thotranhuu99 / fortune

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements? It's called Google Sheets. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftboup/did_you_know_google_now_has_a_platform_for/ % What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum? The vacuum doesn't snore after sex. April fools, I don't have a wife. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftbopj/what_is_the_difference_between_my_wife_and_my/ % On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister. I was happy to meat her. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftb7sx/on_my_18th_birthday_my_friend_introduced_me_to/ % Which animal has the softest bite? “Gummy” bears — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftb6sw/which_animal_has_the_softest_bite/ % Husband: I cheated on you once Wife: well if we are coming clean I cheated on you too Husband: haha April First! Wife: it was May 17 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftawab/husband_i_cheated_on_you_once/ % What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ftauqh/what_do_you_call_a_boat_full_of_dentists/ % Just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock... It's not great, but it gets me out of the house. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft9yt4/just_got_a_job_as_a_cuckoo_in_a_cuckoo_clock/ % How does Popeye stop his penis going rusty? He sticks it in Olive Oyl. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft9ps3/how_does_popeye_stop_his_penis_going_rusty/ % What's the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish, it dies! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8v27/whats_the_difference_between_meat_and_fish/ % Why do you call your dog ”I-know-what-you-did”? I love how many people jump 3 feet high when I start calling him. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8lvd/why_do_you_call_your_dog_iknowwhatyoudid/ % A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8jyz/a_blonde_ordered_a_pizza_and_the_clerk_asked_if/ % Like a fucking idiot, I left my apartment door unlocked and some prick came in and took a shit Yeah, so when I get home, I find two turds floating in the toilet. I know for a fact that when I left, there were three. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft8jd8/like_a_fucking_idiot_i_left_my_apartment_door/ % A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft87y8/a_doctor_tells_a_woman_she_can_no_longer_touch/ % A Japanese, British, and American soldier are marooned on an island inhabited by cannibals The three soldiers are brought to the tribal Chief, who tells the men they will be killed, skinned, and their skin will be used to make canoes. But, the Chief out of respect for the men will allow them to choose their own way to die. The Japanese soldier asks for a sword and commits Seppuku. His body is hauled away. The British soldier asks for a gun, holds the gun to his head and proclaims “long live the queen!” before pulling the trigger. His body is also hauled away. The American soldier thinks for a second, then asks “so you want to kill us?” “Yes” said the Chief “And then you’re gonna use our skin to make canoes?” Becoming aggravated, the Chief responds “yes, yes, what’s so hard to comprehend about this?” “Well, in that case, I’ll take a fork please” Confused, the Chief orders his men to give the American soldier a fork. He takes a deep breath and starts stabbing his skin repeatedly yelling “fuck your canoes!!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7s8e/a_japanese_british_and_american_soldier_are/ % Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee. Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go... A month later 3 women are eating lunch and discussing where in the world are guys the horniest. First woman thinks: "Has to be Mexico. Have you seen how hot and sweaty guys are over there? They must fuck all the time, that's why." Second one says: "I was in a restaurant in France, after eating, rather than bringing me a cheque waiter brought me an invitation to his bed." Third woman interrupts: "That's nothing. Horniest guys live right here in our home country. Just a month ago I was walking down a street few blocks from here. I wasn't wearing any makeup or sexy clothes. And suddenly guy comes down from the sky, his dick out, yelling "Fuck me!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7jek/two_men_are_cleaning_windows_on_the_99th_floor_in/ % Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft7dof/pandemic_countrywide_fires_floods_locust_swarms/ % A duck threw a duck at another duck. So I shouted "DUCK!".... They all looked at me and said "what?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft729t/a_duck_threw_a_duck_at_another_duck_so_i_shouted/ % An American, an Asian, and Newfie were working on a 40 story building.... An American, a Chinese guy and a Newfie were working a 40 story skyscraper, while in the lunch room, the American opens up his lunch kit and complains, “Look at this! Ham and cheese! Every day ham and cheese! I swear if I get another ham and cheese I’m jumping off this building tomorrow!” His Chinese friend said “I hear ya buddy my wife she give me chicken sandwiches every day nothing but chicken, I don’t want you to die along so I will jump with you IF I get another Chicken sandwich” The Newfie half hearing the conversation says “well I got a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich, if I get one tomorrow, I’ll jump with you guys!” Seemingly excited. The next day the American took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it, the Chinese guy took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it. The Newfie was on the same elevator ride up with the Chinese guy to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it, A few days later the wives were all grieving the American’s wife says sobbing “well if I had known he didn’t like Ham and cheese sandwich I won’t have given him ham and cheese sandwiches!” The Chinese’s wife says sobbing “I know right, husband says he loves my cooking but no complaints about chicken sandwiches!” They look to the Newfie’s wife and she says “Don’t look at me, he made his own lunch!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft722f/an_american_an_asian_and_newfie_were_working_on_a/ % What is the difference between a new wife and a new job? After 5 years the job still sucks. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6ws9/what_is_the_difference_between_a_new_wife_and_a/ % I am gonna leave r/jokes here is why: Why — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6wfd/i_am_gonna_leave_rjokes_here_is_why/ % Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date. Mr. T: Here's your girl. Ninja Turtles: who is she? Mr T: Its April, fools. Also, I'm sorry. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6wf1/mr_t_set_the_ninja_turtles_up_on_a_blind_date/ % Honeymoon It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover." The husband replies, How can you tell after only 30 seconds?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6lri/honeymoon/ % When one door closes, another one opens Other than that, it's a pretty good car — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6eeo/when_one_door_closes_another_one_opens/ % Elite Hacker Finds a Magic Lamp He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie says "You have three wishes." Elite Hacker says "I wish I have zero more wishes." Genie says "You have 255 more wishes." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6cwb/elite_hacker_finds_a_magic_lamp/ % People must not cough near you. People can only cough far away. When you hear people cough, you should tell them to Far Cough — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6c9z/people_must_not_cough_near_you_people_can_only/ % Why did the semen cross the road ? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6ad2/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/ % A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "Ive been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, whats the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft662b/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/ % Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss. Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6554/masturbating_too_much_during_quarantine_can_lead/ % Can February March? No, but April May. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft64nv/can_february_march/ % A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft62dk/a_group_of_kindergarteners_were_trying_to_become/ % A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5tge/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/ % Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces And are now fed-up — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5lbe/due_to_a_huge_increase_in_deliveries_fedex_and/ % Nsfw: Do you think sperm would be disappointed... ...to find out they were in a gay dude's balls? They have one job: to be a baby, but the best they can be is a snack. Imagine your whole life you wanted to be an astronaut. You went to space camp, you studied hard. You beat the odds, and came in first of your class...you get the job, they load you into the rocket and instead of shooting you into space, they shoot you into some guy's asshole. I mean, being in a straight guy's balls can't be any better...like it's the last day of school, the bell rings, and all the kids pours out the doors and right into a sock. Even best case scenario you're target demographic is a cunt. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5hdg/nsfw_do_you_think_sperm_would_be_disappointed/ % Two men were riding through Mississippi when they're pulled over for speeding.. The officer approaches the driver's side, opens the door, pulls the driver out, and begins beating him senseless. When he's done he tells the driver, "We don't drive like assholes in Mississippi." Shoves him back in the car, walks around to the passenger side, repeating the process. The passenger pleads, "I wasn't driving, why me? Why ME?!" The officer says, "So you don't say I wish he would've tried that shit with me five miles down the road." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5dm6/two_men_were_riding_through_mississippi_when/ % Bill and Fred hang out at the beach . . . Bill meets a lot of girls, but Fred can’t get anywhere with them. Finally, Fred takes Bill aside and asks him, “What’s your secret?” “Well,” Bill says in a low voice, “I always put a potato in my trunks. Works every time!” Fred thinks that it’s a great idea, and the next day, he puts a potato in his trunks. They return to the beach, but this time the girls are RUNNING away from him. Bill waves him over. “Fred,” he says, “the potato goes in the front.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5a7k/bill_and_fred_hang_out_at_the_beach/ % News: Los Angeles to reopen gun shops as "essential" businesses. Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft54o6/news_los_angeles_to_reopen_gun_shops_as_essential/ % An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."... ...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!." The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'." Then the Irishman says "Oi tink Oi'd like for t' see a hundred Oirish dancers all doin' Riverdance before Oi go." The Englishman says "My request? Will you shoot me first?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4td1/an_englishman_an_irishman_a_scotsman_and_a/ % Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis. He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner. One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches." The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?" The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!" As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?" The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big. "6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4g9t/once_there_was_a_man_with_a_15_inch_penis/ % A Community Joke Where I Live (Sorry Californians) A Montanan, a Russian, and a Californian walk into a bar. The Russian orders vodka, pulls out his gun, and shoots it. Everyone says, "Why did you do that?". The Russian replies, "Back at home, we have a lot of vodka," The whole bar laughs at this. Then, the Californian orders wine, takes the Russian's gun, and shoots the bottle. The bartender asks,"Why did you do that?" The Californian says,"In California, we have a lot of wine." Again, the whole bar laughs. The Montanan order some beer, drinks it, takes the Russian's gun from the Californian and shoots him. Everyone screams, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" The Montanan replies, over sirens,"Well, in Montana, we have too many fucking Californians." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4d0s/a_community_joke_where_i_live_sorry_californians/ % An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot. The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calculated the optimal firing angle. He takes his rifle, consults his calculations, lines up and fires...but his shot is too high and goes over the buck. This being a joke, the buck doesn't run away so it's now the engineer's turn. He pulls out his tool kit and constructs a device to aim and fire his rifle. He completes construction, straps his rifle in, and calibrates the machine. The engineer then presses the fire button and steps back. The machine whirs, then fires the rifle...but the shot is too low and passes under the deer. The statistician throws his fists into the air and shouts, "We got him!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3zlr/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_statistician_go/ % Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again... Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3w6s/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/ % What do you call a cheap circumsion? A rip off — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3uvm/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumsion/ % A Woman gets 3 wishes... A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them! Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good! Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show! PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3n2a/a_woman_gets_3_wishes/ % Before VS After Marriage Before Marriage: Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait. Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No don't even think about it. Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will. Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: Never. Why are you even asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get. Girl: Will you hit me? Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy? Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes. Girl: Darling! After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3a8v/before_vs_after_marriage/ % What’s a pregnant woman to a cannibal? Kinder surprise. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft35ix/whats_a_pregnant_woman_to_a_cannibal/ % Cross-eyed Cow One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet. The vet came out and said he knew exactly what to do. He proceeded to take out a hose and stick it in the cow's butt. He then told the farmer to go around and watch the cow's eyes. As the farmer was watching the vet took a deep breath and blew into the hose. To the farmer's amazement the cow's eyes went back to normal. The vet said that'll be $200. The farmer was a bit taken aback by the steep charge, but he was thankful that his cow was back to normal, so he paid the vet without complaint. The next day, he went out to milk the cow as usual. To his great dismay he found that the cow's eyes were crossed again! He didn't feel like paying the vet again though, so he decided to treat the cow himself. He began to do the same procedure to the cow exactly as he saw the vet do it the day before. However he could not see if it was having the same effect. So he called Billy-Bob the farm hand over and said, "I want you to watch the cow's eyes while I blow in this hose." Billy-Bob agreed and watched as farmer Brown did the deed. However, nothing happened. He reported to the farmer who tried it again. Still, no result. Farmer Brown was stumped, so he told Billy-Bob to blow while he watched the eyes. As farmer Brown moved to the front, he saw Billy-Bob take out the hose and turned it around! Just before he put it to his lips, the farmer yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!" Billy-Bob looked at him incredulously and said, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2tx3/crosseyed_cow/ % I have a Polish friend that is a microphone tester And a Czech one, too... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2o6s/i_have_a_polish_friend_that_is_a_microphone_tester/ % You know the worst part about taking a corpse out on a date? They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2mu7/you_know_the_worst_part_about_taking_a_corpse_out/ % Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb. Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2klg/scientists_have_recently_discovered_that_97_of/ % My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2iik/my_girlfriend_and_i_had_sex_a_couple_of_days_ago/ % A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin. The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft2ftx/a_man_ran_into_the_bar_and_asked_the_bartender/ % I was asked" How often do you have sex?" Almost everyday. Almost on Sunday. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Etc. Etc. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft25s0/i_was_asked_how_often_do_you_have_sex/ % Q: Have you ever seen Malcolm in the middle? A) Yes B) No C) Maybe D) I don't know E) Can you repeat the question — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft24br/q_have_you_ever_seen_malcolm_in_the_middle/ % Why did Egyptian royalty have an easy time getting married? They had great Pharaoh-mones — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft1yxm/why_did_egyptian_royalty_have_an_easy_time/ % My wife offered me a blowjob today. ‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft1o1w/my_wife_offered_me_a_blowjob_today/ % A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home. Now he’s in a pickle. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft10kc/a_man_who_lived_by_the_sea_grew_a_cucumber_so/ % A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him. The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok..." says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0qtq/a_cowboy_is_captured_by_indians_the_chief_tells/ % Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations? They can cube the number 2. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0e1m/did_you_know_that_wombats_are_capable_of_complex/ % Do you ever wonder "Who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing?" Well, mind your own business. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0ch3/do_you_ever_wonder_who_am_i_where_am_i_going_what/ % A woman is giving birth to her child And finally, after much effort and pain, the doctor manages to help deliver the baby. The Doctor then proceeds to chuck the baby out of the window. W: "Why? Why did you do that to my poor baby, you monster?" The Doctor laughs maniacally and replies "April Fool's! He was already dead." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0axc/a_woman_is_giving_birth_to_her_child/ % What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror? Halloumi — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft07qs/what_did_the_cheese_say_when_it_saw_itself_in_the/ % A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters... He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszz6t/a_man_visits_a_wise_man_and_meets_his_three/ % Thought of this one on my own when I was a youngster. Why did the artist lose the gun fight? He didn't draw his gun fast enough! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszxcn/thought_of_this_one_on_my_own_when_i_was_a/ % Grandma in Court **Defense Attorney:** Will you please state your age? **Little Old Lady:** I am **94** years old. **Defense Attorney:** Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?** **Little Old Lady:** There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. **Defense Attorney:** Did you know him? **Little Old Lady:** No, but he sure was friendly. **Defense Attorney:** What happened after he sat down? **Little Old Lady:** He started to rub my thigh. **Defense Attorney:** Did you stop him? **Little Old Lady:** No, I didn't stop him. **Defense Attorney:** Why not? **Little Old Lady:** It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. **Defense Attorney:** What happened next? **Little Old Lady:** He began to rub my breasts. **Defense Attorney:** Did you stop him then? **Little Old Lady:** No, I did not stop him. **Defense Attorney:** Why not? **Little Old Lady:** His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! **Defense Attorney:** What happened next? **Little Old Lady:** Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him, 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' **Defense Attorney:** Did he take you? **Little Old Lady:** Hell, no! He just yelled, **'April Fool!'** And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszwxp/grandma_in_court/ % Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation... ..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose. Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000. Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M). Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls -"*Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!*" - says the soldier in charge of the measurement. -"*No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!*" - answers the colonel. The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "*Wait...where are your balls*?!" -"*I lost them in Vietnam*" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszw6c/three_american_colonels_are_in_the_us_about_to/ % They should put all COVID-19 patients to las vegas What happens in vegas stays in vegas — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszrku/they_should_put_all_covid19_patients_to_las_vegas/ % Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer." Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!" Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!" Patient: [angry] "What the hell?" Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszoxm/doctor_im_sorry_to_say_youve_got_lung_cancer/ % A man is suing another man for a car crash.... Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it! lawyer: how high can you raise it now? the man raises his hand to a very low place lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash? the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszlse/a_man_is_suing_another_man_for_a_car_crash/ % How can you tell if a soprano is at your front door? She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszl99/how_can_you_tell_if_a_soprano_is_at_your_front/ % How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? only one cause they don't like to share the spot light — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszjxu/how_many_actors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/ % Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus.. They’re calling it The Manhattan. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszhox/doctors_in_new_york_have_come_up_with_a_cocktail/ % Beautiful But A lady goes to a tattoo parlor to get Beautiful Butt tattooed on her behind in large letters because her husband keeps telling her what a Beautiful Butt she has. The tattoo artist convinces her that Beautiful Butt in large letters may not look to good with a big crack going down through the middle of the tattoo. So they decide on a big B on each but check.After she gets the tattoo she goes home and gets ready to surprise her husband. She gets naked and waits at the top of stairs for him to come in from work.Her husband opens the front door, steps in and sees her naked at he top of the stairs. She says,”I have a surprise for you honey.” Turns around and bends over. Her husband looks at her ass and says,”Bob, Bob, who in the hell is Bob!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszf3j/beautiful_but/ % What kind of jokes are allowed during the quarantine? Inside jokes — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszb7d/what_kind_of_jokes_are_allowed_during_the/ % What do they call it when your eye is infected with COVID-19? Corona-Iris. I'll see myself out. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz6fd/what_do_they_call_it_when_your_eye_is_infected/ % 911: 911, what is your emergency? Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter! 911: How do you know he was a painter? Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz678/911_911_what_is_your_emergency/ % Why can't ants get sick from Coronavirus? Because they have little anty-bodies. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz5se/why_cant_ants_get_sick_from_coronavirus/ % The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyxhp/the_spoon_in_a_waiters_pocket_catches_the/ % Why did the pilot get sick? Because he flu — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyrjh/why_did_the_pilot_get_sick/ % Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says: “Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says: “Actually, I’m going to this party at 8pm at this address. You should come by!” So he finishes with work, and goes home. He tidied up, gets dressed, and gets ready for the party. 8pm rolls by, and he gets to the address. It’s got a neon sign labeled “The Joke.” He doesn’t know anyone there except for the frosted cheerio, and he just kind of wants to leave. She comes up to him and says: “So glad you could come! Are you having a good time?” “Not really. I don’t know anyone here except for you. I think I’m just gonna get some punch.” He says. “Ooh, grab me a glass, would you?” She says. So he goes up to the table with all the drinks and snacks and such, but there isn’t anyone there. He grabs two glasses and promptly gets back to the frosted cheerio. “So, how’d it go?” Says the frosted cheerio. “Smoothly. There wasn’t even a line.” He replies. “Really?” She has a look of pure astonishment for some reason. “Yeah. The joke doesn’t have a punchline.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymst/told_this_joke_every_summer_as_a_camp_counselor/ % what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life. When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres. He didn't go on holiday to Spain, France or even the Lake District. No, his family holidays were centred around the agricultural shows, especially the Great Yorkshire Show and the Appleby Show. Sometimes, the tractor salesmen would even let him go for a ride on a tractor while they moved them about the ground! As he grew up, his love for tractors never waned or faded, and was just as strong on his wedding day as when he was a child, to the point, he didn't have wedding cars, but tractors! On his honeymoon, he and his new wife travelled north to stay at Appleby Manor Hotel and go to the show, telling everyone that they were honeymooning. One of the salesmen, who'd known him for years, asked if he'd like to drive his new wife around the showground in the newest machine. Obviously, he leapt at the chance! To take control of a tractor? This was a dream come true! So, he and his wife climbed aboard and he drove a full circuit of the ground, loving every single second. Of course, it couldn't last forever and all too soon, they got back to the salesman. They jumped down and thanked the salesman gratefully. The salesman asked if they'd like a photo with the tractor. Of course, they said yes and they stood next to the tractor, he with his hand on the step in front of the big wheel and his wife to the outside. Unknown to anyone, he had forgotten to put the handbrake on and a sudden gust of wind, combined with the slight incline the tractor was on caused it to roll forward. Before anyone realised what was happening, he'd slipped on the grass and the big wheel had run straight over him. The Great North Air Ambulance service was in attendance and flew him straight to the Cumberland Infirmary at Carlisle. Nearly every bone in his body was broken, several of organs were damaged and he had huge internal bleeding. It took hours of surgery to stabilise his condition, followed by a medically induced coma lasting several weeks and repeated surgical treatments to realign bones and repair what damage they could. He then was put into an intense physiotherapy regime to teach him to walk and rebuild the strength he had lost over the past six months. Obviously, all this time in the hospital gave him a lot of time to think about his life and he came to the realisation that being such a huge fan of tractors had been a massive waste of time and had, in the end, cost him a lot more than it had ever been worth. He vowed, silently, to leave his obsession behind and move on with a more normal life. As he laid in his hospital bed, day after day, week after week, month after month, subsisting on the hospital food and whatever his beloved and devoted wife bought to him, he realised that when he got out of there, what he really fancied was a proper pie and a pint in a proper pub. So when the day came, and he was finally discharged from the loving care of the infirmary, he hurpled on his stick across the road to the pub he'd seen. He got his pint from the bar, ordered a steak and ale pie with creamy mash, peas and gravy and took a seat at a table next to the window. He was sipping away, soaking up the ambiance and listening to the old man at the end of the bar put the world to rights, when the door to the kitchen flew open and a huge billow of smoke plumed into the bar and filled the room. Everyone was panicking, trying to get out of the pub, but not my mate. He just calmly stood up, using the table for support and opened the window. He turned his head into the smoke and inhaled deeply, turned back to the window and blew out. He did this twice more and the smoke was gone. Everyone just stopped and looked at him. After a moment the bartender spoke, “How the fuck did you do that???” “Easy,” replied my friend, as he took his seat and picked up his pint, “I'm an ex tractor fan.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymm8/what_a_set_up_for_a_dad_joke_its_worth_it_tho/ % Wedding The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note: "Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy3cb/wedding/ % Mickey Mouse wakes up on a snowy day and looks out his window. He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops. After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad news is, it was Minnie's hand writing. " — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxx82/mickey_mouse_wakes_up_on_a_snowy_day_and_looks/ % While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What’s yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind," replied Adam. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxnjh/while_two_families_were_waiting_in_line_to_see/ % 3 young men were lost in the desert without any food and water. After almost a full day of trying to find their way out, they stumbled across a small house. The 3 young men decided to see if there was any way they could get any help, including some drinks and a meal. After knocking on the door, the ugliest, most wrinkly, stinkiest women answered the door. Man #1: “So sorry to interrupt you this evening, but my two friends and I are stranded in this desert. Could we possibly use your phone and have a snack and some water" Lady: “Of course. I would be happy to help you handsome young me out! I actually just brewed some tea and made meatloaf. But first, one of you guys has to fuck me.” The 3 young men looked at each other, almost vomiting at the idea of sticking their dick inside this vile woman. Man #1: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I have a girl friend.” He walks away, tapping his friends shoulder. Man #2: “Yeah. I’m gay so I won’t be able to get hard.” He walks away, joining his other friend. Man #3: “I will do it. But you have to wear a blindfold.” Lady: “That’s just fine sweetie. Come on in.” Man #3 walks inside with the Lady while his other two friends stick outside. The ugly lady undresses, puts a blindfold on, and hands him a condom. He takes a corn on the cob from the pantry and inserts it into the lady, using it as a dildo. The lady screams and moans while the man is trying not to gag from the smell. After she orgasms, he throws the corn on the cob out of the window and stuffs the unused condom in his pocket. Lady: “Wow that was absolutely amazing. Here is some meatloaf and a thermos of iced tea. My phone is on the countertop right over there” After making some phone calls to his family and checking the gps to figure out how to get home, he walks outside with the meatloaf and some cold tea and walks around the corner of the house to find his friends. Man #3: “Hey guys, look how good this meatloaf looks!” Man #2: “Man, I don’t know about you. But we just shared the best buttered corn in our lives!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx8v5/3_young_men_were_lost_in_the_desert_without_any/ % A Religious Woman Get Married at 17 She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him. He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side. One year later she gets called to Heaven. At her funeral, the Priest says, "Let us thank our Father in Heaven that they're finally together." After the service, one of her children walks up to the Priest and asks, "When you said, 'Thank God they're together,' did you mean her and her first husband or her and her second husband?" The Priest says, "...I meant her legs." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx5h7/a_religious_woman_get_married_at_17/ % A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise. "why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam. "Because i iron better than you." answered the maid. Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?" "your husband did." Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?" "i cook better than you, madam." "who said that?" "Your husband did." A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat. "Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly. "i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid. With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?" The maid answered, "no, the gardener did." "Oh, so how much do you want?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx13r/a_gorgeous_maid_met_her_madam_and_asked_for_a_pay/ % Why did the queen felt depressed lately? Because she is in a midlife-crisis — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsx002/why_did_the_queen_felt_depressed_lately/ % Why did the people who moved constantly never get angry? Because they were no-mads — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswxzr/why_did_the_people_who_moved_constantly_never_get/ % A guy almost lost all his money on Reddit. To read the second part please input your credit card information bellow. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswl8s/a_guy_almost_lost_all_his_money_on_reddit/ % Since lockdown began, I've started making home movies... You could say I've became a regular Tentin Quarantino. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswgcf/since_lockdown_began_ive_started_making_home/ % I wish I could be ugly for just one day Because honestly, being ugly everyday sucks. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswery/i_wish_i_could_be_ugly_for_just_one_day/ % A man's wife goes missing... Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Audi Sergeant: What kind of Audi was it? Husband: (sobbing) Audi A6 Avant Black Edition, Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.) Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fswa5p/a_mans_wife_goes_missing/ % My wife complained that I never finish anything So I replied wi — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsw7w7/my_wife_complained_that_i_never_finish_anything/ % How do you get rid of a republican? You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsw1t9/how_do_you_get_rid_of_a_republican/ % What do you call an orgy between planets? The Big Bang. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsvriu/what_do_you_call_an_orgy_between_planets/ % Why do the Swedish military have barcodes on the sides of their ships? So when they all return to port, they can Scandinavian. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsvkwo/why_do_the_swedish_military_have_barcodes_on_the/ % I’ve been off my OCD pills for more than a year now! (Or 374 days, 7 hours and 3 minutes to be exact) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsuqk1/ive_been_off_my_ocd_pills_for_more_than_a_year_now/ % A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men. The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell. The second man has a purple jumpsuit on and black adidas. He offers her a job coaching a middle school track team. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell. The third man is tall and skinny, wearing a big trench coat and with a greasy slicked down mustache. He offers her a job doing kinky knee videos for a very niche crowd of viewers. She has a very pretty set of knees so she agrees. She excels tremendously at her job and within weeks has hundreds of guys paying her for simple videos of her knees! The only issue is, she’s up all night making them. She can’t sleep. She comes down for breakfast one day with black bags under her eyes and her dad says “honey, you absolutely need to get some sleep.” She replies “I can’t! I’m in some knee act” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsumjz/a_high_school_girl_decides_she_wants_extra_cash/ % The Gates of Heaven Three friends Thomas, Arthur, and Frank die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them and tells them that due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, God asked him to limit the number of people entering Heaven. The three friends were sad realizing that all three will not be together anymore, so they ask him how are you going to choose who among us will go through the gates? To which St Peter replied, " If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll go straight to Hell.” The three friends agreed. Thomas stepped in first. He was a philosopher so he said, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, you are going to Hell!” Arthur was next. He was a mathematician so he asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to St Peter. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, you are going to Hell!” Finally, Frank stepped in. He asked St peter to bring him a chair and he brought forward a chair. Frank asked him to drill 20 holes on the chair, he did just that. Frank then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” St. Peter inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the top-right.” “Wrong,” said Frank, “It’s wrong.” “It came out from my asshole.” And Frank went to Heaven. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsu453/the_gates_of_heaven/ % Where is the worst place you can go? In your pants. (From my 5 year old daughter, now much older) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstw8x/where_is_the_worst_place_you_can_go/ % What's worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstuau/whats_worse_than_lobsters_on_your_piano/ % How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb Only two but you have to wonder how they got in there — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fstbpd/how_many_flies_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/ % We're sorry to announce that April fools has been postponed. Due to the recent coronavirus crisis, April fools has been postponed to May 1st, 2020. Thanks for your cooperation. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fst9wa/were_sorry_to_announce_that_april_fools_has_been/ % Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun. Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fst7xv/alright_2020_youve_had_your_fun/ % In highschool, I won the "most secretive" award! I can't tell you how much it meant to me. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssydp/in_highschool_i_won_the_most_secretive_award/ % A dude walks up to a woman at a party... "Of all the ladies at this party, you're average", he said. The woman replied, "You are mean". And he said, "No, you are". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssu9u/a_dude_walks_up_to_a_woman_at_a_party/ % A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST." So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssqqc/a_philosophy_professor_walks_in_to_give_his_class/ % Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland? She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssll8/why_did_snow_white_get_kicked_out_of_disneyland/ % I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much... ...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssl2m/i_want_to_open_a_dispensary_for_people_who_like/ % Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive? Attempted murder. There was probable caws. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fssdfp/why_did_the_cops_arrest_the_two_crows_before_more/ % A neutron was pulled over by a cop There were no charges — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fss6f9/a_neutron_was_pulled_over_by_a_cop/ % Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19. He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity." The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus. He answers, "I'm Boris Johnson." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fss1pk/three_men_are_sitting_in_a_hospital_room_the/ % What did the lovebirds eat in quarantine when their plans for Las Vegas were canceled? Cantaloupe. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrzte/what_did_the_lovebirds_eat_in_quarantine_when/ % My ex has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh... I shit you not, when you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsru9r/my_ex_has_a_tattoo_of_a_shell_on_her_inner_thigh/ % Little Boy A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy. "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'' ''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrpjr/little_boy/ % I’ve always wanted to have Parkinson’s Just to shake thing up a bit — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrlcm/ive_always_wanted_to_have_parkinsons/ % Parents should wake their kids up early tomorrow and tell them to get ready for school because coronavirus was canceled April Fool's — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrhry/parents_should_wake_their_kids_up_early_tomorrow/ % I know I've never been all that attractive But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrhcb/i_know_ive_never_been_all_that_attractive/ % What did the doe (female deer) say as she was coming out of the woods? I'll never do that for two bucks again — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrgrt/what_did_the_doe_female_deer_say_as_she_was/ % Made this one up a couple months ago walking my daughter home from school after a snow day... My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke. If a chair made of snow is a snair, And a table made of snow is a snable, What is a house made of snow? . . . . . An igloo of course!!! (I bet you thought snouse!!) Posting today as I just realized it’s my cake day!!! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsre9r/made_this_one_up_a_couple_months_ago_walking_my/ % Game Warden Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.” The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsrb3i/game_warden/ % April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus. Everything you'll hear is true. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsr8x8/april_fools_day_has_been_cancelled_due_to/ % My son is such a miserable c*nt Bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqx1l/my_son_is_such_a_miserable_cnt/ % Teddy Roosevelt: what should we name the president's house? **guy who named the blueberry:** what colour is it? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqx0m/teddy_roosevelt_what_should_we_name_the/ % “I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqv2k/i_love_my_job_exclaimed_the_farmer_all_you_do_is/ % A man carefully looking through his marriage certificate His wife asked: What are you looking for? Man answered: Searched through this for 3 hours and found no GODDAMN Expiration date!!! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqtqq/a_man_carefully_looking_through_his_marriage/ % My wife said she thinks she saw people with blue-colored skin I told her "It's just a pigment of your imagination" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqnii/my_wife_said_she_thinks_she_saw_people_with/ % Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework? Only a Sith deals in absolutes — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsql3h/why_did_young_ewan_mcgregor_refuse_to_do_algebra/ % Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces? So you know that it's time to change the channel. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqj1l/why_does_dj_khaled_shout_his_name_at_the/ % 3 Engineers are discussing God and the human body. The first Engineer says God has to be an Electrical Engineer, who else could wire up such a complicated system? The second Engineer says God has to be a Structural Engineer, who else could build such a strong and sturdy frame? The third Engineer says you are both wrong. God IS a Civil Engineer, who else would run a sewer line through a recreational area?! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqfg2/3_engineers/ % I asked a grocery store worker where I could find cakes, pastries and Twinkies and the like and he took me over to the right place, telling me this is the proper spot but then left me before I could find what I was looking for and I couldn't leave until I found it. So, yes, I was stranded on a desserted aisle. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsqf9i/i_asked_a_grocery_store_worker_where_i_could_find/ % I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq7yy/i_was_doing_a_pretend_job_interview_with_my_6/ % The end is neigh bors — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq6cm/the_end_is_neigh/ % A little old lady sold pretzels on the corner for fifty cents each A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel. This went on for nearly five years. Even though they never spoke, every day he'd leave fifty cents, they'd make eye contact, and she would nod her gratitude as he walked away without a pretzel. Finally one day, as the lawyer passed her stand and laid down his two quarters, the pretzel woman spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are my best customer, but you need to know something. The price of pretzels has gone up to seventy-five cents." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq4z8/a_little_old_lady_sold_pretzels_on_the_corner_for/ % They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink? Put it in a blender — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsq28i/they_say_you_can_lead_a_horse_to_water_but_how_do/ % I asked my sister how her blind date went "Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about \*that\*?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspyp5/i_asked_my_sister_how_her_blind_date_went/ % My parents said I could go outside but had to stay 6 feet away from everyone So I went for a nice walk around the cemetery — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsprjg/my_parents_said_i_could_go_outside_but_had_to/ % How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb needs to want to truly change. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspnq7/how_many_psychiatrists_does_it_take_to_change_a/ % A man is buying a banana, an apple, and two eggs... The female cashier says, “Wow, you must be single!” The man answers, “Yes, actually I am. How on earth did you know that?” Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fspmwc/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/ % This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day ! Yesterday he brought a dog along — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsp4t8/this_german_shepherd_comes_has_a_poo_on_my_lawn/ % Testing trouble. Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsot27/testing_trouble/ % Starting Salary. ,Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsos7m/starting_salary/ % British people be like “I’m bri ish” Because they drank the t — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoopl/british_people_be_like_im_bri_ish/ % Ancient Greeks invented sex And Romans made it fun by adding women into it..... Until the British came...eh...arrived. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoo5t/ancient_greeks_invented_sex/ % A guy was walking home at night. When out of nowhere a hooker appeared and said “20 dollars.” The man replies “Hmmm... I’ve never been with a hooker before. At that point the man and the hooker walk over to some nearby bushes. They start going at it and about a minute or two in an officer walks over to the bushes and shines his light on the woman’s face. The officer says “What’s going on here?” To the man and the hooker. The man replies “I was making love to my wife.” The officer responds with “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” The man than replies with “Well neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsom3m/a_guy_was_walking_home_at_night/ % An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Ukranian man all walk into a pub with their wives. They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Ukranian man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the bacon, pig?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsojb1/an_englishman_a_scottish_man_and_an_ukranian_man/ % Why should China have a baseball team? Because they can take out the whole world with just one bat! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoe4j/why_should_china_have_a_baseball_team/ % Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsobjc/christmas_was_coming_and_little_johnnys_mom_and/ % What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies? Twobearculosis. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsoa6d/what_do_you_call_a_bacterial_disease_caused_by/ % Why is every gender equality officer female? Because it's cheaper. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fso9io/why_is_every_gender_equality_officer_female/ % I told my wife to flatten her curves Now we are socially distanced — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fso7ck/i_told_my_wife_to_flatten_her_curves/ % My boxing student quit so I think I’m going to replace her with my stylist. I remember that she said she was proud of her bob and weave. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnr70/my_boxing_student_quit_so_i_think_im_going_to/ % A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away." "Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked. "Why?" the doctor inquired. "Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnimq/a_man_went_to_the_doctor_and_told_him_every_night/ % My girlfriend and I are practicing social distancing Or as she calls it breaking up with me — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnhdn/my_girlfriend_and_i_are_practicing_social/ % Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine? Because it was a naan-Essential business. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsnegs/why_did_the_quarantine_shut_down_the_indian/ % Why was Heisenberg a poor lover? When he had the position, he couldn't find the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he couldn't find the position. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsna07/why_was_heisenberg_a_poor_lover/ % Jim moves to a small village for a new job... ... And the village has no women - only men and animals. Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?" The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there." Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to himself, "God! These barbarians are practicing bestiality! How terrible!" However, after months of living in the village, the horse looks more and more attractive. One day, the man can't take it anymore and asks the head of the village if he can use the horse for sex. The leader agrees, and so he sends a team of volunteers, headed by Jim, to use the horse. As they approach the horse, Jim takes off his pants and starts boinking this horse. "**What are you doing?**" exclaimed the rest of the team, "We don't fuck the horse; we ride it to the next town over!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsn6er/jim_moves_to_a_small_village_for_a_new_job/ % The peculiar tale of Hyman Goldfarb During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down. "That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?" "Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that." "So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference." "Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?" Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?" "Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight." At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh." The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsmoxj/the_peculiar_tale_of_hyman_goldfarb/ % In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one. Just treat it like it's any other day. Have fun! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fslvls/in_honor_of_the_eve_of_april_fools_day_just/ % The words I'm sorry and I apologize mean the exact same thing... ...well except at funeral. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fslbyw/the_words_im_sorry_and_i_apologize_mean_the_exact/ % Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club? Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsl4j7/have_you_heard_what_happen_to_mike_tysons_strip/ % If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskttg/if_you_re_bored_during_lock_down_try_finally/ % A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks. One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?” “I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to tell you is a secret, so you mustn’t share this with anyone. Not a SOUL. Don’t tell your father, don’t tell the tortoise down the street, nobody. Do you understand?” “Yes,” said the chick. “Well, your brother, he’s adapted.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskrsg/a_mother_galapagos_finch_has_two_chicks/ % What do you call two ants who have a baby together? Pair ants — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fskj9q/what_do_you_call_two_ants_who_have_a_baby_together/ % I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places. He told me to stop going to those places. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjvbb/i_told_my_doctor_i_broke_my_arm_in_2_places/ % Surprising horse A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside. They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to buy it, along with with a wide array of farm animals. A few months later, when they are settled in, they decide to invite the local vicar and his wife around for Sunday lunch in an effort to get to know their neighbours. Before the meal, John, Sarah, the vicar and his wife were sitting around the kitchen table talking, when the door suddenly flew open and in rushed Jimmy shouting "mum, dad, the bull is f**cking the cow!" John and Sarah were horrified and embarrassed that their guests should hear such coarse language. They both apologised profusely to the vicar and his wife and asked if lunch could be postponed to the following Sunday. Meanwhile, John and Sarah took Jimmy to one side and said, "Jimmy, it would have been so much better if you had told us that the bull was 'surprising' the cow instead of using the word you did". Next Sunday, just as before, the couple, as well as the vicar and his wife were sitting chatting before lunch, when again the door burst suddenly open and in rushed Jimmy breathlessly announcing "mum, dad, the bull is surprising all the cows", "He can't be surprising all the cows" said his mother, "He is mum" said Jimmy," He's f**cking the horse!". (Not my joke; copypasta from elsewhere) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjuph/surprising_horse/ % Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full" I thought, "I can't turn that down" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjsmb/yesterday_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/ % Chinese medicine The Brit expat couple had great jobs in Hong Kong, but after at time the man noted a problem. His wife seemed less interested in having sex with him. He went to see an ancient Chinese man, a practitioner of Confucian holistic medicine. "So simple," the sage said. "Rule of nine. Make move nine times, then change. Plant jade stalk in flowering lotus hard and fast, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. Then pause for count of nine. Then do oh-so-slow for nine. Than pause . Then change position from on top to on side. Same. Than change from on side to like doggies. Then same. Keep up for 90 minutes. Do this, she go wild for you." The Brit paid the sage, went home, and tried it. As promised, his wife went wild. At the end she rolled over, sweaty, limp, and half conscious, and asked her adoring husband "Herbert, that was fantastic. How EVER did you learn to fuck like a Chinaman?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjq0t/chinese_medicine/ % Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long for fat people — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjovg/momma_always_said_life_was_like_a_box_of/ % Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsjlzd/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_who_was/ % Don't Lie to Your Mom **Could have been posted before**, however here it goes... Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote : \---------------------- *Dear Mother:* *I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.* *Love, Kumar* \---------------------- Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which reads : \---------------------- *Dear Son:* *I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow.* *Love, Mom.* — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsj1wr/dont_lie_to_your_mom/ % As of today, I am cancer free!!! (I never had cancer, just wanted to announce I'm cancer free) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsicy4/as_of_today_i_am_cancer_free/ % Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him: "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.” The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?” The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that risk.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsi8dd/donald_trump_goes_on_a_factfinding_visit_to_israel/ % What is the German term for food shortages? Wurst Käse Scenario. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshsjb/what_is_the_german_term_for_food_shortages/ % What do you call a black man and a Chinese man stuck in traffic? Rush hour — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshr7m/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_and_a_chinese_man/ % Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust Herpilations 4:20 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshpl1/ashes_to_ashes_dust_to_dust/ % The golden rule of having sex with twins You can't come between them — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshpat/the_golden_rule_of_having_sex_with_twins/ % Did you know the Canary Islands have no canaries? Same with the Virgin Islands. No canaries. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshoxj/did_you_know_the_canary_islands_have_no_canaries/ % There are three types of people in this world The people who can count And the people who can’t — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsho8k/there_are_three_types_of_people_in_this_world/ % If you are looking for alphabet jokes, the joke is on U. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshmaz/if_you_are_looking_for_alphabet_jokes/ % do you know how they lined up the snobby prisoners? they did it in con-descending order — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshl76/do_you_know_how_they_lined_up_the_snobby_prisoners/ % Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac They always take things literally — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshc1f/never_tell_a_pun_to_a_kleptomaniac/ % The guilt from stealing and eating a whole peach is getting to me It's like theres a pit in my stomach — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fshbyj/the_guilt_from_stealing_and_eating_a_whole_peach/ % I hate people that say age is just a number Age is clearly a word — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsh92s/i_hate_people_that_say_age_is_just_a_number/ % The "teen" years of the 21st century didn’t end in 2019 like they were supposed to Twenty-Thir TEEN Twenty-Four TEEN Twenty-Fif TEEN Twenty-Six TEEN Twenty-Seven TEEN Twenty-Eight TEEN Twenty-Nine TEEN Quar-an TEEN — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgype/the_teen_years_of_the_21st_century_didnt_end_in/ % A child asked his dad," how are coins made". The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgvpf/a_child_asked_his_dad_how_are_coins_made/ % What’s a kiss after a blowjob? Cash back — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgviz/whats_a_kiss_after_a_blowjob/ % Before Coronavirus I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgj4a/before_coronavirus_i_used_to_cough_to_cover_a_fart/ % "Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?" "Because your mom loves Roses." "Thanks Dad." "No problem, John." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgiqb/dad_why_is_my_sisters_name_rose/ % I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said yes, all the others were at least sevens or eights. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsgd7y/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_i_was_the_only_one_shed/ % " I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfzt0/im_on_tinder_just_to_see_how_tinder_actually/ % April showers bring May flowers. What do Mayflowers bring? Smallpox. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfzi6/april_showers_bring_may_flowers_what_do/ % My Wife is missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Colour of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Colour of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Audi Sergeant: What kind of Audi was it? Husband: (sobbing) Audi A6 Avant Black Edition, Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.) Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfw10/my_wife_is_missing/ % Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today So the death row inmates were left hanging. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfne1/because_of_the_lockdown_the_people_from_the/ % I just told my best mate how much i love Beyonce. She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfdlt/i_just_told_my_best_mate_how_much_i_love_beyonce/ % a blind man walks into a restaurant A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsfbke/a_blind_man_walks_into_a_restaurant/ % You know, I don't get this Coronavirus... Must be an inside joke. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsf650/you_know_i_dont_get_this_coronavirus/ % How do you know when its time for bed in Jeffrey Epstine house? When the big hand touches the little hand. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsf3g4/how_do_you_know_when_its_time_for_bed_in_jeffrey/ % i prefer decimals over fractions fractions are just pointless — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsezd1/i_prefer_decimals_over_fractions/ % What do programmers eat for breakfast? Nothing much, just a byte. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fser8r/what_do_programmers_eat_for_breakfast/ % How do you know if somebody is curious? >!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!< — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsegbh/how_do_you_know_if_somebody_is_curious/ % 5 years ago, I went to an important job interview At the end of the interview, he asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "Probably sitting at home all day playing video games." I told him. Needless to say, I did not get the job but hey, look where we are now! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fse5fo/5_years_ago_i_went_to_an_important_job_interview/ % A teacher asked the class of first graders for the ones which was idiots to stand up. After a short while 1 of the students stood up, then the teacher asked him "Do you think you're an idiot?" the student then responded "No, I just felt bad that you had to stand alone" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fse1dv/a_teacher_asked_the_class/ % Three prisoners are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian asks for pepperoni pizza, which he is served and then taken away. The Frenchmen requests a filet mignon, which he is served and also taken away. The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply: “Strawberries?” “Yes, Strawberries.” “But they are out of season!” “I’ll wait.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsdx5q/three_prisoners_are_about_to_be_executed_they_are/ % So there was this man who wanted to be a train conductor (Long) So he works really hard at it and one day his dream came true. He was driving his train one day when he got distracted and he crashed killing one passenger. In his country the punishment for this is the electric chair. So they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 1 banana. Well it was a strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his banana they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. A year or 2 later he somehow managed to get his job back and was driving the train again and, what do you know he crashed. But this time he killed 2 passengers. Well the trial happened he was getting the electric chair again and they strap him up again and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 2 bananas this time. they thought that it was a really strange request but they still honored it. After he ate his bananas they turned the machine on they heard it zap but the conductor was still fine. It was weird but they just let it go. So about 5 years later he managed to get his job back yet again. He is driving again and crashed yet again. Trial happened again he was sentenced to death by the chair again. they strap him up and then asked if he had a last wish. He asked for 3 bananas. This time the executioner yells NO BANANAS THIS TIME and turns on the machine. And what do you know the conductor lived. The executioner asks the conductor, "how do you still live?" The conductor replies "I guess I am just a bad conductor". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsdldt/so_there_was_this_man_who_wanted_to_be_a_train/ % What's the biggest difference between Communism and Capitalism? Capitalism uses common sense Communism uses common cents — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd9y3/whats_the_biggest_difference_between_communism/ % British people are like: “I’m Bri ish” ...and here’s the t☕️ — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd6pi/british_people_are_like_im_bri_ish/ % A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?' — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd4ba/a_magician_was_working_on_a_cruise_ship_in_the/ % ‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor... It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsd2ua/my_girlfriend_left_a_note_on_the_fridge_door/ % As a crowded airliner is about to take off , the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscx9u/as_a_crowded_airliner_is_about_to_take_off/ % An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscwvn/an_electron_is_driving_down_a_motorway_and_a/ % R.Kelly has tested positive.. for SHEWASNT-19 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscup6/rkelly_has_tested_positive/ % Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. The 1st nurse says "I can't let that go to waste." She rides him. The 2nd nurse does the same. The 3rd nurse hesitates and explains that she is on her period but rides him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologies saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I'm feeling great!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscf3m/three_nurses_working_in_a_morgue_discover_a_dead/ % A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge. Good luck out there. Edit 2: Not RIP Inbox, but certainly the highest fever to date. Exceeded 600 upvoted. Thanks!!!! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fscewo/a_frog_goes_into_a_bank/ % I've just got back from Tesco... I've just got back from Tesco and I've seen a guy buying four crates of San Miguel, five paella’s and three sombreros and I thought to myself... ...Hispanic buying — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsc8jy/ive_just_got_back_from_tesco/ % I was going to tell a gay joke... But I couldn’t keep a straight face — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsc3qa/i_was_going_to_tell_a_gay_joke/ % When COVID is over I’m going to go dancing with random people and insult them. Social diss dancing. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbp1t/when_covid_is_over_im_going_to_go_dancing_with/ % Senior Sex -- The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbjv3/senior_sex/ % A symptom of Covid-19 is losing your sense of taste According to my wardrobe I've had it for years! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbie7/a_symptom_of_covid19_is_losing_your_sense_of_taste/ % There are two types of people in this world Avoid both! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbca3/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_this_world/ % Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and... All I could do was give them a puzzled look. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsbbmt/somebody_knocked_my_glasses_off_and_the_lenses/ % Hi everyone just be careful out their Please Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine no situation is too pressing. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsb7ov/hi_everyone_just_be_careful_out_their/ % Hi, Im William and Im so grateful god gave me two eyes Without them I'd be just Wllam — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsauf0/hi_im_william_and_im_so_grateful_god_gave_me_two/ % I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances certain circumstances funny — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsatfq/i_wasnt_sure_if_i_should_post_this_here_because/ % The young couple next door are making sex videos during the lockdown They just don't know it though... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsarvn/the_young_couple_next_door_are_making_sex_videos/ % This social distancing is going too far. I just went to make a cake and the first line on the packet said separate 2 eggs 🥚<-->🥚 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsahu5/this_social_distancing_is_going_too_far/ % Why is everyone so tired on April 1st? They just went through a grueling 31 day March. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsaep3/why_is_everyone_so_tired_on_april_1st/ % What is the worst combination of two sicknesses? Diarrhea and Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsabwq/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_two_sicknesses/ % A man visits a Doctor He says "doctor my maid has tested positive for corona virus" Doctor says "ok she would now have to go in isolation" "But sir, I had kissed her" "No problem, all make mistakes in youth. You are also going in isolation" "But then I kissed my wife too" "You crazy bitch, now I also have to go in isolation" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa43d/a_man_visits_a_doctor/ % My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away." Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa3ur/my_wife_said_i_dreamed_they_were_auctioning_off/ % Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.” So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long hair and flowing robes and they just blend in. Jesus says, “Damn Moses I don’t understand, the last time I was down here people would gather around and praise me.” Moses said, “I know me too. Watch this I’ll show them.” He walks over, grabs a frisbee And throws it out in the ocean. Walk up to the water, raises his hands and parts the water. He walks out picks up the frisbee, walks back to shore and everyone says, “ Yeah Moses.” Jesus says that’s pretty good Moses, but watch this.” He grabs the frisbee, throws it out in the ocean, takes off running across the water and just sinks. Moses walks up to water, raises his hands, parts the water, pulls Jesus up on shore, and pumps the water out of him. Jesus wakes up looks at Moses and says,”I don’t understand Moses, the last time I was down here I used to do this all the time.” Moses says, “SURE JUSES, BUT THAT’S BEFORE YOU HAD THE HOLES IN YOUR FEET.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsa1uq/jesus_and_moses/ % One of the students requested his teacher that he wanted to talk to him after class Teacher: - "What do you want to talk about?" Student: - "I think I'm intelligent enough and I should be in a higher class. Can you send me to a higher class?" The teacher delivered her request to the school director, and the director conducted an interview to assess the student's ability. Director: - "How much is 3 by 4?" Student: - "12". Director: - "Well, how much is 6 by 6?" Student: - "36". Director: - "Where is Japan's capital?" Student: - "Tokyo" The director questioned for about half an hour and the student made no mistake in answering once. Then he said to Teacher that if you want to ask anything you can ask. Teacher: - "Okay, so what is that thing that cows have four and I have two?" (The director looked at Teacher with surprise). Student: - "Legs!" Teacher: - "Exactly, now tell me what's in your pants and not in my pants?" (Director was shocked and embarrassed). Student: - "pocket" Teacher: - "Where do women have curly hair?" (The director is shocked). Student: - "In Africa" Teacher: - "What is the soft thing that becomes hard in the hands of women?" (The director's heartbeat stopped). Student: - "Nail polish". Teacher: - "What is between the legs of women and men?" (Director mumbles). Student: - "Knees" Teacher: - "Awesome! Now tell me what is it that a married woman has bigger than a virgin girl?" (The director's body is dead). Student: - "A Bed". Teacher: - "What is the place in my body that causes the highest moisture on the planet?" (The director looked up at the sky and started shouting to God). Student: -"Mouth" After hearing all this, the director said: I don’t deserve to be Director anymore, I am going back to Kindergarten — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9x9k/one_of_the_students_requested_his_teacher_that_he/ % They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9wog/they_did_a_study_comparing_the_brains_of_17/ % Technically we're all Jokers Cause we're all getting fucked over by a bat man. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9nju/technically_were_all_jokers/ % A once small tree house building business exploded into a giant nationwide company. They have branches everywhere these days. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9m9n/a_once_small_tree_house_building_business/ % I've found something a thousand times better than Instagram Instakilogram — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9hha/ive_found_something_a_thousand_times_better_than/ % As soon as this Corona thing settles a bit I'm just gonna stay home for a few days. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs9bht/as_soon_as_this_corona_thing_settles_a_bit/ % Parrot It's a woman and it's her birthday, so she decides to go out and buy herself a parrot. She goes to a lot of stores, but she can't find one. Disappointed, she decides to go home. Finally, she sees a pet store where she hasn't been yet so she goes to see if she can find a parrot there. She goes to see the salesman and asks him if he has a parrot. "No, sorry, I don't." "But I see one at the back of your shop, it's got a bit of a strange face but well..." "It's not for sale, it'll get you in trouble." "I don't care, it's my birthday, I absolutely want one!" "Well, OK, but he grew up in a brothel, so he's a bit vulgar." So she buys the parrot and goes home. Then she gets ready to go out to celebrate her birthday with some friends and when she gets to the front door, the parrot starts talking. "Hey bitch! You're gonna get fucked tonight, aren't you? Bitch..." She doesn't pay attention to him and leaves. She comes home at 4am and the parrot says to her. "So bitch? Did you get fucked good?" She's tired, so she's going to bed. She wakes up the next day and goes to breakfast. There the parrot talks to her again. "Hey bitch! You're walking funny today, you got fucked really good last night, didn't you? Fucking slut..." She finally gets mad and goes back to the store where she bought the parrot. She asks the clerk if he has a solution to calm the parrot down. "I might have something that could work. It's a special black paint, it'll shut him up." So she goes home and as usual the parrot greets her. "Hey bitch!" She takes the paint and paints it black. Then he says nothing more. After a week without him saying anything she goes to him and says. "Well, asshole? You don't talk now, do you?" "When I'm in a tuxedo, I don't talk to bitches." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8qca/parrot/ % KNOCK KNOCK Knock, knock! Who’s there? Opportunity! That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8psb/knock_knock/ % Engineers take a bow! During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation offered its employees a huge reward to come up with diagnoses. To the surprise of the top engineers, old Jenkins the janitor meekly said he had an idea. Well, desperation breeds opportunities, so they asked him to explain. In reply he merely requested a power drill, and when supplied one he climbed onto the wings of the latest prototype and proceeded to make holes a few inches apart where the wings joined the fuselage. "Now, get your test pilot to fly the fighter", Jenkins advised. Sceptical, but curious, the engineers did. Lo! The jet fighter passed with flying (pun intended) colors. No more wing snapping. Amazed, the engineers surrounded Jenkins amidst all the celebration and asked him how he had hit upon such a clever solution that evaded all the engineering brains. Here is Jenkins' response. "Ladies and gentlemen, even though I did not not have the benefit of university training like you, I am an observant chappie. You see, as janitor one of my duties is to change the toilet rolls in the loos when they run low. Now, you know how toliet paper has rows of holes separating sheets? Well, how often have you seen toilet paper actually tear along these holes?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8ivz/engineers_take_a_bow/ % How do you grab the attention of a pervert? An NSFW tag — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs8bp9/how_do_you_grab_the_attention_of_a_pervert/ % I feel famous This entire subreddit is about me. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs89b3/i_feel_famous/ % Why can't China play baseball? Because they will eat the Bat. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs87gn/why_cant_china_play_baseball/ % Why every brit says "I'm brii iish"? I thought they liked t. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs81fr/why_every_brit_says_im_brii_iish/ % It was never my intention to be a porn star Something just came over me. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7zon/it_was_never_my_intention_to_be_a_porn_star/ % The Logician Husband A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7z2k/the_logician_husband/ % The titanic was a good cruise ship and all... But it's luxury only scratched the tip of the iceberg I don't need upvotes I need a thank you — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7yv6/the_titanic_was_a_good_cruise_ship_and_all/ % 2 smokers are out on a cruise on a boat. They realise they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter. Smoker 1: What are we gonna do? Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.” Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out into the sea. The boat is now a cigarette lighter. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7yef/2_smokers_are_out_on_a_cruise_on_a_boat/ % Don’t die, there is so much to live for... I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" He said "Why shouldn't I?". I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7xp1/dont_die_there_is_so_much_to_live_for/ % African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its construction that was in keeping with the best of tradition - everything was made of grass and leaves. One day, the chief was on his throne receiving some ambassadors when the trophy thrones above him proved to be too heavy and the straw paltform collapsed. The thrones fell on him, and sad to say, he joined his ancestors in the happy hunting grounds. Which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7wgl/african_chief_whose_obsession_was_to_conquer/ % Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around? “Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?” “No, not a soul, actually.” “Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7w36/excuse_me_sir_have_you_seen_a_police_officer/ % There’s an unusual hospital where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything to do with him. Days go by and the poor man’s health doesn’t improve. So finally, this one nurse feels sorry for him and brings him home. When she comes in the next morning, she is smiling and happy. The other nurses ask, “Why are you so happy? Weren’t you with the guy who has ‘Shorty’ tattooed on his penis?” “Yes,” she says, “but when he became aroused, it said ‘Shorty’s Restaurant and Pizzeria.’” “. . . established 1922.” “. . . orders to take out.” “. . . all baking done on premises.” “. . . ask about our party platters.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs7i67/theres_an_unusual_hospital/ % Why are there no cats on Mars? Because Curiosity killed the cat! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6xqt/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/ % How to make your wife scream Three men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes. The Indian man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with coconut oil, we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the curtains ." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6x6n/how_to_make_your_wife_scream/ % I have dedicated my entire life to knowing 96% of the alphabet I really don't know why though — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6x17/i_have_dedicated_my_entire_life_to_knowing_96_of/ % The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career. But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6sdy/the_u2_spy_plane_took_many_pictures_during_its/ % In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative. They always think out of the box. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6lpe/in_my_opinion_claustrophobics_are_the_most/ % Whats the meaning of ignorance, and apathy? I don't know, and i dont care. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs6eqx/whats_the_meaning_of_ignorance_and_apathy/ % A family were having dinner... All of a sudden, the 5yo daughter says: "grandpa is going to die" Nobody takes her seriously, and they go to bed. In the middle of the night, the hospital calls to tell the father that his own father died. Strange coincidence. The next day, the family is having dinner again, and this time, the little girl says: "Grandma is going to die" Surely enough, in the middle of the night, the phone rings to announce the passing of the mother of the father. The dad is getting nervous, and when he hears his daughter say: "My father is going to die" He shits himself and spends the night writing goodbyes to his family and friends and hugging his wife for his final moments. Then the phone rings. The dad picks it up and asks what is wrong: "Your brother died" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5w2t/a_family_were_having_dinner/ % I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5rpk/i_saw_my_ex_girlfriend_standing_across_the_museum/ % What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5q3b/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/ % A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus. After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was looking at her now. “Why would you do that!?”, the wife asked. “They announced on the news this morning the symptoms for corona virus. One of them is having no sense of taste. Just look at that guy!” Proclaimed the husband. “What are you...” the wife began to say when she noticed the guy in question was wearing crocs. She gasped and ran out of the store as fast as her legs could take her. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5kid/a_husband_and_wife_went_out_shopping_for/ % I Bought A Terrible Thesaurus It was terrible. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5kdg/i_bought_a_terrible_thesaurus/ % This quarantine thing isn’t working out. My wife and I have become so close that I almost told her about my girlfriend. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5f72/this_quarantine_thing_isnt_working_out/ % I have Backstreet Boys stuck in my head. Tell me whyeie — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs59y3/i_have_backstreet_boys_stuck_in_my_head/ % Two interesting facts about me Fact No 1 - My penis is exactly the length of 2 Ikea pencils. Fact No 2 - I am now banned from Ikea — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs5078/two_interesting_facts_about_me/ % My ex has the body of a 19 y/o. Wanna see it? :-) It's in the fridge. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4u5g/my_ex_has_the_body_of_a_19_yo_wanna_see_it/ % I used to tell dad jokes He laughed. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4sl1/i_used_to_tell_dad_jokes/ % This actually happened... My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4qs5/this_actually_happened/ % An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar . They all order a pint of liquor and the Englishman notices a vase full of gold coins in the corner of the bar, he asks what its for and the bar keeper says that they can have it if they complete 3 tasks 1. Down a bottle of vodka 2. Pull out a thorn in a lions foot 3. Bang a 100 year old lady The Englishman passes out after drinking 1/3 of the vodka. The Scotsman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and runs out missing a hand. The Irishman downs the vodka and stumbles to the room with the lion and stays for 10 minutes. The Irishman emerges from the room covered in blood and scratches and he asks "now where's that old lady with a thorn in her foot". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4qiz/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/ % Three old women sat smoking in a park As the day went on it grew darker and eventually it began to rain. The first two ladies pulled out condoms, cut the tips off and rolled them over their cigarettes and continue to smoke. The third lady was amazed at this product that allowed her friends to smoke in the rain. “What are those and where can I get some?” She inquired. “Just go to the pharmacy and ask for some condoms.” They replied. A few days later the third lady finds her way to the pharmacy. “Excuse me, can I have some condoms please?” She askes the pharmacist. “Of course,” he replies. “Do you know what size you need?” The lady thinks for a moment then replies, “big enough for a camel.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4q9h/three_old_women_sat_smoking_in_a_park/ % Wanna know the weird thing about dead babies? They’re still born — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4o1s/wanna_know_the_weird_thing_about_dead_babies/ % So the avatar was gone for 100 years and he came back That's what I call a Boomer Aang — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4nmn/so_the_avatar_was_gone_for_100_years_and_he_came/ % Godwin's law states that someone will always correct you on the internet. It also says that the people who correct you will likely be corrected. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4gcr/godwins_law/ % Seen my goat? Two guys were walking through a field when they came across a big hole in the ground. One said how deep do you think this hole is? The other guy says don’t know, let’s throw a rock down there then listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom. So they threw a rock in and never heard it hit.... we need a bigger rock to hear it so they found a big rock ..... still nothing. Looking around they found a railroad tie and said surely we will here that hit bottom so they both struggled and heaved into the hole, while waiting to hear it hit bottom this goat came running up right in between them and jumped into the hole. They were freaking out when a man walked up and asked, have you seen a goat around here? They were like yeah one just ran up and jumped down that hole. The man said no that couldn’t be mine .... I had mine tied to a railroad tie — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4dxn/seen_my_goat/ % Do you know why they wear pants in England but kilts in Scotland? It's because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.... But goats don't hear so good. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs4ap4/do_you_know_why_they_wear_pants_in_england_but/ % If being Russian means my b's are v's, Then Soviet ^(not a repost) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs41qz/if_being_russian_means_my_bs_are_vs/ % Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs40hk/never_criticize_someone_until_youve_walked_a_mile/ % Yo mamma so fat Thanos had to clap — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3ucv/yo_mamma_so_fat/ % An old proverb Benny gets engaged to a woman and her father tells him he wants to talk to him. "What do you want?" Benny asks. "Well, I wanted you to know that you can't shave until you get married or you'll be turned into a vase." Benny thinks it's a little weird, but he wants to honor what his future father-in-law believes in. As time goes on though he thinks about shaving so he'll look nice for his wedding, but he doesn't. Finally, the day of the wedding comes and he decides he HAS to shave. He does and he gets turned into a vase. Do you know the moral? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3mgy/an_old_proverb/ % It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs3avv/it_is_near_the_end_of_the_school_year/ % How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs34pb/how_do_you_weigh_a_millennial/ % This Fall, I’m finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting San Francisco and seeing The Golden Gate in person. My wife said, “What will you do when you finally see it?” Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs34fx/this_fall_im_finally_going_to_fulfill_my_lifelong/ % A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags. He asked “What are you doing?” She says “I’ve had it with this life! I’m going to Vegas and let men have their way with me for $1000 a night!” Man says “Ok! I’m coming with you!” “Why?” “I want to see how you live on $2000 a year!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2kwe/a_man_comes_home_from_work_to_find_his_wife/ % How can you tell which one is a blonde waitress? She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering where she put her pencil. Source: Heard it ages ago — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2icq/how_can_you_tell_which_one_is_a_blonde_waitress/ % NSFW What’s the difference between a blond guy and a blonde girl? The blonde girl has a higher sperm count. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs2er4/nsfw_whats_the_difference_between_a_blond_guy_and/ % Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs22ku/bill_clinton_and_the_pope_both_died_on_the_same/ % What do you call a dog that is barking at Reddit? A subwoofer. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs218t/what_do_you_call_a_dog_that_is_barking_at_reddit/ % Hey, my name is Mike. Or as the ladies call me... Hey you over there in the bushes. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1ycg/hey_my_name_is_mike_or_as_the_ladies_call_me/ % Man, social distancing sucks. WHO thought this was a good idea — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1w3p/man_social_distancing_sucks/ % When wearing a bikini, women reveal 92% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs1oql/when_wearing_a_bikini_women_reveal_92_of_their/ % It's not that I don't know how to juggle I just don't have the balls to do it — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs12zt/its_not_that_i_dont_know_how_to_juggle/ % I don’t trust streets with lots of trees on them. They seem shady. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0vmd/i_dont_trust_streets_with_lots_of_trees_on_them/ % Growing up I wanted to famous for painting prisoners... But my mother told me I couldn't; she said there's no good money in becoming a con artist. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0szd/growing_up_i_wanted_to_famous_for_painting/ % Why do orphans have iPhone Xs Because it has no home button — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0r8s/why_do_orphans_have_iphone_xs/ % I just watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero at the supermarket. I thought to myself... Hispanic buying. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0n5v/i_just_watched_a_guy_purchase_a_piñata_some/ % My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" **Wife:** whatever means necessary. **Me:** No it doesn't. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0mlp/my_wife_is_fed_up_of_my_constant_dad_jokes_so_i/ % My favorite Clean Joke A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the man replies that he is there to apply for the job. "I don't want to be insensitive", the priest exclaims, "but I don't see how you can fulfil the requirements of the job?". The man pleads with the priest to give him a chance and the priest decides to acquiesce only to convince him that it's a waste of time. When they get to the top of the tower the priest points to the large bell and says "Well there it is!", but before he can finish the sentence the man starts running straight at it and strikes it face first. The shocked priest shouts "No!! What are you doing?", but again the man runs the length of the bell tower headfirst into the bell, which is starting to sway back and forth. the priest yells "Stop, please, no more" but the guy is already running full speed at the bell and again strikes it headfirst. By now the bell is really rocking back and forth and starting to ring. The priest pleads with the man who is now bruised and bloodied, "For the Love of God, no more", but his pleas fall on deaf ears as the guy sprints across the tower at the swinging bell. Unfortunately, he mistimes it misses the bell entirely and flies off the edge of the bell tower. The priest screams and rushes down the stairs to help the guy. When he gets to the bottom he sees a crowd of people gathered around and pushes his way thru to the bruised and battered body. Someone says "Father do you know this man?", and the priest answers"No, but his face rings a bell!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0mfl/my_favorite_clean_joke/ % I wonder how this whole coronavirus thing has affected Wuhan china cymbal sales. I think the market has crashed. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0h9s/i_wonder_how_this_whole_coronavirus_thing_has/ % How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain? Soy Bean — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs0ddk/how_did_rowan_atkinson_introduce_himself_when_he/ % People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.. I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fs005o/people_always_say_dont_bring_a_knife_to_a_gun/ % I gently slid her panties to the left... So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzs38/i_gently_slid_her_panties_to_the_left/ % What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzptb/what_does_the_starship_enterprise_toilet_paper/ % How are women like swimming pools? They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzi5w/how_are_women_like_swimming_pools/ % What do women and grenades have in common? Take the ring off and the house is gone — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgqz/what_do_women_and_grenades_have_in_common/ % An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year. iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!! Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag? iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgex/an_android_phone_and_an_iphone_meet_after_a_year/ % Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves today was the tip of the iceberg — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frzgay/ran_out_of_toilet_paper_so_had_to_start_using/ % Doctor: Your dad is not with us anymore. Me: Oh No. Oh My God. Doctor: He is at a different hospital. Me: Oh, Thank God. Doctor: But he is dead though. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz8g3/doctor_your_dad_is_not_with_us_anymore/ % A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep... ...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse. -1:0 I am winning, - says the man. Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart. -1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face. Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side. -Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz60z/a_man_and_a_woman_were_in_bed_getting_ready_to/ % Does anyone know? If we can shower yet, or just keep washing our hands? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frz0ce/does_anyone_know/ % A black man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder The bartender says oh thats cool, where did you get him? Then the parrot responds and says africa. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fryu0v/a_black_man_walked_into_a_bar_with_a_parrot_on/ % Is it better to write on a full stomach or an empty one? It is better to write on paper — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frynhp/is_it_better_to_write_on_a_full_stomach_or_an/ % Yesterday I found bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil in my house Now it's just Olive Oil — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fryfh1/yesterday_i_found_bottle_of_extra_virgin_olive/ % My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand. Wife: Where do you think you're going? Me: I got a gig. Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled? Me: I got a new one. Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined? Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing my viola to get everyone to run inside and shut their windows. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxzdv/my_wife_stopped_me_on_the_way_out_the_door_with/ % Finding Jesus A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxfqr/finding_jesus/ % Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock today — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frxem5/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_road/ % My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation. That's a big stretch. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx8dp/my_yoga_teacher_said_that_downward_dog_will_take/ % Good ole little Johnny was sitting in class The teacher drew a line with three birds on it up on the blackboard. "Ok, class, there are three birds on a wire, if one of the birds falls off, how many birds are left?" As she erases one of the birds on the blackboard, little Susie in the front row raises her hand and answers, "There are two birds left." "Very good Susie, that's right, there are two birds left." Susie smiles. Little Johnny is watching this from the back of the class, clearly bothered. "No, no, no..." he says as he raises his hand. With sigh of resignation, the teacher asks, "Ok, Johnny, what is it?" Johnny begins, "Well, for starters, birds don't fall off of wires..." "Ok..." the teacher starts when Johnny forges ahead. "If it fell off, then it was probably shot, and if it was shot then the other birds would have flown away." "So the correct answer is zero birds." he finishes. The teacher replies, "Well Johnny, that makes a lot of sense, I like the way you think!" Johnny continues, "Ok, now I've got one for you: there are three women in an ice cream parlor. One is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and one has the whole cone shoved in her mouth!" With a sly look, Johnny asks, "How can you tell which one is married?" With an even louder sigh than the first, the teacher responds, "I don't know Johnny... the one with the cone shoved in her mouth?" Johnny smiles and replies, "No. The one with a ring on her finger... but I like the way *you* think!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx6l3/good_ole_little_johnny_was_sitting_in_class/ % Who is the leader of international public health? Yes. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx6iz/who_is_the_leader_of_international_public_health/ % What is another word for necrophiliacs Ghost Buster — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frx33l/what_is_another_word_for_necrophiliacs/ % What do you call a boner at a funeral? A mourning wood (I am not sorry if this has been posted before) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frwqzz/what_do_you_call_a_boner_at_a_funeral/ % My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up........... A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!’ — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frwmiw/my_neighbour_owes_me_500_and_he_wont_pay_up/ % I was trying to make up a joke social- distancing... But this was as close as I could get. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frw3d6/i_was_trying_to_make_up_a_joke_social_distancing/ % Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't know man, depends on what you ordered first. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frw0pv/which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg/ % A Russian and an American get into an Argument A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him The Russian replies with the fact that he can too, without any consequences, can walk up to the Red Square and talk shit about the american president — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvvdu/a_russian_and_an_american_get_into_an_argument/ % Two plus sized woman walk into a bar At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvqc8/two_plus_sized_woman_walk_into_a_bar/ % I was at the bank and this young woman in front of me was depositing a massive bag of dollar bills. The teller asked "Did you hoard all these dollars by yourself?" "No", she replied, "My sister whored half of them!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvoac/i_was_at_the_bank_and_this_young_woman_in_front/ % A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids room as well. Kid: It's really dark in here. Boyfriend: Yes it is. Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it. Boyfriend: what has that got to do with me? Kid: Okay, then I think I gotta go talk to my dad about some serious stuff. Boyfriend: Wait! Okay tell me how much do you want for your stuff. Kid: Just take my bat for 200$ and I will keep my mouth shut. Boyfriend hands over the money to the kid and leaves safely after the husband goes out for grocery shopping. 3 days after the incident, the kid decides to high in the wardrobe of his parent's room only to confirm whether this was a one time thing or not. He hears the boyfriend coming up with his mother again and right in front of him they start going at it. Bad luck strikes again as the husband arrives home early, the boyfriend goes and hides in the wardrobe. Kid: It's really dark in here. Boyfriend: Yes it is. Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it. Boyfriend: Alright what will I have to buy this time? Kid: The remaining equipment for just a 1000 bucks, and I swear I have nothing to sell anymore. Boyfriend flips out and speaks lightly: you crazy that's too much money for a kid and blackmailing is a really bad thing to do. Kid: So is sleeping with a married woman. well, if you don't want to go ahead me and my father got some talking to do, so excuse me. Boyfriend agrees again, pays the money and leaves safely after the husband goes to the washroom. next Sunday, the father calls his son and asks to play some ball with him, caught in a predicament the kid confesses to selling of his equipment for massive amount of money. His father says to him that he has to seek forgiveness and learn to be a disciplined and better person, so he shall take him to Church to mend his ways. The next day around 4:30 in the morning, his father takes him to the dimly lit Church and as they go near the first row of seats, Kid say: It's really dark in here. Priest : Okay, wtf you promised you had nothing to sell anymore. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvjem/a_12_year_old_boy_comes_home_early_from_the/ % A man goes to the doctor for his annual physical. The doctor tells him “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “What for?!” Exclaims the man, confused and upset with the news. The doctor, very annoyed with his patient replies “Because I’m trying to give you a physical.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frvbbz/a_man_goes_to_the_doctor_for_his_annual_physical/ % Whats the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frv0e2/whats_the_difference_between_usain_bolt_and_hitler/ % A man doesn't walk into a bar... no.... no you wouldn't get it It's an inn joke — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fruttp/a_man_doesnt_walk_into_a_bar_no_no_you_wouldnt/ % Yesterday, I met a prostitute with a 150 IQ. She was a fucking genius. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fruqae/yesterday_i_met_a_prostitute_with_a_150_iq/ % Why was Hitler grumpy at breakfast? Because he didn't like the juice. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frupha/why_was_hitler_grumpy_at_breakfast/ % A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school. His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fru4w1/a_13_year_old_boy_has_difficulty_with_mathematics/ % Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19 . She called the number and her own phone rang. Husband is now in isolation. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtqiu/wife_was_checking_her_husbands_phone_and_saw_a/ % A joke my cousin told me when we were 8 There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks: -Where do you used to work at? -Oh, I was a monster hunter. -But monsters don't exist! -You're welcome — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtp14/a_joke_my_cousin_told_me_when_we_were_8/ % A Buddhist monk leaves his monastery after 10 years His fellow monks beg him not to leave, but he firmly tells them that he is leaving to begin spreading his new form of Buddhism. After a few months, the leader of the monastery happens to bump into him, and tries to convince him to come back. The monk, again, firmly says that he has already begun spreading his new form of Buddhism. He calls it Nao Buddhism, and he already has dozens of followers. "But your old form of Buddhism is followed by far far more! What was wrong with that form?” The monk replies, "well, that was Zen, and this is Nao" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtf4s/a_buddhist_monk_leaves_his_monastery_after_10/ % Bored from the quarantine I started browsing Craigslist I found a radio on sale for 99¢, the only catch was that the volume knob was stuck on the highest level. I thought to myself “can’t turn that down!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtd3y/bored_from_the_quarantine_i_started_browsing/ % Elephant junk A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, Mom, down underneath." His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question. The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frtbob/elephant_junk/ % What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur? A pte>!REDACTED!<yl. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frt5wp/what_is_secret_agents_favorite_dinosaur/ % How do you know when your hooker is dead? When you plug it in and she doesn't charge. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsqjz/how_do_you_know_when_your_hooker_is_dead/ % A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft. ...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high alert for the criminal. The police didn't know who this criminal was, but they had a few clues: he spoke spanish, a language not well known throughout the city, and he also had a knack for disguises and false identities, which meant he could be anyone, and the police has not been stopping to figure out who he is. "But, fortunately, we managed to get his identity, and we caught the damn bastard last night!" the police interrogator exclaimed in the interrogation room, infront of the criminal. "*Un*fortunately, he's already managed to steal the money, and has hidden it somewhere safe, and I want him to tell me where that is. Except I don't speak spanish, and nor does anyone in this damn building, so that's why we need YOU, the translator," he points to the other man in the room, "to get him to tell us where he hid it. Let's start." The interrogator spoke first. "Ask him, where does he keep the money?" The translator asked the criminal, and he spoke back in unfamiliar words. "He says he will not tell," said the translator. The interrogator said, "Tell him to speak up, or we will put him to death sentence for his crimes." The translator spoke accordingly, and the criminal seemed so visibly frightened by this, that he immediately told him its location. "By the old graveyard, under the second tree from the entrance! There's the money bags!" he said in Spanish. Trying to keep a grin, the translator decievingly told the interrogator that "he would rather die, than tell you where he has hidden it." Then the interrogator knew. Suddenly, both the interrogator and the 'criminal' took a handgun out and pointed it at the translator. The interrogator said, in perfect spanish, "Skilled robber my ass, all it took was a clever lie!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsog2/a_skilled_anonymous_criminal_was_infamously/ % Little Johnny gets under the teachers skirt. So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsk0y/little_johnny_gets_under_the_teachers_skirt/ % I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident. It was a real bonding experience. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frsas1/i_first_met_my_nowwife_during_an_internship_in_a/ % What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYEEEEEE — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frs44t/what_is_whitney_houstons_favourite_type_of/ % I got fired from the calendar factory. They were really strict about employee taking a day off. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrn2c/i_got_fired_from_the_calendar_factory/ % (real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls... Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real. Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals." Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too." Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake food halfway across the toy room* Me - "Wow good throw, you threw that pretty far back in the field, nice job" Daughter - "Yeah, I still didn't throw them as far back as your hairlines" *WTF...* Someone has been coaching here on that punchline, and I think it's my wife. Hope you all have a good laugh at my expense, have a good day. P.S. It still hurts — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrmsf/reallife_joke_my_5yearold_daughter_and_i_were/ % King jong-un tested positive for virus He killed everyone else to prevent the spread He is a man of social commitment you know! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrj6m/king_jongun_tested_positive_for_virus/ % One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick. So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot. The bear angrily grabbed the little bunny, pinned him to the ground, pulled out his quite large member and started beating his back with it. The rabbit screamed, cried, squealed... And then started laughing. The bear asked "What's so funny?" and the rabbit replied "I just saw the hedgehog bringing you an apple!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frrij7/one_day_a_bear_has_announced_in_the_woods_that/ % In America, anyone can become President. That's the problem. *^lovingly ^stolen ^from ^George ^Carlin.* — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frra1j/in_america_anyone_can_become_president/ % A bear walks into a bar... A bear walks into a bar, says I'll have a gin and... ... ... ... ... tonic. Bartender says "Sure, but why the huge pause?" "These?" The bear says. "I was born with'em!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frr7ef/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/ % An computer inventor starts talking to his friend. “I’ve almost made a human-like robot!” He says. “You mean it can think?” His friend replies. “No, but when it fails, it puts the blame on the back of another computer.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frr285/an_computer_inventor_starts_talking_to_his_friend/ % This ones from my late grandma. How do you make a hormone? Forget to pay her! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqxsk/this_ones_from_my_late_grandma/ % I have this awful affliction where I can’t stop telling airport jokes I think it’s terminal — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqt21/i_have_this_awful_affliction_where_i_cant_stop/ % ‌‌I p‌‌roposed t‌‌o m‌‌y e‌‌x-wife t‌‌oday She s‌‌aid n‌‌o, s‌‌he t‌‌hinks I‌‌'m j‌‌ust a‌‌fter m‌‌y m‌‌oney. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqrf9/i_proposed_to_my_exwife_today/ % A little boy goes to his dad and asks: 'Dad, what's Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.' — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqny2/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks/ % A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen. They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night. The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.” The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.” The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there. “So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.” The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn. The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there. “So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.” The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.” The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqjmf/a_rabbi_a_hindu_priest_and_a_politician_went/ % A young woman gets her first job at the Tickle-me Elmo factory. The boss takes her up to the office that overlooks the assembly line and tells her what her job is. Then he sends her down. About an hour later the line leader comes up to the office and says, “Boss you gotta get this new girl off my line. She’s killing production.” The boss looks down out of his office and sees the girl. The line is backed up terribly. Every time a tickle-me Elmo gets to her she takes a leather pouch and places 2 marbles in it and attempts to sew it between the Elmo’s legs. The boss laughs and tells the line leader to bring the girl up. When the girl gets there she starts frantically apologizing and saying she’ll try harder. The boss stops her and says “I think you misunderstood me. I told you when an Elmo gets to you on the line to pick it up and give it 2 test tickles.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frqazl/a_young_woman_gets_her_first_job_at_the_tickleme/ % You can't breathe through your nose when you're smiling Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frq0nk/you_cant_breathe_through_your_nose_when_youre/ % A police officer stopped a car for speeding A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’ — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpue7/a_police_officer_stopped_a_car_for_speeding/ % What did the nurse say when she pulled rectal thermometer out of her pocket? “Which one of you assholes took my pen?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpqk0/what_did_the_nurse_say_when_she_pulled_rectal/ % A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpp8s/a_young_teenage_girl_was_making_a_living_as_a/ % Light travels faster than sound . That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frpnjq/light_travels_faster_than_sound/ % My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about I still wish she hadn't got one — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frp5hj/my_girlfriend_keeps_saying_that_a_small_dick_is/ % Possibly the funniest clean joke of all time. This guy owns a circus, see? And one day he's in there, checking out the big top, and this scrawny little guy walks in the door. He walks over to the boss, and he says "Are you the boss here?" Guy says "Yeah. What do you want?" He says "I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The guy says "Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is." So this little guy goes over to the center pole, and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath, and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up, and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground, flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And he says "Well, what do ya think?" The boss says "That's all you do? Bird imitations?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frovm2/possibly_the_funniest_clean_joke_of_all_time/ % Third time is the charm. A grocery store opened early for senior citizens. A long, orderly line began to form. Suddenly a young man tried to cut in line and was subsequently beaten by an old woman with a cane and chased back to his car. A few minutes later the young man tried it again only this time he was punched in the stomach by an old man and he ran away. The third time the young man walked up and yelled, "If you old people don't let me unlock the door, none of us are getting in!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frogkc/third_time_is_the_charm/ % Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? because you should ***never turn your back on family.*** — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/froaar/why_is_reverse_cowgirl_illegal_in_alabama/ % A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro9nb/a_boob_a_vagina_and_an_asshole_are_debating_as_to/ % I Just read a book on Stockholm syndrome I didn't like it at first, but towards the end I loved it — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro9m7/i_just_read_a_book_on_stockholm_syndrome/ % Why did the exotic perfume salesman continue going out during lockdown? He had no common scents — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro72w/why_did_the_exotic_perfume_salesman_continue/ % I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her… As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fro28s/i_took_my_8year_old_girl_to_the_office_with_me_on/ % Little known fact: Jesus was a street sweeper. Yeah, Jesus swept. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frnxiw/little_known_fact_jesus_was_a_street_sweeper/ % A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar. The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frnqjk/a_priest_a_rabbi_and_a_buddhist_monk_walk_into_a/ % A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frng0n/a_man_enters_a_barbershop_for_a_shave_while_the/ % Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days The lion starts hunting the two men. The men sprint as fast as they can until of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He turns to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Overjoyed to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads toward the lion. As he nears closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frn6kl/two_men_are_touring_through_a_game_park_when_they/ % What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in? Degrees. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frn17a/what_unit_does_a_graduated_cylinder_measure_in/ % You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for.... Times New Ramen! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmw51/youve_heard_of_alphabet_soup_now_get_ready_for/ % I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmryu/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/ % Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Viagra? I heard they couldn't close the casket — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmrbd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_overdosed_on_viagra/ % People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmm66/people_are_taking_stay_at_home_quite_seriously/ % I told my family a Coronavirus joke... ...my grandparents were the only ones who got it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmkfb/i_told_my_family_a_coronavirus_joke/ % There are 5 flies in a kitchen. Which one is the cowboy? It's the one on the range. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmjsd/there_are_5_flies_in_a_kitchen_which_one_is_the/ % I gave my wife a dart and a world map, told her "Throw the dart! We will vacation there once the pandemic ends!"... Turns out we are going to be spending time in the hospital. Also my cock hurts. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmjfd/i_gave_my_wife_a_dart_and_a_world_map_told_her/ % If God’s first couple were Chinese... If God’s first couple were Chinese we would still be in paradise and not committed the first sin. They would have eaten the snake and ignored the apple.... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frmidy/if_gods_first_couple_were_chinese/ % A billionaire wants to go on vacation somewhere off the beaten path. So he consults with his travel agency and eventually decides to go to the Shetland islands. He excitedly packs his bags, ready for some rich adventure. However, he soon finds himself shacked up in a log cabin with no electricity or plumbing, and its raining non-stop. After three days of eating rations and trying to keep the fire going, he finally hears a ***THUD THUD THUD*** at the door. He opens the door to find a 6'7" Shetlander standing on his porch. "Can I help you?" "Aye boyo. Yer that American in town." "Yes, I'm on vacation, and honestly you're the first living soul I've seen since I got here!" "Well boyo, we're havin a Shetland party. You comin?" "Sure! What's a Shetland party?" "All ya need ta know is there'll be a lot o' drinkin, a lot o' fightin, and a lot o' makin love." "Hey sounds great, count me in! What should I wear?" "Don't matter much boyo, its only gonna be you and me." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm7uf/a_billionaire_wants_to_go_on_vacation_somewhere/ % A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm5ox/a_girl_asks_her_boyfriend_to_come_over_friday/ % What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink? Immortali-Tea — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm5dp/what_type_of_tea_does_queen_elizabeth_love_to/ % So drunk he can't stand up An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "Why do you say that?" he asks innocently. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again." --------- **EDIT** - Read the sidebar if you don't like the joke! Glad I could make most of you have a laugh :) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm4it/so_drunk_he_cant_stand_up/ % Why will space be a popular tourist spot? The view is breathtaking and will leave you speechless Only science geeks will understand — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm2nl/why_will_space_be_a_popular_tourist_spot/ % What did O and P said to Q and R? zip your pants — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm2bk/what_did_o_and_p_said_to_q_and_r/ % I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance. It was lovely 2 metre. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frm0ap/i_saw_a_wonderful_lady_on_the_opposite_side_of/ % I was kidnapped by mimes They did unspeakable things to me — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlzff/i_was_kidnapped_by_mimes/ % Paintball is a very violent sport It involves a lot of dyeing — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frly0a/paintball_is_a_very_violent_sport/ % I made a belt out of watches once It was a waist of time — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlwry/i_made_a_belt_out_of_watches_once/ % 2 Germans in a bar in London: \- 2 Martinis, please. \- Dry? \- NEIN! ZWEI! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlt97/2_germans_in_a_bar_in_london/ % Crap A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger. Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence. "Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!" The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed. Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the couch!" Happily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly. Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE CRAPS ON YOU!!!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlm0y/crap/ % Do you know about the World Health Organization? Me : WHO? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frllq5/do_you_know_about_the_world_health_organization/ % Hello Darkness, my old friend... OWW!! Fucking coffee table! God Dammit!!! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frli86/hello_darkness_my_old_friend/ % Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road... As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them. Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and hesitantly pulls up her shirt and waves at them. The two workers are getting all excited and see if they can take it further. They start yelling across the street for her to completely strip for them. Once again, she looks around and hesitantly gets completely naked on the side of the road and blows them a kiss! At this point, the two workers are jumping up and down and giving each other high fives. All of a sudden, the female looks at them and yells, “Your Turn!” The two construction workers are getting nervous and one turns to the other and says, “Show her ur nuts, show her ur nuts!!” So the worker nods his head and starts flailing his arms and yelling “Lahanalahailaoalhiao” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlhz2/two_construction_workers_were_eating_lunch_on_a/ % What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frlhl2/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_who_lost_his_car/ % A guy is sitting in the doctor’s office, when the doctor walks in.. “I have some bad news, you’re gonna have to stop jerking off” said the doctor. “I don’t understand doc, why?” Asked the patient. “Because I’m trying to continue the prostate exam!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frle3t/a_guy_is_sitting_in_the_doctors_office_when_the/ % My dick was in the Guinness book of World Records Until the librarian saw me — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frldu1/my_dick_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/ % Apparently one of the side effects of coronavirus is no taste... Thoughts go out to all the Nickelback fans out there — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frl2t2/apparently_one_of_the_side_effects_of_coronavirus/ % I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had He started to count but he fell asleep. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frl1gg/i_asked_my_welsh_friend_how_many_sexual_partners/ % You know your dad is drunk when He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal His dance moves suddenly triple in number — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frkukv/you_know_your_dad_is_drunk_when/ % Never ask a skunk for their opinion. You might get their 2 scents. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frkaxp/never_ask_a_skunk_for_their_opinion/ % I like my women how I like my coffee with my dick in it — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frk4ok/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_coffee/ % I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump It's not Tru, deau. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frk40i/i_told_my_friend_that_the_current_prime_minister/ % I was trying to make an unemployment joke But none of them work — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjs1o/i_was_trying_to_make_an_unemployment_joke/ % Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjqxv/why_dont_orphans_play_baseball/ % What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is quite heavy The other is a little lighter — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjosf/whats_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/ % The wife's leaving me because of my sexual fetishes I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frjeyz/the_wifes_leaving_me_because_of_my_sexual_fetishes/ % What is a kidnappers favorite shoe White vans — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frj4uk/what_is_a_kidnappers_favorite_shoe/ % Lifesavers, get a hole lot more outta life A teacher gave each of her students a packet of Lifesavers candy and had them all identify the flavours by colour. Red = cherry Yellow = lemon Green = lime Orange = orange Finally, all the class were stuck on the last lifesaver flavour, the translucent Honey flavoured lifesaver. The teacher said “I’ll give you a hint about the flavour. it’s something your Mother may sometimes call your Father” After a few moments, one little girl spat her lifesaver out in disgust and yelled OH MY GOD THEY’RE ASSHOLES!! The teacher had to leave the room. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frj3rq/lifesavers_get_a_hole_lot_more_outta_life/ % Guess who just woke up to 30 missed calls from their Ex My Ex — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frivnk/guess_who_just_woke_up_to_30_missed_calls_from/ % You’re about to drive with your mother and your wife. Who sits in the back? You do. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/friign/youre_about_to_drive_with_your_mother_and_your/ % With the new coronavirus outbreak Worldwide, the only people who can get closer than 6 feet to us are the police So we have to tell them "Don't Stand So Close to Me." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri9ca/with_the_new_coronavirus_outbreak_worldwide_the/ % A new inmate meets his cellmate and is asked, "Do you want to be momma... or do you want to be daddy?" The new inmate was hesitant before nervously answering, "Daddy?" His cellmate says, "Alright, well get over here and suck momma's dick." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri67b/a_new_inmate_meets_his_cellmate_and_is_asked_do/ % What do you call a 19 year old guy that likes to date old women? Covid, cause he's 19 and takes older people to bed. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri5yn/what_do_you_call_a_19_year_old_guy_that_likes_to/ % Car accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri3yp/car_accident/ % Why can’t Chinese people play cricket? Because they would eat the bat! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fri0gg/why_cant_chinese_people_play_cricket/ % I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it. I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhtl7/i_can_cut_a_piece_of_wood_just_by_looking_at_it/ % My friend who lives in Michigan just had his toilet stolen. Can’t have shit in Detroit. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhskn/my_friend_who_lives_in_michigan_just_had_his/ % Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie? She went to see "Closed For The Winter". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhjpj/hear_about_the_blonde_who_froze_to_death_at_the/ % My girlfriend tried to cut off my penis but missed She'll be charged with a missed da Weiner — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhbq4/my_girlfriend_tried_to_cut_off_my_penis_but_missed/ % What was the rallying cry of the trio of rotting leaves? d'three of us matter! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frhait/what_was_the_rallying_cry_of_the_trio_of_rotting/ % What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off Oh no I’ve been defeeted — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh9tx/what_did_the_villain_say_when_he_got_his_legs/ % With all the bars closed, how horribly ironic is it that Joe Diffie died? We can't even prop him up beside the juke box. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh88h/with_all_the_bars_closed_how_horribly_ironic_is/ % The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19 He’s down with the sickness — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frh3j9/the_lead_singer_of_disturbed_has_decided_hes_not/ % Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home. They're in karentine. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgqu3/essential_retail_workers_still_have_to_deal_with/ % What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic? Mask-ara — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgjy9/what_kind_of_make_up_should_you_wear_during_a/ % This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia) Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would taste it and settle this once an for all so they flipped a coin and patient one (who argued it was honey) got on his knees to taste this odd thing so he stuck out his tongue and licked it and to his shock found out this was not honey and it was indeed shit he then looked up to patient one with relief and said "Good thing we didn't step on it". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgje0/this_is_a_translated_joke_form_my_country_ethiopia/ % My dad really cares about me He has been practicing social distancing for 20 years now — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgiv9/my_dad_really_cares_about_me/ % I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?” He responded, “can’t complain.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgc9j/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_whats_it_like_to/ % Mom, are we pyromaniacs? Yes we arson. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frgbj8/mom_are_we_pyromaniacs/ % What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg69k/what_did_the_australian_teacher_say_to_his/ % Did you here about the new movie coming out about the corona virus? It’s directed by Tentin Quarantino. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg4z6/did_you_here_about_the_new_movie_coming_out_about/ % Someday the world will end... Maybe not today, Maybe not tomorrow, Probably Wednesday. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frg2k6/someday_the_world_will_end/ % Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines... Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines. Trump: "Our submarines are the best! They can stay under water for 4 months without the need to refuel!" Putin: "Pah! That's nothing! Our submarines can stay under water for 1 year without the need to refuel!" Just when Merkel wants to say something, bubbles suddenly start appearing in the water and a submarine appears. The hatch opens and a man appears, saying: "Heil Hitler! Where can I get some fuel?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frfyzz/trump_putin_and_merkel_were_standing_at_the_north/ % A recently divorced man... A recently divorced man, feeling a bit down in the dumps, heads to his local bar. After about 15 minutes, a beautiful woman sits down next to him and strikes up a conversation. They’re getting along great, talking away, when the woman confides to him that her husband divorced her because he thought she was too kinky. The man brightens up and says “what a coincidence-my wife divorced ME because she thought I was too kinky”. Well, one thing leads to another and they decide to go to her place. They get there and she tells him “have a seat on the couch and I’ll slip into something more comfortable”. She goes into the bedroom and starts to change and pulls out all the stops: Bullet bra, bustier, high heels, riding crop, etc. As she comes back into the living room she sees the guy heading out the door. She says “hey-where are you going?” The guy says well…..I’ve already fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m outta here!! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frfila/a_recently_divorced_man/ % three statisticians walk into a bar and the barman asks do you all want a beer? the first says I don’t know. the second says I don’t know. the third says yes please. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frficp/three_statisticians_walk_into_a_bar_and_the/ % A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender says: “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says: “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.” Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says: “I just saw you walk in here, you can’t be blind!” So, to the bartenders dismay, he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frf444/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_says_to_the_bartender/ % A man crossing London Bridge sees a pretty woman struggling to keep her mini skirt down in the wind so he says : A bit airy isn't it? She replied: What the ell you expect feathers? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/freusl/a_man_crossing_london_bridge_sees_a_pretty_woman/ % What Do You Call A Cheap Circumcision? What do you call a cheap circumcision? ...A rip-off... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/freu2b/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumcision/ % My wife said she wanted me to have a threesome with her and another guy however she wanted me to get to know the other fellla first It was a mandate — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frehwl/my_wife_said_she_wanted_me_to_have_a_threesome/ % Chickens lay eggs, but who lays the chickens? The rooster of course! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fregd3/chickens_lay_eggs_but_who_lays_the_chickens/ % What was the name of the pirate that loved pissing on people? Aaaarghh Kelly — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fre4tq/what_was_the_name_of_the_pirate_that_loved/ % I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fre49v/i_cant_take_my_dog_to_the_pond_for_exercise/ % A classic Canadian Joke. A Mainlander is driving down the highway and runs over a rabbit. Wondering what noise was, he stops his car and gets out to look. While he's standing there a newfie pulls up and asks him what's going on. The mainlander says, "I'm just here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your animals." The newfie takes a look at the rabbit and says, "No problem, by’s. Hang'er down a few." The newfie then goes to his truck and gets an aerosol spray-can, which he proceeds to empty onto the rabbit. When he's done he chucks the empty and says, "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay" then gets in his truck and takes off. The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, and finally disappears into the woods. The Mainlander is blown away. Wondering what the newfie did, he grabs the can out of the ditch and reads the label, which says: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdqly/a_classic_canadian_joke/ % Going to the grocery store in 2020 be as risky as raw dogging in 1985 At least back then you got laid — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdn8k/going_to_the_grocery_store_in_2020_be_as_risky_as/ % A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by. Girl: Gross German guy: Thanks! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdfft/a_german_guy_was_peeing_on_a_wall_in_public_a/ % I don’t always go the extra mile... But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frdeo3/i_dont_always_go_the_extra_mile/ % A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex." The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves. Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an Y-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Yale graduate, he insists on wearing his Yale shirt when we have sex." The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves. Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an W-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Let me guess," said the doctor, "your dating a Washington graduate?" "No, she's a Michigan graduate." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd68x/a_woman_walks_into_a_doctors_office_and_takes_off/ % Area 51 Gaurds V.S. Wife You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd5jg/area_51_gaurds_vs_wife/ % What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesnt matter what you call him, he isn't coming. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd5ix/what_do_you_call_a_dog_with_no_legs/ % If a group of bunnies is called a fluffle, and a group of crows are considered a murder Then a group of humans right now can be considered illegal — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frd4xq/if_a_group_of_bunnies_is_called_a_fluffle_and_a/ % The boredom of self isolation. Day (9) Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in? If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frczcm/the_boredom_of_self_isolation_day_9/ % What do you call Dracula when he doesn't know what to say next? An Umpire — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcxxy/what_do_you_call_dracula_when_he_doesnt_know_what/ % The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick. I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcome/the_other_day_i_walked_in_on_my_grandmother/ % Two blind pilots enter a plane. They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it Stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets Smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frcgpd/two_blind_pilots_enter_a_plane/ % I told my boss I needed a raise, and that I had three companies after me. “Three companies?!” “Oh yeah.” “All right, fine, here’s your raise. By the way, which three companies?” “Gas, Water, and Electric.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frc1jf/i_told_my_boss_i_needed_a_raise_and_that_i_had/ % I lived in a flat with three girls Until they found out. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frc1fj/i_lived_in_a_flat_with_three_girls/ % My whole body is changing during lockdown The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbyam/my_whole_body_is_changing_during_lockdown/ % This cowboy walks into a German car showroom, And he says "Audi!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbx0r/this_cowboy_walks_into_a_german_car_showroom/ % How much fun can you have with communism? Ours of fun — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbv8a/how_much_fun_can_you_have_with_communism/ % Why do rich people like golf? It’s not very taxing. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbsht/why_do_rich_people_like_golf/ % What do you call a genetically engineered cow? A Mootant — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbp5l/what_do_you_call_a_genetically_engineered_cow/ % What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbkgo/whats_blue_and_smells_like_red_paint/ % Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head... Seems like a no-brainer to me — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frbjn4/everyone_is_debated_capital_punishment_nowadays/ % A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral... ...were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says “ That gentleman is courage" The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says “ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says “ That gentleman is courage" The British admiral says “ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says “You can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says “ And that gentleman is courage" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frb9ig/a_russian_an_ameican_and_a_british_admiral/ % Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer For good clean fun — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frb8tv/man_with_toilet_paper_seeks_woman_with_hand/ % I told a joke about Corona to my friends nobody laughed but they all got it — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frapq9/i_told_a_joke_about_corona_to_my_friends/ % I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before. I think it has roomba-toid arthritis. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/frady9/i_noticed_my_vacuum_is_cleaning_less_of_the_house/ % My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names? Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fra3rr/my_father_passed_this_morning_in_his_honor_i/ % What do you call a woman who is feeling snuggly after sex? a cab — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9zxw/what_do_you_call_a_woman_who_is_feeling_snuggly/ % What is the most powerful word in English? Yawn — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9y42/what_is_the_most_powerful_word_in_english/ % Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne? I haven’t seen him in a while. I miss Dwayne... down in Africa. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9e39/did_i_tell_you_about_my_friend_in_africa_named/ % Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary. And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9c3b/never_ever_ask_a_woman_her_age_a_man_his_salary/ % A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island... They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was... At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island... He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this... One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say... She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him... "Really?, youll do anything id like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok..." "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited... She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9bv5/a_shipwreck_only_scarlett_johansson_and_some/ % The pope's traffic stop The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You sit back here. Help yourself to the minibar." So the pope is doing about 85, and sure enough, the blue lights flash. The state trooper says, "Your Holiness, do you know why I pulled you over?" And the pope says, "Man, I ain't gonna try and bullshit you. I was probably doing a bit over the limit back there." So the trooper takes the pope's registration back to his cruiser and radios his sergeant. "I got a situation here," he says. "What, did you pull the mayor over again? I thought I warned you about that," the sergeant says. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that." "Well, what, did you pull the governor over?" says the sergeant. "No," says the trooper. "It's worse than that. "Holy moley, did you pull the President over?" says the sergeant. "No ... worse than that." "What could possibly be worse than pulling over the President?" the sergeant demands. And the trooper says, "Well, I don't know. But he's got the pope for his driver." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr9ajg/the_popes_traffic_stop/ % Jungle Drums An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop." As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!" Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr933d/jungle_drums/ % The year is 2050 , health technologies have developed faster than ever, brain transplant is now possible and almost every hospital can conduct such surgery. A man consults his physician to change into a better brain. The physician lists the brains the hospital offers and their corresponding price: "Here is the brain of a person with a bachelor's degree in chemistry; the price is $25,000." "Here is the brain of a person with a master's degree in biomedical science; the price is $50,000." "Here is the brain of a feminist; the price is $1,000,000." The man is surprised by how much the brain of a feminist costs, so he asks, "Why does the feminist's brain cost so much, is it because a feminist is a lot smarter than a person with a master's degree in biomedical science?" The physician answers, "Hell no! Do you know how many feminists do we have to kill to put together a complete brain?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr8ty1/the_year_is_2050/ % Feeling a little quirky When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber?" I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr8pqa/feeling_a_little_quirky/ % Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness? **Me:** I use bad words **Interviewer: *[laughing]*:** that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here **Me:** well that’s extrusively harbilary to hear — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr88a6/interviewer_whats_your_greatest_weakness/ % Bosnian X-Files In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been. Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths. Time passed on and people continued to die. Every Friday at 11 PM, exactly the same time, always in the same bed... Some doctors started believing something supernatural had been happening. They decided to form an expert group to determine what on earth was going on. So on the next Friday, few minutes before 11 PM, many specialists and medical experts gathered around "the haunted bed". They even called alternative medicine practitioners. *"Who knows, maybe they can help solve the mystery."* Some of them had crucifixes and Bibles, holy water, some of them brought Kurans, one even brought a garlic. They, of course, had medical textbooks as well. When clock marked 11th hour, Rasema entered the room. She was the new cleaning lady. She was surprised to see all the people but she went on with her job. She wanted to show how hard working she was! She unplugged one of the life supporting machines to plug in the vacuum cleaner. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr87zp/bosnian_xfiles/ % I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle I bought a bottle of Vodka and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave I thought it might fall off the bicycle and the bottle might break. To avoid that, I drank all of the vodka before I left the store. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr85fu/i_rode_to_the_liquor_store_yesterday_on_my_bicycle/ % [NSFW] Support Group A guy went to his Premature Ejaculation Support Group meeting this morning. Found out it’s tomorrow. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr859g/nsfw_support_group/ % What is a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram Your welcome — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr835f/what_is_a_thousand_times_better_than_instagram/ % What’s the difference between Bird flu and swine flu? – For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7xgm/whats_the_difference_between_bird_flu_and_swine/ % Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him? Doctor: They Are For You.!! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7tx7/doctor_madam_your_husband_needs_rest_and_peace_so/ % I got in touch with my inner self today That's the last time I'll buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7ork/i_got_in_touch_with_my_inner_self_today/ % My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7ejv/my_girlfriend_once_gave_up_sex_for_lent/ % Why do cows wear bells? Cause their horns don’t work. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr7a3o/why_do_cows_wear_bells/ % I started having an affair with a married woman. As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working. Unfortunately, the husband came home early and caught the two of us in bed. The woman was absolutely terrified, and the husband was livid and looked ready to cause harm to the woman. “What the hell are you doing here!?” he demanded to know. “Please, the fault is all mine,” I explain, “I was the one that answered her ad in the newspaper.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr73tw/i_started_having_an_affair_with_a_married_woman/ % A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr6vlp/a_newly_deceased_englishman_stands_at_the_pearly/ % Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion, so the kings decided to go to war. The first kingdom is very wealthy, and has a grand army of thousands of Knights in shining armour with state of the art squires and weaponry, expertly trained killing machines. The second kingdom is moderately well off, and has several hundred Knights in standard armour with enough squires to get by, but all willing in heart and mind. The third kingdom is very poor, and has only one elderly Knight with his great grandson for a squire, in rusty centuries old armour. On the eve before the battle, each kingdom decides to have a celebration for the great deeds that are about to be done. The first kingdom has a great banquet that no words can give justice to, a massive, endless hall of food and delight, dancers and jesters and bards as plentiful as the fine wine and boar that accompanies them. The second kingdom has not nearly as grand an occasion, but makes the most of what they have, making up for the lack of fine food and entertainment with enough ale to knock out an elephant. The third kingdom has but scraps to make do with. In fact, so little food do they have that there is only enough for the Knight and boy squire alone to have a feast (a feast by their standards, at least). The elderly Knight is too weak and tired to get up, so the squire prepares the meal. He decides to cook a stew, so hangs a pot over a fire with a noose and cooks what they have into a small broth. Finally, the great day dawns. The kings did not sleep through the night, and sent their generals to ready their armies. The world sat on tenterhooks. However, fate had taken a strange turn. The armies from the first and second kingdoms had drunk so much in their revels that not one remained conscious, much to the fury of their leaders. And in the third kingdom, the elderly Knight's back had perished due to old age. The kings were left speechless. There was only one option. The squires must go to war. So on the battlefield, a hundred thousand squires in tunics too big for them and wooden swords trampled the ground beneath them as they came to the edge. One gigantic behemoth of an army met the other small but willing force at the peak of the lake. And the squire of the third kingdom faced them all. The battle began. Heads were clubbed in, backs broken, knees twisted, hair pulled, and slowly the numbers remaining dwindled. As the hours swept by and the body piles grew high, the kings and their people watched in the greatest suspense the lake ever knew. And as the sun set, and the dust cleared, finally, a single figure stood atop the mountain of bodies beneath him, victorious. The squire of the third kingdom had won. This goes to show that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is greater than the sum of the squires of the other two sides of the triangle. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr6klk/three_kingdoms_border_a_lake_in_the_shape_of_an/ % The Clever Old Man One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn't been there for a while,and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some food. As he neared the pond,he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him"we are not coming out untill you leave!" The old man frowned,"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."Holding up the bucket he said," I'm here to feed the alligator." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr688o/the_clever_old_man/ % They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do? Whine. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5va2/they_name_a_virus_after_a_beer_and_what_do_we_do/ % What's the difference between a well-dressed person on a unicycle or a poorly-dressed person on a bicycle? Attire — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5uop/whats_the_difference_between_a_welldressed_person/ % Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? ...it was Luke warm. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5p3g/why_was_han_solo_so_suspicious_when_he_put_his/ % What’s the difference between a Taliban camp and a Pakistani school? I don’t actually know I just fly the drone. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5m7e/whats_the_difference_between_a_taliban_camp_and_a/ % I like my women like I like my pandemics. [nsfw] 19 and spread wide. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5j0z/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_pandemics_nsfw/ % RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr5fws/retired_husband_after_i_retired_my_wife_insisted/ % First day on the job. Fresh out of journalism school, the rookie journalist bounds up to the editor hungry for a story to go after. The editor says I'll give you an easy one for your first day. Go out into the community and bring me back a feel good human interest story. We need a bit of cheering up! The reporter head out into the community and comes across a farmer at the the side of the road mending a fence. Hello good sir! I'm a reporter looking for a story. I was wondering if you could tell me a story that made you happy? Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost a sheep. We got a posse, went out, found it, fucked it and brought it back. What! I can't print that! Your talking bestiality here! The reporter exclaimed! Do you have any other stories? Well young man, one time, the farmer down the road lost his wife. We got a posse, went out, found her fu...WAY! WAH! HOLD ON WHAAAT?!! Hold on there if that's going where I think, I definitely can't print that says the reporter. Exasperated the reporter finally asks, do you have any sad stories by any chance? The old man stares thoughtfully for a bit and then replies; One time, I got lost.... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr587y/first_day_on_the_job/ % My gf was mad at me the other day for having no sense of direction So i packed my stuff and right — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr53wo/my_gf_was_mad_at_me_the_other_day_for_having_no/ % What do you call a frenchmen wearing sandals? Phillipe pheloppe — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr537h/what_do_you_call_a_frenchmen_wearing_sandals/ % Donald Trump is having a meeting with his health advisors about the COVID-19 outbreak... The lead advisor tells him "Mr president, more international people are testing positive in the United States every day. Today alone, 50 Brazilian people have confirmed cases." "Oh my god, that's awful!", Trump replies, ".....how many is a brazillion?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr50w6/donald_trump_is_having_a_meeting_with_his_health/ % What do you call a girl wearing camouflage? Heidi. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4q9m/what_do_you_call_a_girl_wearing_camouflage/ % My first sexual experience was scary... I was all alone! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4q10/my_first_sexual_experience_was_scary/ % Just saw a sheep fight a cow Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4f7j/just_saw_a_sheep_fight_a_cow/ % Why did star wars 4-6 come before 1-3 Because in charge of planning, Yoda was — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr4e54/why_did_star_wars_46_come_before_13/ % Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed ten Communists... ...and then the grenade went off. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr49n0/chuck_norris_once_threw_a_grenade_and_killed_ten/ % I just did something that took a lot of balls. I used them as a Newton's cradle. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr47j7/i_just_did_something_that_took_a_lot_of_balls/ % I walked into a pet store and asked for six bees The cashier counted out seven and handed them to me. I asked 'why the extra bee?' She said it was free-bee. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr41sb/i_walked_into_a_pet_store_and_asked_for_six_bees/ % Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said: "You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3wr5/most_people_have_homochromia_where_their_eyes_are/ % I just asked my wife to put a nurses outfit on She said why? Are you feeling horny? I said no, we need bread and milk — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3p1w/i_just_asked_my_wife_to_put_a_nurses_outfit_on/ % Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr3cwr/did_you_hear_about_the_two_guys_who_stole_a/ % So, three men, Jack, Bill, and Josh, go on a trip to a jungle... They came across a tribe, and got trapped and taken in by them. The tribesmen bring the three of them to their leader. Their leader tells them, "I want each of you to find me ten fruits-- any fruit, as long as it's the same kind. If you can do that, I will set you free. Do you accept?" Of course, they all do. They set off. Jack was the first to come back. He had oranges. He showed it to the leader, and the leader nodded. "Now," the leader said, "I want you to put all of those up your ass-- and if you make a face, any face, we will behead you. If you can do so without making a face, we will let you go." Jack did so. The first one was okay, he didn't make any face, but when he got to the second one, he winced, and the tribesmen beheaded him. Jack watched Bill enter the room with the leader from the afterlife. Bill walked in with berries, and the leader told him the same thing. He did so, making it to nine, when suddenly, he burst out laughing. And of course, the tribesmen beheaded him. In the afterlife, Jack shouted to Bill, who was still laughing, "what the hell, dude? You could've made it! Why'd you start laughing." And in tears, Bill replied, "I saw Josh walk in with pineapples." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr39ac/so_three_men_jack_bill_and_josh_go_on_a_trip_to_a/ % So I started dating my high school girlfriend again. It just felt right now that I've come out as gay, and she has transitioned into a guy. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2or8/so_i_started_dating_my_high_school_girlfriend/ % It's hard to establish when this novel Coronavirus will be over. We'd have preferred a short story. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2me3/its_hard_to_establish_when_this_novel_coronavirus/ % Excerpts from the diary of pets **Excerpts from the diary of a dog:** 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! **Excerpts from the diary of a cat:** Day 983 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2lv0/excerpts_from_the_diary_of_pets/ % The Japanese invented a thief catching robot. After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours. The news Broke out. Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours. The Americans, also impressed ordered the robot. Under 3 hours after its deployment in NYC the robot caught nearly 100 thieves. The Indians, already facing massive complaints of thievery and muggings, decided to give it a try. After deploying the robot in Mumbai under 30 minutes the robot got stolen. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2hpr/the_japanese_invented_a_thief_catching_robot/ % Three men arive at the gates of heaven There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story. The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from work today and found my wife naked in bed she told me that she was waiting for me to come home but i didnt belive her i checked all the regular spots the closet behind the door but i couldnt find him. so i went out on the balcony to get some fresh air because this had been a stressfull day but as soon as i open the door i saw that motherfucker habging on the outside of the fence so obviusly i started hitting his hands but he wouldnt let go so i went innside and got a hammer i continued to hit him with that and eventualy he let go but he landed in a bush and survived so i went back inn draged the fridge out on the balcony and tiped it over the edge after that i died of a heart attack because of all the stress. The gatekeeper agrees that this was a pretty horibke way to die and lets the first man in to heaven then he asks the second man how he died. The second man answers: So every day i do some workout on my balcony but today i fell over the edge and started falling but i was fortunate enough to grab onto the balcony below mine so naturaly i started climbing up to try not to fall the remaining 17 floors but before i even start to climb a man comes out on the balcony and sees me hanging there he gets realy angry and starts hiting my hands but i managed to hold on then the madman walks inside and gets a hammer when he started hiting my fingers with that i couldnt hold on anymore so i fell but landed in a bush and survived but the the lunetic went inside and got his fridge witch he dropt on me and i died The gatekeeper agreed that this was a terrible way to die so he let him in to heaven. He askes the third guy how he died and the third guy answers so imagine this: your totaly naked inside a fridge — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2hli/three_men_arive_at_the_gates_of_heaven/ % “Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.” “Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2gl8/mom_dont_get_alarmed_but_im_at_the_hospital/ % You shouldn't drink water while studying. It decreases concentration. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2gc8/you_shouldnt_drink_water_while_studying/ % What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you start opening windows. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr2f08/what_does_an_air_conditioner_have_in_common_with/ % One guy, "Have you been on a trip recently?" Another guy, "Yes, three in fact. Last month I fell over a sidewalk while really high in Barcelona." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr295o/one_guy_have_you_been_on_a_trip_recently/ % Why does Santa not have kids Because he only comes once a year — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr28qx/why_does_santa_not_have_kids/ % Why can’t people in Antarctica get the corona virus? Because they’re ice-olated. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1xej/why_cant_people_in_antarctica_get_the_corona_virus/ % I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards. I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1thj/im_stuck_in_quarantine_all_alone_with_a_deck_of/ % Does anyone know any good tree puns? I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1fdv/does_anyone_know_any_good_tree_puns/ % have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom" By Willie Maykit Co-authored by Betty Wont Illustrated by Andy Didnt — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr1266/have_you_read_the_book_a_long_way_from_the/ % What do you call a group of dogs having sex? A Corgy! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0hvv/what_do_you_call_a_group_of_dogs_having_sex/ % How do you make a couple of pounds of fat look better? Add nipples on them — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0fry/how_do_you_make_a_couple_of_pounds_of_fat_look/ % What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I’m not sure to be honest, but the flag is a big plus! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0etp/whats_the_best_thing_about_switzerland/ % My dad must be taking this social distancing thing really seriously I haven't seen him in 20 years — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0crq/my_dad_must_be_taking_this_social_distancing/ % It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp: I call it a marsh mellow. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0am1/its_sweet_getting_stoned_in_a_swamp/ % What time is it when you see sixteen dogs running down the street? Fifteen after one. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr0ai2/what_time_is_it_when_you_see_sixteen_dogs_running/ % The Corona Virus is like my virginity My uncle has it. (I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr06dm/the_corona_virus_is_like_my_virginity/ % Why do 80% of Chinese people get cataracts? Because the other 20% drive Rincoln’s — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fr05pe/why_do_80_of_chinese_people_get_cataracts/ % People are selling off their automobiles in droves... They don’t want to catch that car owner virus. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzv8n/people_are_selling_off_their_automobiles_in_droves/ % What do you call a musician who carries grain for living? Hall n' oates. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzs8q/what_do_you_call_a_musician_who_carries_grain_for/ % City slicker buys an old farm There was a gentlemen from the city who decided he wanted to live a simpler life. He buys an old empty farm. Going to the local general store by his new homestead, he asks where he can get some animals. The owner tells him to go to Old Man Murphy’s farm down the road a ways and he will get him all set up with a few animals. Excited the man heads over to the farm. Upon meeting, Old Man Murphy says to the gentleman I can definitely tell you’re a city slicker- Don’t worry, in time you’ll settle in and be just like one of us. The gentleman than asks well, how about that little hen over there. Maybe I can purchase it from you. Surely that would be a great animal to start with. Old Man Murphy says sure, I’ll sell you that one. But, just so you know young hens are actually called pullets. The gentleman sees a donkey off to the side and says well, that looks like a great animal to have at my new farm they are actually called an ass, right? How about I buy him from you. Old Man Murphy says now you’re starting to sound like a farmer. Yes, I’ll sell him to you but, he’s kind of stubborn. Sometimes he just lays down and won’t move. If you scratch on his back a bit he will get right back up and moving. Lastly, the gentleman says well no farm would be complete without a rooster. How about that one right there. Old Man Murphy says sure but, just so you know a rooster is actually called a cock. The gentlemen says oh yeah that makes sense. He thanks Old Man Murphy and starts the walk back to his own farm holding the birds and leading the donkey. About halfway back to his farm the donkey lays down in the middle of the road when suddenly a shiny red sports car pulls up with a beautiful woman driving. A little aggravated that she can’t pass by because of the animal blocking her way. She scoffs at the gentleman. He looks at her and said I’ll get him out of the way in just minute ma’am but, I need a favor to make that happen. She hesitantly says ok. The gentleman says.... will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzqvl/city_slicker_buys_an_old_farm/ % What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzonb/what_is_the_worst_combination_of_illnesses/ % My wife left me because I am insecure... No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzo60/my_wife_left_me_because_i_am_insecure/ % My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on... I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqznfz/my_sister_asked_for_me_to_bring_her_something/ % I tell my wife, "I love you," but she keeps talking about this other man. I don't know who this "Hugh Moore" is, but she always says she loves him instead. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzj79/i_tell_my_wife_i_love_you_but_she_keeps_talking/ % A kid talking to his dad. Son: Hey dad, I had my first blow job last weekend. Dad: That’s my boy, how was it? Son: it was pretty good but I do have a question. Dad: What’s that? Son: How do you get the taste out of your mouth? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzgn9/a_kid_talking_to_his_dad/ % Helen Keller walked into a bar... And a wall, and a chair, and a table. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzcik/helen_keller_walked_into_a_bar/ % Breaker, Breaker There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles. It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, and per usual Spencer and Sprinkles were in her way. After countless times of foot prints on her perfectly clean floors, Shirley broke down and sent Spencer and Sprinkles outside to occupy themselves. It was about forty-five minuets later, and Shirley was dusting the blinds. As she's dusting she's sees Spencer and Sprinkles sitting on the curb in front of the house. She thought 'How cute'. As she watched, she saw Spencer throw some M&M's in the air catch them in his mouth, pick up Sprinkles lift Sprinkles tail up, and lick, He then proceeded to scoot one foot down the curb. Shirley couldn't believe what she saw.. She proceeded to watch him do it again; throw the M&M's up, catch them in his mouth, pick the cat up, lift its tail, lick, and scoot down the curb a foot. Shirley being very appalled ran outside. She asked Spencer with a tone only a confused mother could have " What in the holy hell are you doing?!?!" Spencer replied "Well, Mama Im playing trucker. Poppin Pills, licking pussy, and moving down the road". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzcfs/breaker_breaker/ % Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time. Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha. I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle." Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted" Ethel replied with a very whiny voice, "Uh, that's so unfair. I've never been married and you have husbands to burn!". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqzc0v/ethel_was_visiting_her_friend_martha_at_her_home/ % [NSFW] Squeeze and Tug A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqz6ax/nsfw_squeeze_and_tug/ % What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again. A drug dealer can’t. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqz03q/whats_the_difference_between_a_prostitute_and_a/ % Weight loss There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter. A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyya2/weight_loss/ % You either die a T. Rex Or live long enough to become a chicken — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqypz3/you_either_die_a_t_rex/ % When my mom say her girlfriend she's talking about her best friend. When my dad says his girlfriend everyone at the dinner table gets quite and my mom runs off crying. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyjsk/when_my_mom_say_her_girlfriend_shes_talking_about/ % I was digging in my garden and i found buried treasure. I thought to go tell my wife but then I remembered why I was digging. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyied/i_was_digging_in_my_garden_and_i_found_buried/ % After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th. A big 10-4, if you will. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyfo3/after_the_covid19_pandemic_winds_down_we_should/ % Why can't pilots dress well? Their clothes are too plane — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqye10/why_cant_pilots_dress_well/ % There are two types of people in the world. 1. those who can extrapolate from insufficient information. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqydrj/there_are_two_types_of_people_in_the_world/ % A man with no arms and legs was sun bathing on the beach. A beautiful blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing...Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqydm4/a_man_with_no_arms_and_legs_was_sun_bathing_on/ % Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness Now it's a double aunt tundra — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqyast/two_of_my_moms_sisters_moved_to_the_alaskan/ % I have a date with a girl who loves Nirvana. She asked me what to wear on our date next week. I told her, "Come as you are." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqy6ed/i_have_a_date_with_a_girl_who_loves_nirvana_she/ % Corona virus It's like pasta. Made by the Chinese. Spread by the Italians. Made unreasonably large by the Americans. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqy1pt/corona_virus/ % What is a language that has never been spoken? Sign Language — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxyti/what_is_a_language_that_has_never_been_spoken/ % So there's a new strain of Coronavirus that effects Hipsters... You probably haven't heard of it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxqhh/so_theres_a_new_strain_of_coronavirus_that/ % The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right. The statistician shouts, "We got him!" Netflix shouts to the statistician, "Your documentary is coming!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxil6/the_biologist_shoots_at_a_deer_and_misses_five/ % So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxi1u/so_theres_this_farm_on_this_farm_theres_a_cow_a/ % Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep. Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful. He wakes Watson up. "Watson... as you look up into the night sky, what do you deduce?" Watson rubs his bleary eyes, unsure what to make of Sherlocks sudden midnight curiosity. He rolls over and stares up into the sky, which was lit up with a million stars like diamonds on black velvet. Watson responds. "Well Holmes, as I stare into the cosmos, I can see that we are on a spinning ball in an infathomable expanse of nothing. The vast emptiness of space and scale of the universe leaves me feeling incredibly tiny, and therefore I deduce that our lives are small and insignificant in the greater scheme of things." Holmes ponders this deep and insightful response for a moment. Rarely is Watson so articulate with his feelings. He turns to Watson, and with a sigh, he says. "Watson you blithering idiot.... Somebody has stolen our tent" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqxd5b/sherlock_holmes_and_watson_go_camping/ % Why can’t dislexic people tell jokes? Cause they punch up the fuckline — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqx14r/why_cant_dislexic_people_tell_jokes/ % What do sprinters eat before a race Nothing they fast — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwxii/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/ % A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job." The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwvkt/a_british_doctor_says_in_britain_medicine_is_so/ % What do strippers call girls that they work with ? A co-twerker.. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwqhs/what_do_strippers_call_girls_that_they_work_with/ % With the coronavirus, Scorpion is now saying... "Stay over there!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqwnui/with_the_coronavirus_scorpion_is_now_saying/ % My wife just got me a card that said “Get Better Soon” I’m not sick at all. She just thinks I need to get better. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqw768/my_wife_just_got_me_a_card_that_said_get_better/ % I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqw3lj/i_wonder_what_my_parents_did_to_fight_boredom/ % A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqvswb/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/ % Someone toilet papered my house last night Now it’s worth $875,000 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqvhhz/someone_toilet_papered_my_house_last_night/ % Two blondes are in a dog park One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!" The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv9uw/two_blondes_are_in_a_dog_park/ % Revenge of the blonde A blonde got fed up with blonde jokes One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv5br/revenge_of_the_blonde/ % What's green on top, mostly orange, and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqv4fp/whats_green_on_top_mostly_orange_and_sounds_like/ % A proud father After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fquyy5/a_proud_father/ % Two best friends make a deal. The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died. When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is heard. "Bro, do you hear me?" "Yes, I hear you." answer the man. "Are you in the afterlife? How is it like?" "It's not bad. We start the day with light breakfast - vegetables. Then I have sex several hours straight. After this it comes a little lunch - veggies again, and then sex until the nightfall." "And this is Heaven, or Hell?" "Bro, I'm a rabbit!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqunhq/two_best_friends_make_a_deal/ % The boss caught an employee drinking at work. He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!". The employee replied: -"But I'm not working". They both laughed a lot, and he got fired. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqufj0/the_boss_caught_an_employee_drinking_at_work/ % Being Muslim is tough Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqubje/being_muslim_is_tough/ % Donald Trump is having afternoon tea with the Queen of England. “Queenie” he says “from now on, I want to be called Emperor Donald J Trump.” “Well, you can’t be an emperor Donald, I’m sorry” replies the Queen “Well, there was this French guy - Napoleon - great guy, I think my Uncle knew him, very smart, and he was an emperor” replies the Don The Queen has a sip of tea to suppress a giggle, before saying “Well that’s because he ruled an Empire” “Ok, so he was an Emperor because he had an Empire?” Don asks slowly “Yes” “Ok, well I don’t have an empire yet...” replies Donald “so how about I am called a King?” “Well Donald, you don’t have a Kingdom, so I can’t call you a King..” At this point the Don is getting frustrated. “Queenie, this is ridiculous, if I don’t have an empire, and can’t be an emperor, and I don’t have a kingdom, and can’t be called a king, then what can I be called?” The Queen pauses for a moment, take a look at Philip and then replies “Well, Donald, you are in charge of a country...” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtp0y/donald_trump_is_having_afternoon_tea_with_the/ % Why does the mineature jalepeño need to wear a sweater? Because it's a little chilly. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtnmq/why_does_the_mineature_jalepeño_need_to_wear_a/ % Why don’t the Chinese play cricket? >!Because they would eat the bat!< — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqtb1w/why_dont_the_chinese_play_cricket/ % My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy I just don't see it myself — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqt3g8/my_wife_claims_a_man_in_camouflage_is_sexy/ % Has anyone watched “The Platform” on netflix....? I couldn’t finish it to be honest, it was disturbing on so many levels. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqst8e/has_anyone_watched_the_platform_on_netflix/ % Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night? Because she's an on-call-ogist — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqspyd/why_does_my_cancer_doctor_let_me_phone_her_any/ % My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqsavs/my_son_luke_loves_that_we_named_our_children/ % Why can’t a blind Mexican say yes? Because he can’t sí. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqsaig/why_cant_a_blind_mexican_say_yes/ % So I walked past a wired fence today Somebody from behind shouted: "Be careful, it might be electrified! If you touch it, you will get the shock of a lifetime!" I looked the person dead in the eye and without hesitation, I grabbed the fence to prove them wrong My mother, who was walking next me then told me I was adopted — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqs68n/so_i_walked_past_a_wired_fence_today/ % What's the least spoken language? Sign language. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqs5qm/whats_the_least_spoken_language/ % Wife and husband talk about life if she died A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving," he says, "I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I guess so." "If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand-new. It's going to last a long time. I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxeh/wife_and_husband_talk_about_life_if_she_died/ % I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxb2/i_used_to_be_addicted_to_soap/ % Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night. "Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrxaj/batman_walks_into_a_room_which_alfred_is_ìn_late/ % At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. "Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrp8s/at_the_movie_theater_a_man_noticed_a_young_woman/ % US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised. The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrim9/us_president_donald_trump_tested_and_was_not/ % A man contracted a rare STD... He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined. He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there." After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have it removed." "What? I can't just let it be chopped off like that!" Unsatisfied with the doctor's response, the man left the hospital. Later that week, the man decided to go to a traditional doctor who specialized in natural and herbal remedies. Hopefully they had some better solutions. The man took off his pants once again. The traditional doctor smiled and said, "Don't worry, you don't need to have it cut off. Hospitals just want to perform surgery every chance they get. Let me give you a prescription for some herbal medicine." The man let out a big sign of relief. The doctor continued, "Apply these herbs to your nether regions 3 times a day for a week. It should fall off on its own." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqricv/a_man_contracted_a_rare_std/ % A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food... One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said: "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed: "That smells like shit." The lady replied: "It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqrhz5/a_little_old_lady_went_to_buy_cat_food_she_picked/ % I got COVID-19 and it took 10 days for my immune system to finally fight it off. Longest anything made in China's lasted for me. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr85f/i_got_covid19_and_it_took_10_days_for_my_immune/ % I would tell you a Coronavirus joke But it would take 2 weeks to find out if you get it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr2pb/i_would_tell_you_a_coronavirus_joke/ % Did you hear Lightning McQueen died? He had a Cadillac arrest. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqr29z/did_you_hear_lightning_mcqueen_died/ % My sister had really loud shoes that sounded like a horse, so some family members started calling her that. I could see this was upsetting her. "Guys, we have have to settle this," I said. "If you think Jessica's a normal girl, say 'Aye,' but if you don't, say 'Neigh.'" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqzus/my_sister_had_really_loud_shoes_that_sounded_like/ % I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis was completely out of the purple. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqrx1/i_just_found_out_im_colorblind/ % Two lesbian vampires have sex. After the deed, one was leaving and said 'see you next month'. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqgq3/two_lesbian_vampires_have_sex/ % plot twist a little girl was praying when her dad walked in. she said “good night grandma good night mom good night dad good bye grandpa”. the next day the grandpa drops dead. the dad decides to ignore what she says last night and continues on with his day. that night the dad walks in his daughters room praying again. she says “good night mom, good night dad, goodbye grandma”. the next day the grandma drops dead. the dad starts to get a little freaked and at night he hears his daughter praying again. she says “good night mom, good bye dad”. the dad I completely freaked out so when he goes to work that day he stays in his office. he is afraid of going home so he stays until closing. he comes home and his wife opens the door. she says “where have you been?” he says “I’ve had a rough day.” the wife says, “you’ve had a rough day? first of all in the morning the mailman drops dead in front of me.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqd68/plot_twist/ % Fun-eral There were three men at a buddy's funeral. They were discussing what they wanted people to say when they died. The first man said, "I want people to say he was a very generous man. What about you". The second man said, "I want people to say he was a kind and loving soul". Then, the third man said, "I want people to say 'Hey look, he's moving!'". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqqakg/funeral/ % Girl asked if I was big down there. I said that it’s not big or small, it’s a medium… It can talk to ghosts. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq8ou/girl_asked_if_i_was_big_down_there_i_said_that/ % Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine: In one month divorce rates will spike. In 9 months birth rates will spike. In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq6ik/predictions_of_the_relationship_fallout_of/ % My girlfriend is like the coronavirus I don't have the coronavirus — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqq4hk/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_coronavirus/ % My girlfriend was just like a spicy burrito. It hurt when she left me — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqpftc/my_girlfriend_was_just_like_a_spicy_burrito/ % The story of an a blind alcaholic A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a stool... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqoyuy/the_story_of_an_a_blind_alcaholic/ % Why did Jesus moan? Because he was nailed. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqoyko/why_did_jesus_moan/ % Since we have to stay home, I’m setting up my pavilion and projector outside tonight. Watching Pulp Fiction, followed by the Kill Bill movies. It’s a Tent & Quarantino marathon. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqotiy/since_we_have_to_stay_home_im_setting_up_my/ % Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife is dead. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqopsq/why_does_dr_pepper_come_in_a_can/ % Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish... The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?" Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!" POOF She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy. The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?" Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!" POOF Away she went! The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?" With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?" The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!" And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands. Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqopks/three_nuns_passed_away_and_went_up_to_heaven_they/ % I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple, but it was just a pigment of my imagination. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqomah/im_color_blind_and_the_other_day_i_thought_i/ % I got kicked out of math class. Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqodze/i_got_kicked_out_of_math_class/ % My son got suspended for defending himself against a bully So I went to the school to see why that happened... “It’s against our policy to hit other students.” Says the principal. “So you’re telling me that anyone in your school who feels threaten in a situation shouldn’t even fight back?” I say “Yes” So I did what any rational adult would do and smacked her. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqo8qq/my_son_got_suspended_for_defending_himself/ % What did communists use before candles? Electricity — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqo2fc/what_did_communists_use_before_candles/ % A kindergarten teacher was playing a game with her class The game involved little hard candies, handing one of each flavor to every student. She told her students to eat the red ones first, then guess what it tastes like. They all ate the red one and after a few minutes they guessed it tasted like Strawberries, they were correct. Next the teacher had them eat the orange one with the hint "the answer is in the name." They ate and guessed it tasted like orange. The green one was tricky, but they were able to guess it was lime. Then the teacher had them eat the clear white ones, these were honey flavored, but the children couldn't tell what it was. "I'll give you another hint." She told the class. "Sometimes your parents call each other this." Not a moment later, little Sally had a look of shock and spit hers out in fear. "Why did you spit yours out Sally?" The teacher asked. Sally on the verge of tears said loudly to the class. "Because they're assholes!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnudw/a_kindergarten_teacher_was_playing_a_game_with/ % People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnti1/people_always_ask_where_i_got_my_incredibly/ % I just watched Hugh Jackman... Hugh need to turn your webcam off, man. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnt00/i_just_watched_hugh_jackman/ % I don't vaccinate my kids and they live to more than 80... That's a lot of days. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnlxc/i_dont_vaccinate_my_kids_and_they_live_to_more/ % The Three Rabbit Brothers Once upon a time there were three rabbit brothers named Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot. One day Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot took Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot is going to make it." That night Foot died. After the funeral the next day Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot Foot took Foot Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I don't think that Foot Foot is going to make it." Foot Foot Foot said "I hope he does, because I already got one Foot in the grave." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnivf/the_three_rabbit_brothers/ % Open your mouth and say Ah A beautiful young lady and her old mother went to the doctor. As they came in to the doctor’s office, he looked at the young lady and said: “Please get undressed and lay down on the bench over there, and we will soon know what is wrong with you” Her mother said: “No sir, it’s not her, it’s me who is ill. She just took me here.” The doctor looked over to the old lady and replied: “All right then, please open your mouth and say Ah” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnffn/open_your_mouth_and_say_ah/ % I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop "Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqnb6a/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/ % A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate... "It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!" But then, many people suddenly start yelling at the animals: "You need to be dealing with the coronavirus crisis Trump, Putin and Jinping!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqn6h6/a_chimpanzee_a_gorilla_and_a_baboon_are/ % A vegan activist walks into a bar. I only knew he was a vegan activist because he told everyone within two minutes. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmz2c/a_vegan_activist_walks_into_a_bar/ % i made a video about the pandemic But i am afraid to release it because it might go viral. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmyap/i_made_a_video_about_the_pandemic/ % My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmhye/my_ex_and_i_had_a_safe_word/ % Two friends walk into a bar The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?” Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?” The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple. “What the hell is this?” He cries. “Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink. After a deep sigh and a quick glance to his buddy, he takes a deep bit from the apple. “Oh my god! Its vodka!” The man exclaims. The bartender says, ”Now turn it around and bite the other side” The man excitedly turns the apple and chomps on the other end. “This is amazing! Is that Sprite?” Friend 2 jumps in, “ No way man, let me try one” Bartender tosses him an apple, the man quickly takes bites from both sides and chews them together “Oh wow, it’s rum and coke!” Just then a third man sits down at the bar and watches them quizzically. “Where’d y’all get them apples from?” Friend 1 speaks up, “Hey man you gotta try this,” he points at the bartender, “this guy has apples in any flavor liquor you want!” Bartender nods and says, “ I have any flavor you want, not just liquor. Skittles, oranges, carrot...” he mumbles while rummaging under the counter. The third man speaks up, “You got one that tastes like pussy?” All 4 men exchange glances. “Uhhhh...actually yeah I do” says the bartender, who dutifully digs around the shelves, produces an apple and tosses it to the man. The man takes a large bite and quickly spits it out, “Oh my god! Thats awful! It tastes like shit!” Bartender says, “Oh. Turn it around.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmgzt/two_friends_walk_into_a_bar/ % An Irish man frees a genie from a bottle The genie pops out and exclaims “3 wishes! Whatever you want I shall grant!” The Irish man amazed at first says “I wish I had giant mug of beer!” “Granted!” Says the genie and poof, the beer appears in front of the Irish man. The Irish mans says “And I wish it would never run out of beer!” “Granted!” Says the genie, and sure enough the Irish man starts chugging the beer and as soon as he puts it down it refills. The genie then asks “And what about your third wish?” The Irish man stops and thinks for a min and finally says “I’ll take another one of these!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqmay9/an_irish_man_frees_a_genie_from_a_bottle/ % In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a more very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqm8l8/in_a_small_american_town_a_band_of_squirrels_had/ % If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything: Stamps = Lickie Stickie Defibrillators = Hearty Starty Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby Bra = Breastie Nestie Fork = Stabby Grabby Socks = Feetie Heatie Hippo = Floatie Bloatie Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlqhr/if_the_person_who_named_walkie_talkies_named/ % Head Larger Than The Shaft... Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqllep/head_larger_than_the_shaft/ % Fun animal fact: You can take a cow up the stairs but not down Think of the poor bastard who found it out the hard way — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlen8/fun_animal_fact_you_can_take_a_cow_up_the_stairs/ % Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck. The first one says "Every morning I wake up at 6:00. At 6:30 I piss for half an hour, just standing there as piss dribbles out. At 7:00 I shit for an hour before I can squeeze anything out. I hate this life." The second one says "You think you got it bad? Every morning I wake up at 5:00. At 6:00 I piss for an hour, if I'm lucky. at 7:00 I shit for two hours, maybe something comes out. My life sucks." The third one says "You two think you got it bad? Lemme tell you! Every morning at 6:30 I piss like a faucet, just one continuous stream. At 7:00 I take a massive shit, it just slides straight out!" The first two look at him and say "So what are you complaining about, you got it made!" He says "Yeah, but I never wake up before 8:00!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqlbt8/three_old_men_are_sitting_in_an_oldage_home/ % WHEN CATS ARE SAD Bartender: What'll ya have? Cat: Shot of rum [Bartender pours it] [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar] Cat: Another. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fql95s/when_cats_are_sad/ % If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear.... ... do you think Greece would help? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fql84r/if_russia_invaded_turkey_from_the_rear/ % A bartender has a drink ready for his customer every evening. He’s a doctor and every time he finishes work he comes to the bar for a hazelnut daiquiri. One night, the bar is all out of hazelnuts. The bartender rummages through the inventory but is only able to find hickory nuts. He improvises a drink in the nick of time. The doctor comes in right on time and takes a sip. “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” He says. The bartender responds. “No. You got me, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkor7/a_bartender_has_a_drink_ready_for_his_customer/ % Police are like a box of chocolates.... They'll kill your dog. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkltg/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/ % The Perfect Son Friend 1 - I have the perfect son. Friend 2 - Does he smoke? Friend 1 - No, he doesn't. Friend 2 - Does he drink whiskey? Friend 1 - No, he doesn't. Friend 2 - Does he ever come home late? Friend 1 - No, he doesn't. Friend 2 - I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? Friend 1 - He will be six months old next Wednesday. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkf3o/the_perfect_son/ % My father ladies and gentlemen... So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and then the sled driver would just “giver” down some snow covered back roads. Holding the rope with one hand you could steer the saucer by leaning. Object of the game was to knock the other guy off, preferably when he was on or near what were sometimes 10' embankments of ploughed snow at the side of the road. Hell of a lot of harmless fun for the most part, until one day it went bad. Paul and I had been bashing the hell out of each other for a while, and no one was coming off. I came at him quickly from my side of the road and made the initial impact with him just seconds before an old Ford Econoline “shagging wagon” with the classic big ole cb antenna on it, came round the bend in front of us. Long enough story short, I managed to stay over in our lane behind the sled, but as fate and all the timing that goes with it would have it, the van came even with us just as Paul bounced up the embankment, off a tree, and flipped over, on the wrong side of the road. Again, in a horrible twist of fate, he came down near the top of the van’s windshield, and the motion of the impact basically impaled him on the antenna that was jutting up from the top of the van. He survived the initial impact but later died in hospital. His blood system was poisoned by some ailment related to the dead insects that had beat him to the antenna. Maybe if he had had a flak jacket on he might have made it. Be careful out there folks. We all did some pretty risky stuff when we were younger. Wear protection. No one wants to die from a van aerial disease..... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkexs/my_father_ladies_and_gentlemen/ % A dad tells his son that he wants him to marry a girl of his choice. “No” replies the son. “The girl is Bill Gates’ daughter” says the dad. “Ok then” replies the son. The dad goes to Bill Gates “Can your daughter marry my son?” asks the dad. “No” replies Bill Gates. “But my son is the CEO of World Bank” said the dad. “Then ok” says Bill Gates The dad goes to the president of World Bank. “Appoint my son as the CEO of your company” demands the dad. “No” replies the president. “But he is the son-in-law of Bill Gates” says the dad. “Ok” says the president. And that is how business is done. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqkcjd/a_dad_tells_his_son_that_he_wants_him_to_marry_a/ % Four Fathers at the Bar Father A, Father B, Father C and Father D were at the bar, enjoying their drinks and happily conversing about their successes in life. With a bladder full of liquid, Father D went to the toilet to take a shit. As the conversation continued between the others, it diverted towards how successful their children were. Father A said “My son is one of the most successful architects in the nation, he’s become so rich that he gifted a special friend an entire mansion”. Father B said “My son is one of the most successful pilots in the world, he’s so rich that he gifted his best friend a private jet.” Father C said “My son is one of the most popular YouTubers, he just gifted his friends a fleet of Ferraris” Father D returned from the toilet, hopefully having washed his hands (please be hygienic in the wake of Covid-19). His friends proceed to ask him about his son’s successes, when he replied... “My son is a gay stripper” Gobsmacked, bamboozled and flabbergasted... the other fathers replied by asking if he was ashamed of his son, to which his Father D replied... “Not at all. Recently, his satisfied clients have gifted him an entire mansion, a private jet and a fleet of Ferraris.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqk5j1/four_fathers_at_the_bar/ % What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? Together we can stop this shit. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqk0g3/what_did_one_butt_cheek_say_to_the_other_butt/ % I don't usually tell anal jokes Butt fuck it — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjwrw/i_dont_usually_tell_anal_jokes/ % What’s a cats favourite console The pspspspspspspsps4 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjtz9/whats_a_cats_favourite_console/ % Two boxers light up a blunt After a couple hours, both of them are pretty damn high, they start telling each other stories. One of them says, "Oh man, the other day I went on the craziest date with my wife. I got home after practice and told her to get ready. A couple minutes later we head out into that beautiful forest next to our cottage. While we're strolling through the forest, a lion comes out of the bushes. So I punch him and I kick him and I uppercut him all the way to Mars. We continue our stroll and it's all lovey dovey and we're having a splendid time. All of a sudden a tiger comes out of the bushes. So I punch him and I kick him and I uppercut him all the way to Jupiter. We continue our stroll and it's all lovey dovey and we're having a splendid time. All of a sudden a dinosaur..." His friend interrupts him, "Do I seem that stupid mate? Do you think I'm an idiot? What kind of woman gets ready in a couple minutes?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjt9c/two_boxers_light_up_a_blunt/ % Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjp40/donald_trump_met_with_the_queen_of_england_and/ % Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown Only essential oils can be bought. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqjnan/olive_oil_sale_prohibited_during_covid19_lockdown/ % Today, I'm setting out to recapture my lost youth. I could've sworn I locked the basement door. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj5ec/today_im_setting_out_to_recapture_my_lost_youth/ % I've got the memory of an elephant, i remember this one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj5c3/ive_got_the_memory_of_an_elephant_i_remember_this/ % I've just hired a landscape gardener, but he couldn't help me out As my garden was portrait... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqj269/ive_just_hired_a_landscape_gardener_but_he/ % A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqiz9x/a_policeman_just_knocked_on_my_door_and_said_my/ % panda So this panda is tired of hanging around the zoo and decides one night, when his cage is accidently left open, that he's going to do what people do. Being after dark, he's heads to the bar for some good 'ol fashion binge drinkin' So this panda bear is sitting at the bar drinking some beers and is approached by a fine lady who asks him if he wants to go home with her. So the panda bear obliges and goes back to this gal's place for a night of wild sex. In the morning he gets up to leave to get back to the zoo, and she says "You can't leave you have to pay me" Panda bear says "why would I pay you" Girl says "I'm a prostitute" Panda bear says "yeah and I'm a Panda bear" Girl says "you don't understand".....grabbing a dictionary, she shows the Panda the definition of prostitute: Person who has sex in exchange for money Quickly thinking, the Panda Bear opens the dictionary to Panda and says "see, Panda Bear : Animal that eats bush and leaves" "Good-bye" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqivwv/panda/ % Quarantine going good so far I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqinmx/quarantine_going_good_so_far/ % Two Dragons walk into a Bar One says "It's getting Hot in here" The other "Shut your mouth" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqin21/two_dragons_walk_into_a_bar/ % I have been studying Russian with my friends and i realized we change b's into v's in the accent My friends ask me if i still want to study russian and i said "If being russian makes my b's into v's then soviet." I was shot down by the FBI the next day. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqiklc/i_have_been_studying_russian_with_my_friends_and/ % A Roman walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqihox/a_roman_walks_into_a_bar/ % How do you make a pound of fat look good? Put a nipple on it — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqigg5/how_do_you_make_a_pound_of_fat_look_good/ % Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest." The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience." The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at *least* 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "...Yeah?" "Well I sure fuckin' didn't." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqif6a/three_vampire_brothers_decide_to_hold_a/ % Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed but it’s all water under the fridge now Credit u/kelly240361 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqibk0/day_12_of_quarantine_i_traversed_the_microwave/ % A guy walks into a supermarket to buy some dog food. After he puts the dog food at the cash register the cashier replies: "Sorry, you must prove that you have a dog to purchase that. It's a new rule". Angry, the guy leaves. The next day he comes to the supermarket to buy cat food. At the cash register, the cashier replies: "You can't buy that without proving that you have a cat". Furious, the guy exits the market. The following day he approaches the same cashier and gives him a box with a hole in it. "Stick your finger there please" asks the guy. Suspcious, the cashier puts his finger in the box and quickly removes it. "Now, smell it" "This smells like shit, is this a joke ?" "No, I just needed to buy some toilet paper" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhqen/a_guy_walks_into_a_supermarket_to_buy_some_dog/ % What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord? Gsus — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhk34/what_is_a_priests_favourite_guitar_chord/ % My dad asked me if I was even listening to what he was saying. That's one weird way to start a conversation. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhgsu/my_dad_asked_me_if_i_was_even_listening_to_what/ % A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot… Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhfk2/a_woman_joins_a_country_club_and_when_she_hears/ % I told my friends that i had a date with a really attractive girl.... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqhak6/i_told_my_friends_that_i_had_a_date_with_a_really/ % A mother is unsure about her depressed son's well-being She asks him to clarify that he will not commit suicide, the boy tries to reassure her and replies: "Don't worry mom! Suicide is the last thing I'd do!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgs8n/a_mother_is_unsure_about_her_depressed_sons/ % I want my women to be like my Covid 19 and easy to get — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgs89/i_want_my_women_to_be_like_my_covid/ % If you donate a kidney everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys – people start yelling, police gets called – sheesh. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgrpw/if_you_donate_a_kidney/ % He'll never make it Ireland on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!! On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement! Murphy shouts JESUS PADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ONLY 5.45! Paddy replies: I Know where he lives...... He’ll never fucking make it home by 6!!! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgqm5/hell_never_make_it/ % Pillow fight The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily. I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgldx/pillow_fight/ % A single sperm has about 37.5 mb of data in it. That would mean a single ejaculation would be a transfer of about 1.587 tb worth of data That’s a lot of information to swallow, I know. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgkpn/a_single_sperm_has_about_375_mb_of_data_in_it/ % A man walks into his hometown bar, walked up to the bartender and was offered a deal. The bartender offered, “If you can slap the steak that’s hung from the ceiling, drinks are on the house. If you can’t, then tonight’s drinks are on you”. The man considered for a long while before replying, “Nah, the steaks are too high.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgkm8/a_man_walks_into_his_hometown_bar_walked_up_to/ % Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though... This is just the tip of the iceberg. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqggox/quarantine_has_been_hard_ive_run_out_of_toilet/ % A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!' — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqgaq3/a_woman_is_preparing_a_french_dinner_for_her/ % I left my Chinese dumplings to cool on a third floor window ledge. The police arrested me for wonton endangerment. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg83m/i_left_my_chinese_dumplings_to_cool_on_a_third/ % Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater ...than submarines in the sky? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg4uo/did_you_know_that_there_are_more_airplanes/ % My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother until my mom took the urn from me. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqg10r/my_favorite_childhood_memory_was_building/ % Just noticed two large bumps on my car battery... Had them tested and one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfxtb/just_noticed_two_large_bumps_on_my_car_battery/ % My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction So I packed up my things and right — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfvt2/my_wife_is_really_mad_at_the_fact_that_i_have_no/ % A Texan walks into an Irish pub and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfsti/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_pub/ % Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!” Murphy watches in amazement. The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.” So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well. “Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman. “Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfrmu/paddy_and_murphy_are_working_on_a_building_site/ % I got an email with subject "knock knock" It was Jehovah's witnesses working from home — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqflp5/i_got_an_email_with_subject_knock_knock/ % If Hooters started delivering Would they change their name to knockers? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfkol/if_hooters_started_delivering/ % What‘s this COVID-19 thing everyone is talking about? I don‘t get it. ...maybe I should leave the house more often. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfgpj/whats_this_covid19_thing_everyone_is_talking_about/ % My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqffcq/my_girlfriend_borrowed_100_from_me_after_3years/ % Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure? Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfdbz/doctor_you_have_a_disease_but_we_can_treat_it/ % Knock knock Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? THAT'S HIM, OFFICER. HE'S INFECTED! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqfcmk/knock_knock/ % Where does a fish keep its money? At the riverbank. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqf8i6/where_does_a_fish_keep_its_money/ % Inner peace during these uncertain times I heard a doctor on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house for things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of Tequila, a bodle of some old Pinot, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqf2jk/inner_peace_during_these_uncertain_times/ % Why can't football players wear glasses? Because it's a contact sport — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqes0a/why_cant_football_players_wear_glasses/ % Marriage is... Marriage is knowing you never want your partner to die, but hating them for chewing too loud. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqek6f/marriage_is/ % To be frank, I'd have to change my name. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqejt6/to_be_frank/ % I bought the world's worst thesaurus today. Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqej58/i_bought_the_worlds_worst_thesaurus_today/ % When does a joke become a dad joke? When it’s apparent. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdz72/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/ % Sending my thoughts and prayers To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdro1/sending_my_thoughts_and_prayers/ % Son, want to hear a funny one? Son: sure Dad: Quarantine. Son: why’s that funny? Dad: it’s an inside joke. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdnfb/son_want_to_hear_a_funny_one/ % The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore. W.H.O. let the dogs out. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqdnbi/the_world_health_organization_has_declared_that/ % What do you call a sad noodle? Upsetti spaghetti. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqd0pm/what_do_you_call_a_sad_noodle/ % What’s long and yellow and cannot swim? A school bus full of children — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqct73/whats_long_and_yellow_and_cannot_swim/ % $500!!! A guy and his girlfriend are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The girl is just hopping out so she says, "I'll get it" She goes to the door with just a towel around her. There's a guy at the front door who looks at the half-naked beauty and says, "My name is Barry,I'll give you $500 to drop the towel" The girl thinks for a moment and decides, "What the heck". So she drops the towel. The guy gives her the $500 and leaves. She goes back upstairs where her boyfriend is just getting out of the shower. He asks, "who was at the door?" She says, "Oh, some guy named Barry" Boyfriend says, "Oh, that's my mate Barry, did he give you the $500 he owes me?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqcow9/500/ % Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped… "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqcixo/two_caterpillars_are_escaping_a_spider_they_climb/ % Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist. He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United States and Europe, and had the machine scan every book published since the invention of the printing press. Finally Smith sat down at the console, took a deep breath, and typed, "Is there a God?" The monitor flickered, the hard drives clicked, and up on the screen came the words, "There is now!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqchms/smith_was_a_man_of_cold_facts_a_scientist_a/ % I went into a brothel in Wales. They charged me twenty quid entry fee and said I could choose one of the girls to spend some time with. But it turned out they had no women at all! I got fleeced. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqc43b/i_went_into_a_brothel_in_wales/ % Jesus is doing a crossword when he shouts in frustration I'm stuck on 2 across! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbrcz/jesus_is_doing_a_crossword_when_he_shouts_in/ % So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo... ...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbe3y/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/ % During boot camp training, a young mathematician is instructed to pull the pin of a grenade, count down from three and then throw. He died by -6. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqbdy5/during_boot_camp_training_a_young_mathematician/ % Went out for my state sanctioned, socially distant walk today... ...and I gotta say, a lot of guys seem to measuring six feet the way they measure six inches. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqb4mk/went_out_for_my_state_sanctioned_socially_distant/ % Deep in the Amazon jungle, a tribe witnessed white people for the first time... ...and immediately regretted installing TikTok. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqb38l/deep_in_the_amazon_jungle_a_tribe_witnessed_white/ % Why don’t black people go on cruises? They’re not falling for that trick again. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqavnq/why_dont_black_people_go_on_cruises/ % I got sent home from work today because I failed the temperature test today. I dropped my pants and bent over. They should have said it was a thermal scan! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqalq3/i_got_sent_home_from_work_today_because_i_failed/ % A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed. At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways. One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body. The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man. The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim. In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man. A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard. The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months. After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around. The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqahk4/a_man_with_a_gold_claim_in_alaska_was_cursed/ % How is the queen still alive? Because she has been drinking imortali-tea. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa8o8/how_is_the_queen_still_alive/ % What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa68f/what_did_the_reddit_user_say_after_detonating_a/ % My friend asked what chord had the notes G, C, and D Like Gsus man! Learn the chord names! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fqa0cs/my_friend_asked_what_chord_had_the_notes_g_c_and_d/ % The fact that all the bars are closed due to coronavirus has some big consequences. I haven’t seen a “walked into a bar” joke here for days now. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9sug/the_fact_that_all_the_bars_are_closed_due_to/ % For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.. On the other hand, you don’t. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9n94/for_redditors_thinking_about_getting_married/ % Why was Mary Magdalene upset with Jesus? Bevause he holy ghosted her. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9mcq/why_was_mary_magdalene_upset_with_jesus/ % What do you call a director who likes to camp inside during a pandemic? Tentin Quarentino — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9m01/what_do_you_call_a_director_who_likes_to_camp/ % An English man was trying to teach a Japanese man how to tell time in English... The English man says to the Japanese man, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at the clock and says “it’s 4 o’clock.” The English man asks again, 30 minutes later, “now what’s the time?” The Japanese man replies with “it’s 4:30 o’clock” the English man and Japanese man celebrate by going to a restaurant. After an hour of being at the restaurant, the English man asks the Japanese man again, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at his watch and replies with, “5:30 o’watch.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9gqr/an_english_man_was_trying_to_teach_a_japanese_man/ % A new Chief takes over the Indian tribe.. It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9esi/a_new_chief_takes_over_the_indian_tribe/ % Bro, do you want this pamplet? Brochure — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9c1l/bro_do_you_want_this_pamplet/ % Which x-men member is hated by conservatives? Caitlyn Jenner — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq99oe/which_xmen_member_is_hated_by_conservatives/ % What does a 9volt battery and a girls butthole have in common? You know you shouldn’t, but eventually you’ll put your tongue on it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq9998/what_does_a_9volt_battery_and_a_girls_butthole/ % My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes. He was a poultry farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken activities. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this backstory? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq941j/my_grandfather_died_and_i_inherited_some_of_his/ % How does an Eskimo build a house? Igloos it together! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq931o/how_does_an_eskimo_build_a_house/ % Why is coronavirus like Groundhog Day? (The actual day, not the film) If you stick your head outside and encounter another person, you get 6 more weeks of quarantine. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq92rx/why_is_coronavirus_like_groundhog_day_the_actual/ % 9 Inch Pianist A man walks into a bar with a bag. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano. The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. He rubs it, and out pops an old, dusty genie. The man tells the bartender to make a wish. The Bartender wishes for 1 million bucks. Lo and Behold, rows of ducks begin walking into the bar and filling the entire area. Frustrated the bartender yells to the man "I wished for a million BUCKS!" To this the man replied, "Did you think I wanted a 9-inch Pianist?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8w22/9_inch_pianist/ % An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. “This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious muffins, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery’. “And sure enough,” he continued. “The fifteenth time around the block, and there it was!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8tjh/an_overweight_businessman_decided_it_was_time_to/ % What's the difference between a woman walking out of church and a woman walking out of the shower? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8m6w/whats_the_difference_between_a_woman_walking_out/ % They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication. But look who’s over here not lonely during the quarantine! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8ch6/they_said_that_schizophrenia_is_an_illness_and_i/ % What do cashews and prostitutes have in common? It’s an expensive nut. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq85f6/what_do_cashews_and_prostitutes_have_in_common/ % Claude the Hypnotist It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst into a hundred pieces on impact. "SHIT," shouted Claude. It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Home and Claude was never invited back again. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq8362/claude_the_hypnotist/ % Bartender A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7ybb/bartender/ % Due to Coronavirus, we officially now have three days of the week 1. Yesterday 2. Today 3. Tomorrow — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7k0u/due_to_coronavirus_we_officially_now_have_three/ % 90% of the time I know what you want. A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15." The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?" I replied, "That's my job." Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28." The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies? I replied, "That's my job." This time a brunette walked in and I said, "Tampons, aisle 5." The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine." I said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq7ajp/90_of_the_time_i_know_what_you_want/ % Is there any way to put the pin of a grenade back in? Guys, I'm gonna need a quick answer on this one.. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq765a/is_there_any_way_to_put_the_pin_of_a_grenade_back/ % My grandpa warned that the Titanic would sink. No one payed attention to him, but he kept on warning until people got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theater. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6su4/my_grandpa_warned_that_the_titanic_would_sink/ % Who needs stimulus money When your wife didn't go shopping for two weeks! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6pmu/who_needs_stimulus_money/ % I tried to rickroll everyone on r/Jokes with a link but You know the rules and so do I — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6noq/i_tried_to_rickroll_everyone_on_rjokes_with_a/ % I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying. I can also tell when they're standing. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq6ber/i_can_always_tell_just_by_looking_when_someone_is/ % What's the difference between a scout and a Jew? A scout comes back from their camp — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq61ft/whats_the_difference_between_a_scout_and_a_jew/ % I used to live next door to a talking horse We were Neeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigghhhhbours — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5sf8/i_used_to_live_next_door_to_a_talking_horse/ % My last girlfriend had a lazy eye. We broke up because I caught her seeing someone on the side. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5qcd/my_last_girlfriend_had_a_lazy_eye/ % My parents were murdered And the detective was a duck Luckily he quacked the case in the end — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5jg2/my_parents_were_murdered/ % How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the taxi was deafening..... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5dsf/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/ % Some people think it’s soooo fine, that a Sweden - Denmark soccermatch gets abbreviated as SWEDEN But the abbrevition for Finland - Estonia is FINEST! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq5agj/some_people_think_its_soooo_fine_that_a_sweden/ % Aussie help line Helpline Agent: "G'day mate, Aussie help line ere, what's the problem cobber? Guy: "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her vagina has completely closed up" Helpline Agent: "Ah bummer mate!" Guy: "Cheers mate, I hadn't thought of that, bye!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq57np/aussie_help_line/ % My wife said that with all this going on she’s not going to take our 4 week old to the hospital just to have his weight checked. No weigh. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4q7e/my_wife_said_that_with_all_this_going_on_shes_not/ % My friend asked for tips to pick up women I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4pq5/my_friend_asked_for_tips_to_pick_up_women/ % My wife has been missing for a year and the police said to me last night.. My wife has been missing a year and the police said to me last night, "I think you should expect the worst." So I've brought all her things back in from the shed. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4hn9/my_wife_has_been_missing_for_a_year_and_the/ % What did the Russian lesbian spy get charged with? Lesbionage — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq4bq2/what_did_the_russian_lesbian_spy_get_charged_with/ % Did you hear about the Jamaican spicemaker who had sex before marriage? He was a cinna-mon — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq49if/did_you_hear_about_the_jamaican_spicemaker_who/ % An ok joke Francis had memory loss. He was chatting with his friend, Richard, in his nursery home. Richard asks him “ Hey, how is that new memory clinic working out for you?” “It’s going great!” Francis said. “I can remember everything.” So then Richard asks him “ What’s the name of the clinic?” “Umm...What’s the name of that red flower with a long stem and thorns?” Francis asks. “Do you mean a Rose?” “Yeah.” So then he turns to his wife. “Hey Rose! What’s the name of that memory clinic?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq48h7/an_ok_joke/ % A husband and a wife go to marriage Counseling. [Long] A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?” “The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!” “How does he drive you crazy?” “For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.” The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?” “He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!” “Hmm, anything else?” The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!” “Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.” So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?” The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.” The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.” “What did he say?” “He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!” The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.” The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.” The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.” “Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.” The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble. And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.” “This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.” “What did he say?” The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq420s/a_husband_and_a_wife_go_to_marriage_counseling/ % How can you easily spot an optimist? An Older person buying green bananas. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3g7x/how_can_you_easily_spot_an_optimist/ % What do women and KFC have in common? After your done with the breast and thighs you have a greasy box to stick your bone in. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3b3d/what_do_women_and_kfc_have_in_common/ % I am so bored now, So I applied for The NHS volunteer scheme. Turns out they've got enough gynaecologist, Just waiting to hear back from the breast clinic. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq3aso/i_am_so_bored_now_so_i_applied_for_the_nhs/ % What do cats get when they get sick? A purrscription — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq37dj/what_do_cats_get_when_they_get_sick/ % A reporter visits a small village farm to interview a farmer about his sheep. Reporter:So Billy,what do feed your sheep? Billy:I feed the white one corn mix. Reporter:what about the black one? Billy:I feed it corn mix as well. Reporter: Ok,where do your sheep sleep? Billy:the white one sleeps in the underground shack. Reporter:what about the black one? Billy: it sleeps in the underground shack as well. Reporter : OK......how old are your sheep? Billy:the white one's 11. Reporter:what about the black one? Billy: it's 11 as well. Repoerter:OK Billy,both of your sheep live the same way then why do you keep talking about them seperately? Billy:it's because the white one is mine. Reporter:what about the black one then? Billy: it's mine as well. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq30g1/a_reporter_visits_a_small_village_farm_to/ % A man walks up to a widow during a funeral: “Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq303j/a_man_walks_up_to_a_widow_during_a_funeral/ % What do you call a chameleon that can't change colour? A reptile dysfunction. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2yok/what_do_you_call_a_chameleon_that_cant_change/ % A husband and wife sit in their bed. The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2svg/a_husband_and_wife_sit_in_their_bed/ % Missionary Work An American missionary travels to remote Amazonv village to spread the gospel. First, thing he realizes is that he needs to teach the natives English; as that's the only language he knows and has Bibles to distirbute. He ponders and finally approaches the headman of the village. As the walk along in the forest the missionary see's a bird and points as says "Bird", the villager looks and says "Bird". The missionary looks upwards and says praise the Lord this might work. They walk a little further, the missionary passes a tree and points and says "Tree", the villager looks and says "Tree". The missionary looks upwards again and says praise the Lord this might work. They continue with this and it seems to be working. Finally as they pass some bushes they see a couple having sex. The missionary thinks to himself; I don't want to teach them any "bad" words so he points at the couple and says "Riding a bicycle". In the blink of an eye, the villager pulls the bow off his back, notches an arrow, and shoots the man from the couple in the back. Then the the village points at the couple and says "Riding my bicycle". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq2j8r/missionary_work/ % A man wins the lottery... [*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*] A man wins the lottery after years of crippling debt and financial stress. His first idea is to quit his horrible job. Upon arrival at work and before he can say anything, he is summoned to the office of his boss. "I'm sorry, but we have to let you go due to changed priorities. As this is not your fault, you will be compensated with a severance pay of $50,000. I'll be happy to introduce you to any future employer. Again, I'm very sorry." Astonished and surprised, the man leaves his former work place and thinks about his next plans. He decides to buy his dream car. At the car dealership, he is greeted by confetti, flowers and large banderole reading "Congratulations, customer #100,000!" As the prize is a fancy sports car, he enthusiastically speeds home to finally tell his wife. Stepping into his home, he slowly tip-toes from room to room to be able to surprise her. After nearly checking the whole house, it almost seems like his wife is not at home, even though the door was not locked. Suddenly he sees that the ladder to the attic is lowered. Slowly ascending, he is overcome by a strong suspicion and starts to breathe heavily. And yes: there she is, dangling from a rope, a chair toppled over, a suicide note on the neatly placed shoes on the floor. The man stands silent for a minute and finally speaks to himself. "Well look at that! Seems like I'm on a roll today!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1vrz/a_man_wins_the_lottery/ % Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction... Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "They gave those away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1oc9/wife_dreamed_that_she_was_attending_a_dick_auction/ % COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me? Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead. You can't spell virus without U and I. Baby, do you need toilet paper because I'm your Prince Charmin. I saw you from across the bar. Stay there. Without you my life is empty as a supermarket shelf. Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink? You can't spell quarantine without "U-R-A-Q-T". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1mj3/covid19_pickup_lines/ % Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson were investigating a case. Suddenly Dr. Watson started having constipation and he retired to the nearest lavatory. After some time passed, Holmes went to check up on Watson. "You all right in there, Watson?" "Yes, Holmes." "Still having bouts of constipation, don't you?" "Yeah, no shit, Sherlock." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1fjh/sherlock_holmes_and_dr_john_watson_were/ % A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow. So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail. When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes. The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1byg/a_group_of_snails_were_tired_of_the_stereotypes/ % The poetry contest. The rules were simple. Contestants were given a word, and five minutes to compose a four-line poem that used the word. The two finalists were an Oxford don and a undergrad from Ole Miss. The word was Timbuktu. The Oxford lecturer went first. "Across the burning desert sand / Wends a lonely caravan / Men and camels, two by two, / Destination: Timbuktu." Polite applause. Then it was the Southern kid's turn. "Me 'n' Tim a'huntin' went, / Met three hoors in a pop-up tent. / They was three 'n' we as two, / So I bucked one 'n' Timbuktu." He won. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1bbh/the_poetry_contest/ % Where do bees stop to use the bathroom on road trips? The BP station. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq1amq/where_do_bees_stop_to_use_the_bathroom_on_road/ % Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart (NSFW) He heard little boys pants were half off — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq18tj/why_did_michael_jackson_go_to_kmart_nsfw/ % A King must give his kingdom to one of his sons, he gives them each a duck and a task... There's a king in a far away kingdom. He had 3 son's all close in age and had not chose an heir. The 3 princes were old enough for him to decide, so he gives them each a duck. The king says, " which ever of you sale your duck for the most money will be the heir to the throne. Go my sons fulfill this task." The eldest prince leaves... A little later on the middle prince leaves... Finally the youngest son leaves, as he's walking thru the woods he thinks to himself, "I've never sold a thing in my life, the kingdom could never be mine" He walks hopelessly around the woods and eventually runs into a beautiful woman bathing in a pond. He is struck. He approaches her and says, "Excuse me ma'am you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I will give you this duck for sex". She agrees. When they finish he hands her the duck. She looks at the duck confused on what to do with it and says to the prince, "I will return this duck for one more go 'round". He agrees. After they got finished the prince heads back to the kingdom as its getting dark. He feels defeated as he is walking back duck still in hand. Suddenly the duck jumps out of his hands and an 18 wheeler suddenly runs it over flat! Devestated he picks up his flat duck. At that moment a guy on a 4 wheeler pulls up and says to the prince holding the flat duck, "Whoa! That's a bad ass duck dude I'll give you 5 dollars!" The prince agrees and heads back to the kingdom and all the princes meet back with their father. The eldest prince says, "I sold my duck for 1 dollar!" The second goes, "that's nothing I sold mine for 2 dollars!" The third prince smiling, says, "I got fuck for a duck. Duck for a fuck. And 5 dollars for one fucked up duck!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq16ow/a_king_must_give_his_kingdom_to_one_of_his_sons/ % What do you call 100 Maleficents? A Malefidollar — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq12wg/what_do_you_call_100_maleficents/ % A Scottish teenage girl plays the guitar and writes a song A Scottish teenage girl learns guitar and writes a song. When she performs it at the talent show, to her father's disapproval, she wears a crop top. During a guitar solo, her father walks up on stage and starts singing the song as if he's part of the act, and then he wraps her exposed belly with a towel. In shock, the girl says to her dad, "Why are you coverin' me mid-riff?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0rs7/a_scottish_teenage_girl_plays_the_guitar_and/ % You know what they say, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Except for the Herpes, that shit comes homes with you. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0q65/you_know_what_they_say_what_happens_in_vegas/ % I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat... But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0iww/im_not_saying_its_a_mistake_letting_my_girlfriend/ % Came home from work to find the cake in my fridge missing. There was a note sitting where the cake was that said... >“I broke into your house and saw the cake in your fridge, I didn’t steal anything else, only the cake in your fridge.” I was infuriated, what kind of a burglar steals cake?! I’ve had thieves take my bike, I’ve had thieves take my packages, but not like this, this one takes the cake. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0erc/came_home_from_work_to_find_the_cake_in_my_fridge/ % Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson.... would end up getting a Prince Albert? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq0916/who_couldve_expected_conservative_party_member/ % A young girl was sent to work in mines A few days later someone pushed a piano down the mine shaft Resulted in A flat minor — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq07fl/a_young_girl_was_sent_to_work_in_mines/ % Vegans don't live longer It just feels like they do — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fq06t2/vegans_dont_live_longer/ % "Orion's belt is a big waste of space" Terrible joke. Only 3 stars. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzyzr/orions_belt_is_a_big_waste_of_space/ % Once I was a male who was trapped inside a female's body. Then I was born. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzr52/once_i_was_a_male_who_was_trapped_inside_a/ % R. Kelly has asked to be released from prison after being concerned about catching COVID-19. I bet if it was COVID-13 he wouldn't mind catching it at all. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpznhj/r_kelly_has_asked_to_be_released_from_prison/ % A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote... "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzmy0/a_woman_cranky_because_her_husband_was_late/ % Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time. As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them. "The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in." The first man steps forward. "Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floor apartment to another man's clothes at the foot of you and your wife's bed. I didn't have to imagine, and I didn't stand for it. I had to look for this bastard. So I ran around, searching high and low, until I found someone hanging on to the window sill. I hit his fingers until he falls all six stories but he somehow survives by falling onto some trash bags. I grab the nearest heavy object-which happens to be the refrigerator-and throw it down at him. In my anger, I didn't realize that the plug had wrapped around my ankle, so I ended up falling to my death." "Well," said Peter, "Normally we don't allow murderers in here, but I think it was for a righteous enough reason. You pass." As the first man walks into Heaven, the second man steps forward. "Imagine this. You're a window washer, doing your rounds on the seventh floor of an apartment building. You slip and fall, but somehow you catch yourself on the window sill of the floor below. All of a sudden, this random asshat starts smashing at your fingers. Anyways, I fell and my life flashed before my eyes. By some miraculous fate, I was somehow safe! I had landed on some garbage bags and survived. Then I look up and see a fridge falling from the sky." Peter laughed. "Well, I don't think you did anything particularly wrong. You can come in." As the second man entered the gates, Saint Peter turned to the last man. "What about you?" "So imagine you've just finished fuckin' some dude's wife. Then you hide in the refrigerator." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzlz8/three_men_arrive_in_heaven_at_the_same_time/ % I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzj4i/i_bought_some_shoes_from_a_drug_dealer/ % White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further. "Ok chief. See that flock of sheep?" "Mmm yes" "See they are all white, but that one black one?" "Mmm yes" "Does that help you to understand?" "Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpzcll/white_priest_goes_and_lives_with_an_african_tribe/ % So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpz8wi/so_i_decided_to_incorporate_twitter_into_my_daily/ % What do you call a British girl who likes to keep track of things? a Tally Hoe. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyxa0/what_do_you_call_a_british_girl_who_likes_to_keep/ % I just married a trophy wife.. Her ears stick out and she has a list of previous boyfriends tattooed down her back... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyu1l/i_just_married_a_trophy_wife/ % I like my salad how I like my woman All vegetables — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyta2/i_like_my_salad_how_i_like_my_woman/ % Last week i launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds.. Today i hit one of the little shits with it.. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyk1d/last_week_i_launched_a_book_aimed_at_9_to_12_year/ % As a kid i was really mean to my kid brother, i once convinced him to swallow a torch.. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpyffa/as_a_kid_i_was_really_mean_to_my_kid_brother_i/ % I used to be a fortune teller but i was really bad at it as i could only predict really bad winter storms.. Turns out i was using a snow globe... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpybox/i_used_to_be_a_fortune_teller_but_i_was_really/ % my son is a male trapped in a female body he'll be born in may. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpybj5/my_son_is_a_male_trapped_in_a_female_body/ % What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpy8i2/what_does_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other_saggy/ % If you dress up a pug like gru from despicable me You get a group hug. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpy0gy/if_you_dress_up_a_pug_like_gru_from_despicable_me/ % I really need to get something off my chest It’s your mom. Get the crane. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxxmu/i_really_need_to_get_something_off_my_chest/ % New quarantine pickup line: Hey baby, just call me COVID-19, because I want to be inside you for 14 days without you knowing. Was told this was inappropriate at work. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxuz1/new_quarantine_pickup_line/ % I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... In reality it's because I banged her mom. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxtgc/i_call_my_wife_bambi_she_thinks_its_because_shes/ % How do bodybuilders combat coronavirus? Whey Isolate — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxouo/how_do_bodybuilders_combat_coronavirus/ % My girlfriend's brother had a baby. You want aunts? 'Cause that's how you get aunts. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxkyu/my_girlfriends_brother_had_a_baby/ % I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform. She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxj09/i_just_asked_the_wife_to_get_into_her_nurses/ % My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxizp/my_girlfriend_really_changed_after_she_became/ % I love you. "I love you, Mom." "What?" "I love you, Mom." "I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear it again." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxft2/i_love_you/ % There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months In 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpxetc/there_will_be_a_minor_baby_boom_in_9_months/ % A performer on stage asks his audience if anyone there has ever seen a ghost. Some people in the audience raise their hand. The performer continues and asks if anyone present had ever spoken to a ghost. Only a few people raise their hand. The performer then asks if anyone in the audience has ever had sexual relations with a ghost. An old man at the back of the audience raises his hand and so the performer repeats "sir you had sex with a ghost" To which the old man replies " oh sorry, i thought you said goat" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx7st/a_performer_on_stage_asks_his_audience_if_anyone/ % Is sex work? A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx7at/is_sex_work/ % Jesus needs to get back on the cross And take one for the team — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpx4ln/jesus_needs_to_get_back_on_the_cross/ % I know why there is so much incest in Alabama. Since you can’t serve on a jury for a family member, you can avoid jury duty by being related to everybody — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwjz5/i_know_why_there_is_so_much_incest_in_alabama/ % Why doesn’t Bernie Sanders like hand sanitizer? Because it protects the 0.01% — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwh6w/why_doesnt_bernie_sanders_like_hand_sanitizer/ % "The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?" "Of course we will. We're Progressive." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwcnm/the_car_insurance_company_down_the_road_wouldnt/ % What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwc3j/what_do_lesbians_and_turtles_have_in_common/ % If you get an e-mail from the CDC about tins of pork being contaminated with COVID-19, don’t open it. It’s Spam. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpwb3g/if_you_get_an_email_from_the_cdc_about_tins_of/ % So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19... Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpw6y7/so_boris_johnson_has_tested_positive_for_covid19/ % Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvuaj/today_at_the_bank_an_old_lady_asked_me_to_check/ % A farmer had three daughters, all of whom had dates on the same night. The first date knocks on the door and says to the farmer, “Hello, I’m Eddy and I’m here to take Betty out for a plate of spaghetti.” The farmer lets them go. The next date comes to the door and says, “Hello, I’m Beau and I’m here to take Flo to the show.” The farmer lets them go. The third date comes to the door and says, “Hello, I’m Chuck...” So the farmer shot him. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvti5/a_farmer_had_three_daughters_all_of_whom_had/ % He asked: how do you f‌‌eel a‌‌bout s‌‌ex? She replied: well I like it i‌‌nfrequently. He said: is that o‌‌ne word or t‌‌wo? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvr3o/he_asked_how_do_you_feel_about_sex/ % I'd like to thank my dad for coming... Without him I wouldn't be here — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvp48/id_like_to_thank_my_dad_for_coming/ % I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! *drops mic* — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvebp/i_give_to_you_a_joke_i_made_up_when_i_was_seven/ % Toilet paper hoarding mystery has been solved. When one person sneezes nine shit themselves. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpvapb/toilet_paper_hoarding_mystery_has_been_solved/ % Parish Priest The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!' 'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B#tch fish!' 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B#tch!' Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. 'Father, that's the biggest Son of a B#tch I've ever seen' 'Yes, it is a big Son of a B#tch. What should I do with it?' 'Why, eat it, of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B#tch!' Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. 'Take a look at this big Son of a B#tch I caught!' Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B#tch fish!' 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B#tch?' Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B#tch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the Son of a B#tch', she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. 'What are you doing Sister?' 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B#tch for the new Bishop's Dinner' 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!' 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B#tch Fish.' 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a B#tch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B#tch.' On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?' 'I caught that Son of a B#tch!' proclaimed the proud priest. 'And I cleaned the Son of a B#tch!' exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a B#tch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You mother f---ers are my kind of people!' Reply — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpuw8i/parish_priest/ % I really made my spouse angry when I opened the shower curtain and yelled "peek a boobs!" He says he's been going to the gym and I really need to be more supportive. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpuvbi/i_really_made_my_spouse_angry_when_i_opened_the/ % What do you call the slums in Italy? Spaghetto — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpumiw/what_do_you_call_the_slums_in_italy/ % What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpumf7/what_did_the_leper_say_to_the_prostitute/ % A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it... Man: Waiter, will you try the soup? Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold? Man: Will you just try the soup. Waiter: Is it too hot? Man: Will you just try the soup Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir? Man: Will you just try the damned soup son Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup... Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP! Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon. Man: Exactly. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpu9qe/a_man_ordered_the_soup_at_a_restaurant_and_asked/ % A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven. When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpu7ed/a_woman_dies_and_goes_to_the_gates_of_heaven/ % Old man and the prostitute [NSFW] A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to..." Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...." "...pay you" replied the old man. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fptzpc/old_man_and_the_prostitute_nsfw/ % A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him. "What colour?" she asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars." "Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fptpj7/a_married_man_thought_he_would_give_his_wife_a/ % A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street and while passing a store a robber comes running out and shoots her 3 times in the stomach. She is rushed off to hospital and the doctor evaluates the situation and says the babies are fine and he opts not to operate on the kids as she could lose them. So 16 years later, the first daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong. She narrates to the mother that she was taking a pee and a bullet fell out, the mother understands and comforts the daughter and tells the daughter the story of 16 years ago A week later the second daughter comes into the room crying and the mother asks whats wrong, the second daughter also narrates the experience of taking a pee and a bullet fell out. Mother again comforts her daughter and tells the story of 16 years ago A week later the son comes into the room crying and the mother immediately comforts him and says let me guess you were taking a pee and a bullet fell out? To which the son replies no mom... I was taking a wank and I shot the dog. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpt0uc/a_lady_pregnant_with_triplets_walks_down_the/ % Corona cases in North Korea are represented in binary. Number of cases is either 1 or 0 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsv9h/corona_cases_in_north_korea_are_represented_in/ % What do you call a very small bottle of soda? Minnesota. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsjx7/what_do_you_call_a_very_small_bottle_of_soda/ % Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpsgdd/did_you_hear_about_the_guy_who_got_hit_in_the/ % I can't even. Explains why I'm odd. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprsib/i_cant_even/ % I was talking to my girl the other day, and I told her I came up with a poetic analogy for our relationship. “You’re like my phone case,” I told her. “Aww, what does that mean?” “I paid $20 just to fuck you up.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprlex/i_was_talking_to_my_girl_the_other_day_and_i_told/ % Stop saying your life is a joke! A joke has meaning. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprerv/stop_saying_your_life_is_a_joke/ % How many jokes about Indian food do you know? Naan. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fprbc2/how_many_jokes_about_indian_food_do_you_know/ % Put this with the song from the Lego Movie "Everything Is Awesome" Everything is cancelled, everything is cancelled 'cause of COVID-19, Everything is cancelled, Because of quarantine. You're welcome — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpragv/put_this_with_the_song_from_the_lego_movie/ % A barely NSFW joke for ya! Whats the most sensitive body part when your masturbating? Your ears. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqz58/a_barely_nsfw_joke_for_ya/ % Put a spoon under your pillow, cancel school for a day. Put a bat in your soup, cancel school for a year! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqwtb/put_a_spoon_under_your_pillow_cancel_school_for_a/ % I feel bad for Jehovah's Witnesses It must be hard for them to stay home and mind their fucking business. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqw62/i_feel_bad_for_jehovahs_witnesses/ % What's a dinosaur which recently had anal called? A Mega-sore-ass. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqsrz/whats_a_dinosaur_which_recently_had_anal_called/ % The quarantine isn't funny to a lot of people... It's an inside joke. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqsii/the_quarantine_isnt_funny_to_a_lot_of_people/ % My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..." She responded, "How 'bout now?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqq8r/my_wife_called_me_at_work_and_asked/ % We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqi7s/we_are_11_days_into_selfisolation_ands_it_is/ % If I had a nickel every time I was confused I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpqhbi/if_i_had_a_nickel_every_time_i_was_confused/ % My doctor asked me what my blood type was, I said O- He asked, "Are you sure?" I said, "Oh, I'm positive!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpq9jz/my_doctor_asked_me_what_my_blood_type_was_i_said_o/ % I don't have enough bandwidth to connect to PornHub Now my Fitbit will think I'm lazy — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpq8ms/i_dont_have_enough_bandwidth_to_connect_to_pornhub/ % I'll never marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fppwxh/ill_never_marry_a_tennis_player/ % Dating a blind woman is easy, You know they won't be seeing anyone else. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpphvv/dating_a_blind_woman_is_easy/ % Why do girl scout cookies taste so good? child labor — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpp1zh/why_do_girl_scout_cookies_taste_so_good/ % NSFW Rooster likes to fuck. OK so there's this farmer and he has a rooster, and this rooster loves to fuck. The farmer comes out of the house one morning and finds all his chickens have been fucked to death by this rooster. He says to the rooster, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster says, "nah man, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking" . The next day comes and the farmer goes outside and all his cows have been fucked to death by the rooster again. He goes up to the rooster and tells him again, "if you don't stop fucking like this you're going to kill yourself" . The rooster responds the same way, "no way, you're crazy, ain't nothing wrong with fucking". This goes on a few more days til all the horses, the pigs, even the dog, had been fucked to death. The farmer thinking that everything will calm down now is shocked, when he goes out the next day and see buzzards circling in the sky. He runs towards them and sees the rooster stretched out on the ground. He falls to his knees and says, "damn it rooster I told you that all that fucking was going to kill you"! The rooster opens one eye, points toward the sky, "shhhh pussy". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpotfi/nsfw_rooster_likes_to_fuck/ % Arab A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?" The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun." "And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man. "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body," said the father. The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?" His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son?" "Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpotf1/arab/ % A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoo08/a_suspected_covid19_male_patient_is_lying_in_bed/ % My current hairstyle is perfect for tonight's Silent Disco. It's got absolutely no volume — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpogpr/my_current_hairstyle_is_perfect_for_tonights/ % What do Germans call a dead battery? A Nein- volt — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoe5p/what_do_germans_call_a_dead_battery/ % Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money back, the wise man confused asks whether his apples were stolen, the neighbor replied that they hadn't, then why do you want your money back? The Wiseman asked so the neighbor showed him the sign that had a new addition to it: Now there are two! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpocqk/little_kevin_had_a_habit_of_stealing_apples_from/ % instead of 'coronials' how about babies born 9 months from now could be called "lockup knockups". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpoauf/instead_of_coronials/ % What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches; one watches cells. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpo9y7/whats_the_difference_between_a_jeweler_and_a/ % What do you call an asian girl with only one leg? Irene — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpo6ys/what_do_you_call_an_asian_girl_with_only_one_leg/ % America is #1 again. We're literally sick of winning. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnppx/america_is_1_again/ % Knock knock Who's there? Ach. Ach who? You're not infected, are you? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnpns/knock_knock/ % Superman and Chuck Norris once agreed to a fight. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants for the rest of their life — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpnnju/superman_and_chuck_norris_once_agreed_to_a_fight/ % Did you hear State Farm has a new slogan? Like a good neighbor stay over there — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpndyb/did_you_hear_state_farm_has_a_new_slogan/ % I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpn2cm/i_wanted_to_make_a_joke_criticising_youtube_and/ % As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said: "Y'know, one would have been enough." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmvqu/as_i_handed_my_dad_his_50th_birthday_card_he/ % Due to COVID-19... I've begun laundering my money. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmnnf/due_to_covid19/ % Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: “Cargo space?” He looked at me and said: “No car no do that car no fly” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmj2g/today_i_went_to_buy_a_new_car_i_asked_the/ % Where does everyone in Alabama play games on their phone? Mobile. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpmhyu/where_does_everyone_in_alabama_play_games_on/ % What does Usain Bolt do when he misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpm68t/what_does_usain_bolt_do_when_he_misses_his_bus/ % Tarzan knew nothing about sex when he met Jane So Jane decide to teach him in a way that he would understand. "listen Tarzan, what you've got between your legs is a dirty rag and what I have between my legs is a washing machine. So you just have to wash your rag in my washing machine." Tarzan began to grow extremely fond of his newfound sexuality and on a normal day he would "wash" his rag over 30 times! Jane became exhausted and decided to avoid Tarzan whenever he was horny. At first Tarzan was confused and angry so he retreated into the jungle.. After some time Jane was again in need of the D but could not find Tarzan anywhere. After a long search she found him and asked him where had he been and why hadn't he searched for her washing machine anymore... He replied: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplrx7/tarzan_knew_nothing_about_sex_when_he_met_jane/ % Mississippi Grandma Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'​​​​​​​ — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplpka/mississippi_grandma/ % Well, I don't drink anymore. To be fair, I don't drink any less. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplore/well_i_dont_drink_anymore/ % What do you call a homeless woodwind instrument? a hoboe — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplm6l/what_do_you_call_a_homeless_woodwind_instrument/ % Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!" I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplfxj/ordered_a_chinese_earlier_in_the_day_the_chinese/ % I had a doughtnut shop but ended up selling it... I was fed up of the hole business — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fplcah/i_had_a_doughtnut_shop_but_ended_up_selling_it/ % Son: Mom, why is my sister's name Paris? Mom: We conceived her when we were in Paris. Now finish your lunch, Quarantino. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkvvd/son_mom_why_is_my_sisters_name_paris/ % If you get an email with the subject knock-knock Don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkuwe/if_you_get_an_email_with_the_subject_knockknock/ % I recently heard about a submarine that recycles an astonishing 95% of its junk. I personally think this sub is doing even better! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkust/i_recently_heard_about_a_submarine_that_recycles/ % [blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard. A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head. "Get some toilet paper" he said. "What for?" the blonde asked. "He must be half a mile away by now" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkmoh/blonde_a_blonde_woman_and_her_boyfriend_were/ % On a beautiful lake in the middle of a forest... is a small water strider minding its own business. Right above him, on a small branch sits a spider. "Oh boy, I'm totally jumping down there and have that water strider for breakfast!" it thinks. Right under the surface swims a fish. "Yummy, when the spider jumps down on the water strider, I'm gonna shoot up and eat them both!" Close to the shore lurks a bear. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots out of the water, I'm gonna catch it midair and have a nice meal!" On the other side of the lake patiently waits a hunter. "When the spider jumps down on the water strider, and the fish shoots up to eat them both, and the bear comes out to catch the fish, I'll shoot the bear!" Next to the hunter sits a small, tiny mouse. "When the spider eats the water strider, and the fish the spider, and the bear the fish, and the hunter shoots the bear, he'll be distracted so I can steal the cheese sandwich from his bag. Next to the mouse sneaks a cat. "When the spider gets the water strider, the fish the spider, the bear the fish, the hunter the bear, then the mouse will come out so I can catch it!" All is thought and done. The spider jumps down and catches the water strider. Suddenly, the fish shoots up and catches them both, only to be caught midair by the bear. The hunter aims and shoots the bear. The mouse snatches the cheese. The cat runs to the mouse, trys to catch it, misses and falls straight into the lake. The moral of the story? The longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkmmx/on_a_beautiful_lake_in_the_middle_of_a_forest/ % An elderly married couple goes to the state fair... They've been going to this fair since the fifties. Some time in the late sixties-early seventies the fair started offering helicopter rides. Year after year, Ethel would ask Lester "Honey, can we go on a helicopter ride?" Being brought up during the Great Depression his reply was always "Honey, that ride is twenty dollars, and twenty dollars is twenty dollars." This time, the man running the helicopter rides overhears the conversation and chimes in "Look, you two have been coming here year after year and never once have you taken a ride. Tell you what: I'll make you a deal. If I take you on a ride, and you can manage to stay silent the entire time, it's on the house." Ethel exclaims "Oh please Lester! I can be quiet, and I know you can. Let's face it, we're both getting on in years, this could be our last chance!" Lester relents, and agrees. They climb into the helicopter and the pilot takes off. He does everything he can to get a reaction from the two. Going up, down, side to side... If you could do a barrel roll in a helicopter, he'd've done it. When their time is up, he starts letting the copter down and prepares to land, saying "I'm pretty impressed. I did things that even scared me, but you two didn't make a peep. Congratulations, this one's on me." To which Lester replies "yeah, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but twenty dollars is twenty dollars." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkl5l/an_elderly_married_couple_goes_to_the_state_fair/ % Putting the cat out My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the Uber was deafening..... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkh0c/putting_the_cat_out/ % Why shouldn't women date a construction worker? All they do is screw, nut, and bolt. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkbe6/why_shouldnt_women_date_a_construction_worker/ % What did the elephant say to the naked guy? How do you eat with that thing? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpkadm/what_did_the_elephant_say_to_the_naked_guy/ % Our maid told us that she was going to start working from home She sent us a list of things to do. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk8qz/our_maid_told_us_that_she_was_going_to_start/ % Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied. I shit you knot! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk7nv/probably_a_repost_however_yesterday_i_ate_two/ % Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also. It's called the "Covid-19". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk6dd/just_like_the_freshman15_there_are_reports_that/ % Mike and Pat Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I took her way out. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!" The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with an even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?" "Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way the **** out there. Much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya....Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much, much further than the last two times. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and...She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! And I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk4o4/mike_and_pat/ % Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase ######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]: shiv or me timbers... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpk4n9/pirate_captain_i_need_a_catch_phrase/ % A plane with five passengers on board is about to crash. There are only four parachutes. The passengers include Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau, and a young schoolboy. Trump reaches for a parachute, saying "I have to get out of here alive. If America has no leader, the whole world will fall into chaos!" Trudeau slaps his hand away. "That's no way to behave. We're all heads of democracies here, we should solve this democratically. Besides, Canada needs a leader much more than the US does." "You're both nuts." Macron interjects. "We don't have anyone to represent us, which is important, seeing as to how we're all the heads of *republics*. Besides, France is more important than either of your countries." "Germany is the leader of the free world." Merkel replies. "If I'm gone, there is no free world. So I should get a parachute." The schoolboy clears his throat. "I-" "Not now, kid. Germany, the head of the free world? I've never heard a more bold-faced lie in all my life!" "You ought to know, you've told enough of them." "Gentlemen, please, this is very simple. We're all leaders, we'll just all take a parachute and leave the kid." "*Lady* and gentlemen." "Whatever. So who's first?" "Me, of course." "No, me!" "Over my dead body!" "You want to arrange that?" "I'll have you know, that means war! You don't want to fight us!" "Yeah? We'll see about-" *BOOM* The kid, hanging on from his parachute, watches as the plane crashes into the ground, the politicians still squabbling inside. "I tried to tell them." He thinks aloud to himself. "The number of times I've been through this gag, of course I brought my own." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjusp/a_plane_with_five_passengers_on_board_is_about_to/ % I'm pretty sure the coronavirus has got me turning into a dog. I lie around the house all day, my main method of exercise is walking around the neighborhood, and the mailman coming by is one of the most exciting parts of my day. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjo1c/im_pretty_sure_the_coronavirus_has_got_me_turning/ % In response to being quarantined I'm giving up drinking for an entire month . Edit, missed some punctuation. I'm giving up. Drinking for an entire month. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjk8b/in_response_to_being_quarantined_im_giving_up/ % I met a feminist in a bar She told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule were I can only say something I would say to Dwayne Johnson Do 2 minutes into the conversation is said “Your chest is fucking epic” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjdq5/i_met_a_feminist_in_a_bar/ % I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off. Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice.. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpjdir/i_was_walking_through_the_park_when_these_two/ % My parents are the funniest people in the world They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpj3f0/my_parents_are_the_funniest_people_in_the_world/ % I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He was so drunk, he fell off the watchtower. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpj12n/i_dont_think_holocaust_jokes_are_funny_my/ % What's the difference between a knife and a girl in a argument ? The knife has a point — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpip5s/whats_the_difference_between_a_knife_and_a_girl/ % My friend Chance told me this one. A young couple was dealing with unsuccessful pregnancies. Wanting to have a baby, they went to a sperm bank. The woman at the reception desk handed the man a bottle and said "Come back tomorrow with the bottle filled, and we'll see if you're infertile or not." The next day, the couple came back with the bottle, but it was empty. When the man handed the bottle to the woman at the desk, she said "Why is the bottle empty?" The man said "Welp, I tried with my left hand. Then, I tried with my right hand. My wife even tried with her mouth, and even that couldn't get the damn bottle open!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpio8q/my_friend_chance_told_me_this_one/ % How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpib8p/how_many_potatoes_does_it_take_to_kill_an_irishman/ % On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphsgb/on_the_first_night_of_their_honeymoon_the_new/ % Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for? "Check for squirrel." he responds — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphm7u/jane_always_had_a_certain_attraction_to_tarzan_so/ % My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard. But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/ — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphm6i/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_dont_get_off_of_the/ % Businessman: How much does it cost to buy a large singing group? Agent: Do you mean a choir? Businessman: Fine! How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group? — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphjqa/businessman_how_much_does_it_cost_to_buy_a_large/ % A blonde went to the library Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad. Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library. Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphdyz/a_blonde_went_to_the_library/ % I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire. But I kept the drawings for future reference. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphdpt/i_found_a_couple_of_disturbing_pornographic/ % why aren't star wars jokes popular? . . . . they are usually quite *forced* (just like this one) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fphb79/why_arent_star_wars_jokes_popular/ % Who got all of the toilet paper at the store? >!Assholes.!< — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fph03y/who_got_all_of_the_toilet_paper_at_the_store/ % Just ordered a Chinese takeaway It was delivered by this little chinese guy, I opened the door before he got there and he started yelling "ISOLATE! ISOLATE!" I said "don't worry about it, i only ordered it 20 minutes ago" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpgzi0/just_ordered_a_chinese_takeaway/ % A meeting between all Catholic priests was held the other day, but the topic of altar boys was never brought up. I guess they’ll touch on that later. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpgqnt/a_meeting_between_all_catholic_priests_was_held/ % Seniors during quarantine I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpg7np/seniors_during_quarantine/ % Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfpw5/why_do_seagulls_fly_over_the_sea/ % Why are all Jewish men circumcized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfocr/why_are_all_jewish_men_circumcized/ % Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word... The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside. The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy. The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees. The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot... don't you have something to share about your son?" The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort..." They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though - just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfjw1/four_older_gentlemen_are_out_golfing_sharing/ % My circle of friends is finally expanding I haven't gained any, we are just standing further apart. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfjka/my_circle_of_friends_is_finally_expanding/ % Why did the horse cross the road? I don't know, he left before I could ask equestrian. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpfhfg/why_did_the_horse_cross_the_road/ % After 5 years of marriage the wife finds £7,500 in cash and 4 eggs on top of the wardrobe. Intrigued she asked the husband the meaning of it. Husband: Well since we got married I've put one egg up there for every time you annoy me. Chuffed that in all of 5 years the husband had collected only 4 eggs the wife asks about the £7,500. Husband: Every time I have a dozen I sell — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpf10t/after_5_years_of_marriage/ % At the museum my wife: Do you think we’re allowed to take pictures? Me: No. I think they need to stay on the wall. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpefkk/at_the_museum_my_wife_do_you_think_were_allowed/ % A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request. The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpe5ev/a_criminal_is_to_be_executed_by_electric_chair/ % Who names these viruses? Yes — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpe49x/who_names_these_viruses/ % The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it so I can watch it with my family \^\_\^ — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdvse/the_best_thing_about_japanese_porn/ % My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant.... ... that when I pee I clean the toilet. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdvkk/my_body_has_absorbed_so_much_soap_and_water_hand/ % Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries? They got banned from the competition by the WHO. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdf9a/why_does_russia_have_so_little_covid19_cases/ % Old Biker Gruff old biker walks into a roadside dive. Sign behind the bar says Beer $2.50 Cheeseburger $4.00 Hand-job $12.00 Biker motions for the lady working the counter to come over. (Biker) "You the one giving hand-jobs?" (Lady behind bar) "I sure am." (Biker) "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdclf/old_biker/ % They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective Don't believe me? Just wash — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpdc6a/they_say_you_should_sing_happy_birthday_when/ % I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpd7jv/i_saved_a_bunch_of_money_on_my_car_insurance_by/ % Why doesn't Antarctica have any cases of coronavirus? Because they are self-ICE-olated — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpd3a4/why_doesnt_antarctica_have_any_cases_of/ % A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet... The first caller get's through, "Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?" "Goan!" "Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?" "Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call. After several more calls they get another man, "And what's your word sir?" "Smee!" "Can you use it in a sentence?" "Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpcm1d/a_radio_station_in_ireland_is_taking_calls_to/ % Why was the Ebola virus joke not as good as the Corona Virus Joke? Because less people got it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc6e3/why_was_the_ebola_virus_joke_not_as_good_as_the/ % Smart pills Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor. The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?" Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter." Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!" Grandpa says, "See you're getting smarter already." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc61g/smart_pills/ % I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex" She replied "At least we know it'll be quick" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpc1mf/i_said_to_my_wife_when_i_die_id_like_to_die/ % Two deer walked out of a gay bar, one said to the other..... I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbnin/two_deer_walked_out_of_a_gay_bar_one_said_to_the/ % What's another name for half a second? A first. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbf9i/whats_another_name_for_half_a_second/ % Billy’s tractor One day, farmer Joe goes over to his friend’s house looking for him. He knocked on the door but Billy doesn’t answer. He starts to hear some music playing from Billy’s barn, so he goes to check it out. He opens the door to the barn to see Billy, butt naked, dancing around his John Deere tractor. Joe: “Billy? What in the heck are you doin’?” Billy: “It’s a long story Joe, I’m doing this for my wife.” Joe: “Why does she want you to do this?” Billy: “Well, she didn’t ask me to. We’ve been havin’ some issues so we went to that couples therapy thing.” Joe: “What does this have to do with couples therapy?” Billy: “Well see, the therapist told me I needed to do something to spark things up. He suggested I do something sexy to attract her.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbdgi/billys_tractor/ % Giving Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood. On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time. After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was only receiving $15 for her blood. "Can I ask why that man was paid $85 more than me?" Jane asked the attendant. "Well...." replied the attendant "we are not just a blood bank but also a sperm bank and one of the most highly regarded in the city. if the sperm is from the right type of donor, for example dark hair, over 6 foot tall and has a college degree then we will actually pay $100." "That's so interesting... I never even new that was a thing" thanked Jane as she was leaving. Later that afternoon Jane came back into the centre and made her way to the front desk, the attendant was still working and recognised her from their earlier chat. "Hey, back again so soon?" he asked. "Mmm hmmm" nodded Jane. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbaw7/giving/ % If you’re dating a guy and you see the banner of the Soviet Union hanging on his wall, leave him! That’s a big red flag! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpbai3/if_youre_dating_a_guy_and_you_see_the_banner_of/ % Paranoia has reached absurd stages... I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb7ni/paranoia_has_reached_absurd_stages/ % An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb60z/an_old_grandma_brings_a_bus_driver_a_bag_of/ % Little Johnny pokes Jenny A teacher asks the students the following questions "Who created the universe?" Johnny, who's sitting behind Jenny, pokes her with a pencil. Jenny exclaims "Oh, God!!" Teacher says "Excellent, Jenny". The teacher then asks again, "Who was the son of God?" Johnny pokes Jenny again and she shrieks "Oh, Jesus" Teacher, happy with Jenny asks her another question, "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their 17th child?" Johnny pokes Jenny again, but this time Jenny outrageously shouts "If you put that thing inside me again, I'll break it in two and put it in your nose". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb4ft/little_johnny_pokes_jenny/ % Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpb1ft/im_so_bored_sitting_at_home_that_i_decided_to/ % Blind pilots A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing. As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind. In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaxzr/blind_pilots/ % A boy complaining to his father... You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpawv6/a_boy_complaining_to_his_father/ % They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... *coughs* — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaqwb/they_say_keep_your_friends_close_but_your_enemies/ % My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaq36/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/ % A married couple was in a terrible accident... A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpamfa/a_married_couple_was_in_a_terrible_accident/ % What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use? OLAY — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpam1f/what_moisturizer_do_spanish_bullfighters_use/ % My wife is socially distancing me... Just to be safe, she started it in 2008. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpalhm/my_wife_is_socially_distancing_me/ % Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives. So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpal47/heard_a_dr_on_tv_say_to_get_through_the_boredom/ % What has 4 legs and goes "Aaaaah" Sheep with no lips — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpajfl/what_has_4_legs_and_goes_aaaaah/ % You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaibc/you_know_why_divorce_is_so_expensive/ % Plumber There once was a plumber named Lee Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. She said stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming. The plumber still plumbing said IT'S ME! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpadsy/plumber/ % Why I fired my secretary Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpactb/why_i_fired_my_secretary/ % What do 9 out of 10 men enjoy? A gangbang — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpaboy/what_do_9_out_of_10_men_enjoy/ % A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus: Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to the other”. Kiwi – “about 3 hours to walk from one end to the other” Texan – “If I get in my car to drive from one end of my ranch to the other, it’ll take me a day” Kiwi, after some pause for thought – “Yeah Bro, I used to have a car like that.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa9zx/a_texan_cattle_rancher_was_in_new_zealand/ % It’s the end of the world as we know it Because “I feel fine.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa83m/its_the_end_of_the_world_as_we_know_it/ % I would make a Coronavirus joke But I don’t want you guys to get it — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fpa7vh/i_would_make_a_coronavirus_joke/ % A hunter goes in the wild to hunt for a bear. He´s slowly walking through the wood when he spots one. He aims at the bear and shoots, but he misses. The bear notices him, quicly runs to him and says "you son of a bitch" before fucking him in the ass. The hunter spends a week in the hospital and decides to go back and finish the job, only this time, he takes a machine gun with him to do it. He finds the bear again, he aims at him.....but the machinegun jams. The bear notices him, quickly runs to him and rapes him again. Now he has to spend a month in the hospital. He decides to go back and finally do this thing. He buys a rocket launcher, climbs up a hunting tower in the woods and just patiently waits for the bear. Finally he sees him. He takes the rocket launcher, aims at the bear and shoots....the bear sees the rocket coming, he just moves his head a little, dodging the rocket which explodes behind him. He climbs up the hunting tower, his dick hard again he takes a good look at the hunter and says "hey....you don´t come here to actually hunt, do you?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9z6f/a_hunter_goes_in_the_wild_to_hunt_for_a_bear/ % If coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I? Cause you are to die for. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9xx6/if_coronavirus_doesnt_take_you_out_can_i/ % Four former U.S. presidents... Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas. Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz. “What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?” Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.” ”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?” Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.” ”Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?” Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.” ”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.” There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?” ”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9x0g/four_former_us_presidents/ % Finally Prince Charles has been coronated by a virus — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9nkr/finally_prince_charles_has_been_coronated/ % Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting. Seems nice. He's a web designer — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9n4y/struck_up_a_conversation_with_a_spider_today_at/ % Marriage is like a deck of cards.. ...You start with two hearts and a diamond, but later in the hand you'll be wishing for a club and a spade. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9mxw/marriage_is_like_a_deck_of_cards/ % A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke. Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9mmh/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/ % A blonde goes to the dry cleaners She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned. However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?" Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9jyp/a_blonde_goes_to_the_dry_cleaners/ % Covid 19 is like Jeffery Epstein. It doesn't kill itself. Wash your damn hands — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9ju7/covid_19_is_like_jeffery_epstein/ % My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp9dbv/my_dentist_reminded_me_of_my_wifes_sensitive_gag/ % I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp95rl/i_got_one_of_them_anti_bullying_bracelets_today/ % I saw two kids fighting over the last roll of toilet paper and being the only adult around, I had to step in... Little bastards didn’t stand a chance… — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8s7h/i_saw_two_kids_fighting_over_the_last_roll_of/ % A 17 year old male walks into a drug store He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After a while the daughter leans over and quietly says to him “I had no idea you were so religious,” to which the boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8l8o/a_17_year_old_male_walks_into_a_drug_store/ % How do you go from 3D to 4D? Just give it time. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp8e5d/how_do_you_go_from_3d_to_4d/ % I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19 Looks like he got coronated at last! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp89g3/i_heard_that_prince_charles_tested_positive_for/ % “Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp85fp/doctor_theres_a_patient_on_line_1_that_says_hes/ % My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp83io/my_doctor_called_me_fat_i_told_him_i_wanted_a/ % A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp82vi/a_woman_goes_into_labor_with_her_child_the_doctor/ % What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp80l3/what_do_you_call_an_it_teacher_who_touches_his/ % So two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses The other guy calls 911 immediately and says “Help! I think my friend is dead!” The operator says “okay first let’s make sure he’s actually dead” The phone goes silent for a second before a gunshot is heard The hunter says “okay what now?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7xml/so_two_hunters_are_out_in_the_woods_when_one_of/ % Self isolation experiments Do you know if you rest a testicles on top a beer bottle and put a naked flame under the bottle eventually it’ll pop in? If you did know that and know how to get it back out message me.... urgently. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7xk0/self_isolation_experiments/ % My girlfriend is like √-100 A perfect 10, but also imaginary. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7uuk/my_girlfriend_is_like_100/ % I must have posted two dozen jokes about COVID-19 by now but none of them have gone viral :( — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7lr9/i_must_have_posted_two_dozen_jokes_about_covid19/ % How do you tell the difference between 'but' and 'butt'? Butt's got tooties. - by my 8 year old daughter — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7k0z/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_but_and/ % A homosexual, a professor, and a wizard walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Ah, Dumbledore! The usual?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7dcf/a_homosexual_a_professor_and_a_wizard_walk_into_a/ % What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one? Where they tie the rope. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7awo/whats_the_difference_between_a_suicidal_bungee/ % My wife is bisexual She says bye when I ask her to have sex with me — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp7avn/my_wife_is_bisexual/ % What’s the difference between a joke and three dicks? Your mom can’t take a joke. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp77yg/whats_the_difference_between_a_joke_and_three/ % what does a dyslexic, agonistic, insomniac do? stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp70n9/what_does_a_dyslexic_agonistic_insomniac_do/ % 7 8 9. 7: <is about to eat 9> 7: Play some intense music to go with my food. 9: <plays The Final Countdown> 9 8 7. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6z29/7_8_9/ % A slice of pie in Jamaica is 2.50 and 3.00 in the Bahamas These are the pie rates of the Caribbean I'll leave now — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6yx2/a_slice_of_pie_in_jamaica_is_250_and_300_in_the/ % How many dead bodies does it take to fix a light? Must be more than 14, because my basement is still dark. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp6uja/how_many_dead_bodies_does_it_take_to_fix_a_light/ % A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me." The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me." The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying "I have faith, God will save me. The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God "Why didn't you save me?" God replies "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp69hu/a_man_goes_swimming_in_the_ocean_but_gets_sucked/ % I promised my wife I wouldn’t drink anymore during quarantine. I won’t drink any less either! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp64w6/i_promised_my_wife_i_wouldnt_drink_anymore_during/ % What do you call Bruce Lee by himself in quarantine? Lone Lee — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp64e1/what_do_you_call_bruce_lee_by_himself_in/ % Capitalism has man exploiting man With communism, it's the other way around — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5ur5/capitalism_has_man_exploiting_man/ % A man takes his sweet time at a urinal. Once the man has finished, he forgets to zip up his fly, so he washes his hands and leaves the bathroom. A woman saw him walking around with his fly open and says, “Sir, your garage door is open!” The man looks down and chuckles as he zips it up. “Did you, by any chance, see a Range Rover in there?” ”No, just a Toyota with two flat tires.” (I told the people of Cringetopia that I would reword a post here. Let’s see how bad this does.) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5rxb/a_man_takes_his_sweet_time_at_a_urinal/ % A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.” The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points. "I see the Sun," answer the man. The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5kr6/a_man_goes_to_his_doctor/ % How can you tell if a mechanic has had sex? His middle fingernail is clean — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5hwp/how_can_you_tell_if_a_mechanic_has_had_sex/ % A man is at the bar drinking. He's had a few to many and pukes on himself,he turns to his friend and says, "my wife is going to kill me, she bought this shirt for me" His friend says, "don't worry just put 10 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell her some drunk guy puked on you and he gave you 10 bucks because he felt bad about it." So the man stumbles home and his wife is waiting up and says, "really?!, you are so drunk you puked on the shirt I bought for you!" Man: "no no, I barely drank anything, a drunk guy puked on me and gave me this $10 to make up for it!" Wife: "this is $20?" Man: "yeah he shit my pants too". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5fr9/a_man_is_at_the_bar_drinking/ % I have dailysex Dyslexia* — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5eg7/i_have_dailysex/ % A man gets drunk and sleeps naked in the forest A little girl was picking mushrooms in the same forest. She counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five... The next day the man wakes up and thought to himself: damn, that felt good, i should get drunk and fall asleep naked in the forest again. And so he did. A bear was picking mushrooms in the same forest. It counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five, six. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp5bwy/a_man_gets_drunk_and_sleeps_naked_in_the_forest/ % "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp58ev/excuse_me_i_said_to_the_woman_sat_in_front_of_me/ % How does Moses make his coffee? HeBrews it! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp52py/how_does_moses_make_his_coffee/ % A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel (NSFW) On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” "Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp526u/a_nun_and_a_priest_were_crossing_the_sahara/ % What is a police officer's favourite colour? Copper (my six year old is making up jokes again). — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp50at/what_is_a_police_officers_favourite_colour/ % I was shocked when the psychic told me that my father would pass away the very next day. I was equally shocked the next day when the milkman had a heart attack at our door and died. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4z4u/i_was_shocked_when_the_psychic_told_me_that_my/ % The seven dwarfs were all in the bath feeling happy. Happy never told anyone. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4yne/the_seven_dwarfs_were_all_in_the_bath_feeling/ % Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph? Because at 69 they blow a rod. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4ydy/why_cant_gays_drive_faster_than_68mph/ % I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees. When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4xhz/i_stopped_by_my_one_of_my_bee_keeper_friends_farm/ % An interview to a marriage who never had a fight in almost 70 years ~ And why have you never had a fight in your marriage? -It all started when we were getting married, we made the vows, we kissed and then we finished the wedding, then we went to a carriage on the way to our house for our honeymoon and the horse was a beautiful white color. After walking for a while, the horse trips and my husband screams: ¡ONE! I look at him in a weird manner but then I do not take much importance We keep walking for another 10 minutes and the horse stumbles again and my husband screams: ¡TWO! I look at him worried but I still enjoy the trip. after almost a mile the horse stumbles again and my husband yells ¡THREE! And he takes out a baseball bat from the back and hits the horse on the head 3 times, to which I react in a horrible way, and I say: - How can you think of doing that, you are a bastard! And I hear him scream: ¡ONE! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4x5t/an_interview_to_a_marriage_who_never_had_a_fight/ % What did Cola say to his buddy Mentos? "You're overreacting." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4iiq/what_did_cola_say_to_his_buddy_mentos/ % What do you call 2+ police officers having sex? Copulation. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4iec/what_do_you_call_2_police_officers_having_sex/ % There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses. One has a wife and farms honeydew. The second has a husband and sells watermelon. The third cantaloupe. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp4a6b/there_are_three_melon_farmers_with_different/ % Did you hear about the mathematician that hates negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp49rb/did_you_hear_about_the_mathematician_that_hates/ % How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they arrest the bulb for being broken and beat the room for being black. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp49p9/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_change_a_lightbulb/ % A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar No joke. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp45ww/a_pun_a_play_on_words_and_a_limerick_walk_into_a/ % What do you call a father without a car? The walking dad. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp444j/what_do_you_call_a_father_without_a_car/ % Polish Divorce A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms." LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one." LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "NO, she white." LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof." LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, 'Polish Remover.'" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3v9t/polish_divorce/ % My little bird.. Enza I once had a bird.. It's name was Enza. Wanna know how i got it? I opened the window.. anddddd.. In-Flew-Enza! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3ocd/my_little_bird_enza/ % In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum. In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3lkv/in_2019_if_you_were_unemployed_and_stayed_home/ % In America you cast your vote. In India you vote your caste. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3lkr/in_america_you_cast_your_vote/ % What does a grape say when you step on it? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3ku7/what_does_a_grape_say_when_you_step_on_it/ % A guy’s driving down the road when he sees three penguins on the side of the road. He looks around and doesn’t see anyone around so he stops and picks them up. He’s driving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop looks in the car and sees the three penguins sitting on the front seat. He exclaims, “You’ve got three penguins in your car!” The guy replies, I know! I just found them and don’t know what to do with them.” The cop thinks about for a minute and says, “Take ‘em to the zoo.” The guy thanks the cop and drives off. The next day the guy’s driving down the road when the same cop pulls him over. The cop walks up to the car and looks in. The three penguins are still in the front seat, except now they’re wearing sunglasses and tiny baseball hats. The cop says, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The guy replies, “I did! We had such a good time we’re going to the beach today!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3htd/a_guys_driving_down_the_road_when_he_sees_three/ % How do you get a clown off a swing set? Hit him in the face with an axe. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp3erm/how_do_you_get_a_clown_off_a_swing_set/ % Three girls die and go to heaven... They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp33mn/three_girls_die_and_go_to_heaven/ % I was told to disinfect the things touch the most So I did. Hopefully the burning ends soon and my boyfriend quits screaming soon — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp32iw/i_was_told_to_disinfect_the_things_touch_the_most/ % Why did the Banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t peeling too good — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp30xd/why_did_the_banana_go_to_the_doctor/ % If R-Kelly was a computer file He'd be a .pdf file — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2y4m/if_rkelly_was_a_computer_file/ % What’s the difference between an egg and a beetroot ? You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a root. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2xty/whats_the_difference_between_an_egg_and_a_beetroot/ % My Dad left to buy milk 7 years ago He came back 15 minutes later but still. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2mm5/my_dad_left_to_buy_milk_7_years_ago/ % I thought my blind neighbor started dating a guy turns out she wasn’t seeing anyone — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2lvb/i_thought_my_blind_neighbor_started_dating_a_guy/ % 2 sausages sizzling in a pan One turns to the other and says, "It's pretty damn hot in here isn't it?" The other screams "AHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2l7v/2_sausages_sizzling_in_a_pan/ % So if this is what the Roaring 20s is supposed to be like. I’mma go ahead and say the Silent Generation was being quiet for a reason. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2k7v/so_if_this_is_what_the_roaring_20s_is_supposed_to/ % Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend? Because Sheeran away — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2hxo/why_doesnt_ed_have_a_girlfriend/ % I got pulled over by the police... He came over to the window and said papers...I said SCISSORS! I WIN!!! and drove off...he must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for the past couple hours. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp2bwt/i_got_pulled_over_by_the_police/ % How do you circumcise a Redneck? You kick his sister in the jaw. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1ju4/how_do_you_circumcise_a_redneck/ % I never trust chiropractors They always talk behind your back — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1dzr/i_never_trust_chiropractors/ % A mathematician says to his friend 'I bet I can stretch my mouth so its exactly 1m in radius His friend replies 'shut your pi hole' — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp1c7e/a_mathematician_says_to_his_friend_i_bet_i_can/ % Did you all hear about what's happening to the Energizer bunny? He's being charged with battery. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp171l/did_you_all_hear_about_whats_happening_to_the/ % Recess and cookies An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess. Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess? Johnny: I played in the sandbox. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie. Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie. Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do? Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie. Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie. Teacher: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face. Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0vd9/recess_and_cookies/ % Ireland’s on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told... “Listen up men! We are on the lookout for Virus Curfew offenders. Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 PM ……….. it's SHOOT TO KILL”!!! On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds and kills a man who is walking along the pavement! Murphy shouts “JESUS PADDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ONLY 5.45 PM”! Paddy replies:” I Know where he lives...... He’ll never fucking make it home by 6!! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0ppi/irelands_on_lock_down_due_to_the_virus/ % I think China finally got what they wanted. They managed to coronise the world. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0nt5/i_think_china_finally_got_what_they_wanted/ % Have you ever heard of emo pizza? You haven’t, well it’s the type that cuts itself — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0kas/have_you_ever_heard_of_emo_pizza/ % Who caused the porpoise holocaust? A dolphin — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp0ftp/who_caused_the_porpoise_holocaust/ % Stop vaccinating your children!! Let the doctor do it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fp059b/stop_vaccinating_your_children/ % Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change. Mother Earth: Hold My Beer. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozxmo/humans_there_is_absolutely_nothing_that_can_be/ % There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozwgo/theres_an_easy_trick_you_can_use_to_calculate/ % Title malone Post Malone — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozvcc/title_malone/ % Me scheduling a a doctors appointment Me: Hello i would like to schedule an appointment Receptionits: Yeah just give me a second... How about 10 tommorrow Me: No thanks, that's way too many — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozpn6/me_scheduling_a_a_doctors_appointment/ % An immigrant mother finally got her Visa to visit her adult son in America. It's been years since they've seen each other, and after he joyfully picks her up at the airport, he brings her to his home, where his two children are playing. "Oh," the mother says. "One child is black... and the other is red-haired." She paused. "They must be adopted... I thought you said Tina was pregnant a while back..?" The son laughed. "Oh, no, mom, they're definitely our kids. Both of ours." "They are? How are you, uh..." she paused again, unable to believe her son wasn't *getting it.* "How are you sure they're yours?" "Simple," the son said. "Tina and I procreated. When the baby came out red-haired, she said that she used to sit by the window and watch red-haired construction workers across the street, and that's why the baby turned out red-haired. A year later, when she got pregnant, she was sitting by the window and saw a black mailman delivering mail across the street, so naturally, the kid came out black." The mother nodded her head. "Yes, I see now. When I had just gotten married, living on the farm with your father, I used to sit by the window and watch a jackass roam about the farm." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozgz7/an_immigrant_mother_finally_got_her_visa_to_visit/ % What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos? Pizza-rrhea — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozfji/what_do_you_call_diarrhea_that_you_get_from/ % What do you call it when a poop makes you groan like, "Aaaaaaeeeeeeeeeooooo!" A vowel movement. I'll see myself out. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozdpj/what_do_you_call_it_when_a_poop_makes_you_groan/ % 2020 Directed by Trenton Quarentino. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fozbh6/2020/ % Love in the time of Coronavirus I said, "The scent you're wearing is beautiful." She said, "Thanks, it is my hand sanitizer." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz55h/love_in_the_time_of_coronavirus/ % Sneezes just went from bless you to fuck you real quick. Achoo. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz33q/sneezes_just_went_from_bless_you_to_fuck_you_real/ % A woman at a bar told me she treats job interviews like dates “Oh, because it has to be the right fit for both parties and it’s important to be honest?” I asked. “No, I’m a prostitute” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foz303/a_woman_at_a_bar_told_me_she_treats_job/ % Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared Apparently horses can’t get the virus — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foyng9/prince_charles_diagnosed_with_covid19_camilla_has/ % Woman A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote... "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foymk8/woman/ % The only time my wife will yell deeper - deeper Is when they will be lowering my coffin — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foy0om/the_only_time_my_wife_will_yell_deeper_deeper/ % Dads are like boomerangs I hope — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foxz1z/dads_are_like_boomerangs/ % My Cocaine Is So White Police Let It Go With A Warning — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foxfm5/my_cocaine_is_so_white/ % Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? The Second-Hand Store. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fox2t7/where_did_captain_hook_buy_his_hook/ % From friend, to girlfriend, to fiance, and now wife! I've been doing a lot of driving today! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowwat/from_friend_to_girlfriend_to_fiance_and_now_wife/ % Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowsr4/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_will_eat_for_a_day/ % I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowp8d/i_have_just_started_a_sexual_relationship_with_a/ % What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress? One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fowo6r/whats_the_difference_between_an_artists_folder/ % Whoever said that one man cannot change the world Has never eaten a bat. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow90y/whoever_said_that_one_man_cannot_change_the_world/ % A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home. When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor. The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler. The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: "We have to break the tile she's on." "NO WAY, " the husband yelled - "those tiles are 100 dollars a piece. There must be another way?". "Well," said the tiler. "You could kiss and caress her all over her body." "Will that free her?" the husband wondered. no, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow34h/a_young_woman_had_a_habit_of_doing_naked/ % What has two butts and kills people? An assassin — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow1bp/what_has_two_butts_and_kills_people/ % My girlfriend treats my dick like COVID-19 She didn't care about it until I gave it to her mom — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fow0g2/my_girlfriend_treats_my_dick_like_covid19/ % We went from "okay, boomer".. to "you okay, boomer?" in like a week. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovylp/we_went_from_okay_boomer/ % What's Donald Trump giving up for Lent this year? Your grandparents. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovnhc/whats_donald_trump_giving_up_for_lent_this_year/ % Being on lockdown together has made my wife and me really conscious of how competitive we are. We've been having a good laugh about it! (I laugh more than she does, though.) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fovjbm/being_on_lockdown_together_has_made_my_wife_and/ % What do you do with a sick chemist? First you try helium,then try curium,but if that doesn't work.You barium — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fov9y3/what_do_you_do_with_a_sick_chemist/ % Why will Pornhub not crash when Netflix does? It is experienced with big loads. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fov3pl/why_will_pornhub_not_crash_when_netflix_does/ % Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open 17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fourds/joe_biden_is_like_a_web_browser_with_19_tabs_open/ % You know the industry hit hardest by coronavirus? Home invasion. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fouky9/you_know_the_industry_hit_hardest_by_coronavirus/ % What is Harry Potter's way of getting down a hill? Walking Jk. rolling — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fouf5s/what_is_harry_potters_way_of_getting_down_a_hill/ % When the DJ plays "Macarena", I do the Macarena when the DJ plays "Hokey Pokey", I do the Hokey Pokey. When the DJ plays "Come on Eileen". I get arrested. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou4p5/when_the_dj_plays_macarena_i_do_the_macarena/ % I can talk to animals! Such a shame they have no idea what I'm saying — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou1pu/i_can_talk_to_animals/ % What do whales do during Social Distancing? Netflix and Krill — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fou0un/what_do_whales_do_during_social_distancing/ % What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy and the other is a little lighter. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foty85/what_is_the_difference_between_a_hippo_and_a_zippo/ % At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them There were just a few Casual Tees. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foty3a/at_a_clothing_store_i_came_across_some_fancy/ % What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator? An investigator. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foturk/what_do_you_get_when_you_put_a_vest_on_an/ % What do you call a fake koi fish? A dekoi... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotugg/what_do_you_call_a_fake_koi_fish/ % Four farmers are feeding their chickens The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?" The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices." The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy." The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his chickens. The other three stare at him and say nothing. He eventually notices the staring and says, "What? I like my chicken baked." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotm9p/four_farmers_are_feeding_their_chickens/ % I went to the supermarket to get some beer... And I came back with a case of Corona — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fotl8k/i_went_to_the_supermarket_to_get_some_beer/ % A Blonde and A lawyer. A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He searches on the airport wifi, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fot93m/a_blonde_and_a_lawyer/ % In democracy your vote counts. But in feudalism, your Count votes. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fot245/in_democracy_your_vote_counts/ % How many of the pennies in a roll of pennies have a Lincoln face? It's actually one per cent. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foszfs/how_many_of_the_pennies_in_a_roll_of_pennies_have/ % Men are a lot like infants. If you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosyjy/men_are_a_lot_like_infants/ % What sound does a Chinese cat make? mao — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosw08/what_sound_does_a_chinese_cat_make/ % My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fostaj/my_2020_new_years_resolution_was_to_reduce_my/ % I sexually identify as Michael Jackson My pronouns are He/Hee — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosje1/i_sexually_identify_as_michael_jackson/ % As a blind man, I've a hard time eating fish.. I can't seafood.. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fosg0h/as_a_blind_man_ive_a_hard_time_eating_fish/ % Prince Charles is in isolation with Covid - 19 His brother Andrew is in isolation with Bethany - 14 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/forwh4/prince_charles_is_in_isolation_with_covid_19/ % If I could describe myself in one word... It would be "bad at following directions". — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/forswb/if_i_could_describe_myself_in_one_word/ % Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.” His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.” Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.” “We send them at night.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foromq/trump_decides_he_is_going_to_reinvigorate_the/ % NEVER ALL AT ONCE A farmer had a three-legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. “Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”. “Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled. “No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!” “So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor. “No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foril5/never_all_at_once/ % Two unattractive women walk into a bar and order drinks. While preparing the drinks, the bartender notes their accent and asks "Are you two ladies from England?" In a less than friendly tone one of them mutters "Wales" So the bartender apologizes and re-asks his question "I'm sorry, are you two whales from England?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/for6m3/two_unattractive_women_walk_into_a_bar/ % A guy and a girl were on their 1st date. Girl: "So what do you do?" Guy: "I own a mining business." Girl: "What do you mine?" Guy: "I mine my own fucking business." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/for46o/a_guy_and_a_girl_were_on_their_1st_date/ % People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow... Too soon — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqy2z/people_are_making_apocalypse_jokes_like_theres_no/ % Did you hear that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus? After all these years he's finally been coronated. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqplp/did_you_hear_that_prince_charles_has_tested/ % There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages." The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqp04/there_once_was_a_man_who_owned_a_sausage_factory/ % Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart... ... We are supposed to be shelf isolating! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqopt/dont_forget_to_keep_everything_in_your/ % What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqh11/whats_the_difference_between_jimmy_fallon_and/ % A bunch of teenagers TP'd my house last night It's now appraised at $750,000. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqgs5/a_bunch_of_teenagers_tpd_my_house_last_night/ % There is no toilet paper So I’ve got to use newspaper... The Times are rough. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foqf41/there_is_no_toilet_paper/ % “John, would you be so kind as to fetch me a glass of water?” “Right away, Sir.” “Here you go, Sir.” “Thank you!… Oh, John!” “Yes, Sir.” “Bring me another glass of water, will you?” “Of course, Sir.” “Here it is, Sir.” “Many thanks, John!” “John!” “Sir?” “I’m afraid I shall need another glass of water.” “But, Sir, so much water might not be so good for you.” “John, the water is not for me, can you not see the library is on fire?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq9vd/john_would_you_be_so_kind_as_to_fetch_me_a_glass/ % 2 condoms walk past a gay bar.. One says to the other, 'wanna get shit faced?' — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq84e/2_condoms_walk_past_a_gay_bar/ % I wish my cake day was 11 days ago I prefer pie — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq57j/i_wish_my_cake_day_was_11_days_ago/ % I was stopped at a checkpoint and they asked for my ID. Little did they know about my ego and superego. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq4bg/i_was_stopped_at_a_checkpoint_and_they_asked_for/ % I'm a bit cross The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. The Russians have said “Its not us” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq29i/im_a_bit_cross/ % I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foq275/ill_never_forget_my_grandfathers_last_words_to_me/ % Stomach Pains A man goes to the doctor with sever pain in his stomach. The doctor looks him over and delivers the prognosis. "Sir. You are infected with a very large tapeworm. It's larger than I've ever seen and I fear traditional medicine will not help you get rid of it. I know how to get rid of it, but you'll have to trust me because my method will sound a little unorthodox." "Ok, Doc. What should we do?" says the man. "Come back to my office tomorrow and bring with you a banana and a snickers bar." The man looks confused but agrees. He returns the next day with the banana and a Snickers bar. He is instructed to disrobe and bend over. The doctor then takes the banana, shoves it up the mans ass and waits 60 seconds. Then he takes the Snickers bar and shoves it up the man's ass and waits 60 seconds. "Ok sir. Come back tomorrow at the same time with the same items." The next day, the man returns and the doctor repeats the same procedure. This goes on for 5 more days until the man is about to break. "Doctor! Please! How long must we do this for?" The Doctor apologizes for the man's discomfort but reassures him that tomorrow will be his last appointment. He said to come back at the same time but this time to bring a banana, a Snickers bar and a hammer. "A hammer?" says the man, shaking. "Yes. Just trust me." say the Doctor. The next day the man returns with the banana, the Snickers and the hammer. The doctor asks him again to disrobe and bend over and proceeds to shove the banana up the man's ass. He waits 60 seconds.....120 seconds......3 minutes......5 minutes. "Well doctor? Are you going to use the snickers?" "Just be patient." Says the doctor. Just then, the worm pops his head out of the man's ass and says "Where the hell is my Snickers?" and the doctor grabs the hammer and SMASHES HIM! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopvvf/stomach_pains/ % Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19 The queen will have a receding heir line — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopu34/prince_charles_diagnosed_with_covid19/ % Peanuts as present A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted. 15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?” She replied and said “We have no teeth so we aren't able to chew them.” Confused, he asks, “If you can't chew them, why do you buy them?” She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopolc/peanuts_as_present/ % Therapist asks the patient, "What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?" "Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead", they answered. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foplcf/therapist_asks_the_patient_what_would_you_say_to/ % All countries eventually got coronavirus But China got it right off the bat. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopdvz/all_countries_eventually_got_coronavirus/ % I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football Nobody expects the Spanish in position — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopazq/ive_finally_worked_out_why_spain_is_so_good_at/ % Whats the Difference between coronavirus and me ? People pay attention to coronavirus — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopatr/whats_the_difference_between_coronavirus_and_me/ % My dad's a legend Like a real legend. People talk about him but I've never seen him myself. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fopa02/my_dads_a_legend/ % A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly? asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose." The doctor finally relented saying,"Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects. "On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?" The man said, "No one showed up. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop87p/a_man_went_to_the_doctors_office_to_get_a_double/ % My wife asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower. I said yes, but it was an accident. How can you accidentally piss in the shower? She asked. Well I said, it sometimes happens when I take a shit. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop27w/my_wife_asked_me_if_i_had_ever_pissed_in_the/ % When life gives you melons You’re dyslexic — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop1qy/when_life_gives_you_melons/ % Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom? Because Rick Astley is British. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fop1ai/why_do_they_spell_it_honour_and_favour_in_the/ % I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foow9r/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/ % Irish drinking A group of American tourists came in a pub in Cork, Ireland. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, -"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet. Forty minutes later, the Irishman who had left returned and said, -"Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?" -"Sure!"- said the American, -"20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000." -"Grand!"- replied the Irishman, -"So pour the pints and start the clock." It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. -"OK, Yank, pay up."- said the Irishman. -"I'm happy to pay, here's your money."- said the American. -"But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?” -"Well mate,"- replied the Irishman, -"$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foos6k/irish_drinking/ % Hey guys, I don't know how to cheer up my cannibal friend. He recently dumped his girlfriend. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fooq11/hey_guys_i_dont_know_how_to_cheer_up_my_cannibal/ % Little Johnny Walked into his dad's bedroom [NSFW] one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin dad?” His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed”, to which Little Johnny replied “What ya gonna do, fuck him?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foojyi/little_johnny_walked_into_his_dads_bedroom_nsfw/ % A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job. "Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks. \-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies. \-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that". \-"Oh well", the man says and flies away. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo9m1/a_man_goes_to_the_circus/ % I think my wife is performing in a musical behind my back... I asked to see it but she just gave me song and dance — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo5kz/i_think_my_wife_is_performing_in_a_musical_behind/ % A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies “I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh no ma’am, I’m not using profanity. Dam Ham is what we call the especially delicious filets we get from the big trout caught down by the dam.” The woman apologizes for the misunderstanding, buys the filet, and goes home. Later that evening, her husband comes home from work and asks, “What is that Heavenly smell?” “Thats Dam Ham,” she replies. “Honey! What would the congregation think if they knew their pastor’s wife was speaking in such a way?” “Oh no honey, I would never!” She responds “They call it Dam Ham because it’s a special filet from one of the big trout caught down by the dam.” She finishes dinner and they sit down at the table with their two beautiful children. They join hands and say grace. The husband carves the meat, takes some for himself, then passes the plate to his son. After taking his first bite, the husband says, “Honey, you’ve really outdone yourself. This Dam Ham is delicious! “Right on, Dad!” The son says “Now could you pass the fucking potatoes?” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo20j/a_pastors_wife_walks_into_a_butcher_shop/ % What normal bird has the strength to lift a steel beam? A crane. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foo1od/what_normal_bird_has_the_strength_to_lift_a_steel/ % They say God grants wishes ... but they omit the fact that we have go there to receive our wish. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foni66/they_say_god_grants_wishes/ % Of course I touch myself when I think about you It is called face palm — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foncfg/of_course_i_touch_myself_when_i_think_about_you/ % I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine. Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata. (Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.) — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fon7jm/i_need_a_recommendation_for_a_good_breakfast_wine/ % My daughter won't tell me about her date with a Norse god... She's keeping it Loki. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomxit/my_daughter_wont_tell_me_about_her_date_with_a/ % A woman dies and goes up to heaven But as soon as she arrives she finds lots of people baking furiously outside the gates. She walks up to St Peter and asks him why everyone is baking and no one is going inside. “Did you not know? Cake gets you karma” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomlqm/a_woman_dies_and_goes_up_to_heaven/ % What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce? Chicken caesar salad........ — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomjh7/what_do_you_call_a_chicken_staring_at_a_lettuce/ % How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position? Flipper — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomch0/how_does_a_dolphin_get_his_lady_into_missionary/ % What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fomc74/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/ % What did the custodian say when they jumped out of the closet? Supplies! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fombtw/what_did_the_custodian_say_when_they_jumped_out/ % A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.” The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?” The man replies, “Since about a month ago.” The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!” “Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fom5nd/a_man_walks_into_a_police_station_and_announces/ % What's the difference between criticism and constructive criticism? One pisses you off and the other helps to piss you off — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folykp/whats_the_difference_between_criticism_and/ % What is an immigrant’s favourite sport? Cross-country. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foltaa/what_is_an_immigrants_favourite_sport/ % My friend said I'm starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman. What a joker! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foloz3/my_friend_said_im_starting_to_annoy_him_because_i/ % f you boil a funny bone It becomes a laughing stock. Now that's humerus! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folhzm/f_you_boil_a_funny_bone/ % What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift? Gloves. Just Joking. He still hasn't opened the gift. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folh8o/what_did_the_man_with_no_hands_get_for_his/ % A mathematician and a physicist are asked to answer a math question: Joe has 4000 burgers then he eats 4 burgers, how many burgers does Joe have left? The matematician says: "well 4000-4=3996, so Joe has 3996 burgers left." The physicist says: "well 4 is pretty small compared to 4000, so Joe has 4000 burgers." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/folfhi/a_mathematician_and_a_physicist_are_asked_to/ % What does a horny guillotine want Head — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foleo1/what_does_a_horny_guillotine_want/ % I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foldzo/i_was_going_to_tell_a_dead_baby_joke/ % Lizzard So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise. Lizard Birth If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent,absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . .." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless! Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foldme/lizzard/ % how do you make a creative Star Wars joke? you have to think outside of the jarjar — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fol96q/how_do_you_make_a_creative_star_wars_joke/ % What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokzhx/what_happens_when_no_one_comes_to_your_birthday/ % Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk. Sorry for ignoring you in the past. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokxlp/where_are_those_guys_who_told_me_i_can_earn_5k_a/ % God finds a genie lamp. He wishes people would stop wishing to him. Genie says that's a hard one I'm gonna have to pray for some help. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokpr6/god_finds_a_genie_lamp/ % One day a Russian, A Chinese and a Filipino are on a boat. The Russian takes out a gun and throws it off the boat. The Chinese asks "Why did you throw that?" The Russian replies "Don't worry we have many of those in motherland." The Chinese then proceeds to throw a cellphone overboard. The Russian asks "Why did you throw that?" The Chinese replies "It's fine, we have a lot of those in China." The Filipino then picks up the Chinese and throws him overboard. The Russian screams "Why the hell did you do that?!" The Filipino says "It's OK we have a lot of those in the Philippines." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fokdy0/one_day_a_russian_a_chinese_and_a_filipino_are_on/ % A good book is a lot like a cute puppy. Easy to pick up, hard to put down. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojxmc/a_good_book_is_a_lot_like_a_cute_puppy/ % Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19. Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojxkx/los_angeles_sherriff_just_recently_ordered_gun/ % The answer is going to a grocery store during a pandemic That's what I'd do for a Klondike bar — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojsfi/the_answer_is_going_to_a_grocery_store_during_a/ % My son wouldn't accept my bonsai tree gift, saying that it wasn't gender-neutral enough. Sadly, the incident gave me a small heart attack. I'm fine, but I'll eventually need a trans plant. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojh1w/my_son_wouldnt_accept_my_bonsai_tree_gift_saying/ % Three men go deer hunting. They've been out there for hours before one of the men finally sees a buck. He shoots the buck and they're tracking its blood when one of the other guys says "we need to hurry i need to shit." They proceed to take the dead buck back to camp and start gutting the deer. That's when the other guy said "fuck it, im just going to shit behind that tree. I cant hold it any more" The two guys are sitting there cleaning the buck still and one of them say. "Hey lets put these guts under him so it looks like he shit his guts out" . So they snuck over and put the guts under him while he's shitting without him noticing them and went back to wait for him. About 30 - 45 mins later guy comes back saying "Y'all wont believe this, i think i shit my guts out! But with the grace of god and a big stick i got them back in there". Sorry for the grammar im an illiterate hick on a phone. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojg8l/three_men_go_deer_hunting/ % I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago. I think I put more thyme in it than I should. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojeh9/i_forgot_i_marinated_the_beef_3_days_ago/ % What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and have been living together for a year and are now she tells you she’s pregnant, so now you work extra hours and spent long nights planning on how you are going to give the support to the loves of your life and after many brutal months the baby comes out and you are in complete happiness for 15 seconds before you realize something is off, and that something is the baby, you then realize that it’s not yours and you pass out on the floor, everything goes black, everyone is in shock, you wake next to your “wife” and *your* “child” that you just spent so much time and money on, and she tries to explain it was an accident, it was a one time thing, but now you know, that she wasn’t happy all along, so you let her and the child go... you let them move away, but no, they don’t take any of the things you bought for the baby, anything you worked so hard for, for them, they leave you alone with nothing to live for. But what is left is an apple, an apple that when you take a bite, you find half a worm. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojdeg/whats_worse_than_finding_a_worm_in_your_apple/ % 1,732,582,439 and 1,732,582,440 got into a fight 1,732,582,441 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojddu/1732582439_and_1732582440_got_into_a_fight/ % The first contact between space aliens and humans A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?" "We don't have enough money." "Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?" "We don't have enough money." "Why are so many people ill despite that there are cures?" "We don't have enough money." "You know, maybe if scarcity of this mysterious resource that you call "money" is so big problem for you, then maybe our civilization could somehow help you to get more of it?" "There is no need, we can print as much money as we want!" "Okay, thanks for the conversation." Then the alien returns to its spaceship and reports to its boss that there is no sight of intelligent life on Earth. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojcp2/the_first_contact_between_space_aliens_and_humans/ % The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale, "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to... "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This one was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her chest. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um. equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long. With that, Mrs. Smith fainted. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojbwb/the_smiths_were_unable_to_conceive_children_and/ % Pretty soon we are going to grow fond of being trapped in our own homes, worrying about having enough supplies.... We are going to develop stock home syndrome. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fojb8o/pretty_soon_we_are_going_to_grow_fond_of_being/ % I know the Corona virus isn’t my dad Because it’s still here — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foj82s/i_know_the_corona_virus_isnt_my_dad/ % An old pub had a dog called Rover , who all the patrons loved. Unfortunately, one day Rover passed away. To honour the passing of their beloved dog, they cut off his tail and pinned it above the fireplace. With this, Rover went up to doggy heaven where he was met at the pearly white gates by Saint Peter. As Rover approached the gates, Saint Peter says to him "I'm sorry Rover, I can't let you into doggy heaven unless you are complete. I must send you back down to earth to fetch your tail." Saint Peter then raised his arms and sent Rover back down to earth as a ghost. By the time Rover reaches the old pub back on earth, it's about 2 am and the pub is shut. Eager to get into heaven, Rover starts barking outside. The landlord wakes up, opens his window, and looks outside at the ghostly dog and asks "Rover? Is that you boy?", "Yes, it is" replied Rover " I've come to get my tail as I am not allowed into heaven without it!" The landlord looks Rover in the eyes and says "I'm sorry boy, but you know the rules... We don't serve spirits after 12" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foj7wn/an_old_pub_had_a_dog_called_rover/ % Another day at the underwear store... A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief. "Only two pairs of underwear?" "Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash." The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order. A second man walks in. "5 pairs of underwear please." "Only 5 eh?" "Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend." The man behind the counter shakes his head. "Well, you're better then the last guy!" A third man walks in. "7 pairs of underwear please." "Finally, a man who knows hygiene!" "Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday." At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. "12 pairs of underwear please." "Wow! You must be really clean!" The man smiles. "Yup, that's me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April..." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foizep/another_day_at_the_underwear_store/ % What’s a confused person’s favorite drink? What-er! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foiuc0/whats_a_confused_persons_favorite_drink/ % My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foio4i/my_wife_said_that_if_i_dont_get_off_my_computer/ % No matter how hard you work out, (nsfw)... ...your ballsack still looks like an old mans elbow. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foil48/no_matter_how_hard_you_work_out_nsfw/ % The US 2020 census might want to wait a few months.... Something tells me those numbers are going to be dropping soon.... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foid62/the_us_2020_census_might_want_to_wait_a_few_months/ % An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas "Dear santa, I have no money this Christmas for any toys. please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched by the message they put together $50 and send it back to the boy for Christmas. When the boy received the letter he was ecstatic, opens it in a rush and pulls out the $50. he was happy but also saddened... picks up the pen and immediately works on a reply. "Dear Santa, thank you so much for the present! It made me very happy. however I think the assholes at the post office may have opened the envelope and stolen a $50 bill!. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foicaf/an_little_orphan_boy_writes_a_letter_to_santa_on/ % I told my Italian housemate that "I'm not a materialist", he asked "is that a pronoun?", I replied "no, it's more anti noun" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi2k7/i_told_my_italian_housemate_that_im_not_a/ % How do you measure a snake? In inches since they dont have any feet — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi167/how_do_you_measure_a_snake/ % If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first. Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foi10x/if_you_see_a_deer_with_out_antlers_acting_crazy/ % My 6-year-old wrote a timely coronavirus joke What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli? "Let's be friends", because we're both bad things. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohxyz/my_6yearold_wrote_a_timely_coronavirus_joke/ % During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry. The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package* — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohxmj/during_this_crisis_the_government_is_trying_to/ % For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task They're having to work around the clock to make it happen. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohowr/for_those_unaware_big_ben_is_undergoing/ % Trump knows a lot about bankruptcy China’s going to find out the joke’s on them — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohmt5/trump_knows_a_lot_about_bankruptcy/ % The Coronavirus infects you very quickly The first person who had it was infected right off the bat. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohlpa/the_coronavirus_infects_you_very_quickly/ % Helicopter backwards is retpocileH Helicopter upside down is how Kobe died — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohg4g/helicopter_backwards_is_retpocileh/ % What starts with Co-, ends with -s, and has been a real scourge to the USA lately? Congress. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohfp5/what_starts_with_co_ends_with_s_and_has_been_a/ % A friend asked me how many types of noodles there are I said the pastabilities are endless — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohf6i/a_friend_asked_me_how_many_types_of_noodles_there/ % What do you call someone who watches you take a test while wearing a vest? Proctor Seuss — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fohawq/what_do_you_call_someone_who_watches_you_take_a/ % Field Trip A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not t o show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.' — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fogrwo/field_trip/ % Frank A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.You're just like Frank. 'Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody. 'Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy. Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right. 'Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman. Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fricking wife." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fognir/frank/ % 8 days into quarantine and it feels like I’m in Vegas. I’m loosing money by the hour, no one knows what time it is and cocktails are acceptable and encouraged at any hour! — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fogbme/8_days_into_quarantine_and_it_feels_like_im_in/ % What do you call someone who makes a movie during the COVID-19 pandemic Quentin Quarantino — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fog56n/what_do_you_call_someone_who_makes_a_movie_during/ % Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofulh/rick_astley_will_let_you_borrow_any_movie_from/ % What do you call a German saddle? Leaderhorsen — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofkvn/what_do_you_call_a_german_saddle/ % I’m in hospital at the moment Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofk3r/im_in_hospital_at_the_moment/ % How do I feel about quarantine I ate 11 times, slept 5 times and it is still today. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fofbn0/how_do_i_feel_about_quarantine/ % Deep in the Jungle , a Monkey and Lizard are sitting in a tree smoking weed with some other animal friends getting stoned. After about an hour, all the animals are blitzed, laughing their asses off, and the Lizard falls from the tree. Unharmed, the lizard tells its friends above that it’s gonna grab a drink from the river. The Lizard goes, and as it approaches the water, starts drinking, only to be looking face to face with a crocodile. The Croc, a straight edge, yells at the Lizard “What the hell are you doing with your life, wasting it away! Look how high you are, laughing, stoned off your ass! Get your shit together!” The Lizard, looks at the Croc; eyes bloodshot, it’s dazed and confused answers the Croc “Buddy, you think I’m zonked? Go look at the monkey in the tree!” And continues drinking. The Croc heads up to the tree and climbs, gets to the top and the Monkey starts exploding from laughter. Laughs so hard, he falls right off the tree! The Croc goes down and sees the monkey still laughing on the floor, stoned as shit. The monkey looks at the Croc and goes “Lizard how much fucking water did you drink??” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof9i6/deep_in_the_jungle/ % I was confused, when a football kept getting bigger and bigger.... And that's when it hit me. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof400/i_was_confused_when_a_football_kept_getting/ % A man walks into a bar... "Hi! Please may I have some helicopter flavoured chips!" "Sorry, we've only got plane." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fof316/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/ % I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said "Sex! Sex ! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said "Wow!" Then her friend said "She means 666-3629" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foez7k/i_asked_a_chinese_girl_for_her_number_she_said/ % 9 out of 10 people agree that 1 out of 10 people will disagree with the other 9 — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foexnx/9_out_of_10_people_agree/ % Ok. Years ago, I used to have a third nipple. ...I’m so glad I got that off my chest. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foes59/ok_years_ago_i_used_to_have_a_third_nipple/ % What did the cat say when he went back in time and ran into his former self? You have got to be kitten me. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foejef/what_did_the_cat_say_when_he_went_back_in_time/ % A European tells an American a joke European: Wanna hear a joke? American: Sure. European: Free Healthcare American: I don't get it European: I know. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foe9pl/a_european_tells_an_american_a_joke/ % To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodtha/to_kill_a_french_vampire_you_have_to_drive_a/ % Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodtc4/three_dinosaurs_are_running_across_the_desert/ % Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet ? The looked at the reviews.....only 1 star — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fodnnz/why_havent_aliens_visited_our_solar_system_yet/ % In America, the president's guards aren't allowed to say "get down, mr president" They now need to say " Donald duck" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fod5jf/in_america_the_presidents_guards_arent_allowed_to/ % Scientists have announced a breakthrough: a Plant that eliminates Coronavirus in 100% of all cases! It's called Plant-your-ass-in-your-chair and stay the F home. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fod57r/scientists_have_announced_a_breakthrough_a_plant/ % My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/focoda/my_ex_just_sneezed_and_i_accidentally_said_bless/ % Mom and son are driving to school Mom and son are driving and suddenly they get stuck next to a gay rights protest. Suddenly a huge dildo is thrown on the windshield and it gets stuck on it. Son: "Mom what is that?" Mom: (trying to perserve son's innocece) "Sweetie that is just a really big bug!" Son: "Well how does that bug fly with a big cock like that?" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foc8gb/mom_and_son_are_driving_to_school/ % A perfect cure for corona: Tell corona that you are serious, you love it and that you want to spend the rest of your life with corona. You will not hear from corona ever again. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobxxi/a_perfect_cure_for_corona/ % My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day But look at me now, I'm saving the world. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobpuf/my_mom_always_told_me_i_wouldnt_accomplish/ % I haven't told my wife that I'm an objectophilic pyromaniac... .. but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foboat/i_havent_told_my_wife_that_im_an_objectophilic/ % A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room. The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says: 'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?' — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobg93/a_woman_works_in_a_sperm_bank_she_is_taking_a/ % My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize. And now, with this coronavirus thing... — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobf4b/my_wife_is_stressed_out_not_being_allowed_to/ % A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that he had a dream... In that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket." — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobeze/a_senior_west_wing_staffer_told_trump_that_he_had/ % Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears 9 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fobbe4/today_my_son_asked_can_i_have_a_book_mark_and_i/ % Does Taylor Swift wipe after going poo? No, she just shakes it off. PS: please share the tp everyone. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob2aj/does_taylor_swift_wipe_after_going_poo/ % I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism... And I beg you not to speak of the irony. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob1qi/i_have_finally_completed_my_phd_in_literary/ % A strapping young man joins the sheep camp, but soon feels an ache in his loins. Being up in the mountains, far from the nearest brothel, he asks the other shepherds what they do. They all say, "pick a sheep and have yer fun!" Turning beet red, he's sure they're messing with him, so he decides to wait. A couple weeks later, he's really desperate, so he asks again. Again, they say, just grab one, it's what we do. After a while, he warms to the idea and makes them promise not to laugh at him. Solemnly, they all promise not too. Around dusk that night, he takes their advice and sure enough sees a couple of them out there. But when he returns to camp, they're all rolling around laughing at him. Incensed, he yells, "but you *promised!*" To which they reply, "we didn't know you'd pick the *ugliest one!* — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fob0dx/a_strapping_young_man_joins_the_sheep_camp_but/ % What is the oldest age at which someone can get a circumcision? I just want to know the cut-off date. — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazv4/what_is_the_oldest_age_at_which_someone_can_get_a/ % A plane is landing and slams into the ground a bit roughly... The Captain comes on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentleman, on behalf of the entire crew we would like to apologize for the rough landing you just experienced.” “However, I want to ensure you that it was not my fault.” “Additionally, it was not the co-pilot’s fault either.” “It was the asphalt.” — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazii/a_plane_is_landing_and_slams_into_the_ground_a/ % A nazi walks into a bar He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar" — https://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/foazhu/a_nazi_walks_into_a_bar/ % Alien1: So how did the earthli