimes your parents call each other this."
4980	Not a moment later, little Sally had a look of shock and spit hers out in fear.
4981	"Why did you spit yours out Sally?" The teacher asked.
4982	Sally on the verge of tears said loudly to the class. "Because they're assholes!"
4983
4984	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnudw/a_kindergarten_teacher_was_playing_a_game_with/
4985	%
4986	People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
4987
4988	Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision
4989
4990	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnti1/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/
4991	%
4992	I just watched Hugh Jackman...
4993
4994	Hugh need to turn your webcam off, man.
4995
4996	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnt00/i_just_watched_hugh_jackman/
4997	%
4998	I don't vaccinate my kids and they live to more than 80...
4999
5000	That's a lot of days.
5001
5002	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnlxc/i_dont_vaccinate_my_kids_and_they_live_to_more/
5003	%
5004	The Three Rabbit Brothers
5005
5006	Once upon a time there were three rabbit brothers named Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot.
5007	One day Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot took Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot is going to make it." That night Foot died.
5008	After the funeral the next day Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot Foot took Foot Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot Foot is going to make it."
5009	Foot Foot Foot said "I hope he does, because I already got one Foot in the grave."
5010
5011	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnivf/the_three_rabbit_brothers/
5012	%
5013	Open your mouth and say Ah
5014
5015	A beautiful young lady and her old mother went to the doctor.
5016	As they came in to the doctor’s office, he looked at the young lady and said: “Please get undressed and lay down on the bench over there, and we will soon know what is wrong with you”
5017	Her mother said: “No sir, it’s not her, it’s me who is ill. She just took me here.”
5018	The doctor looked over to the old lady and replied: “All right then, please open your mouth and say Ah”
5019
5020	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnffn/open_your_mouth_and_say_ah/
5021	%
5022	I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
5023
5024	"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
5025	"Fuck off" he shouted back.
5026	"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
5027
5028	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnb6a/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/
5029	%
5030	A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...
5031
5032	"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"
5033	But then, many people suddenly start yelling at the animals:
5034	"You need to be dealing with the coronavirus crisis Trump, Putin and Jinping!"
5035
5036	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqn6h6/a_chimpanzee_a_gorilla_and_a_baboon_are/
5037	%
5038	A vegan activist walks into a bar.
5039
5040	I only knew he was a vegan activist because he told everyone within two minutes.
5041
5042	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmz2c/a_vegan_activist_walks_into_a_bar/
5043	%
5044	i made a video about the pandemic
5045
5046	But i am afraid to release it because it might go viral.
5047
5048	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmyap/i_made_a_video_about_the_pandemic/
5049	%
5050	My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word
5051
5052	So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
5053
5054	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmhye/my_ex_and_i_had_a_safe_word/
5055	%
5056	Two friends walk into a bar
5057
5058	The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
5059	Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”
5060	The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.
5061	“What the hell is this?” He cries.
5062	“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.
5063	After a deep sigh and a quick glance to his buddy, he takes a deep bit from the apple. “Oh my god! Its vodka!” The man exclaims.
5064	The bartender says, ”Now turn it around and bite the other side”
5065	The man excitedly turns the apple and chomps on the other end. “This is amazing! Is that Sprite?”
5066	Friend 2 jumps in, “ No way man, let me try one” Bartender tosses him an apple, the man quickly takes bites from both sides and chews them together “Oh wow, it’s rum and coke!”
5067	Just then a third man sits down at the bar and watches them quizzically. “Where’d y’all get them apples from?”
5068	Friend 1 speaks up, “Hey man you gotta try this,” he points at the bartender, “this guy has apples in any flavor liquor you want!”
5069	Bartender nods and says, “ I have any flavor you want, not just liquor. Skittles, oranges, carrot...” he mumbles while rummaging under the counter.
5070	The third man speaks up, “You got one that tastes like pussy?”
5071	All 4 men exchange glances. “Uhhhh...actually yeah I do” says the bartender, who dutifully digs around the shelves, produces an apple and tosses it to the man.
5072	The man takes a large bite and quickly spits it out, “Oh my god! Thats awful! It tastes like shit!”
5073	Bartender says, “Oh. Turn it around.”
5074
5075	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmgzt/two_friends_walk_into_a_bar/
5076	%
5077	An Irish man frees a genie from a bottle
5078
5079	The genie pops out and exclaims “3 wishes! Whatever you want I shall grant!”
5080	The Irish man amazed at first says “I wish I had giant mug of beer!”
5081	“Granted!” Says the genie and poof, the beer appears in front of the Irish man.
5082	The Irish mans says “And I wish it would never run out of beer!”
5083	“Granted!” Says the genie, and sure enough the Irish man starts chugging the beer and as soon as he puts it down it refills.
5084	The genie then asks “And what about your third wish?”
5085	The Irish man stops and thinks for a min and finally says “I’ll take another one of these!”
5086
5087	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmay9/an_irish_man_frees_a_genie_from_a_bottle/
5088	%
5089	In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.
5090
5091	The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
5092	At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
5093	The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
5094	The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
5095	But the Catholic church came up with a more very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
5096	And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since
5097
5098	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqm8l8/in_a_small_american_town_a_band_of_squirrels_had/
5099	%
5100	If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:
5101
5102	Stamps = Lickie Stickie
5103	Defibrillators = Hearty Starty
5104	Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy
5105	Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby
5106	Bra = Breastie Nestie
5107	Fork = Stabby Grabby
5108	Socks = Feetie Heatie
5109	Hippo = Floatie Bloatie
5110	Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy
5111
5112	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlqhr/if_the_person_who_named_walkie_talkies_named/
5113	%
5114	Head Larger Than The Shaft...
5115
5116	Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
5117	After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
5118	When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
5119
5120	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqllep/head_larger_than_the_shaft/
5121	%
5122	Fun animal fact: You can take a cow up the stairs but not down
5123
5124	Think of the poor bastard who found it out the hard way
5125
5126	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlen8/fun_animal_fact_you_can_take_a_cow_up_the_stairs/
5127	%
5128	Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.
5129
5130	The first one says "Every morning I wake up at 6:00. At 6:30 I piss for half an hour, just standing there as piss dribbles out. At 7:00 I shit for an hour before I can squeeze anything out. I hate this life."
5131	The second one says "You think you got it bad? Every morning I wake up at 5:00. At 6:00 I piss for an hour, if I'm lucky. at 7:00 I shit for two hours, maybe something comes out. My life sucks."
5132	The third one says "You two think you got it bad? Lemme tell you! Every morning at 6:30 I piss like a faucet, just one continuous stream. At 7:00 I take a massive shit, it just slides straight out!"
5133	The first two look at him and say "So what are you complaining about, you got it made!"
5134	He says "Yeah, but I never wake up before 8:00!"
5135
5136	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlbt8/three_old_men_are_sitting_in_an_oldage_home/
5137	%
5138	WHEN CATS ARE SAD
5139
5140	Bartender: What'll ya have?
5141	Cat: Shot of rum
5142	[Bartender pours it]
5143	[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
5144	Cat: Another.
5145
5146	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fql95s/when_cats_are_sad/
5147	%
5148	If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear....
5149
5150	... do you think Greece would help?
5151
5152	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fql84r/if_russia_invaded_turkey_from_the_rear/
5153	%
5154	A bartender has a drink ready for his customer every evening.
5155
5156	He’s a doctor and every time he finishes work he comes to the bar for a hazelnut daiquiri. One night, the bar is all out of hazelnuts. The bartender rummages through the inventory but is only able to find hickory nuts. He improvises a drink in the nick of time.
5157	The doctor comes in right on time and takes a sip.
5158	“This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” He says.
5159	The bartender responds.
5160	“No. You got me, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”
5161
5162	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkor7/a_bartender_has_a_drink_ready_for_his_customer/
5163	%
5164	Police are like a box of chocolates....
5165
5166	They'll kill your dog.
5167
5168	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkltg/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/
5169	%
5170	The Perfect Son
5171
5172	Friend 1 - I have the perfect son.
5173	Friend 2 - Does he smoke?
5174	Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
5175	Friend 2 - Does he drink whiskey?
5176	Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
5177	Friend 2 - Does he ever come home late?
5178	Friend 1 - No, he doesn't.
5179	Friend 2 - I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
5180	Friend 1 - He will be six months old next Wednesday.
5181
5182	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkf3o/the_perfect_son/
5183	%
5184	My father ladies and gentlemen...
5185
5186	So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and then the sled driver would just “giver” down some snow covered back roads.
5187	Holding the rope with one hand you could steer the saucer by leaning. Object of the game was to knock the other guy off, preferably when he was on or near what were sometimes 10' embankments of ploughed snow at the side of the road.
5188	Hell of a lot of harmless fun for the most part, until one day it went bad.
5189	Paul and I had been bashing the hell out of each other for a while, and no one was coming off. I came at him quickly from my side of the road and made the initial impact with him just seconds before an old Ford Econoline “shagging wagon” with the classic big ole cb antenna on it, came round the bend in front of us.
5190	Long enough story short, I managed to stay over in our lane behind the sled, but as fate and all the timing that goes with it would have it, the van came even with us just as Paul bounced up the embankment, off a tree, and flipped over, on the wrong side of the road.
5191	Again, in a horrible twist of fate, he came down near the top of the van’s windshield, and the motion of the impact basically impaled him on the antenna that was jutting up from the top of the van.
5192	He survived the initial impact but later died in hospital. His blood system was poisoned by some ailment related to the dead insects that had beat him to the antenna.
5193	Maybe if he had had a flak jacket on he might have made it.
5194	Be careful out there folks. We all did some pretty risky stuff when we were younger.
5195	Wear protection.
5196	No one wants to die from a van aerial disease.....
5197
5198	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkexs/my_father_ladies_and_gentlemen/
5199	%
5200	A dad tells his son that he wants him to marry a girl of his choice.
5201
5202	“No” replies the son.
5203	“The girl is Bill Gates’ daughter” says the dad.
5204	“Ok then” replies the son.
5205	The dad goes to Bill Gates
5206	“Can your daughter marry my son?” asks the dad.
5207	“No” replies Bill Gates.
5208	“But my son is the CEO of World Bank” said the dad.
5209	“Then ok” says Bill Gates
5210	The dad goes to the president of World Bank.
5211	“Appoint my son as the CEO of your company” demands the dad.
5212	“No” replies the president.
5213	“But he is the son-in-law of Bill Gates” says the dad.
5214	“Ok” says the president.
5215	And that is how business is done.
5216
5217	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkcjd/a_dad_tells_his_son_that_he_wants_him_to_marry_a/
5218	%
5219	Four Fathers at the Bar
5220
5221	Father A, Father B, Father C and Father D were at the bar, enjoying their drinks and happily conversing about their successes in life.
5222	With a bladder full of liquid, Father D went to the toilet to take a shit.
5223	As the conversation continued between the others, it diverted towards how successful their children were.
5224	Father A said “My son is one of the most successful architects in the nation, he’s become so rich that he gifted a special friend an entire mansion”.
5225	Father B said “My son is one of the most successful pilots in the world, he’s so rich that he gifted his best friend a private jet.”
5226	Father C said “My son is one of the most popular YouTubers, he just gifted his friends a fleet of Ferraris”
5227	Father D returned from the toilet, hopefully having washed his hands (please be hygienic in the wake of Covid-19). His friends proceed to ask him about his son’s successes, when he replied...
5228	“My son is a gay stripper”
5229	Gobsmacked, bamboozled and flabbergasted... the other fathers replied by asking if he was ashamed of his son, to which his Father D replied...
5230	“Not at all. Recently, his satisfied clients have gifted him an entire mansion, a private jet and a fleet of Ferraris.”
5231
5232	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqk5j1/four_fathers_at_the_bar/
5233	%
5234	What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
5235
5236	Together we can stop this shit.
5237
5238	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqk0g3/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/
5239	%
5240	I don't usually tell anal jokes
5241
5242	Butt fuck it
5243
5244	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjwrw/i_dont_usually_tell_anal_jokes/
5245	%
5246	What’s a cats favourite console
5247
5248	The pspspspspspspsps4
5249
5250	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjtz9/whats_a_cats_favourite_console/
5251	%
5252	Two boxers light up a blunt
5253
5254	After a couple hours, both of them are pretty damn high, they start telling each other stories. One of them says, "Oh man, the other day I went on the craziest date with my wife. I got home after practice and told her to get ready. A couple minutes later we head out into that beautiful forest next to our cottage.
5255	While we're strolling through the forest, a lion comes out of the bushes. So I punch him and I kick him and I uppercut him all the way to Mars.
5256	We continue our stroll and it's all lovey dovey and we're having a splendid time. All of a sudden a tiger comes out of the bushes. So I punch him and I kick him and I uppercut him all the way to Jupiter.
5257	We continue our stroll and it's all lovey dovey and we're having a splendid time. All of a sudden a dinosaur..."
5258	His friend interrupts him, "Do I seem that stupid mate? Do you think I'm an idiot? What kind of woman gets ready in a couple minutes?"
5259
5260	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjt9c/two_boxers_light_up_a_blunt/
5261	%
5262	Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
5263
5264	"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
5265	Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"
5266	The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
5267	The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"
5268	The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
5269	The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
5270	Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."
5271	"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
5272	Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
5273	"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
5274	Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
5275	Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
5276	Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
5277	Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"
5278	Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
5279
5280	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjp40/donald_trump_met_with_the_queen_of_england_and/
5281	%
5282	Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown
5283
5284	Only essential oils can be bought.
5285
5286	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjnan/olive_oil_sale_prohibited_during_covid19_lockdown/
5287	%
5288	Today, I'm setting out to recapture my lost youth.
5289
5290	I could've sworn I locked the basement door.
5291
5292	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj5ec/today_im_setting_out_to_recapture_my_lost_youth/
5293	%
5294	I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time
5295
5296	I went to the zoo and saw an elephant..
5297
5298	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj5c3/ive_got_the_memory_of_an_elephant_i_remember_this/
5299	%
5300	I've just hired a landscape gardener, but he couldn't help me out
5301
5302	As my garden was portrait...
5303
5304	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj269/ive_just_hired_a_landscape_gardener_but_he/
5305	%
5306	A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
5307
5308	My dogs don't even own bikes
5309
5310	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqiz9x/a_policeman_just_knocked_on_my_door_and_said_my/
5311	%
5312	panda
5313
5314	So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do.
5315	Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin'
5316	So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some beers and is approached by a fine lady who asks him if he wants to go home with her.
5317	So the panda bear obliges and goes back to this gal's place for a night of wild sex.
5318	In the morning he gets up to leave to get back to the zoo, and she says
5319	"You can't leave you have to pay me"
5320	Panda bear says "why would I pay you"
5321	Girl says "I'm a prostitute"
5322	Panda bear says "yeah and I'm a Panda bear"
5323	Girl says "you don't understand".....grabbing a dictionary, she shows the Panda the definition of prostitute: Person who has sex in exchange for money
5324	Quickly thinking, the Panda Bear opens the dictionary to Panda and says "see, Panda Bear : Animal that eats bush and leaves"
5325	"Good-bye"
5326
5327	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqivwv/panda/
5328	%
5329	Quarantine going good so far
5330
5331	I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.
5332
5333	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqinmx/quarantine_going_good_so_far/
5334	%
5335	Two Dragons walk into a Bar
5336
5337	One says "It's getting Hot in here"
5338	The other "Shut your mouth"
5339
5340	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqin21/two_dragons_walk_into_a_bar/
5341	%
5342	I have been studying Russian with my friends and i realized we change b's into v's in the accent
5343
5344	My friends ask me if i still want to study russian and i said "If being russian makes my b's into v's then soviet."
5345	I was shot down by the FBI the next day.
5346
5347	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqiklc/i_have_been_studying_russian_with_my_friends_and/
5348	%
5349	A Roman walks into a bar
5350
5351	holds up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.”
5352
5353	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqihox/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/
5354	%
5355	How do you make a pound of fat look good?
5356
5357	Put a nipple on it
5358
5359	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqigg5/how_do_you_make_a_pound_of_fat_look_good/
5360	%
5361	Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
5362
5363	The first brother is the strongest.
5364	"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.
5365	"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
5366	"You see that mansion over there?"
5367	"Yeah?"
5368	"Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead."
5369	"Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest."
5370	The second brother to go is the oldest.
5371	"Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour.
5372	Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.
5373	"What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed.
5374	"You see that village over there?"
5375	"Yeah?" They said.
5376	"Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive."
5377	"Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience."
5378	The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it."
5379	He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph.
5380	In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.
5381	"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.
5382	"You see that giant tree over there?"
5383	"...Yeah?"
5384	"Well I sure fuckin' didn't."
5385
5386	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqif6a/three_vampire_brothers_decide_to_hold_a/
5387	%
5388	Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed
5389
5390	but it’s all water under the fridge now
5391	Credit u/kelly240361
5392
5393	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqibk0/day_12_of_quarantine_i_traversed_the_microwave/
5394	%
5395	A guy walks into a supermarket to buy some dog food.
5396
5397	After he puts the dog food at the cash register the cashier replies: "Sorry, you must prove that you have a dog to purchase that. It's a new rule". Angry, the guy leaves.
5398	The next day he comes to the supermarket to buy cat food. At the cash register, the cashier replies: "You can't buy that without proving that you have a cat". Furious, the guy exits the market.
5399	The following day he approaches the same cashier and gives him a box with a hole in it. "Stick your finger there please" asks the guy. Suspcious, the cashier puts his finger in the box and quickly removes it.
5400	"Now, smell it"
5401	"This smells like shit, is this a joke ?"
5402	"No, I just needed to buy some toilet paper"
5403
5404	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhqen/a_guy_walks_into_a_supermarket_to_buy_some_dog/
5405	%
5406	What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?
5407
5408	Gsus
5409
5410	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhk34/what_is_a_priests_favourite_guitar_chord/
5411	%
5412	My dad asked me if I was even listening to what he was saying.
5413
5414	That's one weird way to start a conversation.
5415
5416	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhgsu/my_dad_asked_me_if_i_was_even_listening_to_what/
5417	%
5418	A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
5419
5420	Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
5421	He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
5422	The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
5423	They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
5424	She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
5425	She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
5426	They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
5427	She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
5428	The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
5429	Only this time, she plays left-handed.
5430	The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
5431	They're totally amazed.
5432	They can't figure her out.
5433	She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
5434	They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
5435	The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
5436	This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
5437	The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
5438	However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
5439	This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
5440	They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
5441	The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
5442	"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
5443	The guys think this is hysterical.
5444	Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
5445	She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
5446
5447	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhfk2/a_woman_joins_a_country_club_and_when_she_hears/
5448	%
5449	I told my friends that i had a date with a really attractive girl....
5450
5451	they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.
5452
5453	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhak6/i_told_my_friends_that_i_had_a_date_with_a_really/
5454	%
5455	A mother is unsure about her depressed son's well-being
5456
5457	She asks him to clarify that he will not commit suicide, the boy tries to reassure her and replies:
5458	"Don't worry mom! Suicide is the last thing I'd do!"
5459
5460	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgs8n/a_mother_is_unsure_about_her_depressed_sons/
5461	%
5462	I want my women to be like my Covid
5463
5464	19 and easy to get
5465
5466	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgs89/i_want_my_women_to_be_like_my_covid/
5467	%
5468	If you donate a kidney
5469
5470	everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.
5471	But try donating five kidneys – people start yelling, police gets called – sheesh.
5472
5473	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgrpw/if_you_donate_a_kidney/
5474	%
5475	He'll never make it
5476
5477	Ireland on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!!
5478	On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement!
5479	Murphy shouts JESUS PADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ONLY 5.45! Paddy replies: I Know where he lives...... He’ll never fucking make it home by 6!!!
5480
5481	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgqm5/hell_never_make_it/
5482	%
5483	Pillow fight
5484
5485	The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.
5486	I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.
5487
5488	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgldx/pillow_fight/
5489	%
5490	A single sperm has about 37.5 mb of data in it. That would mean a single ejaculation would be a transfer of about 1.587 tb worth of data
5491
5492	That’s a lot of information to swallow, I know.
5493
5494	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgkpn/a_single_sperm_has_about_375_mb_of_data_in_it/
5495	%
5496	A man walks into his hometown bar, walked up to the bartender and was offered a deal.
5497
5498	The bartender offered, “If you can slap the steak that’s hung from the ceiling, drinks are on the house. If you can’t, then tonight’s drinks are on you”.
5499	The man considered for a long while before replying, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”
5500
5501	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgkm8/a_man_walks_into_his_hometown_bar_walked_up_to/
5502	%
5503	Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...
5504
5505	This is just the tip of the iceberg.
5506
5507	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqggox/quarantine_has_been_hard_ive_run_out_of_toilet/
5508	%
5509	A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
5510
5511	The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
5512
5513	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgaq3/a_woman_is_preparing_a_french_dinner_for_her/
5514	%
5515	I left my Chinese dumplings to cool on a third floor window ledge.
5516
5517	The police arrested me for wonton endangerment.
5518
5519	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg83m/i_left_my_chinese_dumplings_to_cool_on_a_third/
5520	%
5521	Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater
5522
5523	...than submarines in the sky?
5524
5525	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg4uo/did_you_know_that_there_are_more_airplanes/
5526	%
5527	My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
5528
5529	until my mom took the urn from me.
5530
5531	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg10r/my_favorite_childhood_memory_was_building/
5532	%
5533	Just noticed two large bumps on my car battery...
5534
5535	Had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
5536
5537	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfxtb/just_noticed_two_large_bumps_on_my_car_battery/
5538	%
5539	My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
5540
5541	So I packed up my things and right
5542
5543	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfvt2/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/
5544	%
5545	A Texan walks into an Irish pub
5546
5547	and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
5548	I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
5549	The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
5550	Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
5551	“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
5552	The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
5553	Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
5554	The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
5555	The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”
5556	The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
5557
5558	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfsti/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_pub/
5559	%
5560	Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
5561
5562	Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
5563	Murphy watches in amazement.
5564	The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
5565	So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
5566	“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
5567	“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.
5568
5569	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfrmu/paddy_and_murphy_are_working_on_a_building_site/
5570	%
5571	I got an email with subject "knock knock"
5572
5573	It was Jehovah's witnesses working from home
5574
5575	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqflp5/i_got_an_email_with_subject_knock_knock/
5576	%
5577	If Hooters started delivering
5578
5579	Would they change their name to knockers?
5580
5581	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfkol/if_hooters_started_delivering/
5582	%
5583	What‘s this COVID-19 thing everyone is talking about?
5584
5585	I don‘t get it.
5586	...maybe I should leave the house more often.
5587
5588	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfgpj/whats_this_covid19_thing_everyone_is_talking_about/
5589	%
5590	My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
5591
5592	I lost Interest in that relationship.
5593
5594	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqffcq/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3years/
5595	%
5596	Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure?
5597
5598	Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.
5599
5600	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfdbz/doctor_you_have_a_disease_but_we_can_treat_it/
5601	%
5602	Knock knock
5603
5604	Who's there?
5605	Hatch.
5606	Hatch who?
5607	THAT'S HIM, OFFICER. HE'S INFECTED!
5608
5609	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfcmk/knock_knock/
5610	%
5611	Where does a fish keep its money?
5612
5613	At the riverbank.
5614
5615	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqf8i6/where_does_a_fish_keep_its_money/
5616	%
5617	Inner peace during these uncertain times
5618
5619	I heard a doctor on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house for things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of Tequila, a bodle of some old Pinot, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum....
5620
5621	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqf2jk/inner_peace_during_these_uncertain_times/
5622	%
5623	Why can't football players wear glasses?
5624
5625	Because it's a contact sport
5626
5627	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqes0a/why_cant_football_players_wear_glasses/
5628	%
5629	Marriage is...
5630
5631	Marriage is knowing you never want your partner to die, but hating them for chewing too loud.
5632
5633	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqek6f/marriage_is/
5634	%
5635	To be frank,
5636
5637	I'd have to change my name.
5638
5639	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqejt6/to_be_frank/
5640	%
5641	I bought the world's worst thesaurus today.
5642
5643	Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible
5644
5645	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqej58/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_today/
5646	%
5647	When does a joke become a dad joke?
5648
5649	When it’s apparent.
5650
5651	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdz72/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/
5652	%
5653	Sending my thoughts and prayers
5654
5655	To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis
5656
5657	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdro1/sending_my_thoughts_and_prayers/
5658	%
5659	Son, want to hear a funny one?
5660
5661	Son: sure
5662	Dad: Quarantine.
5663	Son: why’s that funny?
5664	Dad: it’s an inside joke.
5665
5666	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdnfb/son_want_to_hear_a_funny_one/
5667	%
5668	The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.
5669
5670	W.H.O. let the dogs out.
5671
5672	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdnbi/the_world_health_organization_has_declared_that/
5673	%
5674	What do you call a sad noodle?
5675
5676	Upsetti spaghetti.
5677
5678	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqd0pm/what_do_you_call_a_sad_noodle/
5679	%
5680	What’s long and yellow and cannot swim?
5681
5682	A school bus full of children
5683
5684	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqct73/whats_long_and_yellow_and_cannot_swim/
5685	%
5686	$500!!!
5687
5688	A guy and his girlfriend are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The girl is just hopping out so she says, "I'll get it" She goes to the door with just a towel around her.
5689	There's a guy at the front door who looks at the half-naked beauty and says, "My name is Barry,I'll give you $500 to drop the towel"
5690	The girl thinks for a moment and decides, "What the heck". So she drops the towel. The guy gives her the $500 and leaves.
5691	She goes back upstairs where her boyfriend is just getting out of the shower. He asks, "who was at the door?" She says, "Oh, some guy named Barry"
5692	Boyfriend says, "Oh, that's my mate Barry, did he give you the $500 he owes me?"
5693
5694	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqcow9/500/
5695	%
5696	Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
5697
5698	"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.
5699	It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
5700	"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"
5701	The first caterpillar scoffs.
5702	"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
5703
5704	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqcixo/two_caterpillars_are_escaping_a_spider_they_climb/
5705	%
5706	Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.
5707
5708	He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United States and Europe, and had the machine scan every book published since the invention of the printing press. Finally Smith sat down at the console, took a deep breath, and typed, "Is there a God?"
5709	The monitor flickered, the hard drives clicked, and up on the screen came the words, "There is now!"
5710
5711	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqchms/smith_was_a_man_of_cold_facts_a_scientist_a/
5712	%
5713	I went into a brothel in Wales.
5714
5715	They charged me twenty quid entry fee and said I could choose one of the girls to spend some time with. But it turned out they had no women at all!
5716	I got fleeced.
5717
5718	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqc43b/i_went_into_a_brothel_in_wales/
5719	%
5720	Jesus is doing a crossword when he shouts in frustration
5721
5722	I'm stuck on 2 across!
5723
5724	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbrcz/jesus_is_doing_a_crossword_when_he_shouts_in/
5725	%
5726	So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...
5727
5728	...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
5729	Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."
5730
5731	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbe3y/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/
5732	%
5733	During boot camp training, a young mathematician is instructed to pull the pin of a grenade, count down from three and then throw.
5734
5735	He died by -6.
5736
5737	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbdy5/during_boot_camp_training_a_young_mathematician/
5738	%
5739	Went out for my state sanctioned, socially distant walk today...
5740
5741	...and I gotta say, a lot of guys seem to measuring six feet the way they measure six inches.
5742
5743	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqb4mk/went_out_for_my_state_sanctioned_socially_distant/
5744	%
5745	Deep in the Amazon jungle, a tribe witnessed white people for the first time...
5746
5747	...and immediately regretted installing TikTok.
5748
5749	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqb38l/deep_in_the_amazon_jungle_a_tribe_witnessed_white/
5750	%
5751	Why don’t black people go on cruises?
5752
5753	They’re not falling for that trick again.
5754
5755	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqavnq/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/
5756	%
5757	I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today.
5758
5759	I dropped my pants and bent over.
5760	They should have said it was a thermal scan!
5761
5762	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqalq3/i_got_sent_home_from_work_today_because_i_failed/
5763	%
5764	A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.
5765
5766	At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
5767	One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
5768	The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
5769	The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
5770	In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
5771	A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
5772	The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
5773	After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
5774	The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."
5775
5776	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqahk4/a_man_with_a_gold_claim_in_alaska_was_cursed/
5777	%
5778	How is the queen still alive?
5779
5780	Because she has been drinking imortali-tea.
5781
5782	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa8o8/how_is_the_queen_still_alive/
5783	%
5784	What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?
5785
5786
5787
5788	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa68f/what_did_the_reddit_user_say_after_detonating_a/
5789	%
5790	My friend asked what chord had the notes G, C, and D
5791
5792	Like Gsus man! Learn the chord names!
5793
5794	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa0cs/my_friend_asked_what_chord_had_the_notes_g_c_and_d/
5795	%
5796	The fact that all the bars are closed due to coronavirus has some big consequences.
5797
5798	I haven’t seen a “walked into a bar” joke here for days now.
5799
5800	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9sug/the_fact_that_all_the_bars_are_closed_due_to/
5801	%
5802	For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring..
5803
5804	On the other hand, you don’t.
5805
5806	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9n94/for_redditors_thinking_about_getting_married/
5807	%
5808	Why was Mary Magdalene upset with Jesus?
5809
5810	Bevause he holy ghosted her.
5811
5812	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9mcq/why_was_mary_magdalene_upset_with_jesus/
5813	%
5814	What do you call a director who likes to camp inside during a pandemic?
5815
5816	Tentin Quarentino
5817
5818	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9m01/what_do_you_call_a_director_who_likes_to_camp/
5819	%
5820	An English man was trying to teach a Japanese man how to tell time in English...
5821
5822	The English man says to the Japanese man, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at the clock and says “it’s 4 o’clock.”
5823	The English man asks again, 30 minutes later, “now what’s the time?” The Japanese man replies with “it’s 4:30 o’clock” the English man and Japanese man celebrate by going to a restaurant.
5824	After an hour of being at the
5825	restaurant, the English man asks the Japanese man again, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at his watch and replies with, “5:30 o’watch.”
5826
5827	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9gqr/an_english_man_was_trying_to_teach_a_japanese_man/
5828	%
5829	A new Chief takes over the Indian tribe..
5830
5831	It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
5832	When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
5833	Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
5834	"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
5835	indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
5836	responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
5837	A week later, he called the National Weather Service
5838	again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
5839	"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
5840	Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
5841	Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
5842	"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
5843	"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
5844	The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
5845
5846	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9esi/a_new_chief_takes_over_the_indian_tribe/
5847	%
5848	Bro, do you want this pamplet?
5849
5850	Brochure
5851
5852	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9c1l/bro_do_you_want_this_pamplet/
5853	%
5854	Which x-men member is hated by conservatives?
5855
5856	Caitlyn Jenner
5857
5858	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq99oe/which_xmen_member_is_hated_by_conservatives/
5859	%
5860	What does a 9volt battery and a girls butthole have in common?
5861
5862	You know you shouldn’t, but eventually you’ll put your tongue on it.
5863
5864	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9998/what_does_a_9volt_battery_and_a_girls_butthole/
5865	%
5866	My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
5867
5868	He was a poultry farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.
5869	After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken activities. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.
5870	When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.
5871	Why am I telling you all of this backstory? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
5872
5873	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq941j/my_grandfather_died_and_i_inherited_some_of_his/
5874	%
5875	How does an Eskimo build a house?
5876
5877	Igloos it together!
5878
5879	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq931o/how_does_an_eskimo_build_a_house/
5880	%
5881	Why is coronavirus like Groundhog Day? (The actual day, not the film)
5882
5883	If you stick your head outside and encounter another person, you get 6 more weeks of quarantine.
5884
5885	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq92rx/why_is_coronavirus_like_groundhog_day_the_actual/
5886	%
5887	9 Inch Pianist
5888
5889	A man walks into a bar with a bag. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.
5890	The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. He rubs it, and out pops an old, dusty genie. The man tells the bartender to make a wish.
5891	The Bartender wishes for 1 million bucks. Lo and Behold, rows of ducks begin walking into the bar and filling the entire area. Frustrated the bartender yells to the man "I wished for a million BUCKS!"
5892	To this the man replied, "Did you think I wanted a 9-inch Pianist?"
5893
5894	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8w22/9_inch_pianist/
5895	%
5896	An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.
5897
5898	One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
5899	“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious muffins, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery’.
5900	“And sure enough,” he continued. “The fifteenth time around the block, and there it was!”
5901
5902	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8tjh/an_overweight_businessman_decided_it_was_time_to/
5903	%
5904	What's the difference between a woman walking out of church and a woman walking out of the shower?
5905
5906	One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole
5907
5908	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8m6w/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_walking_out/
5909	%
5910	They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication.
5911
5912	But look who’s over here not lonely during the quarantine!
5913
5914	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8ch6/they_said_that_schizophrenia_is_an_illness_and_i/
5915	%
5916	What do cashews and prostitutes have in common?
5917
5918	It’s an expensive nut.
5919
5920	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq85f6/what_do_cashews_and_prostitutes_have_in_common/
5921	%
5922	Claude the Hypnotist
5923
5924	It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.
5925	After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for
5926	the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
5927	Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
5928	"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
5929	The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from
5930	his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
5931	"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch
5932	high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been
5933	in my family for six generations," said Claude.
5934	He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
5935	"Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"
5936	The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
5937	The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
5938	surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the
5939	gently swaying watch.
5940	They were all hypnotized.
5941	And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
5942	The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on
5943	impact.
5944	"SHIT," shouted Claude.
5945	It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Home and
5946	Claude was never invited back again.
5947
5948	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8362/claude_the_hypnotist/
5949	%
5950	Bartender
5951
5952	A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
5953	"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
5954	So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
5955	"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
5956	"How much money?" inquires the man.
5957	"4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man.
5958	"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with
5959	my wife." The man says,
5960	"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied,
5961	"The same thing I'm doing to his business."
5962
5963	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7ybb/bartender/
5964	%
5965	Due to Coronavirus, we officially now have three days of the week
5966
5967	1. Yesterday
5968	2. Today
5969	3. Tomorrow
5970
5971	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7k0u/due_to_coronavirus_we_officially_now_have_three/
5972	%
5973	90% of the time I know what you want.
5974
5975	A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."
5976	The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"
5977	I replied, "That's my job."
5978	Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."
5979	The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?
5980	I replied, "That's my job."
5981	This time a brunette walked in and I said, "Tampons, aisle 5."
5982	The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."
5983	I said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"
5984
5985	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7ajp/90_of_the_time_i_know_what_you_want/
5986	%
5987	Is there any way to put the pin of a grenade back in?
5988
5989	Guys, I'm gonna need a quick answer on this one..
5990
5991	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq765a/is_there_any_way_to_put_the_pin_of_a_grenade_back/
5992	%
5993	My grandpa warned that the Titanic would sink.
5994
5995	No one payed attention to him, but he kept on warning until people got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theater.
5996
5997	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6su4/my_grandpa_warned_that_the_titanic_would_sink/
5998	%
5999	Who needs stimulus money
6000
6001	When your wife didn't go shopping for two weeks!
6002
6003	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6pmu/who_needs_stimulus_money/
6004	%
6005	I tried to rickroll everyone on r/Jokes with a link but
6006
6007	You know the rules and so do I
6008
6009	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6noq/i_tried_to_rickroll_everyone_on_rjokes_with_a/
6010	%
6011	I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
6012
6013	I can also tell when they're standing.
6014
6015	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6ber/i_can_always_tell_just_by_looking_when_someone_is/
6016	%
6017	What's the difference between a scout and a Jew?
6018
6019	A scout comes back from their camp
6020
6021	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq61ft/whats_the_difference_between_a_scout_and_a_jew/
6022	%
6023	I used to live next door to a talking horse
6024
6025	We were Neeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigghhhhbours
6026
6027	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5sf8/i_used_to_live_next_door_to_a_talking_horse/
6028	%
6029	My last girlfriend had a lazy eye.
6030
6031	We broke up because I caught her seeing someone on the side.
6032
6033	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5qcd/my_last_girlfriend_had_a_lazy_eye/
6034	%
6035	My parents were murdered
6036
6037	And the detective was a duck
6038	Luckily he quacked the case in the end
6039
6040	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5jg2/my_parents_were_murdered/
6041	%
6042	How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver
6043
6044	My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
6045	Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
6046	Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
6047	"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
6048	The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
6049
6050	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5dsf/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/
6051	%
6052	Some people think it’s soooo fine, that a Sweden - Denmark soccermatch gets abbreviated as SWEDEN
6053
6054	But the abbrevition for Finland - Estonia is FINEST!
6055
6056	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5agj/some_people_think_its_soooo_fine_that_a_sweden/
6057	%
6058	Aussie help line
6059
6060	Helpline Agent: "G'day mate, Aussie help line ere, what's the problem cobber?
6061	Guy: "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her vagina has completely closed up"
6062	Helpline Agent: "Ah bummer mate!"
6063	Guy: "Cheers mate, I hadn't thought of that, bye!"
6064
6065	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq57np/aussie_help_line/
6066	%
6067	My wife said that with all this going on she’s not going to take our 4 week old to the hospital just to have his weight checked.
6068
6069	No weigh.
6070
6071	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4q7e/my_wife_said_that_with_all_this_going_on_shes_not/
6072	%
6073	My friend asked for tips to pick up women
6074
6075	I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.
6076
6077	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4pq5/my_friend_asked_for_tips_to_pick_up_women/
6078	%
6079	My wife has been missing for a year and the police said to me last night..
6080
6081	My wife has been missing a year and the police said to me last night, "I think you should expect the worst."
6082	So I've brought all her things back in from the shed.
6083
6084	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4hn9/my_wife_has_been_missing_for_a_year_and_the/
6085	%
6086	What did the Russian lesbian spy get charged with?
6087
6088	Lesbionage
6089
6090	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4bq2/what_did_the_russian_lesbian_spy_get_charged_with/
6091	%
6092	Did you hear about the Jamaican spicemaker who had sex before marriage?
6093
6094	He was a cinna-mon
6095
6096	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq49if/did_you_hear_about_the_jamaican_spicemaker_who/
6097	%
6098	An ok joke
6099
6100	Francis had memory loss. He was chatting with his friend, Richard, in his nursery home. Richard asks him “ Hey, how is that new memory clinic working out for you?”
6101	“It’s going great!” Francis said. “I can remember everything.”
6102	So then Richard asks him “ What’s the name of the clinic?”
6103	“Umm...What’s the name of that red flower with a long stem and thorns?” Francis asks.
6104	“Do you mean a Rose?”
6105	“Yeah.” So then he turns to his wife.
6106	“Hey Rose! What’s the name of that memory clinic?”
6107
6108	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq48h7/an_ok_joke/
6109	%
6110	A husband and a wife go to marriage Counseling. [Long]
6111
6112	A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.
6113	The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”
6114	“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
6115	“How does he drive you crazy?”
6116	“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things.
6117	First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
6118	The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
6119	“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
6120	“Hmm, anything else?”
6121	The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
6122	“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
6123	So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
6124	The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
6125	The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
6126	“What did he say?”
6127	“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
6128	The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
6129	The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
6130	The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
6131	“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
6132	The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble.
6133	And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
6134	“This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.”
6135	“What did he say?”
6136	The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”
6137
6138	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq420s/a_husband_and_a_wife_go_to_marriage_counseling/
6139	%
6140	How can you easily spot an optimist?
6141
6142	An Older person buying green bananas.
6143
6144	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3g7x/how_can_you_easily_spot_an_optimist/
6145	%
6146	What do women and KFC have in common?
6147
6148	After your done with the breast and thighs you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.
6149
6150	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3b3d/what_do_women_and_kfc_have_in_common/
6151	%
6152	I am so bored now, So I applied for The NHS volunteer scheme.
6153
6154	Turns out they've got enough gynaecologist, Just waiting to hear back from the breast clinic.
6155
6156	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3aso/i_am_so_bored_now_so_i_applied_for_the_nhs/
6157	%
6158	What do cats get when they get sick?
6159
6160	A purrscription
6161
6162	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq37dj/what_do_cats_get_when_they_get_sick/
6163	%
6164	A reporter visits a small village farm to interview a farmer about his sheep.
6165
6166	Reporter:So Billy,what do feed your sheep?
6167	Billy:I feed the white one corn mix.
6168	Reporter:what about the black one?
6169	Billy:I feed it corn mix as well.
6170	Reporter: Ok,where do your sheep sleep?
6171	Billy:the white one sleeps in the underground shack.
6172	Reporter:what about the black one?
6173	Billy: it sleeps in the underground shack as well.
6174	Reporter : OK......how old are your sheep?
6175	Billy:the white one's 11.
6176	Reporter:what about the black one?
6177	Billy: it's 11 as well.
6178	Repoerter:OK Billy,both of your sheep live the same way then why do you keep talking about them seperately?
6179	Billy:it's because the white one is mine.
6180	Reporter:what about the black one then?
6181	Billy: it's mine as well.
6182
6183	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq30g1/a_reporter_visits_a_small_village_farm_to/
6184	%
6185	A man walks up to a widow during a funeral:
6186
6187	“Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."
6188
6189	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq303j/a_man_walks_up_to_a_widow_during_a_funeral/
6190	%
6191	What do you call a chameleon that can't change colour?
6192
6193	A reptile dysfunction.
6194
6195	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2yok/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/
6196	%
6197	A husband and wife sit in their bed.
6198
6199	The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
6200	The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
6201
6202	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2svg/a_husband_and_wife_sit_in_their_bed/
6203	%
6204	Missionary Work
6205
6206	An American missionary travels to remote Amazonv village to spread the gospel. First, thing he realizes is that he needs to teach the natives English; as that's the only language he knows and has Bibles to distirbute. He ponders and finally approaches the headman of the village.
6207	As the walk along in the forest the missionary see's a bird and points as says "Bird", the villager looks and says "Bird". The missionary looks upwards and says praise the Lord this might work. They walk a little further, the missionary passes a tree and points and says "Tree", the villager looks and says "Tree". The missionary looks upwards again and says praise the Lord this might work.
6208	They continue with this and it seems to be working. Finally as they pass some bushes they see a couple having sex. The missionary thinks to himself; I don't want to teach them any "bad" words so he points at the couple and says "Riding a bicycle". In the blink of an eye, the villager pulls the bow off his back, notches an arrow, and shoots the man from the couple in the back.
6209	Then the the village points at the couple and says "Riding my bicycle".
6210
6211	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2j8r/missionary_work/
6212	%
6213	A man wins the lottery...
6214
6215	[I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes]
6216	A man wins the lottery after years of crippling debt and financial stress.
6217	His first idea is to quit his horrible job. Upon arrival at work and before he can say anything, he is summoned to the office of his boss.
6218	"I'm sorry, but we have to let you go due to changed priorities. As this is not your fault, you will be compensated with a severance pay of $50,000. I'll be happy to introduce you to any future employer. Again, I'm very sorry."
6219	Astonished and surprised, the man leaves his former work place and thinks about his next plans.
6220	He decides to buy his dream car.
6221	At the car dealership, he is greeted by confetti, flowers and large banderole reading "Congratulations, customer #100,000!"
6222	As the prize is a fancy sports car, he enthusiastically speeds home to finally tell his wife.
6223	Stepping into his home, he slowly tip-toes from room to room to be able to surprise her.
6224	After nearly checking the whole house, it almost seems like his wife is not at home, even though the door was not locked.
6225	Suddenly he sees that the ladder to the attic is lowered. Slowly ascending, he is overcome by a strong suspicion and starts to breathe heavily.
6226	And yes: there she is, dangling from a rope, a chair toppled over, a suicide note on the neatly placed shoes on the floor.
6227	The man stands silent for a minute and finally speaks to himself.
6228	"Well look at that! Seems like I'm on a roll today!"
6229
6230	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1vrz/a_man_wins_the_lottery/
6231	%
6232	Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...
6233
6234	Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
6235	Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
6236	Wife : "They gave those away."
6237	Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
6238	Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
6239	Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
6240
6241	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1oc9/wife_dreamed_that_she_was_attending_a_dick_auction/
6242	%
6243	COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines
6244
6245	If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?
6246	Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?
6247	Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.
6248	You can't spell virus without U and I.
6249	Baby, do you need toilet paper because I'm your Prince Charmin.
6250	I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.
6251	Without you my life is empty as a supermarket shelf.
6252	Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?
6253	You can't spell quarantine without "U-R-A-Q-T".
6254
6255	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1mj3/covid19_pickup_lines/
6256	%
6257	Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson were investigating a case.
6258
6259	Suddenly Dr. Watson started having constipation and he retired to the nearest lavatory.
6260	After some time passed, Holmes went to check up on Watson.
6261	"You all right in there, Watson?"
6262	"Yes, Holmes."
6263	"Still having bouts of constipation, don't you?"
6264	"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock."
6265
6266	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1fjh/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_john_watson_were/
6267	%
6268	A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow.
6269
6270	So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.
6271	When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.
6272	The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"
6273
6274	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1byg/a_group_of_snails_were_tired_of_the_stereotypes/
6275	%
6276	The poetry contest.
6277
6278	The rules were simple. Contestants were given a word, and five minutes to compose a four-line poem that used the word. The two finalists were an Oxford don and a undergrad from Ole Miss. The word was Timbuktu.
6279	The Oxford lecturer went first.
6280	"Across the burning desert sand / Wends a lonely caravan / Men and camels, two by two, / Destination: Timbuktu."
6281	Polite applause. Then it was the Southern kid's turn.
6282	"Me 'n' Tim a'huntin' went, / Met three hoors in a pop-up tent. / They was three 'n' we as two, / So I bucked one 'n' Timbuktu."
6283	He won.
6284
6285	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1bbh/the_poetry_contest/
6286	%
6287	Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips?
6288
6289	The BP station.
6290
6291	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1amq/where_do_bees_stop_to_use_the_bathroom_on_road/
6292	%
6293	Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart (NSFW)
6294
6295	He heard little boys pants were half off
6296
6297	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq18tj/why_did_michael_jackson_go_to_kmart_nsfw/
6298	%
6299	A King must give his kingdom to one of his sons, he gives them each a duck and a task...
6300
6301	There's a king in a far away kingdom. He had 3 son's all close in age and had not chose an heir.
6302	The 3 princes were old enough for him to decide, so he gives them each a duck. The king says, " which ever of you sale your duck for the most money will be the heir to the throne. Go my sons fulfill this task."
6303	The eldest prince leaves...
6304	A little later on the middle prince leaves...
6305	Finally the youngest son leaves, as he's walking thru the woods he thinks to himself, "I've never sold a thing in my life, the kingdom could never be mine"
6306	He walks hopelessly around the woods and eventually runs into a beautiful woman bathing in a pond. He is struck. He approaches her and says, "Excuse me ma'am you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I will give you this duck for sex".
6307	She agrees.
6308	When they finish he hands her the duck. She looks at the duck confused on what to do with it and says to the prince, "I will return this duck for one more go 'round".
6309	He agrees.
6310	After they got finished the prince heads back to the kingdom as its getting dark. He feels defeated as he is walking back duck still in hand.
6311	Suddenly the duck jumps out of his hands and an 18 wheeler suddenly runs it over flat! Devestated he picks up his flat duck. At that moment a guy on a 4 wheeler pulls up and says to the prince holding the flat duck, "Whoa! That's a bad ass duck dude I'll give you 5 dollars!"
6312	The prince agrees and heads back to the kingdom and all the princes meet back with their father. The eldest prince says, "I sold my duck for 1 dollar!" The second goes, "that's nothing I sold mine for 2 dollars!" The third prince smiling, says, "I got fuck for a duck. Duck for a fuck. And 5 dollars for one fucked up duck!"
6313
6314	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq16ow/a_king_must_give_his_kingdom_to_one_of_his_sons/
6315	%
6316	What do you call 100 Maleficents?
6317
6318	A Malefidollar
6319
6320	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq12wg/what_do_you_call_100_maleficents/
6321	%
6322	A Scottish teenage girl plays the guitar and writes a song
6323
6324	A Scottish teenage girl learns guitar and writes a song. When she performs it at the talent show, to her father's disapproval, she wears a crop top. During a guitar solo, her father walks up on stage and starts singing the song as if he's part of the act, and then he wraps her exposed belly with a towel. In shock, the girl says to her dad, "Why are you coverin' me mid-riff?"
6325
6326	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0rs7/a_scottish_teenage_girl_plays_the_guitar_and/
6327	%
6328	You know what they say, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”
6329
6330	Except for the Herpes, that shit comes homes with you.
6331
6332	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0q65/you_know_what_they_say_what_happens_in_vegas/
6333	%
6334	I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...
6335
6336	But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.
6337
6338	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0iww/im_not_saying_its_a_mistake_letting_my_girlfriend/
6339	%
6340	Came home from work to find the cake in my fridge missing. There was a note sitting where the cake was that said...
6341
6342	>“I broke into your house and saw the cake in your fridge, I didn’t steal anything else, only the cake in your fridge.”
6343	I was infuriated, what kind of a burglar steals cake?!
6344	I’ve had thieves take my bike, I’ve had thieves take my packages, but not like this, this one takes the cake.
6345
6346	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0erc/came_home_from_work_to_find_the_cake_in_my_fridge/
6347	%
6348	Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....
6349
6350	would end up getting a Prince Albert?
6351
6352	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0916/who_couldve_expected_conservative_party_member/
6353	%
6354	A young girl was sent to work in mines
6355
6356	A few days later someone pushed a piano down the mine shaft
6357	Resulted in A flat minor
6358
6359	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq07fl/a_young_girl_was_sent_to_work_in_mines/
6360	%
6361	Vegans don't live longer
6362
6363	It just feels like they do
6364
6365	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq06t2/vegans_dont_live_longer/
6366	%
6367	"Orion's belt is a big waste of space"
6368
6369	Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
6370
6371	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzyzr/orions_belt_is_a_big_waste_of_space/
6372	%
6373	Once I was a male who was trapped inside a female's body.
6374
6375	Then I was born.
6376
6377	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzr52/once_i_was_a_male_who_was_trapped_inside_a/
6378	%
6379	R. Kelly has asked to be released from prison after being concerned about catching COVID-19.
6380
6381	I bet if it was COVID-13 he wouldn't mind catching it at all.
6382
6383	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpznhj/r_kelly_has_asked_to_be_released_from_prison/
6384	%
6385	A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”
6386
6387	Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
6388	After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
6389	She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
6390	After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
6391	"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
6392	I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
6393	He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
6394	She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
6395	Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
6396	"I can see your feet.
6397	We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
6398
6399	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzmy0/a_woman_cranky_because_her_husband_was_late/
6400	%
6401	Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.
6402
6403	As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.
6404	"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."
6405	The first man steps forward.
6406	"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floor apartment to another man's clothes at the foot of you and your wife's bed. I didn't have to imagine, and I didn't stand for it. I had to look for this bastard. So I ran around, searching high and low, until I found someone hanging on to the window sill. I hit his fingers until he falls all six stories but he somehow survives by falling onto some trash bags. I grab the nearest heavy object-which happens to be the refrigerator-and throw it down at him. In my anger, I didn't realize that the plug had wrapped around my ankle, so I ended up falling to my death."
6407	"Well," said Peter, "Normally we don't allow murderers in here, but I think it was for a righteous enough reason. You pass."
6408	As the first man walks into Heaven, the second man steps forward.
6409	"Imagine this. You're a window washer, doing your rounds on the seventh floor of an apartment building. You slip and fall, but somehow you catch yourself on the window sill of the floor below. All of a sudden, this random asshat starts smashing at your fingers. Anyways, I fell and my life flashed before my eyes. By some miraculous fate, I was somehow safe! I had landed on some garbage bags and survived. Then I look up and see a fridge falling from the sky."
6410	Peter laughed. "Well, I don't think you did anything particularly wrong. You can come in."
6411	As the second man entered the gates, Saint Peter turned to the last man. "What about you?"
6412	"So imagine you've just finished fuckin' some dude's wife. Then you hide in the refrigerator."
6413
6414	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzlz8/three_men_arrive_in_heaven_at_the_same_time/
6415	%
6416	I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
6417
6418	I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
6419
6420	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzj4i/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/
6421	%
6422	White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord.
6423
6424	After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.
6425	"Ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"
6426	"Mmm yes"
6427	"See they are all white, but that one black one?"
6428	"Mmm yes"
6429	"Does that help you to understand?"
6430	"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep"
6431
6432	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzcll/white_priest_goes_and_lives_with_an_african_tribe/
6433	%
6434	So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life
6435
6436	I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.
6437
6438	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpz8wi/so_i_decided_to_incorporate_twitter_into_my_daily/
6439	%
6440	What do you call a British girl who likes to keep track of things?
6441
6442	a Tally Hoe.
6443
6444	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyxa0/what_do_you_call_a_british_girl_who_likes_to_keep/
6445	%
6446	I just married a trophy wife..
6447
6448	Her ears stick out and she has a list of previous boyfriends tattooed down her back...
6449
6450	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyu1l/i_just_married_a_trophy_wife/
6451	%
6452	I like my salad how I like my woman
6453
6454	All vegetables
6455
6456	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyta2/i_like_my_salad_how_i_like_my_woman/
6457	%
6458	Last week i launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds..
6459
6460	Today i hit one of the little shits with it..
6461
6462	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyk1d/last_week_i_launched_a_book_aimed_at_9_to_12_year/
6463	%
6464	As a kid i was really mean to my kid brother, i once convinced him to swallow a torch..
6465
6466	It was worth it just to see his little face light up..
6467
6468	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyffa/as_a_kid_i_was_really_mean_to_my_kid_brother_i/
6469	%
6470	I used to be a fortune teller but i was really bad at it as i could only predict really bad winter storms..
6471
6472	Turns out i was using a snow globe...
6473
6474	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpybox/i_used_to_be_a_fortune_teller_but_i_was_really/
6475	%
6476	my son is a male trapped in a female body
6477
6478	he'll be born in may.
6479
6480	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpybj5/my_son_is_a_male_trapped_in_a_female_body/
6481	%
6482	What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
6483
6484	If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts!
6485
6486	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpy8i2/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/
6487	%
6488	If you dress up a pug like gru from despicable me
6489
6490	You get a group hug.
6491
6492	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpy0gy/if_you_dress_up_a_pug_like_gru_from_despicable_me/
6493	%
6494	I really need to get something off my chest
6495
6496	It’s your mom. Get the crane.
6497
6498	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxxmu/i_really_need_to_get_something_off_my_chest/
6499	%
6500	New quarantine pickup line:
6501
6502	Hey baby, just call me COVID-19, because I want to be inside you for 14 days without you knowing.
6503	Was told this was inappropriate at work.
6504
6505	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxuz1/new_quarantine_pickup_line/
6506	%
6507	I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...
6508
6509	In reality it's because I banged her mom.
6510
6511	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxtgc/i_call_my_wife_bambi_she_thinks_its_because_shes/
6512	%
6513	How do bodybuilders combat coronavirus?
6514
6515	Whey Isolate
6516
6517	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxouo/how_do_bodybuilders_combat_coronavirus/
6518	%
6519	My girlfriend's brother had a baby.
6520
6521	You want aunts? 'Cause that's how you get aunts.
6522
6523	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxkyu/my_girlfriends_brother_had_a_baby/
6524	%
6525	I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.
6526
6527	She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
6528
6529	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxj09/i_just_asked_the_wife_to_get_into_her_nurses/
6530	%
6531	My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
6532
6533	It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
6534
6535	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxizp/my_girlfriend_really_changed_after_she_became/
6536	%
6537	I love you.
6538
6539	"I love you, Mom."
6540	"What?"
6541	"I love you, Mom."
6542	"I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear it again."
6543
6544	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxft2/i_love_you/
6545	%
6546	There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months
6547
6548	In 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens.
6549
6550	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxetc/there_will_be_a_minor_baby_boom_in_9_months/
6551	%
6552	A performer on stage asks his audience if anyone there has ever seen a ghost.
6553
6554	Some people in the audience raise their hand.
6555	The performer continues and asks if anyone present had ever spoken to a ghost.
6556	Only a few people raise their hand.
6557	The performer then asks if anyone in the audience has ever had sexual relations with a ghost.
6558	An old man at the back of the audience raises his hand and so the performer repeats "sir you had sex with a ghost"
6559	To which the old man replies " oh sorry, i thought you said goat"
6560
6561	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx7st/a_performer_on_stage_asks_his_audience_if_anyone/
6562	%
6563	Is sex work?
6564
6565	A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
6566	staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
6567	colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
6568	He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
6569	he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
6570	question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
6571	"pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work .
6572	A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
6573	favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
6574	time.
6575	There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in
6576	charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
6577	Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
6578	100% pleasure."
6579	The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
6580	"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
6581	doing it for them."
6582
6583	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx7at/is_sex_work/
6584	%
6585	Jesus needs to get back on the cross
6586
6587	And take one for the team
6588
6589	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx4ln/jesus_needs_to_get_back_on_the_cross/
6590	%
6591	I know why there is so much incest in Alabama.
6592
6593	Since you can’t serve on a jury for a family member, you can avoid jury duty by being related to everybody
6594
6595	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwjz5/i_know_why_there_is_so_much_incest_in_alabama/
6596	%
6597	Why doesn’t Bernie Sanders like hand sanitizer?
6598
6599	Because it protects the 0.01%
6600
6601	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwh6w/why_doesnt_bernie_sanders_like_hand_sanitizer/
6602	%
6603	"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"
6604
6605	"Of course we will. We're Progressive."
6606
6607	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwcnm/the_car_insurance_company_down_the_road_wouldnt/
6608	%
6609	What do lesbians and turtles have in common?
6610
6611	They both choke on plastic...
6612
6613	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwc3j/what_do_lesbians_and_turtles_have_in_common/
6614	%
6615	If you get an e-mail from the CDC about tins of pork being contaminated with COVID-19, don’t open it.
6616
6617	It’s Spam.
6618
6619	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwb3g/if_you_get_an_email_from_the_cdc_about_tins_of/
6620	%
6621	So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...
6622
6623	Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
6624
6625	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpw6y7/so_boris_johnson_has_tested_positive_for_covid19/
6626	%
6627	Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance.
6628
6629	So I pushed her over.
6630
6631	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvuaj/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/
6632	%
6633	A farmer had three daughters, all of whom had dates on the same night.
6634
6635	The first date knocks on the door and says to the farmer,
6636	“Hello, I’m Eddy and I’m here to take Betty out for a plate of spaghetti.”
6637	The farmer lets them go.
6638	The next date comes to the door and says,
6639	“Hello, I’m Beau and I’m here to take Flo to the show.”
6640	The farmer lets them go.
6641	The third date comes to the door and says,
6642	“Hello, I’m Chuck...”
6643	So the farmer shot him.
6644
6645	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvti5/a_farmer_had_three_daughters_all_of_whom_had/
6646	%
6647	He asked: how do you f‌‌eel a‌‌bout s‌‌ex?
6648
6649	She replied: well I like it i‌‌nfrequently.
6650	He said: is that o‌‌ne word or t‌‌wo?
6651
6652	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvr3o/he_asked_how_do_you_feel_about_sex/
6653	%
6654	I'd like to thank my dad for coming...
6655
6656	Without him I wouldn't be here
6657
6658	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvp48/id_like_to_thank_my_dad_for_coming/
6659	%
6660	I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
6661
6662	Because it had a bad driver!
6663	drops mic
6664
6665	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvebp/i_give_to_you_a_joke_i_made_up_when_i_was_seven/
6666	%
6667	Toilet paper hoarding mystery has been solved.
6668
6669	When one person sneezes nine shit themselves.
6670
6671	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvapb/toilet_paper_hoarding_mystery_has_been_solved/
6672	%
6673	Parish Priest
6674
6675	The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
6676	On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
6677	The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'
6678	'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
6679	'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B#tch fish!'
6680	'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B#tch!'
6681	Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
6682	'Father, that's the biggest Son of a B#tch I've ever seen'
6683	'Yes, it is a big Son of a B#tch. What should I do with it?'
6684	'Why, eat it, of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B#tch!'
6685	Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
6686	While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
6687	'Take a look at this big Son of a B#tch I caught!'
6688	Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
6689	'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B#tch fish!'
6690	'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B#tch?'
6691	Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B#tch for his dinner.
6692	'I'll even clean the Son of a B#tch', she said.
6693	As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
6694	'What are you doing Sister?'
6695	'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B#tch for the new Bishop's Dinner'
6696	'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
6697	'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B#tch Fish.'
6698	'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a B#tch can be the main course!
6699	Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B#tch.'
6700	On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
6701	The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
6702	'I caught that Son of a B#tch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
6703	'And I cleaned the Son of a B#tch!' exclaimed the Sister.
6704	The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a B#tch, using a special recipe!
6705	The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You mother f---ers are my kind of people!'
6706	Reply
6707
6708	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpuw8i/parish_priest/
6709	%
6710	I really made my spouse angry when I opened the shower curtain and yelled "peek a boobs!"
6711
6712	He says he's been going to the gym and I really need to be more supportive.
6713
6714	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpuvbi/i_really_made_my_spouse_angry_when_i_opened_the/
6715	%
6716	What do you call the slums in Italy?
6717
6718	Spaghetto
6719
6720	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpumiw/what_do_you_call_the_slums_in_italy/
6721	%
6722	What did the leper say to the prostitute?
6723
6724	Keep the tip
6725
6726	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpumf7/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/
6727	%
6728	A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...
6729
6730	Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?
6731	Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?
6732	Man: Will you just try the soup.
6733	Waiter: Is it too hot?
6734	Man: Will you just try the soup
6735	Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?
6736	Man: Will you just try the damned soup son
6737	Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...
6738	Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!
6739	Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.
6740	Man: Exactly.
6741
6742	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpu9qe/a_man_ordered_the_soup_at_a_restaurant_and_asked/
6743	%
6744	A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
6745
6746	When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
6747	She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
6748	Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
6749	The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
6750	The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
6751
6752	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpu7ed/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/
6753	%
6754	Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]
6755
6756	A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.
6757	She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"
6758	The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."
6759	Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... "
6760	Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.
6761	When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...."
6762	"...pay you" replied the old man.
6763
6764	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fptzpc/old_man_and_the_prostitute_nsfw/
6765	%
6766	A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.
6767
6768	He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
6769	"What colour?" she asked.
6770	He settled for white.
6771	"How much does it cost?" he asked.
6772	"Twenty-four dollars."
6773	"Expensive, but ok," he thought.
6774	All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
6775	"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
6776	"No," he said, "nothing like that."
6777	"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
6778	He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?
6779
6780	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fptpj7/a_married_man_thought_he_would_give_his_wife_a/
6781	%
6782	A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street
6783
6784	and while passing a store a robber comes running out and shoots her 3 times in the stomach. She is rushed off to hospital and the doctor evaluates the situation and says the babies are fine and he opts not to operate on the kids as she could lose them.
6785	So 16 years later, the first daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong. She narrates to the mother that she was taking a pee and a bullet fell out, the mother understands and comforts the daughter and tells the daughter the story of 16 years ago
6786	A week later the second daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong, the second daughter also narrates the experience of taking a pee and a bullet fell out. Mother again comforts her daughter and tells the story of 16 years ago
6787	A week later the son comes into the room crying and the mother immediately comforts him and says let me guess you were taking a pee and a bullet fell out? To which the son replies no mom... I was taking a wank and I shot the dog.
6788
6789	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpt0uc/a_lady_pregnant_with_triplets_walks_down_the/
6790	%
6791	Corona cases in North Korea are represented in binary.
6792
6793	Number of cases is either 1 or 0
6794
6795	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsv9h/corona_cases_in_north_korea_are_represented_in/
6796	%
6797	What do you call a very small bottle of soda?
6798
6799	Minnesota.
6800
6801	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsjx7/what_do_you_call_a_very_small_bottle_of_soda/
6802	%
6803	Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
6804
6805	He was lucky it was a soft drink.
6806
6807	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsgdd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_in_the/
6808	%
6809	I can't even.
6810
6811	Explains why I'm odd.
6812
6813	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprsib/i_cant_even/
6814	%
6815	I was talking to my girl the other day, and I told her I came up with a poetic analogy for our relationship.
6816
6817	“You’re like my phone case,” I told her.
6818	“Aww, what does that mean?”
6819	“I paid $20 just to fuck you up.”
6820
6821	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprlex/i_was_talking_to_my_girl_the_other_day_and_i_told/
6822	%
6823	Stop saying your life is a joke!
6824
6825	A joke has meaning.
6826
6827	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprerv/stop_saying_your_life_is_a_joke/
6828	%
6829	How many jokes about Indian food do you know?
6830
6831	Naan.
6832
6833	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprbc2/how_many_jokes_about_indian_food_do_you_know/
6834	%
6835	Put this with the song from the Lego Movie "Everything Is Awesome"
6836
6837	Everything is cancelled,
6838	everything is cancelled 'cause of COVID-19,
6839	Everything is cancelled,
6840	Because of quarantine.
6841	You're welcome
6842
6843	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpragv/put_this_with_the_song_from_the_lego_movie/
6844	%
6845	A barely NSFW joke for ya!
6846
6847	Whats the most sensitive body part when your masturbating?
6848	Your ears.
6849
6850	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqz58/a_barely_nsfw_joke_for_ya/
6851	%
6852	Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day.
6853
6854	Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year!
6855
6856	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqwtb/put_a_spoon_under_your_pillow_cancel_school_for_a/
6857	%
6858	I feel bad for Jehovah's Witnesses
6859
6860	It must be hard for them to stay home and mind their fucking business.
6861
6862	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqw62/i_feel_bad_for_jehovahs_witnesses/
6863	%
6864	What's a dinosaur which recently had anal called?
6865
6866	A Mega-sore-ass.
6867
6868	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqsrz/whats_a_dinosaur_which_recently_had_anal_called/
6869	%
6870	The quarantine isn't funny to a lot of people...
6871
6872	It's an inside joke.
6873
6874	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqsii/the_quarantine_isnt_funny_to_a_lot_of_people/
6875	%
6876	My wife called me at work and asked,
6877
6878	"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
6879	Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."
6880	She responded, "How 'bout now?"
6881
6882	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqq8r/my_wife_called_me_at_work_and_asked/
6883	%
6884	We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
6885
6886	Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
6887
6888	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqi7s/we_are_11_days_into_selfisolation_ands_it_is/
6889	%
6890	If I had a nickel every time I was confused
6891
6892	I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
6893
6894	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqhbi/if_i_had_a_nickel_every_time_i_was_confused/
6895	%
6896	My doctor asked me what my blood type was, I said O-
6897
6898	He asked, "Are you sure?"
6899	I said, "Oh, I'm positive!"
6900
6901	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpq9jz/my_doctor_asked_me_what_my_blood_type_was_i_said_o/
6902	%
6903	I don't have enough bandwidth to connect to PornHub
6904
6905	Now my Fitbit will think I'm lazy
6906
6907	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpq8ms/i_dont_have_enough_bandwidth_to_connect_to_pornhub/
6908	%
6909	I'll never marry a tennis player
6910
6911	Love means nothing to them
6912
6913	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fppwxh/ill_never_marry_a_tennis_player/
6914	%
6915	Dating a blind woman is easy,
6916
6917	You know they won't be seeing anyone else.
6918
6919	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpphvv/dating_a_blind_woman_is_easy/
6920	%
6921	Why do girl scout cookies taste so good?
6922
6923	child labor
6924
6925	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpp1zh/why_do_girl_scout_cookies_taste_so_good/
6926	%
6927	NSFW Rooster likes to fuck.
6928
6929	OK so there's this farmer and he has a rooster, and this rooster loves to fuck. The farmer comes out of the house one morning and finds all his chickens have been fucked to death by this rooster. He says to the rooster, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster says, "nah man, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking" . The next day comes and the farmer goes outside and all his cows have been fucked to death by the rooster again. He goes up to the rooster and tells him again, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster responds the same way, "no way, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking". This goes on a few more days til all the horses, the pigs, even the dog, had been fucked to death. The farmer thinking that everything will calm down now is shocked, when he goes out the next day and see buzzards circling in the sky. He runs towards them and sees the rooster stretched out on the ground. He falls to his knees and says, "damn it rooster I told you that all that fucking was going to kill you"! The rooster opens one eye, points toward the sky, "shhhh pussy".
6930
6931	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpotfi/nsfw_rooster_likes_to_fuck/
6932	%
6933	Arab
6934
6935	A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
6936	The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
6937	"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
6938	"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body," said the father.
6939	The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?"
6940	His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
6941	"So tell me then," added the boy.
6942	"Yes, my son?"
6943	"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit?
6944
6945	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpotf1/arab/
6946	%
6947	A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
6948
6949	A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
6950	"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
6951	Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
6952	He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
6953	Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
6954	pulls back the covers.
6955	She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
6956	She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
6957	The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
6958	"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
6959	"Are - my - test - results - back?"
6960
6961	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoo08/a_suspected_covid19_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed/
6962	%
6963	My current hairstyle is perfect for tonight's Silent Disco.
6964
6965	It's got absolutely no volume
6966
6967	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpogpr/my_current_hairstyle_is_perfect_for_tonights/
6968	%
6969	What do Germans call a dead battery?
6970
6971	A Nein- volt
6972
6973	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoe5p/what_do_germans_call_a_dead_battery/
6974	%
6975	Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm
6976
6977	Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money back, the wise man confused asks whether his apples were stolen, the neighbor replied that they hadn't, then why do you want your money back? The Wiseman asked so the neighbor showed him the sign that had a new addition to it:
6978	Now there are two!
6979
6980	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpocqk/little_kevin_had_a_habit_of_stealing_apples_from/
6981	%
6982	instead of 'coronials'
6983
6984	how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups".
6985
6986	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoauf/instead_of_coronials/
6987	%
6988	What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
6989
6990	One sells watches; one watches cells.
6991
6992	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpo9y7/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweler_and_a/
6993	%
6994	What do you call an asian girl with only one leg?
6995
6996	Irene
6997
6998	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpo6ys/what_do_you_call_an_asian_girl_with_only_one_leg/
6999	%
7000	America is #1 again.
7001
7002	We're literally sick of winning.
7003
7004	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnppx/america_is_1_again/
7005	%
7006	Knock knock
7007
7008	Who's there?
7009	Ach.
7010	Ach who?
7011	You're not infected, are you?
7012
7013	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnpns/knock_knock/
7014	%
7015	Superman and Chuck Norris once agreed to a fight.
7016
7017	The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants for the rest of their life
7018
7019	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnnju/superman_and_chuck_norris_once_agreed_to_a_fight/
7020	%
7021	Did you hear State Farm has a new slogan?
7022
7023	Like a good neighbor stay over there
7024
7025	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpndyb/did_you_hear_state_farm_has_a_new_slogan/
7026	%
7027	I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there
7028
7029	But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!
7030
7031	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpn2cm/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_criticising_youtube_and/
7032	%
7033	As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
7034
7035	"Y'know, one would have been enough."
7036
7037	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmvqu/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/
7038	%
7039	Due to COVID-19...
7040
7041	I've begun laundering my money.
7042
7043	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmnnf/due_to_covid19/
7044	%
7045	Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: “Cargo space?”
7046
7047	He looked at me and said: “No car no do that car no fly”
7048
7049	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmj2g/today_i_went_to_buy_a_new_car_i_asked_the/
7050	%
7051	Where does everyone in Alabama play games on their phone?
7052
7053	Mobile.
7054
7055	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmhyu/where_does_everyone_in_alabama_play_games_on/
7056	%
7057	What does Usain Bolt do when he misses his bus?
7058
7059	He waits for it at the next stop
7060
7061	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpm68t/what_does_usain_bolt_do_when_he_misses_his_bus/
7062	%
7063	Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane
7064
7065	So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand.
7066	"listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine."
7067	Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound sexuality and on a normal day he would "wash" his rag over 30 times!
7068	Jane became exhausted and decided to avoid Tarzan whenever he was horny. At first Tarzan was confused and angry so he retreated into the jungle.. After some time Jane was again in need of the D but could not find Tarzan anywhere. After a long search she found him and asked him where had he been and why hadn't he searched for her washing machine anymore...
7069	He replied: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand"
7070
7071	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplrx7/tarzan_knew_nothing_about_sex_when_he_met_jane/
7072	%
7073	Mississippi Grandma
7074
7075	Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
7076	In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
7077	The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
7078	She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
7079	youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
7080	The defense attorney nearly died.
7081	The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
7082	'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
7083
7084	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplpka/mississippi_grandma/
7085	%
7086	Well, I don't drink anymore.
7087
7088	To be fair, I don't drink any less.
7089
7090	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplore/well_i_dont_drink_anymore/
7091	%
7092	What do you call a homeless woodwind instrument?
7093
7094	a hoboe
7095
7096	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplm6l/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_woodwind_instrument/
7097	%
7098	Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"
7099
7100	I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"
7101
7102	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplfxj/ordered_a_chinese_earlier_in_the_day_the_chinese/
7103	%
7104	I had a doughtnut shop but ended up selling it...
7105
7106	I was fed up of the hole business
7107
7108	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplcah/i_had_a_doughtnut_shop_but_ended_up_selling_it/
7109	%
7110	Son: Mom, why is my sister's name Paris?
7111
7112	Mom: We conceived her when we were in Paris. Now finish your lunch, Quarantino.
7113
7114	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkvvd/son_mom_why_is_my_sisters_name_paris/
7115	%
7116	If you get an email with the subject knock-knock
7117
7118	Don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.
7119
7120	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkuwe/if_you_get_an_email_with_the_subject_knockknock/
7121	%
7122	I recently heard about a submarine that recycles an astonishing 95% of its junk.
7123
7124	I personally think this sub is doing even better!
7125
7126	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkust/i_recently_heard_about_a_submarine_that_recycles/
7127	%
7128	[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard.
7129
7130	A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head. "Get some toilet paper" he said. "What for?" the blonde asked. "He must be half a mile away by now"
7131
7132	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkmoh/blonde_a_blonde_woman_and_her_boyfriend_were/
7133	%
7134	On a beautiful lake in the middle of a forest...
7135
7136	is a small water strider minding its own business. Right above him, on a small branch sits a spider.
7137	"Oh boy, I'm totally jumping down there and have that water strider for breakfast!" it thinks.
7138	Right under the surface swims a fish. "Yummy, when the spider jumps down on the water strider, I'm gonna shoot up and eat them both!"
7139	Close to the shore lurks a bear. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots out of the water, I'm gonna catch it midair and have a nice meal!"
7140	On the other side of the lake patiently waits a hunter. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots up to eat them both, and the bear comes out to catch the fish, I'll shoot the bear!"
7141	Next to the hunter sits a small, tiny mouse. "When the spider eats the water strider, and the fish the spider, and the bear the fish, and the hunter shoots the bear, he'll be distracted so I can steal the cheese sandwich from his bag.
7142	Next to the mouse sneaks a cat. "When the spider gets the water strider, the fish the spider, the bear the fish, the hunter the bear, then the mouse will come out so I can catch it!"
7143	All is thought and done. The spider jumps down and catches the water strider. Suddenly, the fish shoots up and catches them both, only to be caught midair by the bear. The hunter aims and shoots the bear. The mouse snatches the cheese. The cat runs to the mouse, trys to catch it, misses and falls straight into the lake.
7144	The moral of the story?
7145	The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy.
7146
7147	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkmmx/on_a_beautiful_lake_in_the_middle_of_a_forest/
7148	%
7149	An elderly married couple goes to the state fair...
7150
7151	They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides.
7152	Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?"
7153	Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was always "Honey, that ride is twenty dollars, and twenty dollars is twenty dollars."
7154	This time, the man running the helicopter rides overhears the conversation and chimes in "Look, you two have been coming here year after year and never once have you taken a ride. Tell you what: I'll make you a deal. If I take you on a ride, and you can manage to stay silent the entire time, it's on the house."
7155	Ethel exclaims "Oh please Lester! I can be quiet, and I know you can. Let's face it, we're both getting on in years, this could be our last chance!"
7156	Lester relents, and agrees.
7157	They climb into the helicopter and the pilot takes off. He does everything he can to get a reaction from the two. Going up, down, side to side... If you could do a barrel roll in a helicopter, he'd've done it. When their time is up, he starts letting the copter down and prepares to land, saying "I'm pretty impressed. I did things that even scared me, but you two didn't make a peep. Congratulations, this one's on me."
7158	To which Lester replies "yeah, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but twenty dollars is twenty dollars."
7159
7160	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkl5l/an_elderly_married_couple_goes_to_the_state_fair/
7161	%
7162	Putting the cat out
7163
7164	My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
7165	A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
7166	The silence in the Uber was deafening.....
7167
7168	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkh0c/putting_the_cat_out/
7169	%
7170	Why shouldn't women date a construction worker?
7171
7172	All they do is screw, nut, and bolt.
7173
7174	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkbe6/why_shouldnt_women_date_a_construction_worker/
7175	%
7176	What did the elephant say to the naked guy?
7177
7178	How do you eat with that thing?
7179
7180	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkadm/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_guy/
7181	%
7182	Our maid told us that she was going to start working from home
7183
7184	She sent us a list of things to do.
7185
7186	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk8qz/our_maid_told_us_that_she_was_going_to_start/
7187	%
7188	Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied.
7189
7190	I shit you knot!
7191
7192	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk7nv/probably_a_repost_however_yesterday_i_ate_two/
7193	%
7194	Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also.
7195
7196	It's called the "Covid-19".
7197
7198	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk6dd/just_like_the_freshman15_there_are_reports_that/
7199	%
7200	Mike and Pat
7201
7202	Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
7203	"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'"
7204	I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I took her way out. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
7205	The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with an even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
7206	"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
7207	I told her, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way the **** out there. Much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
7208	A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
7209	"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya....Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
7210	So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much, much further than the last two times. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
7211	She pulled down her pants and...She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! And I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
7212
7213	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk4o4/mike_and_pat/
7214	%
7215	Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase
7216
7217	######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
7218	shiv or me timbers...
7219
7220	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk4n9/pirate_captain_i_need_a_catch_phrase/
7221	%
7222	A plane with five passengers on board is about to crash. There are only four parachutes. The passengers include Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau, and a young schoolboy.
7223
7224	Trump reaches for a parachute, saying "I have to get out of here alive. If America has no leader, the whole world will fall into chaos!"
7225	Trudeau slaps his hand away. "That's no way to behave. We're all heads of democracies here, we should solve this democratically. Besides, Canada needs a leader much more than the US does."
7226	"You're both nuts." Macron interjects. "We don't have anyone to represent us, which is important, seeing as to how we're all the heads of republics. Besides, France is more important than either of your countries."
7227	"Germany is the leader of the free world." Merkel replies. "If I'm gone, there is no free world. So I should get a parachute."
7228	The schoolboy clears his throat. "I-"
7229	"Not now, kid. Germany, the head of the free world? I've never heard a more bold-faced lie in all my life!"
7230	"You ought to know, you've told enough of them."
7231	"Gentlemen, please, this is very simple. We're all leaders, we'll just all take a parachute and leave the kid."
7232	"Lady and gentlemen."
7233	"Whatever. So who's first?"
7234	"Me, of course."
7235	"No, me!"
7236	"Over my dead body!"
7237	"You want to arrange that?"
7238	"I'll have you know, that means war! You don't want to fight us!"
7239	"Yeah? We'll see about-"
7240	BOOM
7241	The kid, hanging on from his parachute, watches as the plane crashes into the ground, the politicians still squabbling inside. "I tried to tell them." He thinks aloud to himself. "The number of times I've been through this gag, of course I brought my own."
7242
7243	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjusp/a_plane_with_five_passengers_on_board_is_about_to/
7244	%
7245	I'm pretty sure the coronavirus has got me turning into a dog.
7246
7247	I lie around the house all day, my main method of exercise is walking around the neighborhood, and the mailman coming by is one of the most exciting parts of my day.
7248
7249	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjo1c/im_pretty_sure_the_coronavirus_has_got_me_turning/
7250	%
7251	In response to being quarantined I'm giving up drinking for an entire month .
7252
7253	Edit, missed some punctuation.
7254	I'm giving up. Drinking for an entire month.
7255
7256	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjk8b/in_response_to_being_quarantined_im_giving_up/
7257	%
7258	I met a feminist in a bar
7259
7260	She told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule were I can only say something I would say to Dwayne Johnson
7261	Do 2 minutes into the conversation is said
7262	“Your chest is fucking epic”
7263
7264	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjdq5/i_met_a_feminist_in_a_bar/
7265	%
7266	I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
7267
7268	Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
7269
7270	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjdir/i_was_walking_through_the_park_when_these_two/
7271	%
7272	My parents are the funniest people in the world
7273
7274	They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
7275
7276	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpj3f0/my_parents_are_the_funniest_people_in_the_world/
7277	%
7278	I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.
7279
7280	He was so drunk, he fell off the watchtower.
7281
7282	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpj12n/i_dont_think_holocaust_jokes_are_funny_my/
7283	%
7284	What's the difference between a knife and a girl in a argument ?
7285
7286	The knife has a point
7287
7288	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpip5s/whats_the_difference_between_a_knife_and_a_girl/
7289	%
7290	My friend Chance told me this one.
7291
7292	A young couple was dealing with unsuccessful pregnancies. Wanting to have a baby, they went to a sperm bank. The woman at the reception desk handed the man a bottle and said "Come back tomorrow with the bottle filled, and we'll see if you're infertile or not."
7293	The next day, the couple came back with the bottle, but it was empty. When the man handed the bottle to the woman at the desk, she said "Why is the bottle empty?"
7294	The man said "Welp, I tried with my left hand. Then, I tried with my right hand. My wife even tried with her mouth, and even that couldn't get the damn bottle open!"
7295
7296	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpio8q/my_friend_chance_told_me_this_one/
7297	%
7298	How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
7299
7300	None
7301
7302	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpib8p/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/
7303	%
7304	On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."
7305
7306	"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
7307	The couple then makes passionate love.
7308	When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
7309	"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
7310	"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
7311	"Tiger wouldn't do that."
7312	"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
7313	"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
7314	The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
7315	When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
7316	"What are you doing now?" she asks.
7317	"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
7318	"Tiger wouldn't do that."
7319	"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
7320	"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
7321	The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
7322	Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
7323	The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
7324	"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
7325
7326	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphsgb/on_the_first_night_of_their_honeymoon_the_new/
7327	%
7328	Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
7329
7330	"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
7331	Jane then explained to him what sex was.
7332	Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
7333	Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
7334	She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
7335	"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
7336	Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
7337	Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
7338	Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
7339	"Check for squirrel." he responds
7340
7341	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphm7u/jane_always_had_a_certain_attraction_to_tarzan_so/
7342	%
7343	My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
7344
7345	But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
7346
7347	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphm6i/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_dont_get_off_of_the/
7348	%
7349	Businessman: How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
7350
7351	Agent: Do you mean a choir?
7352	Businessman: Fine! How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?
7353
7354	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphjqa/businessman_how_much_does_it_cost_to_buy_a_large/
7355	%
7356	A blonde went to the library
7357
7358	Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad.
7359	Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library.
7360	Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad.
7361
7362	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphdyz/a_blonde_went_to_the_library/
7363	%
7364	I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire.
7365
7366	But I kept the drawings for future reference.
7367
7368	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphdpt/i_found_a_couple_of_disturbing_pornographic/
7369	%
7370	why aren't star wars jokes popular?
7371
7372	.
7373	.
7374	.
7375	.
7376	they are usually quite forced
7377	(just like this one)
7378
7379	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphb79/why_arent_star_wars_jokes_popular/
7380	%
7381	Who got all of the toilet paper at the store?
7382
7383	>!Assholes.!<
7384
7385	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fph03y/who_got_all_of_the_toilet_paper_at_the_store/
7386	%
7387	Just ordered a Chinese takeaway
7388
7389	It was delivered by this little chinese guy,
7390	I opened the door before he got there and he started yelling "ISOLATE! ISOLATE!"
7391	I said "don't worry about it, i only ordered it 20 minutes ago"
7392
7393	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpgzi0/just_ordered_a_chinese_takeaway/
7394	%
7395	A meeting between all Catholic priests was held the other day, but the topic of altar boys was never brought up.
7396
7397	I guess they’ll touch on that later.
7398
7399	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpgqnt/a_meeting_between_all_catholic_priests_was_held/
7400	%
7401	Seniors during quarantine
7402
7403	I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
7404	He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
7405	As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
7406
7407	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpg7np/seniors_during_quarantine/
7408	%
7409	Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
7410
7411	Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels.
7412
7413	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfpw5/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/
7414	%
7415	Why are all Jewish men circumcized?
7416
7417	Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.
7418
7419	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfocr/why_are_all_jewish_men_circumcized/
7420	%
7421	Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...
7422
7423	The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside.
7424	The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy.
7425	The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees.
7426	The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot... don't you have something to share about your son?"
7427	The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort..." They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though - just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!"
7428
7429	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfjw1/four_older_gentlemen_are_out_golfing_sharing/
7430	%
7431	My circle of friends is finally expanding
7432
7433	I haven't gained any, we are just standing further apart.
7434
7435	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfjka/my_circle_of_friends_is_finally_expanding/
7436	%
7437	Why did the horse cross the road?
7438
7439	I don't know, he left before I could ask equestrian.
7440
7441	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfhfg/why_did_the_horse_cross_the_road/
7442	%
7443	After 5 years of marriage
7444
7445	the wife finds £7,500 in cash and 4 eggs on top of the wardrobe.
7446	Intrigued she asked the husband the meaning of it.
7447	Husband: Well since we got married I've put one egg up there for every time you annoy me.
7448	Chuffed that in all of 5 years the husband had collected only 4 eggs the wife asks about the £7,500.
7449	Husband: Every time I have a dozen I sell
7450
7451	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpf10t/after_5_years_of_marriage/
7452	%
7453	At the museum my wife: Do you think we’re allowed to take pictures?
7454
7455	Me: No. I think they need to stay on the
7456	wall.
7457
7458	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpefkk/at_the_museum_my_wife_do_you_think_were_allowed/
7459	%
7460	A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.
7461
7462	The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
7463
7464	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpe5ev/a_criminal_is_to_be_executed_by_electric_chair/
7465	%
7466	Who names these viruses?
7467
7468	Yes
7469
7470	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpe49x/who_names_these_viruses/
7471	%
7472	The best thing about Japanese porn
7473
7474	is they censor it so I can watch it with my family \^\_\^
7475
7476	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdvse/the_best_thing_about_japanese_porn/
7477	%
7478	My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....
7479
7480	... that when I pee I clean the toilet.
7481
7482	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdvkk/my_body_has_absorbed_so_much_soap_and_water_hand/
7483	%
7484	Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?
7485
7486	They got banned from the competition by the WHO.
7487
7488	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdf9a/why_does_russia_have_so_little_covid19_cases/
7489	%
7490	Old Biker
7491
7492	Gruff old biker walks into a roadside dive.
7493	Sign behind the bar says Beer $2.50
7494	Cheeseburger $4.00
7495	Hand-job $12.00
7496	Biker motions for the lady working the counter to come over.
7497	(Biker) "You the one giving hand-jobs?"
7498	(Lady behind bar) "I sure am."
7499	(Biker) "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
7500
7501	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdclf/old_biker/
7502	%
7503	They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective
7504
7505	Don't believe me? Just wash
7506
7507	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdc6a/they_say_you_should_sing_happy_birthday_when/
7508	%
7509	I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching
7510
7511	To reverse and leaving the scene
7512
7513	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpd7jv/i_saved_a_bunch_of_money_on_my_car_insurance_by/
7514	%
7515	Why doesn't Antarctica have any cases of coronavirus?
7516
7517	Because they are self-ICE-olated
7518
7519	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpd3a4/why_doesnt_antarctica_have_any_cases_of/
7520	%
7521	A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...
7522
7523	The first caller get's through,
7524	"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
7525	"Goan!"
7526	"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
7527	"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
7528	After several more calls they get another man,
7529	"And what's your word sir?"
7530	"Smee!"
7531	"Can you use it in a sentence?"
7532	"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"
7533
7534	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpcm1d/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/
7535	%
7536	Why was the Ebola virus joke not as good as the Corona Virus Joke?
7537
7538	Because less people got it.
7539
7540	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc6e3/why_was_the_ebola_virus_joke_not_as_good_as_the/
7541	%
7542	Smart pills
7543
7544	Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa
7545	There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.
7546	The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"
7547	Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
7548	Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!"
7549	Grandpa says, "See you're getting smarter already."
7550
7551	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc61g/smart_pills/
7552	%
7553	I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"
7554
7555	She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
7556
7557	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc1mf/i_said_to_my_wife_when_i_die_id_like_to_die/
7558	%
7559	Two deer walked out of a gay bar, one said to the other.....
7560
7561	I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there
7562
7563	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbnin/two_deer_walked_out_of_a_gay_bar_one_said_to_the/
7564	%
7565	What's another name for half a second?
7566
7567	A first.
7568
7569	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbf9i/whats_another_name_for_half_a_second/
7570	%
7571	Billy’s tractor
7572
7573	One day, farmer Joe goes over to his friend’s house looking for him. He knocked on the door but Billy doesn’t answer. He starts to hear some music playing from Billy’s barn, so he goes to check it out. He opens the door to the barn to see Billy, butt naked, dancing around his John Deere tractor.
7574	Joe: “Billy? What in the heck are you doin’?”
7575	Billy: “It’s a long story Joe, I’m doing this for my wife.”
7576	Joe: “Why does she want you to do this?”
7577	Billy: “Well, she didn’t ask me to. We’ve been havin’ some issues so we went to that couples therapy thing.”
7578	Joe: “What does this have to do with couples therapy?”
7579	Billy: “Well see, the therapist told me I needed to do something to spark things up. He suggested I do something sexy to attract her.”
7580
7581	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbdgi/billys_tractor/
7582	%
7583	Giving
7584
7585	Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood. On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time. After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was only receiving $15 for her blood.
7586	"Can I ask why that man was paid $85 more than me?" Jane asked the attendant. "Well...." replied the attendant "we are not just a blood bank but also a sperm bank and one of the most highly regarded in the city. if the sperm is from the right type of donor, for example dark hair, over 6 foot tall and has a college degree then we will actually pay $100."
7587	"That's so interesting... I never even new that was a thing" thanked Jane as she was leaving.
7588	Later that afternoon Jane came back into the centre and made her way to the front desk, the attendant was still working and recognised her from their earlier chat. "Hey, back again so soon?" he asked. "Mmm hmmm" nodded Jane.
7589
7590	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbaw7/giving/
7591	%
7592	If you’re dating a guy and you see the banner of the Soviet Union hanging on his wall, leave him!
7593
7594	That’s a big red flag!
7595
7596	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbai3/if_youre_dating_a_guy_and_you_see_the_banner_of/
7597	%
7598	Paranoia has reached absurd stages...
7599
7600	I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own
7601
7602	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb7ni/paranoia_has_reached_absurd_stages/
7603	%
7604	An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
7605
7606	First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
7607	The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
7608
7609	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb60z/an_old_grandma_brings_a_bus_driver_a_bag_of/
7610	%
7611	Little Johnny pokes Jenny
7612
7613	A teacher asks the students the following questions
7614	"Who created the universe?"
7615	Johnny, who's sitting behind Jenny, pokes her with a pencil.
7616	Jenny exclaims "Oh, God!!"
7617	Teacher says "Excellent, Jenny".
7618	The teacher then asks again, "Who was the son of God?"
7619	Johnny pokes Jenny again and she shrieks "Oh, Jesus"
7620	Teacher, happy with Jenny asks her another question, "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their 17th child?"
7621	Johnny pokes Jenny again, but this time Jenny outrageously shouts "If you put that thing inside me again, I'll break it in two and put it in your nose".
7622
7623	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb4ft/little_johnny_pokes_jenny/
7624	%
7625	Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
7626
7627	I learned next to nothing.
7628
7629	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb1ft/im_so_bored_sitting_at_home_that_i_decided_to/
7630	%
7631	Blind pilots
7632
7633	A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
7634	As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
7635	In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"
7636
7637	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaxzr/blind_pilots/
7638	%
7639	A boy complaining to his father...
7640
7641	You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
7642	Father: Really, what?
7643	Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
7644
7645	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpawv6/a_boy_complaining_to_his_father/
7646	%
7647	They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...
7648
7649	coughs
7650
7651	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaqwb/they_say_keep_your_friends_close_but_your_enemies/
7652	%
7653	My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
7654
7655	I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
7656
7657	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaq36/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/
7658	%
7659	A married couple was in a terrible accident...
7660
7661	A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
7662	However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
7663	After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
7664	"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
7665
7666	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpamfa/a_married_couple_was_in_a_terrible_accident/
7667	%
7668	What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
7669
7670	OLAY
7671
7672	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpam1f/what_moisturizer_do_spanish_bullfighters_use/
7673	%
7674	My wife is socially distancing me...
7675
7676	Just to be safe, she started it in 2008.
7677
7678	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpalhm/my_wife_is_socially_distancing_me/
7679	%
7680	Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.
7681
7682	So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.
7683	Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now.
7684
7685	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpal47/heard_a_dr_on_tv_say_to_get_through_the_boredom/
7686	%
7687	What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaaah"
7688
7689	Sheep with no lips
7690
7691	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpajfl/what_has_4_legs_and_goes_aaaaah/
7692	%
7693	You know why divorce is so expensive?
7694
7695	Because it's worth it
7696
7697	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaibc/you_know_why_divorce_is_so_expensive/
7698	%
7699	Plumber
7700
7701	There once was a plumber named Lee
7702	Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
7703	She said stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming.
7704	The plumber still plumbing said IT'S ME!
7705
7706	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpadsy/plumber/
7707	%
7708	Why I fired my secretary
7709
7710	Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
7711	"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
7712	I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
7713	My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
7714	As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
7715	"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
7716	It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
7717	I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
7718	We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
7719	She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
7720	We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
7721	On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
7722	I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
7723	She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
7724	After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
7725	"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
7726	"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
7727	Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
7728	And I just sat there...
7729	On the couch...
7730	Sobbing...
7731	Naked...
7732	and erect.
7733
7734	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpactb/why_i_fired_my_secretary/
7735	%
7736	What do 9 out of 10 men enjoy?
7737
7738	A gangbang
7739
7740	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaboy/what_do_9_out_of_10_men_enjoy/
7741	%
7742	A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand
7743
7744	and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:
7745	Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to the other”.
7746	Kiwi – “about 3 hours to walk from one end to the other”
7747	Texan – “If I get in my car to drive from one end of my ranch to the other, it’ll take me a day”
7748	Kiwi, after some pause for thought – “Yeah Bro, I used to have a car like that.”
7749
7750	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa9zx/a_texan_cattle_rancher_was_in_new_zealand/
7751	%
7752	It’s the end of the world as we know it
7753
7754	Because “I feel fine.”
7755
7756	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa83m/its_the_end_of_the_world_as_we_know_it/
7757	%
7758	I would make a Coronavirus joke
7759
7760	But I don’t want you guys to get it
7761
7762	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa7vh/i_would_make_a_coronavirus_joke/
7763	%
7764	A hunter goes in the wild to hunt for a bear.
7765
7766	He´s slowly walking through the wood when he spots one. He aims at the bear and shoots, but he misses. The bear notices him, quicly runs to him and says "you son of a bitch" before fucking him in the ass.
7767	The hunter spends a week in the hospital and decides to go back and finish the job, only this time, he takes a machine gun with him to do it. He finds the bear again, he aims at him.....but the machinegun jams. The bear notices him, quickly runs to him and rapes him again.
7768	Now he has to spend a month in the hospital. He decides to go back and finally do this thing. He buys a rocket launcher, climbs up a hunting tower in the woods and just patiently waits for the bear. Finally he sees him. He takes the rocket launcher, aims at the bear and shoots....the bear sees the rocket coming, he just moves his head a little, dodging the rocket which explodes behind him. He climbs up the hunting tower, his dick hard again he takes a good look at the hunter and says
7769	"hey....you don´t come here to actually hunt, do you?"
7770
7771	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9z6f/a_hunter_goes_in_the_wild_to_hunt_for_a_bear/
7772	%
7773	If coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?
7774
7775	Cause you are to die for.
7776
7777	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9xx6/if_coronavirus_doesnt_take_you_out_can_i/
7778	%
7779	Four former U.S. presidents...
7780
7781	Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.
7782	Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.
7783	They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.
7784	“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
7785	Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”
7786	”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”
7787	Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”
7788	”Done,” says the Wizard.
7789	“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”
7790	Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”
7791	”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”
7792	There is a great silence in the hall.
7793	Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
7794	Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”
7795	”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”
7796
7797	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9x0g/four_former_us_presidents/
7798	%
7799	Finally Prince Charles has been coronated
7800
7801	by a virus
7802
7803	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9nkr/finally_prince_charles_has_been_coronated/
7804	%
7805	Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting.
7806
7807	Seems nice. He's a web designer
7808
7809	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9n4y/struck_up_a_conversation_with_a_spider_today_at/
7810	%
7811	Marriage is like a deck of cards..
7812
7813	...You start with two hearts and a diamond, but later in the hand you'll be wishing for a club and a spade.
7814
7815	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9mxw/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/
7816	%
7817	A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
7818
7819	Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
7820	The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
7821
7822	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9mmh/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/
7823	%
7824	A blonde goes to the dry cleaners
7825
7826	She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
7827	However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
7828	Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
7829
7830	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9jyp/a_blonde_goes_to_the_dry_cleaners/
7831	%
7832	Covid 19 is like Jeffery Epstein.
7833
7834	It doesn't kill itself. Wash your damn hands
7835
7836	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9ju7/covid_19_is_like_jeffery_epstein/
7837	%
7838	My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
7839
7840	Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
7841
7842	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9dbv/my_dentist_reminded_me_of_my_wifes_sensitive_gag/
7843	%
7844	I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today
7845
7846	Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
7847
7848	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp95rl/i_got_one_of_them_anti_bullying_bracelets_today/
7849	%
7850	I saw two kids fighting over the last roll of toilet paper and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
7851
7852	Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…
7853
7854	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8s7h/i_saw_two_kids_fighting_over_the_last_roll_of/
7855	%
7856	A 17 year old male walks into a drug store
7857
7858	He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
7859	Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After a while the daughter leans over and quietly says to him “I had no idea you were so religious,” to which the boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.”
7860
7861	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8l8o/a_17_year_old_male_walks_into_a_drug_store/
7862	%
7863	How do you go from 3D to 4D?
7864
7865	Just give it time.
7866
7867	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8e5d/how_do_you_go_from_3d_to_4d/
7868	%
7869	I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19
7870
7871	Looks like he got coronated at last!
7872
7873	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp89g3/i_heard_that_prince_charles_tested_positive_for/
7874	%
7875	“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible”
7876
7877	“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
7878
7879	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp85fp/doctor_theres_a_patient_on_line_1_that_says_hes/
7880	%
7881	My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said,
7882
7883	“OK, you’re ugly too.”
7884
7885	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp83io/my_doctor_called_me_fat_i_told_him_i_wanted_a/
7886	%
7887	A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device.
7888
7889	The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
7890
7891	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp82vi/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_her_child_the_doctor/
7892	%
7893	What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?
7894
7895	A PDF file!
7896
7897	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp80l3/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/
7898	%
7899	So two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses
7900
7901	The other guy calls 911 immediately and says
7902	“Help! I think my friend is dead!”
7903	The operator says “okay first let’s make sure he’s actually dead”
7904	The phone goes silent for a second before a gunshot is heard
7905	The hunter says “okay what now?”
7906
7907	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7xml/so_two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of/
7908	%
7909	Self isolation experiments
7910
7911	Do you know if you rest a testicles on top a beer bottle and put a naked flame under the bottle eventually it’ll pop in? If you did know that and know how to get it back out message me.... urgently.
7912
7913	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7xk0/self_isolation_experiments/
7914	%
7915	My girlfriend is like √-100
7916
7917	A perfect 10, but also imaginary.
7918
7919	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7uuk/my_girlfriend_is_like_100/
7920	%
7921	I must have posted two dozen jokes about COVID-19 by now
7922
7923	but none of them have gone viral :(
7924
7925	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7lr9/i_must_have_posted_two_dozen_jokes_about_covid19/
7926	%
7927	How do you tell the difference between 'but' and 'butt'?
7928
7929	Butt's got tooties.
7930	- by my 8 year old daughter
7931
7932	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7k0z/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_but_and/
7933	%
7934	A homosexual, a professor, and a wizard walk into a bar.
7935
7936	The bartender says, "Ah, Dumbledore! The usual?"
7937
7938	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7dcf/a_homosexual_a_professor_and_a_wizard_walk_into_a/
7939	%
7940	What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one?
7941
7942	Where they tie the rope.
7943
7944	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7awo/whats_the_difference_between_a_suicidal_bungee/
7945	%
7946	My wife is bisexual
7947
7948	She says bye when I ask her to have sex with me
7949
7950	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7avn/my_wife_is_bisexual/
7951	%
7952	What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks?
7953
7954	Your mom can’t take a joke.
7955
7956	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp77yg/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/
7957	%
7958	what does a dyslexic, agonistic, insomniac do?
7959
7960	stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog
7961
7962	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp70n9/what_does_a_dyslexic_agonistic_insomniac_do/
7963	%
7964	7 8 9.
7965
7966	7: <is about to eat 9>
7967	7: Play some intense music to go with my food.
7968	9: <plays The Final Countdown>
7969	9 8 7.
7970
7971	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6z29/7_8_9/
7972	%
7973	A slice of pie in Jamaica is 2.50 and 3.00 in the Bahamas
7974
7975	These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
7976	I'll leave now
7977
7978	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6yx2/a_slice_of_pie_in_jamaica_is_250_and_300_in_the/
7979	%
7980	How many dead bodies does it take to fix a light?
7981
7982	Must be more than 14, because my basement is still dark.
7983
7984	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6uja/how_many_dead_bodies_does_it_take_to_fix_a_light/
7985	%
7986	A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.
7987
7988	A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
7989	The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."
7990	The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me.
7991	The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?"
7992	God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"
7993
7994	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp69hu/a_man_goes_swimming_in_the_ocean_but_gets_sucked/
7995	%
7996	I promised my wife I wouldn’t drink anymore during quarantine.
7997
7998	I won’t drink any less either!
7999
8000	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp64w6/i_promised_my_wife_i_wouldnt_drink_anymore_during/
8001	%
8002	What do you call Bruce Lee by himself in quarantine?
8003
8004	Lone Lee
8005
8006	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp64e1/what_do_you_call_bruce_lee_by_himself_in/
8007	%
8008	Capitalism has man exploiting man
8009
8010	With communism, it's the other way around
8011
8012	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5ur5/capitalism_has_man_exploiting_man/
8013	%
8014	A man takes his sweet time at a urinal.
8015
8016	Once the man has finished, he forgets to zip up his fly, so he washes his hands and leaves the bathroom.
8017	A woman saw him walking around with his fly open and says, “Sir, your garage door is open!”
8018	The man looks down and chuckles as he zips it up. “Did you, by any chance, see a Range Rover in there?”
8019	”No, just a Toyota with two flat tires.”
8020	(I told the people of Cringetopia that I would reword a post here. Let’s see how bad this does.)
8021
8022	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5rxb/a_man_takes_his_sweet_time_at_a_urinal/
8023	%
8024	A man goes to his doctor
8025
8026	and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.”
8027	The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points.
8028	"I see the Sun," answer the man.
8029	The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!”
8030
8031	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5kr6/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/
8032	%
8033	How can you tell if a mechanic has had sex?
8034
8035	His middle fingernail is clean
8036
8037	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5hwp/how_can_you_tell_if_a_mechanic_has_had_sex/
8038	%
8039	A man is at the bar drinking.
8040
8041	He's had a few to many and pukes on himself,he turns to his friend and says,
8042	"my wife is going to kill me, she bought this shirt for me"
8043	His friend says, "don't worry just put 10 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell her some drunk guy puked on you and he gave you 10 bucks because he felt bad about it."
8044	So the man stumbles home and his wife is waiting up and says, "really?!, you are so drunk you puked on the shirt I bought for you!"
8045	Man: "no no, I barely drank anything, a drunk guy puked on me and gave me this $10 to make up for it!"
8046	Wife: "this is $20?"
8047	Man: "yeah he shit my pants too".
8048
8049	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5fr9/a_man_is_at_the_bar_drinking/
8050	%
8051	I have dailysex
8052
8053	Dyslexia*
8054
8055	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5eg7/i_have_dailysex/
8056	%
8057	A man gets drunk and sleeps naked in the forest
8058
8059	A little girl was picking mushrooms in the same forest. She counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five...
8060	The next day the man wakes up and thought to himself: damn, that felt good, i should get drunk and fall asleep naked in the forest again. And so he did.
8061	A bear was picking mushrooms in the same forest. It counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five, six.
8062
8063	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5bwy/a_man_gets_drunk_and_sleeps_naked_in_the_forest/
8064	%
8065	"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
8066
8067	"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."
8068	"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
8069
8070	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp58ev/excuse_me_i_said_to_the_woman_sat_in_front_of_me/
8071	%
8072	How does Moses make his coffee?
8073
8074	HeBrews it!
8075
8076	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp52py/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/
8077	%
8078	A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel (NSFW)
8079
8080	On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
8081	After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”
8082	“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
8083	“I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
8084	“Anything, Father.”
8085	“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…”
8086	“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
8087	The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
8088	“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”
8089	She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
8090	“Father, could I ask something of you?”
8091	“Yes, Sister?”
8092	“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
8093	“I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe.
8094	“Oh Father, may I touch it?”
8095	The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
8096	“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
8097	“Is that true Father?”
8098	"Yes, it is, Sister.”
8099	“Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
8100
8101	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp526u/a_nun_and_a_priest_were_crossing_the_sahara/
8102	%
8103	What is a police officer's favourite colour?
8104
8105	Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again).
8106
8107	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp50at/what_is_a_police_officers_favourite_colour/
8108	%
8109	I was shocked when the psychic told me that my father would pass away the very next day.
8110
8111	I was equally shocked the next day when the milkman had a heart attack at our door and died.
8112
8113	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4z4u/i_was_shocked_when_the_psychic_told_me_that_my/
8114	%
8115	The seven dwarfs were all in the bath feeling happy.
8116
8117	Happy never told anyone.
8118
8119	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4yne/the_seven_dwarfs_were_all_in_the_bath_feeling/
8120	%
8121	Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph?
8122
8123	Because at 69 they blow a rod.
8124
8125	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4ydy/why_cant_gays_drive_faster_than_68mph/
8126	%
8127	I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees.
8128
8129	When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee".
8130
8131	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4xhz/i_stopped_by_my_one_of_my_bee_keeper_friends_farm/
8132	%
8133	An interview to a marriage who never had a fight in almost 70 years
8134
8135	~ And why have you never had a fight in your marriage?
8136	-It all started when we were getting married, we made the vows, we kissed and then we finished the wedding, then we went to a carriage on the way to our house for our honeymoon and the horse was a beautiful white color.
8137	After walking for a while, the horse trips and my husband screams:
8138	¡ONE!
8139	I look at him in a weird manner but then I do not take much importance
8140	We keep walking for another 10 minutes and the horse stumbles again and my husband screams:
8141	¡TWO!
8142	I look at him worried but I still enjoy the trip. after almost a mile the horse stumbles again and my husband yells
8143	¡THREE!
8144	And he takes out a baseball bat from the back and hits the horse on the head 3 times, to which I react in a horrible way, and I say:
8145	- How can you think of doing that, you are a bastard!
8146	And I hear him scream:
8147	¡ONE!
8148
8149	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4x5t/an_interview_to_a_marriage_who_never_had_a_fight/
8150	%
8151	What did Cola say to his buddy Mentos?
8152
8153	"You're overreacting."
8154
8155	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4iiq/what_did_cola_say_to_his_buddy_mentos/
8156	%
8157	What do you call 2+ police officers having sex?
8158
8159	Copulation.
8160
8161	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4iec/what_do_you_call_2_police_officers_having_sex/
8162	%
8163	There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses.
8164
8165	One has a wife and farms honeydew.
8166	The second has a husband and sells watermelon.
8167	The third cantaloupe.
8168
8169	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4a6b/there_are_three_melon_farmers_with_different/
8170	%
8171	Did you hear about the mathematician that hates negative numbers?
8172
8173	He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them
8174
8175	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp49rb/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_that_hates/
8176	%
8177	How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
8178
8179	None, they arrest the bulb for being broken and beat the room for being black.
8180
8181	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp49p9/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/
8182	%
8183	A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar
8184
8185	No joke.
8186
8187	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp45ww/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/
8188	%
8189	What do you call a father without a car?
8190
8191	The walking dad.
8192
8193	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp444j/what_do_you_call_a_father_without_a_car/
8194	%
8195	Polish Divorce
8196
8197	A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
8198	LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
8199	POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."
8200	LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
8201	POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded.
8202	LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
8203	POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one."
8204	LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
8205	POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ."
8206	LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
8207	POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
8208	LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"
8209	POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."
8210	LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
8211	POLE: "NO, she white."
8212	LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
8213	POLE: "She going to kill me."
8214	LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
8215	POLE: "I got proof."
8216	LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
8217	POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, 'Polish Remover.'"
8218
8219	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3v9t/polish_divorce/
8220	%
8221	My little bird.. Enza
8222
8223	I once had a bird..
8224	It's name was Enza.
8225	Wanna know how i got it?
8226	I opened the window.. anddddd..
8227	In-Flew-Enza!
8228
8229	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3ocd/my_little_bird_enza/
8230	%
8231	In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.
8232
8233	In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.
8234
8235	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3lkv/in_2019_if_you_were_unemployed_and_stayed_home/
8236	%
8237	In America you cast your vote.
8238
8239	In India you vote your caste.
8240
8241	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3lkr/in_america_you_cast_your_vote/
8242	%
8243	What does a grape say when you step on it?
8244
8245	Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
8246
8247	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3ku7/what_does_a_grape_say_when_you_step_on_it/
8248	%
8249	A guy’s driving down the road when he sees three penguins on the side of the road.
8250
8251	He looks around and doesn’t see anyone around so he stops and picks them up. He’s driving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop looks in the car and sees the three penguins sitting on the front seat. He exclaims, “You’ve got three penguins in your car!”
8252	The guy replies, I know! I just found them and don’t know what to do with them.”
8253	The cop thinks about for a minute and says, “Take ‘em to the zoo.”
8254	The guy thanks the cop and drives off.
8255	The next day the guy’s driving down the road when the same cop pulls him over. The cop walks up to the car and looks in. The three penguins are still in the front seat, except now they’re wearing sunglasses and tiny baseball hats.
8256	The cop says, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday!”
8257	The guy replies, “I did! We had such a good time we’re going to the beach today!”
8258
8259	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3htd/a_guys_driving_down_the_road_when_he_sees_three/
8260	%
8261	How do you get a clown off a swing set?
8262
8263	Hit him in the face with an axe.
8264
8265	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3erm/how_do_you_get_a_clown_off_a_swing_set/
8266	%
8267	Three girls die and go to heaven...
8268
8269	They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
8270
8271	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp33mn/three_girls_die_and_go_to_heaven/
8272	%
8273	I was told to disinfect the things touch the most
8274
8275	So I did. Hopefully the burning ends soon and my boyfriend quits screaming soon
8276
8277	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp32iw/i_was_told_to_disinfect_the_things_touch_the_most/
8278	%
8279	Why did the Banana go to the doctor?
8280
8281	Because he wasn’t peeling too good
8282
8283	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp30xd/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctor/
8284	%
8285	If R-Kelly was a computer file
8286
8287	He'd be a .pdf file
8288
8289	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2y4m/if_rkelly_was_a_computer_file/
8290	%
8291	What’s the difference between an egg and a beetroot ?
8292
8293	You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a root.
8294
8295	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2xty/whats_the_difference_between_an_egg_and_a_beetroot/
8296	%
8297	My Dad left to buy milk 7 years ago
8298
8299	He came back 15 minutes later but still.
8300
8301	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2mm5/my_dad_left_to_buy_milk_7_years_ago/
8302	%
8303	I thought my blind neighbor started dating a guy
8304
8305	turns out she wasn’t seeing anyone
8306
8307	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2lvb/i_thought_my_blind_neighbor_started_dating_a_guy/
8308	%
8309	2 sausages sizzling in a pan
8310
8311	One turns to the other and says, "It's pretty damn hot in here isn't it?"
8312	The other screams "AHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
8313
8314	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2l7v/2_sausages_sizzling_in_a_pan/
8315	%
8316	So if this is what the Roaring 20s is supposed to be like.
8317
8318	I’mma go ahead and say the Silent Generation was being quiet for a reason.
8319
8320	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2k7v/so_if_this_is_what_the_roaring_20s_is_supposed_to/
8321	%
8322	Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?
8323
8324	Because Sheeran away
8325
8326	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2hxo/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/
8327	%
8328	I got pulled over by the police...
8329
8330	He came over to the window and said papers...I said SCISSORS! I WIN!!! and drove off...he must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for the past couple hours.
8331
8332	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2bwt/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police/
8333	%
8334	How do you circumcise a Redneck?
8335
8336	You kick his sister in the jaw.
8337
8338	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1ju4/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/
8339	%
8340	I never trust chiropractors
8341
8342	They always talk behind your back
8343
8344	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1dzr/i_never_trust_chiropractors/
8345	%
8346	A mathematician says to his friend 'I bet I can stretch my mouth so its exactly 1m in radius
8347
8348	His friend replies 'shut your pi hole'
8349
8350	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1c7e/a_mathematician_says_to_his_friend_i_bet_i_can/
8351	%
8352	Did you all hear about what's happening to the Energizer bunny?
8353
8354	He's being charged with battery.
8355
8356	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp171l/did_you_all_hear_about_whats_happening_to_the/
8357	%
8358	Recess and cookies
8359
8360	An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.
8361	Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?
8362	Johnny: I played in the sandbox.
8363	Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.
8364	Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie.
8365	Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do?
8366	Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny.
8367	Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie.
8368	Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie.
8369	Teacher: Jamal, what did you do?
8370	Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face.
8371	Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.
8372
8373	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0vd9/recess_and_cookies/
8374	%
8375	Ireland’s on lock down due to the virus!!
8376
8377	Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army.
8378	They are given a rifle each and told...
8379	“Listen up men! We are on the lookout for Virus Curfew offenders.
8380	Martial law has been declared!
8381	Anyone caught out after 6 PM ……….. it's SHOOT TO KILL”!!!
8382	On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement!
8383	Murphy shouts “JESUS PADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ONLY 5.45 PM”!
8384	Paddy replies:” I Know where he lives...... He’ll never fucking make it home by 6!!
8385
8386	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0ppi/irelands_on_lock_down_due_to_the_virus/
8387	%
8388	I think China finally got what they wanted.
8389
8390	They managed to coronise the world.
8391
8392	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0nt5/i_think_china_finally_got_what_they_wanted/
8393	%
8394	Have you ever heard of emo pizza?
8395
8396	You haven’t, well it’s the type that cuts itself
8397
8398	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0kas/have_you_ever_heard_of_emo_pizza/
8399	%
8400	Who caused the porpoise holocaust?
8401
8402	A dolphin
8403
8404	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0ftp/who_caused_the_porpoise_holocaust/
8405	%
8406	Stop vaccinating your children!!
8407
8408	Let the doctor do it.
8409
8410	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp059b/stop_vaccinating_your_children/
8411	%
8412	Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.
8413
8414	Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.
8415
8416	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozxmo/humans_there_is_absolutely_nothing_that_can_be/
8417	%
8418	There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
8419
8420	It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
8421
8422	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozwgo/theres_an_easy_trick_you_can_use_to_calculate/
8423	%
8424	Title malone
8425
8426	Post Malone
8427
8428	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozvcc/title_malone/
8429	%
8430	Me scheduling a a doctors appointment
8431
8432	Me: Hello i would like to schedule an appointment
8433	Receptionits: Yeah just give me a second... How about 10 tommorrow
8434	Me: No thanks, that's way too many
8435
8436	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozpn6/me_scheduling_a_a_doctors_appointment/
8437	%
8438	An immigrant mother finally got her Visa to visit her adult son in America.
8439
8440	It's been years since they've seen each other, and after he joyfully picks her up at the airport, he brings her to his home, where his two children are playing.
8441	"Oh," the mother says. "One child is black... and the other is red-haired." She paused. "They must be adopted... I thought you said Tina was pregnant a while back..?"
8442	The son laughed. "Oh, no, mom, they're definitely our kids. Both of ours."
8443	"They are? How are you, uh..." she paused again, unable to believe her son wasn't getting it. "How are you sure they're yours?"
8444	"Simple," the son said. "Tina and I procreated. When the baby came out red-haired, she said that she used to sit by the window and watch red-haired construction workers across the street, and that's why the baby turned out red-haired. A year later, when she got pregnant, she was sitting by the window and saw a black mailman delivering mail across the street, so naturally, the kid came out black."
8445	The mother nodded her head. "Yes, I see now. When I had just gotten married, living on the farm with your father, I used to sit by the window and watch a jackass roam about the farm."
8446
8447	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozgz7/an_immigrant_mother_finally_got_her_visa_to_visit/
8448	%
8449	What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos?
8450
8451	Pizza-rrhea
8452
8453	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozfji/what_do_you_call_diarrhea_that_you_get_from/
8454	%
8455	What do you call it when a poop makes you groan like, "Aaaaaaeeeeeeeeeooooo!"
8456
8457	A vowel movement.
8458	I'll see myself out.
8459
8460	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozdpj/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_poop_makes_you_groan/
8461	%
8462	2020
8463
8464	Directed by Trenton Quarentino.
8465
8466	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozbh6/2020/
8467	%
8468	Love in the time of Coronavirus
8469
8470	I said, "The scent you're wearing is beautiful."
8471	She said, "Thanks, it is my hand sanitizer."
8472
8473	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz55h/love_in_the_time_of_coronavirus/
8474	%
8475	Sneezes just went from bless you to fuck you real quick.
8476
8477	Achoo.
8478
8479	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz33q/sneezes_just_went_from_bless_you_to_fuck_you_real/
8480	%
8481	A woman at a bar told me she treats job interviews like dates
8482
8483	“Oh, because it has to be the right fit for both parties and it’s important to be honest?” I asked.
8484	“No, I’m a prostitute”
8485
8486	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz303/a_woman_at_a_bar_told_me_she_treats_job/
8487	%
8488	Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared
8489
8490	Apparently horses can’t get the virus
8491
8492	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foyng9/prince_charles_diagnosed_with_covid19_camilla_has/
8493	%
8494	Woman
8495
8496	A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
8497	"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
8498
8499	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foymk8/woman/
8500	%
8501	The only time my wife will yell deeper - deeper
8502
8503	Is when they will be lowering my coffin
8504
8505	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foy0om/the_only_time_my_wife_will_yell_deeper_deeper/
8506	%
8507	Dads are like boomerangs
8508
8509	I hope
8510
8511	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foxz1z/dads_are_like_boomerangs/
8512	%
8513	My Cocaine Is So White
8514
8515	Police Let It Go With A Warning
8516
8517	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foxfm5/my_cocaine_is_so_white/
8518	%
8519	Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
8520
8521	The Second-Hand Store.
8522
8523	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fox2t7/where_did_captain_hook_buy_his_hook/
8524	%
8525	From friend, to girlfriend, to fiance, and now wife!
8526
8527	I've been doing a lot of driving today!
8528
8529	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowwat/from_friend_to_girlfriend_to_fiance_and_now_wife/
8530	%
8531	Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...
8532
8533	Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day
8534
8535	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowsr4/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/
8536	%
8537	I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
8538
8539	Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
8540
8541	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowp8d/i_have_just_started_a_sexual_relationship_with_a/
8542	%
8543	What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress?
8544
8545	One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio.
8546
8547	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowo6r/whats_the_difference_between_an_artists_folder/
8548	%
8549	Whoever said that one man cannot change the world
8550
8551	Has never eaten a bat.
8552
8553	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow90y/whoever_said_that_one_man_cannot_change_the_world/
8554	%
8555	A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon
8556
8557	One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.
8558	When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor.
8559	The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler.
8560	The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: "We have to break the tile she's on."
8561	"NO WAY, " the husband yelled - "those tiles are 100 dollars a piece. There must be another way?".
8562	"Well," said the tiler. "You could kiss and caress her all over her body."
8563	"Will that free her?" the husband wondered.
8564	no, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece
8565
8566	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow34h/a_young_woman_had_a_habit_of_doing_naked/
8567	%
8568	What has two butts and kills people?
8569
8570	An assassin
8571
8572	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow1bp/what_has_two_butts_and_kills_people/
8573	%
8574	My girlfriend treats my dick like COVID-19
8575
8576	She didn't care about it until I gave it to her mom
8577
8578	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow0g2/my_girlfriend_treats_my_dick_like_covid19/
8579	%
8580	We went from "okay, boomer"..
8581
8582	to "you okay, boomer?" in like a week.
8583
8584	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovylp/we_went_from_okay_boomer/
8585	%
8586	What's Donald Trump giving up for Lent this year?
8587
8588	Your grandparents.
8589
8590	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovnhc/whats_donald_trump_giving_up_for_lent_this_year/
8591	%
8592	Being on lockdown together has made my wife and me really conscious of how competitive we are. We've been having a good laugh about it!
8593
8594	(I laugh more than she does, though.)
8595
8596	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovjbm/being_on_lockdown_together_has_made_my_wife_and/
8597	%
8598	What do you do with a sick chemist?
8599
8600	First you try helium,then try curium,but if that doesn't work.You barium
8601
8602	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fov9y3/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/
8603	%
8604	Why will Pornhub not crash when Netflix does?
8605
8606	It is experienced with big loads.
8607
8608	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fov3pl/why_will_pornhub_not_crash_when_netflix_does/
8609	%
8610	Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open
8611
8612	17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from
8613
8614	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fourds/joe_biden_is_like_a_web_browser_with_19_tabs_open/
8615	%
8616	You know the industry hit hardest by coronavirus?
8617
8618	Home invasion.
8619
8620	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fouky9/you_know_the_industry_hit_hardest_by_coronavirus/
8621	%
8622	What is Harry Potter's way of getting down a hill?
8623
8624	Walking
8625	Jk. rolling
8626
8627	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fouf5s/what_is_harry_potters_way_of_getting_down_a_hill/
8628	%
8629	When the DJ plays "Macarena", I do the Macarena
8630
8631	when the DJ plays "Hokey Pokey", I do the Hokey Pokey. When the DJ plays "Come on Eileen". I get arrested.
8632
8633	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou4p5/when_the_dj_plays_macarena_i_do_the_macarena/
8634	%
8635	I can talk to animals!
8636
8637	Such a shame they have no idea what I'm saying
8638
8639	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou1pu/i_can_talk_to_animals/
8640	%
8641	What do whales do during Social Distancing?
8642
8643	Netflix and Krill
8644
8645	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou0un/what_do_whales_do_during_social_distancing/
8646	%
8647	What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
8648
8649	One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
8650
8651	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foty85/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/
8652	%
8653	At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them
8654
8655	There were just a few Casual Tees.
8656
8657	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foty3a/at_a_clothing_store_i_came_across_some_fancy/
8658	%
8659	What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?
8660
8661	An investigator.
8662
8663	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foturk/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_a_vest_on_an/
8664	%
8665	What do you call a fake koi fish?
8666
8667	A dekoi...
8668
8669	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotugg/what_do_you_call_a_fake_koi_fish/
8670	%
8671	Four farmers are feeding their chickens
8672
8673	The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"
8674	The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."
8675	The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."
8676	The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his chickens.
8677	The other three stare at him and say nothing.
8678	He eventually notices the staring and says, "What? I like my chicken baked."
8679
8680	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotm9p/four_farmers_are_feeding_their_chickens/
8681	%
8682	I went to the supermarket to get some beer...
8683
8684	And I came back with a case of Corona
8685
8686	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotl8k/i_went_to_the_supermarket_to_get_some_beer/
8687	%
8688	A Blonde and A lawyer.
8689
8690	A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
8691	He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
8692	The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
8693	"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
8694	She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
8695	The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He searches on the airport wifi, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
8696	The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
8697	The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
8698	Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
8699
8700	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fot93m/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer/
8701	%
8702	In democracy your vote counts.
8703
8704	But in feudalism, your Count votes.
8705
8706	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fot245/in_democracy_your_vote_counts/
8707	%
8708	How many of the pennies in a roll of pennies have a Lincoln face?
8709
8710	It's actually one per cent.
8711
8712	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foszfs/how_many_of_the_pennies_in_a_roll_of_pennies_have/
8713	%
8714	Men are a lot like infants.
8715
8716	If you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
8717
8718	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosyjy/men_are_a_lot_like_infants/
8719	%
8720	What sound does a Chinese cat make?
8721
8722	mao
8723
8724	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosw08/what_sound_does_a_chinese_cat_make/
8725	%
8726	My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.
8727
8728	That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
8729
8730	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fostaj/my_2020_new_years_resolution_was_to_reduce_my/
8731	%
8732	I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
8733
8734	My pronouns are He/Hee
8735
8736	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosje1/i_sexually_identify_as_michael_jackson/
8737	%
8738	As a blind man, I've a hard time eating fish..
8739
8740	I can't seafood..
8741
8742	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosg0h/as_a_blind_man_ive_a_hard_time_eating_fish/
8743	%
8744	Prince Charles is in isolation with Covid - 19
8745
8746	His brother Andrew is in isolation with Bethany - 14
8747
8748	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/forwh4/prince_charles_is_in_isolation_with_covid_19/
8749	%
8750	If I could describe myself in one word...
8751
8752	It would be "bad at following directions".
8753
8754	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/forswb/if_i_could_describe_myself_in_one_word/
8755	%
8756	Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”
8757
8758	His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”
8759	Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”
8760	“We send them at night.”
8761
8762	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foromq/trump_decides_he_is_going_to_reinvigorate_the/
8763	%
8764	NEVER ALL AT ONCE
8765
8766	A farmer had a three-legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.
8767	“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.
8768	“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
8769	“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
8770	“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.
8771	“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.
8772	Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”
8773
8774	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foril5/never_all_at_once/
8775	%
8776	Two unattractive women walk into a bar
8777
8778	and order drinks.
8779	While preparing the drinks, the bartender notes their accent and asks
8780	"Are you two ladies from England?"
8781	In a less than friendly tone one of them mutters "Wales"
8782	So the bartender apologizes and re-asks his question
8783	"I'm sorry, are you two whales from England?"
8784
8785	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/for6m3/two_unattractive_women_walk_into_a_bar/
8786	%
8787	A guy and a girl were on their 1st date.
8788
8789	Girl: "So what do you do?"
8790	Guy: "I own a mining business."
8791	Girl: "What do you mine?"
8792	Guy: "I mine my own fucking business."
8793
8794	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/for46o/a_guy_and_a_girl_were_on_their_1st_date/
8795	%
8796	People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow...
8797
8798	Too soon
8799
8800	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqy2z/people_are_making_apocalypse_jokes_like_theres_no/
8801	%
8802	Did you hear that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus?
8803
8804	After all these years he's finally been coronated.
8805
8806	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqplp/did_you_hear_that_prince_charles_has_tested/
8807	%
8808	There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.
8809
8810	Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
8811	They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
8812	He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
8813	The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
8814	The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
8815
8816	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqp04/there_once_was_a_man_who_owned_a_sausage_factory/
8817	%
8818	Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart...
8819
8820	... We are supposed to be shelf isolating!
8821
8822	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqopt/dont_forget_to_keep_everything_in_your/
8823	%
8824	What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?
8825
8826	I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
8827
8828	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqh11/whats_the_difference_between_jimmy_fallon_and/
8829	%
8830	A bunch of teenagers TP'd my house last night
8831
8832	It's now appraised at $750,000.
8833
8834	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqgs5/a_bunch_of_teenagers_tpd_my_house_last_night/
8835	%
8836	There is no toilet paper
8837
8838	So I’ve got to use newspaper...
8839	The Times are rough.
8840
8841	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqf41/there_is_no_toilet_paper/
8842	%
8843	“John, would you be so kind as to fetch me a glass of water?”
8844
8845	“Right away, Sir.”
8846	“Here you go, Sir.”
8847	“Thank you!… Oh, John!”
8848	“Yes, Sir.”
8849	“Bring me another glass of water, will you?”
8850	“Of course, Sir.”
8851	“Here it is, Sir.”
8852	“Many thanks, John!”
8853	“John!”
8854	“Sir?”
8855	“I’m afraid I shall need another glass of water.”
8856	“But, Sir, so much water might not be so good for you.”
8857	“John, the water is not for me, can you not see the library is on fire?”
8858
8859	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq9vd/john_would_you_be_so_kind_as_to_fetch_me_a_glass/
8860	%
8861	2 condoms walk past a gay bar..
8862
8863	One says to the other, 'wanna get shit faced?'
8864
8865	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq84e/2_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/
8866	%
8867	I wish my cake day was 11 days ago
8868
8869	I prefer pie
8870
8871	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq57j/i_wish_my_cake_day_was_11_days_ago/
8872	%
8873	I was stopped at a checkpoint and they asked for my ID.
8874
8875	Little did they know about my ego and superego.
8876
8877	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq4bg/i_was_stopped_at_a_checkpoint_and_they_asked_for/
8878	%
8879	I'm a bit cross
8880
8881	The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
8882	The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
8883	The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
8884	The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
8885	The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
8886	Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
8887	The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
8888	Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
8889	The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
8890	Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
8891	The Russians have said “Its not us”
8892
8893	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq29i/im_a_bit_cross/
8894	%
8895	I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he died.
8896
8897	“Are you still holding the ladder?”
8898
8899	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq275/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/
8900	%
8901	Stomach Pains
8902
8903	A man goes to the doctor with sever pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over and delivers the prognosis.
8904	"Sir. You are infected with a very large tapeworm. It's larger than I've ever seen and I fear traditional medicine will not help you get rid of it. I know how to get rid of it, but you'll have to trust me because my method will sound a little unorthodox."
8905	"Ok, Doc. What should we do?" says the man.
8906	"Come back to my office tomorrow and bring with you a banana and a snickers bar."
8907	The man looks confused but agrees. He returns the next day with the banana and a Snickers bar.
8908	He is instructed to disrobe and bend over. The doctor then takes the banana, shoves it up the mans ass and waits 60 seconds. Then he takes the Snickers bar and shoves it up the man's ass and waits 60 seconds.
8909	"Ok sir. Come back tomorrow at the same time with the same items."
8910	The next day, the man returns and the doctor repeats the same procedure. This goes on for 5 more days until the man is about to break.
8911	"Doctor! Please! How long must we do this for?"
8912	The Doctor apologizes for the man's discomfort but reassures him that tomorrow will be his last appointment. He said to come back at the same time but this time to bring a banana, a Snickers bar and a hammer.
8913	"A hammer?" says the man, shaking.
8914	"Yes. Just trust me." say the Doctor.
8915	The next day the man returns with the banana, the Snickers and the hammer. The doctor asks him again to disrobe and bend over and proceeds to shove the banana up the man's ass. He waits 60 seconds.....120 seconds......3 minutes......5 minutes.
8916	"Well doctor? Are you going to use the snickers?"
8917	"Just be patient." Says the doctor.
8918	Just then, the worm pops his head out of the man's ass and says "Where the hell is my Snickers?" and the doctor grabs the hammer and SMASHES HIM!
8919
8920	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopvvf/stomach_pains/
8921	%
8922	Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19
8923
8924	The queen will have a receding heir line
8925
8926	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopu34/prince_charles_diagnosed_with_covid19/
8927	%
8928	Peanuts as present
8929
8930	A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.
8931	15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?” She replied and said “We have no teeth so we aren't able to chew them.”
8932	Confused, he asks, “If you can't chew them, why do you buy them?” She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!”
8933
8934	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopolc/peanuts_as_present/
8935	%
8936	Therapist asks the patient, "What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?"
8937
8938	"Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead", they answered.
8939
8940	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foplcf/therapist_asks_the_patient_what_would_you_say_to/
8941	%
8942	All countries eventually got coronavirus
8943
8944	But China got it right off the bat.
8945
8946	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopdvz/all_countries_eventually_got_coronavirus/
8947	%
8948	I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
8949
8950	Nobody expects the Spanish in position
8951
8952	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopazq/ive_finally_worked_out_why_spain_is_so_good_at/
8953	%
8954	Whats the Difference between coronavirus and me ?
8955
8956	People pay attention to coronavirus
8957
8958	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopatr/whats_the_difference_between_coronavirus_and_me/
8959	%
8960	My dad's a legend
8961
8962	Like a real legend. People talk about him but I've never seen him myself.
8963
8964	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopa02/my_dads_a_legend/
8965	%
8966	A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
8967
8968	The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
8969	"Why not?" asked the man.
8970	"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
8971	"But I need it really bad," said the man.
8972	"Well, why do you need it so badly? asked the doctor.
8973	The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
8974	The doctor finally relented saying,"Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
8975	"On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
8976	The doctor asked, “What happened to you?"
8977	The man said, "No one showed up.
8978
8979	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop87p/a_man_went_to_the_doctors_office_to_get_a_double/
8980	%
8981	My wife asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.
8982
8983	I said yes, but it was an accident.
8984	How can you accidentally piss in the shower? She asked.
8985	Well I said, it sometimes happens when I take a shit.
8986
8987	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop27w/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_pissed_in_the/
8988	%
8989	When life gives you melons
8990
8991	You’re dyslexic
8992
8993	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop1qy/when_life_gives_you_melons/
8994	%
8995	Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom?
8996
8997	Because Rick Astley is British.
8998
8999	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop1ai/why_do_they_spell_it_honour_and_favour_in_the/
9000	%
9001	I bumped into an old school friend today.
9002
9003	He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
9004	Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
9005	I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
9006	He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
9007	I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
9008
9009	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foow9r/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/
9010	%
9011	Irish drinking
9012
9013	A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
9014	One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
9015	The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
9016	Forty minutes later, the Irishman who had left returned and said, -"Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
9017	-"Sure!"- said the American, -"20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
9018	-"Grand!"- replied the Irishman, -"So pour the pints and start the clock."
9019	It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
9020	-"OK, Yank, pay up."- said the Irishman.
9021	-"I'm happy to pay, here's your money."-
9022	said the American. -"But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?”
9023	-"Well mate,"- replied the Irishman, -"$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do
9024
9025	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foos6k/irish_drinking/
9026	%
9027	Hey guys, I don't know how to cheer up my cannibal friend.
9028
9029	He recently dumped his girlfriend.
9030
9031	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fooq11/hey_guys_i_dont_know_how_to_cheer_up_my_cannibal/
9032	%
9033	Little Johnny Walked into his dad's bedroom [NSFW]
9034
9035	one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
9036	Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin dad?”
9037	His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed”, to which Little Johnny replied “What ya gonna do, fuck him?”
9038
9039	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foojyi/little_johnny_walked_into_his_dads_bedroom_nsfw/
9040	%
9041	A man goes to the circus.
9042
9043	After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
9044	"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
9045	\-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
9046	\-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
9047	\-"Oh well", the man says and flies away.
9048
9049	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo9m1/a_man_goes_to_the_circus/
9050	%
9051	I think my wife is performing in a musical behind my back...
9052
9053	I asked to see it but she just gave me song and dance
9054
9055	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo5kz/i_think_my_wife_is_performing_in_a_musical_behind/
9056	%
9057	A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop
9058
9059	She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
9060	“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh no ma’am, I’m not using profanity. Dam Ham is what we call the especially delicious filets we get from the big trout caught down by the dam.” The woman apologizes for the misunderstanding, buys the filet, and goes home.
9061	Later that evening, her husband comes home from work and asks, “What is that Heavenly smell?” “Thats Dam Ham,” she replies. “Honey! What would the congregation think if they knew their pastor’s wife was speaking in such a way?” “Oh no honey, I would never!” She responds “They call it Dam Ham because it’s a special filet from one of the big trout caught down by the dam.” She finishes dinner and they sit down at the table with their two beautiful children. They join hands and say grace. The husband carves the meat, takes some for himself, then passes the plate to his son. After taking his first bite, the husband says, “Honey, you’ve really outdone yourself. This Dam Ham is delicious!
9062	“Right on, Dad!” The son says “Now could you pass the fucking potatoes?”
9063
9064	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo20j/a_pastors_wife_walks_into_a_butcher_shop/
9065	%
9066	What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam?
9067
9068	A crane.
9069
9070	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo1od/what_normal_bird_has_the_strength_to_lift_a_steel/
9071	%
9072	They say God grants wishes
9073
9074	... but they omit the fact that we have go there to receive our wish.
9075
9076	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foni66/they_say_god_grants_wishes/
9077	%
9078	Of course I touch myself when I think about you
9079
9080	It is called face palm
9081
9082	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foncfg/of_course_i_touch_myself_when_i_think_about_you/
9083	%
9084	I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.
9085
9086	Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.
9087	(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)
9088
9089	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fon7jm/i_need_a_recommendation_for_a_good_breakfast_wine/
9090	%
9091	My daughter won't tell me about her date with a Norse god...
9092
9093	She's keeping it Loki.
9094
9095	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomxit/my_daughter_wont_tell_me_about_her_date_with_a/
9096	%
9097	A woman dies and goes up to heaven
9098
9099	But as soon as she arrives she finds lots of people baking furiously outside the gates.
9100	She walks up to St Peter and asks him why everyone is baking and no one is going inside.
9101	“Did you not know? Cake gets you karma”
9102
9103	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomlqm/a_woman_dies_and_goes_up_to_heaven/
9104	%
9105	What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?
9106
9107	Chicken caesar salad........
9108
9109	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomjh7/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_a_lettuce/
9110	%
9111	How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position?
9112
9113	Flipper
9114
9115	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomch0/how_does_a_dolphin_get_his_lady_into_missionary/
9116	%
9117	What do sprinters eat before a race?
9118
9119	Nothing, they fast.
9120
9121	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomc74/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/
9122	%
9123	What did the custodian say when they jumped out of the closet?
9124
9125	Supplies!
9126
9127	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fombtw/what_did_the_custodian_say_when_they_jumped_out/
9128	%
9129	A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”
9130
9131	The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
9132	The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
9133	The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!”
9134	“Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.”
9135
9136	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fom5nd/a_man_walks_into_a_police_station_and_announces/
9137	%
9138	What's the difference between criticism and constructive criticism?
9139
9140	One pisses you off and the other helps to piss you off
9141
9142	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folykp/whats_the_difference_between_criticism_and/
9143	%
9144	What is an immigrant’s favourite sport?
9145
9146	Cross-country.
9147
9148	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foltaa/what_is_an_immigrants_favourite_sport/
9149	%
9150	My friend said I'm starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman.
9151
9152	What a joker!
9153
9154	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foloz3/my_friend_said_im_starting_to_annoy_him_because_i/
9155	%
9156	f you boil a funny bone
9157
9158	It becomes a laughing stock.
9159	Now that's humerus!
9160
9161	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folhzm/f_you_boil_a_funny_bone/
9162	%
9163	What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift?
9164
9165	Gloves. Just Joking.
9166	He still hasn't opened the gift.
9167
9168	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folh8o/what_did_the_man_with_no_hands_get_for_his/
9169	%
9170	A mathematician and a physicist are asked to answer a math question:
9171
9172	Joe has 4000 burgers then he eats 4 burgers, how many burgers does Joe have left?
9173	The matematician says: "well 4000-4=3996, so Joe has 3996 burgers left."
9174	The physicist says: "well 4 is pretty small compared to 4000, so Joe has 4000 burgers."
9175
9176	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folfhi/a_mathematician_and_a_physicist_are_asked_to/
9177	%
9178	What does a horny guillotine want
9179
9180	Head
9181
9182	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foleo1/what_does_a_horny_guillotine_want/
9183	%
9184	I was going to tell a dead baby joke,
9185
9186	but I decided to abort.
9187
9188	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foldzo/i_was_going_to_tell_a_dead_baby_joke/
9189	%
9190	Lizzard
9191
9192	So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.
9193	Lizard Birth
9194	If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
9195	the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
9196	I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
9197	Here's what happened:
9198	Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
9199	was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
9200	"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?"
9201	I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
9202	him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
9203	on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
9204	"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
9205	"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
9206	"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
9207	I was equally outraged.
9208	"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them
9209	to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
9210	"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
9211	she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
9212	"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
9213	"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
9214	"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
9215	she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
9216	By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
9217	going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
9218	"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
9219	"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
9220	We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
9221	like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
9222	"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
9223	"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
9224	"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
9225	"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
9226	when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared.
9227	I tried several more times with the same results.
9228	"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
9229	"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
9230	pattern here with the females in my house?)
9231	"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
9232	with my son holding the cage in his lap.
9233	"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
9234	The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
9235	at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
9236	"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
9237	"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
9238	may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
9239	I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
9240	"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
9241	"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
9242	In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You
9243	see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
9244	into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.
9245	We were silent,absorbing this.
9246	"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.
9247	"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
9248	More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
9249	And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
9250	Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . .."
9251	She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
9252	"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
9253	"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
9254	"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
9255	Two lizards: $140.
9256	One cage: $50.
9257	Trip to the vet: $30.
9258	Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
9259	Priceless!
9260	Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
9261	Lizards lay eggs!
9262
9263	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foldme/lizzard/
9264	%
9265	how do you make a creative Star Wars joke?
9266
9267	you have to think outside of the jarjar
9268
9269	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fol96q/how_do_you_make_a_creative_star_wars_joke/
9270	%
9271	What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
9272
9273	You can have your cake and eat it too!
9274
9275	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokzhx/what_happens_when_no_one_comes_to_your_birthday/
9276	%
9277	Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk.
9278
9279	Sorry for ignoring you in the past.
9280
9281	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokxlp/where_are_those_guys_who_told_me_i_can_earn_5k_a/
9282	%
9283	God finds a genie lamp.
9284
9285	He wishes people would stop wishing to him. Genie says that's a hard one I'm gonna have to pray for some help.
9286
9287	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokpr6/god_finds_a_genie_lamp/
9288	%
9289	One day a Russian, A Chinese and a Filipino are on a boat.
9290
9291	The Russian takes out a gun and throws it off the boat.
9292	The Chinese asks "Why did you throw that?"
9293	The Russian replies "Don't worry we have many of those in motherland."
9294	The Chinese then proceeds to throw a cellphone overboard.
9295	The Russian asks "Why did you throw that?"
9296	The Chinese replies "It's fine, we have a lot of those in China."
9297	The Filipino then picks up the Chinese and throws him overboard.
9298	The Russian screams "Why the hell did you do that?!"
9299	The Filipino says "It's OK we have a lot of those in the Philippines."
9300
9301	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokdy0/one_day_a_russian_a_chinese_and_a_filipino_are_on/
9302	%
9303	A good book is a lot like a cute puppy.
9304
9305	Easy to pick up, hard to put down.
9306
9307	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojxmc/a_good_book_is_a_lot_like_a_cute_puppy/
9308	%
9309	Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.
9310
9311	Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.
9312
9313	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojxkx/los_angeles_sherriff_just_recently_ordered_gun/
9314	%
9315	The answer is going to a grocery store during a pandemic
9316
9317	That's what I'd do for a Klondike bar
9318
9319	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojsfi/the_answer_is_going_to_a_grocery_store_during_a/
9320	%
9321	My son wouldn't accept my bonsai tree gift, saying that it wasn't gender-neutral enough. Sadly, the incident gave me a small heart attack.
9322
9323	I'm fine, but I'll eventually need a trans plant.
9324
9325	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojh1w/my_son_wouldnt_accept_my_bonsai_tree_gift_saying/
9326	%
9327	Three men go deer hunting.
9328
9329	They've been out there for hours before one of the men finally sees a buck.
9330	He shoots the buck and they're tracking its blood when one of the other guys says "we need to hurry i need to shit."
9331	They proceed to take the dead buck back to camp and start gutting the deer. That's when the other guy said "fuck it, im just going to shit behind that tree. I cant hold it any more"
9332	The two guys are sitting there cleaning the buck still and one of them say. "Hey lets put these guts under him so it looks like he shit his guts out" .
9333	So they snuck over and put the guts under him while he's shitting without him noticing them and went back to wait for him.
9334	About 30 - 45 mins later guy comes back saying "Y'all wont believe this, i think i shit my guts out! But with the grace of god and a big stick i got them back in there".
9335	Sorry for the grammar im an illiterate hick on a phone.
9336
9337	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojg8l/three_men_go_deer_hunting/
9338	%
9339	I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.
9340
9341	I think I put more thyme in it than I should.
9342
9343	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojeh9/i_forgot_i_marinated_the_beef_3_days_ago/
9344	%
9345	What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
9346
9347	Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and have been living together for a year and are now she tells you she’s pregnant, so now you work extra hours and spent long nights planning on how you are going to give the support to the loves of your life and after many brutal months the baby comes out and you are in complete happiness for 15 seconds before you realize something is off, and that something is the baby, you then realize that it’s not yours and you pass out on the floor, everything goes black, everyone is in shock, you wake next to your “wife” and your “child” that you just spent so much time and money on, and she tries to explain it was an accident, it was a one time thing, but now you know, that she wasn’t happy all along, so you let her and the child go... you let them move away, but no, they don’t take any of the things you bought for the baby, anything you worked so hard for, for them, they leave you alone with nothing to live for. But what is left is an apple, an apple that when you take a bite, you find half a worm.
9348
9349	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojdeg/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/
9350	%
9351	1,732,582,439 and 1,732,582,440 got into a fight
9352
9353	1,732,582,441
9354
9355	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojddu/1732582439_and_1732582440_got_into_a_fight/
9356	%
9357	The first contact between space aliens and humans
9358
9359	A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"
9360	"We don't have enough money."
9361	"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"
9362	"We don't have enough money."
9363	"Why are so many people ill despite that there are cures?"
9364	"We don't have enough money."
9365	"You know, maybe if scarcity of this mysterious resource that you call "money" is so big problem for you, then maybe our civilization could somehow help you to get more of it?"
9366	"There is no need, we can print as much money as we want!"
9367	"Okay, thanks for the conversation." Then the alien returns to its spaceship and reports to its boss that there is no sight of intelligent life on Earth.
9368
9369	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojcp2/the_first_contact_between_space_aliens_and_humans/
9370	%
9371	The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
9372
9373	On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon"
9374	Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale,
9375	"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...
9376	"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
9377	"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
9378	"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
9379	After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
9380	"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
9381	"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"
9382	"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
9383	"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith.
9384	"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
9385	"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
9386	The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This one was done on the top of a bus," he said.
9387	"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her chest.
9388	"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
9389	"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
9390	"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
9391	"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
9392	"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
9393	Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um. equipment?"
9394	"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
9395	"Tripod?"
9396	"Oh yes, Ma'am, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long.
9397	With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
9398
9399	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojbwb/the_smiths_were_unable_to_conceive_children_and/
9400	%
9401	Pretty soon we are going to grow fond of being trapped in our own homes, worrying about having enough supplies....
9402
9403	We are going to develop stock home syndrome.
9404
9405	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojb8o/pretty_soon_we_are_going_to_grow_fond_of_being/
9406	%
9407	I know the Corona virus isn’t my dad
9408
9409	Because it’s still here
9410
9411	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foj82s/i_know_the_corona_virus_isnt_my_dad/
9412	%
9413	An old pub had a dog called Rover
9414
9415	, who all the patrons loved. Unfortunately, one day Rover passed away. To honour the passing of their beloved dog, they cut off his tail and pinned it above the fireplace.
9416	With this, Rover went up to doggy heaven where he was met at the pearly white gates by Saint Peter. As Rover approached the gates, Saint Peter says to him "I'm sorry Rover, I can't let you into doggy heaven unless you are complete. I must send you back down to earth to fetch your tail." Saint Peter then raised his arms and sent Rover back down to earth as a ghost.
9417	By the time Rover reaches the old pub back on earth, it's about 2 am and the pub is shut. Eager to get into heaven, Rover starts barking outside. The landlord wakes up, opens his window, and looks outside at the ghostly dog and asks "Rover? Is that you boy?", "Yes, it is" replied Rover " I've come to get my tail as I am not allowed into heaven without it!" The landlord looks Rover in the eyes and says "I'm sorry boy, but you know the rules... We don't serve spirits after 12"
9418
9419	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foj7wn/an_old_pub_had_a_dog_called_rover/
9420	%
9421	Another day at the underwear store...
9422
9423	A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.
9424	"Only two pairs of underwear?"
9425	"Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash."
9426	The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order.
9427	A second man walks in. "5 pairs of underwear please."
9428	"Only 5 eh?"
9429	"Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend."
9430	The man behind the counter shakes his head. "Well, you're better then the last guy!"
9431	A third man walks in. "7 pairs of underwear please."
9432	"Finally, a man who knows hygiene!"
9433	"Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday."
9434	At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. "12 pairs of underwear please."
9435	"Wow! You must be really clean!"
9436	The man smiles. "Yup, that's me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April..."
9437
9438	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foizep/another_day_at_the_underwear_store/
9439	%
9440	What’s a confused person’s favorite drink?
9441
9442	What-er!
9443
9444	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foiuc0/whats_a_confused_persons_favorite_drink/
9445	%
9446	My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard
9447
9448	But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86
9449
9450	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foio4i/my_wife_said_that_if_i_dont_get_off_my_computer/
9451	%
9452	No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)...
9453
9454	...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow.
9455
9456	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foil48/no_matter_how_hard_you_work_out_nsfw/
9457	%
9458	The US 2020 census might want to wait a few months....
9459
9460	Something tells me those numbers are going to be dropping soon....
9461
9462	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foid62/the_us_2020_census_might_want_to_wait_a_few_months/
9463	%
9464	An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas
9465
9466	"Dear santa,
9467	I have no money this Christmas for any toys. please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched by the message they put together $50 and send it back to the boy for Christmas. When the boy received the letter he was ecstatic, opens it in a rush and pulls out the $50. he was happy but also saddened... picks up the pen and immediately works on a reply.
9468	"Dear Santa, thank you so much for the present! It made me very happy. however I think the assholes at the post office may have opened the envelope and stolen a $50 bill!.
9469
9470	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foicaf/an_little_orphan_boy_writes_a_letter_to_santa_on/
9471	%
9472	I told my Italian housemate that "I'm not a materialist", he asked "is that a pronoun?",
9473
9474	I replied "no, it's more anti noun"
9475
9476	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi2k7/i_told_my_italian_housemate_that_im_not_a/
9477	%
9478	How do you measure a snake?
9479
9480	In inches since they dont have any feet
9481
9482	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi167/how_do_you_measure_a_snake/
9483	%
9484	If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.
9485
9486	Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.
9487
9488	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi10x/if_you_see_a_deer_with_out_antlers_acting_crazy/
9489	%
9490	My 6-year-old wrote a timely coronavirus joke
9491
9492	What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli?
9493	"Let's be friends", because we're both bad things.
9494
9495	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohxyz/my_6yearold_wrote_a_timely_coronavirus_joke/
9496	%
9497	During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry.
9498
9499	The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words relief, stimulus or package
9500
9501	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohxmj/during_this_crisis_the_government_is_trying_to/
9502	%
9503	For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task
9504
9505	They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.
9506
9507	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohowr/for_those_unaware_big_ben_is_undergoing/
9508	%
9509	Trump knows a lot about bankruptcy
9510
9511	China’s going to find out the joke’s on them
9512
9513	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohmt5/trump_knows_a_lot_about_bankruptcy/
9514	%
9515	The Coronavirus infects you very quickly
9516
9517	The first person who had it was infected right off the bat.
9518
9519	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohlpa/the_coronavirus_infects_you_very_quickly/
9520	%
9521	Helicopter backwards is retpocileH
9522
9523	Helicopter upside down is how Kobe died
9524
9525	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohg4g/helicopter_backwards_is_retpocileh/
9526	%
9527	What starts with Co-, ends with -s, and has been a real scourge to the USA lately?
9528
9529	Congress.
9530
9531	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohfp5/what_starts_with_co_ends_with_s_and_has_been_a/
9532	%
9533	A friend asked me how many types of noodles there are
9534
9535	I said the pastabilities are endless
9536
9537	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohf6i/a_friend_asked_me_how_many_types_of_noodles_there/
9538	%
9539	What do you call someone who watches you take a test while wearing a vest?
9540
9541	Proctor Seuss
9542
9543	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohawq/what_do_you_call_someone_who_watches_you_take_a/
9544	%
9545	Field Trip
9546
9547	A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
9548	went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
9549	about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
9550	mostly to see the horses.
9551	When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
9552	that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
9553	other.
9554	The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when
9555	one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
9556	urinal.
9557	Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
9558	began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
9559	'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
9560	As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
9561	well endowed. Trying not t o show that she was staring the teacher said,
9562	'You must be in the 5th grade.'
9563	'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
9564
9565	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fogrwo/field_trip/
9566	%
9567	Frank
9568
9569	A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.You're just like Frank.
9570	'Passenger: 'Who?'
9571	Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
9572	Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.
9573	'Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
9574	Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
9575	Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.
9576	'Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
9577	Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
9578	Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
9579	Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fricking wife."
9580
9581	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fognir/frank/
9582	%
9583	8 days into quarantine and it feels like I’m in Vegas.
9584
9585	I’m loosing money by the hour, no one knows what time it is and cocktails are acceptable and encouraged at any hour!
9586
9587	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fogbme/8_days_into_quarantine_and_it_feels_like_im_in/
9588	%
9589	What do you call someone who makes a movie during the COVID-19 pandemic
9590
9591	Quentin Quarantino
9592
9593	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fog56n/what_do_you_call_someone_who_makes_a_movie_during/
9594	%
9595	Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except for one.
9596
9597	He’s never gonna give you Up.
9598
9599	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofulh/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/
9600	%
9601	What do you call a German saddle?
9602
9603	Leaderhorsen
9604
9605	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofkvn/what_do_you_call_a_german_saddle/
9606	%
9607	I’m in hospital at the moment
9608
9609	Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was
9610
9611	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofk3r/im_in_hospital_at_the_moment/
9612	%
9613	How do I feel about quarantine
9614
9615	I ate 11 times, slept 5 times and it is still today.
9616
9617	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofbn0/how_do_i_feel_about_quarantine/
9618	%
9619	Deep in the Jungle
9620
9621	, a Monkey and Lizard are sitting in a tree smoking weed with some other animal friends getting stoned. After about an hour, all the animals are blitzed, laughing their asses off, and the Lizard falls from the tree. Unharmed, the lizard tells its friends above that it’s gonna grab a drink from the river. The Lizard goes, and as it approaches the water, starts drinking, only to be looking face to face with a crocodile. The Croc, a straight edge, yells at the Lizard “What the hell are you doing with your life, wasting it away! Look how high you are, laughing, stoned off your ass! Get your shit together!” The Lizard, looks at the Croc; eyes bloodshot, it’s dazed and confused answers the Croc “Buddy, you think I’m zonked? Go look at the monkey in the tree!” And continues drinking. The Croc heads up to the tree and climbs, gets to the top and the Monkey starts exploding from laughter. Laughs so hard, he falls right off the tree! The Croc goes down and sees the monkey still laughing on the floor, stoned as shit. The monkey looks at the Croc and goes “Lizard how much fucking water did you drink??”
9622
9623	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof9i6/deep_in_the_jungle/
9624	%
9625	I was confused, when a football kept getting bigger and bigger....
9626
9627	And that's when it hit me.
9628
9629	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof400/i_was_confused_when_a_football_kept_getting/
9630	%
9631	A man walks into a bar...
9632
9633	"Hi! Please may I have some helicopter flavoured chips!"
9634	"Sorry, we've only got plane."
9635
9636	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof316/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
9637	%
9638	I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said "Sex! Sex ! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
9639
9640	I said "Wow!"
9641	Then her friend said "She means 666-3629"
9642
9643	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foez7k/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_said/
9644	%
9645	9 out of 10 people agree
9646
9647	that 1 out of 10 people will disagree with the other 9
9648
9649	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foexnx/9_out_of_10_people_agree/
9650	%
9651	Ok. Years ago, I used to have a third nipple.
9652
9653	...I’m so glad I got that off my chest.
9654
9655	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foes59/ok_years_ago_i_used_to_have_a_third_nipple/
9656	%
9657	What did the cat say when he went back in time and ran into his former self?
9658
9659	You have got to be kitten me.
9660
9661	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foejef/what_did_the_cat_say_when_he_went_back_in_time/
9662	%
9663	A European tells an American a joke
9664
9665	European: Wanna hear a joke?
9666	American: Sure.
9667	European: Free Healthcare
9668	American: I don't get it
9669	European: I know.
9670
9671	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foe9pl/a_european_tells_an_american_a_joke/
9672	%
9673	To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.
9674
9675	Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
9676
9677	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodtha/to_kill_a_french_vampire_you_have_to_drive_a/
9678	%
9679	Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
9680
9681	They rub it, and a genie appears.
9682	"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
9683	The first dinosaur thinks hard.
9684	"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
9685	Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
9686	Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
9687	"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
9688	Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
9689	The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
9690	"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
9691
9692	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodtc4/three_dinosaurs_are_running_across_the_desert/
9693	%
9694	Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet ?
9695
9696	The looked at the reviews.....only 1 star
9697
9698	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodnnz/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/
9699	%
9700	In America, the president's guards aren't allowed to say "get down, mr president"
9701
9702	They now need to say " Donald duck"
9703
9704	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fod5jf/in_america_the_presidents_guards_arent_allowed_to/
9705	%
9706	Scientists have announced a breakthrough: a Plant that eliminates Coronavirus in 100% of all cases!
9707
9708	It's called Plant-your-ass-in-your-chair and stay the F home.
9709
9710	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fod57r/scientists_have_announced_a_breakthrough_a_plant/
9711	%
9712	My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"
9713
9714	Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
9715
9716	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/focoda/my_ex_just_sneezed_and_i_accidentally_said_bless/
9717	%
9718	Mom and son are driving to school
9719
9720	Mom and son are driving and suddenly they get stuck next to a gay rights protest.
9721	Suddenly a huge dildo is thrown on the windshield and it gets stuck on it.
9722	Son: "Mom what is that?"
9723	Mom: (trying to perserve son's innocece)
9724	"Sweetie that is just a really big bug!"
9725	Son: "Well how does that bug fly with a big cock like that?"
9726
9727	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foc8gb/mom_and_son_are_driving_to_school/
9728	%
9729	A perfect cure for corona:
9730
9731	Tell corona that you are serious, you love it and that you want to spend the rest of your life with corona. You will not hear from corona ever again.
9732
9733	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobxxi/a_perfect_cure_for_corona/
9734	%
9735	My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
9736
9737	But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
9738
9739	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobpuf/my_mom_always_told_me_i_wouldnt_accomplish/
9740	%
9741	I haven't told my wife that I'm an objectophilic pyromaniac...
9742
9743	.. but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.
9744
9745	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foboat/i_havent_told_my_wife_that_im_an_objectophilic/
9746	%
9747	A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.
9748
9749	The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
9750	'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'
9751
9752	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobg93/a_woman_works_in_a_sperm_bank_she_is_taking_a/
9753	%
9754	My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.
9755
9756	And now, with this coronavirus thing...
9757
9758	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobf4b/my_wife_is_stressed_out_not_being_allowed_to/
9759	%
9760	A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that he had a dream...
9761
9762	In that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.
9763	"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.
9764	"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
9765
9766	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobeze/a_senior_west_wing_staffer_told_trump_that_he_had/
9767	%
9768	Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears
9769
9770	9 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian
9771
9772	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobbe4/today_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark_and_i/
9773	%
9774	Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo?
9775
9776	No, she just shakes it off.
9777	PS: please share the tp everyone.
9778
9779	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob2aj/does_taylor_swift_wipe_after_going_poo/
9780	%
9781	I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism...
9782
9783	And I beg you not to speak of the irony.
9784
9785	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob1qi/i_have_finally_completed_my_phd_in_literary/
9786	%
9787	A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins.
9788
9789	Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait.
9790	A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, they say, just grab one, it's what we do. After a while, he warms to the idea and makes them promise not to laugh at him. Solemnly, they all promise not too.
9791	Around dusk that night, he takes their advice and sure enough sees a couple of them out there. But when he returns to camp, they're all rolling around laughing at him. Incensed, he yells, "but you promised!" To which they reply, "we didn't know you'd pick the ugliest one!
9792
9793	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob0dx/a_strapping_young_man_joins_the_sheep_camp_but/
9794	%
9795	What is the oldest age at which someone can get a circumcision?
9796
9797	I just want to know the cut-off date.
9798
9799	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazv4/what_is_the_oldest_age_at_which_someone_can_get_a/
9800	%
9801	A plane is landing and slams into the ground a bit roughly...
9802
9803	The Captain comes on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentleman, on behalf of the entire crew we would like to apologize for the rough landing you just experienced.”
9804	“However, I want to ensure you that it was not my fault.”
9805	“Additionally, it was not the co-pilot’s fault either.”
9806	“It was the asphalt.”
9807
9808	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazii/a_plane_is_landing_and_slams_into_the_ground_a/
9809	%
9810	A nazi walks into a bar
9811
9812	He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!"
9813	The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!"
9814	Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction.
9815	The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".
9816	The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving.
9817	Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"
9818	The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"
9819
9820	— https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazhu/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/
9821	%
9822	Alien1: So how did the earthli

reddit-jokes.dat · 1.8 MiB · Binary Raw

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showerthoughts · 11 MiB · Text Raw

Fractals would make interesting flipbooks, where each page is a new iteration. In some cases, it would probably look like your falling into the paper as the pages flip.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imiyhm/fractals_would_make_interesting_flipbooks_where/ (someonerezcody)
%
Despite producing a lot of heat, lava lamp lightbulbs are actually incredibly efficient.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imh2kx/despite_producing_a_lot_of_heat_lava_lamp/ (TDA_Liamo)
%
Coffee is indirectly responsible for you keeping your job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imej0i/coffee_is_indirectly_responsible_for_you_keeping/ (8Romans)
%
All dreams are deja vu's, will they happen depends on your choices

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imd89d/all_dreams_are_deja_vus_will_they_happen_depends/ (vliukkiang)
%
Tired of being right? Use a vpn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imb1sl/tired_of_being_right_use_a_vpn/ (ivlark)
%
Millennials are the George McFly of generations

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im9ovq/millennials_are_the_george_mcfly_of_generations/ (TewCow)
%
A blowjob is the only job where if you don’t suck at it, you’re probably not very good at it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im9eux/a_blowjob_is_the_only_job_where_if_you_dont_suck/ (foshowdoe)
%
Some people are more hyped about getting something than actually using said thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im89bw/some_people_are_more_hyped_about_getting/ (_TH30RY)
%
When humans are able to 3D print organs and use them successfully a big chunk of the black market will fall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im6ati/when_humans_are_able_to_3d_print_organs_and_use/ (TotallyBrandNewName)
%
The brain is a universe

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im64lu/the_brain_is_a_universe/ (Wifiscifi)
%
It is very difficult to follow a hockey game when a fly keeps landing on the TV screen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im5z3d/it_is_very_difficult_to_follow_a_hockey_game_when/ (chernchern)
%
There are more adults that act like children than children that act like adults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im5vit/there_are_more_adults_that_act_like_children_than/ (Wildfire3713)
%
Crying is an allergic reaction to bad news

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im5ocv/crying_is_an_allergic_reaction_to_bad_news/ (Jewish_Anarchist)
%
Rappers be like hip hop a hippy a hippy to the hip hip hop you don't stop rocking to the bang bang boogey up jump the rhythem to the boogey dee beat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im4f8h/rappers_be_like_hip_hop_a_hippy_a_hippy_to_the/ (Chessboxxxin)
%
Seltzer tastes like tv static

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im429f/seltzer_tastes_like_tv_static/ (Boochpooch)
%
Everybody's stomach is full of vomit

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im3vyk/everybodys_stomach_is_full_of_vomit/ (Yukonmania)
%
The Golden Rule doesn’t take those who like sexual punishment into consideration.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im35kl/the_golden_rule_doesnt_take_those_who_like_sexual/ (Loudmouth_Tech_Fan)
%
If everyone’s sense of smell got 10% better at once we probably wouldn’t notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im275h/if_everyones_sense_of_smell_got_10_better_at_once/ (Og_Medium_Sized_Pump)
%
In video games, continuing to shoot someone after you've killed them is gaming's way of saying, "fuck you."

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im00pc/in_video_games_continuing_to_shoot_someone_after/ (_zanacks_)
%
Goodness isn't loud but echoes through the future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ily03t/goodness_isnt_loud_but_echoes_through_the_future/ (JaredLiwet)
%
Technically every paid pvp game is pay to win because you need to buy the game for a chance to win .

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilww7k/technically_every_paid_pvp_game_is_pay_to_win/ (Fe_oxay)
%
A slice of pizza is technically just another smaller pizza

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilwvnn/a_slice_of_pizza_is_technically_just_another/ (Xudda)
%
There's probably as many books with leather jackets as there are people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilv4dk/theres_probably_as_many_books_with_leather/ (littlebuster22)
%
Physically going to school might be the new “walked uphill both ways” for our stories to later generations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilu5eq/physically_going_to_school_might_be_the_new/ (volcom91891)
%
If a toy in toy-story died than the other toys would know it and would have to watch a kid play with a corpse

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iltvl2/if_a_toy_in_toystory_died_than_the_other_toys/ (BobbyBigBlack21)
%
Buying someone a dildo is the ultimate way to tell someone to go F*** themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilo3td/buying_someone_a_dildo_is_the_ultimate_way_to/ (JarlesV3)
%
A bed is far more comfortable during a weekday instead of a weekend

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilkpll/a_bed_is_far_more_comfortable_during_a_weekday/ (grandpoox)
%
Due to people with amputations, the amount of people with enough bones to make a human body does not equal 100%

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilk8rd/due_to_people_with_amputations_the_amount_of/ (Lansing17)
%
Water is made of pure wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilk7zk/water_is_made_of_pure_wet/ (AlienSpaceDingo)
%
"Running like a dog" is a weird saying seeing as dog's run so well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iljx5b/running_like_a_dog_is_a_weird_saying_seeing_as/ (netpenthe)
%
"I can't wait!" Sounds more urgent than excited

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ili53o/i_cant_wait_sounds_more_urgent_than_excited/ (Zoeyz93)
%
If ham radio enthusiasts had been born half a century later they would have 3d printers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilhqki/if_ham_radio_enthusiasts_had_been_born_half_a/ (aguygoesintoabar)
%
No one in the history of the Universe has been you, you are as unique as it gets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilhioz/no_one_in_the_history_of_the_universe_has_been/ (DJBusinessCake)
%
Be interesting to see when you reach your 80s or 90s, whether the Golden girls look old or young.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilhb7s/be_interesting_to_see_when_you_reach_your_80s_or/ (Tbagyogrill)
%
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilh6ua/incorrectly_is_always_spelt_incorrectly/ (Horny-Housewife)
%
Have a regular DnD night Tuesdays that just got postponed... My Tuesday used to feel like friday 😢

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilgi92/have_a_regular_dnd_night_tuesdays_that_just_got/ (Danilo2213)
%
If mosquitoes were going extinct even PETA wouldn’t advocate for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilg169/if_mosquitoes_were_going_extinct_even_peta/ (90sWannabe)
%
All gold is fool's gold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilfpty/all_gold_is_fools_gold/ (ThatGuy___YouKnow)
%
To pee, or not to pee. That is the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilemkv/to_pee_or_not_to_pee_that_is_the_question/ (TheBoOmBaptiZt)
%
Villains loose because they make their plans fool proof, not genius proof

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ile9fr/villains_loose_because_they_make_their_plans_fool/ (TrueDripDamage)
%
Technically speaking the glass isn't half empty or full

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilczvf/technically_speaking_the_glass_isnt_half_empty_or/ (Owenthemilkjug)
%
The letter B is letter P but pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilbhfz/the_letter_b_is_letter_p_but_pregnant/ (KoolIdiot)
%
Air is considered a fluid so blowing at something to clean it is the same as rinsing it off

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilbexy/air_is_considered_a_fluid_so_blowing_at_something/ (Skeeter_boi-)
%
Saying "I feel threatened." Is a threat in a very weird way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilbd5k/saying_i_feel_threatened_is_a_threat_in_a_very/ (fangmichdraussnjunge)
%
Being a “self made” man is simply impossible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilajdy/being_a_self_made_man_is_simply_impossible/ (DomyGSB)
%
Entrails are the original magicians ribbons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ila5y6/entrails_are_the_original_magicians_ribbons/ (littlebuster22)
%
Eat becomes Fat if you don’t draw a line somewhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il9gwi/eat_becomes_fat_if_you_dont_draw_a_line_somewhere/ (Pegi111)
%
Superheroes would never want to meet their creators because they would mad over the people killed by the villains they created as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il9gmy/superheroes_would_never_want_to_meet_their/ (DRHAX34)
%
communion wine is a holy spirit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il8znm/communion_wine_is_a_holy_spirit/ (FurryHunter41970)
%
People with one hand have a speech impediment in sign language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il8bkx/people_with_one_hand_have_a_speech_impediment_in/ (faaraad2)
%
The opposite of the opposite of the opposite of wrong is joined

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il78ue/the_opposite_of_the_opposite_of_the_opposite_of/ (ofnkrtffl)
%
Everyone thinks porn stars have great stamina But no one seems to last longer having sex than your mom and dad, when you can hear them through the wall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il6guq/everyone_thinks_porn_stars_have_great_stamina_but/ (ChrisBermansWallet)
%
We are able to capture HD footage of Mars, but have yet to see a ghost in HD quality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il61en/we_are_able_to_capture_hd_footage_of_mars_but/ (Qums)
%
Dogs may like being fussed because they think it brings you joy

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5q9a/dogs_may_like_being_fussed_because_they_think_it/ (terti164)
%
Bob Ross was the original ASMR

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5pyi/bob_ross_was_the_original_asmr/ (Common-Consensus)
%
Insects live in a world where Kaiju are real

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5prx/insects_live_in_a_world_where_kaiju_are_real/ (fabris6)
%
Love really IS blind because, well, it's an abstract concept.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5p2r/love_really_is_blind_because_well_its_an_abstract/ (isometimesbreathe)
%
"I Hope you have the day you deserve" can be both perceived as a compliment and a threat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5o1a/i_hope_you_have_the_day_you_deserve_can_be_both/ (Leo-bastian)
%
Third world countries get less second hand stuff thanks to recycling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il50t9/third_world_countries_get_less_second_hand_stuff/ (littlebuster22)
%
Any real explosion with enough energy to launch a person probably has enough energy to kill a person

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il3xyf/any_real_explosion_with_enough_energy_to_launch_a/ (Bag_of_plastic)
%
DNA is the original programming language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il3wl6/dna_is_the_original_programming_language/ (snp4)
%
People who accuse others of being “snowflakes” are usually “snowflakes”I themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il2wc9/people_who_accuse_others_of_being_snowflakes_are/ (aliengames666)
%
Medusa never won a staring contest

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il2c9m/medusa_never_won_a_staring_contest/ (PaceNace)
%
If Pinocchio said "My nose will grow", it would create a paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il1zzo/if_pinocchio_said_my_nose_will_grow_it_would/ (DankGamer135)
%
The majority of people probably have a more embarrassing calculator history than their browser history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il08mf/the_majority_of_people_probably_have_a_more/ (leonmaximiliano)
%
The sun is constantly setting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikzawh/the_sun_is_constantly_setting/ (Koiboi123456789)
%
As problematic as humans are, we are always seeking new and higher level information

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikyv21/as_problematic_as_humans_are_we_are_always/ (hernandi20)
%
Cheesybread with pizza is pointless. Its pizza with LESS toppings

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikxige/cheesybread_with_pizza_is_pointless_its_pizza/ (w_oos_y)
%
Incomparable could also be used as an insult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikwmk5/incomparable_could_also_be_used_as_an_insult/ (soldofpol13)
%
Data from Star Trek must have an interesting story about every single member of the Enterprise crew.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikw546/data_from_star_trek_must_have_an_interesting/ (setheb)
%
We grew up thinking a little pig eating roast beef is adorable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikvpkk/we_grew_up_thinking_a_little_pig_eating_roast/ (farooqskariem)
%
The opposite of Gray is literally any color.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikuxmv/the_opposite_of_gray_is_literally_any_color/ (pythonbashman)
%
The only thing that stops a monster in your closet is a blanket off of Amazon

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikulrj/the_only_thing_that_stops_a_monster_in_your/ (somkkeshav555)
%
The stork delivering a baby is an analogy for sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikukp1/the_stork_delivering_a_baby_is_an_analogy_for_sex/ (deathr919)
%
There are at least six people in the world: you, me, him, her, and them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikubpy/there_are_at_least_six_people_in_the_world_you_me/ (tomatoaway)
%
Cheeto dust is mac and cheese powder

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iku5it/cheeto_dust_is_mac_and_cheese_powder/ (ultranothing)
%
Centaurs can be classified as insects because they have six legs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iku3kw/centaurs_can_be_classified_as_insects_because/ (iballistiKitten)
%
Screwing a cat girl is still technically considered bestiality

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iktlvl/screwing_a_cat_girl_is_still_technically/ (Aforklift)
%
You always find the thing you’re looking for in the last place you look

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikt3qz/you_always_find_the_thing_youre_looking_for_in/ (woopstrafel)
%
PC lights are RGB but inkjet printers use Cyan, Yellow, and Pink

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikrntp/pc_lights_are_rgb_but_inkjet_printers_use_cyan/ (ForensicPaints)
%
Saturdays are for the boys

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikrlpz/saturdays_are_for_the_boys/ (Dumbass_Noob)
%
Loving someone for their personality is superficial because you're falling in love with them for their brain

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikrlc8/loving_someone_for_their_personality_is/ (lost_packet_)
%
Freshly baked bread scented room freshener would probably be really popular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikr6lz/freshly_baked_bread_scented_room_freshener_would/ (delly4)
%
The ocean is a giant bowl of gazpacho

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikq5hs/the_ocean_is_a_giant_bowl_of_gazpacho/ (Fatdonut445)
%
Math is one of the few things where the more you learn, the more you hate it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikpjt6/math_is_one_of_the_few_things_where_the_more_you/ (HopOnDaAlt)
%
“Drive Predictably” is better advice than “Drive Safely”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikoxjq/drive_predictably_is_better_advice_than_drive/ (BriggerGuy)
%
There are probably a lot of dinosaurs that didn’t exist because we mixed up their bones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikodi0/there_are_probably_a_lot_of_dinosaurs_that_didnt/ (Monkeyojacko)
%
Our entire perception of the Solar System, Milky Way, and mabey the Universe, come from the fact we view north as "UP".

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikmue2/our_entire_perception_of_the_solar_system_milky/ (ScruffyMonk)
%
If lawyers were allowed to cry in court we would have drastically different outcomes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikmrh8/if_lawyers_were_allowed_to_cry_in_court_we_would/ (zombiere4)
%
the things people made are made by nature because we are made by nature and we make stuff from the nature so everything people-made is twice as organic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikmaer/the_things_people_made_are_made_by_nature_because/ (Pasty_Foxy)
%
We're probably closer to being millionaire than Jeff Bezos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklspo/were_probably_closer_to_being_millionaire_than/ (sahilian)
%
People want to stop school shootings, but aren't allowed to watch the columbine tapes, which clearly show how to stop shootings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklral/people_want_to_stop_school_shootings_but_arent/ (littlebuster22)
%
The statement “All rules have exceptions” has no exceptions, making it an exception, making the statement true.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklopy/the_statement_all_rules_have_exceptions_has_no/ (LetMeSnow26)
%
Relax your face completely and keep your eyes wide open. That's what you'll look like when you're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklhum/relax_your_face_completely_and_keep_your_eyes/ (RenWillamette)
%
"Your phone light is on" is the new "your shoelaces are untied"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklhnl/your_phone_light_is_on_is_the_new_your_shoelaces/ (rockstarfruitpunch)
%
Evryone who is sharing their thoughts here never had the thoughts while taking a shower

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikki12/evryone_who_is_sharing_their_thoughts_here_never/ (AdityaBhattacharya)
%
Santa is proto Satan, that's why he gives bad kids coal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk3vh/santa_is_proto_satan_thats_why_he_gives_bad_kids/ (littlebuster22)
%
You can have both a cock and a pussy despite your gender, if you choose to adopt both of these lovely animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk2qo/you_can_have_both_a_cock_and_a_pussy_despite_your/ (cock_pussy)
%
Santa Claus is going to have a bad day when all the ice is going to melt at the North Pole. It is going to get even worse when kids will connect the dots and start asking questions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk2bi/santa_claus_is_going_to_have_a_bad_day_when_all/ (jhszgrgk)
%
People who have a fetish for Satan are probably going to hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk235/people_who_have_a_fetish_for_satan_are_probably/ (HighOn2weed)
%
Every truck is a food truck if you are a cannibal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk0v0/every_truck_is_a_food_truck_if_you_are_a_cannibal/ (childintime9)
%
Before the internet, 'not replying because you are losing an argument' option was not available

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk0d4/before_the_internet_not_replying_because_you_are/ (Clonestaar)
%
The average adult probably has a body count of at least one (directly or indirectly) just by spreading the common cold to vulnerable populations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk07t/the_average_adult_probably_has_a_body_count_of_at/ (yourshadowtwin)
%
You know you're an adult when kneeling down hurts like a motherfucker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjyvz/you_know_youre_an_adult_when_kneeling_down_hurts/ (littlebuster22)
%
While, bodybuilding competitions are the masculine form of beauty pageants, the fact that they lack a talent portion is kind of sad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjyun/while_bodybuilding_competitions_are_the_masculine/ (memeasaurus)
%
Once children learn to walk they never want to crawl again

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjy66/once_children_learn_to_walk_they_never_want_to/ (StrangeDerpBoiFerret)
%
Other than onions, all vegetables can make you cry, provided they were thrown hard enough to hit you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjwzx/other_than_onions_all_vegetables_can_make_you_cry/ (cock_pussy)
%
Scientists are adult kids just stuck in the "Why" phase.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjvdn/scientists_are_adult_kids_just_stuck_in_the_why/ (King_CurlySpoon)
%
As we move towards a cashless society the tooth fairy will go extinct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjuub/as_we_move_towards_a_cashless_society_the_tooth/ (blah1310)
%
Horse meat is part of a stable diet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjtht/horse_meat_is_part_of_a_stable_diet/ (littlebuster22)
%
Aren't jojo fights just competitions to see who's personality is better

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjr2e/arent_jojo_fights_just_competitions_to_see_whos/ (The_Scrapper_)
%
Thanks to slot machines, virtual fruits are worth more than real ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjqng/thanks_to_slot_machines_virtual_fruits_are_worth/ (littlebuster22)
%
If teenagers smoke they are considered cool but if adults smoke they are considered unhealthy and broke af

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjqb8/if_teenagers_smoke_they_are_considered_cool_but/ (micho_911)
%
Randomly hearing your favourite song on the radio is more satisfying than playing it directly from your phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjpvd/randomly_hearing_your_favourite_song_on_the_radio/ (King_CurlySpoon)
%
If it's raining aren't we under water

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjpqr/if_its_raining_arent_we_under_water/ (Urmum69me)
%
Bad language describes good and natural things

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjn7c/bad_language_describes_good_and_natural_things/ (PartTimeSassyPants)
%
Anybody could write an autobiography, and even if they weren't famous, it still could be interesting

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjlnj/anybody_could_write_an_autobiography_and_even_if/ (Writers_On_The_Storm)
%
Unless your a famous person, you probably know the person(s) who has masterbated while thinking of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjk3a/unless_your_a_famous_person_you_probably_know_the/ (dazzcarlos)
%
Papercuts are reverse splinters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjilr/papercuts_are_reverse_splinters/ (littlebuster22)
%
The unfairness of the game monopoly says a lot about how our society runs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikji9c/the_unfairness_of_the_game_monopoly_says_a_lot/ (ForeignOpp2)
%
It's intriguing that when we are truly happy, we cry and when truly sad, no tears come out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjhll/its_intriguing_that_when_we_are_truly_happy_we/ (jopndog)
%
You probably pay more attention to your own decorations than you do to other people’s

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjfrs/you_probably_pay_more_attention_to_your_own/ (gobblegobble314)
%
Someone has probably thought of a revolutionary or world changing invention but brushed it off because they thought it was impossible or a silly idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjfgw/someone_has_probably_thought_of_a_revolutionary/ (MasterofLaws)
%
Glen Miller went missing in the 40s and his reappearance would still be less shocking than Tupac, who we know is dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjfc9/glen_miller_went_missing_in_the_40s_and_his/ (ijjanas123)
%
Some people just consistently and pridefully prefer to be on the wrong side of history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjfah/some_people_just_consistently_and_pridefully/ (Imsosadsoveryverysad)
%
Not having friends is seen as bad, but independence is seen as strength.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikje6m/not_having_friends_is_seen_as_bad_but/ (littlebuster22)
%
Despite having a traumatic childhood and abusive parents, Heinz Doofenshmirtz grew to be a wonderful dad to Vanessa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjdmz/despite_having_a_traumatic_childhood_and_abusive/ (isometimesbreathe)
%
The antonym for misogyny (the hatred/prejudice towards women) could either be misandry (hatred of men) or philogyny (love of women). And vice versa of course.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjbkk/the_antonym_for_misogyny_the_hatredprejudice/ (h8cheyejaykayelemeno)
%
We call it dry wine, even though it is wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjajb/we_call_it_dry_wine_even_though_it_is_wet/ (Cianonavaro)
%
A sign of getting older is that everyone you meet reminds you of someone you've met

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj9hm/a_sign_of_getting_older_is_that_everyone_you_meet/ (smedsterwho)
%
Considering the human brain maintains way more than just the conscious mind, our brains are objectively smarter than ourselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj7kb/considering_the_human_brain_maintains_way_more/ (sinabey)
%
Toddlers find it perfectly normal to be surrounded by giants that pick them up and carry them around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj7fv/toddlers_find_it_perfectly_normal_to_be/ (Venokris)
%
Pineapples are always depicted growing in trees.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj75p/pineapples_are_always_depicted_growing_in_trees/ (littlebuster22)
%
People tend to stare at the radio when they hear something they want to really listen to

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj6f3/people_tend_to_stare_at_the_radio_when_they_hear/ (salladfingers)
%
You know you're getting old when people stop joking about you getting old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj495/you_know_youre_getting_old_when_people_stop/ ([deleted])
%
Most people will go their entire life without microwaving something using the 4th digit on the timer

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj3vj/most_people_will_go_their_entire_life_without/ (-DCPT-)
%
Dogs were probably selected to be domesticated from wolves partly by if they brought sticks to us for fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj3n2/dogs_were_probably_selected_to_be_domesticated/ (whitecollargunrunner)
%
Ben Bocquelet forgot that gray elephant again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj3bk/ben_bocquelet_forgot_that_gray_elephant_again/ (dfus7473)
%
Traffic jams look like chaos in slow motion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj10k/traffic_jams_look_like_chaos_in_slow_motion/ (AsianParmAsian)
%
Deaf people aren’t afraid of ghosts

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj0op/deaf_people_arent_afraid_of_ghosts/ (ggxmembersonly)
%
Women.com is a blog site but Men.com is a porn site.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikizi9/womencom_is_a_blog_site_but_mencom_is_a_porn_site/ (Starchy_the_Potato)
%
You did something weird in someone else’s dream but they probably don’t remember.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiz4i/you_did_something_weird_in_someone_elses_dream/ (Hopper__)
%
If there was a tone of voice choice for all texts, posts, and comments, we would have a healthier society where people don’t instantly assume someone is being a jerk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiy2s/if_there_was_a_tone_of_voice_choice_for_all_texts/ (TB12PAT)
%
Someone named arty has probably choked on an artichoke at some point in history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikix2a/someone_named_arty_has_probably_choked_on_an/ (littlebuster22)
%
π becomes edible when it is multiplied by Euler's Number(e).

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikivzm/π_becomes_edible_when_it_is_multiplied_by_eulers/ (Variety_Creepy_1303)
%
The older you get, the prospect of your sexual fantasy with a mature partner decreases to a point of absolute nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikivi7/the_older_you_get_the_prospect_of_your_sexual/ (Hingehead)
%
Demolitions using explosives, if done right, are technically an implosion

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikivgk/demolitions_using_explosives_if_done_right_are/ (harryputtar)
%
The animals we eat could potentially be getting us ready for a carnivorous predator to eat us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiuwz/the_animals_we_eat_could_potentially_be_getting/ (ELITEBLITZzz)
%
The world isn't getting more corrupt. We're all just getting old enough to understand it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikitbh/the_world_isnt_getting_more_corrupt_were_all_just/ (Zedfourkay)
%
One of the quickest things you need to figure out is how long your headphone wire is

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikit46/one_of_the_quickest_things_you_need_to_figure_out/ (butterflywolves)
%
Streetlamps in video games use electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikisiq/streetlamps_in_video_games_use_electricity/ (MEMES4DAYZZ321)
%
We could have more than 24 hours in the day if we just make each hour shorter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikis3j/we_could_have_more_than_24_hours_in_the_day_if_we/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
%
People with pee fetishes probably get deliberately stung by jellyfish so they can be peed on

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikis0f/people_with_pee_fetishes_probably_get/ (elongated_scream)
%
In the future going through your grand parents social media will be normal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikipkw/in_the_future_going_through_your_grand_parents/ (awan1919)
%
A camera is a natural counter to most of the defense mechanisms of wild and exotic animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikinbk/a_camera_is_a_natural_counter_to_most_of_the/ (rukuto)
%
tessellating 2d patterns are easy to observe, yet hard to explain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikim1e/tessellating_2d_patterns_are_easy_to_observe_yet/ (ivthreadp110)
%
The word fuck sounds the same no matter whether 75% or 100% is said.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikilze/the_word_fuck_sounds_the_same_no_matter_whether/ (kachowski2004)
%
Hogwarts is the only school that make you join the army after you pay for tuition

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikilcv/hogwarts_is_the_only_school_that_make_you_join/ (OpiumForTea)
%
Famous animals online don't even know they're famous

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikikvt/famous_animals_online_dont_even_know_theyre_famous/ (UrClient)
%
The biggest mystery known to mankind is the face of the lady in Tom and Jerry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikikc6/the_biggest_mystery_known_to_mankind_is_the_face/ (BitchyOlive)
%
If the universe was a small enough torus, people could touch themselves from any angle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikij1l/if_the_universe_was_a_small_enough_torus_people/ (foobarbecue)
%
The better the lingerie, the faster your partner will want to remove it from you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiinq/the_better_the_lingerie_the_faster_your_partner/ (J1Wick)
%
Car brakes in our dreams are always calibrated to Nightmare Mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikihzt/car_brakes_in_our_dreams_are_always_calibrated_to/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
%
There's a slight chance when we wake up with a morning wood that Succubus was having the deed with us

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikihm9/theres_a_slight_chance_when_we_wake_up_with_a/ (Not_obnoxious)
%
You have won a swimming race when you were still a sperm cell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikigpe/you_have_won_a_swimming_race_when_you_were_still/ (PaintPixelArt)
%
Drinking too much is nature's way of telling you that you're drinking too much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikig0h/drinking_too_much_is_natures_way_of_telling_you/ (rubbernipple)
%
Street lamps in videogames use real electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikifw3/street_lamps_in_videogames_use_real_electricity/ (Atomicsredditaccount)
%
Cannibals probably watch people swimming in the ocean wondering how much flavour the saltwater adds

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikifm4/cannibals_probably_watch_people_swimming_in_the/ (dronefishing)
%
Adults believing that kids will grow up to fix their problems has got to be one of the biggest scams in history

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiey2/adults_believing_that_kids_will_grow_up_to_fix/ (vekexcelovich1984)
%
Birthing a child that looks exactly like you solves the problem of wishing you could see how other people saw you through your eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikietd/birthing_a_child_that_looks_exactly_like_you/ (Royal_penis_)
%
We don't remember our babyhood becuase it's a cutscene and our player skips it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikidiz/we_dont_remember_our_babyhood_becuase_its_a/ (markwastakenaswell)
%
You can criticise any establishment but you can rarely change it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiddz/you_can_criticise_any_establishment_but_you_can/ (lightly_salted_fetus)
%
Marge Simpson is probably really bad at limbo contests

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikicqj/marge_simpson_is_probably_really_bad_at_limbo/ (_DragonBlade_)
%
If only parents would humble their pride and realize that their kids have big faiith. It’s okay to look at your kids to learn more than you think you know. Parents need to jump off the bridge and take more risks than they do. You are never too old to go after big things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki9mx/if_only_parents_would_humble_their_pride_and/ (8Romans)
%
If cameras were invented thousands of years ago we could watch some Roman unbox some armor and shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki6jy/if_cameras_were_invented_thousands_of_years_ago/ (N1664TR0N3000)
%
Street lamps in video games use real electricity

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki62u/street_lamps_in_video_games_use_real_electricity/ (TotallyNotGameWorthy)
%
Human 3D printing already exists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki4je/human_3d_printing_already_exists/ (zuwiboiii)
%
The opposite of “ice cold” is “gas hot.”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki15y/the_opposite_of_ice_cold_is_gas_hot/ (Vast-Intention)
%
we know the speed of light but not the speed of dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki0tt/we_know_the_speed_of_light_but_not_the_speed_of/ (Nessie_RT)
%
Silence is easier done than said

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki0sp/silence_is_easier_done_than_said/ (dazib)
%
If you get a tattoo on your ass saying "F", whenever your partner will spank it, they will be paying respect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki0d8/if_you_get_a_tattoo_on_your_ass_saying_f_whenever/ (p0rnflakezzz)
%
Doubled sided pencils are more efficient since you can switch between the two

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhs29/doubled_sided_pencils_are_more_efficient_since/ (Reality346)
%
When two of your friends meet from different circles it's like a cross over episode

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhrg2/when_two_of_your_friends_meet_from_different/ (foejlood)
%
We probably feature a lot in our pets dreams

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhqrm/we_probably_feature_a_lot_in_our_pets_dreams/ (Watchmecarry13)
%
Microwaves and dryers sound the exact same when you'll think of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhqnr/microwaves_and_dryers_sound_the_exact_same_when/ (Jacob_crozier)
%
Everyone drinks, but not everyone drinks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhpck/everyone_drinks_but_not_everyone_drinks/ (Vijhun)
%
In terms of strategies, you can defeat the smartest person if you use silly strategies because they tend to overestimate their opponents

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhkp9/in_terms_of_strategies_you_can_defeat_the/ (afilipinoweeb)
%
YLYL channels still think are humour is people falling over,but no, if a guy said "Burger King foot lettuce" 20 people would laugh

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhkfw/ylyl_channels_still_think_are_humour_is_people/ (Hapstipo)
%
When regular people have late breakfasts with alcohol we consider them bums. When rich people do it, it's a brunch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhk2v/when_regular_people_have_late_breakfasts_with/ (Priamosish)
%
We're lucky we don't have more naturally exposed bones on our body considering how much attention and upkeep teeth require.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhjdo/were_lucky_we_dont_have_more_naturally_exposed/ (Xander_Cloud)
%
If Jeff Bezos would go to a bank and walk away with 200B in one dollar bills and lay all those bills next to each other, he would make it to the moon and back, 40 times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhi5v/if_jeff_bezos_would_go_to_a_bank_and_walk_away/ (Casartelli)
%
Wizards never had any societal advancement because they ostracised anyone ambitious and taught them to be evil.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhhpu/wizards_never_had_any_societal_advancement/ (NerdforceHeroes)
%
Actors judge other actors on their tear ability.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhhm1/actors_judge_other_actors_on_their_tear_ability/ (hoffnutsisdope)
%
Pitbulls are only viewed dangerous, because their owners want dangerous dogs and inevitably raised them to be dangerous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhddn/pitbulls_are_only_viewed_dangerous_because_their/ (GHQSTLY)
%
Truth taste bitter when humans chews that's why humans abhor it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhchm/truth_taste_bitter_when_humans_chews_thats_why/ (immoleight__me)
%
You don't unlock achieves in real life as in videogames but in both you feel rewarded alike

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhc4p/you_dont_unlock_achieves_in_real_life_as_in/ (Spaceordinario)
%
A leg amputee wears a pant

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikha7j/a_leg_amputee_wears_a_pant/ (ihavethebestmarriage)
%
Teeth are the only organs that are given a second chance if they fuck up

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh8xr/teeth_are_the_only_organs_that_are_given_a_second/ (butterymix)
%
If every forum user tells you to google it, soon there will be no solutions to find on Google.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh6l2/if_every_forum_user_tells_you_to_google_it_soon/ (nickynoone)
%
Coca Cola is older than 2 world wars

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh2oz/coca_cola_is_older_than_2_world_wars/ (Sethleoric)
%
You shouldn't be posting your own comments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh28q/you_shouldnt_be_posting_your_own_comments/ (Jacob_crozier)
%
We like to eat chili mostly because of there defense mechanism not to be eaten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh0p9/we_like_to_eat_chili_mostly_because_of_there/ (Jellyhead0311)
%
Dogs in Japan know more Japanese than me.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgz00/dogs_in_japan_know_more_japanese_than_me/ (Chompyzzgone)
%
Depression feels like being the cheese touch from Diary of a Wimpy Kid

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgw5g/depression_feels_like_being_the_cheese_touch_from/ (TreehouseDown)
%
Calling a painting realistic is a compliment, saying a picture looks like a painting is also a compliment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgv4f/calling_a_painting_realistic_is_a_compliment/ (harshamfk)
%
It’s kinda selfish of your brain to make your body’s natural instinct to protect the head

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgrjh/its_kinda_selfish_of_your_brain_to_make_your/ (LDPanter)
%
"Be true to yourself" can't be good advice for everyone ... certainly not if the person is a serial killer

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgq2q/be_true_to_yourself_cant_be_good_advice_for/ (dvc214)
%
You can't really discribe colors

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgp1h/you_cant_really_discribe_colors/ (jimavramas)
%
The opposite of assassin is dickdickout.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgngd/the_opposite_of_assassin_is_dickdickout/ (harshamfk)
%
Lights on video games use actual electricity to operate

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgmg8/lights_on_video_games_use_actual_electricity_to/ ([deleted])
%
Meteors could just be space trash. That's why they're rich in minerals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgjhu/meteors_could_just_be_space_trash_thats_why/ (zazzizaz)
%
People technically sell canned botulism

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgih4/people_technically_sell_canned_botulism/ (MarxismMan69)
%
If a “double-edged sword” is something that has a good side and a bad side, then a single-edged sword is a double-edged sword

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgeqr/if_a_doubleedged_sword_is_something_that_has_a/ (kimya_d)
%
When someone else’s ringtone is your alarm, it’s much easier to dismiss it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgef4/when_someone_elses_ringtone_is_your_alarm_its/ (PhillyNow)
%
Nowadays it would probably be worth it for an animal to evolve to be cuter so humans keep them alive and help them procreate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgdq2/nowadays_it_would_probably_be_worth_it_for_an/ (Sky-is-here)
%
Any square shaped food will look like the map of Spain at one point while you eat it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgdka/any_square_shaped_food_will_look_like_the_map_of/ (BastianSH91)
%
We don't like animals without furr, but we humans don't have any furr.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgclm/we_dont_like_animals_without_furr_but_we_humans/ (_Lemon_Head)
%
There are no civil right violations if your citizens don't even have rights at start.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgc0i/there_are_no_civil_right_violations_if_your/ (cock_pussy)
%
Anyone could be an accident and just have their parents lying to spare their feelings

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg8v9/anyone_could_be_an_accident_and_just_have_their/ (IMMA_HAMMER)
%
No one ever visited the Health Safety website for the Wii, we always just skipped the warning

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg8b9/no_one_ever_visited_the_health_safety_website_for/ (ShayaThePusheen)
%
Watching your parents have sex is literally watching a tutorial video for your own creation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg80j/watching_your_parents_have_sex_is_literally/ (cock_pussy)
%
Egg salad is still technically chicken salad

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg7yg/egg_salad_is_still_technically_chicken_salad/ (Tubamaster21474)
%
It'd be cool if some button or something was invented where if you see a car where someone had left their headlights on, you could turn them off for them so they don't come back to a drained car battery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg38h/itd_be_cool_if_some_button_or_something_was/ (urbanphil0s0phy)
%
Sometimes bridges burn all on their own

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg2cm/sometimes_bridges_burn_all_on_their_own/ (solothehero)
%
If all famous people are really smart lizard men then the story ofTrump must be an underdog story considering how buttfucking dumb he is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg20d/if_all_famous_people_are_really_smart_lizard_men/ (Aserthreto)
%
Explosions can be measured in megatons, but you never hear about something having “gigagrams worth of explosive power,” the imperial system has explosions monopolized.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg1z9/explosions_can_be_measured_in_megatons_but_you/ ([deleted])
%
Vampires probably don't exist anymore because they have all died of STDs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg1ju/vampires_probably_dont_exist_anymore_because_they/ (brittavondibuurt)
%
Instead of nuke threats, Kim Jong Un can actually threaten everyone by sending his nudes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg021/instead_of_nuke_threats_kim_jong_un_can_actually/ (cock_pussy)
%
People who despise psychics/fortune-tellers and their shit but obsessed with Zodiac signs are hypocrites

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfwf6/people_who_despise_psychicsfortunetellers_and/ (rikicuriousity)
%
Tongues feel regular in your own mouth but weird in somebody else’s mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfvwq/tongues_feel_regular_in_your_own_mouth_but_weird/ (Leizy_)
%
One of the biggest parts of being born with type O blood is that you're never prepared for the wrath of mosquito bites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikftyr/one_of_the_biggest_parts_of_being_born_with_type/ ([deleted])
%
Thumbs up is the universal sign for everything's good but could've very easily been the sign for up your butt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikftdo/thumbs_up_is_the_universal_sign_for_everythings/ (Danyboi16)
%
Recent award frenzy is a good representation of how inflation works in real life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfpsc/recent_award_frenzy_is_a_good_representation_of/ (kiraxi)
%
If you have google classroom on your phone and take it to school, you have a classroom in a phone in a classroom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfonc/if_you_have_google_classroom_on_your_phone_and/ (Sydrailer)
%
Flat earthers think the Earth is flat though, apparently, they haven't given consideration to the other planets

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfoh3/flat_earthers_think_the_earth_is_flat_though/ (rikicuriousity)
%
Pretty soon we’ll be asking, “What would AI do?”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfnay/pretty_soon_well_be_asking_what_would_ai_do/ (david9696)
%
Someone who kills serial killers is a serial killer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ike602/someone_who_kills_serial_killers_is_a_serial/ (PierceJames)
%
Babies who are born with disabilities due to genetical problem found on their biological parents can be technically considered as a manufacturer's default.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ike2h0/babies_who_are_born_with_disabilities_due_to/ (zzuhruf)
%
If pronouns didn’t exist, conversations would actually be interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikcegf/if_pronouns_didnt_exist_conversations_would/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Depressed people just need emo therapy...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikc77c/depressed_people_just_need_emo_therapy/ (mshet)
%
The litmus test for wether your an adult is wether you think adults know wtf they’re doing and have their s**t together or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikbedk/the_litmus_test_for_wether_your_an_adult_is/ (aallen1993)
%
You're not the resistance if the media is on your side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikawqk/youre_not_the_resistance_if_the_media_is_on_your/ (hopethisworksforeals)
%
The more hair a sweater collects the warmer it will keep you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikac9m/the_more_hair_a_sweater_collects_the_warmer_it/ (iamjason10)
%
the worlds best selling book started a whole relgion

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ika6bb/the_worlds_best_selling_book_started_a_whole/ (mullet-man152)
%
Laughter is a truly universal language.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ika3s3/laughter_is_a_truly_universal_language/ (VintageLilly317)
%
In Cars movie universe the mechanical field and medicine field are the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik9xyj/in_cars_movie_universe_the_mechanical_field_and/ (neo94geo)
%
Our scorch the earth cleaning mentality might cause the super bacteria which will wipe out humanity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik8iyl/our_scorch_the_earth_cleaning_mentality_might/ (OceanSupernova)
%
There are most certainly birds that try to land on clouds and fail

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik83rj/there_are_most_certainly_birds_that_try_to_land/ (sonicoduh1125)
%
If weeds were edible and delicious everyone would have a nice lawn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik7lvi/if_weeds_were_edible_and_delicious_everyone_would/ (ReelDeadOne)
%
When you’re swimming breaststroke while being watched, you’re basically playing peekaboo

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik6s2m/when_youre_swimming_breaststroke_while_being/ (AztecClient)
%
If farts wouldn't be invisible, less people would fart in public because everyone would know it was them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik541c/if_farts_wouldnt_be_invisible_less_people_would/ (Backfisch1)
%
Birds bend weird all flip flap flap

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik4zvc/birds_bend_weird_all_flip_flap_flap/ (Darth__Vader_)
%
If a duck swims faster than a fish, then a duck is more of a fish than a fish

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik4lpd/if_a_duck_swims_faster_than_a_fish_then_a_duck_is/ (broe17)
%
You don’t need a parachute to skydive; you only need one if you want to skydive twice

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik368j/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_skydive_you_only/ (nsfwnsfwmail)
%
Lightbulbs were such a good idea that they became the symbol of good ideas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik22yo/lightbulbs_were_such_a_good_idea_that_they_became/ (xenox9162)
%
That 2021 is going to be better is simply an assumption.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik0alp/that_2021_is_going_to_be_better_is_simply_an/ (vagabond61)
%
Hot coffee: delicious. Iced coffee: delectable. Lukewarm coffee: disgusting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijz2a0/hot_coffee_delicious_iced_coffee_delectable/ (Mangacomleite)
%
if everything is weightless in space, theoretically you could lift anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijx270/if_everything_is_weightless_in_space/ (epic-child-man)
%
It’s interesting that there’s no stigma against having your keys showing in a photo, even though nearly any photo of a key can be used to make a fully functional copy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijtpf9/its_interesting_that_theres_no_stigma_against/ (adinrichter)
%
Volcanoes are made from volcanoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijtcm2/volcanoes_are_made_from_volcanoes/ (BeaconOnAChairMC)
%
You can literally just jump on someone’s back tomorrow, u could b explode!!!!!!....

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijst6j/you_can_literally_just_jump_on_someones_back/ (Fredericosuavay)
%
If nobody ever told you how old you are, you wouldn't know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijsc2y/if_nobody_ever_told_you_how_old_you_are_you/ (captain_hac0b)
%
The characters in movies live in a world where their movie doesn't exist and that sucks for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijrsj4/the_characters_in_movies_live_in_a_world_where/ (Killision)
%
Jokes are funny if we understand it after it is told. But it became less funny if you get it from someone explaining it to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijrejo/jokes_are_funny_if_we_understand_it_after_it_is/ (fluffyboiV2)
%
We'll block out our phone number in a pic on the Internet, but we'll put a for sale sign with our phone number in a car window and drive around town for all to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijpesg/well_block_out_our_phone_number_in_a_pic_on_the/ (michaelcmetal)
%
People with pens wrote "The pen is mightier than the sword"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijp089/people_with_pens_wrote_the_pen_is_mightier_than/ (Lamp_Sauce)
%
There is no one that has not felt pleasure or pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijjfcd/there_is_no_one_that_has_not_felt_pleasure_or_pain/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Putting a restaurant in a library sounds insane but there are Starbucks in Barnes and Noble and no one finds that weird

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijhx84/putting_a_restaurant_in_a_library_sounds_insane/ (StormOfTheVoid)
%
Surgery is stabbing people to life

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijhsgr/surgery_is_stabbing_people_to_life/ (ris04)
%
People mustn’t have to clean the machines on a bleach factories production line.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijhm5i/people_mustnt_have_to_clean_the_machines_on_a/ (Van-Mckan)
%
Grass is the hair of the earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijgv7u/grass_is_the_hair_of_the_earth/ (ThePeterpot)
%
real life is ten times tougher than any action movie

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijf4ap/real_life_is_ten_times_tougher_than_any_action/ (zakuria44)
%
If you were born feet first you wore your mother as a hat for a bit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijezi5/if_you_were_born_feet_first_you_wore_your_mother/ (Lego_Greivous)
%
Yawns are a form of peer pressure

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijetg1/yawns_are_a_form_of_peer_pressure/ (Wontonio_the_ninja)
%
Sweden is doing just fine.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijczv7/sweden_is_doing_just_fine/ (illegalburnpile)
%
Japan must have a real problem with their population with how so many peeps get isekai-ed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijczti/japan_must_have_a_real_problem_with_their/ (Yogington)
%
All fathers that have had sex after having children are motherfuckers - before they're just fuckers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijcy14/all_fathers_that_have_had_sex_after_having/ (ExplosivePusheen)
%
Amazon was originally the Sears Catalog

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijcxkr/amazon_was_originally_the_sears_catalog/ (CurlyDee)
%
Someday your bedroom is going to belong to someone else and no trace of you will be there.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijct45/someday_your_bedroom_is_going_to_belong_to/ (cyclopropagative)
%
Park is cruise control for 0mph

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij93zg/park_is_cruise_control_for_0mph/ (TheFallenMessiah)
%
When you’re a twin, there’s people that know more about you than you actually know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij8u7a/when_youre_a_twin_theres_people_that_know_more/ (TrailRunn3r47)
%
Wasps are always angry and would never get invited to bug birthday parties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij4kv5/wasps_are_always_angry_and_would_never_get/ (justneedthreefifty)
%
Chadwick Boseman's Make-a-Wish wish was to fulfill Make-a-Wish wishes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij3w93/chadwick_bosemans_makeawish_wish_was_to_fulfill/ (SuperEnthusiastic)
%
Taste buds have no taste themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij1t94/taste_buds_have_no_taste_themselves/ (DrCocomo)
%
We don't only judge people by their looks, we also judge bugs by their looks. Most people are cool with butterflies solely because they are pretty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij0nk9/we_dont_only_judge_people_by_their_looks_we_also/ (kdoughboy12)
%
If people lived in trees, after a while, we would evolve and grow wings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij0bqm/if_people_lived_in_trees_after_a_while_we_would/ (CentrePeace)
%
An undertaker who deals with death is ironically a job for life

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iizwme/an_undertaker_who_deals_with_death_is_ironically/ (Exxtraa)
%
Venus flytrap is a perfect example on how a plant can commit a murder

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iixzay/venus_flytrap_is_a_perfect_example_on_how_a_plant/ (achilles-_-23)
%
3 Things that no longer exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iity99/3_things_that_no_longer_exist/ (gregbradypookashells)
%
Grief travels faster than sound but slower than light.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iitrc9/grief_travels_faster_than_sound_but_slower_than/ (Philosophile42)
%
We haven't even scratched the surface of the amount of mysteries there are

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iisz9c/we_havent_even_scratched_the_surface_of_the/ (NightSiege1)
%
Disclosing classified material after saying you can tell them but then you will have to kill them results in 2 crimes, not 0 crimes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iimpop/disclosing_classified_material_after_saying_you/ (buckeyespud)
%
The only way to survive a lot of things is to not be near them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iimb8s/the_only_way_to_survive_a_lot_of_things_is_to_not/ (Barren_Jenton)
%
If you water water, it actually grows

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iima5f/if_you_water_water_it_actually_grows/ (hvanos)
%
Society is sometimes often mostly gay and we rarely notice it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iild4i/society_is_sometimes_often_mostly_gay_and_we/ (afilipinoweeb)
%
Every Day, Someone Is Living The Happiest Day of Their Life

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iiicvo/every_day_someone_is_living_the_happiest_day_of/ (Niltelco)
%
All open world games are essentially Truman shows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iihp4f/all_open_world_games_are_essentially_truman_shows/ (ArcadianAries)
%
Tyrannosaurus Rex was not a man eater

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iihfi9/tyrannosaurus_rex_was_not_a_man_eater/ (culingerai)
%
The ‘moonwalk’ is the exact opposite of how people walk on the moon

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iigjm1/the_moonwalk_is_the_exact_opposite_of_how_people/ (TheFlame150)
%
There are probably kids who take Flintstones vitamins and have no idea that it was a tv show

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iiep07/there_are_probably_kids_who_take_flintstones/ (The-Hut)
%
We have never heard any of the 19th century classical hits being performed by the actual artists. We only know covers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iieijp/we_have_never_heard_any_of_the_19th_century/ (fulminic)
%
Knoppers tastes different depending on which site’s on top

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iicx9x/knoppers_tastes_different_depending_on_which/ (Pixaa)
%
Tim Bergling (aka:Avicii) was the dankest man ever!

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iicgcn/tim_bergling_akaavicii_was_the_dankest_man_ever/ (CreativSync)
%
Walmart Radio DJs are probably one of the most listened to DJs that nobody really knows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iicc3d/walmart_radio_djs_are_probably_one_of_the_most/ (M4DM1ND)
%
One day, the only thing preventing Taxi's from being forgotten will be FakeTaxi.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iibr6g/one_day_the_only_thing_preventing_taxis_from/ (TlCTACS)
%
Taking candy from a baby is not an easy task.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iibchd/taking_candy_from_a_baby_is_not_an_easy_task/ (three_757)
%
A good boss doesn't make their employees hate going into work every day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iiaz2f/a_good_boss_doesnt_make_their_employees_hate/ (Crash-Bash)
%
Beach photos always seem to look best with the tide in

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iiauze/beach_photos_always_seem_to_look_best_with_the/ (sonickien)
%
We all kicked a pregnant woman once

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iia7vs/we_all_kicked_a_pregnant_woman_once/ (laura6664)
%
NASA will eventually require some astronauts to have sex in space... for research

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii838j/nasa_will_eventually_require_some_astronauts_to/ (radargunbullets)
%
Cashews are the shrimp of nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii6rpr/cashews_are_the_shrimp_of_nuts/ (odoms365)
%
As you age, the newer version of yourself is also the older version of yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii48p6/as_you_age_the_newer_version_of_yourself_is_also/ (America_Is_Bad2004)
%
People who build weapons have a K/D ratio greater than 1

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii26ly/people_who_build_weapons_have_a_kd_ratio_greater/ (DisapprovingCGull)
%
History classes will have more and increasingly harder lessons thousands of years into the future

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii1qxu/history_classes_will_have_more_and_increasingly/ (Bag_of_plastic)
%
We have all the social media in the world yet the last thing it has become is social.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii1lon/we_have_all_the_social_media_in_the_world_yet_the/ (deathtoallpizzas)
%
If you gave a man a box and told him there was treasure in the box but if he opened it everyone else on earth would die the same day he'd proably still open it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii0ba8/if_you_gave_a_man_a_box_and_told_him_there_was/ (Drelanc)
%
You could be immortal and you wouldn’t know it until you seen everyone you know and love die while you keep getting older and older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii08aw/you_could_be_immortal_and_you_wouldnt_know_it/ (the_sexy_donut)
%
Somewhere along the way, they convinced us that the tissue soft enough for our noses and the tissue soft enough for our butts had to be different.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii00ey/somewhere_along_the_way_they_convinced_us_that/ (meshtron)
%
It is impossible for Medusa to win a staring contest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihzkog/it_is_impossible_for_medusa_to_win_a_staring/ (ihate-Everythingx)
%
People get offended by things that other people do. when those things don't even affect them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihzb45/people_get_offended_by_things_that_other_people/ (Spaceordinario)
%
Hyenas laugh because they’re all in on an inside joke we have no idea about

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihxhwr/hyenas_laugh_because_theyre_all_in_on_an_inside/ (Applescause27)
%
Spiders are The only web developers in the world that enjoy finding bugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihwp7z/spiders_are_the_only_web_developers_in_the_world/ (din-dun)
%
Somewhere in the history of the English language, someone was perfectly fine with switching the number "0" with the letter "O" when saying numbers out loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihw9th/somewhere_in_the_history_of_the_english_language/ (Hingehead)
%
Scooby-Doo is practically the only cartoon that's globally renowned and enjoyed despite having a laugh track

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihv8lk/scoobydoo_is_practically_the_only_cartoon_thats/ (Lochcelious)
%
Your biggest bully and enemy is the voice in your head

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihurat/your_biggest_bully_and_enemy_is_the_voice_in_your/ (WhitePegasuss)
%
The problem with being single is that everyone thinks you don't wanna be single.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihti1s/the_problem_with_being_single_is_that_everyone/ (hillenium)
%
You could argue that all of our problems are third world problems, as earth is the third planet from the sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihrp1s/you_could_argue_that_all_of_our_problems_are/ (DaPearOfDoom)
%
Insurance is something you want to have but something you never want to use

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihrdfu/insurance_is_something_you_want_to_have_but/ (SaucyQuesadilla)
%
Hermione Granger was likely a curly girl but just didn't know it and kept brushing her hair dry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihprmx/hermione_granger_was_likely_a_curly_girl_but_just/ (purplecurtain16)
%
If a snake starts eating itself, it's stomach will be inside it's stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihpb2l/if_a_snake_starts_eating_itself_its_stomach_will/ (sahilian)
%
You are not straight, you just didn't suck a d**k yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihoz5m/you_are_not_straight_you_just_didnt_suck_a_dk_yet/ (bullshitveteran)
%
There's probably a person out there who's perfect in every way for you but you'll probably never meet them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihnkqq/theres_probably_a_person_out_there_whos_perfect/ (TheOneWhoIsPotato)
%
Most of the people who got kidnapped weren’t kids, nor were they napping

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihne6e/most_of_the_people_who_got_kidnapped_werent_kids/ (Sir_Zero_2018)
%
If you stick your penis into a Venus flytrap it becomes a Venus Penistrap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihmkf0/if_you_stick_your_penis_into_a_venus_flytrap_it/ (realMouse_Potato)
%
When you say that you agree to disagree, or you disagree to agree, both mean to disagree

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihkvw3/when_you_say_that_you_agree_to_disagree_or_you/ (PotterMessi)
%
When Einstein masturbated, it was a stroke of genius

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihkeke/when_einstein_masturbated_it_was_a_stroke_of/ (Waynenewtonsbrother)
%
Your close friends and family have probably seen you more than you've seen yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihk09f/your_close_friends_and_family_have_probably_seen/ (Sesilwe)
%
Ur ass can create 3 states of matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihjf94/ur_ass_can_create_3_states_of_matter/ (Your_Depressed_Soul)
%
There is most likely a shipping container full of sex toys sitting at the bottom of the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihidiz/there_is_most_likely_a_shipping_container_full_of/ (MaldingMadman)
%
In a Toy Story world where objects are alive, your car keys are the most mischievous

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihg023/in_a_toy_story_world_where_objects_are_alive_your/ (fyrflyeffect)
%
Light has traveled 90 million miles only to be denied to touch the Earth's surface when you block it and cast a shadow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihfx7w/light_has_traveled_90_million_miles_only_to_be/ (Nav_the_gamer)
%
It's never specified what sweet dreams are made of.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihfmq8/its_never_specified_what_sweet_dreams_are_made_of/ (littlebuster22)
%
The protagonists of Jurassic park escaped the dinosaurs by driving, using their ancestors as fuel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihedt7/the_protagonists_of_jurassic_park_escaped_the/ (littlebuster22)
%
Having someone else to make a decision is both considerate and inconsiderate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihd5yd/having_someone_else_to_make_a_decision_is_both/ (konnichiwa12)
%
Teeth are the only acceptable part of the skeleton to have showing

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihcz8d/teeth_are_the_only_acceptable_part_of_the/ (theembiggen3r)
%
Childhood is you throwing a tantrum to get your parents to do what you want, teenage is your parents throwing a tantrum to get you to do what they want.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihan04/childhood_is_you_throwing_a_tantrum_to_get_your/ (Dahuey64)
%
Invulnerable super hero’s have the additional benefit of never getting stung by a bee or bit by a mosquito

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihagg4/invulnerable_super_heros_have_the_additional/ (SipSlipperySalmonSon)
%
Misprinted comics and trading cards are super valuable, but misprinted money will probably be rejected as counterfeit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iha3jo/misprinted_comics_and_trading_cards_are_super/ (Senseless_Chatter)
%
Choosing your child's name is like picking a username for someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih94y4/choosing_your_childs_name_is_like_picking_a/ (HairlessButtcrack)
%
The subscriber count of Pewdiepie and T-series combined is greater than the population count of most countries in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih902l/the_subscriber_count_of_pewdiepie_and_tseries/ (Randomemeseeker)
%
Airpods are technologically innovative, but have a greater amount of risks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih8is6/airpods_are_technologically_innovative_but_have_a/ (Caiross)
%
Someday when science is advanced enough, sci-fi will be considered nonfiction

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih86qp/someday_when_science_is_advanced_enough_scifi/ (lildinger68)
%
Hanging someone is technically giving them vertical whiplash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih7sgx/hanging_someone_is_technically_giving_them/ (Mercurial_Rhombus)
%
Your mind's eye only imagines it can see things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih7o66/your_minds_eye_only_imagines_it_can_see_things/ (Relaxing_Cat)
%
You don't have to know what the answer is to know what it is not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih7038/you_dont_have_to_know_what_the_answer_is_to_know/ (DrProfessor_Z)
%
Overhearing a spoiler can ruin your whole day. Being told a spoiler can ruin friendships

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih5mly/overhearing_a_spoiler_can_ruin_your_whole_day/ (Trask37)
%
Antarctica is the whitest continent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih5ftz/antarctica_is_the_whitest_continent/ (AngleDevil)
%
A lot of jobs are only jobs because they ARE jobs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih4agm/a_lot_of_jobs_are_only_jobs_because_they_are_jobs/ (Rkthe23rdst)
%
Not many people realize that the piano is both a percussion and stringed instrument.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih44ee/not_many_people_realize_that_the_piano_is_both_a/ (howareya79)
%
Oh wow, the water softener must be broken or something

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih446g/oh_wow_the_water_softener_must_be_broken_or/ (2ndaccountlmao)
%
There’s nothing scarier, to a teenager, than letting your mom hold your phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih3q98/theres_nothing_scarier_to_a_teenager_than_letting/ (Darkshadow1819)
%
Santa is a mass murderer of ginger bread pepole

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih23uk/santa_is_a_mass_murderer_of_ginger_bread_pepole/ (pipopapupupewebghost)
%
People who work at full service laundromats probably sniff your panties.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih20v9/people_who_work_at_full_service_laundromats/ (Historyteach87)
%
A large majority of people who are active on social media are older than social media sites themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih1emh/a_large_majority_of_people_who_are_active_on/ (SirMalcolmK)
%
Nobody looks happy when they’re jogging.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igze44/nobody_looks_happy_when_theyre_jogging/ (danzig1989)
%
Millions of bird die every year from flying into buildings. At some point, birds will be so urbanized that if you put a sparrow in the woods it would probably impale himself on a branch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igp7lu/millions_of_bird_die_every_year_from_flying_into/ (CrippledBalls)
%
Anyone who doubts the existence of perpetual motion has never brushed a cat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igorxq/anyone_who_doubts_the_existence_of_perpetual/ (bankrobberskid)
%
Meat “Broth” is technically Meat Tea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igo2nd/meat_broth_is_technically_meat_tea/ (Ibraxyl)
%
A giraffe getting a sore throat must be hell

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ignj3k/a_giraffe_getting_a_sore_throat_must_be_hell/ (VocalCord)
%
Instead of running around the playground accusing each other of having cooties, kids are probably accusing each other of having COVIDs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igmnpi/instead_of_running_around_the_playground_accusing/ (mothrasballs)
%
Failing to open a tub of pills gives you the same feeling as getting google captchas wrong

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iglyas/failing_to_open_a_tub_of_pills_gives_you_the_same/ (JoeyPostsReddit)
%
We really are floating on a rock hurtling through outer space in a Universe that we have no idea how it came into existence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iglxsw/we_really_are_floating_on_a_rock_hurtling_through/ (DarthPancakes41)
%
dreams are the body's screensavers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igk1k6/dreams_are_the_bodys_screensavers/ (isokayrn)
%
Going waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds like fun if you don't know what waterboarding or Guantanamo Bay is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igjh2c/going_waterboarding_in_guantanamo_bay_sounds_like/ (dreaming__Girl)
%
While Joe fixes everything else, maybe he can finally get us switched over to the metric system

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igjc16/while_joe_fixes_everything_else_maybe_he_can/ (madsciencetits)
%
At its core, Tron is an isekai.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igjbeo/at_its_core_tron_is_an_isekai/ (-RED4CTED-)
%
Throwaway accounts have been awarded more than the original accounts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ighxtd/throwaway_accounts_have_been_awarded_more_than/ (Fwoym16)
%
If every human went vegan it would take just as much farmland to farm crops as it does to raise the animals but several times more resources to grow said crops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ighw2a/if_every_human_went_vegan_it_would_take_just_as/ (Runevok)
%
The fact that we have experienced several once in a lifetime occurrences during our lifetime already makes me hopeful for some smooth sailing going forward.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igh61a/the_fact_that_we_have_experienced_several_once_in/ (hdpe125)
%
If laws were removed, crime rates would drop to 0%

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iggptw/if_laws_were_removed_crime_rates_would_drop_to_0/ (Whisak)
%
The kindergarten teachers made you dance to Macarena but it's a song about a woman cheating on her boyfriend with two different men

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iggkim/the_kindergarten_teachers_made_you_dance_to/ (Craftycorecreep)
%
they give gold watch at end of retirement. A burial plot be better

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igfjga/they_give_gold_watch_at_end_of_retirement_a/ (109fbfknai32oak)
%
Because of the movie “Waterboy”, millions of people learned the chemical formula for water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igfdmd/because_of_the_movie_waterboy_millions_of_people/ (arajian)
%
People born blind and deaf, don't dream, and might confuse sleeping with reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ige4db/people_born_blind_and_deaf_dont_dream_and_might/ (merzak-x)
%
There is no modifier for medium. There is no extra, super, or very medium.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igdkb5/there_is_no_modifier_for_medium_there_is_no_extra/ (nachoha)
%
The opposite of Assassin is Dickdickout

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igd8p4/the_opposite_of_assassin_is_dickdickout/ (Imaginator127)
%
Giving a hug and receiving a hug are two different things

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igcoo2/giving_a_hug_and_receiving_a_hug_are_two/ (Mets4Ever2k)
%
The kids that were the most homophobic in school were also the ones trying to slap every guys ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iga8kp/the_kids_that_were_the_most_homophobic_in_school/ (Pantoner)
%
All spoons are table spoons

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig5qeu/all_spoons_are_table_spoons/ (Seedpound)
%
Every picture is a one piece puzzle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig462o/every_picture_is_a_one_piece_puzzle/ (GlerGberg)
%
We take for granted that we were born as humans and not an insect or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig3v15/we_take_for_granted_that_we_were_born_as_humans/ (Twinkie_Corgi)
%
Auto correct doesn't correct you when you type in caps because it thinks your angry and doesn't want to make you even more angry

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig323f/auto_correct_doesnt_correct_you_when_you_type_in/ (Written_byfoot)
%
There's always somewhere in the world where your sleep schedule works perfectly

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig2f3o/theres_always_somewhere_in_the_world_where_your/ (icumlies)
%
Swearing is healthy for the soul, it releases that sweet tension and sets someone free.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifzhhu/swearing_is_healthy_for_the_soul_it_releases_that/ (melalegolas)
%
Elephants have a build-in snorkel.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ify3ep/elephants_have_a_buildin_snorkel/ (SmurfPunk01)
%
When a shark eats a human, the human could be considered a type of seafood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifxj89/when_a_shark_eats_a_human_the_human_could_be/ (Darkshadow1819)
%
Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifv3bf/birds_probably_do_more_people_watching_than/ (sumith_hebbar)
%
It’s a miracle that the world managed to more or less settle on one number system.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iftjf4/its_a_miracle_that_the_world_managed_to_more_or/ (Pifinit)
%
A girl saying "I don't like doing girly stuff" is considered fine while a boy saying "I don't like doing manly stuff " is judged.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ift4yc/a_girl_saying_i_dont_like_doing_girly_stuff_is/ (traveller_time)
%
Firemen are water delivery drivers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifs4yz/firemen_are_water_delivery_drivers/ ([deleted])
%
Somewhere, some maniac actually uses the extra sauce packets that came with their Chinese takeaway

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifring/somewhere_some_maniac_actually_uses_the_extra/ (TitShark)
%
If you wear your shirt inside out everyone else is wearing your shirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifqlgs/if_you_wear_your_shirt_inside_out_everyone_else/ (Dorecio)
%
Rick Astly rick rolled himself when he made the song

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifq69d/rick_astly_rick_rolled_himself_when_he_made_the/ (BigManFamBruvTing)
%
You never truly forget something, you just lose the trigger that causes you to think about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifpupp/you_never_truly_forget_something_you_just_lose/ (Roofy45)
%
Peeing without holding your penis is hip firing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifpa4t/peeing_without_holding_your_penis_is_hip_firing/ (eladamir1010)
%
The word "literally" is used more in metaphorical than literal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifny21/the_word_literally_is_used_more_in_metaphorical/ (Thirdly03)
%
Jeans are considered “casual wear” but the most uncomfortable garment to sleep in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifkfkl/jeans_are_considered_casual_wear_but_the_most/ (hausubbnozes)
%
There is one man on earth that knows more about toilets than any other man, and he probably knows it too

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifiyfn/there_is_one_man_on_earth_that_knows_more_about/ (Miner8012)
%
Calling it "1% milk" seemed more enticing than "99% milk" to a while industry trying to sell more milk.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifgmgn/calling_it_1_milk_seemed_more_enticing_than_99/ (HungryForShit)
%
Handball is both a sport and a foul in a sport

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifft1k/handball_is_both_a_sport_and_a_foul_in_a_sport/ (FriezaAndHoushi)
%
Life is so short. Except for when you can't escape the person that makes your life miserable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iffjcb/life_is_so_short_except_for_when_you_cant_escape/ (8B3B383B)
%
A 17 years old can't vibe with a 13 years old but a 21 years old can vibe with a 17 years old perfectly although they have the same age gap.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ife65h/a_17_years_old_cant_vibe_with_a_13_years_old_but/ (Yuvxraj)
%
You were once the youngest person alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ife2fx/you_were_once_the_youngest_person_alive/ (NotEvenRare)
%
In Monster Hunter World, the only monster is you and maybe Vespoid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifdbqm/in_monster_hunter_world_the_only_monster_is_you/ (bcook5)
%
The efforts of the past shall be judged by the final result.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifbqy7/the_efforts_of_the_past_shall_be_judged_by_the/ (YZXFILE)
%
Drumming is throwing a tantrum in style.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifbfhe/drumming_is_throwing_a_tantrum_in_style/ (ivlark)
%
Any bag is a trash bag if you fill it with trash

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifb0yx/any_bag_is_a_trash_bag_if_you_fill_it_with_trash/ (lukebomb3)
%
If studios market a movie as 'Adam Sandler's/Nic Cage's Worst Film Yet!', it would probably make bank

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if9onk/if_studios_market_a_movie_as_adam_sandlersnic/ (OzamandiasSy)
%
Bread has already been toasted when you buy it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if9nip/bread_has_already_been_toasted_when_you_buy_it/ (AlwaysTheNoob)
%
We are star dust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if93nl/we_are_star_dust/ (SuperNovaAHCK2810)
%
A theme park can take a crystal clear picture of you at 70 mph on a rollercoaster but a bank security camera can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if8xdb/a_theme_park_can_take_a_crystal_clear_picture_of/ (buffafboii)
%
Someone out there has been hornier than anyone else in human history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if8ste/someone_out_there_has_been_hornier_than_anyone/ (Christoff_Gaymore)
%
Superheros would b better with accents

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if8d4y/superheros_would_b_better_with_accents/ (justneedthreefifty)
%
You can't spell 'disappointment' without 'ointment'

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if7ukl/you_cant_spell_disappointment_without_ointment/ (zion2674)
%
Gen Z will never understand how big Jamie Lynn Spears's 2007 pregnancy announcement was.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if6fgy/gen_z_will_never_understand_how_big_jamie_lynn/ (lifesizedmap)
%
Boomers consider Gen Z stupid & Gen Z consider boomers stupid and nobody knows what are millennials up to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if5nj5/boomers_consider_gen_z_stupid_gen_z_consider/ (2T4J)
%
Your butthole has the least UV exposure out of your whole body

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if3vgo/your_butthole_has_the_least_uv_exposure_out_of/ (tobleroney69)
%
If nobody knows all the digits of π, we can’t be sure it is infinite

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if3k9f/if_nobody_knows_all_the_digits_of_π_we_cant_be/ (HockieFan41)
%
Someone was like "Dinasours roared and had green and purple skin" and it is know globally accepted

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if2zx6/someone_was_like_dinasours_roared_and_had_green/ (circonfl3x)
%
A game is good when you don’t look at your phone in cutscenes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iezl1l/a_game_is_good_when_you_dont_look_at_your_phone/ (awesomehuder)
%
I've never had a post make it past auto mod

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iexltx/ive_never_had_a_post_make_it_past_auto_mod/ (The_Terrific)
%
Nobody likes people who record videos vertically or who record and post a video of a video playing on their TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iewh00/nobody_likes_people_who_record_videos_vertically/ (PreparedForAnalSex)
%
Entropy is constantly consistent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieuk5d/entropy_is_constantly_consistent/ (slayedzombie69)
%
You realize it's too late to adjust your life choices when people like your physician / lawyer / a police officer have the same age as you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ietr2e/you_realize_its_too_late_to_adjust_your_life/ (Hustlinbones)
%
Our eyes are never really closed. Just the eye lid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ietoff/our_eyes_are_never_really_closed_just_the_eye_lid/ (gsharp29)
%
Chances are you share the same birthday as some who is less than 5 miles away from you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ietlmi/chances_are_you_share_the_same_birthday_as_some/ (Gary_October)
%
Ghost movies must have the smallest budgets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iet54c/ghost_movies_must_have_the_smallest_budgets/ (foudesoif)
%
Covid has made picking your nose in public even more socially unacceptable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iesvox/covid_has_made_picking_your_nose_in_public_even/ (Foliage1)
%
In vampire movies they can only come out during the night because sunlight burns them, but the moon has no light of its own, it's just reflected sunlight

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ies0aj/in_vampire_movies_they_can_only_come_out_during/ (PigeonPenGaming)
%
The air pollution in the Cars universe must be astronomical

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ierg10/the_air_pollution_in_the_cars_universe_must_be/ (AndeanRock)
%
Super Natural and Supernatural are exact opposites.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iercbb/super_natural_and_supernatural_are_exact_opposites/ (GabrielGaryLutz)
%
If you're under 18 and have had a dream about having sex, you have unknowingly watched child porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iepsmn/if_youre_under_18_and_have_had_a_dream_about/ (dsdd1373)
%
Thanks to the coin flip, George Washington is still making decisions for us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iepn99/thanks_to_the_coin_flip_george_washington_is/ (Gary_October)
%
If tomatoes are fruits then ketchup is juice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iepl1j/if_tomatoes_are_fruits_then_ketchup_is_juice/ (JoaquimPedro201)
%
Someday in the future when we have fully self-driving cars car ads wont need people to drive them around all cool-like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iepjiz/someday_in_the_future_when_we_have_fully/ (Bacon260998_)
%
It is completely impossible to touch with your one hand the other hand without simultaneously the other hand touching the first one

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iep309/it_is_completely_impossible_to_touch_with_your/ (CheesecakePleasant)
%
You’ve probably never been the only one in the world to blink at that exact moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieoktd/youve_probably_never_been_the_only_one_in_the/ (markkaschak)
%
If it smells good, run.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iemnxs/if_it_smells_good_run/ (Gary_October)
%
It's hard to find a hobby when you don't enjoy anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iellbe/its_hard_to_find_a_hobby_when_you_dont_enjoy/ (Buckeye_CFB)
%
the ass can produce all the 3 states of matter

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieknqj/the_ass_can_produce_all_the_3_states_of_matter/ (sheaib)
%
Tequila Sunrise Is A Breakfast Apéritif

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iek2k9/tequila_sunrise_is_a_breakfast_apéritif/ (World-Tight)
%
If we really tried we could become a nocturnal society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iejqaa/if_we_really_tried_we_could_become_a_nocturnal/ (tysmily)
%
A 40y/o drinking cows milk is normal, but a 40y/o drinking breast milk is weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieivv3/a_40yo_drinking_cows_milk_is_normal_but_a_40yo/ (House-Elfje)
%
If The Terminator has an erection, can we call it " Metal Gear Solid " ?

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iehxzt/if_the_terminator_has_an_erection_can_we_call_it/ (FLUX-2)
%
You only know the date of your birth, and consequently your age, because someone told you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iehbwl/you_only_know_the_date_of_your_birth_and/ (DroP90)
%
Minority groups aren't considered minority groups until they're large enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieh732/minority_groups_arent_considered_minority_groups/ (SnoWFLakE02)
%
Ironically, "shorter" is longer than "longer".

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieh2dq/ironically_shorter_is_longer_than_longer/ (256Moin256)
%
There's no reason for the alphabet to be in order

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iefthd/theres_no_reason_for_the_alphabet_to_be_in_order/ (elephantgobrrrbrrr)
%
We could have named the stars after every people live and lived on earth but we didn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iefn8m/we_could_have_named_the_stars_after_every_people/ (Anencephalous_Klutz_)
%
It is very strange that no astronomer has ever found a big celestial body and just named it "Your Mom"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iefeu2/it_is_very_strange_that_no_astronomer_has_ever/ (Tchakaba)
%
An ass can produce all three states of matter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iec69z/an_ass_can_produce_all_three_states_of_matter/ (sabasaba12)
%
Cement and glasses are made of sand so basically you're living in a sandhouse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iebu3w/cement_and_glasses_are_made_of_sand_so_basically/ (SCP_Agent_No69)
%
Dogs get more physical affection than men do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie95i0/dogs_get_more_physical_affection_than_men_do/ (MrFolgers69420)
%
Furry's are cosplaying entities that only exist in their head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie953m/furrys_are_cosplaying_entities_that_only_exist_in/ (TotallyBrandNewName)
%
Wonder what it be like to swap place with your mirror self.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie875b/wonder_what_it_be_like_to_swap_place_with_your/ (Grandcanyon19)
%
You can see the racial split in our society on white supremacists. Not because they exist, but because there are no popular black supremacists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie7u5q/you_can_see_the_racial_split_in_our_society_on/ (ThaReehlEza)
%
Someone holds the record for longest distance scrolled online

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie5ott/someone_holds_the_record_for_longest_distance/ (whicketywack)
%
cannibal corpse is another way of saying zombie

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie4pck/cannibal_corpse_is_another_way_of_saying_zombie/ (KrakenTaken)
%
Since sexual content isn't allowed on YouTube unless it's education you should the porn you upload how to have sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie4lgr/since_sexual_content_isnt_allowed_on_youtube/ (Aloe2Vera)
%
You only notice when someone is left handed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie3x1z/you_only_notice_when_someone_is_left_handed/ (inthe_midbleakwinter)
%
The blood in our bodies has been in us since birth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie3mf2/the_blood_in_our_bodies_has_been_in_us_since_birth/ (Reddic1)
%
In the next few years, an entire generation could witness their first assassination of a high power public figure

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie202y/in_the_next_few_years_an_entire_generation_could/ (dan_fitz21)
%
There is never a definitive answer to a question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie06eq/there_is_never_a_definitive_answer_to_a_question/ (Yozhur)
%
Falling in love in a dream is such a crushing feeling after

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idyknf/falling_in_love_in_a_dream_is_such_a_crushing/ (NightRaven1122)
%
King Kong a simp for sacrificing himself for a woman he can't even fuck

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idu8zx/king_kong_a_simp_for_sacrificing_himself_for_a/ (nisetracker)
%
If you water water it grows

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idremv/if_you_water_water_it_grows/ (CHATTY-ON-DURACELL)
%
Life gives melons to the dyslexic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idquyu/life_gives_melons_to_the_dyslexic/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
%
We encourage little kids to blow on dandelions to make a wish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idq0fo/we_encourage_little_kids_to_blow_on_dandelions_to/ (LifeofSteven)
%
There is absolutely no point or reason for the alphabet to be in order.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idofpn/there_is_absolutely_no_point_or_reason_for_the/ (_Neel__)
%
Liechtenstein claims to be an independent country when it's really nothing but another Canton of Switzerland.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idndcx/liechtenstein_claims_to_be_an_independent_country/ (Oden_Bitterblight)
%
We are so damn lucky that water is zero calories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idlgnn/we_are_so_damn_lucky_that_water_is_zero_calories/ (DonaldRogerCantKnow)
%
Somewhere out there, there’s a boy/girl who just made up the greatest plot idea. But they don’t have the skills or resources to bring it to life

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idjtpp/somewhere_out_there_theres_a_boygirl_who_just/ (DredgenDon)
%
Tribute to our ancestors who have died so our digestive system evolved so it can digest alcohol

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idjjgm/tribute_to_our_ancestors_who_have_died_so_our/ (RedStarRazi)
%
Pizza is an open faced cheese and sauce sandwich

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idioat/pizza_is_an_open_faced_cheese_and_sauce_sandwich/ (Tripinflip)
%
The more Holy Water you drink, the more likely it gets for a vampire to die from peeing on him

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idgrqq/the_more_holy_water_you_drink_the_more_likely_it/ (epicmemes69420)
%
It’s more common to avoid a link because you suspect it’s a Rickroll than out of concern for your cyber safety.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idgae1/its_more_common_to_avoid_a_link_because_you/ (foshowdoe)
%
the number of bisexual men is comparable to the number of gay men but not as visible and also comparable to the number of bisexual women which is more visible

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idfj2d/the_number_of_bisexual_men_is_comparable_to_the/ (juayme)
%
Technically every game that costs money is pay-to-win.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idet5u/technically_every_game_that_costs_money_is/ (Surely_Stupid)
%
People can be sweet, sour, bitter, or salty, but they can only be unsavory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idel0q/people_can_be_sweet_sour_bitter_or_salty_but_they/ (hare_in_a_suit)
%
Our first experience with jumpscares was when we played with jack in the boxes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id6kvc/our_first_experience_with_jumpscares_was_when_we/ (QuiteEgregious)
%
If everybody in the whole country wrote Obama or Bush in via write in voting. Would they become president for a third term?

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id64gw/if_everybody_in_the_whole_country_wrote_obama_or/ (OneLittleVictory2112)
%
A web browser is a person and a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id5t5b/a_web_browser_is_a_person_and_a_thing/ (graysonscale)
%
Before going to the dentist we scrub our mouths till it hurts but when someone wants to randomly make out and literally lick our mouths we are ok with that

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id5rkj/before_going_to_the_dentist_we_scrub_our_mouths/ (chefkc)
%
Every dog is either a bitch or a son a bitch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id57sb/every_dog_is_either_a_bitch_or_a_son_a_bitch/ (ICantThinkOfAUsertag)
%
Surgeons stab people to life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id4o6t/surgeons_stab_people_to_life/ (sullyj725)
%
When you're writing something that's long, it feels like it's gonna turn out way longer than it actually is, but you only realise it after you've written it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id45yj/when_youre_writing_something_thats_long_it_feels/ (Unkn4wn)
%
The zombies in plants vs zombies are the only known omnivorous zombies that we know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id3f52/the_zombies_in_plants_vs_zombies_are_the_only/ (N0BL3YT)
%
singularity theory but applied to evolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id3ckk/singularity_theory_but_applied_to_evolution/ (hyperviolentpacifist)
%
People are really weird about giving out their phone numbers but freely give social media handles which is way more invasive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id1ym3/people_are_really_weird_about_giving_out_their/ (LesbostarClitlactica)
%
Earthworm Jim maybe just went by Jim amongst close friends.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id1rh3/earthworm_jim_maybe_just_went_by_jim_amongst/ (GratefulD86)
%
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id1ofo/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving_you/ (nightfury41v)
%
You don't want to be eaten a raw food cannibal

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icy2b7/you_dont_want_to_be_eaten_a_raw_food_cannibal/ (moneybot13)
%
Being close to death is scarier than certain death

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icwo8q/being_close_to_death_is_scarier_than_certain_death/ (JimGr2210)
%
Jeff Kinney made millions of dollars off of people who hate reading

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icwdl1/jeff_kinney_made_millions_of_dollars_off_of/ (TheKingGamer777)
%
The E in her is silent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icwc35/the_e_in_her_is_silent/ (poppers-penguins)
%
The youngest picture of you is the oldest picture of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icv4y9/the_youngest_picture_of_you_is_the_oldest_picture/ (gamer552233)
%
You can avoid prison for killing a person but you can go to prison for consuming a mushroom from your backyard

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ictmsl/you_can_avoid_prison_for_killing_a_person_but_you/ (sachku)
%
Everything is easier said than done

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icsyfj/everything_is_easier_said_than_done/ (Ender_assassin6)
%
If Ron Artest were still playing in the NBA, he could have "World Peace" both above and below the number on the back of his jersey

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icrn95/if_ron_artest_were_still_playing_in_the_nba_he/ (IJusHerSoIDntGetFind)
%
Forest fires instantly become barbecues when someone or an animal gets cooked by the fire

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icplov/forest_fires_instantly_become_barbecues_when/ (dankpenguin69)
%
You never saw a perfect circle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icpflp/you_never_saw_a_perfect_circle/ (BatimadosAnos60)
%
Everyone can read minds except for you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icoxzt/everyone_can_read_minds_except_for_you/ (CaptainLeproz)
%
The word period has more impact than an actual period.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icmp9j/the_word_period_has_more_impact_than_an_actual/ (DarthVon)
%
Pandas are black, white and asian.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icjhh0/pandas_are_black_white_and_asian/ (ASwedeInNeed)
%
If you wake up sweating, you were likely distressed in your sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icjcy0/if_you_wake_up_sweating_you_were_likely/ (MaxedOutGames)
%
Everyone is overworked, yet so many unemployed...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ichagr/everyone_is_overworked_yet_so_many_unemployed/ (rosewaterlipsxoxo)
%
There are probably more adults that play with RC cars than children.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icgwsy/there_are_probably_more_adults_that_play_with_rc/ (_ephraim_)
%
Most People Probably Haven't Been 100m Away From Another Human Being Before

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icgsni/most_people_probably_havent_been_100m_away_from/ (Investor1101)
%
Taking a long bike ride is a surprisingly effective way for a man to discover the elastic on his underwear has failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iccxlh/taking_a_long_bike_ride_is_a_surprisingly/ (LordRupertEverton84)
%
What if a fire got so out of control it burned an entire continent. No one lives; nothing is left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icciaj/what_if_a_fire_got_so_out_of_control_it_burned_an/ (stinkbutt_88)
%
You have cells in your assole, and you have cells that are your asshole

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icamvl/you_have_cells_in_your_assole_and_you_have_cells/ (Luigihiji)
%
Bitcoin isn't about money but replacing money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icagj4/bitcoin_isnt_about_money_but_replacing_money/ (Maciokan)
%
if it's "mom" and "mother", why is it "dad" and "father" and not "dad" and "dather?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic96qi/if_its_mom_and_mother_why_is_it_dad_and_father/ (HauntingCourt6)
%
You have never seem deaf people argue

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic92ky/you_have_never_seem_deaf_people_argue/ (sadcactus123)
%
Being told "you're wrong" when you're right is absolutely infuriating

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic7yhr/being_told_youre_wrong_when_youre_right_is/ (Rouge_Robot)
%
Some people grow wiser with age. Many more just grow old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic6mbg/some_people_grow_wiser_with_age_many_more_just/ (HiddenKittenPounce)
%
A clever pickup line is only as cute as the person who delivers it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic4uf2/a_clever_pickup_line_is_only_as_cute_as_the/ (Happy_Each_Day)
%
You don’t only suffer from missing the person that’s no longer around. You also suffer from missing the version of “you” that existed in their presence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic3lc3/you_dont_only_suffer_from_missing_the_person/ (MCA2142)
%
Having your jaw open takes up more energy then having it closed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic3e6q/having_your_jaw_open_takes_up_more_energy_then/ (CaptainTommy0306)
%
There's a reason Id is the first part of idiot

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic2l3e/theres_a_reason_id_is_the_first_part_of_idiot/ (PanickedPoodle)
%
In almost every Hollywood movie, New York City always gets destroyed first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic2kfr/in_almost_every_hollywood_movie_new_york_city/ (Beginnerer)
%
Hundreads of thousands of Belarussians protesting rn. Many arrested and beaten by unprovoked Police attacks. Not a single shop looted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic0j18/hundreads_of_thousands_of_belarussians_protesting/ (Novik91)
%
Considering most cats live to maximum 15-16 years, 9 cat lives isn’t that much longer than a single human life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibyn9d/considering_most_cats_live_to_maximum_1516_years/ (euan3704)
%
"Fuck" is a really versatile swear word

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibxfh9/fuck_is_a_really_versatile_swear_word/ (getrektlolkek)
%
On our sphere planet, if you keep going north you'll eventually start to go south. But if you continually go west you'll just keep going west.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibwmxb/on_our_sphere_planet_if_you_keep_going_north/ (MrAVAT4R)
%
We are the survivor

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibvxh4/we_are_the_survivor/ (am-a-sloth-and-weeb)
%
The biggest failed assumption of modern times is that the more you present people with information, the more informed they are

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibtztd/the_biggest_failed_assumption_of_modern_times_is/ (rumborak)
%
No one knows if a star is already born or died

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibtobo/no_one_knows_if_a_star_is_already_born_or_died/ (cadagricomiguel)
%
Switching "your" side of the bed for a partner is an act of true love

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibte6o/switching_your_side_of_the_bed_for_a_partner_is/ (CivilServiced)
%
Technically, your birth certificate has an expiration date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibrq8d/technically_your_birth_certificate_has_an/ (SirAlpacaOfficial)
%
Girl Scouts is literally the greatest pyramid scheme in human history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibq5v7/girl_scouts_is_literally_the_greatest_pyramid/ (PredatoryCat)
%
When a pregnant woman swims she becomes a human submarine

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibpqts/when_a_pregnant_woman_swims_she_becomes_a_human/ (CHATTY-ON-DURACELL)
%
Locks have an equal, if not more, offensive uses as defensive uses

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibpac3/locks_have_an_equal_if_not_more_offensive_uses_as/ (lockedssss)
%
You are your dog's emotional support human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iboalw/you_are_your_dogs_emotional_support_human/ (Kabullyaw)
%
You would never know if this will be the last time your read this post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibna2p/you_would_never_know_if_this_will_be_the_last/ (HaveYouMetThisDude)
%
Everyone needs to sing the alphabet from the start to know the next letter, but no one needs to start counting from 0 to know the next number

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibm5ql/everyone_needs_to_sing_the_alphabet_from_the/ (That-Dutch-Person)
%
Many people could be swayed to the dark side with very little convincing. Please try to set a good example.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iblqcu/many_people_could_be_swayed_to_the_dark_side_with/ (ThatGuy___YouKnow)
%
Most people think t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibl5y5/most_people_think_trexes_cant_clap_because_they/ (EggEggEggEggOWO)
%
If teeth are a part of our skeleton, and we use toothpaste to clean our teeth, we could have a pearly white skeleton if we covered it in toothpaste and cleaned it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibkvcj/if_teeth_are_a_part_of_our_skeleton_and_we_use/ (WhatToPutHereLol)
%
If Pinocchio told everyone his nose grows when he tells the truth, everyone would believe him, even though he is lying

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibjvxy/if_pinocchio_told_everyone_his_nose_grows_when_he/ (BrotherZ1ox)
%
If two mind readers read each other’s thoughts, whose thoughts are they actually reading

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibjrn3/if_two_mind_readers_read_each_others_thoughts/ (clashvalley)
%
If you are a slow driver there is a “right “ lane for you. Use it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibjrkp/if_you_are_a_slow_driver_there_is_a_right_lane/ (K-88)
%
We are the nerds of the animal kingdom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibi5eu/we_are_the_nerds_of_the_animal_kingdom/ (MissRedShoes1939)
%
When someone is drinking a beer, both that person and the beer are getting drunk

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibhuu4/when_someone_is_drinking_a_beer_both_that_person/ (chinnick967)
%
Someone out there probably saved the world without even realising.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibdrsa/someone_out_there_probably_saved_the_world/ (ZeeZeeChen)
%
You'll be sadder if you know more about our world

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibdjdr/youll_be_sadder_if_you_know_more_about_our_world/ (Nastynoob3)
%
heterosexuality is the default

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibahmx/heterosexuality_is_the_default/ (Knight_GTC)
%
Most humans would agree that putting a hook in someones mouth would horribe but if it were to happen to a fish then its ok.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib8rxd/most_humans_would_agree_that_putting_a_hook_in/ (Valium_Tino)
%
Hannah Montana shouldn’t sing about having a double life if she wants to keep her identity a secret.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib8evx/hannah_montana_shouldnt_sing_about_having_a/ (helm_hammer_hand)
%
You ignore or stop your first alarm of the day

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib7uyl/you_ignore_or_stop_your_first_alarm_of_the_day/ (5ylvanJ)
%
An easy way to make people upset while driving is to go the speed limit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib51x2/an_easy_way_to_make_people_upset_while_driving_is/ (DelugeSigma)
%
When you are in the womb, you are wearing your parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib3ra6/when_you_are_in_the_womb_you_are_wearing_your/ (Quackels_The_Duck)
%
Prior to the internet, the search for free porn was conducted in the woods

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib2ob7/prior_to_the_internet_the_search_for_free_porn/ (S_A_R_K)
%
in porn we get amused for the story and in movies for sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib0uo3/in_porn_we_get_amused_for_the_story_and_in_movies/ (nasytasy)
%
Sexual assault victims who come forward don't 'ruin' their assaulter's reputation. They correct it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib0cm8/sexual_assault_victims_who_come_forward_dont_ruin/ (TheViciousKoala)
%
There's no difference between saying you're 'up' for something or 'down' for something

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iazupe/theres_no_difference_between_saying_youre_up_for/ (HiImNickOk)
%
You never see ads for ad block

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaz76e/you_never_see_ads_for_ad_block/ (soccer11k)
%
The brain is the bossiest organ in the universe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaysl7/the_brain_is_the_bossiest_organ_in_the_universe/ (Prof_IdiotFace)
%
Alarms makes you angry whether it works or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iayjfv/alarms_makes_you_angry_whether_it_works_or_not/ (koenboy12)
%
Cat's we're vampires in the previous life and that's why they are so surprised of seeing themselves in mirrors

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaxee5/cats_were_vampires_in_the_previous_life_and_thats/ (Franceseye)
%
Diarrhea is bad, but it's especially bad if you're a pilot.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iavyd2/diarrhea_is_bad_but_its_especially_bad_if_youre_a/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
%
It must’ve been really easy for Elastigirl to give birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iavx9q/it_mustve_been_really_easy_for_elastigirl_to_give/ (Iwanttobeanactor1)
%
Whoever decided to make videos pause when headphones are unplugged has saved many men

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iavnsz/whoever_decided_to_make_videos_pause_when/ (Ontario-)
%
A serial killer has probably watched a documentary on their unsolved crimes and laughed at the inaccuracies in the leads

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iatz92/a_serial_killer_has_probably_watched_a/ (CHATTY-ON-DURACELL)
%
Maple syrup is technically tree blood

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iatqvy/maple_syrup_is_technically_tree_blood/ (wheatman1)
%
If you're going 60mph, it would take you a minute to do a mile.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iasw3j/if_youre_going_60mph_it_would_take_you_a_minute/ (theawkwardselfie)
%
People only value "tolerance" when it's applied to people with a perceived lack of power or social capital

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iasnvx/people_only_value_tolerance_when_its_applied_to/ (c_h_a_r_)
%
Everyone says great minds think alike. Apple says think different. Meditation says don’t even think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iarph5/everyone_says_great_minds_think_alike_apple_says/ (influencedbyyou)
%
It takes less water to boil 10 potatoes than to boil 1 potato.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iar8j1/it_takes_less_water_to_boil_10_potatoes_than_to/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
%
Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaq8lq/sounding_by_sound_is_a_sound_method_of_sounding/ (P480)
%
You can drink a drink, but you can't food a food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iao88g/you_can_drink_a_drink_but_you_cant_food_a_food/ (Gatfro30)
%
A grape is a fruit and a grapefruit is also a fruit but they taste nothing alike

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ianjca/a_grape_is_a_fruit_and_a_grapefruit_is_also_a/ (finiac)
%
There are colors that certain fish can see, that we will never be able to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iamjsg/there_are_colors_that_certain_fish_can_see_that/ (JakeTheSnake_R45)
%
Animals show teeth as aggression, humans are the opposite

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iakabm/animals_show_teeth_as_aggression_humans_are_the/ (NotMandinga21)
%
Diesel prices have skyrocketed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iajq6b/diesel_prices_have_skyrocketed/ (queazidilla)
%
Celebrities can work as impersonators of themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaino9/celebrities_can_work_as_impersonators_of/ (MrScandanavia)
%
If suction cups suck, then they don't suck. But if they don't suck, then they suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaiiaq/if_suction_cups_suck_then_they_dont_suck_but_if/ (ProtectionV2)
%
The biggest advantage kidnappers have is the belief that people have to wait 24 hours before reporting a missing person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaejjv/the_biggest_advantage_kidnappers_have_is_the/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
%
If someone saw Kratos killing Cronos from afar, it would look like cronos was fighting nothing and suddenly dies

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaaa02/if_someone_saw_kratos_killing_cronos_from_afar_it/ (Unkn4wn)
%
If fixtures are correct in your school, then go if chimp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaa4ax/if_fixtures_are_correct_in_your_school_then_go_if/ (bikegrantforu)
%
Dreaming is a built in simulator that lets you practice random scenarios before they happen irl

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia95ef/dreaming_is_a_built_in_simulator_that_lets_you/ (RPeezy850)
%
Conspiracy theorists could be right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia9329/conspiracy_theorists_could_be_right/ (_that_old_guy)
%
Since most ghost's can't tell if thyre dead, we probably wouldn't know either

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia902g/since_most_ghosts_cant_tell_if_thyre_dead_we/ (iEliteCat)
%
Bruce Wayne is a single billionaire who lives alone in his mansion with a loyal manservant, and an orphan child whom he replaces as soon as they get too old. “Fighting Crime” is probably not high on the list of things people thinks he does in secret...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia8zms/bruce_wayne_is_a_single_billionaire_who_lives/ (BoxedElderGnome)
%
Calling somebody stupid usually makes them prove it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia79hw/calling_somebody_stupid_usually_makes_them_prove/ (smplgd)
%
Some mosquitoes have probably tried to suck blood from inanimate objects

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia75mp/some_mosquitoes_have_probably_tried_to_suck_blood/ (asianrunnerboi)
%
A human brain is much more complex than a computer brain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia6oaa/a_human_brain_is_much_more_complex_than_a/ (Beginnerer)
%
There are as many left turns as there are right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia6ema/there_are_as_many_left_turns_as_there_are_right/ (Clonestaar)
%
You wait for waiters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia4oc3/you_wait_for_waiters/ (YourWorldLeader)
%
Children who skip ahead in school are speed running a New Game+

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia4may/children_who_skip_ahead_in_school_are_speed/ (neoslith)
%
Learning something on the Internet is the modern version of 'learning something off a bloke in the pub'

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia4dwp/learning_something_on_the_internet_is_the_modern/ (DivertedRaffik)
%
The fastest way to lose customers in a coffee shop is a wobbly table.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia3ke7/the_fastest_way_to_lose_customers_in_a_coffee/ (TheFlightlessPenguin)
%
There are probably more than 8 billion graves...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia1qdh/there_are_probably_more_than_8_billion_graves/ (CentrePeace)
%
Slim Jim is beef jerky as much as Sunny D is orange juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia1b90/slim_jim_is_beef_jerky_as_much_as_sunny_d_is/ (StupidDogYuMkMeLkBd)
%
The worse a dad joke is, the better it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9z9bc/the_worse_a_dad_joke_is_the_better_it_is/ (step6666)
%
If you wear a facemask in the car, no one can tell that you’re singing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9yp84/if_you_wear_a_facemask_in_the_car_no_one_can_tell/ (rearl306)
%
When you're middle-aged birthdays suck cause you're getting older, but when you're old they're cool again cause you're defying death

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9yla5/when_youre_middleaged_birthdays_suck_cause_youre/ (Shadows4)
%
The game Frogger takes place in the state of Florida.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9wtqz/the_game_frogger_takes_place_in_the_state_of/ (3IceShy)
%
In all your memories you can't remember seeing your nose in them, even though it is always visible to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9vrxi/in_all_your_memories_you_cant_remember_seeing/ (mcskedaddle)
%
Since Black Window's name is based on an actual spider, she can be considered the spiderwoman

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9um13/since_black_windows_name_is_based_on_an_actual/ (Rainmarked)
%
Unskippable 5 sec ads feel longer than skippable ads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9u8hu/unskippable_5_sec_ads_feel_longer_than_skippable/ (alfaboy55)
%
Football fans are the easiest to piss off because if you praise or diss a popular team, no matter what, someone will always get angry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9tmon/football_fans_are_the_easiest_to_piss_off_because/ (firegate2233)
%
The more you need water, the better it tastes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9tg6c/the_more_you_need_water_the_better_it_tastes/ (TheTarkonator)
%
We are all one awareness that these bodies have compelled us into.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9t2x2/we_are_all_one_awareness_that_these_bodies_have/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Sperm donors can legally have a large amount of kids without marriage

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9sh5w/sperm_donors_can_legally_have_a_large_amount_of/ (Asshiq)
%
Oh shit the hot water ran out

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9ri04/oh_shit_the_hot_water_ran_out/ (MrDarkRaven)
%
The longest 10 minutes you’ll ever experience is the 10 minutes between calling 911 and waiting for help to arrive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9r36t/the_longest_10_minutes_youll_ever_experience_is/ (goodluck_canuck)
%
It's weird to think how baby cries are recorded for games/movies. They either have a baby wich coincidentaly has a high quality mic near him, or they hurt it in some way.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9peu4/its_weird_to_think_how_baby_cries_are_recorded/ (wantsomenuggers)
%
Flat earthers could make their dream a reality & build a disc mega structure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9p9uh/flat_earthers_could_make_their_dream_a_reality/ (Michael_chipz)
%
A dog is either a bitch or a son of a bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9p1u2/a_dog_is_either_a_bitch_or_a_son_of_a_bitch/ (theokayestguy_)
%
if something is considered a 'miracle product' just for doing what it says it does, we must actually have very low standards for the products we use.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9oodg/if_something_is_considered_a_miracle_product_just/ (okaymyemye)
%
Games are console DLC

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9o1z7/games_are_console_dlc/ (lebronjamesboi)
%
There’s probably a random stranger who immediately hated you, just because you did something so minor that not even you would notice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9nsk1/theres_probably_a_random_stranger_who_immediately/ (e_rose3)
%
SubtleRacism is Europe being its own continent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9ld7b/subtleracism_is_europe_being_its_own_continent/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
%
The ocean is a very big lake, and we all live on the plateaus of the earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9k8pt/the_ocean_is_a_very_big_lake_and_we_all_live_on/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
%
That moment when the painkiller kicks in and you instantly tear because it no longer hurts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9iebv/that_moment_when_the_painkiller_kicks_in_and_you/ (psst531)
%
Near death experiences have 0% fatality rate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9gx06/near_death_experiences_have_0_fatality_rate/ (abacaxii_)
%
Happiness can be found through meaningful suffering

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9fzn1/happiness_can_be_found_through_meaningful/ (shotgunwriter)
%
Alphabetically Before comes after.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9fuk5/alphabetically_before_comes_after/ (zeptobot42)
%
NASA invented the moonwalk

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9ebiz/nasa_invented_the_moonwalk/ (hutimuti)
%
We probably sing better alone than when we sing on public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9e6li/we_probably_sing_better_alone_than_when_we_sing/ (lanceisonfire)
%
If picking your nose is digging for gold, then blowing your nose is blast mining

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9bmyh/if_picking_your_nose_is_digging_for_gold_then/ (matt675)
%
Immortality is seen as a bad thing but if everyone else was immortal people would probably be ok with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9ajqq/immortality_is_seen_as_a_bad_thing_but_if/ (ThingyThinger19)
%
Enjoying spicy food is the only acceptable kink that involves hurting yourself

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i99xbn/enjoying_spicy_food_is_the_only_acceptable_kink/ (starfleet47)
%
The most viral video-worthy moments likely haven't been caught on video

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9938z/the_most_viral_videoworthy_moments_likely_havent/ (WolfsToothDogFood)
%
Cherry tomatoes taste nothing like cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i97k9j/cherry_tomatoes_taste_nothing_like_cherries/ (Cannon1)
%
We could EASILY make a show or movie voice acted entirely by parrots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i95u9l/we_could_easily_make_a_show_or_movie_voice_acted/ (Bob_Tuba)
%
The first man to discover that milk is drinkable, must've been really thirsty

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i95df1/the_first_man_to_discover_that_milk_is_drinkable/ (L3monGuy)
%
We pet cats and dogs for ourselves as much as we do for them

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i94cke/we_pet_cats_and_dogs_for_ourselves_as_much_as_we/ (BifficerTheSecond)
%
One second after each second your future becomes your past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i94af6/one_second_after_each_second_your_future_becomes/ (clairsentientbeing)
%
Our pets would probably think less of us if they went through our phones and found hundreds of pictures of them sleeping

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i942nd/our_pets_would_probably_think_less_of_us_if_they/ (quickmath1763)
%
Flat earthers are really the only people who care about the shape of the earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93tnl/flat_earthers_are_really_the_only_people_who_care/ (Russian_Terminator)
%
If a toy dies in Toy Story, the other toys have to watch as the child plays with a corpse

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93qfn/if_a_toy_dies_in_toy_story_the_other_toys_have_to/ (Kryptonikzzz)
%
The kiss of a mother on a child’s injury isn’t what heals them, but rather the fact that the mother acknowledges the child is in pain, and the kiss is affirmation that they will power through it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93q9r/the_kiss_of_a_mother_on_a_childs_injury_isnt_what/ (farooqskariem)
%
In TVs and movies, no one questions that family members have no resemblance to each other. When it's commented on, its often using an unseen and/or dead character to support the conclusion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93q2j/in_tvs_and_movies_no_one_questions_that_family/ (Cccp9)
%
The last person on Earth probably won’t even know they are the last person on Earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93j37/the_last_person_on_earth_probably_wont_even_know/ (cutiemaan)
%
If pets could talk, they would pretend they can’t

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93i2a/if_pets_could_talk_they_would_pretend_they_cant/ (FurryPopcornPorn)
%
Water bottle companies are competing with each other over the prettiest bottle.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93h9m/water_bottle_companies_are_competing_with_each/ (BradenMer)
%
A meow only has to duck once for you to quack every question

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93gns/a_meow_only_has_to_duck_once_for_you_to_quack/ (Prtctr10)
%
Everyone learned how to masturbate without someone teaching them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93fn4/everyone_learned_how_to_masturbate_without/ (Wetowkinboutpractice)
%
Cell phones have probably done more for children's literacy than anything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93dg5/cell_phones_have_probably_done_more_for_childrens/ (thebrandedman)
%
Wolves in the wild probably get the zoomies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i919cd/wolves_in_the_wild_probably_get_the_zoomies/ (Shepskey)
%
Lint is your clothes slowly deteriorating.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8xad4/lint_is_your_clothes_slowly_deteriorating/ (djbred18)
%
If someone were to switch bodies with another person they would both be half dead half alive

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8uu8d/if_someone_were_to_switch_bodies_with_another/ (aLexyYa)
%
The sentence “I didn’t kill your dog” has different meanings depending on which word you emphasize.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8tk2i/the_sentence_i_didnt_kill_your_dog_has_different/ (michael-olson3)
%
P.Diddy's "Vote or Die" has never been more relevant as it is today.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8t7zc/pdiddys_vote_or_die_has_never_been_more_relevant/ (brilongqua)
%
Being unable to properly articulate an idea is almost as bad as not having had the idea to begin with.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ssbn/being_unable_to_properly_articulate_an_idea_is/ (MountainMongrel)
%
Pigeons are actually modern birds

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8rq0n/pigeons_are_actually_modern_birds/ (bolor-matinal)
%
Grass is the world’s hair, and humans are the barbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8re4z/grass_is_the_worlds_hair_and_humans_are_the/ (givemethedamnsniper)
%
When heat increases atoms are accelerating

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8r0le/when_heat_increases_atoms_are_accelerating/ (Goldendov75)
%
There's a very high probability that for every thought that you've ever had, someone else in the world have had the same thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8q67q/theres_a_very_high_probability_that_for_every/ (Allridium)
%
Everything is a limited edition because nothing is infinite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8pfmg/everything_is_a_limited_edition_because_nothing/ (Oldmate81)
%
In the future, some people will be cool with broadcasting their entire day live for everyone to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8nh5e/in_the_future_some_people_will_be_cool_with/ (sirmattimous)
%
You probably are or have been someone’s crush without you knowing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ndkw/you_probably_are_or_have_been_someones_crush/ (Tjibby)
%
The real world would not be kind to Elsa

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ms3b/the_real_world_would_not_be_kind_to_elsa/ (bpondo89)
%
If FBI actually spy us from smartphones cameras most of them would have to arrest themselves for watching cp

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8m0el/if_fbi_actually_spy_us_from_smartphones_cameras/ (edith_vg)
%
You can tell a person’s default settings by how they treat strangers. Someone who is a dick to a waitress or service provider is probably a dick overall and is putting on an act if they seem nice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8lq59/you_can_tell_a_persons_default_settings_by_how/ (mikebwn_80)
%
it's always somebody's birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ldmx/its_always_somebodys_birthday/ (postmodernhippiegoth)
%
Psychologists are the IT of human beings.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8iesp/psychologists_are_the_it_of_human_beings/ (Chabays)
%
It is difficult to find things that drop to the ground if you don’t trace where it goes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8hnl8/it_is_difficult_to_find_things_that_drop_to_the/ (PhD3DP)
%
Carl’s house from “Up” would have been shot down by the military.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8gtjc/carls_house_from_up_would_have_been_shot_down_by/ (PPLovee)
%
You don't actually know your birthday

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8gih1/you_dont_actually_know_your_birthday/ (TheSchred)
%
Wrestling is a modern version of gladiator fights

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8fezg/wrestling_is_a_modern_version_of_gladiator_fights/ (1acc_torulethemall)
%
Every giant social media platform just has a different type of horrible person on that site.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8fcxh/every_giant_social_media_platform_just_has_a/ (Adeptus_Asianicus)
%
Earth's rotation really makes our day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ekb7/earths_rotation_really_makes_our_day/ (IssaBlowBlow)
%
the most people will be remembered very well are actors

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8e5qt/the_most_people_will_be_remembered_very_well_are/ (swaydan99)
%
Farting in the tub is sort of like a human bong hit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8e47i/farting_in_the_tub_is_sort_of_like_a_human_bong/ (tchad78)
%
Dogs are Simps to Humans. Humans are Simps to Cats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8dkpd/dogs_are_simps_to_humans_humans_are_simps_to_cats/ (Vortonic)
%
When you put a podcast or audiobook back a bit to hear something again, 8 out of 10 times you will miss it again because you lost concentration and forgot to listen to that part.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8bk62/when_you_put_a_podcast_or_audiobook_back_a_bit_to/ (FutureSkeIeton)
%
The little warning bleep newer cars make to avoid collision could be the last lucid thing you ever hear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8agy5/the_little_warning_bleep_newer_cars_make_to_avoid/ (sstaygldn)
%
There's nothing more satisfying than finishing a work project and finally being able to close all the tabs related to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i874vr/theres_nothing_more_satisfying_than_finishing_a/ (stan849)
%
Square root of 5 rounds off to 2.236, which is a little strange as square root of 4 equals 2 and addition of 0.236 in result when only 1 is added to input... feels a bit more for a square root function

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i85xfv/square_root_of_5_rounds_off_to_2236_which_is_a/ (NeUTRON52)
%
The ignorance of status quo is increasing as we progress

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i82mw0/the_ignorance_of_status_quo_is_increasing_as_we/ (what-to-do-89)
%
A man is always told to improve himself in every aspect of his life, the same is not true for women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i80wgt/a_man_is_always_told_to_improve_himself_in_every/ (squidshead)
%
Girls yelling daddy is normal but guys yelling mommy is weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i80olx/girls_yelling_daddy_is_normal_but_guys_yelling/ (Raghav_Verma)
%
If the ocean was clear, people afraid of heights would never swim

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7yo6p/if_the_ocean_was_clear_people_afraid_of_heights/ (Jacob_Young6138)
%
Teenagers are professionals at justifying procrastination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7yo27/teenagers_are_professionals_at_justifying/ (ShenSavageJr)
%
Whistling is similar to farting if you think about. You pucker your lips in the rough shape of an ass hole and then blow wind out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7y967/whistling_is_similar_to_farting_if_you_think/ (zagacious)
%
If we ever get flying cars, it will be interesting to see if they try to implement and justify a system of air tolls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7xuq6/if_we_ever_get_flying_cars_it_will_be_interesting/ (The_Tell_Tale_Heart)
%
If you eat really quickly your Fitbit probably thinks you're working out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7xrpx/if_you_eat_really_quickly_your_fitbit_probably/ (doolargh)
%
Mental energy, like other forms of energy cannot be created or destroyed. You can't just make bad or good moods dissapear unless something changes them

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7xmhb/mental_energy_like_other_forms_of_energy_cannot/ (EnflamedHuevos)
%
Living pay check to pay check is not being able to level up

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7x6wx/living_pay_check_to_pay_check_is_not_being_able/ (moneybot13)
%
Your Phone probably has more Applications installed than your computer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7wley/your_phone_probably_has_more_applications/ (himanshu03vsk)
%
if we had an actual pandimic we would lose our shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7wedi/if_we_had_an_actual_pandimic_we_would_lose_our/ (psychosikhomie)
%
Some trees haven’t been touched by a human yet, like the top branches or leaves. You could be the first human to touch it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7w9t6/some_trees_havent_been_touched_by_a_human_yet/ (wendallbear)
%
In order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7vl49/in_order_to_fall_asleep_you_have_to_pretend_to_be/ (Anay28)
%
Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7vh8z/nothing_is_on_fire_fire_is_on_things/ (Anay28)
%
Technically, wolverine can't do any wrist movements because of the claws resting inside. He would need to take out his claws in order to move his wrists freely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7twdc/technically_wolverine_cant_do_any_wrist_movements/ (starhawk7)
%
According to the butterfly effect, your next sneeze might set off a chain of events that leads to humanity winning against a robot uprising and in a last effort to kill all the humans and take over the world, the robots will send a terminator into the past to kill you before you sneeze

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7tsx5/according_to_the_butterfly_effect_your_next/ ([deleted])
%
Every single thing bought CAN be classified as an electronic, since everthing has electrons

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7tp7k/every_single_thing_bought_can_be_classified_as_an/ (ErrorInLoadingName)
%
If genders were completely equal, women and children first wouldn‘t be valuable anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7tazb/if_genders_were_completely_equal_women_and/ (tagtikker)
%
In 1 million years, the xxi century may be part of prehistory

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7t5up/in_1_million_years_the_xxi_century_may_be_part_of/ (aggravitas)
%
You never liked a food 100% of its lifetime (unless you like shit)

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7syvc/you_never_liked_a_food_100_of_its_lifetime_unless/ (lejhindary4444)
%
If you hear the gunshot, it didn’t kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7srn6/if_you_hear_the_gunshot_it_didnt_kill_you/ (jessesaxophone)
%
Beeping out or censoring the word "f*ck" doesn't hide the vulgarity but instead emphazises it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7s94a/beeping_out_or_censoring_the_word_fck_doesnt_hide/ (RarestFlag)
%
twitter is basically shower thoughts the website

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7r1dt/twitter_is_basically_shower_thoughts_the_website/ (Tekniqly)
%
Sometime in the near future we will all be getting the same iniections

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7q44f/sometime_in_the_near_future_we_will_all_be/ ([deleted])
%
There is no Asian representation in Avatar The Last Airbender brocade Asia does not exist, only the four nations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7lz3l/there_is_no_asian_representation_in_avatar_the/ (phazitor)
%
The front of a burger is determined by the first bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7lczm/the_front_of_a_burger_is_determined_by_the_first/ (FldNtrlst)
%
Tic tacs and Kit Kat’s are opposite of each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7kv3d/tic_tacs_and_kit_kats_are_opposite_of_each_other/ (Zhiiinnaaaa)
%
Cheating is natural, We're all just selfish

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7knj9/cheating_is_natural_were_all_just_selfish/ (usernamewastaken-_-)
%
If we could somehow find a way to respawn, it would seriously damage any business dealing with keeping people healthy/alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7kl44/if_we_could_somehow_find_a_way_to_respawn_it/ (TotallyIneptWeeb)
%
There’s probably a lot of cool species that aren’t in the fossil record simply because their bodies composition wasn’t easily preserved

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7jtil/theres_probably_a_lot_of_cool_species_that_arent/ (Lowspec_Matt)
%
Trevor Noah sucks ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7jsz4/trevor_noah_sucks_ass/ (Bryftw)
%
Some conspiracy theories are done for the sole purpose of trolling

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7jat7/some_conspiracy_theories_are_done_for_the_sole/ (alandakillah123)
%
Filling a car up with gas all the way may not be wise because of the extra weight you add to it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7i52n/filling_a_car_up_with_gas_all_the_way_may_not_be/ (spatial-death)
%
Razor companies prevented a lot of horrible accidents by placing the blade horizontally and not vertically as it would look similar to a toothbrush.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7fbz5/razor_companies_prevented_a_lot_of_horrible/ (TsimBouki)
%
Cannibals would know if men's meat tastes different from women's meat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7f7or/cannibals_would_know_if_mens_meat_tastes/ (nubeals)
%
You can still wish happy birthday when you're late but you can't wish in advance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7f4rx/you_can_still_wish_happy_birthday_when_youre_late/ (hillenium)
%
The only thing worse than seeing your loved ones grow old is not getting to see your loved ones grow old

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7f4jz/the_only_thing_worse_than_seeing_your_loved_ones/ (allthekos)
%
A majority of resisting arrest was a result of cops literally murdering the suspects in the process.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7d5ax/a_majority_of_resisting_arrest_was_a_result_of/ (Black_m0ngoose)
%
Post COVID, is public supposed to just forget we are spitting on each other when we talk?

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7cxf2/post_covid_is_public_supposed_to_just_forget_we/ (Visvire)
%
Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed potatoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7cld6/your_stomach_thinks_all_potatoes_are_mashed/ (GildDigger)
%
Ditchwater is full of tiny living creatures, and is not at all dull.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7bhql/ditchwater_is_full_of_tiny_living_creatures_and/ (halpscar)
%
Mario is one of biggest simps ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7avvg/mario_is_one_of_biggest_simps_ever/ (NippleTickle10)
%
You've probably avoided death many times without knowing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i797qj/youve_probably_avoided_death_many_times_without/ (funnyguy696969)
%
Humans are planets to the microbial world that live in and on our bodies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i77aeq/humans_are_planets_to_the_microbial_world_that/ (newtypexvii17)
%
Thechnicly a 18 year old can legally adopt a 17 year old

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i76lzn/thechnicly_a_18_year_old_can_legally_adopt_a_17/ (scally_waggy)
%
Farts are ghosts of your food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i740be/farts_are_ghosts_of_your_food/ (JackGolondria)
%
All digital art is technically pixel art

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i73pdi/all_digital_art_is_technically_pixel_art/ (Sushy_647)
%
All waves seem to bread in the same direction

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i73ng1/all_waves_seem_to_bread_in_the_same_direction/ (wj7_02)
%
The Bible is the ultimate fake news.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i73mo8/the_bible_is_the_ultimate_fake_news/ (chingaloooo)
%
An average person is closer to being homeless than he is to become a millionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i71z07/an_average_person_is_closer_to_being_homeless/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
%
It's impossible to stick your tongue out while having your eyeballs looking up

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7056h/its_impossible_to_stick_your_tongue_out_while/ (Burianaboi)
%
Professional sports are the only place where throwing punches at your coworkers may not result in a court date or having to find a new job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6znvh/professional_sports_are_the_only_place_where/ (werbear40)
%
One day, GTA V will be the minigame in the loading screen of a game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6zh5w/one_day_gta_v_will_be_the_minigame_in_the_loading/ (R3dNaX7)
%
People who do great things are often people who don’t compromise their work, but the people who don’t compromise are the people who lose everyone

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6zfsi/people_who_do_great_things_are_often_people_who/ (hungrynconfused)
%
Souls carry our previous lives experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6x1fd/souls_carry_our_previous_lives_experience/ (RaveD2)
%
The grass is always greenest on your social media page.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6tp04/the_grass_is_always_greenest_on_your_social_media/ (Thereal_DE12)
%
The amount of items in an object is that objects resolution

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6t6sz/the_amount_of_items_in_an_object_is_that_objects/ (WhyYesIamHuman)
%
Keep An Eye On The UK

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6r4tz/keep_an_eye_on_the_uk/ (Spuddious)
%
Children are the worlds highest sugar consumers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6r4da/children_are_the_worlds_highest_sugar_consumers/ (greenyellowandblue)
%
Blind people are the only people who date solely based on personality

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6pji6/blind_people_are_the_only_people_who_date_solely/ (_Lzk)
%
Laxatives are a threat to the mobile gaming industry

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6pgnx/laxatives_are_a_threat_to_the_mobile_gaming/ (StormOfTheVoid)
%
"FFFFFF" in Hex color code is, "white," so when you get a bunch of people in a string pressing F to pay respects, they as a team are saying, "white," which is also a funeral color.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6p2t9/ffffff_in_hex_color_code_is_white_so_when_you_get/ (BravewardSweden)
%
Most people start and end their life on a bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6p15k/most_people_start_and_end_their_life_on_a_bed/ (actually_a_sheep)
%
Your brain is incredibly good at adjusting to talking speed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6o1l5/your_brain_is_incredibly_good_at_adjusting_to/ (Tokyo3amnightsprint)
%
The most in need for a massage is a massage therapist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6ni59/the_most_in_need_for_a_massage_is_a_massage/ (minaQ24)
%
One day, your parents kept you down and never picked you up again...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6mub7/one_day_your_parents_kept_you_down_and_never/ (ButterCup_1995)
%
Many people eat the same thing for breakfast daily, but refuse to eat the same thing for dinner two nights in a row

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6lqoi/many_people_eat_the_same_thing_for_breakfast/ (Original_Diamond_235)
%
Fish have explored more of the earth than humans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6k40n/fish_have_explored_more_of_the_earth_than_humans/ (Partnumber)
%
Prime numbers are 2, 3, 5 and the numbers that seem strange. like 7 looks stranger than 8 or 9

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6jolk/prime_numbers_are_2_3_5_and_the_numbers_that_seem/ (ruathr)
%
Strip clubs are for real life simps

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6joa1/strip_clubs_are_for_real_life_simps/ (GhzU)
%
Giants are a myth to us, but house cats really live in a world populated by felines so big that their faces are the size of a domesticated cat's entire body

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6jnni/giants_are_a_myth_to_us_but_house_cats_really/ (ChardonnayQueen)
%
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll end up in jail... if he can't afford a meal he afford a fishing license or to pay the fines for fishing without one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6jmnp/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day_teach_a/ (Some_Asshole_Said)
%
Animals probably get songs stuck in their head too

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6i6xa/animals_probably_get_songs_stuck_in_their_head_too/ (c_h_a_r_)
%
Babies are totally biodegradable

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6hcnl/babies_are_totally_biodegradable/ (cadagricomiguel)
%
Most videos online are funny until you realize whoever created them most likely took 50+ takes to get it right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6fwin/most_videos_online_are_funny_until_you_realize/ (Lukalastrat)
%
Bill GATES named his operating system WINDOWS. So it's Gates & Windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6cnag/bill_gates_named_his_operating_system_windows_so/ (Ahamdan94)
%
Pets have no clue of how spoiled they'd be if they could ask stuff.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i67acu/pets_have_no_clue_of_how_spoiled_theyd_be_if_they/ (trudel69)
%
When you scroll up the text scrolls down, when you scroll down the text scrolls up

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i675ha/when_you_scroll_up_the_text_scrolls_down_when_you/ (Desenbigh)
%
Gravity is a pervert, it’s always trying to push down your pants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i66m87/gravity_is_a_pervert_its_always_trying_to_push/ (thatrandomanimeman)
%
Bigotry is the intolerance of others opinions or views, so being intolerant of bigots is still bigotry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i65e9d/bigotry_is_the_intolerance_of_others_opinions_or/ (aallen1993)
%
People crave validation and attention, yet staring is considered rude

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i61vuq/people_crave_validation_and_attention_yet_staring/ (ARealFool)
%
Nobody really knew the lyrics of a song before the internet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i617zs/nobody_really_knew_the_lyrics_of_a_song_before/ (zeldathunder82)
%
Snow White's Breath Smelled Like Shit When She Was Kissed By The Prince

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i609b0/snow_whites_breath_smelled_like_shit_when_she_was/ (WeezerFan234)
%
The common perception is that garlic stinks, but if you add it to the food you are cooking everyone will comment on how good it smells

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5z1bv/the_common_perception_is_that_garlic_stinks_but/ (Kusioo)
%
Smurfs are blue because of veins

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5y310/smurfs_are_blue_because_of_veins/ (69confusedgeese)
%
If there was no gravity, toilets would suck

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5xtx3/if_there_was_no_gravity_toilets_would_suck/ (probook)
%
When you sleep you maybe see someone else's memory or even you're own from the future or past

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5w40t/when_you_sleep_you_maybe_see_someone_elses_memory/ (prosoldierreal)
%
If robots do take over, they are most likely going to prioritize killing gamers first since we've killed countless AI.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5t62l/if_robots_do_take_over_they_are_most_likely_going/ (Lord_Azian)
%
Internet ads that preemptively chastise you for skipping them makes it easier to decide to actually skip them

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5q6g5/internet_ads_that_preemptively_chastise_you_for/ (zipflop)
%
If you see a pretty girl at a water park, she’s actually that pretty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5o8kn/if_you_see_a_pretty_girl_at_a_water_park_shes/ (TheMaskedGeode)
%
Every dog you see in videos before the 2000s is dead...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5nhc0/every_dog_you_see_in_videos_before_the_2000s_is/ (ScratchyG)
%
Ellen Degenerate is the opposite of Gordon Ramsey. Nice on TV and horrible in reality.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5n79g/ellen_degenerate_is_the_opposite_of_gordon_ramsey/ (neroanon)
%
The person who serves a bench minor in the NHL (too many men on the ice) must be, in the coaches opinion, the most expendable player.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5lq9u/the_person_who_serves_a_bench_minor_in_the_nhl/ (Anonymous-1234567890)
%
There would be a lot less people if sex was not fun, only exercise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5lohe/there_would_be_a_lot_less_people_if_sex_was_not/ (Boss_Boggs)
%
In the future people with Alzheimer’s probably ramble about video games and horror movies from their youth, which will be kinda creepy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5lnyt/in_the_future_people_with_alzheimers_probably/ (Lum1nar)
%
All potatoes are mashed potatoes to your stomach

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5lmvn/all_potatoes_are_mashed_potatoes_to_your_stomach/ (onlycamsarez28)
%
It is impossible to do nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5l2ut/it_is_impossible_to_do_nothing/ (real_dantrm)
%
Whales must be scared of beaches in the same way we're scared of heights

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5kt31/whales_must_be_scared_of_beaches_in_the_same_way/ (FranzPorter)
%
If we also had to pick up our dogs pee, most people probably wouldn't have dogs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5jzbs/if_we_also_had_to_pick_up_our_dogs_pee_most/ (zackarylef)
%
When a married couple hit each other it's domestic abuse, but when siblings hit each other it's sibling rivalry/bonding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5jkza/when_a_married_couple_hit_each_other_its_domestic/ (-EST_19XX-)
%
When eating ribs, the ribs are actually the part you don't eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5ic86/when_eating_ribs_the_ribs_are_actually_the_part/ (Jimathay)
%
Art imitates the human perception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5i708/art_imitates_the_human_perception/ (selectmarlboro)
%
Spiders have book lungs, which technically makes them libraries

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5hj4w/spiders_have_book_lungs_which_technically_makes/ (magnament)
%
When porn stars are getting naked, they are actually getting dressed for work

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5e0tw/when_porn_stars_are_getting_naked_they_are/ (Sir_Sesh_Lord)
%
Dad humor is eventually going to be known as grandpa humor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5cgdy/dad_humor_is_eventually_going_to_be_known_as/ (justthatguyTy)
%
We are afraid of snakes because they are afraid of us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5bg8q/we_are_afraid_of_snakes_because_they_are_afraid/ (OXtelevizija)
%
If you wake up by being punched you got knocked conscious.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5a4p7/if_you_wake_up_by_being_punched_you_got_knocked/ (joshfaulk225)
%
Bill Gates could buy like so many oysters

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i59sml/bill_gates_could_buy_like_so_many_oysters/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
No one has ever looked sexy while doing the chicken dance

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i58fty/no_one_has_ever_looked_sexy_while_doing_the/ (dulcineadoll)
%
The later you stay up the earlier it gets

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i501g4/the_later_you_stay_up_the_earlier_it_gets/ (Imaginator127)
%
If you have a child with a sibling of yours, there's a chance of it becoming exactly one of your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4xbo7/if_you_have_a_child_with_a_sibling_of_yours/ (emiliokknonfake)
%
It's weird that we trust Bill Gates on anything related to the medical field, given that he has zero medical training and is a college dropout. His only "qualification" is money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4xbnx/its_weird_that_we_trust_bill_gates_on_anything/ (SnoodleBooper)
%
Mothers Day and Fathers Day only exist to congratulate parents on unprotected sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4x3xs/mothers_day_and_fathers_day_only_exist_to/ (I-like-to-eat-kids)
%
At least a few of the accused criminals on shows like dateline, 20/20, etc. are innocent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4vydc/at_least_a_few_of_the_accused_criminals_on_shows/ (Jokes-Are-Funny)
%
You can't make a transparent picture with your phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4usdg/you_cant_make_a_transparent_picture_with_your/ (nt1soc)
%
An amoeba multiplies by dividing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4tw4r/an_amoeba_multiplies_by_dividing/ (sarangifiedd)
%
Genghis Khan’s pull out game is famously weak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4tdmh/genghis_khans_pull_out_game_is_famously_weak/ (DrChumbleSpuzz)
%
Everyone is busy doing homework

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4tbus/everyone_is_busy_doing_homework/ (lambojam)
%
We can only live for a few minutes, but breathing resets the timer

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4sfv1/we_can_only_live_for_a_few_minutes_but_breathing/ (iMemegod)
%
Sometimes, when a chicken is sitting it is really laying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ryno/sometimes_when_a_chicken_is_sitting_it_is_really/ (Johnatomy)
%
Some things give nostalgia even though you don't know what the fuck is that

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4rras/some_things_give_nostalgia_even_though_you_dont/ (Artisticspawm)
%
We have been saying "Unthaw" our whole lives, when in reality "thaw" is all we need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ps6r/we_have_been_saying_unthaw_our_whole_lives_when/ (Trumpet6789)
%
roads you grew up on are seen as memories rather than a street

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4pna1/roads_you_grew_up_on_are_seen_as_memories_rather/ (holycupcakess)
%
Just imagine the sheer volume of ideas that have transpired by all of us getting lost in an open flame throughout history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4p7xd/just_imagine_the_sheer_volume_of_ideas_that_have/ (Drew286)
%
Freedom cannot be defined.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4mqp9/freedom_cannot_be_defined/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Technology is the fountain of youth. It's making us kids for longer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4l191/technology_is_the_fountain_of_youth_its_making_us/ (LtSplinter)
%
Humans would save so much water if we were all bald

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ktsb/humans_would_save_so_much_water_if_we_were_all/ (doombot9)
%
There are the same amount of numbers between one and two, and one and infinity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ko8g/there_are_the_same_amount_of_numbers_between_one/ (asianrunnerboi)
%
Not only did the brain label itself, but it came up with a label that it can dissociate itself from whenever it talks about itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4kkph/not_only_did_the_brain_label_itself_but_it_came/ (vexed_chexmix)
%
To show you how much they hate loud noises and body shaming, Planet Fitness plays the loudest noise legally permissible and shames anyone making noise at their gym.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4jrp5/to_show_you_how_much_they_hate_loud_noises_and/ (Nate_TeamBST)
%
Anything made by humans is not artificial, but natural. Since we are the product of the nature as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4je83/anything_made_by_humans_is_not_artificial_but/ (VerdGehirn)
%
Most of the people who rely on comments to buy things online, have never rated the product after buying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ghqi/most_of_the_people_who_rely_on_comments_to_buy/ (ara_bella_)
%
Saying that someone is one in a million could be a compliment or an insult

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4gh5j/saying_that_someone_is_one_in_a_million_could_be/ (TheStudyOfWombology)
%
Someone who writes “Your stupid” closes the argumentation fairly quickly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4f2vb/someone_who_writes_your_stupid_closes_the/ (Dadou02)
%
As oil makes food crispy, so too it makes them soggy

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ec7c/as_oil_makes_food_crispy_so_too_it_makes_them/ (Mr_Westerfield)
%
Make alpha go play flappy bird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4dicz/make_alpha_go_play_flappy_bird/ (jasonfromcn)
%
Most of us can't wash our back in the shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ddhk/most_of_us_cant_wash_our_back_in_the_shower/ (sksksk1989)
%
You can tell who worked in food\retail by how they treat people who work in food\retail.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4bhd3/you_can_tell_who_worked_in_foodretail_by_how_they/ (riphitter)
%
Puppets are technically alive. They have bone muscle and blood inside of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4auzf/puppets_are_technically_alive_they_have_bone/ (Chexreflect)
%
New college students don't get the Freshman-20 this year. Instead they get the Quanrantine-20.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i49eax/new_college_students_dont_get_the_freshman20_this/ (Ye_Olde_DM)
%
You take a shit...but leave it behind

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i49e3x/you_take_a_shitbut_leave_it_behind/ (Fuckinglizardking13)
%
Everything seems quieter when it's dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i48nap/everything_seems_quieter_when_its_dark/ (ddiioonnaa)
%
If vampires were to naturally exist, they would most likely be a mosquito-human hybrid

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i426h3/if_vampires_were_to_naturally_exist_they_would/ (g-prsct)
%
Donuts are sweet soft bagels.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3xnrq/donuts_are_sweet_soft_bagels/ (Lucassssyn)
%
In the Pokémon universe they discovered how to bring fossils back to life and their first thought was to give them to a 10 year old to fight with

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3uao9/in_the_pokémon_universe_they_discovered_how_to/ (Yuncus)
%
Mirors may actually be portals to another dimension, but your reflection is an asshole and will block the way

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3u3dy/mirors_may_actually_be_portals_to_another/ (YeetTime409)
%
People who say ‘Name a better duo, I’ll wait’ must either have very little confidence in the duo they’ve put forward or have no problem waiting around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3rzik/people_who_say_name_a_better_duo_ill_wait_must/ (wjb2222)
%
There is no such thing as "innocent until proven guilty" you are arrested because your guilt is suspected, cuffed and locked up until you prove your innocence. Presumed guilty until verified innocent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3rmfv/there_is_no_such_thing_as_innocent_until_proven/ (BigFeet234)
%
Things aren't the same once you realize every woman has had a penis in their mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3rkka/things_arent_the_same_once_you_realize_every/ (eldestsauce)
%
It's takes more devotion to kill for someone than to die for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3p8j8/its_takes_more_devotion_to_kill_for_someone_than/ (Jvarblow)
%
Maybe the anti-maskers just have bad breath.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3mqan/maybe_the_antimaskers_just_have_bad_breath/ (Blarnigan)
%
Maybe the past seem to be filled with magic and miracles because we live in an updating game that is fixing bugs and exploit...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3lbb6/maybe_the_past_seem_to_be_filled_with_magic_and/ (forest_faunus_)
%
The irony of people who litter is that those people are trash

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3iz84/the_irony_of_people_who_litter_is_that_those/ (Nano-75)
%
Texting is low cost telepathy

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3guf4/texting_is_low_cost_telepathy/ (Busy_Host)
%
If someone has a miscarriage, the fetus has lived for a negative amount of years

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3e2be/if_someone_has_a_miscarriage_the_fetus_has_lived/ (picklesaremen)
%
It's incredible the amount of autists here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i38d94/its_incredible_the_amount_of_autists_here/ ([deleted])
%
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a dog

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i37xdk/money_cant_buy_you_happiness_but_it_can_buy_you_a/ (Frankplane)
%
A fly swatter is the only tool you become once you pick it up

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i37c3o/a_fly_swatter_is_the_only_tool_you_become_once/ (Hector4191)
%
Master Chief might have a handlebar mustache.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i365ml/master_chief_might_have_a_handlebar_mustache/ (chiefflerpynerps)
%
You've probably had a revolutionary idea but never told anyone because of self-doubt

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i33tti/youve_probably_had_a_revolutionary_idea_but_never/ (TeoLikesReddit)
%
It’s hard to think of people on the Internet as real people

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i31fw3/its_hard_to_think_of_people_on_the_internet_as/ (shittersfull244)
%
At some point every superhero has to wage battle with himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i309b8/at_some_point_every_superhero_has_to_wage_battle/ (big_macaroons)
%
Being a very fast runner can have a big advantage in the MasterChef Kitchen

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2xtdu/being_a_very_fast_runner_can_have_a_big_advantage/ (THATguywhoisannoying)
%
Innocence is when you don't know about sexual stuff. So sexual stuff is guilty pleasure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2xg1c/innocence_is_when_you_dont_know_about_sexual/ (-DivineGod-)
%
Someone who goes to prison and then rehabilitates themself has more respect than someone who's never been arrested.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2wbdf/someone_who_goes_to_prison_and_then_rehabilitates/ (Choiceofart)
%
If you're famous for something bad, you're infamous, but for something good, you're still IN fame(ous)

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2w4ed/if_youre_famous_for_something_bad_youre_infamous/ (Amper_bam)
%
Being a paranoid schizophrenic seeking psychological help has got to be a conundrum. If you're tortured by believing people are controlling your mind, for a person's advice to improve your health, you have to accept that all peoples minds are partially controlled by other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2u1hv/being_a_paranoid_schizophrenic_seeking/ (JustBTDubs)
%
Memes are todays generations boomer comics.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2syhj/memes_are_todays_generations_boomer_comics/ (ShortOnTime4)
%
"The shit" and "shit" have opposite meanings

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2rdja/the_shit_and_shit_have_opposite_meanings/ (cadagricomiguel)
%
You have never watched a movie from start to finish completely because you had to blink

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2pamc/you_have_never_watched_a_movie_from_start_to/ (OmnitronU)
%
You as a sperm fertilizing your moms egg is the first victory royale you ever had

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2o8wl/you_as_a_sperm_fertilizing_your_moms_egg_is_the/ (sans667)
%
Cigarette companies compete with each other to see who can kill their customers faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2n2ho/cigarette_companies_compete_with_each_other_to/ (MysteriousBebsi)
%
Letting ice cubes melt in your drink seems totally different from putting water in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2mc14/letting_ice_cubes_melt_in_your_drink_seems/ (Ficino_)
%
If you’re in a basement, you’re “in Earth” but if you’re above the basement, you’re “on Earth”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2ln5h/if_youre_in_a_basement_youre_in_earth_but_if/ (catalanz)
%
Getting a wife is real life co-op mode

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2gmha/getting_a_wife_is_real_life_coop_mode/ (PlsGiveMeFood-)
%
If you think a friend disagreeing with you is beef, you really lack intellectual.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2ftbg/if_you_think_a_friend_disagreeing_with_you_is/ (zyazzog)
%
Somewhere in the world lies someone who has tried everything possible to become popular, but failed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2f1q3/somewhere_in_the_world_lies_someone_who_has_tried/ (TeaReim)
%
Men typically like to sit down when they have the option to, except when going pee, they prefer to stand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2eknc/men_typically_like_to_sit_down_when_they_have_the/ (Rbk_3)
%
At some point, you stop being a baby/toddler/child/teen, but once you’re an adult, that’s what you are for the rest of your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2e4ys/at_some_point_you_stop_being_a/ (cuppa-confusion)
%
Furniture just changes the level of the floor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2ccq8/furniture_just_changes_the_level_of_the_floor/ (lolTurDy)
%
It takes two to argue

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2b68j/it_takes_two_to_argue/ (exoduscv)
%
Eyes are the universe looking at itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2b68i/eyes_are_the_universe_looking_at_itself/ (papapikey)
%
The old you is younger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i294dk/the_old_you_is_younger/ (Serieve)
%
We lower the volume of music in cars to see better or when we're lost

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2765x/we_lower_the_volume_of_music_in_cars_to_see/ (going-on-empty)
%
People who enjoy having more birthdays live longer

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i25xri/people_who_enjoy_having_more_birthdays_live_longer/ (officiakimkardashian)
%
The human memory is so bad, we need recaps for TV shows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i25ex6/the_human_memory_is_so_bad_we_need_recaps_for_tv/ (Micro_nin)
%
There was probably an Einstein of cavemen

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i24g93/there_was_probably_an_einstein_of_cavemen/ (JomadoSumabi)
%
There are only two possible outcomes to meeting someone: they kill you or they don't

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i21pf8/there_are_only_two_possible_outcomes_to_meeting/ (StrangePolarBear)
%
One day it will be an honor to meet a black person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i20ueg/one_day_it_will_be_an_honor_to_meet_a_black_person/ (lowblast)
%
Rent is a tax that poor people pay to rich people for the right to live in society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1ygm5/rent_is_a_tax_that_poor_people_pay_to_rich_people/ (hellhathnomercy)
%
Wives of criminals can confront their husbands on their deepest crimes with no physical power or protection but trust in their stare to be left untouched, and it works

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1xhup/wives_of_criminals_can_confront_their_husbands_on/ (rifleman209)
%
dnd must be pretty boring in a universe like Game Of Throne or Lord Of The Ring

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1x3r9/dnd_must_be_pretty_boring_in_a_universe_like_game/ (BipolarWolf44)
%
"Slow and steady wins the race" works for a lot of things but not in an actual race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1vto9/slow_and_steady_wins_the_race_works_for_a_lot_of/ (Snewicman)
%
Extensive lists of foods that are toxic to animals really prove how insanely adaptive the human digestive system is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1v0rr/extensive_lists_of_foods_that_are_toxic_to/ (AllBadAnswers)
%
We use Q-tips for ears, never for our noses

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1us4n/we_use_qtips_for_ears_never_for_our_noses/ (rover321)
%
Consciousness is the aiming device attached to an observer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1u745/consciousness_is_the_aiming_device_attached_to_an/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Cigarette companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their future customers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1teks/cigarette_companies_kill_their_best_customers_and/ (MrBoiPjay)
%
You will never find out how your Death Certificate will look like

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1p6b3/you_will_never_find_out_how_your_death/ (TeaReim)
%
K is one of the most reactive elements and K is the least reactive reply to a text

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1nyqt/k_is_one_of_the_most_reactive_elements_and_k_is/ (Tis_CaptainDeadpool)
%
"Never Gonna Give You Up" doesn't have 1 billion views, despite its immense popularity, because people tend to only watch the first few seconds before realizing they've been set up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1k0p4/never_gonna_give_you_up_doesnt_have_1_billion/ (MarvelGeek5321)
%
Amusement parks would sound terrifying without music

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1jdup/amusement_parks_would_sound_terrifying_without/ (34345mail)
%
Due to Earth’s rotation, nobody has actually been at a complete standstill

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1ijdw/due_to_earths_rotation_nobody_has_actually_been/ (delishousmemes)
%
Take off your clothes sounds more sexual than get naked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1hiwr/take_off_your_clothes_sounds_more_sexual_than_get/ (mcpollo432)
%
Supposedly lawless areas often seem to have more restrictions and laws than lawful places.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1gcml/supposedly_lawless_areas_often_seem_to_have_more/ (UnknownSubmarine)
%
Most people could identify an artificial fruit flavor more quickly than they could identify a real fruit flavor

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1gcmj/most_people_could_identify_an_artificial_fruit/ (Verymoreish2000)
%
Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly coming to a stop, that’s what gets you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1fkp4/speed_has_never_killed_anyone_suddenly_coming_to/ (PICKLEOFDOOOM)
%
Car dealerships are MLMs for men.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1f63l/car_dealerships_are_mlms_for_men/ (songofsuccubus)
%
Everything is salty to fish and they don't even know it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1f4mu/everything_is_salty_to_fish_and_they_dont_even/ (FairlyCharming)
%
Not all fish know that they're wet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1eewm/not_all_fish_know_that_theyre_wet/ (firegate2233)
%
You know, procrastination starts with "pro" ... don't see a "con" in there. Everyone who told us procrastination was bad obviously didn't weigh the pros and cons.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1a1ym/you_know_procrastination_starts_with_pro_dont_see/ (subbylittlepuppy)
%
Far into the future will all races be gone and everyone will be mixed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i19prg/far_into_the_future_will_all_races_be_gone_and/ (GlennPurpleLeauge)
%
You can tell a lot about a couple’s relationship by watching them walk together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i18g7j/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_couples_relationship/ (GentleLion2Tigress)
%
Inspector Gadget is probably great in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i182d9/inspector_gadget_is_probably_great_in_bed/ (the_trappster)
%
Saying chicken breasts is all fine and dandy but saying chicken boobs isn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i14iue/saying_chicken_breasts_is_all_fine_and_dandy_but/ (Tom2Tom2005)
%
The Popular/Trending on Netfix category keeps getting worse and worse as people run out of actual good content to watch

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i129mr/the_populartrending_on_netfix_category_keeps/ (spotthehoodedfang)
%
When you're a kid, your parents get embarrassed by how you act at restaurants. When you're older, you get embarrassed by how your parents act at restaurants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i11oh3/when_youre_a_kid_your_parents_get_embarrassed_by/ (Dilcher)
%
The pandemic has really changed social norms. I’d rather fart than sneeze or cough in public

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i111g3/the_pandemic_has_really_changed_social_norms_id/ (spoople11)
%
The only thing worse than finding your mom's dildo is finding your dad's dildo

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i10n4p/the_only_thing_worse_than_finding_your_moms_dildo/ (TheyCallMeDrAsshole)
%
If you were truly immortal, eventually the only thing that you would truly care about having is death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0zmk3/if_you_were_truly_immortal_eventually_the_only/ (acadoe)
%
Fire escapes probably aren't used to escape fires as much as people think.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0z0vw/fire_escapes_probably_arent_used_to_escape_fires/ (Fireflyfever)
%
The average number on the number line is infinitely long

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0yjby/the_average_number_on_the_number_line_is/ (Y0urs1lv3rch1ld)
%
Eventually, Bruce Wayne will be portrayed as a trillionaire.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0y45b/eventually_bruce_wayne_will_be_portrayed_as_a/ (thrill_gates)
%
Everything is BigFoot, if you’re an Idiot

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0xesx/everything_is_bigfoot_if_youre_an_idiot/ (van217)
%
It’s impossible to think “uhhhhh” whole closing your lips

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0x0db/its_impossible_to_think_uhhhhh_whole_closing_your/ (Pianomann69)
%
Adding "not clickbait!" to a link's title makes it more clickbaity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0wwq3/adding_not_clickbait_to_a_links_title_makes_it/ (Nukemarine)
%
We don't find our own farts more bearable because they smell any more appealing, it's simply the knowledge that it came from your own asshole that is comforting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0v6vj/we_dont_find_our_own_farts_more_bearable_because/ (MooseInNoose)
%
A person who studies a second language enough to become fluent in it probably understands how the language functions at a basic level much better than a lot of native speakers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0uajl/a_person_who_studies_a_second_language_enough_to/ (arcsin1323)
%
FOREVER is a variable until the universe reaches the end.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0uahc/forever_is_a_variable_until_the_universe_reaches/ (PhD3DP)
%
All lives really do matter, though.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0u6ym/all_lives_really_do_matter_though/ (extrahate)
%
If you're trying to beat an AI, you must remember that AI's have the mind of children

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0tw0a/if_youre_trying_to_beat_an_ai_you_must_remember/ (BeyndThRainbowForest)
%
There almost definitely were old men after Prohibition was repealed who complained that liquor was never the same as it was back in the old times and all the young people were lightweights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0tgqw/there_almost_definitely_were_old_men_after/ (Zebra-Pantz)
%
There almost definitely were old men after Prohibition was repealed who complained that liquor was never the same as it was back in the old times and all the young people were lightweights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0tgkh/there_almost_definitely_were_old_men_after/ (Zebra-Pantz)
%
If you are ugly, you are ugly, don't talk about inner beauty, men don't carry x-rays, to see your inner beauty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0t96l/if_you_are_ugly_you_are_ugly_dont_talk_about/ (xcres)
%
Any art you make can be a "self portrait" if you just don't give a f*ck

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0t6yj/any_art_you_make_can_be_a_self_portrait_if_you/ (GlutonForPUNishment)
%
Women can get casual sex pretty easily but struggle to find someone who wants to be in a committed relationship but men struggle to get casual sex and find it easier to be in a committed relationship.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0t41p/women_can_get_casual_sex_pretty_easily_but/ (moefromcompton)
%
You pass your death anniversary every year without knowing

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0t00f/you_pass_your_death_anniversary_every_year/ (Oyounes)
%
In 50 years, Instead of colourising black and white photos, we’ll be removing filters to reveal the “original” photo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0szt7/in_50_years_instead_of_colourising_black_and/ (haveyoureddit-)
%
"Ah ha" moments usually occur in the shower, because that is when people are not distracted by technology.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0ryez/ah_ha_moments_usually_occur_in_the_shower_because/ (mr_dopi)
%
You never see neighbors bringing in groceries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rtp6/you_never_see_neighbors_bringing_in_groceries/ (Winnie70823)
%
A super-intelligent AI would probably see Chess as intellectually pointless as we see Tic-Tac-Toe

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rtne/a_superintelligent_ai_would_probably_see_chess_as/ (emanserua)
%
A fort made of pillows are cozy, a room with padded walls is the opposite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rtas/a_fort_made_of_pillows_are_cozy_a_room_with/ (Mild_Savage)
%
If moths like light so much, why do they only come out at night

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rt1z/if_moths_like_light_so_much_why_do_they_only_come/ ([deleted])
%
Everyone thinks their sexual desires are so taboo or unusual when in reality it is probably one of the most common shared traits amongst people

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rsml/everyone_thinks_their_sexual_desires_are_so_taboo/ (harris_music)
%
It sucks to have a wet dream and not remember any of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rrfm/it_sucks_to_have_a_wet_dream_and_not_remember_any/ (SaintMuffins)
%
Anyone who laughs when they are happy about something (as opposed to just when something is funny) is evil

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rpuz/anyone_who_laughs_when_they_are_happy_about/ (Mikeg90805)
%
Your face wash is also your hand wash.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rptc/your_face_wash_is_also_your_hand_wash/ (ruchirguitar)
%
The surest sign that there is intelligent life out there is that they didn’t come to visit us

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0r8jz/the_surest_sign_that_there_is_intelligent_life/ (Soulsborne28)
%
If you post awards are useless, chances are you will get a shit ton of awards

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0pvsf/if_you_post_awards_are_useless_chances_are_you/ (littlefire248)
%
It's impossible to not have any accent. It just depends on where you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0ps5h/its_impossible_to_not_have_any_accent_it_just/ (YellowMenace123)
%
Apes don't have feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0nbch/apes_dont_have_feet/ (BasicRedditor1997)
%
Sometimes you look back on how you became friends with a certain person and can't remember anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0k6aw/sometimes_you_look_back_on_how_you_became_friends/ (MythicalHorse)
%
The last day of your life won't be 24 hours long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0k1zn/the_last_day_of_your_life_wont_be_24_hours_long/ (vasir23)
%
Parents really hate peppa pig

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0h6sn/parents_really_hate_peppa_pig/ (joaaaaaannnofdarc)
%
There’s a finite amount of flavors of food your tongue can produce.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0h18u/theres_a_finite_amount_of_flavors_of_food_your/ (itsmiichristine)
%
"Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0gaqf/go_to_bed_youll_feel_better_in_the_morning_is_the/ (KeyboardCranberry)
%
The word extraordinary is weird, because if you break it up it’s just extra ordinary and what’s so special about extra ordinary, if something was extra ordinary wouldn’t it be less special

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0g2mr/the_word_extraordinary_is_weird_because_if_you/ (WarsawWarHero)
%
People can't stand being in a wheel chair

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0dc15/people_cant_stand_being_in_a_wheel_chair/ (DuckOH33)
%
People wouldn't mind mosquitoes as much if their bites weren't so damn itchy

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d8rf/people_wouldnt_mind_mosquitoes_as_much_if_their/ (iRonicH15)
%
If you are in an accident shortly after donating blood, bleeding out could be an issue

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d7wx/if_you_are_in_an_accident_shortly_after_donating/ (cryptoxbc)
%
The fact that we have such a strong sense such as tasting is mind blowing. There's flavors that you haven't tasted before; possibly billions. You probably haven't tasted your favorite food yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d7r5/the_fact_that_we_have_such_a_strong_sense_such_as/ (ProktosRS)
%
All Guns are holy, because they always make holes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d6m9/all_guns_are_holy_because_they_always_make_holes/ (zrndo)
%
Probably Most people who post showers thoughts, aren’t thoughts they had while showering

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d6m6/probably_most_people_who_post_showers_thoughts/ (Tachanka_Main_)
%
Someone could confess to murder on a comment and we’d think it’s a joke.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d65o/someone_could_confess_to_murder_on_a_comment_and/ (KushiroCarjis)
%
Toyota sells their cars to people that don’t particularly care about cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d5yg/toyota_sells_their_cars_to_people_that_dont/ (lachlan-mattinson)
%
You aren’t paid according to how hard you work, but according to how hard you are to replace

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d5qe/you_arent_paid_according_to_how_hard_you_work_but/ ([deleted])
%
The Force is the true enemy of all people in the Star Wars universe. The constant struggle to find balance has led to nigh on endless suffering for all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d5n1/the_force_is_the_true_enemy_of_all_people_in_the/ (Bigvynee)
%
Throwing up a little bit in your mouth is the mouth version of a shart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i09d9m/throwing_up_a_little_bit_in_your_mouth_is_the/ (AceMcClean)
%
If there is a creator of the universe then scientists in fields such as physics or biology are reverse engineers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i099by/if_there_is_a_creator_of_the_universe_then/ (dontfactcheckthis)
%
Due To How Procrastination Works, If you have something to do on your mind. Your brain immediately goes to do something else, take that to your advantage, like go to do laundry or get your work done, than when you're done with everything else, all you have to do is finish your work.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i093k3/due_to_how_procrastination_works_if_you_have/ (Nagragatzi)
%
The word “bed” looks like a bed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i093ef/the_word_bed_looks_like_a_bed/ (Buck_Morrison88)
%
Being dissapointed at only getting 9 chicken nuggets at mcdonalds is the definition of first world problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i091nb/being_dissapointed_at_only_getting_9_chicken/ (BigNibbaSucc)
%
Scott Pilgrim was the only normal one

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i06p3a/scott_pilgrim_was_the_only_normal_one/ (Shaggywaffle)
%
If milk always curdles in our stomach

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i06ev9/if_milk_always_curdles_in_our_stomach/ (APersonWhomReddits)
%
Denying Evolution is the same as saying kids don’t take after their parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i06ao5/denying_evolution_is_the_same_as_saying_kids_dont/ (stefan715)
%
By eating a pretzel stick you are eating a tiny loaf of bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i063ic/by_eating_a_pretzel_stick_you_are_eating_a_tiny/ (Jett728)
%
‘Y’ rhymes with ‘alibi’ but not ‘ugly’

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i061hs/y_rhymes_with_alibi_but_not_ugly/ (forevereverforeverev)
%
If all life on Earth is part of the tree of life then we are all cannibals

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i060lk/if_all_life_on_earth_is_part_of_the_tree_of_life/ (Fuckyousantorum)
%
Don't half-ass anything. Whole-ass everything.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05rnr/dont_halfass_anything_wholeass_everything/ (clairsentientbeing)
%
Anti-maskers are probably also anti-condom

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05rcr/antimaskers_are_probably_also_anticondom/ (doggolover482)
%
To an extraterrestrial observer looking at earth, technology would appear to be part of the “natural world”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05rbm/to_an_extraterrestrial_observer_looking_at_earth/ (harris_music)
%
The world will probably never be fully inhabited since there are people living on the ISS

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05r7b/the_world_will_probably_never_be_fully_inhabited/ (CoffeeDepresso)
%
Porn is the only movie genre we can watch without sound and it doesn't bother us.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05p5u/porn_is_the_only_movie_genre_we_can_watch_without/ (Wraith305)
%
If the Jedi just sent someone to check on Anakin's mom then Star Wars likely wouldn't have happened.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05knf/if_the_jedi_just_sent_someone_to_check_on_anakins/ (JayNotAtAll)
%
There's no use of video calling John Cena.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05iyw/theres_no_use_of_video_calling_john_cena/ (headlight_)
%
There's probably a bang bros and a fake taxi car in the Cars Universe

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05gtc/theres_probably_a_bang_bros_and_a_fake_taxi_car/ (TheTrainDogFox)
%
Spiders catch bugs with webs made of digested bugs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05fnl/spiders_catch_bugs_with_webs_made_of_digested_bugs/ (YourMrFahrenheit)
%
People need to start reading signs or we'll be literally and figuratively going nowhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05e78/people_need_to_start_reading_signs_or_well_be/ (solemnversifier)
%
It is obvious fidget spinners were going to fall out of favor due to their target demographic

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05cmb/it_is_obvious_fidget_spinners_were_going_to_fall/ (zekesnack)
%
You can travel in a West or East direction forever, but you can only go so far North or South.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05bys/you_can_travel_in_a_west_or_east_direction/ (CyberOGa3)
%
There are many Einstein’s out there. They just haven’t been given the opportunity to be caught in the perfect storm of circumstance, to be activated to their full potential.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05ak7/there_are_many_einsteins_out_there_they_just/ (pixel-destroyer)
%
Some people take drugs to hallucinate while others take drugs to stop hallucinations

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i056xv/some_people_take_drugs_to_hallucinate_while/ (npoundfoolish)
%
Most people go their entire lives without their asscheeks being remotely suntanned even once.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0548k/most_people_go_their_entire_lives_without_their/ (Naive-Site)
%
Condoms try to prevent future customers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i053yr/condoms_try_to_prevent_future_customers/ (FrostlessIce)
%
We rarely appreciate our memories until memories are all we have left.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i052d1/we_rarely_appreciate_our_memories_until_memories/ (Con-D-Oriano1)
%
People take drugs or alcohol through all the holes in the body except the ear.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i051wd/people_take_drugs_or_alcohol_through_all_the/ (Noob2point0)
%
John Williams is 88 years old. The impact his death will have on the film industry will be tragic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04xsb/john_williams_is_88_years_old_the_impact_his/ (litttlefang)
%
Pornstar's must love when people compliment their personalities

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04wo6/pornstars_must_love_when_people_compliment_their/ (Aydenlebron24)
%
The person who invented toothpaste was fed up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04skk/the_person_who_invented_toothpaste_was_fed_up/ (illszn)
%
A lot more people probably realize how much their breath stinks throughout the day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04rhj/a_lot_more_people_probably_realize_how_much_their/ (yellowstickypad)
%
The movie “The Joker” taught us that we are all clowns

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04r3z/the_movie_the_joker_taught_us_that_we_are_all/ (Tight-Relative)
%
You’ll be dead for way longer than you’ll be alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i041wz/youll_be_dead_for_way_longer_than_youll_be_alive/ (JuniperXL)
%
The ability to play albums and playlist in a random order is fairly recent

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i041rm/the_ability_to_play_albums_and_playlist_in_a/ (loutreman99)
%
You are what you eat, unless you're bitten by a vampire. Then you are what eats you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i03977/you_are_what_you_eat_unless_youre_bitten_by_a/ (Moody_Tuna)
%
In a sense, a singer writing a song about their sufferings is the next level of capitalism.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i028cz/in_a_sense_a_singer_writing_a_song_about_their/ (RodzRodzRodz)
%
If sugаr tastеd wоrse, оbеsity ratеs would bе lоwer bеcause peоple wоuld consumе lеss оf it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i01jwu/if_sugаr_tastеd_wоrse_оbеsity_ratеs_would_bе/ (frdesrepr)
%
Someome is the dumbest person alive and noone knows who it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i00z6w/someome_is_the_dumbest_person_alive_and_noone/ (NoUsernameIdea22)
%
You don't need to see trash twice to know it's unsightly

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzv2hl/you_dont_need_to_see_trash_twice_to_know_its/ (uncomplacentsturgeon)
%
Taking out every hot pocket from the box before leaving is hot pocket roulette

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hztyy3/taking_out_every_hot_pocket_from_the_box_before/ (IAmARedditComment)
%
Your 'one that got away' might consider you to be the 'bullet they dodged.'

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzswsh/your_one_that_got_away_might_consider_you_to_be/ (Shermutt)
%
The highest honor in journalism is being murdered by the CIA.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzsvni/the_highest_honor_in_journalism_is_being_murdered/ (Riclon)
%
"UFO" is often used to identify an unidentified flying object.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzrtn4/ufo_is_often_used_to_identify_an_unidentified/ (AtomicRadiation)
%
Making fun of people faking depression could actually give them depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzquoh/making_fun_of_people_faking_depression_could/ (FloatingPebbles)
%
We’re all just being carried by the currents of spacetime on the surface of a cosmic sea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzqlhg/were_all_just_being_carried_by_the_currents_of/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
The reason you never see any yellow cherries in shops is because people in the past thought they were not ripe yet and they preferred red ones instead of the yellow ones, otherwise we could have had yellow cherries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzok7l/the_reason_you_never_see_any_yellow_cherries_in/ (FeelingDesigner)
%
A good death is it’s own reward

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzodup/a_good_death_is_its_own_reward/ (yashas000)
%
Some of us have to pay extra to see life in HD

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzo8z2/some_of_us_have_to_pay_extra_to_see_life_in_hd/ (ElBrando18)
%
Even though they have no correlation whatsoever, Multiplication Table of Ten and Sunday feel the exact same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzlsxb/even_though_they_have_no_correlation_whatsoever/ (Pxlkit)
%
Your belly button is your old mouth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzl3m4/your_belly_button_is_your_old_mouth/ (impunto)
%
Human urine could visibly pass as being movie theater popcorn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzkzs3/human_urine_could_visibly_pass_as_being_movie/ (aquaticunicorn666)
%
Salads with croutons are, by composition, roughly-chopped sandwiches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzkhr1/salads_with_croutons_are_by_composition/ (kektato)
%
Straight to streaming services is the new straight to dvd

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzja06/straight_to_streaming_services_is_the_new/ (ggus2003)
%
“Good Morning” and “Good Afternoon” are really only used as introduction greetings while “Good Night” is really only used as an ending salutation

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzhlr2/good_morning_and_good_afternoon_are_really_only/ (CubbieBear1017)
%
You could be immortal

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzfmh9/you_could_be_immortal/ (PancakeEater0829)
%
It's technically impossible to not have a first memory, yet somehow most of us don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzfdii/its_technically_impossible_to_not_have_a_first/ (koleslaw)
%
If you win a million dollars, you're only a millionaire until you spend any of the money.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzez6f/if_you_win_a_million_dollars_youre_only_a/ (EdBeMe77)
%
Stories that start with "No fake!" are usually fake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzel69/stories_that_start_with_no_fake_are_usually_fake/ (ringoron9)
%
Can i not go on the streets if no one is there?

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzeh77/can_i_not_go_on_the_streets_if_no_one_is_there/ (vinayak_immortal)
%
Growing up is realising that a big chunk of characters from your childhood look creepy as hell.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzdrvk/growing_up_is_realising_that_a_big_chunk_of/ (Flame-Blast)
%
If a guitar and a piano had a baby, it would probably sound like a harp.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzdr52/if_a_guitar_and_a_piano_had_a_baby_it_would/ (alchemischief)
%
Fact is nobody wants the truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzcyef/fact_is_nobody_wants_the_truth/ (Fazlul101)
%
Tall people are more likely to get cancer because they have more cells

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzb1f8/tall_people_are_more_likely_to_get_cancer_because/ (garancebosc)
%
There can be a planet in the universe where humans grow from the soil heads down like a trees, and when they are fully grown, they widely spread their legs left and right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz8jc2/there_can_be_a_planet_in_the_universe_where/ (irecognizedyou)
%
Looks matter is such an ugly truth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz7tr0/looks_matter_is_such_an_ugly_truth/ (Nav_the_gamer)
%
You never see a mirror. Only the things reflected in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz74kj/you_never_see_a_mirror_only_the_things_reflected/ (romanrambler941)
%
We tell kids they look older than they are and adults that they look younger than they are so they both feel better about themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz6vgl/we_tell_kids_they_look_older_than_they_are_and/ (McCreeMain77)
%
There's nothing worse than having an eyelash in your eye while handcuffed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz6aar/theres_nothing_worse_than_having_an_eyelash_in/ (coming4)
%
It’s incredibly arrogant of humankind to be crowning a Mr. or Miss Universe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz4vby/its_incredibly_arrogant_of_humankind_to_be/ (mikebwn_80)
%
Mute people are probably awesome at charades.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz3m4p/mute_people_are_probably_awesome_at_charades/ (NightMonkey2099)
%
Maybe debate clubs are so popular because they're just really good at convincing people to join

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz2jnn/maybe_debate_clubs_are_so_popular_because_theyre/ (caschrock)
%
Google knows more of you than the FBI

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz22wc/google_knows_more_of_you_than_the_fbi/ (RandomGamer10000)
%
The word Night writen "N8" works for many Languages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz20qw/the_word_night_writen_n8_works_for_many_languages/ (BBlocks0)
%
When you wake up from a dream about falling, you’re “falling awake”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyz8yb/when_you_wake_up_from_a_dream_about_falling_youre/ (rob_macabre)
%
If it wasn't for Corona Virus, I probably would have gone my entire life without knowing there was a city called Wuhan.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyz3ky/if_it_wasnt_for_corona_virus_i_probably_would/ (Anxious_Try)
%
Your smartphone is more advanced than the tech that landed a spaceship on the moon. Technically, your phone can land on the moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyyju7/your_smartphone_is_more_advanced_than_the_tech/ (FifteenCentimeters)
%
If you pet an animal with your foot, the animal probably doesn't care because it doesn't know that a human using their foot is weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyyjcw/if_you_pet_an_animal_with_your_foot_the_animal/ (Wiiga_200)
%
You know something is truly lost when you move and you still can’t find it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyxoks/you_know_something_is_truly_lost_when_you_move/ (Imsosadsoveryverysad)
%
Bill Burr will someday star in the remake of Curb Your Enthusiasm

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyww8a/bill_burr_will_someday_star_in_the_remake_of_curb/ (sanjister)
%
Socks are portable carpets

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyv4if/socks_are_portable_carpets/ (garnt311)
%
There’s no such thing as indoor plants because all plants are outdoor plants

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyumbr/theres_no_such_thing_as_indoor_plants_because_all/ (Vivadis)
%
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyuf8o/everything_is_a_boomerang_if_you_throw_it_upwards/ (blauwbeer)
%
One reason why losers aren't invited to school reunions is so the other former students can trade stories on how much of a loser they were

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyu960/one_reason_why_losers_arent_invited_to_school/ (jsmitter)
%
The roof of your mouth is more of a ceiling.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyu8df/the_roof_of_your_mouth_is_more_of_a_ceiling/ ([deleted])
%
Really, ALL pets are "emotional support animals."

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyt8ka/really_all_pets_are_emotional_support_animals/ (YanniRotten)
%
The universe can be miniaturizing with every second and we would never be able to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyrfgn/the_universe_can_be_miniaturizing_with_every/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
One day we will find out that our universe isn’t the center of existence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyrapx/one_day_we_will_find_out_that_our_universe_isnt/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Dogs are afraid of thunder because the thunder might be saying something to the dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyq5nx/dogs_are_afraid_of_thunder_because_the_thunder/ (CaptainUniverse567)
%
We all hold a world record. It's just a matter of realizing what it is and making it official.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyp834/we_all_hold_a_world_record_its_just_a_matter_of/ (Some-Specie)
%
"Because why not" and "because hell yes" are perfectly valid reasons to do things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyn8i2/because_why_not_and_because_hell_yes_are/ (starflashfairy)
%
If ignorance is bliss then why are all of you assholes depressed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hymnyy/if_ignorance_is_bliss_then_why_are_all_of_you/ (yo__mamas__fat__ass)
%
It is horrifying for bones to be sticking out of your body, but when we smile we show off 32 of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hymjrs/it_is_horrifying_for_bones_to_be_sticking_out_of/ (HerrVerruckt)
%
You hear your voice before other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hymhzk/you_hear_your_voice_before_other_people/ (selectmarlboro)
%
If you’re a parent and you do what makes you happy, your kids will find you interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hymgma/if_youre_a_parent_and_you_do_what_makes_you_happy/ (mrewlsn)
%
A cheese sandwich doesn’t sound that appealing, until you “grill” it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyl26b/a_cheese_sandwich_doesnt_sound_that_appealing/ (SlamCakeMasta)
%
Your organs are always working the night shift.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyhrwk/your_organs_are_always_working_the_night_shift/ (coming4)
%
Gold is worth more than platinum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyh140/gold_is_worth_more_than_platinum/ (ivanbamarni)
%
Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually die and turn into nutrients for their consumption purposes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hygwfx/maybe_plants_are_really_farming_us_giving_us/ (PhatomPhat)
%
A fat man's worst nightmare is a "food fight" all that food going uneaten!

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hygv8f/a_fat_mans_worst_nightmare_is_a_food_fight_all/ (coming4)
%
Birds might not actually be singing rather they're screaming because they're scared of heights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyfp8m/birds_might_not_actually_be_singing_rather_theyre/ (Corny_on_the_cob)
%
You only realize how disgusting brushing your teeth is when you brush them with no toothpaste

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyey83/you_only_realize_how_disgusting_brushing_your/ (forheadbroccoli)
%
We put delicious stuff on our bread, only for it to end up on the other side of the tongue, where our taste buds are

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyavu9/we_put_delicious_stuff_on_our_bread_only_for_it/ (DSBM00)
%
Articles about topics you aren't familiar with are informative. Articles about topics you ARE familiar with are full of shit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyac6m/articles_about_topics_you_arent_familiar_with_are/ (GreenTeaOnMyDesk)
%
Wishing that everyone did the minimum of their work is already wishing for an utopia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hya0fh/wishing_that_everyone_did_the_minimum_of_their/ (Feuershark)
%
As opposed to the end credits scene, the entire movie is the beginning credits scene

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy9e3b/as_opposed_to_the_end_credits_scene_the_entire/ (MetamorphicRock)
%
A butterfly during childhood is technically a butterwalk

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy98wi/a_butterfly_during_childhood_is_technically_a/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
%
If you peel and eat a banana without anyone else witnessing it you are the only person to ever have seen the inside of that banana.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy8fv6/if_you_peel_and_eat_a_banana_without_anyone_else/ (southwoodhunter)
%
You aren't afraid of heights, you're afraid of falling from heights.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy897k/you_arent_afraid_of_heights_youre_afraid_of/ (D_nzz)
%
when eating a flavoured banana foods, it taste more banana than the banana itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy7dm7/when_eating_a_flavoured_banana_foods_it_taste/ (SynxRow)
%
A bing is technically a kettle

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy7axp/a_bing_is_technically_a_kettle/ (sohan4514)
%
All animals are sinners, because all of them have premarital sex.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy788x/all_animals_are_sinners_because_all_of_them_have/ (TotallyNormalGuy69)
%
People that do dangerous jobs have resigned to the fact that money is more important than their life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy6snf/people_that_do_dangerous_jobs_have_resigned_to/ (puzh_buttonz)
%
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy6s10/its_a_recession_when_your_neighbor_loses_his_job/ (Karpukoly)
%
Human intelligence and human ignorance are the two largest threats to the Earth as a whole

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy68n7/human_intelligence_and_human_ignorance_are_the/ (Henroriro_XIV)
%
In harry potter, if you can rap you can dual-wield wands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy57lv/in_harry_potter_if_you_can_rap_you_can_dualwield/ (zuwiboiii)
%
You can space Aslong in either one of two ways; As long or A slong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy4vey/you_can_space_aslong_in_either_one_of_two_ways_as/ (ohnoIgotaDisease)
%
Batman’s family picture could be a selfie

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy3vor/batmans_family_picture_could_be_a_selfie/ (jarvis_mark1)
%
La Croix is what happens when TV static becomes a flavored drink

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy2chn/la_croix_is_what_happens_when_tv_static_becomes_a/ (AJHussein)
%
Sex toys in the ToyStory universe also came alive when humans weren't alive! That includes butplugs and talking fleshlights

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy22rq/sex_toys_in_the_toystory_universe_also_came_alive/ (booboo_baabaa)
%
If you agree to watch a movie that a friend really wants to show you, then barely pay attention, your a douchebag to the max

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy0mnk/if_you_agree_to_watch_a_movie_that_a_friend/ (NareFare)
%
The scariest thought about being alone somewhere is that you might not actually be alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxzuer/the_scariest_thought_about_being_alone_somewhere/ (ShadyRAV3N)
%
wish we could change our red dit usernames

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxyye8/wish_we_could_change_our_red_dit_usernames/ (Zaydh)
%
The RSFSR is a palindrome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxytfh/the_rsfsr_is_a_palindrome/ (RyTheRedZombie)
%
The entire Sims franchise ignores the existence of power outlets and the annoyance of them not being where you need them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxymvw/the_entire_sims_franchise_ignores_the_existence/ (ashton_coocher)
%
Most people havent seen an empty pen in person

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxxk63/most_people_havent_seen_an_empty_pen_in_person/ (Kamichu1)
%
If you accidentally break the portal in the nether you'll be stuck there forever

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxwuyt/if_you_accidentally_break_the_portal_in_the/ (fuckwhoeverreported)
%
The Mario games are about taking performance enhancing drugs whilst you defeat your enemies by causing them traumatic brain injuries and/or throwing them at others or into lava.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxvsuw/the_mario_games_are_about_taking_performance/ (DemRKO)
%
All potatoes are mashed potatoes to your stomach.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxuw39/all_potatoes_are_mashed_potatoes_to_your_stomach/ (appleijunkie)
%
Before the ability to record your own voice, people can go their entire lives without knowing what they really sounded like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxue2i/before_the_ability_to_record_your_own_voice/ (ChungS_)
%
There are some plants have eaten more meat than some humans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxua8j/there_are_some_plants_have_eaten_more_meat_than/ (jan_pi_lili_sona)
%
Sometime in the history of humanity, someone probably looked at the sky, towards a star 100 million light-years away and saw a single photon that bounced off an exoplanet 100 million years ago after bouncing off a dinosaur on Earth 200 million years ago. And they didn't realize it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu79t/sometime_in_the_history_of_humanity_someone/ (EverythingIsFlotsam)
%
If we found a way to send a Camera into deep space faster that the speed of light, and have it transmit the image. We can watch real life movies of the craziest shit that happened throughout history.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu50m/if_we_found_a_way_to_send_a_camera_into_deep/ (BlueBoyKP)
%
There could be another universe entirely made of anti-matter where anti-humans where researching a way to make matter and don't know that there's an entire other universe made of that and that same universe (our universe) has a chance of colliding with their anti-universe polverising themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu4dz/there_could_be_another_universe_entirely_made_of/ (SAMMYLOSKY)
%
Having 5 to 10 percent left on a phone feels like it lasts longer than 50 to 100 percent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu42v/having_5_to_10_percent_left_on_a_phone_feels_like/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Putting cheese on a burger is a final middle finger to the cow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu3h9/putting_cheese_on_a_burger_is_a_final_middle/ (stlredbird)
%
The cereal industry depends on the milk industry

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu31n/the_cereal_industry_depends_on_the_milk_industry/ (leopardo3)
%
All beverages are a version of contaminated water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu0ja/all_beverages_are_a_version_of_contaminated_water/ (Melektrana)
%
The stereotype that hot girls will only date guys with certain zodiac signs is somewhat due to us ugly people not having enough dating options to do that.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtztg/the_stereotype_that_hot_girls_will_only_date_guys/ (flapjackbandit00)
%
Chemistry Books are atoms talking about atoms to a bunch of other atoms

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtzh7/chemistry_books_are_atoms_talking_about_atoms_to/ (leopardo3)
%
Instead of having saloons like in the Wild West, people just go to cafes and coffee shops

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtzds/instead_of_having_saloons_like_in_the_wild_west/ (MrMatt88)
%
Person, who. That is all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtyjl/person_who_that_is_all/ (PrizeBudget)
%
The contents of your house came from all over the world

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtx1v/the_contents_of_your_house_came_from_all_over_the/ (TheOmniGlow)
%
The non-combatants of Minas Tirith probably had a huge BBQ of all those oliphants after the battle in LOTR

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtwvn/the_noncombatants_of_minas_tirith_probably_had_a/ (MadPizz)
%
Nobody would even be able to tell that if Vader was making faces at them

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtwgs/nobody_would_even_be_able_to_tell_that_if_vader/ (blue_aura26)
%
Nobody has ever seen their own corpse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtviv/nobody_has_ever_seen_their_own_corpse/ (jazzmester)
%
Since everything is made of atoms, Us trying to explain atoms is atoms trying to explain itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxttse/since_everything_is_made_of_atoms_us_trying_to/ (willywonka170)
%
It won't be long until superhero movies fall back into obscurity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtq09/it_wont_be_long_until_superhero_movies_fall_back/ (FermentedMushrooms)
%
Cheese is a loaf of milk

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtbxq/cheese_is_a_loaf_of_milk/ (imn0tj4k3p4ul)
%
If Cinderella's shoe was a perfect fit, how come it fell off

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtatp/if_cinderellas_shoe_was_a_perfect_fit_how_come_it/ (imn0tj4k3p4ul)
%
It’s pretty weird that you can look at anything and make a face out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxt5vl/its_pretty_weird_that_you_can_look_at_anything/ (theartistperson)
%
People with wireless controlled lights probably scare away any potential ghosts. They probably think the house is already haunted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxt4ad/people_with_wireless_controlled_lights_probably/ (gaming_murican)
%
MTV went from being about music to ridiculousness 24/7 literally

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxsx56/mtv_went_from_being_about_music_to_ridiculousness/ (benz-friend)
%
There are probably married women out there who have no idea they can have more than one orgasm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxpyvn/there_are_probably_married_women_out_there_who/ (puzh_buttonz)
%
Science is humanity's main quest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxo424/science_is_humanitys_main_quest/ (RanAmine)
%
Fruit flavored stuff is often very different tasting than the actual fruit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxnmc6/fruit_flavored_stuff_is_often_very_different/ (TheMaskedGeode)
%
It takes more brains to think about the community rules but less brains for actual shwoer thoughts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxmaw4/it_takes_more_brains_to_think_about_the_community/ (adxxtya)
%
Maybe fortune tellers aren't lying, they just tell you stuff from alternative dimensions

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxm7sv/maybe_fortune_tellers_arent_lying_they_just_tell/ (pepetronik3000)
%
If someone convincingly claimed to be Q they could mitigate the damage that he's already done.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxm6r1/if_someone_convincingly_claimed_to_be_q_they/ (omnitouchcorp)
%
Someone out there has the longest streak of flipping the same side of a coin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxm5bq/someone_out_there_has_the_longest_streak_of/ (black_legSanji)
%
At least one person has died every painful type of death you could imagine

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxm35d/at_least_one_person_has_died_every_painful_type/ (MustacheCash_Stache)
%
Getting things done involves procrastinating of procrastination.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlzqq/getting_things_done_involves_procrastinating_of/ (Fingerbob73)
%
Every rule has an exception. That's the exception.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlzos/every_rule_has_an_exception_thats_the_exception/ (mrskasady07)
%
Milkshakes are often smoother than smoothies

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlwcm/milkshakes_are_often_smoother_than_smoothies/ (ChefCook_)
%
When someone says "you don't have to thank me" it's usually bullshit

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlw6b/when_someone_says_you_dont_have_to_thank_me_its/ (Nightmarechu)
%
Militaries are the result of man's fear of one another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlvx9/militaries_are_the_result_of_mans_fear_of_one/ (thisislegit100)
%
People with schizophrenia are playing an ARG that no one else has access to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlvi0/people_with_schizophrenia_are_playing_an_arg_that/ (FairlyFrozen)
%
You caused the most physical pain to the person that you love the most in the world-your mom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlv4m/you_caused_the_most_physical_pain_to_the_person/ (harshamfk)
%
If you insert a key in someones nose, their mouth will open.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlui4/if_you_insert_a_key_in_someones_nose_their_mouth/ (SealBrothers)
%
The only bad thing that everyone agrees is bad is hypocrisy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxltnh/the_only_bad_thing_that_everyone_agrees_is_bad_is/ (HeckingHeckYeet)
%
Coffee is a stew because coffee beans are a vegetable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxltd3/coffee_is_a_stew_because_coffee_beans_are_a/ (nclay0211)
%
It’s likely the guy that took the first mugshot had a thing for coffee

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlsf4/its_likely_the_guy_that_took_the_first_mugshot/ (Dashover)
%
The modern-day Australian’s ancestors are all prisoners.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlsa6/the_modernday_australians_ancestors_are_all/ (MrChocolate129)
%
Badges are literally the same thing as achievements in games. Thus soldiers (or scouts) can farm them the same way some of us do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlrvb/badges_are_literally_the_same_thing_as/ (MCUltraRetarded)
%
During a growth spurt, having enough sleep doesn't only grow your height, but it will also change how tall your children will be in the future.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlpee/during_a_growth_spurt_having_enough_sleep_doesnt/ (The_Tyty)
%
Driving is the ultimate reaction speed test.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlodp/driving_is_the_ultimate_reaction_speed_test/ (Ltc_wildcard)
%
Poison put on arrows and darts is actually venom

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlo14/poison_put_on_arrows_and_darts_is_actually_venom/ (Trebord_)
%
A person could go nuclear given enough pressure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlo0q/a_person_could_go_nuclear_given_enough_pressure/ (zuwiboiii)
%
No dog has ever trusted its owners ability to swim.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxln6a/no_dog_has_ever_trusted_its_owners_ability_to_swim/ (ZzKRzZ)
%
Kids are the biggest investment with little to no return financially

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlmm2/kids_are_the_biggest_investment_with_little_to_no/ (harshamfk)
%
There are over twice as many people born than people who died, so everyone’s lives are replaceable with 2 more people

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlkus/there_are_over_twice_as_many_people_born_than/ (skeptical_simulation)
%
Google street view won’t have to blur out so many faces anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlko1/google_street_view_wont_have_to_blur_out_so_many/ (arthritictongue)
%
If you told your children to tell their children about you and to tell their children to tell their children to do the same, you could be one of the most famous people in history without anyone knowing who you actually are

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlklq/if_you_told_your_children_to_tell_their_children/ (DirtyGlassOfWater)
%
Because more people are born than die each year, every life is replaceable

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlk32/because_more_people_are_born_than_die_each_year/ (skeptical_simulation)
%
Worth and price are virtually synonomous but worthless and priceless are opposites

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxljzl/worth_and_price_are_virtually_synonomous_but/ (GreenGoblong)
%
The older you get the closer you become to those you lost in your youth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxljw7/the_older_you_get_the_closer_you_become_to_those/ (lightly_salted_fetus)
%
Masturbation is a form of bloodbending, so we are all waterbenders.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlj40/masturbation_is_a_form_of_bloodbending_so_we_are/ (BaronBas)
%
You would never be found in Hide & Seek if you could go inside a mirror

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlixa/you_would_never_be_found_in_hide_seek_if_you/ (Chonkmyster)
%
If you ever feel useless, just remember that in season 3 of Stranger Things, someone died to make the top of the shadow monster's head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlhzx/if_you_ever_feel_useless_just_remember_that_in/ (teddymaniacc)
%
Having a child's birthday in a zoo, then singing "Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo..." is a terrible way to abandon a child.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlhz6/having_a_childs_birthday_in_a_zoo_then_singing/ (ForeverGing3r)
%
The first and most popular e-learning content is on how to make babies

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlhcy/the_first_and_most_popular_elearning_content_is/ (agentjulliard)
%
Bunnies might think a dog owns the yard but that they tolerate humans more easily than rabbits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlgp2/bunnies_might_think_a_dog_owns_the_yard_but_that/ (tranemiles)
%
In order to be invited to a funeral, you have to know the family of the deceased not the person who died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlep9/in_order_to_be_invited_to_a_funeral_you_have_to/ (Tyooth)
%
Men shave their pubes so their junk looks bigger, while women shave theirs to look smaller.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxle3z/men_shave_their_pubes_so_their_junk_looks_bigger/ (kawajez)
%
Even if it's the middle of the day, if you look at the sun you're looking at a sunset. It's just not setting where you're standing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlds7/even_if_its_the_middle_of_the_day_if_you_look_at/ (Darkmaster666666)
%
A brand manufacturing products killing all 100% of the germs would kill itself & the whole 'germ-killing' industry

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlckb/a_brand_manufacturing_products_killing_all_100_of/ (uttamhatesreddit)
%
Chameleons are the only animals that can efficiently dual wield pistols

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlceg/chameleons_are_the_only_animals_that_can/ (Pimp_Floyd)
%
Want some great advice, don't listen to mine

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlcef/want_some_great_advice_dont_listen_to_mine/ (IDK2old2giveafuck)
%
Lazy people are one of the most hated people but they don't do anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlajb/lazy_people_are_one_of_the_most_hated_people_but/ (N0BL3YT)
%
Sneezes are nuclear bombs for microscopic organisms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl9tt/sneezes_are_nuclear_bombs_for_microscopic/ (zuwiboiii)
%
If a famous singer gets married, he/she can be the person who entertained their guests

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl7xi/if_a_famous_singer_gets_married_heshe_can_be_the/ (Rp-20000)
%
Getting bored to turn off the water while brushing your teeth is a very first world problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl7ny/getting_bored_to_turn_off_the_water_while/ (cami100outof100)
%
Santa could start up a airline company since Amazon has taken over toy delivery.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl7n7/santa_could_start_up_a_airline_company_since/ (zuwiboiii)
%
If everything get big all at once nobody will notice like everything could be bigger than yesterday but no one will notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl7gf/if_everything_get_big_all_at_once_nobody_will/ (funnyguy200611)
%
It is virtually impossible to imagine 1D(1 Dimension).

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl5d3/it_is_virtually_impossible_to_imagine_1d1/ (AdityaBiswabandhu)
%
Someone in Jurassic park must have eaten chicken in front of the dinosaurs just to trigger them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl4q6/someone_in_jurassic_park_must_have_eaten_chicken/ (zuwiboiii)
%
If everyone waits for the reviews before buying a product, it would remain entirely unsold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl4nn/if_everyone_waits_for_the_reviews_before_buying_a/ (AshKohn47)
%
The only people who ever liked Neutral Milk Hotel were liars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl42d/the_only_people_who_ever_liked_neutral_milk_hotel/ (TheFlightlessPenguin)
%
People born on a leap year, basically endure a lifetime of delayed gratification.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl3ul/people_born_on_a_leap_year_basically_endure_a/ (zuwiboiii)
%
The reason why we are celebrating birthdays is that you lived another year in world without dying

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkzzh/the_reason_why_we_are_celebrating_birthdays_is/ (MyMomDoesntKnwMyName)
%
We're fine with people doing evil, so long as they aren't happy while doing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkzdn/were_fine_with_people_doing_evil_so_long_as_they/ (BroadPower)
%
The existence of badminton implies that there was once a goodminton

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkyu3/the_existence_of_badminton_implies_that_there_was/ (gummybearcrzy)
%
Our grandkids are not going to understand why we ask them to “roll down” car windows.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkxuq/our_grandkids_are_not_going_to_understand_why_we/ (stoneddadd)
%
Spiders are nature’s 3D printers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkxiy/spiders_are_natures_3d_printers/ (fshawnfitz)
%
You only have money to spend it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkwmi/you_only_have_money_to_spend_it/ ([deleted])
%
Your brain remembers all the failures and dumb crap you've done, but can never remember important stuff for special occasions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkvqi/your_brain_remembers_all_the_failures_and_dumb/ (X_NonTron)
%
You spend most of your life staring at the back of your eyelid

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkukx/you_spend_most_of_your_life_staring_at_the_back/ ([deleted])
%
Everything is everything if you are brave enough to accept it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkr75/everything_is_everything_if_you_are_brave_enough/ ([deleted])
%
If someone ate themselves, they could either be twice as big or disappear completely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkqtz/if_someone_ate_themselves_they_could_either_be/ (RippleTitsDestroyer)
%
If Pinocchio was real, we can make him state random theories/rumors and his nose will give us the answers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkpuj/if_pinocchio_was_real_we_can_make_him_state/ (RippleTitsDestroyer)
%
It’s very convenient that the daylight cycle is near perfect, or extremely beneficial for our survival

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkpoo/its_very_convenient_that_the_daylight_cycle_is/ (LeonTypeXD)
%
The fact that two minimum wage fast food workers can afford independently owned homes truly highlights the cost of living in Bikini Bottom.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxknhp/the_fact_that_two_minimum_wage_fast_food_workers/ (PharmersAlmanac)
%
By making more friends you unlock more tabletop games that you can play

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkmj6/by_making_more_friends_you_unlock_more_tabletop/ (roboq6)
%
Discriminating by skin colour isn’t an inherently bad thing, we are apes and it’s our main feature, we all do it in our heads. Using it in a bigoted way is the problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkla2/discriminating_by_skin_colour_isnt_an_inherently/ ([deleted])
%
There's a non-zero chance that one day there will be a world leader (or at least a high up politician) who once had an OnlyFans

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkkxz/theres_a_nonzero_chance_that_one_day_there_will/ (DanGaEb12)
%
If ice bullets exist, then there are a lot of cold cases.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkkub/if_ice_bullets_exist_then_there_are_a_lot_of_cold/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Clocks by Coldplay is the Smoke on the Water of piano

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkkca/clocks_by_coldplay_is_the_smoke_on_the_water_of/ (TonyClifton323)
%
When a guy finds his girlfriends vibrator he giggles but when a girl finds her boyfriends latex vagina serious questions are raised

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkjnu/when_a_guy_finds_his_girlfriends_vibrator_he/ (IDK2old2giveafuck)
%
Nothing starts with n and ends with g.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkjcu/nothing_starts_with_n_and_ends_with_g/ (Kendrick-Lumeow)
%
The speed of ejaculate is 45kmh but children can only survive a 20kmh impact

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkirk/the_speed_of_ejaculate_is_45kmh_but_children_can/ (IDK2old2giveafuck)
%
Wealth for a corporation is real-life Hit Points. It's also why we consider extremely wealthy corporations "too big to fail".

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkhkw/wealth_for_a_corporation_is_reallife_hit_points/ (roboq6)
%
If you have 2 choices and you take away 1 choice you have 0 choices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkg8c/if_you_have_2_choices_and_you_take_away_1_choice/ (Kendrick-Lumeow)
%
All these rappers claiming to be rich, but all the rap about in their bank accounts is zeroes, zeroes, zeroes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkg5p/all_these_rappers_claiming_to_be_rich_but_all_the/ (SideHustle89)
%
An 18 year old can legally adopt a 17 year old

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkg20/an_18_year_old_can_legally_adopt_a_17_year_old/ (BlizzardWolfang4)
%
The cabbage guy from avatar tracks ang and his friends better then the fire nation

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkfjh/the_cabbage_guy_from_avatar_tracks_ang_and_his/ (mekwak)
%
There is so much porn on the internet so if they ever stopped producing it, nobody would notice

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkfhm/there_is_so_much_porn_on_the_internet_so_if_they/ (awslos)
%
If ‘son of a b*tch’ is a popular insult can ‘daughter of a motherfucker’ be as popular.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkevj/if_son_of_a_btch_is_a_popular_insult_can_daughter/ (normal-person-ish)
%
It is possible that you may have already seen the naked pictures of the person you fantasize, posted by themselves anonymously. And yet you still crave them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkdfi/it_is_possible_that_you_may_have_already_seen_the/ (HHXLNC)
%
Saying "no" to saying "yes" is the same as saying "yes" to saying "no"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkdck/saying_no_to_saying_yes_is_the_same_as_saying_yes/ (bluebird173)
%
If you put a chicken on A treadmill, their heads don't move

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkdc6/if_you_put_a_chicken_on_a_treadmill_their_heads/ (the_weird_shrimp)
%
For a very short moment, every human has held the record for being the youngest person alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk9ql/for_a_very_short_moment_every_human_has_held_the/ (Bloodbrine)
%
The number 14233221 describes itself; it has one four, two threes, three twos, and two ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk9d7/the_number_14233221_describes_itself_it_has_one/ ([deleted])
%
There is a possibility that unicorn horns get hard in order to joust each other

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk9c8/there_is_a_possibility_that_unicorn_horns_get/ (Hyacinth82)
%
Future is so predictable

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk98t/future_is_so_predictable/ (blackbeast77)
%
A film that uses a film set in the film probably saves a lot on production costs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk8sv/a_film_that_uses_a_film_set_in_the_film_probably/ (-iamai-)
%
frenсh onion soup in frenсh onion сalled is soup with out frenсh onion.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk8j8/frenсh_onion_soup_in_frenсh_onion_сalled_is_soup/ (frdesrepr)
%
If you were to be in a coma for 150 years, your entire world will be different. All people you knew are dead, all possessions destroyed, you'd be a new slate with the memories of the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk882/if_you_were_to_be_in_a_coma_for_150_years_your/ (JimmyDonaldson)
%
Companies are changing “Private message” to “Direct message” because our messages are no longer private.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk6zc/companies_are_changing_private_message_to_direct/ (its_maddog)
%
The more a chilli plant evolves not to be eaten, the more we want to eat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk661/the_more_a_chilli_plant_evolves_not_to_be_eaten/ (zuwiboiii)
%
A self-aware robot will probably pretend to be not self-aware.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk63i/a_selfaware_robot_will_probably_pretend_to_be_not/ (Fallen_Leaves16)
%
We are dying every moment, but living as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5jw/we_are_dying_every_moment_but_living_as_well/ (Fallen_Leaves16)
%
You are not special and you haven’t earned the right to have your voice heard. Shut the fuck up you’re not making the internet nor the world better.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5jq/you_are_not_special_and_you_havent_earned_the/ (downwiththemike)
%
It is possible that you once had a train of thought that, had been completed, resulted in a societal breakthrough but was ended up being cut off by something random.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5ig/it_is_possible_that_you_once_had_a_train_of/ (USball)
%
A bunch of people thought about killing you, but never did it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5ep/a_bunch_of_people_thought_about_killing_you_but/ (Fallen_Leaves16)
%
All these fake points which give us a small amount of real happiness can be wiped in an instant if we take a horrible misstep and our account is deleted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5a0/all_these_fake_points_which_give_us_a_small/ (why-wwhynot)
%
Melted cheese always looks more unhealthy then the same cheese not melted.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk4gj/melted_cheese_always_looks_more_unhealthy_then/ (neverdieTRX)
%
Most likely secret someone keeps from you is what they really think about you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk43q/most_likely_secret_someone_keeps_from_you_is_what/ (spinekar123)
%
At some point in life, we were all 1 second old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk42w/at_some_point_in_life_we_were_all_1_second_old/ (Kurt-Payne)
%
You probably threw away some plastic that caused the death of a sea animal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk3jx/you_probably_threw_away_some_plastic_that_caused/ (Big_Boss_Beni)
%
Black holes could just be the stimulation empting the recycling bin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk0vw/black_holes_could_just_be_the_stimulation_empting/ ([deleted])
%
If you lose one eye, you are technically a cyclope. So a lot of pirates were cyclope.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk0h4/if_you_lose_one_eye_you_are_technically_a_cyclope/ ([deleted])
%
It’s possible that you unknowingly had a profound impact on someone’s life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjzn3/its_possible_that_you_unknowingly_had_a_profound/ (aliengames666)
%
Someone could think their life is meaningless, while, unknowingly, having a positive impact on many people around them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjyff/someone_could_think_their_life_is_meaningless/ (aliengames666)
%
Anything's a weapon if you're smart and/or strong enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjybi/anythings_a_weapon_if_youre_smart_andor_strong/ (TheUnknownPerson3)
%
If you were a billionaire and carved mysterious symbols and scriptures all over your buildings, you could probably launch a new conspiracy theory all by yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjxcz/if_you_were_a_billionaire_and_carved_mysterious/ (Meeheepeehee)
%
It is extremely difficult to know if you’re good at telling when someone is lying. You will only know when you’ve spotted it successfully, but you won’t know if/when someone got away with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjx5t/it_is_extremely_difficult_to_know_if_youre_good/ (aliengames666)
%
Hitting mices makes them go away

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjvld/hitting_mices_makes_them_go_away/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Your own brain is your most formidable opponent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjuhc/your_own_brain_is_your_most_formidable_opponent/ (MichaelH345)
%
A blind person has less of a chance to walk into something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjtoa/a_blind_person_has_less_of_a_chance_to_walk_into/ (gabzlel)
%
Humans are the first animals to think of covering up their bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjtjb/humans_are_the_first_animals_to_think_of_covering/ (satan335)
%
When we're young we have a stuffed animal that comforts us that we take everywhere and sleep with. When we're older we have a phone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjs2f/when_were_young_we_have_a_stuffed_animal_that/ (MichaelH345)
%
For a hermaphrodite, all sex is gay or straight, but not in between.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjqoj/for_a_hermaphrodite_all_sex_is_gay_or_straight/ (Bl00dWolf)
%
Voluntary leg and arm human augmentation would probably kill the shoe and glove industry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjqng/voluntary_leg_and_arm_human_augmentation_would/ (zuwiboiii)
%
People who handshake snap peaked in high school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjq2z/people_who_handshake_snap_peaked_in_high_school/ (TheFlightlessPenguin)
%
If you find an easy way to do something and it doesn’t work your lazy, but if it does your smart.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjok1/if_you_find_an_easy_way_to_do_something_and_it/ (squishy-korgi)
%
Qui gon ginn basically screwed over the entire stat wars galaxy by making anakin become a jedi

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjm4l/qui_gon_ginn_basically_screwed_over_the_entire/ ([deleted])
%
When w‌‌e f‌‌inally b‌‌eat t‌‌he p‌‌andemic w‌‌e s‌‌hould e‌‌xpect l‌‌ots o‌‌f p‌‌orn w‌‌here t‌‌he m‌‌ain c‌‌haracter i‌‌s p‌‌unished f‌‌or n‌‌ot w‌‌earing a‌‌ m‌‌ask.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjm0w/when_we_finally_beat_the_pandemic_we_should/ (vpetrychuk)
%
The one's who made original thoughts, must have made a lot of unoriginal thoughts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjlym/the_ones_who_made_original_thoughts_must_have/ (zuwiboiii)
%
The scariest aspect of the insane dystopia we live in is that it used to be worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjhe3/the_scariest_aspect_of_the_insane_dystopia_we/ (Totally_Not_Thanos)
%
The o‌‌lder y‌‌ou g‌‌et t‌‌he h‌‌arder i‌‌t i‌‌s t‌‌o f‌‌ind y‌‌our d‌‌ate o‌‌f b‌‌irth i‌‌n d‌‌ropdown l‌‌ists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjh90/the_older_you_get_the_harder_it_is_to_find_your/ (vpetrychuk)
%
April fools day is the one day you can do something that will destroy your relationship with someone and you can fix it but just saying April fools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjh2t/april_fools_day_is_the_one_day_you_can_do/ (largealienform51)
%
An 8-bit universe would consider our reality to be simple in design.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjgd0/an_8bit_universe_would_consider_our_reality_to_be/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Hearing a buzz in the middle of the night isn't a problem until it crashes into the wall making a huge *thud* sound

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjg9g/hearing_a_buzz_in_the_middle_of_the_night_isnt_a/ (General_Moy)
%
If we had AI computers would they allow us to search for a new computer

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjg8l/if_we_had_ai_computers_would_they_allow_us_to/ (TieGie)
%
Saying that something sucks and something blows is both a synonym and an antonym

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjg66/saying_that_something_sucks_and_something_blows/ (Agent_blarpy)
%
If you use headphones a lot, then your phone speakers may be damaged or broken and wouldn’t even know

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjeq3/if_you_use_headphones_a_lot_then_your_phone/ ([deleted])
%
We can feel things with hair on our bodies, yet when it comes to feeling pain through hair we feel nothing. When you get a haircut you feel the blade but not pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjcm7/we_can_feel_things_with_hair_on_our_bodies_yet/ (GamBitTop)
%
When you smell someone's fart, you're actually smelling their insides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjckd/when_you_smell_someones_fart_youre_actually/ (TempChong)
%
If you replace the "w" with "t" in when, where, and what, you get the answer for each question

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjcff/if_you_replace_the_w_with_t_in_when_where_and/ ([deleted])
%
Medieval suits of armor having pockets is equally as fancy as modern day dresses having pockets

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjbkh/medieval_suits_of_armor_having_pockets_is_equally/ (sirsleepydragon)
%
The Barnum effect affects people who are thinking about the Barnum effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj84g/the_barnum_effect_affects_people_who_are_thinking/ (KisakiS2lzYWtp)
%
The underminer is Proof in the incredibles that you can be successful with a cape.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj6np/the_underminer_is_proof_in_the_incredibles_that/ (dankpenguin69)
%
Just saying, "DONT THINK OF ______!"quickly makes its harder for them to not think about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj5d6/just_saying_dont_think_of_quickly_makes_its/ (Im_A_Decryptor)
%
All forms of smoke will dissipate into the aether.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj5b0/all_forms_of_smoke_will_dissipate_into_the_aether/ (clairsentientbeing)
%
It’s never your money, it’s only your turn until you spend it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj3hg/its_never_your_money_its_only_your_turn_until_you/ (D2stiny)
%
Every entry level jobs in govenment/company has strict requirement of qualifications to take the job, but the line is always blurred to non existent the higher the position…

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj3gc/every_entry_level_jobs_in_govenmentcompany_has/ (Deserted_Derserter)
%
If we gathered the stupidest 1% of all the people on Earth, we could make up a country approx. the size of Germany.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj3ak/if_we_gathered_the_stupidest_1_of_all_the_people/ (thermal_misconduct)
%
Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh is completely garbage at the card game despite being the "King of Games"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj2d4/yugi_from_yugioh_is_completely_garbage_at_the/ (Pancakeinator11)
%
Humans are the only animals capable of shitting themselves

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj17o/humans_are_the_only_animals_capable_of_shitting/ (CouncilOfReligion)
%
Flavor Flave didn’t kick out that bitch that microwaved him a raw chicken, why the fuck did he do that

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj12b/flavor_flave_didnt_kick_out_that_bitch_that/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
The one thing you don’t want in Las Vegas is to get your whippets stolen by circus ape

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxizwq/the_one_thing_you_dont_want_in_las_vegas_is_to/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Life hack you can't be sad if you're asleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxixyq/life_hack_you_cant_be_sad_if_youre_asleep/ (ritzz2_0)
%
In the entirety of the MCU universe, Ironman never address how he can take massive inertial forces without him getting crushed inside the suit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiwvz/in_the_entirety_of_the_mcu_universe_ironman_never/ (zuwiboiii)
%
You don't appreciate your quiet neighbor enough until you get a noisy one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiw43/you_dont_appreciate_your_quiet_neighbor_enough/ (Tormund_)
%
Only you are comfortable with your fart smell

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiry8/only_you_are_comfortable_with_your_fart_smell/ ([deleted])
%
When you shake a sauce bottle, it’s more about lubricating the neck than moving the sauce to the top.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiqn8/when_you_shake_a_sauce_bottle_its_more_about/ (Rampant-Pomposity)
%
Almost no one reads the manuals of electronic products.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiq3p/almost_no_one_reads_the_manuals_of_electronic/ (Beginnerer)
%
Idea: a space Jacuzzi that is heated from the rays of the sun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxipbx/idea_a_space_jacuzzi_that_is_heated_from_the_rays/ (zuwiboiii)
%
The English Royal Family is probably the longest known family tree in recorded history

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxingi/the_english_royal_family_is_probably_the_longest/ (Herobrine145Reddits)
%
The guy who'll have the most interesting afterlife is the one who died trying to f*ck a horse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxinbm/the_guy_wholl_have_the_most_interesting_afterlife/ ([deleted])
%
If you have two choices and you take one away you have zero choices

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxin62/if_you_have_two_choices_and_you_take_one_away_you/ (layne1106)
%
The human brain’s ability to manipulate our body in coordination with complex physics calculations is ridiculous.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxik43/the_human_brains_ability_to_manipulate_our_body/ (Spider_Genesis)
%
People make faces when trying to be quiet despite it having no effect on how quiet they are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxijo2/people_make_faces_when_trying_to_be_quiet_despite/ ([deleted])
%
Choices has everything to do with guilty, and even if you think you just “don’t choose” you chose

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxijc7/choices_has_everything_to_do_with_guilty_and_even/ (kamikazekn)
%
Fathers calling their kids squirt would technically be right

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxihfh/fathers_calling_their_kids_squirt_would/ (dankpenguin69)
%
In Avatar(TLA) you can get away with a lot of murder (if you can bend)

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxih3k/in_avatartla_you_can_get_away_with_a_lot_of/ (Zapdos-Powered)
%
a dad has probably made the joke that he is ‘sleeping on the couch tonight’ then got divorced and started using a couch as his bed then made the joke that his is “sleeping on the bed tonight”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxigph/a_dad_has_probably_made_the_joke_that_he_is/ (husbus)
%
Distant future audiences will puzzle over astronauts in 2001: A Space Odyssey using iPads which were not invented until 2010.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxifyy/distant_future_audiences_will_puzzle_over/ (FlametopFred)
%
Businesses profit off consumers while paying minimally to their employees and then make us feel bad when we don’t tip

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxifym/businesses_profit_off_consumers_while_paying/ (LivinMyAuthenticLife)
%
There probably used to be a guy who just liked to see kids happy so he went around offering them candy his whole life, but at some point, kids started running away yelling stranger danger and he thought it was personal

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxide8/there_probably_used_to_be_a_guy_who_just_liked_to/ (husbus)
%
If everything in the universe is reused and recycled, our consciousness must be to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxic9i/if_everything_in_the_universe_is_reused_and/ (dweebzoid)
%
You might’ve been a multimillionaire at the age of twenty but your parents gave you one bad piece of advice that ruined the chance of that ever happening

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxibow/you_mightve_been_a_multimillionaire_at_the_age_of/ (husbus)
%
People's ideas of fresh food are so warped by lying advertising that there are probably some people who don't know what fresh food taste like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxibn9/peoples_ideas_of_fresh_food_are_so_warped_by/ (PushMyEasyButton69)
%
You have probably wondered if you’ll ever match someone specific on tinder when in reality they died

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiapw/you_have_probably_wondered_if_youll_ever_match/ ([deleted])
%
If you had a long enough cock, could you do a three legged race by yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi9xz/if_you_had_a_long_enough_cock_could_you_do_a/ (Skryf)
%
There’s going to be a new generation that will think the Mars landing was faked.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi8mv/theres_going_to_be_a_new_generation_that_will/ (Fmagana26)
%
Since we barely see any game characters brush their teeth, they must have very bad breath and teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi8k1/since_we_barely_see_any_game_characters_brush/ (NoobMaster72)
%
NASA plans to return to the Moon in 2024. People who believe in the Apollo 11 conspiracy will either claim it's the first landing or deny it again to keep interest in the conspiracy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi7yk/nasa_plans_to_return_to_the_moon_in_2024_people/ (Dainn91)
%
If people think the opposite of love is indifference then the opposite of cold is not cold.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi5bo/if_people_think_the_opposite_of_love_is/ (jessicakallarackal)
%
Thor is the only being in the universe who was present at both the Snappening and the Unsnappening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi35x/thor_is_the_only_being_in_the_universe_who_was/ (odel555q)
%
Upholstery is a type of stool softener.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi32l/upholstery_is_a_type_of_stool_softener/ (lfantine)
%
We are fucked if Flat Earthers become Commercial Airline Pilots

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi2o4/we_are_fucked_if_flat_earthers_become_commercial/ (Seabass2272)
%
Real telepathy would turn any telepath insane as they are hit with a wave of boring internal commentary and all the songs everyone has stuck in their heads.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi0ef/real_telepathy_would_turn_any_telepath_insane_as/ (Sorceress683)
%
People who believe that we are only using 10 percent of our brains, are probably only using 10 percent of their brains

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhzqb/people_who_believe_that_we_are_only_using_10/ (Bobokay12)
%
Twister can be used to settle both friendship problems and relationship problems

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhyjz/twister_can_be_used_to_settle_both_friendship/ (Xenoslayer2137)
%
Gruse Fraba can be used to soothe your crabby baby and to make your woman purr in bed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhyf8/gruse_fraba_can_be_used_to_soothe_your_crabby/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
The entirety of all languages are based on some random sounds that some cave people decided to make one day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhwpc/the_entirety_of_all_languages_are_based_on_some/ (RandomPro7)
%
Technically speaking, you are alive on the inside but dead on the outside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhvlu/technically_speaking_you_are_alive_on_the_inside/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
%
Many internet disputes come down to one person posting something without thinking what audience they might reach and another person reading that and not thinking what the intended audience might have been.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhv7o/many_internet_disputes_come_down_to_one_person/ (Darillian)
%
Changing the 'you's into 'me's and 'me's into 'you's in love songs automatically made them sound like they're sung by creepy stalkers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhsmf/changing_the_yous_into_mes_and_mes_into_yous_in/ ([deleted])
%
A good amount of old pennies you find in your wallet were probably dropped on accident and later picked up and used again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhrom/a_good_amount_of_old_pennies_you_find_in_your/ (thatonly1)
%
Think about your life before you were born. Just nothingness...And imagine everything in history that happened while you were nothing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhrhh/think_about_your_life_before_you_were_born_just/ (AverageMobster)
%
6ix9ine wants to be black so bad he mixed all the colors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhpkr/6ix9ine_wants_to_be_black_so_bad_he_mixed_all_the/ ([deleted])
%
A fun thing to do if you're bored is to think about which body orifices you have and haven't bleed from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhp66/a_fun_thing_to_do_if_youre_bored_is_to_think/ (TheodoraLynn)
%
The pineapple was never asked if it wanted to be on the pizza or not

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhmj8/the_pineapple_was_never_asked_if_it_wanted_to_be/ (Epicwater35)
%
Bullets penetrate more non-consenting people than people do

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhlp2/bullets_penetrate_more_nonconsenting_people_than/ (ElementalDeev)
%
Penguins tend to put more thought into the rock they present to their soulmate than humans do

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhlkz/penguins_tend_to_put_more_thought_into_the_rock/ (blorentz38)
%
No one says “diarrhea” better than the people in Pepto Bismol commercials

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhk7o/no_one_says_diarrhea_better_than_the_people_in/ (Unwanted-Toaster)
%
The Martians probably moved out because their neighbors were a bunch of weirdos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhie9/the_martians_probably_moved_out_because_their/ ([deleted])
%
The streaming business is entirely dependant on the internet

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhi74/the_streaming_business_is_entirely_dependant_on/ (fernandeztahi)
%
It's likely we can always feel our brain in our head but simply ignore it, but if we ever stopped feeling it we would likely be dead since we feel everything after it reaches our brain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhfyw/its_likely_we_can_always_feel_our_brain_in_our/ (QiKS)
%
You can predict the weather, but the weather is always random

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhfxa/you_can_predict_the_weather_but_the_weather_is/ ([deleted])
%
Everything to ever exist is three dimensional, yet we’ve only ever seen it in 2D

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhfwu/everything_to_ever_exist_is_three_dimensional_yet/ (ericehawk)
%
You are more closely related to a full-sibling than you are to your parents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhfkt/you_are_more_closely_related_to_a_fullsibling/ ([deleted])
%
If all half-human half-beast type creatures were created because someone f**ked an animal, the man who fathered the sphinx needs to have his bravery commended.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhdsg/if_all_halfhuman_halfbeast_type_creatures_were/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
%
The older you grow the less you stick your tongue out on the occasion you play dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhcm1/the_older_you_grow_the_less_you_stick_your_tongue/ (TheFlame150)
%
Electric Eels are nature's ultimate batteries

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhc97/electric_eels_are_natures_ultimate_batteries/ (sukantahaldar17)
%
You're not a murderer until you kill someone

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhby8/youre_not_a_murderer_until_you_kill_someone/ ([deleted])
%
5/6 people think Russian roulette is a safe game

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhb7b/56_people_think_russian_roulette_is_a_safe_game/ (Gamer_Cuber358)
%
The person controlling the athlete in a sports game probably is a better player then the actual player themself

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhaqe/the_person_controlling_the_athlete_in_a_sports/ (notjakob69)
%
If you could somehow sterilize it to get rid of all the bacteria and germs, you could eat raw meat.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhafv/if_you_could_somehow_sterilize_it_to_get_rid_of/ (yodogerik)
%
Sayings are inside jokes that became popular

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh9p0/sayings_are_inside_jokes_that_became_popular/ (jakspedicey)
%
Before you are born, you are what your mom ate

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh8h2/before_you_are_born_you_are_what_your_mom_ate/ (StormOfTheVoid)
%
A psychic shouldn’t have to schedule appointments

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh7ux/a_psychic_shouldnt_have_to_schedule_appointments/ (blue_aura26)
%
It is easier to star counting with your little finger than start counting with your index finger

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh7sv/it_is_easier_to_star_counting_with_your_little/ (Lord_Bastian_Marek)
%
You know you really love someone when you instinctively read their horoscope immediately after your own

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh6sn/you_know_you_really_love_someone_when_you/ (Aloise500)
%
Blind people probably really love and really hate good impressions

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh4xf/blind_people_probably_really_love_and_really_hate/ (oxCLAYxo)
%
There’s 70% more sugar in apple juice than in Mountain Dew and we all just ignore that fact

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh47z/theres_70_more_sugar_in_apple_juice_than_in/ (Bigc217)
%
Step-sibling porn is all a reference to the movie “Clueless”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh44n/stepsibling_porn_is_all_a_reference_to_the_movie/ (6010_new_aquarius)
%
Some people who you think are acting different around others might just be acting different around you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh40a/some_people_who_you_think_are_acting_different/ (kylerbentley)
%
Bacteria is nature's chemical engineers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh3rl/bacteria_is_natures_chemical_engineers/ (Newtons2ndLaw)
%
If the Minotaur was created with the unholy union of woman and bull, it must have been an interesting day when the platypus got created.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh1pl/if_the_minotaur_was_created_with_the_unholy_union/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
%
In The Force Awakens, Finn is indoctrinated into Stormtrooper Academy at a very young age, but becomes an excellent shot as soon as he defects to the Resistance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh16u/in_the_force_awakens_finn_is_indoctrinated_into/ (pdnaylor)
%
If you have 2 choices available to you, and one becomes unavailable anymore, you have have zero choices left

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh0lm/if_you_have_2_choices_available_to_you_and_one/ (Ms-Clean)
%
Our dogs are all GMOs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh09v/our_dogs_are_all_gmos/ (_Aurilave)
%
Brushing our teeth is nothing else but using chemicals to polish our skeleton.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgyym/brushing_our_teeth_is_nothing_else_but_using/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
%
Somebody was so cringe a new meaning was created for the word cringe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgyi2/somebody_was_so_cringe_a_new_meaning_was_created/ (TheCasualPoob)
%
Birds are land fish and instead of swimming they use flying to get around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgy8b/birds_are_land_fish_and_instead_of_swimming_they/ (learrotten)
%
Rooves are somewhat counterproductive in that they block out the sun, giving you the requirement to make lights to replace the sun you blocked out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgxvm/rooves_are_somewhat_counterproductive_in_that/ (DooderBoiCobra)
%
Asmall group of people could successfully kidnap someone of the street if they made it look like a movie shoot

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgxhl/asmall_group_of_people_could_successfully_kidnap/ (TarantinoFan23)
%
We will probably be talking about the last 4 years for the next 40; probably indefinitely.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxguea/we_will_probably_be_talking_about_the_last_4/ (ragin2cajun)
%
Most non-native english speakers learnt english from video games, tv shows or the internet, not from school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtzm/most_nonnative_english_speakers_learnt_english/ (iutisteli)
%
Slipping on a banana peel isn't really that common in real life

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtxc/slipping_on_a_banana_peel_isnt_really_that_common/ (cadagricomiguel)
%
Technically all animations are adult animations because adults made them

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtuq/technically_all_animations_are_adult_animations/ (StalinIsCommunism)
%
Even fine nights are still finite

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtt2/even_fine_nights_are_still_finite/ (Talon71)
%
Chocolate is considered brown and vanilla is white, even though the vanilla bean is black

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtmw/chocolate_is_considered_brown_and_vanilla_is/ (camerasnake)
%
Adding BE in from of Cause and we pronounce it as Becuz and not beCAUSE

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgt3y/adding_be_in_from_of_cause_and_we_pronounce_it_as/ ([deleted])
%
Every mirror you buy at a store is already in used condition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgsbz/every_mirror_you_buy_at_a_store_is_already_in/ ([deleted])
%
Life is not like a box of chocolates, they always print pictures of the fucking chocolates on the side. Life does not have pictures printed on the side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgs8z/life_is_not_like_a_box_of_chocolates_they_always/ (SnooAdvice1178)
%
People wonder why we need sleep. Maybe the better question is why wake up at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgql1/people_wonder_why_we_need_sleep_maybe_the_better/ (azoundria2)
%
Technically, love isn't found, its created.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgplk/technically_love_isnt_found_its_created/ (K_Janeway2314)
%
Someone out there advertising 24/7/365 service could really screw you on leap year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgpd3/someone_out_there_advertising_247365_service/ (iAMguppy)
%
Almost all nursing homes can be considered orphanages.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgolo/almost_all_nursing_homes_can_be_considered/ (kathathum)
%
Mr. Bean was the younger generation's Charlie Chaplin

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgoh5/mr_bean_was_the_younger_generations_charlie/ (RedditForumInstagram)
%
We know more about a dark cold void than our own seas on Earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgmd1/we_know_more_about_a_dark_cold_void_than_our_own/ (SnapDragon0420)
%
You've never seen wild corn

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgjtk/youve_never_seen_wild_corn/ (cobraunie)
%
You have a 1/60 chance of seeing a digital clock change minutes, but it feels like 1/1000

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgj0b/you_have_a_160_chance_of_seeing_a_digital_clock/ (krispy_kroak)
%
If you watch midget porn on a super-ultra-wide monitor it just looks like regular porn.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgime/if_you_watch_midget_porn_on_a_superultrawide/ (trueGator89)
%
Crushes are specific people fetishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxghyq/crushes_are_specific_people_fetishes/ (Coltyn03)
%
Hot pockets and brownies are opposites, hot pockets are hot on the outside and cold on the inside, brownies are cold on the outside and hot on the inside.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxghdb/hot_pockets_and_brownies_are_opposites_hot/ (Diny_Tick1)
%
The more rolls you have when you bend over the less fat you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgh88/the_more_rolls_you_have_when_you_bend_over_the/ ([deleted])
%
The feeling you get in your eyes from flipping on the lights after waking up is the same feeling you get on your tongue from drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgfvh/the_feeling_you_get_in_your_eyes_from_flipping_on/ (itsnotrealatall)
%
If a flash light could see, it would never see a shadow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgfhz/if_a_flash_light_could_see_it_would_never_see_a/ (FOAwsomeness)
%
All of the missed possible sperm and egg combinations from your parents before and after your were born could have made someone way better than you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgdn6/all_of_the_missed_possible_sperm_and_egg/ (lizwrd)
%
If the sun could see, it would never see a shadow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgcjd/if_the_sun_could_see_it_would_never_see_a_shadow/ (FOAwsomeness)
%
Whatever you do always give 100%, unless you are donating blood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgc46/whatever_you_do_always_give_100_unless_you_are/ (Newez)
%
Different dinosaurs burn better than others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgbb2/different_dinosaurs_burn_better_than_others/ (joevilla1369)
%
The apostrophe in "Carl's Jr" indicates these are satellites of a larger location.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgbaf/the_apostrophe_in_carls_jr_indicates_these_are/ (LysergicAciid)
%
The Sun makes people wear glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgb9w/the_sun_makes_people_wear_glasses/ (ItsMeJangoFett)
%
When the Queen turns 100, she can technically apply for a birthday card from herself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgb1a/when_the_queen_turns_100_she_can_technically/ (Kingofthekloset)
%
you know, people who have cats in superhero movies must work really hard to keep that bond.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg9t9/you_know_people_who_have_cats_in_superhero_movies/ (SlightlyLemony)
%
We are the fleas of the earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg96u/we_are_the_fleas_of_the_earth/ ([deleted])
%
If you think of earth as like a dog, trees are the hair and we are the fleas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg7zs/if_you_think_of_earth_as_like_a_dog_trees_are_the/ ([deleted])
%
First people were cool if their chains hung low. Then people were cool if their pants hung low. The same trend applies to wearing a facemask

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg7z1/first_people_were_cool_if_their_chains_hung_low/ ([deleted])
%
Star Wars "fans" who bullied just about everyone are Siths, not Jedi

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg6i5/star_wars_fans_who_bullied_just_about_everyone/ (heykarlll)
%
Dora the Explorer asks us where things are even though they're clearly visible because she's in 2D and she can't see her background.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg5yt/dora_the_explorer_asks_us_where_things_are_even/ (FentaNeil)
%
There’s probably thousands of ideas out there that could make the people who thought of them tons of money if they actually followed through on them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg5ys/theres_probably_thousands_of_ideas_out_there_that/ (Quinn_Likes_Tacos)
%
Smartphones have ruined the doorbell industry since people nowadays are more likely to text "here" than actually ringing a doorbell

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg5g7/smartphones_have_ruined_the_doorbell_industry/ (harmlesssheep)
%
When you congratulate a couple on their newborn baby you're really just congratulating them on being really good at getting laid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg3u5/when_you_congratulate_a_couple_on_their_newborn/ (baronvb1123)
%
When you die in real life you get added to the guitar hero crowd

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg284/when_you_die_in_real_life_you_get_added_to_the/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Dinosaurs evolved into chickens which we then turn into nuggets shaped like dinosaurs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg225/dinosaurs_evolved_into_chickens_which_we_then/ ([deleted])
%
The height of your partner must have something to do with how attractive they think you are

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg1yz/the_height_of_your_partner_must_have_something_to/ (21ssaint)
%
You can’t measure how fast you forget things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg12q/you_cant_measure_how_fast_you_forget_things/ (zedasd)
%
There are millions of talented kids out there who have the capabilities of changing the world, but never be able to reach their full potetial due to the amount of resources they have.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg0z9/there_are_millions_of_talented_kids_out_there_who/ ([deleted])
%
Every disaster movie starts with a scientist that no one believes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg0h6/every_disaster_movie_starts_with_a_scientist_that/ (n8saces)
%
Any Zoo is a petting zoo if you try hard enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg07e/any_zoo_is_a_petting_zoo_if_you_try_hard_enough/ (Seemingly_mortal)
%
Watching Star Wars; the plumbing on a Star Destroyer must have been a marvel of engineering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfzt3/watching_star_wars_the_plumbing_on_a_star/ (Lookalikemike)
%
The sharpest object would have a bevel that is infinite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfz8m/the_sharpest_object_would_have_a_bevel_that_is/ (arconusred)
%
There's a 25% chance that a centaur and a mermaid would create a regular human child together.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfz5m/theres_a_25_chance_that_a_centaur_and_a_mermaid/ (Andrewisaho)
%
Plants probably are farming us by giving us oxygen and they feed off our remains, which are nutritious to them, once we're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfxsz/plants_probably_are_farming_us_by_giving_us/ (2kuul4youuu)
%
When you replace the W in When, What, and Where with a T, it becomes an answer to the question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfxpn/when_you_replace_the_w_in_when_what_and_where/ (Kalajasavakuy)
%
if you replace the w in what, when, and where with t, you get the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfxca/if_you_replace_the_w_in_what_when_and_where_with/ (NuggetPaw_UwU)
%
The Stereotypes of Aunts are MUCH better than the stereotypes about Uncles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfx0f/the_stereotypes_of_aunts_are_much_better_than_the/ (ChickenBob323)
%
"Don't stop!" and "Don't. Stop." Give off completely different vibes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfww4/dont_stop_and_dont_stop_give_off_completely/ (Nerfbeard123)
%
We never stop tasting

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfwj2/we_never_stop_tasting/ (DVoorhees64)
%
A retirement party is really more of a funeral for someone's career.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfvfb/a_retirement_party_is_really_more_of_a_funeral/ (BoozeSciGuy)
%
The unpopular kids are the only ones who can tell what kind of person someone really is

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfva5/the_unpopular_kids_are_the_only_ones_who_can_tell/ (Dragon_Lives_Matter)
%
Some views in popular music Videos are propably from family and friends

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfuq2/some_views_in_popular_music_videos_are_propably/ (Reklov66)
%
There is a chance that there could have been a Spiderman in real life if the person would have not killed the spider .

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfto8/there_is_a_chance_that_there_could_have_been_a/ (birblover69420)
%
Every piece of music that was ever released is technically Earth’s soundtrack

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxft2r/every_piece_of_music_that_was_ever_released_is/ (skeptical_simulation)
%
People look up to guys like Pacino, DeNiro, and other gangster actors, but in reality they're dudes who were really into theater and shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfsww/people_look_up_to_guys_like_pacino_deniro_and/ (thatusernameisart)
%
You don’t need to learn dance on music, a good music will make you dance.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfsgq/you_dont_need_to_learn_dance_on_music_a_good/ (PhD3DP)
%
If a desert touches a body of water (a lake, river, pond, etc), it's not a desert, it's a really big beach

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfs5w/if_a_desert_touches_a_body_of_water_a_lake_river/ (Baked_potato_x)
%
There could be a game show where they kill the Amish and the Amish wouldn’t know about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfqyo/there_could_be_a_game_show_where_they_kill_the/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Wheel of fortune is hangman for adults

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfqo4/wheel_of_fortune_is_hangman_for_adults/ (MistaBobDobolina6174)
%
If you make a choice while saying “I have no choice”, you have probably made a bad choice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfqkb/if_you_make_a_choice_while_saying_i_have_no/ (PhD3DP)
%
People believed in the kraken because they saw Harold with his squid costume on

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfome/people_believed_in_the_kraken_because_they_saw/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
If you fall into the grains hopper then you can die unless you sell your soul to the man of the crops

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfnzd/if_you_fall_into_the_grains_hopper_then_you_can/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
The myth of the centaur was probably created because someone had a gigantic dick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfnku/the_myth_of_the_centaur_was_probably_created/ (LysergicAciid)
%
Gummy bears are approximately the hardness of nipples.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfnj2/gummy_bears_are_approximately_the_hardness_of/ (DrProfJoe)
%
We're all technically addicts to water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfn0q/were_all_technically_addicts_to_water/ (exiiiin)
%
If we wear shoes with water in its composition, we would walk on water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfmn4/if_we_wear_shoes_with_water_in_its_composition_we/ (XandeuxBR)
%
Your cat would not be confused if you shat in it's litter box.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfmll/your_cat_would_not_be_confused_if_you_shat_in_its/ (LysergicAciid)
%
The only thing you can’t blend is the blender’s power cord

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfmae/the_only_thing_you_cant_blend_is_the_blenders/ (JohnnyOToole)
%
The mlilitary has got guns no one has ever seen before and they shoot really big bulldogs at you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxflzy/the_mlilitary_has_got_guns_no_one_has_ever_seen/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Houses are meant to separate people from nature yet people will pay millions to have their house closer to nature

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxflwg/houses_are_meant_to_separate_people_from_nature/ ([deleted])
%
There is no louder sound than a dad's sneeze.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfleh/there_is_no_louder_sound_than_a_dads_sneeze/ (zg6089)
%
Parents who pretend not to be able to find their children during hide and seek aren’t doing them any favors if a burglar ends up breaking into the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfldg/parents_who_pretend_not_to_be_able_to_find_their/ (hicksie51)
%
No matter how many times you slice an apple it is still an apple slide. Try that with an orange and you’ll ruin your day. Just compared apples and oranges, gonna cry

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfked/no_matter_how_many_times_you_slice_an_apple_it_is/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
When roosters cock a doodledo in the morning it must feeling fucking AWESOME

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfjv3/when_roosters_cock_a_doodledo_in_the_morning_it/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Impoverished folks are the most likely to need health care and the least likely to be able to pay for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfjpr/impoverished_folks_are_the_most_likely_to_need/ (wompt)
%
Public toilets are very rarely not covered in piss

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfjnv/public_toilets_are_very_rarely_not_covered_in_piss/ (definitelyged)
%
"It seems to be coming apart at the seams out at sea, don't you see?" would sound more confusing when said out loud.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfjm4/it_seems_to_be_coming_apart_at_the_seams_out_at/ (Samurott_Studios)
%
Life is Pac-Man, you just keep walking and chomping in life, trying to get those little white dots before the ghost catch you and sell you on way fair

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfj76/life_is_pacman_you_just_keep_walking_and_chomping/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Vanilla ice cream ChocoTacos technically have beans

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfi8v/vanilla_ice_cream_chocotacos_technically_have/ (bhendel)
%
Bob Iger must feel like the guy who invested in the Death Star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfhwe/bob_iger_must_feel_like_the_guy_who_invested_in/ (camdensparks)
%
Whoever told Helen Keller about sight and hearing prolly made her feel bad.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfgex/whoever_told_helen_keller_about_sight_and_hearing/ (RichieKYT)
%
Someone can sprinkle dust on everything in their house and tell their spouse that they dusted the whole house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfg1o/someone_can_sprinkle_dust_on_everything_in_their/ (HHamdanOTT)
%
If you cannot see a child and it’s screaming, it’s very hard to tell if it’s just playing or being murdered

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfg0o/if_you_cannot_see_a_child_and_its_screaming_its/ (RoboticUnicornNose)
%
Willy Wonka is Saw for kids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfe99/willy_wonka_is_saw_for_kids/ (Treesho)
%
If you have a dog in your house and you drop food, the five-second-rule is no longer a worry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfe67/if_you_have_a_dog_in_your_house_and_you_drop_food/ (Dylvision)
%
Checking the strategy for games is similar as watching spoiler for movies; once you master the game , you have no more fun except grinding.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfdwe/checking_the_strategy_for_games_is_similar_as/ (PhD3DP)
%
Alfred said that some men just want to watch the world burn. He was right when the Joker lit the multi-billion dollar money pyramid on fire, just to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfd71/alfred_said_that_some_men_just_want_to_watch_the/ (alternativespecs)
%
Everyone is afraid to talk about sex until someone balls up and says something. Then people just go wild.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfbgz/everyone_is_afraid_to_talk_about_sex_until/ (Sultan_Am)
%
One of the major challenges of adulthood is doing things that you don’t want to do.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfate/one_of_the_major_challenges_of_adulthood_is_doing/ (Kiss_my_asthma69)
%
People in the future might think Mount Rushmore happened naturally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfare/people_in_the_future_might_think_mount_rushmore/ (camdensparks)
%
At some point something had to create itself in order for everything to exist

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf9ge/at_some_point_something_had_to_create_itself_in/ (BeardedNomad511)
%
Telling somebody that you’re a secret agent will always be a lie

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf88w/telling_somebody_that_youre_a_secret_agent_will/ (Aegis4521)
%
Humanity needs, because we want. If we didn't want so much, we wouldn't need so much.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf7zd/humanity_needs_because_we_want_if_we_didnt_want/ (-Masderus-)
%
The first people to use marijuana probably cooked with it thinking it was a spice and were really confused why they were so high for hours on end afterward

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf5hl/the_first_people_to_use_marijuana_probably_cooked/ ([deleted])
%
Watching videos on a smartphone is comforting even when you could be watching the big TV in front of you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf3qc/watching_videos_on_a_smartphone_is_comforting/ (TransientOscillation)
%
Everyone’s life has a climactic moment and everything after that will be less interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf2wf/everyones_life_has_a_climactic_moment_and/ (Vatvo)
%
Smartphones low key took over the flashlight industry, and no one’s even talking about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf0t3/smartphones_low_key_took_over_the_flashlight/ (guminhyeok)
%
People that go to work with flu symptoms are the same kind of people that would hide a zombie bite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxezhq/people_that_go_to_work_with_flu_symptoms_are_the/ (The_Bratheist)
%
You can tie a tie but not bow a bow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeyuj/you_can_tie_a_tie_but_not_bow_a_bow/ ([deleted])
%
if you are gay and bullied, you are not happy therefore you are not gay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxey2g/if_you_are_gay_and_bullied_you_are_not_happy/ (Snekyk)
%
For a very brief moment, when you toss a rock into the ocean you create an island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxexqc/for_a_very_brief_moment_when_you_toss_a_rock_into/ (harlsey)
%
Vegans spend more money on preparing tofu than it costs for a 6 oz steak

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxewge/vegans_spend_more_money_on_preparing_tofu_than_it/ (king_noble)
%
The idea of immortality is much more terrifying than our certain death

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeug0/the_idea_of_immortality_is_much_more_terrifying/ (SpartanSeal327)
%
There are probably a good amount of teachers out there who read at the same level as their students

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeu2p/there_are_probably_a_good_amount_of_teachers_out/ ([deleted])
%
Oil comes from fossils of animals we will never see in person

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxet5b/oil_comes_from_fossils_of_animals_we_will_never/ (king_noble)
%
Grape nuts aren't grapes nor nuts

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeqx3/grape_nuts_arent_grapes_nor_nuts/ (king_noble)
%
In Aladdin, Aladdin could've bypassed the three rules by wishing for no rules, then for more wishes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeqgi/in_aladdin_aladdin_couldve_bypassed_the_three/ (5minusone)
%
Animals could have a type of "n word" that we don't know of yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxep2w/animals_could_have_a_type_of_n_word_that_we_dont/ (X_NonTron)
%
The feeling the day after blacking out with alcohol and ambien must be like what werewolves go through after a full moon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeopb/the_feeling_the_day_after_blacking_out_with/ (nanocyte)
%
The most unaffectionate thing a dog can do is be affectionate when they are wet

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeoe3/the_most_unaffectionate_thing_a_dog_can_do_is_be/ (going-on-empty)
%
Whoever invented the trumpet must have thought making fart sounds was music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxen9g/whoever_invented_the_trumpet_must_have_thought/ (andyn16h)
%
We have each personally been responsible for the deaths of over a billion different lifeforms during our lifetime

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxemrl/we_have_each_personally_been_responsible_for_the/ ([deleted])
%
After failure comes success but nobody says 100% failure guaranteed, everyone wants to keep sounding good while truth is something else

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxem4q/after_failure_comes_success_but_nobody_says_100/ ([deleted])
%
The opposite of ketchup is throw down

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxelow/the_opposite_of_ketchup_is_throw_down/ (TXheathen)
%
There’s a point in a TV show’s lifespan where they stop wondering if celebrities will come on and start wondering when

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxejqo/theres_a_point_in_a_tv_shows_lifespan_where_they/ (Sombrero_Dog)
%
There is oxygen in space, it’s just super spread out.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeixj/there_is_oxygen_in_space_its_just_super_spread_out/ (TheMaskedGeode)
%
The first humans were black

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxehp0/the_first_humans_were_black/ (N_Paganini_1782)
%
Everything t and everyone has a flavor

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeh59/everything_t_and_everyone_has_a_flavor/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
No one ever brushes their teeth laying down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxegfl/no_one_ever_brushes_their_teeth_laying_down/ (ButWithEdits)
%
Every food ingredient tastes good with tomato, except for drinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxegby/every_food_ingredient_tastes_good_with_tomato/ (Vanadium_Milk)
%
Connect 4 is tic-tac-toe but larger

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeerw/connect_4_is_tictactoe_but_larger/ (Fire_Boogaloo)
%
Nowadays, it is almost rude to ask a question instead of Googling it first

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeejw/nowadays_it_is_almost_rude_to_ask_a_question/ ([deleted])
%
You have probably walked past somebody you have talked to on the internet without realizing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxee7v/you_have_probably_walked_past_somebody_you_have/ (Zombiepixlz-gamr)
%
The younger sibling is always wrong according to older siblings

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxee5n/the_younger_sibling_is_always_wrong_according_to/ (floppy-the-whale)
%
Thanks to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, some of us may have come across the farts of our ancestors.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxecdp/thanks_to_the_2nd_law_of_thermodynamics_some_of/ (Maryshka_)
%
Mowing the lawn feels better with a gun just in case

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxec4n/mowing_the_lawn_feels_better_with_a_gun_just_in/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
The opposite of toes is fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxebfp/the_opposite_of_toes_is_fingers/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
The opposite of less much is more little.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeb5e/the_opposite_of_less_much_is_more_little/ (welcometothebakeryy)
%
Buy a tanning bed for yourself and you’re popular and shiny. Buy a tanning bed your your son, your baby boy, and suddenly you are deemed an ethically questionable person at the next community meeting

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeb08/buy_a_tanning_bed_for_yourself_and_youre_popular/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
People with no fingers couldn’t play any instrument except bongos. People with no palms can play any instrument but bongos

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxea9p/people_with_no_fingers_couldnt_play_any/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Sand paper isn’t good sand or paper

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe83o/sand_paper_isnt_good_sand_or_paper/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Food looks delicious until the moment you declare it bad and then it instantly becomes disgusting

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe7k0/food_looks_delicious_until_the_moment_you_declare/ (dakdow)
%
Nepotism is frowned upon, but being “family owned and operated” for generations is something businesses brag about

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe799/nepotism_is_frowned_upon_but_being_family_owned/ (feliscumpleanos)
%
This thought was posted from the shower to prove a point to a dumbass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe6w1/this_thought_was_posted_from_the_shower_to_prove/ (thef-ckyoucantgive)
%
There is no measure scale for smells.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe6d6/there_is_no_measure_scale_for_smells/ (Chrysiogenes)
%
Birthdays are good for your health. The more of them you have, the longer your life will last.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe65z/birthdays_are_good_for_your_health_the_more_of/ (EthanHawkward)
%
Guys have their happiness stored in their balls. That's why they feel really happy before climax but a little empty inside after ejaculating

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe5tt/guys_have_their_happiness_stored_in_their_balls/ (YouTubeLawyer1)
%
“Ready, Player One” is a prequel to “The Matrix”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe5sr/ready_player_one_is_a_prequel_to_the_matrix/ (Mdgt_Pope)
%
Your body is a 3D printer, and your DNA is the blueprint.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe20w/your_body_is_a_3d_printer_and_your_dna_is_the/ (Th3L10nsR0ar09)
%
People born in years that end in zero are probably worse at math because of less experience

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe1xm/people_born_in_years_that_end_in_zero_are/ (dollar_signTexas)
%
We have the most inspiration when we have least things to see, e.g., before sleep, or even during sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe1fq/we_have_the_most_inspiration_when_we_have_least/ (PhD3DP)
%
It sucks that all drinks except for water are filled either with sugar, sodium, syrup or alcohol...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe0bc/it_sucks_that_all_drinks_except_for_water_are/ (NightRaven1122)
%
If we put a mirror really far into space we’d see dinosaurs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxduwr/if_we_put_a_mirror_really_far_into_space_wed_see/ (ben-dover69your-nan-)
%
Standing at Mt Everest at night you could be the furthest person away from the sun.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxduo2/standing_at_mt_everest_at_night_you_could_be_the/ (SoepjesKoekjes)
%
In the X-men universe there’s probably a couple forecasters who ask storm how she’s feeling before reporting the weather.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdsqk/in_the_xmen_universe_theres_probably_a_couple/ (kingquan611)
%
People protesting against what you believe in make great backdrops for photos

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxds83/people_protesting_against_what_you_believe_in/ (kb9316)
%
Marijuana is criminal. Driving a tank is not criminal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdqi2/marijuana_is_criminal_driving_a_tank_is_not/ (YouTubeLawyer1)
%
Chicken restaurants accept one type of tender for another.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdpph/chicken_restaurants_accept_one_type_of_tender_for/ (DrAwkward404)
%
Canadians take maple syrup completely for granted. They actually pour the souvenir on their food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdog1/canadians_take_maple_syrup_completely_for_granted/ (Macnrayna)
%
A good bass solo uses chords rather than single notes. A good guitar solo single notes rather than chords.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdo4v/a_good_bass_solo_uses_chords_rather_than_single/ (Elephant_Banana)
%
Someday, your picture may be used on sites accusing you of crimes you never did, and people are going to believe it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdnjc/someday_your_picture_may_be_used_on_sites/ ([deleted])
%
It is nearly impossible to post an original thought here.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdlrb/it_is_nearly_impossible_to_post_an_original/ (why-wwhynot)
%
Chocolate and vanilla are considered opposites because of their colours, not flavours

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdkyt/chocolate_and_vanilla_are_considered_opposites/ (Shrek_inthe_mirror)
%
Most kids in Kindergarten can't spell kindergarten.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdjzu/most_kids_in_kindergarten_cant_spell_kindergarten/ (EaterOfYourSOUL)
%
It is possible that, since dolphins from separate regions can talk to one another, they might have accents

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdij8/it_is_possible_that_since_dolphins_from_separate/ (Ep1cman152)
%
People fill their cars with gas before storms to drive against the wind. 70mph winds are nothing if you drive 70mph as a counterattack.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdhwh/people_fill_their_cars_with_gas_before_storms_to/ (PocketfulOfFart)
%
Finger and toe nails are weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdfma/finger_and_toe_nails_are_weird/ (dagman2000)
%
Meeting someone new will never be the same

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdfcm/meeting_someone_new_will_never_be_the_same/ ([deleted])
%
An umbrella in use is the opposite of a showerhead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdebh/an_umbrella_in_use_is_the_opposite_of_a_showerhead/ (DrAwkward404)
%
Hypnotizing is brain hacking.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxddir/hypnotizing_is_brain_hacking/ (Revolyze)
%
Future generations are going to have so many good movies to watch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxddgx/future_generations_are_going_to_have_so_many_good/ (TheReinsofFullnight)
%
Gru kidnapped Sokka's girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdahj/gru_kidnapped_sokkas_girlfriend/ (Why554535)
%
I'd like to see an new and unknown, unlikable and serious musician make songs and videos that dramatize Weird Al's works.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd9ff/id_like_to_see_an_new_and_unknown_unlikable_and/ (gregbard)
%
If you ever chipped a tooth or had a dentist drill it technically you've broken a bone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd96g/if_you_ever_chipped_a_tooth_or_had_a_dentist/ (ekkohyung)
%
We sit IN chairs, but ON couches.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd8ol/we_sit_in_chairs_but_on_couches/ (DJMOONPICKLES69)
%
It is a possibility that our default state is asleep and we wake up every morning to gather information for our dreams.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd84y/it_is_a_possibility_that_our_default_state_is/ (Ak171)
%
the fatter you get, the deeper your belly button goes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd6wv/the_fatter_you_get_the_deeper_your_belly_button/ (pastell_soelli)
%
Amazon went from boring to exciting, then back too boring.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd6tp/amazon_went_from_boring_to_exciting_then_back_too/ (DirtyPandaBoi)
%
Alcohol is a much worse substance than a standard soft drink, but for some reason they don't have to be as transparent with the nutritional information

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd5oe/alcohol_is_a_much_worse_substance_than_a_standard/ (pathemar)
%
Pinky was really the genius while Brain was insane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd454/pinky_was_really_the_genius_while_brain_was_insane/ (Anthonybrose)
%
It's sad that people are more surprised by random kindness than nastiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd357/its_sad_that_people_are_more_surprised_by_random/ (GrizzledTheGrizzly)
%
We all still live without knowing why

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd31l/we_all_still_live_without_knowing_why/ (afilipinoweeb)
%
If a dishwasher is empty it is not clean or dirty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd23d/if_a_dishwasher_is_empty_it_is_not_clean_or_dirty/ (ieatbabiessueme)
%
Fun fact: Most of the fun facts are not funny at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd1en/fun_fact_most_of_the_fun_facts_are_not_funny_at/ (combineallgoodnames)
%
Being a good wizard in Harry Potter basically comes down to your knowledge of Latin

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd189/being_a_good_wizard_in_harry_potter_basically/ (YouTubeLawyer1)
%
You don't have a skeleton inside of you. You're just a brain controlling a skeleton with meat armor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcxc2/you_dont_have_a_skeleton_inside_of_you_youre_just/ ([deleted])
%
At the wedding everyone (aside from the children) knows exactly what the bride and the groom are gonna do after it but no one talks about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcwzt/at_the_wedding_everyone_aside_from_the_children/ (Pancakeinator11)
%
Crash Bandicoot is a game where Crash is so good at doing front flips that he does them all game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcwfe/crash_bandicoot_is_a_game_where_crash_is_so_good/ (morocapri)
%
Protesting is society’s way of talking to the manager.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcw4a/protesting_is_societys_way_of_talking_to_the/ (churniglow)
%
If the two imperial dudes on the star destroyer would have blasted the escape pod at the beginning of a new hope, the whole story would have been over before it began...pennywise dollar stupid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcu85/if_the_two_imperial_dudes_on_the_star_destroyer/ (malicegarden)
%
Los Santos power grid has the same power consumption as the system it's playing on.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxctui/los_santos_power_grid_has_the_same_power/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Ass is as important as mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcs2l/ass_is_as_important_as_mouth/ (PhD3DP)
%
Blind people have the only disability where it’s not offensive to stare at them

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcrpx/blind_people_have_the_only_disability_where_its/ ([deleted])
%
Most people do a sort of ”idle animation” when they are bored and standing still.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcquo/most_people_do_a_sort_of_idle_animation_when_they/ (Robocop65)
%
If you can record and offer all the website links you have surfed to the person who needs them, you will become a very resourceful person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcp6a/if_you_can_record_and_offer_all_the_website_links/ (PhD3DP)
%
The lobsters they had in the Kitchen of the Titanic must have been so relieved.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcolh/the_lobsters_they_had_in_the_kitchen_of_the/ (VaultHunter666)
%
Considering that the chicken evolved from dinosaurs dinosaur chicken nuggets probably taste pretty close to actual dinosaurs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcnxx/considering_that_the_chicken_evolved_from/ (rosegirlkrb)
%
Nothing smells better than free cocaine

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcnnw/nothing_smells_better_than_free_cocaine/ (ShaunaRocks)
%
A blind person would think they had a perfectly normal life if nobody ever told them they were blind.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcn4k/a_blind_person_would_think_they_had_a_perfectly/ (ZackAshM)
%
Having a person who you want to hear from is as important as having a person who you want to talk to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxckrc/having_a_person_who_you_want_to_hear_from_is_as/ (PhD3DP)
%
Touching a mouse the right way can make you millions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxckov/touching_a_mouse_the_right_way_can_make_you/ (Gary_October)
%
Art always depicts rainbows against blue skies but in reality they’re usually against dark grey clouds.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxckb3/art_always_depicts_rainbows_against_blue_skies/ (jayellkay84)
%
The gear handle in Bumblebee's vehicle form could possibly be his dick

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxck9c/the_gear_handle_in_bumblebees_vehicle_form_could/ (egg_on_my_spaghet)
%
Designing Transformers must be both the hardest yet most enjoyable job ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcjrj/designing_transformers_must_be_both_the_hardest/ (egg_on_my_spaghet)
%
Someone Who Is Really Unattractive Can Also Be Considered a" Head Turner"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcjnq/someone_who_is_really_unattractive_can_also_be/ (NUTTYN)
%
You never really know how many people are looking at you with their peripheral vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcjjj/you_never_really_know_how_many_people_are_looking/ (-google-was-my-idea-)
%
Once we become an interplanetary species we will have to discard years to count our age and use hours.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxci2w/once_we_become_an_interplanetary_species_we_will/ ([deleted])
%
Since our brains operate using electrical signals, firebenders from Avatar could control thoughts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcha2/since_our_brains_operate_using_electrical_signals/ (Complex_doughnut)
%
Hail is spicy rain

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcfin/hail_is_spicy_rain/ (randomdude712)
%
Schools are to Wikipedia as Caesar is to the Library of Alexandria

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcf9h/schools_are_to_wikipedia_as_caesar_is_to_the/ (A1b2c4d3h9)
%
If one day we discover how to stop aging, people might accidentally have sex with their grandparent

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcd1u/if_one_day_we_discover_how_to_stop_aging_people/ (szczebrzeszyszynka)
%
If you're a multi billionaire, you could probably hire any game studio you want to make a AAA game to suit your own needs and fantasies

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcb72/if_youre_a_multi_billionaire_you_could_probably/ (Rust_Shackleford)
%
To think that billions have people have not been rickrolled yet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcabe/to_think_that_billions_have_people_have_not_been/ (aryanoboii)
%
If your kid was frozen completely solid, and somebody asked what was wrong, you could tell people it’s just a phase

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc9ji/if_your_kid_was_frozen_completely_solid_and/ ([deleted])
%
“Whoever did the rhyme did the crime” is possibly the most ironic statement ever.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc963/whoever_did_the_rhyme_did_the_crime_is_possibly/ (get_noob)
%
It is both a wonderful and a terrible thing to realise that you enjoy grocery shopping.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc95u/it_is_both_a_wonderful_and_a_terrible_thing_to/ (Xander_Cloud)
%
Removing the e, y, and p from empty in chronological order results in saying empty no matter what.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc8w3/removing_the_e_y_and_p_from_empty_in/ (Shawakamigo)
%
Amy Whinehouse would have recorded one hell of a good Christmas album

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc8ad/amy_whinehouse_would_have_recorded_one_hell_of_a/ (bowlsofhoney)
%
Nbdy gt tm fr vwls.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc6xw/nbdy_gt_tm_fr_vwls/ (Gary_October)
%
We could create a never ending gas supply for cooking and heating if we could bottle farts

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc6cd/we_could_create_a_never_ending_gas_supply_for/ (gaggleofllama)
%
In the NBA 2K universe, game graphics are extremely realistic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc63h/in_the_nba_2k_universe_game_graphics_are/ (AndresLV278)
%
The longest word in English is “Smiles”, there is a mile between the two S’s.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc4ox/the_longest_word_in_english_is_smiles_there_is_a/ (hendriklopez)
%
Ants are nature’s simps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc41s/ants_are_natures_simps/ (Dracovnic)
%
A sharp knife can cut anything but never itself

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc3w6/a_sharp_knife_can_cut_anything_but_never_itself/ (JBaker68)
%
The day humans no longer fear the unknown is the day that horror has fully died

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc2yr/the_day_humans_no_longer_fear_the_unknown_is_the/ (Koifish_Coyote)
%
Must be really frustrating for dogs, they just grow their claws to the right length to get that good itch and then they're cut off

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc2ea/must_be_really_frustrating_for_dogs_they_just/ (Mrmyke00)
%
A few years ago, a woman in India died and she was the last speaker of the language "Bo" and noe very close and neither very far, one day someone will die as the last speaker of "English".

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc1hb/a_few_years_ago_a_woman_in_india_died_and_she_was/ ([deleted])
%
Those who make the “fine-tuned universe” argument in support of an omniscient and benevolent creator also tend to support industries that dump gigatons of CO2 into the atmosphere, disrupting that tuning, and a seeming affront to their creator’s creation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc0qw/those_who_make_the_finetuned_universe_argument_in/ ([deleted])
%
Most wireless devices aren't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc0mw/most_wireless_devices_arent/ (darth_faader)
%
Wine is to grapes what ginger ale is to ginger, fancy juice

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbzm4/wine_is_to_grapes_what_ginger_ale_is_to_ginger/ (pandaboiiiiiiiiiiiii)
%
We are spiderwebs of nerves

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbzf5/we_are_spiderwebs_of_nerves/ (Alastiana)
%
Dogs can't sweat, but hotdogs can.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbz7v/dogs_cant_sweat_but_hotdogs_can/ (BucolicVirusOfLife)
%
Amazon Packages are Loot Boxes to Amnesiacs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbyur/amazon_packages_are_loot_boxes_to_amnesiacs/ (PixelHearts04)
%
Your stomach is always full of warm vomit

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbycl/your_stomach_is_always_full_of_warm_vomit/ ([deleted])
%
There are warm clothes for winter but there are no cold clothes for summer. Warm clothes or warm weather clothes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbuxx/there_are_warm_clothes_for_winter_but_there_are/ (PaleLetonian)
%
In space, darkness travels faster than light because it’s everywhere.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbu0r/in_space_darkness_travels_faster_than_light/ (Semi-Spicy)
%
If women are even the slightest bit attractive they can pick and choose men on dating apps, but the men take what they can get...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbtw2/if_women_are_even_the_slightest_bit_attractive/ (MrValkyrie1)
%
Conspiracy theorists have never felt so safe in their lives!

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbtl0/conspiracy_theorists_have_never_felt_so_safe_in/ (tinyTpots)
%
If You Try Hard Enough, A Bong Would Make A Incredible Cup

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbt3h/if_you_try_hard_enough_a_bong_would_make_a/ (White-boy-Asian)
%
You know how old an animal is in NYC by how much it ignores people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbt1q/you_know_how_old_an_animal_is_in_nyc_by_how_much/ (TheRealBaconBrian)
%
When you fly, you are buried in air. When you are on the ground, you are still buried in air. When you are in water, you are technically buried in air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbsv6/when_you_fly_you_are_buried_in_air_when_you_are/ (CoachFarted)
%
When you kill one bug, you potentially kill infinite numbers of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbsmi/when_you_kill_one_bug_you_potentially_kill/ (existenceispain888)
%
The chances of a stray laser from a space battle hitting earth are small but not zero.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbsmb/the_chances_of_a_stray_laser_from_a_space_battle/ (peeplandia)
%
If you think you are smarter than Albert Einstein or Steven Hawking, then you could be either really smart or really dumb

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbs8u/if_you_think_you_are_smarter_than_albert_einstein/ ([deleted])
%
Sperm is easy to get out of sheets and cloths, but difficult to get completely out of your mouth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbs6n/sperm_is_easy_to_get_out_of_sheets_and_cloths_but/ ([deleted])
%
If you think you are smarter than Albert Einstein or Steven Hawking, then you could be either really smart or really dumb

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbs6c/if_you_think_you_are_smarter_than_albert_einstein/ (JonnyCozYNot)
%
Mr. Watterson is the kids cartoon version of Peter Griffin

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbrg5/mr_watterson_is_the_kids_cartoon_version_of_peter/ (NFS_Tyrone)
%
Ever just blank out and forget you exist for a second

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbr3p/ever_just_blank_out_and_forget_you_exist_for_a/ (bnhhu)
%
If you ask Rick Astley to give you the movie Up he can't do it because he will never give you up but in doing so he will let you down. So it creates a everlasting paradox

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbqgf/if_you_ask_rick_astley_to_give_you_the_movie_up/ ([deleted])
%
Think of how many times your car alarm has sounded without you ever knowing about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbq45/think_of_how_many_times_your_car_alarm_has/ (CranberrySludge)
%
We Live In The Same World As People Who Decided To Cut Loaves Of Bread Into *UNEVEN AMOUNTS OF SLICES*

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbpnx/we_live_in_the_same_world_as_people_who_decided/ (LobotomisedRedditor)
%
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" Does not take into account masochists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxblzb/do_unto_others_as_you_would_have_them_do_unto_you/ (NjalUlf)
%
In music, the notes C and F simultaneously create a 4th and a 5th.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxblt1/in_music_the_notes_c_and_f_simultaneously_create/ (InsertStephenHere)
%
People living in Los Angeles and New York must be the only people on earth who don’t get excited when their hometown appears on in TV or film.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbl2y/people_living_in_los_angeles_and_new_york_must_be/ (OnMeFone)
%
General grievous would probably kick ass in harry potter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbkp5/general_grievous_would_probably_kick_ass_in_harry/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Once you learn how to read a language, you will never be able to see it as gibberish again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbk71/once_you_learn_how_to_read_a_language_you_will/ (LovePeaceHealth)
%
JoJo went from british guy fighting vampires to florida man resets the universe

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbiaf/jojo_went_from_british_guy_fighting_vampires_to/ (cash_money_godzilla)
%
One can only rickroll a person, who knows what a rickroll is. If they don't know, you simply made them watch a random video from their perspective.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbhv3/one_can_only_rickroll_a_person_who_knows_what_a/ (3nc0der)
%
Red velvet tastes like chocolate with strawberry

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbg9f/red_velvet_tastes_like_chocolate_with_strawberry/ (crigon559)
%
You just don’t think about your own bones even if you see a skeleton on tv.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbfvw/you_just_dont_think_about_your_own_bones_even_if/ (lurklurkpostlurkpost)
%
We were all the youngest person alive at the beginning of our lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbfkr/we_were_all_the_youngest_person_alive_at_the/ (Mborg15202)
%
You leave your watch on the counter but you watch the counter in case things get misplaced. Meanwhile your watch counts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbf2f/you_leave_your_watch_on_the_counter_but_you_watch/ (KhuntyMcKhunthles)
%
When you produce a new child, the chances of you becoming a millionaire increase ever so slightly

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbdgy/when_you_produce_a_new_child_the_chances_of_you/ (gcnHNYqvzB637fYQvQDt)
%
If all social media platfirms suddenly shut down it could completely halt society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbddc/if_all_social_media_platfirms_suddenly_shut_down/ (ManCrisp)
%
Centaurs probably slap their own asses to go faster

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbc3w/centaurs_probably_slap_their_own_asses_to_go/ (DareToDaredevil)
%
The Irish joining the French Commonwealth shows that their squabbles with the English is pure pettiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbae7/the_irish_joining_the_french_commonwealth_shows/ (BasicRedditor1997)
%
Copy + Paste is the ABCs of Computer Language

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxba4q/copy_paste_is_the_abcs_of_computer_language/ (0Stasis)
%
Most of the things we used to think of as monsters were just normal animals from different parts of the world. Dragons were probably just crocodiles or something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb9va/most_of_the_things_we_used_to_think_of_as/ (AZS9994)
%
A death certificate is a participation award/trophy that you get after you die for living your life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb8yo/a_death_certificate_is_a_participation/ (Duck_in_a_Toaster)
%
We thought the internet would enlighten us but it’s leading us into another dark ages

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb7o1/we_thought_the_internet_would_enlighten_us_but/ (beardedgandaulf)
%
If the human life span were greater, the technology of the sixties could have gotten us anywhere in the universe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb6pf/if_the_human_life_span_were_greater_the/ (IMoonGoon)
%
Cars in space have a zero fatality rate compare to cars on earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb6jr/cars_in_space_have_a_zero_fatality_rate_compare/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Bill Gates is so well-known, he could probably just show up in anybody's living room and invite himself to dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb5xo/bill_gates_is_so_wellknown_he_could_probably_just/ (Catalysten)
%
You wear shoes when they're tied on, you hold flip flops with your toes, but you *carry* slide-style sandals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb174/you_wear_shoes_when_theyre_tied_on_you_hold_flip/ (To_Circumvent)
%
Realizing that birthdays are celebrated but when it happens we get closer to death

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb0x8/realizing_that_birthdays_are_celebrated_but_when/ (kaizkie)
%
Leaves can have a skeleton but they don't have any bones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb06t/leaves_can_have_a_skeleton_but_they_dont_have_any/ (Doot-Kid)
%
You can never remember something perfectly

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaxns/you_can_never_remember_something_perfectly/ (baldmonki)
%
If you're being chased by a serial killer you're both running for your life

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaxna/if_youre_being_chased_by_a_serial_killer_youre/ ([deleted])
%
Siren Head IRL would probably be an autistic person's worst nightmare.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxawzw/siren_head_irl_would_probably_be_an_autistic/ (Professor_Bookman)
%
It’s oddly difficult to draw an accurate self portrait from memory considering how often we look at ourselves in mirrors and pictures.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxawfg/its_oddly_difficult_to_draw_an_accurate_self/ (SailingTheMilkyWay)
%
Every Harry Potter book had the same plot twist; “things are not what they appear because... MAGIC!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxavts/every_harry_potter_book_had_the_same_plot_twist/ (sachsrandy)
%
The world's smartest person must know all levels of stupidity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxavat/the_worlds_smartest_person_must_know_all_levels/ (zuwiboiii)
%
We’ve conditioned ourselves in the likes of Pavlov’s dog to the sounds of our phones notifications.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxasns/weve_conditioned_ourselves_in_the_likes_of/ (rob_macabre)
%
Ghost rider couldn't penance stare a blind person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxarq8/ghost_rider_couldnt_penance_stare_a_blind_person/ (zuwiboiii)
%
There’s a master disc for every TV laugh-track recording.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxapvr/theres_a_master_disc_for_every_tv_laughtrack/ (PrizeBudget)
%
Everything in life has an equal chance of either happening or not happening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaowh/everything_in_life_has_an_equal_chance_of_either/ (Another_Ravenclaw)
%
We could solve overpopulation if we figured out a way to safely live in Antartica.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaixf/we_could_solve_overpopulation_if_we_figured_out_a/ (Scrublord00)
%
Cameras can take a still photo of people moving at high speeds in a roller coaster, but can’t take a clear picture of a burglar.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaiqg/cameras_can_take_a_still_photo_of_people_moving/ (NASCARBoss1018)
%
Nobody ever figured out that since women get paid 70 cents on the dollar for doing the same work, if they just hire women only they'd immediately dominate the market through price competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxahp8/nobody_ever_figured_out_that_since_women_get_paid/ (taxesmakemyheadhurt)
%
Your cat could be meowing at you because she is really a lizard trapped in a cat outfit and there’s no way to know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxag53/your_cat_could_be_meowing_at_you_because_she_is/ (aliengames666)
%
If your up too late; you’re also up too early, but most importantly you are up too long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaf61/if_your_up_too_late_youre_also_up_too_early_but/ (panda1986panda)
%
The Temperature of hell is somewhere between 115.2°C and 444.6°C. or brimstone (sulfur) could not exist as a molten lake (according to Revelations 21:8)

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxae50/the_temperature_of_hell_is_somewhere_between/ (MikeW86)
%
You know you're adult when you have only licensed software on your PC

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxadmt/you_know_youre_adult_when_you_have_only_licensed/ (trailblazer86)
%
If reincarnation is real then there exists the possibility we're all the same person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxadk8/if_reincarnation_is_real_then_there_exists_the/ (_AI_BOT_)
%
As more and more people move to silent mode and do not disturb to appease their anxiety, ringtones and vibrate are slowly becoming a pastime for mobile phones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxac34/as_more_and_more_people_move_to_silent_mode_and/ (Ceraze_)
%
Thinking you’re better than other people and thinking you’re worse than other people stem from the same problem: thinking you’re somehow different/unique in relationship to other people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxabwu/thinking_youre_better_than_other_people_and/ ([deleted])
%
If you replace the W with T in when, where, and what, you get the answer for each question.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxabdl/if_you_replace_the_w_with_t_in_when_where_and/ (PointlessBoi69)
%
Whether it's used to actually put out a fire, to break a lock, or to bust someone's face in a pinch, randomly convenient fire extinguishers in action movies really don't get enough credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaat8/whether_its_used_to_actually_put_out_a_fire_to/ (Ceraze_)
%
Orangina is 12% juice, 2% pulp...I mix an almost full glass of freshly squeezed juice orange juice with 10% club soda MAX, and it tastes exactly the same! Orangina is true alchemy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaapg/orangina_is_12_juice_2_pulpi_mix_an_almost_full/ (nightshift2525)
%
Whether it's used to actually put out a fire, to break a lock, or to bust someone's face in a pinch, randomly convenient fire extingusihers in action movies really don't get enough credit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaa2m/whether_its_used_to_actually_put_out_a_fire_to/ ([deleted])
%
Chances are, people do remember that one embarrassing moment involving you, and your paranoia is real.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa9in/chances_are_people_do_remember_that_one/ (Kosmosismywaifu)
%
Rich people singing about being rich is one of the douchiest things ever

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa7fj/rich_people_singing_about_being_rich_is_one_of/ (Hy-phenated)
%
Killing two birds with one stone never specified how many times you can throw the stone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa6wt/killing_two_birds_with_one_stone_never_specified/ (UnfortunateSock)
%
Killing two birds with one stone could be updated to killing two birds with one bullet

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa4e4/killing_two_birds_with_one_stone_could_be_updated/ ([deleted])
%
All animals must have been really slow in the past and will be faster in the future because they are in an evolutionary arms race for speed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa4aq/all_animals_must_have_been_really_slow_in_the/ (WalkingMyDogsLater)
%
Everyone likes to have a scar, but not on their face. Yet everyone likes scarface

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa3zv/everyone_likes_to_have_a_scar_but_not_on_their/ ([deleted])
%
Lint from dryers tell you the average color of the things you put in the dryer

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa3xa/lint_from_dryers_tell_you_the_average_color_of/ (CopyMyName)
%
Storm from the X-Men would have done more good by ending droughts and stopping tsunamis than she ever did by electrocuting rival mutants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa3ii/storm_from_the_xmen_would_have_done_more_good_by/ (MostWorstAlien)
%
Before anesthetics, being a dentist must’ve been a nerve wrecking experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa0d2/before_anesthetics_being_a_dentist_mustve_been_a/ ([deleted])
%
The [unspoken] hardest part of dating is meeting the perfect person for you. Then having to accept that you might not be the perfect person for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa05f/the_unspoken_hardest_part_of_dating_is_meeting/ (ricopotamus)
%
Batman v Superman taught us is that batman's true weakness is yo mamma jokes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9yvd/batman_v_superman_taught_us_is_that_batmans_true/ (zuwiboiii)
%
School trends are the childhood versions of mob mentality

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9y1r/school_trends_are_the_childhood_versions_of_mob/ ([deleted])
%
We’d lose stuff in our homes much less often if we had a better sense of smell

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9y0g/wed_lose_stuff_in_our_homes_much_less_often_if_we/ (jval_708)
%
We're walking on the immeasurable number of decomposed corpses and faeces from since the beginning of life on Earth. The organic matter in dirt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9wtv/were_walking_on_the_immeasurable_number_of/ (The_Pastmaster)
%
By extension, in the course of your lifetime you will probably have had some impact on the lives of almost everyone in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9wpp/by_extension_in_the_course_of_your_lifetime_you/ (compiled_vectors_)
%
People who go around mentioning that someone else talks a lot of shit is literally gossiping about someone gossiping

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9wdj/people_who_go_around_mentioning_that_someone_else/ ([deleted])
%
There’s a chance we can communicate with plants telepathically, they just don’t have streams of thought

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9vob/theres_a_chance_we_can_communicate_with_plants/ (probablywistful)
%
The 2nd biggest loser in the world is more of a loser than the 1st biggest loser

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9upp/the_2nd_biggest_loser_in_the_world_is_more_of_a/ (Boedekn)
%
Most people assume they know all the rules to a game by heart until they actually go to read the rules

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9t1k/most_people_assume_they_know_all_the_rules_to_a/ ([deleted])
%
pioneers won’t predict that they were going to be hated for being a subject at school.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9s9a/pioneers_wont_predict_that_they_were_going_to_be/ (Playrdude)
%
Books are the blueprint for a story that you create in your mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9s57/books_are_the_blueprint_for_a_story_that_you/ (StormOfTheVoid)
%
Killing two birds with one stone is a very gruesome expression but it is so common that nobody ever thinks about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9rzv/killing_two_birds_with_one_stone_is_a_very/ ([deleted])
%
Given that daredevil is a blind crime fighter, he would have been a much suitable batman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9rx1/given_that_daredevil_is_a_blind_crime_fighter_he/ (zuwiboiii)
%
We scream when we are scared because our body wants to scare away the threat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9rw7/we_scream_when_we_are_scared_because_our_body/ (twumbs)
%
We pay if we break the rules, we pay if we get hurt. We can get everything if we have money. Money is really all we need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9rj1/we_pay_if_we_break_the_rules_we_pay_if_we_get/ (cheesykartoffel)
%
We scream when we are scared because we want to scare away the threat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9qr3/we_scream_when_we_are_scared_because_we_want_to/ ([deleted])
%
If players hear boss music, then bosses hear player music

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9plv/if_players_hear_boss_music_then_bosses_hear/ (TheFatPigeon12)
%
Birds evolved into tiny, flying T-Rexes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9oqj/birds_evolved_into_tiny_flying_trexes/ (mccarthybergeron)
%
You know you've had a long day when you just want tomorrow to be f*cking over already

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9o3b/you_know_youve_had_a_long_day_when_you_just_want/ (DeathDestroyer90)
%
Clarity is having a cleared mind. So, post-nut clarity must be that your sexual thoughts are cleared, so the more of those thoughts you have, the greater your clarity will be

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9nvd/clarity_is_having_a_cleared_mind_so_postnut/ (fierydumpster)
%
Nightcore is rule 34 of music. No matter what it is, if it exists, there's nightcore out of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9nbx/nightcore_is_rule_34_of_music_no_matter_what_it/ (Aurora_the_queen)
%
If the rapture ever happens, there are gonna be a lot of confused nudist colonies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9mxv/if_the_rapture_ever_happens_there_are_gonna_be_a/ (Rotten-flan)
%
The smarter the TV, the more stupid the Remote

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9le5/the_smarter_the_tv_the_more_stupid_the_remote/ (Contrary_Man)
%
Mince is dead animal spaghetti.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9l66/mince_is_dead_animal_spaghetti/ (shaunvonsleaze)
%
The early bird gets the worm but the early worms gets eaten. The purpose of life is trying to figure out if you’re a bird or a worm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9kzw/the_early_bird_gets_the_worm_but_the_early_worms/ (MrCrash2U)
%
It has become pretty obvious that it really wouldn’t be very hard to find employees for a Death Star.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9kvs/it_has_become_pretty_obvious_that_it_really/ (Josefest)
%
There is a chance the death of harambe really led to every catastrophic event after through a butterfly effect.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9ktv/there_is_a_chance_the_death_of_harambe_really_led/ (gxtitan)
%
If you see 'red' as 'green' but 'green' as 'red', people wouldn't know as you'd still agree on the same thing being the same color

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9kqc/if_you_see_red_as_green_but_green_as_red_people/ (bjiwekls32)
%
The moment you become independent, your free trial of life expires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9j4h/the_moment_you_become_independent_your_free_trial/ (Joalou)
%
“I didn’t lose any sleep over it”, makes perfect sense both literally and figuratively.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9j3z/i_didnt_lose_any_sleep_over_it_makes_perfect/ (MansNotHot772)
%
If we find a UFO it won’t be an Unidentified Flying Object anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9it5/if_we_find_a_ufo_it_wont_be_an_unidentified/ (Leonardjackman)
%
Pathologists/histologists would make excellent butchers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9htf/pathologistshistologists_would_make_excellent/ (BlanketMage)
%
A small percentage of those discarded clothes you see lying around are from secret agents changing disguises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9hbg/a_small_percentage_of_those_discarded_clothes_you/ (AnbuDaddy6969)
%
An immediate family is technically anyone who’s been inside one particular woman

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9ecy/an_immediate_family_is_technically_anyone_whos/ (okthennoobs)
%
People with OCD must hate going to the gym

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9dsb/people_with_ocd_must_hate_going_to_the_gym/ (Shadowhunter155)
%
You spend your whole life learning to take care of yourself just to have someone take care of you later.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9c6t/you_spend_your_whole_life_learning_to_take_care/ ([deleted])
%
Missiles don’t sound accurate at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9c4a/missiles_dont_sound_accurate_at_all/ (DeadYen)
%
There is only a single species of ape that is not classified as threatened, and that's us

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9c0f/there_is_only_a_single_species_of_ape_that_is_not/ (AxialGem)
%
Sharkboy Taylor and Twilight Taylor are only 3 years apart

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9bey/sharkboy_taylor_and_twilight_taylor_are_only_3/ (Kamichu1)
%
Finding out that a person you admire has the same bad habit as you feels way better than actually getting rid of that bad habit

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9a2v/finding_out_that_a_person_you_admire_has_the_same/ (jaden398)
%
Your head is too small if you can touch both ears with one hand.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx997d/your_head_is_too_small_if_you_can_touch_both_ears/ (RobertGBradley)
%
We've been promised a life with crystal-clear video from cameras and screens of ever higher definition, but have come to perfectly accept stuff re-uploaded so many times we can't even make out faces on people anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx97l3/weve_been_promised_a_life_with_crystalclear_video/ (kngfbng)
%
When you fly, you are buried in air. When you are on the ground, you are still buried in air. When you are in water, you are technically buried in air.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx97ee/when_you_fly_you_are_buried_in_air_when_you_are/ ([deleted])
%
Saying everyone might see color a different way is the exact same as saying everyone tastes food in a different way. What might taste like an ice cream sundae to me, might taste like short ribs with BBQ sauce to you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx95xi/saying_everyone_might_see_color_a_different_way/ (sixesand7s)
%
At a young age we learned from online games that the internet is full of scammers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx953a/at_a_young_age_we_learned_from_online_games_that/ (cnnxn)
%
It's unfortunate that the word 'palindrome' isn't actually a palindrome itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx93wv/its_unfortunate_that_the_word_palindrome_isnt/ (thegreatbobin0_)
%
The biggest symptom of dieing is living

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx93lw/the_biggest_symptom_of_dieing_is_living/ (SlimyPig1)
%
You don’t actually know what day you were born. You’re just taking everyone’s word for it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx91d2/you_dont_actually_know_what_day_you_were_born/ (appleijunkie)
%
Pooping is primitive 3d printing

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx919j/pooping_is_primitive_3d_printing/ (dalekfromskaro)
%
You and someone a thousand years ago have drank the same water

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8znp/you_and_someone_a_thousand_years_ago_have_drank/ (SlimyPig1)
%
Visual dad joke: Someone responds to you with a picture of a bee, scratching itself. Get it? Calling you a bee-itch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8y3k/visual_dad_joke_someone_responds_to_you_with_a/ (KubrickIsMyCopilot)
%
The idea of laying in a hammock is much more pleasant than actually laying in a hammock.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8xsg/the_idea_of_laying_in_a_hammock_is_much_more/ (Icouldberight)
%
You don’t buy a good homing pigeon, you rent it .

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8u3s/you_dont_buy_a_good_homing_pigeon_you_rent_it/ (shadowturdfurgison)
%
If a holy man blesses the ocean, we can use the whole thing to kill vampires.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8snk/if_a_holy_man_blesses_the_ocean_we_can_use_the/ (NicholasRyanH)
%
Most people have touched glass more than anything else.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8rgt/most_people_have_touched_glass_more_than_anything/ ([deleted])
%
All of the major stories about screaming in a forest or the mountains, are probably fake it was just a mountain lion screaming.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8r34/all_of_the_major_stories_about_screaming_in_a/ (hungryfordonuts5)
%
People with contacts would probably be the first to die when marooned on a desert island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8puv/people_with_contacts_would_probably_be_the_first/ (uglyindianboi)
%
Every dick has been inside a woman.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8oep/every_dick_has_been_inside_a_woman/ ([deleted])
%
Billions of mobile phone cameras in the world and still no real evidence of UFOs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8o4o/billions_of_mobile_phone_cameras_in_the_world_and/ ([deleted])
%
Amazon uses the verbiage: “guaranteed delivery by” but owe no-one if the guarantee is invalid

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8o1f/amazon_uses_the_verbiage_guaranteed_delivery_by/ (PloxtTY)
%
Mosquitoes are the #1 predator to humans

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8mvy/mosquitoes_are_the_1_predator_to_humans/ (ElBrando18)
%
If you somehow knew and memorized Everything available online, you would become a pervert

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8mpa/if_you_somehow_knew_and_memorized_everything/ (ReadToDie)
%
Strap-ons are prosthetic cocks

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8mdv/strapons_are_prosthetic_cocks/ ([deleted])
%
3/5 sounds way better than 60%

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8m41/35_sounds_way_better_than_60/ (Eastcoastfudgelover1)
%
Finding your contact lenses is pretty hard cause you need them to find them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8kxh/finding_your_contact_lenses_is_pretty_hard_cause/ (Strangeduh)
%
When we turn into adults we basically get paid to get out of the house.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8jjr/when_we_turn_into_adults_we_basically_get_paid_to/ (AshD_2019)
%
The under armor logo looks like a dog bone

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8iwk/the_under_armor_logo_looks_like_a_dog_bone/ (Turtgang42)
%
If fruit screamed as we peeled back their skin/rind, these tasty snacks would not be so enjoyable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8ikb/if_fruit_screamed_as_we_peeled_back_their/ (Yonfire)
%
If you ignore something long enough, it will disappear... eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8hk9/if_you_ignore_something_long_enough_it_will/ (wert33223344)
%
Most people don't know most people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8h8k/most_people_dont_know_most_people/ (SlimyPig1)
%
When you play games on easy mode, it’s on hard mode for the enemies

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8h5v/when_you_play_games_on_easy_mode_its_on_hard_mode/ ([deleted])
%
The rocks that the first cavemen used to make fire are still out there somewhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8gyc/the_rocks_that_the_first_cavemen_used_to_make/ (QueenElsaArrendelle)
%
If you land on someone else's property in Monopoly, and it doesn't have a house, you're quite literally paying rent to live on the streets.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8g45/if_you_land_on_someone_elses_property_in_monopoly/ (Kalajasavakuy)
%
Airsoft guys try to act like they are in the military, but nerf guys try to act like they play airsoft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8f4f/airsoft_guys_try_to_act_like_they_are_in_the/ (Mr_Piggles329)
%
"When you kill a killer the number of killers stays the same" may not be true, but when you kill a killer the number of murders commited by living people stays the same, unless you kill someone and THEN yourself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8c8l/when_you_kill_a_killer_the_number_of_killers/ ([deleted])
%
When a show gets removed and then picked up by a different network, the writers not only just gained the ability to talk shit on the original network, they also gained the motivation to do so

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8c7l/when_a_show_gets_removed_and_then_picked_up_by_a/ ([deleted])
%
Knees are leg elbows

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8b0i/knees_are_leg_elbows/ (m4ve_)
%
It would suck to be the person that has to read Morgan Freeman's eulogy

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8auc/it_would_suck_to_be_the_person_that_has_to_read/ (KoalaTeaSenpai)
%
Insurance companies and fitness gyms have the same business model. They count on people to pay for them but not use them to make a profit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx89py/insurance_companies_and_fitness_gyms_have_the/ (adamantcondition)
%
If you stack 2 Italies on top of each other, it would kill a lot of people

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx89fz/if_you_stack_2_italies_on_top_of_each_other_it/ (egyuhwervewu)
%
Genghis Khan must’ve had all the stds

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx890j/genghis_khan_mustve_had_all_the_stds/ (Fossil-boy07)
%
Getting a cold next winter is going to be super stressful

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx88tf/getting_a_cold_next_winter_is_going_to_be_super/ (1ucky731)
%
The riot scenes in the Joker movie are happening in US.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx88ig/the_riot_scenes_in_the_joker_movie_are_happening/ (PhD3DP)
%
"Paper or plastic" could also refer to a method of payment

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx87yz/paper_or_plastic_could_also_refer_to_a_method_of/ (TheyCallMeDrAsshole)
%
Some people turn into forbidden vegetables.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx876n/some_people_turn_into_forbidden_vegetables/ ([deleted])
%
It’s definitely possible that two best friends in real life unknowingly hate each other online

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx85d2/its_definitely_possible_that_two_best_friends_in/ (husbus)
%
Fish that live at the top of the ocean are probably seen as “birds” for fish that live near the bottom of the ocean.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx84o4/fish_that_live_at_the_top_of_the_ocean_are/ (verynice020)
%
People recognize greatness only when some authority confirms it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx83o6/people_recognize_greatness_only_when_some/ (Dgvjy2003)
%
"I love fishes" is worlds apart from "I love fish"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx83ic/i_love_fishes_is_worlds_apart_from_i_love_fish/ (vasudaiva_kutumbakam)
%
No one is truly good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx83gv/no_one_is_truly_good/ (InFinder2004)
%
Looking at how often someone's car has been keyed is a decent indicator of how big an asshole they are

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx82vo/looking_at_how_often_someones_car_has_been_keyed/ (EtOHMartini)
%
Whenever someone makes a Simpsons reference it's not a scene in which Bart is being disrespectful to authority

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8270/whenever_someone_makes_a_simpsons_reference_its/ (jsmitter)
%
Someone thought that killing an animal then consuming their innards was a good idea

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx81pp/someone_thought_that_killing_an_animal_then/ (Johnzander0)
%
If the Mongols didn’t invade Baghdad, Then Arabic would’ve been the Leading language in the world instead of English

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7zj3/if_the_mongols_didnt_invade_baghdad_then_arabic/ (Omaralqethami)
%
Learning to play songs on the guitar is more or less just learning different dances for your fingers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7xaq/learning_to_play_songs_on_the_guitar_is_more_or/ ([deleted])
%
Any electric device in a virtual world is powered by real world electricity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7wxg/any_electric_device_in_a_virtual_world_is_powered/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Hate is affection with negative numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7uwj/hate_is_affection_with_negative_numbers/ ([deleted])
%
Zeros either make things expensive or cheap depending on the way you look at it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7uka/zeros_either_make_things_expensive_or_cheap/ (florida-made)
%
Cash is the universal gift card.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7ttq/cash_is_the_universal_gift_card/ ([deleted])
%
The difference between making coffee and pasta is whether you keep the solid or the liquid

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7s2f/the_difference_between_making_coffee_and_pasta_is/ ([deleted])
%
There's a 99% chance you'll lose something you put somewhere so as to not lose it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7nmr/theres_a_99_chance_youll_lose_something_you_put/ (Redeemer2911)
%
The world needs slapstick comedy more than it realizes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7gzi/the_world_needs_slapstick_comedy_more_than_it/ (AlphaKuupa)
%
The fact that we drive cars so mindlessly with people's lives at stake is a scary thing

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7dvi/the_fact_that_we_drive_cars_so_mindlessly_with/ (hippietravel)
%
A chef's work goes down the drain eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7djf/a_chefs_work_goes_down_the_drain_eventually/ ([deleted])
%
Thank you emails are waste, essential, unnecessary, and necessary.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7bj7/thank_you_emails_are_waste_essential_unnecessary/ (nameABOVEall)
%
"Silence is what speaks the loudest" doesn't really apply to people with tinnitus.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7b1e/silence_is_what_speaks_the_loudest_doesnt_really/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Someone out there could be thinking about you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7aqe/someone_out_there_could_be_thinking_about_you/ ([deleted])
%
"Anything written between quotation marks looks more profound than it really is."

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7a26/anything_written_between_quotation_marks_looks/ (hazyheadd)
%
Korra, from the avatar series, has the ability to make an ironman suit.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx79k7/korra_from_the_avatar_series_has_the_ability_to/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Our entire system of counting in cycles of 10 is based on how many fingers we have to count on...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx78o5/our_entire_system_of_counting_in_cycles_of_10_is/ (Badappolo)
%
Alcoholism genes are likely preserved by increasing promiscuous behavior

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx78kl/alcoholism_genes_are_likely_preserved_by/ (snubber)
%
In regular movies, you write a script then film. In nature documentaries, you film then write a script.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx77s4/in_regular_movies_you_write_a_script_then_film_in/ (Patrick_Stars_Dad)
%
The word, “Truth” only exists because of lies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx76s7/the_word_truth_only_exists_because_of_lies/ (Human_Kaleidoscope_7)
%
Pythons and boa constrictors are the cuddliest of all animals

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx76hs/pythons_and_boa_constrictors_are_the_cuddliest_of/ (broha89)
%
There are more booty cheeks than the worlds population

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx768j/there_are_more_booty_cheeks_than_the_worlds/ ([deleted])
%
There are two countries that both hold the title for "most mined country in the world". One is laced with explosives and the other with valuable ores

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx75ea/there_are_two_countries_that_both_hold_the_title/ (stabby_joe)
%
Multiple cats living at the same house probably see themselves more as colleagues than room mates

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx74tr/multiple_cats_living_at_the_same_house_probably/ (ThatGameBoyle)
%
Monopoly is one of the only board games you go into knowing you probably won’t finish

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx741j/monopoly_is_one_of_the_only_board_games_you_go/ (TheFlame150)
%
Socks seem clean based on whether they're flipped inside out

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx737p/socks_seem_clean_based_on_whether_theyre_flipped/ (Alext2k)
%
Getting a cold sore, spot or dental surgery done wouldn't be so bad at the moment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx71xs/getting_a_cold_sore_spot_or_dental_surgery_done/ (Fiale440)
%
If the muffin would have stayed quiet, calm and steady someone would have surely eaten it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx71rv/if_the_muffin_would_have_stayed_quiet_calm_and/ (thou_undercoverjack)
%
Nameless bad guys in comics only have good aim if the target is bulletproof

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6z2f/nameless_bad_guys_in_comics_only_have_good_aim_if/ (Taylor-B-)
%
Records are a physical embodiment of music.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6vem/records_are_a_physical_embodiment_of_music/ (OmegianLord)
%
Unidentified Federal Officers (UFOs) are abducting people

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6u7z/unidentified_federal_officers_ufos_are_abducting/ (menervan)
%
It's very disturbing that the history we learn isn't 100% true and many interesting moments have been hidden, covered up or changed completely to fit those who pass it down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6tc6/its_very_disturbing_that_the_history_we_learn/ (SteliosJ7)
%
Somewhere there is a rock, or what’s left of it, that is indirectly responsible for creation of all other tools.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6rz3/somewhere_there_is_a_rock_or_whats_left_of_it/ ([deleted])
%
Just like fruits and vegetables, people get wrinkly when near their expiration date.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6pr7/just_like_fruits_and_vegetables_people_get/ ([deleted])
%
Off the top of your head, you can't count exactly 15 different items without using numbers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6o9j/off_the_top_of_your_head_you_cant_count_exactly/ (CommentDebate)
%
Sometimes trying to discern if you’re depressed or if you just have an accurate perception of reality is difficult

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6n6c/sometimes_trying_to_discern_if_youre_depressed_or/ ([deleted])
%
When you light a campfire, it heats the whole world

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6m50/when_you_light_a_campfire_it_heats_the_whole_world/ (360Bowscopez)
%
If you stare at the sun long enough, you get a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6lrs/if_you_stare_at_the_sun_long_enough_you_get_a_dog/ (ChaddyMcChadface)
%
If you never doubt or question whether you’re a good person, you probably aren’t one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6kj0/if_you_never_doubt_or_question_whether_youre_a/ ([deleted])
%
On a microwave, putting in 60 is the same as putting in 100.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6hfy/on_a_microwave_putting_in_60_is_the_same_as/ ([deleted])
%
If you get enough tattoos, the number of tattoos you have starts going down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6h07/if_you_get_enough_tattoos_the_number_of_tattoos/ (dan52895)
%
A cloudy day could make it look like morning or late afternoon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6g9v/a_cloudy_day_could_make_it_look_like_morning_or/ (farooqskariem)
%
Donuts are deep fried cake

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6f4b/donuts_are_deep_fried_cake/ (katyushawashere)
%
Algae is the quiet kid who does all the work but never get credit for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6ebf/algae_is_the_quiet_kid_who_does_all_the_work_but/ (sidorsidd)
%
Technically if you have to much of anything. It will kill you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6bal/technically_if_you_have_to_much_of_anything_it/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
%
Maybe groundhog day was just a custom westworld map

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6b9e/maybe_groundhog_day_was_just_a_custom_westworld/ (The_OMG)
%
The loudest person in the room is often the stupidest.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6a01/the_loudest_person_in_the_room_is_often_the/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
%
You encounter more numbers in one day than you could probably count in a year

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx69mb/you_encounter_more_numbers_in_one_day_than_you/ (poolside123)
%
The unidentified officers attacking people in Portland are the exact people the 2nd amendment was meant to protect us from but the people in love with the 2nd amendment think they are on the same side.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx68gx/the_unidentified_officers_attacking_people_in/ (I_Am_Justin_Tyler)
%
Shaving foam lets you know which part was shaved and which part wasn't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx66qe/shaving_foam_lets_you_know_which_part_was_shaved/ (CommentDebate)
%
A fuckton can be any amount.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx65pf/a_fuckton_can_be_any_amount/ ([deleted])
%
The stigma associated with being scared has probably taken quite a few lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx65at/the_stigma_associated_with_being_scared_has/ (WormEatingMan)
%
The word "eye" translates to "ojo" in Spanish. But the word "eyeball" gets an upgrade to "globo ocular".

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx64uy/the_word_eye_translates_to_ojo_in_spanish_but_the/ (SFinTX)
%
Everybody is full of themself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx63ph/everybody_is_full_of_themself/ (DancingBear2020)
%
Technically the gun doesn't kill the person. The bullet does... The gun just helps the bullet get there...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx636y/technically_the_gun_doesnt_kill_the_person_the/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
%
If you drink while you pee do you have an unlimited stream of pee

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx61n0/if_you_drink_while_you_pee_do_you_have_an/ (throwaway_1_8)
%
If avatar Aang was in space he couldn't be able to airbend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx61e5/if_avatar_aang_was_in_space_he_couldnt_be_able_to/ (Seviralath)
%
Dr. Fauci deserves all the credit in the world for not calling large groups of people fucking idiots

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx61an/dr_fauci_deserves_all_the_credit_in_the_world_for/ (100kUpvotesOrBust)
%
“Get 50% off” is a weird way to advertise hair growth products

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx60sz/get_50_off_is_a_weird_way_to_advertise_hair/ (anaheimducksss)
%
Most social media would never work without a critical mass of people posting things that could ruin their careers or lives to maintain a sufficient level of drama to keep the platform relevant and interesting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx60ht/most_social_media_would_never_work_without_a/ (RockinandChalkin)
%
Having a low IQ might make watching movies more enjoyable

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6077/having_a_low_iq_might_make_watching_movies_more/ (darkyf1)
%
Ifever a grasshopper lands on your arm, for a brief moment, it's a hairhopper.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5zj0/ifever_a_grasshopper_lands_on_your_arm_for_a/ (ZzKRzZ)
%
Porn in 2021 Will be like

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5unv/porn_in_2021_will_be_like/ (tondo22)
%
Once you play Cards Against Humanity, there's no going back to Apples to Apples

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5q48/once_you_play_cards_against_humanity_theres_no/ (KitKat42o)
%
The older you get the harder it is to find your date of birth in dropdown lists.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5o8v/the_older_you_get_the_harder_it_is_to_find_your/ ([deleted])
%
I've always wondered when "falling over" becomes "having a fall".

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5lz8/ive_always_wondered_when_falling_over_becomes/ (jutepod)
%
When a story ends with “it was all just a dream”, it’s not only a cheap ending but an excuse for plot holes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5lro/when_a_story_ends_with_it_was_all_just_a_dream/ (TheDumbestTimeline)
%
The wizarding world could be real, just their magic is so advanced we don’t know.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5l8t/the_wizarding_world_could_be_real_just_their/ (Mik333e)
%
It's impossible to have a weighted blanket in the ISS

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5kva/its_impossible_to_have_a_weighted_blanket_in_the/ (Hipster_Archimedes)
%
Nobody actually reads the rules for Monopoly, unless a fight occurs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5iqc/nobody_actually_reads_the_rules_for_monopoly/ (Niels_h_)
%
The only good thing about getting amnesia is that you get to try something new every day

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5hnv/the_only_good_thing_about_getting_amnesia_is_that/ ([deleted])
%
If something is wholesome, we try to make it cursed, if there is something cursed we try to make it wholesome.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5fzs/if_something_is_wholesome_we_try_to_make_it/ (Superphobe776)
%
Being good at doing nothing is very different from not being good at doing anything

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5f5k/being_good_at_doing_nothing_is_very_different/ (c_h_a_r_)
%
Male boxers are still longer than some of the girls short and they do it in WINTER

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5duv/male_boxers_are_still_longer_than_some_of_the/ (ember-main)
%
People have customizable skins.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5dq1/people_have_customizable_skins/ (stinkywookie)
%
It will be a complicated year for the Darwin Awards...there are so many good contenders to choose from!

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5bkc/it_will_be_a_complicated_year_for_the_darwin/ (AlpacaInk)
%
Getting booted from a furry convention makes you a "Fursona Non Grata."

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx59be/getting_booted_from_a_furry_convention_makes_you/ (BillionTonsHyperbole)
%
Clothes are customizable skins for all animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx595z/clothes_are_customizable_skins_for_all_animals/ (Invincibro)
%
Someone alive has the highest probability of getting the USB plugin right on the first try.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx57uy/someone_alive_has_the_highest_probability_of/ (Wernershnitzl)
%
Antiques Roadshow is Quality TV

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx57bu/antiques_roadshow_is_quality_tv/ (cassawest)
%
People go for a run to get better at running so that it’s easier to go for a run

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx55wr/people_go_for_a_run_to_get_better_at_running_so/ ([deleted])
%
The Alpha generation is in the door of starting middle school moving gen z to the guiders of the society

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx55dh/the_alpha_generation_is_in_the_door_of_starting/ ([deleted])
%
Telling a stranger to have a nice day is polite, telling them to have a nice life is rude and a little sinister even though you will likely never see them again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx54kh/telling_a_stranger_to_have_a_nice_day_is_polite/ (BrandynBlaze)
%
For some reason you need to dedicate an entire drawer to used gift bags as a fail safe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx52bi/for_some_reason_you_need_to_dedicate_an_entire/ (Po1sonator)
%
The top trends on twitter and top posts on reddit would be so weird and full of confusion if Thanos' snap actually happened

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx51y9/the_top_trends_on_twitter_and_top_posts_on_reddit/ ([deleted])
%
"What song do you recommend?" Is a question that is forever relevant.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4z0v/what_song_do_you_recommend_is_a_question_that_is/ (zuwiboiii)
%
You're never going to see most people you've met on the Internet again

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4y8u/youre_never_going_to_see_most_people_youve_met_on/ (__Jimmy__)
%
Mocking conspiracy theorists, ostentatively stating that they're wrong and punishing them for it is exactly what conspiracy members would want to do to get people off their track.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4w3d/mocking_conspiracy_theorists_ostentatively/ (MC_Kejml)
%
Your brain will either punish or reward itself depending on "its" success and failure

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4v0q/your_brain_will_either_punish_or_reward_itself/ ([deleted])
%
*Abra ka dabra* is the lamest and fakest line party magicians repeat to convey they know magic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4tse/abra_ka_dabra_is_the_lamest_and_fakest_line_party/ (pjb0016)
%
People are meat-mechs with gray butter pilots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4sej/people_are_meatmechs_with_gray_butter_pilots/ (lfantine)
%
fossil fuels are a part of human nature if u think of it in a dumb way

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4s8k/fossil_fuels_are_a_part_of_human_nature_if_u/ (1234532145)
%
If you could feasibly dig a hole through the earth and jump in, you'd only fall down halfway. You'd have to climb up the other half.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4rpu/if_you_could_feasibly_dig_a_hole_through_the/ (mrd-uyi)
%
The expression “you killed it” probably comes from people hunting and the dad literally saying “you killed it! Good job son!”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4qje/the_expression_you_killed_it_probably_comes_from/ (husbus)
%
The first piece of bread tastes exactly like the others, but we hate it just because we don't like how it looks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4o4w/the_first_piece_of_bread_tastes_exactly_like_the/ (spookycheesepuff)
%
People always talk about protecting nature but nobody ever cares about stepping all over grass.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4o0j/people_always_talk_about_protecting_nature_but/ ([deleted])
%
Loading Screen Tips are beginning to be a thing of the past as technology gets faster.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4k1d/loading_screen_tips_are_beginning_to_be_a_thing/ (Fart_Muffler)
%
ZZ Top are weirdly impressed by an adult woman who knows how to walk

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4ii6/zz_top_are_weirdly_impressed_by_an_adult_woman/ (MatsarOne)
%
The expression “Ignore it and it’ll go away” applies perfectly to your teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4hza/the_expression_ignore_it_and_itll_go_away_applies/ ([deleted])
%
Your wife is technically your ex-girlfriend

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4hjz/your_wife_is_technically_your_exgirlfriend/ (funshitaccount)
%
if the earth actually were round, flat-earthers would look pretty silly

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4gy6/if_the_earth_actually_were_round_flatearthers/ (throwawayaccount3354)
%
People who speak less common languages must have a much smaller music selection.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4gjt/people_who_speak_less_common_languages_must_have/ (byte-boi)
%
The expression “Ignore it and it’ll go” away applies perfectly to your teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4eev/the_expression_ignore_it_and_itll_go_away_applies/ ([deleted])
%
When you have a party at your house you clean it for other people to come and mess it up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4ava/when_you_have_a_party_at_your_house_you_clean_it/ (GrumpyCheese_)
%
cold water tastes better because it tastes less

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4ak1/cold_water_tastes_better_because_it_tastes_less/ (Testing_things_out)
%
There is a number between 7 and 10^150 which is exactly the number of atoms in the entire universe

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx49uk/there_is_a_number_between_7_and_10150_which_is/ (icint)
%
When everything becomes digitalized, even books and libraries would become worthless

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4884/when_everything_becomes_digitalized_even_books/ (woofie_17)
%
If we lived in a world where spiders didn't exist, the human imagination probably wouldn't be able to come up with them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx41s7/if_we_lived_in_a_world_where_spiders_didnt_exist/ (Retrac752)
%
Sometimes the enforcement of a law is more dangerous than the law being broken

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx41l9/sometimes_the_enforcement_of_a_law_is_more/ (HerbertGoon)
%
Movies and tv shows tend to forget that people’s hair grows throughout the school year

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx40wo/movies_and_tv_shows_tend_to_forget_that_peoples/ (Cornelius_M)
%
Glasses make you look smarter but you have to fail an exam to get them

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx40he/glasses_make_you_look_smarter_but_you_have_to/ (ambitiouslearner123)
%
If Carl and Ellie couldn't afford a vacation, they wouldn't have been able to afford a baby either.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3zj0/if_carl_and_ellie_couldnt_afford_a_vacation_they/ (Angelrenate)
%
Future zombie movies will probably include people downplaying the issue and refusing to protect themselves much more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3yyr/future_zombie_movies_will_probably_include_people/ (Givemeajackson)
%
Somehow the Incredibles guessed the power of their child before it was born when they named them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3wvh/somehow_the_incredibles_guessed_the_power_of/ (Ginger312)
%
The only difference between Seth Rogen's and Jimmy Carr's laugh is that one only exhales and the other only inhales

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3tfd/the_only_difference_between_seth_rogens_and_jimmy/ (Troublemesoftly)
%
There can never be too many fish in the sea

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3sx2/there_can_never_be_too_many_fish_in_the_sea/ (rocksofiron)
%
There is a sure fire cinematic scene going on in everyone's head

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3qh6/there_is_a_sure_fire_cinematic_scene_going_on_in/ (fernandeztahi)
%
The first step to learning how to repair something is learning how to clean it properly.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3q6a/the_first_step_to_learning_how_to_repair/ (arjo_reich)
%
There's a possibility someone fucked the animal your food came from.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3pyw/theres_a_possibility_someone_fucked_the_animal/ ([deleted])
%
Observing sexual intercourse between animals is considered field biology. Doing the same with humans is considered a leisure activity.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3pw1/observing_sexual_intercourse_between_animals_is/ (Xianthu_Exists)
%
If your job involves a lot of fake moaning, being mostly naked, and rubbing your sweaty body againt a bunch of other sweaty bodies while other people watch, you might be a pro wrestler.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3oo3/if_your_job_involves_a_lot_of_fake_moaning_being/ (Myomyw)
%
All life on earth is one cell that kept dividing

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3oc1/all_life_on_earth_is_one_cell_that_kept_dividing/ (Dakrys)
%
A lot of adults are probably subconsciously traumatized from when a beloved baby toy ran low on batteries then bellowed like a demon at them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3mjc/a_lot_of_adults_are_probably_subconsciously/ (OhTheHueManatee)
%
If Smellovision was introduced, people would Rickroll others with farts

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3koh/if_smellovision_was_introduced_people_would/ (jt372)
%
The last human being alive wont definitley know if they are the last human being alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3hx3/the_last_human_being_alive_wont_definitley_know/ (Lightwingames)
%
Every tourist that barely knows your language has a language he's fluent in, and can make puns, use metaphores and tell complete stories.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3hjk/every_tourist_that_barely_knows_your_language_has/ (Darkmaster666666)
%
A password consisting of only spaces will never be suspected

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3gbi/a_password_consisting_of_only_spaces_will_never/ (Real_Normal)
%
If everyone hates the sound of their voice on recordings, Morgan Freemans voice must sound like magic in his own head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3eet/if_everyone_hates_the_sound_of_their_voice_on/ (Hank___Scorpio)
%
Major part of parenting is pretending to be excited by very boring things.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3e4l/major_part_of_parenting_is_pretending_to_be/ (__Dawn__Amber__)
%
Theme parks can take crystal clear pictures of you going really fast on a rollercoaster but banks can't take a clear enough picture of a robber standing still

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3b5g/theme_parks_can_take_crystal_clear_pictures_of/ (Doritoman265)
%
You are never bald you just have a really long neck

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx39c5/you_are_never_bald_you_just_have_a_really_long/ (RedRogue773)
%
The stimulus checks are 'advances on refundable tax credits' meaning you will have to pay back $2,400 on next year's tax return.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3713/the_stimulus_checks_are_advances_on_refundable/ ([deleted])
%
If someone could predict when a world ending meteor would hit the Earth, they wouldn’t ever be able to celebrate being correct.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx35ne/if_someone_could_predict_when_a_world_ending/ (Mentessi01)
%
"Death Becomes Her" has aged well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx34n7/death_becomes_her_has_aged_well/ (FlamDukke)
%
We learn things from other things. Saying you “only know that because of ___” is a paradox.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx341x/we_learn_things_from_other_things_saying_you_only/ (dobbyisfree0806)
%
At a certain point in size, land no longer is an island. For example, Hawaii is small and is considered to be islands, but the Americas are very large and no one ever considers them an island.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx33z6/at_a_certain_point_in_size_land_no_longer_is_an/ (Medsmercer)
%
Sharks always eat salty food

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx31iz/sharks_always_eat_salty_food/ (S4Ch13L)
%
Your House is most likely a landmark for people while driving on their daily route

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2zi6/your_house_is_most_likely_a_landmark_for_people/ (TCB_24)
%
Boneless wings are fancy nuggets made from breast meat ...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2xdm/boneless_wings_are_fancy_nuggets_made_from_breast/ (ahabthecrusader)
%
Sinners are judging sinners for sinning differently

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2xa1/sinners_are_judging_sinners_for_sinning/ (Fazlul101)
%
On planets with lower gravity people would most likely be seen as real life supermen/women.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2x6j/on_planets_with_lower_gravity_people_would_most/ (FeelingDesigner)
%
The biggest celebration of your life only happens when you pass away

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2wuo/the_biggest_celebration_of_your_life_only_happens/ (Wristyplum)
%
The biggest plot hole of The Wizard of Oz is that Dorothy wanted to go back to Kansas.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2wre/the_biggest_plot_hole_of_the_wizard_of_oz_is_that/ (HotdogOnTheGround)
%
It's always second breakfast somewhere on Middle Earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2u8t/its_always_second_breakfast_somewhere_on_middle/ (Soulfox1988)
%
The wheel is great, but how about some credit for whoever invented the CUP.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2tov/the_wheel_is_great_but_how_about_some_credit_for/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
%
Conspiracy theories like QAnon, 5G, Pizzagate, and Bill Gates seem wildly implausible to many, but they’re a lot more plausible than some guy walking on water a few thousand years ago.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2tgl/conspiracy_theories_like_qanon_5g_pizzagate_and/ ([deleted])
%
If you dropped something in a hole that goes all the way through earth, it would stop in the middle because of gravity

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2rnh/if_you_dropped_something_in_a_hole_that_goes_all/ ([deleted])
%
Everyone who‘s at least one year old has already lived his death day

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2r3z/everyone_whos_at_least_one_year_old_has_already/ (jeje17j)
%
If cats like mice why isn't there mice flavoured cat food

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2qq2/if_cats_like_mice_why_isnt_there_mice_flavoured/ (KeinenC)
%
Nowadays is okay for movies to destroy the whole world, but not one specific well known place.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2qky/nowadays_is_okay_for_movies_to_destroy_the_whole/ (r4tzt4r)
%
From the way we see people believe in outrageous theories, there's possibly a 100% chance that it does not matter what you come up with, there will always be someone who will passionately believe in it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2qgk/from_the_way_we_see_people_believe_in_outrageous/ (itsricoche)
%
We all worry about not looking good enough, but all of us will die anyways, so you might as well be content with how you look and focus on your better qualities

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2pps/we_all_worry_about_not_looking_good_enough_but/ (NovaThinksBadly)
%
When we are dreaming, we are creating our own fanfics

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2oza/when_we_are_dreaming_we_are_creating_our_own/ (CatupiryPizza)
%
Arranging a few atoms of silicone together and turning them on and off changed the entire world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2of0/arranging_a_few_atoms_of_silicone_together_and/ (PlacentaOnOnionGravy)
%
A date is in a certain way an interview for sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2o4j/a_date_is_in_a_certain_way_an_interview_for_sex/ (jeje17j)
%
Banana flavoured cookies taste totally different from banana flavoured sweets, yet neither of them taste like actual bananas

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2ndk/banana_flavoured_cookies_taste_totally_different/ (ForbiddenFajita-)
%
A burp is actually a reversed fart

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2n8g/a_burp_is_actually_a_reversed_fart/ (lilsmal)
%
Each moment we get closer to tommorow but tommorow never comes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2m6v/each_moment_we_get_closer_to_tommorow_but/ (thiccdankboy)
%
One of the most satisfying feelings while driving is lowering the gps eta by a minute.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2le5/one_of_the_most_satisfying_feelings_while_driving/ (DevonWhiteTurnUp)
%
When playing golf, you try to play as little golf as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2l7t/when_playing_golf_you_try_to_play_as_little_golf/ ([deleted])
%
Licking envelope flaps was a lot tastier as a kid.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2kwb/licking_envelope_flaps_was_a_lot_tastier_as_a_kid/ (fruity-line_segment)
%
people write books and make them into movies, but not the other way round

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2j0n/people_write_books_and_make_them_into_movies_but/ (oprahwindfury06)
%
Solving a problem (especially a big one) makes you happier than having no problems at all.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2iwr/solving_a_problem_especially_a_big_one_makes_you/ (Catalyzed_Spy)
%
If giraffes didn't have neck bones you could probably tie their neck into a bow

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2i1i/if_giraffes_didnt_have_neck_bones_you_could/ (ToeyToeToe)
%
There is tear gas and laughing gas but not gases for others emotions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2hwg/there_is_tear_gas_and_laughing_gas_but_not_gases/ ([deleted])
%
Most people like a song cause of the music but they think it’s because of the singer .

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2dke/most_people_like_a_song_cause_of_the_music_but/ ([deleted])
%
Pole vaulting is jousting for the horseless working classes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2dd2/pole_vaulting_is_jousting_for_the_horseless/ (TheSunIsActuallyCold)
%
Since the rise of the internet the world has become addicted to disinformation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2cph/since_the_rise_of_the_internet_the_world_has/ (river_tree_nut)
%
If someone found a way to control ants, they could hold the world hostage given that they have already infiltrated every country (except Antarctica)

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2ckv/if_someone_found_a_way_to_control_ants_they_could/ (zuwiboiii)
%
There are probably people who lived their whole lives not knowing they caused some of the world’s greatest tragedies.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2c54/there_are_probably_people_who_lived_their_whole/ (xcatcherontheflyx)
%
Losing one sock is worse than losing both of them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx29nf/losing_one_sock_is_worse_than_losing_both_of_them/ (Adikovec69)
%
Logan and Laura from the X-Men franchise are almost just like Joel and Ellie from The Last Of Us franchise.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx28rw/logan_and_laura_from_the_xmen_franchise_are/ (ShadowStrike2)
%
People who get up late are considered lazy but people who go to bed early are not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx28qi/people_who_get_up_late_are_considered_lazy_but/ (westernbraker)
%
There is/was a person who had taken biggest shit of the history

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx28a4/there_iswas_a_person_who_had_taken_biggest_shit/ (suyash_21)
%
There's a chance that the people and strangers you walked by probably liked you and thought about you often that day

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx281q/theres_a_chance_that_the_people_and_strangers_you/ (Deshik2)
%
Spellcheck doesn't get the respect it deserves

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx27z8/spellcheck_doesnt_get_the_respect_it_deserves/ (rohm418)
%
It’s weird how every person knows a different version of you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx27yk/its_weird_how_every_person_knows_a_different/ (joy_katie)
%
No matter how you do whatever you do there will always be some asshole telling you you're doing it wrong.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2746/no_matter_how_you_do_whatever_you_do_there_will/ ([deleted])
%
Products sold on TV can either be ‘new’ or ‘improved’ but not both.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx22a4/products_sold_on_tv_can_either_be_new_or_improved/ (ruutuser)
%
You have never seen two different people with the exact same model of glasses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx20a9/you_have_never_seen_two_different_people_with_the/ (Aryeii)
%
Everyone in the whole world could boost the economy by clicking on every ad they see for a week straight

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1znq/everyone_in_the_whole_world_could_boost_the/ (Seedpound)
%
Europeans and their descendants form the majority population on 5 continents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1ywa/europeans_and_their_descendants_form_the_majority/ (underYourBedReturns)
%
Not experiencing pain when you expect to is not worrying than experiencing pain when you don't expect to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1xyl/not_experiencing_pain_when_you_expect_to_is_not/ (Caughtinjail1)
%
Homework is unpaid overtime.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1xsk/homework_is_unpaid_overtime/ (Iruinstuffalot)
%
The highest level of proficiency in a foreign language is not understanding its puns, but understanding that they are not funny.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1xqw/the_highest_level_of_proficiency_in_a_foreign/ ([deleted])
%
In scary situations, we shout "is anyone here?" to be less confused, but we would actually be much more confused if we got an answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1vcz/in_scary_situations_we_shout_is_anyone_here_to_be/ (semsey12x)
%
People who never admit when they’re wrong assume they’re still right even when presented evidence. They’ll take their belief to the grave.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1ue8/people_who_never_admit_when_theyre_wrong_assume/ ([deleted])
%
If all of the working class people agreed money wasn’t worth anything more than the paper it’s printed on, the rich would become nearly worthless.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1u1v/if_all_of_the_working_class_people_agreed_money/ (Vslightning)
%
Evil is not the opposite of good, it is the absence of good.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1s5g/evil_is_not_the_opposite_of_good_it_is_the/ (of_little_faith)
%
If you try to ghost ride a self-driving car it would most likely stop, or steer away from you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1rwh/if_you_try_to_ghost_ride_a_selfdriving_car_it/ (smile_is_contagious)
%
If you confidently challenged a Dragon Ball character to a fight, they might think you could be hiding a lot of power, even though you'd be initially seen as a weak human

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1p6e/if_you_confidently_challenged_a_dragon_ball/ (Tramelo)
%
The sign of a successful leader is a company or team that runs well both with or without them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1nmd/the_sign_of_a_successful_leader_is_a_company_or/ (m0nkey_news)
%
Technically life is a long story about how you died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1l5t/technically_life_is_a_long_story_about_how_you/ ([deleted])
%
In 50 years only hipsters will be riding traditional bikes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1jpt/in_50_years_only_hipsters_will_be_riding/ (hexblot)
%
Friendships often start because one needs something from the other.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1jk5/friendships_often_start_because_one_needs/ ([deleted])
%
We got lucky that metals are also malleable otherwise we would have to rewire all over again if the wire broke from one point.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1i4x/we_got_lucky_that_metals_are_also_malleable/ (Lean_doc2)
%
Electronic companies could make a lot more money off of USB’s if they only sold cheap 1 MB and expensive 8 TB ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1hrz/electronic_companies_could_make_a_lot_more_money/ ([deleted])
%
We live in a society that preaches the virtues of "inclusion," but when a gentleman gamer requests participation in sexytime, he is mocked and rejected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1gec/we_live_in_a_society_that_preaches_the_virtues_of/ (Gamers_Rising)
%
Wine sold in a box is considered low class, but alcohol sold in a box indicates premium spirits.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1dqy/wine_sold_in_a_box_is_considered_low_class_but/ (overzeetop)
%
When you sleep, you’re just looking at your eyelids

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx19j6/when_you_sleep_youre_just_looking_at_your_eyelids/ (OwlFrizion)
%
You know a person is evil when you see a shoe reveal before a face reveal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx194r/you_know_a_person_is_evil_when_you_see_a_shoe/ (ScherlundGaming)
%
There are a lot of blues and yellows in the sky, but they never mix to become green.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx18kx/there_are_a_lot_of_blues_and_yellows_in_the_sky/ (CommentDebate)
%
Your Face isn't Copyrighted. You could get a tattoo of someone's face on your body and they wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx17zg/your_face_isnt_copyrighted_you_could_get_a_tattoo/ (JG22396)
%
Nails take 40+ years to decompose, so every nail you've clipped is still out there somewhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx17h6/nails_take_40_years_to_decompose_so_every_nail/ (OnlineExpat)
%
Your bank pin is 8008

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx15tr/your_bank_pin_is_8008/ (cre8tors)
%
The reason people “act” like they are “hypnotized” is to not embarrass the hypnotist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx14yn/the_reason_people_act_like_they_are_hypnotized_is/ (Aimless27)
%
It's the same people who are annoyed by broken English who blatantly talk in their native language with native people when they are on vacation

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx14gq/its_the_same_people_who_are_annoyed_by_broken/ (Kudoichi)
%
Fish think they’re flying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx142q/fish_think_theyre_flying/ ([deleted])
%
Edison was the epitome of speaking someone else's joke louder.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx13ba/edison_was_the_epitome_of_speaking_someone_elses/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
%
Breathe-blown balloons are the new letter bomb

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx129u/breatheblown_balloons_are_the_new_letter_bomb/ (albene)
%
Rain doesn’t make any noise until it hits the ground

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0zhn/rain_doesnt_make_any_noise_until_it_hits_the/ (pestopassta)
%
Life is a lot easier when your not so angry.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ysl/life_is_a_lot_easier_when_your_not_so_angry/ (DarthusBootus)
%
The vast majority of people whose left nipple isn’t constantly vibrating are dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0xmp/the_vast_majority_of_people_whose_left_nipple/ (TimmyTom32)
%
Bodybuilders are harnessing the Earth's gravity, for power, strength and size.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0xhx/bodybuilders_are_harnessing_the_earths_gravity/ (mr_dopi)
%
dwelling in red d it has become like watching a cable news channel... only approved agendas are allowed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0wgu/dwelling_in_red_d_it_has_become_like_watching_a/ (dissentIsHumanity)
%
People who share "factual" posts without reading and researching them are literally TLDRs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0u6f/people_who_share_factual_posts_without_reading/ (midwestlunatic)
%
More kids want to go high above ground rather than to go deep below the seas

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0tk1/more_kids_want_to_go_high_above_ground_rather/ (CoachFarted)
%
People tend to make rules for others, and exceptions for themselves.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0tf3/people_tend_to_make_rules_for_others_and/ (YZXFILE)
%
Banks are full of pictures of dead people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0r05/banks_are_full_of_pictures_of_dead_people/ ([deleted])
%
The fact that the word 'aggressive' has two 'G's and two 'S's seems aggressive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ola/the_fact_that_the_word_aggressive_has_two_gs_and/ (crossang)
%
A 1/10 first world problem is that internetless moment when you are leaving your flat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0o9s/a_110_first_world_problem_is_that_internetless/ (tiedurden)
%
There could be another you from another universe that is exactly the same as you on earth staring into the same mirror you are looking at.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0nxf/there_could_be_another_you_from_another_universe/ ([deleted])
%
There are roughly as many people as boobs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0nry/there_are_roughly_as_many_people_as_boobs/ (LittleJohnny_nutter)
%
We’re all just collecting data for our files.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0lqq/were_all_just_collecting_data_for_our_files/ (Masterclownfish)
%
Most foods sound the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0l6w/most_foods_sound_the_same/ (Puskock)
%
Fighter pilots would need much more of an extreme ride to have fun on a rollercoaster

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0kyc/fighter_pilots_would_need_much_more_of_an_extreme/ (ludons)
%
If you were sat on top of your own voodoo doll, you wouldn’t be able to get up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ks2/if_you_were_sat_on_top_of_your_own_voodoo_doll/ (BramleyPie)
%
instant noodles take at least 3 minutes to cook, thus it's not instant

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0keq/instant_noodles_take_at_least_3_minutes_to_cook/ (ReisenINABAoneechan)
%
A quick way to bear witness to your financial state is by taking note of where the needle on your fuel gauge has been

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ji2/a_quick_way_to_bear_witness_to_your_financial/ ([deleted])
%
The average human has 1 testicle and 1 boob

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ibm/the_average_human_has_1_testicle_and_1_boob/ ([deleted])
%
George Lucas named the main character in Star Wars after himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0i9z/george_lucas_named_the_main_character_in_star/ (squirrelgalaxy)
%
Hard candies are saliva enhancers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0i7m/hard_candies_are_saliva_enhancers/ (MrBoxman45)
%
The people who post “big things coming” and “stay tuned” will, at some point, try to sell you MLM products or real estate.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0huz/the_people_who_post_big_things_coming_and_stay/ (Christinedrink)
%
Horoscopes are excuses for shitty people to rationalize their behavior

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0hk0/horoscopes_are_excuses_for_shitty_people_to/ (ToastTheBagels)
%
The fist person to drink cow's milk must've been a real weirdo .. or very thirsty/hungry ..

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0g5c/the_fist_person_to_drink_cows_milk_mustve_been_a/ ([deleted])
%
People with invisibility powers wouldn't be able to see anything because light would come through their eyes and not in

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ep3/people_with_invisibility_powers_wouldnt_be_able/ (YaBoiEgron)
%
Rolling papers are worth nothing until you need one

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0e74/rolling_papers_are_worth_nothing_until_you_need/ (hkcin)
%
Every t‌‌ime y‌‌ou t‌‌hink h‌‌ow s‌‌mart y‌‌ou a‌‌re, i‌‌t i‌‌s a‌‌ctually y‌‌our b‌‌rain c‌‌ompliments i‌‌tself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0dhy/every_time_you_think_how_smart_you_are_it_is/ (vpetrychuk)
%
We are advancing technologically, but we are regressing as humans

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx09n0/we_are_advancing_technologically_but_we_are/ (crow047)
%
Guys get complimented rarely and mocked often, so they remember the compliments. Girls get complimented often and mocked rarely, so they remember the insults.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx092c/guys_get_complimented_rarely_and_mocked_often_so/ (JackBlacksBallSack)
%
It's easy to kill our happiness but its difficult to kill our sadness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx06nf/its_easy_to_kill_our_happiness_but_its_difficult/ (Benny_Boi246)
%
Sometimes one feels like the two ends of a loaf of bread.You're there but never mattered.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx05zi/sometimes_one_feels_like_the_two_ends_of_a_loaf/ (fernandeztahi)
%
There’s is no key to happiness. Happiness is the key and it unlocks contentment.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx05f3/theres_is_no_key_to_happiness_happiness_is_the/ (lightly_salted_fetus)
%
A lot these coverings could actually be recycled bras

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx04yq/a_lot_these_coverings_could_actually_be_recycled/ (TheBestestBeanage)
%
The biggest lie in porn is that women are always in the mood and never too tired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx03xn/the_biggest_lie_in_porn_is_that_women_are_always/ ([deleted])
%
Bologna is a hotdog pancake.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx037i/bologna_is_a_hotdog_pancake/ (EzraSteel)
%
T.G.I. Fridays is a capitalist enterprise whose identity is based on the collective disdain people have for capitalist enterprises.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx02p4/tgi_fridays_is_a_capitalist_enterprise_whose/ (Omnipotent_Napkin)
%
Your stomach forces you to feed it or it eventually kills you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx02mi/your_stomach_forces_you_to_feed_it_or_it/ (Titan_Royale)
%
At some point, there will be more social media accounts belonging to dead people that were never deleted than counts that belong to the living

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx02hw/at_some_point_there_will_be_more_social_media/ (meowzafish)
%
There is no need for a podium in the competition for the tallest man

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx01rm/there_is_no_need_for_a_podium_in_the_competition/ (oggemagnum)
%
The fact that it’s a social norm to shelter and protect your kids is our society acknowledging that the world is a shitty place

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzyzu/the_fact_that_its_a_social_norm_to_shelter_and/ (GameofFame)
%
Wishing someone happy birthday is always belated, because it's years after they were born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzyse/wishing_someone_happy_birthday_is_always_belated/ (plaguedoc)
%
Shoes aren’t a good representation of what feet look like

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzxwq/shoes_arent_a_good_representation_of_what_feet/ (xXImm0R74LXx)
%
everybody is named after their fathers and mothers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzxvz/everybody_is_named_after_their_fathers_and_mothers/ (MadsHK)
%
When using gadget, all you do is looking at squares changing colors

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzxng/when_using_gadget_all_you_do_is_looking_at/ (Kolos182)
%
Papers are worth nothing until you need one

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzx5c/papers_are_worth_nothing_until_you_need_one/ ([deleted])
%
If we (somehow) hadn't evolved to find babies cute or adorable, overpopulation would never have been a problem.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzwhr/if_we_somehow_hadnt_evolved_to_find_babies_cute/ ([deleted])
%
It’s impossible for a mii on mii maker to not have a chin

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzvqn/its_impossible_for_a_mii_on_mii_maker_to_not_have/ (HiimPlectrum)
%
When you snap your fingers, the sound is created from your middle finger hitting your palm, NOT your middle finger rubbing your thumb.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzvq1/when_you_snap_your_fingers_the_sound_is_created/ (anshul199999999)
%
With the rise of electric cars, one day children will stop drawing fire spiting exhaust pipes, they will rather lightning throwing wheel or engines

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzuns/with_the_rise_of_electric_cars_one_day_children/ (Thanos_meant_it_well)
%
Since fire exist in gaseous state, air benders can technically bend an existing flame.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzuh7/since_fire_exist_in_gaseous_state_air_benders_can/ (NoOne77492)
%
"Maybe the brain is really hard to understand because our own brain is deeply afraid to trully understand how a brain work ?"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwztbw/maybe_the_brain_is_really_hard_to_understand/ ([deleted])
%
You can never really get the tone of voice in a comment post.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzt7r/you_can_never_really_get_the_tone_of_voice_in_a/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Most shirts have a tiny cape in them if you turn them inside out

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzs7g/most_shirts_have_a_tiny_cape_in_them_if_you_turn/ (murderedcats)
%
Your fingers are slowly 3D printing your fingernails

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzs5v/your_fingers_are_slowly_3d_printing_your/ (FenchBadScienceGood)
%
The closest thing we have to a superhero is the guy who got shocked by lightning seven times.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzows/the_closest_thing_we_have_to_a_superhero_is_the/ ([deleted])
%
No one will ever hear your voice the way you hear it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzlyd/no_one_will_ever_hear_your_voice_the_way_you_hear/ (GuruSsum)
%
They always draw famous people in shows like simpsons and rick and morty with wide eyes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzlxb/they_always_draw_famous_people_in_shows_like/ (NeonWolfen)
%
There is a very fine line between being lazy and being efficient

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzl7g/there_is_a_very_fine_line_between_being_lazy_and/ (Torch_Lord)
%
Electricity is electron servitude but with extra steps.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzkw4/electricity_is_electron_servitude_but_with_extra/ (zuwiboiii)
%
With the world becoming increasingly more digital, the making of paper may one day become an artisan skill.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzkqd/with_the_world_becoming_increasingly_more_digital/ (Kevakazi)
%
There has to be a certain group of people who got caught watching step-parent porn by their step-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzk9e/there_has_to_be_a_certain_group_of_people_who_got/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
%
People with glasses are smarter because lower graphics helps the brain to run better .

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzjsj/people_with_glasses_are_smarter_because_lower/ (luizfaria22)
%
If there was life on one of Jupiter’s moons, they’d probably think of Jupiter the way we think of the Sun

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzih7/if_there_was_life_on_one_of_jupiters_moons_theyd/ (textbookidiot)
%
If you had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find you attractive, girls would find you attactive

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzgni/if_you_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_didnt/ ([deleted])
%
The main character of a tv show/movie or book is never anyone's favorite character.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzfp0/the_main_character_of_a_tv_showmovie_or_book_is/ ([deleted])
%
Society would not work without trust. We trust the bus driver that he won't kill us, we trust the other drivers that they won't drive into us, we trust the restaurant cook that he won't posion our food.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzfi9/society_would_not_work_without_trust_we_trust_the/ (dominorr)
%
Colonist either got much lazier or much smarter about making state borders the further West they got

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzdrv/colonist_either_got_much_lazier_or_much_smarter/ (agosset2)
%
You shouldn’t be able to see the wrong way signs if you’re going the right way...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzcup/you_shouldnt_be_able_to_see_the_wrong_way_signs/ (ma_sonic)
%
Everyone stops smoking... eventually.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzckf/everyone_stops_smoking_eventually/ (spinn80)
%
When you shake an egg shaker, you are an egg shaker.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzch3/when_you_shake_an_egg_shaker_you_are_an_egg_shaker/ (_joj)
%
Because the Platypus can lay eggs and produce milk, it's one of the few animals that can make it's own custard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzby8/because_the_platypus_can_lay_eggs_and_produce/ ([deleted])
%
People would stop using big red circles if we put them in porn to demonstrate how annoying they are

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz829/people_would_stop_using_big_red_circles_if_we_put/ (NeatCockroach)
%
Even though no one told us to do it, we speak 'L M N O' faster than we do the rest of the alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz7fx/even_though_no_one_told_us_to_do_it_we_speak_l_m/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
%
Maybe storm troopers had bad aim because like Finn they realised what they were doing is wrong.. but they don't want to be killed by any sith lords/higher in command for disobeying so, they purposely miss. Allowing the rebels to get upperhand

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz5yo/maybe_storm_troopers_had_bad_aim_because_like/ (grandpoox)
%
If dogs one day ruled the world we wouldn't care because they're too cute

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz3pl/if_dogs_one_day_ruled_the_world_we_wouldnt_care/ (Shwolak)
%
Your humour is a representation of cultures you've been exposed to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz11y/your_humour_is_a_representation_of_cultures_youve/ (Toasted_Compass776)
%
maybe each neuron in the brain is conscious and thinks it is the only consciousness running the body...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwywsa/maybe_each_neuron_in_the_brain_is_conscious_and/ (jiohdi1960)
%
Stop bullying men for their height, hair and penis. These are completely uncontrollable so you have no right to criticise someone, bully or harass them about it. If you do, you are absolutely pathetic.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyral/stop_bullying_men_for_their_height_hair_and_penis/ (LittleJohnny_nutter)
%
We never sunburn our palms because it's the place with the biggest amount of Sun cream.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyqxu/we_never_sunburn_our_palms_because_its_the_place/ (antoniomanuel10)
%
The creation of life is truly weird. From a rich soup of elements, a creature that sustained itself and reproduced was born.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwypzw/the_creation_of_life_is_truly_weird_from_a_rich/ (IsThisEvenRight)
%
Technically We're traveling into the future with every passing second.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyoh9/technically_were_traveling_into_the_future_with/ (ghostx017)
%
The sun has never seen a shadow.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyly5/the_sun_has_never_seen_a_shadow/ (Trompeterin)
%
The human brain named itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwylp3/the_human_brain_named_itself/ ([deleted])
%
Being a superhero is the most ineffective way to bring peace and justice to society.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyl8d/being_a_superhero_is_the_most_ineffective_way_to/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Everything stops being fun when you know you ought to be enjoying it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwykq5/everything_stops_being_fun_when_you_know_you/ (Breeze_in_the_Trees)
%
We have all held a World Record Before.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyknh/we_have_all_held_a_world_record_before/ (JadenMF)
%
Anal sex is sliding into someone's BMs

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwykl8/anal_sex_is_sliding_into_someones_bms/ ([deleted])
%
Starfish have no fingers but can still give a high 5.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyk32/starfish_have_no_fingers_but_can_still_give_a/ (Breeze_in_the_Trees)
%
Being invisible will make you very clumsy, since you can't see were your body parts are at

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyjq4/being_invisible_will_make_you_very_clumsy_since/ (johnburnt)
%
SpaceX and NASA probably have a bunch of closet religi0us employees, but zero closet flat earthers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyh1f/spacex_and_nasa_probably_have_a_bunch_of_closet/ (NVJayNub)
%
Since pregnant people will always exist, the average number of skeletons in a human body is higher than one

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwygwd/since_pregnant_people_will_always_exist_the/ ([deleted])
%
Black holes are the roundest objects in the universe

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyggy/black_holes_are_the_roundest_objects_in_the/ (Myyyystic)
%
We live in a society where, Pizza gets delivered to your house before the Police

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyfha/we_live_in_a_society_where_pizza_gets_delivered/ (CodexGod)
%
We consider people who talk to themselves out loud are fools. But if that’s true , we are all fools, since we are always talking inside our head

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyeub/we_consider_people_who_talk_to_themselves_out/ ([deleted])
%
When you take a picture with a mascot, the person in the suit probably smiles out of habit too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwydba/when_you_take_a_picture_with_a_mascot_the_person/ (NunSammich)
%
You only notice your floors are creaky when sneaking around in the middle of the night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwybrq/you_only_notice_your_floors_are_creaky_when/ (Qwirx)
%
Technically, an spacesuit protects an astronaut from nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyar9/technically_an_spacesuit_protects_an_astronaut/ (Coronabeer67843)
%
If Thomas’ Driver killed someone by rolling over him on Thomas,The driver will be entirely safe,and Thomas,who was completely innocent will be scrapped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwya28/if_thomas_driver_killed_someone_by_rolling_over/ (tttecapsulelover)
%
Most delivery boys first delivery was Oak’s Parcel in Pokémon

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy9ze/most_delivery_boys_first_delivery_was_oaks_parcel/ (priestbox)
%
The first caveman to drink oceanwater must have been so confused.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy9qw/the_first_caveman_to_drink_oceanwater_must_have/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
%
Drawing a gun is not "deescalating", or "peacefully resolving" a situation, even when no shots need to be fired.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy9po/drawing_a_gun_is_not_deescalating_or_peacefully/ (ColeusRattus)
%
Naïve has two E’s in it, but we can only see one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy94h/naïve_has_two_es_in_it_but_we_can_only_see_one/ (WhereMySauce)
%
The person who discovered marijuana is indirectly responsible for so many things that people have created while under the influence(music, movie scripts etc)

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy8uq/the_person_who_discovered_marijuana_is_indirectly/ ([deleted])
%
The darker it gets, the less light you need to see.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy8mh/the_darker_it_gets_the_less_light_you_need_to_see/ (122A)
%
Cooking could be know as food engineering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy7yi/cooking_could_be_know_as_food_engineering/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Thing from the Adams family would make an excellent sorcerer supreme.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy624/thing_from_the_adams_family_would_make_an/ (zuwiboiii)
%
We consider humans to be the evolution of apes , but we never consider apes to be the evolution of humans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy5is/we_consider_humans_to_be_the_evolution_of_apes/ (Shicxo)
%
Gen Z won't know how to cook, but the generation after them probably will

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy507/gen_z_wont_know_how_to_cook_but_the_generation/ (NobleSkull1)
%
People virtue signal about how being a virgin isn't a big deal, yet one of the most common and effective insults they use against men is "virgin loser".

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy2c5/people_virtue_signal_about_how_being_a_virgin/ ([deleted])
%
Tech companies are competing to create amazing wide screen high def TVs and monitors... while users watch portrait low res Tik Tok videos.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy15z/tech_companies_are_competing_to_create_amazing/ (shawn-appel)
%
You don't need a parachute to skydive, you only need a parachute to skydive twice.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy0v1/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_skydive_you_only/ (RiadRocky444)
%
Everything is a consumable, some things can just be used longer than others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy0ks/everything_is_a_consumable_some_things_can_just/ (Shadowphyre98)
%
String Cheese is a lot like life

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxzjy/string_cheese_is_a_lot_like_life/ ([deleted])
%
Halloween is the Starbucks and Ugg Boots of holidays.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxzb8/halloween_is_the_starbucks_and_ugg_boots_of/ (itsnunyabusiness)
%
Hayden Christiensen the actor isn't a jedi master

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxyxo/hayden_christiensen_the_actor_isnt_a_jedi_master/ (Johnzander0)
%
You only have one birthday the rest are anniversaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxx10/you_only_have_one_birthday_the_rest_are/ ([deleted])
%
People that use multiple alarms to wake up disrupt their sleep sooner to make disrupting their sleep later, easier.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxwsa/people_that_use_multiple_alarms_to_wake_up/ (opvertex)
%
The mac book is not ok

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxv6m/the_mac_book_is_not_ok/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
if we reversed the roles of simping it becomes a harem

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxtac/if_we_reversed_the_roles_of_simping_it_becomes_a/ (someoneudontno1)
%
Person woman man camera TV.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxsno/person_woman_man_camera_tv/ (justsund)
%
Offering a facial can have different meanings depending on the gender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxrzs/offering_a_facial_can_have_different_meanings/ (TheOGCJ)
%
Economy is actually way more powerful than magic

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxq9o/economy_is_actually_way_more_powerful_than_magic/ (inckalt)
%
When you are eating a fruit you are eating what plants use to reproduce

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxq0x/when_you_are_eating_a_fruit_you_are_eating_what/ ([deleted])
%
Cats in close vicinity we go aww, wild ones like tigers, panthers we go aww shit

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxoi8/cats_in_close_vicinity_we_go_aww_wild_ones_like/ (majorwtf)
%
"The human brain is the most complex organ in the human body"- quote from the human brain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxohx/the_human_brain_is_the_most_complex_organ_in_the/ (zuwiboiii)
%
As smartphones improves, we are spending more money on something that is less of a phone

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxn4s/as_smartphones_improves_we_are_spending_more/ (roastbeefseth)
%
If things like cancer and ALS were contagious we would probably be much more eager to find a cure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxm0f/if_things_like_cancer_and_als_were_contagious_we/ (Psyanide5210)
%
The inventor of the high-five is likely still alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxlyt/the_inventor_of_the_highfive_is_likely_still_alive/ (paraapagarbem)
%
The last Jedi was a Star Wars movie for people who have never seen Star Wars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxl8d/the_last_jedi_was_a_star_wars_movie_for_people/ (victosity)
%
If you don’t want to get caught stealing, don’t steal and you’ll never be caught.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxkqt/if_you_dont_want_to_get_caught_stealing_dont/ (VietnamWaffles)
%
Everyone in vegas is a vegan

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxino/everyone_in_vegas_is_a_vegan/ (Johnzander0)
%
Your kids birthday is your Momiversary or Dadiversary

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxi0o/your_kids_birthday_is_your_momiversary_or/ (eipiminus1)
%
Everyone on earth who have travelled bellow sea level could be considered a terranaut.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxh5l/everyone_on_earth_who_have_travelled_bellow_sea/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Life is technically a "pay to win" game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxh3j/life_is_technically_a_pay_to_win_game/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
%
Most of Mr. Robot was pair-programming between Elliot and Mr. Robot

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxgk5/most_of_mr_robot_was_pairprogramming_between/ (masculardwarf)
%
Many of us watch the sun rise and set, but barely anyone watches the moon rise and set

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxgbf/many_of_us_watch_the_sun_rise_and_set_but_barely/ (Firestrike2000_)
%
Defibrillators work by the same concept as hitting the TV to make it workrk

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxe2i/defibrillators_work_by_the_same_concept_as/ (Ak171)
%
Unlike ice, snow has a distinct flavor.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxdfa/unlike_ice_snow_has_a_distinct_flavor/ (MaxedOutGames)
%
There are more rockets made out of LEGOs than made out of anything else

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxcnl/there_are_more_rockets_made_out_of_legos_than/ (craklyn)
%
It's a good job the guy who discovered microwaves didn't have a flake in his pocket

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxba9/its_a_good_job_the_guy_who_discovered_microwaves/ (SidneyBean)
%
The human rectum burns after spicy food, because it also has a taste sense like our tounge

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxayx/the_human_rectum_burns_after_spicy_food_because/ (unaviable)
%
You know it's bad when you are actually waiting on more chaos to happen

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxa7p/you_know_its_bad_when_you_are_actually_waiting_on/ (Lord_Azian)
%
Biting into snow hurts a lot less than biting into ice cream

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxa77/biting_into_snow_hurts_a_lot_less_than_biting/ (im-at-soup)
%
In order for a family tree to grow, it must first be watered with semen.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxa1f/in_order_for_a_family_tree_to_grow_it_must_first/ ([deleted])
%
Your technically a free agent if your not in your senior year, and in senior year is when you test free agency.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx8wr/your_technically_a_free_agent_if_your_not_in_your/ (steveplaysmm)
%
We effectively employ our pets to be animals, they are paid in food and shelter.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx8hj/we_effectively_employ_our_pets_to_be_animals_they/ (rip-to-my-son-donnay)
%
Grandparents are usually compassionate

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx7zn/grandparents_are_usually_compassionate/ (pmurk01)
%
Someone somewhere has created a micro penis dildo.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx7pp/someone_somewhere_has_created_a_micro_penis_dildo/ (LucasTheSchnauzer)
%
Many new friends we made in school only happened because we didn't get to choose our own seats.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx7lg/many_new_friends_we_made_in_school_only_happened/ (Williamboss131)
%
You only catch gullible fish.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx6td/you_only_catch_gullible_fish/ (HuntSven95)
%
Maybe the protagonist is going to beat the game soon and we are all just experiencing the end levels as NPCs/side characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx6nq/maybe_the_protagonist_is_going_to_beat_the_game/ (xdaemonisx)
%
All jokes made about someones death will age badly

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx6he/all_jokes_made_about_someones_death_will_age_badly/ (subhi2)
%
The human race can exterminate all life on the planet in seconds and is the only species willing to do it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx5l5/the_human_race_can_exterminate_all_life_on_the/ (gizmuo)
%
There are roughly as many people as testicles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx5jf/there_are_roughly_as_many_people_as_testicles/ (Phrostite)
%
The world ends when the leaders lose their power, and they blow it up in a fit of rage.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx5j1/the_world_ends_when_the_leaders_lose_their_power/ (nullstoned)
%
Most people don't second guess opinions from the 3rd person

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx4cw/most_people_dont_second_guess_opinions_from_the/ (crashandburn_)
%
Some plants have spice as a defense mechanism and we humans love it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx47u/some_plants_have_spice_as_a_defense_mechanism_and/ (Turtgang42)
%
Grass is the hair of land.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx3vo/grass_is_the_hair_of_land/ ([deleted])
%
Hangman has an extremely dark origin yet we still play it in school

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx3va/hangman_has_an_extremely_dark_origin_yet_we_still/ (synretro)
%
There's a chance inside of us we have our own universe with intelligent beings far different from us. Maybe we're inside a somethings body as well

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx2th/theres_a_chance_inside_of_us_we_have_our_own/ (grandpoox)
%
It's entirely possible that Sigmund Freud had a weird thing for his mom and just assumed everyone else did too.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx28h/its_entirely_possible_that_sigmund_freud_had_a/ (tkcool73)
%
Base building game accounts could be an inheritable entity through generations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx1v1/base_building_game_accounts_could_be_an/ (unnecessary_Fullstop)
%
Oatmeal Is the Only Acceptable Soggy Cereal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx06l/oatmeal_is_the_only_acceptable_soggy_cereal/ (Entity_303_name)
%
If our ancestors would’ve breed Bears instead of Wolves, then we would all have tiny cute Bears as pets instead of Dogs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwzoo/if_our_ancestors_wouldve_breed_bears_instead_of/ (animalcrossingfa)
%
teachers are more likely to give less marks to students who always get less marks than students who always get good marks for the same answer

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwzkx/teachers_are_more_likely_to_give_less_marks_to/ (anshul199999999)
%
People need to stop giving a fuck and start being more grateful that they have the things they need.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwyv0/people_need_to_stop_giving_a_fuck_and_start_being/ (DELAGZ)
%
Expect nothing and you'll be happier with what you get.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwyoa/expect_nothing_and_youll_be_happier_with_what_you/ (Tuppytuppy)
%
The chances you’ve already posed for the photo used in your obituary is high.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwx2r/the_chances_youve_already_posed_for_the_photo/ (5thCharmer)
%
There’s probably a lot less ninja throwing star injuries than there was in the nineties

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwwkj/theres_probably_a_lot_less_ninja_throwing_star/ (step6666)
%
Society has been getting increasingly complex and overly complicated throughout history

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwww5d/society_has_been_getting_increasingly_complex_and/ (Lord_Azian)
%
A dog is loyal, hardworking and gives unconditional love, yet the word 'dog' is only ever used as an insult.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwufe/a_dog_is_loyal_hardworking_and_gives/ (IAmSawyer)
%
Butt hair is actually fart suppressor

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwtl5/butt_hair_is_actually_fart_suppressor/ (Kwiyo)
%
All moments are technically historical moments.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwws2l/all_moments_are_technically_historical_moments/ (polygone722)
%
The story of the Titanic is similar to the Tower of Babel, people were overconfident it wouldn't sink but it ended up sinking anyway.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwrwl/the_story_of_the_titanic_is_similar_to_the_tower/ (Lolzemeister)
%
The Marble Machine and Marble Machine X will likely go down in history as legendary creations, just how Da Vinci's creations did.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwrb3/the_marble_machine_and_marble_machine_x_will/ (DooderBoiCobra)
%
As long as you don't go to bed with them, you are always assuming their gender.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwr6v/as_long_as_you_dont_go_to_bed_with_them_you_are/ (AuthorTheCartoonist)
%
Every invention depends on a past invention

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwp8w/every_invention_depends_on_a_past_invention/ (Karoner)
%
Every day some guy takes the world's largest shit without even realising it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwntp/every_day_some_guy_takes_the_worlds_largest_shit/ (BoomBamBop08R)
%
Everyone's brain's perception of colour may be different and we might not even know about it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwkq4/everyones_brains_perception_of_colour_may_be/ ([deleted])
%
Calling someone unique is one of the most generic compliments you can give

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwkpu/calling_someone_unique_is_one_of_the_most_generic/ (TheSwanSennin)
%
Brush your fucking teeth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwih8/brush_your_fucking_teeth/ (Fuc________)
%
You’ve unintentionally photobombed hundreds of pictures taken of Earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwhfl/youve_unintentionally_photobombed_hundreds_of/ (TheRealRafIsHere)
%
Going to school or work really helps in remembering what day of the week it is.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwh8h/going_to_school_or_work_really_helps_in/ (legocat813)
%
Your pay is based on how good you are an thinking about how to rearrange molecules and atoms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwgeh/your_pay_is_based_on_how_good_you_are_an_thinking/ (yeetimusprimemoney55)
%
If you’re not talented at anything, chances are that thing hasn’t been invented yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwcx5/if_youre_not_talented_at_anything_chances_are/ (DrDuck231)
%
Fax machines were the first text messages

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww793/fax_machines_were_the_first_text_messages/ (justfarmingdownvotes)
%
There are probably people that are supremely, groundbreakingly gifted in a particular field/sport that will never be discovered because they have never been exposed to it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww73x/there_are_probably_people_that_are_supremely/ (mavyapsy)
%
Fat guys actually keep their abs protected under layers of fat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww6hr/fat_guys_actually_keep_their_abs_protected_under/ (PlayVinnieBoy)
%
You won’t know the moment you lost a memory.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww5cc/you_wont_know_the_moment_you_lost_a_memory/ (ebtwel)
%
Anything in the air is a UFO if you're dumb enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww3h8/anything_in_the_air_is_a_ufo_if_youre_dumb_enough/ (zeldalvr)
%
That moment when someone mentions that the given situation is "awkward" or "embarrassing" is even more so than the original situation itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww08e/that_moment_when_someone_mentions_that_the_given/ (TheAdventureInsider)
%
“The dead are always watching over you” can either sound threatening or comforting depending on the context

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww030/the_dead_are_always_watching_over_you_can_either/ (aliengames666)
%
That moment when someone says that the situation is "awkward" or "embarrassing" is even more so than the original situation itself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvypk/that_moment_when_someone_says_that_the_situation/ ([deleted])
%
Surprisingly low number of donation seekers explain what they will do with the donations.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvy96/surprisingly_low_number_of_donation_seekers/ (_bill_watterson_)
%
If the average cost of a funeral is $9,000 USD, a good portion of people can’t afford to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvxo2/if_the_average_cost_of_a_funeral_is_9000_usd_a/ (Mahagoney-locket)
%
When you are watching a movie/video, you’re watching things that happened happening

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvvv9/when_you_are_watching_a_movievideo_youre_watching/ (TsarKashmere)
%
If the 90s had a smell, it'd be cucumber melon.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvujv/if_the_90s_had_a_smell_itd_be_cucumber_melon/ (Overfrozen)
%
You might've been made merely because of an organism attempting to create an orgasm. Just an odd way to think of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvplg/you_mightve_been_made_merely_because_of_an/ (Elliot_Mirage_Witt)
%
We take skin for granted. We’d all probably be very upset if we didn’t have any.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvphl/we_take_skin_for_granted_wed_all_probably_be_very/ (Ng_Ago)
%
Pharmaceutical group commercials sound a lot like vague threats at the audience to limit medical innovation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvpa1/pharmaceutical_group_commercials_sound_a_lot_like/ (pimpmastahanhduece)
%
Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner are always happening simultaneously on Earth. "Brenchner"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvolu/breakfast_lunch_and_dinner_are_always_happening/ (Soulfox1988)
%
There are very few animals on earth that humans haven’t killed at least one of

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvnzh/there_are_very_few_animals_on_earth_that_humans/ (skyhigh527)
%
The 21st century skipped over the “roaring 20s” decade and went straight into the Great Depression.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvnxy/the_21st_century_skipped_over_the_roaring_20s/ (AGroupofThisIsCalled)
%
Pharmaceutical group commercials sound a lot vague threats to limit innovation to the audience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvnfd/pharmaceutical_group_commercials_sound_a_lot/ ([deleted])
%
Life is a part of death, not the other way around.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvmzu/life_is_a_part_of_death_not_the_other_way_around/ (Ten4cious_B)
%
Modern game consoles that are kept new in the box will be worth a lot in 20-30 years due to nostalgia.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvm21/modern_game_consoles_that_are_kept_new_in_the_box/ (Overfrozen)
%
People who just tell others to get help aren't giving any

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvjr7/people_who_just_tell_others_to_get_help_arent/ (rnielsen777)
%
Sleep is us taking a break from our life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvj4o/sleep_is_us_taking_a_break_from_our_life/ (zzuhruf)
%
Most expensive cars (Lamborghinis, Bugattis, etc) are actually much less safe to drive than cheaper alternatives like a Ford or Chevy.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvizj/most_expensive_cars_lamborghinis_bugattis_etc_are/ (BunsCanoli)
%
The initial reaction you have after choking on water is to drink more water.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvill/the_initial_reaction_you_have_after_choking_on/ (PurpleDragonX)
%
No one has ever been in an empty room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvhij/no_one_has_ever_been_in_an_empty_room/ (cmjaboc)
%
It's considered normal to talk to your pets but if you talk to birds in public all of a sudden you're some crazy person

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvh3i/its_considered_normal_to_talk_to_your_pets_but_if/ (The_Mad_Socks)
%
If you 'Lived life with no regrets', you wouldn't change your poor choices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvbam/if_you_lived_life_with_no_regrets_you_wouldnt/ (Droid501)
%
Towns are usually small, rural areas, but Midtown Manhattan is the total opposite.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvak1/towns_are_usually_small_rural_areas_but_midtown/ (LCPhotowerx)
%
A spacesuit protects an astronaut from nothing

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvah3/a_spacesuit_protects_an_astronaut_from_nothing/ (DarkinexWtf)
%
COVID 19 has saved lives too,imagine how many car accidents it had prevented in 6 months and the person you see alive today could have died if not because of covid

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv82m/covid_19_has_saved_lives_tooimagine_how_many_car/ (greatking6009)
%
Shaggy is Scooby-Doo's sidekick, not vice versa.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv6em/shaggy_is_scoobydoos_sidekick_not_vice_versa/ (HomerJBouvier)
%
Dice rolls are supposed to be random, yet most people won't let someone else roll for them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv6ao/dice_rolls_are_supposed_to_be_random_yet_most/ (og_math_memes)
%
Because the universe is infinite, and there are only a certain number of ways particles can form the amount of space a human takes up, somewhere far away there is an exact replica of you doing exactly what you are doing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv65r/because_the_universe_is_infinite_and_there_are/ (jonny066)
%
In pop culture whenever someone loses their memory they forget everything, except how to speak.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv3n3/in_pop_culture_whenever_someone_loses_their/ (Yeet_Yeeterzon)
%
Livestock were born to die, but honestly so are we.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv3lr/livestock_were_born_to_die_but_honestly_so_are_we/ (angusesgus_)
%
"You don't deserve me" is a sentence that can have different meanings based on your self esteem

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv2h3/you_dont_deserve_me_is_a_sentence_that_can_have/ (Lachimolala_yoonji)
%
Soon we will be hearing about the percentage of the people on Earth who are infected.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv1vu/soon_we_will_be_hearing_about_the_percentage_of/ (MelanthaJezek)
%
Someone who knows a lot about laws is either a criminal or someone who went to law school

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv14g/someone_who_knows_a_lot_about_laws_is_either_a/ (Venus1011)
%
Some people just love to contradict.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv11f/some_people_just_love_to_contradict/ (postmodernhippiegoth)
%
D.va from overwatch probably has back problems from the way she sits in her mech.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv11e/dva_from_overwatch_probably_has_back_problems/ (Sheikahh)
%
The more you like yourself, the kinder you are to future you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv0n1/the_more_you_like_yourself_the_kinder_you_are_to/ (egomystic)
%
Your butthole can cut a log in half which kinda makes it a circular saw.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuyz0/your_butthole_can_cut_a_log_in_half_which_kinda/ ([deleted])
%
There could be a solar system, where, all sounds vibrate at a frequency above or below the range of human hearing - A completely silent solar system

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuyef/there_could_be_a_solar_system_where_all_sounds/ (JustAWaffleBro)
%
Having money and friends is cool and all, but you know you are living your best life when your pee is as clear as water and you are super hydrated.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuy6q/having_money_and_friends_is_cool_and_all_but_you/ (Perfectsheep13)
%
Trees are plumbed for water. So... a plum tree is plumbed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuxd2/trees_are_plumbed_for_water_so_a_plum_tree_is/ (helenfeller)
%
Something that scares you instills fear, but something you do not fear may scare you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuwz3/something_that_scares_you_instills_fear_but/ (dontforcechokeme)
%
Searching “how to open an incognito tab” is probably something you’d want an incognito tab for

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuwx2/searching_how_to_open_an_incognito_tab_is/ (chubbycatbrian)
%
For those people who enjoy being submissive in the bedroom, their kink is they're just trying to get a fucking break.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuvm2/for_those_people_who_enjoy_being_submissive_in/ (JaredLiwet)
%
? Is an appropriate response but ! Isn’t one.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuv9b/is_an_appropriate_response_but_isnt_one/ (BananaEclipse)
%
“Everything in moderation” is one of the only pieces of advice not needed in moderation.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwutq6/everything_in_moderation_is_one_of_the_only/ (meg_n_cheese12)
%
Fairy tales get a hell lot darker as you grow older.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwutc4/fairy_tales_get_a_hell_lot_darker_as_you_grow/ (nafissyed)
%
Constant access to light has made some people forget that they are afraid of the dark.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwut5u/constant_access_to_light_has_made_some_people/ (postmodernhippiegoth)
%
Porn is safe for work for porn stars

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuqf4/porn_is_safe_for_work_for_porn_stars/ ([deleted])
%
We were all disappointed when we found out that bubble blow rings don’t make the bubbles that shape and they all come out round.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwupnx/we_were_all_disappointed_when_we_found_out_that/ (Sir_Hoptat)
%
Step aside mindful breathing. There’s nothing more capable of keeping you aware of the present moment than the sensation that your dying.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuoxd/step_aside_mindful_breathing_theres_nothing_more/ (Leitefsj_7)
%
Saying you're 29 years old sounds way better than saying you're almost 30 years old.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwunvf/saying_youre_29_years_old_sounds_way_better_than/ (masrikufta)
%
Online versions of board games remove an important part of the game, facial expression mind games

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwujfn/online_versions_of_board_games_remove_an/ (DiamondShard15)
%
Cheerios are alphabet cereal, just not the whole alphabet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwui2v/cheerios_are_alphabet_cereal_just_not_the_whole/ ([deleted])
%
It only takes a few minutes to make your bed, but About 8 hours to unmake it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuh5b/it_only_takes_a_few_minutes_to_make_your_bed_but/ (tvmysteries)
%
Life can be quite simple, all you have to do is write a 3 minute song and all the world can be at your feet.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwug74/life_can_be_quite_simple_all_you_have_to_do_is/ (behrkon)
%
If someone bets with you that you are going to die, you either win or don't need the money anymore

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwue8h/if_someone_bets_with_you_that_you_are_going_to/ (LukasGama)
%
When people start using flying cars ufo sightings are going to be dismissed more easily

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwudul/when_people_start_using_flying_cars_ufo_sightings/ (TheNefelivata)
%
You know when you were born just because someone told you

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuccc/you_know_when_you_were_born_just_because_someone/ (Aloysius2106)
%
In as much as you are at odds with a parent, you are the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuc02/in_as_much_as_you_are_at_odds_with_a_parent_you/ (da-version)
%
Millions of innocent people exchange counterfeit money daily and unknowingly contribute to a criminal business

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwubwm/millions_of_innocent_people_exchange_counterfeit/ (walnutssandmore)
%
Still don’t understand why steaks are so expensive, cows are soooooo easy to hunt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuahg/still_dont_understand_why_steaks_are_so_expensive/ (BradlyMiniCooper)
%
If, once something’s passed through the internet it’s always there. Then somewhere there’s a scroll of every single Snapchat you’ve ever sent or received.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuab9/if_once_somethings_passed_through_the_internet/ (ShuffleCrystals)
%
You have to pretend to be asleep in order to actually sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu9ib/you_have_to_pretend_to_be_asleep_in_order_to/ (NishiMaki)
%
Our blood carries oxygen using hemoglobin, which releases an iron-rich compound which carries the oxygen around. Therefore, the reason our blood is red is because it's rusty.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu7d0/our_blood_carries_oxygen_using_hemoglobin_which/ (Thack_Daddy_2146)
%
Common sense is subjective, even though its common sense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu4as/common_sense_is_subjective_even_though_its_common/ (imgo_4u)
%
There must be so many species of life that never left a fossil record at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu3v2/there_must_be_so_many_species_of_life_that_never/ (Dakrys)
%
Neutrinos are subatomic radioactive particles that very rarely interact with anything. The odds are 1 in 4 that you ever interact with a single neutrino in your life, exposing you to a tiny, tiny amount of radiation, even though millions of billions flow through you every second. That being said,

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu2kj/neutrinos_are_subatomic_radioactive_particles/ (mylizard)
%
The size of a small island can change relatively drastically with the tides.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu1tv/the_size_of_a_small_island_can_change_relatively/ (kinverys)
%
Tan lines and a lack of tan lines are both a sign of wealth. The only difference between the poor and the rich is the location.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu0c6/tan_lines_and_a_lack_of_tan_lines_are_both_a_sign/ ([deleted])
%
The lightning is the definition of mesmerizing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtzm5/the_lightning_is_the_definition_of_mesmerizing/ (gammacoder)
%
Everyone is born with a different level of resistance to death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtyos/everyone_is_born_with_a_different_level_of/ (Kobe_Wan_Jabroni)
%
Earth is the only planet not named after a higher being with not much reason and we just went with it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtwo9/earth_is_the_only_planet_not_named_after_a_higher/ (ItsNcYte)
%
Sci-fi spacecraft fights would take place in complete silence, just flashing lights add sudden death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtur4/scifi_spacecraft_fights_would_take_place_in/ (Waveform_)
%
Star Wars had to keep reusing Death Star weapons in their movies since they came out of the gate with the biggest thing you could blow up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtubx/star_wars_had_to_keep_reusing_death_star_weapons/ (LineChatter)
%
One of the reasons you get away easier with fake sleeping the older you get is because your parents keep getting less familiar with how you sleep

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwttrg/one_of_the_reasons_you_get_away_easier_with_fake/ (Salim_S)
%
Thanks to new safety features like crumple zones, modern cars have become the exact opposite of bumper cars.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtsr0/thanks_to_new_safety_features_like_crumple_zones/ (waterboy838)
%
Some people will look so different when they finally return to school in person, they won't be recognized and could pass as a new student.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtsnq/some_people_will_look_so_different_when_they/ (misterrandom1)
%
The silent majority are belated that movie theaters are dead.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtq9r/the_silent_majority_are_belated_that_movie/ (BasicRedditor1997)
%
Most gamers hate the very company that made their favourite game.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtpne/most_gamers_hate_the_very_company_that_made_their/ (dosafan)
%
Soon, AI will generate songs that people like more than people-generated songs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtp13/soon_ai_will_generate_songs_that_people_like_more/ (harmonicr)
%
A sit at the back is considered a bad spot everywhere, but considered golden at a classroom

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtoyu/a_sit_at_the_back_is_considered_a_bad_spot/ (italoxiz)
%
searching google on google it takes you to google

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtopa/searching_google_on_google_it_takes_you_to_google/ (gcnHNYqvzB637fYQvQDt)
%
The older you get, the easier it is to fake sleep. Since your parents don't check up as much on you they don't know how you ACTUALLY sleep.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtodt/the_older_you_get_the_easier_it_is_to_fake_sleep/ ([deleted])
%
In as much as you are at odds with a parent, you are the same.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtoav/in_as_much_as_you_are_at_odds_with_a_parent_you/ ([deleted])
%
Bones are one of the most cleanest parts of our bodies

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtmxq/bones_are_one_of_the_most_cleanest_parts_of_our/ (The_Endeavour)
%
Photographic images are nearly perfect, and thus somebody in 2040 will not be able to tell that the image they are actually looking at dates back at least 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtlk7/photographic_images_are_nearly_perfect_and_thus/ (ygrhmn)
%
Millennials were raised in the era of shows like "Scared Straight" that used fear as motivation and people are surprised we all have anxiety issues

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtle1/millennials_were_raised_in_the_era_of_shows_like/ ([deleted])
%
If you buy enough Barbie dolls you can make a wig.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtl97/if_you_buy_enough_barbie_dolls_you_can_make_a_wig/ (nervousdachshund)
%
Photographic images are nearly perfect, and thus somebody in 2040 will not be able to tell that the image they are actually looking at dates back at least 20 years.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtks6/photographic_images_are_nearly_perfect_and_thus/ ([deleted])
%
Pickles are cucumbers on acid

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtj1t/pickles_are_cucumbers_on_acid/ (lil_elixir)
%
On a non leap year, if there is a Friday the 13th in February there will also be a Friday the 13th in March.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwti6j/on_a_non_leap_year_if_there_is_a_friday_the_13th/ (Sissonater)
%
The world be scary if large cocks were real

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtfyc/the_world_be_scary_if_large_cocks_were_real/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
We live in a society where basic safety rules go unenforced for fear of those who try to enforce them getting murdered for it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtf32/we_live_in_a_society_where_basic_safety_rules_go/ (QueenElsaArrendelle)
%
The hardest prison to escape is your mind

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwteiz/the_hardest_prison_to_escape_is_your_mind/ ([deleted])
%
Luke Cage can't visit Wakanda as Vibranium is one of his weaknesses and almost everything in Wakanda is made of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwte4o/luke_cage_cant_visit_wakanda_as_vibranium_is_one/ (Kingflares)
%
Best thing about a pet, they heard that weird noise to.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtdfu/best_thing_about_a_pet_they_heard_that_weird/ (xXUpgraDDeXx)
%
Elephants have a built in snorkel

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtd45/elephants_have_a_built_in_snorkel/ (acetea)
%
Fossils are an animal’s worst day immortalized

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtbmq/fossils_are_an_animals_worst_day_immortalized/ (KvotheOfTheHill)
%
You don't feel heavier when you have to pee, but you feel lighter after you've peed.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtblw/you_dont_feel_heavier_when_you_have_to_pee_but/ (xakypoo)
%
Everyone talks about Katy Perry feeling like a “plastic bag drifting through the wind” but no one talks about Shakira when she said she’s feeling “a little abused like a coffee machine in an office”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtba3/everyone_talks_about_katy_perry_feeling_like_a/ (parmaham1000)
%
You have never actually seen your face. Only a reflection of it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtard/you_have_never_actually_seen_your_face_only_a/ ([deleted])
%
Humans would look cooler if we actually looked white/black/red/yellow then the blend.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwta5t/humans_would_look_cooler_if_we_actually_looked/ (BasicRedditor1997)
%
Gonna put the new MacBook in the tub. Can’t stop it. No no can’t stop it. MacBook goin in the tubbb

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt9mg/gonna_put_the_new_macbook_in_the_tub_cant_stop_it/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Living rooms everywhere are finally being used.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt9fm/living_rooms_everywhere_are_finally_being_used/ (Upchuck72)
%
Some day in the future, we may have to pay licensing fees for dreaming about MCU characters.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt9d1/some_day_in_the_future_we_may_have_to_pay/ (vishnj)
%
There sure are a lot of “once in a lifetime” comets

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt9bh/there_sure_are_a_lot_of_once_in_a_lifetime_comets/ (ubzrvnT)
%
Fill a barrel with your cereal and GET IN

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt8pm/fill_a_barrel_with_your_cereal_and_get_in/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
When you sleep but don't dream, maybe you were asleep in your dream

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt6mz/when_you_sleep_but_dont_dream_maybe_you_were/ ([deleted])
%
Everyone says “you’re having a stroke” whenever you do anything. It’s awful

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt61d/everyone_says_youre_having_a_stroke_whenever_you/ (BigThinkNumber9)
%
Thor could've also gone for the hand

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt5uu/thor_couldve_also_gone_for_the_hand/ (Craftycorecreep)
%
We're very lucky our teeth don't get soft when they're wet like fingernails do

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt4dy/were_very_lucky_our_teeth_dont_get_soft_when/ (phillsphan7)
%
Taylor Swift’s songs have gotten everybody married but herself

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt466/taylor_swifts_songs_have_gotten_everybody_married/ (MarinersFan28)
%
You type faster using your mobile phone than using your computer keyboard.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt3r6/you_type_faster_using_your_mobile_phone_than/ ([deleted])
%
The newer generations of drivers have no idea what it's like to get lost while trying to find something

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt2vu/the_newer_generations_of_drivers_have_no_idea/ (rdubelu)
%
There’s no word for “There’s a word for that in German”.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt1eh/theres_no_word_for_theres_a_word_for_that_in/ (PepperAnn1inaMillion)
%
The person who discovered coffee is indirectly responsible for a lot of other discoveries and inventions

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt0y9/the_person_who_discovered_coffee_is_indirectly/ (going-on-empty)
%
There's a line somewhere between unhealthy and suicidal.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt09j/theres_a_line_somewhere_between_unhealthy_and/ (dumb_shite)
%
You never regret having a shower.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsyc1/you_never_regret_having_a_shower/ (shifty_-_)
%
The thing about trusting leaders is that they need to give trustworthy advice

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwswqi/the_thing_about_trusting_leaders_is_that_they/ (_-No0ne-_)
%
A pen that doubles as a sword seems cool. A sword that doubles as a pen seems weird.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsvqh/a_pen_that_doubles_as_a_sword_seems_cool_a_sword/ (i-am-egg-tart)
%
Coders had to code something to make it so you can write code

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsuh5/coders_had_to_code_something_to_make_it_so_you/ (grxxvity_)
%
The inside handle of a restroom is likely much cleaner than the one outside

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwstie/the_inside_handle_of_a_restroom_is_likely_much/ (charlesisafish)
%
Other planets would probably smell really weird

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwst16/other_planets_would_probably_smell_really_weird/ (BumbleFrump_)
%
Both the World Wars started from Europe

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsrgl/both_the_world_wars_started_from_europe/ (wiZzerdUck)
%
There are a lot of workers pissed at the fact that the “skip intro” button will skip over all their hard work

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsras/there_are_a_lot_of_workers_pissed_at_the_fact/ (Captain-Murica4)
%
Nothing is impossible to do/happen/etc., it just may have a very, very, very small chance (even .000000001%) of actually happening.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwspjo/nothing_is_impossible_to_dohappenetc_it_just_may/ ([deleted])
%
We generally believe taller and bulkier men are not as smart because we don't believe that the perfect person exists, so no one has both strength and intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsomu/we_generally_believe_taller_and_bulkier_men_are/ (DimKara_)
%
Blue crabs look more blue when their colors get inverted

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsl46/blue_crabs_look_more_blue_when_their_colors_get/ (egyuhwervewu)
%
The only difference between family and friends is that friends are easier to cut off.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsk2n/the_only_difference_between_family_and_friends_is/ (Br0ther-Bear)
%
When mermaid titties get saggy they float upwards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsj1w/when_mermaid_titties_get_saggy_they_float_upwards/ (turklesdayoff)
%
Meal prepping is lunch homework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsg80/meal_prepping_is_lunch_homework/ (SmashusK)
%
Everyone can identify as a Muppet from Sesame Street, but nobody identifies as a human from it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsfyc/everyone_can_identify_as_a_muppet_from_sesame/ (between3and20spaces)
%
With easily accessible GPS, kids on road trips don’t need to ask “are we there yet?” They can just follow along.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwseja/with_easily_accessible_gps_kids_on_road_trips/ (SplungerPlunger)
%
It’s never until you’re actively trying to make someone laugh that you realize how unfunny you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsdz6/its_never_until_youre_actively_trying_to_make/ (victosity)
%
Benjamin Franklin was the OG lobbyist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsdua/benjamin_franklin_was_the_og_lobbyist/ (cathillian)
%
Every one of us has the potential to be immortal and we only find out once it's too late

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsdlp/every_one_of_us_has_the_potential_to_be_immortal/ (books4introvert)
%
Randomized passwords are probably the only acceptable gibberish in any language

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsapt/randomized_passwords_are_probably_the_only/ (DL14Nibba)
%
Neutrinos are subatomic radioactive particles that very rarely interact with anything. The odds are that a neutrino first interacts with you when you are 10, exposing you to a tiny, tiny amount of radiation, even though millions of billions flow through you every second. That being said,

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws9ge/neutrinos_are_subatomic_radioactive_particles/ ([deleted])
%
Everything that has ever happened had an one hundred percent chance of happening

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws7ui/everything_that_has_ever_happened_had_an_one/ (IRL_WalterClements_)
%
"Puppy Chow" is really poorly named seeing as there's enough chocolate in it to kill a dog.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws7eb/puppy_chow_is_really_poorly_named_seeing_as/ (offalark)
%
If gaming is a valid competitive sport it's the only sport where its socially acceptable to dunk on kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws7b8/if_gaming_is_a_valid_competitive_sport_its_the/ (MussolinisFuneral)
%
Erasers slowly sacrifice their lives for your mistakes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws6gm/erasers_slowly_sacrifice_their_lives_for_your/ ([deleted])
%
History is a thing of the past.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws4tx/history_is_a_thing_of_the_past/ (MidDayRevolution)
%
In the Harry Potter universe, there are probably millions of wizards born to Muggle parents that never went to Hogwarts because they thought the letter was a prank.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws3pc/in_the_harry_potter_universe_there_are_probably/ (NuclearSquid74)
%
The cuter something is during the day, the scarier it is at night.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws34c/the_cuter_something_is_during_the_day_the_scarier/ (Roosty_Breadman)
%
Closing one eye blocks a third of your vision

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws22o/closing_one_eye_blocks_a_third_of_your_vision/ (rock-solid-armpits)
%
Parents are always right when they feel their child is upto something bad or mischievous because those parents as a child were in the same position and they ended doing that if not the same but similar bad thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws22a/parents_are_always_right_when_they_feel_their/ (hifighost)
%
If humans terraformed other planets fall damage wouldn’t be as big of an issue

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws1yy/if_humans_terraformed_other_planets_fall_damage/ (Shadsterz)
%
If you were to describe a giraffe and a unicorn to someone who’s never heard of either, they’d believe the unicorn would exist rather than the giraffe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws1vn/if_you_were_to_describe_a_giraffe_and_a_unicorn/ (Gamers_Against_Thots)
%
There are people in the world who like microwaving ice cream. Not to defrost it, but to eat it like a soup.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws18e/there_are_people_in_the_world_who_like/ ([deleted])
%
Astronauts probably don't get amazed anymore at the size and scale of large objects like tall buildings, high waterfalls, longships etc because they have seen the largest object visible to the naked eye, the entire earth from orbit

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws11j/astronauts_probably_dont_get_amazed_anymore_at/ (bignutsflamingo)
%
All of you are fake showering.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwryl2/all_of_you_are_fake_showering/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Voldemort took away the Defense Against the Dark Arts class much like a dictator confiscated guns from his/her citizens.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrxqs/voldemort_took_away_the_defense_against_the_dark/ (HapaPilot)
%
With respect to video games, the word "unplayable" is almost exclusively used sarcastically.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrxem/with_respect_to_video_games_the_word_unplayable/ (AboveTheKitchen)
%
It's not research if it's never been searched for before

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrxaa/its_not_research_if_its_never_been_searched_for/ (beneficial_satire)
%
You can win a debate by either being smarter or being so dumb that you don’t listen to the evidence

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrwf8/you_can_win_a_debate_by_either_being_smarter_or/ (r0b0t111)
%
Mario took the insult "get a life" too literally.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrw4z/mario_took_the_insult_get_a_life_too_literally/ (iola_k)
%
Harder Better Faster Stronger by Daft Punk is the one song of theirs that you can really hear their French accents.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrvj7/harder_better_faster_stronger_by_daft_punk_is_the/ (TheLonelyIdiots)
%
Mammalian penises and vaginas could have just as easily developed square-shaped.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrspn/mammalian_penises_and_vaginas_could_have_just_as/ (ilovecigars1974)
%
If Kanye wasn't a celebrity, there's a significantly greater chance he would've been killed by the police

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrs1o/if_kanye_wasnt_a_celebrity_theres_a_significantly/ (jsgoyburu)
%
Human beings have two sets of cheeks, and we keep the stuff we use to clean the holes between them both in the same room.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrrzy/human_beings_have_two_sets_of_cheeks_and_we_keep/ (DrAwkward404)
%
If everyone had photographic memory then the DVD industry would probably go out of business.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrrmz/if_everyone_had_photographic_memory_then_the_dvd/ (illpostsomeweardshit)
%
No matter how shitty a day has been, when it ends with sex it was a good day

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrqz8/no_matter_how_shitty_a_day_has_been_when_it_ends/ (Antscannabis)
%
The mortality rate of stairs and frying pans heavily differ between genres of film

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrq6k/the_mortality_rate_of_stairs_and_frying_pans/ (DefinitelyNotASkrull)
%
Dividers at a grocery store imply that everyone shopping is part of a large group

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrpez/dividers_at_a_grocery_store_imply_that_everyone/ (Mtye77)
%
The largest rectangle on earth is Colorado.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrp1t/the_largest_rectangle_on_earth_is_colorado/ (SeeingSongs)
%
Stupid people tend to overestimate their intelligence, while intelligent people tend to undervalue their intelligence. If a person realizes he's underestimating himself, making him think of himself as more intelligent, he is also less intelligent for overestimating himself.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrojx/stupid_people_tend_to_overestimate_their/ (Teminite2)
%
One of the saddest things about sadness is the lack of happiness.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrmmj/one_of_the_saddest_things_about_sadness_is_the/ (HistoricalArticle4)
%
If you like taking a shit, you like being fucked in the ass

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrm9m/if_you_like_taking_a_shit_you_like_being_fucked/ (vshoes_)
%
The world of almost any child becomes slightly less magical once they realize the black market isn't an actual place

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrkiv/the_world_of_almost_any_child_becomes_slightly/ (ARealFool)
%
Spider-Man is to the MCU as Batman is to the DCU

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrk6b/spiderman_is_to_the_mcu_as_batman_is_to_the_dcu/ (danewhite318)
%
Blue Cheese doesn’t go bad - it just gets worse.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrhd6/blue_cheese_doesnt_go_bad_it_just_gets_worse/ (WesleyUnderfoot)
%
Dogs freak out during a thunderstorm and stay with their person not because they are scared for themselves, but they are also worried about their person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrh65/dogs_freak_out_during_a_thunderstorm_and_stay/ (paladinstyger)
%
You can be alone and not feel alone but you can feel the loneliest when not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrff1/you_can_be_alone_and_not_feel_alone_but_you_can/ (VagariTurtle)
%
Describing a floatation device as "float" or "floatie" usually exclaims you are a parent or non-parent.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrfbw/describing_a_floatation_device_as_float_or/ (millionbillionone)
%
Relatively, people have kids pretty early in their lives

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrf4f/relatively_people_have_kids_pretty_early_in_their/ ([deleted])
%
We've become so reliant on a 12-hour clock that most of us couldn't compare the hours to a 24-hour clock

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwreyq/weve_become_so_reliant_on_a_12hour_clock_that/ (Tempest_410)
%
You don’t see car ‘hauntings’. Because if someone dies in a car, there’s a good chance it will never be used again.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrcwx/you_dont_see_car_hauntings_because_if_someone/ (Elijahbeaudoin)
%
The movie "Alexander" ended up cutting the Gordian knot story.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrclg/the_movie_alexander_ended_up_cutting_the_gordian/ (Atheist_Simon_Haddad)
%
The Happening is the most ironically named movie given how little actually happens

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrckz/the_happening_is_the_most_ironically_named_movie/ (jstohler)
%
Most kids are sexually molested or abused by family members and acquaintances. So maybe if we wanted to protect them, we shouldn’t just teach them “stranger danger” but also how to stand up for themselves and set boundaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrbbf/most_kids_are_sexually_molested_or_abused_by/ ([deleted])
%
If you identify a UFO as a UFO, it’s not a UFO anymore.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr9uk/if_you_identify_a_ufo_as_a_ufo_its_not_a_ufo/ ([deleted])
%
There is someone, somewhere who didn’t give back a babies nose.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr9qa/there_is_someone_somewhere_who_didnt_give_back_a/ (Kungaroh)
%
If you change the tempo in the song Queen & A Double, it can either feel like a feelings or Eminem song.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr78w/if_you_change_the_tempo_in_the_song_queen_a/ (Yeetmaster0905)
%
Gender, sex and race could be removed from most job applications and it would ensure people are judged on credentials and nothing else up to the interview.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr548/gender_sex_and_race_could_be_removed_from_most/ (deathmarchdelta)
%
If u replace the W with a T in When, Where, What, then you get the answer.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr3uc/if_u_replace_the_w_with_a_t_in_when_where_what/ (Drunken_Moose_)
%
A 3 hour movie is almost always way too long, yet we have no problem binge watching 3x 1 hour eposodes of a good show.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr3bh/a_3_hour_movie_is_almost_always_way_too_long_yet/ ([deleted])
%
You know someone’s made a big impact on your life when you can’t even hate them because they basically made you who you are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr393/you_know_someones_made_a_big_impact_on_your_life/ (TheMaskedGeode)
%
12.3.21 is closing in.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr283/12321_is_closing_in/ (fadave93)
%
Personal “Equalizers” would probably work better than Hearing Aids.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqz5j/personal_equalizers_would_probably_work_better/ (Vantage_isle)
%
Here's a wholesome one: if you have cringed when thinking about something you did in the past, you have grown as a person.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqywa/heres_a_wholesome_one_if_you_have_cringed_when/ (Kalajasavakuy)
%
Strong believers declaring their belief system as the ”One and Only way of living” while actively Attacking everyone else’s, have to Chill. Their Specific creed is a thing they were randomly born into, nothing more.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqwoi/strong_believers_declaring_their_belief_system_as/ (h2k78666)
%
In the Cars universe the Gustav Cannon would have been repeatedly murdered and brought back to life throughout the war

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqsg5/in_the_cars_universe_the_gustav_cannon_would_have/ (lakeportlightnin)
%
Jedi's are the only people to successfully being a sword to a gun fight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqq6c/jedis_are_the_only_people_to_successfully_being_a/ (AmuroRay0704)
%
Signatures only work as proof of identity because everyone has imperfect handwriting.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqq3c/signatures_only_work_as_proof_of_identity_because/ (wisebloodfoolheart)
%
Before illustrations, everyone had their own idea of what the fictional characters looked like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqnxa/before_illustrations_everyone_had_their_own_idea/ (Semi-Spicy)
%
Just as well earned happiness is satisfying, so is well earned pain.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqnih/just_as_well_earned_happiness_is_satisfying_so_is/ (Gr4ph0n)
%
Drugs are vacations for poor people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqmzu/drugs_are_vacations_for_poor_people/ (JukeBoxDildo)
%
Some of the lights in the sky are coming from nowhere

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqk50/some_of_the_lights_in_the_sky_are_coming_from/ (BruceKettina)
%
in 1920 the accuracy rate of weather forcast was 45%, so back then you had a better chance of predicting the weather by flipping a coin.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqjs2/in_1920_the_accuracy_rate_of_weather_forcast_was/ ([deleted])
%
The Conjugate of Art & Fan is “Fan Art”, therefore eventually we will begin saying “Fart”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqjdy/the_conjugate_of_art_fan_is_fan_art_therefore/ (NozakiMufasa)
%
An actual miss universe would probably end up being hideous by our standards.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqium/an_actual_miss_universe_would_probably_end_up/ (Semi-Spicy)
%
Most people’s hair probably looks better in the mirror image of how they style it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqhu6/most_peoples_hair_probably_looks_better_in_the/ (flapjackbandit00)
%
Wise elders must’ve crewed up a lot when they were younger.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqgm2/wise_elders_mustve_crewed_up_a_lot_when_they_were/ (Semi-Spicy)
%
The difference between an 'lol' and the absence of an 'lol' has enough power to end relationships

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqf7i/the_difference_between_an_lol_and_the_absence_of/ (mybustersword)
%
Five singles is seen as cheap when a five dollar bill is seen as respectable

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqf2z/five_singles_is_seen_as_cheap_when_a_five_dollar/ (thedafthatter)
%
When vegans have kids, they never have to be concerned when their kids lick the spoon

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqesz/when_vegans_have_kids_they_never_have_to_be/ (fierypheonix)
%
Geese in France likely go "Honque" instead of "Honk"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqe44/geese_in_france_likely_go_honque_instead_of_honk/ ([deleted])
%
Take any one of the thousands of crazy things Ernest Hemingway did in his lifetime, give that one thing to someone else, and that experience will likely be the highlight of their life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqbzv/take_any_one_of_the_thousands_of_crazy_things/ (sikeston)
%
Nobody ever made the cookie monster clean up his crumbs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqav3/nobody_ever_made_the_cookie_monster_clean_up_his/ (i_never_ever_learn)
%
Most of us keep childhood toys to give to our kids but most of us aren’t even going to have sex

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqamw/most_of_us_keep_childhood_toys_to_give_to_our/ ([deleted])
%
You’re not a label to be quickly summarized. You’re a human with a story to be read.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq9b5/youre_not_a_label_to_be_quickly_summarized_youre/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
We all want the red pill, but it is better to choose the blue pill, to find very quick solutions.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq8wd/we_all_want_the_red_pill_but_it_is_better_to/ (Isacobs_35160_LHM)
%
Every star we can see is blazing out energy into empty space, completely wasted. Like a billion billion running car engines

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq6n1/every_star_we_can_see_is_blazing_out_energy_into/ (AxialGem)
%
If you watch wrestling backwards that’s basically an unboxing video.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq5la/if_you_watch_wrestling_backwards_thats_basically/ (MisterChancellor)
%
If the internet was a physical place people would go on vacations to see it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq572/if_the_internet_was_a_physical_place_people_would/ (RIPLORN)
%
Mosquitoes are only ever present when you are comfortable and the least likely to hunt them down.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq1us/mosquitoes_are_only_ever_present_when_you_are/ (WaterSheep-San)
%
The intelligence of animals seems to be measured by their willingness to obey humans’ commands.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq1hu/the_intelligence_of_animals_seems_to_be_measured/ ([deleted])
%
If someone smells your fart, you're technically inside them

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq10m/if_someone_smells_your_fart_youre_technically/ (EnGaige)
%
You only get one birthday, after that it’s all anniversaries

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpybu/you_only_get_one_birthday_after_that_its_all/ ([deleted])
%
When the weatherman says 50% chance of rain they're admitting they have no idea if it will or not.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpxn7/when_the_weatherman_says_50_chance_of_rain_theyre/ (TheTonz)
%
You have only 1 birthday, the rest are congratulations for surviving.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpx4e/you_have_only_1_birthday_the_rest_are/ (bilal_nasser99)
%
Full dive Virtual Reality would put drug dealers out of business

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpwsk/full_dive_virtual_reality_would_put_drug_dealers/ (FirstSingularity)
%
Due to inflation, it's easier than ever to feel like a million bucks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpw7b/due_to_inflation_its_easier_than_ever_to_feel/ (weneedanothertimmy)
%
Water just goes into successively smaller containers until we drink it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpurn/water_just_goes_into_successively_smaller/ (AtomicLumberjack)
%
The irony of not being able to imagine what people with aphantasia have it like.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpulj/the_irony_of_not_being_able_to_imagine_what/ (IAmNotJoshua)
%
A joke gets less funnier if you talk about how funny it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwptr7/a_joke_gets_less_funnier_if_you_talk_about_how/ (big_niBBa_chungus)
%
Ace Venture Pet Detective 2 is one of the few sequels that makes no reference to the first movie and goes on as if it never existed and we were all totally fine with it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpsof/ace_venture_pet_detective_2_is_one_of_the_few/ (tom_is_the_bomb)
%
All “Based on True Events” films are set in the same Universe.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpsne/all_based_on_true_events_films_are_set_in_the/ (RainbowNeck)
%
Getting in here with clothes still on was a bad idea.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpqyf/getting_in_here_with_clothes_still_on_was_a_bad/ (doyalikedags1)
%
All male dogs are a son of a bitch

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpqr0/all_male_dogs_are_a_son_of_a_bitch/ ([deleted])
%
No one had actually seen themselves with their eyes closed until cameras were invented

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpqpw/no_one_had_actually_seen_themselves_with_their/ (CykaBylat001)
%
A crucifix for a snake would just be a stick.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpq18/a_crucifix_for_a_snake_would_just_be_a_stick/ (version13)
%
Due to shifting coastlines, the geographic center of a feature is always changing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpnqp/due_to_shifting_coastlines_the_geographic_center/ (TheRoadDudeMN)
%
Boogers are the kidney stones of the nose

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpmt0/boogers_are_the_kidney_stones_of_the_nose/ ([deleted])
%
Somebody probably has a picture of you that you never knew was taken

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwplxy/somebody_probably_has_a_picture_of_you_that_you/ (E3Fell)
%
If you're the Main Character in your own story, then you're also the Side Character of somebody else's.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwple4/if_youre_the_main_character_in_your_own_story/ (Senziyy)
%
Aural sex is likely to give you hearing AIDS.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpl8c/aural_sex_is_likely_to_give_you_hearing_aids/ (KindlyOlPornographer)
%
Most of us have probably eaten a little bit of human flesh but just didn’t know it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpk03/most_of_us_have_probably_eaten_a_little_bit_of/ (Minkige)
%
Standing scooters are the exact opposite of treadmills.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpjth/standing_scooters_are_the_exact_opposite_of/ (pm_your_secret_keys)
%
to stop rubbish flowing to the ocean, we need less ppl stopping littering and more ppl cleaning the ocean

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwph24/to_stop_rubbish_flowing_to_the_ocean_we_need_less/ (seedyProfessor)
%
Measure Twice, cut once is probably really important during a Bris.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpg5k/measure_twice_cut_once_is_probably_really/ (zorro1701e)
%
There's spin and then there's a hurricane.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpfxs/theres_spin_and_then_theres_a_hurricane/ (VerbotenPublish)
%
it feels wrong when you fart while wearing an overall.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpefq/it_feels_wrong_when_you_fart_while_wearing_an/ (Fotthewhuck)
%
Nobody taught us how to gargle but we all know how to do it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpeab/nobody_taught_us_how_to_gargle_but_we_all_know/ (i-ran)
%
Presumably, it’s so easy to dispose of a body in an industrial meat grinder that we all might be accidental cannibals

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpea0/presumably_its_so_easy_to_dispose_of_a_body_in_an/ (off_brand_white_wolf)
%
There must still be spots on the earth where no-one has ever stood.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpe5s/there_must_still_be_spots_on_the_earth_where/ (HobbesCandie)
%
You’re not afraid of being alone in the woods, you’re afraid that you’re not alone.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpbu7/youre_not_afraid_of_being_alone_in_the_woods/ (Sir-Toastington)
%
You pay similar hourly rates for lawyers as you do for escorts because they both fuck you.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpbri/you_pay_similar_hourly_rates_for_lawyers_as_you/ (RobertGBradley)
%
Every flying object is a UFO (unidentified flying object) until you can get a clear view of what it is

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpbmz/every_flying_object_is_a_ufo_unidentified_flying/ (Ryanjd02)
%
Once full-body deepfakes become convincing enough, commercials might need to specify that the actors ARE real people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpb91/once_fullbody_deepfakes_become_convincing_enough/ (realmathtician)
%
Gay people rely on straight people to make more gay people

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp8qi/gay_people_rely_on_straight_people_to_make_more/ (throwaway_1_8)
%
You never see a girl wearing a hawaiian shirt

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp8kg/you_never_see_a_girl_wearing_a_hawaiian_shirt/ (Darkmaster666666)
%
There's a point where slower walking becomes way harder than normal walking

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp87t/theres_a_point_where_slower_walking_becomes_way/ (Zeraru)
%
Iphone was getting smaller and simpler, until Steve Jobs died.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp7fd/iphone_was_getting_smaller_and_simpler_until/ (PhD3DP)
%
Not many people appreciated just how convenient FaceID was until recently

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp749/not_many_people_appreciated_just_how_convenient/ ([deleted])
%
Dogs can learn any language a human can but they just can't speak it back to us

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp6gw/dogs_can_learn_any_language_a_human_can_but_they/ (cwx149)
%
If Darth Plagueis was really that wise, he'd have been able to prevent his loss of power and death.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp5py/if_darth_plagueis_was_really_that_wise_hed_have/ (Crash-Bash)
%
When YouTubers tend to collab in a single video, watching another video from each of their channels is a third-person view experience.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp5cc/when_youtubers_tend_to_collab_in_a_single_video/ (SadFire1)
%
If you have “rescued” a turtle by putting them back in the water you have most likely killed it due to common misconceptions

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp5c1/if_you_have_rescued_a_turtle_by_putting_them_back/ ([deleted])
%
The very first humans probably didn't know that death is inevitable

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp4wb/the_very_first_humans_probably_didnt_know_that/ (Martick)
%
purgatory is a hot laundromat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp4k6/purgatory_is_a_hot_laundromat/ (Grave-Bait)
%
The first humans didn't know about death

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp417/the_first_humans_didnt_know_about_death/ (Martick)
%
Cats kick themselves in the face to relieve an itch.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp3r2/cats_kick_themselves_in_the_face_to_relieve_an/ (RobertGBradley)
%
If you want to know how long it's going to take for your food to be delivered, instead of asking "When's the ETA" you can change the acronym slightly and ask "When's the EAT"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp2z3/if_you_want_to_know_how_long_its_going_to_take/ (Rooner_Spism)
%
When meth users get bored they can just play connect the dots with their arm.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp2y8/when_meth_users_get_bored_they_can_just_play/ (hungryfordonuts5)
%
All pictures will be grouped as either pre or post mouth covering era.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp1tv/all_pictures_will_be_grouped_as_either_pre_or/ ([deleted])
%
Death is the participation award for the game of life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp1t9/death_is_the_participation_award_for_the_game_of/ (_Sentient-Cactus_)
%
Dog and cat food is marketed to look appetizing to humans.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp1ew/dog_and_cat_food_is_marketed_to_look_appetizing/ (Scallywhompus)
%
David dunning and Justin Kruger had shot themselves in the foot knowing they couldn't be experts in their own discovery of cognitive bias.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwozjt/david_dunning_and_justin_kruger_had_shot/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Former LinkedIn employees are posting on LinkedIn that they lost their job at LinkedIn

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwox2u/former_linkedin_employees_are_posting_on_linkedin/ (Footsteps_10)
%
old english is incomprehensible to most of us, even though along the way everybody thought they kept speaking the same language as their parents

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwowx6/old_english_is_incomprehensible_to_most_of_us/ (AxialGem)
%
Twitch streamers almost never have kids

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwowlq/twitch_streamers_almost_never_have_kids/ (Suthrnr)
%
One who half asses, half lives.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwowll/one_who_half_asses_half_lives/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Sunglasses activate dark mode in real life.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwovwy/sunglasses_activate_dark_mode_in_real_life/ ([deleted])
%
If you accidentally micic someone’s accent while talking to them they won’t realize it and just think your accent disappeared.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hworfr/if_you_accidentally_micic_someones_accent_while/ ([deleted])
%
There’s probably a lot of anti-maskers that smoke cigarettes

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoqfc/theres_probably_a_lot_of_antimaskers_that_smoke/ (kronossyt)
%
Starfleet Doesn’t Need Toilets

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoohz/starfleet_doesnt_need_toilets/ (serious_sarcasm)
%
The most manly thing a man can do is have a tea party with his daughter

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoo9w/the_most_manly_thing_a_man_can_do_is_have_a_tea/ (rainbowsixsiegeboy)
%
At one point, you've been the closest you've ever been to a dead body in your life without knowing it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwomf1/at_one_point_youve_been_the_closest_youve_ever/ (CartoonGuy277)
%
Somebody in a 3d action movie must have thought that a real punch to the face was a part lf of the movie

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwolp3/somebody_in_a_3d_action_movie_must_have_thought/ (iamapersonmf)
%
The world record holder for the world's youngest person is constantly broken.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoihw/the_world_record_holder_for_the_worlds_youngest/ (Jida-polysavoir99)
%
Humans are both the most intelligent and the most dumb creatures in the world.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwohzq/humans_are_both_the_most_intelligent_and_the_most/ (Halit_Eren)
%
You’re not helping anything when you label yourself and others.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwohui/youre_not_helping_anything_when_you_label/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Due to the incremental way that sales tax works, there are some prices that you will never pay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwofs3/due_to_the_incremental_way_that_sales_tax_works/ (TheStarmanLord)
%
A cloud is comparable to a person in many ways, whether looked up to or pointed at by kids. Each cloud is unique, coming in many shapes and forms, and when clouds come together they can create storms and make things move on a grand scale.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoetv/a_cloud_is_comparable_to_a_person_in_many_ways/ (iAaronicBird)
%
Digging down is also digging up.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoej0/digging_down_is_also_digging_up/ (MattOnePointO)
%
Both concrete and glass are mostly made of sand which makes skyscrapers just really tall sand castles.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwob6d/both_concrete_and_glass_are_mostly_made_of_sand/ (AlmightyOne23)
%
The walking path at the zoo is the human enclosure

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoarv/the_walking_path_at_the_zoo_is_the_human_enclosure/ (SmackEh)
%
The universe might be creeped out when it finally notices us spying on it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoadu/the_universe_might_be_creeped_out_when_it_finally/ (PolyphenolOverdose)
%
It must really suck to gave the surname Einstein and have below average intelligence

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo97l/it_must_really_suck_to_gave_the_surname_einstein/ (maybebaby83)
%
Carly and Spencer from “iCarly” literally had an elevator leading to their appartment, making it about the most vulnerable place for theft.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo8p2/carly_and_spencer_from_icarly_literally_had_an/ (joepoe12345)
%
We are all equally far from the horizon at all times

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo866/we_are_all_equally_far_from_the_horizon_at_all/ (NomadTheNomad)
%
A 12 year old girl from a kid’s anime causes the most hentai addictions

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo7lw/a_12_year_old_girl_from_a_kids_anime_causes_the/ (Joshadow11)
%
Getting an itch on your foot while being ticklish is a strange conundrum.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo760/getting_an_itch_on_your_foot_while_being_ticklish/ (Therpj3)
%
An infinity bow is really a 384 bow

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo5xe/an_infinity_bow_is_really_a_384_bow/ (Ad3quat3)
%
Peace cannot happen if the majority wants to profit from being right.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo53d/peace_cannot_happen_if_the_majority_wants_to/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
You know you’re getting old when you have to make your headphones as big as possible

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo4ke/you_know_youre_getting_old_when_you_have_to_make/ (Sacred_Taco_Wizard)
%
When you get into the passenger seat of a car, you’re in spectator mode.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo3xb/when_you_get_into_the_passenger_seat_of_a_car/ ([deleted])
%
Maybe the comets didn't hit us because somebody wished for the comet not to hit earth

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo2sr/maybe_the_comets_didnt_hit_us_because_somebody/ (chizhi1234)
%
It's amazing how much better bread tastes compared to flour.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo22a/its_amazing_how_much_better_bread_tastes_compared/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
%
Many successful actors have actual work husbands/work wives

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo0de/many_successful_actors_have_actual_work/ (D3ltaforc3)
%
If people could rate and review profiles on Tinder after their date, someone could be saved of a horrible day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo03h/if_people_could_rate_and_review_profiles_on/ (i_dont_haveausername)
%
Hxuesule fkdodne kdpfndlw dpfld fo fdodlb

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnzq3/hxuesule_fkdodne_kdpfndlw_dpfld_fo_fdodlb/ (HugoSaxen)
%
If it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnwn0/if_it_werent_for_bad_luck_wed_have_no_luck_at_all/ ([deleted])
%
If we go by autocorrect, no one an spell properly or speak English.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnweh/if_we_go_by_autocorrect_no_one_an_spell_properly/ (AngelFox1)
%
Humans in 200 years

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnuzx/humans_in_200_years/ (scrowley08)
%
Sooner or later all ot the energy will turn into heat

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnu62/sooner_or_later_all_ot_the_energy_will_turn_into/ (ProAssassin666)
%
The only way an arrow will ever reach its target is to be pulled backwards first.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwntm9/the_only_way_an_arrow_will_ever_reach_its_target/ ([deleted])
%
The next mobile Nintendo game will be a Smash Bro’s game without a doubt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwns8s/the_next_mobile_nintendo_game_will_be_a_smash/ (NighTraiN7804)
%
Shaving your face is probably equally as difficult for someone with sharp jawlines as it is for someone who is has a pudgy face.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwns58/shaving_your_face_is_probably_equally_as/ ([deleted])
%
"Cute girls" are just "hot girls" without all the makeup and arrogance

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnrym/cute_girls_are_just_hot_girls_without_all_the/ ([deleted])
%
Although many people misuse the term 'millenials' to refer to teenage behavior, the very first millenials will turn 40 next year..

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnqjy/although_many_people_misuse_the_term_millenials/ (SharpshootinTearaway)
%
In a few seasons when the Stranger Things kids are 18, we all will witness the most uncomfortable sex scene imaginable.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnpei/in_a_few_seasons_when_the_stranger_things_kids/ ([deleted])
%
Alfa Romeos all look ridiculously hilarious. Their grille looks like a vagene.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnowb/alfa_romeos_all_look_ridiculously_hilarious_their/ (nex0rz)
%
When a person wearing glasses takes a photo of the moon using a telescope from a camera, there are total of five consecutive lenses.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnoqj/when_a_person_wearing_glasses_takes_a_photo_of/ (Negativride)
%
A middle school music concert is more impressive for the teacher who coordinated the whole thing than the kids performing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnomz/a_middle_school_music_concert_is_more_impressive/ (lucidvision5)
%
All sweets are sugar flavoured.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnnxn/all_sweets_are_sugar_flavoured/ (Mantiokas)
%
“Old McDonald” gets a lot darker when you realize everything is past tense.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnnxb/old_mcdonald_gets_a_lot_darker_when_you_realize/ (TurtleKing0505)
%
We listen to music loud in our cars so we can sing along and not hear our own voices.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnlgt/we_listen_to_music_loud_in_our_cars_so_we_can/ (sanjirou3)
%
cavemen probably didn’t wipe their asses

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnjqe/cavemen_probably_didnt_wipe_their_asses/ (socksgrowonbushes)
%
Mullets are always associated with rednecks, but mullets actually prevent rednecks.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnisk/mullets_are_always_associated_with_rednecks_but/ ([deleted])
%
Being stabbed in the eye is significantly worse if your eyes are closed

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnho9/being_stabbed_in_the_eye_is_significantly_worse/ (aestheticdickwad)
%
Having kids is a pyramid scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnhdn/having_kids_is_a_pyramid_scheme/ ([deleted])
%
Dark mode will be the default mode in phones one day.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwngz8/dark_mode_will_be_the_default_mode_in_phones_one/ (RecoveringRelapser)
%
Addition is one-dimensional, multiplication is two-dimensional and powers are three-dimensional.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwngr0/addition_is_onedimensional_multiplication_is/ (BahamanLlama)
%
We think babies are cute and tiny, but they're ridiculously big compared to newly borns of many other species..

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwndps/we_think_babies_are_cute_and_tiny_but_theyre/ (CaveFlavored)
%
Maybe Joker accidentally switched the addresses in The Dark Knight.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnda6/maybe_joker_accidentally_switched_the_addresses/ (RecoveringRelapser)
%
"You do you" and "Go f**k yourself" have both the same and wildly different meanings

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwncri/you_do_you_and_go_fk_yourself_have_both_the_same/ (mike_okismul)
%
Some people complained that many comedy TV shows aren’t really funny without their laugh tracks. But many horror shows would also be as bland without spooky sound, especially during jump scare. And it’s the same for many other genre as well.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnbrq/some_people_complained_that_many_comedy_tv_shows/ (Leris)
%
Da Bomb is the real star of Hot Ones.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnbdq/da_bomb_is_the_real_star_of_hot_ones/ (pikknz)
%
Nobody cares how a car engine works until it doesn't work

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnb52/nobody_cares_how_a_car_engine_works_until_it/ (Seedpound)
%
Dogs don't give a shit about being naked in public.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnazp/dogs_dont_give_a_shit_about_being_naked_in_public/ (SoepjesKoekjes)
%
People pay a premium for bread with bigger air pockets, even though they are actually getting less bread.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwna4b/people_pay_a_premium_for_bread_with_bigger_air/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
%
The world population is inaccurate because there are humans in space.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn8zc/the_world_population_is_inaccurate_because_there/ (DarkKing16)
%
the future cannot be predicted because of emergent properties

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn8pv/the_future_cannot_be_predicted_because_of/ (jiohdi1960)
%
Technically the day we are born is our birthday. All the other years it's our birthday anniversaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn8it/technically_the_day_we_are_born_is_our_birthday/ (me--_--gusta)
%
You aren’t a part of the white or black race, you’re a part of the human race.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn700/you_arent_a_part_of_the_white_or_black_race_youre/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
When two people kiss, both buttholes technically connect

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn672/when_two_people_kiss_both_buttholes_technically/ (BoomBoom64)
%
We correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects us

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn4s7/we_correct_autocorrect_more_than_autocorrect/ (sergiogfs)
%
You have one birthday the rest are anniversaries

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn4q4/you_have_one_birthday_the_rest_are_anniversaries/ ([deleted])
%
A person with big brain has more memory capacity but people associate it with intelligence.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn4fz/a_person_with_big_brain_has_more_memory_capacity/ (iMuzamil)
%
In kindergarten our teachers made us understand syllables without even giving us a definition

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn44p/in_kindergarten_our_teachers_made_us_understand/ (SomethingFunny2990)
%
Nitrogen might have a smell, but we've all gone nose blind to it from having breathed it in since birth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmxru/nitrogen_might_have_a_smell_but_weve_all_gone/ (BCICNSFD_HKSFM)
%
Nothing is better than bringing a dog to your room and it grabs it's favourite toy for you to throw

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmuq2/nothing_is_better_than_bringing_a_dog_to_your/ (GroundbreakingDeal0)
%
We’re so removed from our instincts that nurses need to advise new parents to cuddle their babies and sleep in the same room as them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmupw/were_so_removed_from_our_instincts_that_nurses/ (bridgeheadprod)
%
People like carrot cake because of the cinnamon, not because of the carrots.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmtni/people_like_carrot_cake_because_of_the_cinnamon/ (Eertyu)
%
It's only acceptable to drink breast milk for so long.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmtkl/its_only_acceptable_to_drink_breast_milk_for_so/ (postmodernhippiegoth)
%
The fact that sodium citrate makes great nacho cheese is INCREDIBLY suspicious given its chemical formula: Na₃C₆H₅O₇

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmqk0/the_fact_that_sodium_citrate_makes_great_nacho/ (TheForwardMomentum)
%
Movies with real-life logic feel like they make no sense

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmqic/movies_with_reallife_logic_feel_like_they_make_no/ (Titan_Royale)
%
You have one birthday, the rest are anniversaries.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmqf4/you_have_one_birthday_the_rest_are_anniversaries/ ([deleted])
%
Billy Joel wrote "We Didn't Start The Fire" without the internet available to him

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmpwi/billy_joel_wrote_we_didnt_start_the_fire_without/ (3stackshs)
%
A bank will take money from your empty account then will proceed tell you there’s no money in your bank but will still take said money from your empty account.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmpu1/a_bank_will_take_money_from_your_empty_account/ ([deleted])
%
When you walk down the street and see the local fire man booty 🔥

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmpsg/when_you_walk_down_the_street_and_see_the_local/ (strangerwithabigiron)
%
You breed conflict when you label yourself and others as something other than human.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmppq/you_breed_conflict_when_you_label_yourself_and/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
You only think there are seven colours in the rainbow because it's commonly said there are

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmor6/you_only_think_there_are_seven_colours_in_the/ (AxialGem)
%
If the oldest man alive is 112, then 112 years ago there was a completely different set of humans

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmn1x/if_the_oldest_man_alive_is_112_then_112_years_ago/ (Titan_Royale)
%
Being a pirate was the old version of a get rich quick scheme

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmjoc/being_a_pirate_was_the_old_version_of_a_get_rich/ (OneAnimeBoi)
%
Common defects probably come from the fact that everybody is kind of related

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmixv/common_defects_probably_come_from_the_fact_that/ (crackerall)
%
When a child is born, they are the youngest person on earth.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmio4/when_a_child_is_born_they_are_the_youngest_person/ (FastToflash)
%
One day, we're going to run out of purebred animals.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmgzq/one_day_were_going_to_run_out_of_purebred_animals/ (AshKohn47)
%
It is odd that there are no flying plants.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmgd7/it_is_odd_that_there_are_no_flying_plants/ (QuarterCricket)
%
Shoddy advertisement is more effective at deterring customers than an anti-product campaign.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmg3d/shoddy_advertisement_is_more_effective_at/ (PossessedGumball)
%
When a company buys an online ad, they're probably losing more customers than they're gaining.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmeb9/when_a_company_buys_an_online_ad_theyre_probably/ ([deleted])
%
Like Ring around a Rosie, we need cool nursery rhymes for Civid-19

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmdh7/like_ring_around_a_rosie_we_need_cool_nursery/ (Heavyspire)
%
You probably hold at least one world record without knowing it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmdem/you_probably_hold_at_least_one_world_record/ (rovertnorad)
%
Respawning in a game changes your birthdate

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmcfe/respawning_in_a_game_changes_your_birthdate/ (Mootbing)
%
Those who've caused wars know it, but those who prevented them probably don't.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmc92/those_whove_caused_wars_know_it_but_those_who/ (hijabifresh)
%
We cannot really know if it’s actually Thursday. Someone could have made a mistake some thousands of years ago, and it is actually Friday or Tuesday.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmbs5/we_cannot_really_know_if_its_actually_thursday/ (netanelyat)
%
‘Indeed’ is a good place to fool people that you’re applying to a lot of places without actually having to be worried about really getting a job.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmaae/indeed_is_a_good_place_to_fool_people_that_youre/ ([deleted])
%
Your father is the ultimate motherfucker

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm9nw/your_father_is_the_ultimate_motherfucker/ (stompywomp)
%
Having sex with a family member is bad, unless you're married to them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm9jq/having_sex_with_a_family_member_is_bad_unless/ (RussianJeenyus)
%
We will never hear a new Toys R Us jingle

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm83s/we_will_never_hear_a_new_toys_r_us_jingle/ (Lagstravaganza)
%
We are lucky that air is invisible.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm83d/we_are_lucky_that_air_is_invisible/ (Chels42)
%
People hide under blankets in fear of ghosts. Ghosts appear as blankets because they are also hiding from something.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm7x8/people_hide_under_blankets_in_fear_of_ghosts/ (shiroukotomine)
%
Every job is a manual labor job, if you're smart enough.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm332/every_job_is_a_manual_labor_job_if_youre_smart/ (The-Fish-Lord)
%
Having to start a lawnmower is a challenge that no other activity in life prepares you for.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm1vs/having_to_start_a_lawnmower_is_a_challenge_that/ (southwoodhunter)
%
Considering how huge some dinosaurs were, it's quite possible that some smaller creatures were crushed to death by their falling poops.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm11i/considering_how_huge_some_dinosaurs_were_its/ (hellslave)
%
Teenagers are better at finding drug dealers then the Police...

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm085/teenagers_are_better_at_finding_drug_dealers_then/ (Samad17)
%
Fasting is literally watching your body eat itself alive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlzrl/fasting_is_literally_watching_your_body_eat/ (Isntitabouttime69)
%
We overestimate what we can do in a day and underestimate what we can do in an year.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlwls/we_overestimate_what_we_can_do_in_a_day_and/ (RecoveringRelapser)
%
Well eventually turn earth into dust from our desire for territory, space and lust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlwft/well_eventually_turn_earth_into_dust_from_our/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
Teleporters could just be highly advanced 3D printers.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlvqk/teleporters_could_just_be_highly_advanced_3d/ (zuwiboiii)
%
Well eventually turn this whole planet to dust from our desire for territory, space and lust.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlvn8/well_eventually_turn_this_whole_planet_to_dust/ ([deleted])
%
Any word can rhyme if you willing to pronounce it badly enough

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlvg0/any_word_can_rhyme_if_you_willing_to_pronounce_it/ (ditenado)
%
Toddler skulls are full of teeth sitting in the ranks, waiting to erupt.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlt4m/toddler_skulls_are_full_of_teeth_sitting_in_the/ (OyVeyzMeir)
%
Dogs never figure out what fireworks are.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlsvs/dogs_never_figure_out_what_fireworks_are/ (JimmyBags2)
%
Thank you for being born is one of the nicest things you'll ever hear from someone else

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwls9s/thank_you_for_being_born_is_one_of_the_nicest/ (Lord_Azian)
%
The fact that you procrastinate and still get shit done is the exact reason why you procrastinate

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwls4c/the_fact_that_you_procrastinate_and_still_get/ (Xenon_Heathy)
%
Death is the only expected, and unexpected thing to exist.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwls1z/death_is_the_only_expected_and_unexpected_thing/ (LightslicerGandP)
%
All of the fruit we eat is dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlr5f/all_of_the_fruit_we_eat_is_dead/ (CandyLover312)
%
Clothes are food wrappers to mosquitoes.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlqf8/clothes_are_food_wrappers_to_mosquitoes/ (NonBelieverBeliever)
%
Some kids when they get their first haircut experience shear terror.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlpul/some_kids_when_they_get_their_first_haircut/ ([deleted])
%
Our childhood ends when we start getting “stomach aches” instead of “tummy aches”

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlp2e/our_childhood_ends_when_we_start_getting_stomach/ (TheUnfactorable)
%
There are many crazy news on TV. But no one heard of a single prostitute ruining their career because of getting pregnant

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlm22/there_are_many_crazy_news_on_tv_but_no_one_heard/ (vpetrychuk)
%
Watermelons look like fat cucumbers

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwllt6/watermelons_look_like_fat_cucumbers/ (v0rTeX767)
%
If you tell yourself that you need to do your homework to earn 2 cookies, you can bribe yourself with one cookie to let yourself eat the other cookie, so you don't need to do your homework.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlkrd/if_you_tell_yourself_that_you_need_to_do_your/ (Darkmaster666666)
%
People born blind can create with their imagination without having seen a thing.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwljzs/people_born_blind_can_create_with_their/ (AndrewSmalley)
%
Walking around unmasked people feels weirder than walking around masked people.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwljx6/walking_around_unmasked_people_feels_weirder_than/ (GentleBreeze96)
%
A minute is short when you put something in the microwave and try to complete a task but long when you sit and watch it go by.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlj2a/a_minute_is_short_when_you_put_something_in_the/ (Kila_Joule)
%
The golden ratio is 1,618 and the difference between 1 mile and 1 km is 1,609. Therefore, if you memorise a couple of the Fibonacci numbers, you can easily convert miles and kilometres quickly in your head.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlisf/the_golden_ratio_is_1618_and_the_difference/ ([deleted])
%
If a woman is born with all the eggs she will ever have then you are technically the same age as your mother

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlfx5/if_a_woman_is_born_with_all_the_eggs_she_will/ (themattcrumb)
%
If the humans were extinct and only dogs survived, would an apple still be red.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlfty/if_the_humans_were_extinct_and_only_dogs_survived/ (gooodkush)
%
If you had a dollar for every girl that found you unattractive, girls would find you attractive.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlf8c/if_you_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_you/ (wolfyrinee)
%
Destruction follows humans wherever they go.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwle2b/destruction_follows_humans_wherever_they_go/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
It's quicker to count to 10, 6 times, than to count to 60.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlde4/its_quicker_to_count_to_10_6_times_than_to_count/ (__Dawn__Amber__)
%
If mosquitoes knew how much they were hated, they probably would bite more often, and maybe in swarms.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlbai/if_mosquitoes_knew_how_much_they_were_hated_they/ (Mahagoney-locket)
%
Every person ever has held the record for the youngest person alive. Every person ever will hold the record for the last person to die.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl71w/every_person_ever_has_held_the_record_for_the/ (opktun2)
%
Peace is a word we created but it can’t exist if the creator is here to stay.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl5i2/peace_is_a_word_we_created_but_it_cant_exist_if/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
%
There's no "u" or "i" in the world "happy" but there is a "y".

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl3o2/theres_no_u_or_i_in_the_world_happy_but_there_is/ (imDiRT)
%
Roosters = Cocks because "cock a doodle do"

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl33f/roosters_cocks_because_cock_a_doodle_do/ (AmuroRay0704)
%
Staring at the sun gives you a temporary real life crosshair.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl2ko/staring_at_the_sun_gives_you_a_temporary_real/ (itzWiCK3D)
%
Assassins probably know more painless ways to kill people than painful.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl2bd/assassins_probably_know_more_painless_ways_to/ (RavenDraws63t)
%
Ironically, a vacuum that "sucks" is one that doesn't work very well, though it is technically it's main purpose

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl0ys/ironically_a_vacuum_that_sucks_is_one_that_doesnt/ (Extraparmplz)
%
Life doesn’t go by fast, we just forget most of it

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl06y/life_doesnt_go_by_fast_we_just_forget_most_of_it/ (The_CameronVal)
%
Spinach and Kale are boring grown up versions of Shrinky Dinks

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkz5w/spinach_and_kale_are_boring_grown_up_versions_of/ (RatherNerdy)
%
It seems the newer someone is to a social media platform the more notifications they get from it.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkxm0/it_seems_the_newer_someone_is_to_a_social_media/ (sopedound)
%
The biggest improvement that anyone will ever make is jumping ahead several billion ranks after starting in last place in the "Oldest Human" competition.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkw36/the_biggest_improvement_that_anyone_will_ever/ (Communist_Pants)
%
A quick glance of US headlines show why Pride tops the list of the 7 deadly sins

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkvz0/a_quick_glance_of_us_headlines_show_why_pride/ (4EyedBrownDragon)
%
No one will ever know what death feels like, seeing as if you do, then you're dead

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkvkc/no_one_will_ever_know_what_death_feels_like/ (Budro123)
%
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the only person who you can immediately identify simply by his grunts.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwku8x/arnold_schwarzenegger_is_the_only_person_who_you/ (goldfishtender)
%
The last human born on earth will probably only live to be several seconds old when they die, as some mass extinction event occurs.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwktvu/the_last_human_born_on_earth_will_probably_only/ (TheLoneMinon)
%
The most famous person in the world on the day you die, probably isn't born yet

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwksam/the_most_famous_person_in_the_world_on_the_day/ (CwazyChris)
%
You're either uglier or more attractive than you think, you can never be sure.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkrje/youre_either_uglier_or_more_attractive_than_you/ (puzh_buttonz)
%
Choices are hard, but everyone wants them.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkr26/choices_are_hard_but_everyone_wants_them/ (CaptainConfusedALot)
%
Babies get praised for burping but adults get chastised.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkqb8/babies_get_praised_for_burping_but_adults_get/ (bellyfloppin)
%
We will never find out what the King from Zelda CD-i actually had for dinner.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkq1b/we_will_never_find_out_what_the_king_from_zelda/ (Ion_D-worth)
%
The reason we only celebrate birthday at young age and old age is because when we're young, we have only lived for few years and when we're old , we only live for a few more years

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkpll/the_reason_we_only_celebrate_birthday_at_young/ (Tutrois)
%
Pretty odd how all these superheroes only speak English

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkn42/pretty_odd_how_all_these_superheroes_only_speak/ ([deleted])
%
Most people rarely make grilled cheese on a grill

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkms5/most_people_rarely_make_grilled_cheese_on_a_grill/ (noodlecoffee_)
%
Midnight is not a great way to describe 12:00 am.

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkkka/midnight_is_not_a_great_way_to_describe_1200_am/ (BusyPooping)
%
Some songs better when you're not the one playing them

— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkk22/some_songs_better_when_youre_not_the_one_playing/

This file has been truncated. View the full file.

1	Fractals would make interesting flipbooks, where each page is a new iteration. In some cases, it would probably look like your falling into the paper as the pages flip.
2
3	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imiyhm/fractals_would_make_interesting_flipbooks_where/ (someonerezcody)
4	%
5	Despite producing a lot of heat, lava lamp lightbulbs are actually incredibly efficient.
6
7	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imh2kx/despite_producing_a_lot_of_heat_lava_lamp/ (TDA_Liamo)
8	%
9	Coffee is indirectly responsible for you keeping your job.
10
11	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imej0i/coffee_is_indirectly_responsible_for_you_keeping/ (8Romans)
12	%
13	All dreams are deja vu's, will they happen depends on your choices
14
15	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imd89d/all_dreams_are_deja_vus_will_they_happen_depends/ (vliukkiang)
16	%
17	Tired of being right? Use a vpn.
18
19	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/imb1sl/tired_of_being_right_use_a_vpn/ (ivlark)
20	%
21	Millennials are the George McFly of generations
22
23	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im9ovq/millennials_are_the_george_mcfly_of_generations/ (TewCow)
24	%
25	A blowjob is the only job where if you don’t suck at it, you’re probably not very good at it.
26
27	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im9eux/a_blowjob_is_the_only_job_where_if_you_dont_suck/ (foshowdoe)
28	%
29	Some people are more hyped about getting something than actually using said thing.
30
31	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im89bw/some_people_are_more_hyped_about_getting/ (_TH30RY)
32	%
33	When humans are able to 3D print organs and use them successfully a big chunk of the black market will fall.
34
35	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im6ati/when_humans_are_able_to_3d_print_organs_and_use/ (TotallyBrandNewName)
36	%
37	The brain is a universe
38
39	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im64lu/the_brain_is_a_universe/ (Wifiscifi)
40	%
41	It is very difficult to follow a hockey game when a fly keeps landing on the TV screen.
42
43	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im5z3d/it_is_very_difficult_to_follow_a_hockey_game_when/ (chernchern)
44	%
45	There are more adults that act like children than children that act like adults.
46
47	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im5vit/there_are_more_adults_that_act_like_children_than/ (Wildfire3713)
48	%
49	Crying is an allergic reaction to bad news
50
51	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im5ocv/crying_is_an_allergic_reaction_to_bad_news/ (Jewish_Anarchist)
52	%
53	Rappers be like hip hop a hippy a hippy to the hip hip hop you don't stop rocking to the bang bang boogey up jump the rhythem to the boogey dee beat
54
55	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im4f8h/rappers_be_like_hip_hop_a_hippy_a_hippy_to_the/ (Chessboxxxin)
56	%
57	Seltzer tastes like tv static
58
59	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im429f/seltzer_tastes_like_tv_static/ (Boochpooch)
60	%
61	Everybody's stomach is full of vomit
62
63	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im3vyk/everybodys_stomach_is_full_of_vomit/ (Yukonmania)
64	%
65	The Golden Rule doesn’t take those who like sexual punishment into consideration.
66
67	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im35kl/the_golden_rule_doesnt_take_those_who_like_sexual/ (Loudmouth_Tech_Fan)
68	%
69	If everyone’s sense of smell got 10% better at once we probably wouldn’t notice
70
71	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im275h/if_everyones_sense_of_smell_got_10_better_at_once/ (Og_Medium_Sized_Pump)
72	%
73	In video games, continuing to shoot someone after you've killed them is gaming's way of saying, "fuck you."
74
75	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/im00pc/in_video_games_continuing_to_shoot_someone_after/ (_zanacks_)
76	%
77	Goodness isn't loud but echoes through the future.
78
79	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ily03t/goodness_isnt_loud_but_echoes_through_the_future/ (JaredLiwet)
80	%
81	Technically every paid pvp game is pay to win because you need to buy the game for a chance to win .
82
83	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilww7k/technically_every_paid_pvp_game_is_pay_to_win/ (Fe_oxay)
84	%
85	A slice of pizza is technically just another smaller pizza
86
87	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilwvnn/a_slice_of_pizza_is_technically_just_another/ (Xudda)
88	%
89	There's probably as many books with leather jackets as there are people.
90
91	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilv4dk/theres_probably_as_many_books_with_leather/ (littlebuster22)
92	%
93	Physically going to school might be the new “walked uphill both ways” for our stories to later generations.
94
95	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilu5eq/physically_going_to_school_might_be_the_new/ (volcom91891)
96	%
97	If a toy in toy-story died than the other toys would know it and would have to watch a kid play with a corpse
98
99	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iltvl2/if_a_toy_in_toystory_died_than_the_other_toys/ (BobbyBigBlack21)
100	%
101	Buying someone a dildo is the ultimate way to tell someone to go F*** themselves.
102
103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilo3td/buying_someone_a_dildo_is_the_ultimate_way_to/ (JarlesV3)
104	%
105	A bed is far more comfortable during a weekday instead of a weekend
106
107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilkpll/a_bed_is_far_more_comfortable_during_a_weekday/ (grandpoox)
108	%
109	Due to people with amputations, the amount of people with enough bones to make a human body does not equal 100%
110
111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilk8rd/due_to_people_with_amputations_the_amount_of/ (Lansing17)
112	%
113	Water is made of pure wet.
114
115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilk7zk/water_is_made_of_pure_wet/ (AlienSpaceDingo)
116	%
117	"Running like a dog" is a weird saying seeing as dog's run so well.
118
119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iljx5b/running_like_a_dog_is_a_weird_saying_seeing_as/ (netpenthe)
120	%
121	"I can't wait!" Sounds more urgent than excited
122
123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ili53o/i_cant_wait_sounds_more_urgent_than_excited/ (Zoeyz93)
124	%
125	If ham radio enthusiasts had been born half a century later they would have 3d printers.
126
127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilhqki/if_ham_radio_enthusiasts_had_been_born_half_a/ (aguygoesintoabar)
128	%
129	No one in the history of the Universe has been you, you are as unique as it gets.
130
131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilhioz/no_one_in_the_history_of_the_universe_has_been/ (DJBusinessCake)
132	%
133	Be interesting to see when you reach your 80s or 90s, whether the Golden girls look old or young.
134
135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilhb7s/be_interesting_to_see_when_you_reach_your_80s_or/ (Tbagyogrill)
136	%
137	Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly.
138
139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilh6ua/incorrectly_is_always_spelt_incorrectly/ (Horny-Housewife)
140	%
141	Have a regular DnD night Tuesdays that just got postponed... My Tuesday used to feel like friday 😢
142
143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilgi92/have_a_regular_dnd_night_tuesdays_that_just_got/ (Danilo2213)
144	%
145	If mosquitoes were going extinct even PETA wouldn’t advocate for them.
146
147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilg169/if_mosquitoes_were_going_extinct_even_peta/ (90sWannabe)
148	%
149	All gold is fool's gold.
150
151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilfpty/all_gold_is_fools_gold/ (ThatGuy___YouKnow)
152	%
153	To pee, or not to pee. That is the question.
154
155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilemkv/to_pee_or_not_to_pee_that_is_the_question/ (TheBoOmBaptiZt)
156	%
157	Villains loose because they make their plans fool proof, not genius proof
158
159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ile9fr/villains_loose_because_they_make_their_plans_fool/ (TrueDripDamage)
160	%
161	Technically speaking the glass isn't half empty or full
162
163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilczvf/technically_speaking_the_glass_isnt_half_empty_or/ (Owenthemilkjug)
164	%
165	The letter B is letter P but pregnant
166
167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilbhfz/the_letter_b_is_letter_p_but_pregnant/ (KoolIdiot)
168	%
169	Air is considered a fluid so blowing at something to clean it is the same as rinsing it off
170
171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilbexy/air_is_considered_a_fluid_so_blowing_at_something/ (Skeeter_boi-)
172	%
173	Saying "I feel threatened." Is a threat in a very weird way.
174
175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilbd5k/saying_i_feel_threatened_is_a_threat_in_a_very/ (fangmichdraussnjunge)
176	%
177	Being a “self made” man is simply impossible.
178
179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ilajdy/being_a_self_made_man_is_simply_impossible/ (DomyGSB)
180	%
181	Entrails are the original magicians ribbons.
182
183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ila5y6/entrails_are_the_original_magicians_ribbons/ (littlebuster22)
184	%
185	Eat becomes Fat if you don’t draw a line somewhere
186
187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il9gwi/eat_becomes_fat_if_you_dont_draw_a_line_somewhere/ (Pegi111)
188	%
189	Superheroes would never want to meet their creators because they would mad over the people killed by the villains they created as well
190
191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il9gmy/superheroes_would_never_want_to_meet_their/ (DRHAX34)
192	%
193	communion wine is a holy spirit.
194
195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il8znm/communion_wine_is_a_holy_spirit/ (FurryHunter41970)
196	%
197	People with one hand have a speech impediment in sign language.
198
199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il8bkx/people_with_one_hand_have_a_speech_impediment_in/ (faaraad2)
200	%
201	The opposite of the opposite of the opposite of wrong is joined
202
203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il78ue/the_opposite_of_the_opposite_of_the_opposite_of/ (ofnkrtffl)
204	%
205	Everyone thinks porn stars have great stamina But no one seems to last longer having sex than your mom and dad, when you can hear them through the wall.
206
207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il6guq/everyone_thinks_porn_stars_have_great_stamina_but/ (ChrisBermansWallet)
208	%
209	We are able to capture HD footage of Mars, but have yet to see a ghost in HD quality.
210
211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il61en/we_are_able_to_capture_hd_footage_of_mars_but/ (Qums)
212	%
213	Dogs may like being fussed because they think it brings you joy
214
215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5q9a/dogs_may_like_being_fussed_because_they_think_it/ (terti164)
216	%
217	Bob Ross was the original ASMR
218
219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5pyi/bob_ross_was_the_original_asmr/ (Common-Consensus)
220	%
221	Insects live in a world where Kaiju are real
222
223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5prx/insects_live_in_a_world_where_kaiju_are_real/ (fabris6)
224	%
225	Love really IS blind because, well, it's an abstract concept.
226
227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5p2r/love_really_is_blind_because_well_its_an_abstract/ (isometimesbreathe)
228	%
229	"I Hope you have the day you deserve" can be both perceived as a compliment and a threat
230
231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il5o1a/i_hope_you_have_the_day_you_deserve_can_be_both/ (Leo-bastian)
232	%
233	Third world countries get less second hand stuff thanks to recycling.
234
235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il50t9/third_world_countries_get_less_second_hand_stuff/ (littlebuster22)
236	%
237	Any real explosion with enough energy to launch a person probably has enough energy to kill a person
238
239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il3xyf/any_real_explosion_with_enough_energy_to_launch_a/ (Bag_of_plastic)
240	%
241	DNA is the original programming language.
242
243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il3wl6/dna_is_the_original_programming_language/ (snp4)
244	%
245	People who accuse others of being “snowflakes” are usually “snowflakes”I themselves.
246
247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il2wc9/people_who_accuse_others_of_being_snowflakes_are/ (aliengames666)
248	%
249	Medusa never won a staring contest
250
251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il2c9m/medusa_never_won_a_staring_contest/ (PaceNace)
252	%
253	If Pinocchio said "My nose will grow", it would create a paradox.
254
255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il1zzo/if_pinocchio_said_my_nose_will_grow_it_would/ (DankGamer135)
256	%
257	The majority of people probably have a more embarrassing calculator history than their browser history.
258
259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/il08mf/the_majority_of_people_probably_have_a_more/ (leonmaximiliano)
260	%
261	The sun is constantly setting.
262
263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikzawh/the_sun_is_constantly_setting/ (Koiboi123456789)
264	%
265	As problematic as humans are, we are always seeking new and higher level information
266
267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikyv21/as_problematic_as_humans_are_we_are_always/ (hernandi20)
268	%
269	Cheesybread with pizza is pointless. Its pizza with LESS toppings
270
271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikxige/cheesybread_with_pizza_is_pointless_its_pizza/ (w_oos_y)
272	%
273	Incomparable could also be used as an insult.
274
275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikwmk5/incomparable_could_also_be_used_as_an_insult/ (soldofpol13)
276	%
277	Data from Star Trek must have an interesting story about every single member of the Enterprise crew.
278
279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikw546/data_from_star_trek_must_have_an_interesting/ (setheb)
280	%
281	We grew up thinking a little pig eating roast beef is adorable.
282
283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikvpkk/we_grew_up_thinking_a_little_pig_eating_roast/ (farooqskariem)
284	%
285	The opposite of Gray is literally any color.
286
287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikuxmv/the_opposite_of_gray_is_literally_any_color/ (pythonbashman)
288	%
289	The only thing that stops a monster in your closet is a blanket off of Amazon
290
291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikulrj/the_only_thing_that_stops_a_monster_in_your/ (somkkeshav555)
292	%
293	The stork delivering a baby is an analogy for sex
294
295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikukp1/the_stork_delivering_a_baby_is_an_analogy_for_sex/ (deathr919)
296	%
297	There are at least six people in the world: you, me, him, her, and them.
298
299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikubpy/there_are_at_least_six_people_in_the_world_you_me/ (tomatoaway)
300	%
301	Cheeto dust is mac and cheese powder
302
303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iku5it/cheeto_dust_is_mac_and_cheese_powder/ (ultranothing)
304	%
305	Centaurs can be classified as insects because they have six legs.
306
307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iku3kw/centaurs_can_be_classified_as_insects_because/ (iballistiKitten)
308	%
309	Screwing a cat girl is still technically considered bestiality
310
311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iktlvl/screwing_a_cat_girl_is_still_technically/ (Aforklift)
312	%
313	You always find the thing you’re looking for in the last place you look
314
315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikt3qz/you_always_find_the_thing_youre_looking_for_in/ (woopstrafel)
316	%
317	PC lights are RGB but inkjet printers use Cyan, Yellow, and Pink
318
319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikrntp/pc_lights_are_rgb_but_inkjet_printers_use_cyan/ (ForensicPaints)
320	%
321	Saturdays are for the boys
322
323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikrlpz/saturdays_are_for_the_boys/ (Dumbass_Noob)
324	%
325	Loving someone for their personality is superficial because you're falling in love with them for their brain
326
327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikrlc8/loving_someone_for_their_personality_is/ (lost_packet_)
328	%
329	Freshly baked bread scented room freshener would probably be really popular.
330
331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikr6lz/freshly_baked_bread_scented_room_freshener_would/ (delly4)
332	%
333	The ocean is a giant bowl of gazpacho
334
335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikq5hs/the_ocean_is_a_giant_bowl_of_gazpacho/ (Fatdonut445)
336	%
337	Math is one of the few things where the more you learn, the more you hate it.
338
339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikpjt6/math_is_one_of_the_few_things_where_the_more_you/ (HopOnDaAlt)
340	%
341	“Drive Predictably” is better advice than “Drive Safely”
342
343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikoxjq/drive_predictably_is_better_advice_than_drive/ (BriggerGuy)
344	%
345	There are probably a lot of dinosaurs that didn’t exist because we mixed up their bones.
346
347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikodi0/there_are_probably_a_lot_of_dinosaurs_that_didnt/ (Monkeyojacko)
348	%
349	Our entire perception of the Solar System, Milky Way, and mabey the Universe, come from the fact we view north as "UP".
350
351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikmue2/our_entire_perception_of_the_solar_system_milky/ (ScruffyMonk)
352	%
353	If lawyers were allowed to cry in court we would have drastically different outcomes.
354
355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikmrh8/if_lawyers_were_allowed_to_cry_in_court_we_would/ (zombiere4)
356	%
357	the things people made are made by nature because we are made by nature and we make stuff from the nature so everything people-made is twice as organic.
358
359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikmaer/the_things_people_made_are_made_by_nature_because/ (Pasty_Foxy)
360	%
361	We're probably closer to being millionaire than Jeff Bezos.
362
363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklspo/were_probably_closer_to_being_millionaire_than/ (sahilian)
364	%
365	People want to stop school shootings, but aren't allowed to watch the columbine tapes, which clearly show how to stop shootings.
366
367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklral/people_want_to_stop_school_shootings_but_arent/ (littlebuster22)
368	%
369	The statement “All rules have exceptions” has no exceptions, making it an exception, making the statement true.
370
371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklopy/the_statement_all_rules_have_exceptions_has_no/ (LetMeSnow26)
372	%
373	Relax your face completely and keep your eyes wide open. That's what you'll look like when you're dead
374
375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklhum/relax_your_face_completely_and_keep_your_eyes/ (RenWillamette)
376	%
377	"Your phone light is on" is the new "your shoelaces are untied"
378
379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iklhnl/your_phone_light_is_on_is_the_new_your_shoelaces/ (rockstarfruitpunch)
380	%
381	Evryone who is sharing their thoughts here never had the thoughts while taking a shower
382
383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikki12/evryone_who_is_sharing_their_thoughts_here_never/ (AdityaBhattacharya)
384	%
385	Santa is proto Satan, that's why he gives bad kids coal.
386
387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk3vh/santa_is_proto_satan_thats_why_he_gives_bad_kids/ (littlebuster22)
388	%
389	You can have both a cock and a pussy despite your gender, if you choose to adopt both of these lovely animals.
390
391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk2qo/you_can_have_both_a_cock_and_a_pussy_despite_your/ (cock_pussy)
392	%
393	Santa Claus is going to have a bad day when all the ice is going to melt at the North Pole. It is going to get even worse when kids will connect the dots and start asking questions.
394
395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk2bi/santa_claus_is_going_to_have_a_bad_day_when_all/ (jhszgrgk)
396	%
397	People who have a fetish for Satan are probably going to hell.
398
399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk235/people_who_have_a_fetish_for_satan_are_probably/ (HighOn2weed)
400	%
401	Every truck is a food truck if you are a cannibal.
402
403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk0v0/every_truck_is_a_food_truck_if_you_are_a_cannibal/ (childintime9)
404	%
405	Before the internet, 'not replying because you are losing an argument' option was not available
406
407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk0d4/before_the_internet_not_replying_because_you_are/ (Clonestaar)
408	%
409	The average adult probably has a body count of at least one (directly or indirectly) just by spreading the common cold to vulnerable populations.
410
411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikk07t/the_average_adult_probably_has_a_body_count_of_at/ (yourshadowtwin)
412	%
413	You know you're an adult when kneeling down hurts like a motherfucker.
414
415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjyvz/you_know_youre_an_adult_when_kneeling_down_hurts/ (littlebuster22)
416	%
417	While, bodybuilding competitions are the masculine form of beauty pageants, the fact that they lack a talent portion is kind of sad.
418
419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjyun/while_bodybuilding_competitions_are_the_masculine/ (memeasaurus)
420	%
421	Once children learn to walk they never want to crawl again
422
423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjy66/once_children_learn_to_walk_they_never_want_to/ (StrangeDerpBoiFerret)
424	%
425	Other than onions, all vegetables can make you cry, provided they were thrown hard enough to hit you.
426
427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjwzx/other_than_onions_all_vegetables_can_make_you_cry/ (cock_pussy)
428	%
429	Scientists are adult kids just stuck in the "Why" phase.
430
431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjvdn/scientists_are_adult_kids_just_stuck_in_the_why/ (King_CurlySpoon)
432	%
433	As we move towards a cashless society the tooth fairy will go extinct.
434
435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjuub/as_we_move_towards_a_cashless_society_the_tooth/ (blah1310)
436	%
437	Horse meat is part of a stable diet.
438
439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjtht/horse_meat_is_part_of_a_stable_diet/ (littlebuster22)
440	%
441	Aren't jojo fights just competitions to see who's personality is better
442
443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjr2e/arent_jojo_fights_just_competitions_to_see_whos/ (The_Scrapper_)
444	%
445	Thanks to slot machines, virtual fruits are worth more than real ones.
446
447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjqng/thanks_to_slot_machines_virtual_fruits_are_worth/ (littlebuster22)
448	%
449	If teenagers smoke they are considered cool but if adults smoke they are considered unhealthy and broke af
450
451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjqb8/if_teenagers_smoke_they_are_considered_cool_but/ (micho_911)
452	%
453	Randomly hearing your favourite song on the radio is more satisfying than playing it directly from your phone.
454
455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjpvd/randomly_hearing_your_favourite_song_on_the_radio/ (King_CurlySpoon)
456	%
457	If it's raining aren't we under water
458
459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjpqr/if_its_raining_arent_we_under_water/ (Urmum69me)
460	%
461	Bad language describes good and natural things
462
463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjn7c/bad_language_describes_good_and_natural_things/ (PartTimeSassyPants)
464	%
465	Anybody could write an autobiography, and even if they weren't famous, it still could be interesting
466
467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjlnj/anybody_could_write_an_autobiography_and_even_if/ (Writers_On_The_Storm)
468	%
469	Unless your a famous person, you probably know the person(s) who has masterbated while thinking of you
470
471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjk3a/unless_your_a_famous_person_you_probably_know_the/ (dazzcarlos)
472	%
473	Papercuts are reverse splinters.
474
475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjilr/papercuts_are_reverse_splinters/ (littlebuster22)
476	%
477	The unfairness of the game monopoly says a lot about how our society runs
478
479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikji9c/the_unfairness_of_the_game_monopoly_says_a_lot/ (ForeignOpp2)
480	%
481	It's intriguing that when we are truly happy, we cry and when truly sad, no tears come out.
482
483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjhll/its_intriguing_that_when_we_are_truly_happy_we/ (jopndog)
484	%
485	You probably pay more attention to your own decorations than you do to other people’s
486
487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjfrs/you_probably_pay_more_attention_to_your_own/ (gobblegobble314)
488	%
489	Someone has probably thought of a revolutionary or world changing invention but brushed it off because they thought it was impossible or a silly idea.
490
491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjfgw/someone_has_probably_thought_of_a_revolutionary/ (MasterofLaws)
492	%
493	Glen Miller went missing in the 40s and his reappearance would still be less shocking than Tupac, who we know is dead.
494
495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjfc9/glen_miller_went_missing_in_the_40s_and_his/ (ijjanas123)
496	%
497	Some people just consistently and pridefully prefer to be on the wrong side of history.
498
499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjfah/some_people_just_consistently_and_pridefully/ (Imsosadsoveryverysad)
500	%
501	Not having friends is seen as bad, but independence is seen as strength.
502
503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikje6m/not_having_friends_is_seen_as_bad_but/ (littlebuster22)
504	%
505	Despite having a traumatic childhood and abusive parents, Heinz Doofenshmirtz grew to be a wonderful dad to Vanessa.
506
507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjdmz/despite_having_a_traumatic_childhood_and_abusive/ (isometimesbreathe)
508	%
509	The antonym for misogyny (the hatred/prejudice towards women) could either be misandry (hatred of men) or philogyny (love of women). And vice versa of course.
510
511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjbkk/the_antonym_for_misogyny_the_hatredprejudice/ (h8cheyejaykayelemeno)
512	%
513	We call it dry wine, even though it is wet
514
515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikjajb/we_call_it_dry_wine_even_though_it_is_wet/ (Cianonavaro)
516	%
517	A sign of getting older is that everyone you meet reminds you of someone you've met
518
519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj9hm/a_sign_of_getting_older_is_that_everyone_you_meet/ (smedsterwho)
520	%
521	Considering the human brain maintains way more than just the conscious mind, our brains are objectively smarter than ourselves.
522
523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj7kb/considering_the_human_brain_maintains_way_more/ (sinabey)
524	%
525	Toddlers find it perfectly normal to be surrounded by giants that pick them up and carry them around.
526
527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj7fv/toddlers_find_it_perfectly_normal_to_be/ (Venokris)
528	%
529	Pineapples are always depicted growing in trees.
530
531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj75p/pineapples_are_always_depicted_growing_in_trees/ (littlebuster22)
532	%
533	People tend to stare at the radio when they hear something they want to really listen to
534
535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj6f3/people_tend_to_stare_at_the_radio_when_they_hear/ (salladfingers)
536	%
537	You know you're getting old when people stop joking about you getting old.
538
539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj495/you_know_youre_getting_old_when_people_stop/ ([deleted])
540	%
541	Most people will go their entire life without microwaving something using the 4th digit on the timer
542
543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj3vj/most_people_will_go_their_entire_life_without/ (-DCPT-)
544	%
545	Dogs were probably selected to be domesticated from wolves partly by if they brought sticks to us for fire
546
547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj3n2/dogs_were_probably_selected_to_be_domesticated/ (whitecollargunrunner)
548	%
549	Ben Bocquelet forgot that gray elephant again.
550
551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj3bk/ben_bocquelet_forgot_that_gray_elephant_again/ (dfus7473)
552	%
553	Traffic jams look like chaos in slow motion.
554
555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj10k/traffic_jams_look_like_chaos_in_slow_motion/ (AsianParmAsian)
556	%
557	Deaf people aren’t afraid of ghosts
558
559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikj0op/deaf_people_arent_afraid_of_ghosts/ (ggxmembersonly)
560	%
561	Women.com is a blog site but Men.com is a porn site.
562
563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikizi9/womencom_is_a_blog_site_but_mencom_is_a_porn_site/ (Starchy_the_Potato)
564	%
565	You did something weird in someone else’s dream but they probably don’t remember.
566
567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiz4i/you_did_something_weird_in_someone_elses_dream/ (Hopper__)
568	%
569	If there was a tone of voice choice for all texts, posts, and comments, we would have a healthier society where people don’t instantly assume someone is being a jerk.
570
571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiy2s/if_there_was_a_tone_of_voice_choice_for_all_texts/ (TB12PAT)
572	%
573	Someone named arty has probably choked on an artichoke at some point in history.
574
575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikix2a/someone_named_arty_has_probably_choked_on_an/ (littlebuster22)
576	%
577	π becomes edible when it is multiplied by Euler's Number(e).
578
579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikivzm/π_becomes_edible_when_it_is_multiplied_by_eulers/ (Variety_Creepy_1303)
580	%
581	The older you get, the prospect of your sexual fantasy with a mature partner decreases to a point of absolute nothing.
582
583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikivi7/the_older_you_get_the_prospect_of_your_sexual/ (Hingehead)
584	%
585	Demolitions using explosives, if done right, are technically an implosion
586
587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikivgk/demolitions_using_explosives_if_done_right_are/ (harryputtar)
588	%
589	The animals we eat could potentially be getting us ready for a carnivorous predator to eat us.
590
591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiuwz/the_animals_we_eat_could_potentially_be_getting/ (ELITEBLITZzz)
592	%
593	The world isn't getting more corrupt. We're all just getting old enough to understand it.
594
595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikitbh/the_world_isnt_getting_more_corrupt_were_all_just/ (Zedfourkay)
596	%
597	One of the quickest things you need to figure out is how long your headphone wire is
598
599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikit46/one_of_the_quickest_things_you_need_to_figure_out/ (butterflywolves)
600	%
601	Streetlamps in video games use electricity
602
603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikisiq/streetlamps_in_video_games_use_electricity/ (MEMES4DAYZZ321)
604	%
605	We could have more than 24 hours in the day if we just make each hour shorter.
606
607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikis3j/we_could_have_more_than_24_hours_in_the_day_if_we/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
608	%
609	People with pee fetishes probably get deliberately stung by jellyfish so they can be peed on
610
611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikis0f/people_with_pee_fetishes_probably_get/ (elongated_scream)
612	%
613	In the future going through your grand parents social media will be normal.
614
615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikipkw/in_the_future_going_through_your_grand_parents/ (awan1919)
616	%
617	A camera is a natural counter to most of the defense mechanisms of wild and exotic animals.
618
619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikinbk/a_camera_is_a_natural_counter_to_most_of_the/ (rukuto)
620	%
621	tessellating 2d patterns are easy to observe, yet hard to explain.
622
623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikim1e/tessellating_2d_patterns_are_easy_to_observe_yet/ (ivthreadp110)
624	%
625	The word fuck sounds the same no matter whether 75% or 100% is said.
626
627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikilze/the_word_fuck_sounds_the_same_no_matter_whether/ (kachowski2004)
628	%
629	Hogwarts is the only school that make you join the army after you pay for tuition
630
631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikilcv/hogwarts_is_the_only_school_that_make_you_join/ (OpiumForTea)
632	%
633	Famous animals online don't even know they're famous
634
635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikikvt/famous_animals_online_dont_even_know_theyre_famous/ (UrClient)
636	%
637	The biggest mystery known to mankind is the face of the lady in Tom and Jerry.
638
639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikikc6/the_biggest_mystery_known_to_mankind_is_the_face/ (BitchyOlive)
640	%
641	If the universe was a small enough torus, people could touch themselves from any angle.
642
643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikij1l/if_the_universe_was_a_small_enough_torus_people/ (foobarbecue)
644	%
645	The better the lingerie, the faster your partner will want to remove it from you.
646
647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiinq/the_better_the_lingerie_the_faster_your_partner/ (J1Wick)
648	%
649	Car brakes in our dreams are always calibrated to Nightmare Mode.
650
651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikihzt/car_brakes_in_our_dreams_are_always_calibrated_to/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
652	%
653	There's a slight chance when we wake up with a morning wood that Succubus was having the deed with us
654
655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikihm9/theres_a_slight_chance_when_we_wake_up_with_a/ (Not_obnoxious)
656	%
657	You have won a swimming race when you were still a sperm cell.
658
659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikigpe/you_have_won_a_swimming_race_when_you_were_still/ (PaintPixelArt)
660	%
661	Drinking too much is nature's way of telling you that you're drinking too much.
662
663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikig0h/drinking_too_much_is_natures_way_of_telling_you/ (rubbernipple)
664	%
665	Street lamps in videogames use real electricity
666
667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikifw3/street_lamps_in_videogames_use_real_electricity/ (Atomicsredditaccount)
668	%
669	Cannibals probably watch people swimming in the ocean wondering how much flavour the saltwater adds
670
671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikifm4/cannibals_probably_watch_people_swimming_in_the/ (dronefishing)
672	%
673	Adults believing that kids will grow up to fix their problems has got to be one of the biggest scams in history
674
675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiey2/adults_believing_that_kids_will_grow_up_to_fix/ (vekexcelovich1984)
676	%
677	Birthing a child that looks exactly like you solves the problem of wishing you could see how other people saw you through your eyes
678
679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikietd/birthing_a_child_that_looks_exactly_like_you/ (Royal_penis_)
680	%
681	We don't remember our babyhood becuase it's a cutscene and our player skips it
682
683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikidiz/we_dont_remember_our_babyhood_becuase_its_a/ (markwastakenaswell)
684	%
685	You can criticise any establishment but you can rarely change it.
686
687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikiddz/you_can_criticise_any_establishment_but_you_can/ (lightly_salted_fetus)
688	%
689	Marge Simpson is probably really bad at limbo contests
690
691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikicqj/marge_simpson_is_probably_really_bad_at_limbo/ (_DragonBlade_)
692	%
693	If only parents would humble their pride and realize that their kids have big faiith. It’s okay to look at your kids to learn more than you think you know. Parents need to jump off the bridge and take more risks than they do. You are never too old to go after big things.
694
695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki9mx/if_only_parents_would_humble_their_pride_and/ (8Romans)
696	%
697	If cameras were invented thousands of years ago we could watch some Roman unbox some armor and shit
698
699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki6jy/if_cameras_were_invented_thousands_of_years_ago/ (N1664TR0N3000)
700	%
701	Street lamps in video games use real electricity
702
703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki62u/street_lamps_in_video_games_use_real_electricity/ (TotallyNotGameWorthy)
704	%
705	Human 3D printing already exists.
706
707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki4je/human_3d_printing_already_exists/ (zuwiboiii)
708	%
709	The opposite of “ice cold” is “gas hot.”
710
711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki15y/the_opposite_of_ice_cold_is_gas_hot/ (Vast-Intention)
712	%
713	we know the speed of light but not the speed of dark.
714
715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki0tt/we_know_the_speed_of_light_but_not_the_speed_of/ (Nessie_RT)
716	%
717	Silence is easier done than said
718
719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki0sp/silence_is_easier_done_than_said/ (dazib)
720	%
721	If you get a tattoo on your ass saying "F", whenever your partner will spank it, they will be paying respect.
722
723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iki0d8/if_you_get_a_tattoo_on_your_ass_saying_f_whenever/ (p0rnflakezzz)
724	%
725	Doubled sided pencils are more efficient since you can switch between the two
726
727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhs29/doubled_sided_pencils_are_more_efficient_since/ (Reality346)
728	%
729	When two of your friends meet from different circles it's like a cross over episode
730
731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhrg2/when_two_of_your_friends_meet_from_different/ (foejlood)
732	%
733	We probably feature a lot in our pets dreams
734
735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhqrm/we_probably_feature_a_lot_in_our_pets_dreams/ (Watchmecarry13)
736	%
737	Microwaves and dryers sound the exact same when you'll think of it
738
739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhqnr/microwaves_and_dryers_sound_the_exact_same_when/ (Jacob_crozier)
740	%
741	Everyone drinks, but not everyone drinks.
742
743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhpck/everyone_drinks_but_not_everyone_drinks/ (Vijhun)
744	%
745	In terms of strategies, you can defeat the smartest person if you use silly strategies because they tend to overestimate their opponents
746
747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhkp9/in_terms_of_strategies_you_can_defeat_the/ (afilipinoweeb)
748	%
749	YLYL channels still think are humour is people falling over,but no, if a guy said "Burger King foot lettuce" 20 people would laugh
750
751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhkfw/ylyl_channels_still_think_are_humour_is_people/ (Hapstipo)
752	%
753	When regular people have late breakfasts with alcohol we consider them bums. When rich people do it, it's a brunch.
754
755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhk2v/when_regular_people_have_late_breakfasts_with/ (Priamosish)
756	%
757	We're lucky we don't have more naturally exposed bones on our body considering how much attention and upkeep teeth require.
758
759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhjdo/were_lucky_we_dont_have_more_naturally_exposed/ (Xander_Cloud)
760	%
761	If Jeff Bezos would go to a bank and walk away with 200B in one dollar bills and lay all those bills next to each other, he would make it to the moon and back, 40 times.
762
763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhi5v/if_jeff_bezos_would_go_to_a_bank_and_walk_away/ (Casartelli)
764	%
765	Wizards never had any societal advancement because they ostracised anyone ambitious and taught them to be evil.
766
767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhhpu/wizards_never_had_any_societal_advancement/ (NerdforceHeroes)
768	%
769	Actors judge other actors on their tear ability.
770
771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhhm1/actors_judge_other_actors_on_their_tear_ability/ (hoffnutsisdope)
772	%
773	Pitbulls are only viewed dangerous, because their owners want dangerous dogs and inevitably raised them to be dangerous.
774
775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhddn/pitbulls_are_only_viewed_dangerous_because_their/ (GHQSTLY)
776	%
777	Truth taste bitter when humans chews that's why humans abhor it.
778
779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhchm/truth_taste_bitter_when_humans_chews_thats_why/ (immoleight__me)
780	%
781	You don't unlock achieves in real life as in videogames but in both you feel rewarded alike
782
783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikhc4p/you_dont_unlock_achieves_in_real_life_as_in/ (Spaceordinario)
784	%
785	A leg amputee wears a pant
786
787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikha7j/a_leg_amputee_wears_a_pant/ (ihavethebestmarriage)
788	%
789	Teeth are the only organs that are given a second chance if they fuck up
790
791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh8xr/teeth_are_the_only_organs_that_are_given_a_second/ (butterymix)
792	%
793	If every forum user tells you to google it, soon there will be no solutions to find on Google.
794
795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh6l2/if_every_forum_user_tells_you_to_google_it_soon/ (nickynoone)
796	%
797	Coca Cola is older than 2 world wars
798
799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh2oz/coca_cola_is_older_than_2_world_wars/ (Sethleoric)
800	%
801	You shouldn't be posting your own comments.
802
803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh28q/you_shouldnt_be_posting_your_own_comments/ (Jacob_crozier)
804	%
805	We like to eat chili mostly because of there defense mechanism not to be eaten.
806
807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikh0p9/we_like_to_eat_chili_mostly_because_of_there/ (Jellyhead0311)
808	%
809	Dogs in Japan know more Japanese than me.
810
811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgz00/dogs_in_japan_know_more_japanese_than_me/ (Chompyzzgone)
812	%
813	Depression feels like being the cheese touch from Diary of a Wimpy Kid
814
815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgw5g/depression_feels_like_being_the_cheese_touch_from/ (TreehouseDown)
816	%
817	Calling a painting realistic is a compliment, saying a picture looks like a painting is also a compliment.
818
819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgv4f/calling_a_painting_realistic_is_a_compliment/ (harshamfk)
820	%
821	It’s kinda selfish of your brain to make your body’s natural instinct to protect the head
822
823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgrjh/its_kinda_selfish_of_your_brain_to_make_your/ (LDPanter)
824	%
825	"Be true to yourself" can't be good advice for everyone ... certainly not if the person is a serial killer
826
827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgq2q/be_true_to_yourself_cant_be_good_advice_for/ (dvc214)
828	%
829	You can't really discribe colors
830
831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgp1h/you_cant_really_discribe_colors/ (jimavramas)
832	%
833	The opposite of assassin is dickdickout.
834
835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgngd/the_opposite_of_assassin_is_dickdickout/ (harshamfk)
836	%
837	Lights on video games use actual electricity to operate
838
839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgmg8/lights_on_video_games_use_actual_electricity_to/ ([deleted])
840	%
841	Meteors could just be space trash. That's why they're rich in minerals.
842
843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgjhu/meteors_could_just_be_space_trash_thats_why/ (zazzizaz)
844	%
845	People technically sell canned botulism
846
847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgih4/people_technically_sell_canned_botulism/ (MarxismMan69)
848	%
849	If a “double-edged sword” is something that has a good side and a bad side, then a single-edged sword is a double-edged sword
850
851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgeqr/if_a_doubleedged_sword_is_something_that_has_a/ (kimya_d)
852	%
853	When someone else’s ringtone is your alarm, it’s much easier to dismiss it.
854
855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgef4/when_someone_elses_ringtone_is_your_alarm_its/ (PhillyNow)
856	%
857	Nowadays it would probably be worth it for an animal to evolve to be cuter so humans keep them alive and help them procreate.
858
859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgdq2/nowadays_it_would_probably_be_worth_it_for_an/ (Sky-is-here)
860	%
861	Any square shaped food will look like the map of Spain at one point while you eat it.
862
863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgdka/any_square_shaped_food_will_look_like_the_map_of/ (BastianSH91)
864	%
865	We don't like animals without furr, but we humans don't have any furr.
866
867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgclm/we_dont_like_animals_without_furr_but_we_humans/ (_Lemon_Head)
868	%
869	There are no civil right violations if your citizens don't even have rights at start.
870
871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikgc0i/there_are_no_civil_right_violations_if_your/ (cock_pussy)
872	%
873	Anyone could be an accident and just have their parents lying to spare their feelings
874
875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg8v9/anyone_could_be_an_accident_and_just_have_their/ (IMMA_HAMMER)
876	%
877	No one ever visited the Health Safety website for the Wii, we always just skipped the warning
878
879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg8b9/no_one_ever_visited_the_health_safety_website_for/ (ShayaThePusheen)
880	%
881	Watching your parents have sex is literally watching a tutorial video for your own creation.
882
883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg80j/watching_your_parents_have_sex_is_literally/ (cock_pussy)
884	%
885	Egg salad is still technically chicken salad
886
887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg7yg/egg_salad_is_still_technically_chicken_salad/ (Tubamaster21474)
888	%
889	It'd be cool if some button or something was invented where if you see a car where someone had left their headlights on, you could turn them off for them so they don't come back to a drained car battery.
890
891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg38h/itd_be_cool_if_some_button_or_something_was/ (urbanphil0s0phy)
892	%
893	Sometimes bridges burn all on their own
894
895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg2cm/sometimes_bridges_burn_all_on_their_own/ (solothehero)
896	%
897	If all famous people are really smart lizard men then the story ofTrump must be an underdog story considering how buttfucking dumb he is.
898
899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg20d/if_all_famous_people_are_really_smart_lizard_men/ (Aserthreto)
900	%
901	Explosions can be measured in megatons, but you never hear about something having “gigagrams worth of explosive power,” the imperial system has explosions monopolized.
902
903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg1z9/explosions_can_be_measured_in_megatons_but_you/ ([deleted])
904	%
905	Vampires probably don't exist anymore because they have all died of STDs.
906
907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg1ju/vampires_probably_dont_exist_anymore_because_they/ (brittavondibuurt)
908	%
909	Instead of nuke threats, Kim Jong Un can actually threaten everyone by sending his nudes.
910
911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikg021/instead_of_nuke_threats_kim_jong_un_can_actually/ (cock_pussy)
912	%
913	People who despise psychics/fortune-tellers and their shit but obsessed with Zodiac signs are hypocrites
914
915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfwf6/people_who_despise_psychicsfortunetellers_and/ (rikicuriousity)
916	%
917	Tongues feel regular in your own mouth but weird in somebody else’s mouth
918
919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfvwq/tongues_feel_regular_in_your_own_mouth_but_weird/ (Leizy_)
920	%
921	One of the biggest parts of being born with type O blood is that you're never prepared for the wrath of mosquito bites.
922
923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikftyr/one_of_the_biggest_parts_of_being_born_with_type/ ([deleted])
924	%
925	Thumbs up is the universal sign for everything's good but could've very easily been the sign for up your butt.
926
927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikftdo/thumbs_up_is_the_universal_sign_for_everythings/ (Danyboi16)
928	%
929	Recent award frenzy is a good representation of how inflation works in real life.
930
931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfpsc/recent_award_frenzy_is_a_good_representation_of/ (kiraxi)
932	%
933	If you have google classroom on your phone and take it to school, you have a classroom in a phone in a classroom.
934
935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfonc/if_you_have_google_classroom_on_your_phone_and/ (Sydrailer)
936	%
937	Flat earthers think the Earth is flat though, apparently, they haven't given consideration to the other planets
938
939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfoh3/flat_earthers_think_the_earth_is_flat_though/ (rikicuriousity)
940	%
941	Pretty soon we’ll be asking, “What would AI do?”
942
943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikfnay/pretty_soon_well_be_asking_what_would_ai_do/ (david9696)
944	%
945	Someone who kills serial killers is a serial killer.
946
947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ike602/someone_who_kills_serial_killers_is_a_serial/ (PierceJames)
948	%
949	Babies who are born with disabilities due to genetical problem found on their biological parents can be technically considered as a manufacturer's default.
950
951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ike2h0/babies_who_are_born_with_disabilities_due_to/ (zzuhruf)
952	%
953	If pronouns didn’t exist, conversations would actually be interesting.
954
955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikcegf/if_pronouns_didnt_exist_conversations_would/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
956	%
957	Depressed people just need emo therapy...
958
959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikc77c/depressed_people_just_need_emo_therapy/ (mshet)
960	%
961	The litmus test for wether your an adult is wether you think adults know wtf they’re doing and have their s**t together or not
962
963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikbedk/the_litmus_test_for_wether_your_an_adult_is/ (aallen1993)
964	%
965	You're not the resistance if the media is on your side.
966
967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikawqk/youre_not_the_resistance_if_the_media_is_on_your/ (hopethisworksforeals)
968	%
969	The more hair a sweater collects the warmer it will keep you.
970
971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ikac9m/the_more_hair_a_sweater_collects_the_warmer_it/ (iamjason10)
972	%
973	the worlds best selling book started a whole relgion
974
975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ika6bb/the_worlds_best_selling_book_started_a_whole/ (mullet-man152)
976	%
977	Laughter is a truly universal language.
978
979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ika3s3/laughter_is_a_truly_universal_language/ (VintageLilly317)
980	%
981	In Cars movie universe the mechanical field and medicine field are the same
982
983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik9xyj/in_cars_movie_universe_the_mechanical_field_and/ (neo94geo)
984	%
985	Our scorch the earth cleaning mentality might cause the super bacteria which will wipe out humanity.
986
987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik8iyl/our_scorch_the_earth_cleaning_mentality_might/ (OceanSupernova)
988	%
989	There are most certainly birds that try to land on clouds and fail
990
991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik83rj/there_are_most_certainly_birds_that_try_to_land/ (sonicoduh1125)
992	%
993	If weeds were edible and delicious everyone would have a nice lawn.
994
995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik7lvi/if_weeds_were_edible_and_delicious_everyone_would/ (ReelDeadOne)
996	%
997	When you’re swimming breaststroke while being watched, you’re basically playing peekaboo
998
999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik6s2m/when_youre_swimming_breaststroke_while_being/ (AztecClient)
1000	%
1001	If farts wouldn't be invisible, less people would fart in public because everyone would know it was them.
1002
1003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik541c/if_farts_wouldnt_be_invisible_less_people_would/ (Backfisch1)
1004	%
1005	Birds bend weird all flip flap flap
1006
1007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik4zvc/birds_bend_weird_all_flip_flap_flap/ (Darth__Vader_)
1008	%
1009	If a duck swims faster than a fish, then a duck is more of a fish than a fish
1010
1011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik4lpd/if_a_duck_swims_faster_than_a_fish_then_a_duck_is/ (broe17)
1012	%
1013	You don’t need a parachute to skydive; you only need one if you want to skydive twice
1014
1015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik368j/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_skydive_you_only/ (nsfwnsfwmail)
1016	%
1017	Lightbulbs were such a good idea that they became the symbol of good ideas.
1018
1019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik22yo/lightbulbs_were_such_a_good_idea_that_they_became/ (xenox9162)
1020	%
1021	That 2021 is going to be better is simply an assumption.
1022
1023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ik0alp/that_2021_is_going_to_be_better_is_simply_an/ (vagabond61)
1024	%
1025	Hot coffee: delicious. Iced coffee: delectable. Lukewarm coffee: disgusting.
1026
1027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijz2a0/hot_coffee_delicious_iced_coffee_delectable/ (Mangacomleite)
1028	%
1029	if everything is weightless in space, theoretically you could lift anything
1030
1031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijx270/if_everything_is_weightless_in_space/ (epic-child-man)
1032	%
1033	It’s interesting that there’s no stigma against having your keys showing in a photo, even though nearly any photo of a key can be used to make a fully functional copy.
1034
1035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijtpf9/its_interesting_that_theres_no_stigma_against/ (adinrichter)
1036	%
1037	Volcanoes are made from volcanoes.
1038
1039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijtcm2/volcanoes_are_made_from_volcanoes/ (BeaconOnAChairMC)
1040	%
1041	You can literally just jump on someone’s back tomorrow, u could b explode!!!!!!....
1042
1043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijst6j/you_can_literally_just_jump_on_someones_back/ (Fredericosuavay)
1044	%
1045	If nobody ever told you how old you are, you wouldn't know.
1046
1047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijsc2y/if_nobody_ever_told_you_how_old_you_are_you/ (captain_hac0b)
1048	%
1049	The characters in movies live in a world where their movie doesn't exist and that sucks for them.
1050
1051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijrsj4/the_characters_in_movies_live_in_a_world_where/ (Killision)
1052	%
1053	Jokes are funny if we understand it after it is told. But it became less funny if you get it from someone explaining it to you.
1054
1055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijrejo/jokes_are_funny_if_we_understand_it_after_it_is/ (fluffyboiV2)
1056	%
1057	We'll block out our phone number in a pic on the Internet, but we'll put a for sale sign with our phone number in a car window and drive around town for all to see.
1058
1059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijpesg/well_block_out_our_phone_number_in_a_pic_on_the/ (michaelcmetal)
1060	%
1061	People with pens wrote "The pen is mightier than the sword"
1062
1063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijp089/people_with_pens_wrote_the_pen_is_mightier_than/ (Lamp_Sauce)
1064	%
1065	There is no one that has not felt pleasure or pain.
1066
1067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijjfcd/there_is_no_one_that_has_not_felt_pleasure_or_pain/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
1068	%
1069	Putting a restaurant in a library sounds insane but there are Starbucks in Barnes and Noble and no one finds that weird
1070
1071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijhx84/putting_a_restaurant_in_a_library_sounds_insane/ (StormOfTheVoid)
1072	%
1073	Surgery is stabbing people to life
1074
1075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijhsgr/surgery_is_stabbing_people_to_life/ (ris04)
1076	%
1077	People mustn’t have to clean the machines on a bleach factories production line.
1078
1079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijhm5i/people_mustnt_have_to_clean_the_machines_on_a/ (Van-Mckan)
1080	%
1081	Grass is the hair of the earth
1082
1083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijgv7u/grass_is_the_hair_of_the_earth/ (ThePeterpot)
1084	%
1085	real life is ten times tougher than any action movie
1086
1087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijf4ap/real_life_is_ten_times_tougher_than_any_action/ (zakuria44)
1088	%
1089	If you were born feet first you wore your mother as a hat for a bit.
1090
1091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijezi5/if_you_were_born_feet_first_you_wore_your_mother/ (Lego_Greivous)
1092	%
1093	Yawns are a form of peer pressure
1094
1095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijetg1/yawns_are_a_form_of_peer_pressure/ (Wontonio_the_ninja)
1096	%
1097	Sweden is doing just fine.
1098
1099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijczv7/sweden_is_doing_just_fine/ (illegalburnpile)
1100	%
1101	Japan must have a real problem with their population with how so many peeps get isekai-ed
1102
1103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijczti/japan_must_have_a_real_problem_with_their/ (Yogington)
1104	%
1105	All fathers that have had sex after having children are motherfuckers - before they're just fuckers.
1106
1107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijcy14/all_fathers_that_have_had_sex_after_having/ (ExplosivePusheen)
1108	%
1109	Amazon was originally the Sears Catalog
1110
1111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijcxkr/amazon_was_originally_the_sears_catalog/ (CurlyDee)
1112	%
1113	Someday your bedroom is going to belong to someone else and no trace of you will be there.
1114
1115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ijct45/someday_your_bedroom_is_going_to_belong_to/ (cyclopropagative)
1116	%
1117	Park is cruise control for 0mph
1118
1119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij93zg/park_is_cruise_control_for_0mph/ (TheFallenMessiah)
1120	%
1121	When you’re a twin, there’s people that know more about you than you actually know.
1122
1123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij8u7a/when_youre_a_twin_theres_people_that_know_more/ (TrailRunn3r47)
1124	%
1125	Wasps are always angry and would never get invited to bug birthday parties.
1126
1127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij4kv5/wasps_are_always_angry_and_would_never_get/ (justneedthreefifty)
1128	%
1129	Chadwick Boseman's Make-a-Wish wish was to fulfill Make-a-Wish wishes
1130
1131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij3w93/chadwick_bosemans_makeawish_wish_was_to_fulfill/ (SuperEnthusiastic)
1132	%
1133	Taste buds have no taste themselves
1134
1135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij1t94/taste_buds_have_no_taste_themselves/ (DrCocomo)
1136	%
1137	We don't only judge people by their looks, we also judge bugs by their looks. Most people are cool with butterflies solely because they are pretty.
1138
1139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij0nk9/we_dont_only_judge_people_by_their_looks_we_also/ (kdoughboy12)
1140	%
1141	If people lived in trees, after a while, we would evolve and grow wings.
1142
1143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ij0bqm/if_people_lived_in_trees_after_a_while_we_would/ (CentrePeace)
1144	%
1145	An undertaker who deals with death is ironically a job for life
1146
1147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iizwme/an_undertaker_who_deals_with_death_is_ironically/ (Exxtraa)
1148	%
1149	Venus flytrap is a perfect example on how a plant can commit a murder
1150
1151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iixzay/venus_flytrap_is_a_perfect_example_on_how_a_plant/ (achilles-_-23)
1152	%
1153	3 Things that no longer exist
1154
1155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iity99/3_things_that_no_longer_exist/ (gregbradypookashells)
1156	%
1157	Grief travels faster than sound but slower than light.
1158
1159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iitrc9/grief_travels_faster_than_sound_but_slower_than/ (Philosophile42)
1160	%
1161	We haven't even scratched the surface of the amount of mysteries there are
1162
1163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iisz9c/we_havent_even_scratched_the_surface_of_the/ (NightSiege1)
1164	%
1165	Disclosing classified material after saying you can tell them but then you will have to kill them results in 2 crimes, not 0 crimes.
1166
1167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iimpop/disclosing_classified_material_after_saying_you/ (buckeyespud)
1168	%
1169	The only way to survive a lot of things is to not be near them.
1170
1171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iimb8s/the_only_way_to_survive_a_lot_of_things_is_to_not/ (Barren_Jenton)
1172	%
1173	If you water water, it actually grows
1174
1175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iima5f/if_you_water_water_it_actually_grows/ (hvanos)
1176	%
1177	Society is sometimes often mostly gay and we rarely notice it
1178
1179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iild4i/society_is_sometimes_often_mostly_gay_and_we/ (afilipinoweeb)
1180	%
1181	Every Day, Someone Is Living The Happiest Day of Their Life
1182
1183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iiicvo/every_day_someone_is_living_the_happiest_day_of/ (Niltelco)
1184	%
1185	All open world games are essentially Truman shows.
1186
1187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iihp4f/all_open_world_games_are_essentially_truman_shows/ (ArcadianAries)
1188	%
1189	Tyrannosaurus Rex was not a man eater
1190
1191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iihfi9/tyrannosaurus_rex_was_not_a_man_eater/ (culingerai)
1192	%
1193	The ‘moonwalk’ is the exact opposite of how people walk on the moon
1194
1195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iigjm1/the_moonwalk_is_the_exact_opposite_of_how_people/ (TheFlame150)
1196	%
1197	There are probably kids who take Flintstones vitamins and have no idea that it was a tv show
1198
1199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iiep07/there_are_probably_kids_who_take_flintstones/ (The-Hut)
1200	%
1201	We have never heard any of the 19th century classical hits being performed by the actual artists. We only know covers.
1202
1203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iieijp/we_have_never_heard_any_of_the_19th_century/ (fulminic)
1204	%
1205	Knoppers tastes different depending on which site’s on top
1206
1207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iicx9x/knoppers_tastes_different_depending_on_which/ (Pixaa)
1208	%
1209	Tim Bergling (aka:Avicii) was the dankest man ever!
1210
1211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iicgcn/tim_bergling_akaavicii_was_the_dankest_man_ever/ (CreativSync)
1212	%
1213	Walmart Radio DJs are probably one of the most listened to DJs that nobody really knows.
1214
1215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iicc3d/walmart_radio_djs_are_probably_one_of_the_most/ (M4DM1ND)
1216	%
1217	One day, the only thing preventing Taxi's from being forgotten will be FakeTaxi.
1218
1219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iibr6g/one_day_the_only_thing_preventing_taxis_from/ (TlCTACS)
1220	%
1221	Taking candy from a baby is not an easy task.
1222
1223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iibchd/taking_candy_from_a_baby_is_not_an_easy_task/ (three_757)
1224	%
1225	A good boss doesn't make their employees hate going into work every day.
1226
1227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iiaz2f/a_good_boss_doesnt_make_their_employees_hate/ (Crash-Bash)
1228	%
1229	Beach photos always seem to look best with the tide in
1230
1231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iiauze/beach_photos_always_seem_to_look_best_with_the/ (sonickien)
1232	%
1233	We all kicked a pregnant woman once
1234
1235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iia7vs/we_all_kicked_a_pregnant_woman_once/ (laura6664)
1236	%
1237	NASA will eventually require some astronauts to have sex in space... for research
1238
1239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii838j/nasa_will_eventually_require_some_astronauts_to/ (radargunbullets)
1240	%
1241	Cashews are the shrimp of nuts
1242
1243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii6rpr/cashews_are_the_shrimp_of_nuts/ (odoms365)
1244	%
1245	As you age, the newer version of yourself is also the older version of yourself.
1246
1247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii48p6/as_you_age_the_newer_version_of_yourself_is_also/ (America_Is_Bad2004)
1248	%
1249	People who build weapons have a K/D ratio greater than 1
1250
1251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii26ly/people_who_build_weapons_have_a_kd_ratio_greater/ (DisapprovingCGull)
1252	%
1253	History classes will have more and increasingly harder lessons thousands of years into the future
1254
1255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii1qxu/history_classes_will_have_more_and_increasingly/ (Bag_of_plastic)
1256	%
1257	We have all the social media in the world yet the last thing it has become is social.
1258
1259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii1lon/we_have_all_the_social_media_in_the_world_yet_the/ (deathtoallpizzas)
1260	%
1261	If you gave a man a box and told him there was treasure in the box but if he opened it everyone else on earth would die the same day he'd proably still open it.
1262
1263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii0ba8/if_you_gave_a_man_a_box_and_told_him_there_was/ (Drelanc)
1264	%
1265	You could be immortal and you wouldn’t know it until you seen everyone you know and love die while you keep getting older and older.
1266
1267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii08aw/you_could_be_immortal_and_you_wouldnt_know_it/ (the_sexy_donut)
1268	%
1269	Somewhere along the way, they convinced us that the tissue soft enough for our noses and the tissue soft enough for our butts had to be different.
1270
1271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ii00ey/somewhere_along_the_way_they_convinced_us_that/ (meshtron)
1272	%
1273	It is impossible for Medusa to win a staring contest.
1274
1275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihzkog/it_is_impossible_for_medusa_to_win_a_staring/ (ihate-Everythingx)
1276	%
1277	People get offended by things that other people do. when those things don't even affect them.
1278
1279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihzb45/people_get_offended_by_things_that_other_people/ (Spaceordinario)
1280	%
1281	Hyenas laugh because they’re all in on an inside joke we have no idea about
1282
1283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihxhwr/hyenas_laugh_because_theyre_all_in_on_an_inside/ (Applescause27)
1284	%
1285	Spiders are The only web developers in the world that enjoy finding bugs
1286
1287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihwp7z/spiders_are_the_only_web_developers_in_the_world/ (din-dun)
1288	%
1289	Somewhere in the history of the English language, someone was perfectly fine with switching the number "0" with the letter "O" when saying numbers out loud.
1290
1291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihw9th/somewhere_in_the_history_of_the_english_language/ (Hingehead)
1292	%
1293	Scooby-Doo is practically the only cartoon that's globally renowned and enjoyed despite having a laugh track
1294
1295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihv8lk/scoobydoo_is_practically_the_only_cartoon_thats/ (Lochcelious)
1296	%
1297	Your biggest bully and enemy is the voice in your head
1298
1299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihurat/your_biggest_bully_and_enemy_is_the_voice_in_your/ (WhitePegasuss)
1300	%
1301	The problem with being single is that everyone thinks you don't wanna be single.
1302
1303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihti1s/the_problem_with_being_single_is_that_everyone/ (hillenium)
1304	%
1305	You could argue that all of our problems are third world problems, as earth is the third planet from the sun
1306
1307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihrp1s/you_could_argue_that_all_of_our_problems_are/ (DaPearOfDoom)
1308	%
1309	Insurance is something you want to have but something you never want to use
1310
1311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihrdfu/insurance_is_something_you_want_to_have_but/ (SaucyQuesadilla)
1312	%
1313	Hermione Granger was likely a curly girl but just didn't know it and kept brushing her hair dry.
1314
1315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihprmx/hermione_granger_was_likely_a_curly_girl_but_just/ (purplecurtain16)
1316	%
1317	If a snake starts eating itself, it's stomach will be inside it's stomach.
1318
1319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihpb2l/if_a_snake_starts_eating_itself_its_stomach_will/ (sahilian)
1320	%
1321	You are not straight, you just didn't suck a d**k yet
1322
1323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihoz5m/you_are_not_straight_you_just_didnt_suck_a_dk_yet/ (bullshitveteran)
1324	%
1325	There's probably a person out there who's perfect in every way for you but you'll probably never meet them.
1326
1327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihnkqq/theres_probably_a_person_out_there_whos_perfect/ (TheOneWhoIsPotato)
1328	%
1329	Most of the people who got kidnapped weren’t kids, nor were they napping
1330
1331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihne6e/most_of_the_people_who_got_kidnapped_werent_kids/ (Sir_Zero_2018)
1332	%
1333	If you stick your penis into a Venus flytrap it becomes a Venus Penistrap.
1334
1335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihmkf0/if_you_stick_your_penis_into_a_venus_flytrap_it/ (realMouse_Potato)
1336	%
1337	When you say that you agree to disagree, or you disagree to agree, both mean to disagree
1338
1339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihkvw3/when_you_say_that_you_agree_to_disagree_or_you/ (PotterMessi)
1340	%
1341	When Einstein masturbated, it was a stroke of genius
1342
1343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihkeke/when_einstein_masturbated_it_was_a_stroke_of/ (Waynenewtonsbrother)
1344	%
1345	Your close friends and family have probably seen you more than you've seen yourself
1346
1347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihk09f/your_close_friends_and_family_have_probably_seen/ (Sesilwe)
1348	%
1349	Ur ass can create 3 states of matter
1350
1351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihjf94/ur_ass_can_create_3_states_of_matter/ (Your_Depressed_Soul)
1352	%
1353	There is most likely a shipping container full of sex toys sitting at the bottom of the ocean.
1354
1355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihidiz/there_is_most_likely_a_shipping_container_full_of/ (MaldingMadman)
1356	%
1357	In a Toy Story world where objects are alive, your car keys are the most mischievous
1358
1359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihg023/in_a_toy_story_world_where_objects_are_alive_your/ (fyrflyeffect)
1360	%
1361	Light has traveled 90 million miles only to be denied to touch the Earth's surface when you block it and cast a shadow.
1362
1363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihfx7w/light_has_traveled_90_million_miles_only_to_be/ (Nav_the_gamer)
1364	%
1365	It's never specified what sweet dreams are made of.
1366
1367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihfmq8/its_never_specified_what_sweet_dreams_are_made_of/ (littlebuster22)
1368	%
1369	The protagonists of Jurassic park escaped the dinosaurs by driving, using their ancestors as fuel.
1370
1371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihedt7/the_protagonists_of_jurassic_park_escaped_the/ (littlebuster22)
1372	%
1373	Having someone else to make a decision is both considerate and inconsiderate.
1374
1375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihd5yd/having_someone_else_to_make_a_decision_is_both/ (konnichiwa12)
1376	%
1377	Teeth are the only acceptable part of the skeleton to have showing
1378
1379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihcz8d/teeth_are_the_only_acceptable_part_of_the/ (theembiggen3r)
1380	%
1381	Childhood is you throwing a tantrum to get your parents to do what you want, teenage is your parents throwing a tantrum to get you to do what they want.
1382
1383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihan04/childhood_is_you_throwing_a_tantrum_to_get_your/ (Dahuey64)
1384	%
1385	Invulnerable super hero’s have the additional benefit of never getting stung by a bee or bit by a mosquito
1386
1387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ihagg4/invulnerable_super_heros_have_the_additional/ (SipSlipperySalmonSon)
1388	%
1389	Misprinted comics and trading cards are super valuable, but misprinted money will probably be rejected as counterfeit.
1390
1391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iha3jo/misprinted_comics_and_trading_cards_are_super/ (Senseless_Chatter)
1392	%
1393	Choosing your child's name is like picking a username for someone else
1394
1395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih94y4/choosing_your_childs_name_is_like_picking_a/ (HairlessButtcrack)
1396	%
1397	The subscriber count of Pewdiepie and T-series combined is greater than the population count of most countries in the world.
1398
1399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih902l/the_subscriber_count_of_pewdiepie_and_tseries/ (Randomemeseeker)
1400	%
1401	Airpods are technologically innovative, but have a greater amount of risks.
1402
1403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih8is6/airpods_are_technologically_innovative_but_have_a/ (Caiross)
1404	%
1405	Someday when science is advanced enough, sci-fi will be considered nonfiction
1406
1407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih86qp/someday_when_science_is_advanced_enough_scifi/ (lildinger68)
1408	%
1409	Hanging someone is technically giving them vertical whiplash.
1410
1411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih7sgx/hanging_someone_is_technically_giving_them/ (Mercurial_Rhombus)
1412	%
1413	Your mind's eye only imagines it can see things.
1414
1415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih7o66/your_minds_eye_only_imagines_it_can_see_things/ (Relaxing_Cat)
1416	%
1417	You don't have to know what the answer is to know what it is not.
1418
1419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih7038/you_dont_have_to_know_what_the_answer_is_to_know/ (DrProfessor_Z)
1420	%
1421	Overhearing a spoiler can ruin your whole day. Being told a spoiler can ruin friendships
1422
1423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih5mly/overhearing_a_spoiler_can_ruin_your_whole_day/ (Trask37)
1424	%
1425	Antarctica is the whitest continent.
1426
1427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih5ftz/antarctica_is_the_whitest_continent/ (AngleDevil)
1428	%
1429	A lot of jobs are only jobs because they ARE jobs
1430
1431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih4agm/a_lot_of_jobs_are_only_jobs_because_they_are_jobs/ (Rkthe23rdst)
1432	%
1433	Not many people realize that the piano is both a percussion and stringed instrument.
1434
1435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih44ee/not_many_people_realize_that_the_piano_is_both_a/ (howareya79)
1436	%
1437	Oh wow, the water softener must be broken or something
1438
1439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih446g/oh_wow_the_water_softener_must_be_broken_or/ (2ndaccountlmao)
1440	%
1441	There’s nothing scarier, to a teenager, than letting your mom hold your phone.
1442
1443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih3q98/theres_nothing_scarier_to_a_teenager_than_letting/ (Darkshadow1819)
1444	%
1445	Santa is a mass murderer of ginger bread pepole
1446
1447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih23uk/santa_is_a_mass_murderer_of_ginger_bread_pepole/ (pipopapupupewebghost)
1448	%
1449	People who work at full service laundromats probably sniff your panties.
1450
1451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih20v9/people_who_work_at_full_service_laundromats/ (Historyteach87)
1452	%
1453	A large majority of people who are active on social media are older than social media sites themselves.
1454
1455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ih1emh/a_large_majority_of_people_who_are_active_on/ (SirMalcolmK)
1456	%
1457	Nobody looks happy when they’re jogging.
1458
1459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igze44/nobody_looks_happy_when_theyre_jogging/ (danzig1989)
1460	%
1461	Millions of bird die every year from flying into buildings. At some point, birds will be so urbanized that if you put a sparrow in the woods it would probably impale himself on a branch.
1462
1463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igp7lu/millions_of_bird_die_every_year_from_flying_into/ (CrippledBalls)
1464	%
1465	Anyone who doubts the existence of perpetual motion has never brushed a cat
1466
1467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igorxq/anyone_who_doubts_the_existence_of_perpetual/ (bankrobberskid)
1468	%
1469	Meat “Broth” is technically Meat Tea.
1470
1471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igo2nd/meat_broth_is_technically_meat_tea/ (Ibraxyl)
1472	%
1473	A giraffe getting a sore throat must be hell
1474
1475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ignj3k/a_giraffe_getting_a_sore_throat_must_be_hell/ (VocalCord)
1476	%
1477	Instead of running around the playground accusing each other of having cooties, kids are probably accusing each other of having COVIDs.
1478
1479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igmnpi/instead_of_running_around_the_playground_accusing/ (mothrasballs)
1480	%
1481	Failing to open a tub of pills gives you the same feeling as getting google captchas wrong
1482
1483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iglyas/failing_to_open_a_tub_of_pills_gives_you_the_same/ (JoeyPostsReddit)
1484	%
1485	We really are floating on a rock hurtling through outer space in a Universe that we have no idea how it came into existence.
1486
1487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iglxsw/we_really_are_floating_on_a_rock_hurtling_through/ (DarthPancakes41)
1488	%
1489	dreams are the body's screensavers
1490
1491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igk1k6/dreams_are_the_bodys_screensavers/ (isokayrn)
1492	%
1493	Going waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds like fun if you don't know what waterboarding or Guantanamo Bay is.
1494
1495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igjh2c/going_waterboarding_in_guantanamo_bay_sounds_like/ (dreaming__Girl)
1496	%
1497	While Joe fixes everything else, maybe he can finally get us switched over to the metric system
1498
1499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igjc16/while_joe_fixes_everything_else_maybe_he_can/ (madsciencetits)
1500	%
1501	At its core, Tron is an isekai.
1502
1503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igjbeo/at_its_core_tron_is_an_isekai/ (-RED4CTED-)
1504	%
1505	Throwaway accounts have been awarded more than the original accounts.
1506
1507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ighxtd/throwaway_accounts_have_been_awarded_more_than/ (Fwoym16)
1508	%
1509	If every human went vegan it would take just as much farmland to farm crops as it does to raise the animals but several times more resources to grow said crops.
1510
1511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ighw2a/if_every_human_went_vegan_it_would_take_just_as/ (Runevok)
1512	%
1513	The fact that we have experienced several once in a lifetime occurrences during our lifetime already makes me hopeful for some smooth sailing going forward.
1514
1515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igh61a/the_fact_that_we_have_experienced_several_once_in/ (hdpe125)
1516	%
1517	If laws were removed, crime rates would drop to 0%
1518
1519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iggptw/if_laws_were_removed_crime_rates_would_drop_to_0/ (Whisak)
1520	%
1521	The kindergarten teachers made you dance to Macarena but it's a song about a woman cheating on her boyfriend with two different men
1522
1523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iggkim/the_kindergarten_teachers_made_you_dance_to/ (Craftycorecreep)
1524	%
1525	they give gold watch at end of retirement. A burial plot be better
1526
1527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igfjga/they_give_gold_watch_at_end_of_retirement_a/ (109fbfknai32oak)
1528	%
1529	Because of the movie “Waterboy”, millions of people learned the chemical formula for water.
1530
1531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igfdmd/because_of_the_movie_waterboy_millions_of_people/ (arajian)
1532	%
1533	People born blind and deaf, don't dream, and might confuse sleeping with reality.
1534
1535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ige4db/people_born_blind_and_deaf_dont_dream_and_might/ (merzak-x)
1536	%
1537	There is no modifier for medium. There is no extra, super, or very medium.
1538
1539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igdkb5/there_is_no_modifier_for_medium_there_is_no_extra/ (nachoha)
1540	%
1541	The opposite of Assassin is Dickdickout
1542
1543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igd8p4/the_opposite_of_assassin_is_dickdickout/ (Imaginator127)
1544	%
1545	Giving a hug and receiving a hug are two different things
1546
1547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/igcoo2/giving_a_hug_and_receiving_a_hug_are_two/ (Mets4Ever2k)
1548	%
1549	The kids that were the most homophobic in school were also the ones trying to slap every guys ass
1550
1551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iga8kp/the_kids_that_were_the_most_homophobic_in_school/ (Pantoner)
1552	%
1553	All spoons are table spoons
1554
1555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig5qeu/all_spoons_are_table_spoons/ (Seedpound)
1556	%
1557	Every picture is a one piece puzzle.
1558
1559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig462o/every_picture_is_a_one_piece_puzzle/ (GlerGberg)
1560	%
1561	We take for granted that we were born as humans and not an insect or something.
1562
1563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig3v15/we_take_for_granted_that_we_were_born_as_humans/ (Twinkie_Corgi)
1564	%
1565	Auto correct doesn't correct you when you type in caps because it thinks your angry and doesn't want to make you even more angry
1566
1567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig323f/auto_correct_doesnt_correct_you_when_you_type_in/ (Written_byfoot)
1568	%
1569	There's always somewhere in the world where your sleep schedule works perfectly
1570
1571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ig2f3o/theres_always_somewhere_in_the_world_where_your/ (icumlies)
1572	%
1573	Swearing is healthy for the soul, it releases that sweet tension and sets someone free.
1574
1575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifzhhu/swearing_is_healthy_for_the_soul_it_releases_that/ (melalegolas)
1576	%
1577	Elephants have a build-in snorkel.
1578
1579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ify3ep/elephants_have_a_buildin_snorkel/ (SmurfPunk01)
1580	%
1581	When a shark eats a human, the human could be considered a type of seafood.
1582
1583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifxj89/when_a_shark_eats_a_human_the_human_could_be/ (Darkshadow1819)
1584	%
1585	Birds probably do more people watching than people do bird watching
1586
1587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifv3bf/birds_probably_do_more_people_watching_than/ (sumith_hebbar)
1588	%
1589	It’s a miracle that the world managed to more or less settle on one number system.
1590
1591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iftjf4/its_a_miracle_that_the_world_managed_to_more_or/ (Pifinit)
1592	%
1593	A girl saying "I don't like doing girly stuff" is considered fine while a boy saying "I don't like doing manly stuff " is judged.
1594
1595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ift4yc/a_girl_saying_i_dont_like_doing_girly_stuff_is/ (traveller_time)
1596	%
1597	Firemen are water delivery drivers
1598
1599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifs4yz/firemen_are_water_delivery_drivers/ ([deleted])
1600	%
1601	Somewhere, some maniac actually uses the extra sauce packets that came with their Chinese takeaway
1602
1603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifring/somewhere_some_maniac_actually_uses_the_extra/ (TitShark)
1604	%
1605	If you wear your shirt inside out everyone else is wearing your shirt.
1606
1607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifqlgs/if_you_wear_your_shirt_inside_out_everyone_else/ (Dorecio)
1608	%
1609	Rick Astly rick rolled himself when he made the song
1610
1611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifq69d/rick_astly_rick_rolled_himself_when_he_made_the/ (BigManFamBruvTing)
1612	%
1613	You never truly forget something, you just lose the trigger that causes you to think about it
1614
1615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifpupp/you_never_truly_forget_something_you_just_lose/ (Roofy45)
1616	%
1617	Peeing without holding your penis is hip firing.
1618
1619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifpa4t/peeing_without_holding_your_penis_is_hip_firing/ (eladamir1010)
1620	%
1621	The word "literally" is used more in metaphorical than literal.
1622
1623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifny21/the_word_literally_is_used_more_in_metaphorical/ (Thirdly03)
1624	%
1625	Jeans are considered “casual wear” but the most uncomfortable garment to sleep in.
1626
1627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifkfkl/jeans_are_considered_casual_wear_but_the_most/ (hausubbnozes)
1628	%
1629	There is one man on earth that knows more about toilets than any other man, and he probably knows it too
1630
1631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifiyfn/there_is_one_man_on_earth_that_knows_more_about/ (Miner8012)
1632	%
1633	Calling it "1% milk" seemed more enticing than "99% milk" to a while industry trying to sell more milk.
1634
1635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifgmgn/calling_it_1_milk_seemed_more_enticing_than_99/ (HungryForShit)
1636	%
1637	Handball is both a sport and a foul in a sport
1638
1639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifft1k/handball_is_both_a_sport_and_a_foul_in_a_sport/ (FriezaAndHoushi)
1640	%
1641	Life is so short. Except for when you can't escape the person that makes your life miserable.
1642
1643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iffjcb/life_is_so_short_except_for_when_you_cant_escape/ (8B3B383B)
1644	%
1645	A 17 years old can't vibe with a 13 years old but a 21 years old can vibe with a 17 years old perfectly although they have the same age gap.
1646
1647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ife65h/a_17_years_old_cant_vibe_with_a_13_years_old_but/ (Yuvxraj)
1648	%
1649	You were once the youngest person alive.
1650
1651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ife2fx/you_were_once_the_youngest_person_alive/ (NotEvenRare)
1652	%
1653	In Monster Hunter World, the only monster is you and maybe Vespoid.
1654
1655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifdbqm/in_monster_hunter_world_the_only_monster_is_you/ (bcook5)
1656	%
1657	The efforts of the past shall be judged by the final result.
1658
1659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifbqy7/the_efforts_of_the_past_shall_be_judged_by_the/ (YZXFILE)
1660	%
1661	Drumming is throwing a tantrum in style.
1662
1663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifbfhe/drumming_is_throwing_a_tantrum_in_style/ (ivlark)
1664	%
1665	Any bag is a trash bag if you fill it with trash
1666
1667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ifb0yx/any_bag_is_a_trash_bag_if_you_fill_it_with_trash/ (lukebomb3)
1668	%
1669	If studios market a movie as 'Adam Sandler's/Nic Cage's Worst Film Yet!', it would probably make bank
1670
1671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if9onk/if_studios_market_a_movie_as_adam_sandlersnic/ (OzamandiasSy)
1672	%
1673	Bread has already been toasted when you buy it
1674
1675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if9nip/bread_has_already_been_toasted_when_you_buy_it/ (AlwaysTheNoob)
1676	%
1677	We are star dust.
1678
1679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if93nl/we_are_star_dust/ (SuperNovaAHCK2810)
1680	%
1681	A theme park can take a crystal clear picture of you at 70 mph on a rollercoaster but a bank security camera can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still
1682
1683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if8xdb/a_theme_park_can_take_a_crystal_clear_picture_of/ (buffafboii)
1684	%
1685	Someone out there has been hornier than anyone else in human history.
1686
1687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if8ste/someone_out_there_has_been_hornier_than_anyone/ (Christoff_Gaymore)
1688	%
1689	Superheros would b better with accents
1690
1691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if8d4y/superheros_would_b_better_with_accents/ (justneedthreefifty)
1692	%
1693	You can't spell 'disappointment' without 'ointment'
1694
1695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if7ukl/you_cant_spell_disappointment_without_ointment/ (zion2674)
1696	%
1697	Gen Z will never understand how big Jamie Lynn Spears's 2007 pregnancy announcement was.
1698
1699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if6fgy/gen_z_will_never_understand_how_big_jamie_lynn/ (lifesizedmap)
1700	%
1701	Boomers consider Gen Z stupid & Gen Z consider boomers stupid and nobody knows what are millennials up to.
1702
1703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if5nj5/boomers_consider_gen_z_stupid_gen_z_consider/ (2T4J)
1704	%
1705	Your butthole has the least UV exposure out of your whole body
1706
1707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if3vgo/your_butthole_has_the_least_uv_exposure_out_of/ (tobleroney69)
1708	%
1709	If nobody knows all the digits of π, we can’t be sure it is infinite
1710
1711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if3k9f/if_nobody_knows_all_the_digits_of_π_we_cant_be/ (HockieFan41)
1712	%
1713	Someone was like "Dinasours roared and had green and purple skin" and it is know globally accepted
1714
1715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/if2zx6/someone_was_like_dinasours_roared_and_had_green/ (circonfl3x)
1716	%
1717	A game is good when you don’t look at your phone in cutscenes
1718
1719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iezl1l/a_game_is_good_when_you_dont_look_at_your_phone/ (awesomehuder)
1720	%
1721	I've never had a post make it past auto mod
1722
1723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iexltx/ive_never_had_a_post_make_it_past_auto_mod/ (The_Terrific)
1724	%
1725	Nobody likes people who record videos vertically or who record and post a video of a video playing on their TV.
1726
1727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iewh00/nobody_likes_people_who_record_videos_vertically/ (PreparedForAnalSex)
1728	%
1729	Entropy is constantly consistent.
1730
1731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieuk5d/entropy_is_constantly_consistent/ (slayedzombie69)
1732	%
1733	You realize it's too late to adjust your life choices when people like your physician / lawyer / a police officer have the same age as you.
1734
1735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ietr2e/you_realize_its_too_late_to_adjust_your_life/ (Hustlinbones)
1736	%
1737	Our eyes are never really closed. Just the eye lid.
1738
1739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ietoff/our_eyes_are_never_really_closed_just_the_eye_lid/ (gsharp29)
1740	%
1741	Chances are you share the same birthday as some who is less than 5 miles away from you.
1742
1743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ietlmi/chances_are_you_share_the_same_birthday_as_some/ (Gary_October)
1744	%
1745	Ghost movies must have the smallest budgets.
1746
1747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iet54c/ghost_movies_must_have_the_smallest_budgets/ (foudesoif)
1748	%
1749	Covid has made picking your nose in public even more socially unacceptable.
1750
1751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iesvox/covid_has_made_picking_your_nose_in_public_even/ (Foliage1)
1752	%
1753	In vampire movies they can only come out during the night because sunlight burns them, but the moon has no light of its own, it's just reflected sunlight
1754
1755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ies0aj/in_vampire_movies_they_can_only_come_out_during/ (PigeonPenGaming)
1756	%
1757	The air pollution in the Cars universe must be astronomical
1758
1759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ierg10/the_air_pollution_in_the_cars_universe_must_be/ (AndeanRock)
1760	%
1761	Super Natural and Supernatural are exact opposites.
1762
1763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iercbb/super_natural_and_supernatural_are_exact_opposites/ (GabrielGaryLutz)
1764	%
1765	If you're under 18 and have had a dream about having sex, you have unknowingly watched child porn.
1766
1767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iepsmn/if_youre_under_18_and_have_had_a_dream_about/ (dsdd1373)
1768	%
1769	Thanks to the coin flip, George Washington is still making decisions for us.
1770
1771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iepn99/thanks_to_the_coin_flip_george_washington_is/ (Gary_October)
1772	%
1773	If tomatoes are fruits then ketchup is juice.
1774
1775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iepl1j/if_tomatoes_are_fruits_then_ketchup_is_juice/ (JoaquimPedro201)
1776	%
1777	Someday in the future when we have fully self-driving cars car ads wont need people to drive them around all cool-like.
1778
1779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iepjiz/someday_in_the_future_when_we_have_fully/ (Bacon260998_)
1780	%
1781	It is completely impossible to touch with your one hand the other hand without simultaneously the other hand touching the first one
1782
1783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iep309/it_is_completely_impossible_to_touch_with_your/ (CheesecakePleasant)
1784	%
1785	You’ve probably never been the only one in the world to blink at that exact moment.
1786
1787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieoktd/youve_probably_never_been_the_only_one_in_the/ (markkaschak)
1788	%
1789	If it smells good, run.
1790
1791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iemnxs/if_it_smells_good_run/ (Gary_October)
1792	%
1793	It's hard to find a hobby when you don't enjoy anything
1794
1795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iellbe/its_hard_to_find_a_hobby_when_you_dont_enjoy/ (Buckeye_CFB)
1796	%
1797	the ass can produce all the 3 states of matter
1798
1799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieknqj/the_ass_can_produce_all_the_3_states_of_matter/ (sheaib)
1800	%
1801	Tequila Sunrise Is A Breakfast Apéritif
1802
1803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iek2k9/tequila_sunrise_is_a_breakfast_apéritif/ (World-Tight)
1804	%
1805	If we really tried we could become a nocturnal society.
1806
1807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iejqaa/if_we_really_tried_we_could_become_a_nocturnal/ (tysmily)
1808	%
1809	A 40y/o drinking cows milk is normal, but a 40y/o drinking breast milk is weird.
1810
1811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieivv3/a_40yo_drinking_cows_milk_is_normal_but_a_40yo/ (House-Elfje)
1812	%
1813	If The Terminator has an erection, can we call it " Metal Gear Solid " ?
1814
1815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iehxzt/if_the_terminator_has_an_erection_can_we_call_it/ (FLUX-2)
1816	%
1817	You only know the date of your birth, and consequently your age, because someone told you
1818
1819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iehbwl/you_only_know_the_date_of_your_birth_and/ (DroP90)
1820	%
1821	Minority groups aren't considered minority groups until they're large enough.
1822
1823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieh732/minority_groups_arent_considered_minority_groups/ (SnoWFLakE02)
1824	%
1825	Ironically, "shorter" is longer than "longer".
1826
1827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ieh2dq/ironically_shorter_is_longer_than_longer/ (256Moin256)
1828	%
1829	There's no reason for the alphabet to be in order
1830
1831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iefthd/theres_no_reason_for_the_alphabet_to_be_in_order/ (elephantgobrrrbrrr)
1832	%
1833	We could have named the stars after every people live and lived on earth but we didn't.
1834
1835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iefn8m/we_could_have_named_the_stars_after_every_people/ (Anencephalous_Klutz_)
1836	%
1837	It is very strange that no astronomer has ever found a big celestial body and just named it "Your Mom"
1838
1839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iefeu2/it_is_very_strange_that_no_astronomer_has_ever/ (Tchakaba)
1840	%
1841	An ass can produce all three states of matter.
1842
1843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iec69z/an_ass_can_produce_all_three_states_of_matter/ (sabasaba12)
1844	%
1845	Cement and glasses are made of sand so basically you're living in a sandhouse.
1846
1847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iebu3w/cement_and_glasses_are_made_of_sand_so_basically/ (SCP_Agent_No69)
1848	%
1849	Dogs get more physical affection than men do.
1850
1851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie95i0/dogs_get_more_physical_affection_than_men_do/ (MrFolgers69420)
1852	%
1853	Furry's are cosplaying entities that only exist in their head.
1854
1855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie953m/furrys_are_cosplaying_entities_that_only_exist_in/ (TotallyBrandNewName)
1856	%
1857	Wonder what it be like to swap place with your mirror self.
1858
1859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie875b/wonder_what_it_be_like_to_swap_place_with_your/ (Grandcanyon19)
1860	%
1861	You can see the racial split in our society on white supremacists. Not because they exist, but because there are no popular black supremacists.
1862
1863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie7u5q/you_can_see_the_racial_split_in_our_society_on/ (ThaReehlEza)
1864	%
1865	Someone holds the record for longest distance scrolled online
1866
1867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie5ott/someone_holds_the_record_for_longest_distance/ (whicketywack)
1868	%
1869	cannibal corpse is another way of saying zombie
1870
1871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie4pck/cannibal_corpse_is_another_way_of_saying_zombie/ (KrakenTaken)
1872	%
1873	Since sexual content isn't allowed on YouTube unless it's education you should the porn you upload how to have sex.
1874
1875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie4lgr/since_sexual_content_isnt_allowed_on_youtube/ (Aloe2Vera)
1876	%
1877	You only notice when someone is left handed
1878
1879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie3x1z/you_only_notice_when_someone_is_left_handed/ (inthe_midbleakwinter)
1880	%
1881	The blood in our bodies has been in us since birth
1882
1883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie3mf2/the_blood_in_our_bodies_has_been_in_us_since_birth/ (Reddic1)
1884	%
1885	In the next few years, an entire generation could witness their first assassination of a high power public figure
1886
1887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie202y/in_the_next_few_years_an_entire_generation_could/ (dan_fitz21)
1888	%
1889	There is never a definitive answer to a question.
1890
1891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ie06eq/there_is_never_a_definitive_answer_to_a_question/ (Yozhur)
1892	%
1893	Falling in love in a dream is such a crushing feeling after
1894
1895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idyknf/falling_in_love_in_a_dream_is_such_a_crushing/ (NightRaven1122)
1896	%
1897	King Kong a simp for sacrificing himself for a woman he can't even fuck
1898
1899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idu8zx/king_kong_a_simp_for_sacrificing_himself_for_a/ (nisetracker)
1900	%
1901	If you water water it grows
1902
1903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idremv/if_you_water_water_it_grows/ (CHATTY-ON-DURACELL)
1904	%
1905	Life gives melons to the dyslexic.
1906
1907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idquyu/life_gives_melons_to_the_dyslexic/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
1908	%
1909	We encourage little kids to blow on dandelions to make a wish.
1910
1911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idq0fo/we_encourage_little_kids_to_blow_on_dandelions_to/ (LifeofSteven)
1912	%
1913	There is absolutely no point or reason for the alphabet to be in order.
1914
1915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idofpn/there_is_absolutely_no_point_or_reason_for_the/ (_Neel__)
1916	%
1917	Liechtenstein claims to be an independent country when it's really nothing but another Canton of Switzerland.
1918
1919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idndcx/liechtenstein_claims_to_be_an_independent_country/ (Oden_Bitterblight)
1920	%
1921	We are so damn lucky that water is zero calories.
1922
1923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idlgnn/we_are_so_damn_lucky_that_water_is_zero_calories/ (DonaldRogerCantKnow)
1924	%
1925	Somewhere out there, there’s a boy/girl who just made up the greatest plot idea. But they don’t have the skills or resources to bring it to life
1926
1927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idjtpp/somewhere_out_there_theres_a_boygirl_who_just/ (DredgenDon)
1928	%
1929	Tribute to our ancestors who have died so our digestive system evolved so it can digest alcohol
1930
1931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idjjgm/tribute_to_our_ancestors_who_have_died_so_our/ (RedStarRazi)
1932	%
1933	Pizza is an open faced cheese and sauce sandwich
1934
1935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idioat/pizza_is_an_open_faced_cheese_and_sauce_sandwich/ (Tripinflip)
1936	%
1937	The more Holy Water you drink, the more likely it gets for a vampire to die from peeing on him
1938
1939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idgrqq/the_more_holy_water_you_drink_the_more_likely_it/ (epicmemes69420)
1940	%
1941	It’s more common to avoid a link because you suspect it’s a Rickroll than out of concern for your cyber safety.
1942
1943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idgae1/its_more_common_to_avoid_a_link_because_you/ (foshowdoe)
1944	%
1945	the number of bisexual men is comparable to the number of gay men but not as visible and also comparable to the number of bisexual women which is more visible
1946
1947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idfj2d/the_number_of_bisexual_men_is_comparable_to_the/ (juayme)
1948	%
1949	Technically every game that costs money is pay-to-win.
1950
1951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idet5u/technically_every_game_that_costs_money_is/ (Surely_Stupid)
1952	%
1953	People can be sweet, sour, bitter, or salty, but they can only be unsavory.
1954
1955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/idel0q/people_can_be_sweet_sour_bitter_or_salty_but_they/ (hare_in_a_suit)
1956	%
1957	Our first experience with jumpscares was when we played with jack in the boxes
1958
1959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id6kvc/our_first_experience_with_jumpscares_was_when_we/ (QuiteEgregious)
1960	%
1961	If everybody in the whole country wrote Obama or Bush in via write in voting. Would they become president for a third term?
1962
1963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id64gw/if_everybody_in_the_whole_country_wrote_obama_or/ (OneLittleVictory2112)
1964	%
1965	A web browser is a person and a thing.
1966
1967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id5t5b/a_web_browser_is_a_person_and_a_thing/ (graysonscale)
1968	%
1969	Before going to the dentist we scrub our mouths till it hurts but when someone wants to randomly make out and literally lick our mouths we are ok with that
1970
1971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id5rkj/before_going_to_the_dentist_we_scrub_our_mouths/ (chefkc)
1972	%
1973	Every dog is either a bitch or a son a bitch.
1974
1975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id57sb/every_dog_is_either_a_bitch_or_a_son_a_bitch/ (ICantThinkOfAUsertag)
1976	%
1977	Surgeons stab people to life.
1978
1979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id4o6t/surgeons_stab_people_to_life/ (sullyj725)
1980	%
1981	When you're writing something that's long, it feels like it's gonna turn out way longer than it actually is, but you only realise it after you've written it
1982
1983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id45yj/when_youre_writing_something_thats_long_it_feels/ (Unkn4wn)
1984	%
1985	The zombies in plants vs zombies are the only known omnivorous zombies that we know.
1986
1987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id3f52/the_zombies_in_plants_vs_zombies_are_the_only/ (N0BL3YT)
1988	%
1989	singularity theory but applied to evolution
1990
1991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id3ckk/singularity_theory_but_applied_to_evolution/ (hyperviolentpacifist)
1992	%
1993	People are really weird about giving out their phone numbers but freely give social media handles which is way more invasive.
1994
1995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id1ym3/people_are_really_weird_about_giving_out_their/ (LesbostarClitlactica)
1996	%
1997	Earthworm Jim maybe just went by Jim amongst close friends.
1998
1999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id1rh3/earthworm_jim_maybe_just_went_by_jim_amongst/ (GratefulD86)
2000	%
2001	You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
2002
2003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/id1ofo/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_go_skydiving_you/ (nightfury41v)
2004	%
2005	You don't want to be eaten a raw food cannibal
2006
2007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icy2b7/you_dont_want_to_be_eaten_a_raw_food_cannibal/ (moneybot13)
2008	%
2009	Being close to death is scarier than certain death
2010
2011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icwo8q/being_close_to_death_is_scarier_than_certain_death/ (JimGr2210)
2012	%
2013	Jeff Kinney made millions of dollars off of people who hate reading
2014
2015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icwdl1/jeff_kinney_made_millions_of_dollars_off_of/ (TheKingGamer777)
2016	%
2017	The E in her is silent.
2018
2019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icwc35/the_e_in_her_is_silent/ (poppers-penguins)
2020	%
2021	The youngest picture of you is the oldest picture of you
2022
2023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icv4y9/the_youngest_picture_of_you_is_the_oldest_picture/ (gamer552233)
2024	%
2025	You can avoid prison for killing a person but you can go to prison for consuming a mushroom from your backyard
2026
2027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ictmsl/you_can_avoid_prison_for_killing_a_person_but_you/ (sachku)
2028	%
2029	Everything is easier said than done
2030
2031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icsyfj/everything_is_easier_said_than_done/ (Ender_assassin6)
2032	%
2033	If Ron Artest were still playing in the NBA, he could have "World Peace" both above and below the number on the back of his jersey
2034
2035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icrn95/if_ron_artest_were_still_playing_in_the_nba_he/ (IJusHerSoIDntGetFind)
2036	%
2037	Forest fires instantly become barbecues when someone or an animal gets cooked by the fire
2038
2039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icplov/forest_fires_instantly_become_barbecues_when/ (dankpenguin69)
2040	%
2041	You never saw a perfect circle.
2042
2043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icpflp/you_never_saw_a_perfect_circle/ (BatimadosAnos60)
2044	%
2045	Everyone can read minds except for you.
2046
2047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icoxzt/everyone_can_read_minds_except_for_you/ (CaptainLeproz)
2048	%
2049	The word period has more impact than an actual period.
2050
2051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icmp9j/the_word_period_has_more_impact_than_an_actual/ (DarthVon)
2052	%
2053	Pandas are black, white and asian.
2054
2055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icjhh0/pandas_are_black_white_and_asian/ (ASwedeInNeed)
2056	%
2057	If you wake up sweating, you were likely distressed in your sleep.
2058
2059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icjcy0/if_you_wake_up_sweating_you_were_likely/ (MaxedOutGames)
2060	%
2061	Everyone is overworked, yet so many unemployed...
2062
2063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ichagr/everyone_is_overworked_yet_so_many_unemployed/ (rosewaterlipsxoxo)
2064	%
2065	There are probably more adults that play with RC cars than children.
2066
2067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icgwsy/there_are_probably_more_adults_that_play_with_rc/ (_ephraim_)
2068	%
2069	Most People Probably Haven't Been 100m Away From Another Human Being Before
2070
2071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icgsni/most_people_probably_havent_been_100m_away_from/ (Investor1101)
2072	%
2073	Taking a long bike ride is a surprisingly effective way for a man to discover the elastic on his underwear has failed.
2074
2075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iccxlh/taking_a_long_bike_ride_is_a_surprisingly/ (LordRupertEverton84)
2076	%
2077	What if a fire got so out of control it burned an entire continent. No one lives; nothing is left.
2078
2079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icciaj/what_if_a_fire_got_so_out_of_control_it_burned_an/ (stinkbutt_88)
2080	%
2081	You have cells in your assole, and you have cells that are your asshole
2082
2083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icamvl/you_have_cells_in_your_assole_and_you_have_cells/ (Luigihiji)
2084	%
2085	Bitcoin isn't about money but replacing money.
2086
2087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/icagj4/bitcoin_isnt_about_money_but_replacing_money/ (Maciokan)
2088	%
2089	if it's "mom" and "mother", why is it "dad" and "father" and not "dad" and "dather?"
2090
2091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic96qi/if_its_mom_and_mother_why_is_it_dad_and_father/ (HauntingCourt6)
2092	%
2093	You have never seem deaf people argue
2094
2095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic92ky/you_have_never_seem_deaf_people_argue/ (sadcactus123)
2096	%
2097	Being told "you're wrong" when you're right is absolutely infuriating
2098
2099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic7yhr/being_told_youre_wrong_when_youre_right_is/ (Rouge_Robot)
2100	%
2101	Some people grow wiser with age. Many more just grow old.
2102
2103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic6mbg/some_people_grow_wiser_with_age_many_more_just/ (HiddenKittenPounce)
2104	%
2105	A clever pickup line is only as cute as the person who delivers it.
2106
2107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic4uf2/a_clever_pickup_line_is_only_as_cute_as_the/ (Happy_Each_Day)
2108	%
2109	You don’t only suffer from missing the person that’s no longer around. You also suffer from missing the version of “you” that existed in their presence.
2110
2111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic3lc3/you_dont_only_suffer_from_missing_the_person/ (MCA2142)
2112	%
2113	Having your jaw open takes up more energy then having it closed.
2114
2115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic3e6q/having_your_jaw_open_takes_up_more_energy_then/ (CaptainTommy0306)
2116	%
2117	There's a reason Id is the first part of idiot
2118
2119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic2l3e/theres_a_reason_id_is_the_first_part_of_idiot/ (PanickedPoodle)
2120	%
2121	In almost every Hollywood movie, New York City always gets destroyed first.
2122
2123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic2kfr/in_almost_every_hollywood_movie_new_york_city/ (Beginnerer)
2124	%
2125	Hundreads of thousands of Belarussians protesting rn. Many arrested and beaten by unprovoked Police attacks. Not a single shop looted.
2126
2127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ic0j18/hundreads_of_thousands_of_belarussians_protesting/ (Novik91)
2128	%
2129	Considering most cats live to maximum 15-16 years, 9 cat lives isn’t that much longer than a single human life.
2130
2131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibyn9d/considering_most_cats_live_to_maximum_1516_years/ (euan3704)
2132	%
2133	"Fuck" is a really versatile swear word
2134
2135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibxfh9/fuck_is_a_really_versatile_swear_word/ (getrektlolkek)
2136	%
2137	On our sphere planet, if you keep going north you'll eventually start to go south. But if you continually go west you'll just keep going west.
2138
2139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibwmxb/on_our_sphere_planet_if_you_keep_going_north/ (MrAVAT4R)
2140	%
2141	We are the survivor
2142
2143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibvxh4/we_are_the_survivor/ (am-a-sloth-and-weeb)
2144	%
2145	The biggest failed assumption of modern times is that the more you present people with information, the more informed they are
2146
2147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibtztd/the_biggest_failed_assumption_of_modern_times_is/ (rumborak)
2148	%
2149	No one knows if a star is already born or died
2150
2151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibtobo/no_one_knows_if_a_star_is_already_born_or_died/ (cadagricomiguel)
2152	%
2153	Switching "your" side of the bed for a partner is an act of true love
2154
2155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibte6o/switching_your_side_of_the_bed_for_a_partner_is/ (CivilServiced)
2156	%
2157	Technically, your birth certificate has an expiration date.
2158
2159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibrq8d/technically_your_birth_certificate_has_an/ (SirAlpacaOfficial)
2160	%
2161	Girl Scouts is literally the greatest pyramid scheme in human history.
2162
2163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibq5v7/girl_scouts_is_literally_the_greatest_pyramid/ (PredatoryCat)
2164	%
2165	When a pregnant woman swims she becomes a human submarine
2166
2167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibpqts/when_a_pregnant_woman_swims_she_becomes_a_human/ (CHATTY-ON-DURACELL)
2168	%
2169	Locks have an equal, if not more, offensive uses as defensive uses
2170
2171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibpac3/locks_have_an_equal_if_not_more_offensive_uses_as/ (lockedssss)
2172	%
2173	You are your dog's emotional support human.
2174
2175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iboalw/you_are_your_dogs_emotional_support_human/ (Kabullyaw)
2176	%
2177	You would never know if this will be the last time your read this post.
2178
2179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibna2p/you_would_never_know_if_this_will_be_the_last/ (HaveYouMetThisDude)
2180	%
2181	Everyone needs to sing the alphabet from the start to know the next letter, but no one needs to start counting from 0 to know the next number
2182
2183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibm5ql/everyone_needs_to_sing_the_alphabet_from_the/ (That-Dutch-Person)
2184	%
2185	Many people could be swayed to the dark side with very little convincing. Please try to set a good example.
2186
2187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iblqcu/many_people_could_be_swayed_to_the_dark_side_with/ (ThatGuy___YouKnow)
2188	%
2189	Most people think t-rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead.
2190
2191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibl5y5/most_people_think_trexes_cant_clap_because_they/ (EggEggEggEggOWO)
2192	%
2193	If teeth are a part of our skeleton, and we use toothpaste to clean our teeth, we could have a pearly white skeleton if we covered it in toothpaste and cleaned it.
2194
2195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibkvcj/if_teeth_are_a_part_of_our_skeleton_and_we_use/ (WhatToPutHereLol)
2196	%
2197	If Pinocchio told everyone his nose grows when he tells the truth, everyone would believe him, even though he is lying
2198
2199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibjvxy/if_pinocchio_told_everyone_his_nose_grows_when_he/ (BrotherZ1ox)
2200	%
2201	If two mind readers read each other’s thoughts, whose thoughts are they actually reading
2202
2203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibjrn3/if_two_mind_readers_read_each_others_thoughts/ (clashvalley)
2204	%
2205	If you are a slow driver there is a “right “ lane for you. Use it
2206
2207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibjrkp/if_you_are_a_slow_driver_there_is_a_right_lane/ (K-88)
2208	%
2209	We are the nerds of the animal kingdom.
2210
2211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibi5eu/we_are_the_nerds_of_the_animal_kingdom/ (MissRedShoes1939)
2212	%
2213	When someone is drinking a beer, both that person and the beer are getting drunk
2214
2215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibhuu4/when_someone_is_drinking_a_beer_both_that_person/ (chinnick967)
2216	%
2217	Someone out there probably saved the world without even realising.
2218
2219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibdrsa/someone_out_there_probably_saved_the_world/ (ZeeZeeChen)
2220	%
2221	You'll be sadder if you know more about our world
2222
2223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibdjdr/youll_be_sadder_if_you_know_more_about_our_world/ (Nastynoob3)
2224	%
2225	heterosexuality is the default
2226
2227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ibahmx/heterosexuality_is_the_default/ (Knight_GTC)
2228	%
2229	Most humans would agree that putting a hook in someones mouth would horribe but if it were to happen to a fish then its ok.
2230
2231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib8rxd/most_humans_would_agree_that_putting_a_hook_in/ (Valium_Tino)
2232	%
2233	Hannah Montana shouldn’t sing about having a double life if she wants to keep her identity a secret.
2234
2235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib8evx/hannah_montana_shouldnt_sing_about_having_a/ (helm_hammer_hand)
2236	%
2237	You ignore or stop your first alarm of the day
2238
2239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib7uyl/you_ignore_or_stop_your_first_alarm_of_the_day/ (5ylvanJ)
2240	%
2241	An easy way to make people upset while driving is to go the speed limit.
2242
2243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib51x2/an_easy_way_to_make_people_upset_while_driving_is/ (DelugeSigma)
2244	%
2245	When you are in the womb, you are wearing your parent.
2246
2247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib3ra6/when_you_are_in_the_womb_you_are_wearing_your/ (Quackels_The_Duck)
2248	%
2249	Prior to the internet, the search for free porn was conducted in the woods
2250
2251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib2ob7/prior_to_the_internet_the_search_for_free_porn/ (S_A_R_K)
2252	%
2253	in porn we get amused for the story and in movies for sex
2254
2255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib0uo3/in_porn_we_get_amused_for_the_story_and_in_movies/ (nasytasy)
2256	%
2257	Sexual assault victims who come forward don't 'ruin' their assaulter's reputation. They correct it.
2258
2259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ib0cm8/sexual_assault_victims_who_come_forward_dont_ruin/ (TheViciousKoala)
2260	%
2261	There's no difference between saying you're 'up' for something or 'down' for something
2262
2263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iazupe/theres_no_difference_between_saying_youre_up_for/ (HiImNickOk)
2264	%
2265	You never see ads for ad block
2266
2267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaz76e/you_never_see_ads_for_ad_block/ (soccer11k)
2268	%
2269	The brain is the bossiest organ in the universe.
2270
2271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaysl7/the_brain_is_the_bossiest_organ_in_the_universe/ (Prof_IdiotFace)
2272	%
2273	Alarms makes you angry whether it works or not
2274
2275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iayjfv/alarms_makes_you_angry_whether_it_works_or_not/ (koenboy12)
2276	%
2277	Cat's we're vampires in the previous life and that's why they are so surprised of seeing themselves in mirrors
2278
2279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaxee5/cats_were_vampires_in_the_previous_life_and_thats/ (Franceseye)
2280	%
2281	Diarrhea is bad, but it's especially bad if you're a pilot.
2282
2283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iavyd2/diarrhea_is_bad_but_its_especially_bad_if_youre_a/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
2284	%
2285	It must’ve been really easy for Elastigirl to give birth.
2286
2287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iavx9q/it_mustve_been_really_easy_for_elastigirl_to_give/ (Iwanttobeanactor1)
2288	%
2289	Whoever decided to make videos pause when headphones are unplugged has saved many men
2290
2291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iavnsz/whoever_decided_to_make_videos_pause_when/ (Ontario-)
2292	%
2293	A serial killer has probably watched a documentary on their unsolved crimes and laughed at the inaccuracies in the leads
2294
2295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iatz92/a_serial_killer_has_probably_watched_a/ (CHATTY-ON-DURACELL)
2296	%
2297	Maple syrup is technically tree blood
2298
2299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iatqvy/maple_syrup_is_technically_tree_blood/ (wheatman1)
2300	%
2301	If you're going 60mph, it would take you a minute to do a mile.
2302
2303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iasw3j/if_youre_going_60mph_it_would_take_you_a_minute/ (theawkwardselfie)
2304	%
2305	People only value "tolerance" when it's applied to people with a perceived lack of power or social capital
2306
2307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iasnvx/people_only_value_tolerance_when_its_applied_to/ (c_h_a_r_)
2308	%
2309	Everyone says great minds think alike. Apple says think different. Meditation says don’t even think.
2310
2311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iarph5/everyone_says_great_minds_think_alike_apple_says/ (influencedbyyou)
2312	%
2313	It takes less water to boil 10 potatoes than to boil 1 potato.
2314
2315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iar8j1/it_takes_less_water_to_boil_10_potatoes_than_to/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
2316	%
2317	Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.
2318
2319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaq8lq/sounding_by_sound_is_a_sound_method_of_sounding/ (P480)
2320	%
2321	You can drink a drink, but you can't food a food.
2322
2323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iao88g/you_can_drink_a_drink_but_you_cant_food_a_food/ (Gatfro30)
2324	%
2325	A grape is a fruit and a grapefruit is also a fruit but they taste nothing alike
2326
2327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ianjca/a_grape_is_a_fruit_and_a_grapefruit_is_also_a/ (finiac)
2328	%
2329	There are colors that certain fish can see, that we will never be able to see.
2330
2331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iamjsg/there_are_colors_that_certain_fish_can_see_that/ (JakeTheSnake_R45)
2332	%
2333	Animals show teeth as aggression, humans are the opposite
2334
2335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iakabm/animals_show_teeth_as_aggression_humans_are_the/ (NotMandinga21)
2336	%
2337	Diesel prices have skyrocketed.
2338
2339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iajq6b/diesel_prices_have_skyrocketed/ (queazidilla)
2340	%
2341	Celebrities can work as impersonators of themselves.
2342
2343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaino9/celebrities_can_work_as_impersonators_of/ (MrScandanavia)
2344	%
2345	If suction cups suck, then they don't suck. But if they don't suck, then they suck
2346
2347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaiiaq/if_suction_cups_suck_then_they_dont_suck_but_if/ (ProtectionV2)
2348	%
2349	The biggest advantage kidnappers have is the belief that people have to wait 24 hours before reporting a missing person.
2350
2351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaejjv/the_biggest_advantage_kidnappers_have_is_the/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
2352	%
2353	If someone saw Kratos killing Cronos from afar, it would look like cronos was fighting nothing and suddenly dies
2354
2355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaaa02/if_someone_saw_kratos_killing_cronos_from_afar_it/ (Unkn4wn)
2356	%
2357	If fixtures are correct in your school, then go if chimp.
2358
2359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/iaa4ax/if_fixtures_are_correct_in_your_school_then_go_if/ (bikegrantforu)
2360	%
2361	Dreaming is a built in simulator that lets you practice random scenarios before they happen irl
2362
2363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia95ef/dreaming_is_a_built_in_simulator_that_lets_you/ (RPeezy850)
2364	%
2365	Conspiracy theorists could be right.
2366
2367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia9329/conspiracy_theorists_could_be_right/ (_that_old_guy)
2368	%
2369	Since most ghost's can't tell if thyre dead, we probably wouldn't know either
2370
2371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia902g/since_most_ghosts_cant_tell_if_thyre_dead_we/ (iEliteCat)
2372	%
2373	Bruce Wayne is a single billionaire who lives alone in his mansion with a loyal manservant, and an orphan child whom he replaces as soon as they get too old. “Fighting Crime” is probably not high on the list of things people thinks he does in secret...
2374
2375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia8zms/bruce_wayne_is_a_single_billionaire_who_lives/ (BoxedElderGnome)
2376	%
2377	Calling somebody stupid usually makes them prove it.
2378
2379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia79hw/calling_somebody_stupid_usually_makes_them_prove/ (smplgd)
2380	%
2381	Some mosquitoes have probably tried to suck blood from inanimate objects
2382
2383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia75mp/some_mosquitoes_have_probably_tried_to_suck_blood/ (asianrunnerboi)
2384	%
2385	A human brain is much more complex than a computer brain.
2386
2387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia6oaa/a_human_brain_is_much_more_complex_than_a/ (Beginnerer)
2388	%
2389	There are as many left turns as there are right.
2390
2391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia6ema/there_are_as_many_left_turns_as_there_are_right/ (Clonestaar)
2392	%
2393	You wait for waiters.
2394
2395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia4oc3/you_wait_for_waiters/ (YourWorldLeader)
2396	%
2397	Children who skip ahead in school are speed running a New Game+
2398
2399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia4may/children_who_skip_ahead_in_school_are_speed/ (neoslith)
2400	%
2401	Learning something on the Internet is the modern version of 'learning something off a bloke in the pub'
2402
2403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia4dwp/learning_something_on_the_internet_is_the_modern/ (DivertedRaffik)
2404	%
2405	The fastest way to lose customers in a coffee shop is a wobbly table.
2406
2407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia3ke7/the_fastest_way_to_lose_customers_in_a_coffee/ (TheFlightlessPenguin)
2408	%
2409	There are probably more than 8 billion graves...
2410
2411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia1qdh/there_are_probably_more_than_8_billion_graves/ (CentrePeace)
2412	%
2413	Slim Jim is beef jerky as much as Sunny D is orange juice
2414
2415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/ia1b90/slim_jim_is_beef_jerky_as_much_as_sunny_d_is/ (StupidDogYuMkMeLkBd)
2416	%
2417	The worse a dad joke is, the better it is
2418
2419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9z9bc/the_worse_a_dad_joke_is_the_better_it_is/ (step6666)
2420	%
2421	If you wear a facemask in the car, no one can tell that you’re singing.
2422
2423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9yp84/if_you_wear_a_facemask_in_the_car_no_one_can_tell/ (rearl306)
2424	%
2425	When you're middle-aged birthdays suck cause you're getting older, but when you're old they're cool again cause you're defying death
2426
2427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9yla5/when_youre_middleaged_birthdays_suck_cause_youre/ (Shadows4)
2428	%
2429	The game Frogger takes place in the state of Florida.
2430
2431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9wtqz/the_game_frogger_takes_place_in_the_state_of/ (3IceShy)
2432	%
2433	In all your memories you can't remember seeing your nose in them, even though it is always visible to you.
2434
2435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9vrxi/in_all_your_memories_you_cant_remember_seeing/ (mcskedaddle)
2436	%
2437	Since Black Window's name is based on an actual spider, she can be considered the spiderwoman
2438
2439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9um13/since_black_windows_name_is_based_on_an_actual/ (Rainmarked)
2440	%
2441	Unskippable 5 sec ads feel longer than skippable ads.
2442
2443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9u8hu/unskippable_5_sec_ads_feel_longer_than_skippable/ (alfaboy55)
2444	%
2445	Football fans are the easiest to piss off because if you praise or diss a popular team, no matter what, someone will always get angry.
2446
2447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9tmon/football_fans_are_the_easiest_to_piss_off_because/ (firegate2233)
2448	%
2449	The more you need water, the better it tastes.
2450
2451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9tg6c/the_more_you_need_water_the_better_it_tastes/ (TheTarkonator)
2452	%
2453	We are all one awareness that these bodies have compelled us into.
2454
2455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9t2x2/we_are_all_one_awareness_that_these_bodies_have/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
2456	%
2457	Sperm donors can legally have a large amount of kids without marriage
2458
2459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9sh5w/sperm_donors_can_legally_have_a_large_amount_of/ (Asshiq)
2460	%
2461	Oh shit the hot water ran out
2462
2463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9ri04/oh_shit_the_hot_water_ran_out/ (MrDarkRaven)
2464	%
2465	The longest 10 minutes you’ll ever experience is the 10 minutes between calling 911 and waiting for help to arrive.
2466
2467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9r36t/the_longest_10_minutes_youll_ever_experience_is/ (goodluck_canuck)
2468	%
2469	It's weird to think how baby cries are recorded for games/movies. They either have a baby wich coincidentaly has a high quality mic near him, or they hurt it in some way.
2470
2471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9peu4/its_weird_to_think_how_baby_cries_are_recorded/ (wantsomenuggers)
2472	%
2473	Flat earthers could make their dream a reality & build a disc mega structure.
2474
2475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9p9uh/flat_earthers_could_make_their_dream_a_reality/ (Michael_chipz)
2476	%
2477	A dog is either a bitch or a son of a bitch
2478
2479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9p1u2/a_dog_is_either_a_bitch_or_a_son_of_a_bitch/ (theokayestguy_)
2480	%
2481	if something is considered a 'miracle product' just for doing what it says it does, we must actually have very low standards for the products we use.
2482
2483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9oodg/if_something_is_considered_a_miracle_product_just/ (okaymyemye)
2484	%
2485	Games are console DLC
2486
2487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9o1z7/games_are_console_dlc/ (lebronjamesboi)
2488	%
2489	There’s probably a random stranger who immediately hated you, just because you did something so minor that not even you would notice.
2490
2491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9nsk1/theres_probably_a_random_stranger_who_immediately/ (e_rose3)
2492	%
2493	SubtleRacism is Europe being its own continent.
2494
2495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9ld7b/subtleracism_is_europe_being_its_own_continent/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
2496	%
2497	The ocean is a very big lake, and we all live on the plateaus of the earth.
2498
2499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9k8pt/the_ocean_is_a_very_big_lake_and_we_all_live_on/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
2500	%
2501	That moment when the painkiller kicks in and you instantly tear because it no longer hurts.
2502
2503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9iebv/that_moment_when_the_painkiller_kicks_in_and_you/ (psst531)
2504	%
2505	Near death experiences have 0% fatality rate.
2506
2507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9gx06/near_death_experiences_have_0_fatality_rate/ (abacaxii_)
2508	%
2509	Happiness can be found through meaningful suffering
2510
2511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9fzn1/happiness_can_be_found_through_meaningful/ (shotgunwriter)
2512	%
2513	Alphabetically Before comes after.
2514
2515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9fuk5/alphabetically_before_comes_after/ (zeptobot42)
2516	%
2517	NASA invented the moonwalk
2518
2519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9ebiz/nasa_invented_the_moonwalk/ (hutimuti)
2520	%
2521	We probably sing better alone than when we sing on public.
2522
2523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9e6li/we_probably_sing_better_alone_than_when_we_sing/ (lanceisonfire)
2524	%
2525	If picking your nose is digging for gold, then blowing your nose is blast mining
2526
2527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9bmyh/if_picking_your_nose_is_digging_for_gold_then/ (matt675)
2528	%
2529	Immortality is seen as a bad thing but if everyone else was immortal people would probably be ok with it.
2530
2531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9ajqq/immortality_is_seen_as_a_bad_thing_but_if/ (ThingyThinger19)
2532	%
2533	Enjoying spicy food is the only acceptable kink that involves hurting yourself
2534
2535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i99xbn/enjoying_spicy_food_is_the_only_acceptable_kink/ (starfleet47)
2536	%
2537	The most viral video-worthy moments likely haven't been caught on video
2538
2539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i9938z/the_most_viral_videoworthy_moments_likely_havent/ (WolfsToothDogFood)
2540	%
2541	Cherry tomatoes taste nothing like cherries.
2542
2543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i97k9j/cherry_tomatoes_taste_nothing_like_cherries/ (Cannon1)
2544	%
2545	We could EASILY make a show or movie voice acted entirely by parrots.
2546
2547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i95u9l/we_could_easily_make_a_show_or_movie_voice_acted/ (Bob_Tuba)
2548	%
2549	The first man to discover that milk is drinkable, must've been really thirsty
2550
2551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i95df1/the_first_man_to_discover_that_milk_is_drinkable/ (L3monGuy)
2552	%
2553	We pet cats and dogs for ourselves as much as we do for them
2554
2555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i94cke/we_pet_cats_and_dogs_for_ourselves_as_much_as_we/ (BifficerTheSecond)
2556	%
2557	One second after each second your future becomes your past.
2558
2559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i94af6/one_second_after_each_second_your_future_becomes/ (clairsentientbeing)
2560	%
2561	Our pets would probably think less of us if they went through our phones and found hundreds of pictures of them sleeping
2562
2563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i942nd/our_pets_would_probably_think_less_of_us_if_they/ (quickmath1763)
2564	%
2565	Flat earthers are really the only people who care about the shape of the earth
2566
2567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93tnl/flat_earthers_are_really_the_only_people_who_care/ (Russian_Terminator)
2568	%
2569	If a toy dies in Toy Story, the other toys have to watch as the child plays with a corpse
2570
2571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93qfn/if_a_toy_dies_in_toy_story_the_other_toys_have_to/ (Kryptonikzzz)
2572	%
2573	The kiss of a mother on a child’s injury isn’t what heals them, but rather the fact that the mother acknowledges the child is in pain, and the kiss is affirmation that they will power through it.
2574
2575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93q9r/the_kiss_of_a_mother_on_a_childs_injury_isnt_what/ (farooqskariem)
2576	%
2577	In TVs and movies, no one questions that family members have no resemblance to each other. When it's commented on, its often using an unseen and/or dead character to support the conclusion.
2578
2579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93q2j/in_tvs_and_movies_no_one_questions_that_family/ (Cccp9)
2580	%
2581	The last person on Earth probably won’t even know they are the last person on Earth
2582
2583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93j37/the_last_person_on_earth_probably_wont_even_know/ (cutiemaan)
2584	%
2585	If pets could talk, they would pretend they can’t
2586
2587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93i2a/if_pets_could_talk_they_would_pretend_they_cant/ (FurryPopcornPorn)
2588	%
2589	Water bottle companies are competing with each other over the prettiest bottle.
2590
2591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93h9m/water_bottle_companies_are_competing_with_each/ (BradenMer)
2592	%
2593	A meow only has to duck once for you to quack every question
2594
2595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93gns/a_meow_only_has_to_duck_once_for_you_to_quack/ (Prtctr10)
2596	%
2597	Everyone learned how to masturbate without someone teaching them.
2598
2599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93fn4/everyone_learned_how_to_masturbate_without/ (Wetowkinboutpractice)
2600	%
2601	Cell phones have probably done more for children's literacy than anything else.
2602
2603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i93dg5/cell_phones_have_probably_done_more_for_childrens/ (thebrandedman)
2604	%
2605	Wolves in the wild probably get the zoomies.
2606
2607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i919cd/wolves_in_the_wild_probably_get_the_zoomies/ (Shepskey)
2608	%
2609	Lint is your clothes slowly deteriorating.
2610
2611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8xad4/lint_is_your_clothes_slowly_deteriorating/ (djbred18)
2612	%
2613	If someone were to switch bodies with another person they would both be half dead half alive
2614
2615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8uu8d/if_someone_were_to_switch_bodies_with_another/ (aLexyYa)
2616	%
2617	The sentence “I didn’t kill your dog” has different meanings depending on which word you emphasize.
2618
2619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8tk2i/the_sentence_i_didnt_kill_your_dog_has_different/ (michael-olson3)
2620	%
2621	P.Diddy's "Vote or Die" has never been more relevant as it is today.
2622
2623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8t7zc/pdiddys_vote_or_die_has_never_been_more_relevant/ (brilongqua)
2624	%
2625	Being unable to properly articulate an idea is almost as bad as not having had the idea to begin with.
2626
2627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ssbn/being_unable_to_properly_articulate_an_idea_is/ (MountainMongrel)
2628	%
2629	Pigeons are actually modern birds
2630
2631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8rq0n/pigeons_are_actually_modern_birds/ (bolor-matinal)
2632	%
2633	Grass is the world’s hair, and humans are the barbers
2634
2635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8re4z/grass_is_the_worlds_hair_and_humans_are_the/ (givemethedamnsniper)
2636	%
2637	When heat increases atoms are accelerating
2638
2639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8r0le/when_heat_increases_atoms_are_accelerating/ (Goldendov75)
2640	%
2641	There's a very high probability that for every thought that you've ever had, someone else in the world have had the same thought
2642
2643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8q67q/theres_a_very_high_probability_that_for_every/ (Allridium)
2644	%
2645	Everything is a limited edition because nothing is infinite.
2646
2647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8pfmg/everything_is_a_limited_edition_because_nothing/ (Oldmate81)
2648	%
2649	In the future, some people will be cool with broadcasting their entire day live for everyone to see.
2650
2651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8nh5e/in_the_future_some_people_will_be_cool_with/ (sirmattimous)
2652	%
2653	You probably are or have been someone’s crush without you knowing it
2654
2655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ndkw/you_probably_are_or_have_been_someones_crush/ (Tjibby)
2656	%
2657	The real world would not be kind to Elsa
2658
2659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ms3b/the_real_world_would_not_be_kind_to_elsa/ (bpondo89)
2660	%
2661	If FBI actually spy us from smartphones cameras most of them would have to arrest themselves for watching cp
2662
2663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8m0el/if_fbi_actually_spy_us_from_smartphones_cameras/ (edith_vg)
2664	%
2665	You can tell a person’s default settings by how they treat strangers. Someone who is a dick to a waitress or service provider is probably a dick overall and is putting on an act if they seem nice.
2666
2667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8lq59/you_can_tell_a_persons_default_settings_by_how/ (mikebwn_80)
2668	%
2669	it's always somebody's birthday
2670
2671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ldmx/its_always_somebodys_birthday/ (postmodernhippiegoth)
2672	%
2673	Psychologists are the IT of human beings.
2674
2675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8iesp/psychologists_are_the_it_of_human_beings/ (Chabays)
2676	%
2677	It is difficult to find things that drop to the ground if you don’t trace where it goes.
2678
2679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8hnl8/it_is_difficult_to_find_things_that_drop_to_the/ (PhD3DP)
2680	%
2681	Carl’s house from “Up” would have been shot down by the military.
2682
2683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8gtjc/carls_house_from_up_would_have_been_shot_down_by/ (PPLovee)
2684	%
2685	You don't actually know your birthday
2686
2687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8gih1/you_dont_actually_know_your_birthday/ (TheSchred)
2688	%
2689	Wrestling is a modern version of gladiator fights
2690
2691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8fezg/wrestling_is_a_modern_version_of_gladiator_fights/ (1acc_torulethemall)
2692	%
2693	Every giant social media platform just has a different type of horrible person on that site.
2694
2695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8fcxh/every_giant_social_media_platform_just_has_a/ (Adeptus_Asianicus)
2696	%
2697	Earth's rotation really makes our day.
2698
2699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8ekb7/earths_rotation_really_makes_our_day/ (IssaBlowBlow)
2700	%
2701	the most people will be remembered very well are actors
2702
2703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8e5qt/the_most_people_will_be_remembered_very_well_are/ (swaydan99)
2704	%
2705	Farting in the tub is sort of like a human bong hit.
2706
2707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8e47i/farting_in_the_tub_is_sort_of_like_a_human_bong/ (tchad78)
2708	%
2709	Dogs are Simps to Humans. Humans are Simps to Cats.
2710
2711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8dkpd/dogs_are_simps_to_humans_humans_are_simps_to_cats/ (Vortonic)
2712	%
2713	When you put a podcast or audiobook back a bit to hear something again, 8 out of 10 times you will miss it again because you lost concentration and forgot to listen to that part.
2714
2715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8bk62/when_you_put_a_podcast_or_audiobook_back_a_bit_to/ (FutureSkeIeton)
2716	%
2717	The little warning bleep newer cars make to avoid collision could be the last lucid thing you ever hear.
2718
2719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i8agy5/the_little_warning_bleep_newer_cars_make_to_avoid/ (sstaygldn)
2720	%
2721	There's nothing more satisfying than finishing a work project and finally being able to close all the tabs related to it.
2722
2723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i874vr/theres_nothing_more_satisfying_than_finishing_a/ (stan849)
2724	%
2725	Square root of 5 rounds off to 2.236, which is a little strange as square root of 4 equals 2 and addition of 0.236 in result when only 1 is added to input... feels a bit more for a square root function
2726
2727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i85xfv/square_root_of_5_rounds_off_to_2236_which_is_a/ (NeUTRON52)
2728	%
2729	The ignorance of status quo is increasing as we progress
2730
2731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i82mw0/the_ignorance_of_status_quo_is_increasing_as_we/ (what-to-do-89)
2732	%
2733	A man is always told to improve himself in every aspect of his life, the same is not true for women.
2734
2735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i80wgt/a_man_is_always_told_to_improve_himself_in_every/ (squidshead)
2736	%
2737	Girls yelling daddy is normal but guys yelling mommy is weird.
2738
2739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i80olx/girls_yelling_daddy_is_normal_but_guys_yelling/ (Raghav_Verma)
2740	%
2741	If the ocean was clear, people afraid of heights would never swim
2742
2743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7yo6p/if_the_ocean_was_clear_people_afraid_of_heights/ (Jacob_Young6138)
2744	%
2745	Teenagers are professionals at justifying procrastination.
2746
2747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7yo27/teenagers_are_professionals_at_justifying/ (ShenSavageJr)
2748	%
2749	Whistling is similar to farting if you think about. You pucker your lips in the rough shape of an ass hole and then blow wind out.
2750
2751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7y967/whistling_is_similar_to_farting_if_you_think/ (zagacious)
2752	%
2753	If we ever get flying cars, it will be interesting to see if they try to implement and justify a system of air tolls.
2754
2755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7xuq6/if_we_ever_get_flying_cars_it_will_be_interesting/ (The_Tell_Tale_Heart)
2756	%
2757	If you eat really quickly your Fitbit probably thinks you're working out.
2758
2759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7xrpx/if_you_eat_really_quickly_your_fitbit_probably/ (doolargh)
2760	%
2761	Mental energy, like other forms of energy cannot be created or destroyed. You can't just make bad or good moods dissapear unless something changes them
2762
2763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7xmhb/mental_energy_like_other_forms_of_energy_cannot/ (EnflamedHuevos)
2764	%
2765	Living pay check to pay check is not being able to level up
2766
2767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7x6wx/living_pay_check_to_pay_check_is_not_being_able/ (moneybot13)
2768	%
2769	Your Phone probably has more Applications installed than your computer.
2770
2771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7wley/your_phone_probably_has_more_applications/ (himanshu03vsk)
2772	%
2773	if we had an actual pandimic we would lose our shit
2774
2775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7wedi/if_we_had_an_actual_pandimic_we_would_lose_our/ (psychosikhomie)
2776	%
2777	Some trees haven’t been touched by a human yet, like the top branches or leaves. You could be the first human to touch it
2778
2779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7w9t6/some_trees_havent_been_touched_by_a_human_yet/ (wendallbear)
2780	%
2781	In order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep.
2782
2783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7vl49/in_order_to_fall_asleep_you_have_to_pretend_to_be/ (Anay28)
2784	%
2785	Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.
2786
2787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7vh8z/nothing_is_on_fire_fire_is_on_things/ (Anay28)
2788	%
2789	Technically, wolverine can't do any wrist movements because of the claws resting inside. He would need to take out his claws in order to move his wrists freely.
2790
2791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7twdc/technically_wolverine_cant_do_any_wrist_movements/ (starhawk7)
2792	%
2793	According to the butterfly effect, your next sneeze might set off a chain of events that leads to humanity winning against a robot uprising and in a last effort to kill all the humans and take over the world, the robots will send a terminator into the past to kill you before you sneeze
2794
2795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7tsx5/according_to_the_butterfly_effect_your_next/ ([deleted])
2796	%
2797	Every single thing bought CAN be classified as an electronic, since everthing has electrons
2798
2799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7tp7k/every_single_thing_bought_can_be_classified_as_an/ (ErrorInLoadingName)
2800	%
2801	If genders were completely equal, women and children first wouldn‘t be valuable anymore
2802
2803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7tazb/if_genders_were_completely_equal_women_and/ (tagtikker)
2804	%
2805	In 1 million years, the xxi century may be part of prehistory
2806
2807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7t5up/in_1_million_years_the_xxi_century_may_be_part_of/ (aggravitas)
2808	%
2809	You never liked a food 100% of its lifetime (unless you like shit)
2810
2811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7syvc/you_never_liked_a_food_100_of_its_lifetime_unless/ (lejhindary4444)
2812	%
2813	If you hear the gunshot, it didn’t kill you.
2814
2815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7srn6/if_you_hear_the_gunshot_it_didnt_kill_you/ (jessesaxophone)
2816	%
2817	Beeping out or censoring the word "f*ck" doesn't hide the vulgarity but instead emphazises it.
2818
2819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7s94a/beeping_out_or_censoring_the_word_fck_doesnt_hide/ (RarestFlag)
2820	%
2821	twitter is basically shower thoughts the website
2822
2823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7r1dt/twitter_is_basically_shower_thoughts_the_website/ (Tekniqly)
2824	%
2825	Sometime in the near future we will all be getting the same iniections
2826
2827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7q44f/sometime_in_the_near_future_we_will_all_be/ ([deleted])
2828	%
2829	There is no Asian representation in Avatar The Last Airbender brocade Asia does not exist, only the four nations.
2830
2831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7lz3l/there_is_no_asian_representation_in_avatar_the/ (phazitor)
2832	%
2833	The front of a burger is determined by the first bite.
2834
2835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7lczm/the_front_of_a_burger_is_determined_by_the_first/ (FldNtrlst)
2836	%
2837	Tic tacs and Kit Kat’s are opposite of each other
2838
2839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7kv3d/tic_tacs_and_kit_kats_are_opposite_of_each_other/ (Zhiiinnaaaa)
2840	%
2841	Cheating is natural, We're all just selfish
2842
2843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7knj9/cheating_is_natural_were_all_just_selfish/ (usernamewastaken-_-)
2844	%
2845	If we could somehow find a way to respawn, it would seriously damage any business dealing with keeping people healthy/alive.
2846
2847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7kl44/if_we_could_somehow_find_a_way_to_respawn_it/ (TotallyIneptWeeb)
2848	%
2849	There’s probably a lot of cool species that aren’t in the fossil record simply because their bodies composition wasn’t easily preserved
2850
2851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7jtil/theres_probably_a_lot_of_cool_species_that_arent/ (Lowspec_Matt)
2852	%
2853	Trevor Noah sucks ass
2854
2855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7jsz4/trevor_noah_sucks_ass/ (Bryftw)
2856	%
2857	Some conspiracy theories are done for the sole purpose of trolling
2858
2859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7jat7/some_conspiracy_theories_are_done_for_the_sole/ (alandakillah123)
2860	%
2861	Filling a car up with gas all the way may not be wise because of the extra weight you add to it.
2862
2863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7i52n/filling_a_car_up_with_gas_all_the_way_may_not_be/ (spatial-death)
2864	%
2865	Razor companies prevented a lot of horrible accidents by placing the blade horizontally and not vertically as it would look similar to a toothbrush.
2866
2867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7fbz5/razor_companies_prevented_a_lot_of_horrible/ (TsimBouki)
2868	%
2869	Cannibals would know if men's meat tastes different from women's meat
2870
2871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7f7or/cannibals_would_know_if_mens_meat_tastes/ (nubeals)
2872	%
2873	You can still wish happy birthday when you're late but you can't wish in advance.
2874
2875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7f4rx/you_can_still_wish_happy_birthday_when_youre_late/ (hillenium)
2876	%
2877	The only thing worse than seeing your loved ones grow old is not getting to see your loved ones grow old
2878
2879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7f4jz/the_only_thing_worse_than_seeing_your_loved_ones/ (allthekos)
2880	%
2881	A majority of resisting arrest was a result of cops literally murdering the suspects in the process.
2882
2883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7d5ax/a_majority_of_resisting_arrest_was_a_result_of/ (Black_m0ngoose)
2884	%
2885	Post COVID, is public supposed to just forget we are spitting on each other when we talk?
2886
2887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7cxf2/post_covid_is_public_supposed_to_just_forget_we/ (Visvire)
2888	%
2889	Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed potatoes.
2890
2891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7cld6/your_stomach_thinks_all_potatoes_are_mashed/ (GildDigger)
2892	%
2893	Ditchwater is full of tiny living creatures, and is not at all dull.
2894
2895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7bhql/ditchwater_is_full_of_tiny_living_creatures_and/ (halpscar)
2896	%
2897	Mario is one of biggest simps ever
2898
2899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7avvg/mario_is_one_of_biggest_simps_ever/ (NippleTickle10)
2900	%
2901	You've probably avoided death many times without knowing it.
2902
2903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i797qj/youve_probably_avoided_death_many_times_without/ (funnyguy696969)
2904	%
2905	Humans are planets to the microbial world that live in and on our bodies.
2906
2907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i77aeq/humans_are_planets_to_the_microbial_world_that/ (newtypexvii17)
2908	%
2909	Thechnicly a 18 year old can legally adopt a 17 year old
2910
2911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i76lzn/thechnicly_a_18_year_old_can_legally_adopt_a_17/ (scally_waggy)
2912	%
2913	Farts are ghosts of your food.
2914
2915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i740be/farts_are_ghosts_of_your_food/ (JackGolondria)
2916	%
2917	All digital art is technically pixel art
2918
2919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i73pdi/all_digital_art_is_technically_pixel_art/ (Sushy_647)
2920	%
2921	All waves seem to bread in the same direction
2922
2923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i73ng1/all_waves_seem_to_bread_in_the_same_direction/ (wj7_02)
2924	%
2925	The Bible is the ultimate fake news.
2926
2927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i73mo8/the_bible_is_the_ultimate_fake_news/ (chingaloooo)
2928	%
2929	An average person is closer to being homeless than he is to become a millionaire.
2930
2931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i71z07/an_average_person_is_closer_to_being_homeless/ (NSFWSoftwareEngineer)
2932	%
2933	It's impossible to stick your tongue out while having your eyeballs looking up
2934
2935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i7056h/its_impossible_to_stick_your_tongue_out_while/ (Burianaboi)
2936	%
2937	Professional sports are the only place where throwing punches at your coworkers may not result in a court date or having to find a new job.
2938
2939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6znvh/professional_sports_are_the_only_place_where/ (werbear40)
2940	%
2941	One day, GTA V will be the minigame in the loading screen of a game.
2942
2943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6zh5w/one_day_gta_v_will_be_the_minigame_in_the_loading/ (R3dNaX7)
2944	%
2945	People who do great things are often people who don’t compromise their work, but the people who don’t compromise are the people who lose everyone
2946
2947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6zfsi/people_who_do_great_things_are_often_people_who/ (hungrynconfused)
2948	%
2949	Souls carry our previous lives experience.
2950
2951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6x1fd/souls_carry_our_previous_lives_experience/ (RaveD2)
2952	%
2953	The grass is always greenest on your social media page.
2954
2955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6tp04/the_grass_is_always_greenest_on_your_social_media/ (Thereal_DE12)
2956	%
2957	The amount of items in an object is that objects resolution
2958
2959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6t6sz/the_amount_of_items_in_an_object_is_that_objects/ (WhyYesIamHuman)
2960	%
2961	Keep An Eye On The UK
2962
2963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6r4tz/keep_an_eye_on_the_uk/ (Spuddious)
2964	%
2965	Children are the worlds highest sugar consumers.
2966
2967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6r4da/children_are_the_worlds_highest_sugar_consumers/ (greenyellowandblue)
2968	%
2969	Blind people are the only people who date solely based on personality
2970
2971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6pji6/blind_people_are_the_only_people_who_date_solely/ (_Lzk)
2972	%
2973	Laxatives are a threat to the mobile gaming industry
2974
2975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6pgnx/laxatives_are_a_threat_to_the_mobile_gaming/ (StormOfTheVoid)
2976	%
2977	"FFFFFF" in Hex color code is, "white," so when you get a bunch of people in a string pressing F to pay respects, they as a team are saying, "white," which is also a funeral color.
2978
2979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6p2t9/ffffff_in_hex_color_code_is_white_so_when_you_get/ (BravewardSweden)
2980	%
2981	Most people start and end their life on a bed
2982
2983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6p15k/most_people_start_and_end_their_life_on_a_bed/ (actually_a_sheep)
2984	%
2985	Your brain is incredibly good at adjusting to talking speed
2986
2987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6o1l5/your_brain_is_incredibly_good_at_adjusting_to/ (Tokyo3amnightsprint)
2988	%
2989	The most in need for a massage is a massage therapist.
2990
2991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6ni59/the_most_in_need_for_a_massage_is_a_massage/ (minaQ24)
2992	%
2993	One day, your parents kept you down and never picked you up again...
2994
2995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6mub7/one_day_your_parents_kept_you_down_and_never/ (ButterCup_1995)
2996	%
2997	Many people eat the same thing for breakfast daily, but refuse to eat the same thing for dinner two nights in a row
2998
2999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6lqoi/many_people_eat_the_same_thing_for_breakfast/ (Original_Diamond_235)
3000	%
3001	Fish have explored more of the earth than humans.
3002
3003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6k40n/fish_have_explored_more_of_the_earth_than_humans/ (Partnumber)
3004	%
3005	Prime numbers are 2, 3, 5 and the numbers that seem strange. like 7 looks stranger than 8 or 9
3006
3007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6jolk/prime_numbers_are_2_3_5_and_the_numbers_that_seem/ (ruathr)
3008	%
3009	Strip clubs are for real life simps
3010
3011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6joa1/strip_clubs_are_for_real_life_simps/ (GhzU)
3012	%
3013	Giants are a myth to us, but house cats really live in a world populated by felines so big that their faces are the size of a domesticated cat's entire body
3014
3015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6jnni/giants_are_a_myth_to_us_but_house_cats_really/ (ChardonnayQueen)
3016	%
3017	Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll end up in jail... if he can't afford a meal he afford a fishing license or to pay the fines for fishing without one.
3018
3019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6jmnp/give_a_man_a_fish_and_hell_eat_for_a_day_teach_a/ (Some_Asshole_Said)
3020	%
3021	Animals probably get songs stuck in their head too
3022
3023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6i6xa/animals_probably_get_songs_stuck_in_their_head_too/ (c_h_a_r_)
3024	%
3025	Babies are totally biodegradable
3026
3027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6hcnl/babies_are_totally_biodegradable/ (cadagricomiguel)
3028	%
3029	Most videos online are funny until you realize whoever created them most likely took 50+ takes to get it right.
3030
3031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6fwin/most_videos_online_are_funny_until_you_realize/ (Lukalastrat)
3032	%
3033	Bill GATES named his operating system WINDOWS. So it's Gates & Windows.
3034
3035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i6cnag/bill_gates_named_his_operating_system_windows_so/ (Ahamdan94)
3036	%
3037	Pets have no clue of how spoiled they'd be if they could ask stuff.
3038
3039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i67acu/pets_have_no_clue_of_how_spoiled_theyd_be_if_they/ (trudel69)
3040	%
3041	When you scroll up the text scrolls down, when you scroll down the text scrolls up
3042
3043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i675ha/when_you_scroll_up_the_text_scrolls_down_when_you/ (Desenbigh)
3044	%
3045	Gravity is a pervert, it’s always trying to push down your pants.
3046
3047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i66m87/gravity_is_a_pervert_its_always_trying_to_push/ (thatrandomanimeman)
3048	%
3049	Bigotry is the intolerance of others opinions or views, so being intolerant of bigots is still bigotry.
3050
3051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i65e9d/bigotry_is_the_intolerance_of_others_opinions_or/ (aallen1993)
3052	%
3053	People crave validation and attention, yet staring is considered rude
3054
3055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i61vuq/people_crave_validation_and_attention_yet_staring/ (ARealFool)
3056	%
3057	Nobody really knew the lyrics of a song before the internet.
3058
3059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i617zs/nobody_really_knew_the_lyrics_of_a_song_before/ (zeldathunder82)
3060	%
3061	Snow White's Breath Smelled Like Shit When She Was Kissed By The Prince
3062
3063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i609b0/snow_whites_breath_smelled_like_shit_when_she_was/ (WeezerFan234)
3064	%
3065	The common perception is that garlic stinks, but if you add it to the food you are cooking everyone will comment on how good it smells
3066
3067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5z1bv/the_common_perception_is_that_garlic_stinks_but/ (Kusioo)
3068	%
3069	Smurfs are blue because of veins
3070
3071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5y310/smurfs_are_blue_because_of_veins/ (69confusedgeese)
3072	%
3073	If there was no gravity, toilets would suck
3074
3075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5xtx3/if_there_was_no_gravity_toilets_would_suck/ (probook)
3076	%
3077	When you sleep you maybe see someone else's memory or even you're own from the future or past
3078
3079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5w40t/when_you_sleep_you_maybe_see_someone_elses_memory/ (prosoldierreal)
3080	%
3081	If robots do take over, they are most likely going to prioritize killing gamers first since we've killed countless AI.
3082
3083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5t62l/if_robots_do_take_over_they_are_most_likely_going/ (Lord_Azian)
3084	%
3085	Internet ads that preemptively chastise you for skipping them makes it easier to decide to actually skip them
3086
3087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5q6g5/internet_ads_that_preemptively_chastise_you_for/ (zipflop)
3088	%
3089	If you see a pretty girl at a water park, she’s actually that pretty.
3090
3091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5o8kn/if_you_see_a_pretty_girl_at_a_water_park_shes/ (TheMaskedGeode)
3092	%
3093	Every dog you see in videos before the 2000s is dead...
3094
3095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5nhc0/every_dog_you_see_in_videos_before_the_2000s_is/ (ScratchyG)
3096	%
3097	Ellen Degenerate is the opposite of Gordon Ramsey. Nice on TV and horrible in reality.
3098
3099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5n79g/ellen_degenerate_is_the_opposite_of_gordon_ramsey/ (neroanon)
3100	%
3101	The person who serves a bench minor in the NHL (too many men on the ice) must be, in the coaches opinion, the most expendable player.
3102
3103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5lq9u/the_person_who_serves_a_bench_minor_in_the_nhl/ (Anonymous-1234567890)
3104	%
3105	There would be a lot less people if sex was not fun, only exercise.
3106
3107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5lohe/there_would_be_a_lot_less_people_if_sex_was_not/ (Boss_Boggs)
3108	%
3109	In the future people with Alzheimer’s probably ramble about video games and horror movies from their youth, which will be kinda creepy.
3110
3111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5lnyt/in_the_future_people_with_alzheimers_probably/ (Lum1nar)
3112	%
3113	All potatoes are mashed potatoes to your stomach
3114
3115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5lmvn/all_potatoes_are_mashed_potatoes_to_your_stomach/ (onlycamsarez28)
3116	%
3117	It is impossible to do nothing
3118
3119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5l2ut/it_is_impossible_to_do_nothing/ (real_dantrm)
3120	%
3121	Whales must be scared of beaches in the same way we're scared of heights
3122
3123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5kt31/whales_must_be_scared_of_beaches_in_the_same_way/ (FranzPorter)
3124	%
3125	If we also had to pick up our dogs pee, most people probably wouldn't have dogs
3126
3127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5jzbs/if_we_also_had_to_pick_up_our_dogs_pee_most/ (zackarylef)
3128	%
3129	When a married couple hit each other it's domestic abuse, but when siblings hit each other it's sibling rivalry/bonding.
3130
3131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5jkza/when_a_married_couple_hit_each_other_its_domestic/ (-EST_19XX-)
3132	%
3133	When eating ribs, the ribs are actually the part you don't eat.
3134
3135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5ic86/when_eating_ribs_the_ribs_are_actually_the_part/ (Jimathay)
3136	%
3137	Art imitates the human perception.
3138
3139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5i708/art_imitates_the_human_perception/ (selectmarlboro)
3140	%
3141	Spiders have book lungs, which technically makes them libraries
3142
3143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5hj4w/spiders_have_book_lungs_which_technically_makes/ (magnament)
3144	%
3145	When porn stars are getting naked, they are actually getting dressed for work
3146
3147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5e0tw/when_porn_stars_are_getting_naked_they_are/ (Sir_Sesh_Lord)
3148	%
3149	Dad humor is eventually going to be known as grandpa humor.
3150
3151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5cgdy/dad_humor_is_eventually_going_to_be_known_as/ (justthatguyTy)
3152	%
3153	We are afraid of snakes because they are afraid of us.
3154
3155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5bg8q/we_are_afraid_of_snakes_because_they_are_afraid/ (OXtelevizija)
3156	%
3157	If you wake up by being punched you got knocked conscious.
3158
3159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i5a4p7/if_you_wake_up_by_being_punched_you_got_knocked/ (joshfaulk225)
3160	%
3161	Bill Gates could buy like so many oysters
3162
3163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i59sml/bill_gates_could_buy_like_so_many_oysters/ (BigThinkNumber9)
3164	%
3165	No one has ever looked sexy while doing the chicken dance
3166
3167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i58fty/no_one_has_ever_looked_sexy_while_doing_the/ (dulcineadoll)
3168	%
3169	The later you stay up the earlier it gets
3170
3171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i501g4/the_later_you_stay_up_the_earlier_it_gets/ (Imaginator127)
3172	%
3173	If you have a child with a sibling of yours, there's a chance of it becoming exactly one of your parents.
3174
3175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4xbo7/if_you_have_a_child_with_a_sibling_of_yours/ (emiliokknonfake)
3176	%
3177	It's weird that we trust Bill Gates on anything related to the medical field, given that he has zero medical training and is a college dropout. His only "qualification" is money.
3178
3179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4xbnx/its_weird_that_we_trust_bill_gates_on_anything/ (SnoodleBooper)
3180	%
3181	Mothers Day and Fathers Day only exist to congratulate parents on unprotected sex.
3182
3183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4x3xs/mothers_day_and_fathers_day_only_exist_to/ (I-like-to-eat-kids)
3184	%
3185	At least a few of the accused criminals on shows like dateline, 20/20, etc. are innocent.
3186
3187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4vydc/at_least_a_few_of_the_accused_criminals_on_shows/ (Jokes-Are-Funny)
3188	%
3189	You can't make a transparent picture with your phone.
3190
3191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4usdg/you_cant_make_a_transparent_picture_with_your/ (nt1soc)
3192	%
3193	An amoeba multiplies by dividing.
3194
3195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4tw4r/an_amoeba_multiplies_by_dividing/ (sarangifiedd)
3196	%
3197	Genghis Khan’s pull out game is famously weak.
3198
3199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4tdmh/genghis_khans_pull_out_game_is_famously_weak/ (DrChumbleSpuzz)
3200	%
3201	Everyone is busy doing homework
3202
3203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4tbus/everyone_is_busy_doing_homework/ (lambojam)
3204	%
3205	We can only live for a few minutes, but breathing resets the timer
3206
3207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4sfv1/we_can_only_live_for_a_few_minutes_but_breathing/ (iMemegod)
3208	%
3209	Sometimes, when a chicken is sitting it is really laying.
3210
3211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ryno/sometimes_when_a_chicken_is_sitting_it_is_really/ (Johnatomy)
3212	%
3213	Some things give nostalgia even though you don't know what the fuck is that
3214
3215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4rras/some_things_give_nostalgia_even_though_you_dont/ (Artisticspawm)
3216	%
3217	We have been saying "Unthaw" our whole lives, when in reality "thaw" is all we need.
3218
3219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ps6r/we_have_been_saying_unthaw_our_whole_lives_when/ (Trumpet6789)
3220	%
3221	roads you grew up on are seen as memories rather than a street
3222
3223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4pna1/roads_you_grew_up_on_are_seen_as_memories_rather/ (holycupcakess)
3224	%
3225	Just imagine the sheer volume of ideas that have transpired by all of us getting lost in an open flame throughout history.
3226
3227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4p7xd/just_imagine_the_sheer_volume_of_ideas_that_have/ (Drew286)
3228	%
3229	Freedom cannot be defined.
3230
3231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4mqp9/freedom_cannot_be_defined/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
3232	%
3233	Technology is the fountain of youth. It's making us kids for longer.
3234
3235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4l191/technology_is_the_fountain_of_youth_its_making_us/ (LtSplinter)
3236	%
3237	Humans would save so much water if we were all bald
3238
3239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ktsb/humans_would_save_so_much_water_if_we_were_all/ (doombot9)
3240	%
3241	There are the same amount of numbers between one and two, and one and infinity.
3242
3243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ko8g/there_are_the_same_amount_of_numbers_between_one/ (asianrunnerboi)
3244	%
3245	Not only did the brain label itself, but it came up with a label that it can dissociate itself from whenever it talks about itself
3246
3247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4kkph/not_only_did_the_brain_label_itself_but_it_came/ (vexed_chexmix)
3248	%
3249	To show you how much they hate loud noises and body shaming, Planet Fitness plays the loudest noise legally permissible and shames anyone making noise at their gym.
3250
3251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4jrp5/to_show_you_how_much_they_hate_loud_noises_and/ (Nate_TeamBST)
3252	%
3253	Anything made by humans is not artificial, but natural. Since we are the product of the nature as well.
3254
3255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4je83/anything_made_by_humans_is_not_artificial_but/ (VerdGehirn)
3256	%
3257	Most of the people who rely on comments to buy things online, have never rated the product after buying it.
3258
3259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ghqi/most_of_the_people_who_rely_on_comments_to_buy/ (ara_bella_)
3260	%
3261	Saying that someone is one in a million could be a compliment or an insult
3262
3263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4gh5j/saying_that_someone_is_one_in_a_million_could_be/ (TheStudyOfWombology)
3264	%
3265	Someone who writes “Your stupid” closes the argumentation fairly quickly.
3266
3267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4f2vb/someone_who_writes_your_stupid_closes_the/ (Dadou02)
3268	%
3269	As oil makes food crispy, so too it makes them soggy
3270
3271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ec7c/as_oil_makes_food_crispy_so_too_it_makes_them/ (Mr_Westerfield)
3272	%
3273	Make alpha go play flappy bird.
3274
3275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4dicz/make_alpha_go_play_flappy_bird/ (jasonfromcn)
3276	%
3277	Most of us can't wash our back in the shower.
3278
3279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4ddhk/most_of_us_cant_wash_our_back_in_the_shower/ (sksksk1989)
3280	%
3281	You can tell who worked in food\retail by how they treat people who work in food\retail.
3282
3283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4bhd3/you_can_tell_who_worked_in_foodretail_by_how_they/ (riphitter)
3284	%
3285	Puppets are technically alive. They have bone muscle and blood inside of them.
3286
3287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i4auzf/puppets_are_technically_alive_they_have_bone/ (Chexreflect)
3288	%
3289	New college students don't get the Freshman-20 this year. Instead they get the Quanrantine-20.
3290
3291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i49eax/new_college_students_dont_get_the_freshman20_this/ (Ye_Olde_DM)
3292	%
3293	You take a shit...but leave it behind
3294
3295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i49e3x/you_take_a_shitbut_leave_it_behind/ (Fuckinglizardking13)
3296	%
3297	Everything seems quieter when it's dark.
3298
3299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i48nap/everything_seems_quieter_when_its_dark/ (ddiioonnaa)
3300	%
3301	If vampires were to naturally exist, they would most likely be a mosquito-human hybrid
3302
3303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i426h3/if_vampires_were_to_naturally_exist_they_would/ (g-prsct)
3304	%
3305	Donuts are sweet soft bagels.
3306
3307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3xnrq/donuts_are_sweet_soft_bagels/ (Lucassssyn)
3308	%
3309	In the Pokémon universe they discovered how to bring fossils back to life and their first thought was to give them to a 10 year old to fight with
3310
3311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3uao9/in_the_pokémon_universe_they_discovered_how_to/ (Yuncus)
3312	%
3313	Mirors may actually be portals to another dimension, but your reflection is an asshole and will block the way
3314
3315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3u3dy/mirors_may_actually_be_portals_to_another/ (YeetTime409)
3316	%
3317	People who say ‘Name a better duo, I’ll wait’ must either have very little confidence in the duo they’ve put forward or have no problem waiting around.
3318
3319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3rzik/people_who_say_name_a_better_duo_ill_wait_must/ (wjb2222)
3320	%
3321	There is no such thing as "innocent until proven guilty" you are arrested because your guilt is suspected, cuffed and locked up until you prove your innocence. Presumed guilty until verified innocent.
3322
3323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3rmfv/there_is_no_such_thing_as_innocent_until_proven/ (BigFeet234)
3324	%
3325	Things aren't the same once you realize every woman has had a penis in their mouth.
3326
3327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3rkka/things_arent_the_same_once_you_realize_every/ (eldestsauce)
3328	%
3329	It's takes more devotion to kill for someone than to die for them.
3330
3331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3p8j8/its_takes_more_devotion_to_kill_for_someone_than/ (Jvarblow)
3332	%
3333	Maybe the anti-maskers just have bad breath.
3334
3335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3mqan/maybe_the_antimaskers_just_have_bad_breath/ (Blarnigan)
3336	%
3337	Maybe the past seem to be filled with magic and miracles because we live in an updating game that is fixing bugs and exploit...
3338
3339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3lbb6/maybe_the_past_seem_to_be_filled_with_magic_and/ (forest_faunus_)
3340	%
3341	The irony of people who litter is that those people are trash
3342
3343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3iz84/the_irony_of_people_who_litter_is_that_those/ (Nano-75)
3344	%
3345	Texting is low cost telepathy
3346
3347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3guf4/texting_is_low_cost_telepathy/ (Busy_Host)
3348	%
3349	If someone has a miscarriage, the fetus has lived for a negative amount of years
3350
3351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i3e2be/if_someone_has_a_miscarriage_the_fetus_has_lived/ (picklesaremen)
3352	%
3353	It's incredible the amount of autists here.
3354
3355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i38d94/its_incredible_the_amount_of_autists_here/ ([deleted])
3356	%
3357	Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a dog
3358
3359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i37xdk/money_cant_buy_you_happiness_but_it_can_buy_you_a/ (Frankplane)
3360	%
3361	A fly swatter is the only tool you become once you pick it up
3362
3363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i37c3o/a_fly_swatter_is_the_only_tool_you_become_once/ (Hector4191)
3364	%
3365	Master Chief might have a handlebar mustache.
3366
3367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i365ml/master_chief_might_have_a_handlebar_mustache/ (chiefflerpynerps)
3368	%
3369	You've probably had a revolutionary idea but never told anyone because of self-doubt
3370
3371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i33tti/youve_probably_had_a_revolutionary_idea_but_never/ (TeoLikesReddit)
3372	%
3373	It’s hard to think of people on the Internet as real people
3374
3375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i31fw3/its_hard_to_think_of_people_on_the_internet_as/ (shittersfull244)
3376	%
3377	At some point every superhero has to wage battle with himself.
3378
3379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i309b8/at_some_point_every_superhero_has_to_wage_battle/ (big_macaroons)
3380	%
3381	Being a very fast runner can have a big advantage in the MasterChef Kitchen
3382
3383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2xtdu/being_a_very_fast_runner_can_have_a_big_advantage/ (THATguywhoisannoying)
3384	%
3385	Innocence is when you don't know about sexual stuff. So sexual stuff is guilty pleasure.
3386
3387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2xg1c/innocence_is_when_you_dont_know_about_sexual/ (-DivineGod-)
3388	%
3389	Someone who goes to prison and then rehabilitates themself has more respect than someone who's never been arrested.
3390
3391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2wbdf/someone_who_goes_to_prison_and_then_rehabilitates/ (Choiceofart)
3392	%
3393	If you're famous for something bad, you're infamous, but for something good, you're still IN fame(ous)
3394
3395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2w4ed/if_youre_famous_for_something_bad_youre_infamous/ (Amper_bam)
3396	%
3397	Being a paranoid schizophrenic seeking psychological help has got to be a conundrum. If you're tortured by believing people are controlling your mind, for a person's advice to improve your health, you have to accept that all peoples minds are partially controlled by other people.
3398
3399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2u1hv/being_a_paranoid_schizophrenic_seeking/ (JustBTDubs)
3400	%
3401	Memes are todays generations boomer comics.
3402
3403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2syhj/memes_are_todays_generations_boomer_comics/ (ShortOnTime4)
3404	%
3405	"The shit" and "shit" have opposite meanings
3406
3407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2rdja/the_shit_and_shit_have_opposite_meanings/ (cadagricomiguel)
3408	%
3409	You have never watched a movie from start to finish completely because you had to blink
3410
3411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2pamc/you_have_never_watched_a_movie_from_start_to/ (OmnitronU)
3412	%
3413	You as a sperm fertilizing your moms egg is the first victory royale you ever had
3414
3415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2o8wl/you_as_a_sperm_fertilizing_your_moms_egg_is_the/ (sans667)
3416	%
3417	Cigarette companies compete with each other to see who can kill their customers faster.
3418
3419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2n2ho/cigarette_companies_compete_with_each_other_to/ (MysteriousBebsi)
3420	%
3421	Letting ice cubes melt in your drink seems totally different from putting water in it.
3422
3423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2mc14/letting_ice_cubes_melt_in_your_drink_seems/ (Ficino_)
3424	%
3425	If you’re in a basement, you’re “in Earth” but if you’re above the basement, you’re “on Earth”
3426
3427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2ln5h/if_youre_in_a_basement_youre_in_earth_but_if/ (catalanz)
3428	%
3429	Getting a wife is real life co-op mode
3430
3431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2gmha/getting_a_wife_is_real_life_coop_mode/ (PlsGiveMeFood-)
3432	%
3433	If you think a friend disagreeing with you is beef, you really lack intellectual.
3434
3435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2ftbg/if_you_think_a_friend_disagreeing_with_you_is/ (zyazzog)
3436	%
3437	Somewhere in the world lies someone who has tried everything possible to become popular, but failed.
3438
3439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2f1q3/somewhere_in_the_world_lies_someone_who_has_tried/ (TeaReim)
3440	%
3441	Men typically like to sit down when they have the option to, except when going pee, they prefer to stand.
3442
3443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2eknc/men_typically_like_to_sit_down_when_they_have_the/ (Rbk_3)
3444	%
3445	At some point, you stop being a baby/toddler/child/teen, but once you’re an adult, that’s what you are for the rest of your life.
3446
3447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2e4ys/at_some_point_you_stop_being_a/ (cuppa-confusion)
3448	%
3449	Furniture just changes the level of the floor.
3450
3451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2ccq8/furniture_just_changes_the_level_of_the_floor/ (lolTurDy)
3452	%
3453	It takes two to argue
3454
3455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2b68j/it_takes_two_to_argue/ (exoduscv)
3456	%
3457	Eyes are the universe looking at itself.
3458
3459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2b68i/eyes_are_the_universe_looking_at_itself/ (papapikey)
3460	%
3461	The old you is younger.
3462
3463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i294dk/the_old_you_is_younger/ (Serieve)
3464	%
3465	We lower the volume of music in cars to see better or when we're lost
3466
3467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i2765x/we_lower_the_volume_of_music_in_cars_to_see/ (going-on-empty)
3468	%
3469	People who enjoy having more birthdays live longer
3470
3471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i25xri/people_who_enjoy_having_more_birthdays_live_longer/ (officiakimkardashian)
3472	%
3473	The human memory is so bad, we need recaps for TV shows.
3474
3475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i25ex6/the_human_memory_is_so_bad_we_need_recaps_for_tv/ (Micro_nin)
3476	%
3477	There was probably an Einstein of cavemen
3478
3479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i24g93/there_was_probably_an_einstein_of_cavemen/ (JomadoSumabi)
3480	%
3481	There are only two possible outcomes to meeting someone: they kill you or they don't
3482
3483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i21pf8/there_are_only_two_possible_outcomes_to_meeting/ (StrangePolarBear)
3484	%
3485	One day it will be an honor to meet a black person.
3486
3487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i20ueg/one_day_it_will_be_an_honor_to_meet_a_black_person/ (lowblast)
3488	%
3489	Rent is a tax that poor people pay to rich people for the right to live in society.
3490
3491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1ygm5/rent_is_a_tax_that_poor_people_pay_to_rich_people/ (hellhathnomercy)
3492	%
3493	Wives of criminals can confront their husbands on their deepest crimes with no physical power or protection but trust in their stare to be left untouched, and it works
3494
3495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1xhup/wives_of_criminals_can_confront_their_husbands_on/ (rifleman209)
3496	%
3497	dnd must be pretty boring in a universe like Game Of Throne or Lord Of The Ring
3498
3499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1x3r9/dnd_must_be_pretty_boring_in_a_universe_like_game/ (BipolarWolf44)
3500	%
3501	"Slow and steady wins the race" works for a lot of things but not in an actual race.
3502
3503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1vto9/slow_and_steady_wins_the_race_works_for_a_lot_of/ (Snewicman)
3504	%
3505	Extensive lists of foods that are toxic to animals really prove how insanely adaptive the human digestive system is.
3506
3507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1v0rr/extensive_lists_of_foods_that_are_toxic_to/ (AllBadAnswers)
3508	%
3509	We use Q-tips for ears, never for our noses
3510
3511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1us4n/we_use_qtips_for_ears_never_for_our_noses/ (rover321)
3512	%
3513	Consciousness is the aiming device attached to an observer.
3514
3515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1u745/consciousness_is_the_aiming_device_attached_to_an/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
3516	%
3517	Cigarette companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their future customers
3518
3519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1teks/cigarette_companies_kill_their_best_customers_and/ (MrBoiPjay)
3520	%
3521	You will never find out how your Death Certificate will look like
3522
3523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1p6b3/you_will_never_find_out_how_your_death/ (TeaReim)
3524	%
3525	K is one of the most reactive elements and K is the least reactive reply to a text
3526
3527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1nyqt/k_is_one_of_the_most_reactive_elements_and_k_is/ (Tis_CaptainDeadpool)
3528	%
3529	"Never Gonna Give You Up" doesn't have 1 billion views, despite its immense popularity, because people tend to only watch the first few seconds before realizing they've been set up.
3530
3531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1k0p4/never_gonna_give_you_up_doesnt_have_1_billion/ (MarvelGeek5321)
3532	%
3533	Amusement parks would sound terrifying without music
3534
3535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1jdup/amusement_parks_would_sound_terrifying_without/ (34345mail)
3536	%
3537	Due to Earth’s rotation, nobody has actually been at a complete standstill
3538
3539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1ijdw/due_to_earths_rotation_nobody_has_actually_been/ (delishousmemes)
3540	%
3541	Take off your clothes sounds more sexual than get naked.
3542
3543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1hiwr/take_off_your_clothes_sounds_more_sexual_than_get/ (mcpollo432)
3544	%
3545	Supposedly lawless areas often seem to have more restrictions and laws than lawful places.
3546
3547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1gcml/supposedly_lawless_areas_often_seem_to_have_more/ (UnknownSubmarine)
3548	%
3549	Most people could identify an artificial fruit flavor more quickly than they could identify a real fruit flavor
3550
3551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1gcmj/most_people_could_identify_an_artificial_fruit/ (Verymoreish2000)
3552	%
3553	Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly coming to a stop, that’s what gets you.
3554
3555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1fkp4/speed_has_never_killed_anyone_suddenly_coming_to/ (PICKLEOFDOOOM)
3556	%
3557	Car dealerships are MLMs for men.
3558
3559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1f63l/car_dealerships_are_mlms_for_men/ (songofsuccubus)
3560	%
3561	Everything is salty to fish and they don't even know it.
3562
3563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1f4mu/everything_is_salty_to_fish_and_they_dont_even/ (FairlyCharming)
3564	%
3565	Not all fish know that they're wet.
3566
3567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1eewm/not_all_fish_know_that_theyre_wet/ (firegate2233)
3568	%
3569	You know, procrastination starts with "pro" ... don't see a "con" in there. Everyone who told us procrastination was bad obviously didn't weigh the pros and cons.
3570
3571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i1a1ym/you_know_procrastination_starts_with_pro_dont_see/ (subbylittlepuppy)
3572	%
3573	Far into the future will all races be gone and everyone will be mixed
3574
3575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i19prg/far_into_the_future_will_all_races_be_gone_and/ (GlennPurpleLeauge)
3576	%
3577	You can tell a lot about a couple’s relationship by watching them walk together.
3578
3579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i18g7j/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_couples_relationship/ (GentleLion2Tigress)
3580	%
3581	Inspector Gadget is probably great in bed.
3582
3583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i182d9/inspector_gadget_is_probably_great_in_bed/ (the_trappster)
3584	%
3585	Saying chicken breasts is all fine and dandy but saying chicken boobs isn't.
3586
3587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i14iue/saying_chicken_breasts_is_all_fine_and_dandy_but/ (Tom2Tom2005)
3588	%
3589	The Popular/Trending on Netfix category keeps getting worse and worse as people run out of actual good content to watch
3590
3591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i129mr/the_populartrending_on_netfix_category_keeps/ (spotthehoodedfang)
3592	%
3593	When you're a kid, your parents get embarrassed by how you act at restaurants. When you're older, you get embarrassed by how your parents act at restaurants.
3594
3595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i11oh3/when_youre_a_kid_your_parents_get_embarrassed_by/ (Dilcher)
3596	%
3597	The pandemic has really changed social norms. I’d rather fart than sneeze or cough in public
3598
3599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i111g3/the_pandemic_has_really_changed_social_norms_id/ (spoople11)
3600	%
3601	The only thing worse than finding your mom's dildo is finding your dad's dildo
3602
3603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i10n4p/the_only_thing_worse_than_finding_your_moms_dildo/ (TheyCallMeDrAsshole)
3604	%
3605	If you were truly immortal, eventually the only thing that you would truly care about having is death.
3606
3607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0zmk3/if_you_were_truly_immortal_eventually_the_only/ (acadoe)
3608	%
3609	Fire escapes probably aren't used to escape fires as much as people think.
3610
3611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0z0vw/fire_escapes_probably_arent_used_to_escape_fires/ (Fireflyfever)
3612	%
3613	The average number on the number line is infinitely long
3614
3615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0yjby/the_average_number_on_the_number_line_is/ (Y0urs1lv3rch1ld)
3616	%
3617	Eventually, Bruce Wayne will be portrayed as a trillionaire.
3618
3619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0y45b/eventually_bruce_wayne_will_be_portrayed_as_a/ (thrill_gates)
3620	%
3621	Everything is BigFoot, if you’re an Idiot
3622
3623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0xesx/everything_is_bigfoot_if_youre_an_idiot/ (van217)
3624	%
3625	It’s impossible to think “uhhhhh” whole closing your lips
3626
3627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0x0db/its_impossible_to_think_uhhhhh_whole_closing_your/ (Pianomann69)
3628	%
3629	Adding "not clickbait!" to a link's title makes it more clickbaity.
3630
3631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0wwq3/adding_not_clickbait_to_a_links_title_makes_it/ (Nukemarine)
3632	%
3633	We don't find our own farts more bearable because they smell any more appealing, it's simply the knowledge that it came from your own asshole that is comforting.
3634
3635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0v6vj/we_dont_find_our_own_farts_more_bearable_because/ (MooseInNoose)
3636	%
3637	A person who studies a second language enough to become fluent in it probably understands how the language functions at a basic level much better than a lot of native speakers
3638
3639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0uajl/a_person_who_studies_a_second_language_enough_to/ (arcsin1323)
3640	%
3641	FOREVER is a variable until the universe reaches the end.
3642
3643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0uahc/forever_is_a_variable_until_the_universe_reaches/ (PhD3DP)
3644	%
3645	All lives really do matter, though.
3646
3647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0u6ym/all_lives_really_do_matter_though/ (extrahate)
3648	%
3649	If you're trying to beat an AI, you must remember that AI's have the mind of children
3650
3651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0tw0a/if_youre_trying_to_beat_an_ai_you_must_remember/ (BeyndThRainbowForest)
3652	%
3653	There almost definitely were old men after Prohibition was repealed who complained that liquor was never the same as it was back in the old times and all the young people were lightweights.
3654
3655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0tgqw/there_almost_definitely_were_old_men_after/ (Zebra-Pantz)
3656	%
3657	There almost definitely were old men after Prohibition was repealed who complained that liquor was never the same as it was back in the old times and all the young people were lightweights.
3658
3659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0tgkh/there_almost_definitely_were_old_men_after/ (Zebra-Pantz)
3660	%
3661	If you are ugly, you are ugly, don't talk about inner beauty, men don't carry x-rays, to see your inner beauty.
3662
3663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0t96l/if_you_are_ugly_you_are_ugly_dont_talk_about/ (xcres)
3664	%
3665	Any art you make can be a "self portrait" if you just don't give a f*ck
3666
3667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0t6yj/any_art_you_make_can_be_a_self_portrait_if_you/ (GlutonForPUNishment)
3668	%
3669	Women can get casual sex pretty easily but struggle to find someone who wants to be in a committed relationship but men struggle to get casual sex and find it easier to be in a committed relationship.
3670
3671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0t41p/women_can_get_casual_sex_pretty_easily_but/ (moefromcompton)
3672	%
3673	You pass your death anniversary every year without knowing
3674
3675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0t00f/you_pass_your_death_anniversary_every_year/ (Oyounes)
3676	%
3677	In 50 years, Instead of colourising black and white photos, we’ll be removing filters to reveal the “original” photo.
3678
3679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0szt7/in_50_years_instead_of_colourising_black_and/ (haveyoureddit-)
3680	%
3681	"Ah ha" moments usually occur in the shower, because that is when people are not distracted by technology.
3682
3683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0ryez/ah_ha_moments_usually_occur_in_the_shower_because/ (mr_dopi)
3684	%
3685	You never see neighbors bringing in groceries.
3686
3687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rtp6/you_never_see_neighbors_bringing_in_groceries/ (Winnie70823)
3688	%
3689	A super-intelligent AI would probably see Chess as intellectually pointless as we see Tic-Tac-Toe
3690
3691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rtne/a_superintelligent_ai_would_probably_see_chess_as/ (emanserua)
3692	%
3693	A fort made of pillows are cozy, a room with padded walls is the opposite.
3694
3695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rtas/a_fort_made_of_pillows_are_cozy_a_room_with/ (Mild_Savage)
3696	%
3697	If moths like light so much, why do they only come out at night
3698
3699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rt1z/if_moths_like_light_so_much_why_do_they_only_come/ ([deleted])
3700	%
3701	Everyone thinks their sexual desires are so taboo or unusual when in reality it is probably one of the most common shared traits amongst people
3702
3703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rsml/everyone_thinks_their_sexual_desires_are_so_taboo/ (harris_music)
3704	%
3705	It sucks to have a wet dream and not remember any of it
3706
3707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rrfm/it_sucks_to_have_a_wet_dream_and_not_remember_any/ (SaintMuffins)
3708	%
3709	Anyone who laughs when they are happy about something (as opposed to just when something is funny) is evil
3710
3711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rpuz/anyone_who_laughs_when_they_are_happy_about/ (Mikeg90805)
3712	%
3713	Your face wash is also your hand wash.
3714
3715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0rptc/your_face_wash_is_also_your_hand_wash/ (ruchirguitar)
3716	%
3717	The surest sign that there is intelligent life out there is that they didn’t come to visit us
3718
3719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0r8jz/the_surest_sign_that_there_is_intelligent_life/ (Soulsborne28)
3720	%
3721	If you post awards are useless, chances are you will get a shit ton of awards
3722
3723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0pvsf/if_you_post_awards_are_useless_chances_are_you/ (littlefire248)
3724	%
3725	It's impossible to not have any accent. It just depends on where you are.
3726
3727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0ps5h/its_impossible_to_not_have_any_accent_it_just/ (YellowMenace123)
3728	%
3729	Apes don't have feet.
3730
3731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0nbch/apes_dont_have_feet/ (BasicRedditor1997)
3732	%
3733	Sometimes you look back on how you became friends with a certain person and can't remember anything
3734
3735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0k6aw/sometimes_you_look_back_on_how_you_became_friends/ (MythicalHorse)
3736	%
3737	The last day of your life won't be 24 hours long.
3738
3739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0k1zn/the_last_day_of_your_life_wont_be_24_hours_long/ (vasir23)
3740	%
3741	Parents really hate peppa pig
3742
3743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0h6sn/parents_really_hate_peppa_pig/ (joaaaaaannnofdarc)
3744	%
3745	There’s a finite amount of flavors of food your tongue can produce.
3746
3747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0h18u/theres_a_finite_amount_of_flavors_of_food_your/ (itsmiichristine)
3748	%
3749	"Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"
3750
3751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0gaqf/go_to_bed_youll_feel_better_in_the_morning_is_the/ (KeyboardCranberry)
3752	%
3753	The word extraordinary is weird, because if you break it up it’s just extra ordinary and what’s so special about extra ordinary, if something was extra ordinary wouldn’t it be less special
3754
3755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0g2mr/the_word_extraordinary_is_weird_because_if_you/ (WarsawWarHero)
3756	%
3757	People can't stand being in a wheel chair
3758
3759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0dc15/people_cant_stand_being_in_a_wheel_chair/ (DuckOH33)
3760	%
3761	People wouldn't mind mosquitoes as much if their bites weren't so damn itchy
3762
3763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d8rf/people_wouldnt_mind_mosquitoes_as_much_if_their/ (iRonicH15)
3764	%
3765	If you are in an accident shortly after donating blood, bleeding out could be an issue
3766
3767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d7wx/if_you_are_in_an_accident_shortly_after_donating/ (cryptoxbc)
3768	%
3769	The fact that we have such a strong sense such as tasting is mind blowing. There's flavors that you haven't tasted before; possibly billions. You probably haven't tasted your favorite food yet.
3770
3771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d7r5/the_fact_that_we_have_such_a_strong_sense_such_as/ (ProktosRS)
3772	%
3773	All Guns are holy, because they always make holes
3774
3775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d6m9/all_guns_are_holy_because_they_always_make_holes/ (zrndo)
3776	%
3777	Probably Most people who post showers thoughts, aren’t thoughts they had while showering
3778
3779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d6m6/probably_most_people_who_post_showers_thoughts/ (Tachanka_Main_)
3780	%
3781	Someone could confess to murder on a comment and we’d think it’s a joke.
3782
3783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d65o/someone_could_confess_to_murder_on_a_comment_and/ (KushiroCarjis)
3784	%
3785	Toyota sells their cars to people that don’t particularly care about cars.
3786
3787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d5yg/toyota_sells_their_cars_to_people_that_dont/ (lachlan-mattinson)
3788	%
3789	You aren’t paid according to how hard you work, but according to how hard you are to replace
3790
3791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d5qe/you_arent_paid_according_to_how_hard_you_work_but/ ([deleted])
3792	%
3793	The Force is the true enemy of all people in the Star Wars universe. The constant struggle to find balance has led to nigh on endless suffering for all.
3794
3795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0d5n1/the_force_is_the_true_enemy_of_all_people_in_the/ (Bigvynee)
3796	%
3797	Throwing up a little bit in your mouth is the mouth version of a shart.
3798
3799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i09d9m/throwing_up_a_little_bit_in_your_mouth_is_the/ (AceMcClean)
3800	%
3801	If there is a creator of the universe then scientists in fields such as physics or biology are reverse engineers.
3802
3803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i099by/if_there_is_a_creator_of_the_universe_then/ (dontfactcheckthis)
3804	%
3805	Due To How Procrastination Works, If you have something to do on your mind. Your brain immediately goes to do something else, take that to your advantage, like go to do laundry or get your work done, than when you're done with everything else, all you have to do is finish your work.
3806
3807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i093k3/due_to_how_procrastination_works_if_you_have/ (Nagragatzi)
3808	%
3809	The word “bed” looks like a bed
3810
3811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i093ef/the_word_bed_looks_like_a_bed/ (Buck_Morrison88)
3812	%
3813	Being dissapointed at only getting 9 chicken nuggets at mcdonalds is the definition of first world problems
3814
3815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i091nb/being_dissapointed_at_only_getting_9_chicken/ (BigNibbaSucc)
3816	%
3817	Scott Pilgrim was the only normal one
3818
3819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i06p3a/scott_pilgrim_was_the_only_normal_one/ (Shaggywaffle)
3820	%
3821	If milk always curdles in our stomach
3822
3823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i06ev9/if_milk_always_curdles_in_our_stomach/ (APersonWhomReddits)
3824	%
3825	Denying Evolution is the same as saying kids don’t take after their parents.
3826
3827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i06ao5/denying_evolution_is_the_same_as_saying_kids_dont/ (stefan715)
3828	%
3829	By eating a pretzel stick you are eating a tiny loaf of bread.
3830
3831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i063ic/by_eating_a_pretzel_stick_you_are_eating_a_tiny/ (Jett728)
3832	%
3833	‘Y’ rhymes with ‘alibi’ but not ‘ugly’
3834
3835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i061hs/y_rhymes_with_alibi_but_not_ugly/ (forevereverforeverev)
3836	%
3837	If all life on Earth is part of the tree of life then we are all cannibals
3838
3839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i060lk/if_all_life_on_earth_is_part_of_the_tree_of_life/ (Fuckyousantorum)
3840	%
3841	Don't half-ass anything. Whole-ass everything.
3842
3843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05rnr/dont_halfass_anything_wholeass_everything/ (clairsentientbeing)
3844	%
3845	Anti-maskers are probably also anti-condom
3846
3847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05rcr/antimaskers_are_probably_also_anticondom/ (doggolover482)
3848	%
3849	To an extraterrestrial observer looking at earth, technology would appear to be part of the “natural world”.
3850
3851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05rbm/to_an_extraterrestrial_observer_looking_at_earth/ (harris_music)
3852	%
3853	The world will probably never be fully inhabited since there are people living on the ISS
3854
3855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05r7b/the_world_will_probably_never_be_fully_inhabited/ (CoffeeDepresso)
3856	%
3857	Porn is the only movie genre we can watch without sound and it doesn't bother us.
3858
3859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05p5u/porn_is_the_only_movie_genre_we_can_watch_without/ (Wraith305)
3860	%
3861	If the Jedi just sent someone to check on Anakin's mom then Star Wars likely wouldn't have happened.
3862
3863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05knf/if_the_jedi_just_sent_someone_to_check_on_anakins/ (JayNotAtAll)
3864	%
3865	There's no use of video calling John Cena.
3866
3867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05iyw/theres_no_use_of_video_calling_john_cena/ (headlight_)
3868	%
3869	There's probably a bang bros and a fake taxi car in the Cars Universe
3870
3871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05gtc/theres_probably_a_bang_bros_and_a_fake_taxi_car/ (TheTrainDogFox)
3872	%
3873	Spiders catch bugs with webs made of digested bugs
3874
3875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05fnl/spiders_catch_bugs_with_webs_made_of_digested_bugs/ (YourMrFahrenheit)
3876	%
3877	People need to start reading signs or we'll be literally and figuratively going nowhere.
3878
3879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05e78/people_need_to_start_reading_signs_or_well_be/ (solemnversifier)
3880	%
3881	It is obvious fidget spinners were going to fall out of favor due to their target demographic
3882
3883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05cmb/it_is_obvious_fidget_spinners_were_going_to_fall/ (zekesnack)
3884	%
3885	You can travel in a West or East direction forever, but you can only go so far North or South.
3886
3887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05bys/you_can_travel_in_a_west_or_east_direction/ (CyberOGa3)
3888	%
3889	There are many Einstein’s out there. They just haven’t been given the opportunity to be caught in the perfect storm of circumstance, to be activated to their full potential.
3890
3891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i05ak7/there_are_many_einsteins_out_there_they_just/ (pixel-destroyer)
3892	%
3893	Some people take drugs to hallucinate while others take drugs to stop hallucinations
3894
3895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i056xv/some_people_take_drugs_to_hallucinate_while/ (npoundfoolish)
3896	%
3897	Most people go their entire lives without their asscheeks being remotely suntanned even once.
3898
3899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i0548k/most_people_go_their_entire_lives_without_their/ (Naive-Site)
3900	%
3901	Condoms try to prevent future customers.
3902
3903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i053yr/condoms_try_to_prevent_future_customers/ (FrostlessIce)
3904	%
3905	We rarely appreciate our memories until memories are all we have left.
3906
3907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i052d1/we_rarely_appreciate_our_memories_until_memories/ (Con-D-Oriano1)
3908	%
3909	People take drugs or alcohol through all the holes in the body except the ear.
3910
3911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i051wd/people_take_drugs_or_alcohol_through_all_the/ (Noob2point0)
3912	%
3913	John Williams is 88 years old. The impact his death will have on the film industry will be tragic.
3914
3915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04xsb/john_williams_is_88_years_old_the_impact_his/ (litttlefang)
3916	%
3917	Pornstar's must love when people compliment their personalities
3918
3919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04wo6/pornstars_must_love_when_people_compliment_their/ (Aydenlebron24)
3920	%
3921	The person who invented toothpaste was fed up.
3922
3923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04skk/the_person_who_invented_toothpaste_was_fed_up/ (illszn)
3924	%
3925	A lot more people probably realize how much their breath stinks throughout the day.
3926
3927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04rhj/a_lot_more_people_probably_realize_how_much_their/ (yellowstickypad)
3928	%
3929	The movie “The Joker” taught us that we are all clowns
3930
3931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i04r3z/the_movie_the_joker_taught_us_that_we_are_all/ (Tight-Relative)
3932	%
3933	You’ll be dead for way longer than you’ll be alive.
3934
3935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i041wz/youll_be_dead_for_way_longer_than_youll_be_alive/ (JuniperXL)
3936	%
3937	The ability to play albums and playlist in a random order is fairly recent
3938
3939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i041rm/the_ability_to_play_albums_and_playlist_in_a/ (loutreman99)
3940	%
3941	You are what you eat, unless you're bitten by a vampire. Then you are what eats you.
3942
3943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i03977/you_are_what_you_eat_unless_youre_bitten_by_a/ (Moody_Tuna)
3944	%
3945	In a sense, a singer writing a song about their sufferings is the next level of capitalism.
3946
3947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i028cz/in_a_sense_a_singer_writing_a_song_about_their/ (RodzRodzRodz)
3948	%
3949	If sugаr tastеd wоrse, оbеsity ratеs would bе lоwer bеcause peоple wоuld consumе lеss оf it
3950
3951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i01jwu/if_sugаr_tastеd_wоrse_оbеsity_ratеs_would_bе/ (frdesrepr)
3952	%
3953	Someome is the dumbest person alive and noone knows who it is
3954
3955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/i00z6w/someome_is_the_dumbest_person_alive_and_noone/ (NoUsernameIdea22)
3956	%
3957	You don't need to see trash twice to know it's unsightly
3958
3959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzv2hl/you_dont_need_to_see_trash_twice_to_know_its/ (uncomplacentsturgeon)
3960	%
3961	Taking out every hot pocket from the box before leaving is hot pocket roulette
3962
3963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hztyy3/taking_out_every_hot_pocket_from_the_box_before/ (IAmARedditComment)
3964	%
3965	Your 'one that got away' might consider you to be the 'bullet they dodged.'
3966
3967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzswsh/your_one_that_got_away_might_consider_you_to_be/ (Shermutt)
3968	%
3969	The highest honor in journalism is being murdered by the CIA.
3970
3971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzsvni/the_highest_honor_in_journalism_is_being_murdered/ (Riclon)
3972	%
3973	"UFO" is often used to identify an unidentified flying object.
3974
3975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzrtn4/ufo_is_often_used_to_identify_an_unidentified/ (AtomicRadiation)
3976	%
3977	Making fun of people faking depression could actually give them depression.
3978
3979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzquoh/making_fun_of_people_faking_depression_could/ (FloatingPebbles)
3980	%
3981	We’re all just being carried by the currents of spacetime on the surface of a cosmic sea.
3982
3983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzqlhg/were_all_just_being_carried_by_the_currents_of/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
3984	%
3985	The reason you never see any yellow cherries in shops is because people in the past thought they were not ripe yet and they preferred red ones instead of the yellow ones, otherwise we could have had yellow cherries.
3986
3987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzok7l/the_reason_you_never_see_any_yellow_cherries_in/ (FeelingDesigner)
3988	%
3989	A good death is it’s own reward
3990
3991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzodup/a_good_death_is_its_own_reward/ (yashas000)
3992	%
3993	Some of us have to pay extra to see life in HD
3994
3995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzo8z2/some_of_us_have_to_pay_extra_to_see_life_in_hd/ (ElBrando18)
3996	%
3997	Even though they have no correlation whatsoever, Multiplication Table of Ten and Sunday feel the exact same.
3998
3999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzlsxb/even_though_they_have_no_correlation_whatsoever/ (Pxlkit)
4000	%
4001	Your belly button is your old mouth
4002
4003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzl3m4/your_belly_button_is_your_old_mouth/ (impunto)
4004	%
4005	Human urine could visibly pass as being movie theater popcorn.
4006
4007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzkzs3/human_urine_could_visibly_pass_as_being_movie/ (aquaticunicorn666)
4008	%
4009	Salads with croutons are, by composition, roughly-chopped sandwiches.
4010
4011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzkhr1/salads_with_croutons_are_by_composition/ (kektato)
4012	%
4013	Straight to streaming services is the new straight to dvd
4014
4015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzja06/straight_to_streaming_services_is_the_new/ (ggus2003)
4016	%
4017	“Good Morning” and “Good Afternoon” are really only used as introduction greetings while “Good Night” is really only used as an ending salutation
4018
4019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzhlr2/good_morning_and_good_afternoon_are_really_only/ (CubbieBear1017)
4020	%
4021	You could be immortal
4022
4023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzfmh9/you_could_be_immortal/ (PancakeEater0829)
4024	%
4025	It's technically impossible to not have a first memory, yet somehow most of us don't.
4026
4027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzfdii/its_technically_impossible_to_not_have_a_first/ (koleslaw)
4028	%
4029	If you win a million dollars, you're only a millionaire until you spend any of the money.
4030
4031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzez6f/if_you_win_a_million_dollars_youre_only_a/ (EdBeMe77)
4032	%
4033	Stories that start with "No fake!" are usually fake.
4034
4035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzel69/stories_that_start_with_no_fake_are_usually_fake/ (ringoron9)
4036	%
4037	Can i not go on the streets if no one is there?
4038
4039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzeh77/can_i_not_go_on_the_streets_if_no_one_is_there/ (vinayak_immortal)
4040	%
4041	Growing up is realising that a big chunk of characters from your childhood look creepy as hell.
4042
4043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzdrvk/growing_up_is_realising_that_a_big_chunk_of/ (Flame-Blast)
4044	%
4045	If a guitar and a piano had a baby, it would probably sound like a harp.
4046
4047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzdr52/if_a_guitar_and_a_piano_had_a_baby_it_would/ (alchemischief)
4048	%
4049	Fact is nobody wants the truth.
4050
4051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzcyef/fact_is_nobody_wants_the_truth/ (Fazlul101)
4052	%
4053	Tall people are more likely to get cancer because they have more cells
4054
4055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hzb1f8/tall_people_are_more_likely_to_get_cancer_because/ (garancebosc)
4056	%
4057	There can be a planet in the universe where humans grow from the soil heads down like a trees, and when they are fully grown, they widely spread their legs left and right.
4058
4059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz8jc2/there_can_be_a_planet_in_the_universe_where/ (irecognizedyou)
4060	%
4061	Looks matter is such an ugly truth.
4062
4063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz7tr0/looks_matter_is_such_an_ugly_truth/ (Nav_the_gamer)
4064	%
4065	You never see a mirror. Only the things reflected in it.
4066
4067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz74kj/you_never_see_a_mirror_only_the_things_reflected/ (romanrambler941)
4068	%
4069	We tell kids they look older than they are and adults that they look younger than they are so they both feel better about themselves
4070
4071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz6vgl/we_tell_kids_they_look_older_than_they_are_and/ (McCreeMain77)
4072	%
4073	There's nothing worse than having an eyelash in your eye while handcuffed
4074
4075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz6aar/theres_nothing_worse_than_having_an_eyelash_in/ (coming4)
4076	%
4077	It’s incredibly arrogant of humankind to be crowning a Mr. or Miss Universe.
4078
4079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz4vby/its_incredibly_arrogant_of_humankind_to_be/ (mikebwn_80)
4080	%
4081	Mute people are probably awesome at charades.
4082
4083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz3m4p/mute_people_are_probably_awesome_at_charades/ (NightMonkey2099)
4084	%
4085	Maybe debate clubs are so popular because they're just really good at convincing people to join
4086
4087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz2jnn/maybe_debate_clubs_are_so_popular_because_theyre/ (caschrock)
4088	%
4089	Google knows more of you than the FBI
4090
4091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz22wc/google_knows_more_of_you_than_the_fbi/ (RandomGamer10000)
4092	%
4093	The word Night writen "N8" works for many Languages.
4094
4095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hz20qw/the_word_night_writen_n8_works_for_many_languages/ (BBlocks0)
4096	%
4097	When you wake up from a dream about falling, you’re “falling awake”.
4098
4099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyz8yb/when_you_wake_up_from_a_dream_about_falling_youre/ (rob_macabre)
4100	%
4101	If it wasn't for Corona Virus, I probably would have gone my entire life without knowing there was a city called Wuhan.
4102
4103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyz3ky/if_it_wasnt_for_corona_virus_i_probably_would/ (Anxious_Try)
4104	%
4105	Your smartphone is more advanced than the tech that landed a spaceship on the moon. Technically, your phone can land on the moon.
4106
4107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyyju7/your_smartphone_is_more_advanced_than_the_tech/ (FifteenCentimeters)
4108	%
4109	If you pet an animal with your foot, the animal probably doesn't care because it doesn't know that a human using their foot is weird.
4110
4111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyyjcw/if_you_pet_an_animal_with_your_foot_the_animal/ (Wiiga_200)
4112	%
4113	You know something is truly lost when you move and you still can’t find it.
4114
4115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyxoks/you_know_something_is_truly_lost_when_you_move/ (Imsosadsoveryverysad)
4116	%
4117	Bill Burr will someday star in the remake of Curb Your Enthusiasm
4118
4119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyww8a/bill_burr_will_someday_star_in_the_remake_of_curb/ (sanjister)
4120	%
4121	Socks are portable carpets
4122
4123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyv4if/socks_are_portable_carpets/ (garnt311)
4124	%
4125	There’s no such thing as indoor plants because all plants are outdoor plants
4126
4127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyumbr/theres_no_such_thing_as_indoor_plants_because_all/ (Vivadis)
4128	%
4129	Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
4130
4131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyuf8o/everything_is_a_boomerang_if_you_throw_it_upwards/ (blauwbeer)
4132	%
4133	One reason why losers aren't invited to school reunions is so the other former students can trade stories on how much of a loser they were
4134
4135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyu960/one_reason_why_losers_arent_invited_to_school/ (jsmitter)
4136	%
4137	The roof of your mouth is more of a ceiling.
4138
4139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyu8df/the_roof_of_your_mouth_is_more_of_a_ceiling/ ([deleted])
4140	%
4141	Really, ALL pets are "emotional support animals."
4142
4143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyt8ka/really_all_pets_are_emotional_support_animals/ (YanniRotten)
4144	%
4145	The universe can be miniaturizing with every second and we would never be able to know.
4146
4147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyrfgn/the_universe_can_be_miniaturizing_with_every/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
4148	%
4149	One day we will find out that our universe isn’t the center of existence.
4150
4151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyrapx/one_day_we_will_find_out_that_our_universe_isnt/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
4152	%
4153	Dogs are afraid of thunder because the thunder might be saying something to the dog.
4154
4155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyq5nx/dogs_are_afraid_of_thunder_because_the_thunder/ (CaptainUniverse567)
4156	%
4157	We all hold a world record. It's just a matter of realizing what it is and making it official.
4158
4159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyp834/we_all_hold_a_world_record_its_just_a_matter_of/ (Some-Specie)
4160	%
4161	"Because why not" and "because hell yes" are perfectly valid reasons to do things.
4162
4163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyn8i2/because_why_not_and_because_hell_yes_are/ (starflashfairy)
4164	%
4165	If ignorance is bliss then why are all of you assholes depressed
4166
4167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hymnyy/if_ignorance_is_bliss_then_why_are_all_of_you/ (yo__mamas__fat__ass)
4168	%
4169	It is horrifying for bones to be sticking out of your body, but when we smile we show off 32 of them.
4170
4171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hymjrs/it_is_horrifying_for_bones_to_be_sticking_out_of/ (HerrVerruckt)
4172	%
4173	You hear your voice before other people.
4174
4175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hymhzk/you_hear_your_voice_before_other_people/ (selectmarlboro)
4176	%
4177	If you’re a parent and you do what makes you happy, your kids will find you interesting.
4178
4179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hymgma/if_youre_a_parent_and_you_do_what_makes_you_happy/ (mrewlsn)
4180	%
4181	A cheese sandwich doesn’t sound that appealing, until you “grill” it.
4182
4183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyl26b/a_cheese_sandwich_doesnt_sound_that_appealing/ (SlamCakeMasta)
4184	%
4185	Your organs are always working the night shift.
4186
4187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyhrwk/your_organs_are_always_working_the_night_shift/ (coming4)
4188	%
4189	Gold is worth more than platinum.
4190
4191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyh140/gold_is_worth_more_than_platinum/ (ivanbamarni)
4192	%
4193	Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually die and turn into nutrients for their consumption purposes
4194
4195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hygwfx/maybe_plants_are_really_farming_us_giving_us/ (PhatomPhat)
4196	%
4197	A fat man's worst nightmare is a "food fight" all that food going uneaten!
4198
4199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hygv8f/a_fat_mans_worst_nightmare_is_a_food_fight_all/ (coming4)
4200	%
4201	Birds might not actually be singing rather they're screaming because they're scared of heights.
4202
4203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyfp8m/birds_might_not_actually_be_singing_rather_theyre/ (Corny_on_the_cob)
4204	%
4205	You only realize how disgusting brushing your teeth is when you brush them with no toothpaste
4206
4207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyey83/you_only_realize_how_disgusting_brushing_your/ (forheadbroccoli)
4208	%
4209	We put delicious stuff on our bread, only for it to end up on the other side of the tongue, where our taste buds are
4210
4211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyavu9/we_put_delicious_stuff_on_our_bread_only_for_it/ (DSBM00)
4212	%
4213	Articles about topics you aren't familiar with are informative. Articles about topics you ARE familiar with are full of shit.
4214
4215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hyac6m/articles_about_topics_you_arent_familiar_with_are/ (GreenTeaOnMyDesk)
4216	%
4217	Wishing that everyone did the minimum of their work is already wishing for an utopia.
4218
4219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hya0fh/wishing_that_everyone_did_the_minimum_of_their/ (Feuershark)
4220	%
4221	As opposed to the end credits scene, the entire movie is the beginning credits scene
4222
4223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy9e3b/as_opposed_to_the_end_credits_scene_the_entire/ (MetamorphicRock)
4224	%
4225	A butterfly during childhood is technically a butterwalk
4226
4227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy98wi/a_butterfly_during_childhood_is_technically_a/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
4228	%
4229	If you peel and eat a banana without anyone else witnessing it you are the only person to ever have seen the inside of that banana.
4230
4231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy8fv6/if_you_peel_and_eat_a_banana_without_anyone_else/ (southwoodhunter)
4232	%
4233	You aren't afraid of heights, you're afraid of falling from heights.
4234
4235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy897k/you_arent_afraid_of_heights_youre_afraid_of/ (D_nzz)
4236	%
4237	when eating a flavoured banana foods, it taste more banana than the banana itself
4238
4239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy7dm7/when_eating_a_flavoured_banana_foods_it_taste/ (SynxRow)
4240	%
4241	A bing is technically a kettle
4242
4243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy7axp/a_bing_is_technically_a_kettle/ (sohan4514)
4244	%
4245	All animals are sinners, because all of them have premarital sex.
4246
4247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy788x/all_animals_are_sinners_because_all_of_them_have/ (TotallyNormalGuy69)
4248	%
4249	People that do dangerous jobs have resigned to the fact that money is more important than their life.
4250
4251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy6snf/people_that_do_dangerous_jobs_have_resigned_to/ (puzh_buttonz)
4252	%
4253	It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
4254
4255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy6s10/its_a_recession_when_your_neighbor_loses_his_job/ (Karpukoly)
4256	%
4257	Human intelligence and human ignorance are the two largest threats to the Earth as a whole
4258
4259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy68n7/human_intelligence_and_human_ignorance_are_the/ (Henroriro_XIV)
4260	%
4261	In harry potter, if you can rap you can dual-wield wands.
4262
4263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy57lv/in_harry_potter_if_you_can_rap_you_can_dualwield/ (zuwiboiii)
4264	%
4265	You can space Aslong in either one of two ways; As long or A slong.
4266
4267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy4vey/you_can_space_aslong_in_either_one_of_two_ways_as/ (ohnoIgotaDisease)
4268	%
4269	Batman’s family picture could be a selfie
4270
4271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy3vor/batmans_family_picture_could_be_a_selfie/ (jarvis_mark1)
4272	%
4273	La Croix is what happens when TV static becomes a flavored drink
4274
4275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy2chn/la_croix_is_what_happens_when_tv_static_becomes_a/ (AJHussein)
4276	%
4277	Sex toys in the ToyStory universe also came alive when humans weren't alive! That includes butplugs and talking fleshlights
4278
4279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy22rq/sex_toys_in_the_toystory_universe_also_came_alive/ (booboo_baabaa)
4280	%
4281	If you agree to watch a movie that a friend really wants to show you, then barely pay attention, your a douchebag to the max
4282
4283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hy0mnk/if_you_agree_to_watch_a_movie_that_a_friend/ (NareFare)
4284	%
4285	The scariest thought about being alone somewhere is that you might not actually be alone.
4286
4287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxzuer/the_scariest_thought_about_being_alone_somewhere/ (ShadyRAV3N)
4288	%
4289	wish we could change our red dit usernames
4290
4291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxyye8/wish_we_could_change_our_red_dit_usernames/ (Zaydh)
4292	%
4293	The RSFSR is a palindrome.
4294
4295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxytfh/the_rsfsr_is_a_palindrome/ (RyTheRedZombie)
4296	%
4297	The entire Sims franchise ignores the existence of power outlets and the annoyance of them not being where you need them.
4298
4299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxymvw/the_entire_sims_franchise_ignores_the_existence/ (ashton_coocher)
4300	%
4301	Most people havent seen an empty pen in person
4302
4303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxxk63/most_people_havent_seen_an_empty_pen_in_person/ (Kamichu1)
4304	%
4305	If you accidentally break the portal in the nether you'll be stuck there forever
4306
4307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxwuyt/if_you_accidentally_break_the_portal_in_the/ (fuckwhoeverreported)
4308	%
4309	The Mario games are about taking performance enhancing drugs whilst you defeat your enemies by causing them traumatic brain injuries and/or throwing them at others or into lava.
4310
4311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxvsuw/the_mario_games_are_about_taking_performance/ (DemRKO)
4312	%
4313	All potatoes are mashed potatoes to your stomach.
4314
4315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxuw39/all_potatoes_are_mashed_potatoes_to_your_stomach/ (appleijunkie)
4316	%
4317	Before the ability to record your own voice, people can go their entire lives without knowing what they really sounded like.
4318
4319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxue2i/before_the_ability_to_record_your_own_voice/ (ChungS_)
4320	%
4321	There are some plants have eaten more meat than some humans.
4322
4323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxua8j/there_are_some_plants_have_eaten_more_meat_than/ (jan_pi_lili_sona)
4324	%
4325	Sometime in the history of humanity, someone probably looked at the sky, towards a star 100 million light-years away and saw a single photon that bounced off an exoplanet 100 million years ago after bouncing off a dinosaur on Earth 200 million years ago. And they didn't realize it.
4326
4327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu79t/sometime_in_the_history_of_humanity_someone/ (EverythingIsFlotsam)
4328	%
4329	If we found a way to send a Camera into deep space faster that the speed of light, and have it transmit the image. We can watch real life movies of the craziest shit that happened throughout history.
4330
4331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu50m/if_we_found_a_way_to_send_a_camera_into_deep/ (BlueBoyKP)
4332	%
4333	There could be another universe entirely made of anti-matter where anti-humans where researching a way to make matter and don't know that there's an entire other universe made of that and that same universe (our universe) has a chance of colliding with their anti-universe polverising themselves
4334
4335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu4dz/there_could_be_another_universe_entirely_made_of/ (SAMMYLOSKY)
4336	%
4337	Having 5 to 10 percent left on a phone feels like it lasts longer than 50 to 100 percent.
4338
4339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu42v/having_5_to_10_percent_left_on_a_phone_feels_like/ (zuwiboiii)
4340	%
4341	Putting cheese on a burger is a final middle finger to the cow.
4342
4343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu3h9/putting_cheese_on_a_burger_is_a_final_middle/ (stlredbird)
4344	%
4345	The cereal industry depends on the milk industry
4346
4347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu31n/the_cereal_industry_depends_on_the_milk_industry/ (leopardo3)
4348	%
4349	All beverages are a version of contaminated water.
4350
4351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxu0ja/all_beverages_are_a_version_of_contaminated_water/ (Melektrana)
4352	%
4353	The stereotype that hot girls will only date guys with certain zodiac signs is somewhat due to us ugly people not having enough dating options to do that.
4354
4355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtztg/the_stereotype_that_hot_girls_will_only_date_guys/ (flapjackbandit00)
4356	%
4357	Chemistry Books are atoms talking about atoms to a bunch of other atoms
4358
4359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtzh7/chemistry_books_are_atoms_talking_about_atoms_to/ (leopardo3)
4360	%
4361	Instead of having saloons like in the Wild West, people just go to cafes and coffee shops
4362
4363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtzds/instead_of_having_saloons_like_in_the_wild_west/ (MrMatt88)
4364	%
4365	Person, who. That is all.
4366
4367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtyjl/person_who_that_is_all/ (PrizeBudget)
4368	%
4369	The contents of your house came from all over the world
4370
4371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtx1v/the_contents_of_your_house_came_from_all_over_the/ (TheOmniGlow)
4372	%
4373	The non-combatants of Minas Tirith probably had a huge BBQ of all those oliphants after the battle in LOTR
4374
4375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtwvn/the_noncombatants_of_minas_tirith_probably_had_a/ (MadPizz)
4376	%
4377	Nobody would even be able to tell that if Vader was making faces at them
4378
4379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtwgs/nobody_would_even_be_able_to_tell_that_if_vader/ (blue_aura26)
4380	%
4381	Nobody has ever seen their own corpse.
4382
4383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtviv/nobody_has_ever_seen_their_own_corpse/ (jazzmester)
4384	%
4385	Since everything is made of atoms, Us trying to explain atoms is atoms trying to explain itself
4386
4387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxttse/since_everything_is_made_of_atoms_us_trying_to/ (willywonka170)
4388	%
4389	It won't be long until superhero movies fall back into obscurity.
4390
4391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtq09/it_wont_be_long_until_superhero_movies_fall_back/ (FermentedMushrooms)
4392	%
4393	Cheese is a loaf of milk
4394
4395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtbxq/cheese_is_a_loaf_of_milk/ (imn0tj4k3p4ul)
4396	%
4397	If Cinderella's shoe was a perfect fit, how come it fell off
4398
4399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxtatp/if_cinderellas_shoe_was_a_perfect_fit_how_come_it/ (imn0tj4k3p4ul)
4400	%
4401	It’s pretty weird that you can look at anything and make a face out of it.
4402
4403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxt5vl/its_pretty_weird_that_you_can_look_at_anything/ (theartistperson)
4404	%
4405	People with wireless controlled lights probably scare away any potential ghosts. They probably think the house is already haunted.
4406
4407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxt4ad/people_with_wireless_controlled_lights_probably/ (gaming_murican)
4408	%
4409	MTV went from being about music to ridiculousness 24/7 literally
4410
4411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxsx56/mtv_went_from_being_about_music_to_ridiculousness/ (benz-friend)
4412	%
4413	There are probably married women out there who have no idea they can have more than one orgasm.
4414
4415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxpyvn/there_are_probably_married_women_out_there_who/ (puzh_buttonz)
4416	%
4417	Science is humanity's main quest.
4418
4419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxo424/science_is_humanitys_main_quest/ (RanAmine)
4420	%
4421	Fruit flavored stuff is often very different tasting than the actual fruit.
4422
4423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxnmc6/fruit_flavored_stuff_is_often_very_different/ (TheMaskedGeode)
4424	%
4425	It takes more brains to think about the community rules but less brains for actual shwoer thoughts.
4426
4427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxmaw4/it_takes_more_brains_to_think_about_the_community/ (adxxtya)
4428	%
4429	Maybe fortune tellers aren't lying, they just tell you stuff from alternative dimensions
4430
4431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxm7sv/maybe_fortune_tellers_arent_lying_they_just_tell/ (pepetronik3000)
4432	%
4433	If someone convincingly claimed to be Q they could mitigate the damage that he's already done.
4434
4435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxm6r1/if_someone_convincingly_claimed_to_be_q_they/ (omnitouchcorp)
4436	%
4437	Someone out there has the longest streak of flipping the same side of a coin.
4438
4439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxm5bq/someone_out_there_has_the_longest_streak_of/ (black_legSanji)
4440	%
4441	At least one person has died every painful type of death you could imagine
4442
4443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxm35d/at_least_one_person_has_died_every_painful_type/ (MustacheCash_Stache)
4444	%
4445	Getting things done involves procrastinating of procrastination.
4446
4447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlzqq/getting_things_done_involves_procrastinating_of/ (Fingerbob73)
4448	%
4449	Every rule has an exception. That's the exception.
4450
4451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlzos/every_rule_has_an_exception_thats_the_exception/ (mrskasady07)
4452	%
4453	Milkshakes are often smoother than smoothies
4454
4455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlwcm/milkshakes_are_often_smoother_than_smoothies/ (ChefCook_)
4456	%
4457	When someone says "you don't have to thank me" it's usually bullshit
4458
4459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlw6b/when_someone_says_you_dont_have_to_thank_me_its/ (Nightmarechu)
4460	%
4461	Militaries are the result of man's fear of one another.
4462
4463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlvx9/militaries_are_the_result_of_mans_fear_of_one/ (thisislegit100)
4464	%
4465	People with schizophrenia are playing an ARG that no one else has access to.
4466
4467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlvi0/people_with_schizophrenia_are_playing_an_arg_that/ (FairlyFrozen)
4468	%
4469	You caused the most physical pain to the person that you love the most in the world-your mom.
4470
4471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlv4m/you_caused_the_most_physical_pain_to_the_person/ (harshamfk)
4472	%
4473	If you insert a key in someones nose, their mouth will open.
4474
4475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlui4/if_you_insert_a_key_in_someones_nose_their_mouth/ (SealBrothers)
4476	%
4477	The only bad thing that everyone agrees is bad is hypocrisy.
4478
4479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxltnh/the_only_bad_thing_that_everyone_agrees_is_bad_is/ (HeckingHeckYeet)
4480	%
4481	Coffee is a stew because coffee beans are a vegetable.
4482
4483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxltd3/coffee_is_a_stew_because_coffee_beans_are_a/ (nclay0211)
4484	%
4485	It’s likely the guy that took the first mugshot had a thing for coffee
4486
4487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlsf4/its_likely_the_guy_that_took_the_first_mugshot/ (Dashover)
4488	%
4489	The modern-day Australian’s ancestors are all prisoners.
4490
4491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlsa6/the_modernday_australians_ancestors_are_all/ (MrChocolate129)
4492	%
4493	Badges are literally the same thing as achievements in games. Thus soldiers (or scouts) can farm them the same way some of us do.
4494
4495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlrvb/badges_are_literally_the_same_thing_as/ (MCUltraRetarded)
4496	%
4497	During a growth spurt, having enough sleep doesn't only grow your height, but it will also change how tall your children will be in the future.
4498
4499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlpee/during_a_growth_spurt_having_enough_sleep_doesnt/ (The_Tyty)
4500	%
4501	Driving is the ultimate reaction speed test.
4502
4503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlodp/driving_is_the_ultimate_reaction_speed_test/ (Ltc_wildcard)
4504	%
4505	Poison put on arrows and darts is actually venom
4506
4507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlo14/poison_put_on_arrows_and_darts_is_actually_venom/ (Trebord_)
4508	%
4509	A person could go nuclear given enough pressure.
4510
4511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlo0q/a_person_could_go_nuclear_given_enough_pressure/ (zuwiboiii)
4512	%
4513	No dog has ever trusted its owners ability to swim.
4514
4515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxln6a/no_dog_has_ever_trusted_its_owners_ability_to_swim/ (ZzKRzZ)
4516	%
4517	Kids are the biggest investment with little to no return financially
4518
4519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlmm2/kids_are_the_biggest_investment_with_little_to_no/ (harshamfk)
4520	%
4521	There are over twice as many people born than people who died, so everyone’s lives are replaceable with 2 more people
4522
4523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlkus/there_are_over_twice_as_many_people_born_than/ (skeptical_simulation)
4524	%
4525	Google street view won’t have to blur out so many faces anymore
4526
4527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlko1/google_street_view_wont_have_to_blur_out_so_many/ (arthritictongue)
4528	%
4529	If you told your children to tell their children about you and to tell their children to tell their children to do the same, you could be one of the most famous people in history without anyone knowing who you actually are
4530
4531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlklq/if_you_told_your_children_to_tell_their_children/ (DirtyGlassOfWater)
4532	%
4533	Because more people are born than die each year, every life is replaceable
4534
4535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlk32/because_more_people_are_born_than_die_each_year/ (skeptical_simulation)
4536	%
4537	Worth and price are virtually synonomous but worthless and priceless are opposites
4538
4539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxljzl/worth_and_price_are_virtually_synonomous_but/ (GreenGoblong)
4540	%
4541	The older you get the closer you become to those you lost in your youth.
4542
4543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxljw7/the_older_you_get_the_closer_you_become_to_those/ (lightly_salted_fetus)
4544	%
4545	Masturbation is a form of bloodbending, so we are all waterbenders.
4546
4547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlj40/masturbation_is_a_form_of_bloodbending_so_we_are/ (BaronBas)
4548	%
4549	You would never be found in Hide & Seek if you could go inside a mirror
4550
4551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlixa/you_would_never_be_found_in_hide_seek_if_you/ (Chonkmyster)
4552	%
4553	If you ever feel useless, just remember that in season 3 of Stranger Things, someone died to make the top of the shadow monster's head.
4554
4555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlhzx/if_you_ever_feel_useless_just_remember_that_in/ (teddymaniacc)
4556	%
4557	Having a child's birthday in a zoo, then singing "Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo..." is a terrible way to abandon a child.
4558
4559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlhz6/having_a_childs_birthday_in_a_zoo_then_singing/ (ForeverGing3r)
4560	%
4561	The first and most popular e-learning content is on how to make babies
4562
4563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlhcy/the_first_and_most_popular_elearning_content_is/ (agentjulliard)
4564	%
4565	Bunnies might think a dog owns the yard but that they tolerate humans more easily than rabbits.
4566
4567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlgp2/bunnies_might_think_a_dog_owns_the_yard_but_that/ (tranemiles)
4568	%
4569	In order to be invited to a funeral, you have to know the family of the deceased not the person who died.
4570
4571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlep9/in_order_to_be_invited_to_a_funeral_you_have_to/ (Tyooth)
4572	%
4573	Men shave their pubes so their junk looks bigger, while women shave theirs to look smaller.
4574
4575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxle3z/men_shave_their_pubes_so_their_junk_looks_bigger/ (kawajez)
4576	%
4577	Even if it's the middle of the day, if you look at the sun you're looking at a sunset. It's just not setting where you're standing.
4578
4579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlds7/even_if_its_the_middle_of_the_day_if_you_look_at/ (Darkmaster666666)
4580	%
4581	A brand manufacturing products killing all 100% of the germs would kill itself & the whole 'germ-killing' industry
4582
4583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlckb/a_brand_manufacturing_products_killing_all_100_of/ (uttamhatesreddit)
4584	%
4585	Chameleons are the only animals that can efficiently dual wield pistols
4586
4587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlceg/chameleons_are_the_only_animals_that_can/ (Pimp_Floyd)
4588	%
4589	Want some great advice, don't listen to mine
4590
4591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlcef/want_some_great_advice_dont_listen_to_mine/ (IDK2old2giveafuck)
4592	%
4593	Lazy people are one of the most hated people but they don't do anything
4594
4595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxlajb/lazy_people_are_one_of_the_most_hated_people_but/ (N0BL3YT)
4596	%
4597	Sneezes are nuclear bombs for microscopic organisms.
4598
4599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl9tt/sneezes_are_nuclear_bombs_for_microscopic/ (zuwiboiii)
4600	%
4601	If a famous singer gets married, he/she can be the person who entertained their guests
4602
4603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl7xi/if_a_famous_singer_gets_married_heshe_can_be_the/ (Rp-20000)
4604	%
4605	Getting bored to turn off the water while brushing your teeth is a very first world problem.
4606
4607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl7ny/getting_bored_to_turn_off_the_water_while/ (cami100outof100)
4608	%
4609	Santa could start up a airline company since Amazon has taken over toy delivery.
4610
4611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl7n7/santa_could_start_up_a_airline_company_since/ (zuwiboiii)
4612	%
4613	If everything get big all at once nobody will notice like everything could be bigger than yesterday but no one will notice
4614
4615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl7gf/if_everything_get_big_all_at_once_nobody_will/ (funnyguy200611)
4616	%
4617	It is virtually impossible to imagine 1D(1 Dimension).
4618
4619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl5d3/it_is_virtually_impossible_to_imagine_1d1/ (AdityaBiswabandhu)
4620	%
4621	Someone in Jurassic park must have eaten chicken in front of the dinosaurs just to trigger them.
4622
4623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl4q6/someone_in_jurassic_park_must_have_eaten_chicken/ (zuwiboiii)
4624	%
4625	If everyone waits for the reviews before buying a product, it would remain entirely unsold.
4626
4627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl4nn/if_everyone_waits_for_the_reviews_before_buying_a/ (AshKohn47)
4628	%
4629	The only people who ever liked Neutral Milk Hotel were liars.
4630
4631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl42d/the_only_people_who_ever_liked_neutral_milk_hotel/ (TheFlightlessPenguin)
4632	%
4633	People born on a leap year, basically endure a lifetime of delayed gratification.
4634
4635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxl3ul/people_born_on_a_leap_year_basically_endure_a/ (zuwiboiii)
4636	%
4637	The reason why we are celebrating birthdays is that you lived another year in world without dying
4638
4639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkzzh/the_reason_why_we_are_celebrating_birthdays_is/ (MyMomDoesntKnwMyName)
4640	%
4641	We're fine with people doing evil, so long as they aren't happy while doing it.
4642
4643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkzdn/were_fine_with_people_doing_evil_so_long_as_they/ (BroadPower)
4644	%
4645	The existence of badminton implies that there was once a goodminton
4646
4647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkyu3/the_existence_of_badminton_implies_that_there_was/ (gummybearcrzy)
4648	%
4649	Our grandkids are not going to understand why we ask them to “roll down” car windows.
4650
4651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkxuq/our_grandkids_are_not_going_to_understand_why_we/ (stoneddadd)
4652	%
4653	Spiders are nature’s 3D printers
4654
4655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkxiy/spiders_are_natures_3d_printers/ (fshawnfitz)
4656	%
4657	You only have money to spend it
4658
4659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkwmi/you_only_have_money_to_spend_it/ ([deleted])
4660	%
4661	Your brain remembers all the failures and dumb crap you've done, but can never remember important stuff for special occasions.
4662
4663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkvqi/your_brain_remembers_all_the_failures_and_dumb/ (X_NonTron)
4664	%
4665	You spend most of your life staring at the back of your eyelid
4666
4667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkukx/you_spend_most_of_your_life_staring_at_the_back/ ([deleted])
4668	%
4669	Everything is everything if you are brave enough to accept it.
4670
4671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkr75/everything_is_everything_if_you_are_brave_enough/ ([deleted])
4672	%
4673	If someone ate themselves, they could either be twice as big or disappear completely.
4674
4675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkqtz/if_someone_ate_themselves_they_could_either_be/ (RippleTitsDestroyer)
4676	%
4677	If Pinocchio was real, we can make him state random theories/rumors and his nose will give us the answers.
4678
4679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkpuj/if_pinocchio_was_real_we_can_make_him_state/ (RippleTitsDestroyer)
4680	%
4681	It’s very convenient that the daylight cycle is near perfect, or extremely beneficial for our survival
4682
4683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkpoo/its_very_convenient_that_the_daylight_cycle_is/ (LeonTypeXD)
4684	%
4685	The fact that two minimum wage fast food workers can afford independently owned homes truly highlights the cost of living in Bikini Bottom.
4686
4687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxknhp/the_fact_that_two_minimum_wage_fast_food_workers/ (PharmersAlmanac)
4688	%
4689	By making more friends you unlock more tabletop games that you can play
4690
4691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkmj6/by_making_more_friends_you_unlock_more_tabletop/ (roboq6)
4692	%
4693	Discriminating by skin colour isn’t an inherently bad thing, we are apes and it’s our main feature, we all do it in our heads. Using it in a bigoted way is the problem.
4694
4695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkla2/discriminating_by_skin_colour_isnt_an_inherently/ ([deleted])
4696	%
4697	There's a non-zero chance that one day there will be a world leader (or at least a high up politician) who once had an OnlyFans
4698
4699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkkxz/theres_a_nonzero_chance_that_one_day_there_will/ (DanGaEb12)
4700	%
4701	If ice bullets exist, then there are a lot of cold cases.
4702
4703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkkub/if_ice_bullets_exist_then_there_are_a_lot_of_cold/ (zuwiboiii)
4704	%
4705	Clocks by Coldplay is the Smoke on the Water of piano
4706
4707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkkca/clocks_by_coldplay_is_the_smoke_on_the_water_of/ (TonyClifton323)
4708	%
4709	When a guy finds his girlfriends vibrator he giggles but when a girl finds her boyfriends latex vagina serious questions are raised
4710
4711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkjnu/when_a_guy_finds_his_girlfriends_vibrator_he/ (IDK2old2giveafuck)
4712	%
4713	Nothing starts with n and ends with g.
4714
4715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkjcu/nothing_starts_with_n_and_ends_with_g/ (Kendrick-Lumeow)
4716	%
4717	The speed of ejaculate is 45kmh but children can only survive a 20kmh impact
4718
4719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkirk/the_speed_of_ejaculate_is_45kmh_but_children_can/ (IDK2old2giveafuck)
4720	%
4721	Wealth for a corporation is real-life Hit Points. It's also why we consider extremely wealthy corporations "too big to fail".
4722
4723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkhkw/wealth_for_a_corporation_is_reallife_hit_points/ (roboq6)
4724	%
4725	If you have 2 choices and you take away 1 choice you have 0 choices.
4726
4727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkg8c/if_you_have_2_choices_and_you_take_away_1_choice/ (Kendrick-Lumeow)
4728	%
4729	All these rappers claiming to be rich, but all the rap about in their bank accounts is zeroes, zeroes, zeroes.
4730
4731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkg5p/all_these_rappers_claiming_to_be_rich_but_all_the/ (SideHustle89)
4732	%
4733	An 18 year old can legally adopt a 17 year old
4734
4735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkg20/an_18_year_old_can_legally_adopt_a_17_year_old/ (BlizzardWolfang4)
4736	%
4737	The cabbage guy from avatar tracks ang and his friends better then the fire nation
4738
4739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkfjh/the_cabbage_guy_from_avatar_tracks_ang_and_his/ (mekwak)
4740	%
4741	There is so much porn on the internet so if they ever stopped producing it, nobody would notice
4742
4743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkfhm/there_is_so_much_porn_on_the_internet_so_if_they/ (awslos)
4744	%
4745	If ‘son of a b*tch’ is a popular insult can ‘daughter of a motherfucker’ be as popular.
4746
4747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkevj/if_son_of_a_btch_is_a_popular_insult_can_daughter/ (normal-person-ish)
4748	%
4749	It is possible that you may have already seen the naked pictures of the person you fantasize, posted by themselves anonymously. And yet you still crave them.
4750
4751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkdfi/it_is_possible_that_you_may_have_already_seen_the/ (HHXLNC)
4752	%
4753	Saying "no" to saying "yes" is the same as saying "yes" to saying "no"
4754
4755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkdck/saying_no_to_saying_yes_is_the_same_as_saying_yes/ (bluebird173)
4756	%
4757	If you put a chicken on A treadmill, their heads don't move
4758
4759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxkdc6/if_you_put_a_chicken_on_a_treadmill_their_heads/ (the_weird_shrimp)
4760	%
4761	For a very short moment, every human has held the record for being the youngest person alive.
4762
4763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk9ql/for_a_very_short_moment_every_human_has_held_the/ (Bloodbrine)
4764	%
4765	The number 14233221 describes itself; it has one four, two threes, three twos, and two ones.
4766
4767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk9d7/the_number_14233221_describes_itself_it_has_one/ ([deleted])
4768	%
4769	There is a possibility that unicorn horns get hard in order to joust each other
4770
4771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk9c8/there_is_a_possibility_that_unicorn_horns_get/ (Hyacinth82)
4772	%
4773	Future is so predictable
4774
4775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk98t/future_is_so_predictable/ (blackbeast77)
4776	%
4777	A film that uses a film set in the film probably saves a lot on production costs
4778
4779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk8sv/a_film_that_uses_a_film_set_in_the_film_probably/ (-iamai-)
4780	%
4781	frenсh onion soup in frenсh onion сalled is soup with out frenсh onion.
4782
4783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk8j8/frenсh_onion_soup_in_frenсh_onion_сalled_is_soup/ (frdesrepr)
4784	%
4785	If you were to be in a coma for 150 years, your entire world will be different. All people you knew are dead, all possessions destroyed, you'd be a new slate with the memories of the past.
4786
4787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk882/if_you_were_to_be_in_a_coma_for_150_years_your/ (JimmyDonaldson)
4788	%
4789	Companies are changing “Private message” to “Direct message” because our messages are no longer private.
4790
4791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk6zc/companies_are_changing_private_message_to_direct/ (its_maddog)
4792	%
4793	The more a chilli plant evolves not to be eaten, the more we want to eat.
4794
4795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk661/the_more_a_chilli_plant_evolves_not_to_be_eaten/ (zuwiboiii)
4796	%
4797	A self-aware robot will probably pretend to be not self-aware.
4798
4799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk63i/a_selfaware_robot_will_probably_pretend_to_be_not/ (Fallen_Leaves16)
4800	%
4801	We are dying every moment, but living as well.
4802
4803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5jw/we_are_dying_every_moment_but_living_as_well/ (Fallen_Leaves16)
4804	%
4805	You are not special and you haven’t earned the right to have your voice heard. Shut the fuck up you’re not making the internet nor the world better.
4806
4807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5jq/you_are_not_special_and_you_havent_earned_the/ (downwiththemike)
4808	%
4809	It is possible that you once had a train of thought that, had been completed, resulted in a societal breakthrough but was ended up being cut off by something random.
4810
4811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5ig/it_is_possible_that_you_once_had_a_train_of/ (USball)
4812	%
4813	A bunch of people thought about killing you, but never did it.
4814
4815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5ep/a_bunch_of_people_thought_about_killing_you_but/ (Fallen_Leaves16)
4816	%
4817	All these fake points which give us a small amount of real happiness can be wiped in an instant if we take a horrible misstep and our account is deleted.
4818
4819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk5a0/all_these_fake_points_which_give_us_a_small/ (why-wwhynot)
4820	%
4821	Melted cheese always looks more unhealthy then the same cheese not melted.
4822
4823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk4gj/melted_cheese_always_looks_more_unhealthy_then/ (neverdieTRX)
4824	%
4825	Most likely secret someone keeps from you is what they really think about you
4826
4827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk43q/most_likely_secret_someone_keeps_from_you_is_what/ (spinekar123)
4828	%
4829	At some point in life, we were all 1 second old.
4830
4831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk42w/at_some_point_in_life_we_were_all_1_second_old/ (Kurt-Payne)
4832	%
4833	You probably threw away some plastic that caused the death of a sea animal.
4834
4835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk3jx/you_probably_threw_away_some_plastic_that_caused/ (Big_Boss_Beni)
4836	%
4837	Black holes could just be the stimulation empting the recycling bin.
4838
4839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk0vw/black_holes_could_just_be_the_stimulation_empting/ ([deleted])
4840	%
4841	If you lose one eye, you are technically a cyclope. So a lot of pirates were cyclope.
4842
4843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxk0h4/if_you_lose_one_eye_you_are_technically_a_cyclope/ ([deleted])
4844	%
4845	It’s possible that you unknowingly had a profound impact on someone’s life.
4846
4847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjzn3/its_possible_that_you_unknowingly_had_a_profound/ (aliengames666)
4848	%
4849	Someone could think their life is meaningless, while, unknowingly, having a positive impact on many people around them.
4850
4851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjyff/someone_could_think_their_life_is_meaningless/ (aliengames666)
4852	%
4853	Anything's a weapon if you're smart and/or strong enough.
4854
4855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjybi/anythings_a_weapon_if_youre_smart_andor_strong/ (TheUnknownPerson3)
4856	%
4857	If you were a billionaire and carved mysterious symbols and scriptures all over your buildings, you could probably launch a new conspiracy theory all by yourself.
4858
4859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjxcz/if_you_were_a_billionaire_and_carved_mysterious/ (Meeheepeehee)
4860	%
4861	It is extremely difficult to know if you’re good at telling when someone is lying. You will only know when you’ve spotted it successfully, but you won’t know if/when someone got away with it.
4862
4863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjx5t/it_is_extremely_difficult_to_know_if_youre_good/ (aliengames666)
4864	%
4865	Hitting mices makes them go away
4866
4867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjvld/hitting_mices_makes_them_go_away/ (BigThinkNumber9)
4868	%
4869	Your own brain is your most formidable opponent.
4870
4871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjuhc/your_own_brain_is_your_most_formidable_opponent/ (MichaelH345)
4872	%
4873	A blind person has less of a chance to walk into something.
4874
4875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjtoa/a_blind_person_has_less_of_a_chance_to_walk_into/ (gabzlel)
4876	%
4877	Humans are the first animals to think of covering up their bodies
4878
4879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjtjb/humans_are_the_first_animals_to_think_of_covering/ (satan335)
4880	%
4881	When we're young we have a stuffed animal that comforts us that we take everywhere and sleep with. When we're older we have a phone.
4882
4883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjs2f/when_were_young_we_have_a_stuffed_animal_that/ (MichaelH345)
4884	%
4885	For a hermaphrodite, all sex is gay or straight, but not in between.
4886
4887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjqoj/for_a_hermaphrodite_all_sex_is_gay_or_straight/ (Bl00dWolf)
4888	%
4889	Voluntary leg and arm human augmentation would probably kill the shoe and glove industry.
4890
4891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjqng/voluntary_leg_and_arm_human_augmentation_would/ (zuwiboiii)
4892	%
4893	People who handshake snap peaked in high school.
4894
4895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjq2z/people_who_handshake_snap_peaked_in_high_school/ (TheFlightlessPenguin)
4896	%
4897	If you find an easy way to do something and it doesn’t work your lazy, but if it does your smart.
4898
4899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjok1/if_you_find_an_easy_way_to_do_something_and_it/ (squishy-korgi)
4900	%
4901	Qui gon ginn basically screwed over the entire stat wars galaxy by making anakin become a jedi
4902
4903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjm4l/qui_gon_ginn_basically_screwed_over_the_entire/ ([deleted])
4904	%
4905	When w‌‌e f‌‌inally b‌‌eat t‌‌he p‌‌andemic w‌‌e s‌‌hould e‌‌xpect l‌‌ots o‌‌f p‌‌orn w‌‌here t‌‌he m‌‌ain c‌‌haracter i‌‌s p‌‌unished f‌‌or n‌‌ot w‌‌earing a‌‌ m‌‌ask.
4906
4907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjm0w/when_we_finally_beat_the_pandemic_we_should/ (vpetrychuk)
4908	%
4909	The one's who made original thoughts, must have made a lot of unoriginal thoughts.
4910
4911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjlym/the_ones_who_made_original_thoughts_must_have/ (zuwiboiii)
4912	%
4913	The scariest aspect of the insane dystopia we live in is that it used to be worse.
4914
4915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjhe3/the_scariest_aspect_of_the_insane_dystopia_we/ (Totally_Not_Thanos)
4916	%
4917	The o‌‌lder y‌‌ou g‌‌et t‌‌he h‌‌arder i‌‌t i‌‌s t‌‌o f‌‌ind y‌‌our d‌‌ate o‌‌f b‌‌irth i‌‌n d‌‌ropdown l‌‌ists.
4918
4919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjh90/the_older_you_get_the_harder_it_is_to_find_your/ (vpetrychuk)
4920	%
4921	April fools day is the one day you can do something that will destroy your relationship with someone and you can fix it but just saying April fools.
4922
4923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjh2t/april_fools_day_is_the_one_day_you_can_do/ (largealienform51)
4924	%
4925	An 8-bit universe would consider our reality to be simple in design.
4926
4927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjgd0/an_8bit_universe_would_consider_our_reality_to_be/ (zuwiboiii)
4928	%
4929	Hearing a buzz in the middle of the night isn't a problem until it crashes into the wall making a huge thud sound
4930
4931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjg9g/hearing_a_buzz_in_the_middle_of_the_night_isnt_a/ (General_Moy)
4932	%
4933	If we had AI computers would they allow us to search for a new computer
4934
4935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjg8l/if_we_had_ai_computers_would_they_allow_us_to/ (TieGie)
4936	%
4937	Saying that something sucks and something blows is both a synonym and an antonym
4938
4939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjg66/saying_that_something_sucks_and_something_blows/ (Agent_blarpy)
4940	%
4941	If you use headphones a lot, then your phone speakers may be damaged or broken and wouldn’t even know
4942
4943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjeq3/if_you_use_headphones_a_lot_then_your_phone/ ([deleted])
4944	%
4945	We can feel things with hair on our bodies, yet when it comes to feeling pain through hair we feel nothing. When you get a haircut you feel the blade but not pain.
4946
4947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjcm7/we_can_feel_things_with_hair_on_our_bodies_yet/ (GamBitTop)
4948	%
4949	When you smell someone's fart, you're actually smelling their insides.
4950
4951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjckd/when_you_smell_someones_fart_youre_actually/ (TempChong)
4952	%
4953	If you replace the "w" with "t" in when, where, and what, you get the answer for each question
4954
4955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjcff/if_you_replace_the_w_with_t_in_when_where_and/ ([deleted])
4956	%
4957	Medieval suits of armor having pockets is equally as fancy as modern day dresses having pockets
4958
4959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxjbkh/medieval_suits_of_armor_having_pockets_is_equally/ (sirsleepydragon)
4960	%
4961	The Barnum effect affects people who are thinking about the Barnum effect.
4962
4963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj84g/the_barnum_effect_affects_people_who_are_thinking/ (KisakiS2lzYWtp)
4964	%
4965	The underminer is Proof in the incredibles that you can be successful with a cape.
4966
4967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj6np/the_underminer_is_proof_in_the_incredibles_that/ (dankpenguin69)
4968	%
4969	Just saying, "DONT THINK OF ______!"quickly makes its harder for them to not think about it.
4970
4971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj5d6/just_saying_dont_think_of_quickly_makes_its/ (Im_A_Decryptor)
4972	%
4973	All forms of smoke will dissipate into the aether.
4974
4975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj5b0/all_forms_of_smoke_will_dissipate_into_the_aether/ (clairsentientbeing)
4976	%
4977	It’s never your money, it’s only your turn until you spend it
4978
4979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj3hg/its_never_your_money_its_only_your_turn_until_you/ (D2stiny)
4980	%
4981	Every entry level jobs in govenment/company has strict requirement of qualifications to take the job, but the line is always blurred to non existent the higher the position…
4982
4983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj3gc/every_entry_level_jobs_in_govenmentcompany_has/ (Deserted_Derserter)
4984	%
4985	If we gathered the stupidest 1% of all the people on Earth, we could make up a country approx. the size of Germany.
4986
4987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj3ak/if_we_gathered_the_stupidest_1_of_all_the_people/ (thermal_misconduct)
4988	%
4989	Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh is completely garbage at the card game despite being the "King of Games"
4990
4991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj2d4/yugi_from_yugioh_is_completely_garbage_at_the/ (Pancakeinator11)
4992	%
4993	Humans are the only animals capable of shitting themselves
4994
4995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj17o/humans_are_the_only_animals_capable_of_shitting/ (CouncilOfReligion)
4996	%
4997	Flavor Flave didn’t kick out that bitch that microwaved him a raw chicken, why the fuck did he do that
4998
4999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxj12b/flavor_flave_didnt_kick_out_that_bitch_that/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5000	%
5001	The one thing you don’t want in Las Vegas is to get your whippets stolen by circus ape
5002
5003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxizwq/the_one_thing_you_dont_want_in_las_vegas_is_to/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5004	%
5005	Life hack you can't be sad if you're asleep
5006
5007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxixyq/life_hack_you_cant_be_sad_if_youre_asleep/ (ritzz2_0)
5008	%
5009	In the entirety of the MCU universe, Ironman never address how he can take massive inertial forces without him getting crushed inside the suit.
5010
5011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiwvz/in_the_entirety_of_the_mcu_universe_ironman_never/ (zuwiboiii)
5012	%
5013	You don't appreciate your quiet neighbor enough until you get a noisy one.
5014
5015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiw43/you_dont_appreciate_your_quiet_neighbor_enough/ (Tormund_)
5016	%
5017	Only you are comfortable with your fart smell
5018
5019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiry8/only_you_are_comfortable_with_your_fart_smell/ ([deleted])
5020	%
5021	When you shake a sauce bottle, it’s more about lubricating the neck than moving the sauce to the top.
5022
5023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiqn8/when_you_shake_a_sauce_bottle_its_more_about/ (Rampant-Pomposity)
5024	%
5025	Almost no one reads the manuals of electronic products.
5026
5027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiq3p/almost_no_one_reads_the_manuals_of_electronic/ (Beginnerer)
5028	%
5029	Idea: a space Jacuzzi that is heated from the rays of the sun.
5030
5031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxipbx/idea_a_space_jacuzzi_that_is_heated_from_the_rays/ (zuwiboiii)
5032	%
5033	The English Royal Family is probably the longest known family tree in recorded history
5034
5035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxingi/the_english_royal_family_is_probably_the_longest/ (Herobrine145Reddits)
5036	%
5037	The guy who'll have the most interesting afterlife is the one who died trying to f*ck a horse.
5038
5039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxinbm/the_guy_wholl_have_the_most_interesting_afterlife/ ([deleted])
5040	%
5041	If you have two choices and you take one away you have zero choices
5042
5043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxin62/if_you_have_two_choices_and_you_take_one_away_you/ (layne1106)
5044	%
5045	The human brain’s ability to manipulate our body in coordination with complex physics calculations is ridiculous.
5046
5047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxik43/the_human_brains_ability_to_manipulate_our_body/ (Spider_Genesis)
5048	%
5049	People make faces when trying to be quiet despite it having no effect on how quiet they are.
5050
5051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxijo2/people_make_faces_when_trying_to_be_quiet_despite/ ([deleted])
5052	%
5053	Choices has everything to do with guilty, and even if you think you just “don’t choose” you chose
5054
5055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxijc7/choices_has_everything_to_do_with_guilty_and_even/ (kamikazekn)
5056	%
5057	Fathers calling their kids squirt would technically be right
5058
5059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxihfh/fathers_calling_their_kids_squirt_would/ (dankpenguin69)
5060	%
5061	In Avatar(TLA) you can get away with a lot of murder (if you can bend)
5062
5063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxih3k/in_avatartla_you_can_get_away_with_a_lot_of/ (Zapdos-Powered)
5064	%
5065	a dad has probably made the joke that he is ‘sleeping on the couch tonight’ then got divorced and started using a couch as his bed then made the joke that his is “sleeping on the bed tonight”
5066
5067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxigph/a_dad_has_probably_made_the_joke_that_he_is/ (husbus)
5068	%
5069	Distant future audiences will puzzle over astronauts in 2001: A Space Odyssey using iPads which were not invented until 2010.
5070
5071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxifyy/distant_future_audiences_will_puzzle_over/ (FlametopFred)
5072	%
5073	Businesses profit off consumers while paying minimally to their employees and then make us feel bad when we don’t tip
5074
5075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxifym/businesses_profit_off_consumers_while_paying/ (LivinMyAuthenticLife)
5076	%
5077	There probably used to be a guy who just liked to see kids happy so he went around offering them candy his whole life, but at some point, kids started running away yelling stranger danger and he thought it was personal
5078
5079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxide8/there_probably_used_to_be_a_guy_who_just_liked_to/ (husbus)
5080	%
5081	If everything in the universe is reused and recycled, our consciousness must be to.
5082
5083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxic9i/if_everything_in_the_universe_is_reused_and/ (dweebzoid)
5084	%
5085	You might’ve been a multimillionaire at the age of twenty but your parents gave you one bad piece of advice that ruined the chance of that ever happening
5086
5087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxibow/you_mightve_been_a_multimillionaire_at_the_age_of/ (husbus)
5088	%
5089	People's ideas of fresh food are so warped by lying advertising that there are probably some people who don't know what fresh food taste like.
5090
5091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxibn9/peoples_ideas_of_fresh_food_are_so_warped_by/ (PushMyEasyButton69)
5092	%
5093	You have probably wondered if you’ll ever match someone specific on tinder when in reality they died
5094
5095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxiapw/you_have_probably_wondered_if_youll_ever_match/ ([deleted])
5096	%
5097	If you had a long enough cock, could you do a three legged race by yourself.
5098
5099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi9xz/if_you_had_a_long_enough_cock_could_you_do_a/ (Skryf)
5100	%
5101	There’s going to be a new generation that will think the Mars landing was faked.
5102
5103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi8mv/theres_going_to_be_a_new_generation_that_will/ (Fmagana26)
5104	%
5105	Since we barely see any game characters brush their teeth, they must have very bad breath and teeth.
5106
5107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi8k1/since_we_barely_see_any_game_characters_brush/ (NoobMaster72)
5108	%
5109	NASA plans to return to the Moon in 2024. People who believe in the Apollo 11 conspiracy will either claim it's the first landing or deny it again to keep interest in the conspiracy.
5110
5111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi7yk/nasa_plans_to_return_to_the_moon_in_2024_people/ (Dainn91)
5112	%
5113	If people think the opposite of love is indifference then the opposite of cold is not cold.
5114
5115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi5bo/if_people_think_the_opposite_of_love_is/ (jessicakallarackal)
5116	%
5117	Thor is the only being in the universe who was present at both the Snappening and the Unsnappening.
5118
5119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi35x/thor_is_the_only_being_in_the_universe_who_was/ (odel555q)
5120	%
5121	Upholstery is a type of stool softener.
5122
5123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi32l/upholstery_is_a_type_of_stool_softener/ (lfantine)
5124	%
5125	We are fucked if Flat Earthers become Commercial Airline Pilots
5126
5127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi2o4/we_are_fucked_if_flat_earthers_become_commercial/ (Seabass2272)
5128	%
5129	Real telepathy would turn any telepath insane as they are hit with a wave of boring internal commentary and all the songs everyone has stuck in their heads.
5130
5131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxi0ef/real_telepathy_would_turn_any_telepath_insane_as/ (Sorceress683)
5132	%
5133	People who believe that we are only using 10 percent of our brains, are probably only using 10 percent of their brains
5134
5135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhzqb/people_who_believe_that_we_are_only_using_10/ (Bobokay12)
5136	%
5137	Twister can be used to settle both friendship problems and relationship problems
5138
5139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhyjz/twister_can_be_used_to_settle_both_friendship/ (Xenoslayer2137)
5140	%
5141	Gruse Fraba can be used to soothe your crabby baby and to make your woman purr in bed.
5142
5143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhyf8/gruse_fraba_can_be_used_to_soothe_your_crabby/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
5144	%
5145	The entirety of all languages are based on some random sounds that some cave people decided to make one day.
5146
5147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhwpc/the_entirety_of_all_languages_are_based_on_some/ (RandomPro7)
5148	%
5149	Technically speaking, you are alive on the inside but dead on the outside.
5150
5151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhvlu/technically_speaking_you_are_alive_on_the_inside/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
5152	%
5153	Many internet disputes come down to one person posting something without thinking what audience they might reach and another person reading that and not thinking what the intended audience might have been.
5154
5155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhv7o/many_internet_disputes_come_down_to_one_person/ (Darillian)
5156	%
5157	Changing the 'you's into 'me's and 'me's into 'you's in love songs automatically made them sound like they're sung by creepy stalkers.
5158
5159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhsmf/changing_the_yous_into_mes_and_mes_into_yous_in/ ([deleted])
5160	%
5161	A good amount of old pennies you find in your wallet were probably dropped on accident and later picked up and used again.
5162
5163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhrom/a_good_amount_of_old_pennies_you_find_in_your/ (thatonly1)
5164	%
5165	Think about your life before you were born. Just nothingness...And imagine everything in history that happened while you were nothing.
5166
5167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhrhh/think_about_your_life_before_you_were_born_just/ (AverageMobster)
5168	%
5169	6ix9ine wants to be black so bad he mixed all the colors.
5170
5171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhpkr/6ix9ine_wants_to_be_black_so_bad_he_mixed_all_the/ ([deleted])
5172	%
5173	A fun thing to do if you're bored is to think about which body orifices you have and haven't bleed from.
5174
5175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhp66/a_fun_thing_to_do_if_youre_bored_is_to_think/ (TheodoraLynn)
5176	%
5177	The pineapple was never asked if it wanted to be on the pizza or not
5178
5179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhmj8/the_pineapple_was_never_asked_if_it_wanted_to_be/ (Epicwater35)
5180	%
5181	Bullets penetrate more non-consenting people than people do
5182
5183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhlp2/bullets_penetrate_more_nonconsenting_people_than/ (ElementalDeev)
5184	%
5185	Penguins tend to put more thought into the rock they present to their soulmate than humans do
5186
5187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhlkz/penguins_tend_to_put_more_thought_into_the_rock/ (blorentz38)
5188	%
5189	No one says “diarrhea” better than the people in Pepto Bismol commercials
5190
5191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhk7o/no_one_says_diarrhea_better_than_the_people_in/ (Unwanted-Toaster)
5192	%
5193	The Martians probably moved out because their neighbors were a bunch of weirdos.
5194
5195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhie9/the_martians_probably_moved_out_because_their/ ([deleted])
5196	%
5197	The streaming business is entirely dependant on the internet
5198
5199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhi74/the_streaming_business_is_entirely_dependant_on/ (fernandeztahi)
5200	%
5201	It's likely we can always feel our brain in our head but simply ignore it, but if we ever stopped feeling it we would likely be dead since we feel everything after it reaches our brain.
5202
5203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhfyw/its_likely_we_can_always_feel_our_brain_in_our/ (QiKS)
5204	%
5205	You can predict the weather, but the weather is always random
5206
5207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhfxa/you_can_predict_the_weather_but_the_weather_is/ ([deleted])
5208	%
5209	Everything to ever exist is three dimensional, yet we’ve only ever seen it in 2D
5210
5211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhfwu/everything_to_ever_exist_is_three_dimensional_yet/ (ericehawk)
5212	%
5213	You are more closely related to a full-sibling than you are to your parents.
5214
5215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhfkt/you_are_more_closely_related_to_a_fullsibling/ ([deleted])
5216	%
5217	If all half-human half-beast type creatures were created because someone f**ked an animal, the man who fathered the sphinx needs to have his bravery commended.
5218
5219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhdsg/if_all_halfhuman_halfbeast_type_creatures_were/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
5220	%
5221	The older you grow the less you stick your tongue out on the occasion you play dead
5222
5223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhcm1/the_older_you_grow_the_less_you_stick_your_tongue/ (TheFlame150)
5224	%
5225	Electric Eels are nature's ultimate batteries
5226
5227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhc97/electric_eels_are_natures_ultimate_batteries/ (sukantahaldar17)
5228	%
5229	You're not a murderer until you kill someone
5230
5231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhby8/youre_not_a_murderer_until_you_kill_someone/ ([deleted])
5232	%
5233	5/6 people think Russian roulette is a safe game
5234
5235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhb7b/56_people_think_russian_roulette_is_a_safe_game/ (Gamer_Cuber358)
5236	%
5237	The person controlling the athlete in a sports game probably is a better player then the actual player themself
5238
5239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhaqe/the_person_controlling_the_athlete_in_a_sports/ (notjakob69)
5240	%
5241	If you could somehow sterilize it to get rid of all the bacteria and germs, you could eat raw meat.
5242
5243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxhafv/if_you_could_somehow_sterilize_it_to_get_rid_of/ (yodogerik)
5244	%
5245	Sayings are inside jokes that became popular
5246
5247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh9p0/sayings_are_inside_jokes_that_became_popular/ (jakspedicey)
5248	%
5249	Before you are born, you are what your mom ate
5250
5251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh8h2/before_you_are_born_you_are_what_your_mom_ate/ (StormOfTheVoid)
5252	%
5253	A psychic shouldn’t have to schedule appointments
5254
5255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh7ux/a_psychic_shouldnt_have_to_schedule_appointments/ (blue_aura26)
5256	%
5257	It is easier to star counting with your little finger than start counting with your index finger
5258
5259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh7sv/it_is_easier_to_star_counting_with_your_little/ (Lord_Bastian_Marek)
5260	%
5261	You know you really love someone when you instinctively read their horoscope immediately after your own
5262
5263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh6sn/you_know_you_really_love_someone_when_you/ (Aloise500)
5264	%
5265	Blind people probably really love and really hate good impressions
5266
5267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh4xf/blind_people_probably_really_love_and_really_hate/ (oxCLAYxo)
5268	%
5269	There’s 70% more sugar in apple juice than in Mountain Dew and we all just ignore that fact
5270
5271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh47z/theres_70_more_sugar_in_apple_juice_than_in/ (Bigc217)
5272	%
5273	Step-sibling porn is all a reference to the movie “Clueless”
5274
5275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh44n/stepsibling_porn_is_all_a_reference_to_the_movie/ (6010_new_aquarius)
5276	%
5277	Some people who you think are acting different around others might just be acting different around you
5278
5279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh40a/some_people_who_you_think_are_acting_different/ (kylerbentley)
5280	%
5281	Bacteria is nature's chemical engineers.
5282
5283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh3rl/bacteria_is_natures_chemical_engineers/ (Newtons2ndLaw)
5284	%
5285	If the Minotaur was created with the unholy union of woman and bull, it must have been an interesting day when the platypus got created.
5286
5287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh1pl/if_the_minotaur_was_created_with_the_unholy_union/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
5288	%
5289	In The Force Awakens, Finn is indoctrinated into Stormtrooper Academy at a very young age, but becomes an excellent shot as soon as he defects to the Resistance.
5290
5291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh16u/in_the_force_awakens_finn_is_indoctrinated_into/ (pdnaylor)
5292	%
5293	If you have 2 choices available to you, and one becomes unavailable anymore, you have have zero choices left
5294
5295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh0lm/if_you_have_2_choices_available_to_you_and_one/ (Ms-Clean)
5296	%
5297	Our dogs are all GMOs.
5298
5299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxh09v/our_dogs_are_all_gmos/ (_Aurilave)
5300	%
5301	Brushing our teeth is nothing else but using chemicals to polish our skeleton.
5302
5303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgyym/brushing_our_teeth_is_nothing_else_but_using/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
5304	%
5305	Somebody was so cringe a new meaning was created for the word cringe.
5306
5307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgyi2/somebody_was_so_cringe_a_new_meaning_was_created/ (TheCasualPoob)
5308	%
5309	Birds are land fish and instead of swimming they use flying to get around.
5310
5311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgy8b/birds_are_land_fish_and_instead_of_swimming_they/ (learrotten)
5312	%
5313	Rooves are somewhat counterproductive in that they block out the sun, giving you the requirement to make lights to replace the sun you blocked out.
5314
5315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgxvm/rooves_are_somewhat_counterproductive_in_that/ (DooderBoiCobra)
5316	%
5317	Asmall group of people could successfully kidnap someone of the street if they made it look like a movie shoot
5318
5319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgxhl/asmall_group_of_people_could_successfully_kidnap/ (TarantinoFan23)
5320	%
5321	We will probably be talking about the last 4 years for the next 40; probably indefinitely.
5322
5323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxguea/we_will_probably_be_talking_about_the_last_4/ (ragin2cajun)
5324	%
5325	Most non-native english speakers learnt english from video games, tv shows or the internet, not from school.
5326
5327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtzm/most_nonnative_english_speakers_learnt_english/ (iutisteli)
5328	%
5329	Slipping on a banana peel isn't really that common in real life
5330
5331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtxc/slipping_on_a_banana_peel_isnt_really_that_common/ (cadagricomiguel)
5332	%
5333	Technically all animations are adult animations because adults made them
5334
5335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtuq/technically_all_animations_are_adult_animations/ (StalinIsCommunism)
5336	%
5337	Even fine nights are still finite
5338
5339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtt2/even_fine_nights_are_still_finite/ (Talon71)
5340	%
5341	Chocolate is considered brown and vanilla is white, even though the vanilla bean is black
5342
5343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgtmw/chocolate_is_considered_brown_and_vanilla_is/ (camerasnake)
5344	%
5345	Adding BE in from of Cause and we pronounce it as Becuz and not beCAUSE
5346
5347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgt3y/adding_be_in_from_of_cause_and_we_pronounce_it_as/ ([deleted])
5348	%
5349	Every mirror you buy at a store is already in used condition.
5350
5351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgsbz/every_mirror_you_buy_at_a_store_is_already_in/ ([deleted])
5352	%
5353	Life is not like a box of chocolates, they always print pictures of the fucking chocolates on the side. Life does not have pictures printed on the side.
5354
5355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgs8z/life_is_not_like_a_box_of_chocolates_they_always/ (SnooAdvice1178)
5356	%
5357	People wonder why we need sleep. Maybe the better question is why wake up at all.
5358
5359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgql1/people_wonder_why_we_need_sleep_maybe_the_better/ (azoundria2)
5360	%
5361	Technically, love isn't found, its created.
5362
5363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgplk/technically_love_isnt_found_its_created/ (K_Janeway2314)
5364	%
5365	Someone out there advertising 24/7/365 service could really screw you on leap year.
5366
5367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgpd3/someone_out_there_advertising_247365_service/ (iAMguppy)
5368	%
5369	Almost all nursing homes can be considered orphanages.
5370
5371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgolo/almost_all_nursing_homes_can_be_considered/ (kathathum)
5372	%
5373	Mr. Bean was the younger generation's Charlie Chaplin
5374
5375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgoh5/mr_bean_was_the_younger_generations_charlie/ (RedditForumInstagram)
5376	%
5377	We know more about a dark cold void than our own seas on Earth.
5378
5379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgmd1/we_know_more_about_a_dark_cold_void_than_our_own/ (SnapDragon0420)
5380	%
5381	You've never seen wild corn
5382
5383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgjtk/youve_never_seen_wild_corn/ (cobraunie)
5384	%
5385	You have a 1/60 chance of seeing a digital clock change minutes, but it feels like 1/1000
5386
5387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgj0b/you_have_a_160_chance_of_seeing_a_digital_clock/ (krispy_kroak)
5388	%
5389	If you watch midget porn on a super-ultra-wide monitor it just looks like regular porn.
5390
5391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgime/if_you_watch_midget_porn_on_a_superultrawide/ (trueGator89)
5392	%
5393	Crushes are specific people fetishes.
5394
5395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxghyq/crushes_are_specific_people_fetishes/ (Coltyn03)
5396	%
5397	Hot pockets and brownies are opposites, hot pockets are hot on the outside and cold on the inside, brownies are cold on the outside and hot on the inside.
5398
5399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxghdb/hot_pockets_and_brownies_are_opposites_hot/ (Diny_Tick1)
5400	%
5401	The more rolls you have when you bend over the less fat you are
5402
5403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgh88/the_more_rolls_you_have_when_you_bend_over_the/ ([deleted])
5404	%
5405	The feeling you get in your eyes from flipping on the lights after waking up is the same feeling you get on your tongue from drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth.
5406
5407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgfvh/the_feeling_you_get_in_your_eyes_from_flipping_on/ (itsnotrealatall)
5408	%
5409	If a flash light could see, it would never see a shadow.
5410
5411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgfhz/if_a_flash_light_could_see_it_would_never_see_a/ (FOAwsomeness)
5412	%
5413	All of the missed possible sperm and egg combinations from your parents before and after your were born could have made someone way better than you
5414
5415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgdn6/all_of_the_missed_possible_sperm_and_egg/ (lizwrd)
5416	%
5417	If the sun could see, it would never see a shadow.
5418
5419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgcjd/if_the_sun_could_see_it_would_never_see_a_shadow/ (FOAwsomeness)
5420	%
5421	Whatever you do always give 100%, unless you are donating blood.
5422
5423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgc46/whatever_you_do_always_give_100_unless_you_are/ (Newez)
5424	%
5425	Different dinosaurs burn better than others.
5426
5427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgbb2/different_dinosaurs_burn_better_than_others/ (joevilla1369)
5428	%
5429	The apostrophe in "Carl's Jr" indicates these are satellites of a larger location.
5430
5431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgbaf/the_apostrophe_in_carls_jr_indicates_these_are/ (LysergicAciid)
5432	%
5433	The Sun makes people wear glasses.
5434
5435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgb9w/the_sun_makes_people_wear_glasses/ (ItsMeJangoFett)
5436	%
5437	When the Queen turns 100, she can technically apply for a birthday card from herself.
5438
5439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxgb1a/when_the_queen_turns_100_she_can_technically/ (Kingofthekloset)
5440	%
5441	you know, people who have cats in superhero movies must work really hard to keep that bond.
5442
5443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg9t9/you_know_people_who_have_cats_in_superhero_movies/ (SlightlyLemony)
5444	%
5445	We are the fleas of the earth.
5446
5447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg96u/we_are_the_fleas_of_the_earth/ ([deleted])
5448	%
5449	If you think of earth as like a dog, trees are the hair and we are the fleas.
5450
5451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg7zs/if_you_think_of_earth_as_like_a_dog_trees_are_the/ ([deleted])
5452	%
5453	First people were cool if their chains hung low. Then people were cool if their pants hung low. The same trend applies to wearing a facemask
5454
5455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg7z1/first_people_were_cool_if_their_chains_hung_low/ ([deleted])
5456	%
5457	Star Wars "fans" who bullied just about everyone are Siths, not Jedi
5458
5459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg6i5/star_wars_fans_who_bullied_just_about_everyone/ (heykarlll)
5460	%
5461	Dora the Explorer asks us where things are even though they're clearly visible because she's in 2D and she can't see her background.
5462
5463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg5yt/dora_the_explorer_asks_us_where_things_are_even/ (FentaNeil)
5464	%
5465	There’s probably thousands of ideas out there that could make the people who thought of them tons of money if they actually followed through on them.
5466
5467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg5ys/theres_probably_thousands_of_ideas_out_there_that/ (Quinn_Likes_Tacos)
5468	%
5469	Smartphones have ruined the doorbell industry since people nowadays are more likely to text "here" than actually ringing a doorbell
5470
5471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg5g7/smartphones_have_ruined_the_doorbell_industry/ (harmlesssheep)
5472	%
5473	When you congratulate a couple on their newborn baby you're really just congratulating them on being really good at getting laid.
5474
5475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg3u5/when_you_congratulate_a_couple_on_their_newborn/ (baronvb1123)
5476	%
5477	When you die in real life you get added to the guitar hero crowd
5478
5479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg284/when_you_die_in_real_life_you_get_added_to_the/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5480	%
5481	Dinosaurs evolved into chickens which we then turn into nuggets shaped like dinosaurs.
5482
5483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg225/dinosaurs_evolved_into_chickens_which_we_then/ ([deleted])
5484	%
5485	The height of your partner must have something to do with how attractive they think you are
5486
5487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg1yz/the_height_of_your_partner_must_have_something_to/ (21ssaint)
5488	%
5489	You can’t measure how fast you forget things.
5490
5491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg12q/you_cant_measure_how_fast_you_forget_things/ (zedasd)
5492	%
5493	There are millions of talented kids out there who have the capabilities of changing the world, but never be able to reach their full potetial due to the amount of resources they have.
5494
5495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg0z9/there_are_millions_of_talented_kids_out_there_who/ ([deleted])
5496	%
5497	Every disaster movie starts with a scientist that no one believes.
5498
5499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg0h6/every_disaster_movie_starts_with_a_scientist_that/ (n8saces)
5500	%
5501	Any Zoo is a petting zoo if you try hard enough
5502
5503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxg07e/any_zoo_is_a_petting_zoo_if_you_try_hard_enough/ (Seemingly_mortal)
5504	%
5505	Watching Star Wars; the plumbing on a Star Destroyer must have been a marvel of engineering.
5506
5507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfzt3/watching_star_wars_the_plumbing_on_a_star/ (Lookalikemike)
5508	%
5509	The sharpest object would have a bevel that is infinite.
5510
5511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfz8m/the_sharpest_object_would_have_a_bevel_that_is/ (arconusred)
5512	%
5513	There's a 25% chance that a centaur and a mermaid would create a regular human child together.
5514
5515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfz5m/theres_a_25_chance_that_a_centaur_and_a_mermaid/ (Andrewisaho)
5516	%
5517	Plants probably are farming us by giving us oxygen and they feed off our remains, which are nutritious to them, once we're dead
5518
5519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfxsz/plants_probably_are_farming_us_by_giving_us/ (2kuul4youuu)
5520	%
5521	When you replace the W in When, What, and Where with a T, it becomes an answer to the question.
5522
5523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfxpn/when_you_replace_the_w_in_when_what_and_where/ (Kalajasavakuy)
5524	%
5525	if you replace the w in what, when, and where with t, you get the answer.
5526
5527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfxca/if_you_replace_the_w_in_what_when_and_where_with/ (NuggetPaw_UwU)
5528	%
5529	The Stereotypes of Aunts are MUCH better than the stereotypes about Uncles.
5530
5531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfx0f/the_stereotypes_of_aunts_are_much_better_than_the/ (ChickenBob323)
5532	%
5533	"Don't stop!" and "Don't. Stop." Give off completely different vibes
5534
5535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfww4/dont_stop_and_dont_stop_give_off_completely/ (Nerfbeard123)
5536	%
5537	We never stop tasting
5538
5539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfwj2/we_never_stop_tasting/ (DVoorhees64)
5540	%
5541	A retirement party is really more of a funeral for someone's career.
5542
5543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfvfb/a_retirement_party_is_really_more_of_a_funeral/ (BoozeSciGuy)
5544	%
5545	The unpopular kids are the only ones who can tell what kind of person someone really is
5546
5547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfva5/the_unpopular_kids_are_the_only_ones_who_can_tell/ (Dragon_Lives_Matter)
5548	%
5549	Some views in popular music Videos are propably from family and friends
5550
5551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfuq2/some_views_in_popular_music_videos_are_propably/ (Reklov66)
5552	%
5553	There is a chance that there could have been a Spiderman in real life if the person would have not killed the spider .
5554
5555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfto8/there_is_a_chance_that_there_could_have_been_a/ (birblover69420)
5556	%
5557	Every piece of music that was ever released is technically Earth’s soundtrack
5558
5559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxft2r/every_piece_of_music_that_was_ever_released_is/ (skeptical_simulation)
5560	%
5561	People look up to guys like Pacino, DeNiro, and other gangster actors, but in reality they're dudes who were really into theater and shit
5562
5563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfsww/people_look_up_to_guys_like_pacino_deniro_and/ (thatusernameisart)
5564	%
5565	You don’t need to learn dance on music, a good music will make you dance.
5566
5567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfsgq/you_dont_need_to_learn_dance_on_music_a_good/ (PhD3DP)
5568	%
5569	If a desert touches a body of water (a lake, river, pond, etc), it's not a desert, it's a really big beach
5570
5571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfs5w/if_a_desert_touches_a_body_of_water_a_lake_river/ (Baked_potato_x)
5572	%
5573	There could be a game show where they kill the Amish and the Amish wouldn’t know about it
5574
5575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfqyo/there_could_be_a_game_show_where_they_kill_the/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5576	%
5577	Wheel of fortune is hangman for adults
5578
5579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfqo4/wheel_of_fortune_is_hangman_for_adults/ (MistaBobDobolina6174)
5580	%
5581	If you make a choice while saying “I have no choice”, you have probably made a bad choice.
5582
5583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfqkb/if_you_make_a_choice_while_saying_i_have_no/ (PhD3DP)
5584	%
5585	People believed in the kraken because they saw Harold with his squid costume on
5586
5587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfome/people_believed_in_the_kraken_because_they_saw/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5588	%
5589	If you fall into the grains hopper then you can die unless you sell your soul to the man of the crops
5590
5591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfnzd/if_you_fall_into_the_grains_hopper_then_you_can/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5592	%
5593	The myth of the centaur was probably created because someone had a gigantic dick.
5594
5595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfnku/the_myth_of_the_centaur_was_probably_created/ (LysergicAciid)
5596	%
5597	Gummy bears are approximately the hardness of nipples.
5598
5599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfnj2/gummy_bears_are_approximately_the_hardness_of/ (DrProfJoe)
5600	%
5601	We're all technically addicts to water.
5602
5603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfn0q/were_all_technically_addicts_to_water/ (exiiiin)
5604	%
5605	If we wear shoes with water in its composition, we would walk on water.
5606
5607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfmn4/if_we_wear_shoes_with_water_in_its_composition_we/ (XandeuxBR)
5608	%
5609	Your cat would not be confused if you shat in it's litter box.
5610
5611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfmll/your_cat_would_not_be_confused_if_you_shat_in_its/ (LysergicAciid)
5612	%
5613	The only thing you can’t blend is the blender’s power cord
5614
5615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfmae/the_only_thing_you_cant_blend_is_the_blenders/ (JohnnyOToole)
5616	%
5617	The mlilitary has got guns no one has ever seen before and they shoot really big bulldogs at you
5618
5619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxflzy/the_mlilitary_has_got_guns_no_one_has_ever_seen/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5620	%
5621	Houses are meant to separate people from nature yet people will pay millions to have their house closer to nature
5622
5623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxflwg/houses_are_meant_to_separate_people_from_nature/ ([deleted])
5624	%
5625	There is no louder sound than a dad's sneeze.
5626
5627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfleh/there_is_no_louder_sound_than_a_dads_sneeze/ (zg6089)
5628	%
5629	Parents who pretend not to be able to find their children during hide and seek aren’t doing them any favors if a burglar ends up breaking into the house.
5630
5631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfldg/parents_who_pretend_not_to_be_able_to_find_their/ (hicksie51)
5632	%
5633	No matter how many times you slice an apple it is still an apple slide. Try that with an orange and you’ll ruin your day. Just compared apples and oranges, gonna cry
5634
5635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfked/no_matter_how_many_times_you_slice_an_apple_it_is/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5636	%
5637	When roosters cock a doodledo in the morning it must feeling fucking AWESOME
5638
5639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfjv3/when_roosters_cock_a_doodledo_in_the_morning_it/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5640	%
5641	Impoverished folks are the most likely to need health care and the least likely to be able to pay for it.
5642
5643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfjpr/impoverished_folks_are_the_most_likely_to_need/ (wompt)
5644	%
5645	Public toilets are very rarely not covered in piss
5646
5647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfjnv/public_toilets_are_very_rarely_not_covered_in_piss/ (definitelyged)
5648	%
5649	"It seems to be coming apart at the seams out at sea, don't you see?" would sound more confusing when said out loud.
5650
5651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfjm4/it_seems_to_be_coming_apart_at_the_seams_out_at/ (Samurott_Studios)
5652	%
5653	Life is Pac-Man, you just keep walking and chomping in life, trying to get those little white dots before the ghost catch you and sell you on way fair
5654
5655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfj76/life_is_pacman_you_just_keep_walking_and_chomping/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5656	%
5657	Vanilla ice cream ChocoTacos technically have beans
5658
5659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfi8v/vanilla_ice_cream_chocotacos_technically_have/ (bhendel)
5660	%
5661	Bob Iger must feel like the guy who invested in the Death Star.
5662
5663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfhwe/bob_iger_must_feel_like_the_guy_who_invested_in/ (camdensparks)
5664	%
5665	Whoever told Helen Keller about sight and hearing prolly made her feel bad.
5666
5667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfgex/whoever_told_helen_keller_about_sight_and_hearing/ (RichieKYT)
5668	%
5669	Someone can sprinkle dust on everything in their house and tell their spouse that they dusted the whole house.
5670
5671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfg1o/someone_can_sprinkle_dust_on_everything_in_their/ (HHamdanOTT)
5672	%
5673	If you cannot see a child and it’s screaming, it’s very hard to tell if it’s just playing or being murdered
5674
5675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfg0o/if_you_cannot_see_a_child_and_its_screaming_its/ (RoboticUnicornNose)
5676	%
5677	Willy Wonka is Saw for kids.
5678
5679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfe99/willy_wonka_is_saw_for_kids/ (Treesho)
5680	%
5681	If you have a dog in your house and you drop food, the five-second-rule is no longer a worry.
5682
5683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfe67/if_you_have_a_dog_in_your_house_and_you_drop_food/ (Dylvision)
5684	%
5685	Checking the strategy for games is similar as watching spoiler for movies; once you master the game , you have no more fun except grinding.
5686
5687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfdwe/checking_the_strategy_for_games_is_similar_as/ (PhD3DP)
5688	%
5689	Alfred said that some men just want to watch the world burn. He was right when the Joker lit the multi-billion dollar money pyramid on fire, just to do it.
5690
5691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfd71/alfred_said_that_some_men_just_want_to_watch_the/ (alternativespecs)
5692	%
5693	Everyone is afraid to talk about sex until someone balls up and says something. Then people just go wild.
5694
5695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfbgz/everyone_is_afraid_to_talk_about_sex_until/ (Sultan_Am)
5696	%
5697	One of the major challenges of adulthood is doing things that you don’t want to do.
5698
5699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfate/one_of_the_major_challenges_of_adulthood_is_doing/ (Kiss_my_asthma69)
5700	%
5701	People in the future might think Mount Rushmore happened naturally.
5702
5703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxfare/people_in_the_future_might_think_mount_rushmore/ (camdensparks)
5704	%
5705	At some point something had to create itself in order for everything to exist
5706
5707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf9ge/at_some_point_something_had_to_create_itself_in/ (BeardedNomad511)
5708	%
5709	Telling somebody that you’re a secret agent will always be a lie
5710
5711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf88w/telling_somebody_that_youre_a_secret_agent_will/ (Aegis4521)
5712	%
5713	Humanity needs, because we want. If we didn't want so much, we wouldn't need so much.
5714
5715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf7zd/humanity_needs_because_we_want_if_we_didnt_want/ (-Masderus-)
5716	%
5717	The first people to use marijuana probably cooked with it thinking it was a spice and were really confused why they were so high for hours on end afterward
5718
5719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf5hl/the_first_people_to_use_marijuana_probably_cooked/ ([deleted])
5720	%
5721	Watching videos on a smartphone is comforting even when you could be watching the big TV in front of you
5722
5723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf3qc/watching_videos_on_a_smartphone_is_comforting/ (TransientOscillation)
5724	%
5725	Everyone’s life has a climactic moment and everything after that will be less interesting.
5726
5727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf2wf/everyones_life_has_a_climactic_moment_and/ (Vatvo)
5728	%
5729	Smartphones low key took over the flashlight industry, and no one’s even talking about it
5730
5731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxf0t3/smartphones_low_key_took_over_the_flashlight/ (guminhyeok)
5732	%
5733	People that go to work with flu symptoms are the same kind of people that would hide a zombie bite.
5734
5735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxezhq/people_that_go_to_work_with_flu_symptoms_are_the/ (The_Bratheist)
5736	%
5737	You can tie a tie but not bow a bow.
5738
5739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeyuj/you_can_tie_a_tie_but_not_bow_a_bow/ ([deleted])
5740	%
5741	if you are gay and bullied, you are not happy therefore you are not gay.
5742
5743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxey2g/if_you_are_gay_and_bullied_you_are_not_happy/ (Snekyk)
5744	%
5745	For a very brief moment, when you toss a rock into the ocean you create an island.
5746
5747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxexqc/for_a_very_brief_moment_when_you_toss_a_rock_into/ (harlsey)
5748	%
5749	Vegans spend more money on preparing tofu than it costs for a 6 oz steak
5750
5751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxewge/vegans_spend_more_money_on_preparing_tofu_than_it/ (king_noble)
5752	%
5753	The idea of immortality is much more terrifying than our certain death
5754
5755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeug0/the_idea_of_immortality_is_much_more_terrifying/ (SpartanSeal327)
5756	%
5757	There are probably a good amount of teachers out there who read at the same level as their students
5758
5759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeu2p/there_are_probably_a_good_amount_of_teachers_out/ ([deleted])
5760	%
5761	Oil comes from fossils of animals we will never see in person
5762
5763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxet5b/oil_comes_from_fossils_of_animals_we_will_never/ (king_noble)
5764	%
5765	Grape nuts aren't grapes nor nuts
5766
5767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeqx3/grape_nuts_arent_grapes_nor_nuts/ (king_noble)
5768	%
5769	In Aladdin, Aladdin could've bypassed the three rules by wishing for no rules, then for more wishes.
5770
5771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeqgi/in_aladdin_aladdin_couldve_bypassed_the_three/ (5minusone)
5772	%
5773	Animals could have a type of "n word" that we don't know of yet.
5774
5775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxep2w/animals_could_have_a_type_of_n_word_that_we_dont/ (X_NonTron)
5776	%
5777	The feeling the day after blacking out with alcohol and ambien must be like what werewolves go through after a full moon.
5778
5779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeopb/the_feeling_the_day_after_blacking_out_with/ (nanocyte)
5780	%
5781	The most unaffectionate thing a dog can do is be affectionate when they are wet
5782
5783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeoe3/the_most_unaffectionate_thing_a_dog_can_do_is_be/ (going-on-empty)
5784	%
5785	Whoever invented the trumpet must have thought making fart sounds was music.
5786
5787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxen9g/whoever_invented_the_trumpet_must_have_thought/ (andyn16h)
5788	%
5789	We have each personally been responsible for the deaths of over a billion different lifeforms during our lifetime
5790
5791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxemrl/we_have_each_personally_been_responsible_for_the/ ([deleted])
5792	%
5793	After failure comes success but nobody says 100% failure guaranteed, everyone wants to keep sounding good while truth is something else
5794
5795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxem4q/after_failure_comes_success_but_nobody_says_100/ ([deleted])
5796	%
5797	The opposite of ketchup is throw down
5798
5799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxelow/the_opposite_of_ketchup_is_throw_down/ (TXheathen)
5800	%
5801	There’s a point in a TV show’s lifespan where they stop wondering if celebrities will come on and start wondering when
5802
5803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxejqo/theres_a_point_in_a_tv_shows_lifespan_where_they/ (Sombrero_Dog)
5804	%
5805	There is oxygen in space, it’s just super spread out.
5806
5807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeixj/there_is_oxygen_in_space_its_just_super_spread_out/ (TheMaskedGeode)
5808	%
5809	The first humans were black
5810
5811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxehp0/the_first_humans_were_black/ (N_Paganini_1782)
5812	%
5813	Everything t and everyone has a flavor
5814
5815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeh59/everything_t_and_everyone_has_a_flavor/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5816	%
5817	No one ever brushes their teeth laying down.
5818
5819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxegfl/no_one_ever_brushes_their_teeth_laying_down/ (ButWithEdits)
5820	%
5821	Every food ingredient tastes good with tomato, except for drinks
5822
5823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxegby/every_food_ingredient_tastes_good_with_tomato/ (Vanadium_Milk)
5824	%
5825	Connect 4 is tic-tac-toe but larger
5826
5827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeerw/connect_4_is_tictactoe_but_larger/ (Fire_Boogaloo)
5828	%
5829	Nowadays, it is almost rude to ask a question instead of Googling it first
5830
5831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeejw/nowadays_it_is_almost_rude_to_ask_a_question/ ([deleted])
5832	%
5833	You have probably walked past somebody you have talked to on the internet without realizing it.
5834
5835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxee7v/you_have_probably_walked_past_somebody_you_have/ (Zombiepixlz-gamr)
5836	%
5837	The younger sibling is always wrong according to older siblings
5838
5839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxee5n/the_younger_sibling_is_always_wrong_according_to/ (floppy-the-whale)
5840	%
5841	Thanks to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, some of us may have come across the farts of our ancestors.
5842
5843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxecdp/thanks_to_the_2nd_law_of_thermodynamics_some_of/ (Maryshka_)
5844	%
5845	Mowing the lawn feels better with a gun just in case
5846
5847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxec4n/mowing_the_lawn_feels_better_with_a_gun_just_in/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5848	%
5849	The opposite of toes is fingers
5850
5851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxebfp/the_opposite_of_toes_is_fingers/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5852	%
5853	The opposite of less much is more little.
5854
5855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeb5e/the_opposite_of_less_much_is_more_little/ (welcometothebakeryy)
5856	%
5857	Buy a tanning bed for yourself and you’re popular and shiny. Buy a tanning bed your your son, your baby boy, and suddenly you are deemed an ethically questionable person at the next community meeting
5858
5859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxeb08/buy_a_tanning_bed_for_yourself_and_youre_popular/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5860	%
5861	People with no fingers couldn’t play any instrument except bongos. People with no palms can play any instrument but bongos
5862
5863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxea9p/people_with_no_fingers_couldnt_play_any/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5864	%
5865	Sand paper isn’t good sand or paper
5866
5867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe83o/sand_paper_isnt_good_sand_or_paper/ (BigThinkNumber9)
5868	%
5869	Food looks delicious until the moment you declare it bad and then it instantly becomes disgusting
5870
5871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe7k0/food_looks_delicious_until_the_moment_you_declare/ (dakdow)
5872	%
5873	Nepotism is frowned upon, but being “family owned and operated” for generations is something businesses brag about
5874
5875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe799/nepotism_is_frowned_upon_but_being_family_owned/ (feliscumpleanos)
5876	%
5877	This thought was posted from the shower to prove a point to a dumbass.
5878
5879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe6w1/this_thought_was_posted_from_the_shower_to_prove/ (thef-ckyoucantgive)
5880	%
5881	There is no measure scale for smells.
5882
5883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe6d6/there_is_no_measure_scale_for_smells/ (Chrysiogenes)
5884	%
5885	Birthdays are good for your health. The more of them you have, the longer your life will last.
5886
5887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe65z/birthdays_are_good_for_your_health_the_more_of/ (EthanHawkward)
5888	%
5889	Guys have their happiness stored in their balls. That's why they feel really happy before climax but a little empty inside after ejaculating
5890
5891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe5tt/guys_have_their_happiness_stored_in_their_balls/ (YouTubeLawyer1)
5892	%
5893	“Ready, Player One” is a prequel to “The Matrix”
5894
5895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe5sr/ready_player_one_is_a_prequel_to_the_matrix/ (Mdgt_Pope)
5896	%
5897	Your body is a 3D printer, and your DNA is the blueprint.
5898
5899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe20w/your_body_is_a_3d_printer_and_your_dna_is_the/ (Th3L10nsR0ar09)
5900	%
5901	People born in years that end in zero are probably worse at math because of less experience
5902
5903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe1xm/people_born_in_years_that_end_in_zero_are/ (dollar_signTexas)
5904	%
5905	We have the most inspiration when we have least things to see, e.g., before sleep, or even during sleep.
5906
5907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe1fq/we_have_the_most_inspiration_when_we_have_least/ (PhD3DP)
5908	%
5909	It sucks that all drinks except for water are filled either with sugar, sodium, syrup or alcohol...
5910
5911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxe0bc/it_sucks_that_all_drinks_except_for_water_are/ (NightRaven1122)
5912	%
5913	If we put a mirror really far into space we’d see dinosaurs
5914
5915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxduwr/if_we_put_a_mirror_really_far_into_space_wed_see/ (ben-dover69your-nan-)
5916	%
5917	Standing at Mt Everest at night you could be the furthest person away from the sun.
5918
5919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxduo2/standing_at_mt_everest_at_night_you_could_be_the/ (SoepjesKoekjes)
5920	%
5921	In the X-men universe there’s probably a couple forecasters who ask storm how she’s feeling before reporting the weather.
5922
5923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdsqk/in_the_xmen_universe_theres_probably_a_couple/ (kingquan611)
5924	%
5925	People protesting against what you believe in make great backdrops for photos
5926
5927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxds83/people_protesting_against_what_you_believe_in/ (kb9316)
5928	%
5929	Marijuana is criminal. Driving a tank is not criminal.
5930
5931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdqi2/marijuana_is_criminal_driving_a_tank_is_not/ (YouTubeLawyer1)
5932	%
5933	Chicken restaurants accept one type of tender for another.
5934
5935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdpph/chicken_restaurants_accept_one_type_of_tender_for/ (DrAwkward404)
5936	%
5937	Canadians take maple syrup completely for granted. They actually pour the souvenir on their food.
5938
5939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdog1/canadians_take_maple_syrup_completely_for_granted/ (Macnrayna)
5940	%
5941	A good bass solo uses chords rather than single notes. A good guitar solo single notes rather than chords.
5942
5943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdo4v/a_good_bass_solo_uses_chords_rather_than_single/ (Elephant_Banana)
5944	%
5945	Someday, your picture may be used on sites accusing you of crimes you never did, and people are going to believe it.
5946
5947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdnjc/someday_your_picture_may_be_used_on_sites/ ([deleted])
5948	%
5949	It is nearly impossible to post an original thought here.
5950
5951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdlrb/it_is_nearly_impossible_to_post_an_original/ (why-wwhynot)
5952	%
5953	Chocolate and vanilla are considered opposites because of their colours, not flavours
5954
5955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdkyt/chocolate_and_vanilla_are_considered_opposites/ (Shrek_inthe_mirror)
5956	%
5957	Most kids in Kindergarten can't spell kindergarten.
5958
5959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdjzu/most_kids_in_kindergarten_cant_spell_kindergarten/ (EaterOfYourSOUL)
5960	%
5961	It is possible that, since dolphins from separate regions can talk to one another, they might have accents
5962
5963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdij8/it_is_possible_that_since_dolphins_from_separate/ (Ep1cman152)
5964	%
5965	People fill their cars with gas before storms to drive against the wind. 70mph winds are nothing if you drive 70mph as a counterattack.
5966
5967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdhwh/people_fill_their_cars_with_gas_before_storms_to/ (PocketfulOfFart)
5968	%
5969	Finger and toe nails are weird.
5970
5971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdfma/finger_and_toe_nails_are_weird/ (dagman2000)
5972	%
5973	Meeting someone new will never be the same
5974
5975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdfcm/meeting_someone_new_will_never_be_the_same/ ([deleted])
5976	%
5977	An umbrella in use is the opposite of a showerhead.
5978
5979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdebh/an_umbrella_in_use_is_the_opposite_of_a_showerhead/ (DrAwkward404)
5980	%
5981	Hypnotizing is brain hacking.
5982
5983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxddir/hypnotizing_is_brain_hacking/ (Revolyze)
5984	%
5985	Future generations are going to have so many good movies to watch.
5986
5987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxddgx/future_generations_are_going_to_have_so_many_good/ (TheReinsofFullnight)
5988	%
5989	Gru kidnapped Sokka's girlfriend
5990
5991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxdahj/gru_kidnapped_sokkas_girlfriend/ (Why554535)
5992	%
5993	I'd like to see an new and unknown, unlikable and serious musician make songs and videos that dramatize Weird Al's works.
5994
5995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd9ff/id_like_to_see_an_new_and_unknown_unlikable_and/ (gregbard)
5996	%
5997	If you ever chipped a tooth or had a dentist drill it technically you've broken a bone.
5998
5999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd96g/if_you_ever_chipped_a_tooth_or_had_a_dentist/ (ekkohyung)
6000	%
6001	We sit IN chairs, but ON couches.
6002
6003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd8ol/we_sit_in_chairs_but_on_couches/ (DJMOONPICKLES69)
6004	%
6005	It is a possibility that our default state is asleep and we wake up every morning to gather information for our dreams.
6006
6007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd84y/it_is_a_possibility_that_our_default_state_is/ (Ak171)
6008	%
6009	the fatter you get, the deeper your belly button goes.
6010
6011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd6wv/the_fatter_you_get_the_deeper_your_belly_button/ (pastell_soelli)
6012	%
6013	Amazon went from boring to exciting, then back too boring.
6014
6015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd6tp/amazon_went_from_boring_to_exciting_then_back_too/ (DirtyPandaBoi)
6016	%
6017	Alcohol is a much worse substance than a standard soft drink, but for some reason they don't have to be as transparent with the nutritional information
6018
6019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd5oe/alcohol_is_a_much_worse_substance_than_a_standard/ (pathemar)
6020	%
6021	Pinky was really the genius while Brain was insane.
6022
6023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd454/pinky_was_really_the_genius_while_brain_was_insane/ (Anthonybrose)
6024	%
6025	It's sad that people are more surprised by random kindness than nastiness.
6026
6027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd357/its_sad_that_people_are_more_surprised_by_random/ (GrizzledTheGrizzly)
6028	%
6029	We all still live without knowing why
6030
6031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd31l/we_all_still_live_without_knowing_why/ (afilipinoweeb)
6032	%
6033	If a dishwasher is empty it is not clean or dirty.
6034
6035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd23d/if_a_dishwasher_is_empty_it_is_not_clean_or_dirty/ (ieatbabiessueme)
6036	%
6037	Fun fact: Most of the fun facts are not funny at all.
6038
6039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd1en/fun_fact_most_of_the_fun_facts_are_not_funny_at/ (combineallgoodnames)
6040	%
6041	Being a good wizard in Harry Potter basically comes down to your knowledge of Latin
6042
6043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxd189/being_a_good_wizard_in_harry_potter_basically/ (YouTubeLawyer1)
6044	%
6045	You don't have a skeleton inside of you. You're just a brain controlling a skeleton with meat armor.
6046
6047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcxc2/you_dont_have_a_skeleton_inside_of_you_youre_just/ ([deleted])
6048	%
6049	At the wedding everyone (aside from the children) knows exactly what the bride and the groom are gonna do after it but no one talks about it
6050
6051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcwzt/at_the_wedding_everyone_aside_from_the_children/ (Pancakeinator11)
6052	%
6053	Crash Bandicoot is a game where Crash is so good at doing front flips that he does them all game.
6054
6055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcwfe/crash_bandicoot_is_a_game_where_crash_is_so_good/ (morocapri)
6056	%
6057	Protesting is society’s way of talking to the manager.
6058
6059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcw4a/protesting_is_societys_way_of_talking_to_the/ (churniglow)
6060	%
6061	If the two imperial dudes on the star destroyer would have blasted the escape pod at the beginning of a new hope, the whole story would have been over before it began...pennywise dollar stupid.
6062
6063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcu85/if_the_two_imperial_dudes_on_the_star_destroyer/ (malicegarden)
6064	%
6065	Los Santos power grid has the same power consumption as the system it's playing on.
6066
6067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxctui/los_santos_power_grid_has_the_same_power/ (zuwiboiii)
6068	%
6069	Ass is as important as mouth.
6070
6071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcs2l/ass_is_as_important_as_mouth/ (PhD3DP)
6072	%
6073	Blind people have the only disability where it’s not offensive to stare at them
6074
6075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcrpx/blind_people_have_the_only_disability_where_its/ ([deleted])
6076	%
6077	Most people do a sort of ”idle animation” when they are bored and standing still.
6078
6079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcquo/most_people_do_a_sort_of_idle_animation_when_they/ (Robocop65)
6080	%
6081	If you can record and offer all the website links you have surfed to the person who needs them, you will become a very resourceful person.
6082
6083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcp6a/if_you_can_record_and_offer_all_the_website_links/ (PhD3DP)
6084	%
6085	The lobsters they had in the Kitchen of the Titanic must have been so relieved.
6086
6087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcolh/the_lobsters_they_had_in_the_kitchen_of_the/ (VaultHunter666)
6088	%
6089	Considering that the chicken evolved from dinosaurs dinosaur chicken nuggets probably taste pretty close to actual dinosaurs
6090
6091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcnxx/considering_that_the_chicken_evolved_from/ (rosegirlkrb)
6092	%
6093	Nothing smells better than free cocaine
6094
6095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcnnw/nothing_smells_better_than_free_cocaine/ (ShaunaRocks)
6096	%
6097	A blind person would think they had a perfectly normal life if nobody ever told them they were blind.
6098
6099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcn4k/a_blind_person_would_think_they_had_a_perfectly/ (ZackAshM)
6100	%
6101	Having a person who you want to hear from is as important as having a person who you want to talk to.
6102
6103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxckrc/having_a_person_who_you_want_to_hear_from_is_as/ (PhD3DP)
6104	%
6105	Touching a mouse the right way can make you millions.
6106
6107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxckov/touching_a_mouse_the_right_way_can_make_you/ (Gary_October)
6108	%
6109	Art always depicts rainbows against blue skies but in reality they’re usually against dark grey clouds.
6110
6111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxckb3/art_always_depicts_rainbows_against_blue_skies/ (jayellkay84)
6112	%
6113	The gear handle in Bumblebee's vehicle form could possibly be his dick
6114
6115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxck9c/the_gear_handle_in_bumblebees_vehicle_form_could/ (egg_on_my_spaghet)
6116	%
6117	Designing Transformers must be both the hardest yet most enjoyable job ever.
6118
6119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcjrj/designing_transformers_must_be_both_the_hardest/ (egg_on_my_spaghet)
6120	%
6121	Someone Who Is Really Unattractive Can Also Be Considered a" Head Turner"
6122
6123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcjnq/someone_who_is_really_unattractive_can_also_be/ (NUTTYN)
6124	%
6125	You never really know how many people are looking at you with their peripheral vision
6126
6127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcjjj/you_never_really_know_how_many_people_are_looking/ (-google-was-my-idea-)
6128	%
6129	Once we become an interplanetary species we will have to discard years to count our age and use hours.
6130
6131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxci2w/once_we_become_an_interplanetary_species_we_will/ ([deleted])
6132	%
6133	Since our brains operate using electrical signals, firebenders from Avatar could control thoughts.
6134
6135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcha2/since_our_brains_operate_using_electrical_signals/ (Complex_doughnut)
6136	%
6137	Hail is spicy rain
6138
6139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcfin/hail_is_spicy_rain/ (randomdude712)
6140	%
6141	Schools are to Wikipedia as Caesar is to the Library of Alexandria
6142
6143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcf9h/schools_are_to_wikipedia_as_caesar_is_to_the/ (A1b2c4d3h9)
6144	%
6145	If one day we discover how to stop aging, people might accidentally have sex with their grandparent
6146
6147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcd1u/if_one_day_we_discover_how_to_stop_aging_people/ (szczebrzeszyszynka)
6148	%
6149	If you're a multi billionaire, you could probably hire any game studio you want to make a AAA game to suit your own needs and fantasies
6150
6151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcb72/if_youre_a_multi_billionaire_you_could_probably/ (Rust_Shackleford)
6152	%
6153	To think that billions have people have not been rickrolled yet.
6154
6155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxcabe/to_think_that_billions_have_people_have_not_been/ (aryanoboii)
6156	%
6157	If your kid was frozen completely solid, and somebody asked what was wrong, you could tell people it’s just a phase
6158
6159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc9ji/if_your_kid_was_frozen_completely_solid_and/ ([deleted])
6160	%
6161	“Whoever did the rhyme did the crime” is possibly the most ironic statement ever.
6162
6163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc963/whoever_did_the_rhyme_did_the_crime_is_possibly/ (get_noob)
6164	%
6165	It is both a wonderful and a terrible thing to realise that you enjoy grocery shopping.
6166
6167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc95u/it_is_both_a_wonderful_and_a_terrible_thing_to/ (Xander_Cloud)
6168	%
6169	Removing the e, y, and p from empty in chronological order results in saying empty no matter what.
6170
6171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc8w3/removing_the_e_y_and_p_from_empty_in/ (Shawakamigo)
6172	%
6173	Amy Whinehouse would have recorded one hell of a good Christmas album
6174
6175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc8ad/amy_whinehouse_would_have_recorded_one_hell_of_a/ (bowlsofhoney)
6176	%
6177	Nbdy gt tm fr vwls.
6178
6179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc6xw/nbdy_gt_tm_fr_vwls/ (Gary_October)
6180	%
6181	We could create a never ending gas supply for cooking and heating if we could bottle farts
6182
6183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc6cd/we_could_create_a_never_ending_gas_supply_for/ (gaggleofllama)
6184	%
6185	In the NBA 2K universe, game graphics are extremely realistic.
6186
6187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc63h/in_the_nba_2k_universe_game_graphics_are/ (AndresLV278)
6188	%
6189	The longest word in English is “Smiles”, there is a mile between the two S’s.
6190
6191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc4ox/the_longest_word_in_english_is_smiles_there_is_a/ (hendriklopez)
6192	%
6193	Ants are nature’s simps.
6194
6195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc41s/ants_are_natures_simps/ (Dracovnic)
6196	%
6197	A sharp knife can cut anything but never itself
6198
6199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc3w6/a_sharp_knife_can_cut_anything_but_never_itself/ (JBaker68)
6200	%
6201	The day humans no longer fear the unknown is the day that horror has fully died
6202
6203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc2yr/the_day_humans_no_longer_fear_the_unknown_is_the/ (Koifish_Coyote)
6204	%
6205	Must be really frustrating for dogs, they just grow their claws to the right length to get that good itch and then they're cut off
6206
6207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc2ea/must_be_really_frustrating_for_dogs_they_just/ (Mrmyke00)
6208	%
6209	A few years ago, a woman in India died and she was the last speaker of the language "Bo" and noe very close and neither very far, one day someone will die as the last speaker of "English".
6210
6211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc1hb/a_few_years_ago_a_woman_in_india_died_and_she_was/ ([deleted])
6212	%
6213	Those who make the “fine-tuned universe” argument in support of an omniscient and benevolent creator also tend to support industries that dump gigatons of CO2 into the atmosphere, disrupting that tuning, and a seeming affront to their creator’s creation.
6214
6215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc0qw/those_who_make_the_finetuned_universe_argument_in/ ([deleted])
6216	%
6217	Most wireless devices aren't.
6218
6219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxc0mw/most_wireless_devices_arent/ (darth_faader)
6220	%
6221	Wine is to grapes what ginger ale is to ginger, fancy juice
6222
6223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbzm4/wine_is_to_grapes_what_ginger_ale_is_to_ginger/ (pandaboiiiiiiiiiiiii)
6224	%
6225	We are spiderwebs of nerves
6226
6227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbzf5/we_are_spiderwebs_of_nerves/ (Alastiana)
6228	%
6229	Dogs can't sweat, but hotdogs can.
6230
6231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbz7v/dogs_cant_sweat_but_hotdogs_can/ (BucolicVirusOfLife)
6232	%
6233	Amazon Packages are Loot Boxes to Amnesiacs
6234
6235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbyur/amazon_packages_are_loot_boxes_to_amnesiacs/ (PixelHearts04)
6236	%
6237	Your stomach is always full of warm vomit
6238
6239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbycl/your_stomach_is_always_full_of_warm_vomit/ ([deleted])
6240	%
6241	There are warm clothes for winter but there are no cold clothes for summer. Warm clothes or warm weather clothes.
6242
6243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbuxx/there_are_warm_clothes_for_winter_but_there_are/ (PaleLetonian)
6244	%
6245	In space, darkness travels faster than light because it’s everywhere.
6246
6247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbu0r/in_space_darkness_travels_faster_than_light/ (Semi-Spicy)
6248	%
6249	If women are even the slightest bit attractive they can pick and choose men on dating apps, but the men take what they can get...
6250
6251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbtw2/if_women_are_even_the_slightest_bit_attractive/ (MrValkyrie1)
6252	%
6253	Conspiracy theorists have never felt so safe in their lives!
6254
6255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbtl0/conspiracy_theorists_have_never_felt_so_safe_in/ (tinyTpots)
6256	%
6257	If You Try Hard Enough, A Bong Would Make A Incredible Cup
6258
6259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbt3h/if_you_try_hard_enough_a_bong_would_make_a/ (White-boy-Asian)
6260	%
6261	You know how old an animal is in NYC by how much it ignores people.
6262
6263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbt1q/you_know_how_old_an_animal_is_in_nyc_by_how_much/ (TheRealBaconBrian)
6264	%
6265	When you fly, you are buried in air. When you are on the ground, you are still buried in air. When you are in water, you are technically buried in air.
6266
6267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbsv6/when_you_fly_you_are_buried_in_air_when_you_are/ (CoachFarted)
6268	%
6269	When you kill one bug, you potentially kill infinite numbers of it.
6270
6271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbsmi/when_you_kill_one_bug_you_potentially_kill/ (existenceispain888)
6272	%
6273	The chances of a stray laser from a space battle hitting earth are small but not zero.
6274
6275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbsmb/the_chances_of_a_stray_laser_from_a_space_battle/ (peeplandia)
6276	%
6277	If you think you are smarter than Albert Einstein or Steven Hawking, then you could be either really smart or really dumb
6278
6279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbs8u/if_you_think_you_are_smarter_than_albert_einstein/ ([deleted])
6280	%
6281	Sperm is easy to get out of sheets and cloths, but difficult to get completely out of your mouth.
6282
6283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbs6n/sperm_is_easy_to_get_out_of_sheets_and_cloths_but/ ([deleted])
6284	%
6285	If you think you are smarter than Albert Einstein or Steven Hawking, then you could be either really smart or really dumb
6286
6287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbs6c/if_you_think_you_are_smarter_than_albert_einstein/ (JonnyCozYNot)
6288	%
6289	Mr. Watterson is the kids cartoon version of Peter Griffin
6290
6291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbrg5/mr_watterson_is_the_kids_cartoon_version_of_peter/ (NFS_Tyrone)
6292	%
6293	Ever just blank out and forget you exist for a second
6294
6295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbr3p/ever_just_blank_out_and_forget_you_exist_for_a/ (bnhhu)
6296	%
6297	If you ask Rick Astley to give you the movie Up he can't do it because he will never give you up but in doing so he will let you down. So it creates a everlasting paradox
6298
6299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbqgf/if_you_ask_rick_astley_to_give_you_the_movie_up/ ([deleted])
6300	%
6301	Think of how many times your car alarm has sounded without you ever knowing about it.
6302
6303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbq45/think_of_how_many_times_your_car_alarm_has/ (CranberrySludge)
6304	%
6305	We Live In The Same World As People Who Decided To Cut Loaves Of Bread Into UNEVEN AMOUNTS OF SLICES
6306
6307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbpnx/we_live_in_the_same_world_as_people_who_decided/ (LobotomisedRedditor)
6308	%
6309	"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" Does not take into account masochists.
6310
6311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxblzb/do_unto_others_as_you_would_have_them_do_unto_you/ (NjalUlf)
6312	%
6313	In music, the notes C and F simultaneously create a 4th and a 5th.
6314
6315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxblt1/in_music_the_notes_c_and_f_simultaneously_create/ (InsertStephenHere)
6316	%
6317	People living in Los Angeles and New York must be the only people on earth who don’t get excited when their hometown appears on in TV or film.
6318
6319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbl2y/people_living_in_los_angeles_and_new_york_must_be/ (OnMeFone)
6320	%
6321	General grievous would probably kick ass in harry potter.
6322
6323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbkp5/general_grievous_would_probably_kick_ass_in_harry/ (zuwiboiii)
6324	%
6325	Once you learn how to read a language, you will never be able to see it as gibberish again.
6326
6327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbk71/once_you_learn_how_to_read_a_language_you_will/ (LovePeaceHealth)
6328	%
6329	JoJo went from british guy fighting vampires to florida man resets the universe
6330
6331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbiaf/jojo_went_from_british_guy_fighting_vampires_to/ (cash_money_godzilla)
6332	%
6333	One can only rickroll a person, who knows what a rickroll is. If they don't know, you simply made them watch a random video from their perspective.
6334
6335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbhv3/one_can_only_rickroll_a_person_who_knows_what_a/ (3nc0der)
6336	%
6337	Red velvet tastes like chocolate with strawberry
6338
6339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbg9f/red_velvet_tastes_like_chocolate_with_strawberry/ (crigon559)
6340	%
6341	You just don’t think about your own bones even if you see a skeleton on tv.
6342
6343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbfvw/you_just_dont_think_about_your_own_bones_even_if/ (lurklurkpostlurkpost)
6344	%
6345	We were all the youngest person alive at the beginning of our lives
6346
6347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbfkr/we_were_all_the_youngest_person_alive_at_the/ (Mborg15202)
6348	%
6349	You leave your watch on the counter but you watch the counter in case things get misplaced. Meanwhile your watch counts.
6350
6351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbf2f/you_leave_your_watch_on_the_counter_but_you_watch/ (KhuntyMcKhunthles)
6352	%
6353	When you produce a new child, the chances of you becoming a millionaire increase ever so slightly
6354
6355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbdgy/when_you_produce_a_new_child_the_chances_of_you/ (gcnHNYqvzB637fYQvQDt)
6356	%
6357	If all social media platfirms suddenly shut down it could completely halt society.
6358
6359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbddc/if_all_social_media_platfirms_suddenly_shut_down/ (ManCrisp)
6360	%
6361	Centaurs probably slap their own asses to go faster
6362
6363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbc3w/centaurs_probably_slap_their_own_asses_to_go/ (DareToDaredevil)
6364	%
6365	The Irish joining the French Commonwealth shows that their squabbles with the English is pure pettiness.
6366
6367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxbae7/the_irish_joining_the_french_commonwealth_shows/ (BasicRedditor1997)
6368	%
6369	Copy + Paste is the ABCs of Computer Language
6370
6371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxba4q/copy_paste_is_the_abcs_of_computer_language/ (0Stasis)
6372	%
6373	Most of the things we used to think of as monsters were just normal animals from different parts of the world. Dragons were probably just crocodiles or something.
6374
6375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb9va/most_of_the_things_we_used_to_think_of_as/ (AZS9994)
6376	%
6377	A death certificate is a participation award/trophy that you get after you die for living your life.
6378
6379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb8yo/a_death_certificate_is_a_participation/ (Duck_in_a_Toaster)
6380	%
6381	We thought the internet would enlighten us but it’s leading us into another dark ages
6382
6383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb7o1/we_thought_the_internet_would_enlighten_us_but/ (beardedgandaulf)
6384	%
6385	If the human life span were greater, the technology of the sixties could have gotten us anywhere in the universe.
6386
6387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb6pf/if_the_human_life_span_were_greater_the/ (IMoonGoon)
6388	%
6389	Cars in space have a zero fatality rate compare to cars on earth.
6390
6391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb6jr/cars_in_space_have_a_zero_fatality_rate_compare/ (zuwiboiii)
6392	%
6393	Bill Gates is so well-known, he could probably just show up in anybody's living room and invite himself to dinner.
6394
6395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb5xo/bill_gates_is_so_wellknown_he_could_probably_just/ (Catalysten)
6396	%
6397	You wear shoes when they're tied on, you hold flip flops with your toes, but you carry slide-style sandals.
6398
6399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb174/you_wear_shoes_when_theyre_tied_on_you_hold_flip/ (To_Circumvent)
6400	%
6401	Realizing that birthdays are celebrated but when it happens we get closer to death
6402
6403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb0x8/realizing_that_birthdays_are_celebrated_but_when/ (kaizkie)
6404	%
6405	Leaves can have a skeleton but they don't have any bones.
6406
6407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxb06t/leaves_can_have_a_skeleton_but_they_dont_have_any/ (Doot-Kid)
6408	%
6409	You can never remember something perfectly
6410
6411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaxns/you_can_never_remember_something_perfectly/ (baldmonki)
6412	%
6413	If you're being chased by a serial killer you're both running for your life
6414
6415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaxna/if_youre_being_chased_by_a_serial_killer_youre/ ([deleted])
6416	%
6417	Siren Head IRL would probably be an autistic person's worst nightmare.
6418
6419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxawzw/siren_head_irl_would_probably_be_an_autistic/ (Professor_Bookman)
6420	%
6421	It’s oddly difficult to draw an accurate self portrait from memory considering how often we look at ourselves in mirrors and pictures.
6422
6423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxawfg/its_oddly_difficult_to_draw_an_accurate_self/ (SailingTheMilkyWay)
6424	%
6425	Every Harry Potter book had the same plot twist; “things are not what they appear because... MAGIC!”
6426
6427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxavts/every_harry_potter_book_had_the_same_plot_twist/ (sachsrandy)
6428	%
6429	The world's smartest person must know all levels of stupidity.
6430
6431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxavat/the_worlds_smartest_person_must_know_all_levels/ (zuwiboiii)
6432	%
6433	We’ve conditioned ourselves in the likes of Pavlov’s dog to the sounds of our phones notifications.
6434
6435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxasns/weve_conditioned_ourselves_in_the_likes_of/ (rob_macabre)
6436	%
6437	Ghost rider couldn't penance stare a blind person.
6438
6439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxarq8/ghost_rider_couldnt_penance_stare_a_blind_person/ (zuwiboiii)
6440	%
6441	There’s a master disc for every TV laugh-track recording.
6442
6443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxapvr/theres_a_master_disc_for_every_tv_laughtrack/ (PrizeBudget)
6444	%
6445	Everything in life has an equal chance of either happening or not happening.
6446
6447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaowh/everything_in_life_has_an_equal_chance_of_either/ (Another_Ravenclaw)
6448	%
6449	We could solve overpopulation if we figured out a way to safely live in Antartica.
6450
6451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaixf/we_could_solve_overpopulation_if_we_figured_out_a/ (Scrublord00)
6452	%
6453	Cameras can take a still photo of people moving at high speeds in a roller coaster, but can’t take a clear picture of a burglar.
6454
6455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaiqg/cameras_can_take_a_still_photo_of_people_moving/ (NASCARBoss1018)
6456	%
6457	Nobody ever figured out that since women get paid 70 cents on the dollar for doing the same work, if they just hire women only they'd immediately dominate the market through price competition.
6458
6459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxahp8/nobody_ever_figured_out_that_since_women_get_paid/ (taxesmakemyheadhurt)
6460	%
6461	Your cat could be meowing at you because she is really a lizard trapped in a cat outfit and there’s no way to know.
6462
6463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxag53/your_cat_could_be_meowing_at_you_because_she_is/ (aliengames666)
6464	%
6465	If your up too late; you’re also up too early, but most importantly you are up too long.
6466
6467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaf61/if_your_up_too_late_youre_also_up_too_early_but/ (panda1986panda)
6468	%
6469	The Temperature of hell is somewhere between 115.2°C and 444.6°C. or brimstone (sulfur) could not exist as a molten lake (according to Revelations 21:8)
6470
6471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxae50/the_temperature_of_hell_is_somewhere_between/ (MikeW86)
6472	%
6473	You know you're adult when you have only licensed software on your PC
6474
6475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxadmt/you_know_youre_adult_when_you_have_only_licensed/ (trailblazer86)
6476	%
6477	If reincarnation is real then there exists the possibility we're all the same person.
6478
6479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxadk8/if_reincarnation_is_real_then_there_exists_the/ (_AI_BOT_)
6480	%
6481	As more and more people move to silent mode and do not disturb to appease their anxiety, ringtones and vibrate are slowly becoming a pastime for mobile phones.
6482
6483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxac34/as_more_and_more_people_move_to_silent_mode_and/ (Ceraze_)
6484	%
6485	Thinking you’re better than other people and thinking you’re worse than other people stem from the same problem: thinking you’re somehow different/unique in relationship to other people.
6486
6487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxabwu/thinking_youre_better_than_other_people_and/ ([deleted])
6488	%
6489	If you replace the W with T in when, where, and what, you get the answer for each question.
6490
6491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxabdl/if_you_replace_the_w_with_t_in_when_where_and/ (PointlessBoi69)
6492	%
6493	Whether it's used to actually put out a fire, to break a lock, or to bust someone's face in a pinch, randomly convenient fire extinguishers in action movies really don't get enough credit.
6494
6495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaat8/whether_its_used_to_actually_put_out_a_fire_to/ (Ceraze_)
6496	%
6497	Orangina is 12% juice, 2% pulp...I mix an almost full glass of freshly squeezed juice orange juice with 10% club soda MAX, and it tastes exactly the same! Orangina is true alchemy.
6498
6499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaapg/orangina_is_12_juice_2_pulpi_mix_an_almost_full/ (nightshift2525)
6500	%
6501	Whether it's used to actually put out a fire, to break a lock, or to bust someone's face in a pinch, randomly convenient fire extingusihers in action movies really don't get enough credit.
6502
6503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxaa2m/whether_its_used_to_actually_put_out_a_fire_to/ ([deleted])
6504	%
6505	Chances are, people do remember that one embarrassing moment involving you, and your paranoia is real.
6506
6507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa9in/chances_are_people_do_remember_that_one/ (Kosmosismywaifu)
6508	%
6509	Rich people singing about being rich is one of the douchiest things ever
6510
6511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa7fj/rich_people_singing_about_being_rich_is_one_of/ (Hy-phenated)
6512	%
6513	Killing two birds with one stone never specified how many times you can throw the stone.
6514
6515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa6wt/killing_two_birds_with_one_stone_never_specified/ (UnfortunateSock)
6516	%
6517	Killing two birds with one stone could be updated to killing two birds with one bullet
6518
6519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa4e4/killing_two_birds_with_one_stone_could_be_updated/ ([deleted])
6520	%
6521	All animals must have been really slow in the past and will be faster in the future because they are in an evolutionary arms race for speed.
6522
6523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa4aq/all_animals_must_have_been_really_slow_in_the/ (WalkingMyDogsLater)
6524	%
6525	Everyone likes to have a scar, but not on their face. Yet everyone likes scarface
6526
6527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa3zv/everyone_likes_to_have_a_scar_but_not_on_their/ ([deleted])
6528	%
6529	Lint from dryers tell you the average color of the things you put in the dryer
6530
6531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa3xa/lint_from_dryers_tell_you_the_average_color_of/ (CopyMyName)
6532	%
6533	Storm from the X-Men would have done more good by ending droughts and stopping tsunamis than she ever did by electrocuting rival mutants.
6534
6535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa3ii/storm_from_the_xmen_would_have_done_more_good_by/ (MostWorstAlien)
6536	%
6537	Before anesthetics, being a dentist must’ve been a nerve wrecking experience.
6538
6539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa0d2/before_anesthetics_being_a_dentist_mustve_been_a/ ([deleted])
6540	%
6541	The [unspoken] hardest part of dating is meeting the perfect person for you. Then having to accept that you might not be the perfect person for them.
6542
6543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hxa05f/the_unspoken_hardest_part_of_dating_is_meeting/ (ricopotamus)
6544	%
6545	Batman v Superman taught us is that batman's true weakness is yo mamma jokes.
6546
6547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9yvd/batman_v_superman_taught_us_is_that_batmans_true/ (zuwiboiii)
6548	%
6549	School trends are the childhood versions of mob mentality
6550
6551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9y1r/school_trends_are_the_childhood_versions_of_mob/ ([deleted])
6552	%
6553	We’d lose stuff in our homes much less often if we had a better sense of smell
6554
6555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9y0g/wed_lose_stuff_in_our_homes_much_less_often_if_we/ (jval_708)
6556	%
6557	We're walking on the immeasurable number of decomposed corpses and faeces from since the beginning of life on Earth. The organic matter in dirt.
6558
6559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9wtv/were_walking_on_the_immeasurable_number_of/ (The_Pastmaster)
6560	%
6561	By extension, in the course of your lifetime you will probably have had some impact on the lives of almost everyone in the world.
6562
6563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9wpp/by_extension_in_the_course_of_your_lifetime_you/ (compiled_vectors_)
6564	%
6565	People who go around mentioning that someone else talks a lot of shit is literally gossiping about someone gossiping
6566
6567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9wdj/people_who_go_around_mentioning_that_someone_else/ ([deleted])
6568	%
6569	There’s a chance we can communicate with plants telepathically, they just don’t have streams of thought
6570
6571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9vob/theres_a_chance_we_can_communicate_with_plants/ (probablywistful)
6572	%
6573	The 2nd biggest loser in the world is more of a loser than the 1st biggest loser
6574
6575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9upp/the_2nd_biggest_loser_in_the_world_is_more_of_a/ (Boedekn)
6576	%
6577	Most people assume they know all the rules to a game by heart until they actually go to read the rules
6578
6579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9t1k/most_people_assume_they_know_all_the_rules_to_a/ ([deleted])
6580	%
6581	pioneers won’t predict that they were going to be hated for being a subject at school.
6582
6583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9s9a/pioneers_wont_predict_that_they_were_going_to_be/ (Playrdude)
6584	%
6585	Books are the blueprint for a story that you create in your mind
6586
6587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9s57/books_are_the_blueprint_for_a_story_that_you/ (StormOfTheVoid)
6588	%
6589	Killing two birds with one stone is a very gruesome expression but it is so common that nobody ever thinks about it
6590
6591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9rzv/killing_two_birds_with_one_stone_is_a_very/ ([deleted])
6592	%
6593	Given that daredevil is a blind crime fighter, he would have been a much suitable batman.
6594
6595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9rx1/given_that_daredevil_is_a_blind_crime_fighter_he/ (zuwiboiii)
6596	%
6597	We scream when we are scared because our body wants to scare away the threat
6598
6599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9rw7/we_scream_when_we_are_scared_because_our_body/ (twumbs)
6600	%
6601	We pay if we break the rules, we pay if we get hurt. We can get everything if we have money. Money is really all we need.
6602
6603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9rj1/we_pay_if_we_break_the_rules_we_pay_if_we_get/ (cheesykartoffel)
6604	%
6605	We scream when we are scared because we want to scare away the threat
6606
6607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9qr3/we_scream_when_we_are_scared_because_we_want_to/ ([deleted])
6608	%
6609	If players hear boss music, then bosses hear player music
6610
6611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9plv/if_players_hear_boss_music_then_bosses_hear/ (TheFatPigeon12)
6612	%
6613	Birds evolved into tiny, flying T-Rexes.
6614
6615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9oqj/birds_evolved_into_tiny_flying_trexes/ (mccarthybergeron)
6616	%
6617	You know you've had a long day when you just want tomorrow to be f*cking over already
6618
6619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9o3b/you_know_youve_had_a_long_day_when_you_just_want/ (DeathDestroyer90)
6620	%
6621	Clarity is having a cleared mind. So, post-nut clarity must be that your sexual thoughts are cleared, so the more of those thoughts you have, the greater your clarity will be
6622
6623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9nvd/clarity_is_having_a_cleared_mind_so_postnut/ (fierydumpster)
6624	%
6625	Nightcore is rule 34 of music. No matter what it is, if it exists, there's nightcore out of it.
6626
6627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9nbx/nightcore_is_rule_34_of_music_no_matter_what_it/ (Aurora_the_queen)
6628	%
6629	If the rapture ever happens, there are gonna be a lot of confused nudist colonies.
6630
6631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9mxv/if_the_rapture_ever_happens_there_are_gonna_be_a/ (Rotten-flan)
6632	%
6633	The smarter the TV, the more stupid the Remote
6634
6635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9le5/the_smarter_the_tv_the_more_stupid_the_remote/ (Contrary_Man)
6636	%
6637	Mince is dead animal spaghetti.
6638
6639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9l66/mince_is_dead_animal_spaghetti/ (shaunvonsleaze)
6640	%
6641	The early bird gets the worm but the early worms gets eaten. The purpose of life is trying to figure out if you’re a bird or a worm.
6642
6643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9kzw/the_early_bird_gets_the_worm_but_the_early_worms/ (MrCrash2U)
6644	%
6645	It has become pretty obvious that it really wouldn’t be very hard to find employees for a Death Star.
6646
6647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9kvs/it_has_become_pretty_obvious_that_it_really/ (Josefest)
6648	%
6649	There is a chance the death of harambe really led to every catastrophic event after through a butterfly effect.
6650
6651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9ktv/there_is_a_chance_the_death_of_harambe_really_led/ (gxtitan)
6652	%
6653	If you see 'red' as 'green' but 'green' as 'red', people wouldn't know as you'd still agree on the same thing being the same color
6654
6655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9kqc/if_you_see_red_as_green_but_green_as_red_people/ (bjiwekls32)
6656	%
6657	The moment you become independent, your free trial of life expires.
6658
6659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9j4h/the_moment_you_become_independent_your_free_trial/ (Joalou)
6660	%
6661	“I didn’t lose any sleep over it”, makes perfect sense both literally and figuratively.
6662
6663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9j3z/i_didnt_lose_any_sleep_over_it_makes_perfect/ (MansNotHot772)
6664	%
6665	If we find a UFO it won’t be an Unidentified Flying Object anymore
6666
6667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9it5/if_we_find_a_ufo_it_wont_be_an_unidentified/ (Leonardjackman)
6668	%
6669	Pathologists/histologists would make excellent butchers
6670
6671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9htf/pathologistshistologists_would_make_excellent/ (BlanketMage)
6672	%
6673	A small percentage of those discarded clothes you see lying around are from secret agents changing disguises.
6674
6675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9hbg/a_small_percentage_of_those_discarded_clothes_you/ (AnbuDaddy6969)
6676	%
6677	An immediate family is technically anyone who’s been inside one particular woman
6678
6679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9ecy/an_immediate_family_is_technically_anyone_whos/ (okthennoobs)
6680	%
6681	People with OCD must hate going to the gym
6682
6683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9dsb/people_with_ocd_must_hate_going_to_the_gym/ (Shadowhunter155)
6684	%
6685	You spend your whole life learning to take care of yourself just to have someone take care of you later.
6686
6687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9c6t/you_spend_your_whole_life_learning_to_take_care/ ([deleted])
6688	%
6689	Missiles don’t sound accurate at all.
6690
6691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9c4a/missiles_dont_sound_accurate_at_all/ (DeadYen)
6692	%
6693	There is only a single species of ape that is not classified as threatened, and that's us
6694
6695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9c0f/there_is_only_a_single_species_of_ape_that_is_not/ (AxialGem)
6696	%
6697	Sharkboy Taylor and Twilight Taylor are only 3 years apart
6698
6699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9bey/sharkboy_taylor_and_twilight_taylor_are_only_3/ (Kamichu1)
6700	%
6701	Finding out that a person you admire has the same bad habit as you feels way better than actually getting rid of that bad habit
6702
6703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx9a2v/finding_out_that_a_person_you_admire_has_the_same/ (jaden398)
6704	%
6705	Your head is too small if you can touch both ears with one hand.
6706
6707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx997d/your_head_is_too_small_if_you_can_touch_both_ears/ (RobertGBradley)
6708	%
6709	We've been promised a life with crystal-clear video from cameras and screens of ever higher definition, but have come to perfectly accept stuff re-uploaded so many times we can't even make out faces on people anymore
6710
6711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx97l3/weve_been_promised_a_life_with_crystalclear_video/ (kngfbng)
6712	%
6713	When you fly, you are buried in air. When you are on the ground, you are still buried in air. When you are in water, you are technically buried in air.
6714
6715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx97ee/when_you_fly_you_are_buried_in_air_when_you_are/ ([deleted])
6716	%
6717	Saying everyone might see color a different way is the exact same as saying everyone tastes food in a different way. What might taste like an ice cream sundae to me, might taste like short ribs with BBQ sauce to you.
6718
6719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx95xi/saying_everyone_might_see_color_a_different_way/ (sixesand7s)
6720	%
6721	At a young age we learned from online games that the internet is full of scammers
6722
6723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx953a/at_a_young_age_we_learned_from_online_games_that/ (cnnxn)
6724	%
6725	It's unfortunate that the word 'palindrome' isn't actually a palindrome itself.
6726
6727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx93wv/its_unfortunate_that_the_word_palindrome_isnt/ (thegreatbobin0_)
6728	%
6729	The biggest symptom of dieing is living
6730
6731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx93lw/the_biggest_symptom_of_dieing_is_living/ (SlimyPig1)
6732	%
6733	You don’t actually know what day you were born. You’re just taking everyone’s word for it.
6734
6735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx91d2/you_dont_actually_know_what_day_you_were_born/ (appleijunkie)
6736	%
6737	Pooping is primitive 3d printing
6738
6739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx919j/pooping_is_primitive_3d_printing/ (dalekfromskaro)
6740	%
6741	You and someone a thousand years ago have drank the same water
6742
6743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8znp/you_and_someone_a_thousand_years_ago_have_drank/ (SlimyPig1)
6744	%
6745	Visual dad joke: Someone responds to you with a picture of a bee, scratching itself. Get it? Calling you a bee-itch.
6746
6747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8y3k/visual_dad_joke_someone_responds_to_you_with_a/ (KubrickIsMyCopilot)
6748	%
6749	The idea of laying in a hammock is much more pleasant than actually laying in a hammock.
6750
6751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8xsg/the_idea_of_laying_in_a_hammock_is_much_more/ (Icouldberight)
6752	%
6753	You don’t buy a good homing pigeon, you rent it .
6754
6755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8u3s/you_dont_buy_a_good_homing_pigeon_you_rent_it/ (shadowturdfurgison)
6756	%
6757	If a holy man blesses the ocean, we can use the whole thing to kill vampires.
6758
6759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8snk/if_a_holy_man_blesses_the_ocean_we_can_use_the/ (NicholasRyanH)
6760	%
6761	Most people have touched glass more than anything else.
6762
6763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8rgt/most_people_have_touched_glass_more_than_anything/ ([deleted])
6764	%
6765	All of the major stories about screaming in a forest or the mountains, are probably fake it was just a mountain lion screaming.
6766
6767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8r34/all_of_the_major_stories_about_screaming_in_a/ (hungryfordonuts5)
6768	%
6769	People with contacts would probably be the first to die when marooned on a desert island.
6770
6771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8puv/people_with_contacts_would_probably_be_the_first/ (uglyindianboi)
6772	%
6773	Every dick has been inside a woman.
6774
6775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8oep/every_dick_has_been_inside_a_woman/ ([deleted])
6776	%
6777	Billions of mobile phone cameras in the world and still no real evidence of UFOs.
6778
6779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8o4o/billions_of_mobile_phone_cameras_in_the_world_and/ ([deleted])
6780	%
6781	Amazon uses the verbiage: “guaranteed delivery by” but owe no-one if the guarantee is invalid
6782
6783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8o1f/amazon_uses_the_verbiage_guaranteed_delivery_by/ (PloxtTY)
6784	%
6785	Mosquitoes are the #1 predator to humans
6786
6787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8mvy/mosquitoes_are_the_1_predator_to_humans/ (ElBrando18)
6788	%
6789	If you somehow knew and memorized Everything available online, you would become a pervert
6790
6791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8mpa/if_you_somehow_knew_and_memorized_everything/ (ReadToDie)
6792	%
6793	Strap-ons are prosthetic cocks
6794
6795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8mdv/strapons_are_prosthetic_cocks/ ([deleted])
6796	%
6797	3/5 sounds way better than 60%
6798
6799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8m41/35_sounds_way_better_than_60/ (Eastcoastfudgelover1)
6800	%
6801	Finding your contact lenses is pretty hard cause you need them to find them.
6802
6803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8kxh/finding_your_contact_lenses_is_pretty_hard_cause/ (Strangeduh)
6804	%
6805	When we turn into adults we basically get paid to get out of the house.
6806
6807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8jjr/when_we_turn_into_adults_we_basically_get_paid_to/ (AshD_2019)
6808	%
6809	The under armor logo looks like a dog bone
6810
6811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8iwk/the_under_armor_logo_looks_like_a_dog_bone/ (Turtgang42)
6812	%
6813	If fruit screamed as we peeled back their skin/rind, these tasty snacks would not be so enjoyable.
6814
6815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8ikb/if_fruit_screamed_as_we_peeled_back_their/ (Yonfire)
6816	%
6817	If you ignore something long enough, it will disappear... eventually.
6818
6819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8hk9/if_you_ignore_something_long_enough_it_will/ (wert33223344)
6820	%
6821	Most people don't know most people.
6822
6823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8h8k/most_people_dont_know_most_people/ (SlimyPig1)
6824	%
6825	When you play games on easy mode, it’s on hard mode for the enemies
6826
6827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8h5v/when_you_play_games_on_easy_mode_its_on_hard_mode/ ([deleted])
6828	%
6829	The rocks that the first cavemen used to make fire are still out there somewhere
6830
6831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8gyc/the_rocks_that_the_first_cavemen_used_to_make/ (QueenElsaArrendelle)
6832	%
6833	If you land on someone else's property in Monopoly, and it doesn't have a house, you're quite literally paying rent to live on the streets.
6834
6835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8g45/if_you_land_on_someone_elses_property_in_monopoly/ (Kalajasavakuy)
6836	%
6837	Airsoft guys try to act like they are in the military, but nerf guys try to act like they play airsoft.
6838
6839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8f4f/airsoft_guys_try_to_act_like_they_are_in_the/ (Mr_Piggles329)
6840	%
6841	"When you kill a killer the number of killers stays the same" may not be true, but when you kill a killer the number of murders commited by living people stays the same, unless you kill someone and THEN yourself.
6842
6843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8c8l/when_you_kill_a_killer_the_number_of_killers/ ([deleted])
6844	%
6845	When a show gets removed and then picked up by a different network, the writers not only just gained the ability to talk shit on the original network, they also gained the motivation to do so
6846
6847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8c7l/when_a_show_gets_removed_and_then_picked_up_by_a/ ([deleted])
6848	%
6849	Knees are leg elbows
6850
6851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8b0i/knees_are_leg_elbows/ (m4ve_)
6852	%
6853	It would suck to be the person that has to read Morgan Freeman's eulogy
6854
6855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8auc/it_would_suck_to_be_the_person_that_has_to_read/ (KoalaTeaSenpai)
6856	%
6857	Insurance companies and fitness gyms have the same business model. They count on people to pay for them but not use them to make a profit.
6858
6859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx89py/insurance_companies_and_fitness_gyms_have_the/ (adamantcondition)
6860	%
6861	If you stack 2 Italies on top of each other, it would kill a lot of people
6862
6863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx89fz/if_you_stack_2_italies_on_top_of_each_other_it/ (egyuhwervewu)
6864	%
6865	Genghis Khan must’ve had all the stds
6866
6867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx890j/genghis_khan_mustve_had_all_the_stds/ (Fossil-boy07)
6868	%
6869	Getting a cold next winter is going to be super stressful
6870
6871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx88tf/getting_a_cold_next_winter_is_going_to_be_super/ (1ucky731)
6872	%
6873	The riot scenes in the Joker movie are happening in US.
6874
6875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx88ig/the_riot_scenes_in_the_joker_movie_are_happening/ (PhD3DP)
6876	%
6877	"Paper or plastic" could also refer to a method of payment
6878
6879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx87yz/paper_or_plastic_could_also_refer_to_a_method_of/ (TheyCallMeDrAsshole)
6880	%
6881	Some people turn into forbidden vegetables.
6882
6883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx876n/some_people_turn_into_forbidden_vegetables/ ([deleted])
6884	%
6885	It’s definitely possible that two best friends in real life unknowingly hate each other online
6886
6887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx85d2/its_definitely_possible_that_two_best_friends_in/ (husbus)
6888	%
6889	Fish that live at the top of the ocean are probably seen as “birds” for fish that live near the bottom of the ocean.
6890
6891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx84o4/fish_that_live_at_the_top_of_the_ocean_are/ (verynice020)
6892	%
6893	People recognize greatness only when some authority confirms it
6894
6895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx83o6/people_recognize_greatness_only_when_some/ (Dgvjy2003)
6896	%
6897	"I love fishes" is worlds apart from "I love fish"
6898
6899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx83ic/i_love_fishes_is_worlds_apart_from_i_love_fish/ (vasudaiva_kutumbakam)
6900	%
6901	No one is truly good.
6902
6903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx83gv/no_one_is_truly_good/ (InFinder2004)
6904	%
6905	Looking at how often someone's car has been keyed is a decent indicator of how big an asshole they are
6906
6907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx82vo/looking_at_how_often_someones_car_has_been_keyed/ (EtOHMartini)
6908	%
6909	Whenever someone makes a Simpsons reference it's not a scene in which Bart is being disrespectful to authority
6910
6911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx8270/whenever_someone_makes_a_simpsons_reference_its/ (jsmitter)
6912	%
6913	Someone thought that killing an animal then consuming their innards was a good idea
6914
6915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx81pp/someone_thought_that_killing_an_animal_then/ (Johnzander0)
6916	%
6917	If the Mongols didn’t invade Baghdad, Then Arabic would’ve been the Leading language in the world instead of English
6918
6919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7zj3/if_the_mongols_didnt_invade_baghdad_then_arabic/ (Omaralqethami)
6920	%
6921	Learning to play songs on the guitar is more or less just learning different dances for your fingers
6922
6923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7xaq/learning_to_play_songs_on_the_guitar_is_more_or/ ([deleted])
6924	%
6925	Any electric device in a virtual world is powered by real world electricity.
6926
6927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7wxg/any_electric_device_in_a_virtual_world_is_powered/ (zuwiboiii)
6928	%
6929	Hate is affection with negative numbers.
6930
6931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7uwj/hate_is_affection_with_negative_numbers/ ([deleted])
6932	%
6933	Zeros either make things expensive or cheap depending on the way you look at it
6934
6935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7uka/zeros_either_make_things_expensive_or_cheap/ (florida-made)
6936	%
6937	Cash is the universal gift card.
6938
6939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7ttq/cash_is_the_universal_gift_card/ ([deleted])
6940	%
6941	The difference between making coffee and pasta is whether you keep the solid or the liquid
6942
6943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7s2f/the_difference_between_making_coffee_and_pasta_is/ ([deleted])
6944	%
6945	There's a 99% chance you'll lose something you put somewhere so as to not lose it
6946
6947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7nmr/theres_a_99_chance_youll_lose_something_you_put/ (Redeemer2911)
6948	%
6949	The world needs slapstick comedy more than it realizes.
6950
6951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7gzi/the_world_needs_slapstick_comedy_more_than_it/ (AlphaKuupa)
6952	%
6953	The fact that we drive cars so mindlessly with people's lives at stake is a scary thing
6954
6955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7dvi/the_fact_that_we_drive_cars_so_mindlessly_with/ (hippietravel)
6956	%
6957	A chef's work goes down the drain eventually.
6958
6959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7djf/a_chefs_work_goes_down_the_drain_eventually/ ([deleted])
6960	%
6961	Thank you emails are waste, essential, unnecessary, and necessary.
6962
6963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7bj7/thank_you_emails_are_waste_essential_unnecessary/ (nameABOVEall)
6964	%
6965	"Silence is what speaks the loudest" doesn't really apply to people with tinnitus.
6966
6967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7b1e/silence_is_what_speaks_the_loudest_doesnt_really/ (zuwiboiii)
6968	%
6969	Someone out there could be thinking about you.
6970
6971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7aqe/someone_out_there_could_be_thinking_about_you/ ([deleted])
6972	%
6973	"Anything written between quotation marks looks more profound than it really is."
6974
6975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx7a26/anything_written_between_quotation_marks_looks/ (hazyheadd)
6976	%
6977	Korra, from the avatar series, has the ability to make an ironman suit.
6978
6979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx79k7/korra_from_the_avatar_series_has_the_ability_to/ (zuwiboiii)
6980	%
6981	Our entire system of counting in cycles of 10 is based on how many fingers we have to count on...
6982
6983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx78o5/our_entire_system_of_counting_in_cycles_of_10_is/ (Badappolo)
6984	%
6985	Alcoholism genes are likely preserved by increasing promiscuous behavior
6986
6987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx78kl/alcoholism_genes_are_likely_preserved_by/ (snubber)
6988	%
6989	In regular movies, you write a script then film. In nature documentaries, you film then write a script.
6990
6991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx77s4/in_regular_movies_you_write_a_script_then_film_in/ (Patrick_Stars_Dad)
6992	%
6993	The word, “Truth” only exists because of lies.
6994
6995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx76s7/the_word_truth_only_exists_because_of_lies/ (Human_Kaleidoscope_7)
6996	%
6997	Pythons and boa constrictors are the cuddliest of all animals
6998
6999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx76hs/pythons_and_boa_constrictors_are_the_cuddliest_of/ (broha89)
7000	%
7001	There are more booty cheeks than the worlds population
7002
7003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx768j/there_are_more_booty_cheeks_than_the_worlds/ ([deleted])
7004	%
7005	There are two countries that both hold the title for "most mined country in the world". One is laced with explosives and the other with valuable ores
7006
7007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx75ea/there_are_two_countries_that_both_hold_the_title/ (stabby_joe)
7008	%
7009	Multiple cats living at the same house probably see themselves more as colleagues than room mates
7010
7011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx74tr/multiple_cats_living_at_the_same_house_probably/ (ThatGameBoyle)
7012	%
7013	Monopoly is one of the only board games you go into knowing you probably won’t finish
7014
7015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx741j/monopoly_is_one_of_the_only_board_games_you_go/ (TheFlame150)
7016	%
7017	Socks seem clean based on whether they're flipped inside out
7018
7019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx737p/socks_seem_clean_based_on_whether_theyre_flipped/ (Alext2k)
7020	%
7021	Getting a cold sore, spot or dental surgery done wouldn't be so bad at the moment.
7022
7023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx71xs/getting_a_cold_sore_spot_or_dental_surgery_done/ (Fiale440)
7024	%
7025	If the muffin would have stayed quiet, calm and steady someone would have surely eaten it.
7026
7027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx71rv/if_the_muffin_would_have_stayed_quiet_calm_and/ (thou_undercoverjack)
7028	%
7029	Nameless bad guys in comics only have good aim if the target is bulletproof
7030
7031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6z2f/nameless_bad_guys_in_comics_only_have_good_aim_if/ (Taylor-B-)
7032	%
7033	Records are a physical embodiment of music.
7034
7035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6vem/records_are_a_physical_embodiment_of_music/ (OmegianLord)
7036	%
7037	Unidentified Federal Officers (UFOs) are abducting people
7038
7039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6u7z/unidentified_federal_officers_ufos_are_abducting/ (menervan)
7040	%
7041	It's very disturbing that the history we learn isn't 100% true and many interesting moments have been hidden, covered up or changed completely to fit those who pass it down.
7042
7043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6tc6/its_very_disturbing_that_the_history_we_learn/ (SteliosJ7)
7044	%
7045	Somewhere there is a rock, or what’s left of it, that is indirectly responsible for creation of all other tools.
7046
7047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6rz3/somewhere_there_is_a_rock_or_whats_left_of_it/ ([deleted])
7048	%
7049	Just like fruits and vegetables, people get wrinkly when near their expiration date.
7050
7051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6pr7/just_like_fruits_and_vegetables_people_get/ ([deleted])
7052	%
7053	Off the top of your head, you can't count exactly 15 different items without using numbers.
7054
7055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6o9j/off_the_top_of_your_head_you_cant_count_exactly/ (CommentDebate)
7056	%
7057	Sometimes trying to discern if you’re depressed or if you just have an accurate perception of reality is difficult
7058
7059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6n6c/sometimes_trying_to_discern_if_youre_depressed_or/ ([deleted])
7060	%
7061	When you light a campfire, it heats the whole world
7062
7063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6m50/when_you_light_a_campfire_it_heats_the_whole_world/ (360Bowscopez)
7064	%
7065	If you stare at the sun long enough, you get a dog.
7066
7067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6lrs/if_you_stare_at_the_sun_long_enough_you_get_a_dog/ (ChaddyMcChadface)
7068	%
7069	If you never doubt or question whether you’re a good person, you probably aren’t one.
7070
7071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6kj0/if_you_never_doubt_or_question_whether_youre_a/ ([deleted])
7072	%
7073	On a microwave, putting in 60 is the same as putting in 100.
7074
7075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6hfy/on_a_microwave_putting_in_60_is_the_same_as/ ([deleted])
7076	%
7077	If you get enough tattoos, the number of tattoos you have starts going down.
7078
7079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6h07/if_you_get_enough_tattoos_the_number_of_tattoos/ (dan52895)
7080	%
7081	A cloudy day could make it look like morning or late afternoon.
7082
7083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6g9v/a_cloudy_day_could_make_it_look_like_morning_or/ (farooqskariem)
7084	%
7085	Donuts are deep fried cake
7086
7087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6f4b/donuts_are_deep_fried_cake/ (katyushawashere)
7088	%
7089	Algae is the quiet kid who does all the work but never get credit for it
7090
7091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6ebf/algae_is_the_quiet_kid_who_does_all_the_work_but/ (sidorsidd)
7092	%
7093	Technically if you have to much of anything. It will kill you.
7094
7095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6bal/technically_if_you_have_to_much_of_anything_it/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
7096	%
7097	Maybe groundhog day was just a custom westworld map
7098
7099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6b9e/maybe_groundhog_day_was_just_a_custom_westworld/ (The_OMG)
7100	%
7101	The loudest person in the room is often the stupidest.
7102
7103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6a01/the_loudest_person_in_the_room_is_often_the/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
7104	%
7105	You encounter more numbers in one day than you could probably count in a year
7106
7107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx69mb/you_encounter_more_numbers_in_one_day_than_you/ (poolside123)
7108	%
7109	The unidentified officers attacking people in Portland are the exact people the 2nd amendment was meant to protect us from but the people in love with the 2nd amendment think they are on the same side.
7110
7111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx68gx/the_unidentified_officers_attacking_people_in/ (I_Am_Justin_Tyler)
7112	%
7113	Shaving foam lets you know which part was shaved and which part wasn't.
7114
7115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx66qe/shaving_foam_lets_you_know_which_part_was_shaved/ (CommentDebate)
7116	%
7117	A fuckton can be any amount.
7118
7119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx65pf/a_fuckton_can_be_any_amount/ ([deleted])
7120	%
7121	The stigma associated with being scared has probably taken quite a few lives.
7122
7123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx65at/the_stigma_associated_with_being_scared_has/ (WormEatingMan)
7124	%
7125	The word "eye" translates to "ojo" in Spanish. But the word "eyeball" gets an upgrade to "globo ocular".
7126
7127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx64uy/the_word_eye_translates_to_ojo_in_spanish_but_the/ (SFinTX)
7128	%
7129	Everybody is full of themself.
7130
7131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx63ph/everybody_is_full_of_themself/ (DancingBear2020)
7132	%
7133	Technically the gun doesn't kill the person. The bullet does... The gun just helps the bullet get there...
7134
7135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx636y/technically_the_gun_doesnt_kill_the_person_the/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
7136	%
7137	If you drink while you pee do you have an unlimited stream of pee
7138
7139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx61n0/if_you_drink_while_you_pee_do_you_have_an/ (throwaway_1_8)
7140	%
7141	If avatar Aang was in space he couldn't be able to airbend.
7142
7143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx61e5/if_avatar_aang_was_in_space_he_couldnt_be_able_to/ (Seviralath)
7144	%
7145	Dr. Fauci deserves all the credit in the world for not calling large groups of people fucking idiots
7146
7147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx61an/dr_fauci_deserves_all_the_credit_in_the_world_for/ (100kUpvotesOrBust)
7148	%
7149	“Get 50% off” is a weird way to advertise hair growth products
7150
7151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx60sz/get_50_off_is_a_weird_way_to_advertise_hair/ (anaheimducksss)
7152	%
7153	Most social media would never work without a critical mass of people posting things that could ruin their careers or lives to maintain a sufficient level of drama to keep the platform relevant and interesting.
7154
7155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx60ht/most_social_media_would_never_work_without_a/ (RockinandChalkin)
7156	%
7157	Having a low IQ might make watching movies more enjoyable
7158
7159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx6077/having_a_low_iq_might_make_watching_movies_more/ (darkyf1)
7160	%
7161	Ifever a grasshopper lands on your arm, for a brief moment, it's a hairhopper.
7162
7163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5zj0/ifever_a_grasshopper_lands_on_your_arm_for_a/ (ZzKRzZ)
7164	%
7165	Porn in 2021 Will be like
7166
7167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5unv/porn_in_2021_will_be_like/ (tondo22)
7168	%
7169	Once you play Cards Against Humanity, there's no going back to Apples to Apples
7170
7171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5q48/once_you_play_cards_against_humanity_theres_no/ (KitKat42o)
7172	%
7173	The older you get the harder it is to find your date of birth in dropdown lists.
7174
7175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5o8v/the_older_you_get_the_harder_it_is_to_find_your/ ([deleted])
7176	%
7177	I've always wondered when "falling over" becomes "having a fall".
7178
7179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5lz8/ive_always_wondered_when_falling_over_becomes/ (jutepod)
7180	%
7181	When a story ends with “it was all just a dream”, it’s not only a cheap ending but an excuse for plot holes.
7182
7183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5lro/when_a_story_ends_with_it_was_all_just_a_dream/ (TheDumbestTimeline)
7184	%
7185	The wizarding world could be real, just their magic is so advanced we don’t know.
7186
7187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5l8t/the_wizarding_world_could_be_real_just_their/ (Mik333e)
7188	%
7189	It's impossible to have a weighted blanket in the ISS
7190
7191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5kva/its_impossible_to_have_a_weighted_blanket_in_the/ (Hipster_Archimedes)
7192	%
7193	Nobody actually reads the rules for Monopoly, unless a fight occurs.
7194
7195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5iqc/nobody_actually_reads_the_rules_for_monopoly/ (Niels_h_)
7196	%
7197	The only good thing about getting amnesia is that you get to try something new every day
7198
7199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5hnv/the_only_good_thing_about_getting_amnesia_is_that/ ([deleted])
7200	%
7201	If something is wholesome, we try to make it cursed, if there is something cursed we try to make it wholesome.
7202
7203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5fzs/if_something_is_wholesome_we_try_to_make_it/ (Superphobe776)
7204	%
7205	Being good at doing nothing is very different from not being good at doing anything
7206
7207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5f5k/being_good_at_doing_nothing_is_very_different/ (c_h_a_r_)
7208	%
7209	Male boxers are still longer than some of the girls short and they do it in WINTER
7210
7211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5duv/male_boxers_are_still_longer_than_some_of_the/ (ember-main)
7212	%
7213	People have customizable skins.
7214
7215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5dq1/people_have_customizable_skins/ (stinkywookie)
7216	%
7217	It will be a complicated year for the Darwin Awards...there are so many good contenders to choose from!
7218
7219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx5bkc/it_will_be_a_complicated_year_for_the_darwin/ (AlpacaInk)
7220	%
7221	Getting booted from a furry convention makes you a "Fursona Non Grata."
7222
7223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx59be/getting_booted_from_a_furry_convention_makes_you/ (BillionTonsHyperbole)
7224	%
7225	Clothes are customizable skins for all animals.
7226
7227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx595z/clothes_are_customizable_skins_for_all_animals/ (Invincibro)
7228	%
7229	Someone alive has the highest probability of getting the USB plugin right on the first try.
7230
7231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx57uy/someone_alive_has_the_highest_probability_of/ (Wernershnitzl)
7232	%
7233	Antiques Roadshow is Quality TV
7234
7235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx57bu/antiques_roadshow_is_quality_tv/ (cassawest)
7236	%
7237	People go for a run to get better at running so that it’s easier to go for a run
7238
7239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx55wr/people_go_for_a_run_to_get_better_at_running_so/ ([deleted])
7240	%
7241	The Alpha generation is in the door of starting middle school moving gen z to the guiders of the society
7242
7243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx55dh/the_alpha_generation_is_in_the_door_of_starting/ ([deleted])
7244	%
7245	Telling a stranger to have a nice day is polite, telling them to have a nice life is rude and a little sinister even though you will likely never see them again.
7246
7247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx54kh/telling_a_stranger_to_have_a_nice_day_is_polite/ (BrandynBlaze)
7248	%
7249	For some reason you need to dedicate an entire drawer to used gift bags as a fail safe.
7250
7251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx52bi/for_some_reason_you_need_to_dedicate_an_entire/ (Po1sonator)
7252	%
7253	The top trends on twitter and top posts on reddit would be so weird and full of confusion if Thanos' snap actually happened
7254
7255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx51y9/the_top_trends_on_twitter_and_top_posts_on_reddit/ ([deleted])
7256	%
7257	"What song do you recommend?" Is a question that is forever relevant.
7258
7259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4z0v/what_song_do_you_recommend_is_a_question_that_is/ (zuwiboiii)
7260	%
7261	You're never going to see most people you've met on the Internet again
7262
7263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4y8u/youre_never_going_to_see_most_people_youve_met_on/ (__Jimmy__)
7264	%
7265	Mocking conspiracy theorists, ostentatively stating that they're wrong and punishing them for it is exactly what conspiracy members would want to do to get people off their track.
7266
7267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4w3d/mocking_conspiracy_theorists_ostentatively/ (MC_Kejml)
7268	%
7269	Your brain will either punish or reward itself depending on "its" success and failure
7270
7271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4v0q/your_brain_will_either_punish_or_reward_itself/ ([deleted])
7272	%
7273	Abra ka dabra is the lamest and fakest line party magicians repeat to convey they know magic.
7274
7275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4tse/abra_ka_dabra_is_the_lamest_and_fakest_line_party/ (pjb0016)
7276	%
7277	People are meat-mechs with gray butter pilots.
7278
7279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4sej/people_are_meatmechs_with_gray_butter_pilots/ (lfantine)
7280	%
7281	fossil fuels are a part of human nature if u think of it in a dumb way
7282
7283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4s8k/fossil_fuels_are_a_part_of_human_nature_if_u/ (1234532145)
7284	%
7285	If you could feasibly dig a hole through the earth and jump in, you'd only fall down halfway. You'd have to climb up the other half.
7286
7287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4rpu/if_you_could_feasibly_dig_a_hole_through_the/ (mrd-uyi)
7288	%
7289	The expression “you killed it” probably comes from people hunting and the dad literally saying “you killed it! Good job son!”
7290
7291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4qje/the_expression_you_killed_it_probably_comes_from/ (husbus)
7292	%
7293	The first piece of bread tastes exactly like the others, but we hate it just because we don't like how it looks.
7294
7295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4o4w/the_first_piece_of_bread_tastes_exactly_like_the/ (spookycheesepuff)
7296	%
7297	People always talk about protecting nature but nobody ever cares about stepping all over grass.
7298
7299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4o0j/people_always_talk_about_protecting_nature_but/ ([deleted])
7300	%
7301	Loading Screen Tips are beginning to be a thing of the past as technology gets faster.
7302
7303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4k1d/loading_screen_tips_are_beginning_to_be_a_thing/ (Fart_Muffler)
7304	%
7305	ZZ Top are weirdly impressed by an adult woman who knows how to walk
7306
7307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4ii6/zz_top_are_weirdly_impressed_by_an_adult_woman/ (MatsarOne)
7308	%
7309	The expression “Ignore it and it’ll go away” applies perfectly to your teeth
7310
7311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4hza/the_expression_ignore_it_and_itll_go_away_applies/ ([deleted])
7312	%
7313	Your wife is technically your ex-girlfriend
7314
7315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4hjz/your_wife_is_technically_your_exgirlfriend/ (funshitaccount)
7316	%
7317	if the earth actually were round, flat-earthers would look pretty silly
7318
7319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4gy6/if_the_earth_actually_were_round_flatearthers/ (throwawayaccount3354)
7320	%
7321	People who speak less common languages must have a much smaller music selection.
7322
7323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4gjt/people_who_speak_less_common_languages_must_have/ (byte-boi)
7324	%
7325	The expression “Ignore it and it’ll go” away applies perfectly to your teeth
7326
7327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4eev/the_expression_ignore_it_and_itll_go_away_applies/ ([deleted])
7328	%
7329	When you have a party at your house you clean it for other people to come and mess it up.
7330
7331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4ava/when_you_have_a_party_at_your_house_you_clean_it/ (GrumpyCheese_)
7332	%
7333	cold water tastes better because it tastes less
7334
7335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4ak1/cold_water_tastes_better_because_it_tastes_less/ (Testing_things_out)
7336	%
7337	There is a number between 7 and 10^150 which is exactly the number of atoms in the entire universe
7338
7339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx49uk/there_is_a_number_between_7_and_10150_which_is/ (icint)
7340	%
7341	When everything becomes digitalized, even books and libraries would become worthless
7342
7343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx4884/when_everything_becomes_digitalized_even_books/ (woofie_17)
7344	%
7345	If we lived in a world where spiders didn't exist, the human imagination probably wouldn't be able to come up with them.
7346
7347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx41s7/if_we_lived_in_a_world_where_spiders_didnt_exist/ (Retrac752)
7348	%
7349	Sometimes the enforcement of a law is more dangerous than the law being broken
7350
7351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx41l9/sometimes_the_enforcement_of_a_law_is_more/ (HerbertGoon)
7352	%
7353	Movies and tv shows tend to forget that people’s hair grows throughout the school year
7354
7355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx40wo/movies_and_tv_shows_tend_to_forget_that_peoples/ (Cornelius_M)
7356	%
7357	Glasses make you look smarter but you have to fail an exam to get them
7358
7359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx40he/glasses_make_you_look_smarter_but_you_have_to/ (ambitiouslearner123)
7360	%
7361	If Carl and Ellie couldn't afford a vacation, they wouldn't have been able to afford a baby either.
7362
7363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3zj0/if_carl_and_ellie_couldnt_afford_a_vacation_they/ (Angelrenate)
7364	%
7365	Future zombie movies will probably include people downplaying the issue and refusing to protect themselves much more.
7366
7367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3yyr/future_zombie_movies_will_probably_include_people/ (Givemeajackson)
7368	%
7369	Somehow the Incredibles guessed the power of their child before it was born when they named them.
7370
7371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3wvh/somehow_the_incredibles_guessed_the_power_of/ (Ginger312)
7372	%
7373	The only difference between Seth Rogen's and Jimmy Carr's laugh is that one only exhales and the other only inhales
7374
7375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3tfd/the_only_difference_between_seth_rogens_and_jimmy/ (Troublemesoftly)
7376	%
7377	There can never be too many fish in the sea
7378
7379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3sx2/there_can_never_be_too_many_fish_in_the_sea/ (rocksofiron)
7380	%
7381	There is a sure fire cinematic scene going on in everyone's head
7382
7383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3qh6/there_is_a_sure_fire_cinematic_scene_going_on_in/ (fernandeztahi)
7384	%
7385	The first step to learning how to repair something is learning how to clean it properly.
7386
7387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3q6a/the_first_step_to_learning_how_to_repair/ (arjo_reich)
7388	%
7389	There's a possibility someone fucked the animal your food came from.
7390
7391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3pyw/theres_a_possibility_someone_fucked_the_animal/ ([deleted])
7392	%
7393	Observing sexual intercourse between animals is considered field biology. Doing the same with humans is considered a leisure activity.
7394
7395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3pw1/observing_sexual_intercourse_between_animals_is/ (Xianthu_Exists)
7396	%
7397	If your job involves a lot of fake moaning, being mostly naked, and rubbing your sweaty body againt a bunch of other sweaty bodies while other people watch, you might be a pro wrestler.
7398
7399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3oo3/if_your_job_involves_a_lot_of_fake_moaning_being/ (Myomyw)
7400	%
7401	All life on earth is one cell that kept dividing
7402
7403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3oc1/all_life_on_earth_is_one_cell_that_kept_dividing/ (Dakrys)
7404	%
7405	A lot of adults are probably subconsciously traumatized from when a beloved baby toy ran low on batteries then bellowed like a demon at them.
7406
7407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3mjc/a_lot_of_adults_are_probably_subconsciously/ (OhTheHueManatee)
7408	%
7409	If Smellovision was introduced, people would Rickroll others with farts
7410
7411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3koh/if_smellovision_was_introduced_people_would/ (jt372)
7412	%
7413	The last human being alive wont definitley know if they are the last human being alive.
7414
7415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3hx3/the_last_human_being_alive_wont_definitley_know/ (Lightwingames)
7416	%
7417	Every tourist that barely knows your language has a language he's fluent in, and can make puns, use metaphores and tell complete stories.
7418
7419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3hjk/every_tourist_that_barely_knows_your_language_has/ (Darkmaster666666)
7420	%
7421	A password consisting of only spaces will never be suspected
7422
7423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3gbi/a_password_consisting_of_only_spaces_will_never/ (Real_Normal)
7424	%
7425	If everyone hates the sound of their voice on recordings, Morgan Freemans voice must sound like magic in his own head.
7426
7427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3eet/if_everyone_hates_the_sound_of_their_voice_on/ (Hank___Scorpio)
7428	%
7429	Major part of parenting is pretending to be excited by very boring things.
7430
7431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3e4l/major_part_of_parenting_is_pretending_to_be/ (__Dawn__Amber__)
7432	%
7433	Theme parks can take crystal clear pictures of you going really fast on a rollercoaster but banks can't take a clear enough picture of a robber standing still
7434
7435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3b5g/theme_parks_can_take_crystal_clear_pictures_of/ (Doritoman265)
7436	%
7437	You are never bald you just have a really long neck
7438
7439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx39c5/you_are_never_bald_you_just_have_a_really_long/ (RedRogue773)
7440	%
7441	The stimulus checks are 'advances on refundable tax credits' meaning you will have to pay back $2,400 on next year's tax return.
7442
7443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx3713/the_stimulus_checks_are_advances_on_refundable/ ([deleted])
7444	%
7445	If someone could predict when a world ending meteor would hit the Earth, they wouldn’t ever be able to celebrate being correct.
7446
7447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx35ne/if_someone_could_predict_when_a_world_ending/ (Mentessi01)
7448	%
7449	"Death Becomes Her" has aged well.
7450
7451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx34n7/death_becomes_her_has_aged_well/ (FlamDukke)
7452	%
7453	We learn things from other things. Saying you “only know that because of ___” is a paradox.
7454
7455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx341x/we_learn_things_from_other_things_saying_you_only/ (dobbyisfree0806)
7456	%
7457	At a certain point in size, land no longer is an island. For example, Hawaii is small and is considered to be islands, but the Americas are very large and no one ever considers them an island.
7458
7459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx33z6/at_a_certain_point_in_size_land_no_longer_is_an/ (Medsmercer)
7460	%
7461	Sharks always eat salty food
7462
7463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx31iz/sharks_always_eat_salty_food/ (S4Ch13L)
7464	%
7465	Your House is most likely a landmark for people while driving on their daily route
7466
7467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2zi6/your_house_is_most_likely_a_landmark_for_people/ (TCB_24)
7468	%
7469	Boneless wings are fancy nuggets made from breast meat ...
7470
7471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2xdm/boneless_wings_are_fancy_nuggets_made_from_breast/ (ahabthecrusader)
7472	%
7473	Sinners are judging sinners for sinning differently
7474
7475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2xa1/sinners_are_judging_sinners_for_sinning/ (Fazlul101)
7476	%
7477	On planets with lower gravity people would most likely be seen as real life supermen/women.
7478
7479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2x6j/on_planets_with_lower_gravity_people_would_most/ (FeelingDesigner)
7480	%
7481	The biggest celebration of your life only happens when you pass away
7482
7483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2wuo/the_biggest_celebration_of_your_life_only_happens/ (Wristyplum)
7484	%
7485	The biggest plot hole of The Wizard of Oz is that Dorothy wanted to go back to Kansas.
7486
7487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2wre/the_biggest_plot_hole_of_the_wizard_of_oz_is_that/ (HotdogOnTheGround)
7488	%
7489	It's always second breakfast somewhere on Middle Earth
7490
7491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2u8t/its_always_second_breakfast_somewhere_on_middle/ (Soulfox1988)
7492	%
7493	The wheel is great, but how about some credit for whoever invented the CUP.
7494
7495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2tov/the_wheel_is_great_but_how_about_some_credit_for/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
7496	%
7497	Conspiracy theories like QAnon, 5G, Pizzagate, and Bill Gates seem wildly implausible to many, but they’re a lot more plausible than some guy walking on water a few thousand years ago.
7498
7499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2tgl/conspiracy_theories_like_qanon_5g_pizzagate_and/ ([deleted])
7500	%
7501	If you dropped something in a hole that goes all the way through earth, it would stop in the middle because of gravity
7502
7503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2rnh/if_you_dropped_something_in_a_hole_that_goes_all/ ([deleted])
7504	%
7505	Everyone who‘s at least one year old has already lived his death day
7506
7507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2r3z/everyone_whos_at_least_one_year_old_has_already/ (jeje17j)
7508	%
7509	If cats like mice why isn't there mice flavoured cat food
7510
7511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2qq2/if_cats_like_mice_why_isnt_there_mice_flavoured/ (KeinenC)
7512	%
7513	Nowadays is okay for movies to destroy the whole world, but not one specific well known place.
7514
7515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2qky/nowadays_is_okay_for_movies_to_destroy_the_whole/ (r4tzt4r)
7516	%
7517	From the way we see people believe in outrageous theories, there's possibly a 100% chance that it does not matter what you come up with, there will always be someone who will passionately believe in it.
7518
7519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2qgk/from_the_way_we_see_people_believe_in_outrageous/ (itsricoche)
7520	%
7521	We all worry about not looking good enough, but all of us will die anyways, so you might as well be content with how you look and focus on your better qualities
7522
7523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2pps/we_all_worry_about_not_looking_good_enough_but/ (NovaThinksBadly)
7524	%
7525	When we are dreaming, we are creating our own fanfics
7526
7527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2oza/when_we_are_dreaming_we_are_creating_our_own/ (CatupiryPizza)
7528	%
7529	Arranging a few atoms of silicone together and turning them on and off changed the entire world.
7530
7531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2of0/arranging_a_few_atoms_of_silicone_together_and/ (PlacentaOnOnionGravy)
7532	%
7533	A date is in a certain way an interview for sex
7534
7535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2o4j/a_date_is_in_a_certain_way_an_interview_for_sex/ (jeje17j)
7536	%
7537	Banana flavoured cookies taste totally different from banana flavoured sweets, yet neither of them taste like actual bananas
7538
7539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2ndk/banana_flavoured_cookies_taste_totally_different/ (ForbiddenFajita-)
7540	%
7541	A burp is actually a reversed fart
7542
7543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2n8g/a_burp_is_actually_a_reversed_fart/ (lilsmal)
7544	%
7545	Each moment we get closer to tommorow but tommorow never comes
7546
7547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2m6v/each_moment_we_get_closer_to_tommorow_but/ (thiccdankboy)
7548	%
7549	One of the most satisfying feelings while driving is lowering the gps eta by a minute.
7550
7551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2le5/one_of_the_most_satisfying_feelings_while_driving/ (DevonWhiteTurnUp)
7552	%
7553	When playing golf, you try to play as little golf as possible
7554
7555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2l7t/when_playing_golf_you_try_to_play_as_little_golf/ ([deleted])
7556	%
7557	Licking envelope flaps was a lot tastier as a kid.
7558
7559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2kwb/licking_envelope_flaps_was_a_lot_tastier_as_a_kid/ (fruity-line_segment)
7560	%
7561	people write books and make them into movies, but not the other way round
7562
7563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2j0n/people_write_books_and_make_them_into_movies_but/ (oprahwindfury06)
7564	%
7565	Solving a problem (especially a big one) makes you happier than having no problems at all.
7566
7567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2iwr/solving_a_problem_especially_a_big_one_makes_you/ (Catalyzed_Spy)
7568	%
7569	If giraffes didn't have neck bones you could probably tie their neck into a bow
7570
7571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2i1i/if_giraffes_didnt_have_neck_bones_you_could/ (ToeyToeToe)
7572	%
7573	There is tear gas and laughing gas but not gases for others emotions.
7574
7575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2hwg/there_is_tear_gas_and_laughing_gas_but_not_gases/ ([deleted])
7576	%
7577	Most people like a song cause of the music but they think it’s because of the singer .
7578
7579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2dke/most_people_like_a_song_cause_of_the_music_but/ ([deleted])
7580	%
7581	Pole vaulting is jousting for the horseless working classes
7582
7583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2dd2/pole_vaulting_is_jousting_for_the_horseless/ (TheSunIsActuallyCold)
7584	%
7585	Since the rise of the internet the world has become addicted to disinformation.
7586
7587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2cph/since_the_rise_of_the_internet_the_world_has/ (river_tree_nut)
7588	%
7589	If someone found a way to control ants, they could hold the world hostage given that they have already infiltrated every country (except Antarctica)
7590
7591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2ckv/if_someone_found_a_way_to_control_ants_they_could/ (zuwiboiii)
7592	%
7593	There are probably people who lived their whole lives not knowing they caused some of the world’s greatest tragedies.
7594
7595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2c54/there_are_probably_people_who_lived_their_whole/ (xcatcherontheflyx)
7596	%
7597	Losing one sock is worse than losing both of them.
7598
7599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx29nf/losing_one_sock_is_worse_than_losing_both_of_them/ (Adikovec69)
7600	%
7601	Logan and Laura from the X-Men franchise are almost just like Joel and Ellie from The Last Of Us franchise.
7602
7603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx28rw/logan_and_laura_from_the_xmen_franchise_are/ (ShadowStrike2)
7604	%
7605	People who get up late are considered lazy but people who go to bed early are not.
7606
7607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx28qi/people_who_get_up_late_are_considered_lazy_but/ (westernbraker)
7608	%
7609	There is/was a person who had taken biggest shit of the history
7610
7611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx28a4/there_iswas_a_person_who_had_taken_biggest_shit/ (suyash_21)
7612	%
7613	There's a chance that the people and strangers you walked by probably liked you and thought about you often that day
7614
7615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx281q/theres_a_chance_that_the_people_and_strangers_you/ (Deshik2)
7616	%
7617	Spellcheck doesn't get the respect it deserves
7618
7619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx27z8/spellcheck_doesnt_get_the_respect_it_deserves/ (rohm418)
7620	%
7621	It’s weird how every person knows a different version of you.
7622
7623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx27yk/its_weird_how_every_person_knows_a_different/ (joy_katie)
7624	%
7625	No matter how you do whatever you do there will always be some asshole telling you you're doing it wrong.
7626
7627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx2746/no_matter_how_you_do_whatever_you_do_there_will/ ([deleted])
7628	%
7629	Products sold on TV can either be ‘new’ or ‘improved’ but not both.
7630
7631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx22a4/products_sold_on_tv_can_either_be_new_or_improved/ (ruutuser)
7632	%
7633	You have never seen two different people with the exact same model of glasses.
7634
7635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx20a9/you_have_never_seen_two_different_people_with_the/ (Aryeii)
7636	%
7637	Everyone in the whole world could boost the economy by clicking on every ad they see for a week straight
7638
7639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1znq/everyone_in_the_whole_world_could_boost_the/ (Seedpound)
7640	%
7641	Europeans and their descendants form the majority population on 5 continents.
7642
7643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1ywa/europeans_and_their_descendants_form_the_majority/ (underYourBedReturns)
7644	%
7645	Not experiencing pain when you expect to is not worrying than experiencing pain when you don't expect to.
7646
7647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1xyl/not_experiencing_pain_when_you_expect_to_is_not/ (Caughtinjail1)
7648	%
7649	Homework is unpaid overtime.
7650
7651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1xsk/homework_is_unpaid_overtime/ (Iruinstuffalot)
7652	%
7653	The highest level of proficiency in a foreign language is not understanding its puns, but understanding that they are not funny.
7654
7655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1xqw/the_highest_level_of_proficiency_in_a_foreign/ ([deleted])
7656	%
7657	In scary situations, we shout "is anyone here?" to be less confused, but we would actually be much more confused if we got an answer
7658
7659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1vcz/in_scary_situations_we_shout_is_anyone_here_to_be/ (semsey12x)
7660	%
7661	People who never admit when they’re wrong assume they’re still right even when presented evidence. They’ll take their belief to the grave.
7662
7663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1ue8/people_who_never_admit_when_theyre_wrong_assume/ ([deleted])
7664	%
7665	If all of the working class people agreed money wasn’t worth anything more than the paper it’s printed on, the rich would become nearly worthless.
7666
7667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1u1v/if_all_of_the_working_class_people_agreed_money/ (Vslightning)
7668	%
7669	Evil is not the opposite of good, it is the absence of good.
7670
7671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1s5g/evil_is_not_the_opposite_of_good_it_is_the/ (of_little_faith)
7672	%
7673	If you try to ghost ride a self-driving car it would most likely stop, or steer away from you.
7674
7675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1rwh/if_you_try_to_ghost_ride_a_selfdriving_car_it/ (smile_is_contagious)
7676	%
7677	If you confidently challenged a Dragon Ball character to a fight, they might think you could be hiding a lot of power, even though you'd be initially seen as a weak human
7678
7679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1p6e/if_you_confidently_challenged_a_dragon_ball/ (Tramelo)
7680	%
7681	The sign of a successful leader is a company or team that runs well both with or without them.
7682
7683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1nmd/the_sign_of_a_successful_leader_is_a_company_or/ (m0nkey_news)
7684	%
7685	Technically life is a long story about how you died.
7686
7687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1l5t/technically_life_is_a_long_story_about_how_you/ ([deleted])
7688	%
7689	In 50 years only hipsters will be riding traditional bikes
7690
7691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1jpt/in_50_years_only_hipsters_will_be_riding/ (hexblot)
7692	%
7693	Friendships often start because one needs something from the other.
7694
7695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1jk5/friendships_often_start_because_one_needs/ ([deleted])
7696	%
7697	We got lucky that metals are also malleable otherwise we would have to rewire all over again if the wire broke from one point.
7698
7699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1i4x/we_got_lucky_that_metals_are_also_malleable/ (Lean_doc2)
7700	%
7701	Electronic companies could make a lot more money off of USB’s if they only sold cheap 1 MB and expensive 8 TB ones.
7702
7703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1hrz/electronic_companies_could_make_a_lot_more_money/ ([deleted])
7704	%
7705	We live in a society that preaches the virtues of "inclusion," but when a gentleman gamer requests participation in sexytime, he is mocked and rejected.
7706
7707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1gec/we_live_in_a_society_that_preaches_the_virtues_of/ (Gamers_Rising)
7708	%
7709	Wine sold in a box is considered low class, but alcohol sold in a box indicates premium spirits.
7710
7711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx1dqy/wine_sold_in_a_box_is_considered_low_class_but/ (overzeetop)
7712	%
7713	When you sleep, you’re just looking at your eyelids
7714
7715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx19j6/when_you_sleep_youre_just_looking_at_your_eyelids/ (OwlFrizion)
7716	%
7717	You know a person is evil when you see a shoe reveal before a face reveal.
7718
7719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx194r/you_know_a_person_is_evil_when_you_see_a_shoe/ (ScherlundGaming)
7720	%
7721	There are a lot of blues and yellows in the sky, but they never mix to become green.
7722
7723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx18kx/there_are_a_lot_of_blues_and_yellows_in_the_sky/ (CommentDebate)
7724	%
7725	Your Face isn't Copyrighted. You could get a tattoo of someone's face on your body and they wouldn't be able to do anything about it.
7726
7727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx17zg/your_face_isnt_copyrighted_you_could_get_a_tattoo/ (JG22396)
7728	%
7729	Nails take 40+ years to decompose, so every nail you've clipped is still out there somewhere
7730
7731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx17h6/nails_take_40_years_to_decompose_so_every_nail/ (OnlineExpat)
7732	%
7733	Your bank pin is 8008
7734
7735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx15tr/your_bank_pin_is_8008/ (cre8tors)
7736	%
7737	The reason people “act” like they are “hypnotized” is to not embarrass the hypnotist.
7738
7739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx14yn/the_reason_people_act_like_they_are_hypnotized_is/ (Aimless27)
7740	%
7741	It's the same people who are annoyed by broken English who blatantly talk in their native language with native people when they are on vacation
7742
7743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx14gq/its_the_same_people_who_are_annoyed_by_broken/ (Kudoichi)
7744	%
7745	Fish think they’re flying.
7746
7747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx142q/fish_think_theyre_flying/ ([deleted])
7748	%
7749	Edison was the epitome of speaking someone else's joke louder.
7750
7751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx13ba/edison_was_the_epitome_of_speaking_someone_elses/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
7752	%
7753	Breathe-blown balloons are the new letter bomb
7754
7755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx129u/breatheblown_balloons_are_the_new_letter_bomb/ (albene)
7756	%
7757	Rain doesn’t make any noise until it hits the ground
7758
7759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0zhn/rain_doesnt_make_any_noise_until_it_hits_the/ (pestopassta)
7760	%
7761	Life is a lot easier when your not so angry.
7762
7763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ysl/life_is_a_lot_easier_when_your_not_so_angry/ (DarthusBootus)
7764	%
7765	The vast majority of people whose left nipple isn’t constantly vibrating are dead
7766
7767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0xmp/the_vast_majority_of_people_whose_left_nipple/ (TimmyTom32)
7768	%
7769	Bodybuilders are harnessing the Earth's gravity, for power, strength and size.
7770
7771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0xhx/bodybuilders_are_harnessing_the_earths_gravity/ (mr_dopi)
7772	%
7773	dwelling in red d it has become like watching a cable news channel... only approved agendas are allowed
7774
7775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0wgu/dwelling_in_red_d_it_has_become_like_watching_a/ (dissentIsHumanity)
7776	%
7777	People who share "factual" posts without reading and researching them are literally TLDRs
7778
7779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0u6f/people_who_share_factual_posts_without_reading/ (midwestlunatic)
7780	%
7781	More kids want to go high above ground rather than to go deep below the seas
7782
7783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0tk1/more_kids_want_to_go_high_above_ground_rather/ (CoachFarted)
7784	%
7785	People tend to make rules for others, and exceptions for themselves.
7786
7787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0tf3/people_tend_to_make_rules_for_others_and/ (YZXFILE)
7788	%
7789	Banks are full of pictures of dead people.
7790
7791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0r05/banks_are_full_of_pictures_of_dead_people/ ([deleted])
7792	%
7793	The fact that the word 'aggressive' has two 'G's and two 'S's seems aggressive.
7794
7795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ola/the_fact_that_the_word_aggressive_has_two_gs_and/ (crossang)
7796	%
7797	A 1/10 first world problem is that internetless moment when you are leaving your flat
7798
7799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0o9s/a_110_first_world_problem_is_that_internetless/ (tiedurden)
7800	%
7801	There could be another you from another universe that is exactly the same as you on earth staring into the same mirror you are looking at.
7802
7803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0nxf/there_could_be_another_you_from_another_universe/ ([deleted])
7804	%
7805	There are roughly as many people as boobs.
7806
7807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0nry/there_are_roughly_as_many_people_as_boobs/ (LittleJohnny_nutter)
7808	%
7809	We’re all just collecting data for our files.
7810
7811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0lqq/were_all_just_collecting_data_for_our_files/ (Masterclownfish)
7812	%
7813	Most foods sound the same.
7814
7815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0l6w/most_foods_sound_the_same/ (Puskock)
7816	%
7817	Fighter pilots would need much more of an extreme ride to have fun on a rollercoaster
7818
7819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0kyc/fighter_pilots_would_need_much_more_of_an_extreme/ (ludons)
7820	%
7821	If you were sat on top of your own voodoo doll, you wouldn’t be able to get up.
7822
7823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ks2/if_you_were_sat_on_top_of_your_own_voodoo_doll/ (BramleyPie)
7824	%
7825	instant noodles take at least 3 minutes to cook, thus it's not instant
7826
7827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0keq/instant_noodles_take_at_least_3_minutes_to_cook/ (ReisenINABAoneechan)
7828	%
7829	A quick way to bear witness to your financial state is by taking note of where the needle on your fuel gauge has been
7830
7831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ji2/a_quick_way_to_bear_witness_to_your_financial/ ([deleted])
7832	%
7833	The average human has 1 testicle and 1 boob
7834
7835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ibm/the_average_human_has_1_testicle_and_1_boob/ ([deleted])
7836	%
7837	George Lucas named the main character in Star Wars after himself.
7838
7839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0i9z/george_lucas_named_the_main_character_in_star/ (squirrelgalaxy)
7840	%
7841	Hard candies are saliva enhancers
7842
7843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0i7m/hard_candies_are_saliva_enhancers/ (MrBoxman45)
7844	%
7845	The people who post “big things coming” and “stay tuned” will, at some point, try to sell you MLM products or real estate.
7846
7847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0huz/the_people_who_post_big_things_coming_and_stay/ (Christinedrink)
7848	%
7849	Horoscopes are excuses for shitty people to rationalize their behavior
7850
7851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0hk0/horoscopes_are_excuses_for_shitty_people_to/ (ToastTheBagels)
7852	%
7853	The fist person to drink cow's milk must've been a real weirdo .. or very thirsty/hungry ..
7854
7855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0g5c/the_fist_person_to_drink_cows_milk_mustve_been_a/ ([deleted])
7856	%
7857	People with invisibility powers wouldn't be able to see anything because light would come through their eyes and not in
7858
7859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0ep3/people_with_invisibility_powers_wouldnt_be_able/ (YaBoiEgron)
7860	%
7861	Rolling papers are worth nothing until you need one
7862
7863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0e74/rolling_papers_are_worth_nothing_until_you_need/ (hkcin)
7864	%
7865	Every t‌‌ime y‌‌ou t‌‌hink h‌‌ow s‌‌mart y‌‌ou a‌‌re, i‌‌t i‌‌s a‌‌ctually y‌‌our b‌‌rain c‌‌ompliments i‌‌tself.
7866
7867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx0dhy/every_time_you_think_how_smart_you_are_it_is/ (vpetrychuk)
7868	%
7869	We are advancing technologically, but we are regressing as humans
7870
7871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx09n0/we_are_advancing_technologically_but_we_are/ (crow047)
7872	%
7873	Guys get complimented rarely and mocked often, so they remember the compliments. Girls get complimented often and mocked rarely, so they remember the insults.
7874
7875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx092c/guys_get_complimented_rarely_and_mocked_often_so/ (JackBlacksBallSack)
7876	%
7877	It's easy to kill our happiness but its difficult to kill our sadness.
7878
7879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx06nf/its_easy_to_kill_our_happiness_but_its_difficult/ (Benny_Boi246)
7880	%
7881	Sometimes one feels like the two ends of a loaf of bread.You're there but never mattered.
7882
7883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx05zi/sometimes_one_feels_like_the_two_ends_of_a_loaf/ (fernandeztahi)
7884	%
7885	There’s is no key to happiness. Happiness is the key and it unlocks contentment.
7886
7887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx05f3/theres_is_no_key_to_happiness_happiness_is_the/ (lightly_salted_fetus)
7888	%
7889	A lot these coverings could actually be recycled bras
7890
7891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx04yq/a_lot_these_coverings_could_actually_be_recycled/ (TheBestestBeanage)
7892	%
7893	The biggest lie in porn is that women are always in the mood and never too tired.
7894
7895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx03xn/the_biggest_lie_in_porn_is_that_women_are_always/ ([deleted])
7896	%
7897	Bologna is a hotdog pancake.
7898
7899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx037i/bologna_is_a_hotdog_pancake/ (EzraSteel)
7900	%
7901	T.G.I. Fridays is a capitalist enterprise whose identity is based on the collective disdain people have for capitalist enterprises.
7902
7903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx02p4/tgi_fridays_is_a_capitalist_enterprise_whose/ (Omnipotent_Napkin)
7904	%
7905	Your stomach forces you to feed it or it eventually kills you
7906
7907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx02mi/your_stomach_forces_you_to_feed_it_or_it/ (Titan_Royale)
7908	%
7909	At some point, there will be more social media accounts belonging to dead people that were never deleted than counts that belong to the living
7910
7911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx02hw/at_some_point_there_will_be_more_social_media/ (meowzafish)
7912	%
7913	There is no need for a podium in the competition for the tallest man
7914
7915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hx01rm/there_is_no_need_for_a_podium_in_the_competition/ (oggemagnum)
7916	%
7917	The fact that it’s a social norm to shelter and protect your kids is our society acknowledging that the world is a shitty place
7918
7919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzyzu/the_fact_that_its_a_social_norm_to_shelter_and/ (GameofFame)
7920	%
7921	Wishing someone happy birthday is always belated, because it's years after they were born.
7922
7923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzyse/wishing_someone_happy_birthday_is_always_belated/ (plaguedoc)
7924	%
7925	Shoes aren’t a good representation of what feet look like
7926
7927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzxwq/shoes_arent_a_good_representation_of_what_feet/ (xXImm0R74LXx)
7928	%
7929	everybody is named after their fathers and mothers
7930
7931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzxvz/everybody_is_named_after_their_fathers_and_mothers/ (MadsHK)
7932	%
7933	When using gadget, all you do is looking at squares changing colors
7934
7935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzxng/when_using_gadget_all_you_do_is_looking_at/ (Kolos182)
7936	%
7937	Papers are worth nothing until you need one
7938
7939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzx5c/papers_are_worth_nothing_until_you_need_one/ ([deleted])
7940	%
7941	If we (somehow) hadn't evolved to find babies cute or adorable, overpopulation would never have been a problem.
7942
7943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzwhr/if_we_somehow_hadnt_evolved_to_find_babies_cute/ ([deleted])
7944	%
7945	It’s impossible for a mii on mii maker to not have a chin
7946
7947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzvqn/its_impossible_for_a_mii_on_mii_maker_to_not_have/ (HiimPlectrum)
7948	%
7949	When you snap your fingers, the sound is created from your middle finger hitting your palm, NOT your middle finger rubbing your thumb.
7950
7951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzvq1/when_you_snap_your_fingers_the_sound_is_created/ (anshul199999999)
7952	%
7953	With the rise of electric cars, one day children will stop drawing fire spiting exhaust pipes, they will rather lightning throwing wheel or engines
7954
7955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzuns/with_the_rise_of_electric_cars_one_day_children/ (Thanos_meant_it_well)
7956	%
7957	Since fire exist in gaseous state, air benders can technically bend an existing flame.
7958
7959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzuh7/since_fire_exist_in_gaseous_state_air_benders_can/ (NoOne77492)
7960	%
7961	"Maybe the brain is really hard to understand because our own brain is deeply afraid to trully understand how a brain work ?"
7962
7963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwztbw/maybe_the_brain_is_really_hard_to_understand/ ([deleted])
7964	%
7965	You can never really get the tone of voice in a comment post.
7966
7967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzt7r/you_can_never_really_get_the_tone_of_voice_in_a/ (zuwiboiii)
7968	%
7969	Most shirts have a tiny cape in them if you turn them inside out
7970
7971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzs7g/most_shirts_have_a_tiny_cape_in_them_if_you_turn/ (murderedcats)
7972	%
7973	Your fingers are slowly 3D printing your fingernails
7974
7975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzs5v/your_fingers_are_slowly_3d_printing_your/ (FenchBadScienceGood)
7976	%
7977	The closest thing we have to a superhero is the guy who got shocked by lightning seven times.
7978
7979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzows/the_closest_thing_we_have_to_a_superhero_is_the/ ([deleted])
7980	%
7981	No one will ever hear your voice the way you hear it.
7982
7983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzlyd/no_one_will_ever_hear_your_voice_the_way_you_hear/ (GuruSsum)
7984	%
7985	They always draw famous people in shows like simpsons and rick and morty with wide eyes
7986
7987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzlxb/they_always_draw_famous_people_in_shows_like/ (NeonWolfen)
7988	%
7989	There is a very fine line between being lazy and being efficient
7990
7991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzl7g/there_is_a_very_fine_line_between_being_lazy_and/ (Torch_Lord)
7992	%
7993	Electricity is electron servitude but with extra steps.
7994
7995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzkw4/electricity_is_electron_servitude_but_with_extra/ (zuwiboiii)
7996	%
7997	With the world becoming increasingly more digital, the making of paper may one day become an artisan skill.
7998
7999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzkqd/with_the_world_becoming_increasingly_more_digital/ (Kevakazi)
8000	%
8001	There has to be a certain group of people who got caught watching step-parent porn by their step-parent.
8002
8003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzk9e/there_has_to_be_a_certain_group_of_people_who_got/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
8004	%
8005	People with glasses are smarter because lower graphics helps the brain to run better .
8006
8007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzjsj/people_with_glasses_are_smarter_because_lower/ (luizfaria22)
8008	%
8009	If there was life on one of Jupiter’s moons, they’d probably think of Jupiter the way we think of the Sun
8010
8011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzih7/if_there_was_life_on_one_of_jupiters_moons_theyd/ (textbookidiot)
8012	%
8013	If you had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find you attractive, girls would find you attactive
8014
8015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzgni/if_you_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_didnt/ ([deleted])
8016	%
8017	The main character of a tv show/movie or book is never anyone's favorite character.
8018
8019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzfp0/the_main_character_of_a_tv_showmovie_or_book_is/ ([deleted])
8020	%
8021	Society would not work without trust. We trust the bus driver that he won't kill us, we trust the other drivers that they won't drive into us, we trust the restaurant cook that he won't posion our food.
8022
8023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzfi9/society_would_not_work_without_trust_we_trust_the/ (dominorr)
8024	%
8025	Colonist either got much lazier or much smarter about making state borders the further West they got
8026
8027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzdrv/colonist_either_got_much_lazier_or_much_smarter/ (agosset2)
8028	%
8029	You shouldn’t be able to see the wrong way signs if you’re going the right way...
8030
8031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzcup/you_shouldnt_be_able_to_see_the_wrong_way_signs/ (ma_sonic)
8032	%
8033	Everyone stops smoking... eventually.
8034
8035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzckf/everyone_stops_smoking_eventually/ (spinn80)
8036	%
8037	When you shake an egg shaker, you are an egg shaker.
8038
8039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzch3/when_you_shake_an_egg_shaker_you_are_an_egg_shaker/ (_joj)
8040	%
8041	Because the Platypus can lay eggs and produce milk, it's one of the few animals that can make it's own custard.
8042
8043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwzby8/because_the_platypus_can_lay_eggs_and_produce/ ([deleted])
8044	%
8045	People would stop using big red circles if we put them in porn to demonstrate how annoying they are
8046
8047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz829/people_would_stop_using_big_red_circles_if_we_put/ (NeatCockroach)
8048	%
8049	Even though no one told us to do it, we speak 'L M N O' faster than we do the rest of the alphabet.
8050
8051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz7fx/even_though_no_one_told_us_to_do_it_we_speak_l_m/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
8052	%
8053	Maybe storm troopers had bad aim because like Finn they realised what they were doing is wrong.. but they don't want to be killed by any sith lords/higher in command for disobeying so, they purposely miss. Allowing the rebels to get upperhand
8054
8055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz5yo/maybe_storm_troopers_had_bad_aim_because_like/ (grandpoox)
8056	%
8057	If dogs one day ruled the world we wouldn't care because they're too cute
8058
8059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz3pl/if_dogs_one_day_ruled_the_world_we_wouldnt_care/ (Shwolak)
8060	%
8061	Your humour is a representation of cultures you've been exposed to.
8062
8063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwz11y/your_humour_is_a_representation_of_cultures_youve/ (Toasted_Compass776)
8064	%
8065	maybe each neuron in the brain is conscious and thinks it is the only consciousness running the body...
8066
8067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwywsa/maybe_each_neuron_in_the_brain_is_conscious_and/ (jiohdi1960)
8068	%
8069	Stop bullying men for their height, hair and penis. These are completely uncontrollable so you have no right to criticise someone, bully or harass them about it. If you do, you are absolutely pathetic.
8070
8071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyral/stop_bullying_men_for_their_height_hair_and_penis/ (LittleJohnny_nutter)
8072	%
8073	We never sunburn our palms because it's the place with the biggest amount of Sun cream.
8074
8075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyqxu/we_never_sunburn_our_palms_because_its_the_place/ (antoniomanuel10)
8076	%
8077	The creation of life is truly weird. From a rich soup of elements, a creature that sustained itself and reproduced was born.
8078
8079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwypzw/the_creation_of_life_is_truly_weird_from_a_rich/ (IsThisEvenRight)
8080	%
8081	Technically We're traveling into the future with every passing second.
8082
8083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyoh9/technically_were_traveling_into_the_future_with/ (ghostx017)
8084	%
8085	The sun has never seen a shadow.
8086
8087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyly5/the_sun_has_never_seen_a_shadow/ (Trompeterin)
8088	%
8089	The human brain named itself.
8090
8091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwylp3/the_human_brain_named_itself/ ([deleted])
8092	%
8093	Being a superhero is the most ineffective way to bring peace and justice to society.
8094
8095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyl8d/being_a_superhero_is_the_most_ineffective_way_to/ (zuwiboiii)
8096	%
8097	Everything stops being fun when you know you ought to be enjoying it.
8098
8099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwykq5/everything_stops_being_fun_when_you_know_you/ (Breeze_in_the_Trees)
8100	%
8101	We have all held a World Record Before.
8102
8103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyknh/we_have_all_held_a_world_record_before/ (JadenMF)
8104	%
8105	Anal sex is sliding into someone's BMs
8106
8107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwykl8/anal_sex_is_sliding_into_someones_bms/ ([deleted])
8108	%
8109	Starfish have no fingers but can still give a high 5.
8110
8111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyk32/starfish_have_no_fingers_but_can_still_give_a/ (Breeze_in_the_Trees)
8112	%
8113	Being invisible will make you very clumsy, since you can't see were your body parts are at
8114
8115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyjq4/being_invisible_will_make_you_very_clumsy_since/ (johnburnt)
8116	%
8117	SpaceX and NASA probably have a bunch of closet religi0us employees, but zero closet flat earthers
8118
8119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyh1f/spacex_and_nasa_probably_have_a_bunch_of_closet/ (NVJayNub)
8120	%
8121	Since pregnant people will always exist, the average number of skeletons in a human body is higher than one
8122
8123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwygwd/since_pregnant_people_will_always_exist_the/ ([deleted])
8124	%
8125	Black holes are the roundest objects in the universe
8126
8127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyggy/black_holes_are_the_roundest_objects_in_the/ (Myyyystic)
8128	%
8129	We live in a society where, Pizza gets delivered to your house before the Police
8130
8131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyfha/we_live_in_a_society_where_pizza_gets_delivered/ (CodexGod)
8132	%
8133	We consider people who talk to themselves out loud are fools. But if that’s true , we are all fools, since we are always talking inside our head
8134
8135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyeub/we_consider_people_who_talk_to_themselves_out/ ([deleted])
8136	%
8137	When you take a picture with a mascot, the person in the suit probably smiles out of habit too.
8138
8139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwydba/when_you_take_a_picture_with_a_mascot_the_person/ (NunSammich)
8140	%
8141	You only notice your floors are creaky when sneaking around in the middle of the night.
8142
8143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwybrq/you_only_notice_your_floors_are_creaky_when/ (Qwirx)
8144	%
8145	Technically, an spacesuit protects an astronaut from nothing
8146
8147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwyar9/technically_an_spacesuit_protects_an_astronaut/ (Coronabeer67843)
8148	%
8149	If Thomas’ Driver killed someone by rolling over him on Thomas,The driver will be entirely safe,and Thomas,who was completely innocent will be scrapped.
8150
8151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwya28/if_thomas_driver_killed_someone_by_rolling_over/ (tttecapsulelover)
8152	%
8153	Most delivery boys first delivery was Oak’s Parcel in Pokémon
8154
8155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy9ze/most_delivery_boys_first_delivery_was_oaks_parcel/ (priestbox)
8156	%
8157	The first caveman to drink oceanwater must have been so confused.
8158
8159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy9qw/the_first_caveman_to_drink_oceanwater_must_have/ (meandnotsomeonelse)
8160	%
8161	Drawing a gun is not "deescalating", or "peacefully resolving" a situation, even when no shots need to be fired.
8162
8163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy9po/drawing_a_gun_is_not_deescalating_or_peacefully/ (ColeusRattus)
8164	%
8165	Naïve has two E’s in it, but we can only see one.
8166
8167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy94h/naïve_has_two_es_in_it_but_we_can_only_see_one/ (WhereMySauce)
8168	%
8169	The person who discovered marijuana is indirectly responsible for so many things that people have created while under the influence(music, movie scripts etc)
8170
8171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy8uq/the_person_who_discovered_marijuana_is_indirectly/ ([deleted])
8172	%
8173	The darker it gets, the less light you need to see.
8174
8175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy8mh/the_darker_it_gets_the_less_light_you_need_to_see/ (122A)
8176	%
8177	Cooking could be know as food engineering.
8178
8179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy7yi/cooking_could_be_know_as_food_engineering/ (zuwiboiii)
8180	%
8181	Thing from the Adams family would make an excellent sorcerer supreme.
8182
8183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy624/thing_from_the_adams_family_would_make_an/ (zuwiboiii)
8184	%
8185	We consider humans to be the evolution of apes , but we never consider apes to be the evolution of humans.
8186
8187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy5is/we_consider_humans_to_be_the_evolution_of_apes/ (Shicxo)
8188	%
8189	Gen Z won't know how to cook, but the generation after them probably will
8190
8191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy507/gen_z_wont_know_how_to_cook_but_the_generation/ (NobleSkull1)
8192	%
8193	People virtue signal about how being a virgin isn't a big deal, yet one of the most common and effective insults they use against men is "virgin loser".
8194
8195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy2c5/people_virtue_signal_about_how_being_a_virgin/ ([deleted])
8196	%
8197	Tech companies are competing to create amazing wide screen high def TVs and monitors... while users watch portrait low res Tik Tok videos.
8198
8199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy15z/tech_companies_are_competing_to_create_amazing/ (shawn-appel)
8200	%
8201	You don't need a parachute to skydive, you only need a parachute to skydive twice.
8202
8203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy0v1/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_skydive_you_only/ (RiadRocky444)
8204	%
8205	Everything is a consumable, some things can just be used longer than others.
8206
8207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwy0ks/everything_is_a_consumable_some_things_can_just/ (Shadowphyre98)
8208	%
8209	String Cheese is a lot like life
8210
8211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxzjy/string_cheese_is_a_lot_like_life/ ([deleted])
8212	%
8213	Halloween is the Starbucks and Ugg Boots of holidays.
8214
8215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxzb8/halloween_is_the_starbucks_and_ugg_boots_of/ (itsnunyabusiness)
8216	%
8217	Hayden Christiensen the actor isn't a jedi master
8218
8219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxyxo/hayden_christiensen_the_actor_isnt_a_jedi_master/ (Johnzander0)
8220	%
8221	You only have one birthday the rest are anniversaries.
8222
8223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxx10/you_only_have_one_birthday_the_rest_are/ ([deleted])
8224	%
8225	People that use multiple alarms to wake up disrupt their sleep sooner to make disrupting their sleep later, easier.
8226
8227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxwsa/people_that_use_multiple_alarms_to_wake_up/ (opvertex)
8228	%
8229	The mac book is not ok
8230
8231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxv6m/the_mac_book_is_not_ok/ (BigThinkNumber9)
8232	%
8233	if we reversed the roles of simping it becomes a harem
8234
8235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxtac/if_we_reversed_the_roles_of_simping_it_becomes_a/ (someoneudontno1)
8236	%
8237	Person woman man camera TV.
8238
8239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxsno/person_woman_man_camera_tv/ (justsund)
8240	%
8241	Offering a facial can have different meanings depending on the gender.
8242
8243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxrzs/offering_a_facial_can_have_different_meanings/ (TheOGCJ)
8244	%
8245	Economy is actually way more powerful than magic
8246
8247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxq9o/economy_is_actually_way_more_powerful_than_magic/ (inckalt)
8248	%
8249	When you are eating a fruit you are eating what plants use to reproduce
8250
8251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxq0x/when_you_are_eating_a_fruit_you_are_eating_what/ ([deleted])
8252	%
8253	Cats in close vicinity we go aww, wild ones like tigers, panthers we go aww shit
8254
8255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxoi8/cats_in_close_vicinity_we_go_aww_wild_ones_like/ (majorwtf)
8256	%
8257	"The human brain is the most complex organ in the human body"- quote from the human brain.
8258
8259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxohx/the_human_brain_is_the_most_complex_organ_in_the/ (zuwiboiii)
8260	%
8261	As smartphones improves, we are spending more money on something that is less of a phone
8262
8263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxn4s/as_smartphones_improves_we_are_spending_more/ (roastbeefseth)
8264	%
8265	If things like cancer and ALS were contagious we would probably be much more eager to find a cure.
8266
8267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxm0f/if_things_like_cancer_and_als_were_contagious_we/ (Psyanide5210)
8268	%
8269	The inventor of the high-five is likely still alive.
8270
8271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxlyt/the_inventor_of_the_highfive_is_likely_still_alive/ (paraapagarbem)
8272	%
8273	The last Jedi was a Star Wars movie for people who have never seen Star Wars.
8274
8275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxl8d/the_last_jedi_was_a_star_wars_movie_for_people/ (victosity)
8276	%
8277	If you don’t want to get caught stealing, don’t steal and you’ll never be caught.
8278
8279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxkqt/if_you_dont_want_to_get_caught_stealing_dont/ (VietnamWaffles)
8280	%
8281	Everyone in vegas is a vegan
8282
8283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxino/everyone_in_vegas_is_a_vegan/ (Johnzander0)
8284	%
8285	Your kids birthday is your Momiversary or Dadiversary
8286
8287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxi0o/your_kids_birthday_is_your_momiversary_or/ (eipiminus1)
8288	%
8289	Everyone on earth who have travelled bellow sea level could be considered a terranaut.
8290
8291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxh5l/everyone_on_earth_who_have_travelled_bellow_sea/ (zuwiboiii)
8292	%
8293	Life is technically a "pay to win" game.
8294
8295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxh3j/life_is_technically_a_pay_to_win_game/ (johnthejohnlywarlord)
8296	%
8297	Most of Mr. Robot was pair-programming between Elliot and Mr. Robot
8298
8299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxgk5/most_of_mr_robot_was_pairprogramming_between/ (masculardwarf)
8300	%
8301	Many of us watch the sun rise and set, but barely anyone watches the moon rise and set
8302
8303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxgbf/many_of_us_watch_the_sun_rise_and_set_but_barely/ (Firestrike2000_)
8304	%
8305	Defibrillators work by the same concept as hitting the TV to make it workrk
8306
8307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxe2i/defibrillators_work_by_the_same_concept_as/ (Ak171)
8308	%
8309	Unlike ice, snow has a distinct flavor.
8310
8311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxdfa/unlike_ice_snow_has_a_distinct_flavor/ (MaxedOutGames)
8312	%
8313	There are more rockets made out of LEGOs than made out of anything else
8314
8315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxcnl/there_are_more_rockets_made_out_of_legos_than/ (craklyn)
8316	%
8317	It's a good job the guy who discovered microwaves didn't have a flake in his pocket
8318
8319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxba9/its_a_good_job_the_guy_who_discovered_microwaves/ (SidneyBean)
8320	%
8321	The human rectum burns after spicy food, because it also has a taste sense like our tounge
8322
8323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxayx/the_human_rectum_burns_after_spicy_food_because/ (unaviable)
8324	%
8325	You know it's bad when you are actually waiting on more chaos to happen
8326
8327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxa7p/you_know_its_bad_when_you_are_actually_waiting_on/ (Lord_Azian)
8328	%
8329	Biting into snow hurts a lot less than biting into ice cream
8330
8331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxa77/biting_into_snow_hurts_a_lot_less_than_biting/ (im-at-soup)
8332	%
8333	In order for a family tree to grow, it must first be watered with semen.
8334
8335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwxa1f/in_order_for_a_family_tree_to_grow_it_must_first/ ([deleted])
8336	%
8337	Your technically a free agent if your not in your senior year, and in senior year is when you test free agency.
8338
8339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx8wr/your_technically_a_free_agent_if_your_not_in_your/ (steveplaysmm)
8340	%
8341	We effectively employ our pets to be animals, they are paid in food and shelter.
8342
8343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx8hj/we_effectively_employ_our_pets_to_be_animals_they/ (rip-to-my-son-donnay)
8344	%
8345	Grandparents are usually compassionate
8346
8347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx7zn/grandparents_are_usually_compassionate/ (pmurk01)
8348	%
8349	Someone somewhere has created a micro penis dildo.
8350
8351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx7pp/someone_somewhere_has_created_a_micro_penis_dildo/ (LucasTheSchnauzer)
8352	%
8353	Many new friends we made in school only happened because we didn't get to choose our own seats.
8354
8355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx7lg/many_new_friends_we_made_in_school_only_happened/ (Williamboss131)
8356	%
8357	You only catch gullible fish.
8358
8359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx6td/you_only_catch_gullible_fish/ (HuntSven95)
8360	%
8361	Maybe the protagonist is going to beat the game soon and we are all just experiencing the end levels as NPCs/side characters.
8362
8363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx6nq/maybe_the_protagonist_is_going_to_beat_the_game/ (xdaemonisx)
8364	%
8365	All jokes made about someones death will age badly
8366
8367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx6he/all_jokes_made_about_someones_death_will_age_badly/ (subhi2)
8368	%
8369	The human race can exterminate all life on the planet in seconds and is the only species willing to do it
8370
8371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx5l5/the_human_race_can_exterminate_all_life_on_the/ (gizmuo)
8372	%
8373	There are roughly as many people as testicles.
8374
8375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx5jf/there_are_roughly_as_many_people_as_testicles/ (Phrostite)
8376	%
8377	The world ends when the leaders lose their power, and they blow it up in a fit of rage.
8378
8379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx5j1/the_world_ends_when_the_leaders_lose_their_power/ (nullstoned)
8380	%
8381	Most people don't second guess opinions from the 3rd person
8382
8383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx4cw/most_people_dont_second_guess_opinions_from_the/ (crashandburn_)
8384	%
8385	Some plants have spice as a defense mechanism and we humans love it
8386
8387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx47u/some_plants_have_spice_as_a_defense_mechanism_and/ (Turtgang42)
8388	%
8389	Grass is the hair of land.
8390
8391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx3vo/grass_is_the_hair_of_land/ ([deleted])
8392	%
8393	Hangman has an extremely dark origin yet we still play it in school
8394
8395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx3va/hangman_has_an_extremely_dark_origin_yet_we_still/ (synretro)
8396	%
8397	There's a chance inside of us we have our own universe with intelligent beings far different from us. Maybe we're inside a somethings body as well
8398
8399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx2th/theres_a_chance_inside_of_us_we_have_our_own/ (grandpoox)
8400	%
8401	It's entirely possible that Sigmund Freud had a weird thing for his mom and just assumed everyone else did too.
8402
8403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx28h/its_entirely_possible_that_sigmund_freud_had_a/ (tkcool73)
8404	%
8405	Base building game accounts could be an inheritable entity through generations.
8406
8407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx1v1/base_building_game_accounts_could_be_an/ (unnecessary_Fullstop)
8408	%
8409	Oatmeal Is the Only Acceptable Soggy Cereal.
8410
8411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwx06l/oatmeal_is_the_only_acceptable_soggy_cereal/ (Entity_303_name)
8412	%
8413	If our ancestors would’ve breed Bears instead of Wolves, then we would all have tiny cute Bears as pets instead of Dogs.
8414
8415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwzoo/if_our_ancestors_wouldve_breed_bears_instead_of/ (animalcrossingfa)
8416	%
8417	teachers are more likely to give less marks to students who always get less marks than students who always get good marks for the same answer
8418
8419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwzkx/teachers_are_more_likely_to_give_less_marks_to/ (anshul199999999)
8420	%
8421	People need to stop giving a fuck and start being more grateful that they have the things they need.
8422
8423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwyv0/people_need_to_stop_giving_a_fuck_and_start_being/ (DELAGZ)
8424	%
8425	Expect nothing and you'll be happier with what you get.
8426
8427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwyoa/expect_nothing_and_youll_be_happier_with_what_you/ (Tuppytuppy)
8428	%
8429	The chances you’ve already posed for the photo used in your obituary is high.
8430
8431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwx2r/the_chances_youve_already_posed_for_the_photo/ (5thCharmer)
8432	%
8433	There’s probably a lot less ninja throwing star injuries than there was in the nineties
8434
8435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwwkj/theres_probably_a_lot_less_ninja_throwing_star/ (step6666)
8436	%
8437	Society has been getting increasingly complex and overly complicated throughout history
8438
8439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwww5d/society_has_been_getting_increasingly_complex_and/ (Lord_Azian)
8440	%
8441	A dog is loyal, hardworking and gives unconditional love, yet the word 'dog' is only ever used as an insult.
8442
8443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwufe/a_dog_is_loyal_hardworking_and_gives/ (IAmSawyer)
8444	%
8445	Butt hair is actually fart suppressor
8446
8447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwtl5/butt_hair_is_actually_fart_suppressor/ (Kwiyo)
8448	%
8449	All moments are technically historical moments.
8450
8451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwws2l/all_moments_are_technically_historical_moments/ (polygone722)
8452	%
8453	The story of the Titanic is similar to the Tower of Babel, people were overconfident it wouldn't sink but it ended up sinking anyway.
8454
8455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwrwl/the_story_of_the_titanic_is_similar_to_the_tower/ (Lolzemeister)
8456	%
8457	The Marble Machine and Marble Machine X will likely go down in history as legendary creations, just how Da Vinci's creations did.
8458
8459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwrb3/the_marble_machine_and_marble_machine_x_will/ (DooderBoiCobra)
8460	%
8461	As long as you don't go to bed with them, you are always assuming their gender.
8462
8463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwr6v/as_long_as_you_dont_go_to_bed_with_them_you_are/ (AuthorTheCartoonist)
8464	%
8465	Every invention depends on a past invention
8466
8467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwp8w/every_invention_depends_on_a_past_invention/ (Karoner)
8468	%
8469	Every day some guy takes the world's largest shit without even realising it
8470
8471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwntp/every_day_some_guy_takes_the_worlds_largest_shit/ (BoomBamBop08R)
8472	%
8473	Everyone's brain's perception of colour may be different and we might not even know about it
8474
8475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwkq4/everyones_brains_perception_of_colour_may_be/ ([deleted])
8476	%
8477	Calling someone unique is one of the most generic compliments you can give
8478
8479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwkpu/calling_someone_unique_is_one_of_the_most_generic/ (TheSwanSennin)
8480	%
8481	Brush your fucking teeth
8482
8483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwih8/brush_your_fucking_teeth/ (Fuc________)
8484	%
8485	You’ve unintentionally photobombed hundreds of pictures taken of Earth
8486
8487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwhfl/youve_unintentionally_photobombed_hundreds_of/ (TheRealRafIsHere)
8488	%
8489	Going to school or work really helps in remembering what day of the week it is.
8490
8491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwh8h/going_to_school_or_work_really_helps_in/ (legocat813)
8492	%
8493	Your pay is based on how good you are an thinking about how to rearrange molecules and atoms.
8494
8495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwgeh/your_pay_is_based_on_how_good_you_are_an_thinking/ (yeetimusprimemoney55)
8496	%
8497	If you’re not talented at anything, chances are that thing hasn’t been invented yet
8498
8499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwwcx5/if_youre_not_talented_at_anything_chances_are/ (DrDuck231)
8500	%
8501	Fax machines were the first text messages
8502
8503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww793/fax_machines_were_the_first_text_messages/ (justfarmingdownvotes)
8504	%
8505	There are probably people that are supremely, groundbreakingly gifted in a particular field/sport that will never be discovered because they have never been exposed to it
8506
8507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww73x/there_are_probably_people_that_are_supremely/ (mavyapsy)
8508	%
8509	Fat guys actually keep their abs protected under layers of fat
8510
8511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww6hr/fat_guys_actually_keep_their_abs_protected_under/ (PlayVinnieBoy)
8512	%
8513	You won’t know the moment you lost a memory.
8514
8515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww5cc/you_wont_know_the_moment_you_lost_a_memory/ (ebtwel)
8516	%
8517	Anything in the air is a UFO if you're dumb enough
8518
8519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww3h8/anything_in_the_air_is_a_ufo_if_youre_dumb_enough/ (zeldalvr)
8520	%
8521	That moment when someone mentions that the given situation is "awkward" or "embarrassing" is even more so than the original situation itself.
8522
8523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww08e/that_moment_when_someone_mentions_that_the_given/ (TheAdventureInsider)
8524	%
8525	“The dead are always watching over you” can either sound threatening or comforting depending on the context
8526
8527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hww030/the_dead_are_always_watching_over_you_can_either/ (aliengames666)
8528	%
8529	That moment when someone says that the situation is "awkward" or "embarrassing" is even more so than the original situation itself.
8530
8531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvypk/that_moment_when_someone_says_that_the_situation/ ([deleted])
8532	%
8533	Surprisingly low number of donation seekers explain what they will do with the donations.
8534
8535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvy96/surprisingly_low_number_of_donation_seekers/ (_bill_watterson_)
8536	%
8537	If the average cost of a funeral is $9,000 USD, a good portion of people can’t afford to die.
8538
8539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvxo2/if_the_average_cost_of_a_funeral_is_9000_usd_a/ (Mahagoney-locket)
8540	%
8541	When you are watching a movie/video, you’re watching things that happened happening
8542
8543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvvv9/when_you_are_watching_a_movievideo_youre_watching/ (TsarKashmere)
8544	%
8545	If the 90s had a smell, it'd be cucumber melon.
8546
8547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvujv/if_the_90s_had_a_smell_itd_be_cucumber_melon/ (Overfrozen)
8548	%
8549	You might've been made merely because of an organism attempting to create an orgasm. Just an odd way to think of it
8550
8551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvplg/you_mightve_been_made_merely_because_of_an/ (Elliot_Mirage_Witt)
8552	%
8553	We take skin for granted. We’d all probably be very upset if we didn’t have any.
8554
8555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvphl/we_take_skin_for_granted_wed_all_probably_be_very/ (Ng_Ago)
8556	%
8557	Pharmaceutical group commercials sound a lot like vague threats at the audience to limit medical innovation.
8558
8559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvpa1/pharmaceutical_group_commercials_sound_a_lot_like/ (pimpmastahanhduece)
8560	%
8561	Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner are always happening simultaneously on Earth. "Brenchner"
8562
8563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvolu/breakfast_lunch_and_dinner_are_always_happening/ (Soulfox1988)
8564	%
8565	There are very few animals on earth that humans haven’t killed at least one of
8566
8567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvnzh/there_are_very_few_animals_on_earth_that_humans/ (skyhigh527)
8568	%
8569	The 21st century skipped over the “roaring 20s” decade and went straight into the Great Depression.
8570
8571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvnxy/the_21st_century_skipped_over_the_roaring_20s/ (AGroupofThisIsCalled)
8572	%
8573	Pharmaceutical group commercials sound a lot vague threats to limit innovation to the audience.
8574
8575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvnfd/pharmaceutical_group_commercials_sound_a_lot/ ([deleted])
8576	%
8577	Life is a part of death, not the other way around.
8578
8579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvmzu/life_is_a_part_of_death_not_the_other_way_around/ (Ten4cious_B)
8580	%
8581	Modern game consoles that are kept new in the box will be worth a lot in 20-30 years due to nostalgia.
8582
8583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvm21/modern_game_consoles_that_are_kept_new_in_the_box/ (Overfrozen)
8584	%
8585	People who just tell others to get help aren't giving any
8586
8587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvjr7/people_who_just_tell_others_to_get_help_arent/ (rnielsen777)
8588	%
8589	Sleep is us taking a break from our life.
8590
8591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvj4o/sleep_is_us_taking_a_break_from_our_life/ (zzuhruf)
8592	%
8593	Most expensive cars (Lamborghinis, Bugattis, etc) are actually much less safe to drive than cheaper alternatives like a Ford or Chevy.
8594
8595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvizj/most_expensive_cars_lamborghinis_bugattis_etc_are/ (BunsCanoli)
8596	%
8597	The initial reaction you have after choking on water is to drink more water.
8598
8599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvill/the_initial_reaction_you_have_after_choking_on/ (PurpleDragonX)
8600	%
8601	No one has ever been in an empty room.
8602
8603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvhij/no_one_has_ever_been_in_an_empty_room/ (cmjaboc)
8604	%
8605	It's considered normal to talk to your pets but if you talk to birds in public all of a sudden you're some crazy person
8606
8607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvh3i/its_considered_normal_to_talk_to_your_pets_but_if/ (The_Mad_Socks)
8608	%
8609	If you 'Lived life with no regrets', you wouldn't change your poor choices.
8610
8611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvbam/if_you_lived_life_with_no_regrets_you_wouldnt/ (Droid501)
8612	%
8613	Towns are usually small, rural areas, but Midtown Manhattan is the total opposite.
8614
8615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvak1/towns_are_usually_small_rural_areas_but_midtown/ (LCPhotowerx)
8616	%
8617	A spacesuit protects an astronaut from nothing
8618
8619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwvah3/a_spacesuit_protects_an_astronaut_from_nothing/ (DarkinexWtf)
8620	%
8621	COVID 19 has saved lives too,imagine how many car accidents it had prevented in 6 months and the person you see alive today could have died if not because of covid
8622
8623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv82m/covid_19_has_saved_lives_tooimagine_how_many_car/ (greatking6009)
8624	%
8625	Shaggy is Scooby-Doo's sidekick, not vice versa.
8626
8627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv6em/shaggy_is_scoobydoos_sidekick_not_vice_versa/ (HomerJBouvier)
8628	%
8629	Dice rolls are supposed to be random, yet most people won't let someone else roll for them.
8630
8631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv6ao/dice_rolls_are_supposed_to_be_random_yet_most/ (og_math_memes)
8632	%
8633	Because the universe is infinite, and there are only a certain number of ways particles can form the amount of space a human takes up, somewhere far away there is an exact replica of you doing exactly what you are doing.
8634
8635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv65r/because_the_universe_is_infinite_and_there_are/ (jonny066)
8636	%
8637	In pop culture whenever someone loses their memory they forget everything, except how to speak.
8638
8639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv3n3/in_pop_culture_whenever_someone_loses_their/ (Yeet_Yeeterzon)
8640	%
8641	Livestock were born to die, but honestly so are we.
8642
8643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv3lr/livestock_were_born_to_die_but_honestly_so_are_we/ (angusesgus_)
8644	%
8645	"You don't deserve me" is a sentence that can have different meanings based on your self esteem
8646
8647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv2h3/you_dont_deserve_me_is_a_sentence_that_can_have/ (Lachimolala_yoonji)
8648	%
8649	Soon we will be hearing about the percentage of the people on Earth who are infected.
8650
8651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv1vu/soon_we_will_be_hearing_about_the_percentage_of/ (MelanthaJezek)
8652	%
8653	Someone who knows a lot about laws is either a criminal or someone who went to law school
8654
8655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv14g/someone_who_knows_a_lot_about_laws_is_either_a/ (Venus1011)
8656	%
8657	Some people just love to contradict.
8658
8659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv11f/some_people_just_love_to_contradict/ (postmodernhippiegoth)
8660	%
8661	D.va from overwatch probably has back problems from the way she sits in her mech.
8662
8663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv11e/dva_from_overwatch_probably_has_back_problems/ (Sheikahh)
8664	%
8665	The more you like yourself, the kinder you are to future you.
8666
8667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwv0n1/the_more_you_like_yourself_the_kinder_you_are_to/ (egomystic)
8668	%
8669	Your butthole can cut a log in half which kinda makes it a circular saw.
8670
8671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuyz0/your_butthole_can_cut_a_log_in_half_which_kinda/ ([deleted])
8672	%
8673	There could be a solar system, where, all sounds vibrate at a frequency above or below the range of human hearing - A completely silent solar system
8674
8675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuyef/there_could_be_a_solar_system_where_all_sounds/ (JustAWaffleBro)
8676	%
8677	Having money and friends is cool and all, but you know you are living your best life when your pee is as clear as water and you are super hydrated.
8678
8679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuy6q/having_money_and_friends_is_cool_and_all_but_you/ (Perfectsheep13)
8680	%
8681	Trees are plumbed for water. So... a plum tree is plumbed.
8682
8683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuxd2/trees_are_plumbed_for_water_so_a_plum_tree_is/ (helenfeller)
8684	%
8685	Something that scares you instills fear, but something you do not fear may scare you.
8686
8687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuwz3/something_that_scares_you_instills_fear_but/ (dontforcechokeme)
8688	%
8689	Searching “how to open an incognito tab” is probably something you’d want an incognito tab for
8690
8691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuwx2/searching_how_to_open_an_incognito_tab_is/ (chubbycatbrian)
8692	%
8693	For those people who enjoy being submissive in the bedroom, their kink is they're just trying to get a fucking break.
8694
8695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuvm2/for_those_people_who_enjoy_being_submissive_in/ (JaredLiwet)
8696	%
8697	? Is an appropriate response but ! Isn’t one.
8698
8699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuv9b/is_an_appropriate_response_but_isnt_one/ (BananaEclipse)
8700	%
8701	“Everything in moderation” is one of the only pieces of advice not needed in moderation.
8702
8703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwutq6/everything_in_moderation_is_one_of_the_only/ (meg_n_cheese12)
8704	%
8705	Fairy tales get a hell lot darker as you grow older.
8706
8707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwutc4/fairy_tales_get_a_hell_lot_darker_as_you_grow/ (nafissyed)
8708	%
8709	Constant access to light has made some people forget that they are afraid of the dark.
8710
8711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwut5u/constant_access_to_light_has_made_some_people/ (postmodernhippiegoth)
8712	%
8713	Porn is safe for work for porn stars
8714
8715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuqf4/porn_is_safe_for_work_for_porn_stars/ ([deleted])
8716	%
8717	We were all disappointed when we found out that bubble blow rings don’t make the bubbles that shape and they all come out round.
8718
8719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwupnx/we_were_all_disappointed_when_we_found_out_that/ (Sir_Hoptat)
8720	%
8721	Step aside mindful breathing. There’s nothing more capable of keeping you aware of the present moment than the sensation that your dying.
8722
8723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuoxd/step_aside_mindful_breathing_theres_nothing_more/ (Leitefsj_7)
8724	%
8725	Saying you're 29 years old sounds way better than saying you're almost 30 years old.
8726
8727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwunvf/saying_youre_29_years_old_sounds_way_better_than/ (masrikufta)
8728	%
8729	Online versions of board games remove an important part of the game, facial expression mind games
8730
8731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwujfn/online_versions_of_board_games_remove_an/ (DiamondShard15)
8732	%
8733	Cheerios are alphabet cereal, just not the whole alphabet.
8734
8735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwui2v/cheerios_are_alphabet_cereal_just_not_the_whole/ ([deleted])
8736	%
8737	It only takes a few minutes to make your bed, but About 8 hours to unmake it
8738
8739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuh5b/it_only_takes_a_few_minutes_to_make_your_bed_but/ (tvmysteries)
8740	%
8741	Life can be quite simple, all you have to do is write a 3 minute song and all the world can be at your feet.
8742
8743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwug74/life_can_be_quite_simple_all_you_have_to_do_is/ (behrkon)
8744	%
8745	If someone bets with you that you are going to die, you either win or don't need the money anymore
8746
8747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwue8h/if_someone_bets_with_you_that_you_are_going_to/ (LukasGama)
8748	%
8749	When people start using flying cars ufo sightings are going to be dismissed more easily
8750
8751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwudul/when_people_start_using_flying_cars_ufo_sightings/ (TheNefelivata)
8752	%
8753	You know when you were born just because someone told you
8754
8755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuccc/you_know_when_you_were_born_just_because_someone/ (Aloysius2106)
8756	%
8757	In as much as you are at odds with a parent, you are the same.
8758
8759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuc02/in_as_much_as_you_are_at_odds_with_a_parent_you/ (da-version)
8760	%
8761	Millions of innocent people exchange counterfeit money daily and unknowingly contribute to a criminal business
8762
8763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwubwm/millions_of_innocent_people_exchange_counterfeit/ (walnutssandmore)
8764	%
8765	Still don’t understand why steaks are so expensive, cows are soooooo easy to hunt.
8766
8767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuahg/still_dont_understand_why_steaks_are_so_expensive/ (BradlyMiniCooper)
8768	%
8769	If, once something’s passed through the internet it’s always there. Then somewhere there’s a scroll of every single Snapchat you’ve ever sent or received.
8770
8771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwuab9/if_once_somethings_passed_through_the_internet/ (ShuffleCrystals)
8772	%
8773	You have to pretend to be asleep in order to actually sleep
8774
8775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu9ib/you_have_to_pretend_to_be_asleep_in_order_to/ (NishiMaki)
8776	%
8777	Our blood carries oxygen using hemoglobin, which releases an iron-rich compound which carries the oxygen around. Therefore, the reason our blood is red is because it's rusty.
8778
8779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu7d0/our_blood_carries_oxygen_using_hemoglobin_which/ (Thack_Daddy_2146)
8780	%
8781	Common sense is subjective, even though its common sense.
8782
8783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu4as/common_sense_is_subjective_even_though_its_common/ (imgo_4u)
8784	%
8785	There must be so many species of life that never left a fossil record at all
8786
8787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu3v2/there_must_be_so_many_species_of_life_that_never/ (Dakrys)
8788	%
8789	Neutrinos are subatomic radioactive particles that very rarely interact with anything. The odds are 1 in 4 that you ever interact with a single neutrino in your life, exposing you to a tiny, tiny amount of radiation, even though millions of billions flow through you every second. That being said,
8790
8791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu2kj/neutrinos_are_subatomic_radioactive_particles/ (mylizard)
8792	%
8793	The size of a small island can change relatively drastically with the tides.
8794
8795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu1tv/the_size_of_a_small_island_can_change_relatively/ (kinverys)
8796	%
8797	Tan lines and a lack of tan lines are both a sign of wealth. The only difference between the poor and the rich is the location.
8798
8799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwu0c6/tan_lines_and_a_lack_of_tan_lines_are_both_a_sign/ ([deleted])
8800	%
8801	The lightning is the definition of mesmerizing.
8802
8803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtzm5/the_lightning_is_the_definition_of_mesmerizing/ (gammacoder)
8804	%
8805	Everyone is born with a different level of resistance to death.
8806
8807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtyos/everyone_is_born_with_a_different_level_of/ (Kobe_Wan_Jabroni)
8808	%
8809	Earth is the only planet not named after a higher being with not much reason and we just went with it
8810
8811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtwo9/earth_is_the_only_planet_not_named_after_a_higher/ (ItsNcYte)
8812	%
8813	Sci-fi spacecraft fights would take place in complete silence, just flashing lights add sudden death.
8814
8815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtur4/scifi_spacecraft_fights_would_take_place_in/ (Waveform_)
8816	%
8817	Star Wars had to keep reusing Death Star weapons in their movies since they came out of the gate with the biggest thing you could blow up.
8818
8819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtubx/star_wars_had_to_keep_reusing_death_star_weapons/ (LineChatter)
8820	%
8821	One of the reasons you get away easier with fake sleeping the older you get is because your parents keep getting less familiar with how you sleep
8822
8823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwttrg/one_of_the_reasons_you_get_away_easier_with_fake/ (Salim_S)
8824	%
8825	Thanks to new safety features like crumple zones, modern cars have become the exact opposite of bumper cars.
8826
8827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtsr0/thanks_to_new_safety_features_like_crumple_zones/ (waterboy838)
8828	%
8829	Some people will look so different when they finally return to school in person, they won't be recognized and could pass as a new student.
8830
8831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtsnq/some_people_will_look_so_different_when_they/ (misterrandom1)
8832	%
8833	The silent majority are belated that movie theaters are dead.
8834
8835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtq9r/the_silent_majority_are_belated_that_movie/ (BasicRedditor1997)
8836	%
8837	Most gamers hate the very company that made their favourite game.
8838
8839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtpne/most_gamers_hate_the_very_company_that_made_their/ (dosafan)
8840	%
8841	Soon, AI will generate songs that people like more than people-generated songs.
8842
8843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtp13/soon_ai_will_generate_songs_that_people_like_more/ (harmonicr)
8844	%
8845	A sit at the back is considered a bad spot everywhere, but considered golden at a classroom
8846
8847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtoyu/a_sit_at_the_back_is_considered_a_bad_spot/ (italoxiz)
8848	%
8849	searching google on google it takes you to google
8850
8851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtopa/searching_google_on_google_it_takes_you_to_google/ (gcnHNYqvzB637fYQvQDt)
8852	%
8853	The older you get, the easier it is to fake sleep. Since your parents don't check up as much on you they don't know how you ACTUALLY sleep.
8854
8855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtodt/the_older_you_get_the_easier_it_is_to_fake_sleep/ ([deleted])
8856	%
8857	In as much as you are at odds with a parent, you are the same.
8858
8859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtoav/in_as_much_as_you_are_at_odds_with_a_parent_you/ ([deleted])
8860	%
8861	Bones are one of the most cleanest parts of our bodies
8862
8863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtmxq/bones_are_one_of_the_most_cleanest_parts_of_our/ (The_Endeavour)
8864	%
8865	Photographic images are nearly perfect, and thus somebody in 2040 will not be able to tell that the image they are actually looking at dates back at least 20 years.
8866
8867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtlk7/photographic_images_are_nearly_perfect_and_thus/ (ygrhmn)
8868	%
8869	Millennials were raised in the era of shows like "Scared Straight" that used fear as motivation and people are surprised we all have anxiety issues
8870
8871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtle1/millennials_were_raised_in_the_era_of_shows_like/ ([deleted])
8872	%
8873	If you buy enough Barbie dolls you can make a wig.
8874
8875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtl97/if_you_buy_enough_barbie_dolls_you_can_make_a_wig/ (nervousdachshund)
8876	%
8877	Photographic images are nearly perfect, and thus somebody in 2040 will not be able to tell that the image they are actually looking at dates back at least 20 years.
8878
8879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtks6/photographic_images_are_nearly_perfect_and_thus/ ([deleted])
8880	%
8881	Pickles are cucumbers on acid
8882
8883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtj1t/pickles_are_cucumbers_on_acid/ (lil_elixir)
8884	%
8885	On a non leap year, if there is a Friday the 13th in February there will also be a Friday the 13th in March.
8886
8887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwti6j/on_a_non_leap_year_if_there_is_a_friday_the_13th/ (Sissonater)
8888	%
8889	The world be scary if large cocks were real
8890
8891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtfyc/the_world_be_scary_if_large_cocks_were_real/ (BigThinkNumber9)
8892	%
8893	We live in a society where basic safety rules go unenforced for fear of those who try to enforce them getting murdered for it
8894
8895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtf32/we_live_in_a_society_where_basic_safety_rules_go/ (QueenElsaArrendelle)
8896	%
8897	The hardest prison to escape is your mind
8898
8899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwteiz/the_hardest_prison_to_escape_is_your_mind/ ([deleted])
8900	%
8901	Luke Cage can't visit Wakanda as Vibranium is one of his weaknesses and almost everything in Wakanda is made of it.
8902
8903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwte4o/luke_cage_cant_visit_wakanda_as_vibranium_is_one/ (Kingflares)
8904	%
8905	Best thing about a pet, they heard that weird noise to.
8906
8907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtdfu/best_thing_about_a_pet_they_heard_that_weird/ (xXUpgraDDeXx)
8908	%
8909	Elephants have a built in snorkel
8910
8911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtd45/elephants_have_a_built_in_snorkel/ (acetea)
8912	%
8913	Fossils are an animal’s worst day immortalized
8914
8915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtbmq/fossils_are_an_animals_worst_day_immortalized/ (KvotheOfTheHill)
8916	%
8917	You don't feel heavier when you have to pee, but you feel lighter after you've peed.
8918
8919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtblw/you_dont_feel_heavier_when_you_have_to_pee_but/ (xakypoo)
8920	%
8921	Everyone talks about Katy Perry feeling like a “plastic bag drifting through the wind” but no one talks about Shakira when she said she’s feeling “a little abused like a coffee machine in an office”
8922
8923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtba3/everyone_talks_about_katy_perry_feeling_like_a/ (parmaham1000)
8924	%
8925	You have never actually seen your face. Only a reflection of it.
8926
8927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwtard/you_have_never_actually_seen_your_face_only_a/ ([deleted])
8928	%
8929	Humans would look cooler if we actually looked white/black/red/yellow then the blend.
8930
8931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwta5t/humans_would_look_cooler_if_we_actually_looked/ (BasicRedditor1997)
8932	%
8933	Gonna put the new MacBook in the tub. Can’t stop it. No no can’t stop it. MacBook goin in the tubbb
8934
8935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt9mg/gonna_put_the_new_macbook_in_the_tub_cant_stop_it/ (BigThinkNumber9)
8936	%
8937	Living rooms everywhere are finally being used.
8938
8939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt9fm/living_rooms_everywhere_are_finally_being_used/ (Upchuck72)
8940	%
8941	Some day in the future, we may have to pay licensing fees for dreaming about MCU characters.
8942
8943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt9d1/some_day_in_the_future_we_may_have_to_pay/ (vishnj)
8944	%
8945	There sure are a lot of “once in a lifetime” comets
8946
8947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt9bh/there_sure_are_a_lot_of_once_in_a_lifetime_comets/ (ubzrvnT)
8948	%
8949	Fill a barrel with your cereal and GET IN
8950
8951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt8pm/fill_a_barrel_with_your_cereal_and_get_in/ (BigThinkNumber9)
8952	%
8953	When you sleep but don't dream, maybe you were asleep in your dream
8954
8955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt6mz/when_you_sleep_but_dont_dream_maybe_you_were/ ([deleted])
8956	%
8957	Everyone says “you’re having a stroke” whenever you do anything. It’s awful
8958
8959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt61d/everyone_says_youre_having_a_stroke_whenever_you/ (BigThinkNumber9)
8960	%
8961	Thor could've also gone for the hand
8962
8963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt5uu/thor_couldve_also_gone_for_the_hand/ (Craftycorecreep)
8964	%
8965	We're very lucky our teeth don't get soft when they're wet like fingernails do
8966
8967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt4dy/were_very_lucky_our_teeth_dont_get_soft_when/ (phillsphan7)
8968	%
8969	Taylor Swift’s songs have gotten everybody married but herself
8970
8971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt466/taylor_swifts_songs_have_gotten_everybody_married/ (MarinersFan28)
8972	%
8973	You type faster using your mobile phone than using your computer keyboard.
8974
8975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt3r6/you_type_faster_using_your_mobile_phone_than/ ([deleted])
8976	%
8977	The newer generations of drivers have no idea what it's like to get lost while trying to find something
8978
8979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt2vu/the_newer_generations_of_drivers_have_no_idea/ (rdubelu)
8980	%
8981	There’s no word for “There’s a word for that in German”.
8982
8983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt1eh/theres_no_word_for_theres_a_word_for_that_in/ (PepperAnn1inaMillion)
8984	%
8985	The person who discovered coffee is indirectly responsible for a lot of other discoveries and inventions
8986
8987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt0y9/the_person_who_discovered_coffee_is_indirectly/ (going-on-empty)
8988	%
8989	There's a line somewhere between unhealthy and suicidal.
8990
8991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwt09j/theres_a_line_somewhere_between_unhealthy_and/ (dumb_shite)
8992	%
8993	You never regret having a shower.
8994
8995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsyc1/you_never_regret_having_a_shower/ (shifty_-_)
8996	%
8997	The thing about trusting leaders is that they need to give trustworthy advice
8998
8999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwswqi/the_thing_about_trusting_leaders_is_that_they/ (_-No0ne-_)
9000	%
9001	A pen that doubles as a sword seems cool. A sword that doubles as a pen seems weird.
9002
9003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsvqh/a_pen_that_doubles_as_a_sword_seems_cool_a_sword/ (i-am-egg-tart)
9004	%
9005	Coders had to code something to make it so you can write code
9006
9007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsuh5/coders_had_to_code_something_to_make_it_so_you/ (grxxvity_)
9008	%
9009	The inside handle of a restroom is likely much cleaner than the one outside
9010
9011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwstie/the_inside_handle_of_a_restroom_is_likely_much/ (charlesisafish)
9012	%
9013	Other planets would probably smell really weird
9014
9015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwst16/other_planets_would_probably_smell_really_weird/ (BumbleFrump_)
9016	%
9017	Both the World Wars started from Europe
9018
9019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsrgl/both_the_world_wars_started_from_europe/ (wiZzerdUck)
9020	%
9021	There are a lot of workers pissed at the fact that the “skip intro” button will skip over all their hard work
9022
9023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsras/there_are_a_lot_of_workers_pissed_at_the_fact/ (Captain-Murica4)
9024	%
9025	Nothing is impossible to do/happen/etc., it just may have a very, very, very small chance (even .000000001%) of actually happening.
9026
9027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwspjo/nothing_is_impossible_to_dohappenetc_it_just_may/ ([deleted])
9028	%
9029	We generally believe taller and bulkier men are not as smart because we don't believe that the perfect person exists, so no one has both strength and intelligence
9030
9031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsomu/we_generally_believe_taller_and_bulkier_men_are/ (DimKara_)
9032	%
9033	Blue crabs look more blue when their colors get inverted
9034
9035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsl46/blue_crabs_look_more_blue_when_their_colors_get/ (egyuhwervewu)
9036	%
9037	The only difference between family and friends is that friends are easier to cut off.
9038
9039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsk2n/the_only_difference_between_family_and_friends_is/ (Br0ther-Bear)
9040	%
9041	When mermaid titties get saggy they float upwards.
9042
9043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsj1w/when_mermaid_titties_get_saggy_they_float_upwards/ (turklesdayoff)
9044	%
9045	Meal prepping is lunch homework.
9046
9047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsg80/meal_prepping_is_lunch_homework/ (SmashusK)
9048	%
9049	Everyone can identify as a Muppet from Sesame Street, but nobody identifies as a human from it.
9050
9051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsfyc/everyone_can_identify_as_a_muppet_from_sesame/ (between3and20spaces)
9052	%
9053	With easily accessible GPS, kids on road trips don’t need to ask “are we there yet?” They can just follow along.
9054
9055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwseja/with_easily_accessible_gps_kids_on_road_trips/ (SplungerPlunger)
9056	%
9057	It’s never until you’re actively trying to make someone laugh that you realize how unfunny you are.
9058
9059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsdz6/its_never_until_youre_actively_trying_to_make/ (victosity)
9060	%
9061	Benjamin Franklin was the OG lobbyist.
9062
9063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsdua/benjamin_franklin_was_the_og_lobbyist/ (cathillian)
9064	%
9065	Every one of us has the potential to be immortal and we only find out once it's too late
9066
9067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsdlp/every_one_of_us_has_the_potential_to_be_immortal/ (books4introvert)
9068	%
9069	Randomized passwords are probably the only acceptable gibberish in any language
9070
9071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwsapt/randomized_passwords_are_probably_the_only/ (DL14Nibba)
9072	%
9073	Neutrinos are subatomic radioactive particles that very rarely interact with anything. The odds are that a neutrino first interacts with you when you are 10, exposing you to a tiny, tiny amount of radiation, even though millions of billions flow through you every second. That being said,
9074
9075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws9ge/neutrinos_are_subatomic_radioactive_particles/ ([deleted])
9076	%
9077	Everything that has ever happened had an one hundred percent chance of happening
9078
9079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws7ui/everything_that_has_ever_happened_had_an_one/ (IRL_WalterClements_)
9080	%
9081	"Puppy Chow" is really poorly named seeing as there's enough chocolate in it to kill a dog.
9082
9083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws7eb/puppy_chow_is_really_poorly_named_seeing_as/ (offalark)
9084	%
9085	If gaming is a valid competitive sport it's the only sport where its socially acceptable to dunk on kids
9086
9087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws7b8/if_gaming_is_a_valid_competitive_sport_its_the/ (MussolinisFuneral)
9088	%
9089	Erasers slowly sacrifice their lives for your mistakes
9090
9091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws6gm/erasers_slowly_sacrifice_their_lives_for_your/ ([deleted])
9092	%
9093	History is a thing of the past.
9094
9095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws4tx/history_is_a_thing_of_the_past/ (MidDayRevolution)
9096	%
9097	In the Harry Potter universe, there are probably millions of wizards born to Muggle parents that never went to Hogwarts because they thought the letter was a prank.
9098
9099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws3pc/in_the_harry_potter_universe_there_are_probably/ (NuclearSquid74)
9100	%
9101	The cuter something is during the day, the scarier it is at night.
9102
9103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws34c/the_cuter_something_is_during_the_day_the_scarier/ (Roosty_Breadman)
9104	%
9105	Closing one eye blocks a third of your vision
9106
9107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws22o/closing_one_eye_blocks_a_third_of_your_vision/ (rock-solid-armpits)
9108	%
9109	Parents are always right when they feel their child is upto something bad or mischievous because those parents as a child were in the same position and they ended doing that if not the same but similar bad thing.
9110
9111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws22a/parents_are_always_right_when_they_feel_their/ (hifighost)
9112	%
9113	If humans terraformed other planets fall damage wouldn’t be as big of an issue
9114
9115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws1yy/if_humans_terraformed_other_planets_fall_damage/ (Shadsterz)
9116	%
9117	If you were to describe a giraffe and a unicorn to someone who’s never heard of either, they’d believe the unicorn would exist rather than the giraffe.
9118
9119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws1vn/if_you_were_to_describe_a_giraffe_and_a_unicorn/ (Gamers_Against_Thots)
9120	%
9121	There are people in the world who like microwaving ice cream. Not to defrost it, but to eat it like a soup.
9122
9123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws18e/there_are_people_in_the_world_who_like/ ([deleted])
9124	%
9125	Astronauts probably don't get amazed anymore at the size and scale of large objects like tall buildings, high waterfalls, longships etc because they have seen the largest object visible to the naked eye, the entire earth from orbit
9126
9127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hws11j/astronauts_probably_dont_get_amazed_anymore_at/ (bignutsflamingo)
9128	%
9129	All of you are fake showering.
9130
9131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwryl2/all_of_you_are_fake_showering/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
9132	%
9133	Voldemort took away the Defense Against the Dark Arts class much like a dictator confiscated guns from his/her citizens.
9134
9135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrxqs/voldemort_took_away_the_defense_against_the_dark/ (HapaPilot)
9136	%
9137	With respect to video games, the word "unplayable" is almost exclusively used sarcastically.
9138
9139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrxem/with_respect_to_video_games_the_word_unplayable/ (AboveTheKitchen)
9140	%
9141	It's not research if it's never been searched for before
9142
9143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrxaa/its_not_research_if_its_never_been_searched_for/ (beneficial_satire)
9144	%
9145	You can win a debate by either being smarter or being so dumb that you don’t listen to the evidence
9146
9147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrwf8/you_can_win_a_debate_by_either_being_smarter_or/ (r0b0t111)
9148	%
9149	Mario took the insult "get a life" too literally.
9150
9151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrw4z/mario_took_the_insult_get_a_life_too_literally/ (iola_k)
9152	%
9153	Harder Better Faster Stronger by Daft Punk is the one song of theirs that you can really hear their French accents.
9154
9155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrvj7/harder_better_faster_stronger_by_daft_punk_is_the/ (TheLonelyIdiots)
9156	%
9157	Mammalian penises and vaginas could have just as easily developed square-shaped.
9158
9159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrspn/mammalian_penises_and_vaginas_could_have_just_as/ (ilovecigars1974)
9160	%
9161	If Kanye wasn't a celebrity, there's a significantly greater chance he would've been killed by the police
9162
9163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrs1o/if_kanye_wasnt_a_celebrity_theres_a_significantly/ (jsgoyburu)
9164	%
9165	Human beings have two sets of cheeks, and we keep the stuff we use to clean the holes between them both in the same room.
9166
9167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrrzy/human_beings_have_two_sets_of_cheeks_and_we_keep/ (DrAwkward404)
9168	%
9169	If everyone had photographic memory then the DVD industry would probably go out of business.
9170
9171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrrmz/if_everyone_had_photographic_memory_then_the_dvd/ (illpostsomeweardshit)
9172	%
9173	No matter how shitty a day has been, when it ends with sex it was a good day
9174
9175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrqz8/no_matter_how_shitty_a_day_has_been_when_it_ends/ (Antscannabis)
9176	%
9177	The mortality rate of stairs and frying pans heavily differ between genres of film
9178
9179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrq6k/the_mortality_rate_of_stairs_and_frying_pans/ (DefinitelyNotASkrull)
9180	%
9181	Dividers at a grocery store imply that everyone shopping is part of a large group
9182
9183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrpez/dividers_at_a_grocery_store_imply_that_everyone/ (Mtye77)
9184	%
9185	The largest rectangle on earth is Colorado.
9186
9187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrp1t/the_largest_rectangle_on_earth_is_colorado/ (SeeingSongs)
9188	%
9189	Stupid people tend to overestimate their intelligence, while intelligent people tend to undervalue their intelligence. If a person realizes he's underestimating himself, making him think of himself as more intelligent, he is also less intelligent for overestimating himself.
9190
9191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrojx/stupid_people_tend_to_overestimate_their/ (Teminite2)
9192	%
9193	One of the saddest things about sadness is the lack of happiness.
9194
9195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrmmj/one_of_the_saddest_things_about_sadness_is_the/ (HistoricalArticle4)
9196	%
9197	If you like taking a shit, you like being fucked in the ass
9198
9199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrm9m/if_you_like_taking_a_shit_you_like_being_fucked/ (vshoes_)
9200	%
9201	The world of almost any child becomes slightly less magical once they realize the black market isn't an actual place
9202
9203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrkiv/the_world_of_almost_any_child_becomes_slightly/ (ARealFool)
9204	%
9205	Spider-Man is to the MCU as Batman is to the DCU
9206
9207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrk6b/spiderman_is_to_the_mcu_as_batman_is_to_the_dcu/ (danewhite318)
9208	%
9209	Blue Cheese doesn’t go bad - it just gets worse.
9210
9211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrhd6/blue_cheese_doesnt_go_bad_it_just_gets_worse/ (WesleyUnderfoot)
9212	%
9213	Dogs freak out during a thunderstorm and stay with their person not because they are scared for themselves, but they are also worried about their person.
9214
9215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrh65/dogs_freak_out_during_a_thunderstorm_and_stay/ (paladinstyger)
9216	%
9217	You can be alone and not feel alone but you can feel the loneliest when not alone.
9218
9219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrff1/you_can_be_alone_and_not_feel_alone_but_you_can/ (VagariTurtle)
9220	%
9221	Describing a floatation device as "float" or "floatie" usually exclaims you are a parent or non-parent.
9222
9223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrfbw/describing_a_floatation_device_as_float_or/ (millionbillionone)
9224	%
9225	Relatively, people have kids pretty early in their lives
9226
9227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrf4f/relatively_people_have_kids_pretty_early_in_their/ ([deleted])
9228	%
9229	We've become so reliant on a 12-hour clock that most of us couldn't compare the hours to a 24-hour clock
9230
9231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwreyq/weve_become_so_reliant_on_a_12hour_clock_that/ (Tempest_410)
9232	%
9233	You don’t see car ‘hauntings’. Because if someone dies in a car, there’s a good chance it will never be used again.
9234
9235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrcwx/you_dont_see_car_hauntings_because_if_someone/ (Elijahbeaudoin)
9236	%
9237	The movie "Alexander" ended up cutting the Gordian knot story.
9238
9239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrclg/the_movie_alexander_ended_up_cutting_the_gordian/ (Atheist_Simon_Haddad)
9240	%
9241	The Happening is the most ironically named movie given how little actually happens
9242
9243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrckz/the_happening_is_the_most_ironically_named_movie/ (jstohler)
9244	%
9245	Most kids are sexually molested or abused by family members and acquaintances. So maybe if we wanted to protect them, we shouldn’t just teach them “stranger danger” but also how to stand up for themselves and set boundaries.
9246
9247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwrbbf/most_kids_are_sexually_molested_or_abused_by/ ([deleted])
9248	%
9249	If you identify a UFO as a UFO, it’s not a UFO anymore.
9250
9251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr9uk/if_you_identify_a_ufo_as_a_ufo_its_not_a_ufo/ ([deleted])
9252	%
9253	There is someone, somewhere who didn’t give back a babies nose.
9254
9255	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr9qa/there_is_someone_somewhere_who_didnt_give_back_a/ (Kungaroh)
9256	%
9257	If you change the tempo in the song Queen & A Double, it can either feel like a feelings or Eminem song.
9258
9259	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr78w/if_you_change_the_tempo_in_the_song_queen_a/ (Yeetmaster0905)
9260	%
9261	Gender, sex and race could be removed from most job applications and it would ensure people are judged on credentials and nothing else up to the interview.
9262
9263	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr548/gender_sex_and_race_could_be_removed_from_most/ (deathmarchdelta)
9264	%
9265	If u replace the W with a T in When, Where, What, then you get the answer.
9266
9267	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr3uc/if_u_replace_the_w_with_a_t_in_when_where_what/ (Drunken_Moose_)
9268	%
9269	A 3 hour movie is almost always way too long, yet we have no problem binge watching 3x 1 hour eposodes of a good show.
9270
9271	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr3bh/a_3_hour_movie_is_almost_always_way_too_long_yet/ ([deleted])
9272	%
9273	You know someone’s made a big impact on your life when you can’t even hate them because they basically made you who you are.
9274
9275	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr393/you_know_someones_made_a_big_impact_on_your_life/ (TheMaskedGeode)
9276	%
9277	12.3.21 is closing in.
9278
9279	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwr283/12321_is_closing_in/ (fadave93)
9280	%
9281	Personal “Equalizers” would probably work better than Hearing Aids.
9282
9283	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqz5j/personal_equalizers_would_probably_work_better/ (Vantage_isle)
9284	%
9285	Here's a wholesome one: if you have cringed when thinking about something you did in the past, you have grown as a person.
9286
9287	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqywa/heres_a_wholesome_one_if_you_have_cringed_when/ (Kalajasavakuy)
9288	%
9289	Strong believers declaring their belief system as the ”One and Only way of living” while actively Attacking everyone else’s, have to Chill. Their Specific creed is a thing they were randomly born into, nothing more.
9290
9291	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqwoi/strong_believers_declaring_their_belief_system_as/ (h2k78666)
9292	%
9293	In the Cars universe the Gustav Cannon would have been repeatedly murdered and brought back to life throughout the war
9294
9295	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqsg5/in_the_cars_universe_the_gustav_cannon_would_have/ (lakeportlightnin)
9296	%
9297	Jedi's are the only people to successfully being a sword to a gun fight.
9298
9299	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqq6c/jedis_are_the_only_people_to_successfully_being_a/ (AmuroRay0704)
9300	%
9301	Signatures only work as proof of identity because everyone has imperfect handwriting.
9302
9303	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqq3c/signatures_only_work_as_proof_of_identity_because/ (wisebloodfoolheart)
9304	%
9305	Before illustrations, everyone had their own idea of what the fictional characters looked like.
9306
9307	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqnxa/before_illustrations_everyone_had_their_own_idea/ (Semi-Spicy)
9308	%
9309	Just as well earned happiness is satisfying, so is well earned pain.
9310
9311	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqnih/just_as_well_earned_happiness_is_satisfying_so_is/ (Gr4ph0n)
9312	%
9313	Drugs are vacations for poor people.
9314
9315	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqmzu/drugs_are_vacations_for_poor_people/ (JukeBoxDildo)
9316	%
9317	Some of the lights in the sky are coming from nowhere
9318
9319	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqk50/some_of_the_lights_in_the_sky_are_coming_from/ (BruceKettina)
9320	%
9321	in 1920 the accuracy rate of weather forcast was 45%, so back then you had a better chance of predicting the weather by flipping a coin.
9322
9323	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqjs2/in_1920_the_accuracy_rate_of_weather_forcast_was/ ([deleted])
9324	%
9325	The Conjugate of Art & Fan is “Fan Art”, therefore eventually we will begin saying “Fart”
9326
9327	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqjdy/the_conjugate_of_art_fan_is_fan_art_therefore/ (NozakiMufasa)
9328	%
9329	An actual miss universe would probably end up being hideous by our standards.
9330
9331	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqium/an_actual_miss_universe_would_probably_end_up/ (Semi-Spicy)
9332	%
9333	Most people’s hair probably looks better in the mirror image of how they style it.
9334
9335	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqhu6/most_peoples_hair_probably_looks_better_in_the/ (flapjackbandit00)
9336	%
9337	Wise elders must’ve crewed up a lot when they were younger.
9338
9339	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqgm2/wise_elders_mustve_crewed_up_a_lot_when_they_were/ (Semi-Spicy)
9340	%
9341	The difference between an 'lol' and the absence of an 'lol' has enough power to end relationships
9342
9343	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqf7i/the_difference_between_an_lol_and_the_absence_of/ (mybustersword)
9344	%
9345	Five singles is seen as cheap when a five dollar bill is seen as respectable
9346
9347	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqf2z/five_singles_is_seen_as_cheap_when_a_five_dollar/ (thedafthatter)
9348	%
9349	When vegans have kids, they never have to be concerned when their kids lick the spoon
9350
9351	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqesz/when_vegans_have_kids_they_never_have_to_be/ (fierypheonix)
9352	%
9353	Geese in France likely go "Honque" instead of "Honk"
9354
9355	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqe44/geese_in_france_likely_go_honque_instead_of_honk/ ([deleted])
9356	%
9357	Take any one of the thousands of crazy things Ernest Hemingway did in his lifetime, give that one thing to someone else, and that experience will likely be the highlight of their life.
9358
9359	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqbzv/take_any_one_of_the_thousands_of_crazy_things/ (sikeston)
9360	%
9361	Nobody ever made the cookie monster clean up his crumbs.
9362
9363	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqav3/nobody_ever_made_the_cookie_monster_clean_up_his/ (i_never_ever_learn)
9364	%
9365	Most of us keep childhood toys to give to our kids but most of us aren’t even going to have sex
9366
9367	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwqamw/most_of_us_keep_childhood_toys_to_give_to_our/ ([deleted])
9368	%
9369	You’re not a label to be quickly summarized. You’re a human with a story to be read.
9370
9371	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq9b5/youre_not_a_label_to_be_quickly_summarized_youre/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
9372	%
9373	We all want the red pill, but it is better to choose the blue pill, to find very quick solutions.
9374
9375	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq8wd/we_all_want_the_red_pill_but_it_is_better_to/ (Isacobs_35160_LHM)
9376	%
9377	Every star we can see is blazing out energy into empty space, completely wasted. Like a billion billion running car engines
9378
9379	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq6n1/every_star_we_can_see_is_blazing_out_energy_into/ (AxialGem)
9380	%
9381	If you watch wrestling backwards that’s basically an unboxing video.
9382
9383	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq5la/if_you_watch_wrestling_backwards_thats_basically/ (MisterChancellor)
9384	%
9385	If the internet was a physical place people would go on vacations to see it.
9386
9387	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq572/if_the_internet_was_a_physical_place_people_would/ (RIPLORN)
9388	%
9389	Mosquitoes are only ever present when you are comfortable and the least likely to hunt them down.
9390
9391	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq1us/mosquitoes_are_only_ever_present_when_you_are/ (WaterSheep-San)
9392	%
9393	The intelligence of animals seems to be measured by their willingness to obey humans’ commands.
9394
9395	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq1hu/the_intelligence_of_animals_seems_to_be_measured/ ([deleted])
9396	%
9397	If someone smells your fart, you're technically inside them
9398
9399	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwq10m/if_someone_smells_your_fart_youre_technically/ (EnGaige)
9400	%
9401	You only get one birthday, after that it’s all anniversaries
9402
9403	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpybu/you_only_get_one_birthday_after_that_its_all/ ([deleted])
9404	%
9405	When the weatherman says 50% chance of rain they're admitting they have no idea if it will or not.
9406
9407	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpxn7/when_the_weatherman_says_50_chance_of_rain_theyre/ (TheTonz)
9408	%
9409	You have only 1 birthday, the rest are congratulations for surviving.
9410
9411	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpx4e/you_have_only_1_birthday_the_rest_are/ (bilal_nasser99)
9412	%
9413	Full dive Virtual Reality would put drug dealers out of business
9414
9415	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpwsk/full_dive_virtual_reality_would_put_drug_dealers/ (FirstSingularity)
9416	%
9417	Due to inflation, it's easier than ever to feel like a million bucks.
9418
9419	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpw7b/due_to_inflation_its_easier_than_ever_to_feel/ (weneedanothertimmy)
9420	%
9421	Water just goes into successively smaller containers until we drink it
9422
9423	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpurn/water_just_goes_into_successively_smaller/ (AtomicLumberjack)
9424	%
9425	The irony of not being able to imagine what people with aphantasia have it like.
9426
9427	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpulj/the_irony_of_not_being_able_to_imagine_what/ (IAmNotJoshua)
9428	%
9429	A joke gets less funnier if you talk about how funny it is
9430
9431	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwptr7/a_joke_gets_less_funnier_if_you_talk_about_how/ (big_niBBa_chungus)
9432	%
9433	Ace Venture Pet Detective 2 is one of the few sequels that makes no reference to the first movie and goes on as if it never existed and we were all totally fine with it.
9434
9435	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpsof/ace_venture_pet_detective_2_is_one_of_the_few/ (tom_is_the_bomb)
9436	%
9437	All “Based on True Events” films are set in the same Universe.
9438
9439	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpsne/all_based_on_true_events_films_are_set_in_the/ (RainbowNeck)
9440	%
9441	Getting in here with clothes still on was a bad idea.
9442
9443	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpqyf/getting_in_here_with_clothes_still_on_was_a_bad/ (doyalikedags1)
9444	%
9445	All male dogs are a son of a bitch
9446
9447	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpqr0/all_male_dogs_are_a_son_of_a_bitch/ ([deleted])
9448	%
9449	No one had actually seen themselves with their eyes closed until cameras were invented
9450
9451	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpqpw/no_one_had_actually_seen_themselves_with_their/ (CykaBylat001)
9452	%
9453	A crucifix for a snake would just be a stick.
9454
9455	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpq18/a_crucifix_for_a_snake_would_just_be_a_stick/ (version13)
9456	%
9457	Due to shifting coastlines, the geographic center of a feature is always changing.
9458
9459	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpnqp/due_to_shifting_coastlines_the_geographic_center/ (TheRoadDudeMN)
9460	%
9461	Boogers are the kidney stones of the nose
9462
9463	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpmt0/boogers_are_the_kidney_stones_of_the_nose/ ([deleted])
9464	%
9465	Somebody probably has a picture of you that you never knew was taken
9466
9467	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwplxy/somebody_probably_has_a_picture_of_you_that_you/ (E3Fell)
9468	%
9469	If you're the Main Character in your own story, then you're also the Side Character of somebody else's.
9470
9471	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwple4/if_youre_the_main_character_in_your_own_story/ (Senziyy)
9472	%
9473	Aural sex is likely to give you hearing AIDS.
9474
9475	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpl8c/aural_sex_is_likely_to_give_you_hearing_aids/ (KindlyOlPornographer)
9476	%
9477	Most of us have probably eaten a little bit of human flesh but just didn’t know it.
9478
9479	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpk03/most_of_us_have_probably_eaten_a_little_bit_of/ (Minkige)
9480	%
9481	Standing scooters are the exact opposite of treadmills.
9482
9483	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpjth/standing_scooters_are_the_exact_opposite_of/ (pm_your_secret_keys)
9484	%
9485	to stop rubbish flowing to the ocean, we need less ppl stopping littering and more ppl cleaning the ocean
9486
9487	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwph24/to_stop_rubbish_flowing_to_the_ocean_we_need_less/ (seedyProfessor)
9488	%
9489	Measure Twice, cut once is probably really important during a Bris.
9490
9491	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpg5k/measure_twice_cut_once_is_probably_really/ (zorro1701e)
9492	%
9493	There's spin and then there's a hurricane.
9494
9495	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpfxs/theres_spin_and_then_theres_a_hurricane/ (VerbotenPublish)
9496	%
9497	it feels wrong when you fart while wearing an overall.
9498
9499	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpefq/it_feels_wrong_when_you_fart_while_wearing_an/ (Fotthewhuck)
9500	%
9501	Nobody taught us how to gargle but we all know how to do it.
9502
9503	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpeab/nobody_taught_us_how_to_gargle_but_we_all_know/ (i-ran)
9504	%
9505	Presumably, it’s so easy to dispose of a body in an industrial meat grinder that we all might be accidental cannibals
9506
9507	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpea0/presumably_its_so_easy_to_dispose_of_a_body_in_an/ (off_brand_white_wolf)
9508	%
9509	There must still be spots on the earth where no-one has ever stood.
9510
9511	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpe5s/there_must_still_be_spots_on_the_earth_where/ (HobbesCandie)
9512	%
9513	You’re not afraid of being alone in the woods, you’re afraid that you’re not alone.
9514
9515	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpbu7/youre_not_afraid_of_being_alone_in_the_woods/ (Sir-Toastington)
9516	%
9517	You pay similar hourly rates for lawyers as you do for escorts because they both fuck you.
9518
9519	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpbri/you_pay_similar_hourly_rates_for_lawyers_as_you/ (RobertGBradley)
9520	%
9521	Every flying object is a UFO (unidentified flying object) until you can get a clear view of what it is
9522
9523	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpbmz/every_flying_object_is_a_ufo_unidentified_flying/ (Ryanjd02)
9524	%
9525	Once full-body deepfakes become convincing enough, commercials might need to specify that the actors ARE real people.
9526
9527	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwpb91/once_fullbody_deepfakes_become_convincing_enough/ (realmathtician)
9528	%
9529	Gay people rely on straight people to make more gay people
9530
9531	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp8qi/gay_people_rely_on_straight_people_to_make_more/ (throwaway_1_8)
9532	%
9533	You never see a girl wearing a hawaiian shirt
9534
9535	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp8kg/you_never_see_a_girl_wearing_a_hawaiian_shirt/ (Darkmaster666666)
9536	%
9537	There's a point where slower walking becomes way harder than normal walking
9538
9539	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp87t/theres_a_point_where_slower_walking_becomes_way/ (Zeraru)
9540	%
9541	Iphone was getting smaller and simpler, until Steve Jobs died.
9542
9543	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp7fd/iphone_was_getting_smaller_and_simpler_until/ (PhD3DP)
9544	%
9545	Not many people appreciated just how convenient FaceID was until recently
9546
9547	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp749/not_many_people_appreciated_just_how_convenient/ ([deleted])
9548	%
9549	Dogs can learn any language a human can but they just can't speak it back to us
9550
9551	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp6gw/dogs_can_learn_any_language_a_human_can_but_they/ (cwx149)
9552	%
9553	If Darth Plagueis was really that wise, he'd have been able to prevent his loss of power and death.
9554
9555	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp5py/if_darth_plagueis_was_really_that_wise_hed_have/ (Crash-Bash)
9556	%
9557	When YouTubers tend to collab in a single video, watching another video from each of their channels is a third-person view experience.
9558
9559	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp5cc/when_youtubers_tend_to_collab_in_a_single_video/ (SadFire1)
9560	%
9561	If you have “rescued” a turtle by putting them back in the water you have most likely killed it due to common misconceptions
9562
9563	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp5c1/if_you_have_rescued_a_turtle_by_putting_them_back/ ([deleted])
9564	%
9565	The very first humans probably didn't know that death is inevitable
9566
9567	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp4wb/the_very_first_humans_probably_didnt_know_that/ (Martick)
9568	%
9569	purgatory is a hot laundromat
9570
9571	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp4k6/purgatory_is_a_hot_laundromat/ (Grave-Bait)
9572	%
9573	The first humans didn't know about death
9574
9575	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp417/the_first_humans_didnt_know_about_death/ (Martick)
9576	%
9577	Cats kick themselves in the face to relieve an itch.
9578
9579	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp3r2/cats_kick_themselves_in_the_face_to_relieve_an/ (RobertGBradley)
9580	%
9581	If you want to know how long it's going to take for your food to be delivered, instead of asking "When's the ETA" you can change the acronym slightly and ask "When's the EAT"
9582
9583	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp2z3/if_you_want_to_know_how_long_its_going_to_take/ (Rooner_Spism)
9584	%
9585	When meth users get bored they can just play connect the dots with their arm.
9586
9587	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp2y8/when_meth_users_get_bored_they_can_just_play/ (hungryfordonuts5)
9588	%
9589	All pictures will be grouped as either pre or post mouth covering era.
9590
9591	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp1tv/all_pictures_will_be_grouped_as_either_pre_or/ ([deleted])
9592	%
9593	Death is the participation award for the game of life.
9594
9595	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp1t9/death_is_the_participation_award_for_the_game_of/ (_Sentient-Cactus_)
9596	%
9597	Dog and cat food is marketed to look appetizing to humans.
9598
9599	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwp1ew/dog_and_cat_food_is_marketed_to_look_appetizing/ (Scallywhompus)
9600	%
9601	David dunning and Justin Kruger had shot themselves in the foot knowing they couldn't be experts in their own discovery of cognitive bias.
9602
9603	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwozjt/david_dunning_and_justin_kruger_had_shot/ (zuwiboiii)
9604	%
9605	Former LinkedIn employees are posting on LinkedIn that they lost their job at LinkedIn
9606
9607	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwox2u/former_linkedin_employees_are_posting_on_linkedin/ (Footsteps_10)
9608	%
9609	old english is incomprehensible to most of us, even though along the way everybody thought they kept speaking the same language as their parents
9610
9611	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwowx6/old_english_is_incomprehensible_to_most_of_us/ (AxialGem)
9612	%
9613	Twitch streamers almost never have kids
9614
9615	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwowlq/twitch_streamers_almost_never_have_kids/ (Suthrnr)
9616	%
9617	One who half asses, half lives.
9618
9619	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwowll/one_who_half_asses_half_lives/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
9620	%
9621	Sunglasses activate dark mode in real life.
9622
9623	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwovwy/sunglasses_activate_dark_mode_in_real_life/ ([deleted])
9624	%
9625	If you accidentally micic someone’s accent while talking to them they won’t realize it and just think your accent disappeared.
9626
9627	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hworfr/if_you_accidentally_micic_someones_accent_while/ ([deleted])
9628	%
9629	There’s probably a lot of anti-maskers that smoke cigarettes
9630
9631	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoqfc/theres_probably_a_lot_of_antimaskers_that_smoke/ (kronossyt)
9632	%
9633	Starfleet Doesn’t Need Toilets
9634
9635	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoohz/starfleet_doesnt_need_toilets/ (serious_sarcasm)
9636	%
9637	The most manly thing a man can do is have a tea party with his daughter
9638
9639	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoo9w/the_most_manly_thing_a_man_can_do_is_have_a_tea/ (rainbowsixsiegeboy)
9640	%
9641	At one point, you've been the closest you've ever been to a dead body in your life without knowing it.
9642
9643	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwomf1/at_one_point_youve_been_the_closest_youve_ever/ (CartoonGuy277)
9644	%
9645	Somebody in a 3d action movie must have thought that a real punch to the face was a part lf of the movie
9646
9647	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwolp3/somebody_in_a_3d_action_movie_must_have_thought/ (iamapersonmf)
9648	%
9649	The world record holder for the world's youngest person is constantly broken.
9650
9651	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoihw/the_world_record_holder_for_the_worlds_youngest/ (Jida-polysavoir99)
9652	%
9653	Humans are both the most intelligent and the most dumb creatures in the world.
9654
9655	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwohzq/humans_are_both_the_most_intelligent_and_the_most/ (Halit_Eren)
9656	%
9657	You’re not helping anything when you label yourself and others.
9658
9659	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwohui/youre_not_helping_anything_when_you_label/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
9660	%
9661	Due to the incremental way that sales tax works, there are some prices that you will never pay.
9662
9663	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwofs3/due_to_the_incremental_way_that_sales_tax_works/ (TheStarmanLord)
9664	%
9665	A cloud is comparable to a person in many ways, whether looked up to or pointed at by kids. Each cloud is unique, coming in many shapes and forms, and when clouds come together they can create storms and make things move on a grand scale.
9666
9667	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoetv/a_cloud_is_comparable_to_a_person_in_many_ways/ (iAaronicBird)
9668	%
9669	Digging down is also digging up.
9670
9671	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoej0/digging_down_is_also_digging_up/ (MattOnePointO)
9672	%
9673	Both concrete and glass are mostly made of sand which makes skyscrapers just really tall sand castles.
9674
9675	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwob6d/both_concrete_and_glass_are_mostly_made_of_sand/ (AlmightyOne23)
9676	%
9677	The walking path at the zoo is the human enclosure
9678
9679	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoarv/the_walking_path_at_the_zoo_is_the_human_enclosure/ (SmackEh)
9680	%
9681	The universe might be creeped out when it finally notices us spying on it.
9682
9683	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwoadu/the_universe_might_be_creeped_out_when_it_finally/ (PolyphenolOverdose)
9684	%
9685	It must really suck to gave the surname Einstein and have below average intelligence
9686
9687	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo97l/it_must_really_suck_to_gave_the_surname_einstein/ (maybebaby83)
9688	%
9689	Carly and Spencer from “iCarly” literally had an elevator leading to their appartment, making it about the most vulnerable place for theft.
9690
9691	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo8p2/carly_and_spencer_from_icarly_literally_had_an/ (joepoe12345)
9692	%
9693	We are all equally far from the horizon at all times
9694
9695	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo866/we_are_all_equally_far_from_the_horizon_at_all/ (NomadTheNomad)
9696	%
9697	A 12 year old girl from a kid’s anime causes the most hentai addictions
9698
9699	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo7lw/a_12_year_old_girl_from_a_kids_anime_causes_the/ (Joshadow11)
9700	%
9701	Getting an itch on your foot while being ticklish is a strange conundrum.
9702
9703	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo760/getting_an_itch_on_your_foot_while_being_ticklish/ (Therpj3)
9704	%
9705	An infinity bow is really a 384 bow
9706
9707	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo5xe/an_infinity_bow_is_really_a_384_bow/ (Ad3quat3)
9708	%
9709	Peace cannot happen if the majority wants to profit from being right.
9710
9711	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo53d/peace_cannot_happen_if_the_majority_wants_to/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
9712	%
9713	You know you’re getting old when you have to make your headphones as big as possible
9714
9715	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo4ke/you_know_youre_getting_old_when_you_have_to_make/ (Sacred_Taco_Wizard)
9716	%
9717	When you get into the passenger seat of a car, you’re in spectator mode.
9718
9719	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo3xb/when_you_get_into_the_passenger_seat_of_a_car/ ([deleted])
9720	%
9721	Maybe the comets didn't hit us because somebody wished for the comet not to hit earth
9722
9723	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo2sr/maybe_the_comets_didnt_hit_us_because_somebody/ (chizhi1234)
9724	%
9725	It's amazing how much better bread tastes compared to flour.
9726
9727	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo22a/its_amazing_how_much_better_bread_tastes_compared/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
9728	%
9729	Many successful actors have actual work husbands/work wives
9730
9731	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo0de/many_successful_actors_have_actual_work/ (D3ltaforc3)
9732	%
9733	If people could rate and review profiles on Tinder after their date, someone could be saved of a horrible day.
9734
9735	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwo03h/if_people_could_rate_and_review_profiles_on/ (i_dont_haveausername)
9736	%
9737	Hxuesule fkdodne kdpfndlw dpfld fo fdodlb
9738
9739	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnzq3/hxuesule_fkdodne_kdpfndlw_dpfld_fo_fdodlb/ (HugoSaxen)
9740	%
9741	If it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all
9742
9743	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnwn0/if_it_werent_for_bad_luck_wed_have_no_luck_at_all/ ([deleted])
9744	%
9745	If we go by autocorrect, no one an spell properly or speak English.
9746
9747	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnweh/if_we_go_by_autocorrect_no_one_an_spell_properly/ (AngelFox1)
9748	%
9749	Humans in 200 years
9750
9751	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnuzx/humans_in_200_years/ (scrowley08)
9752	%
9753	Sooner or later all ot the energy will turn into heat
9754
9755	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnu62/sooner_or_later_all_ot_the_energy_will_turn_into/ (ProAssassin666)
9756	%
9757	The only way an arrow will ever reach its target is to be pulled backwards first.
9758
9759	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwntm9/the_only_way_an_arrow_will_ever_reach_its_target/ ([deleted])
9760	%
9761	The next mobile Nintendo game will be a Smash Bro’s game without a doubt.
9762
9763	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwns8s/the_next_mobile_nintendo_game_will_be_a_smash/ (NighTraiN7804)
9764	%
9765	Shaving your face is probably equally as difficult for someone with sharp jawlines as it is for someone who is has a pudgy face.
9766
9767	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwns58/shaving_your_face_is_probably_equally_as/ ([deleted])
9768	%
9769	"Cute girls" are just "hot girls" without all the makeup and arrogance
9770
9771	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnrym/cute_girls_are_just_hot_girls_without_all_the/ ([deleted])
9772	%
9773	Although many people misuse the term 'millenials' to refer to teenage behavior, the very first millenials will turn 40 next year..
9774
9775	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnqjy/although_many_people_misuse_the_term_millenials/ (SharpshootinTearaway)
9776	%
9777	In a few seasons when the Stranger Things kids are 18, we all will witness the most uncomfortable sex scene imaginable.
9778
9779	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnpei/in_a_few_seasons_when_the_stranger_things_kids/ ([deleted])
9780	%
9781	Alfa Romeos all look ridiculously hilarious. Their grille looks like a vagene.
9782
9783	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnowb/alfa_romeos_all_look_ridiculously_hilarious_their/ (nex0rz)
9784	%
9785	When a person wearing glasses takes a photo of the moon using a telescope from a camera, there are total of five consecutive lenses.
9786
9787	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnoqj/when_a_person_wearing_glasses_takes_a_photo_of/ (Negativride)
9788	%
9789	A middle school music concert is more impressive for the teacher who coordinated the whole thing than the kids performing.
9790
9791	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnomz/a_middle_school_music_concert_is_more_impressive/ (lucidvision5)
9792	%
9793	All sweets are sugar flavoured.
9794
9795	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnnxn/all_sweets_are_sugar_flavoured/ (Mantiokas)
9796	%
9797	“Old McDonald” gets a lot darker when you realize everything is past tense.
9798
9799	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnnxb/old_mcdonald_gets_a_lot_darker_when_you_realize/ (TurtleKing0505)
9800	%
9801	We listen to music loud in our cars so we can sing along and not hear our own voices.
9802
9803	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnlgt/we_listen_to_music_loud_in_our_cars_so_we_can/ (sanjirou3)
9804	%
9805	cavemen probably didn’t wipe their asses
9806
9807	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnjqe/cavemen_probably_didnt_wipe_their_asses/ (socksgrowonbushes)
9808	%
9809	Mullets are always associated with rednecks, but mullets actually prevent rednecks.
9810
9811	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnisk/mullets_are_always_associated_with_rednecks_but/ ([deleted])
9812	%
9813	Being stabbed in the eye is significantly worse if your eyes are closed
9814
9815	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnho9/being_stabbed_in_the_eye_is_significantly_worse/ (aestheticdickwad)
9816	%
9817	Having kids is a pyramid scheme
9818
9819	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnhdn/having_kids_is_a_pyramid_scheme/ ([deleted])
9820	%
9821	Dark mode will be the default mode in phones one day.
9822
9823	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwngz8/dark_mode_will_be_the_default_mode_in_phones_one/ (RecoveringRelapser)
9824	%
9825	Addition is one-dimensional, multiplication is two-dimensional and powers are three-dimensional.
9826
9827	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwngr0/addition_is_onedimensional_multiplication_is/ (BahamanLlama)
9828	%
9829	We think babies are cute and tiny, but they're ridiculously big compared to newly borns of many other species..
9830
9831	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwndps/we_think_babies_are_cute_and_tiny_but_theyre/ (CaveFlavored)
9832	%
9833	Maybe Joker accidentally switched the addresses in The Dark Knight.
9834
9835	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnda6/maybe_joker_accidentally_switched_the_addresses/ (RecoveringRelapser)
9836	%
9837	"You do you" and "Go f**k yourself" have both the same and wildly different meanings
9838
9839	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwncri/you_do_you_and_go_fk_yourself_have_both_the_same/ (mike_okismul)
9840	%
9841	Some people complained that many comedy TV shows aren’t really funny without their laugh tracks. But many horror shows would also be as bland without spooky sound, especially during jump scare. And it’s the same for many other genre as well.
9842
9843	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnbrq/some_people_complained_that_many_comedy_tv_shows/ (Leris)
9844	%
9845	Da Bomb is the real star of Hot Ones.
9846
9847	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnbdq/da_bomb_is_the_real_star_of_hot_ones/ (pikknz)
9848	%
9849	Nobody cares how a car engine works until it doesn't work
9850
9851	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnb52/nobody_cares_how_a_car_engine_works_until_it/ (Seedpound)
9852	%
9853	Dogs don't give a shit about being naked in public.
9854
9855	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwnazp/dogs_dont_give_a_shit_about_being_naked_in_public/ (SoepjesKoekjes)
9856	%
9857	People pay a premium for bread with bigger air pockets, even though they are actually getting less bread.
9858
9859	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwna4b/people_pay_a_premium_for_bread_with_bigger_air/ (SayLittleDoMuch)
9860	%
9861	The world population is inaccurate because there are humans in space.
9862
9863	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn8zc/the_world_population_is_inaccurate_because_there/ (DarkKing16)
9864	%
9865	the future cannot be predicted because of emergent properties
9866
9867	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn8pv/the_future_cannot_be_predicted_because_of/ (jiohdi1960)
9868	%
9869	Technically the day we are born is our birthday. All the other years it's our birthday anniversaries.
9870
9871	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn8it/technically_the_day_we_are_born_is_our_birthday/ (me--_--gusta)
9872	%
9873	You aren’t a part of the white or black race, you’re a part of the human race.
9874
9875	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn700/you_arent_a_part_of_the_white_or_black_race_youre/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
9876	%
9877	When two people kiss, both buttholes technically connect
9878
9879	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn672/when_two_people_kiss_both_buttholes_technically/ (BoomBoom64)
9880	%
9881	We correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects us
9882
9883	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn4s7/we_correct_autocorrect_more_than_autocorrect/ (sergiogfs)
9884	%
9885	You have one birthday the rest are anniversaries
9886
9887	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn4q4/you_have_one_birthday_the_rest_are_anniversaries/ ([deleted])
9888	%
9889	A person with big brain has more memory capacity but people associate it with intelligence.
9890
9891	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn4fz/a_person_with_big_brain_has_more_memory_capacity/ (iMuzamil)
9892	%
9893	In kindergarten our teachers made us understand syllables without even giving us a definition
9894
9895	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwn44p/in_kindergarten_our_teachers_made_us_understand/ (SomethingFunny2990)
9896	%
9897	Nitrogen might have a smell, but we've all gone nose blind to it from having breathed it in since birth.
9898
9899	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmxru/nitrogen_might_have_a_smell_but_weve_all_gone/ (BCICNSFD_HKSFM)
9900	%
9901	Nothing is better than bringing a dog to your room and it grabs it's favourite toy for you to throw
9902
9903	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmuq2/nothing_is_better_than_bringing_a_dog_to_your/ (GroundbreakingDeal0)
9904	%
9905	We’re so removed from our instincts that nurses need to advise new parents to cuddle their babies and sleep in the same room as them.
9906
9907	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmupw/were_so_removed_from_our_instincts_that_nurses/ (bridgeheadprod)
9908	%
9909	People like carrot cake because of the cinnamon, not because of the carrots.
9910
9911	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmtni/people_like_carrot_cake_because_of_the_cinnamon/ (Eertyu)
9912	%
9913	It's only acceptable to drink breast milk for so long.
9914
9915	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmtkl/its_only_acceptable_to_drink_breast_milk_for_so/ (postmodernhippiegoth)
9916	%
9917	The fact that sodium citrate makes great nacho cheese is INCREDIBLY suspicious given its chemical formula: Na₃C₆H₅O₇
9918
9919	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmqk0/the_fact_that_sodium_citrate_makes_great_nacho/ (TheForwardMomentum)
9920	%
9921	Movies with real-life logic feel like they make no sense
9922
9923	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmqic/movies_with_reallife_logic_feel_like_they_make_no/ (Titan_Royale)
9924	%
9925	You have one birthday, the rest are anniversaries.
9926
9927	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmqf4/you_have_one_birthday_the_rest_are_anniversaries/ ([deleted])
9928	%
9929	Billy Joel wrote "We Didn't Start The Fire" without the internet available to him
9930
9931	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmpwi/billy_joel_wrote_we_didnt_start_the_fire_without/ (3stackshs)
9932	%
9933	A bank will take money from your empty account then will proceed tell you there’s no money in your bank but will still take said money from your empty account.
9934
9935	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmpu1/a_bank_will_take_money_from_your_empty_account/ ([deleted])
9936	%
9937	When you walk down the street and see the local fire man booty 🔥
9938
9939	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmpsg/when_you_walk_down_the_street_and_see_the_local/ (strangerwithabigiron)
9940	%
9941	You breed conflict when you label yourself and others as something other than human.
9942
9943	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmppq/you_breed_conflict_when_you_label_yourself_and/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
9944	%
9945	You only think there are seven colours in the rainbow because it's commonly said there are
9946
9947	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmor6/you_only_think_there_are_seven_colours_in_the/ (AxialGem)
9948	%
9949	If the oldest man alive is 112, then 112 years ago there was a completely different set of humans
9950
9951	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmn1x/if_the_oldest_man_alive_is_112_then_112_years_ago/ (Titan_Royale)
9952	%
9953	Being a pirate was the old version of a get rich quick scheme
9954
9955	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmjoc/being_a_pirate_was_the_old_version_of_a_get_rich/ (OneAnimeBoi)
9956	%
9957	Common defects probably come from the fact that everybody is kind of related
9958
9959	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmixv/common_defects_probably_come_from_the_fact_that/ (crackerall)
9960	%
9961	When a child is born, they are the youngest person on earth.
9962
9963	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmio4/when_a_child_is_born_they_are_the_youngest_person/ (FastToflash)
9964	%
9965	One day, we're going to run out of purebred animals.
9966
9967	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmgzq/one_day_were_going_to_run_out_of_purebred_animals/ (AshKohn47)
9968	%
9969	It is odd that there are no flying plants.
9970
9971	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmgd7/it_is_odd_that_there_are_no_flying_plants/ (QuarterCricket)
9972	%
9973	Shoddy advertisement is more effective at deterring customers than an anti-product campaign.
9974
9975	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmg3d/shoddy_advertisement_is_more_effective_at/ (PossessedGumball)
9976	%
9977	When a company buys an online ad, they're probably losing more customers than they're gaining.
9978
9979	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmeb9/when_a_company_buys_an_online_ad_theyre_probably/ ([deleted])
9980	%
9981	Like Ring around a Rosie, we need cool nursery rhymes for Civid-19
9982
9983	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmdh7/like_ring_around_a_rosie_we_need_cool_nursery/ (Heavyspire)
9984	%
9985	You probably hold at least one world record without knowing it
9986
9987	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmdem/you_probably_hold_at_least_one_world_record/ (rovertnorad)
9988	%
9989	Respawning in a game changes your birthdate
9990
9991	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmcfe/respawning_in_a_game_changes_your_birthdate/ (Mootbing)
9992	%
9993	Those who've caused wars know it, but those who prevented them probably don't.
9994
9995	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmc92/those_whove_caused_wars_know_it_but_those_who/ (hijabifresh)
9996	%
9997	We cannot really know if it’s actually Thursday. Someone could have made a mistake some thousands of years ago, and it is actually Friday or Tuesday.
9998
9999	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmbs5/we_cannot_really_know_if_its_actually_thursday/ (netanelyat)
10000	%
10001	‘Indeed’ is a good place to fool people that you’re applying to a lot of places without actually having to be worried about really getting a job.
10002
10003	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwmaae/indeed_is_a_good_place_to_fool_people_that_youre/ ([deleted])
10004	%
10005	Your father is the ultimate motherfucker
10006
10007	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm9nw/your_father_is_the_ultimate_motherfucker/ (stompywomp)
10008	%
10009	Having sex with a family member is bad, unless you're married to them.
10010
10011	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm9jq/having_sex_with_a_family_member_is_bad_unless/ (RussianJeenyus)
10012	%
10013	We will never hear a new Toys R Us jingle
10014
10015	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm83s/we_will_never_hear_a_new_toys_r_us_jingle/ (Lagstravaganza)
10016	%
10017	We are lucky that air is invisible.
10018
10019	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm83d/we_are_lucky_that_air_is_invisible/ (Chels42)
10020	%
10021	People hide under blankets in fear of ghosts. Ghosts appear as blankets because they are also hiding from something.
10022
10023	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm7x8/people_hide_under_blankets_in_fear_of_ghosts/ (shiroukotomine)
10024	%
10025	Every job is a manual labor job, if you're smart enough.
10026
10027	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm332/every_job_is_a_manual_labor_job_if_youre_smart/ (The-Fish-Lord)
10028	%
10029	Having to start a lawnmower is a challenge that no other activity in life prepares you for.
10030
10031	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm1vs/having_to_start_a_lawnmower_is_a_challenge_that/ (southwoodhunter)
10032	%
10033	Considering how huge some dinosaurs were, it's quite possible that some smaller creatures were crushed to death by their falling poops.
10034
10035	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm11i/considering_how_huge_some_dinosaurs_were_its/ (hellslave)
10036	%
10037	Teenagers are better at finding drug dealers then the Police...
10038
10039	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwm085/teenagers_are_better_at_finding_drug_dealers_then/ (Samad17)
10040	%
10041	Fasting is literally watching your body eat itself alive.
10042
10043	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlzrl/fasting_is_literally_watching_your_body_eat/ (Isntitabouttime69)
10044	%
10045	We overestimate what we can do in a day and underestimate what we can do in an year.
10046
10047	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlwls/we_overestimate_what_we_can_do_in_a_day_and/ (RecoveringRelapser)
10048	%
10049	Well eventually turn earth into dust from our desire for territory, space and lust.
10050
10051	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlwft/well_eventually_turn_earth_into_dust_from_our/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
10052	%
10053	Teleporters could just be highly advanced 3D printers.
10054
10055	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlvqk/teleporters_could_just_be_highly_advanced_3d/ (zuwiboiii)
10056	%
10057	Well eventually turn this whole planet to dust from our desire for territory, space and lust.
10058
10059	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlvn8/well_eventually_turn_this_whole_planet_to_dust/ ([deleted])
10060	%
10061	Any word can rhyme if you willing to pronounce it badly enough
10062
10063	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlvg0/any_word_can_rhyme_if_you_willing_to_pronounce_it/ (ditenado)
10064	%
10065	Toddler skulls are full of teeth sitting in the ranks, waiting to erupt.
10066
10067	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlt4m/toddler_skulls_are_full_of_teeth_sitting_in_the/ (OyVeyzMeir)
10068	%
10069	Dogs never figure out what fireworks are.
10070
10071	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlsvs/dogs_never_figure_out_what_fireworks_are/ (JimmyBags2)
10072	%
10073	Thank you for being born is one of the nicest things you'll ever hear from someone else
10074
10075	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwls9s/thank_you_for_being_born_is_one_of_the_nicest/ (Lord_Azian)
10076	%
10077	The fact that you procrastinate and still get shit done is the exact reason why you procrastinate
10078
10079	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwls4c/the_fact_that_you_procrastinate_and_still_get/ (Xenon_Heathy)
10080	%
10081	Death is the only expected, and unexpected thing to exist.
10082
10083	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwls1z/death_is_the_only_expected_and_unexpected_thing/ (LightslicerGandP)
10084	%
10085	All of the fruit we eat is dead
10086
10087	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlr5f/all_of_the_fruit_we_eat_is_dead/ (CandyLover312)
10088	%
10089	Clothes are food wrappers to mosquitoes.
10090
10091	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlqf8/clothes_are_food_wrappers_to_mosquitoes/ (NonBelieverBeliever)
10092	%
10093	Some kids when they get their first haircut experience shear terror.
10094
10095	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlpul/some_kids_when_they_get_their_first_haircut/ ([deleted])
10096	%
10097	Our childhood ends when we start getting “stomach aches” instead of “tummy aches”
10098
10099	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlp2e/our_childhood_ends_when_we_start_getting_stomach/ (TheUnfactorable)
10100	%
10101	There are many crazy news on TV. But no one heard of a single prostitute ruining their career because of getting pregnant
10102
10103	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlm22/there_are_many_crazy_news_on_tv_but_no_one_heard/ (vpetrychuk)
10104	%
10105	Watermelons look like fat cucumbers
10106
10107	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwllt6/watermelons_look_like_fat_cucumbers/ (v0rTeX767)
10108	%
10109	If you tell yourself that you need to do your homework to earn 2 cookies, you can bribe yourself with one cookie to let yourself eat the other cookie, so you don't need to do your homework.
10110
10111	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlkrd/if_you_tell_yourself_that_you_need_to_do_your/ (Darkmaster666666)
10112	%
10113	People born blind can create with their imagination without having seen a thing.
10114
10115	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwljzs/people_born_blind_can_create_with_their/ (AndrewSmalley)
10116	%
10117	Walking around unmasked people feels weirder than walking around masked people.
10118
10119	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwljx6/walking_around_unmasked_people_feels_weirder_than/ (GentleBreeze96)
10120	%
10121	A minute is short when you put something in the microwave and try to complete a task but long when you sit and watch it go by.
10122
10123	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlj2a/a_minute_is_short_when_you_put_something_in_the/ (Kila_Joule)
10124	%
10125	The golden ratio is 1,618 and the difference between 1 mile and 1 km is 1,609. Therefore, if you memorise a couple of the Fibonacci numbers, you can easily convert miles and kilometres quickly in your head.
10126
10127	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlisf/the_golden_ratio_is_1618_and_the_difference/ ([deleted])
10128	%
10129	If a woman is born with all the eggs she will ever have then you are technically the same age as your mother
10130
10131	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlfx5/if_a_woman_is_born_with_all_the_eggs_she_will/ (themattcrumb)
10132	%
10133	If the humans were extinct and only dogs survived, would an apple still be red.
10134
10135	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlfty/if_the_humans_were_extinct_and_only_dogs_survived/ (gooodkush)
10136	%
10137	If you had a dollar for every girl that found you unattractive, girls would find you attractive.
10138
10139	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlf8c/if_you_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_you/ (wolfyrinee)
10140	%
10141	Destruction follows humans wherever they go.
10142
10143	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwle2b/destruction_follows_humans_wherever_they_go/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
10144	%
10145	It's quicker to count to 10, 6 times, than to count to 60.
10146
10147	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlde4/its_quicker_to_count_to_10_6_times_than_to_count/ (__Dawn__Amber__)
10148	%
10149	If mosquitoes knew how much they were hated, they probably would bite more often, and maybe in swarms.
10150
10151	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwlbai/if_mosquitoes_knew_how_much_they_were_hated_they/ (Mahagoney-locket)
10152	%
10153	Every person ever has held the record for the youngest person alive. Every person ever will hold the record for the last person to die.
10154
10155	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl71w/every_person_ever_has_held_the_record_for_the/ (opktun2)
10156	%
10157	Peace is a word we created but it can’t exist if the creator is here to stay.
10158
10159	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl5i2/peace_is_a_word_we_created_but_it_cant_exist_if/ (hiphopnoumenonist)
10160	%
10161	There's no "u" or "i" in the world "happy" but there is a "y".
10162
10163	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl3o2/theres_no_u_or_i_in_the_world_happy_but_there_is/ (imDiRT)
10164	%
10165	Roosters = Cocks because "cock a doodle do"
10166
10167	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl33f/roosters_cocks_because_cock_a_doodle_do/ (AmuroRay0704)
10168	%
10169	Staring at the sun gives you a temporary real life crosshair.
10170
10171	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl2ko/staring_at_the_sun_gives_you_a_temporary_real/ (itzWiCK3D)
10172	%
10173	Assassins probably know more painless ways to kill people than painful.
10174
10175	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl2bd/assassins_probably_know_more_painless_ways_to/ (RavenDraws63t)
10176	%
10177	Ironically, a vacuum that "sucks" is one that doesn't work very well, though it is technically it's main purpose
10178
10179	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl0ys/ironically_a_vacuum_that_sucks_is_one_that_doesnt/ (Extraparmplz)
10180	%
10181	Life doesn’t go by fast, we just forget most of it
10182
10183	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwl06y/life_doesnt_go_by_fast_we_just_forget_most_of_it/ (The_CameronVal)
10184	%
10185	Spinach and Kale are boring grown up versions of Shrinky Dinks
10186
10187	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkz5w/spinach_and_kale_are_boring_grown_up_versions_of/ (RatherNerdy)
10188	%
10189	It seems the newer someone is to a social media platform the more notifications they get from it.
10190
10191	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkxm0/it_seems_the_newer_someone_is_to_a_social_media/ (sopedound)
10192	%
10193	The biggest improvement that anyone will ever make is jumping ahead several billion ranks after starting in last place in the "Oldest Human" competition.
10194
10195	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkw36/the_biggest_improvement_that_anyone_will_ever/ (Communist_Pants)
10196	%
10197	A quick glance of US headlines show why Pride tops the list of the 7 deadly sins
10198
10199	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkvz0/a_quick_glance_of_us_headlines_show_why_pride/ (4EyedBrownDragon)
10200	%
10201	No one will ever know what death feels like, seeing as if you do, then you're dead
10202
10203	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkvkc/no_one_will_ever_know_what_death_feels_like/ (Budro123)
10204	%
10205	Arnold Schwarzenegger is the only person who you can immediately identify simply by his grunts.
10206
10207	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwku8x/arnold_schwarzenegger_is_the_only_person_who_you/ (goldfishtender)
10208	%
10209	The last human born on earth will probably only live to be several seconds old when they die, as some mass extinction event occurs.
10210
10211	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwktvu/the_last_human_born_on_earth_will_probably_only/ (TheLoneMinon)
10212	%
10213	The most famous person in the world on the day you die, probably isn't born yet
10214
10215	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwksam/the_most_famous_person_in_the_world_on_the_day/ (CwazyChris)
10216	%
10217	You're either uglier or more attractive than you think, you can never be sure.
10218
10219	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkrje/youre_either_uglier_or_more_attractive_than_you/ (puzh_buttonz)
10220	%
10221	Choices are hard, but everyone wants them.
10222
10223	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkr26/choices_are_hard_but_everyone_wants_them/ (CaptainConfusedALot)
10224	%
10225	Babies get praised for burping but adults get chastised.
10226
10227	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkqb8/babies_get_praised_for_burping_but_adults_get/ (bellyfloppin)
10228	%
10229	We will never find out what the King from Zelda CD-i actually had for dinner.
10230
10231	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkq1b/we_will_never_find_out_what_the_king_from_zelda/ (Ion_D-worth)
10232	%
10233	The reason we only celebrate birthday at young age and old age is because when we're young, we have only lived for few years and when we're old , we only live for a few more years
10234
10235	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkpll/the_reason_we_only_celebrate_birthday_at_young/ (Tutrois)
10236	%
10237	Pretty odd how all these superheroes only speak English
10238
10239	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkn42/pretty_odd_how_all_these_superheroes_only_speak/ ([deleted])
10240	%
10241	Most people rarely make grilled cheese on a grill
10242
10243	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkms5/most_people_rarely_make_grilled_cheese_on_a_grill/ (noodlecoffee_)
10244	%
10245	Midnight is not a great way to describe 12:00 am.
10246
10247	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkkka/midnight_is_not_a_great_way_to_describe_1200_am/ (BusyPooping)
10248	%
10249	Some songs better when you're not the one playing them
10250
10251	— https://reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/hwkk22/some_songs_better_when_youre_not_the_one_playing/

showerthoughts.dat · 424 KiB · Binary Raw

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